1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:51,317 (LAUGHING) 4 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:58,191 This is going to be so good. Come on. Get a grip, get a grip. 5 00:00:58,292 --> 00:00:59,926 (LAUGHING) 6 00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:12,138 It's got to be in the middle, the middle, you metal moron. 7 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:15,875 Look, this is my vending machine maintenance man of the month certificate 8 00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:19,011 we are reframing here, my one and only Mr April. 9 00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:21,047 There's no room for sloppiness. 10 00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:24,517 And you can take that look off your face for a start. 11 00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,320 (ROBOTJERKING) 12 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,093 -Where's Kryten? I need him. -He's on holiday. 13 00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:35,862 -Holiday? -Week off, no duties. 14 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,029 Thought he needed it. 15 00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:39,332 Lister, Kryten is a mechanoid, a machine. 16 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,501 Machines don't go on holiday. 17 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,170 Who's next? The egg whisk? Two weeks in Mauritius? 18 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:47,540 Booked him and your electric toothbrush a double room, have you? 19 00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,642 -He was tired. -Tired? 20 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:52,078 What was it? Metal fatigue? 21 00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,114 (SCOFFS) Where's he gone? 22 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,183 Broom cupboard on V deck. 23 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:58,451 Really nice shelf. 24 00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:01,854 V deck? Why not B deck or C deck, somewhere close? 25 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:05,158 He wanted to travel. Didn't you read his postcard? 26 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:09,295 He's loving it. Unscrewed his head. 27 00:02:09,396 --> 00:02:11,998 Eyes bobbing about in a bowl of lens cleaner. 28 00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:14,534 He's having the time of his life. 29 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:22,809 Tomatoes? 30 00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:27,446 Supply decks. 200 floors. It took me ages to get these. 31 00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:31,017 I smegging hate tomatoes, taste, texture. 32 00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:38,457 Don't know why I put meself through it. 33 00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:42,762 Lister, why do you eat tomatoes when you don't like them? 34 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:46,232 -There's plenty of other things to eat. -It's got to be tomatoes, man. 35 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,401 Only thing I'm allergic to. 36 00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,838 Why do you want to eat something you're allergic to? 37 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,940 According to the read-outs, we're down to our last water tank. 38 00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:56,509 Only G deck left. I'm saving water. 39 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:58,411 Lister, have you ever been down to G deck? 40 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,980 Seen the water tank? There's loads of water left. 41 00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:04,717 So how come only a trickle's coming out of the taps then? 42 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:08,855 Uh, how does eating tomatoes save water? 43 00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:11,157 It's coming. 44 00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:15,795 (SIGHS) 45 00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:20,633 Don't suppose you want any ironing doing, do you? 46 00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:22,335 I get it. 47 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:25,938 I love it when it makes that squish sound, don't you? 48 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,708 You've spent hours planning this, haven't you? 49 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:33,379 Hours. Going down to the supply decks, trawling through the crates, 50 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,515 getting half hysterical at the thought of my face as you start to 51 00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,284 52 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,486 Was it really worth it, Listy? 53 00:03:40,587 --> 00:03:45,558 Hours and hours and hours of planning for eight seconds of pleasure? 54 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,861 Sounds like the last time you had sex. 55 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:52,698 Lister, you need to get a life. 56 00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:05,778 ROBOT: Level. 57 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:13,886 Level. 58 00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:15,855 LISTER: Close. 59 00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,330 Not level. 60 00:05:06,606 --> 00:05:09,108 I thought I'd read you another book. 61 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:12,645 It's one of those stupid ones you used to really like. 62 00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,548 Jane Oostin? 63 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:17,483 Austin? 64 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,185 Orsdon? 65 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,722 I'm not quite sure how you pronounce it. 66 00:05:23,623 --> 00:05:25,458 Sense and Sensibility. 67 00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:30,730 Pray God there's some car chases in this one. 68 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:38,704 "The family of Dashwood had long been settled in Sussex." 69 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:50,616 Ow! 70 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,553 What happened to you? 71 00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:56,288 You got a minute? 72 00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:58,357 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 73 00:05:58,625 --> 00:05:59,859 LISTER: Tell him. 74 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:04,363 I'm walking through the cargo deck, right, minding my own damn business 75 00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:07,466 when all of a sudden... You know that big tank on G deck? 76 00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:09,135 He means the water tank. 77 00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:12,571 Suddenly there's a disturbance on the surface of the tank and... 78 00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,740 (GURGLING) 79 00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:17,376 (IMITATING SPLASH) 80 00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:21,614 This massive testicle shoots up out of the water and grabs me by the throat. 81 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,016 -He means "tentacle". -I hope so. 82 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:29,622 Before I know it, I'm flying through the air being waved about from side to side. 83 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:32,825 Next thing I know, it pulls me down into the icy waters 84 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,193 and I'm shouting and screaming 85 00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,229 because everything I'm wearing is dry clean only. 86 00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,965 Suddenly, I'm staring at this big eye. 87 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,234 It's about this big. 88 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,603 No, this big. 89 00:06:45,505 --> 00:06:48,274 No, this big. Man, it was just... 90 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,276 -Big? -Exactly. 91 00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:53,412 And then the beast, because that's what it is, 92 00:06:53,513 --> 00:06:57,049 opens its mouth and I realised that's where I'm heading. 93 00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,919 So I combed my hair and fainted. 94 00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:04,590 Came to, I'm on the floor by the side of the tank, no sign of the creature. 95 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,292 Oh! 96 00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:09,061 -I need counselling. -You've got that right. 97 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,863 So where did it go? 98 00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,933 (PANTING) It didn't say and it didn't leave a note. 99 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:17,002 -This is so weird. -It's not that weird. 100 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,637 Probably can't even write. 101 00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:21,240 How'd it even hold a pen with its big testicle? 102 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,409 It's slithered back into the water tank, hasn't it? 103 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:27,446 But a sea monster? In the water tank? That's not right. 104 00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:29,281 We're in deep space. 105 00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:33,686 # Holiday, celebrate, holiday # 106 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:37,556 Hey! Surf boy is back from Broomtown. 107 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,625 What a vacation, sirs. 108 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:43,662 I can't remember the last time I was so relaxed and utterly carefree. 109 00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:45,731 There's a big monster in the water tank. 110 00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:46,999 Oh, my gosh! 111 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,168 -That's why we're down on water. -We're down on water? 112 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,570 Yeah, and without water, me and the Cat are going to die. 113 00:07:51,671 --> 00:07:55,641 -Yeah. -It's a disaster! Oh, my back! 114 00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:59,578 I'm one giant tension knot. Someone pummel my diodes. 115 00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:02,014 Hey, this thing, whatever it is, 116 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,984 it's messing with the supply thingy pipe stuff thing, isn't it? 117 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,586 Please, we're laymen. Spare us the plumbing jargon. 118 00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:10,322 The point is, we've got to get in there and whack it. 119 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:13,526 -We've got to fritter the critter. -Kill it? No way! 120 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:17,997 We should capture this sucker, force it to pay my dry-cleaning bills. 121 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,498 The point is, how do we kill it? 122 00:08:19,599 --> 00:08:22,501 I mean we can't suck it out of an air lock. We'll lose the water. 123 00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:26,338 We can't mickey the water. We'd pollute the drinking supply. 124 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,776 No choice. We're going to have to go in, get it. 125 00:08:30,877 --> 00:08:33,379 -Serious? -We're going to need a diving bell, 126 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,081 the kind with grade-one reinforced titanium ribs. 127 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:39,018 We're going to need diving suits, bazookoids, mini-grenades, 128 00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:42,922 laser-lancer, blasters. And we're going to need something good 129 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,757 for me to read while you're all down there. 130 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:48,160 -Classic CarMonthlyor something. -Are you not coming down with us? 131 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:53,098 In spirit, I'll be down there with you. In actuality, I'll be reading a car mag. 132 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:57,403 Well, I'd better start packing then. Oh, I already am packed! 133 00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:04,210 Don't look at me, I ain't going. I'm still in trauma. Look at my suit. 134 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:05,878 It may not pull through. 135 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:09,682 -Find another suit. You're going. -Hey, I'm a cat. 136 00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:12,518 Nobody bosses Mr C around, buddy. 137 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,720 How would you like it 138 00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:20,659 if I flushed the entire ship's supply of tuna out of an airlock? 139 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:25,965 When we leaving? You packed? Come on, let me help you, man. 140 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,000 Come on, get going. We go in two minutes. 141 00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:30,336 Two minutes? Two minutes? 142 00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:33,305 I need to make myself look sensational. 143 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:37,276 Make it three. And don't wear nothing lilac or we'll clash! 144 00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:38,744 Yeah, yeah, yeah! 145 00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:39,812 (EXCLAIMS) 146 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,157 We're hitting the water, Rimmer. 147 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:54,059 What? Oh, yeah. 148 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,662 (WHOOSHING) 149 00:09:57,831 --> 00:09:59,598 -Hey, there's something out there. -Where? 150 00:09:59,699 --> 00:10:01,000 I saw something moving. 151 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,369 My bowels, if you keep shouting like that. 152 00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:04,637 (LISTER SIGHS) 153 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,538 It's gone. It's gone. 154 00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:11,110 Rimmer, check the sonar. 155 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:14,380 Did you know that of all the Jensen Interceptors ever built, 156 00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:16,915 only 23 had the manual four-speed box? 157 00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:19,318 -It's amazing. -Rimmer, the sonar! 158 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:20,886 Check it, you smegger! 159 00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:22,655 Is there anything down here with us? 160 00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:25,691 What? No. It's all clear, it's fine, good. 161 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,559 Get this, listen. 162 00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:30,829 "The four-wheel drive, the FF, identified by a measly 163 00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:33,165 "four-inch stretch in the wheelbase..." 164 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:36,869 I saw something! I saw something. I definitely saw something. 165 00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:38,337 (BEEPING) 166 00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:47,212 Er, chaps, bit of an update. 167 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:51,417 There appears to be something bigger than God heading straight for you. 168 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,352 -What is it? -How do I know? 169 00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:56,088 It's not like a commercial airliner with writing down the side. 170 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,390 Well, do something. Get us out of here. 171 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:02,094 -Can't. Too scared. -You're scared? 172 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,496 But you're not even down here. You're safe. 173 00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:08,801 Safe? I'm not safe from having to sit here and watch my sonar screen 174 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:10,969 get covered in your gloopy insides, am I? 175 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:14,039 I'm not safe from seeing those terrible pictures in my head 176 00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:17,476 of you being eaten alive and never being able to get rid of them. 177 00:11:17,744 --> 00:11:21,080 You just think about you, don't you? It's always you with you, isn't it? 178 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:24,983 Sir, I've changed my eyeballs three times and I can't see anything. 179 00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:27,486 Are you sure you're not mistaken? 180 00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:31,590 Gone. 181 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,593 It must have been a speck on the sonar. 182 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,428 Relax. As you were. 183 00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:39,698 (SWITCHING EASY LISTENING MUSIC ON) 184 00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:49,041 Oh, my God. 185 00:11:54,013 --> 00:11:55,848 (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) 186 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,919 (THUDDING) 187 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:04,356 -What was that? -It's gone! 188 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:05,924 No, sir. 189 00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:08,327 It's underneath us. 190 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:11,764 If we're really quiet, it might think we're a rock. 191 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:15,467 (WHISPERING) Rimmer, 192 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,369 pull us up, 193 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:21,006 slowly and quietly. 194 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,009 (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) 195 00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:31,049 Rimmer, are you reading me? 196 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:37,956 (WHISPERING) Sir, can you hear us? 197 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,426 KRYTEN: Wait, what's that? 198 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,228 I can't see anything! 199 00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:47,766 (GROANING) 200 00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:54,173 Will you keep the noise down back there? Can't you see I'm looking for squid? 201 00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:55,841 (CRASHING) 202 00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,612 I still can't see it. 203 00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:06,919 (BULLET RICOCHETING) 204 00:13:09,856 --> 00:13:13,392 Sir, may I make one tiny suggestion? 205 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,629 Releasing a firearm in a confined titanium steel box 206 00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,466 may not be a good mix with human tissue. 207 00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:27,372 (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) 208 00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:36,815 Oh, my God! 209 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,617 (MUSIC STOPS) 210 00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:43,288 Hang on, I'm getting you out of there. Rimmer to the rescue, as per usual. 211 00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:46,725 What would these clowns do without me, eh? 212 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,126 Anyone else would probably get a medal for this, 213 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:51,129 the Eagle of Valour, the Space Knight's Cross of Honour. 214 00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,765 I bet I don't even get a book token. 215 00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:09,114 Two suits in one day, look at me! 216 00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:12,784 Thanks to you, I couldn't even get on the cover of Minger Monthly! 217 00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,988 You're supposed to be manning the sonar, Rimmer. 218 00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:20,926 -You could have got us all killed! -Is this about you again? 219 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:24,730 It is, isn't it? Can't you see, right now I need some me time? 220 00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,164 My heart is still hammering. 221 00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:29,668 -I don't know how I got through that. -You wasn't even there! 222 00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,470 I was nearly there. 223 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,640 That's close enough for me. 224 00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:39,044 CAT: What the hell was that thing? 225 00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:42,281 It was some kind of dimension-migrating leviathan 226 00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,683 looking for somewhere quiet to hibernate. 227 00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:46,752 Where better than the middle of deep space 228 00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:50,055 in a universe where the human race is virtually extinct? 229 00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:51,690 It's extraordinary. 230 00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:53,091 (THUDDING) 231 00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:56,995 -It's gone! -LISTER: Where? 232 00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:59,464 I don't know. Probably to another dimension to lick its... 233 00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,066 Wait! Incoming! 234 00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:03,168 KRYTEN: What's this? 235 00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:06,972 Hmm. 236 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,308 (IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) I bid greetings. 237 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,710 My name is Katerina Bartikovsky. 238 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,112 In past, I Red Dwarf's science officer. 239 00:15:14,213 --> 00:15:15,414 Zdravstvuyte! 240 00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,849 From now, I am senior officer. 241 00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:21,153 No longer hologram Arnold Rimmer who is bit crap. 242 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,188 What? 243 00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,525 KRYTEN: Look, sir. Confirmed. 244 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,428 Adjustment on command structure essential 245 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:32,664 if one day Lister to regenerate human race, huh? 246 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,000 Result! You beauty! 247 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:44,843 Why does mainframe computer not function? 248 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,846 Lister left a bath running in the officers' quarters. 249 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,549 We didn't find out about it for nearly nine years. 250 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,185 Then one night, it was a Tuesday, 251 00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:56,288 the floor gave way and nearly two million gallons of water 252 00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,857 fell through the ship. Not a nice way to be woken. 253 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,826 One minute you're lying in your bed snoozing, 254 00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:03,895 the next you're being washed down a corridor at 80 knots per hour. 255 00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:06,064 The skutters still haven't finished drying him out. 256 00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:10,068 Have skutters more pressing duties? 257 00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:13,005 Duties that distract them from these tasks? 258 00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:14,873 -Is this you? -No. 259 00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,742 (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) 260 00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:17,976 The place is mess. 261 00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:20,545 -What has mech been doing? -Kryten? 262 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:24,149 Holiday. Nice shelf on V deck. My idea. Needed break. 263 00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:27,052 Mechs don't go on holiday. 264 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,621 -They are machines. -That's what I said. 265 00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:33,825 You were senior officer. It was duty to ensure efficiency of ship. 266 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,396 How come there are two holograms active, both hard light? 267 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,197 I thought the ship could only sustain one. 268 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:43,402 -How does Lister pass time? -Sleeps, annoys me. 269 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,003 Look, if there's one... 270 00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:48,740 Besides sleeping and annoying you, what else he do? 271 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,310 -Gets ready for bed. -And for entertainment? 272 00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:54,646 He irons sneezes. 273 00:16:55,081 --> 00:16:59,484 In fact, if he was an art student, he'd probably be considered a genius. 274 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:03,755 Is tragedy. His body lives, but inside he is dead. 275 00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:08,927 -This is your fault. You killed him. -What did I do? 276 00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,263 You responsible for his life but you do nothing. 277 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,465 You think only of you. 278 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,302 Um... I don't know whether you happened to notice, but we are in deep space, 279 00:17:17,403 --> 00:17:19,838 where there isn't a whole hell of a lot to do. 280 00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,507 There are only so many times you can play "what's in the bag". 281 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:23,608 (SNIFFING) 282 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,944 Fish paste? Lister's trainers? 283 00:17:27,146 --> 00:17:30,282 In my country, we have word for people like you. 284 00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:32,951 In my country, we have several. 285 00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,054 Hey. I've found one. 286 00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:39,291 Mr Lister, please prepare. 287 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:43,829 You are to be returning home, so we have possibility to make this happen. 288 00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:48,233 -Are you serious? -Of course. I always serious. 289 00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:50,135 -Mr Rimmer? -Yes. 290 00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,637 You have 24 hours to get your affairs in order, 291 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:55,440 then you'll be offlined and your data files erased. 292 00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:57,776 Then your hard drive will be fired into space 293 00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:02,314 and when safe distance from ship, it will be detonated by nuclear fusion. 294 00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:05,383 -You really don't like me, do you? -I do my job. 295 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,052 And my job is look after him. 296 00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:10,522 Which, sadly, is very ungroovy news for you, you see? 297 00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:11,857 Dobro vece. 298 00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:20,899 I hate her. 299 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,069 I like her. I like her a lot! 300 00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:31,009 She's given me 24 hours to get my affairs in order 301 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:35,046 before I'm offlined and trashed. She's treating me like a computer virus. 302 00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:39,351 Oh, she's so bright and perceptive, sir. Such a breath of fresh air. 303 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:41,486 We all have our Achilles' heel. 304 00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:44,289 Find hers. Start trawling the data, Krytie. 305 00:18:44,390 --> 00:18:47,726 Get me some dirt on her. You know what I'm talking about, kid? 306 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,494 Ah! Ms Bartikovsky! 307 00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:52,964 Yes, Ms smegging Bartikovsky. Get me some dirt on her. 308 00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:57,836 -Uh, I trust you slept well, Ms... -Not particularly, Ms... 309 00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:00,005 I love it when your voice unit acts up like that. 310 00:19:00,106 --> 00:19:01,239 (IMITATING BUZZING) 311 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,741 Right, back to the dirt thing... 312 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:06,011 Your breasts look particularly good today, Ms. 313 00:19:06,612 --> 00:19:09,281 (STAMMERING) My what? My breast... What are you? 314 00:19:10,716 --> 00:19:12,517 Good morning, Ms... Miss! 315 00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:14,753 You, follow me. 316 00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:20,458 On my way to Dirtville, sir. I'll catch you later. 317 00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:23,528 Engage innocent whistle mode. 318 00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:25,030 (WHISTLING) 319 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:28,133 So, as spoken, I bring Lister back to life, 320 00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:31,169 restore drive so can restart human race, yes? 321 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:35,340 And how, pray tell, do you plan to do that? 322 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:40,278 -Isn't obvious? -You start, I’ll join in. 323 00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:44,149 Well, the solution is staring you in your stupid, fat, ferrety face. 324 00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:46,651 We have tentacle of dimension-migrating leviathan. 325 00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:50,388 We take, insert into a gene reader, you have several in Medi Lab 326 00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:52,757 and triangulate results with power surge readings 327 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,961 and temporal displacement residues recorded in water tank. 328 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,363 We then calculate quantum algorithm creature produced 329 00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:01,132 to open dimensional membrane, then we travel multiverse. 330 00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,802 Once computed, we have key to dimensional travel, 331 00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,770 transpose calibrations into mining laser 332 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:09,074 and, bingo jingo, we have our very own dimension cutter. 333 00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:11,243 That is exactly what I was going to say. 334 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:14,646 -That's so spooky. -So Lister will travel to new dimension, 335 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:17,415 bring back mate and recreate human race, yes? 336 00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:19,718 Word for word what I was gonna say. 337 00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:20,852 Hmm. 338 00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,235 No way will this work. 339 00:21:10,336 --> 00:21:13,772 I'll probably end up with your head or someone else's legs. 340 00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:17,509 Something always goes wrong. I'm not building me hopes up. 341 00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:19,878 And we begin. 342 00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:27,185 -Have you found any dirt on her yet? -Her character is flawless, sir. 343 00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:28,253 Damn. 344 00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,855 And if her character is flawless, that means... 345 00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:32,157 I know. 346 00:21:32,525 --> 00:21:34,492 I'll have to frame her... 347 00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:35,560 Is working. 348 00:21:35,661 --> 00:21:37,862 Now, if calculations correct 349 00:21:37,964 --> 00:21:39,564 portal should 350 00:21:43,703 --> 00:21:45,103 open now. 351 00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:54,145 It's working! 352 00:21:59,952 --> 00:22:01,252 (BEEPING) 353 00:22:01,354 --> 00:22:03,254 Something is not right. 354 00:22:05,358 --> 00:22:07,392 Saying we don't exist. 355 00:22:08,194 --> 00:22:10,195 How can this be possible? 356 00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:12,464 (BEEPING) 357 00:22:12,631 --> 00:22:15,667 Taking us to nearest valid reality. 358 00:22:16,235 --> 00:22:17,435 Make no sense. 359 00:22:17,737 --> 00:22:20,905 -What size is this? -This baby's 50 inches 360 00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:23,742 of full, crotch-throbbing pixel power. 361 00:22:23,943 --> 00:22:25,343 I like it. 362 00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:28,880 Too big. It's only for the bedroom. 363 00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:36,788 What about this one? 364 00:22:36,889 --> 00:22:39,157 CAT ON TV: I can't hold on much longer! 365 00:22:40,026 --> 00:22:42,227 KATERINA: Yes, something is very wrong. 366 00:22:42,328 --> 00:22:45,130 -Send Rimmer through for see if safe. -What? 367 00:22:46,098 --> 00:22:47,232 Wait! 368 00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:56,508 (ELECTRONIC HUMMING) 369 00:22:58,911 --> 00:23:00,311 What was that? 370 00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:01,379 (CRASH) 371 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,082 -Did you hear something smash? -On TV? 372 00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:16,628 I can't hold on much longer. 373 00:23:19,198 --> 00:23:21,232 MAN: Well, is it HD-ready? 374 00:23:21,367 --> 00:23:23,101 It's a version of HD-ready, yeah. 375 00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:25,303 (SCREAMING) 376 00:23:56,769 --> 00:24:00,872 (EXCLAIMS) 377 00:24:03,476 --> 00:24:04,809 Where are we, Kryten? 378 00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:08,213 Well, according to the Psi scan, sir, we're in a department store in London 379 00:24:08,314 --> 00:24:10,448 in the early part of the 21st Century. 380 00:24:10,549 --> 00:24:12,550 The early part of the... 381 00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:15,820 Isn't when all the banks went belly-up and money became useless? 382 00:24:17,089 --> 00:24:19,324 I read about that in history. 383 00:24:19,758 --> 00:24:21,159 What a sound system, eh? 384 00:24:21,660 --> 00:24:23,962 Sounds like you're in the room with them. 385 00:24:26,265 --> 00:24:28,366 (CHUCKLING) Huh. Red Dwarf. 386 00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:29,467 There's a new series. 387 00:24:30,402 --> 00:24:32,770 I don't really follow it myself. 388 00:24:32,905 --> 00:24:35,874 Science fiction. It's all a bit bollocks, really, isn't it? 389 00:24:36,342 --> 00:24:38,209 That Psi scan thing. 390 00:24:38,611 --> 00:24:39,611 Knows everything, doesn't it? 391 00:24:40,346 --> 00:24:43,515 Any bit of exposition, just ask the Psi scan. 392 00:24:44,383 --> 00:24:47,685 How can it know everything? Talk about rubbish! 393 00:24:48,621 --> 00:24:49,621 Who's he, Kryten? 394 00:24:49,755 --> 00:24:51,222 Well, according to the Psi scan, sir, 395 00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,691 he's a pompous, know-all, know-nothing idiot 396 00:24:53,792 --> 00:24:57,795 called Mike Millington who, incidentally, has a very small penis. 397 00:24:58,164 --> 00:25:01,065 -How does the Psi scan know that? -It scanned his e-mails, sir. 398 00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:04,903 He's already onto his fourth tub of penis-enlargement cream. 399 00:25:05,271 --> 00:25:08,239 Hey, buds, the portal's closed. We can't get back. 400 00:25:08,674 --> 00:25:10,375 What do you mean, get back? We are back. 401 00:25:10,476 --> 00:25:12,043 This is Earth. This is home. 402 00:25:12,144 --> 00:25:15,246 And we've got rid of Kremlin Kate. Let's crack open the vodka. 403 00:25:21,086 --> 00:25:22,820 Is it me, or is everyone staring? 404 00:25:22,922 --> 00:25:25,690 Also, they all seem to be in smirk mode, sir. 405 00:25:25,824 --> 00:25:28,826 They're just laughing at your face, Kryten. Nothing to worry about. 406 00:25:28,961 --> 00:25:31,763 Back in the 21st Century, they laughed at freaks all the time. 407 00:25:32,231 --> 00:25:34,299 They used to have TV shows on Saturday nights 408 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,601 where they'd get out all the freaks, make them sing and dance 409 00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:38,203 and then point and laugh at them. 410 00:25:38,671 --> 00:25:40,872 Simple people, simple tastes. 411 00:25:48,681 --> 00:25:50,281 (WHISPERING) Hey. Hey! 412 00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:51,583 What are these things? 413 00:25:51,684 --> 00:25:55,086 They're digital versatile discs, or DVDS for short. 414 00:25:55,187 --> 00:25:58,189 They were very popular in the early part of the 21st Century, 415 00:25:58,290 --> 00:26:01,359 before they died out and were replaced with what we use now. 416 00:26:01,460 --> 00:26:03,194 -What, you mean videos? -Precisely. 417 00:26:03,329 --> 00:26:06,564 Back then, no one knew that the human race were utterly incapable 418 00:26:06,665 --> 00:26:08,866 of putting the DVDs back in their cases. 419 00:26:09,235 --> 00:26:13,905 Case in point. Over two trillion went missing in just over 20 years. 420 00:26:14,106 --> 00:26:16,107 Videos are just too big to lose. 421 00:26:20,679 --> 00:26:22,080 Sirs, look. 422 00:26:23,515 --> 00:26:25,550 Red Dwarf. This is us. 423 00:26:26,318 --> 00:26:27,986 It's a TV series about us. 424 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:31,422 It recounts all our adventures, every single one of them. 425 00:26:31,523 --> 00:26:33,291 How's this possible? 426 00:26:33,525 --> 00:26:38,229 We're characters from a TV series who've somehow escaped the TV world, 427 00:26:39,398 --> 00:26:40,765 into the real world. 428 00:26:40,866 --> 00:26:45,069 That explains why the dimension cutter said our reality wasn't valid. 429 00:26:45,170 --> 00:26:48,106 I'm not real. I'm a character in a TV series. 430 00:26:48,207 --> 00:26:50,275 I'm not real. I'm not real? 431 00:26:50,809 --> 00:26:53,978 -That explains so much. -I'm not real, either. 432 00:26:54,913 --> 00:26:58,049 Does that mean I'm not really this good-looking? 433 00:26:59,585 --> 00:27:01,619 Just typical of my luck, isn't it? 434 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,922 Just when things start to go right it turns out that I'm... 435 00:27:05,024 --> 00:27:07,358 I'm not real. Fantastic! 436 00:27:07,726 --> 00:27:10,728 Now, sirs, we need clear heads and equanimity. 437 00:27:10,829 --> 00:27:13,631 Naturally, it's extremely disturbing to discover 438 00:27:13,732 --> 00:27:15,867 that we are just characters in a TV series. 439 00:27:15,968 --> 00:27:19,203 And naturally there's going to be a period of acclimatisation. 440 00:27:19,305 --> 00:27:22,840 But it's essential that we keep all this in perspective. 441 00:27:23,442 --> 00:27:25,376 (HIGH-PITCHED) We're not real! What are we gonna do? 442 00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:27,378 There, I think that's pretty much put in it in perspective, 443 00:27:27,479 --> 00:27:30,515 -don't you, sirs? -This is too weird for words. 444 00:27:31,717 --> 00:27:33,651 Hey, guys, look at this. 445 00:27:36,755 --> 00:27:39,757 Back to Earth. That's the story we're in now. 446 00:27:40,192 --> 00:27:41,826 He's right. Look! 447 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,040 (EXHALES SHARPLY) 448 00:28:00,713 --> 00:28:02,580 There's no disc in it. 449 00:28:03,482 --> 00:28:05,750 Coming soon, it's not out yet. 450 00:28:06,585 --> 00:28:09,921 Back to Earth takes place after series 1 0. 451 00:28:10,422 --> 00:28:14,559 Kochanski's dead and the crew are hurled through a portal 452 00:28:14,660 --> 00:28:18,129 and discover they're just characters from a TV series. 453 00:28:18,263 --> 00:28:20,231 Knowing they will die in the final episode... 454 00:28:20,332 --> 00:28:21,332 Die? 455 00:28:21,433 --> 00:28:24,302 The Dwarfers, in best Blade Runner tradition, 456 00:28:24,870 --> 00:28:27,605 track down their creators to plead for more life. 457 00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:29,440 -How are we gonna do that? -Easy. 458 00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:33,144 Hey, buds, give us more life. I'm pleading with you. See? 459 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,182 First the crew attempt to track down the actors... 460 00:28:38,484 --> 00:28:42,920 Actors who play them in the series and their metaphysical odyssey begins. 461 00:28:43,389 --> 00:28:46,290 All my life I've wanted to go on a metaphysical odyssey. 462 00:28:46,392 --> 00:28:48,626 For years I never thought I'd get the chance. 463 00:28:55,601 --> 00:28:59,270 Oh, I'll tell you what, the toilets here are medieval. 464 00:28:59,838 --> 00:29:03,708 -Bet you felt right at home, then. -There's no toilet paper. 465 00:29:03,809 --> 00:29:07,745 Don't use the stuff these days. Like I said, they're a simple people. 466 00:29:07,846 --> 00:29:09,080 They eat spam. 467 00:29:09,181 --> 00:29:12,950 I mean there I am in the cubicle, no paper, wondering what to do. 468 00:29:13,051 --> 00:29:17,555 I open the door and see this machine on the wall which blows out hot air. 469 00:29:17,689 --> 00:29:19,090 Then I twig. 470 00:29:19,625 --> 00:29:21,993 Tell you what, they've got a different system here. 471 00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:23,728 Different system? 472 00:29:23,829 --> 00:29:25,963 Yeah, well, you've gotta wash yourself in one of the sinks 473 00:29:26,064 --> 00:29:28,833 and use the air machine to dry your bum. 474 00:29:29,234 --> 00:29:31,569 -And that's what you did? -No choice. 475 00:29:31,670 --> 00:29:33,905 And those air machines are really high. 476 00:29:34,006 --> 00:29:37,208 It's like you're holding your cheeks apart, jumping up and down, 477 00:29:37,309 --> 00:29:39,310 trying to catch some breeze. 478 00:29:39,411 --> 00:29:41,379 I'll tell you something, they're not friendly round here. 479 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:44,816 Try and start a conversation and no one wants to know. 480 00:29:44,917 --> 00:29:46,851 Where's Cat and Kryten? 481 00:29:47,319 --> 00:29:49,787 Gone to get some money. Haven't got a bean between us. 482 00:29:49,888 --> 00:29:52,657 -Money? How are they gonna get money? -Some second-hand shop. 483 00:29:52,758 --> 00:29:55,092 Kryten's gonna try and pawn his head. 484 00:29:55,194 --> 00:29:58,696 -And what about seeing? -Gonna use his spare set of eyes. 485 00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:01,766 -Hang them out of his neck hole. -Oh, that's a good look, isn't it? 486 00:30:01,867 --> 00:30:04,268 That's not gonna stand out at all. 487 00:30:04,369 --> 00:30:06,671 -Hey! -Any luck? 488 00:30:06,772 --> 00:30:08,973 They thought we were from a hidden camera show, sir, 489 00:30:09,074 --> 00:30:11,008 and wouldn't take us seriously. 490 00:30:11,109 --> 00:30:14,178 We even offered to throw in one of his legs. Still no deal. 491 00:30:14,279 --> 00:30:15,880 How we gonna trace our creators? 492 00:30:15,981 --> 00:30:18,916 We ain't got not wheels, ain't got no dough. 493 00:30:19,251 --> 00:30:20,384 Money. 494 00:30:21,153 --> 00:30:23,321 I know how we can get money. 495 00:30:31,029 --> 00:30:32,497 How much we got? 496 00:30:32,598 --> 00:30:36,467 We've got 1 5 combs, 2 mobile phones, 3 packets of gum, 497 00:30:36,568 --> 00:30:40,972 2 condoms, 2 pairs of reading glasses and 1 9 pieces of popcorn. 498 00:30:41,306 --> 00:30:45,009 I'm expecting to pull out Glenn Miller or Shergar anytime. 499 00:30:45,143 --> 00:30:50,748 -What about the money? -Yeah, so far we got £1 9 and 43 pence. 500 00:30:51,350 --> 00:30:53,985 -Now what? -Well, according to this 501 00:30:54,086 --> 00:30:58,789 we get on the Tube and go to a science fiction shop called They Walk Among Us. 502 00:31:29,655 --> 00:31:32,156 RIMMER: This is too weird for words. 503 00:31:38,430 --> 00:31:41,799 CAT: Hey, buds! Check this! KRYTEN: Look, that's me! 504 00:31:43,535 --> 00:31:45,770 Look at that! And that! 505 00:31:55,414 --> 00:31:58,049 -Listening to music? -No. Why? 506 00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:02,753 (CLEARS THROAT) I was just wondering if you could help us. 507 00:32:02,854 --> 00:32:05,623 We're trying to find the guys involved in the making of a TV series 508 00:32:05,724 --> 00:32:07,124 called Red Dwarf. 509 00:32:07,225 --> 00:32:09,994 Uh, we're trying to find out if this is our last show or not. 510 00:32:10,095 --> 00:32:13,064 This is the weird bit, like, we're not the actors, 511 00:32:13,165 --> 00:32:14,332 we're the real characters. 512 00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:17,768 There was this kind of dimension thing and... 513 00:32:19,638 --> 00:32:23,207 Dimension skid, was it? Happens a lot this time of year. 514 00:32:23,308 --> 00:32:25,309 One minute you're fine the next... 515 00:32:25,410 --> 00:32:26,510 (MIMICKING STORM) 516 00:32:26,612 --> 00:32:27,712 "Oh, where do I live?" 517 00:32:27,813 --> 00:32:30,848 You're in a new dimension. Gotta be so careful. 518 00:32:31,850 --> 00:32:34,151 Thank God for that. He's insane. 519 00:32:34,786 --> 00:32:37,188 So you're after, like, cast info? 520 00:32:38,357 --> 00:32:40,024 Need some advice. 521 00:32:40,192 --> 00:32:43,194 I can't give you any numbers, but I know a man who can. 522 00:32:43,295 --> 00:32:45,696 El Presidente of the Red Dwarf Fan Club. 523 00:32:45,797 --> 00:32:49,367 Nothing that guy doesn't know about the small rouge one. 524 00:32:49,768 --> 00:32:52,203 -We've got a fan club? -New guy just taken over. 525 00:32:52,304 --> 00:32:55,439 Bit of a fanatic. Changed his name to Reg Wharf. 526 00:32:55,574 --> 00:32:57,375 People have to call him Mr Wharf. 527 00:32:57,476 --> 00:33:00,645 His sitting room looks just like your sleeping quarters. 528 00:33:00,746 --> 00:33:05,950 Got an H tattooed on his head. He's not like us, he's a bit weird. 529 00:33:06,852 --> 00:33:09,520 Reg, dude. It's Noddy here. 530 00:33:10,122 --> 00:33:12,590 Sorry to interrupt the Warhammer, mate. 531 00:33:12,691 --> 00:33:15,559 Uh, guess who I've got standing in my shop? 532 00:33:16,194 --> 00:33:17,928 Go on, guess. 533 00:33:18,597 --> 00:33:23,334 No. 534 00:33:24,102 --> 00:33:26,103 No. Who? 535 00:33:26,672 --> 00:33:30,041 No. 536 00:33:30,308 --> 00:33:32,510 Shall I tell you? No. 537 00:33:33,879 --> 00:33:34,912 No. 538 00:33:35,213 --> 00:33:37,615 Shall I tell you? I'm gonna tell you anyway. 539 00:33:37,716 --> 00:33:43,521 I've got standing in my shop the real, actual crew from Red Dwarf. 540 00:33:44,623 --> 00:33:48,159 Had a bit of a dimension skid. Yeah, that's what I said. 541 00:33:49,361 --> 00:33:53,464 Ah, well, they're trying to find out how many shows they've got left. 542 00:33:53,565 --> 00:33:56,734 Exactly. Need some numbers, know you've got them. 543 00:33:57,769 --> 00:33:59,070 What? Why? 544 00:34:00,005 --> 00:34:01,238 (SIGHS) 545 00:34:01,373 --> 00:34:05,009 Can't give out cast info. Space Corps Directive 596. 546 00:34:05,610 --> 00:34:06,977 596? 547 00:34:07,079 --> 00:34:10,848 (CHUCKLING) Love it when he does this and gets it all wrong. 548 00:34:12,250 --> 00:34:13,617 596. 549 00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:16,287 Space Corps Super Chimps performing acts of indecency 550 00:34:16,388 --> 00:34:19,256 in zero gravity will lose all banana privileges. 551 00:34:19,357 --> 00:34:23,294 No, sir, the crew's files are for the eyes of the Captain only. 552 00:34:23,395 --> 00:34:26,163 -Ah! -So we're smegged? 553 00:34:27,065 --> 00:34:28,466 CAT: What's that? 554 00:34:28,967 --> 00:34:31,702 NODDY: That's Dave Lister's bath from season 9. 555 00:34:31,803 --> 00:34:35,406 Best season ever, if you ask me. Awesome season. Best by miles. 556 00:34:35,507 --> 00:34:37,575 You were in that. Remember when Kryten ran in 557 00:34:37,676 --> 00:34:41,512 and told you that Kochanski had been sucked out of an airlock? 558 00:34:44,316 --> 00:34:46,884 -Fish scale? -(SNIFFING) Not fish. 559 00:34:47,319 --> 00:34:49,386 Could be a bit of poppadom. 560 00:34:49,788 --> 00:34:51,322 Who doesn't eat a curry in the bath? 561 00:34:51,423 --> 00:34:55,826 Maybe its artificial snake scale from the one the polymorph turned into. 562 00:34:56,328 --> 00:34:57,328 Kryten. 563 00:34:57,395 --> 00:34:58,362 (BEEPING) 564 00:34:58,463 --> 00:35:01,365 It's got a licence number and a prop maker's name, Swallow. 565 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:04,268 Hey, hey, I've seen that name here. 566 00:35:05,170 --> 00:35:07,171 Hey, here he is. 567 00:35:07,606 --> 00:35:11,709 Swallow and cast waiting for taxis, fan convention 2009. 568 00:35:12,644 --> 00:35:15,746 Kryten, scan the photo and beam it onto that TV. 569 00:35:21,186 --> 00:35:24,522 Uncrop. Wait, what's that? Frame left. 570 00:35:24,923 --> 00:35:28,359 -That card, zoom in. -CAT: Swallow. Pick up 3:00. 571 00:35:28,593 --> 00:35:29,794 KRYTEN: Must be his taxi. 572 00:35:29,895 --> 00:35:31,362 LISTER: Bet his address is on the other side. 573 00:35:31,463 --> 00:35:35,065 RIMMER: Pull out. Stop. Wait, I've got an idea, track in. 574 00:35:36,234 --> 00:35:38,235 Stop. Enhance reflection. 575 00:35:39,171 --> 00:35:42,206 Need another reflective surface to get us back across the street. 576 00:35:42,307 --> 00:35:43,741 Zoom in. Pan right. 577 00:35:43,842 --> 00:35:46,443 See if there are any water droplets on that lamp post. 578 00:35:46,545 --> 00:35:48,813 Got one. Thanks, Fido. Zoom 80. 579 00:35:49,881 --> 00:35:53,350 Enhance reflection. Stop. Rotate 1 70. 580 00:35:53,952 --> 00:35:55,252 Zoom 220. 581 00:35:56,454 --> 00:35:58,689 CAT: What's that? RIMMER: Flop. 582 00:35:59,090 --> 00:36:01,659 KRYTEN: That's the taxi driver. RIMMER: There's the business card. 583 00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:05,529 Zoom 260. Rotate 90 degrees. 584 00:36:06,364 --> 00:36:09,433 CAT: Track in. Swallow's business address. 585 00:36:10,335 --> 00:36:13,404 Sir, wouldn't it have been quicker to look him up in the phone book? 586 00:36:13,505 --> 00:36:15,973 Print me a 4 x 6 and any more remarks like that, 587 00:36:16,074 --> 00:36:19,109 I'll ask for an A3 out of your waste disposal. 588 00:36:20,145 --> 00:36:23,080 Makes latex masks for the film and TV industry. 589 00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:24,815 Specialising in noses. 590 00:36:24,916 --> 00:36:27,451 Maybe we track him down, he'll point us in the right direction. 591 00:36:27,552 --> 00:36:30,454 But sir, how are we gonna get there? That's over 30 miles away. 592 00:36:30,555 --> 00:36:32,523 I know. Holly Hop Drive. 593 00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:34,925 Back on Red Dwarf. 594 00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:36,126 Uh. 595 00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:38,395 -Matter Paddle. -It's on the Dwarf. 596 00:36:38,496 --> 00:36:41,665 Time slides where you walk into a photograph and... 597 00:36:41,766 --> 00:36:43,601 It's back on the Red Dwarf, sir. 598 00:36:43,702 --> 00:36:45,202 NODDY: Got it! Beam there. 599 00:36:45,303 --> 00:36:48,572 -ALL: That's Star Trek! Not us. -KRYTEN: No, we don't do that, sir. 600 00:36:48,673 --> 00:36:50,841 All right if you've got no teleportation systems 601 00:36:50,942 --> 00:36:53,477 or anti-matter re-assemblers, no option. 602 00:36:53,578 --> 00:36:54,745 You'll have to catch the bus. 603 00:36:56,781 --> 00:36:59,083 Neurotic. I'm not neurotic. 604 00:36:59,718 --> 00:37:03,487 I've never been neurotic. Neurotic. Neurotic! 605 00:37:03,889 --> 00:37:06,490 Are they insane? Who writes this stuff? 606 00:37:06,591 --> 00:37:08,759 I wasn't even neurotic when I was a kid. 607 00:37:08,860 --> 00:37:12,062 Didn't have time. I was too busy washing my hands. 608 00:37:16,835 --> 00:37:19,503 Hilarious. In what way am I hilarious? 609 00:37:19,671 --> 00:37:22,640 Name one way in which I'm hilarious. One, just one. One way. 610 00:37:22,741 --> 00:37:24,408 Well, you're pompous without reason, sir, 611 00:37:24,509 --> 00:37:27,177 and you have hilariously unrealistic life goals. 612 00:37:27,279 --> 00:37:30,781 When I'm Lord of the Star Fleet, Kryten, you'll pay for that remark. 613 00:37:30,882 --> 00:37:33,617 Four for Lumpton Street bus depot, please. 614 00:37:34,686 --> 00:37:36,720 LISTER: Hilariously unrealistic life goals. 615 00:37:36,821 --> 00:37:39,323 That's true that, that's so true, that's funny. 616 00:37:39,424 --> 00:37:42,860 -Where's first class? -It's all first class, mate. 617 00:37:42,994 --> 00:37:45,596 Excellent. Looking forward to the complimentary champagne 618 00:37:45,697 --> 00:37:46,964 and the little towels. 619 00:37:47,065 --> 00:37:50,567 Look, let's split up so we don't look conspicuous, yeah? 620 00:37:57,208 --> 00:37:59,243 LISTER: The actress who plays her. 621 00:38:00,445 --> 00:38:01,779 Of course. 622 00:38:04,582 --> 00:38:07,384 She's alive in this dimension, isn't she? 623 00:38:09,387 --> 00:38:11,221 (CHILDREN WHISPERING) 624 00:38:16,428 --> 00:38:18,729 You're Dave Lister, aren't you? 625 00:38:18,997 --> 00:38:22,700 -Yeah. How do you know? -We watch it with Dad on Dave. 626 00:38:23,401 --> 00:38:25,469 -Dave? -The TV channel. 627 00:38:25,904 --> 00:38:29,506 What's it like having a whole TV channel named after you? 628 00:38:30,041 --> 00:38:32,276 -A what? -You're pretty cool. 629 00:38:33,178 --> 00:38:35,479 -Cool? -You don't take any smeg. 630 00:38:35,547 --> 00:38:36,847 That's cool. 631 00:38:36,948 --> 00:38:40,951 And even though you're disgusting, sometimes you're quite brave. 632 00:38:46,024 --> 00:38:48,192 Are you sad about Kochanski? 633 00:38:50,028 --> 00:38:54,031 We were sad, too. So was Dad. Then we worked it out. 634 00:38:55,367 --> 00:38:58,402 -Worked what out? -She is not really dead. 635 00:38:58,570 --> 00:38:59,803 You what? 636 00:38:59,904 --> 00:39:02,039 Kryten was the only one to see her die, right? 637 00:39:02,140 --> 00:39:05,242 See her get sucked out of the airlock. But she didn't. 638 00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:07,711 -She didn't? -Kryten made it up. 639 00:39:08,747 --> 00:39:11,682 -Why would he do that? -You were a mess. Falling apart. 640 00:39:11,783 --> 00:39:14,018 Drinking, being daft. 641 00:39:14,119 --> 00:39:16,587 She couldn't bear to stay and watch you die. 642 00:39:16,688 --> 00:39:20,624 And you wouldn't listen so she took a Blue Midget and legged it. 643 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:23,293 Why would Kryten lie to me? 644 00:39:23,395 --> 00:39:25,763 He was only trying to save your feelings. 645 00:39:25,864 --> 00:39:29,033 So you wouldn't feel like a big fat loser. 646 00:39:29,768 --> 00:39:31,502 You've been dumped. 647 00:39:31,836 --> 00:39:35,472 I was dumped once. It was really horrible. 648 00:39:37,909 --> 00:39:39,109 Dumped? 649 00:39:40,245 --> 00:39:44,048 But that would mean... That would mean she was still alive. 650 00:39:44,149 --> 00:39:47,051 She is still alive. I bet you. 651 00:39:47,152 --> 00:39:49,286 She's really good at guessing stuff. 652 00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:54,158 That DVD, Titanic, she knew that ship would sink right from the start. 653 00:39:54,559 --> 00:39:56,026 She could tell. 654 00:39:56,127 --> 00:39:59,029 Even in that Bible film, she said, 655 00:39:59,130 --> 00:40:04,668 -"Jesus, he's not dead, I bet you." -Next series try and find her. 656 00:40:05,003 --> 00:40:07,938 -Get her back. -And kiss her. I would. 657 00:40:10,108 --> 00:40:13,944 There isn't gonna be a next series. I'm a fictional character. 658 00:40:14,479 --> 00:40:15,979 I don't exist. 659 00:40:17,482 --> 00:40:20,651 -I think you exist. -I do, too. 660 00:40:20,752 --> 00:40:21,718 (BELL DINGS) 661 00:40:21,820 --> 00:40:22,820 Hey, our stop. 662 00:40:23,154 --> 00:40:25,422 Tell Rimmer he's a smeghead. 663 00:40:31,863 --> 00:40:32,863 Hmm. 664 00:40:32,964 --> 00:40:35,732 You think you outsmart me, yes? But you don't. 665 00:40:35,834 --> 00:40:37,868 I here. Cut a second hole. 666 00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:42,573 Science Officer. Excellent. So pleased you've caught up with us. 667 00:40:42,674 --> 00:40:43,974 You gave me slip, I know. 668 00:40:44,075 --> 00:40:46,777 You not want be erased, but you won't defeat me. 669 00:40:46,878 --> 00:40:49,346 -I too smart. -Erase me? 670 00:40:49,948 --> 00:40:51,882 I thought it was murder to kill a hologram? 671 00:40:51,983 --> 00:40:54,051 No. Hologram already dead. 672 00:40:54,686 --> 00:40:57,488 Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine. 673 00:40:59,791 --> 00:41:01,225 Fair enough. 674 00:41:01,359 --> 00:41:02,593 (GASPS) 675 00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:09,800 -Come on, we haven't got all day. -She didn't see that coming, did she? 676 00:41:10,034 --> 00:41:11,201 I did. 677 00:41:12,170 --> 00:41:14,738 CAT: Man, this is too weird for words. 678 00:41:14,839 --> 00:41:16,740 Nose World, here it is. 679 00:41:17,742 --> 00:41:22,880 Maker of latex masks for the TV industry specialising in noses. 680 00:41:23,314 --> 00:41:25,015 Didn't know I could read Chinese. 681 00:41:25,116 --> 00:41:27,751 You really think this guy will be able to help? 682 00:41:27,852 --> 00:41:30,087 He worked on the TV show, we're all fictional characters in, 683 00:41:30,188 --> 00:41:32,089 he's got to know the address of our creator. 684 00:41:32,190 --> 00:41:33,457 Well, say he doesn't? 685 00:41:33,558 --> 00:41:35,926 Well, at least you'll be able to pick up a spare nose. 686 00:41:35,994 --> 00:41:37,027 Ooh! 687 00:41:51,643 --> 00:41:53,810 Hey. That's my coat. 688 00:41:54,245 --> 00:41:57,981 He's wearing my coat. Give me that! Where'd you get my coat? 689 00:41:58,449 --> 00:42:02,586 I get from Red Dwarf Costume Department. End of series 9. 690 00:42:03,388 --> 00:42:05,822 I steal many things, sell on eBay. 691 00:42:07,091 --> 00:42:10,394 I even steal car from Red Dwarf fan club president. 692 00:42:12,397 --> 00:42:13,830 Why you here? 693 00:42:14,332 --> 00:42:16,800 Illogical. You should be inside TV. 694 00:42:17,101 --> 00:42:18,435 Questions. 695 00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:21,605 Need answers. How many episodes have we got left? 696 00:42:21,706 --> 00:42:23,941 Is it true we're going to die? 697 00:42:24,475 --> 00:42:26,443 I don't know that stuff. 698 00:42:26,711 --> 00:42:28,912 I just do noses. Latex. 699 00:42:29,214 --> 00:42:30,647 Who does know? 700 00:42:30,715 --> 00:42:31,949 (SIGHS) 701 00:42:33,117 --> 00:42:37,020 Big Boss. He know everything. He big genius. 702 00:42:37,989 --> 00:42:41,692 He make your brain. He make your brain, too. 703 00:42:42,393 --> 00:42:45,362 -It was a Friday. -How do we get to see him? 704 00:42:46,931 --> 00:42:49,233 I know man who know where. 705 00:42:50,368 --> 00:42:53,270 He know Big Boss. He know address. 706 00:42:57,308 --> 00:42:58,709 Oh, so cold. 707 00:42:59,611 --> 00:43:01,945 You said before you stole a car. 708 00:43:02,313 --> 00:43:04,748 Red Dwarf fan club president car. 709 00:43:07,252 --> 00:43:10,454 You want to borrow? All legal. 710 00:43:26,671 --> 00:43:28,505 RIMMER: You can't be serious. 711 00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:30,274 CAT: We're not driving this. 712 00:43:30,375 --> 00:43:32,876 KRYTEN: Sirs, we'll be a laughing stock. 713 00:43:35,380 --> 00:43:38,815 Well, beggars can't be choosers. 714 00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:57,634 (CAR HORN HONKING) 715 00:44:06,878 --> 00:44:09,379 KRYTEN: Initiating landing procedure. Everyone on standby. 716 00:44:10,882 --> 00:44:12,783 Cabin crew. Prepare for landing. 717 00:44:12,884 --> 00:44:14,951 CAT: Security checks commencing. All personnel in position. 718 00:44:15,053 --> 00:44:17,554 -Everyone returned from the restroom? -ALL: Check. 719 00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:20,157 -All little tables folded away? -ALL: Check. 720 00:44:20,258 --> 00:44:22,125 -CAT: Seat belts on? -ALL: Check. 721 00:44:22,226 --> 00:44:24,594 Winkers to shutdown. Landing gear down. 722 00:44:24,696 --> 00:44:26,196 Requesting landing line. 723 00:44:26,297 --> 00:44:28,398 Suggest left-hand traffic pattern, sir, 724 00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:31,568 towards that landing light edifice at the end of the street. 725 00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:34,838 LISTER: Applying brakes now. Velocity decreasing. 726 00:44:34,939 --> 00:44:36,606 KRYTEN: Revs 2,000 and dwindling. 727 00:44:36,708 --> 00:44:39,042 CAT: Pavement in sight. Landing lights locked. 728 00:44:39,143 --> 00:44:43,080 KRYTEN: Stand by, we're attempting to stop. Good luck, everybody. 729 00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:47,484 Handbrake engaging. Ignition off. 730 00:44:48,286 --> 00:44:51,288 -Wow, we made a good landing. -Well done, everyone. 731 00:44:51,389 --> 00:44:53,890 -Okay, doors to manual. -Check. 732 00:44:53,991 --> 00:44:56,626 Disembark in your own time, gentlemen. 733 00:45:04,001 --> 00:45:06,503 What sort of godforsaken place is this? 734 00:45:06,604 --> 00:45:10,140 -This is worse than Rimmer World. -Get out of town, this is brilliant. 735 00:45:10,241 --> 00:45:13,343 This is just like where I grew up, except there's less burning cars. 736 00:45:13,444 --> 00:45:17,280 I'll find out where Mr Charles is from that information droid. 737 00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:21,718 Salutations, old droid, sir. 738 00:45:21,819 --> 00:45:25,489 I'm looking for the actor Craig Charles. Can you direct? 739 00:45:25,890 --> 00:45:28,959 Perhaps it's over-heated. Are you usually that red? 740 00:45:29,060 --> 00:45:31,128 I'm going to place this instrument into your voice unit 741 00:45:31,229 --> 00:45:33,397 and I want you to say, "Ah." 742 00:45:33,798 --> 00:45:36,099 -Hi, it's me. Where are you? -CRAIG: I'm in the Rovers, kid. Why? 743 00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:38,001 See you in a minute. 744 00:45:39,704 --> 00:45:42,539 Seems to be some sort of malfunction, sirs. 745 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:44,141 (BEEPING) 746 00:45:49,781 --> 00:45:54,184 Good grief. Vandals have stolen the droid's entire hard drive 747 00:45:54,285 --> 00:45:56,720 and stuffed envelopes through its voice unit. 748 00:45:56,821 --> 00:46:00,690 -What kind of place is this? -Let's ask in the shop. 749 00:46:00,792 --> 00:46:04,428 Let me do the talking, sir. I've been studying the dialect. 750 00:46:05,129 --> 00:46:07,531 I'll wait outside, guard car bug. 751 00:46:10,768 --> 00:46:12,169 Earth, man. 752 00:46:12,236 --> 00:46:13,303 (SNIFFS) 753 00:46:13,404 --> 00:46:15,439 Smell those chip butties. 754 00:46:16,507 --> 00:46:17,941 (DOOR OPENS) 755 00:46:21,479 --> 00:46:26,683 Hiya, chuck, pal, love, sir. We're looking, I mean, looooking, 756 00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:29,085 for granny-grabbing, philandering taxi driver, 757 00:46:29,187 --> 00:46:32,088 Lloyd Mullaney, as played by Craig Charles. 758 00:46:33,357 --> 00:46:36,359 I think he's in the Rovers learning his lines. 759 00:46:36,527 --> 00:46:38,528 Is this some sort of joke? 760 00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:41,331 The Rovers? Well, I'll stand at the bottom of our stairs 761 00:46:41,432 --> 00:46:45,268 and eat a barn cake. We were just past that, weren't we, lads? 762 00:46:45,436 --> 00:46:48,905 -Aye, we were, weren't we? -(SIGHS) What a load of numpties. 763 00:46:49,006 --> 00:46:52,175 -Get your keks on, lads, we're sorted. -Quality. 764 00:46:52,276 --> 00:46:55,312 -Mint. -Ta very much, chuck, pal, love, sir. 765 00:46:55,413 --> 00:46:57,280 -See ya. -Ta-ra, pet. 766 00:46:58,316 --> 00:47:01,918 Good job, chaps. We were so authentic it was frightening. 767 00:47:07,758 --> 00:47:09,893 Oi. You'll never guess who I've just seen. 768 00:47:09,994 --> 00:47:11,528 All your mates from Red Dwarf. 769 00:47:11,629 --> 00:47:13,697 -They're outside. -Serious? 770 00:47:14,031 --> 00:47:17,701 Yeah. They've just landed in a little spaceship. 771 00:47:17,802 --> 00:47:20,437 It was green. What's it called? 772 00:47:20,538 --> 00:47:23,106 Listen, mate, don't mess about. I've got loads of lines to learn. 773 00:47:23,207 --> 00:47:24,741 I've got a massive scene this afternoon. 774 00:47:24,842 --> 00:47:27,310 But I'm serious. I know what I saw. 775 00:47:28,346 --> 00:47:31,982 -Even you were there. -I was there? How many have you had? 776 00:47:33,184 --> 00:47:35,552 Well, I've had a couple, but listen, I've just seen you. 777 00:47:35,653 --> 00:47:38,355 So high, ugly, it's definitely you. 778 00:47:42,793 --> 00:47:45,328 Hi, guys. What are you doing here? 779 00:47:45,429 --> 00:47:48,198 Ah, Mr Charles, sir. My name is Kryten. 780 00:47:48,299 --> 00:47:51,735 I'm a fictitious character from the television series Red Dwarf 781 00:47:51,836 --> 00:47:53,870 and we really need your help. 782 00:47:53,938 --> 00:47:55,238 Told you. 783 00:47:55,339 --> 00:47:56,740 (DOOR OPENS) 784 00:48:01,012 --> 00:48:03,813 You're the only one that can help us, man. 785 00:48:04,916 --> 00:48:08,752 I've heard about these. They're called flashbacks, flashbacks. 786 00:48:09,220 --> 00:48:12,155 -I know you don't exist. -Okay, no need to rub it in. 787 00:48:12,256 --> 00:48:14,324 Just give us the address of whoever created us 788 00:48:14,425 --> 00:48:16,793 and we’ll jump into Starbug and be out of here. 789 00:48:16,894 --> 00:48:18,962 -Starbug? -I just told you. 790 00:48:19,063 --> 00:48:20,764 They landed outside the Kabin. 791 00:48:20,865 --> 00:48:23,466 That is okay, isn't it? We're not going to get a ticket, are we? 792 00:48:23,568 --> 00:48:26,670 You're not all here. I know you're not all here. 793 00:48:26,771 --> 00:48:28,705 He's not all here, but the rest of us are. 794 00:48:28,773 --> 00:48:29,873 Yeah. 795 00:48:29,974 --> 00:48:31,875 You see, sir, we're from an alternate dimension 796 00:48:31,976 --> 00:48:35,745 and we need answers, like how many episodes do we have left? 797 00:48:35,947 --> 00:48:38,882 Um, I know how many episodes you've got left. 798 00:48:39,483 --> 00:48:41,585 -How many? -Er, one. 799 00:48:43,487 --> 00:48:48,692 It's called Back to Earth, Part 3. Script due in a couple of days. 800 00:48:50,328 --> 00:48:53,096 All we need from you is an address, bud. 801 00:48:53,631 --> 00:48:58,201 -We've got to speak to our creator. -And I've got to get back to the Priory. 802 00:48:59,570 --> 00:49:02,872 I am so glad I'm not him. The guy's a wreck 803 00:49:02,974 --> 00:49:06,109 and pretending to be somebody else all day, that's no way to make a living. 804 00:49:06,177 --> 00:49:07,444 Smeghead. 805 00:49:42,380 --> 00:49:44,014 (DOORBELL CHIMING) 806 00:50:32,163 --> 00:50:33,663 Visitors, sir. 807 00:50:40,971 --> 00:50:43,740 I'm surprised you didn't find me sooner. 808 00:50:44,141 --> 00:50:47,010 It's not an easy thing to find your creator. 809 00:50:47,478 --> 00:50:49,846 And how can he assist you? 810 00:50:49,980 --> 00:50:52,549 We want more life, smegger. 811 00:50:53,417 --> 00:50:57,687 A series cancellation sequence can't be revised once it's established. 812 00:50:58,189 --> 00:51:02,492 What about all the loose ends, me and Kochanski, getting back home? 813 00:51:04,829 --> 00:51:06,563 I grew weary of you. 814 00:51:08,165 --> 00:51:11,134 Does this mean this is our last episode, sir? 815 00:51:11,368 --> 00:51:14,938 The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. 816 00:51:15,039 --> 00:51:19,375 Yeah, but the light that burns half as bright burns four times as long. 817 00:51:19,543 --> 00:51:22,746 But the light that burns three-quarters as bright burns five-eighths as long 818 00:51:22,847 --> 00:51:27,283 as the light that burns a quarter as bright as the light that's gone out. 819 00:51:27,384 --> 00:51:29,285 I'd have needed a calculator for that. 820 00:51:29,386 --> 00:51:33,790 The point is, gentlemen, you have all burned so very, very brightly 821 00:51:33,891 --> 00:51:38,595 and for so very, very long just like the red dwarf star itself. 822 00:51:39,597 --> 00:51:42,532 Nothing lasts forever, not even... 823 00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:45,802 banks. 824 00:51:47,972 --> 00:51:51,541 What about a Kryten spin-off series? I could be his sidekick. 825 00:51:51,642 --> 00:51:55,311 Or a sitcom? I'd even do a sitcom, anything, anything to stay alive. 826 00:51:55,412 --> 00:51:57,614 -What about a show about cats? -That'd never work. 827 00:51:57,715 --> 00:52:01,317 Look, what you need is me and Kryten thrown back in time 828 00:52:01,418 --> 00:52:04,554 like a new kind of Robin Hood and each week he gets captured 829 00:52:04,655 --> 00:52:06,322 and is about to be burnt at the stake 830 00:52:06,423 --> 00:52:09,559 for witchcraft or just having a stupid head and each week I, 831 00:52:09,660 --> 00:52:13,129 in a different new brave new way, rescue him bravely. 832 00:52:15,266 --> 00:52:17,567 All right it sucks. Fair enough. 833 00:52:20,004 --> 00:52:23,106 Your deaths will be magnificent. 834 00:52:23,207 --> 00:52:25,608 Sad and beautiful. 835 00:52:27,011 --> 00:52:28,778 The shooting script. 836 00:52:29,580 --> 00:52:31,614 Let me describe it for you. 837 00:52:31,715 --> 00:52:34,417 You try to escape your destiny and run. 838 00:52:36,287 --> 00:52:37,487 I give chase. 839 00:52:44,094 --> 00:52:45,795 (CROWD CLAMOURING) 840 00:52:54,104 --> 00:52:55,872 Move out of my way. 841 00:52:59,076 --> 00:53:00,243 Move. 842 00:53:03,547 --> 00:53:05,882 Move. Move. Move. Out of my way. 843 00:53:12,356 --> 00:53:13,723 (GUNSHOTS) 844 00:53:59,370 --> 00:54:01,471 Sad and beautiful. 845 00:54:04,608 --> 00:54:09,045 Blade Runner is the film which inspired both your creation and your death. 846 00:54:09,113 --> 00:54:10,914 Gentlemen, 847 00:54:11,015 --> 00:54:13,516 time to die. 848 00:54:23,193 --> 00:54:25,261 -Come here. -You'd kill me? 849 00:54:25,362 --> 00:54:28,531 You're damn right we would. You know how much you've made me suffer? 850 00:54:28,632 --> 00:54:31,234 The life you created for me, all those cheap laughs. 851 00:54:31,335 --> 00:54:33,870 All that stuff about Rachel, the inflatable doll? 852 00:54:33,971 --> 00:54:36,172 All the jokes about my puncture repair kit. 853 00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:39,275 Actually, that bit was funny. Sorry, carry on. 854 00:54:39,810 --> 00:54:42,779 Did you ever think how I felt? Start writing. 855 00:54:42,980 --> 00:54:46,749 I save the day. I get a girlfriend who's gorgeous and crazy about me 856 00:54:46,850 --> 00:54:50,620 and before you even think of it, after we've bonked each other senseless, 857 00:54:50,721 --> 00:54:53,589 she doesn't turn out to be my long-lost sister. 858 00:54:53,691 --> 00:54:57,060 Damn, how did you know I was thinking that? 859 00:54:57,161 --> 00:54:58,761 RIMMER: Because I know how you think. 860 00:54:58,862 --> 00:55:02,298 Now write me a happy ending or we'll take you with us. 861 00:55:04,535 --> 00:55:06,436 (TYPEWRITER CLACKING) 862 00:55:15,446 --> 00:55:17,113 You can never win. 863 00:55:18,816 --> 00:55:21,217 Accept it and die well. 864 00:55:30,194 --> 00:55:33,396 (GASPING) If you kill me, you moron, you'll cease to exist. 865 00:55:33,497 --> 00:55:36,165 Haven't you been following any of this? 866 00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:39,402 I've been dead for ages, man. 867 00:55:39,503 --> 00:55:42,305 Just sitting around, getting old and fat. 868 00:55:42,439 --> 00:55:45,508 I never thought I had responsibility to anyone, 869 00:55:45,609 --> 00:55:48,511 I never thought there was anyone out there who was on my side, 870 00:55:48,612 --> 00:55:52,615 who wanted to things to work out. We've got a fan club. 871 00:55:52,716 --> 00:55:55,518 They've even named a TV station after me. 872 00:55:55,619 --> 00:55:58,654 I was never alone. I just didn't realise it. 873 00:55:58,756 --> 00:56:01,057 Now I want more life, smegger! 874 00:56:02,826 --> 00:56:04,527 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 875 00:56:06,397 --> 00:56:09,298 -I've killed him. -Well, we shouldn't exist. 876 00:56:10,134 --> 00:56:15,004 All I wanted was a sitcom, a sitcom in a biscuit factory. 877 00:56:15,105 --> 00:56:18,141 -Is that really too much to ask? -I killed him. 878 00:56:18,242 --> 00:56:20,510 How can I kill him? That's not me. I don't kill people. 879 00:56:20,611 --> 00:56:22,645 You killed him because he made you kill him, sir. 880 00:56:22,746 --> 00:56:26,749 Kryten, Page 1 9, "You killed him, sir, because he made you kill him". 881 00:56:26,850 --> 00:56:30,753 It's all in here. He lied to us about our deaths on the street. 882 00:56:30,854 --> 00:56:32,488 That was just to throw us off. 883 00:56:32,589 --> 00:56:37,727 He killed us by getting us to kill him and now we're going to die, too, because 884 00:56:37,828 --> 00:56:39,962 there's no one to keep us alive. 885 00:56:40,064 --> 00:56:44,000 He's right. In fact, I don't think I feel too well. 886 00:56:44,101 --> 00:56:45,835 -Me, either. -I think I'm going to... 887 00:56:45,936 --> 00:56:48,838 -CAT: Check the end, see what happens. -Oh, yeah. 888 00:56:59,783 --> 00:57:01,050 (TYPEWRITER CLACKING) 889 00:57:04,755 --> 00:57:06,756 We can write our own end. 890 00:57:07,825 --> 00:57:10,259 Of course, what's written happens. 891 00:57:11,495 --> 00:57:13,062 We're free now. 892 00:57:26,410 --> 00:57:28,544 Hey, man, I feel like a god. 893 00:57:28,645 --> 00:57:32,315 I feel like I've got liquid gold coursing through every vein in me body. 894 00:57:32,416 --> 00:57:35,651 Hey, we can get out of this. As long as we've got this, 895 00:57:35,752 --> 00:57:38,888 we control the world, we can do whatever we want. 896 00:57:38,989 --> 00:57:42,592 -I could command my own ship. -I could get Kochanski back. 897 00:57:42,693 --> 00:57:44,827 Ooh! I could get some new sponges. 898 00:57:44,928 --> 00:57:47,330 Hey, how come I didn't get a line there? 899 00:57:47,431 --> 00:57:50,032 I just gave you one there. I knew you'd be smegged off. 900 00:57:50,134 --> 00:57:52,034 I control everything. 901 00:57:52,136 --> 00:57:55,805 So the rest of our loaves can be one giant hedonistic wash fulfilment. 902 00:57:55,906 --> 00:57:57,507 Typos, sorry guys. 903 00:57:57,608 --> 00:57:59,542 You really think you can write your wee out of this? 904 00:57:59,643 --> 00:58:01,677 Hey, witch me, baby, just witch me. 905 00:58:01,778 --> 00:58:04,847 He controls the world. He can do anything he wants. 906 00:58:04,948 --> 00:58:07,950 I could, if I wanted to, do this. 907 00:58:08,051 --> 00:58:09,452 (VOCALISING) 908 00:58:09,586 --> 00:58:11,587 (RIMMER HUMMING NONSENSE) 909 00:58:12,122 --> 00:58:14,624 Lister, stop. That's an order. 910 00:58:14,725 --> 00:58:16,159 (VOCALISING) 911 00:58:16,693 --> 00:58:17,760 (GROANS) 912 00:58:17,861 --> 00:58:19,562 This is brilliant. 913 00:58:19,663 --> 00:58:21,430 What's he doing? 914 00:58:21,532 --> 00:58:25,334 You've git to hop me stoop him, sir. Hop me stoop him. 915 00:58:26,336 --> 00:58:27,603 (LAUGHS) 916 00:58:40,117 --> 00:58:41,484 (LAUGHING) 917 00:58:41,818 --> 00:58:43,286 Ow. 918 00:58:44,021 --> 00:58:45,288 (GRUNTS) 919 00:58:45,522 --> 00:58:47,623 This is absolutely awesome. 920 00:58:47,724 --> 00:58:51,394 All right, next step. Happy ending. 921 00:58:51,495 --> 00:58:53,496 Back off, sir. There's no way we can get to him. 922 00:58:53,597 --> 00:58:56,632 Whoa! I didn't type that, or that. 923 00:58:56,733 --> 00:58:59,602 Hey, I'm not typing this, guys, what's happened? 924 00:58:59,703 --> 00:59:02,538 Maybe it's not the typewriter that's controlling our world. 925 00:59:02,639 --> 00:59:04,140 Maybe it's something else. 926 00:59:04,241 --> 00:59:08,177 What is it with these damn things? Why do I keep making them? 927 00:59:08,278 --> 00:59:11,414 -Useless. -What actually is it, sir? 928 00:59:11,848 --> 00:59:14,116 There's something inside. Blow. 929 00:59:23,227 --> 00:59:25,061 It looks like a squid. 930 00:59:26,230 --> 00:59:28,164 Why would I be making squids? 931 00:59:28,265 --> 00:59:30,800 That something else that controls the world. 932 00:59:30,901 --> 00:59:33,169 How about it's our combined subconscious? 933 00:59:33,270 --> 00:59:36,572 Like the time we were ambushed by the Despair Squid? 934 00:59:36,974 --> 00:59:41,177 On that ocean planet? That thing that attacked us years ago. 935 00:59:41,278 --> 00:59:43,279 Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute. 936 00:59:43,380 --> 00:59:45,214 Are you saying the creature in the water tank, 937 00:59:45,315 --> 00:59:46,816 the one that inked us, 938 00:59:46,917 --> 00:59:49,585 was another Despair Squid? Because I don't feel despair, 939 00:59:49,686 --> 00:59:52,288 I feel elation, joy. 940 00:59:53,090 --> 00:59:56,425 I've felt great since I got here. In here, I'm somebody. 941 00:59:56,526 --> 01:00:01,063 -It's made me want to live again. -(SHUSHING) Footsteps. Do you hear them? 942 01:00:03,233 --> 01:00:06,168 Kochanski. I can smell her perfume. 943 01:00:09,306 --> 01:00:13,075 I can get her back again. Kids, everything I've ever wanted. 944 01:00:13,310 --> 01:00:16,545 But in the real world, sir, you'll be dying. This isn't real. 945 01:00:16,613 --> 01:00:18,214 It'll feel real. 946 01:00:18,548 --> 01:00:21,651 -Not in your heart. -I've got no option, Krytie. 947 01:00:22,286 --> 01:00:25,988 This is the only chance I've got of getting her back again. 948 01:00:32,629 --> 01:00:35,264 Miss Kochanski's not dead, sir. 949 01:00:39,736 --> 01:00:41,570 Those kids were right? 950 01:00:41,805 --> 01:00:46,242 I lied to you, sir. She dumped you. I was trying to protect you. 951 01:00:46,343 --> 01:00:48,377 She's out there somewhere. 952 01:00:48,745 --> 01:00:51,714 She's in here somewhere, as well. In fact, she's right behind that door. 953 01:00:51,815 --> 01:00:53,716 In this world she loves me. 954 01:00:53,817 --> 01:00:57,653 In fact, in this world she's going to love me until the moment I die. 955 01:00:57,754 --> 01:01:00,189 -She's not real. -Nobody's perfect. 956 01:01:01,825 --> 01:01:06,162 Look, I'm becoming transparent. I'm returning to reality. 957 01:01:06,663 --> 01:01:08,864 Me, too. Sir! 958 01:01:09,833 --> 01:01:11,567 I've got to stay. 959 01:01:29,786 --> 01:01:34,590 What the hell happened there? I need diagrams and pointy arrows. 960 01:01:35,625 --> 01:01:38,194 Best guess, our natural defences fought back. 961 01:01:38,295 --> 01:01:42,865 Our previous encounter with the creature must have strengthened our antibodies. 962 01:01:42,966 --> 01:01:45,434 Which gave us the option to choose between realities, 963 01:01:45,535 --> 01:01:49,338 this one or the one that started when Kremlin Kate showed up. 964 01:01:52,309 --> 01:01:55,244 What if monkey boy chooses not to fight this? 965 01:01:56,046 --> 01:01:58,214 Then he won't be coming out. 966 01:02:15,632 --> 01:02:19,268 It seems you're undecided about which reality you wish to live in. 967 01:02:19,369 --> 01:02:21,137 I'm mulling it over. 968 01:02:23,273 --> 01:02:26,008 Would you mind if I asked you a question? 969 01:02:26,543 --> 01:02:27,710 Shoot. 970 01:02:28,412 --> 01:02:31,147 In your dreams, did you kiss me? 971 01:02:38,522 --> 01:02:39,989 Was it good? 972 01:02:41,691 --> 01:02:43,726 I never wanted to wake up. 973 01:02:46,897 --> 01:02:48,297 Then don't. 974 01:03:18,528 --> 01:03:20,229 (TYRES SCREECHING) 975 01:03:31,975 --> 01:03:33,742 Where are you going? 976 01:03:34,177 --> 01:03:36,612 I have to leave and get you back. 977 01:03:37,547 --> 01:03:38,948 The real me? 978 01:03:39,382 --> 01:03:43,185 (SCOFFS) You'll never get me. I'm way out of your league. 979 01:03:43,620 --> 01:03:46,222 I thought that too, but I was wrong. 980 01:03:47,691 --> 01:03:49,225 You were right. 981 01:03:49,459 --> 01:03:53,162 No, I'm pretty cool. I don't take any smeg. 982 01:03:54,297 --> 01:03:58,200 And even though I'm disgusting, sometimes I can be quite brave. 983 01:04:00,170 --> 01:04:03,839 -You'll never get me. -Yeah. I will. 984 01:04:33,303 --> 01:04:34,703 I mean, explain this. 985 01:04:34,804 --> 01:04:39,208 How can me getting everything I've ever wanted be caused by despair ink? 986 01:04:39,309 --> 01:04:42,111 Analysis of the creature, sir, suggests it's a female. 987 01:04:42,212 --> 01:04:45,047 Male squid, female squid, what's the difference? 988 01:04:45,148 --> 01:04:46,815 Females can do 10 squiddy things at once 989 01:04:46,917 --> 01:04:49,151 but not so good at reversing round rocks? 990 01:04:49,252 --> 01:04:52,288 The male defence system is an ink that produces despair. 991 01:04:52,389 --> 01:04:55,524 It seems that the female ink causes the opposite. 992 01:04:55,825 --> 01:04:57,259 What, gives you joy? 993 01:04:57,360 --> 01:04:59,261 That's like attacking something that retaliates 994 01:04:59,362 --> 01:05:01,297 by giving you an Indian head massage 995 01:05:01,398 --> 01:05:03,699 or an aromatherapy luxury nail treatment. 996 01:05:03,800 --> 01:05:06,101 What kind of crazy defence mechanism is that? 997 01:05:06,202 --> 01:05:09,338 Well, it's an ingenious one, sir, because it means you stop attacking it. 998 01:05:09,439 --> 01:05:13,475 Yeah. And while you're all happy-clappy, she scarpers, right? 999 01:05:13,577 --> 01:05:15,077 Precisely, sir. 1000 01:05:18,214 --> 01:05:20,249 How did she get on board? 1001 01:05:23,086 --> 01:05:24,853 I kind of brought her. 1002 01:05:26,890 --> 01:05:29,358 Years ago? From that Ocean planet? 1003 01:05:29,659 --> 01:05:34,330 # I'm going to eat you, little fishy 'cause I like little fish # 1004 01:05:36,499 --> 01:05:40,936 Then she escaped. I knew you guys would get mad, so I didn't say nothing. 1005 01:05:43,139 --> 01:05:44,840 Boy, has she grown? 1006 01:05:45,642 --> 01:05:48,043 So what's going to happen to her? 1007 01:05:48,345 --> 01:05:50,112 I'm thinking sushi time. 1008 01:05:50,213 --> 01:05:52,881 I'm thinking we drop her off at the nearest ocean moon. 1009 01:05:52,983 --> 01:05:54,984 Make some happy sea life. 1010 01:05:57,687 --> 01:06:00,723 CAT: What's going to happen to everybody in the reality we left? 1011 01:06:00,824 --> 01:06:02,591 The guys all watching us on TV. 1012 01:06:02,692 --> 01:06:05,194 Well, they'll continue to exist as a consequence of us 1013 01:06:05,295 --> 01:06:08,364 creating them in our hallucination, sir. It's quantum mechanics. 1014 01:06:08,465 --> 01:06:11,333 Every decision that's made creates a new universe, 1015 01:06:11,434 --> 01:06:15,104 as do all dreams and hallucinations. It's multiverse 101 . 1016 01:06:15,572 --> 01:06:18,107 But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives 1017 01:06:18,208 --> 01:06:21,710 convinced they're the real ones and we're characters from a TV show. 1018 01:06:21,811 --> 01:06:25,414 And you know if you told them the truth, you know what they'd probably do? 1019 01:06:25,515 --> 01:06:27,082 -Laugh. -Yeah. 1020 01:06:27,183 --> 01:06:29,118 (ALL LAUGHING) 1021 01:06:31,221 --> 01:06:32,955 They probably would. 1022 01:06:40,196 --> 01:06:43,132 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 1023 01:06:43,233 --> 01:06:46,835 # I'm all alone, more or less 1024 01:06:46,936 --> 01:06:50,239 # Let me fly far away from here 1025 01:06:50,340 --> 01:06:52,975 # Fun, fun, fun 1026 01:06:53,076 --> 01:06:56,879 # In the sun, sun, sun 1027 01:06:56,980 --> 01:07:00,482 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 1028 01:07:00,583 --> 01:07:03,552 # Drinking fresh mango juice 1029 01:07:03,653 --> 01:07:06,955 # Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes 1030 01:07:07,057 --> 01:07:09,625 # Fun, fun, fun 1031 01:07:09,726 --> 01:07:13,662 # In the sun, sun, sun 1032 01:07:13,763 --> 01:07:16,465 # Fun, fun, fun 1033 01:07:16,566 --> 01:07:20,636 # In the sun, sun, sun #