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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[cheering and applause]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[cheering and whooping]
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Thanks, folks.
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Aww. Thanks, folks. Thanks.
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You seem like, uh...
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Very nice, reasonable people in
the short time I've known you, you know.
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I mean, most people want the same things.
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00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:48,339
Dallas, Omaha, Sacramento, New York...
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People everywhere want family, community,
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00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,679
uh, security... universal values.
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00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:58,975
But if we can't agree how to get
these things after all these years,
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maybe we need to take some time apart,
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00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:05,231
separate, divorce, consciously uncouple.
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The Founding Fathers warned us
it would come to this.
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John Adams said the two-party system
is the greatest political evil
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00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:14,032
under our Constitution.
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George Washington cautioned
in his farewell address
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against excessive political party spirit
and geographical distinction.
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Wise words.
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They tell us what to do about it?
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They did not. They just said it,
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then they died...
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00:01:29,130 --> 00:01:31,382
And now, they left us to figure it out.
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00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,551
Real geniuses.
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00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:35,804
America...
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00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:40,058
Two parties. Still!
All these years later, two parties.
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00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:43,228
There's 350 million people
and there's two parties.
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There's 15 genders...
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00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:46,231
and there's two parties.
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00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:50,985
There's four bathrooms,
and there's two parties.
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00:01:52,403 --> 00:01:54,030
And those parties are too proportionate.
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00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,366
Every vote, 51-49.
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00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:59,035
That's too many unhappy people
every election.
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00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:00,870
That means, every election,
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00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,248
our system is saying
to steak-eaters and vegans,
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"Okay, election's over,
you gotta eat steak."
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00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:07,585
"Well, I don't like steak. I'm a vegan.
40
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:10,547
Steak makes me physically ill.
I'm allergic."
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00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,966
"It's only every day for the next
four years. Don't worry."
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00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:17,345
Two parties that see the country
totally differently.
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00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:21,182
The right sees only the positive,
the left sees only the negative.
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00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:22,225
Right sees this country
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00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,602
like they're at a high-school
football game in the stands.
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Cheering, "USA! USA! We're number one."
47
00:02:29,023 --> 00:02:31,860
And the left sees it like
they were at an ICU unit.
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"I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do.
49
00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:42,328
America is terminally racist
and fatally patriarchal.
50
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It's hopeless."
51
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Let's be honest.
We don't even like each other.
52
00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:49,294
We don't even support each other's
businesses or economies.
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00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:52,505
Red states hate Hollywood and the media.
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00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:55,049
They won't go to the movies
or read The New York Times.
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00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,342
And blue states
56
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,845
won't use tobacco, dairy, or carbs.
57
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:05,184
The red states base their vote
on Paul's Letter to the Corinthians.
58
00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:09,147
Blue states base theirs
on The Chomsky Reader.
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00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:11,733
And nobody wants to admit
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00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:13,484
it isn't really working out.
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00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:16,362
Because it's embarrassing
to be the generation
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00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:18,239
that lost the United States.
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00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:20,241
I get it. I grew up here too.
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Lot of it was about enthusiasm,
positivity, hype.
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00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,456
People would say,
"America is the greatest.
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The greatest! The greatest."
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00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,083
And you'd go, "Yeah, it's great."
68
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,835
They'd go, "Why're you being so negative?
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00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:35,131
We just said, 'The greatest.'
Why would you say 'great'?"
70
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,343
Yeah, nobody wants to admit,
it didn't really pan out.
71
00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:41,304
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
No country really worked.
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00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,765
We had as good a run as anybody else.
73
00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:49,062
We still have the remnants
of the greatest empire in history.
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00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:52,982
Still have the best towels
out of any country you'll ever go to.
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00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,361
You go to the nicest hotels in Europe,
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00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:58,321
you're still wet after using them.
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00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,075
You're wet, and the towels are wet.
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00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,661
The towels don't work.
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00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,414
Still have the greatest abundance
of ice cubes.
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00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:12,418
Prime Minister of England
asks for ice cubes in a glass,
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00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:13,628
they give him one ice cube.
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00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,297
Average person here,
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00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,716
six ice cubes, seven ice cubes.
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00:04:20,301 --> 00:04:22,971
You go out for a drink after this show,
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00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:24,472
they'll give you six ice cubes.
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00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:26,391
That's the society we set up.
87
00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:29,560
This guy's worth more ice cubes
than the Prime Minister of England.
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00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:35,525
We're so successful, we have a diet
called "intermittent fasting"
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00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:37,443
where you go to bed hungry.
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00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,779
I mean, in the...
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00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:43,825
History of civilization,
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00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:46,995
everyone's primal goal,
not to go to bed hungry.
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00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,579
And we get to the point,
people walk up to you,
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00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:50,456
"How are you doing?" "I'm starving."
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00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,000
"Congratulations."
96
00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:56,963
We succeeded. We're badass.
97
00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:58,423
If there's a World War right now,
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00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:00,925
we have to worry about
maybe, two countries,
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00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,051
China and Russia.
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00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,096
Out of 190 countries, two.
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00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:08,349
Uruguay has to be nice to everybody.
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00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,395
They go to the
UN Security Council meetings,
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00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,314
they bump into Luxembourg
coming out of the bathroom,
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they're both going, "Excuse me."
"Excuse me. I didn't see you."
105
00:05:18,192 --> 00:05:20,278
Meanwhile, our President
can go, "Up yours!"
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00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:23,823
Everybody's like, "Oh, it's America.
You know how they get. They're crazy."
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'Cause they know we can really hurt them.
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You know, while other
countries talk tough,
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but they can't get off the barstool.
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So, the problem is not out there.
The problem is in here.
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We have met the enemy. It is us.
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And now, we're at risk of a civil war.
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00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,799
And you don't want to see a civil war
in this country.
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This country is not built
for another civil war.
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It's gonna be the first time in history
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that you see fat refugees.
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That's not gonna be a good look, really.
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Refugees in jorts and flip-flops
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and Dunder Mifflin T-shirts,
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00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,073
pulling coolers
towards the Canadian border.
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00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:07,992
It's gonna look like a giant cattle drive.
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00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:12,246
There's nothing glamorous...
Fifty years from now,
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00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:15,458
kids are in history class
reading about the Battle of Six Flags.
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00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,838
The Siege of Dave & Buster's.
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00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,802
The problem with war,
it makes idiocy contagious.
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You wind up with mass hysteria,
like this country right now.
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00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:32,433
Half this country swears
there's a Muslim invasion, right now,
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00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:34,811
and the other half swears
there's a Nazi invasion.
129
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:37,230
That's why this country's
built on compromise.
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00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:41,317
'Cause the Founding Fathers understood
most people are mentally ill.
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00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,698
And the problem with compromise,
nobody ever compromises.
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00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:50,701
Our system has been
in gridlock for 40 years
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00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:52,829
and no one seems alarmed by this.
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00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:55,873
It's like our system's like,
you're sitting in your car in traffic
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00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:57,291
for 40 years.
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00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:01,462
You're honking your horn,
your battery's dead,
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00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,048
you're out of gas,
you've pissed your pants.
138
00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:05,925
You're cursing, "I'm gonna kill everybody!
139
00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,927
I'll kill... I'll kill myself
and everybody else."
140
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:10,054
And the person next to you goes,
"Yeah, but at least you get to say that.
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00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:11,472
That's the beauty of this country."
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00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,353
And let's remember,
war is more likely to start
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00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,814
when extremists start to rise to the top.
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00:07:19,897 --> 00:07:23,025
Because extremists are who you want
in charge during a war.
145
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,236
You don't want moderate generals.
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00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,363
Who needs a moderate general?
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00:07:28,072 --> 00:07:30,658
You don't want a general
giving that pre-battle speech,
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00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:34,370
"Okay, men, we're gonna descend that hill
and destroy that village.
149
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:38,249
Remember something. Those people
down there are basically just like us...
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00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:39,500
deep down.
151
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,463
It's a different culture.
Now, let's go kill 'em."
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00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,425
You don't want philosophers.
You want generals.
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00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:49,260
"They're bad. We're good."
154
00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:52,763
And we're not gonna be able
to stop war once it starts.
155
00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:56,184
No one in history has figured out
how to stop a war.
156
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:58,603
Nobody's even figured out
how to stop bar fights.
157
00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:00,563
How are we gonna stop wars?
158
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,274
And bars are the last place
there should ever be a fight.
159
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:05,067
Bars are the happiest place on Earth.
160
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,944
It's like Disneyland for adults.
161
00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:09,197
You're not at work anymore.
162
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,408
You're with friends.
There's liquor, music, attractive people,
163
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,743
and there's still violence.
164
00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:17,788
Work is where you would've expected
to have seen violence, is all.
165
00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:21,626
'Cause you're at work.
166
00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:23,127
9:30, Tuesday morning,
167
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,755
should be the most violent place
on the planet.
168
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:35,598
"Don't go near the copier.
It's a bucket of blood."
169
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:41,020
So, how did all this happen
to such a great empire?
170
00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:43,022
Well, for one thing, we wanted more.
171
00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:44,482
That was our mission statement.
172
00:08:44,565 --> 00:08:46,692
"Bigger, better, faster, more."
173
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:49,987
Started out with 13 colonies
and now we're at 50 states.
174
00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:51,781
What was wrong with 13 colonies?
175
00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:53,991
Thirteen seems like a lot.
176
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,494
We were already bigger
than England and France.
177
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:57,787
But we got greedy.
178
00:08:58,329 --> 00:08:59,830
We didn't take the hint from God.
179
00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:03,709
God put giant mountain ranges
and rivers all over the place.
180
00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:06,337
That was to indicate different countries.
181
00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:11,717
Europe, same size as us, basically.
Bunch of different countries.
182
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:13,469
'Cause they understood,
183
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:16,806
every 700 miles,
people have a different personality.
184
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:23,854
I mean, do you really think Hungary
and Scotland have less in common
185
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:25,815
than Utah and New Jersey?
186
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,031
And the glue that was
gonna keep us all together,
187
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,617
keep us from tribalism, civil war...
188
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:38,202
All that Constitution stuff,
189
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:41,539
democracy, equality, free speech.
190
00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:44,792
"Free speech."
Boy, did we take that one too far.
191
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,587
Nobody ever shuts up in this country.
192
00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:51,215
And for a country based on free speech,
I gotta say,
193
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,759
haven't heard a lot of great speeches
come out of here.
194
00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:58,264
If you can name 20 great speeches
since our country began,
195
00:09:58,347 --> 00:09:59,515
I'm wrong, but you can't.
196
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,808
There's been like five.
197
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:02,685
The Martin Luther King speech,
198
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,437
the John F. Kennedy speech,
199
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,439
and the next three were
end-of-the-season monologues
200
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:07,982
on The Bachelor...
201
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,030
Where the guy gives
the speech to the girl.
202
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,949
He's like, "With you,
I feel like I can be me,
203
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:18,701
but..."
204
00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:22,413
[sighs] "But with her,
205
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:25,374
I feel like I can be the man
I'm supposed to be someday.
206
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:28,544
And...
207
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,213
I did...
208
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,094
And I did put myself out there,
209
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,138
and I do see myself
with a wife and children
210
00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:41,057
and a family someday,
211
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:42,767
and it would only be with you.
212
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,936
But you're so perfect that that scares me.
213
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,900
That's why I'm sending you home,
214
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,654
and I'm giving...
215
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,531
I'm giving a rose to her."
216
00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:01,369
Yeah, free speech did nothing,
but it gave everybody an opinion.
217
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,621
And social media ruined opinion.
218
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:06,791
Because free speech
was never meant to go electric.
219
00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:08,501
That was an acoustic art.
220
00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:11,879
It was meant to be spoken
on top of a tree stump
221
00:11:11,962 --> 00:11:13,422
in front of seven other farmers,
222
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,007
or maybe in a general store,
223
00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:17,176
sitting outside on the porch
in a rocking chair.
224
00:11:17,259 --> 00:11:20,304
If somebody told you, even 15 years ago,
225
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,680
"We have this idea
226
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:24,892
where everybody is gonna be able
to give their innermost thoughts,
227
00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:26,977
all day, every day,
228
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:30,314
minute-by-minute updates
to the entire planet."
229
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:34,068
You would say, "Oh, God, no.
Please don't do that."
230
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:37,696
That's gonna...
231
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,162
That's gonna lead to
a breakdown of communication,
232
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:47,289
accusation, ridicule, and mob rule.
233
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,376
Because social media sounds like
the ultimate democracy.
234
00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:53,421
A civil exchange of ideas
among all people equally.
235
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,881
Nobody knew it was gonna
turn into drunks at a wedding,
236
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:58,300
grabbing the microphone
out of the best man's hand.
237
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,846
It's like, "Hold on.
I wanna say something right now."
238
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:02,972
"Who is that?"
239
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:05,224
"I don't know. He's not supposed
to be up there. It's a...
240
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:08,227
He's the date of some girl
who works with the bride. Yeah."
241
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:11,397
Remember when the Internet started,
242
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,483
we were all positive soccer moms.
243
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,944
Everybody was posting
pictures of unicorns,
244
00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:18,529
sunsets, rainbows,
245
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:20,156
inspirational quotes.
246
00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:22,741
"Make yesterday today's tomorrow."
247
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:31,876
Yeah. It's corny, but look at it now.
248
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,085
"Stay in your lane."
249
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,837
"Keep my name out of your mouth."
250
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,589
"Die in a fire."
251
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:40,843
And I'm old, you know. I grew up offline.
252
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:42,928
And in those days,
253
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:45,222
if you wanted to have
a political debate with somebody,
254
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,849
you couldn't do it in your underwear.
255
00:12:49,768 --> 00:12:52,062
You had to get dressed,
go down to the local bar,
256
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:53,397
pick up the newspaper,
257
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:55,357
find somebody you knew
disagreed with you politically.
258
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,401
You'd be like, "You like this, don't you?"
259
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:01,572
Guy goes, "Matter of fact, I do.
What's your problem?"
260
00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:02,656
And then you'd have a debate
261
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:05,117
but it was friends, family,
people you knew from the neighborhood.
262
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,827
So the bar itself was Facebook.
263
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:11,749
And Twitter was all the strangers
doing coke in the bathroom together.
264
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,380
Speaking in short bursts
of under 280 characters.
265
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:22,051
Paranoid like, "Yeah,
why are you following me, huh?
266
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:25,012
Trying to send me a message?
I'll block you."
267
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,016
Reddit was the regulars at the bar
that were there too often
268
00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:31,727
so they'd notice things
no one should ever notice.
269
00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:34,897
Just watching all the time.
270
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:36,732
"Man, did you change the taps on the IPA?"
271
00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:38,484
"Okay, that's enough out of you."
272
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,738
And the troll was the guy
in the corner, asleep,
273
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:44,990
who'd just lift his head up
every three hours and go,
274
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,492
"Everybody here can kiss my ass."
275
00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:47,910
You're like, "All right.
276
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,412
That's enough out of you.
277
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,164
We're gonna unfriend you
if you keep it up."
278
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,084
Yeah. The other thing social media did,
279
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:58,254
it created sub-categories
of personalities.
280
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,130
Messiah people.
281
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:03,425
There's people that have
a savior complex on social media.
282
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:04,718
Which, I get it.
283
00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:06,679
If you have more than 12 followers,
284
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:09,974
technically, you're doing better
than Jesus ever did.
285
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:15,813
That's what they're probably thinking.
286
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,857
"Hey, Jesus had 12, I have 23.
287
00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:22,194
I should probably weigh in
on some of the matters of the day."
288
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,031
The grandiosity, the self-importance,
289
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,491
thumbs up, thumbs down...
290
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:29,827
We created a nation of Roman emperors.
291
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:34,874
Also, people that think
because they're famous,
292
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:36,458
that must mean they're intelligent.
293
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,211
You have famous people
294
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,797
that have spent every day
of the last five years online,
295
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:45,467
arguing with Mississippi teenagers
over the Affordable Care Act.
296
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,765
Athletes giving civics lessons
297
00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:53,684
to electricians from Topeka.
298
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:57,938
Filmmakers on the red carpet
scolding sheet-metal workers.
299
00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,523
Like the guy's supposed to go,
300
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:00,691
"I better listen to him.
301
00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:03,986
He directed a superhero movie
I kind of liked three years ago."
302
00:15:05,821 --> 00:15:08,741
I saw a famous actor tweeting
from the Mediterranean,
303
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:11,035
"Here on vacation with my son in Italy.
304
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:12,995
Just want to remind people back home
305
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:15,247
to get out next week
and vote for 3rd Alderman,
306
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:17,583
14th district in Southwest Indiana."
307
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,127
Does he not know
308
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:21,712
he's lecturing a guy
309
00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:24,048
in the 14th district in Southwest Indiana
310
00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:25,591
who's eating a Hungry-Man dinner
311
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,468
on an engine block in the living room?
312
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,512
For his son's birthday,
he has to convince him
313
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:32,932
his old welding helmet
is an Iron Man mask.
314
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:34,934
He has no vacation.
315
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,686
Vacation... He lets the kids
come down to the job site
316
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,563
and play with the blasting caps
317
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,816
while his wife's trying to get a suntan
laying on a paving shovel.
318
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:46,153
You don't drive up to people
in your Lamborghini,
319
00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:48,322
splash 'em with mud.
When they go, "What'd you do that for?"
320
00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:50,366
You go, "I'm speaking truth to power."
321
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,578
But people don't care
what I'm saying right now.
322
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,455
Everybody wants to control other people.
323
00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:59,249
What they say, what they think. Everybody.
324
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,835
Even people that you'd go to see
325
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:04,505
with the express purpose
of having a different opinion.
326
00:16:04,588 --> 00:16:07,299
Like a comedian, hypothetically.
327
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:12,554
Yes, a lot of people are focused
on comedians' language.
328
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:15,766
Yeah, it's been really fun
watching comedy become "woke"
329
00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:17,101
and...
330
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:18,268
[applause]
331
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:19,853
Because... Yeah.
332
00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:23,273
No, look.
333
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:24,817
Bloggers tell me all the time. They say,
334
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,235
"As a comedian, don't you realize
335
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:28,570
you're supposed to evolve
with your audience?"
336
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,573
And that is true.
That's actually why I got into comedy.
337
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:35,202
So I could march in lockstep
with society's contemporary convention.
338
00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:36,829
[cheering and applause]
339
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:37,955
Anyway...
340
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,587
I wanted to conform to the status quo.
341
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,048
They asked me when I was a little kid,
342
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,883
"Colin, what do you wanna be
when you grow up?" I said,
343
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,052
"I don't care.
As long as I get to reinforce
344
00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:53,804
mainstream opinion."
345
00:16:56,056 --> 00:16:58,183
People said, "You sound like
you'd be a good comedian."
346
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,229
You know, all this focus on language
347
00:17:02,312 --> 00:17:05,399
makes me realize we need
a natural disaster fast,
348
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:06,984
just to give people a perspective.
349
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:09,653
Do you think during the plague,
people are covered with boils,
350
00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:11,864
and they're like,
"I'm uncomfortable with the phrase
351
00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:13,824
'throw out your dead,' first of all.
352
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,618
It's marginalizing.
It's a little bit demonizing."
353
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:20,330
The other thing free speech gave
is everybody's a critic.
354
00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:22,166
Everybody knows what's wrong.
355
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:24,251
Even if you don't have a solution,
it doesn't matter.
356
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:25,544
You get to give your opinion.
357
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:28,964
Ask anybody what's wrong
with this country, they know. Geniuses.
358
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,341
"I'll tell you the problem
with this country. These politicians."
359
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:34,094
Everybody's like,
"Oh, there's a fresh take." You know.
360
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:37,264
They're like,
"No, it's these corporations."
361
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:40,184
"It's the insurance companies."
"It's the drug companies."
362
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:43,187
"It's the legal system."
"It's the justice system."
363
00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:45,189
"It's the unions." "It's the immigrants."
364
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:46,482
"It's the American people."
365
00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:48,442
And finally, the big-picture visionary.
366
00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:52,279
"Problem with this country
is it's a corrupt, decaying,
367
00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:55,491
systemically sexist, racist,
homophobic, xenophobic,
368
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,076
genocidal hellhole."
369
00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,160
Like, "That sounds terrible.
370
00:17:58,243 --> 00:17:59,912
You gotta get out of there fast.
You gotta leave."
371
00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:02,831
Like, "Why would I leave?
It's the greatest country in the world."
372
00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:08,212
Yeah. So, free speech was a stupid idea
373
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:09,755
'cause we're not
smart enough to handle that.
374
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:12,007
It should've been Free Speech
Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
375
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,425
Say whatever you want.
376
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,804
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday,
facial expressions only.
377
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,849
Sunday, you think about what
you're gonna say that week.
378
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,937
What else? Law.
379
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:28,440
We're not a nation of men.
We're a nation of laws, right?
380
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:32,778
And, uh, people that enforce those laws
are called "representatives."
381
00:18:32,861 --> 00:18:34,613
That was the genius
of the Founding Fathers.
382
00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:37,449
They said, "Middleman."
That's what they came up with.
383
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,159
Politicians, lawyers, cops.
384
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:40,994
People you can focus your anger on,
385
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:42,454
so you don't end up chasing each other
386
00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,832
around the town squares
with hammers all day.
387
00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:48,210
Because if there was no real estate agent,
388
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,129
the old days, no middleman,
389
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,089
people would just walk up,
knock on your door,
390
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:54,758
"Hey, what's up.
I like your house. I wanna live here."
391
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,469
"Well, I live here. I like it."
392
00:18:58,011 --> 00:18:59,388
"Do you like it enough to die for it?
393
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,974
'Cause that's where this is going,
you understand that?"
394
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,436
You'd have to go, "Excuse me."
Go in the back,
395
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,148
get a sharpened object,
come out and slice their head off.
396
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,233
Put it on a stake outside your house.
397
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,443
That was to tell everybody,
"Not for sale."
398
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:17,739
Instead, you got the middleman.
399
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,701
Real estate agent who goes, "You don't
even need to talk to each other.
400
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:21,994
You never meet.
401
00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:23,829
It's just, here's the law,
here's the contract,
402
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:24,997
here's the way we do it."
403
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,248
But we even took that too far.
404
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:29,459
Now, we just use it
to blame the middleman.
405
00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:31,670
Like politicians. Perfect example.
406
00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:34,548
People go, "These politicians
are corrupt." Why?
407
00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:38,468
"Because they do favors for people
that gave them money to get elected."
408
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,054
First of all, that sounds
like an ethical person to me.
409
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,347
A corr...
410
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,145
A corrupt person takes your money
and doesn't do you a favor.
411
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:51,565
It's not their fault the system is set up
412
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:53,859
where all representatives
have to go, hat in hand,
413
00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:55,360
to the advertising executive.
414
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,487
"Can I do a commercial tonight?
Thirty seconds?"
415
00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:59,531
Guy's like, "$100,000."
416
00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:02,284
"But you don't understand.
This is not for a product.
417
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:05,329
This is for the election.
The foundation of our democracy."
418
00:20:05,412 --> 00:20:06,455
And the advertising agent's like,
419
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:09,124
"And you don't understand,
this is the season finale
420
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,459
of Young Sheldon."
421
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:14,254
Yeah.
422
00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:18,508
The problem with our system of law
is that it's not even our system.
423
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,177
It's based on Roman law.
424
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:24,348
That system best known
for killing Jesus Christ.
425
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:26,808
I'd say we got off on the wrong foot.
426
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:31,355
The first democratic vote
I ever heard of, Pontius Pilate.
427
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:34,107
The Roman governor
brings out Barabbas and Jesus,
428
00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:36,526
and goes, "We're stepping out of this.
It's up to you.
429
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,446
Only you people decide
who lives, who dies.
430
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:41,865
Got Barabbas. You've seen him around town.
431
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:43,200
He murders people.
432
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:44,952
There's nothing else
you would know him from,
433
00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:46,495
except murdering people.
434
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:51,541
We got this new guy, Jesus.
He just got here Monday.
435
00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:52,793
He's...
436
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:56,380
We think he's a false prophet,
but it's, you know...
437
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:59,591
We get a lot of those.
It's basically a misdemeanor in Judaea."
438
00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:02,678
And Jesus lost... He didn't lose,
439
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,221
Jesus got swept.
440
00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,306
And we kept voting that way.
441
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:10,811
Why? Why would the Founding Fathers
keep a system of law
442
00:21:10,894 --> 00:21:12,896
where the son of God
could lose to a serial killer?
443
00:21:14,856 --> 00:21:15,983
Why? Because they felt
444
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,944
they could neutralize
the mob rule aspect of democracy
445
00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:20,279
with representatives.
446
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:22,489
So, when you go outside tonight,
447
00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:25,158
if there's somebody naked,
waving a machete around,
448
00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:27,244
which I'm sure you've all seen
a couple of times...
449
00:21:28,036 --> 00:21:29,538
You don't think like a mob, like,
450
00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:32,582
"Let's stone him to death.
Burn him alive like the good old days."
451
00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:34,459
You think, representative.
452
00:21:35,335 --> 00:21:37,921
Middleman. "Somebody should call a cop."
453
00:21:38,005 --> 00:21:39,798
Because in a representative democracy,
454
00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:42,926
there's a guy with a mustache
that passed the civil service test.
455
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:46,096
He's supposed to show up and go,
"What do you want me to do?"
456
00:21:46,179 --> 00:21:47,514
And you go, "Get in the middle."
457
00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:54,354
And there were other systems
of law before ours too,
458
00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:55,522
that worked well.
459
00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:58,567
Duels, vendettas, vigilante justice.
460
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:01,528
Nobody sued for slander
in the days of duels.
461
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:04,072
You'd take care of it yourself.
You'd walk up,
462
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:07,034
"I heard you said the Duke of Gloucester
was a scoundrel."
463
00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:11,788
And the guy's like, "Yeah, so what?"
464
00:22:12,539 --> 00:22:15,167
"So, I'm the Duke of Gloucester.
That's 'so what.'
465
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:19,212
En garde, you slithering rat-catcher."
You know.
466
00:22:21,298 --> 00:22:24,092
Vendetta. In the days of vendetta...
467
00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:26,803
Vendetta... Some other family would come
468
00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:29,473
and start grazing
their animals on your land,
469
00:22:29,556 --> 00:22:31,725
which is kind of... That's an insult.
470
00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:34,936
That's like if somebody puts their jacket
on the back of your seat.
471
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:37,355
That's an intrusion on your territory.
472
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:39,107
So, they'd go to the elders,
"What do we do?
473
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:41,485
They're grazing animals on our land.
Do we kill them?"
474
00:22:41,568 --> 00:22:43,278
He's like, "You don't kill them.
You let them...
475
00:22:43,361 --> 00:22:44,780
They're poor, like us.
476
00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:46,448
They got four yaks. We have four yaks.
477
00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:49,451
Let them grow.
Let them have family. Let them graze.
478
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:53,163
Let them be prosperous.
Kids, grandkids, great-grandkids.
479
00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:55,290
Then when they're
at the pinnacle of their success,
480
00:22:55,373 --> 00:22:56,583
then you kill them."
481
00:22:58,043 --> 00:22:59,586
That's a vendetta.
482
00:23:01,296 --> 00:23:03,548
So, if somebody puts their jacket
on the back of your seat
483
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,300
at this show,
you're not gonna do anything.
484
00:23:05,383 --> 00:23:07,177
But wait till you're at Hamilton.
485
00:23:07,511 --> 00:23:09,179
Then, it might...
486
00:23:10,097 --> 00:23:11,473
Then, it might actually mean something.
487
00:23:12,390 --> 00:23:14,476
And vigilante justice, which was...
488
00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:16,019
Say what you want about vigilante justice,
489
00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:18,688
things like sexual harassment
never happened.
490
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:20,482
They never got off the ground.
491
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:23,318
'Cause the girl
would come home crying, "Papa!"
492
00:23:23,401 --> 00:23:24,653
"What's the matter, daughter?"
493
00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:28,240
"My supervisor, Carl,
is saying disgusting things to me."
494
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:30,992
He's like, "Really? Get your brothers.
Get your cousins."
495
00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:35,372
Go down there. "Are you Carl?"
496
00:23:35,455 --> 00:23:38,291
"Yeah." Beat him to death
with shovels. Yeah.
497
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,671
It worked, but it was too primitive
for our taste.
498
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:44,422
We replaced it with the Constitution.
499
00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:47,092
The biggest middleman of all, by the way.
500
00:23:47,425 --> 00:23:49,845
But we even took the Constitution too far,
501
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:52,889
where now it serves the guilty
more than the victim
502
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:54,141
'cause of the red tape.
503
00:23:54,224 --> 00:23:56,601
'Cause now a girl comes home,
she's crying.
504
00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:58,687
She's talking to the Constitution,
not her father.
505
00:23:58,770 --> 00:24:01,314
She's like, "My supervisor, Carl,
says disgusting--"
506
00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:04,234
"Well, that's freedom of speech.
'Says' is a tricky area."
507
00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:07,821
"Yeah, but he sits
too close to me at work--"
508
00:24:07,904 --> 00:24:09,406
"Eh, freedom of assembly."
509
00:24:11,491 --> 00:24:14,161
"But he's asked me out like 30 times.
I turn him down, he won't stop--"
510
00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:15,662
"Right to petition."
511
00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:21,501
And then, First Amendment,
the Bill of Rights, led to what?
512
00:24:21,585 --> 00:24:23,712
Sodom and Gomorrah.
That's what rights always lead to.
513
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:27,132
We are literally swiping
other human beings, right?
514
00:24:27,215 --> 00:24:29,968
People are swiping
other human beings every day.
515
00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:32,971
That's... If you showed
Tinder to Caligula...
516
00:24:34,973 --> 00:24:36,391
He would've gone,
"Let me get this straight.
517
00:24:36,474 --> 00:24:38,894
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
This is what you...
518
00:24:39,394 --> 00:24:42,397
Geez, I mean, I like to have a good time,
but this is really too much."
519
00:24:44,774 --> 00:24:46,067
We're gonna have to pull back.
520
00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:49,487
We're gonna go back to dating,
what dating was before electricity.
521
00:24:49,571 --> 00:24:52,240
No sex. That's how this country got built.
522
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:53,325
Guys show up...
523
00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:56,286
Next generation,
young guys are gonna show up at the door.
524
00:24:56,369 --> 00:24:59,331
Bow hello to the family,
like the old days.
525
00:24:59,414 --> 00:25:01,041
First date was the same date every time,
526
00:25:01,208 --> 00:25:02,626
a walk on a path.
527
00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:06,171
Just take a nice walk on a path.
528
00:25:06,463 --> 00:25:09,007
Second date, things start
to heat up a little bit.
529
00:25:09,090 --> 00:25:10,967
You push her on a swing for 20 minutes.
530
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:14,721
A swing was a nice time back then.
531
00:25:15,388 --> 00:25:17,974
A swing is still, actually, a nice time.
That's what's embarrassing.
532
00:25:18,058 --> 00:25:19,643
You ever go on a swing
accidentally as an adult,
533
00:25:19,726 --> 00:25:22,729
and you start to enjoy yourself?
You feel embarrassment.
534
00:25:23,396 --> 00:25:25,732
But that's how this country was built.
Nobody had sex.
535
00:25:25,815 --> 00:25:28,401
Through the 1940s.
You watch those 1940s movies,
536
00:25:28,485 --> 00:25:29,945
the guy's trying to get a kiss.
537
00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:33,198
That's... One kiss!
That's the plot of the whole movie.
538
00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:36,952
It's World War II.
He's got a sailor outfit on.
539
00:25:37,035 --> 00:25:39,829
"Come on, doll, give me a kiss.
I'm crazy about you.
540
00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:43,083
I'm shipping out tomorrow."
He's always shipping out tomorrow.
541
00:25:45,293 --> 00:25:46,419
And the girl's like, "No," you know.
542
00:25:46,503 --> 00:25:48,880
He's got 500 wingmen
behind him on the destroyer.
543
00:25:48,964 --> 00:25:50,423
And, like, they're trying to
back him up. Like...
544
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:53,260
[singing] ♪ Give him a kiss, honey
Give him a kiss, baby ♪
545
00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:55,220
♪ Give him a kiss, baby ♪
546
00:25:58,890 --> 00:26:02,269
You know, he tries to tell her,
"This is war. This is real, hon.
547
00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:04,562
We're going to Normandy beach
on this thing tomorrow.
548
00:26:05,021 --> 00:26:07,607
Can I get one kiss?
I got a bad feeling about this, you know."
549
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:12,112
She'd say, "Honeymoon."
That's when you got the first kiss.
550
00:26:12,195 --> 00:26:13,863
Honeymoon.
That's the first time you had sex.
551
00:26:13,947 --> 00:26:15,115
Even when I was a kid,
552
00:26:15,198 --> 00:26:18,326
Johnny Carson would get on TV
and make jokes about the honeymoon,
553
00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:21,037
all the old people would fall out
of their chairs laughing
554
00:26:21,121 --> 00:26:23,039
'cause that was the dirtiest joke
you could say.
555
00:26:23,873 --> 00:26:25,083
That's the first time you had sex.
556
00:26:25,166 --> 00:26:26,251
And Johnny'd be out there, like...
557
00:26:26,334 --> 00:26:29,587
[imitates Carson] "Then they went
on their honeymoon." You know.
558
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:31,631
And all the old ladies would be like,
559
00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:34,259
"Oh, Johnny, you are too much!
I swear, you are too much."
560
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,972
Like, "They didn't leave the room
for three days." "Johnny!"
561
00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:41,891
Now, people go on their honeymoon,
562
00:26:41,975 --> 00:26:44,060
they've had sex with each other
hundreds of times.
563
00:26:44,144 --> 00:26:45,645
Nothing special happening.
564
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:49,149
Like, "Hey, it's our honeymoon.
You wanna have sex?"
565
00:26:49,232 --> 00:26:51,318
"What about the paddleboard rental, huh?
566
00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:57,657
What is your problem?
567
00:26:58,408 --> 00:27:00,785
I don't wanna have sex with you.
This is our honeymoon!
568
00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:04,164
We're supposed to be doing things
different than we do back home,
569
00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:05,707
making memories.
570
00:27:06,249 --> 00:27:08,585
There's parasailing, a volcano tour.
571
00:27:09,169 --> 00:27:11,004
I've had sex with you half my life.
572
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,673
I've never been on a zip-line."
573
00:27:17,927 --> 00:27:20,805
Yeah, there once was
a kinder, gentler time.
574
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:23,350
Even the music back then, the '40s music,
575
00:27:23,433 --> 00:27:26,186
it wasn't, like, so overtly sexual.
576
00:27:26,311 --> 00:27:27,854
Nobody mentioned any body...
577
00:27:27,937 --> 00:27:30,732
It was... Lower your expectations.
You know what I mean?
578
00:27:30,815 --> 00:27:32,901
It's like... No "tits, ass."
579
00:27:32,984 --> 00:27:34,277
"Your eyes."
580
00:27:35,695 --> 00:27:37,322
"Your lips." [sighs]
581
00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:38,990
"The stars."
582
00:27:39,866 --> 00:27:41,701
"The way you wear your hat." You know.
583
00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:44,746
Lower expectat--
584
00:27:44,829 --> 00:27:47,082
Guy would get an erection
just on the idea
585
00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:49,584
of the moon bouncing off your hair.
586
00:27:55,256 --> 00:27:57,217
And I know some people will say,
"No, it was healthy
587
00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,928
that we started having pre-marital sex
in the 1960s."
588
00:28:00,011 --> 00:28:01,221
No, it wasn't.
589
00:28:01,304 --> 00:28:03,390
If it was, then why a year later...
590
00:28:03,473 --> 00:28:05,100
It should've been novelty enough...
591
00:28:05,183 --> 00:28:08,269
Pre-marital missionary position
should've kept us going for 80 years,
592
00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:10,105
but a year later, people were bored.
593
00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:12,857
"Let's have doggy style."
"Why don't you get on top?"
594
00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:14,776
Three-way, oral, anal.
595
00:28:14,859 --> 00:28:16,861
And now, do you even recognize sex?
596
00:28:17,737 --> 00:28:19,239
Smack you in the face. "Excuse me."
597
00:28:20,615 --> 00:28:21,783
Pull your hair.
598
00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:23,410
Spit.
599
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:25,245
Choke hold.
600
00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:28,498
When I was growing up, sex would end
'cause the girl would go, "I came."
601
00:28:28,581 --> 00:28:29,833
Now, they tap out.
602
00:28:37,006 --> 00:28:40,844
Because I grew up
in the 1970s, different--
603
00:28:40,927 --> 00:28:42,762
1970s, they thought we were wild.
604
00:28:42,846 --> 00:28:46,099
We were like innocent children
compared to today.
605
00:28:46,182 --> 00:28:48,893
If one of our friends
had ever walked up to us
606
00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:50,562
with a Polaroid in his hands
607
00:28:51,020 --> 00:28:52,814
and we were like, "What's that?"
He's like, "It's a...
608
00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:54,399
A picture of my penis."
609
00:28:59,904 --> 00:29:02,198
"Why do you have that?
Did the doctor take that?"
610
00:29:06,327 --> 00:29:08,163
He's like, "No, I took it myself."
611
00:29:11,624 --> 00:29:13,334
"Are you bringing it to the doctor?"
612
00:29:14,461 --> 00:29:16,880
"No. I was gonna show
that girl over there."
613
00:29:21,843 --> 00:29:23,470
"Why would you do that?"
614
00:29:25,513 --> 00:29:26,890
He's like, "'Cause I like her."
615
00:29:29,684 --> 00:29:31,686
We would've had to beat him to death.
616
00:29:32,562 --> 00:29:34,689
'Cause that would be the sign
of a serial killer.
617
00:29:36,566 --> 00:29:38,526
I guarantee it was illegal
618
00:29:38,610 --> 00:29:41,321
to have a picture of your penis,
and to hand it to another person
619
00:29:41,404 --> 00:29:44,449
in this country till like 2011
or something.
620
00:29:46,075 --> 00:29:48,578
Still probably in the FBI profile
of a serial killer.
621
00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:51,039
"Starts fires when they're little kids.
622
00:29:51,206 --> 00:29:52,373
Cruel to animals.
623
00:29:52,457 --> 00:29:54,793
Has picture of pretty average penis,
624
00:29:54,876 --> 00:29:56,336
thinks it's a great ice-breaker."
625
00:29:58,046 --> 00:30:01,382
Sex. Another thing we just took too far.
626
00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:04,260
Not all of us, obviously.
You know who you are.
627
00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:08,765
And...
628
00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:11,643
You know what you've done.
629
00:30:13,686 --> 00:30:16,189
What's left? Democracy. Equality.
630
00:30:16,272 --> 00:30:18,525
"Equality," another one
of those great ideas,
631
00:30:18,608 --> 00:30:20,318
turned out to be a really bad move.
632
00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:23,947
"Equal under the law" means
everybody is equal under the law.
633
00:30:24,030 --> 00:30:26,115
That means it protects assholes.
634
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:28,660
That means, the person...
When you're at work on your computer,
635
00:30:28,743 --> 00:30:30,203
the person that comes up
on your left shoulder
636
00:30:30,286 --> 00:30:31,830
and taps you, and you turn around there,
637
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:34,290
and then they've moved over
to your right shoulder,
638
00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:36,334
and they think that's funny...
639
00:30:36,417 --> 00:30:39,295
That person's vote counts the same
as yours every election.
640
00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:44,133
That means your funny cousin...
641
00:30:44,217 --> 00:30:46,678
At a family get-together,
you have a drink in your hand,
642
00:30:46,761 --> 00:30:48,429
and they come up behind you
643
00:30:48,513 --> 00:30:51,057
and say hello by giving you the knee
to the back of your knee,
644
00:30:51,140 --> 00:30:53,518
so you go like that and spill your drink
and almost fall,
645
00:30:53,935 --> 00:30:56,688
that person gets the same
federal holidays that you get.
646
00:31:00,942 --> 00:31:04,654
Miss, you probably get up at 6:00,
6:30 every morning,
647
00:31:04,737 --> 00:31:07,782
go to work, whatever free time you have,
you try to be a good citizen.
648
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,742
Vote, try to look at the issues.
649
00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:12,620
Lowlife back there, gets up at 11:00,
650
00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:14,622
checks the Bleacher Report.
651
00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:21,880
Last time he voted was
the NL All-Star Game 2012, you know.
652
00:31:23,256 --> 00:31:25,383
Same stamp on his passport that you have.
653
00:31:26,217 --> 00:31:28,344
That's equality. It's not justice.
654
00:31:28,428 --> 00:31:30,179
It's democracy, animal.
655
00:31:33,349 --> 00:31:37,186
Yeah, 'cause "democracy" is another one
of those great words,
656
00:31:37,270 --> 00:31:39,981
but really, democracy... First of all,
657
00:31:40,064 --> 00:31:43,651
we live collectively in a democracy,
which is fine.
658
00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:46,446
Individually, you have not
lived in a democracy.
659
00:31:46,529 --> 00:31:50,033
Your life has not been...
A sliver of it has been in democ...
660
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:52,035
Eight hours a day you've been at work.
661
00:31:52,118 --> 00:31:54,787
That's a dictatorship.
You don't vote at work.
662
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:58,291
"We want Thursday afternoons off,
we voted."
663
00:31:59,626 --> 00:32:00,668
"You're fired."
664
00:32:02,462 --> 00:32:05,590
Six hours a day, you're with your family.
That's a tribal system.
665
00:32:06,382 --> 00:32:08,468
An hour and a half a day,
you're on the subway.
666
00:32:08,551 --> 00:32:10,553
That's a failed anarchist experiment.
667
00:32:12,722 --> 00:32:14,599
And six hours a day, you're asleep.
668
00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:17,977
So, you live in a democracy
two and a half hours a day of your life.
669
00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:21,481
Half that time, you're arguing
over mispronunciations with Alexa.
670
00:32:22,982 --> 00:32:25,193
Waiting for your name
to be called out at Starbucks.
671
00:32:26,444 --> 00:32:29,864
'Cause democracy is not
a functioning system.
672
00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:31,574
It's a great concept.
673
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:34,369
We don't use it at work.
We don't use it at school.
674
00:32:34,452 --> 00:32:37,413
You need a teacher.
A strong leader, a teacher.
675
00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:39,874
You see what happens
when the teacher leaves
676
00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:41,751
and the kids are in the playground
for recess.
677
00:32:41,834 --> 00:32:44,462
They form their own government,
and it ain't a democracy.
678
00:32:46,464 --> 00:32:47,882
It's law of the jungle.
679
00:32:48,925 --> 00:32:52,095
Suddenly, warlords start to emerge,
giving out orders.
680
00:32:52,804 --> 00:32:54,597
"Trip him, he's got books."
681
00:32:56,099 --> 00:32:57,976
"Push him, he's got glasses."
682
00:32:58,184 --> 00:33:00,353
"Pull her hair, she's too quiet."
683
00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:02,897
It becomes a pack of hyenas
684
00:33:03,356 --> 00:33:06,067
looking for the gazelle
with the braces and the inhaler.
685
00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:10,238
Yeah. Democracy is... First of all,
686
00:33:10,321 --> 00:33:12,865
Founding Fathers didn't come up with it.
Greeks invented it.
687
00:33:13,157 --> 00:33:16,911
They just rode their wave. They were
in the right place at the right time.
688
00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:18,496
Now, they're on the right side of history,
689
00:33:18,579 --> 00:33:22,333
which is all anybody wants anymore,
to be on the right side of history.
690
00:33:22,417 --> 00:33:24,460
What a foolish goal. You'll never know.
691
00:33:24,794 --> 00:33:27,046
You can be on the right side,
then you're on the wrong side one day.
692
00:33:27,296 --> 00:33:29,007
You know who was on
the right side of history?
693
00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:30,800
Five-hundred years in this country,
694
00:33:30,883 --> 00:33:32,468
Christopher Columbus.
695
00:33:32,885 --> 00:33:35,972
From 1492 till 1992,
696
00:33:36,305 --> 00:33:38,474
you never heard a bad word about this guy.
697
00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:43,688
They named cities after him,
698
00:33:44,147 --> 00:33:47,442
schools, streets, circles.
699
00:33:53,031 --> 00:33:55,867
Then one day, like 11 years ago,
people started coming to me,
700
00:33:55,950 --> 00:33:57,660
"You know what tomorrow is, right?
701
00:33:57,744 --> 00:33:58,953
Columbus Day."
702
00:33:59,370 --> 00:34:00,997
Like it was Manson's birthday.
703
00:34:02,248 --> 00:34:05,251
He went from the right side
to the wrong side,
704
00:34:05,334 --> 00:34:07,712
and he was dead the whole time.
He didn't do anything different.
705
00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:12,842
But the thing about our country,
we try to atone for our sins of the past.
706
00:34:12,925 --> 00:34:15,553
So, right now, some states are already
707
00:34:15,636 --> 00:34:18,598
changing the name of Columbus Day
to "Indigenous Peoples' Day."
708
00:34:18,681 --> 00:34:20,516
Everybody goes,
"That's great. What a great idea."
709
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:21,851
That's how stupid everybody is.
710
00:34:22,518 --> 00:34:24,645
First of all, do you think
Indigenous people want
711
00:34:24,729 --> 00:34:28,024
their national holiday to be on the day
Columbus landed in America?
712
00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:32,653
This is...
713
00:34:36,365 --> 00:34:39,619
You know, this is when you know
a country is on its way out,
714
00:34:39,702 --> 00:34:42,246
when, even our holidays,
715
00:34:42,330 --> 00:34:44,916
we gotta have drama
questioning our holiday
716
00:34:44,999 --> 00:34:47,627
'cause that means
we're questioning ourselves, our identity.
717
00:34:47,710 --> 00:34:50,171
We still celebrate 'em,
but there's always controversy.
718
00:34:50,630 --> 00:34:53,549
Celebrate Thanksgiving
but just focus on the family.
719
00:34:53,633 --> 00:34:55,593
You'll never see the picture
you saw when I was a kid,
720
00:34:55,676 --> 00:34:56,886
with a long table,
721
00:34:56,969 --> 00:34:59,639
with the Pilgrims and the tribal chiefs
breaking bread.
722
00:34:59,847 --> 00:35:02,934
Just a close-up on the turkey.
Crop out the backstory.
723
00:35:04,894 --> 00:35:07,396
Still celebrate Christmas,
but no Christ, no mass,
724
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:08,773
but just "Christ-mas."
725
00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:13,861
I don't know how Valentine's Day
has slipped under the radar.
726
00:35:14,695 --> 00:35:17,907
Talk about the unequal power,
gendered dynamics.
727
00:35:17,990 --> 00:35:20,827
Trading chocolate
and flowers for sex. What...
728
00:35:22,370 --> 00:35:23,454
That's okay?
729
00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:26,707
Cupid's arrow raises consent issues.
730
00:35:29,627 --> 00:35:31,379
It's a mythological roofie.
731
00:35:35,133 --> 00:35:37,301
We still celebrate Fourth of July.
732
00:35:37,385 --> 00:35:39,053
That's the one I would've gotten rid of,
733
00:35:39,137 --> 00:35:41,472
because the Declaration of Independence,
734
00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:43,474
that created expectation.
735
00:35:43,641 --> 00:35:45,351
We made promises there.
736
00:35:45,434 --> 00:35:48,229
We declared ourselves to be the good guy.
737
00:35:48,312 --> 00:35:49,689
What a rookie move.
738
00:35:50,523 --> 00:35:52,066
You never go full good guy.
739
00:35:53,401 --> 00:35:54,735
Then you have to live up to it.
740
00:35:54,819 --> 00:35:56,779
Russia played history perfectly.
741
00:35:57,196 --> 00:35:59,157
From day one they go, "We're the asshole."
742
00:36:00,992 --> 00:36:03,286
Then no matter what they do...
They invade the Ukraine.
743
00:36:03,369 --> 00:36:04,495
You're like, "That's messed up.
744
00:36:04,579 --> 00:36:07,415
They did say they were
the asshole, though. Give 'em that."
745
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:12,211
And now, here it is, 243 years later,
746
00:36:12,295 --> 00:36:13,963
and we're running on fumes.
747
00:36:14,046 --> 00:36:17,466
America, we had such promise, you know.
748
00:36:18,009 --> 00:36:20,052
Mmm. We lived up to...
749
00:36:20,303 --> 00:36:22,597
Some of the big promises,
we did live up to.
750
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:24,223
The big one, when I was a kid,
751
00:36:24,307 --> 00:36:26,642
they said, "The reason
the United States is so great,
752
00:36:26,726 --> 00:36:29,979
anybody can grow up and become
President of the United States."
753
00:36:35,067 --> 00:36:37,361
Hey, they said "anybody."
They weren't kidding on that one.
754
00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:42,533
But just because Trump
spends all day on Twitter,
755
00:36:42,617 --> 00:36:46,537
inflicting his severe
psychological damage on all of us,
756
00:36:48,164 --> 00:36:49,999
doesn't mean you don't do the same thing.
757
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,002
Because Trump is more than just a person,
758
00:36:53,085 --> 00:36:55,087
and less than just a person, ironic.
759
00:36:55,588 --> 00:36:56,839
He's an idea.
760
00:36:56,923 --> 00:37:00,509
And he's the hill the people he speaks to
have chosen to die on,
761
00:37:00,593 --> 00:37:01,969
and they're not all Nazis.
762
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:06,849
Because if you're crouching as a plumber
under a rusty sink after the age of 40,
763
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:10,353
with bad knees,
a three-Bavarian-cream habit a day,
764
00:37:11,979 --> 00:37:13,147
and a 12-year-old truck,
765
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:15,441
you don't like being told
to acknowledge your privilege.
766
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:18,402
And everybody's telling you to do that,
except Trump.
767
00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:20,738
Because it's easy to be charitable
768
00:37:20,821 --> 00:37:23,282
when it's not your job on the line.
All right?
769
00:37:23,366 --> 00:37:27,495
I mean, right now, you know and I know,
somewhere out there...
770
00:37:27,828 --> 00:37:30,414
south of the border,
there's a Mexican George Clooney,
771
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,000
better-looking than George Clooney,
772
00:37:33,084 --> 00:37:35,503
a better actor, more charismatic,
773
00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:37,213
and he would do George Clooney movies
774
00:37:37,296 --> 00:37:39,966
for one-twentieth the salary
that George does it for.
775
00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:43,219
And if he ever makes his way up north,
776
00:37:43,302 --> 00:37:44,679
George Clooney might be chanting,
777
00:37:44,762 --> 00:37:46,681
"Build that wall! Build that wall!"
778
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:56,816
Because some people hear Trump,
they probably hear the Founding Fathers.
779
00:37:56,899 --> 00:37:58,317
Hey, you never heard
the Founding Fathers talk.
780
00:37:58,401 --> 00:37:59,485
What if they sounded like Trump?
781
00:37:59,568 --> 00:38:02,321
[imitating Trump] "We, the people
of the United States,
782
00:38:02,405 --> 00:38:04,782
in order to form a more perfect Union...
783
00:38:04,865 --> 00:38:07,868
and actually it's getting pretty perfect,
it's actually pretty fantastic.
784
00:38:08,911 --> 00:38:12,498
They won't... They don't wanna report it.
It's pretty great.
785
00:38:13,207 --> 00:38:15,960
James Madison, very bright guy.
James Madison.
786
00:38:16,460 --> 00:38:18,587
Little Jimmy.
I call him 'Little Jimmy' Madison.
787
00:38:18,671 --> 00:38:20,089
It's a joke. Take a joke.
788
00:38:20,172 --> 00:38:22,550
He can't take a joke.
He doesn't take a joke.
789
00:38:24,010 --> 00:38:25,094
Alexander Hamilton.
790
00:38:25,177 --> 00:38:26,887
Crazy Al. I call him 'Crazy Al.'
791
00:38:26,971 --> 00:38:29,056
He wants to start a bank.
He wants to start a national bank.
792
00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:32,310
I don't know. Maybe we will.
We'll see. We'll see."
793
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:38,607
[in normal voice] 'Cause the mistake is,
you're looking at him
794
00:38:38,691 --> 00:38:41,485
like he's a candidate
that was elected to political office,
795
00:38:41,569 --> 00:38:43,404
he's a... Instead of what he was,
796
00:38:43,487 --> 00:38:44,530
a middle finger.
797
00:38:44,613 --> 00:38:48,117
Because look at Christians.
Intelligent people say to me,
798
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,286
"How could Christians
have voted for Trump?"
799
00:38:50,369 --> 00:38:53,289
Here's the left's strategy
to Christians the past 50 years.
800
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:56,250
"Hey, you superstitious idiots.
Are you gonna vote for us?"
801
00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:58,878
I don't know why that doesn't work.
802
00:39:01,088 --> 00:39:03,924
Trump was probably
the least Christian person
803
00:39:04,008 --> 00:39:06,510
that's walked the face of the Earth
in a couple of centuries, but...
804
00:39:07,762 --> 00:39:09,013
he brings them in.
805
00:39:09,096 --> 00:39:11,223
Gives the speeches
like it's a corporate event.
806
00:39:11,307 --> 00:39:12,933
You know, he doesn't really know,
but he's like...
807
00:39:13,142 --> 00:39:14,435
[imitating Trump] "You Christian people,
808
00:39:14,518 --> 00:39:16,687
are some of the most fantastic,
tremendous people.
809
00:39:16,854 --> 00:39:20,900
Your faith is actually a wonderful thing.
I love your faith. I love it. I...
810
00:39:21,233 --> 00:39:23,819
The Bible is a great read, by the way.
What a great...
811
00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:26,197
What a great, great book.
812
00:39:26,489 --> 00:39:28,574
I read it at Mar-a-Lago.
I never read it before, I read it.
813
00:39:28,657 --> 00:39:30,534
Fantastic. Could not put it down.
814
00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:32,995
Read it at Mar-a-Lago. It's a beach read.
It's a great beach read.
815
00:39:35,164 --> 00:39:36,582
You got Joseph and Mary,
816
00:39:36,665 --> 00:39:38,626
they're trying to get in...
They're trying to get in, she's pregnant.
817
00:39:38,709 --> 00:39:40,336
She's about to have the baby.
They can't get in.
818
00:39:40,419 --> 00:39:42,421
They can't get in, I don't know why.
Nobody lets them in the inn.
819
00:39:42,505 --> 00:39:44,548
No room at the inn. I've owned hotels.
820
00:39:44,632 --> 00:39:46,801
Sometimes you don't want people in
for different reasons.
821
00:39:46,884 --> 00:39:48,302
But, you know...
822
00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:50,846
They finally do get in.
They have the baby.
823
00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:53,182
He grows up
to become a tremendous success.
824
00:39:53,516 --> 00:39:56,852
And, uh, lot of things happen.
Some good, some not so good.
825
00:39:58,229 --> 00:40:01,107
Treated very unfairly, by the way.
Very unfairly.
826
00:40:01,899 --> 00:40:03,484
Jesus, it's really...
827
00:40:03,567 --> 00:40:05,945
It's actually a disgrace,
the way Jesus was treated.
828
00:40:06,028 --> 00:40:07,154
I'll be honest with you."
829
00:40:08,447 --> 00:40:10,282
[in normal voice]
Yeah. But even the people who love Trump,
830
00:40:10,366 --> 00:40:12,493
I think we all know how this is gonna end.
831
00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:13,619
'Cause you think the term...
832
00:40:13,702 --> 00:40:15,913
It's obviously not gonna
be the traditional,
833
00:40:15,996 --> 00:40:18,082
waving goodbye on the White House lawn.
834
00:40:18,165 --> 00:40:19,708
Jump in the chopper.
835
00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:22,336
Even he doesn't think
it'll end that way, hmm?
836
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:25,005
It's probably... Last scene in Scarface,
I would think.
837
00:40:28,968 --> 00:40:30,010
You know?
838
00:40:30,761 --> 00:40:32,555
It just... It can be no other.
839
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:35,516
Just, you know,
Trump sitting alone in the Oval Office
840
00:40:35,599 --> 00:40:36,851
at a giant table.
841
00:40:37,101 --> 00:40:39,854
Snorting whatever prescription meds
he's been doing this whole time.
842
00:40:41,105 --> 00:40:42,148
Abandoned by everybody.
843
00:40:42,231 --> 00:40:44,650
Just like, Tony Montana relates to him.
Like Tony, you know...
844
00:40:44,984 --> 00:40:46,652
Navy SEALs go through the bay windows.
845
00:40:46,735 --> 00:40:48,279
You hear flashbang grenades.
846
00:40:48,362 --> 00:40:49,864
They carry a stretcher,
comes out and you're like,
847
00:40:49,947 --> 00:40:52,700
"Jesus... Well, I kind of thought so,
but Jesus Christ."
848
00:40:53,701 --> 00:40:55,119
But however Trump leaves,
849
00:40:55,202 --> 00:40:57,746
our fundamental differences
don't leave with him.
850
00:40:57,830 --> 00:40:59,165
We're still divided.
851
00:40:59,665 --> 00:41:02,835
The Founding Fathers wrote
in the Declaration of Independence,
852
00:41:02,918 --> 00:41:04,503
"When in the course of human events,
853
00:41:04,587 --> 00:41:07,923
it becomes necessary
for one people to dissolve
854
00:41:08,007 --> 00:41:10,468
the political bands
that have connected them to another..."
855
00:41:10,718 --> 00:41:12,428
And they were writing that
about us and England,
856
00:41:12,511 --> 00:41:15,181
but they say, subconsciously,
you're always writing about yourself.
857
00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:16,599
And maybe...
858
00:41:17,349 --> 00:41:18,809
they knew this day was coming.
859
00:41:19,268 --> 00:41:20,811
And now this day is here.
860
00:41:21,395 --> 00:41:22,438
And now what, you know?
861
00:41:24,732 --> 00:41:26,525
No, I'm asking you. Now what? I don't...
862
00:41:28,694 --> 00:41:30,112
I wrote 60% of this show
863
00:41:30,196 --> 00:41:33,032
and I was like, "Wow, this was hard."
You know?
864
00:41:34,700 --> 00:41:36,785
Um, well, we have a suggestion box
in the lobby.
865
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:39,079
If anybody is so inclined...
You never know.
866
00:41:39,163 --> 00:41:40,706
Um, yeah.
867
00:41:40,789 --> 00:41:43,292
My idea, we break it up into city-states.
868
00:41:43,375 --> 00:41:45,711
Ancient Greece gave us democracy,
they gave us city-states.
869
00:41:45,794 --> 00:41:47,254
Use it. City-states...
870
00:41:47,338 --> 00:41:49,590
'Cause Greece understood
when Persia invades,
871
00:41:49,673 --> 00:41:52,134
you have to be united.
Otherwise, don't go near each other.
872
00:41:52,218 --> 00:41:53,511
"We have nothing in common."
873
00:41:53,594 --> 00:41:55,179
Totally different personalities.
874
00:41:55,262 --> 00:41:56,931
Sparta, Athens...
875
00:41:57,014 --> 00:41:59,099
Sparta, all jocks.
876
00:41:59,183 --> 00:42:03,229
Basically standing around doing
kettlebell swings with Venetians' heads.
877
00:42:04,897 --> 00:42:06,440
If you went over 8% body fat,
878
00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:08,400
they'd throw you in the river,
get rid of you.
879
00:42:09,276 --> 00:42:11,278
Even little kids had to be tough.
880
00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:14,031
Babies walking around,
"I like your six-pack.
881
00:42:14,114 --> 00:42:16,450
Well, you look pretty good, you know.
What are you doing?"
882
00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:18,160
"I told my mother no more breast-feeding.
883
00:42:18,244 --> 00:42:20,162
I cut out dairy. It changed my life."
884
00:42:22,414 --> 00:42:25,042
Then you have Athens. Total opposite.
885
00:42:25,125 --> 00:42:28,254
Intellectual thinkers walking up
to each other all day.
886
00:42:28,754 --> 00:42:29,964
"Let me ask you something." "What?"
887
00:42:30,047 --> 00:42:31,090
"What is ethics?"
888
00:42:31,173 --> 00:42:33,384
"Whoa, you're blowing my mind right now.
889
00:42:34,385 --> 00:42:37,429
I was gonna ask you, 'What is truth?'
And you asked me, 'What is ethics?'"
890
00:42:37,513 --> 00:42:39,848
They'd discuss that for three months.
It was...
891
00:42:39,932 --> 00:42:43,561
It was these courtyards
of overly chatty people
892
00:42:43,644 --> 00:42:46,939
having these endless, circular,
annoying conversations.
893
00:42:47,398 --> 00:42:49,567
The Golden Age of Athens was a nightmare.
894
00:42:49,650 --> 00:42:51,819
It was a 250-year podcast.
895
00:42:57,491 --> 00:43:00,286
That's what we do.
Break up into red states, blue states,
896
00:43:00,369 --> 00:43:01,829
in-between states.
897
00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:03,581
E pluribus pluribus.
898
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:06,417
"Out of many, a few more."
899
00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:10,296
A year from now
you could be going to visit
900
00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:12,089
family and friends in the red states.
901
00:43:12,172 --> 00:43:15,551
Drive in, start to hear Rascal Flatts
in the background.
902
00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:18,178
Smell barbecue, Aqua Nets.
903
00:43:19,221 --> 00:43:21,390
You get in. It's divided up
904
00:43:21,473 --> 00:43:24,476
into truck stop, RV park, mega-church.
905
00:43:25,269 --> 00:43:27,146
Everybody's wearing orange vests.
906
00:43:27,229 --> 00:43:29,356
It's always hunting season
in the red states.
907
00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:31,609
Everybody's got a gun.
908
00:43:32,026 --> 00:43:34,361
The president of the NRA
is like the Tim Cook.
909
00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:37,573
He does launches every year
with a new product.
910
00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:38,699
Instead of the Apple it's like,
911
00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:41,201
"Okay, this is an iPhone Predator drone.
912
00:43:42,244 --> 00:43:44,163
It goes into your contacts,
913
00:43:44,246 --> 00:43:46,749
syncs it with Google Maps,
and all you do is go,
914
00:43:46,832 --> 00:43:48,500
'Siri, kill Steve.'"
915
00:43:51,587 --> 00:43:53,255
Then you go to the blue states.
916
00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:55,507
Your progressive states, safe states.
917
00:43:55,924 --> 00:43:58,177
You know, you go in there, you get close.
918
00:43:58,260 --> 00:44:00,387
You start to see giant speakers
on the trees
919
00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:02,389
blasting All Things Considered.
920
00:44:03,682 --> 00:44:05,434
You smell fair-trade coffee.
921
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:09,772
You go in there and people are getting
arrested for micro-aggressions.
922
00:44:11,065 --> 00:44:14,735
They're going to jail for mansplaining
and fat-shaming
923
00:44:14,818 --> 00:44:17,029
and file-sharing and live-streaming.
924
00:44:17,571 --> 00:44:20,449
The cops pull you over
for cultural appropriations.
925
00:44:21,867 --> 00:44:23,452
It's like, "No, Officer,
these aren't dreadlocks.
926
00:44:23,535 --> 00:44:25,579
The rain does this to my hair.
I swear to God."
927
00:44:26,622 --> 00:44:28,666
He's like,
"Miss, are those hoop earrings?"
928
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:30,918
"My mother's Peruvian. I have ID."
929
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:33,003
He's like, "I don't believe her.
930
00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:35,255
Give her a 23andMe.
Let's get to the bottom of this."
931
00:44:38,926 --> 00:44:42,096
And I know there are some people that go,
"No, we're the United States."
932
00:44:42,179 --> 00:44:44,890
They don't want to give up on the idea
of these United States.
933
00:44:44,973 --> 00:44:46,058
And what do they say?
934
00:44:46,141 --> 00:44:48,018
"We never tried the system
the way it was supposed to be.
935
00:44:48,102 --> 00:44:49,728
Never tried pure capitalism.
936
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:51,522
Never tried pure socialism."
937
00:44:51,605 --> 00:44:53,315
We'll have city-states try those too.
938
00:44:53,774 --> 00:44:56,568
Capitalism, another great idea
that we took too far.
939
00:44:56,652 --> 00:44:58,278
It started out as a great idea.
940
00:44:58,362 --> 00:45:00,739
One man, one business,
his name on the business.
941
00:45:00,823 --> 00:45:03,117
Henry Ford. Ford Motor Company.
942
00:45:03,450 --> 00:45:05,953
And what would he say?
"My responsibility is to my workers."
943
00:45:06,036 --> 00:45:07,621
He'd walk around all day.
944
00:45:07,704 --> 00:45:11,208
"Hey, uh, Bill, I told you
counter-clockwise on those brake pads.
945
00:45:11,291 --> 00:45:12,751
Ah-ha-ha! You know."
946
00:45:12,835 --> 00:45:14,169
He talked to everybody.
947
00:45:14,253 --> 00:45:15,879
"You betcha, Mr. Ford."
948
00:45:16,255 --> 00:45:17,965
But it became too successful.
949
00:45:18,048 --> 00:45:20,008
Businesses got replaced by corporations,
950
00:45:20,092 --> 00:45:22,970
and somebody more important
than the worker emerged from that.
951
00:45:23,053 --> 00:45:24,221
The investor.
952
00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:26,849
And investors have
different goals from workers.
953
00:45:26,932 --> 00:45:28,308
They want cheaper labor.
954
00:45:28,392 --> 00:45:31,478
So, when the blue-collar
red-state worker says,
955
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:33,063
"Immigrants are taking my jobs,
956
00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:36,650
technically, they're being given their job
by the owner to please the investor.
957
00:45:36,733 --> 00:45:38,694
And then the owner, of course,
is gonna plead innocence.
958
00:45:38,777 --> 00:45:40,446
"It's nothing to do with me. I just...
959
00:45:40,529 --> 00:45:42,030
I didn't know the guy's here illegally.
960
00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:43,490
He said he went to my high school."
961
00:45:46,743 --> 00:45:49,163
They go, "But the guy doesn't
speak a word of English."
962
00:45:49,288 --> 00:45:52,291
He's like, "I know. It wasn't a very good
high school, by the way."
963
00:45:53,500 --> 00:45:55,836
But if you want free market,
that's free market.
964
00:45:55,919 --> 00:45:58,505
A lot of socialists too. And I get it.
965
00:45:58,589 --> 00:46:01,842
It's the participation trophy
of governmental systems.
966
00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:04,553
Everybody gets a trophy.
Everybody gets a paycheck.
967
00:46:05,053 --> 00:46:07,764
And a lot of rich people
are socialists now, which is...
968
00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:09,600
Never trust a socialist
with a summer house.
969
00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:11,018
I've always said this. You know?
970
00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:16,690
And the problem with socialism, they say,
"Let the workers have power.
971
00:46:16,773 --> 00:46:19,485
They'll behave better than the owner
or the investor."
972
00:46:19,568 --> 00:46:21,236
Now, power corrupts everybody.
973
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,780
We all have the one friend
that has no power,
974
00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,991
and you go, "Thank God
that person doesn't have power.
975
00:46:26,617 --> 00:46:27,993
They would be a tyrant."
976
00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:29,828
I have one friend from the Bronx,
977
00:46:29,912 --> 00:46:31,955
just obsessed that I'm from Brooklyn.
978
00:46:32,039 --> 00:46:34,124
He's always like, "You gotta come up
to this one pizza place."
979
00:46:34,249 --> 00:46:36,418
For years, he's like, "You gotta try
the pizza in the Bronx. Best pizza ever."
980
00:46:36,502 --> 00:46:38,337
I'm like, "Yeah,
Brooklyn has good pizza too."
981
00:46:38,420 --> 00:46:40,297
"This is the best."
We finally get up there,
982
00:46:40,380 --> 00:46:41,590
try the pizza, it's great.
983
00:46:41,673 --> 00:46:42,925
So I go, "This pizza is great."
984
00:46:43,008 --> 00:46:45,511
He goes, "Better than the pizza
you grew up with?"
985
00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:48,639
Because for some people,
it's not enough.
986
00:46:48,722 --> 00:46:52,643
Equality, compromise, sharing...
987
00:46:52,726 --> 00:46:54,269
it means nothing to them.
988
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:56,813
Unless you can submit to their will,
989
00:46:57,564 --> 00:46:59,816
turn your back
on your childhood pizza place,
990
00:47:01,276 --> 00:47:04,029
and spit on the memory of the pizza guy
991
00:47:04,112 --> 00:47:06,240
that gave me free zeppoles as a child...
992
00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:09,576
they can't enjoy themselves.
993
00:47:10,202 --> 00:47:11,328
They want power.
994
00:47:11,411 --> 00:47:13,789
But if you want socialism,
you have to live it, though.
995
00:47:13,872 --> 00:47:15,165
No theoretical socialist.
996
00:47:15,249 --> 00:47:17,793
That means rotate jobs every year.
997
00:47:18,168 --> 00:47:20,087
Bell rings. Chinese food delivery.
998
00:47:20,587 --> 00:47:22,548
"George Clooney. You again?
What are you doing?
999
00:47:23,632 --> 00:47:24,633
Where's Xao Peng?"
1000
00:47:24,716 --> 00:47:28,220
"He's in Lake Como
with a model on my boat right now.
1001
00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,931
I'm living in a rooming house
on Sunset Park.
1002
00:47:31,014 --> 00:47:32,391
I should've kept my mouth shut."
1003
00:47:33,100 --> 00:47:35,769
And I understand it's sad
breaking up the United States,
1004
00:47:35,852 --> 00:47:38,230
but we're already broken up,
this would just be acknowledging it.
1005
00:47:38,313 --> 00:47:39,606
We're already tribal.
1006
00:47:39,690 --> 00:47:41,650
We're broken into tribes already.
It's over.
1007
00:47:41,858 --> 00:47:45,070
Liberal, conservative,
white, black, Latino,
1008
00:47:45,153 --> 00:47:47,406
Asian, Wall Street, Main Street,
1009
00:47:47,489 --> 00:47:50,075
the working poor,
the forgotten middle class,
1010
00:47:50,158 --> 00:47:52,578
feminists, soccer moms, Bernie bros,
1011
00:47:52,661 --> 00:47:55,289
dad bods, man tits, mom jeans,
1012
00:47:55,372 --> 00:47:57,958
muffin-tops, unibrows...
1013
00:47:58,041 --> 00:48:00,002
Paleo, cardio, keto,
1014
00:48:00,085 --> 00:48:01,503
intersectional, trans, vegans...
1015
00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:05,173
We're more tribal
than 18th-century Afghanistan.
1016
00:48:07,301 --> 00:48:09,011
Just admit it. Yeah.
1017
00:48:14,224 --> 00:48:15,267
Yeah.
1018
00:48:15,350 --> 00:48:16,560
Well, maybe we go out gracefully.
1019
00:48:16,643 --> 00:48:19,813
Admit we had a good run,
we ran its course.
1020
00:48:19,896 --> 00:48:22,899
I mean, we did pretty good.
We got dropped down here naked,
1021
00:48:23,525 --> 00:48:26,403
surrounded by SUV-sized tigers, monsters,
1022
00:48:26,862 --> 00:48:29,406
and we beat them all,
we conquered them all
1023
00:48:29,489 --> 00:48:32,576
just with our minds
and our opposable thumbs to make weapons.
1024
00:48:34,244 --> 00:48:36,455
Yeah, these helped us survive.
1025
00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:38,999
And ironically,
they're gonna destroy us now.
1026
00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:41,251
Yeah.
1027
00:48:48,342 --> 00:48:50,927
And I mean, we did good.
We made something out of nothing.
1028
00:48:51,219 --> 00:48:53,722
And the last thing we made,
last thing we're gonna make,
1029
00:48:53,805 --> 00:48:55,390
AI, robots.
1030
00:48:55,474 --> 00:48:58,602
'Cause robots are here to replace us.
And they should, right?
1031
00:48:58,685 --> 00:48:59,728
I mean...
1032
00:49:01,396 --> 00:49:04,316
They just work so much better,
so efficient...
1033
00:49:04,399 --> 00:49:09,196
And some people go, "Yeah, but what about
humor, love, the human touch?"
1034
00:49:09,655 --> 00:49:11,865
My phone, which I've had
for a year and a half,
1035
00:49:11,948 --> 00:49:13,909
has given me more pleasure
1036
00:49:14,451 --> 00:49:15,744
and information
1037
00:49:16,286 --> 00:49:19,373
than all my friends put together
over the entire course of my life.
1038
00:49:21,333 --> 00:49:23,585
If you had to give up
your cell phone right now,
1039
00:49:23,669 --> 00:49:25,712
right here, for the rest of your life...
1040
00:49:26,046 --> 00:49:28,882
Give up your cell phone
and never have a cell phone again,
1041
00:49:28,965 --> 00:49:33,261
or you get a new updated cell phone
every year for free,
1042
00:49:33,720 --> 00:49:37,683
but one of your friends,
the one that you fight with the most,
1043
00:49:38,725 --> 00:49:39,935
has to die.
1044
00:49:41,436 --> 00:49:43,063
I mean, you don't have to say it out loud,
1045
00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:45,565
just think in your heart
what you would really...
1046
00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:47,401
What you would really do.
1047
00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:49,444
See?
1048
00:49:51,154 --> 00:49:52,948
I mean, look.
1049
00:49:53,532 --> 00:49:56,368
Nobody lifted a finger
when robots replaced horses.
1050
00:49:56,451 --> 00:49:57,869
Cars are robots for horses.
1051
00:49:57,953 --> 00:50:00,288
That's the first time jobs got replaced.
1052
00:50:00,956 --> 00:50:04,626
I mean, horses worked for us,
and they did more than just cars.
1053
00:50:04,710 --> 00:50:07,713
They were your tractor,
they were your hunting companion,
1054
00:50:07,796 --> 00:50:11,550
your emotional support animal,
your best friend.
1055
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:13,677
They were your family.
You knew them your whole life.
1056
00:50:13,760 --> 00:50:15,178
You were a little kid in the field,
they'd go,
1057
00:50:15,262 --> 00:50:17,639
"See that pony?
That's gonna be your horse one day."
1058
00:50:17,723 --> 00:50:20,183
"Oh!" You'd start to nod at each other
when you'd pass by.
1059
00:50:20,767 --> 00:50:21,810
"Huh."
1060
00:50:21,893 --> 00:50:24,646
Finally, the big day comes,
you drive into town together.
1061
00:50:24,730 --> 00:50:26,732
They're with you for every family event.
1062
00:50:26,815 --> 00:50:29,651
Every function. Take you to work,
take you to your marriage.
1063
00:50:29,735 --> 00:50:32,487
War starts,
they go to the frontlines with you.
1064
00:50:32,571 --> 00:50:34,906
They died with you.
What greater love is there?
1065
00:50:35,657 --> 00:50:37,117
And then, cars got invented,
1066
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:38,660
and we just put 'em out to pasture
1067
00:50:38,744 --> 00:50:40,620
like they never meant nothin' to us.
1068
00:50:41,663 --> 00:50:44,624
They're standing in the field,
we're driving by in a Model T Ford.
1069
00:50:45,250 --> 00:50:47,085
They're like, "I don't believe this, man.
1070
00:50:47,169 --> 00:50:50,046
I saved this son of a bitch's life
at the Battle of San Juan Hill.
1071
00:50:52,924 --> 00:50:55,427
He likes that robot better than me?
They deserve each other.
1072
00:50:55,886 --> 00:50:57,053
He's a robot..."
1073
00:50:57,137 --> 00:50:58,847
They probably sensed, horse sense...
1074
00:50:58,930 --> 00:51:01,558
They sensed we lost our humanity
right then.
1075
00:51:03,351 --> 00:51:05,729
Because the history of humanity
1076
00:51:05,812 --> 00:51:07,939
has been the life of a person.
1077
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:09,983
Early man was like a newborn.
1078
00:51:10,066 --> 00:51:12,486
He could barely stand up, can't talk,
1079
00:51:12,736 --> 00:51:15,697
trying to form words,
surrounded by giant animals.
1080
00:51:16,615 --> 00:51:18,408
Ancient Greece is like
the four-year-old kid,
1081
00:51:18,492 --> 00:51:20,660
just annoying people,
asking questions all day.
1082
00:51:21,453 --> 00:51:24,498
"What's that? Why? Why?
What's that? But why?"
1083
00:51:26,708 --> 00:51:28,335
Roman Empire's like the 13-year-old.
1084
00:51:28,418 --> 00:51:30,462
Walking around cocky, bumping into people,
1085
00:51:30,545 --> 00:51:32,589
snapping each other
with towels in the baths.
1086
00:51:35,509 --> 00:51:37,427
The Dark Ages, you're like the 19-year-old
1087
00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:39,429
when you think the world
revolves around you...
1088
00:51:39,971 --> 00:51:41,515
until Copernicus proves it doesn't.
1089
00:51:41,598 --> 00:51:43,600
It kind of shatters
your whole idea of life.
1090
00:51:44,893 --> 00:51:47,020
The Enlightenment,
when you're in your mid-20s,
1091
00:51:47,103 --> 00:51:48,230
and you kind of feel innocent.
1092
00:51:48,313 --> 00:51:49,731
Like, "We can get along.
1093
00:51:49,815 --> 00:51:52,192
Humanity is good. We can make this work."
1094
00:51:52,275 --> 00:51:54,027
And the Industrial Revolution,
1095
00:51:54,110 --> 00:51:55,695
when you're in your 30s
and you get cynical.
1096
00:51:55,779 --> 00:51:58,573
You're like, "Just give me my paycheck.
I don't care.
1097
00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:01,660
Just doing my job. Every man for himself."
1098
00:52:03,286 --> 00:52:04,538
And now, the digital age.
1099
00:52:04,621 --> 00:52:06,164
We're all like the old person
about to die.
1100
00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:08,166
Everybody's hunched over, medicated.
1101
00:52:09,167 --> 00:52:10,669
Cursing at the news.
1102
00:52:11,878 --> 00:52:14,840
Maybe we already are
out to pasture, you know?
1103
00:52:14,923 --> 00:52:16,800
Spend most of the time in the house, numb,
1104
00:52:16,883 --> 00:52:19,302
waiting for the bell to ring
with an Amazon delivery...
1105
00:52:21,263 --> 00:52:22,305
Jeff Bezos...
1106
00:52:22,389 --> 00:52:25,267
Three years from now, Jeff Bezos
is gonna get on every device in your house
1107
00:52:25,350 --> 00:52:26,518
whether it's on or not.
1108
00:52:27,018 --> 00:52:28,645
And he's just gonna be real,
1109
00:52:28,728 --> 00:52:31,022
and go, "Okay, here's the way it is.
1110
00:52:31,106 --> 00:52:33,191
Nobody leaves your house from now on.
1111
00:52:34,943 --> 00:52:37,821
You want something, tell us what it is
and we'll send it to you.
1112
00:52:39,489 --> 00:52:41,658
We're sending you all
a free pair of pajamas.
1113
00:52:41,741 --> 00:52:44,703
Put the pajamas on, start ordering stuff.
1114
00:52:44,786 --> 00:52:47,789
Outside is over. It's inside from now on."
1115
00:52:49,624 --> 00:52:50,792
Yeah.
1116
00:52:56,089 --> 00:52:57,799
Yeah, he's gonna demolish outsides.
1117
00:52:57,883 --> 00:52:58,925
It'll be gone.
1118
00:52:59,009 --> 00:53:00,844
You'll be like,
"Well, what if I want fresh air?"
1119
00:53:00,927 --> 00:53:02,971
"How many canisters
of fresh air do you need?"
1120
00:53:05,515 --> 00:53:06,516
Yeah.
1121
00:53:11,354 --> 00:53:12,355
Yeah.
1122
00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:14,274
You go outside three years from now,
there'll be nothing.
1123
00:53:14,357 --> 00:53:17,485
Rats, roaches,
and Amazon delivery trucks, that's it.
1124
00:53:19,779 --> 00:53:21,656
So, what do we do?
We continue along this path,
1125
00:53:21,740 --> 00:53:23,783
adding fuel to the fire,
1126
00:53:24,326 --> 00:53:26,620
keep going down this bad road?
1127
00:53:26,995 --> 00:53:28,038
Probably.
1128
00:53:28,121 --> 00:53:30,040
Or, here's a radical idea,
1129
00:53:30,123 --> 00:53:32,083
we start to look at ourselves.
1130
00:53:32,167 --> 00:53:33,877
Take some responsibility.
1131
00:53:34,336 --> 00:53:35,921
See, we have people doing shit for us
1132
00:53:36,004 --> 00:53:38,423
we should be doing ourselves
most of the time anyway.
1133
00:53:38,506 --> 00:53:39,925
Could you hold this for me for a second?
1134
00:53:47,557 --> 00:53:52,312
We look in the mirror
and see ourselves as we really are.
1135
00:53:52,812 --> 00:53:56,441
And realize, most of what everybody
says about each other is true.
1136
00:53:56,733 --> 00:53:58,360
The right can be a little racist,
1137
00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:00,111
and the left can be a little fascist.
1138
00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:02,322
And you can tell the Christians
by their guns,
1139
00:54:02,405 --> 00:54:04,991
and the liberals
by their hatred of free speech.
1140
00:54:05,659 --> 00:54:09,037
Is this what we're supposed to look--
Is this what we really are?
1141
00:54:09,120 --> 00:54:12,832
Let's honestly look at all 50 states
and see what we've become.
1142
00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:14,125
Let's review.
1143
00:54:14,876 --> 00:54:16,544
We'll start with the northeast.
1144
00:54:17,045 --> 00:54:18,546
Start with Massachusetts.
1145
00:54:19,297 --> 00:54:21,633
Once the home of Sam Adams,
1146
00:54:22,092 --> 00:54:24,052
dumping tea into Boston Harbor.
1147
00:54:24,803 --> 00:54:26,888
Now the home of Fenway fans,
1148
00:54:26,972 --> 00:54:29,557
dumping Sam Adams
onto a Yankee outfielder's head.
1149
00:54:32,686 --> 00:54:35,563
New Hampshire
was once the freedom fighters.
1150
00:54:35,647 --> 00:54:37,941
Now it's a liquor store
for Massachusetts.
1151
00:54:40,485 --> 00:54:43,113
From "live free or die"
to "buy one, get one free."
1152
00:54:44,823 --> 00:54:47,075
Vermont was the Green Mountain Boys.
1153
00:54:47,158 --> 00:54:50,078
Now it's stoners that are lucky
we still like Ben & Jerry's.
1154
00:54:51,746 --> 00:54:53,540
Maine hasn't changed.
1155
00:54:53,748 --> 00:54:57,335
Still early risers
that think talking is for queers.
1156
00:55:00,380 --> 00:55:01,589
Rhode Island, the only state
1157
00:55:01,673 --> 00:55:03,633
where the governor
has a baseball bat in the trunk.
1158
00:55:05,593 --> 00:55:08,430
Connecticut used to be the enclave
of high society.
1159
00:55:08,513 --> 00:55:10,473
Now it's just a good place to run fentanyl
1160
00:55:10,557 --> 00:55:12,058
from Montreal to the Midwest.
1161
00:55:14,394 --> 00:55:16,354
Pennsylvania, if you can't
throw a perfect spiral
1162
00:55:16,438 --> 00:55:18,857
by the time you're 12,
they make you put on a dress.
1163
00:55:21,109 --> 00:55:22,944
New York, once immigrants
1164
00:55:23,028 --> 00:55:25,363
waving documents to get into Ellis Island.
1165
00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:27,741
Now it's millennials waving fake IDs
1166
00:55:27,824 --> 00:55:29,075
to get into SantaCon.
1167
00:55:32,245 --> 00:55:34,831
New Jersey, a bad idea that continued.
1168
00:55:43,590 --> 00:55:44,632
Maryland...
1169
00:55:45,050 --> 00:55:47,218
Maryland, you can't steal
everybody else's accent
1170
00:55:47,302 --> 00:55:49,512
and then combine them
and call that your accent.
1171
00:55:53,266 --> 00:55:55,101
Delaware.
[childishly] "We're a state!"
1172
00:55:55,185 --> 00:55:56,394
[cooing] "Yes, you are!"
1173
00:56:02,025 --> 00:56:03,443
Then we go to the South.
1174
00:56:04,736 --> 00:56:06,071
Mississippi.
1175
00:56:06,154 --> 00:56:07,864
It's 90 degrees every day.
1176
00:56:07,947 --> 00:56:09,908
How are you still 300 pounds?
1177
00:56:17,707 --> 00:56:19,375
Alabama, if it wasn't for football,
1178
00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:20,877
nobody would know who you are.
1179
00:56:22,796 --> 00:56:26,424
Louisiana, an open-container law
is not a culture.
1180
00:56:30,345 --> 00:56:31,471
Tennessee,
1181
00:56:31,554 --> 00:56:33,515
every time a country music star
gets her hair done,
1182
00:56:33,598 --> 00:56:35,058
a polar bear's house melts.
1183
00:56:38,478 --> 00:56:41,064
Kentucky, no matter what you accomplish,
1184
00:56:41,147 --> 00:56:42,440
when anyone says "hillbilly,"
1185
00:56:42,524 --> 00:56:43,942
we're all gonna think of you anyway.
1186
00:56:46,027 --> 00:56:48,321
Missouri, the "Show Me" state.
1187
00:56:48,404 --> 00:56:50,657
You can't call yourselves that
1188
00:56:50,740 --> 00:56:52,575
and then have nothing to show us.
1189
00:56:58,790 --> 00:57:01,042
Arkansas... Let me ask you
a question, Arkansas.
1190
00:57:01,126 --> 00:57:03,878
What would you do if Walmart
didn't have their headquarters there?
1191
00:57:04,546 --> 00:57:05,797
You'd be back to your old job
1192
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:08,216
of throwing pocketknives
at each other's feet all day.
1193
00:57:13,054 --> 00:57:16,182
Oklahoma, lose the rodeo.
You're embarrassing yourselves.
1194
00:57:17,934 --> 00:57:20,687
Texas, at this point
you're just cowboy cosplay.
1195
00:57:23,064 --> 00:57:25,275
You're as authentic as a mechanical bull.
1196
00:57:27,318 --> 00:57:28,695
You got the west.
1197
00:57:29,737 --> 00:57:32,615
Arizona, all sand and no beach.
1198
00:57:32,866 --> 00:57:34,534
That's a... That's a litter box.
1199
00:57:41,291 --> 00:57:43,293
New Mexico, ugly Arizona.
1200
00:57:45,837 --> 00:57:47,297
California, we felt sympathy
1201
00:57:47,380 --> 00:57:49,257
the first seven times you caught on fire.
1202
00:57:49,340 --> 00:57:50,925
Now, it's starting to be your fault.
1203
00:57:56,473 --> 00:57:58,808
Nevada, the honest state.
1204
00:57:58,892 --> 00:58:00,185
They legalized prostitution. They're like,
1205
00:58:00,268 --> 00:58:01,895
"We know we have no natural resources,
1206
00:58:01,978 --> 00:58:03,563
but, hey, we'll blow you."
1207
00:58:08,568 --> 00:58:11,154
Colorado, you're rich, you're beautiful,
1208
00:58:11,237 --> 00:58:12,864
and you pretend to be down to earth.
1209
00:58:12,947 --> 00:58:15,867
Don't we already have a Gwyneth Paltrow
somewhere around here?
1210
00:58:17,702 --> 00:58:18,870
Utah...
1211
00:58:18,953 --> 00:58:21,247
Congratulations, Mormons.
You've done the impossible.
1212
00:58:21,581 --> 00:58:24,792
You are both exotic
and uncompelling at the same time.
1213
00:58:26,628 --> 00:58:28,338
Idaho, how are potatoes
1214
00:58:28,421 --> 00:58:30,173
still your most fascinating quality?
1215
00:58:31,758 --> 00:58:34,052
Surrounded by steak
and you're a side dish.
1216
00:58:36,554 --> 00:58:37,764
Wyoming,
1217
00:58:37,847 --> 00:58:39,641
you peaked in 1870.
1218
00:58:41,267 --> 00:58:42,268
I don't know. We'll call you
1219
00:58:42,352 --> 00:58:44,604
if there's a Comanche raid
on the fort, I guess.
1220
00:58:46,940 --> 00:58:48,358
You got the northwest.
1221
00:58:49,067 --> 00:58:50,109
Oregon...
1222
00:58:51,528 --> 00:58:53,738
On either side of them,
the age of computers
1223
00:58:53,821 --> 00:58:55,949
started on their front and back doorstep,
1224
00:58:56,032 --> 00:58:58,284
and they said,
"Let's open a sneaker store."
1225
00:59:03,414 --> 00:59:05,166
Washington, lose the attitude.
1226
00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:07,710
You're not the independent
bookstore of states, okay.
1227
00:59:07,794 --> 00:59:10,213
You sent us serial killers, Starbucks,
1228
00:59:10,296 --> 00:59:11,381
and hipsters.
1229
00:59:11,464 --> 00:59:12,715
What are you gonna do for an encore,
1230
00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:14,259
put Hep C in your apples?
1231
00:59:17,512 --> 00:59:19,597
Montana, Big Sky Country.
1232
00:59:19,681 --> 00:59:20,932
I got bad news for you.
1233
00:59:21,015 --> 00:59:23,309
Everybody has a sky. It's not really...
1234
00:59:29,357 --> 00:59:32,610
North Dakota, the country's
creepy old uncle in the attic.
1235
00:59:35,446 --> 00:59:37,490
South Dakota, you seem stuck.
1236
00:59:38,116 --> 00:59:40,827
I don't know, maybe build a city.
Just throwing ideas out here.
1237
00:59:44,330 --> 00:59:45,415
Wisconsin,
1238
00:59:45,498 --> 00:59:46,624
you're fat.
1239
00:59:50,962 --> 00:59:53,423
Minnesota, the blond leading the bland.
1240
00:59:55,508 --> 00:59:57,844
Michigan, no matter
how many times you ask,
1241
00:59:57,927 --> 01:00:00,471
nobody's coming back to Detroit. Drop it.
1242
01:00:04,684 --> 01:00:06,102
You have the heartlands.
1243
01:00:07,020 --> 01:00:07,979
Iowa,
1244
01:00:08,062 --> 01:00:11,149
the only state that needs
a Me Too movement for the cattle.
1245
01:00:15,403 --> 01:00:16,654
Nebraska,
1246
01:00:16,821 --> 01:00:18,197
if the Midwest was a romcom,
1247
01:00:18,281 --> 01:00:20,033
they'd be the unmarried best friend.
1248
01:00:22,744 --> 01:00:24,579
Kansas, there's no place like home.
1249
01:00:25,288 --> 01:00:27,332
Unless your home is Kansas,
then there's no place...
1250
01:00:28,583 --> 01:00:30,335
No place like everyplace else.
1251
01:00:31,461 --> 01:00:33,880
Indiana, whoever said blonds have more fun
1252
01:00:33,963 --> 01:00:35,298
must've never been to Indiana.
1253
01:00:36,299 --> 01:00:38,676
Why do all the point guards
look like Anne Heche?
1254
01:00:41,471 --> 01:00:42,764
Illinois...
1255
01:00:42,847 --> 01:00:44,682
"We're more than just Chicago."
1256
01:00:44,766 --> 01:00:46,017
Are you, though?
1257
01:00:49,771 --> 01:00:51,981
Ohio, the good middle child
of the country.
1258
01:00:52,065 --> 01:00:54,359
Reliable, responsible, relatable...
1259
01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:55,693
Replaceable.
1260
01:00:57,987 --> 01:00:59,447
You got the southeast.
1261
01:01:00,823 --> 01:01:03,326
Virginia, the snobs of the South.
1262
01:01:03,409 --> 01:01:05,703
Stop trying to be Connecticut,
you hayseed.
1263
01:01:08,623 --> 01:01:09,624
West Virginia.
1264
01:01:09,707 --> 01:01:11,334
Still riding them back roads,
1265
01:01:11,417 --> 01:01:14,045
making moonshine,
running from Johnny Law, huh?
1266
01:01:14,545 --> 01:01:18,257
The manufacture of alcohol
has been legal since 1931.
1267
01:01:19,342 --> 01:01:20,968
Why do you keep doing this?
1268
01:01:24,806 --> 01:01:27,350
The Carolinas, I call them
"the Carolinas" together
1269
01:01:27,433 --> 01:01:29,936
'cause you know how much
that pisses off North Carolina?
1270
01:01:30,978 --> 01:01:31,938
Just...
1271
01:01:33,940 --> 01:01:36,025
They think they're better
than their brother.
1272
01:01:36,109 --> 01:01:38,319
They're like the Nick Jonas
of the Carolinas.
1273
01:01:41,406 --> 01:01:42,532
Georgia,
1274
01:01:42,615 --> 01:01:44,117
they shoot The Walking Dead there
1275
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:46,786
and they don't use sets.
What does that tell you about yourself?
1276
01:01:52,959 --> 01:01:54,210
And then Florida.
1277
01:01:55,420 --> 01:01:56,504
Florida, you...
1278
01:01:57,296 --> 01:01:59,090
Florida, you bum.
1279
01:02:02,260 --> 01:02:03,928
You were...
1280
01:02:04,595 --> 01:02:07,432
You were supposed to be
the crown jewel of the east.
1281
01:02:07,890 --> 01:02:10,101
And you're hanging around
7-Eleven parking lots,
1282
01:02:10,184 --> 01:02:12,103
sucking lithium out of car batteries.
1283
01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:17,108
Let's not forget our stepchildren.
1284
01:02:22,113 --> 01:02:23,197
Hawaii,
1285
01:02:23,281 --> 01:02:25,241
you're beautiful, but you're distant.
1286
01:02:26,451 --> 01:02:28,202
That's why nobody ever wants to spend
more than four days
1287
01:02:28,286 --> 01:02:29,662
lying down on top of you.
1288
01:02:33,040 --> 01:02:34,208
And Alaska...
1289
01:02:34,667 --> 01:02:36,252
We left you alone too long
when you were young,
1290
01:02:36,335 --> 01:02:37,545
now you're a bit odd.
1291
01:02:40,423 --> 01:02:43,092
That's all 50 states right there. Right?
1292
01:02:43,176 --> 01:02:44,427
-Thank you.
-[cheering and whooping]
1293
01:02:44,510 --> 01:02:45,928
Thanks.
1294
01:02:47,680 --> 01:02:48,765
Thank you.
1295
01:02:52,518 --> 01:02:53,519
Thank you.
1296
01:02:55,062 --> 01:02:57,315
And nobody's happy.
1297
01:02:57,607 --> 01:03:00,318
I mean, we're supposed to be
the happy country,
1298
01:03:00,401 --> 01:03:02,153
and nobody is happy.
1299
01:03:02,361 --> 01:03:05,198
Why? 'Cause we take everything too far.
1300
01:03:05,281 --> 01:03:06,324
The extremes.
1301
01:03:06,407 --> 01:03:08,159
Republicans get too greedy.
1302
01:03:08,242 --> 01:03:09,786
Democrats get too needy.
1303
01:03:10,119 --> 01:03:12,288
The right wants to go back to the 1950s.
1304
01:03:12,371 --> 01:03:15,166
The left reacts to everything
like it is the 1950s.
1305
01:03:15,833 --> 01:03:16,959
So, what are we gonna do?
1306
01:03:17,043 --> 01:03:19,170
We're either gonna... Bloody civil war?
1307
01:03:19,253 --> 01:03:20,254
Could happen.
1308
01:03:20,338 --> 01:03:21,422
We break up.
1309
01:03:21,506 --> 01:03:22,715
Or we could all just leave.
1310
01:03:22,799 --> 01:03:25,426
If no one's happy,
no one's keeping us here.
1311
01:03:25,510 --> 01:03:27,220
Everybody go back where you came from.
1312
01:03:27,303 --> 01:03:28,429
Go back to Ireland.
1313
01:03:28,513 --> 01:03:30,890
You go back to wherever
your family's from, right?
1314
01:03:30,973 --> 01:03:32,725
That's what people do
when they get divorced.
1315
01:03:32,809 --> 01:03:34,393
Go back to their parents' house
and live there.
1316
01:03:36,312 --> 01:03:38,481
Sleep on the couch, eat ice cream, cry.
1317
01:03:40,358 --> 01:03:42,568
We just leave. But we leave,
1318
01:03:42,652 --> 01:03:45,738
no drama, no fighting, just quietly.
1319
01:03:45,822 --> 01:03:46,948
Just tiptoe out.
1320
01:03:47,031 --> 01:03:49,575
Like the last scene
in the movie The Birds.
1321
01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:50,701
Just leave...
1322
01:03:50,785 --> 01:03:53,538
The movie The Birds, I love that movie.
It reminds me of this country.
1323
01:03:53,621 --> 01:03:55,456
'Cause it's noisy, screaming.
1324
01:03:55,540 --> 01:03:58,543
Birds tweeting, chirping. People yelling.
1325
01:03:58,626 --> 01:04:00,962
Little kids' birthday parties,
chocolate all over their face.
1326
01:04:01,045 --> 01:04:03,548
And then the last ten minutes,
just silence.
1327
01:04:03,965 --> 01:04:07,218
Nobody says a word.
Nobody utters a sound. That's what we do.
1328
01:04:07,301 --> 01:04:08,886
Empty this country out.
1329
01:04:08,970 --> 01:04:09,971
Just leave.
1330
01:04:10,054 --> 01:04:11,931
No one will be left here...
1331
01:04:12,014 --> 01:04:15,685
except whatever Native American
tribes are still here.
1332
01:04:15,768 --> 01:04:18,104
Because this is their parents' house.
Where are they gonna go?
1333
01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:22,567
And they'll be standing there,
watching for a while.
1334
01:04:23,109 --> 01:04:25,319
Maybe a McDonald's bag will float by.
1335
01:04:26,946 --> 01:04:28,781
Finally one will turn to another and go,
1336
01:04:29,407 --> 01:04:30,783
"Was that the peyote?
1337
01:04:32,952 --> 01:04:35,246
Or was that just a really weird
1338
01:04:35,329 --> 01:04:37,707
400-year dream I had, called...
1339
01:04:37,999 --> 01:04:39,125
America?"
1340
01:04:40,293 --> 01:04:42,044
-[audience cheering and clapping]
-["Love is Lost" playing]
1341
01:04:53,848 --> 01:04:55,266
♪ It's the darkest hour ♪
1342
01:04:56,726 --> 01:04:58,352
[loud cheering]
1343
01:04:59,186 --> 01:05:00,563
♪ The voice of youth ♪
1344
01:05:01,355 --> 01:05:02,899
♪ The hour of dread ♪
1345
01:05:04,150 --> 01:05:05,693
♪ The darkest hour ♪
1346
01:05:05,776 --> 01:05:07,862
♪ And your voice is new ♪
1347
01:05:08,779 --> 01:05:10,281
♪ Love is lost ♪
1348
01:05:10,656 --> 01:05:12,116
♪ Lost is love ♪
1349
01:05:12,199 --> 01:05:13,242
Thank you.
1350
01:05:13,326 --> 01:05:14,660
[cheering continues]