1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:15,319 - Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together 4 00:00:15,319 --> 00:00:19,715 for the comedy of Mr. Carlos Mencia! 5 00:00:21,978 --> 00:00:26,026 [cheers and applause] 6 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:29,029 [energetic rock music] 7 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:36,297 ♪ ♪ 8 00:00:47,917 --> 00:00:50,137 - You guys are awesome! 9 00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:53,749 [cheers and applause] 10 00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:56,404 I love your attitude. I really do. 11 00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:58,101 This is what I'’m talking about. This is what America needs. 12 00:00:58,101 --> 00:00:59,798 We need to be happy again. 13 00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,583 Too many people out there are, like, unhappy. 14 00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:03,193 And I don'’t know what that'’s like, 15 00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:04,847 '’cause I was born in another country, 16 00:01:04,847 --> 00:01:07,154 and I see America way different than the majority of people. 17 00:01:07,154 --> 00:01:09,156 So, before I even get started, 18 00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:11,288 let me just give you a perspective that'’s mine. 19 00:01:11,288 --> 00:01:12,550 I'’ve been to a lot of other countries, 20 00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:14,509 and I'’m gonna say this straight up-- 21 00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:17,642 the United States of America, on our worst day, 22 00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:21,603 is better than any other country on their best day. 23 00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:23,909 Period. End of story. 24 00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:26,216 End of story! 25 00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:28,000 Period! 26 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,655 [cheers and applause] 27 00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:34,006 It'’s true. 28 00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:35,965 My friend the other day goes, "My life sucks. 29 00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:39,055 I have a 1982 Nissan Sentra." 30 00:01:39,055 --> 00:01:42,493 You got a car, bitch? That'’s not suck. 31 00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:44,756 Suck is when you live in Venezuela 32 00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:47,281 and you see a guy that has a donkey with three legs 33 00:01:47,281 --> 00:01:49,674 and you look at that guy, and you'’re like, 34 00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:53,156 "Man, if only I had a three-legged donkey." 35 00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:59,162 I will give people a ride in a circle on my donkey! 36 00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,252 Are you out of your mind? 37 00:02:02,252 --> 00:02:04,733 If you think America sucks, 38 00:02:04,733 --> 00:02:07,257 that'’s because you'’ve never been to Guatemala. 39 00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:11,479 Trust me on this one. Oh, yeah! 40 00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:14,873 Because we got to see what'’s real, what'’s awesome, 41 00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:17,093 instead of complaining about what we don'’t know about. 42 00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:18,747 You'’ve heard people out there-- 43 00:02:18,747 --> 00:02:19,617 "What'’s wrong with our economy, Carlos?" 44 00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:21,793 Nothing. 45 00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:23,621 "Well, why isn'’t it awesome like it was before?" 46 00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:25,841 Because nothing can be awesome all the time. 47 00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:27,930 It rains sometimes. It snows sometimes. 48 00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,497 There'’s earthquakes sometimes. 49 00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:31,629 Things change, and that'’s normal. 50 00:02:31,629 --> 00:02:33,544 We had a great economy for 20 years. 51 00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,067 Why can'’t we just be happy with that, 52 00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:36,504 instead of, "But what happened?" 53 00:02:36,504 --> 00:02:38,332 Well, it'’s like sex. 54 00:02:38,332 --> 00:02:41,291 Sex is amazing, but you can'’t do it all the time. 55 00:02:41,291 --> 00:02:42,684 And that'’s what happened. 56 00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:45,469 For 20 years, we were having sex with our economy. 57 00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:47,950 20 years, just, "I want a jet ski. 58 00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:51,258 I want a boat. I want a motorcycle." 59 00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,521 [cheers and applause] 60 00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:56,350 Right? And finally we had an orgasm, 61 00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:58,134 and we'’re like, "Don'’t touch it. It'’s sensitive." 62 00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:01,050 That'’s where our economy is. It'’s right there. 63 00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:03,400 We'’re fragile. We'’re fragile. 64 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,228 We'’re fragile. 65 00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:06,708 You want to buy a car? 66 00:03:06,708 --> 00:03:08,971 Don'’t touch it! It'’s sensitive! 67 00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:10,407 How'’s your credit? 68 00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,931 Don'’t touch it! It'’s sensitive! 69 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,200 And maybe it'’s because I was born in Honduras that-- 70 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,984 You know, my friends are like, 71 00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:24,508 "Dude, why do you love America so much?" 72 00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,423 Because if I was in Honduras, 73 00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:29,513 I'’d be the funniest man milking a cow. 74 00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:32,560 [laughter] 75 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,127 That would suck! 76 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:38,740 I'’d be all, "Hey, anybody want to hear a joke?" 77 00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:44,528 [laughter] 78 00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:46,617 She doesn'’t even have milk. I'’m playing with her chi-chis. 79 00:03:51,361 --> 00:03:53,885 '’Cause it'’s the subtle things. You understand that? 80 00:03:53,885 --> 00:03:55,670 It'’s not the big things that we take for granted. 81 00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:58,238 It'’s the subtle things, you know, 82 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,587 and that'’s what you got to worry about-- 83 00:03:59,587 --> 00:04:01,893 the subtle things, the little things. 84 00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:03,721 A friend of mine loves Bush, hates Obama. 85 00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:06,158 My other friend loves Obama, hates Bush. 86 00:04:06,158 --> 00:04:07,812 They were arguing the other day. 87 00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:09,945 "Obama'’s an idiot. He ruined everything." 88 00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:11,903 "What are you talking about, dumbass? 89 00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:14,166 "Obama'’s fixing everything that Bush ruined. 90 00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:16,343 Hey, Carlos, what do you think?" 91 00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,996 "I think that we should just be happy 92 00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:19,433 that we have a president that'’s in office." 93 00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:20,999 "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" 94 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,958 "Well, I'’m from Honduras, bitch, where last year 95 00:04:22,958 --> 00:04:25,177 the president just disappeared." 96 00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:29,878 [laughter and applause] 97 00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,925 A whole country woke up one day and went, 98 00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:35,231 "What happened to him?" 99 00:04:35,231 --> 00:04:37,015 "I don'’t know! 100 00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:40,280 "Last night he was right there, right there, 101 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:44,414 "perotoday he'’s not right there. 102 00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:45,676 I no think he coming back." 103 00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,813 Because you got to have perspective, 104 00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:53,641 and that'’s the problem-- 105 00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:55,425 that people hear a whiny thing, 106 00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:57,122 and they want to go with it and see in perspective. 107 00:04:57,122 --> 00:04:58,994 Get the perspective. 108 00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:01,083 Do you want me to tell you? Our country'’s great. 109 00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:03,520 Do you want me to tell you when we know that our country sucks? 110 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,524 That'’s when Cubans in Miami go to the beach, 111 00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:10,875 get in the water, and swim their ass back to Cuba. 112 00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:15,402 That'’s when our country sucks, all right? 113 00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:16,490 That'’s when we suck. 114 00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:20,755 When there'’s a bunch of people in the water, going, 115 00:05:20,755 --> 00:05:22,452 "Fidel, Fidel!" 116 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,675 And you know who taught me to see this way? 117 00:05:27,675 --> 00:05:30,025 My dad, '’cause my dad is a badass. 118 00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:33,071 My dad'’s a real dude. My dad doesn'’t play games. 119 00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:34,986 He'’s just an honest guy, you know what I mean? 120 00:05:34,986 --> 00:05:36,858 First of all, my dad was born in Honduras, 121 00:05:36,858 --> 00:05:38,729 orphaned at the age of four, okay? 122 00:05:38,729 --> 00:05:41,253 The man worked for money since he was six. 123 00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:43,517 The dude didn'’t wear shoes till he was 12. 124 00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:45,649 He immigrated to America, 125 00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:47,956 moved all his family-- us--to East L.A., 126 00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:50,393 where all the Mexicans treated us like crap, 127 00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,569 because they would say-- and I quote-- 128 00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,266 "Eh, you'’re from farther." 129 00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:00,838 "But I have papers, bitch!" 130 00:06:03,972 --> 00:06:05,887 "I win. I win." 131 00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:14,635 My dad got his thumb cut off in an industrial accident, 132 00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:16,027 and the dude went to work the next day. 133 00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:17,812 That'’s my dad. That'’s my real dad. 134 00:06:17,812 --> 00:06:19,466 You think you have problems, telling your dad, 135 00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:21,076 "Hey, man, life is hard," 136 00:06:21,076 --> 00:06:22,469 and your dad going, "When I was a kid..." 137 00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:23,905 My dad didn'’t even talk. 138 00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:25,385 My dad didn'’t even say anything. 139 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,951 I remember I came home at 16 years old, and I go, 140 00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:29,301 "Hey, Dad, I'’m taking A.P. calculus at school. 141 00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:31,347 "Oh, my God! 142 00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:32,870 That'’s the hardest thing I'’ve ever done in my life!" 143 00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:34,045 My dad would go, "Neh!" 144 00:06:40,269 --> 00:06:43,054 "Why you got to be an asshole, Dad?" 145 00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:46,884 Oh, my God. Here'’s a real one. 146 00:06:46,884 --> 00:06:48,451 You can follow my Twitter feed, and this is real. 147 00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:49,844 I lost my voice in Memphis, Tennessee, 148 00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:51,672 all right, about ten months ago. 149 00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:53,282 I'’m freaking out, because as you know, 150 00:06:53,282 --> 00:06:54,849 my voice is all I got. 151 00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:57,329 This face is doing nothing for my career. 152 00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:59,680 And some of you are like, "Eh." 153 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:00,855 No, let'’s be real. I get it. 154 00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:02,944 Hot chicks come up to me all the time, 155 00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:05,468 and they'’re like, "Oh, my God, you are so funny. 156 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:08,993 I almost peed my pants," and then they just leave, 157 00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:12,780 so this face is doing nothing for me. 158 00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:14,434 I'’m like a stripper when they turn the lights on. 159 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,565 "Hi-- Oh, my God!" 160 00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:18,350 [imitates dinosaur squawking] 161 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:21,702 So I'’m freaking out, right? 162 00:07:21,702 --> 00:07:24,356 I'’m in the car freaking out, and my dad calls me up. 163 00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:26,707 "Hey, what'’s going on? I heard something happened to you." 164 00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,230 [raspy voice] I go, "Dad, I lost my voice. 165 00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:30,014 "I can'’t talk, and I have two shows tonight, 166 00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:31,929 "and I don'’t want to cancel. 167 00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:33,888 "But I don'’t know what to do, because the doctor said 168 00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:35,977 "he'’s gonna give me a steroid shot 169 00:07:35,977 --> 00:07:38,066 "and a cortisone shot right in my throat. 170 00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,807 "And remember when I was ten, 171 00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:41,809 "and I got bit by the dog with rabies, 172 00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:44,376 "and they gave me the 14 shots here on my stomach? 173 00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:48,468 I'’m scared, papi. I don'’t know what to do!" 174 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,470 And my dad goes, "I know it must be hard. 175 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,515 "It must be hard. I can'’t-- 176 00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:56,519 "Is it as hard as not having a thumb, pussy? 177 00:07:56,519 --> 00:08:00,088 "Because I can'’t even hold a microphone! 178 00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:03,221 I can'’t even hold a-- mira, mira!" 179 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,747 "I can'’t even pleasure your mom. 180 00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:08,270 "I don'’t have a trigger for the gun. 181 00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:12,709 You know? I don'’t have it." 182 00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:15,190 "Huh? I have to go like that, and then like that, 183 00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:17,366 and then like that, and then like that." 184 00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,545 "And if she wants me to play with both, 185 00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:26,549 "I have to go like this. I have to go like that. 186 00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:27,942 That'’s how I finger your mom." 187 00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:29,987 "Thanks, Dad." [imitates retching] 188 00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:35,210 You guys laugh. He really says stuff like that! 189 00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:37,386 The dude is a perv. My parents had 18 kids. 190 00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:41,346 They talk about bangin'’ all the time! 191 00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:42,870 I remember I was, like, six years old, 192 00:08:42,870 --> 00:08:44,567 and my dad'’s walking up the stairs, 193 00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:46,743 and he stops, and he goes, "Hey, don'’t come upstairs. 194 00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:48,615 I'’m gonna '’mmm'’ your mom." 195 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,578 That was how I reacted when I was six. 196 00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:58,538 But by the time I was ten, I was a smart-ass. 197 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,583 So my dad was halfway up the stairs, and he goes, 198 00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:03,194 "Hey, don'’t come upstairs. I'’m gonna '’mmm'’ your mom." 199 00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:05,022 I go, "Hey, Dad, I was reading your Playboymagazines, 200 00:09:05,022 --> 00:09:06,807 "and there'’s a good move that you could do 201 00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:09,766 to make Mom have the best orgasm ever." 202 00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:10,985 And he goes, "¿De veras?What do I do?" 203 00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:12,421 I go, "Go like this." 204 00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:18,209 "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!" 205 00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:28,263 But he laughed, 206 00:09:28,263 --> 00:09:30,265 '’cause my dad'’s cool with laughter. 207 00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:32,049 My dad'’s, like, real like that. 208 00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:33,616 And what my dad taught me when I was a kid was, 209 00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:34,704 if you'’re real and you'’re honest, 210 00:09:34,704 --> 00:09:36,793 it'’ll cut through the B.S. 211 00:09:36,793 --> 00:09:38,795 Just stick to it. Right now I'’m gonna tell you a story. 212 00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:40,362 Every man in this room is gonna want to laugh, 213 00:09:40,362 --> 00:09:42,320 but the majority of you won'’t, 214 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,409 because you'’re slaves to the lies that you'’ve told before 215 00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:46,368 and now you can'’t deviate from it, all right? 216 00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,457 Seriously. 217 00:09:48,457 --> 00:09:49,676 Here'’s what happened. All right, I'’m four years old. 218 00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,591 First lesson in "be real to the extreme." 219 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,940 I'’m walking by my mom and dad'’s bedroom. 220 00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:54,594 I stop. I look in. 221 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,422 My mom looks at my dad and goes, "Oye... 222 00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,424 do I look fat in this dress?" 223 00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,601 And my dad goes, "Don'’t be stupid. 224 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,819 You look fat in everything." 225 00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:08,608 See, look at all the guys. "Ha ha, eh... 226 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:11,828 "Uh-uh. No..." 227 00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:17,399 My dad stuck to his guns. Flipped it on my mom. 228 00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:20,663 '’Cause my mom got mad and went, "You'’re an asshole." 229 00:10:20,663 --> 00:10:22,665 "How am I the bad guy? 230 00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,449 "You'’re fat, and I'’m taking you to dinner to get fatter. 231 00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:25,886 How am I the bad guy?" 232 00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,499 "I'’m gonna feed you. Then I'’m gonna '’mmm'’ you. 233 00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:33,763 How am I the bad guy?" 234 00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:36,374 And then my mom goes, "Ay, viejo,you'’re so funny." 235 00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:38,115 Aah! 236 00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:40,640 Mm! 237 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,207 The man'’s a genius... 238 00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:45,862 because when you'’re real like that, that'’s when it'’s fun. 239 00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:47,951 And that'’s a big problem that we have in America-- 240 00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:50,475 an inability to be real with the good and the bad. 241 00:10:50,475 --> 00:10:51,999 Just be real. 242 00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:53,478 Like most of you-- I'’m gonna be real. 243 00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:55,219 Most people out there should not watch the news, 244 00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,091 because you don'’t understand that the news 245 00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:59,963 is there to scare us to watch more news. 246 00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:02,139 That'’s what they'’re good at. That'’s what they'’re amazing at. 247 00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:03,967 You know when it started? 1999. 248 00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:05,795 You remember what they did in 1999? 249 00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:08,493 "Oh, the Y2K bug. Everything with a computer'’s gonna stop. 250 00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:10,278 Every car, everything." 251 00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:13,237 And what did we do? We stayed home and did what? 252 00:11:13,237 --> 00:11:16,806 Watched television. That'’s what we did, like idiots. 253 00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:19,809 "I wonder what'’s gonna happen! I wonder what'’s gonna happen!" 254 00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:24,814 If you don'’t believe me, what did they tell us 255 00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,511 was gonna happen in L.A. today? 256 00:11:26,511 --> 00:11:29,645 "Oh, my God! There'’s gonna be Carmageddon!" 257 00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:33,649 Fuckin'’ nothing! 258 00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:38,349 '’Cause it'’s bullshit, that'’s why. 259 00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:40,743 They scare us. That'’s what they'’re good at. 260 00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:43,877 They scare us. It'’s what they'’re good at! 261 00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,319 Remember last year? What was the scare last year? 262 00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:52,842 The B.P. oil spill. 263 00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:54,626 Remember the words that they were using? 264 00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,672 "It'’s catastrophic. It'’s cataclysmic. 265 00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:58,195 "It'’s apocalyptic. 266 00:11:58,195 --> 00:12:00,023 "This ecosystem will never recover. 267 00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:01,633 "It will take decades, if not centuries, 268 00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:02,896 to find the oil." 269 00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:04,549 The other day, 270 00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:05,768 me and my 4 1/2-year-old son, Luke, 271 00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:07,509 were watching television. 272 00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,424 They went all over the Gulf Coast and took samples. 273 00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:11,426 They couldn'’t find any oil, and they'’re like, 274 00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:13,863 "I don'’t know why we can'’t find the oil." 275 00:12:13,863 --> 00:12:15,647 And my son yells out, "That'’s '’cause there'’s 276 00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:17,911 a lot of water in the ocean!" 277 00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:26,615 "It'’s kind of like when I do pee-pee in your pool." 278 00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:28,617 "Whoa. When you do what, bro? 279 00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:30,967 Don'’t piss in my pool, Luke!" 280 00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:34,057 "But you didn'’t know, Daddy. You didn'’t know! 281 00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:37,452 "'’Cause it'’s a little bit of pee-pee in a lot of water!" 282 00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,589 You know what else I hate about the news? 283 00:12:44,589 --> 00:12:46,461 You notice that no matter what happens, 284 00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:48,028 the only time we'’re all Americans 285 00:12:48,028 --> 00:12:49,681 is after September 11th 286 00:12:49,681 --> 00:12:51,205 or after we kill Osama bin Laden. 287 00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:53,076 Any other time it'’s what? 288 00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:54,861 Are you on the East Coast? Are you on the West Coast? 289 00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,688 Are you on the Right? Are you on the Left? 290 00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:58,690 Are you in a red state? Are you in a blue state? 291 00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:00,910 This is all crap. I want you to know that. 292 00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,607 But people believe it. I was in Cleveland, Ohio. 293 00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:04,827 This guy goes, "Hey, I just want you to know 294 00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:06,394 "that I love your comedy, 295 00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:07,917 "but you should be careful what you say. 296 00:13:07,917 --> 00:13:09,440 This is a red state." 297 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,833 And I'’m like, "No, no, no, no, no. 298 00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,226 This is an American state." 299 00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:13,575 He goes, "Oh, no, it'’s a red state, 300 00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:15,316 and there'’s a difference." 301 00:13:15,316 --> 00:13:17,013 I'’m like, "Really? So you'’re telling me 302 00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:20,016 that if Ahmed, the terrorist, strapped to a bomb, 303 00:13:20,016 --> 00:13:21,713 walks in here right now and goes, 304 00:13:21,713 --> 00:13:23,498 "Look at me, you American Satan pig. 305 00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:26,631 "You kill Osama bin Laden, and I am here to kill you. 306 00:13:26,631 --> 00:13:28,764 "Prepare to die and meet the death, 307 00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:31,593 for I am the bringer of hell." 308 00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:33,290 "Hey, this is a red state." 309 00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:36,859 "Oh, my God, I almost kill you. Are you serious? 310 00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:40,167 "You are kidding me. Really? No! 311 00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:42,996 Rahim! [speaks fake foreign language] 312 00:13:42,996 --> 00:13:45,128 Red state! 313 00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:55,051 And then when they should say something, they don'’t, 314 00:13:55,051 --> 00:13:57,880 '’cause it'’s politically incorrect. 315 00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,926 I don'’t care about political correctness. 316 00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,275 Some jokes even aren'’t about race 317 00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:03,451 as much as they are about melanin content. 318 00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:04,974 Here'’s one example-- 319 00:14:04,974 --> 00:14:06,628 I'’m watching the news the other day, 320 00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,543 and the President of the United States, 321 00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,327 Barack Obama--and some of you might'’ve seen this-- 322 00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:11,894 went in the water in the Gulf Coast 323 00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:14,418 to show us that there'’s no oil in the Gulf Coast. 324 00:14:14,418 --> 00:14:16,551 Beautiful sentiment, but I'’m at home going, 325 00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:18,379 "Isn'’t anybody gonna mention that the President 326 00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:21,599 just might be the wrong race for that specific job?" 327 00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:24,472 Think about it. 328 00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:25,995 Think about it. 329 00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:33,916 Did we seriously send a black guy in the water... 330 00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,353 to show us there'’s no black oil? 331 00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:38,529 Really? 332 00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:40,488 What, did he go in ashy and come out shiny? 333 00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:41,924 Is that how we figured this out? 334 00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:46,233 Don'’t we have a white Vice President? 335 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:49,889 Hey, Biden, get your ass in the water! 336 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:53,631 We need the contrast, bro! 337 00:14:53,631 --> 00:14:57,157 If we ever have a milk spill, the President would be perfect. 338 00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:07,167 Because they don'’t want to mention it. 339 00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:09,386 The other day somebody was talking about immigration 340 00:15:09,386 --> 00:15:11,998 on the news, okay? 341 00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:14,783 That'’s good. Talk about it. 342 00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:17,525 But it'’s always on the Right or on the Left, right? 343 00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:19,919 So right now I'’m in a legal battle 344 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,398 with one of the news networks, right? 345 00:15:21,398 --> 00:15:23,052 I'’m gonna tell you a story, 346 00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:24,488 but I can'’t tell you what news network it is. 347 00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:25,925 Legally I can'’t tell you. 348 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:26,926 What I can tell you is 349 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,318 it starts with a "C," 350 00:15:28,318 --> 00:15:30,016 and it ends with an "N." 351 00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:37,066 See, you know some of you were like, "C-SPAN, C-SPAN. 352 00:15:37,066 --> 00:15:38,198 Bet you it'’s C-SPAN." 353 00:15:43,072 --> 00:15:45,161 So here'’s what it is. 354 00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:47,076 They call you from these news networks, right? 355 00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:49,122 And then they say, "Hey, what side are you on?" 356 00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:50,340 Like, what do you mean what side am I on? 357 00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:51,863 And then they throw things at you, 358 00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:53,822 and you end up having to defend things 359 00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:54,997 that you don'’t believe in because you chose a side 360 00:15:54,997 --> 00:15:56,912 as opposed to talking about a subject. 361 00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:58,827 So, in December, they called me up from this news network, 362 00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:01,612 and they'’re like, "Hey, Carlos, uh, we'’re doing a panel. 363 00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:03,571 "We'’re gonna talk about the things that occurred in 2010, 364 00:16:03,571 --> 00:16:05,660 and we'’d love for you to be a part of it." 365 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,662 I said, "I would love to! What are we gonna talk about?" 366 00:16:07,662 --> 00:16:09,751 And that'’s when the guy got all weird on me. 367 00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:11,231 He'’s like, "Oh, before we get into the subject matter, 368 00:16:11,231 --> 00:16:13,189 I want to know-- what'’s your angle?" 369 00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:15,278 And I'’m like, "Uh, erect." 370 00:16:18,673 --> 00:16:20,153 "No. Where are you coming from?" 371 00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:22,807 "My house. Are these the questions? 372 00:16:22,807 --> 00:16:25,201 '’Cause I'’m gonna kick ass in this interview!" 373 00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:30,641 And he goes, 374 00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:32,339 "All right, let me clarify. 375 00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:34,341 Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" 376 00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:36,996 "I'’m neither." "Well, why not?" 377 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,346 "Because I'’m kind of smart, and I don'’t enjoy being half wrong 378 00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:41,087 all the fuckin'’ time." 379 00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:44,829 [cheers and applause] 380 00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:46,353 Why don'’t you just have the balls 381 00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:48,268 to ask me what you really want to ask me, 382 00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:51,271 which is, am I a liberal or a conservative? 383 00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,795 And he goes, "Well, are you a liberal or conservative?" 384 00:16:53,795 --> 00:16:56,189 And I said, "Yes." 385 00:16:58,278 --> 00:17:00,280 See? See? Look at some of you. 386 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,630 "You'’re still confusing me!" 387 00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:04,284 Well, what are we talking about? 388 00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:06,634 I am a liberal, and I am a conservative. 389 00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,375 Are we talking about my daughter? 390 00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:09,724 '’Cause if we'’re talking about my daughter, 391 00:17:09,724 --> 00:17:11,247 I'’m a staunch conservative that believes 392 00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:13,597 in staunch conservative Judeo-Christian 393 00:17:13,597 --> 00:17:15,208 biblical-based Bible Belt values. 394 00:17:21,388 --> 00:17:23,868 But when it comes to your daughter, I'’m a liberal. 395 00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:26,349 [moaning] 396 00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:33,095 Ta-da! 397 00:17:40,581 --> 00:17:43,105 So I'’m watching this guy, right, on the news. 398 00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:44,933 They'’re talking about immigration. 399 00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,630 And he said something, and nobody called him on it. 400 00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:49,764 Nobody did. I want to be on that panel. 401 00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:52,897 He was a guy who'’s a legislator in Alabama, 402 00:17:52,897 --> 00:17:54,769 and he really said this. He goes... 403 00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:56,292 [southern accent] "I believe in immigration, 404 00:17:56,292 --> 00:17:57,902 "but I also believe the people 405 00:17:57,902 --> 00:17:59,208 "that live in the United States of America 406 00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:00,992 "should make an effort 407 00:18:00,992 --> 00:18:04,257 to learn how to speak English without an accent." 408 00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:12,656 Even my dad was like, "What the fuck did he just say?" 409 00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:14,049 "I don'’t know." 410 00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:19,098 How do you talk smack about how other people speak English 411 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,404 when you just got hit by a "ter-nader"? 412 00:18:21,404 --> 00:18:23,754 Are you kidding me? 413 00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:25,147 Are you kidding me? 414 00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:33,112 Even Cubans in the water are like, 415 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:36,376 "That'’s not how you say '’tornado'’!" 416 00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:43,992 I hate the fact that according to the news, 417 00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:47,604 we'’re only Americans on September 12th. 418 00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:51,434 We'’re only Americans after Osama bin Laden dies. 419 00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:53,349 You'’re only allowed to laugh 420 00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:56,004 at an American of a different race 421 00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:57,875 if you know that race or you'’re of that race. 422 00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,921 That'’s crap. 423 00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:01,792 We'’re all Americans, but we don'’t believe that. 424 00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,490 No. Because people in America 425 00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,579 think that guy from that state 426 00:19:05,579 --> 00:19:07,581 is different from me from this state. 427 00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:09,844 And I know that is a fact, '’cause here'’s what happened, 428 00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:12,194 all right, to prove to me that this is real. 429 00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:14,109 I was in Little Rock, Arkansas, all right? 430 00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:16,851 I got off the highway, bam, I hit a stoplight. 431 00:19:16,851 --> 00:19:19,158 I look over. A woman is giving her man a handy 432 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,724 in the car, all right? 433 00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:22,291 I immediately Tweeted it. 434 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:24,206 "I just pulled into Little Rock, Arkansas, 435 00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,600 and a woman is giving her man a '’handy'’ in the car," all right? 436 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,732 30 seconds, 30 seconds-- 437 00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:32,301 82 responses, and they all said the same thing. 438 00:19:32,301 --> 00:19:33,868 "I bet you that'’s his sister." 439 00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:42,093 And people have those ideas about me 440 00:19:42,093 --> 00:19:43,704 because I'’m from California. 441 00:19:43,704 --> 00:19:46,446 I was in Birmingham, Alabama, 442 00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:48,709 and this guy'’s like, "Hey, man, I love your show. 443 00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:50,580 "I was skeptical at first. I had no idea. 444 00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:51,973 "Your name'’s Carlos. 445 00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:54,323 "I thought you were gonna come up here 446 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:58,980 "and say, '’White people suck'’ and, '’Viva la raza.'’ 447 00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:01,069 "But you'’re an American, damn it--I appreciate that. 448 00:20:01,069 --> 00:20:02,636 "It'’s like you got an attitude like you'’re from here, 449 00:20:02,636 --> 00:20:04,159 but you ain'’t from here." 450 00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:07,293 And he goes, "Where are you from?" 451 00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:08,816 And I'’m like, "California." 452 00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:11,079 I swear to God he goes, "Oh, man, all those fags." 453 00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:12,428 Really, bro? 454 00:20:12,428 --> 00:20:15,866 Seriously? 455 00:20:15,866 --> 00:20:17,259 '’Cause everybody at home, that'’s what happens 456 00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:19,130 when you come to Cali-- you land, and we blow you. 457 00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:20,741 I don'’t know if you know this or not. 458 00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:22,395 And you'’re like, "How you doing? Hey! 459 00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,005 What the hell is going on?" 460 00:20:24,005 --> 00:20:26,094 "Welcome to Cali!" 461 00:20:26,094 --> 00:20:29,706 [imitates laughter] 462 00:20:29,706 --> 00:20:32,622 ♪ This is how we do it ♪ 463 00:20:37,453 --> 00:20:39,238 I don'’t get it, and I don'’t get the fact 464 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,152 that when it comes to immigration, 465 00:20:41,152 --> 00:20:42,458 we'’re not real about this. 466 00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:44,068 Look at what we'’ve become. 467 00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:46,288 "Carlos, immigration is an issue, 468 00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:48,116 "and immigrants are everywhere. 469 00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:50,988 How do we get rid of '’em? Why are they here?" 470 00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:53,121 First of all, immigration is an American problem. 471 00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:55,123 Do you understand that? We created it. 472 00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:57,299 We caused it, not illegals. 473 00:20:57,299 --> 00:20:59,083 "Yeah, but why are they here?" 474 00:20:59,083 --> 00:21:00,998 Well, why don'’t you stop giving '’em jobs, bitch! 475 00:21:00,998 --> 00:21:03,914 That'’s why they'’re here now. That'’s it! 476 00:21:03,914 --> 00:21:06,265 Stop giving '’em jobs, and they won'’t stay. 477 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,788 It'’s that simple. 478 00:21:07,788 --> 00:21:08,963 But you see how a lot of you are like, 479 00:21:08,963 --> 00:21:11,008 "It'’s more complicated than that." 480 00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:12,532 You know why you believe that? Because you watch the news. 481 00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:13,750 And you see all these people complicating 482 00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:15,143 a very simple issue. 483 00:21:15,143 --> 00:21:16,666 I'’m telling you straight up-- 484 00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:18,102 no work, no illegals. 485 00:21:18,102 --> 00:21:20,322 I have proof, okay? 486 00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:22,846 The majority of illegal aliens are from Mexico. 487 00:21:22,846 --> 00:21:24,935 Mexico borders the United States of America 488 00:21:24,935 --> 00:21:26,633 on the north. 489 00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:30,289 But on the south, it actually borders El Salvador 490 00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,551 and Guatemala. 491 00:21:31,551 --> 00:21:33,117 Interestingly enough, 492 00:21:33,117 --> 00:21:35,424 neither El Salvador nor Guatemala 493 00:21:35,424 --> 00:21:38,471 happen to have a fuckin'’ immigration problem! 494 00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:41,865 You know what else they don'’t have? 495 00:21:41,865 --> 00:21:43,214 Work. They don'’t have work! 496 00:21:46,087 --> 00:21:47,654 And you know at least one Mexican went down 497 00:21:47,654 --> 00:21:50,004 and came back to Mexico, and went, "Wow. 498 00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:51,440 Don'’t go down there." 499 00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:56,358 You ever heard of a Cuban swimming 500 00:21:56,358 --> 00:21:57,968 to the Dominican Republic? 501 00:21:59,709 --> 00:22:02,451 No work, no illegals. 502 00:22:02,451 --> 00:22:04,801 The problem is, we want to be victims in this country now. 503 00:22:04,801 --> 00:22:06,455 We really do. 504 00:22:06,455 --> 00:22:08,762 "An illegal alien took my job." 505 00:22:08,762 --> 00:22:10,329 You'’re telling me that some dude that can'’t speak English 506 00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,766 took your job? 507 00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:14,768 I don'’t want to be rude, but how do you lose your job 508 00:22:14,768 --> 00:22:16,422 to a mime? 509 00:22:20,817 --> 00:22:23,124 And I speak Spanish, okay? I get it. 510 00:22:23,124 --> 00:22:25,213 '’Cause Spanish is required sometimes, 511 00:22:25,213 --> 00:22:26,910 and I can'’t imagine what it'’s like 512 00:22:26,910 --> 00:22:28,782 to be some of you people that don'’t speak it, 513 00:22:28,782 --> 00:22:30,479 when you'’re caught in a situation 514 00:22:30,479 --> 00:22:32,351 where you'’re talking to somebody whose accent is so thick, 515 00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:33,830 you just give up and come back later. 516 00:22:33,830 --> 00:22:37,138 I understand that, all right? 517 00:22:37,138 --> 00:22:39,706 I was on my way to Reno, Nevada, okay? 518 00:22:39,706 --> 00:22:41,708 And there'’s a McDonald'’s there, 519 00:22:41,708 --> 00:22:44,798 and the dude working there, he'’s an illegal alien, 520 00:22:44,798 --> 00:22:46,800 straight up. 521 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,932 And I knew this because I drove-- 522 00:22:48,932 --> 00:22:51,065 [laughs] 523 00:22:51,065 --> 00:22:52,980 Okay, I drove up through the drive-through, 524 00:22:52,980 --> 00:22:55,286 and this is exactly what I heard-- 525 00:22:55,286 --> 00:22:57,637 "Welcome to Madonna'’s." 526 00:23:03,425 --> 00:23:05,514 Madonna owns this place? 527 00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:10,476 So I immediately realize I got to order in Spanish, 528 00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:12,391 or this guy'’s gonna give me ketchup, straws, 529 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:14,175 barbecue sauce, and a McFlurry. 530 00:23:14,175 --> 00:23:15,872 I know this is about to happen. 531 00:23:15,872 --> 00:23:17,396 "Hey, what is this?" 532 00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:18,745 "It'’s a McFlurry." 533 00:23:18,745 --> 00:23:20,094 "I said make it in a hurry, bitch. 534 00:23:20,094 --> 00:23:21,530 Are you kidding me?" 535 00:23:23,184 --> 00:23:25,186 [chuckles] 536 00:23:25,186 --> 00:23:28,407 So I order in Spanish, trying to help him out. 537 00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:29,973 He gets mad at me. 538 00:23:29,973 --> 00:23:32,106 Yeah. This is exactly how it went down. 539 00:23:32,106 --> 00:23:34,282 "Welcome to Madonna'’s." 540 00:23:34,282 --> 00:23:37,503 [speaking in Spanish] 541 00:23:41,724 --> 00:23:43,247 And he got-- "Oh, that'’s a bull-chit. 542 00:23:43,247 --> 00:23:45,511 I could-a take-a cha order in Englich." 543 00:23:49,602 --> 00:23:52,996 "Well, you'’re the one working at '’Madonna'’s,'’ sir." 544 00:23:52,996 --> 00:23:56,043 Now, a lot of you people have been in that situation, 545 00:23:56,043 --> 00:23:57,958 and I know how you feel, 546 00:23:57,958 --> 00:24:00,221 because sitting next to me was a guy named Joey Sosa, 547 00:24:00,221 --> 00:24:01,962 who'’s a good friend of mine. 548 00:24:01,962 --> 00:24:03,746 Happens to be of Mexican descent from Corpus Christi, 549 00:24:03,746 --> 00:24:07,271 cannot speak a lick of Spanish, none. 550 00:24:07,271 --> 00:24:10,013 So then he goes, "See, dude? This is my problem. 551 00:24:10,013 --> 00:24:11,537 "What would I do if I wasn'’t with you? 552 00:24:11,537 --> 00:24:12,799 "Thank God you know Spanish. 553 00:24:12,799 --> 00:24:15,062 "And this is why we hate illegal aliens. 554 00:24:15,062 --> 00:24:16,890 "We don'’t care that they'’re here, 555 00:24:16,890 --> 00:24:20,023 "but there is a problem when they work at a place 556 00:24:20,023 --> 00:24:21,808 "where communication skills are required 557 00:24:21,808 --> 00:24:24,724 "and they don'’t even take the time to learn the language. 558 00:24:24,724 --> 00:24:28,075 The least they could do is learn how to speak English." 559 00:24:28,075 --> 00:24:30,164 And I said--and see how some of you are clapping? 560 00:24:30,164 --> 00:24:31,905 I get it, but you people clapping-- 561 00:24:31,905 --> 00:24:33,776 you haven'’t finished the thought. 562 00:24:33,776 --> 00:24:35,996 Finish the thought. That'’s what I said to him. 563 00:24:35,996 --> 00:24:38,128 Take another step. "What do you mean?" 564 00:24:38,128 --> 00:24:40,522 And for you people that clapped, think about this. 565 00:24:40,522 --> 00:24:42,393 What does that guy having that job 566 00:24:42,393 --> 00:24:45,048 say about us Americans? 567 00:24:45,048 --> 00:24:47,573 Nothing? Yes, it does, because that guy who said 568 00:24:47,573 --> 00:24:49,705 "Welcome to Madonna'’s," 569 00:24:49,705 --> 00:24:51,968 out of all the people that applied, 570 00:24:51,968 --> 00:24:55,494 was the best applicant for that position. 571 00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:57,583 [cheers and applause] 572 00:25:04,067 --> 00:25:08,071 How? How? 573 00:25:08,071 --> 00:25:10,596 I want to see the other interviews. 574 00:25:13,990 --> 00:25:15,818 How did he end up with the job? 575 00:25:15,818 --> 00:25:16,906 "Can you say '’welcome to McDonald'’s'’?" 576 00:25:16,906 --> 00:25:19,039 "I love peanut butter, yes, I do!" 577 00:25:21,302 --> 00:25:24,000 "Can you say '’welcome to McDonald'’s'’?" 578 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,350 "Lollipop! I love to lick the lollipop!" 579 00:25:28,352 --> 00:25:29,571 "Can you say '’welcome to McDonald'’s'’?" 580 00:25:29,571 --> 00:25:31,355 "Welcome to Madonna'’s." 581 00:25:31,355 --> 00:25:34,358 Close enough. Get that man a headset! 582 00:25:41,409 --> 00:25:44,673 What do we do? We say things that don'’t make sense. 583 00:25:44,673 --> 00:25:47,328 Do you understand how stupid we sound on the news 584 00:25:47,328 --> 00:25:50,200 to anybody who even knows a little bit about our history 585 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:51,898 when we say things in America like, 586 00:25:51,898 --> 00:25:54,770 "I don'’t mind immigration, 587 00:25:54,770 --> 00:25:57,556 but I do mind illegal immigration"? 588 00:25:57,556 --> 00:26:00,559 No, you don'’t. We'’re America. 589 00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:03,344 Every beautiful thing that we have in this country 590 00:26:03,344 --> 00:26:05,781 was built illegally. 591 00:26:05,781 --> 00:26:09,480 This is not me saying this as a beaner. 592 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,352 I'’m saying this as an American 593 00:26:11,352 --> 00:26:14,224 who accepts the reality of who we are. 594 00:26:14,224 --> 00:26:16,444 White people, when you landed on Plymouth Rock, 595 00:26:16,444 --> 00:26:18,838 you did not have a visa. 596 00:26:26,846 --> 00:26:30,632 And look, all the immigrants are laughing. 597 00:26:30,632 --> 00:26:33,809 Look at all the white people-- "But that was a long time ago." 598 00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:38,292 And some of you don'’t want to laugh 599 00:26:38,292 --> 00:26:39,510 because we'’re in an Indian casino. 600 00:26:39,510 --> 00:26:40,816 I know how it is. 601 00:26:44,646 --> 00:26:46,517 It'’s okay. 602 00:26:46,517 --> 00:26:48,258 All the Indians are like, 603 00:26:48,258 --> 00:26:50,565 "Tell it like it is, Carlos. Tell it like it is." 604 00:26:52,262 --> 00:26:55,091 First of all, let'’s be real. 605 00:26:55,091 --> 00:26:56,571 We don'’t care about Native Americans 606 00:26:56,571 --> 00:26:59,139 in this country, okay? 607 00:26:59,139 --> 00:27:01,141 And see how some of you are like, "Yeah, you do." 608 00:27:01,141 --> 00:27:02,664 No, you don'’t. There is not a person in this room 609 00:27:02,664 --> 00:27:04,448 that after the show-- 610 00:27:04,448 --> 00:27:06,886 you walk out in that casino and hit the jackpot, 611 00:27:06,886 --> 00:27:09,410 not one of you bitches would give the money back to Geronimo 612 00:27:09,410 --> 00:27:11,368 and apologize for taking his shit... 613 00:27:11,368 --> 00:27:14,545 none of you. 614 00:27:14,545 --> 00:27:18,288 And you know what? Neither would I. 615 00:27:18,288 --> 00:27:20,421 I'’d be counting my money like this. 616 00:27:20,421 --> 00:27:22,553 ♪ One little, two little, three little hundreds ♪ 617 00:27:22,553 --> 00:27:24,643 ♪ Four little, five little, six little hundreds ♪ 618 00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:26,601 ♪ Seven little, eight little, nine little hundreds ♪ 619 00:27:26,601 --> 00:27:28,298 [humming] 620 00:27:28,298 --> 00:27:31,345 [imitates Native American call] 621 00:27:35,784 --> 00:27:39,962 '’Cause I at least can admit I'’m an American. 622 00:27:39,962 --> 00:27:42,138 I don'’t care about Indians. 623 00:27:42,138 --> 00:27:44,010 Do you think we care about the feelings 624 00:27:44,010 --> 00:27:45,664 of Native Americans 625 00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:49,493 when we celebrate Columbus Day? 626 00:27:49,493 --> 00:27:53,323 That'’s the day that the white man discovered a land... 627 00:27:53,323 --> 00:27:56,413 where Indians had been living for a few thousand years. 628 00:27:57,937 --> 00:28:00,809 And that'’s the American I want-- 629 00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:04,726 that badass, ballsy American. 630 00:28:04,726 --> 00:28:06,772 And I love that American. 631 00:28:06,772 --> 00:28:09,035 That white man that landed on Plymouth Rock 632 00:28:09,035 --> 00:28:11,080 looked out into America and said, 633 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,474 "We discovered this land." 634 00:28:13,474 --> 00:28:15,998 The Indians on the beach were like, 635 00:28:15,998 --> 00:28:18,522 "I don'’t think he sees us. 636 00:28:18,522 --> 00:28:20,046 "Make some noise!" 637 00:28:20,046 --> 00:28:23,876 [imitates Native American chanting] 638 00:28:23,876 --> 00:28:26,530 "Light a fire! Light a fire!" 639 00:28:34,321 --> 00:28:36,671 Instead what do we do? 640 00:28:36,671 --> 00:28:38,978 We do things like create laws that aren'’t necessary. 641 00:28:38,978 --> 00:28:40,849 We already have the law. 642 00:28:40,849 --> 00:28:42,546 Don'’t hire '’em, they'’re not gonna be here. 643 00:28:42,546 --> 00:28:44,679 But we got to add laws-- Ooh, S.B. 1070 in Arizona. 644 00:28:44,679 --> 00:28:46,246 "If you look, act, or sound like an illegal, 645 00:28:46,246 --> 00:28:48,422 we'’re gonna ask you for your papers." 646 00:28:48,422 --> 00:28:50,076 And I'’m not even kidding you, when that law first passed, 647 00:28:50,076 --> 00:28:53,253 I got over 1,000 phone calls from people, organizations-- 648 00:28:53,253 --> 00:28:56,212 "You need to help us protest. You need to boycott Arizona." 649 00:28:56,212 --> 00:28:57,779 I will do no such thing. 650 00:28:57,779 --> 00:29:00,042 I love that law on a personal level, 651 00:29:00,042 --> 00:29:03,829 because my brother Joseph, who annoys me to no end-- 652 00:29:03,829 --> 00:29:07,571 because how can you live in America for over 45 years 653 00:29:07,571 --> 00:29:09,356 and still say, "How are '’jou'’?" 654 00:29:09,356 --> 00:29:14,143 I don'’t understand it. I don'’t get it. 655 00:29:14,143 --> 00:29:16,015 And that dude moved to Arizona 656 00:29:16,015 --> 00:29:17,843 three months before the law passed. 657 00:29:21,890 --> 00:29:23,283 And I gave him the down payment. 658 00:29:23,283 --> 00:29:26,025 I knew what was gonna happen. 659 00:29:26,025 --> 00:29:29,637 Because, people, he doesn'’t even try. 660 00:29:29,637 --> 00:29:31,160 Whatever you think about me, 661 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:32,466 whatever you think about me, people, I try. 662 00:29:32,466 --> 00:29:35,469 Yeah, 1992, I saw myself on HBO. 663 00:29:35,469 --> 00:29:37,950 I did a joke where I went, "Oh, come on, homes. 664 00:29:37,950 --> 00:29:39,734 You don'’t eat the penis." 665 00:29:39,734 --> 00:29:41,475 And I went, "Oh, my God. 666 00:29:41,475 --> 00:29:42,781 "That accent'’s not gonna sell any tickets 667 00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:45,218 outside of Los Angeles." 668 00:29:45,218 --> 00:29:47,742 So I bought these annunciation tapes, 669 00:29:47,742 --> 00:29:50,266 and I'’m at home trying to be a good American, 670 00:29:50,266 --> 00:29:53,400 going, "Ten dwarves took turns doing handstands 671 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,532 on the carpet." 672 00:29:56,969 --> 00:29:59,319 Yeah. My brother Joseph walks in-- 673 00:29:59,319 --> 00:30:01,103 "Hey, '’eberybody'’! We gonna celebrate tonight! 674 00:30:01,103 --> 00:30:03,845 I pass the test. I become a citizen of the Chunited Estate." 675 00:30:09,764 --> 00:30:13,855 "How did you pass the test? 676 00:30:13,855 --> 00:30:17,293 Was there not a verbal portion of this exam?" 677 00:30:17,293 --> 00:30:18,642 He looked at me right in the face and went, 678 00:30:18,642 --> 00:30:20,122 "It was easy. 679 00:30:20,122 --> 00:30:22,168 They give it to me in E-Spanish." 680 00:30:29,349 --> 00:30:33,353 By the way, that is not a joke. 681 00:30:33,353 --> 00:30:35,442 My brother took the test to become an American 682 00:30:35,442 --> 00:30:37,444 in Spanish. 683 00:30:37,444 --> 00:30:40,969 So you can imagine how happy I was 684 00:30:40,969 --> 00:30:42,318 when I'’m watching CNN 685 00:30:42,318 --> 00:30:44,581 and that woman signs the bill into law. 686 00:30:44,581 --> 00:30:46,583 And 22 seconds later, my phone rings. 687 00:30:46,583 --> 00:30:49,325 It'’s my brother Joseph. I wonder what he has to say. 688 00:30:49,325 --> 00:30:51,893 I hit "answer." I went like this, "Hello?" 689 00:30:51,893 --> 00:30:54,504 This is exactly what I heard come out of his mouth. 690 00:30:54,504 --> 00:30:57,856 "'’Samana'’ bitch!" 691 00:31:04,819 --> 00:31:06,908 "'’Jou'’ know they gonna ask me for my papers." 692 00:31:09,911 --> 00:31:13,262 Ironically, my brother really is an American citizen, 693 00:31:13,262 --> 00:31:15,786 but he is afraid that they'’re gonna ask him for his papers, 694 00:31:15,786 --> 00:31:17,788 so he goes around town 695 00:31:17,788 --> 00:31:21,357 with an American passport in his pocket out of fear. 696 00:31:21,357 --> 00:31:23,751 Yeah. Ironically, I have a friend 697 00:31:23,751 --> 00:31:25,709 who'’s an actual illegal alien, okay? 698 00:31:25,709 --> 00:31:27,711 He'’s a real illegal. 699 00:31:27,711 --> 00:31:30,758 He is not afraid whatsoever of being asked for his papers, 700 00:31:30,758 --> 00:31:32,803 because he happens to be a white guy from England. 701 00:31:35,328 --> 00:31:36,720 Yeah. 702 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:40,159 And he lives in Scottsdale, Arizona. 703 00:31:40,159 --> 00:31:43,510 So, when the law passed, right, 704 00:31:43,510 --> 00:31:45,642 two weeks later I go visit my brother. 705 00:31:45,642 --> 00:31:47,427 I call my friend up. I'’m like, "You want to have lunch?" 706 00:31:47,427 --> 00:31:49,472 He says yes. We'’re having lunch, 707 00:31:49,472 --> 00:31:50,952 I look at him straight in the face and go, 708 00:31:50,952 --> 00:31:52,911 "Hey, man, what are you gonna do, bro? 709 00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:54,564 "S.B. 1070 passed, and they'’re looking for illegals. 710 00:31:54,564 --> 00:31:56,653 "You gonna move out? You gonna go to another state? 711 00:31:56,653 --> 00:31:57,654 What'’s going on?" 712 00:31:57,654 --> 00:31:59,265 In the calmest voice, 713 00:31:59,265 --> 00:32:00,744 he looked at me right in the face and went... 714 00:32:00,744 --> 00:32:03,138 [British accent] "Well, that law is not for me." 715 00:32:07,795 --> 00:32:10,972 [normal voice] "Uh, it'’s exactly for you, wetback." 716 00:32:13,627 --> 00:32:16,412 Oh, come on, he'’s a wetback. Let'’s get that out of the way. 717 00:32:16,412 --> 00:32:18,762 "If we are gonna call Mexicans wetbacks, 718 00:32:18,762 --> 00:32:20,329 "symbolically speaking, 719 00:32:20,329 --> 00:32:23,289 "for crossing a river that wide and that deep, 720 00:32:23,289 --> 00:32:25,900 you crossed the Atlantic, bitch." 721 00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:28,120 [cheers and applause] 722 00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:31,514 "You are a wetback cubed." 723 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,346 He didn'’t even laugh. 724 00:32:37,346 --> 00:32:39,131 He just looked at me right in the face and went, 725 00:32:39,131 --> 00:32:41,481 [British accent] "Carlos, look at me. 726 00:32:41,481 --> 00:32:43,613 "Do you honestly believe that the police 727 00:32:43,613 --> 00:32:45,876 would ever ask me for me papers?" 728 00:32:48,575 --> 00:32:50,229 [normal voice] No, I don'’t, you son of a bitch. 729 00:32:50,229 --> 00:32:53,536 I hate you! God, I hate the truth! 730 00:32:53,536 --> 00:32:55,408 '’Cause at that moment, I realized 731 00:32:55,408 --> 00:32:57,018 that if him and my brother were to get into an altercation, 732 00:32:57,018 --> 00:32:58,846 you know what I mean? 733 00:32:58,846 --> 00:33:00,804 And the cops show up, and they'’re like, 734 00:33:00,804 --> 00:33:01,936 "Break it up right now or you'’re both going to jail. 735 00:33:01,936 --> 00:33:03,024 "I need to know why this went down. 736 00:33:03,024 --> 00:33:05,026 What'’s your side of the story?" 737 00:33:05,026 --> 00:33:06,593 [British accent] "Officer, I'’ll tell you what happened. 738 00:33:06,593 --> 00:33:07,942 "I was walking down the street, minding me own business, 739 00:33:07,942 --> 00:33:09,944 "when from on across the street, 740 00:33:09,944 --> 00:33:11,250 "I heard this bloke yell out, '’Show your papers.'’ 741 00:33:11,250 --> 00:33:13,034 "So I came across the street and showed him 742 00:33:13,034 --> 00:33:14,601 "the same respect he showed me by punching him in the face. 743 00:33:14,601 --> 00:33:16,385 That'’s how this started on my behalf." 744 00:33:16,385 --> 00:33:17,908 [normal voice] "I understand why you did it, sir. 745 00:33:17,908 --> 00:33:19,649 What about you? What'’s your side of the story?" 746 00:33:19,649 --> 00:33:22,130 "Okay. 747 00:33:22,130 --> 00:33:25,525 I'’m gonna tell you '’the troo.'’" 748 00:33:25,525 --> 00:33:27,657 [normal voice] "Show me your papers first, though, please." 749 00:33:30,747 --> 00:33:35,404 "Okay, that'’s bull-chit. That'’s bull-chit!" 750 00:33:35,404 --> 00:33:37,015 "He was talking funny, too, okay? 751 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,843 "He was talking funny, too. 752 00:33:39,843 --> 00:33:43,369 "And sometime he drive on the wrong side of the street. 753 00:33:43,369 --> 00:33:46,111 Ask him about that. Ask him about that." 754 00:33:48,156 --> 00:33:50,941 See, look at some of you-- "Was he dyslexic?" 755 00:33:50,941 --> 00:33:53,683 Whatever. Let'’s just move on. 756 00:33:57,296 --> 00:33:59,254 See, '’cause for me, life is about moments, man, 757 00:33:59,254 --> 00:34:00,821 like this moment. 758 00:34:00,821 --> 00:34:02,431 I'’m trying to make it a great moment. 759 00:34:02,431 --> 00:34:03,389 That'’s what we'’re all about. 760 00:34:03,389 --> 00:34:04,999 I'’m gonna create a moment tomorrow. 761 00:34:04,999 --> 00:34:07,175 You tell me if this is gonna be a fun moment, all right? 762 00:34:07,175 --> 00:34:08,481 I'’m gonna drive down to Tijuana, Mexico, 763 00:34:08,481 --> 00:34:09,873 and right when you cross the border, 764 00:34:09,873 --> 00:34:12,006 there'’s actually not a fence. 765 00:34:12,006 --> 00:34:13,573 A lot of structural stuff. Here'’s what I'’m gonna do. 766 00:34:13,573 --> 00:34:14,835 I'’m gonna walk on the Mexican side of the border 767 00:34:14,835 --> 00:34:16,576 till it becomes a fence. 768 00:34:16,576 --> 00:34:18,360 Then I'’m gonna climb the fence and straddle it. 769 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:20,058 I'’m gonna be half and half, pretending to jump over, 770 00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:22,147 just to get the attention of Border Patrol. 771 00:34:22,147 --> 00:34:24,149 And when that Border Patrol car, which is a Ford Explorer 772 00:34:24,149 --> 00:34:26,238 white SUV with a green stripe on the side... 773 00:34:28,327 --> 00:34:30,459 Look at all the mojados-- "He knows!" 774 00:34:34,202 --> 00:34:35,986 And when that car is right there, 775 00:34:35,986 --> 00:34:37,771 you know what I'’m gonna do? 776 00:34:37,771 --> 00:34:39,425 I'’m gonna hop over and land on American soil. 777 00:34:39,425 --> 00:34:40,774 And I just want to see the look on his face when he goes, 778 00:34:40,774 --> 00:34:43,429 "Hey! This is the United States of America! 779 00:34:43,429 --> 00:34:44,430 It is a sovereign na--" 780 00:34:44,430 --> 00:34:46,954 "Shh! 781 00:34:46,954 --> 00:34:49,609 I am discovering this land." 782 00:34:59,009 --> 00:35:00,924 "I discover your car and your keys. 783 00:35:00,924 --> 00:35:02,970 "Please give them to me. 784 00:35:02,970 --> 00:35:05,755 "Don'’t cry, señor. Someday you will have a casino. 785 00:35:05,755 --> 00:35:07,627 Shh." 786 00:35:07,627 --> 00:35:10,325 Look at all the Indians-- "No! No! No! No!" 787 00:35:13,981 --> 00:35:15,896 Because when we'’re honest, we can be this. 788 00:35:15,896 --> 00:35:18,942 We can be real. We can be honest and real. 789 00:35:18,942 --> 00:35:22,032 And that'’s when we can get the truth out of who we are. 790 00:35:22,032 --> 00:35:23,947 Instead of "what happened?" and "it'’s not my fault," 791 00:35:23,947 --> 00:35:25,949 let'’s be honest. 792 00:35:25,949 --> 00:35:29,127 America, beside of what anybody thinks-- 793 00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,998 Let me tell you something about our country. 794 00:35:30,998 --> 00:35:34,741 Our country is so badass, so awesome, so-- 795 00:35:34,741 --> 00:35:36,308 We have a food network. 796 00:35:38,353 --> 00:35:40,050 Other countries don'’t even have food. 797 00:35:40,050 --> 00:35:43,010 Do you see the difference? 798 00:35:43,010 --> 00:35:45,621 People in other countries watch our food network 799 00:35:45,621 --> 00:35:48,711 like we watch the porn channel... 800 00:35:48,711 --> 00:35:51,932 in utter disbelief of what they'’re seeing. 801 00:35:51,932 --> 00:35:55,675 You ever watch porn, and you masturbate under protest? 802 00:35:55,675 --> 00:35:57,459 '’Cause you'’re looking at it and going, "All right. 803 00:35:57,459 --> 00:36:00,506 "I'’m gonna do it, but I just want it for the record-- 804 00:36:00,506 --> 00:36:02,290 "there is no way that the gardener 805 00:36:02,290 --> 00:36:03,987 "is getting that kind of quality ass. 806 00:36:03,987 --> 00:36:07,948 I don'’t believe it. I don'’t believe it!" 807 00:36:07,948 --> 00:36:09,863 That'’s what they'’re doing in other countries. 808 00:36:09,863 --> 00:36:12,257 "Oh, there cannot be that many Bundt cakes." 809 00:36:16,174 --> 00:36:20,047 "Oh, look at all those eggs! Look at all those eggs!" 810 00:36:25,879 --> 00:36:27,750 Do you want me to tell you how awesome our country is? 811 00:36:27,750 --> 00:36:29,535 And you got to think about this for a second, 812 00:36:29,535 --> 00:36:31,319 because when I say it, 813 00:36:31,319 --> 00:36:32,625 it'’s not gonna make any sense to you, 814 00:36:32,625 --> 00:36:34,540 because we have nothing to compare it to. 815 00:36:34,540 --> 00:36:36,106 But think about other countries, 816 00:36:36,106 --> 00:36:38,108 and you'’ll understand what I'’m saying. 817 00:36:38,108 --> 00:36:40,415 America is so amazing, 818 00:36:40,415 --> 00:36:44,245 we actually have fat poor people. 819 00:36:47,117 --> 00:36:48,902 And look how a lot of you are like, 820 00:36:48,902 --> 00:36:52,297 "I don'’t understand why that'’s funny." 821 00:36:52,297 --> 00:36:55,125 Because in other countries, it'’s not like that. 822 00:36:55,125 --> 00:36:59,173 We know you'’re poor in Africa because you look like that. 823 00:37:00,566 --> 00:37:02,176 Like that with a head. 824 00:37:11,838 --> 00:37:14,232 Aha! You see how you recognized the fly swatting? 825 00:37:21,108 --> 00:37:23,284 And by the way, 826 00:37:23,284 --> 00:37:26,809 I'’m not telling you this so you'’ll feel guilty about it. 827 00:37:26,809 --> 00:37:30,857 I'’m not that comedian. Good for you if you'’re fat. 828 00:37:30,857 --> 00:37:33,294 Seriously. 829 00:37:33,294 --> 00:37:36,210 You'’re calorie-rich, bitch! 830 00:37:36,210 --> 00:37:38,081 Yes! 831 00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:45,001 But we need to put it in perspective, 832 00:37:45,001 --> 00:37:47,917 because there'’s people out there that say stupid things like, 833 00:37:47,917 --> 00:37:49,615 "Well, in other countries..." 834 00:37:49,615 --> 00:37:51,356 I don'’t want to hear about other countries. 835 00:37:51,356 --> 00:37:53,923 Do you want me to tell you why? Because we'’re Americans. 836 00:37:53,923 --> 00:37:56,186 And we'’re different than every other country, 837 00:37:56,186 --> 00:37:59,059 because we'’re the crazy people of every other country. 838 00:37:59,059 --> 00:38:01,670 Normal Mexicans are in Mexico. 839 00:38:01,670 --> 00:38:04,412 Normal white people are in Europe. 840 00:38:04,412 --> 00:38:07,937 We'’re not those people. We are the crazy people. 841 00:38:07,937 --> 00:38:10,549 That'’s why we come up with ideas that nobody else does. 842 00:38:10,549 --> 00:38:13,073 We live in a country where a redneck got drunk off his ass, 843 00:38:13,073 --> 00:38:14,770 woke up with his robe on backwards, 844 00:38:14,770 --> 00:38:16,337 looked at his friend, and went, 845 00:38:16,337 --> 00:38:19,166 "Hey, I'’m gonna call this a Snuggie and sell it. 846 00:38:19,166 --> 00:38:20,950 What do you think?" 847 00:38:31,787 --> 00:38:33,223 We'’re crazy. 848 00:38:35,748 --> 00:38:38,185 Why do you think that we'’re the only country in the world 849 00:38:38,185 --> 00:38:42,232 that doesn'’t embrace soccer as its national sport? 850 00:38:42,232 --> 00:38:44,800 Do you know why? It'’s not true. It'’s not. 851 00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:46,236 You'’re telling me that we embrace soccer 852 00:38:46,236 --> 00:38:47,760 as our national sport? 853 00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:49,327 No, we don'’t, and do you know why? 854 00:38:49,327 --> 00:38:51,590 - Bullshit! - It'’s bullshit that we don'’t? 855 00:38:51,590 --> 00:38:55,158 No, it'’s bullshit that you want us to. 856 00:38:55,158 --> 00:38:58,814 [cheers and applause] 857 00:39:02,557 --> 00:39:04,124 And let me tell you why-- 858 00:39:04,124 --> 00:39:07,040 because it'’s not the actual sport itself. 859 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:09,042 See, that'’s your problem. 860 00:39:09,042 --> 00:39:10,565 You like the sport, and you want the rest of us to enjoy it. 861 00:39:10,565 --> 00:39:11,958 That'’s not what we hate, 862 00:39:11,958 --> 00:39:15,048 because football is just an involved-- 863 00:39:15,048 --> 00:39:18,921 It'’s actually called "football" everywhere else except for here. 864 00:39:18,921 --> 00:39:21,359 Basketball is just soccer with hoops. 865 00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:24,144 Hockey is just soccer with ice on sticks. 866 00:39:24,144 --> 00:39:26,799 So why is it that we like those sports but not soccer? 867 00:39:26,799 --> 00:39:29,062 And you want me to tell you why? Because we'’re America. 868 00:39:29,062 --> 00:39:31,020 And we believe in winning and losing, 869 00:39:31,020 --> 00:39:32,848 but we do not believe in mediocrity. 870 00:39:32,848 --> 00:39:35,851 And what we hate about soccer is a tie. 871 00:39:35,851 --> 00:39:37,723 That'’s what we hate about soccer. 872 00:39:37,723 --> 00:39:41,204 No ties. We don'’t like '’em. 873 00:39:41,204 --> 00:39:42,945 No! 874 00:39:42,945 --> 00:39:44,077 No tie! 875 00:39:47,515 --> 00:39:49,038 Could you imagine what would happen 876 00:39:49,038 --> 00:39:51,040 if you went to a baseball game, 877 00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:55,262 and, at the end of nine innings, it'’s tied... 878 00:39:55,262 --> 00:39:57,046 and everybody starts walking off the field? 879 00:39:57,046 --> 00:39:58,439 You'’d be like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. 880 00:39:58,439 --> 00:40:01,268 what'’s going on here?" 881 00:40:01,268 --> 00:40:02,748 "The game is over." 882 00:40:02,748 --> 00:40:06,273 "Nothing is over!" 883 00:40:06,273 --> 00:40:09,407 I paid $42 for two beers and nachos. 884 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:14,368 You will get the fuck back on the field now! 885 00:40:14,368 --> 00:40:17,197 Get out there, now. 886 00:40:17,197 --> 00:40:20,200 [cheers and applause] 887 00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:22,855 There will be a winner and a loser! 888 00:40:24,334 --> 00:40:25,988 That'’s what we hate. 889 00:40:25,988 --> 00:40:27,555 And for all the intelligent people in here 890 00:40:27,555 --> 00:40:29,557 who think I just went to a visceral joke 891 00:40:29,557 --> 00:40:31,080 to get a visceral reaction, 892 00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:33,256 fine-- I'’ll talk to you. 893 00:40:37,130 --> 00:40:38,261 - Talk to me, fucker! 894 00:40:38,261 --> 00:40:40,873 - Why do you think 895 00:40:40,873 --> 00:40:44,354 that we haven'’t left Iraq or Afghanistan yet, 896 00:40:44,354 --> 00:40:46,618 being that if we leave today, 897 00:40:46,618 --> 00:40:49,795 we didn'’t lose? 898 00:40:49,795 --> 00:40:51,579 You want me to tell you why? 899 00:40:51,579 --> 00:40:54,800 Because we didn'’t win either. That'’s why. 900 00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:56,584 Because we believe in winning. 901 00:40:56,584 --> 00:40:58,847 And when we leave Iraq and we leave Afghanistan, 902 00:40:58,847 --> 00:41:01,023 the world will know that we won. 903 00:41:01,023 --> 00:41:05,027 Because Vietnam left the taste of ass in our mouth, 904 00:41:05,027 --> 00:41:06,768 that we never want again. 905 00:41:06,768 --> 00:41:09,815 We will win. And you know what happened? 906 00:41:09,815 --> 00:41:11,251 A lot of people forgot about that. 907 00:41:11,251 --> 00:41:13,035 A lot of people thought 908 00:41:13,035 --> 00:41:14,602 we'’re really politically correct America 909 00:41:14,602 --> 00:41:16,256 who doesn'’t tell gay jokes. 910 00:41:16,256 --> 00:41:18,040 No, that'’s not who we really are. 911 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:19,999 America is really a country 912 00:41:19,999 --> 00:41:22,392 that when we say we'’re gonna do something, we do it, 913 00:41:22,392 --> 00:41:24,394 even if it takes us ten years. 914 00:41:24,394 --> 00:41:27,397 I guarantee you Osama bin Laden was chillin'’, 915 00:41:27,397 --> 00:41:29,051 thinking the same thing. 916 00:41:29,051 --> 00:41:31,140 "Oh, the American people forgot about me. 917 00:41:31,140 --> 00:41:32,751 Ten years. They'’re not even looking." 918 00:41:32,751 --> 00:41:34,274 Knock, knock. "Who'’s there?" 919 00:41:34,274 --> 00:41:36,189 "Us, bitch, that'’s who'’s there. 920 00:41:36,189 --> 00:41:38,408 "Us! America! 921 00:41:38,408 --> 00:41:42,195 Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" 922 00:41:42,195 --> 00:41:44,632 [cheers and applause] 923 00:41:44,632 --> 00:41:50,377 Navy SEAL Team 6, bitch! 924 00:41:50,377 --> 00:41:53,815 And that'’s how crazy America is. 925 00:41:53,815 --> 00:41:57,950 Why did we send Navy SEALs instead of the Special Forces? 926 00:41:57,950 --> 00:42:00,735 Because we knew that farther away 927 00:42:00,735 --> 00:42:03,172 the Navy SEALs got from water, 928 00:42:03,172 --> 00:42:05,914 the more angry these son of a bitches became! 929 00:42:05,914 --> 00:42:08,395 That'’s why! 930 00:42:08,395 --> 00:42:09,744 By the time they got to the desert, 931 00:42:09,744 --> 00:42:11,659 they were like, "Shoot the bitches!" 932 00:42:11,659 --> 00:42:12,965 [imitates gunfire] 933 00:42:15,271 --> 00:42:16,577 Do you want me to tell you how crazy they were? 934 00:42:16,577 --> 00:42:18,448 They blew up their own helicopter! 935 00:42:21,321 --> 00:42:24,803 "We need to get back to the water now!" 936 00:42:24,803 --> 00:42:26,369 "What do we do with Osama'’s body?" 937 00:42:26,369 --> 00:42:27,980 "Put it in the ocean!" 938 00:42:32,332 --> 00:42:34,464 And look at all the Republicans that want to laugh, 939 00:42:34,464 --> 00:42:37,206 but you can'’t... 940 00:42:37,206 --> 00:42:39,252 '’cause that was a sad day for Republicans, bro. 941 00:42:41,733 --> 00:42:43,430 It was a happy five seconds. 942 00:42:43,430 --> 00:42:46,215 Then all Republicans got a text or a phone call. 943 00:42:46,215 --> 00:42:48,087 "Hey, Osama bin Laden'’s dead." 944 00:42:48,087 --> 00:42:50,002 And you know what you did. You turned on the news. 945 00:42:50,002 --> 00:42:52,265 And it said "Osama bin Laden Dead," 946 00:42:52,265 --> 00:42:55,485 and you Republicans went, "Yes, we got that son of a bitch, 947 00:42:55,485 --> 00:42:57,139 '’cause we'’re America." 948 00:42:57,139 --> 00:42:58,706 Then you realized what that really meant, 949 00:42:58,706 --> 00:43:02,492 and you went, "Son of a bitch! 950 00:43:02,492 --> 00:43:04,233 "Obama'’s gonna win again! 951 00:43:04,233 --> 00:43:07,976 No! No!" 952 00:43:07,976 --> 00:43:10,849 [whining] 953 00:43:18,465 --> 00:43:19,727 And you know somewhere Bush was going, 954 00:43:19,727 --> 00:43:21,860 "I thought he was in a cave." 955 00:43:26,299 --> 00:43:28,257 And you know Obama'’s pissed at himself. 956 00:43:28,257 --> 00:43:30,085 "Ugh!" 957 00:43:30,085 --> 00:43:33,393 The timing of the President was off by days. 958 00:43:33,393 --> 00:43:35,787 Could you imagine if his timing had been right 959 00:43:35,787 --> 00:43:37,745 what he could'’ve done? 960 00:43:37,745 --> 00:43:39,573 He could'’ve come out and looked at America and said, 961 00:43:39,573 --> 00:43:41,227 "I am Barack Obama, 962 00:43:41,227 --> 00:43:43,185 "President of the United States of America, 963 00:43:43,185 --> 00:43:45,579 "and I set the orders to kill Osama bin Laden, 964 00:43:45,579 --> 00:43:47,973 "illegally, in a foreign, sovereign nation, 965 00:43:47,973 --> 00:43:49,757 "without their permission, 966 00:43:49,757 --> 00:43:51,237 "and against the Constitution, 967 00:43:51,237 --> 00:43:54,022 "which says we should never assassinate somebody. 968 00:43:54,022 --> 00:43:57,547 "I sent our Navy SEALs on a team to kill. 969 00:43:57,547 --> 00:43:58,940 "But not only that. 970 00:43:58,940 --> 00:44:01,203 Osama bin Laden is not only dead..." 971 00:44:01,203 --> 00:44:03,728 And then he could'’ve actually had a picture 972 00:44:03,728 --> 00:44:06,295 of dead Osama bin Laden 973 00:44:06,295 --> 00:44:08,776 holding the President'’s birth certificate. 974 00:44:17,437 --> 00:44:19,526 That would'’ve been the bomb! 975 00:44:21,223 --> 00:44:22,790 Oh, my God, at that point, 976 00:44:22,790 --> 00:44:24,400 he wouldn'’t have even had to talk. 977 00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:27,186 He would'’ve just whipped it out and walked away. 978 00:44:42,723 --> 00:44:44,029 It'’s accepted. 979 00:44:45,813 --> 00:44:47,815 Instead what do we have? 980 00:44:47,815 --> 00:44:49,425 People that want to hate their own country. 981 00:44:49,425 --> 00:44:52,864 "We'’re an imperialist nation," and this and that. 982 00:44:52,864 --> 00:44:54,387 First of all, other countries are gonna hate us 983 00:44:54,387 --> 00:44:55,823 no matter what we do. 984 00:44:55,823 --> 00:44:57,172 You want me to tell you why? 985 00:44:57,172 --> 00:44:58,478 Because they think we'’re arrogant. 986 00:44:58,478 --> 00:45:00,480 And you know why they think we'’re arrogant? 987 00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:01,829 Because we'’re Americans, and our lives are so amazing 988 00:45:01,829 --> 00:45:02,830 that when we go to other countries, 989 00:45:02,830 --> 00:45:04,702 we think they live like us. 990 00:45:04,702 --> 00:45:06,660 So we ask them for things that we think are normal, 991 00:45:06,660 --> 00:45:08,227 but they'’re not normal. 992 00:45:08,227 --> 00:45:09,707 So then they get mad at us. 993 00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:11,186 Like air-conditioning. 994 00:45:11,186 --> 00:45:13,885 Air-conditioning is normal in America--in anywhere. 995 00:45:13,885 --> 00:45:15,234 You could go to a trailer park. 996 00:45:15,234 --> 00:45:17,018 These sons of bitches got little A.C.s-- 997 00:45:17,018 --> 00:45:19,629 everywhere we go. 998 00:45:19,629 --> 00:45:21,196 But it ain'’t like that in other countries. 999 00:45:21,196 --> 00:45:22,981 And I know some of you right now are going, 1000 00:45:22,981 --> 00:45:24,460 "Well, I'’ve been to Mexico, and they had air conditioners." 1001 00:45:24,460 --> 00:45:26,288 No, you'’ve never been to Mexico. 1002 00:45:26,288 --> 00:45:29,727 You went to Cancun or Mazatlan or Puerto Vallarta. 1003 00:45:29,727 --> 00:45:32,947 That'’s Little America in Mexico. That'’s what that is. 1004 00:45:32,947 --> 00:45:34,732 If you really want to go to Mexico, 1005 00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:36,255 the next time you go to Cabo, 1006 00:45:36,255 --> 00:45:38,126 get in a cab and tell the Mexican driver, 1007 00:45:38,126 --> 00:45:41,129 "Hey, señor, take me to the real Mexico." 1008 00:45:41,129 --> 00:45:45,786 He'’ll be like, "Are you sure?" 1009 00:45:45,786 --> 00:45:47,832 "It no look like this!" 1010 00:45:51,270 --> 00:45:53,576 I wanted to go to Jamaica. 1011 00:45:53,576 --> 00:45:56,014 My friend'’s like, "Don'’t go to the regular Jamaica. 1012 00:45:56,014 --> 00:45:58,364 Go to the real Jamaica where we go." 1013 00:45:58,364 --> 00:46:00,105 And my stupid ass-- 1014 00:46:00,105 --> 00:46:01,628 "I'’m gonna go to the real Jamaica!" 1015 00:46:01,628 --> 00:46:03,891 Dumb ass. 1016 00:46:03,891 --> 00:46:05,850 I get there, and it'’s hot as balls. 1017 00:46:05,850 --> 00:46:07,547 And I'’m not-- 1018 00:46:07,547 --> 00:46:09,636 I'’m trying really hard not to be that American 1019 00:46:09,636 --> 00:46:11,029 that goes and complains, 1020 00:46:11,029 --> 00:46:12,552 but let me tell you what happened. 1021 00:46:12,552 --> 00:46:14,684 A bead of sweat developed right here 1022 00:46:14,684 --> 00:46:16,338 on the top of my head, and it rolled down, 1023 00:46:16,338 --> 00:46:19,428 and it got bigger, and it rolled down and down, 1024 00:46:19,428 --> 00:46:21,430 and when it hit my asshole, I went, "That'’s enough. 1025 00:46:21,430 --> 00:46:23,998 That is enough! No!" 1026 00:46:25,739 --> 00:46:27,001 I went to the front desk, and I'’m like-- 1027 00:46:27,001 --> 00:46:28,655 Seriously, this is not a joke. 1028 00:46:28,655 --> 00:46:30,222 "I don'’t care how much money it costs. 1029 00:46:30,222 --> 00:46:33,225 I want the room with an air conditioner." 1030 00:46:33,225 --> 00:46:35,227 The guy laughed in my face. 1031 00:46:35,227 --> 00:46:38,143 [imitates laughter] 1032 00:46:38,143 --> 00:46:41,494 [Jamaican accent] Dis boy want an air condition-ah!" 1033 00:46:43,452 --> 00:46:45,977 [exhales deeply] 1034 00:46:51,721 --> 00:46:53,723 "Did ya feel da breeze?" 1035 00:46:59,729 --> 00:47:01,906 [normal voice] You would think that the cradle, right, 1036 00:47:01,906 --> 00:47:04,169 the birthplace of our civilization--Europe-- 1037 00:47:04,169 --> 00:47:06,388 would be just like us or even better, 1038 00:47:06,388 --> 00:47:08,564 '’cause they had a head start on us, but, no. 1039 00:47:08,564 --> 00:47:10,784 You ever go to Europe, get used to a couple things. 1040 00:47:10,784 --> 00:47:12,568 Buildings with no elevators '’cause they'’re old. 1041 00:47:12,568 --> 00:47:14,614 Buildings with no A.C. '’cause they'’re old. 1042 00:47:14,614 --> 00:47:17,660 A lot of warm beverages, and interestingly enough, 1043 00:47:17,660 --> 00:47:20,707 if you'’re lucky to get ice, they'’re gonna put three cubes, 1044 00:47:20,707 --> 00:47:22,274 and you better be happy. 1045 00:47:22,274 --> 00:47:24,580 Don'’t be an idiot like I was 1046 00:47:24,580 --> 00:47:26,800 when I was in France and the guy gave me three cubes, 1047 00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:28,106 and I'’m like, "I'’m sorry, monsieur. 1048 00:47:28,106 --> 00:47:30,412 Uh, can I have some more ice, please?" 1049 00:47:30,412 --> 00:47:32,153 [French accent] "Oh, ze American asshole 1050 00:47:32,153 --> 00:47:34,155 wants more fuckin'’ ice, huh?" 1051 00:47:37,332 --> 00:47:38,856 [normal voice] "Is it harder to freeze water 1052 00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:41,380 "in this part of the world or something? 1053 00:47:41,380 --> 00:47:43,164 "Because I asked for ice, not a penguin. 1054 00:47:43,164 --> 00:47:46,167 I don'’t understand your reaction." 1055 00:47:46,167 --> 00:47:47,952 And he looks at me, and he goes, 1056 00:47:47,952 --> 00:47:49,649 [French accent] "You are a typical American asshole. 1057 00:47:49,649 --> 00:47:51,564 Suce le." 1058 00:47:51,564 --> 00:47:53,435 [normal voice] Yeah. And I went, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1059 00:47:53,435 --> 00:47:54,828 "Don'’t ever tell me to '’suck it'’ in French, 1060 00:47:54,828 --> 00:47:56,438 assuming that I don'’t know your language." 1061 00:47:56,438 --> 00:47:59,877 [speaking in French] 1062 00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:01,879 Yeah. 1063 00:48:01,879 --> 00:48:03,881 He'’s like, "Oh, really?" 1064 00:48:03,881 --> 00:48:05,012 I'’m like, "Oui, oui. 1065 00:48:05,012 --> 00:48:08,320 "Listen, bro... 1066 00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:11,366 "I believe we started off on the wrong foot. 1067 00:48:11,366 --> 00:48:12,846 "Why are you upset that I asked you for ice, 1068 00:48:12,846 --> 00:48:14,108 "being that I think it'’s really meaningless, 1069 00:48:14,108 --> 00:48:15,762 and I don'’t understand this? 1070 00:48:15,762 --> 00:48:17,764 And he goes, "I will tell you ze problem. 1071 00:48:17,764 --> 00:48:19,244 "People come to France from all over ze world, 1072 00:48:19,244 --> 00:48:21,202 "and they ask for a cold beverage, 1073 00:48:21,202 --> 00:48:23,422 "but ze only people who complain are ze Americans. 1074 00:48:23,422 --> 00:48:25,119 "Why? Why is this, eh? 1075 00:48:25,119 --> 00:48:27,817 "Do you see that black man? He is from Africa. 1076 00:48:27,817 --> 00:48:30,820 "He asked for a cold beverage. We give him three cubes. 1077 00:48:30,820 --> 00:48:34,476 Look at how happy he is. Why is he so happy?" 1078 00:48:34,476 --> 00:48:36,130 "Because he'’s from Africa, 1079 00:48:36,130 --> 00:48:37,740 and he'’s probably never seen ice before." 1080 00:48:39,568 --> 00:48:41,483 He'’s probably gonna call his friends and be like, 1081 00:48:41,483 --> 00:48:44,399 "Unbuntu, you are not going to believe dis. 1082 00:48:49,448 --> 00:48:51,624 "Dey froze water! 1083 00:48:55,715 --> 00:48:58,500 Like a rock! Like a rock!" 1084 00:49:03,201 --> 00:49:06,813 "I, sir, on the other hand, am not impressed by ice. 1085 00:49:06,813 --> 00:49:08,510 "But it doesn'’t come from a place of arrogance 1086 00:49:08,510 --> 00:49:10,382 "like you think. 1087 00:49:10,382 --> 00:49:12,123 "It comes from a place of humility. 1088 00:49:12,123 --> 00:49:14,125 "You see, in America, we expect a nice restaurant like this 1089 00:49:14,125 --> 00:49:15,865 "to have ice, and do you want me to tell you why? 1090 00:49:15,865 --> 00:49:17,737 "Because in America, when we go out to eat, 1091 00:49:17,737 --> 00:49:19,957 "not at the great restaurants, not at the good ones, 1092 00:49:19,957 --> 00:49:22,742 "not at the okay ones, not at the mediocre ones, 1093 00:49:22,742 --> 00:49:25,179 "but at the crappiest ones we have, 1094 00:49:25,179 --> 00:49:27,834 "they actually don'’t give us a beverage, 1095 00:49:27,834 --> 00:49:30,619 "nor do they give us ice. 1096 00:49:30,619 --> 00:49:32,534 "They actually give us an empty cup 1097 00:49:32,534 --> 00:49:35,581 and point us to this magical machine." 1098 00:49:37,626 --> 00:49:41,239 "And we put it in, and ice just comes out of it!" 1099 00:49:44,459 --> 00:49:45,983 And for some reason, toward the end, 1100 00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:49,769 a big chunk falls in. 1101 00:49:49,769 --> 00:49:51,771 Right? It does. And by the time you pull out, 1102 00:49:51,771 --> 00:49:55,514 you'’re like, "There'’s way too much ice in here." 1103 00:49:55,514 --> 00:49:58,604 So we pour some of it out! 1104 00:50:01,868 --> 00:50:03,217 And then we fill it up with Diet Coke, 1105 00:50:03,217 --> 00:50:04,131 '’cause we'’re really fat. 1106 00:50:08,396 --> 00:50:11,008 By the way, that joke is gonna be hysterical 1107 00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:12,357 the next time you go to one of those places, 1108 00:50:12,357 --> 00:50:13,923 and you'’re about to get it, 1109 00:50:13,923 --> 00:50:16,752 and you see all the ice under the grate. 1110 00:50:16,752 --> 00:50:18,537 People are gonna be like, "Why are you laughing?" 1111 00:50:18,537 --> 00:50:20,365 "You don'’t understand. The guy was like, 1112 00:50:20,365 --> 00:50:22,367 "'’Three cubes, three cubes.'’ 1113 00:50:22,367 --> 00:50:23,803 "And the African is like, 1114 00:50:23,803 --> 00:50:25,413 "'’You are not going to believe this. 1115 00:50:25,413 --> 00:50:26,197 You are not going to believe this.'’" 1116 00:50:29,722 --> 00:50:32,029 Who are we instead, huh? 1117 00:50:32,029 --> 00:50:34,814 We'’re the people that want to complain about everything now. 1118 00:50:34,814 --> 00:50:37,556 We'’re the people that want to bitch our way into success. 1119 00:50:37,556 --> 00:50:40,254 And when people like me make fun of idiots-- 1120 00:50:40,254 --> 00:50:41,603 "You'’re mean, Carlos." 1121 00:50:41,603 --> 00:50:43,475 It'’s not that I'’m mean. 1122 00:50:43,475 --> 00:50:45,694 It'’s that somebody has to talk to these people, 1123 00:50:45,694 --> 00:50:47,914 because if we don'’t tell people when they make mistakes, 1124 00:50:47,914 --> 00:50:49,611 they'’re just gonna repeat '’em over and over again. 1125 00:50:49,611 --> 00:50:51,918 As an example, why can'’t we talk about 1126 00:50:51,918 --> 00:50:53,311 the people that lost their houses? 1127 00:50:53,311 --> 00:50:54,834 "Oh, they lost their houses." 1128 00:50:54,834 --> 00:50:55,965 Yeah, but why did they lose their houses? 1129 00:50:55,965 --> 00:50:57,619 Can we talk about that? 1130 00:50:57,619 --> 00:50:59,491 "Well, why didn'’t any smart people know 1131 00:50:59,491 --> 00:51:01,754 "or predict that this economic downfall would occur 1132 00:51:01,754 --> 00:51:04,235 with regard to the mortgage crisis?" 1133 00:51:04,235 --> 00:51:07,194 Uh, because smart people never thought, 1134 00:51:07,194 --> 00:51:09,849 never even fathomed that that many million Americans 1135 00:51:09,849 --> 00:51:12,243 would buy a house they couldn'’t fuckin'’ afford. 1136 00:51:13,983 --> 00:51:15,681 That'’s why. 1137 00:51:17,639 --> 00:51:19,685 And see? 1138 00:51:19,685 --> 00:51:21,426 Look at all the people that aren'’t clapping. 1139 00:51:24,211 --> 00:51:26,953 "You'’re mean, Carlos." That'’s not it! 1140 00:51:26,953 --> 00:51:28,737 It'’s that, where is there personal responsibility 1141 00:51:28,737 --> 00:51:30,087 for what we do? 1142 00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:31,784 I got a heart, and I have a brain. 1143 00:51:31,784 --> 00:51:33,177 The problem with me is my brain and my heart 1144 00:51:33,177 --> 00:51:34,656 are always fighting, okay? 1145 00:51:34,656 --> 00:51:36,484 '’Cause here'’s what happens. 1146 00:51:36,484 --> 00:51:37,833 I turn on the news, and I see a guy, right, going, 1147 00:51:37,833 --> 00:51:39,966 "I lost my home because my mortgage 1148 00:51:39,966 --> 00:51:41,315 "more than doubled. 1149 00:51:41,315 --> 00:51:44,971 "It went from $1,100 to $2,300... 1150 00:51:44,971 --> 00:51:47,930 "because I didn'’t know that it was an adjustable rate. 1151 00:51:47,930 --> 00:51:50,368 I didn'’t know that it was an adjustable rate." 1152 00:51:50,368 --> 00:51:52,500 You know what happens at that moment? 1153 00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:54,198 My heart goes, "Oh, my God. Let'’s get this guy'’s name 1154 00:51:54,198 --> 00:51:55,677 "and send him $5,000 so he can stay in that house 1155 00:51:55,677 --> 00:51:57,331 for a little longer." 1156 00:51:57,331 --> 00:51:58,593 That'’s what my heart says. I swear to God. 1157 00:51:58,593 --> 00:52:00,204 You know what my brain says? 1158 00:52:00,204 --> 00:52:01,683 "Uh, hold on. Before you write that check, 1159 00:52:01,683 --> 00:52:02,945 I got a question." 1160 00:52:06,427 --> 00:52:08,647 "Uh, let me get this straight. 1161 00:52:08,647 --> 00:52:11,215 "You lost your house because you didn'’t know 1162 00:52:11,215 --> 00:52:12,781 "that it was with an adjustable rate? 1163 00:52:12,781 --> 00:52:17,308 "So you initialed or signed each page 1164 00:52:17,308 --> 00:52:19,701 "of a stack of papers that thick, 1165 00:52:19,701 --> 00:52:22,400 "saying you would pay something for 30 years of your life, 1166 00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:24,184 "and you forgot to read it. 1167 00:52:24,184 --> 00:52:27,056 "Is that what happened? 1168 00:52:27,056 --> 00:52:30,059 Is that what happened?" 1169 00:52:30,059 --> 00:52:34,107 How do you not read your contract? 1170 00:52:34,107 --> 00:52:36,588 I'’ll make people start reading their contracts. 1171 00:52:36,588 --> 00:52:40,418 I'’m gonna slip things in there on page, like, number 7. 1172 00:52:40,418 --> 00:52:42,420 Things that say, in simple English, 1173 00:52:42,420 --> 00:52:44,683 "If you initial the bottom of this page, 1174 00:52:44,683 --> 00:52:46,293 you agree to the fact that a big black guy 1175 00:52:46,293 --> 00:52:48,034 "with a 13-inch penis 1176 00:52:48,034 --> 00:52:49,949 "is gonna come and do your mom from behind 1177 00:52:49,949 --> 00:52:52,386 once a month." 1178 00:52:52,386 --> 00:52:55,737 Oh, people will start reading their contracts after that! 1179 00:52:55,737 --> 00:52:58,740 You show up at Nana'’s house, and there'’s a black guy going, 1180 00:52:58,740 --> 00:53:00,307 "What'’s up, baby? What'’s up? 1181 00:53:02,266 --> 00:53:04,355 "What'’s up, baby? Ah! 1182 00:53:04,355 --> 00:53:08,750 "You didn'’t read the contract? Ah, suki-suki! 1183 00:53:08,750 --> 00:53:10,622 "It'’s all good, baby. I brought it. It'’s right there. 1184 00:53:10,622 --> 00:53:13,059 "Go ahead. Read it now, read it now. 1185 00:53:13,059 --> 00:53:14,887 "It'’s on page 7, baby. 1186 00:53:14,887 --> 00:53:16,976 Oh, let me flip it to page 7 for your ass." 1187 00:53:21,850 --> 00:53:23,983 Mom'’s gonna be like, "I can'’t believe 1188 00:53:23,983 --> 00:53:25,463 you didn'’t read the contract!" 1189 00:53:32,426 --> 00:53:34,994 Everybody'’s become a victim. 1190 00:53:34,994 --> 00:53:37,518 "It'’s not my fault. It'’s not my fault." 1191 00:53:37,518 --> 00:53:39,999 We'’re making diseases out of choices now. 1192 00:53:39,999 --> 00:53:41,566 My friend called me up. He'’s like, "I have a disease. 1193 00:53:41,566 --> 00:53:43,437 I'’m an alcoholic." 1194 00:53:43,437 --> 00:53:45,961 "Uh, that'’s not a disease. That'’s a choice." 1195 00:53:45,961 --> 00:53:48,964 "Well, my doctor said it'’s a disease." 1196 00:53:48,964 --> 00:53:50,183 "Well, I'’m not a doctor, but I'’m telling you, 1197 00:53:50,183 --> 00:53:52,751 "according to me, it'’s a choice. 1198 00:53:52,751 --> 00:53:56,537 You choose to drink, or you choose not to drink." 1199 00:53:56,537 --> 00:53:59,758 That'’s not a disease. That'’s a choice. 1200 00:53:59,758 --> 00:54:00,933 Okay? 1201 00:54:02,151 --> 00:54:04,545 Nobody would have polio 1202 00:54:04,545 --> 00:54:06,417 if it came in a shot glass. 1203 00:54:08,810 --> 00:54:10,812 [chuckles] 1204 00:54:10,812 --> 00:54:12,336 You would never show up at your friend'’s house 1205 00:54:12,336 --> 00:54:13,815 on a Sunday morning-- "What happened last night?" 1206 00:54:13,815 --> 00:54:15,513 "Party time, bitches! 1207 00:54:18,167 --> 00:54:20,518 Should'’ve had the Jager bombs!" 1208 00:54:29,353 --> 00:54:31,833 And look at me. I do feel sorry for people. 1209 00:54:31,833 --> 00:54:33,835 There are people that I really feel sorry for. 1210 00:54:33,835 --> 00:54:37,230 I feel sorry for Mexicans with thick mustaches 1211 00:54:37,230 --> 00:54:40,712 that look like Saddam Hussein at the airport security. 1212 00:54:40,712 --> 00:54:44,977 You know he gets checked every time he flies. 1213 00:54:44,977 --> 00:54:46,979 "I'’m sorry, sir. Random security check." 1214 00:54:46,979 --> 00:54:48,110 He'’s speaking Spanish. 1215 00:54:48,110 --> 00:54:51,375 Hijo de tu puta madre. 1216 00:54:51,375 --> 00:54:53,377 Yo no soy, cabrón! 1217 00:54:53,377 --> 00:54:56,380 I am not the guy you are looking for. 1218 00:54:56,380 --> 00:54:59,774 You are looking for a-la-la-la-la-la-la! 1219 00:54:59,774 --> 00:55:01,210 But I am... 1220 00:55:01,210 --> 00:55:03,300 ♪ La-la-la, la-la, la bamba ♪ 1221 00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:05,127 You see the difference? 1222 00:55:09,654 --> 00:55:11,525 I feel sorry for people in Japan. 1223 00:55:11,525 --> 00:55:13,048 Yeah. 1224 00:55:13,048 --> 00:55:15,224 Joplin gets hit by one tornado, 1225 00:55:15,224 --> 00:55:18,184 one tornado--freaking out. 1226 00:55:18,184 --> 00:55:20,795 They got hit by three disasters in a row-- 1227 00:55:20,795 --> 00:55:23,102 a trifecta of terror. 1228 00:55:23,102 --> 00:55:25,583 You know people in Japan are looking up to the heavens, 1229 00:55:25,583 --> 00:55:27,541 talking to God, going... 1230 00:55:27,541 --> 00:55:30,501 [Japanese accent] "Okay, we have to have 1231 00:55:30,501 --> 00:55:33,242 a very serious conversation." 1232 00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:39,684 "Something happened down here. 1233 00:55:39,684 --> 00:55:43,209 "I don'’t know if you know or not. 1234 00:55:43,209 --> 00:55:44,950 "The universe is a huge place. 1235 00:55:44,950 --> 00:55:47,518 Maybe you on other side. I don'’t know this." 1236 00:55:49,955 --> 00:55:51,652 "But I want to tell you other perspectives 1237 00:55:51,652 --> 00:55:54,002 "so you understand, okay? 1238 00:55:54,002 --> 00:55:58,267 "Okay. First we get hit by a giant earthquake. 1239 00:55:58,267 --> 00:56:02,141 "As horrible as this was... 1240 00:56:02,141 --> 00:56:03,708 "this is Japan. 1241 00:56:03,708 --> 00:56:05,274 "We are an island 1242 00:56:05,274 --> 00:56:07,494 "that happens to be situated on a fault line. 1243 00:56:07,494 --> 00:56:09,888 "We understand this, okay? 1244 00:56:09,888 --> 00:56:12,107 "We expect this to happen. We know where we live. 1245 00:56:12,107 --> 00:56:15,459 "We have no problem, okay? 1246 00:56:15,459 --> 00:56:18,723 "Then we get hit by a tsunami. 1247 00:56:18,723 --> 00:56:22,074 "Again, we are an island surrounded by water 1248 00:56:22,074 --> 00:56:23,597 "on a fault line. 1249 00:56:23,597 --> 00:56:25,860 "This is expected. 1250 00:56:25,860 --> 00:56:29,255 "We understand this. We accept this. 1251 00:56:29,255 --> 00:56:31,431 "We have no problem with those two. 1252 00:56:31,431 --> 00:56:33,259 "Okay. 1253 00:56:33,259 --> 00:56:37,219 "Then we get hit by a nuclear disaster. 1254 00:56:37,219 --> 00:56:40,658 What the fuck?" 1255 00:56:44,662 --> 00:56:46,315 "Holy shit. 1256 00:56:46,315 --> 00:56:48,579 We make one bad Toyota..." 1257 00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:56,151 "And you do this?" 1258 00:57:04,899 --> 00:57:06,597 My son. 1259 00:57:06,597 --> 00:57:08,076 Yeah, my 4 1/2-year-old son, Luke. 1260 00:57:08,076 --> 00:57:09,643 He gets it. You know how I know? 1261 00:57:09,643 --> 00:57:11,297 I'’m watching TV with him the other day. 1262 00:57:11,297 --> 00:57:13,734 He loves watching TV with me. We'’re watching MSNBC. 1263 00:57:13,734 --> 00:57:15,736 There'’s a 400-pound guy on there talking about obesity. 1264 00:57:15,736 --> 00:57:17,521 They throw it to him. 1265 00:57:17,521 --> 00:57:21,307 "You say that obesity is not the problem? 1266 00:57:21,307 --> 00:57:25,006 I don'’t understand, so explain it to us." 1267 00:57:25,006 --> 00:57:26,617 "Well, I don'’t believe that it is. 1268 00:57:26,617 --> 00:57:28,270 "I believe it'’s a symptom of the problem. 1269 00:57:28,270 --> 00:57:30,447 "And in my opinion, the problem 1270 00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:32,057 "is a lack of restriction in regulations 1271 00:57:32,057 --> 00:57:34,015 "upon a fast-food industry. 1272 00:57:34,015 --> 00:57:35,452 "They open up their markets anywhere. 1273 00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:37,366 "They saturate cities. 1274 00:57:37,366 --> 00:57:39,325 "Their food is disgusting and bad for you calorically. 1275 00:57:39,325 --> 00:57:41,283 "Most of it is deep-fried. It'’s inexpensive. 1276 00:57:41,283 --> 00:57:43,460 "And on top of it, it is convenient. 1277 00:57:43,460 --> 00:57:45,287 "You don'’t even have to get out of your car 1278 00:57:45,287 --> 00:57:46,680 "to feed yourself. 1279 00:57:46,680 --> 00:57:48,073 "Do you realize that when I go to work, 1280 00:57:48,073 --> 00:57:50,336 "I have to drive by ten fast-food restaurants? 1281 00:57:50,336 --> 00:57:51,946 "That'’s 20 a day, that'’s 100 a week, 1282 00:57:51,946 --> 00:57:53,687 "not including the miscellaneous ones 1283 00:57:53,687 --> 00:57:56,211 "on the weeknights or weekdays when I have to run errands. 1284 00:57:56,211 --> 00:57:57,691 "So we'’re talking about, on a weekly basis, 1285 00:57:57,691 --> 00:57:59,998 "I drive by at least 175 1286 00:57:59,998 --> 00:58:02,914 "to 225 or more fast-food restaurants. 1287 00:58:02,914 --> 00:58:05,699 "Multiply that by 52 weeks a year, 1288 00:58:05,699 --> 00:58:09,442 "and then you kind of gauge the enormity of this problem. 1289 00:58:09,442 --> 00:58:12,706 "And of course people like me sometimes pull over 1290 00:58:12,706 --> 00:58:15,666 "and have a meal at a fast-food restaurant 1291 00:58:15,666 --> 00:58:18,451 "out of convenience and time constraints. 1292 00:58:18,451 --> 00:58:21,193 What else are we supposed to do when they'’re everywhere?" 1293 00:58:21,193 --> 00:58:23,630 And Luke yelled out, "Keep fuckin'’ driving!" 1294 00:58:29,984 --> 00:58:31,943 Yeah, buy a Toyota, bitch. It won'’t stop. 1295 00:58:31,943 --> 00:58:36,121 [imitates car zooming] 1296 00:58:42,736 --> 00:58:45,260 We need to realize that we are the country 1297 00:58:45,260 --> 00:58:47,741 that makes movies about pirates, 1298 00:58:47,741 --> 00:58:50,352 while other countries have real pirates. 1299 00:58:53,007 --> 00:58:56,141 And that'’s the news again, making it bigger than it is. 1300 00:58:56,141 --> 00:58:57,795 "Pirates off the coast of Africa." 1301 00:58:57,795 --> 00:59:01,015 You mean skinny, starving Somalians? 1302 00:59:01,015 --> 00:59:02,277 "They'’re pirates." 1303 00:59:02,277 --> 00:59:03,627 They'’re not pirates. 1304 00:59:03,627 --> 00:59:04,932 First of all, in order to be a pirate, 1305 00:59:04,932 --> 00:59:06,934 you have to have a pirate ship, okay? 1306 00:59:06,934 --> 00:59:08,501 A ship. 1307 00:59:08,501 --> 00:59:11,112 Not a 12-foot pontoon dinghy with air sides. 1308 00:59:13,027 --> 00:59:14,942 And a 25-outboard-horsepower Evinrude. 1309 00:59:14,942 --> 00:59:16,553 No. 1310 00:59:16,553 --> 00:59:18,511 If having a 12-footer makes you a pirate, 1311 00:59:18,511 --> 00:59:21,296 there'’s at least 10 rednecks and 30 mojadosin here going... 1312 00:59:21,296 --> 00:59:23,385 [Southern accent] "Well, I'’m a pirate, too. Shit. 1313 00:59:24,648 --> 00:59:26,388 "I didn'’t know I was a pirate. 1314 00:59:26,388 --> 00:59:30,567 Arr! Arr!" 1315 00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:32,090 [Mexican accent] "I am a pirate! 1316 00:59:32,090 --> 00:59:37,182 [rolling tongue] Ere! Ere!" 1317 00:59:37,182 --> 00:59:38,966 [normal voice] Come on, people, that'’s "R" in Spanish. 1318 00:59:38,966 --> 00:59:40,533 Seriously. Let'’s get the jokes. 1319 00:59:45,146 --> 00:59:46,974 How can you call yourself a pirate when... 1320 00:59:46,974 --> 00:59:49,455 [chuckles] 1321 00:59:49,455 --> 00:59:50,412 when you'’re in the middle of the ocean going, 1322 00:59:50,412 --> 00:59:52,284 ba, ba, ba, ba. 1323 00:59:52,284 --> 00:59:54,112 Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. 1324 00:59:54,112 --> 00:59:58,203 "Dis tree-foot waves is slowing da ship down." 1325 00:59:58,203 --> 00:59:59,770 Ba, ba, ba, ba. 1326 00:59:59,770 --> 01:00:02,990 Catching air. Ba... 1327 01:00:02,990 --> 01:00:05,776 Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba... 1328 01:00:05,776 --> 01:00:07,473 [laughs] 1329 01:00:10,868 --> 01:00:12,826 How can you call yourself a pirate 1330 01:00:12,826 --> 01:00:14,698 when you have to put air in your ship? 1331 01:00:19,093 --> 01:00:20,747 These guys are trying to talk smack. 1332 01:00:20,747 --> 01:00:23,881 "Look at dat ship over der. 1333 01:00:23,881 --> 01:00:26,318 "We are going to take it over, for we are pirates. 1334 01:00:26,318 --> 01:00:29,843 "We are here to take. We are not here to ask. 1335 01:00:29,843 --> 01:00:32,193 "We are going to take hostages, 1336 01:00:32,193 --> 01:00:35,370 but we can only fit one in da pirate ship." 1337 01:00:39,461 --> 01:00:42,464 "But before we set sail, 1338 01:00:42,464 --> 01:00:44,641 "we must prepare de pirate ship. 1339 01:00:46,207 --> 01:00:47,905 Let'’s do dis." 1340 01:00:47,905 --> 01:00:52,126 [exhaling deeply] 1341 01:00:52,126 --> 01:00:54,041 "We are pirates." 1342 01:00:54,041 --> 01:00:56,261 [laughter and applause] 1343 01:01:00,134 --> 01:01:01,353 Look at-- some of you are like, 1344 01:01:01,353 --> 01:01:03,224 "They don'’t have air compressors?" 1345 01:01:03,224 --> 01:01:06,663 No, they don'’t have air compressors! 1346 01:01:06,663 --> 01:01:09,840 They don'’t have rice. You think they have air compressors? 1347 01:01:14,409 --> 01:01:16,237 And you got to ask yourself this question 1348 01:01:16,237 --> 01:01:17,891 with regard to that joke-- 1349 01:01:17,891 --> 01:01:20,981 Is that joke over $20 million of funny? 1350 01:01:20,981 --> 01:01:23,070 Because that'’s how much it cost America 1351 01:01:23,070 --> 01:01:25,203 for me to tell that joke, because, of course, 1352 01:01:25,203 --> 01:01:27,205 what did they do on the news that I told you? 1353 01:01:27,205 --> 01:01:29,120 Exacerbated a situation. 1354 01:01:29,120 --> 01:01:30,425 "Pirates off the coast of Africa 1355 01:01:30,425 --> 01:01:32,253 "commandeered an American vessel. 1356 01:01:32,253 --> 01:01:35,517 "They took a hostage which happens to be the captain, 1357 01:01:35,517 --> 01:01:37,563 "who is an American citizen. 1358 01:01:37,563 --> 01:01:40,435 How will America react?" 1359 01:01:40,435 --> 01:01:42,481 $20 million worth, baby. Yeah. 1360 01:01:42,481 --> 01:01:44,744 We sent two fully armed naval battleship frigate destroyers 1361 01:01:44,744 --> 01:01:46,746 with laser-guided missiles, Sidewinder missiles, 1362 01:01:46,746 --> 01:01:48,443 heat-seeking missiles, Tomahawk missiles, 1363 01:01:48,443 --> 01:01:51,011 50-millimeter canons, over 7,000 troops, 1364 01:01:51,011 --> 01:01:53,448 10,000 M4s, over 18,000 grenades, 1365 01:01:53,448 --> 01:01:55,668 over 36 snipers, 1366 01:01:55,668 --> 01:01:57,844 and over 18 of those huge canons. 1367 01:01:57,844 --> 01:01:59,280 All of that armada and artillery 1368 01:01:59,280 --> 01:02:02,196 to deal with six skinny, starving, 1369 01:02:02,196 --> 01:02:06,984 licorice-lollipop-lookin'’, emaciated Africans on a... 1370 01:02:06,984 --> 01:02:11,423 ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. 1371 01:02:11,423 --> 01:02:14,469 President Mencia would'’ve saved us all that money! 1372 01:02:14,469 --> 01:02:15,906 I would'’ve sent one American 1373 01:02:15,906 --> 01:02:17,908 that can throw a dart really far. 1374 01:02:22,913 --> 01:02:24,131 That would'’ve been the end of that. 1375 01:02:24,131 --> 01:02:27,744 Ba, ba, ba-- [imitates pop, air hissing] 1376 01:02:27,744 --> 01:02:29,571 "It is a direct hit! It is a direct hit!" 1377 01:02:31,530 --> 01:02:34,359 "Dey sank our battleship. Dey sank our battleship." 1378 01:02:36,230 --> 01:02:37,841 "Unbuntu, did you bring da duct tape?" 1379 01:02:39,494 --> 01:02:41,366 "We must patch de ship. 1380 01:02:41,366 --> 01:02:43,542 "We cannot sink. We are black. We cannot swim. 1381 01:02:43,542 --> 01:02:45,413 Please, Unbuntu, please!" 1382 01:02:47,676 --> 01:02:50,679 It'’s okay to laugh. Let it out, let it out, let it out. 1383 01:02:50,679 --> 01:02:52,638 This is the problem with America. 1384 01:02:52,638 --> 01:02:54,205 We want to laugh, but we don'’t, and we hold it in, 1385 01:02:54,205 --> 01:02:55,510 and that'’s why we have more serial killers 1386 01:02:55,510 --> 01:02:56,468 than anybody else. 1387 01:02:56,468 --> 01:02:57,948 Let it out. 1388 01:03:01,125 --> 01:03:04,041 First of all, that joke is real. 1389 01:03:04,041 --> 01:03:05,825 No, it is in America. You didn'’t know this? 1390 01:03:05,825 --> 01:03:07,566 In the United States of America, 1391 01:03:07,566 --> 01:03:10,003 this statement is actually accurate statistically-- 1392 01:03:10,003 --> 01:03:12,136 "Black people can'’t swim." 1393 01:03:12,136 --> 01:03:14,529 Yeah. Seriously. You know why? 1394 01:03:14,529 --> 01:03:16,096 Because over half of black people, 1395 01:03:16,096 --> 01:03:19,665 which is the majority, cannot swim. 1396 01:03:19,665 --> 01:03:21,754 Black people are actually three and a half more times 1397 01:03:21,754 --> 01:03:23,451 likely to drown than any other race. 1398 01:03:23,451 --> 01:03:24,975 That is a fact. 1399 01:03:24,975 --> 01:03:26,541 What I find astounding 1400 01:03:26,541 --> 01:03:28,326 is right now that I said that fact, 1401 01:03:28,326 --> 01:03:30,676 look at all the white Americans going, "What?" 1402 01:03:34,811 --> 01:03:36,464 "Black people can'’t swim?" 1403 01:03:38,640 --> 01:03:42,601 "Is it genetic, Carlos? What is it?" 1404 01:03:42,601 --> 01:03:46,213 Oh, come on, cracker, you know why they can'’t swim. 1405 01:03:46,213 --> 01:03:48,476 Look at you-- "I don'’t know why." 1406 01:03:48,476 --> 01:03:50,391 I don'’t know. Maybe it'’s because back in the day 1407 01:03:50,391 --> 01:03:53,220 when they wanted to get in the pool, you didn'’t let '’em. 1408 01:03:53,220 --> 01:03:54,439 Maybe that'’s why they can'’t swim. 1409 01:03:54,439 --> 01:03:57,572 Ohh! 1410 01:03:57,572 --> 01:03:59,618 Yeah. 1411 01:03:59,618 --> 01:04:02,316 Remember that sign, white people? 1412 01:04:02,316 --> 01:04:04,971 "No diving, no running, no niggers." 1413 01:04:04,971 --> 01:04:06,843 Remember that sign? 1414 01:04:09,410 --> 01:04:10,977 We didn'’t let '’em in the pool. 1415 01:04:10,977 --> 01:04:12,196 [Southern accent] "Hey, hey, hey! 1416 01:04:12,196 --> 01:04:13,632 "Get the hell out of my pool, boy. 1417 01:04:13,632 --> 01:04:15,068 Gonna turn it into grape Kool-Aid!" 1418 01:04:18,115 --> 01:04:20,378 [normal voice] We pulled out a gun and chased them away. 1419 01:04:20,378 --> 01:04:22,423 Now, ironically, black people run really fast, 1420 01:04:22,423 --> 01:04:24,295 but they can'’t swim worth a damn. 1421 01:04:30,431 --> 01:04:34,000 But you see how some of you are still hesitant? 1422 01:04:34,000 --> 01:04:36,698 Some of you are like, "I think that joke'’s gonna be very funny 1423 01:04:36,698 --> 01:04:37,656 on the way home." 1424 01:04:42,835 --> 01:04:44,924 And here'’s the weird part. 1425 01:04:44,924 --> 01:04:47,579 People think that I'’ll just say anything. 1426 01:04:47,579 --> 01:04:50,495 That'’s not true. I censor myself all the time. 1427 01:04:50,495 --> 01:04:52,497 Like, the first time I saw Barack Obama, 1428 01:04:52,497 --> 01:04:54,716 I had a thought, and I immediately went, 1429 01:04:54,716 --> 01:04:56,544 "I can'’t say that, man. 1430 01:04:56,544 --> 01:04:58,155 "People are gonna misconstrue what I'’m saying, 1431 01:04:58,155 --> 01:05:00,287 "take it the wrong way, and use it in a way 1432 01:05:00,287 --> 01:05:02,855 "that I do not want anybody to use my words. 1433 01:05:02,855 --> 01:05:04,422 I am not gonna do it." 1434 01:05:04,422 --> 01:05:06,032 But you know what I did? 1435 01:05:06,032 --> 01:05:07,816 I went into a Catholic church in East L.A. 1436 01:05:07,816 --> 01:05:09,383 called Our Lady of Soledad 1437 01:05:09,383 --> 01:05:11,908 on the corner of Ford and Cesar Chavez. 1438 01:05:11,908 --> 01:05:15,607 I walked in, I lit a candle to La Virgen Maria de Guadalupe, 1439 01:05:15,607 --> 01:05:18,088 and I said, "Virgen, I make people laugh for a living. 1440 01:05:18,088 --> 01:05:20,177 "I deserve one thing in my life, 1441 01:05:20,177 --> 01:05:21,743 "and this is what I want. 1442 01:05:21,743 --> 01:05:23,615 "I want the black guy to become President. 1443 01:05:23,615 --> 01:05:25,269 "I don'’t care about his politics. 1444 01:05:25,269 --> 01:05:27,184 "Him winning, whether he sucks or not, 1445 01:05:27,184 --> 01:05:29,186 "is good for the country because it breaks a barrier. 1446 01:05:29,186 --> 01:05:30,448 "But I'’m not gonna lie to you. 1447 01:05:30,448 --> 01:05:32,189 "More importantly, 1448 01:05:32,189 --> 01:05:35,757 "there'’s a joke that I really want to tell, 1449 01:05:35,757 --> 01:05:39,022 and I can'’t tell it unless he becomes President." 1450 01:05:39,022 --> 01:05:41,328 And she made my wish come true, 1451 01:05:41,328 --> 01:05:43,940 and now I can say that Barack Obama 1452 01:05:43,940 --> 01:05:45,811 looks like Curious fuckin'’ George. 1453 01:05:45,811 --> 01:05:47,508 I said it. 1454 01:05:55,342 --> 01:05:57,344 And it'’s not because he'’s black. 1455 01:05:57,344 --> 01:05:58,867 It'’s because he'’s kind of yellow, 1456 01:05:58,867 --> 01:06:00,304 he has the hairline and the ears. 1457 01:06:00,304 --> 01:06:03,133 The ears make the outfit. 1458 01:06:03,133 --> 01:06:04,569 All right, some of you people aren'’t laughing. 1459 01:06:04,569 --> 01:06:07,398 Close your eyes. Close your eyes! 1460 01:06:07,398 --> 01:06:09,269 What would you do if Barack Obama 1461 01:06:09,269 --> 01:06:10,792 walked onto this stage, 1462 01:06:10,792 --> 01:06:12,664 followed by Vice President Joseph Biden, 1463 01:06:12,664 --> 01:06:15,319 who is wearing a yellow trench coat? 1464 01:06:19,149 --> 01:06:21,760 You would laugh your ass off. 1465 01:06:21,760 --> 01:06:23,675 You would be sitting there going, "Oh, my God. 1466 01:06:23,675 --> 01:06:25,982 "If during the speech the President actually says 1467 01:06:25,982 --> 01:06:27,374 '’I'’m just curious'’..." 1468 01:06:34,251 --> 01:06:36,949 I love, love, love doing racial jokes. 1469 01:06:36,949 --> 01:06:38,951 Love it. And it'’s not because 1470 01:06:38,951 --> 01:06:40,953 I like messing with other people. 1471 01:06:40,953 --> 01:06:43,173 It'’s because I see the unity in racial jokes 1472 01:06:43,173 --> 01:06:44,957 that a lot of people don'’t see. 1473 01:06:44,957 --> 01:06:47,046 '’Cause this woman approached me, and she'’s like, 1474 01:06:47,046 --> 01:06:49,353 "It'’s disgusting and abhorrent that you tell those jokes, 1475 01:06:49,353 --> 01:06:51,355 and I don'’t even understand why people laugh." 1476 01:06:51,355 --> 01:06:52,834 And I said, "Well, because we view them differently 1477 01:06:52,834 --> 01:06:54,793 than you do." 1478 01:06:54,793 --> 01:06:56,273 And she said, "You'’re just making fun of people." 1479 01:06:56,273 --> 01:06:58,623 I said, "No. You see, when I tell a racial joke 1480 01:06:58,623 --> 01:07:00,625 "about anything and people laugh, 1481 01:07:00,625 --> 01:07:02,409 "it'’s an affirmation that they know 1482 01:07:02,409 --> 01:07:04,150 who I'’m talking about." 1483 01:07:04,150 --> 01:07:05,717 And they know who I'’m talking about 1484 01:07:05,717 --> 01:07:06,979 because they know what I'’m talking about, 1485 01:07:06,979 --> 01:07:08,502 because we live amongst each other to the point 1486 01:07:08,502 --> 01:07:10,069 where our idiosyncratic behavior 1487 01:07:10,069 --> 01:07:12,158 is known to all of us, 1488 01:07:12,158 --> 01:07:15,118 because the tapestry of America isn'’t black, isn'’t white, 1489 01:07:15,118 --> 01:07:16,945 isn'’t Hispanic. 1490 01:07:16,945 --> 01:07:20,949 It is every possible living type of human being. 1491 01:07:20,949 --> 01:07:22,560 You do realize that we'’re the only country 1492 01:07:22,560 --> 01:07:24,344 that can do jokes about anybody else, 1493 01:07:24,344 --> 01:07:26,216 and we understand what that means. 1494 01:07:26,216 --> 01:07:27,347 You do get that? 1495 01:07:27,347 --> 01:07:30,568 You do understand, all right... 1496 01:07:30,568 --> 01:07:33,527 that if I went to Sweden 1497 01:07:33,527 --> 01:07:35,747 and did a joke about how Mexicans cut grass, 1498 01:07:35,747 --> 01:07:38,837 over there they'’d be like, "A flirty thirty never hurty." 1499 01:07:38,837 --> 01:07:41,448 They wouldn'’t know what I'’m talking about, okay? 1500 01:07:41,448 --> 01:07:42,797 If I went to Japan and told them 1501 01:07:42,797 --> 01:07:44,973 Black people had bigger penises, they'’d be like, 1502 01:07:44,973 --> 01:07:46,410 "Seriously?" 1503 01:07:49,543 --> 01:07:52,024 "Is this true?" 1504 01:07:53,112 --> 01:07:55,158 "Over one Toyota?" 1505 01:07:58,117 --> 01:08:00,250 This is ridiculous." 1506 01:08:04,950 --> 01:08:08,519 I guarantee you that if I did a joke about a terrorist, 1507 01:08:08,519 --> 01:08:09,911 but instead of doing this voice-- 1508 01:08:09,911 --> 01:08:11,217 [Arabic accent] "What are you talking about?" 1509 01:08:11,217 --> 01:08:12,479 I did this voice-- 1510 01:08:12,479 --> 01:08:13,872 [Indian accent] "I am a terrorist, 1511 01:08:13,872 --> 01:08:15,787 and I'’m here to blow you up." 1512 01:08:15,787 --> 01:08:17,571 [normal voice] See, you laugh 1513 01:08:17,571 --> 01:08:20,487 because you know that'’s not the same guy. 1514 01:08:20,487 --> 01:08:22,054 If I did a joke about a Puerto Rican 1515 01:08:22,054 --> 01:08:23,273 with a Mexican accent, you'’d be like, 1516 01:08:23,273 --> 01:08:26,363 "No, no, no. 1517 01:08:26,363 --> 01:08:28,495 You have to talk like this, not like dis." 1518 01:08:31,716 --> 01:08:34,371 Because we are way different than any other country. 1519 01:08:34,371 --> 01:08:36,286 And you know where I found this out? 1520 01:08:36,286 --> 01:08:38,375 In Iraq, ironically. 1521 01:08:38,375 --> 01:08:41,073 I'’m performing in Baghdad in front of 10,000 troops. 1522 01:08:41,073 --> 01:08:42,640 I do a joke, and I come over here 1523 01:08:42,640 --> 01:08:44,859 to give this guy a high five who'’s black, 1524 01:08:44,859 --> 01:08:46,513 and then when he raised his arm 1525 01:08:46,513 --> 01:08:48,515 I saw that his last name was "Black," 1526 01:08:48,515 --> 01:08:50,474 and it made me laugh for just a second. 1527 01:08:50,474 --> 01:08:52,040 Right? '’Cause I was like, "What up? 1528 01:08:52,040 --> 01:08:53,564 Ha ha ha ha ha. Black Black." 1529 01:08:55,522 --> 01:08:57,089 And I tried to move on, but I couldn'’t, 1530 01:08:57,089 --> 01:08:58,743 because my other eye 1531 01:08:58,743 --> 01:09:00,571 peripherally caught the guy next to him, 1532 01:09:00,571 --> 01:09:02,529 who was a white guy, and his last name was Svenson, 1533 01:09:02,529 --> 01:09:04,488 which is a Scandinavian name. 1534 01:09:04,488 --> 01:09:06,707 And the juxtaposition of the black guy and the white guy 1535 01:09:06,707 --> 01:09:08,927 with those two names made me go, "Wait a minute. 1536 01:09:08,927 --> 01:09:12,104 Who am I performing for? Who are these Americans?" 1537 01:09:12,104 --> 01:09:13,845 And I started reading the last names, 1538 01:09:13,845 --> 01:09:16,587 and I saw Black, and I saw Svenson, 1539 01:09:16,587 --> 01:09:18,328 and I saw Doyle, and I saw McKelly, 1540 01:09:18,328 --> 01:09:20,112 and I saw Shropshire. 1541 01:09:20,112 --> 01:09:23,115 I saw Rinaldo. I saw Bellini. I saw Popodopolis. 1542 01:09:23,115 --> 01:09:25,900 I saw Chakoff. I saw Westhoffer. 1543 01:09:25,900 --> 01:09:28,555 I saw Wakinsky. I saw Bing. 1544 01:09:28,555 --> 01:09:30,992 I saw Lee. I saw Chang. I saw Yamato. 1545 01:09:30,992 --> 01:09:32,907 I saw Mutombo. I saw Ahmed. 1546 01:09:32,907 --> 01:09:34,474 I saw Hernandez. 1547 01:09:34,474 --> 01:09:36,868 And I looked up at these Americans 1548 01:09:36,868 --> 01:09:40,176 of every race, color, religion imaginable, 1549 01:09:40,176 --> 01:09:42,700 and it hit me at that very moment. 1550 01:09:42,700 --> 01:09:44,919 Do you people realize that America 1551 01:09:44,919 --> 01:09:46,791 is the only country in the world 1552 01:09:46,791 --> 01:09:51,274 that, when we go to war, our troops literally have 1553 01:09:51,274 --> 01:09:53,101 to wear uniforms, because no matter who we'’re fighting, 1554 01:09:53,101 --> 01:09:55,539 we have people on our team that look like them. 1555 01:09:57,497 --> 01:10:00,718 That is awesome! That is awesome! 1556 01:10:00,718 --> 01:10:03,199 Are you kidding me? 1557 01:10:04,896 --> 01:10:07,377 There will be no shirts and skins in this game. 1558 01:10:09,553 --> 01:10:11,381 If we went to war against Mexico, 1559 01:10:11,381 --> 01:10:13,165 we would have to tell all our beaner troops, 1560 01:10:13,165 --> 01:10:16,299 "Hey, do not ever take off your shirt. 1561 01:10:18,605 --> 01:10:21,304 And the pointy boots are confusing everybody." 1562 01:10:26,309 --> 01:10:28,267 But you want me to tell you what'’s even better? 1563 01:10:28,267 --> 01:10:30,965 What makes us great 1564 01:10:30,965 --> 01:10:33,098 is when we come together as a race. 1565 01:10:33,098 --> 01:10:36,971 No matter what, we'’re good at it when we come together. 1566 01:10:36,971 --> 01:10:38,930 That'’s when we'’re the best. 1567 01:10:38,930 --> 01:10:41,933 That'’s why we always kick ass in the Summer Olympics, 1568 01:10:41,933 --> 01:10:43,717 because it'’s not whites, it'’s not blacks. 1569 01:10:43,717 --> 01:10:45,676 It'’s all of us together. And don'’t forget-- 1570 01:10:45,676 --> 01:10:47,547 don'’t forget that we are way better 1571 01:10:47,547 --> 01:10:49,070 when we come together. 1572 01:10:49,070 --> 01:10:50,289 I'’ll give you an example. 1573 01:10:50,289 --> 01:10:51,856 The United States Air Force, 1574 01:10:51,856 --> 01:10:53,336 best air force in the history of warfare-- 1575 01:10:53,336 --> 01:10:56,643 accuracy, dogfighting, everything--the best. 1576 01:10:56,643 --> 01:10:58,645 Interestingly enough, 1577 01:10:58,645 --> 01:11:01,909 only one squadron of airmen in the history of air warfare 1578 01:11:01,909 --> 01:11:05,173 have the distinction of being perfect 1579 01:11:05,173 --> 01:11:06,958 at their jobs, 1580 01:11:06,958 --> 01:11:10,178 and those happen to be the black--all black-- 1581 01:11:10,178 --> 01:11:13,965 Tuskegee Airmen out of Alabama, who, during World War II, 1582 01:11:13,965 --> 01:11:18,274 never lost a plane that they escorted into battle... 1583 01:11:18,274 --> 01:11:20,493 never, okay? 1584 01:11:20,493 --> 01:11:23,061 That'’s what made us awesome. 1585 01:11:23,061 --> 01:11:25,455 Yeah. And we weren'’t even gonna let you fly 1586 01:11:25,455 --> 01:11:27,108 '’cause you'’re black. 1587 01:11:27,108 --> 01:11:28,849 But one of the black guys stole a plane 1588 01:11:28,849 --> 01:11:30,024 and started flying without his hands, 1589 01:11:30,024 --> 01:11:33,201 and we were like, "Get some more planes." 1590 01:11:33,201 --> 01:11:35,943 Even the Germans were like, "Undhe shoot me, 1591 01:11:35,943 --> 01:11:37,162 "but he was raising ze roof. 1592 01:11:37,162 --> 01:11:39,077 I don'’t understand zis." 1593 01:11:42,559 --> 01:11:45,126 Because America'’s not white. 1594 01:11:45,126 --> 01:11:47,041 America'’s never been white. 1595 01:11:47,041 --> 01:11:49,740 America'’s always been "how can we kick ass?" 1596 01:11:49,740 --> 01:11:51,307 And you know when we started kicking ass, 1597 01:11:51,307 --> 01:11:52,917 like in the Olympics? 1598 01:11:52,917 --> 01:11:55,659 When we let an Indian, Jim Thorpe, get in 1599 01:11:55,659 --> 01:11:57,661 and said, "Hey, go win some medals for us." 1600 01:11:57,661 --> 01:11:59,793 Matter of fact, think of the irony of this. 1601 01:11:59,793 --> 01:12:01,882 During World War II, there was a man named Adolf Hitler 1602 01:12:01,882 --> 01:12:04,363 who professed that the white Aryan race 1603 01:12:04,363 --> 01:12:06,060 was superior to all others, 1604 01:12:06,060 --> 01:12:07,975 at a time when we in America believed 1605 01:12:07,975 --> 01:12:09,977 America'’s white and racist. 1606 01:12:09,977 --> 01:12:12,240 But that white racist America-- 1607 01:12:12,240 --> 01:12:14,852 who did we send to go show the world 1608 01:12:14,852 --> 01:12:16,549 that we'’re better at athletics? 1609 01:12:16,549 --> 01:12:19,726 A black guy named Jesse Owens. 1610 01:12:19,726 --> 01:12:22,903 And we told him, "Run like you stole some shit." 1611 01:12:29,954 --> 01:12:32,652 Now, ironically, 1612 01:12:32,652 --> 01:12:35,786 as good as we'’ve been in the Summer Olympics, 1613 01:12:35,786 --> 01:12:37,614 we'’ve never been great at the white-- 1614 01:12:37,614 --> 01:12:39,398 I mean, uh, Winter Olympics... 1615 01:12:43,010 --> 01:12:45,926 until this last Olympiad. 1616 01:12:45,926 --> 01:12:47,624 Did you know that this last Winter Olympiad, 1617 01:12:47,624 --> 01:12:49,408 United States of America, if I'’m not mistaken, 1618 01:12:49,408 --> 01:12:50,627 for the first time in the history 1619 01:12:50,627 --> 01:12:52,193 of the Winter Olympics, 1620 01:12:52,193 --> 01:12:53,978 got more medals than any other country? 1621 01:12:53,978 --> 01:12:58,243 But it is not because white people got better. 1622 01:12:58,243 --> 01:13:01,855 It is because we allowed nonwhites in 1623 01:13:01,855 --> 01:13:03,814 who got a lot of medals for us. 1624 01:13:03,814 --> 01:13:06,077 Without Apolo Ohno'’s Asian ass, 1625 01:13:06,077 --> 01:13:08,079 we ain'’t going over the top. 1626 01:13:08,079 --> 01:13:10,690 Without that Cuban chick who'’s an ice skater, 1627 01:13:10,690 --> 01:13:12,866 we ain'’t going over the top. 1628 01:13:12,866 --> 01:13:15,391 Without that black speed skater guy, 1629 01:13:15,391 --> 01:13:17,001 we ain'’t going over the top. 1630 01:13:17,001 --> 01:13:19,046 And that'’s what I love about America. 1631 01:13:19,046 --> 01:13:21,092 And we could talk a lot of smack and laugh 1632 01:13:21,092 --> 01:13:23,050 and whatever, but when we need each other, 1633 01:13:23,050 --> 01:13:25,009 we looked at a black guy and said, "Hey, man, 1634 01:13:25,009 --> 01:13:27,315 "we need your athleticism in the Winter Olympics. 1635 01:13:27,315 --> 01:13:29,492 Here'’s some ice skates. Go practice." 1636 01:13:31,798 --> 01:13:33,670 He was like, "What the hell?" 1637 01:13:33,670 --> 01:13:35,628 "Relax. The water'’s frozen." 1638 01:13:36,977 --> 01:13:38,283 [chuckles] 1639 01:13:38,283 --> 01:13:39,415 "What?" 1640 01:13:48,598 --> 01:13:51,601 Do you see how fun it is to laugh at that stuff? 1641 01:13:51,601 --> 01:13:53,516 And here'’s the weird part. 1642 01:13:55,213 --> 01:13:56,910 Like, people look at me, and they'’re like, 1643 01:13:56,910 --> 01:13:58,042 "Man, you go too far with this stuff." 1644 01:13:58,042 --> 01:13:59,870 I just want you to understand 1645 01:13:59,870 --> 01:14:01,393 that I really do try to censor myself, 1646 01:14:01,393 --> 01:14:03,221 that for every joke I do 1647 01:14:03,221 --> 01:14:05,484 where you people think I went too far, 1648 01:14:05,484 --> 01:14:08,269 I swear to God on my son Luke 1649 01:14:08,269 --> 01:14:10,794 there are at least three more jokes in my head 1650 01:14:10,794 --> 01:14:12,360 that I would never tell you. 1651 01:14:18,236 --> 01:14:20,673 The problem with me is I grew up in East L.A. 1652 01:14:20,673 --> 01:14:21,848 And what people don'’t understand 1653 01:14:21,848 --> 01:14:23,850 is when you grow up in the projects, 1654 01:14:23,850 --> 01:14:26,462 simple things are life and death. 1655 01:14:26,462 --> 01:14:28,725 If somebody comes up to you and says, 1656 01:14:28,725 --> 01:14:31,728 "Hey, man, where you from?" you answer that question. 1657 01:14:31,728 --> 01:14:33,773 Not where I grew up, 1658 01:14:33,773 --> 01:14:35,166 '’cause if you answer the wrong question, 1659 01:14:35,166 --> 01:14:37,168 you might be in Arizona territory 1660 01:14:37,168 --> 01:14:40,258 or White Fence territory or the Rock territory. 1661 01:14:40,258 --> 01:14:42,956 You don'’t know who that is, so you got to swell up. 1662 01:14:42,956 --> 01:14:46,133 You got to be ghetto. You got to be badass. 1663 01:14:46,133 --> 01:14:48,005 So, when somebody came up to me and said, "Where you from?" 1664 01:14:48,005 --> 01:14:50,790 "Where you from, puto? Fuck you. You got a problem? 1665 01:14:50,790 --> 01:14:52,531 "Let'’s do it, cabrón. Afuera. 1666 01:14:52,531 --> 01:14:53,663 "But don'’t be talking shit unless you'’re ready 1667 01:14:53,663 --> 01:14:54,794 to fuckin'’ throw down, bitch." 1668 01:14:57,449 --> 01:14:59,277 And by the way, 1669 01:14:59,277 --> 01:15:02,323 do you see how all the ghetto people are like, "Yeah"? 1670 01:15:02,323 --> 01:15:05,239 And that'’s my problem. 1671 01:15:05,239 --> 01:15:07,633 I live in Encino. I don'’t need that crap anymore. 1672 01:15:09,417 --> 01:15:11,419 The problem is, I still have it in me, 1673 01:15:11,419 --> 01:15:12,943 and I hate that guy. 1674 01:15:12,943 --> 01:15:15,554 "Ghetto Carlos" gets me in trouble all the time. 1675 01:15:15,554 --> 01:15:17,513 I don'’t like him. 1676 01:15:17,513 --> 01:15:19,297 And I'’m trying to get rid of him, but I can'’t. 1677 01:15:19,297 --> 01:15:21,517 And the other day he almost got me killed. 1678 01:15:21,517 --> 01:15:23,475 I'’ll tell you what happened. I did a show just like this. 1679 01:15:23,475 --> 01:15:24,998 And I leave the club. 1680 01:15:24,998 --> 01:15:26,434 At the end of the night, 1681 01:15:26,434 --> 01:15:28,306 this black guy comes up to me 1682 01:15:28,306 --> 01:15:29,960 as I'’m walking out the back. 1683 01:15:29,960 --> 01:15:31,614 "Yo, man, you and me need to talk 1684 01:15:31,614 --> 01:15:33,354 "about what you said about Barack Obama, 1685 01:15:33,354 --> 01:15:34,660 know what I'’m sayin'’?" 1686 01:15:34,660 --> 01:15:36,227 And I was like, "No. 1687 01:15:36,227 --> 01:15:37,794 "But I'’m hoping that you'’ll clarify 1688 01:15:37,794 --> 01:15:39,273 during further conversation." 1689 01:15:44,452 --> 01:15:46,585 And he'’s like, "Yo, man. 1690 01:15:46,585 --> 01:15:48,674 "Why don'’t you say something positive about Barack Obama? 1691 01:15:48,674 --> 01:15:50,415 "All you talk about is that he look like-- 1692 01:15:50,415 --> 01:15:52,765 "You know, what he look like, and that'’s funny and all, 1693 01:15:52,765 --> 01:15:55,028 but, you know, you need to say something else." 1694 01:15:55,028 --> 01:15:56,160 And I was like, "First of all, bro, 1695 01:15:56,160 --> 01:15:57,596 "I'’m just a comedian. 1696 01:15:57,596 --> 01:15:59,380 "Don'’t take me so seriously. 1697 01:15:59,380 --> 01:16:01,165 That'’s what I do. I tell jokes." 1698 01:16:01,165 --> 01:16:02,819 And he'’s like, "Oh, you just gonna, like, 1699 01:16:02,819 --> 01:16:03,994 "sweep it under the rug, right? 1700 01:16:03,994 --> 01:16:05,996 "I'’m trying to help you, dog. 1701 01:16:05,996 --> 01:16:07,606 How you know a brother like me ain'’t got a gun?" 1702 01:16:07,606 --> 01:16:09,826 And that'’s when I got a little ghetto 1703 01:16:09,826 --> 01:16:12,219 and went, "Bitch, how you know a brother like me ain'’t got a gun? 1704 01:16:12,219 --> 01:16:14,047 Where do you think I grew up? I grew up in East L.A." 1705 01:16:14,047 --> 01:16:16,223 Then I realized what I said, and I'’m like, 1706 01:16:16,223 --> 01:16:19,009 "By the way, I don'’t have a gun. I'’m just saying... 1707 01:16:19,009 --> 01:16:20,750 how do you know I don'’t have a gun?" 1708 01:16:24,101 --> 01:16:25,232 So I realized what I said, right? 1709 01:16:25,232 --> 01:16:26,843 And I look at him, 1710 01:16:26,843 --> 01:16:28,366 and I thought I said something pretty cool. 1711 01:16:28,366 --> 01:16:30,194 I look at him and went, "Listen, bro, in all seriousness, 1712 01:16:30,194 --> 01:16:32,500 "I am a comedian doing a comedy show 1713 01:16:32,500 --> 01:16:35,068 "on a comedy stage at a comedy club. 1714 01:16:35,068 --> 01:16:37,375 "I am not to be taken seriously. 1715 01:16:37,375 --> 01:16:40,291 "I am a glorified clown, an evolved court jester. 1716 01:16:40,291 --> 01:16:42,989 "Everything that I do is intended to make people laugh, 1717 01:16:42,989 --> 01:16:44,251 "and that'’s it. 1718 01:16:44,251 --> 01:16:45,644 "That is the standard. 1719 01:16:45,644 --> 01:16:48,038 "Now, I'’ll have you understand 1720 01:16:48,038 --> 01:16:49,605 "that I know you want to judge me 1721 01:16:49,605 --> 01:16:51,824 "based on the way other people see me, 1722 01:16:51,824 --> 01:16:53,783 "but you can'’t do that, because that'’s not my responsibility. 1723 01:16:53,783 --> 01:16:55,698 That'’s how they see it." 1724 01:16:55,698 --> 01:16:57,264 And he'’s like, "What you mean?" 1725 01:16:57,264 --> 01:16:58,962 I said, "I'’ll give you a great example. 1726 01:16:58,962 --> 01:17:01,442 The word "dee-dee-dee" just means "duh" to the third power, 1727 01:17:01,442 --> 01:17:02,356 all right? 1728 01:17:02,356 --> 01:17:04,271 It is. 1729 01:17:04,271 --> 01:17:05,969 The word "dee-dee-dee" is when you leave here, 1730 01:17:05,969 --> 01:17:07,753 you'’re gonna see a couple 1731 01:17:07,753 --> 01:17:09,189 that you'’ve never met in your whole life, 1732 01:17:09,189 --> 01:17:11,278 and your head is immediately gonna go, 1733 01:17:11,278 --> 01:17:13,454 "Oh, my God, I hope those two people don'’t have kids." 1734 01:17:13,454 --> 01:17:15,369 That'’s what it is, 1735 01:17:15,369 --> 01:17:17,284 '’cause you know that he'’s "duh," she'’s "duh," 1736 01:17:17,284 --> 01:17:18,982 and the kid'’s gonna be "duh-duh-duh." 1737 01:17:18,982 --> 01:17:20,984 That'’s all that it is, okay? 1738 01:17:20,984 --> 01:17:24,204 Now, that being said, 1739 01:17:24,204 --> 01:17:26,990 you guys know that dee-dee-dee now, 1740 01:17:26,990 --> 01:17:29,296 to some people, means mentally retarded. 1741 01:17:29,296 --> 01:17:32,735 It has nothing to do with that, but I can'’t control it anymore. 1742 01:17:32,735 --> 01:17:33,997 That'’s what I mean about-- 1743 01:17:33,997 --> 01:17:36,216 You cannot chastise me for the fact 1744 01:17:36,216 --> 01:17:39,002 that people misinterpret what I do or say. 1745 01:17:39,002 --> 01:17:42,527 As an example, again, one of you, or a few of you, 1746 01:17:42,527 --> 01:17:46,009 are gonna mess up my jokes, not say them exactly as I said them, 1747 01:17:46,009 --> 01:17:48,489 and you'’re gonna lose me some fans tomorrow. 1748 01:17:48,489 --> 01:17:50,143 That'’s what you'’re gonna do, 1749 01:17:50,143 --> 01:17:52,015 '’cause somebody is gonna come up to you and go, 1750 01:17:52,015 --> 01:17:53,712 "How was the show?" 1751 01:17:53,712 --> 01:17:55,758 "Oh, my God. My cheeks hurt. It was so funny." 1752 01:17:55,758 --> 01:17:57,107 "What was the funniest joke?" 1753 01:17:57,107 --> 01:18:00,023 "He did this great joke about how Barack Obama 1754 01:18:00,023 --> 01:18:01,502 looks like a nigger monkey." 1755 01:18:01,502 --> 01:18:04,157 Whoa! Hey! Hey! 1756 01:18:04,157 --> 01:18:07,552 [laughter] 1757 01:18:11,251 --> 01:18:13,471 I said he looks like a cartoon character. 1758 01:18:13,471 --> 01:18:15,212 "Same thing." 1759 01:18:15,212 --> 01:18:16,866 No! 1760 01:18:20,739 --> 01:18:22,523 Right? See how you laughed? 1761 01:18:22,523 --> 01:18:24,830 He did not laugh at all. 1762 01:18:24,830 --> 01:18:28,442 He just looked at me and said something 1763 01:18:28,442 --> 01:18:30,575 that didn'’t-- that just did not jive with me. 1764 01:18:30,575 --> 01:18:32,795 He goes, "Oh, so it'’s gonna be like that, right? 1765 01:18:32,795 --> 01:18:35,362 "You know what? I'’m coming back tomorrow, bitch. 1766 01:18:35,362 --> 01:18:37,147 "And I'’m gonna sit in the front row. 1767 01:18:37,147 --> 01:18:38,801 "And I swear to God, if you don'’t do something positive 1768 01:18:38,801 --> 01:18:41,064 "about Barack Obama, our first black president, 1769 01:18:41,064 --> 01:18:42,718 "you and me ain'’t gonna talk. 1770 01:18:42,718 --> 01:18:44,632 Do you understand what I'’m saying now?" 1771 01:18:44,632 --> 01:18:46,591 And that'’s when I got ghetto and went, "What, bitch? 1772 01:18:46,591 --> 01:18:48,506 "You'’re gonna challenge me? You don'’t know me. 1773 01:18:48,506 --> 01:18:50,377 "Give me your name. 1774 01:18:50,377 --> 01:18:52,858 "I'’m gonna buy you a ticket to sit in the front row, 1775 01:18:52,858 --> 01:18:54,860 "and you'’re gonna see me tell the truth about Barack Obama, 1776 01:18:54,860 --> 01:18:56,296 our first black president." 1777 01:18:56,296 --> 01:18:58,603 And he goes, "What'’s the truth? Tell me now." 1778 01:18:58,603 --> 01:19:01,780 And that'’s when I said something I never should'’ve said, 1779 01:19:01,780 --> 01:19:04,827 ever. 1780 01:19:04,827 --> 01:19:07,003 I don'’t even remember saying it. 1781 01:19:09,353 --> 01:19:12,399 I remember hearing it... 1782 01:19:12,399 --> 01:19:13,966 because I was standing there going, 1783 01:19:13,966 --> 01:19:15,838 "Should I say it? Should I not say it?" 1784 01:19:15,838 --> 01:19:17,578 In my head, I'’m like, "I shouldn'’t say it. 1785 01:19:17,578 --> 01:19:19,015 Just keep it to yourself." 1786 01:19:19,015 --> 01:19:20,581 And then he goes, "Say it, bitch! 1787 01:19:20,581 --> 01:19:22,453 Say it, you little bitch!" 1788 01:19:22,453 --> 01:19:24,411 And I said, "Fine, the truth-- 1789 01:19:24,411 --> 01:19:26,109 "that the only black part about Barack Obama 1790 01:19:26,109 --> 01:19:27,893 is that that nigga don'’t know his dad." 1791 01:19:27,893 --> 01:19:30,156 Oh! 1792 01:19:30,156 --> 01:19:32,028 Oh! 1793 01:19:32,028 --> 01:19:35,292 Oh, no! No! 1794 01:19:35,292 --> 01:19:37,511 "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Please don'’t shoot me! 1795 01:19:37,511 --> 01:19:38,817 "Please don'’t shoot me! Please don'’t shoot me! 1796 01:19:38,817 --> 01:19:40,993 Please don'’t shoot me!" 1797 01:19:40,993 --> 01:19:45,693 I turned around, he was like, "Oh, nigga, that'’s real! 1798 01:19:45,693 --> 01:19:48,784 You should'’ve said that onstage!" 1799 01:19:51,003 --> 01:19:53,136 Because that'’s what I do. 1800 01:19:53,136 --> 01:19:56,617 I hope you enjoy it, but I'’m always gonna be that way. 1801 01:19:56,617 --> 01:20:00,883 Whatever my reality is, I keep it real. 1802 01:20:00,883 --> 01:20:03,537 I hope you enjoyed the reality and the humor tonight. 1803 01:20:03,537 --> 01:20:06,236 You are the best audience ever! 1804 01:20:06,236 --> 01:20:07,846 Thank you! 1805 01:20:07,846 --> 01:20:11,371 Good night everybody! 1806 01:20:11,371 --> 01:20:14,244 [cheers and applause] 1807 01:20:16,289 --> 01:20:18,552 Thank you. 1808 01:20:20,511 --> 01:20:22,513 I love you. Love you. 1809 01:20:22,513 --> 01:20:23,601 Love you. 1810 01:20:23,601 --> 01:20:25,298 Love you so much. 1811 01:20:25,298 --> 01:20:27,910 So much! 1812 01:20:27,910 --> 01:20:29,302 All right, man, thank you. 1813 01:20:29,302 --> 01:20:31,652 Thank you. 1814 01:20:31,652 --> 01:20:34,264 [cheers and applause continue]