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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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(muffled crowd cheering)

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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(echoing footsteps)

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- (full volume cheering)
- Hello!

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(applause)

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What am I? Taylor Swift?

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(cheering dies down)

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You make a girl feel good.
Thank you so much. I really...

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I feel great tonight.
I gotta tell you,

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it feels good to feel great

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because I've been feeling
pretty bad recently.

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I've been battling
a depressive episode,
but I'm out of it.

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It was-- It was bad.
It was a postpartum thing.

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My friend just had a baby,

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and so I've just been
mourning the loss

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of that friendship.
(sighs) She gone.

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(laughter)

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Anyone else
losing friends to babies?

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- (cheering, applause)
- Yeah? Yeah. It sucks.

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Is anyone else secretly
hoping those friends

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lose their babies?
Because that's where I'm at.

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- (laughter)
- That's where I'm at!

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I feel bad about it.
I don't say this to them.

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I just think it as I blow out
my birthday candles,

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but you can't help
what you wish.

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(laughter)

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It's not funny.

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My friend just got pregnant
from in vitro.

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She was telling me about it.
She was like,

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"I spent $30,000
doing in vitro."

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I was like, "I'll pay you 40
to get an aborsho.

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"Like, if you wanna make
money on this deal,

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"I'll Venmo you right now.

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"I got money
because I don't got kids, so...

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"I don't know what
I'll write in the memo.

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"Just like a vacuum emoji.

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"I feel like it'll be...
People won't know.

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They'll think I like bought
a vintage Hoover from you."

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(laughter)

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No, I'm thrilled for my friend.
I really am.

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She has me in charge
of the baby shower,
which is gonna be fun.

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I don't know
what we're gonna do yet.

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I think maybe bull riding?
I don't know. Like, I'm just...

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A trampoline park?

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Like, what activities
should we do?

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I was thinking maybe like
a stomach-punching contest

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at a staircase museum.

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- I don't know.
- (laughter)

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Just spitballing.

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Fun. It'd be fun.

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It's crazy when your friends
start trying to get pregnant

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because then you realize
how hard it is

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to get pregnant at your age.
I had no idea.

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Because I don't want kids.
I've been using birth control,

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like an idiot.

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The best, most effective
birth control, turns out,

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it's being 39
and getting cummed in

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- because...
- (cheering)

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these girls can't get pregnant!

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(laughter)

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It's almost like the more
you want a child,

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the more God's just like,
"No, I don't think so.

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"That's, like,
really desperate and sad.

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"You're like...

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like a pick-me mom.
Like, you're trying too hard."

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(laughter)

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He's, like, negging them.
It's so rude.

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He's like, "You waited
till you were 37? Really?

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"Why do you think I gave you
your period when you were 14?
I mean, what...?

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"That wasn't so you'd be
embarrassed in gym class.

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That was so you wouldn't
graduate high school."
You know, like...

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(laughter)

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It's crazy!

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It's changed my whole
birth control method, really.

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Now, because I don't want kids,

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my boyfriend cums in me,
and then we pray together

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for a child afterwards.

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We hold hands, and we say,
"Please, God.

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- We're ready.
We really want one."
- (whooping)

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We try not to laugh
when we say it.

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We're building a nursery,
just trying to throw God off,

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because... he's an asshole.
You know?

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We name each of his loads.
It's fun.

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We're running out of...
We get lazy sometimes.

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There's a lot of Randys, but...

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(laughter)

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My heart goes out to you if you
have fertility issues, truly,

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because it must be
so frustrating to know

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you'd be so good at something,

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yet God will not
give you a baby.

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You've waited long enough
to be good at it.

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God's like, "No, sorry."

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And then you hear about a teen
who gets raped by her uncle,

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and God's like, "Here's twins,"
and you're like,

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"What the fuck?
Are you serious?

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I'm over here trying."

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(cheering and applause)

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So, my boyfriend and I have
stopped doing that role-play

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because that was risky.
We were playing with fire!

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- I had no idea!
- (applause)

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(laughs)

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I miss that one.
That was a fun role-play.
I was good at it.

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I'm a very convincing
naughty niece. I would just...

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- (laughter)
- It was, it was good.

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I would just be like,
"Uncle David,

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"what are you doing here?
This is an all-girls sleepover.

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(laughter)

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"What do you mean you lost
something in the dryer?

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"And you want me to crawl in
and get it out?

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(laughter)

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Are you sure this is
how you get to Narnia?"

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Just stuff like that.
I watch too much porn, whatever.

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(laughter)

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But everyone's telling me,

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"Nikki, at your age,
just freeze your eggs.

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Just freeze 'em.
Freeze your eggs."

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I'm like, "Can I burn them?
Is that an option?

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- Because I hate
this conversation."
- (cheering)

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"Just do it."
I know if I don't do it now,

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it'll be too late, but I could
always go the adoption route

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and give 'em up for adoption,
you know, like that.

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I've never wanted kids.

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I don't think it's gonna
happen in like the last month

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of my fertility.

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I just don't want 'em.

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Even when I was a kid, I would
get baby dolls for Christmas

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and just be like, "Oh, God,
this is gonna be a lot of work.

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This is just-- This is
gonna cut into nap time."

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(laughter)

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I tried to abandon it in front
of my brother's toy firehouse.

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Just anything.
"Get this away from me."

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(laughter)

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And I don't like how adults talk
to you when you have baby dolls.

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They're like,
"Is that your baby?

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Are you its mommy?
Is that your baby?"

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I'm like, "No, a man didn't
fuck me, Aunt Gail.

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-"This is...
- (laughter)

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I don't like your tone."

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No wonder women
rush to have kids.

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We're being trained for it
since we were kids.

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They're like,
"Here's a baby doll.

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Here's an Easy-Bake Oven."

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I got one of those.
I stuck my head in it.

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I was like,
"I want out of this narrative.

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This is my life?"

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I just don't get wanting kids.

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I don't get it.
And I think I'm right

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because I think biology had to
trick us into having kids.

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That's why sex feels good.

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(laughter)

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Orgasms feel as good

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as kids are shitty.

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That is--
They're directly correlated.

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(laughter, cheering)

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(applause)

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We are the only animal species
who actively want kids,

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if you think about it.
You've never seen two dogs like,

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-"We're trying.
- (laughter)

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"It's been really hard.

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She's 12, so you know."

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And you're like,
"What? Oh, dog years.

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"Okay.
I guess that's acceptable.

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I thought you were a puppofile,
but..."

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Kids slow you down
in the animal kingdom.

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They make you
more susceptible to prey.

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They deplete your resources.

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God, if animals could jerk off,

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- there'd be no animals. Like...
- (laughter)

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It's the only reason
they happen.

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They don't connect it.
You ever seen an animal

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give birth on like a nature
documentary show?

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There's a giraffe giving birth.
It's in active labor.

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It doesn't even know.
It's just like, kind of like,
"(shuddering) Oh, God."

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Shaking, just like,
"What's happening?"

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There's no like doula hyena
next to it, like, "Breathe!"
- (laughter)

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(laughs) Well,
maybe there's a hyena,

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but it's waiting
for its lunch to drop.

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- Like it knows more than
the giraffe knows.
- (laughter)

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The giraffe is like,
"What's happening?"

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It just thinks it's constipated.
Then it looks down. It's like,

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"Why am I shitting legs?
What is happening?"

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It's just like, aaah!

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And then a giraffe falls
out of it, and it goes, "Whoa!"

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- And then it like runs from it.
- (laughter)

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Its first instinct is to split

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like a teen mom
in a Del Taco bathroom.

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Just like, "I can get outta
here. No one will know.

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(applause)

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"If it doesn't flush,
I'll just say

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it was the Epic Loaded Burrito.
It looks the same."

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- (laughter)
- But...

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The giraffe wants to leave.

194
00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:05,777
It knows what a burden
this thing is gonna be,

195
00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:07,570
but it stays because it catches
a whiff of it,

196
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and it goes like (sniffing),
and it kinda smells it and goes,

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"Oh, fuck,
I think I love it! Fuck!

198
00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:16,454
- (laughter)
-"Oh no!

199
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,249
This is gonna get me murdered
by a lion. Fuck."

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It doesn't even know. It's like,
"How did this happen?"

201
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It's kinda going back,
like, "When did this..."
And then it goes,

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"Oh yeah, I got raped
that one time 15 months ago

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by the other giraffe,"
because all animal sex is rape.

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Sorry to tell you this way,
but it's true.

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(giggles)

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The giraffe's just like, "Oh,
I guess it's probably my fault.

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"I shouldn't have been
wearing animal print.

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- No, that was on me.
That's on me."
- (laughter, cheering)

209
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,235
But I, I...

210
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I get why you have kids. I...

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I don't get it.
I was trying to be nice.

212
00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:53,992
- (laughter)
- I really don't get it.

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I don't get it.

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I mean, I do think there is
something different than me

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00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,499
and people who want kids.
I think, um,

216
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,835
I think I'm different
than people who want kids

217
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:07,339
- because I'm... smart.
I think that that's mainly it.
- (laughter)

218
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:10,759
I'm a more intelligent person,
and I think things through.

219
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:13,720
No, (laughs) I don't think that.

220
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,765
No, I actually think that people
that want kids are stupid.

221
00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,600
- (cheering)
- Like I think they're dumb,

222
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,268
and they just
kind of go with whatever.

223
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,520
No, I don't think that
at all either. I really don't.

224
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Listen, I get why you have kids.

225
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,649
- I'm not so naïve.
- (laughter)

226
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,610
Like it's because you love them.

227
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That's a great feeling
to feel the love

228
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that you have for your child.

229
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It's a feeling I've heard of,
and it sounds so good,

230
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and I might not get to feel it,

231
00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,703
and sometimes I get
bummed out by that.

232
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I'm like, "Is this
a human life worth living

233
00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:42,832
to not feel that great love?"

234
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,043
And then, I think about,
you know, you don't get to feel

235
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:48,463
- every feeling in life
that's good, you know?
- (laughter)

236
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:51,758
Like, I also have
no plans on doing heroin.

237
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,552
Like I hear that feeling's
pretty great.

238
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:57,889
I hear it might be better
than the kid feeling,

239
00:09:57,889 --> 00:10:00,016
- to be honest with you.
- (laughter)

240
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,394
Because I know people
who have kids who do heroin,

241
00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:04,896
and they're like, "Kids-shmids.
Leave 'em in the car.

242
00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:07,565
"Let's go get more heroin.
Crack a window.

243
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:09,859
(laughter)

244
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:12,696
"Actually, bring the kid.
Let's sell it for heroin.

245
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:16,199
"I don't care about this kid
because I love heroin.

246
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,287
"Yes, I'd die for my kids,
but I will die of heroin.

247
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,248
- That is certain."
- (laughter)

248
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:25,583
So, I don't know.

249
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:28,128
Who am I to say what's
gonna happen with me?

250
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,212
I could change my mind.

251
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:30,922
Maybe I just haven't met
the right person yet

252
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:34,259
- to do heroin with,
but I just...
- (laughter)

253
00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:39,264
Someday, I'll just tie the knot,
and it'll be right here.

254
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,766
(laughter, applause)

255
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:44,644
I think this is the arm with
the good vein. I don't know.

256
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,731
(giggles)

257
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:53,153
I do get-- that love
that you feel, holy shit.

258
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,612
I think that's why
I don't want kids

259
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:56,990
is because I'm actually
scared of that love.

260
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,534
Loving something that much
terrifies me.

261
00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,161
That's so brave
that you took that on.

262
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,788
If you're a parent,
you put your entire life

263
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:05,415
into the hands of
a toddler who's like,

264
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:08,918
-"Traffic!" Just like,
what the fuck? Like...
- (laughter)

265
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,547
Do you also free solo climb?

266
00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:15,633
Like, that's crazy
that you did that.

267
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,635
That's so risky
because I, I mean,

268
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:19,679
I'm almost mad at
my sister for having kids

269
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,723
because the way I feel
about my niece and nephew,

270
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:25,018
if anything ever happened
to them, like, I would...

271
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,979
- I'd be okay.
I'd be okay eventually.
- (laughter)

272
00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:30,440
At first, it would be the worst!

273
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:33,318
Oh, it'd be awful, but then,
like, a Taylor Swift album

274
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:35,528
would come out. Like,
I would kind of like rebound.

275
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,531
I would have moments of like,

276
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,033
"I'm back to my old self."
But, my sister,

277
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,869
no Taylor Swift will get her
out of that, you know?

278
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,746
It's over for her
if something happens.

279
00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,164
That's extremely risky.

280
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,958
That's really impressive to me
to take on that.

281
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:52,003
I think it's just
I look at being a mom,

282
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:55,674
and I think it's too hard
to be a mom for me. I just...

283
00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:57,467
Actually, no.
It's not hard to be a mom.

284
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,886
It's hard to be a good mom.
That's...

285
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,888
It's easy to be a bad mom.

286
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:05,225
- That's so easy,
but to be a good mom is hard.
- (cheering)

287
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,103
To be a bad mom, that's as easy
as being a great dad.

288
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:11,439
- That's what that is.
- (laughter)

289
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:13,233
(cheering)

290
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,694
- Yeah.
- (applause)

291
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:18,113
It's a cakewalk, you know it.

292
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,198
It's not your fault.
It's just the way it is.

293
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:23,076
And I know there are some dads
that do just as much as moms,

294
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,828
and it's because
your wife is dead.

295
00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:27,038
- (laughter)
- That's probably why.

296
00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:29,499
Otherwise, it doesn't happen.

297
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,337
But some people just know, man.
Some moms just know.

298
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,715
"I always knew I would be
a mom," that's what they say.

299
00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,384
(breathy)
"I always knew
I would be a mom."

300
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:42,762
(normal)
They have to say it
with that ethereal, breathy,

301
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,557
- condescending tone.
- (laughter)

302
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:46,933
(breathy)
"You struggle with the decision?

303
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,727
I always knew
I'd be a mom."

304
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:49,978
(laughter)

305
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:53,023
Oh, wow. I always knew
I'd mute you on Instagram.

306
00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,190
(cheering)

307
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:57,444
They're like,
"I'm a mom. I'm a mom.

308
00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,530
I'm a mama bear.
I'm a mom-om-om."

309
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,408
(normal)
Why do you have to say
it like that? Just say,

310
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:06,661
"I'm a-- I'm a mom."
Like you don't have to go,

311
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:10,081
-"Mom... mm... (smacking)
- (laughter)

312
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,542
I wish you could taste
how good it feels to be a mom."

313
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,794
(moaning, smacking)

314
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,339
They swallow the "mama."
Mm...

315
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,424
Like, I wish you would've
swallowed your husband's load

316
00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:22,635
- because this persona
that you've adopted?
- (laughter)

317
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,803
It's insufferable.

318
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,264
(cheering)

319
00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,767
I think some moms think
that if you don't have kids,

320
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:31,061
you're a selfish person,
and I get that.

321
00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:34,356
I think it's a little selfish
of me to not want kids,

322
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,440
but I'll admit it. Yeah.

323
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,942
I just don't feel like
devoting my free time

324
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,736
to something
that could marry a DJ.

325
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:43,198
- I just think that's reckless.
- (laughter)

326
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,492
(cheering)

327
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,828
And I know that there are moms
that are like,

328
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,997
"I'm just not as
self-obsessed anymore.

329
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,665
It's just not about me anymore."
And I'm like,

330
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,459
"Yeah, we can tell.

331
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:57,253
"Your hair looks like you've
always rubbed a balloon on it.

332
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,797
(laughter)

333
00:13:58,797 --> 00:14:00,674
"You dress like you work
in a toll booth.

334
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,967
"I get it that you don't
work on you anymore,

335
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:06,721
but you focus on your child.
That's an extension of you."

336
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:10,642
Having a kid doesn't make you
just a selfless person suddenly.

337
00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,268
I don't see women
becoming moms and going,

338
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,187
"I'm gonna go volunteer
in a soup kitchen.

339
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,147
I'm gonna go build
a home in Honduras."

340
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:17,982
No, you're just feeding Cheerios

341
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,151
to something that
looks like you. Like that...

342
00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,320
(laughter)

343
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,073
Thank you for doing that.
It's a noble job,

344
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:28,034
but you're treating
a problem that you caused.

345
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,829
Like this wouldn't be here
if you didn't have it.

346
00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:32,497
(cheering)

347
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:36,209
It's hard work, but you
signed up for it, you know?

348
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,962
You can't be like,
"I pick up litter!"
And it's like, yeah,

349
00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:40,672
but you threw it there.
Like, this isn't...

350
00:14:40,672 --> 00:14:43,675
- (cheering)
- (giggles)

351
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:49,180
I don't think your kids
are trash, by the way.
That's not what I meant.

352
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:51,307
I don't. I'm so grateful
that you have them

353
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:53,518
because we need kids.

354
00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:56,104
We need future people to save us

355
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,648
from the state
the world is in right now.

356
00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:02,444
I don't know if you've noticed,
it's kinda... it's kinda ending.

357
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:05,947
- (laughter)
- Things are coming
to a close, and yeah.

358
00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:07,365
Maybe you didn't notice
if you had kids

359
00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,451
because why would you do that?
I mean...

360
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:11,870
Your kid's gonna graduate
high school in a bunker,

361
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:13,538
- but that's fine. I mean...
- (laughter)

362
00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:16,791
I'm sure your kid will be
just fine in the water wars,

363
00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:18,710
- I'm sure. Yeah.
- (laughter)

364
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:21,171
Your kid,
who won't eat a turkey slice

365
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:23,798
"Because it touched a pickle!"

366
00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:26,718
(laughter)

367
00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:28,553
He'll be fine
eating canned beans

368
00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:31,598
for decades in
a hole in the ground. He'll--

369
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:36,394
- Finleigh with a "GH"
is gonna do just...
- (laughter)

370
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:40,815
just fine scavenging
for drinking water

371
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:44,569
in ammunition craters.
Whatever we have to do.

372
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:46,154
He's gonna be great.

373
00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:48,239
No, if anyone saves us,
it's gonna be your kid.

374
00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:50,241
We need someone to save us,

375
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:52,535
and if someone saves us,
it'll be your...

376
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:55,789
- Well, not your kid,
no offense, but...
- (laughter)

377
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:57,248
you paid money
to see a comedian

378
00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:58,583
who mostly talks
about her pussy,

379
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,211
- so I just don't think
that your kid...
- (laughter)

380
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,339
Neither would mine. (laughs)
And I will talk about my pussy.

381
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:07,967
- I just wanna let you know.
The night is young.
- (cheering)

382
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,720
My pussy is old.
You'll hear about it.

383
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,515
But, yeah, Greta Thunberg's
parents aren't here tonight.

384
00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:15,225
- I'm sorry.
- (laughter)

385
00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:17,560
Our kids would not
save the world.

386
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,104
You know that. I mean,

387
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,856
they might bully the kid
who would save the world.

388
00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:23,233
(laughter)

389
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,776
And then, that kid
won't save the world

390
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:28,488
because our kid called them
gay on Facebook, so, I mean...

391
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,281
(laughter)

392
00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:33,785
- It's okay. It's...
- (woman whoops)

393
00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,453
Having kids is smart, actually.

394
00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:38,331
It actually is the smart thing
to do. You're wise to do it

395
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,291
because someday
you're gonna get old,

396
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:43,336
and no one is gonna
care about you anymore.

397
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,046
Alright? But,

398
00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,631
if you have kids,

399
00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,967
- someone might?
- (laughter)

400
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:52,762
They might!
You might get lucky.

401
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,180
It's gonna be your kid, right?

402
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:57,183
Having a son or daughter
is just having a future person

403
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,644
who's like, "Yeah,
I gotta go see Dad later.

404
00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,062
(annoyed sigh)

405
00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,522
"Yeah, I need to get
some more Vicodin.

406
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,399
"So, yeah.

407
00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:07,360
"Gotta go check in on him
at the home.

408
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,696
"Yeah, I hear he's calling
the nurses the N-word,

409
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:12,157
-"so I gotta...
- (laughter)

410
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,659
"I gotta go see that...

411
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,786
Because they're white,
that's hilarious. So, uh..."

412
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,455
(laughter)

413
00:17:18,455 --> 00:17:20,498
(giggles) It's true.

414
00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,834
Your kids will take care of you.
That's a good thing to do.

415
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,753
That's insurance.
I don't have that.

416
00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:29,132
If I get old, who's gonna
care for me? You know?

417
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,843
- speaker: I got you, Nikki!
- No, you don't, sir.

418
00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:35,180
(laughter)

419
00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:37,515
I don't think you do.

420
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:40,101
(cheering)

421
00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:43,188
Famous women do have caretakers
when they get older,

422
00:17:43,188 --> 00:17:45,648
but they're gay men, okay?
That's our only hope.

423
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:48,860
- (cheering)
- And that didn't sound
like one to me.

424
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:51,613
(applause)

425
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:53,531
Yeah, I do worry about that.
I'm like,

426
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:56,993
"What if I don't have kids?
Who's gonna care for me?"

427
00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:59,871
Not my niece and nephew after
that fucking joke I just told,

428
00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:02,499
- so...
- (laughter)

429
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:05,335
I gotta have a plan.
And I do have a plan

430
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:07,379
because I always forget
I'm gonna kill myself.

431
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:10,965
- I always... Duh!
- (laughter)

432
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:14,386
- Yeah. I know, but, like...
- (applause)

433
00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:17,222
(breathy)
I've, like, always known
I was gonna kill myself.

434
00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:21,059
- (laughter)
- Like, I've just, like,
always known.

435
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,394
Mm...

436
00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:26,189
(normal)
No, I'm not gonna do it
anytime soon.

437
00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:27,816
Don't worry.
I know that's grim.

438
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:30,193
It'll be so far in the future.

439
00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:32,028
You'll hear about it,
I swear to God, and you'll go,

440
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,781
-"Wait, who?" Like...
- (laughter)

441
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,242
You'll go, "Oh, wait, yeah.
I think we went to go see her,

442
00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:39,411
"like, 40 years ago.

443
00:18:39,411 --> 00:18:41,287
"I think she talked about that!
Oh, my God!

444
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:44,165
-"She did? Good for her. Ah!
- (laughter)

445
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:46,584
"Yeah. I remember
that night in Seattle,

446
00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,920
when it was still above water.
That was fun."

447
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,256
(laughter)

448
00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:56,261
Yeah, the thoughts of death,
I don't like to dwell on them

449
00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:59,431
for longer than, like,
10 or 15 hours a day, so...

450
00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:02,350
(laughter)

451
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,102
I hope that when I get
to the end of my life,

452
00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,603
I'm just like,
"Oh, I have to die?

453
00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:08,440
-"Thank God. Jesus Christ.
- (laughter)

454
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:12,152
"This has been so long.
I'm just ready for a break,
you know?

455
00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:13,945
"I just really wanna unplug...

456
00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:17,949
-"that ventilator. Please.
Just let me go.
- (laughter)

457
00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:20,118
Anyone? Anyone?"

458
00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:23,246
- I'll be alone.
I don't have kids.
- (cheering)

459
00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:25,290
But it has to happen!

460
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:27,917
You have to die at some point,
and I don't like that.

461
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,128
But that's the thing
about death. It has to happen.

462
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:31,963
We all know it.
And I don't like

463
00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,631
that I just have to wait
and see, like,

464
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,550
(funny voice)
"What's gonna happen?
How's it gonna--

465
00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:37,469
How am I gonna go?"
You know?

466
00:19:37,469 --> 00:19:40,221
(normal) I like to choose
my own adventure.

467
00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:43,516
I'm a DIY kind of gal, you know?

468
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,935
I wanna get crafty.
I wanna go to a Michael's

469
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,562
and pick out some sturdy yarn,

470
00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:51,149
- crochet a noose.
I don't know. I'm just...
- (laughter)

471
00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,610
Think it could be fun.

472
00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:54,736
But it sucks in America.

473
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:57,364
You just have to die
of whatever you get, you know?

474
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,657
Your dog doesn't have to.
You can put down your dog

475
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:02,786
- if its hip kind of hurts.
- (laughter)

476
00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:03,953
They're so lucky.

477
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,498
Can you imagine going to
your doctor and being like,

478
00:20:06,498 --> 00:20:10,502
"My acid reflux is just
flaring up recently, so...

479
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:13,296
-"can we just end it?
Like, can we just...
- (laughter)

480
00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:16,424
It's been a good life.
It's time."

481
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:19,844
It's a compassionate thing
to do for your dog.

482
00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,680
People are like,
"We had to put down Stripey

483
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,974
"because she can't walk down
the stairs anymore,

484
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:27,102
and that's not a life
worth living."

485
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:31,272
But Grandma can only communicate
with her eyeballs,

486
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:35,485
yet we just think
she's got more life to live.

487
00:20:36,027 --> 00:20:38,863
Let's keep paying
$8,000 a month

488
00:20:38,863 --> 00:20:41,700
because there's more chapters
to her story!

489
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:45,453
- (laughter)
- There are! I mean,
just yesterday,

490
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:48,164
she bit a nurse,
so who's to say?

491
00:20:48,707 --> 00:20:50,875
(giggles) Yeah,
I hope to be able to die

492
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:54,462
with dignity when I want to.
Euthanasia, peacefully.

493
00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:56,339
But I don't know, man.

494
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,425
I think I might have to just
blow my head off.

495
00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,385
I know it's rough,
but it's quick,

496
00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:02,679
and guns are easier to get
in this country than compassion,

497
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,390
- so what am I supposed to do?
- (laughter)

498
00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:09,185
(applause, cheering)

499
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:11,396
It's not fair.

500
00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:14,232
My mom hates that joke.
She goes, "Stop telling people

501
00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:15,734
"you're gonna
blow your head off.

502
00:21:15,734 --> 00:21:18,236
"No one wants to hear.
That's disgusting.
It's disturbing!

503
00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:19,863
I don't wanna think about that!"

504
00:21:19,863 --> 00:21:21,990
And I go, "You know what, Mom?
Actually, you're right.

505
00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:23,241
"That is really disturbing.

506
00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:25,493
"For you, I'll die
of esophageal cancer.

507
00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:27,495
-"Is that better for you?
- (laughter)

508
00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:29,414
"I want you there for it.
It'll look something like this.

509
00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:30,707
"I'll be in a wheelchair,
just like...

510
00:21:30,707 --> 00:21:34,586
- (gagged yelling)
- (laughter)

511
00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:40,258
"For, like, 11 minutes.
Is that cool?

512
00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:42,510
"Until I finally choke
and drown on my own saliva.

513
00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:44,220
"I'll lock eyes with you
the entire time.

514
00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:45,972
-"I think you should be there!
- (laughter)

515
00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:48,475
That's better than me
blowing my head off, right?"

516
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,519
Neither are ideal, but at least
if I blow my head off,

517
00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:53,146
I could stuff my mouth
with confetti.

518
00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:56,816
- We'll do a gender reveal.
I don't know, let's just...
- (laughter)

519
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,943
It could be festive!

520
00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:02,280
We'll usher one life
into the world

521
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,949
as we snuff out my own.
I think it could be cool.

522
00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:07,911
Listen, I know this is taboo.

523
00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:10,413
I know suicide is a scourge
on our nation,

524
00:22:10,413 --> 00:22:13,375
and it's a subject
that's a little touchy,

525
00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:16,252
but I actually feel like I have
a right to talk about it

526
00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:18,546
because... (sighs)

527
00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:21,675
uh, I'm gonna kill myself
someday, so, like, I...

528
00:22:21,675 --> 00:22:23,426
(laughter)

529
00:22:23,426 --> 00:22:27,430
I'm a future victim of it,
so I can talk about it.

530
00:22:27,430 --> 00:22:29,015
That's what comedians
do a lot of times.

531
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,768
They'll like caveat a joke
that they're scared to tell

532
00:22:31,768 --> 00:22:33,770
because they don't wanna get
canceled, so they'll be like,

533
00:22:33,770 --> 00:22:37,190
"But I can do this because
bah bah bah bah." You know?

534
00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:38,525
Like, if I were to say
right now,

535
00:22:38,525 --> 00:22:40,151
"Guys, I'm gonna do
some rape jokes,"

536
00:22:40,151 --> 00:22:43,655
- you might go, "Go back
to the suicide stuff, please."
- (laughter)

537
00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:45,365
But if I said,
"But I can do these jokes

538
00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:46,658
because I've been raped,"

539
00:22:46,658 --> 00:22:49,035
you'd go, "Oh, thank God
she was raped. Okay, good.

540
00:22:49,035 --> 00:22:52,455
- (laughter)
-"Hoo! I thought
she hadn't been raped.

541
00:22:52,455 --> 00:22:54,874
"Thank God
she was brutally raped.

542
00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,668
Now, I can relax.

543
00:22:56,668 --> 00:22:59,838
- I was nervous before."
- (laughter)

544
00:22:59,838 --> 00:23:01,506
That seems weird.

545
00:23:01,506 --> 00:23:03,341
But comedians are scared
of getting canceled,

546
00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:05,176
so they have
to do these caveats.

547
00:23:05,176 --> 00:23:06,678
They either say,
"It happened to me,"

548
00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:09,055
or they'll say,
"My family has this,"

549
00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:11,683
and then they throw
their relative under the bus

550
00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:14,102
just to make their joke.
You've seen this before.

551
00:23:14,102 --> 00:23:16,813
There'll be a comedian
that has a really bad take

552
00:23:16,813 --> 00:23:18,940
on trans people,
and they'll do all these jokes,

553
00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:20,734
and then they go,
"I can do these jokes, actually,

554
00:23:20,734 --> 00:23:22,569
"because I have
a trans sister... radio,

555
00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:24,612
-"and I listen to
Fox News on it.
- (laughter)

556
00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:27,991
"So I'm misinformed
and I'm an asshole,

557
00:23:27,991 --> 00:23:31,703
and I think it's weird.
I think they're weird."

558
00:23:31,703 --> 00:23:34,289
I'm like, "Can you transition
into less of a cunt?

559
00:23:34,289 --> 00:23:38,168
- Is that possible?"
- (cheering)

560
00:23:38,168 --> 00:23:40,628
(applause)

561
00:23:40,628 --> 00:23:43,089
So annoying.
It's true.

562
00:23:43,715 --> 00:23:46,384
I have jokes though that
I wanna do that I can't

563
00:23:46,384 --> 00:23:49,262
because I don't have any
family members with, uh,

564
00:23:49,262 --> 00:23:50,847
autism.
That's the jokes I have.

565
00:23:50,847 --> 00:23:54,517
I can't. I have autism jokes
because I've dated guys with it,

566
00:23:54,517 --> 00:23:56,728
and they were diagnosed
by me and TikTok,

567
00:23:56,728 --> 00:23:58,730
- so I know that they have it.
- (laughter)

568
00:23:58,730 --> 00:24:01,524
It's confirmed,
but I can't do the jokes

569
00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:04,277
because I don't have any
family members with autism.

570
00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:05,779
I will say my nephew
is two and a half,

571
00:24:05,779 --> 00:24:08,865
and he isn't talking yet,
so fingers crossed, but like...

572
00:24:08,865 --> 00:24:11,576
(laughter)

573
00:24:12,619 --> 00:24:15,872
We didn't get a diagnosis
in time for this special, so mm!

574
00:24:15,872 --> 00:24:18,500
(laughs) It's a bummer.

575
00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:20,085
I'll get canceled
at some point.

576
00:24:20,085 --> 00:24:24,047
The cancel train is coming for
old Glase-talk, for sure.

577
00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:26,508
And my nephew is gonna
love that train because...

578
00:24:26,508 --> 00:24:29,094
- But, um...
- (laughter)

579
00:24:29,094 --> 00:24:32,722
I got one in. I got one in!

580
00:24:32,722 --> 00:24:33,848
(giggles)

581
00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:36,184
No, but I really do suffer
with suicidal thoughts.

582
00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:39,646
I have depression. I get
suicidal thoughts quite often,

583
00:24:39,646 --> 00:24:41,606
and it's something
I've struggled with a long time,

584
00:24:41,606 --> 00:24:44,317
and I've felt alone
a lot of times

585
00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:45,902
with my suicidal thoughts.
But then,

586
00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:47,987
I actually talked
about it for the first time

587
00:24:47,987 --> 00:24:50,532
on the Joe Rogan podcast,
and the response I got,

588
00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:52,200
it was crazy.

589
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,452
I got hundreds of DMs
telling me,

590
00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:56,955
"You should kill yourself."
And so, I was like,

591
00:24:56,955 --> 00:25:01,042
other people think it, too.
I'm not alone, you know?

592
00:25:01,835 --> 00:25:03,628
No, they're very common,
and if you get them,

593
00:25:03,628 --> 00:25:05,046
please don't listen to them.

594
00:25:05,046 --> 00:25:07,215
I know that if they ever
get too loud for me,

595
00:25:07,215 --> 00:25:09,259
I'm gonna call
the number 988.

596
00:25:09,259 --> 00:25:11,803
It's a hotline, 24 hours a day.
There's someone there

597
00:25:11,803 --> 00:25:14,639
- who will listen to you...
kill yourself.
- (cheering)

598
00:25:14,639 --> 00:25:16,433
(laughter, applause)

599
00:25:16,433 --> 00:25:19,686
No. Call 988.
You have to call it.

600
00:25:19,686 --> 00:25:21,229
Please, please, please do.

601
00:25:21,229 --> 00:25:23,231
It's just like 911,
but it's 988.

602
00:25:23,231 --> 00:25:25,025
Please remember it, 988.

603
00:25:25,025 --> 00:25:26,484
Don't call 911.

604
00:25:26,484 --> 00:25:28,820
For some reason,
they had to create a new number.

605
00:25:28,820 --> 00:25:30,697
I guess people
were calling 911, like,

606
00:25:30,697 --> 00:25:32,490
"I think I'm gonna kill myself,"
and they're like,

607
00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:35,201
"Call us when you do,"
and just hang up. I...

608
00:25:35,201 --> 00:25:38,329
- (laughter)
- Okay.

609
00:25:40,457 --> 00:25:42,625
It's really hard to get
out of depression.

610
00:25:42,625 --> 00:25:43,960
Sometimes, the best way to do it

611
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:47,339
is just to get out of
your own head and to give back,

612
00:25:47,339 --> 00:25:49,591
and I actually decided tonight
to donate the proceeds

613
00:25:49,591 --> 00:25:52,218
from this show directly
to this natural disaster

614
00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:56,306
I've been following. There is
a landslide currently happening

615
00:25:56,306 --> 00:25:59,017
on my face. It's my skin

616
00:25:59,017 --> 00:26:01,019
slipping off my skull,

617
00:26:01,019 --> 00:26:03,438
like hot cheese
off a slice of pizza

618
00:26:03,438 --> 00:26:05,398
that you pulled out too fast.

619
00:26:05,398 --> 00:26:06,816
- It's alarming.
- (applause)

620
00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:10,111
- Is anyone else aging?
Jesus Christ.
- speaker: Yeah!

621
00:26:10,111 --> 00:26:12,030
Yeah. Oh, I can tell.

622
00:26:12,030 --> 00:26:15,367
- (laughter)
- It's-- No, I can't see you.

623
00:26:15,367 --> 00:26:18,036
Gravity is such a cunt, dude,
I can't...

624
00:26:18,036 --> 00:26:19,120
(laughter)

625
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:21,664
What I want, I'm gonna use
the money from tonight,

626
00:26:21,664 --> 00:26:25,293
I'm gonna get a brow lift.
Like, I just want this.

627
00:26:25,293 --> 00:26:27,754
I know I want this because
every time I'm stressed out,

628
00:26:27,754 --> 00:26:29,714
and I'm like, "Oh, God!
I have so much to do,"

629
00:26:29,714 --> 00:26:31,466
I'm like,
"Oh, my God, snatch."

630
00:26:31,466 --> 00:26:33,551
- (laughter)
- I'll look in the mirror, like,

631
00:26:33,551 --> 00:26:35,970
"Okay! What?

632
00:26:35,970 --> 00:26:38,890
I've never felt worse,
but I've never looked better."

633
00:26:38,890 --> 00:26:41,351
- (laughter)
- I like love bad news now.

634
00:26:41,351 --> 00:26:44,771
When I hear about
a mass shooting,
I'm like, "No! Again?"

635
00:26:44,771 --> 00:26:47,232
And then I'm like,
"Wait, am I on 'Selling Sunset'?

636
00:26:47,232 --> 00:26:49,901
-"What's happening?
Tell me how many casualties.
- (laughter)

637
00:26:49,901 --> 00:26:53,029
- 47? Oh, Chrishell!"
- (cheering)

638
00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:54,989
(giggles)

639
00:26:55,615 --> 00:26:56,908
(sighs)
There's a shooting every day,

640
00:26:56,908 --> 00:27:00,203
so it's been really good
for my skin. Um...

641
00:27:00,870 --> 00:27:02,080
People don't want you
to get face work.

642
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:03,415
My boyfriend's like,
"Don't do it.

643
00:27:03,415 --> 00:27:05,333
Don't do anything to your
perfect face. Do your tits."

644
00:27:05,333 --> 00:27:08,837
- And I go, "What?
What did you..."
- (laughter)

645
00:27:10,922 --> 00:27:13,216
I'll get to these. I don't need
to get to 'em any time soon.

646
00:27:13,216 --> 00:27:15,635
I mean, they're definitely
falling, but, like,

647
00:27:15,635 --> 00:27:17,971
this is kinda in right now,
you know?

648
00:27:17,971 --> 00:27:20,223
Fashion-wise,
under-boob is so in.

649
00:27:20,223 --> 00:27:24,144
Side-boob, so cool,
and that is all I have.

650
00:27:24,144 --> 00:27:25,770
(laughter, cheering)

651
00:27:25,770 --> 00:27:27,939
I got so much under-boob,
so much side-boob.

652
00:27:27,939 --> 00:27:31,234
- I got no top-boob, none.
- (cheering)

653
00:27:31,234 --> 00:27:34,612
I haven't had top-boob
since Whitney Houston died.
I mean, that was...

654
00:27:34,612 --> 00:27:35,947
(scattered groans)

655
00:27:35,947 --> 00:27:38,825
It was seriously around
that time! Now, it's just...

656
00:27:38,825 --> 00:27:40,201
I mean,
it's kinda changed my life.

657
00:27:40,201 --> 00:27:42,912
- Titty fucking is better.
- (laughter)

658
00:27:42,912 --> 00:27:46,249
My boyfriend just puts
his penis next to my rib,

659
00:27:46,249 --> 00:27:50,128
and I flop over my tit
like a weighted blanket,

660
00:27:50,128 --> 00:27:52,380
and then I just
move from side to side.

661
00:27:52,380 --> 00:27:54,466
- I just go like this.
- (cheering)

662
00:27:54,466 --> 00:27:57,802
He stands next to the bed.
I kneel,

663
00:27:57,802 --> 00:27:59,804
and I just, I do this.
I'm like a cactus.

664
00:27:59,804 --> 00:28:02,098
One of those cactuses
with sunglasses that's like,

665
00:28:02,098 --> 00:28:04,309
(humming) It's so easy!

666
00:28:04,309 --> 00:28:06,561
I used to have to smush it
and be like, "Wah!"

667
00:28:06,561 --> 00:28:09,481
- But now, it's just (humming).
- (laughter)

668
00:28:09,481 --> 00:28:10,899
It's great for older women.

669
00:28:10,899 --> 00:28:12,942
That's definitely what they
were doing in the fantasy suite

670
00:28:12,942 --> 00:28:15,653
on "The Golden Bachelor."
That is absolutely...

671
00:28:15,653 --> 00:28:18,656
They were just doing
the funky cactus all night long.

672
00:28:18,656 --> 00:28:20,992
(laughter)

673
00:28:22,744 --> 00:28:24,704
But yeah, aging blows.

674
00:28:24,704 --> 00:28:28,708
And if you're younger than me,
girls in your 20s...

675
00:28:28,708 --> 00:28:31,795
- and 30s... (laughs) Fuck.
- (laughter)

676
00:28:31,795 --> 00:28:34,339
I forgot how old I am.
I'm in my late 30s, okay?

677
00:28:34,339 --> 00:28:36,508
I'm in my latest 30, and so...

678
00:28:36,508 --> 00:28:37,842
(laughter)

679
00:28:37,842 --> 00:28:39,844
Holdin' on. But yeah.

680
00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:42,347
You will age.
Everyone, all girls in your 20s,

681
00:28:42,347 --> 00:28:44,140
you will age.
I know you think you won't.

682
00:28:44,724 --> 00:28:47,310
I used to be like you.
You'd look at women
like me or older,

683
00:28:47,310 --> 00:28:49,104
and you just kind of go like,
"That's so sad.

684
00:28:49,104 --> 00:28:53,024
"What's happening to her neck?
Like, that's such a bummer.

685
00:28:53,733 --> 00:28:55,652
"That's not gonna happen to me.
I don't know.

686
00:28:55,652 --> 00:28:58,196
"I just don't wanna age.
I just don't feel like it.

687
00:28:58,196 --> 00:29:00,323
"I know my mom
and grandmother did,

688
00:29:00,323 --> 00:29:03,785
but our generation's different.
Like I wanna travel. You know?"

689
00:29:03,785 --> 00:29:05,787
- (laughter)
- It's like, "What?

690
00:29:05,787 --> 00:29:07,789
No, you're gonna age. You
will."

691
00:29:07,789 --> 00:29:10,208
This area, this... (laughs)

692
00:29:10,208 --> 00:29:13,503
- I know you see this,
and you go, "Oh, no."
- (laughter)

693
00:29:13,503 --> 00:29:15,755
But that's your future, man.
Your neck is also gonna look

694
00:29:15,755 --> 00:29:18,008
like an old tarp
next to your dad's shed.

695
00:29:18,008 --> 00:29:21,386
- (laughter)
- This is all falling down.

696
00:29:21,386 --> 00:29:23,555
It will!
Please keep vaping.

697
00:29:23,555 --> 00:29:24,848
(laughter)

698
00:29:24,848 --> 00:29:27,892
Please, please keep vaping.

699
00:29:29,269 --> 00:29:32,397
Everything goes.
This buttress falls.

700
00:29:32,397 --> 00:29:35,400
Your eyelids. I actually sent
a picture of my eyelids

701
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:38,945
- for the inspiration
for this backdrop. That was...
- (laughter)

702
00:29:38,945 --> 00:29:42,198
- That's my upper eyelid.
- (applause)

703
00:29:42,198 --> 00:29:44,659
That's my left labia.

704
00:29:44,659 --> 00:29:47,746
(laughter)

705
00:29:47,746 --> 00:29:48,955
I f-- (laughs)

706
00:29:48,955 --> 00:29:52,125
My pussy is falling as well.
It's all falling.

707
00:29:52,125 --> 00:29:54,252
You don't even think about it.
You don't think about that part.

708
00:29:54,252 --> 00:29:56,588
You're so obsessed
with your face because
you see it all the time,

709
00:29:56,588 --> 00:29:59,549
but I saw my vagina
the other day.

710
00:29:59,549 --> 00:30:01,551
We ran into each other
in the bathtub.

711
00:30:01,551 --> 00:30:05,263
- (laughter)
- And I try not to see
that thing too often.

712
00:30:05,263 --> 00:30:07,182
I don't like seeing it.
It bums me out.

713
00:30:07,182 --> 00:30:10,852
It's like reading the news.
I'm depressed for a couple days,

714
00:30:10,852 --> 00:30:12,812
can't shake it.

715
00:30:12,812 --> 00:30:14,731
I try to see my pussy
as often as, uh,

716
00:30:14,731 --> 00:30:17,609
as my dentist sees it,
so that's...

717
00:30:17,609 --> 00:30:19,319
- (laughter)
- Yeah.

718
00:30:19,319 --> 00:30:21,488
I'm just so worried
it's gonna grow teeth.

719
00:30:21,488 --> 00:30:24,157
It's a weird fear of mine.

720
00:30:24,157 --> 00:30:25,867
He checks, he goes,
"There's no teeth."

721
00:30:25,867 --> 00:30:27,827
And I go,
"Just wanted you to check."

722
00:30:27,827 --> 00:30:29,287
He's like,
"All I see is one big cavity,"

723
00:30:29,287 --> 00:30:32,999
- and I go, "Okay. Ha, ha, ha."
- (laughter)

724
00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:36,461
He's like, "I can fill it
for you," and I go, "Enough!"

725
00:30:36,461 --> 00:30:38,046
(laughter)

726
00:30:38,630 --> 00:30:40,924
I gotta make an effort
to see my vagina more often.

727
00:30:40,924 --> 00:30:43,259
I gotta (laughs) put an alarm
on my phone.

728
00:30:43,259 --> 00:30:45,387
Because if you wait too long,
it changes too much,

729
00:30:45,387 --> 00:30:46,805
and it's jarring.

730
00:30:46,805 --> 00:30:48,932
It's like seeing a nephew
you only see, like,

731
00:30:48,932 --> 00:30:50,767
once a year at Christmas.
You're like,

732
00:30:50,767 --> 00:30:52,602
"you've grown so much.
Oh, my God!

733
00:30:52,602 --> 00:30:56,773
-"Now you have a mustache?
What? Oh, what's happening?
- (laughter)

734
00:30:56,773 --> 00:30:58,483
Time flies."

735
00:30:58,483 --> 00:31:00,819
Yeah, I saw my vagina
just a few weeks ago.

736
00:31:00,819 --> 00:31:03,405
I was on the road.
I was in Milwaukee.

737
00:31:03,405 --> 00:31:07,158
I decided to take a bath
in this DoubleTree tub.

738
00:31:07,158 --> 00:31:09,869
I had no bubbles,
which bubbles, y--

739
00:31:09,869 --> 00:31:11,329
If you take a bath, bubbles--

740
00:31:11,329 --> 00:31:14,207
that's why old women
use bubbles in bathtubs.

741
00:31:14,207 --> 00:31:16,084
- (laughter)
- It hides the truth.

742
00:31:16,084 --> 00:31:18,670
It's just, you don't wanna
see that shit.

743
00:31:18,670 --> 00:31:19,963
But I had no bubbles.

744
00:31:19,963 --> 00:31:22,007
It's just this stark
DoubleTree bathroom,

745
00:31:22,007 --> 00:31:23,299
autopsy lighting.

746
00:31:23,299 --> 00:31:25,343
I'm in a tub that someone's
definitely shit in

747
00:31:25,343 --> 00:31:26,553
in the past two weeks.

748
00:31:26,553 --> 00:31:27,846
(laughter)

749
00:31:27,846 --> 00:31:30,515
I think that's the DoubleTree
promise, you know?

750
00:31:31,182 --> 00:31:33,226
You get two warm cookies
upon check-in,

751
00:31:33,226 --> 00:31:36,855
and someone's definitely shit in
your tub in the past two weeks.

752
00:31:36,855 --> 00:31:39,065
We guarantee it.

753
00:31:39,065 --> 00:31:41,276
But I'm in this tub,
and I turn off the water,

754
00:31:41,276 --> 00:31:43,862
and then the water just gets
a little too still,

755
00:31:43,862 --> 00:31:45,905
and I just caught its eye.
I'm like...

756
00:31:45,905 --> 00:31:47,699
- (laughter)
- I just, "Oh, my God."

757
00:31:47,699 --> 00:31:51,244
And then, I'm face-to-face
with it, and I'm looking at it,

758
00:31:51,244 --> 00:31:53,038
and that face

759
00:31:53,038 --> 00:31:56,666
is Mitch McConnell's.
I mean, it is a dead ringer.

760
00:31:56,666 --> 00:31:58,793
(cheering)

761
00:31:58,793 --> 00:32:00,920
It was befuddled, jowly.

762
00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:04,883
It was like (burbling).

763
00:32:04,883 --> 00:32:06,343
I was like,
"Oh, my God, he's drowning!"

764
00:32:06,343 --> 00:32:09,179
I got him out. I dried him off.
I go, "What is it, boy?"

765
00:32:09,179 --> 00:32:10,388
(burbling)

766
00:32:10,388 --> 00:32:12,182
I was like, "Take that string
out of your mouth."

767
00:32:12,182 --> 00:32:14,434
- So, I pulled it out, and...
- (laughter)

768
00:32:14,434 --> 00:32:16,603
I'm like, "Now,
you're bleeding!" But, no.

769
00:32:17,771 --> 00:32:18,813
It sucks.

770
00:32:19,689 --> 00:32:23,651
It's what it looks like.
It's happening. It's dropping.

771
00:32:23,651 --> 00:32:25,320
My pussy's dropping...

772
00:32:25,820 --> 00:32:27,489
outta high school.
It's, uh,

773
00:32:27,489 --> 00:32:30,408
it's hanging with the wrong
crowd. My ankles. But...

774
00:32:30,408 --> 00:32:33,078
(laughter)

775
00:32:33,787 --> 00:32:35,121
I just miss my old vagina.

776
00:32:35,121 --> 00:32:37,582
I used to have a wet ass pussy.

777
00:32:37,582 --> 00:32:38,750
(cheering)

778
00:32:38,750 --> 00:32:40,669
I did. Now that song, I hear it,

779
00:32:40,669 --> 00:32:44,255
- I get nostalgic.
I get like misty-eyed.
- (laughter)

780
00:32:44,255 --> 00:32:46,007
Tear up. It's like (laughs)--

781
00:32:46,007 --> 00:32:47,842
It's like listening
to Cat Stevens.

782
00:32:47,842 --> 00:32:50,387
(laughter)

783
00:32:50,387 --> 00:32:53,014
"I remember."
Yeah, I don't have a wet ass--

784
00:32:53,014 --> 00:32:56,142
I don't have a WAP anymore.
I have...

785
00:32:56,142 --> 00:32:58,144
I have a dry, irritable crotch.

786
00:32:58,144 --> 00:32:59,896
- I have a...
- (laughter)

787
00:32:59,896 --> 00:33:02,273
I have a dick is what I have.
I have a--

788
00:33:02,273 --> 00:33:04,442
- (cheering)
- I have a dick. Any--

789
00:33:04,442 --> 00:33:06,778
Where are my chicks
with dicks at?

790
00:33:06,778 --> 00:33:09,489
- (laughter)
- 35-plus.

791
00:33:10,532 --> 00:33:11,658
It's just, it's...

792
00:33:12,117 --> 00:33:14,744
I miss my 20s, man.
I was wet all the time.

793
00:33:15,328 --> 00:33:18,081
I just, I didn't know
what I had when I had it.

794
00:33:18,498 --> 00:33:21,418
I was like annoyed by it.
You're wet your whole 20s.

795
00:33:21,418 --> 00:33:23,753
I mean, I worked at SeaWorld,
so that was part of it,

796
00:33:23,753 --> 00:33:26,214
- but God. (giggles)
- (cheering)

797
00:33:26,214 --> 00:33:29,592
- Animal cruelty just
turns me on so much, but.
- (laughter)

798
00:33:30,218 --> 00:33:32,971
No. Your 20s, you're wet all
the time. You're annoyed by it.

799
00:33:32,971 --> 00:33:34,431
You're just constantly
walking around

800
00:33:34,431 --> 00:33:36,433
with a little dollop
of hair gel in your panties.

801
00:33:36,433 --> 00:33:39,561
- So, it's like,
"Ugh, that's gross."
- (laughter)

802
00:33:39,561 --> 00:33:41,938
You forget about it.
You go to the bathroom,

803
00:33:41,938 --> 00:33:44,524
you're just like kinda
having a mundane pee.

804
00:33:44,524 --> 00:33:47,110
Then you go to wipe, and you
forget how slick you are.

805
00:33:47,110 --> 00:33:49,320
You hit a patch,
you hydroplane. You're like,

806
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,615
-"Ah, Jesus Christ! Ow..."
- (laughter)

807
00:33:52,615 --> 00:33:55,285
You hit your hand on
the stall door. You're like,

808
00:33:55,285 --> 00:33:58,413
"Who did this to me?
What the fuck?

809
00:33:59,456 --> 00:34:01,499
"Who do I need to leave
my boyfriend for?

810
00:34:01,499 --> 00:34:05,503
- My Jesus Christ.
Sloppy, sloppy."
- (laughter)

811
00:34:06,755 --> 00:34:10,508
I rarely like get that (blows)
like that gush anymore.

812
00:34:10,508 --> 00:34:13,970
Sometimes, it happens.
I remember whenever it does

813
00:34:13,970 --> 00:34:15,889
because it's just
my last moments

814
00:34:15,889 --> 00:34:17,849
of like (sputtering)
try to make a kid,

815
00:34:17,849 --> 00:34:19,351
fertility.

816
00:34:19,351 --> 00:34:22,062
Feels like God's just doing this
with a ketchup bottle,

817
00:34:22,062 --> 00:34:24,230
- (blowing) like
the last remnants.
- (laughter)

818
00:34:24,230 --> 00:34:25,774
"Come on, we got it."

819
00:34:25,774 --> 00:34:28,276
- (applause)
- (giggles)

820
00:34:29,694 --> 00:34:32,197
But, girls, just enjoy your
fuckability while you have it

821
00:34:32,197 --> 00:34:35,950
because it's gonna go away,
and mine is fading.

822
00:34:35,950 --> 00:34:39,245
I know that. I got into
an Uber the other day,

823
00:34:39,245 --> 00:34:42,248
and I rolled up
with a bunch of suitcases,

824
00:34:42,248 --> 00:34:44,376
and the Uber driver
just popped the trunk

825
00:34:44,376 --> 00:34:47,671
- and sat in the front seat.
- (laughter)

826
00:34:48,630 --> 00:34:51,966
Great. I was like, is this
the first sign of menopause?

827
00:34:51,966 --> 00:34:56,596
What's happening right now?
Why isn't this man helping me?

828
00:34:56,596 --> 00:34:58,223
Because it's great
when you're fuckable.

829
00:34:58,223 --> 00:34:59,474
Men wanna help you
all the time.

830
00:34:59,474 --> 00:35:00,767
They do such nice
things for you.

831
00:35:00,767 --> 00:35:03,228
They get their bags for you.
They open doors for you.

832
00:35:03,228 --> 00:35:05,563
They pay for your college
tuition. Thanks, Dad.

833
00:35:05,563 --> 00:35:09,150
- (laughter)
- I don't wanna question
why he did it. (giggles)

834
00:35:10,485 --> 00:35:11,986
But I'm a rangy broad, man.

835
00:35:11,986 --> 00:35:13,738
Like, I know what it's like
to be fuckable,

836
00:35:13,738 --> 00:35:16,324
and I know what it's like
to not be fuckable.

837
00:35:16,324 --> 00:35:18,660
I do. I straddle both worlds.
I really do.

838
00:35:18,660 --> 00:35:21,538
With enough hair and makeup
and good lighting,

839
00:35:21,538 --> 00:35:24,207
I can resemble Kristen Bell.
I really can.

840
00:35:24,207 --> 00:35:25,959
- (laughter)
- But I swear--
Don't laugh at that.

841
00:35:25,959 --> 00:35:27,419
Jesus Christ.
That wasn't a joke.

842
00:35:27,419 --> 00:35:29,838
- (laughter)
- You were supposed to go,
"Yeah, I see it.

843
00:35:29,838 --> 00:35:31,089
Yeah, she does."

844
00:35:31,089 --> 00:35:32,632
You're supposed to be
dead quiet for that part.

845
00:35:32,632 --> 00:35:36,136
- What the fuck
was that? (giggles)
- (laughter)

846
00:35:36,136 --> 00:35:37,762
No, I can! If I have
enough hair and makeup,

847
00:35:37,762 --> 00:35:39,681
some people have been like,
"You look like Kristen Bell."

848
00:35:39,681 --> 00:35:42,350
And I'm like, "Thank you!"
But I know that every morning,

849
00:35:42,350 --> 00:35:46,229
- my boyfriend wakes up
to Dax Shepard. I mean...
- (laughter)

850
00:35:46,229 --> 00:35:48,314
That's my range.

851
00:35:48,314 --> 00:35:49,983
That's what
I look like without makeup.

852
00:35:49,983 --> 00:35:51,401
Makeup makes you
look like a woman.

853
00:35:51,401 --> 00:35:54,112
Otherwise, you look like a man,
you know?

854
00:35:54,112 --> 00:35:55,572
It's true. I'll prove it.

855
00:35:55,572 --> 00:35:57,365
If I asked you
to draw a smiley face,

856
00:35:57,365 --> 00:35:59,784
and I was like,
"Now, make it a girl."

857
00:35:59,784 --> 00:36:01,119
You wouldn't just, like,

858
00:36:01,119 --> 00:36:02,537
scribble like
a pussy underneath.

859
00:36:02,537 --> 00:36:04,956
- Like, who even knows
how to draw that?
- (laughter)

860
00:36:05,582 --> 00:36:07,625
You wouldn't make it
holding less money.

861
00:36:07,625 --> 00:36:10,879
- (laughter)
- You would just...
draw eyelashes on it.

862
00:36:10,879 --> 00:36:13,006
You'd put makeup on it.

863
00:36:13,006 --> 00:36:15,383
That's what
differentiates us.

864
00:36:15,383 --> 00:36:18,303
So, without makeup,
I look, I look way different.

865
00:36:18,303 --> 00:36:20,305
I never get recognized ever!

866
00:36:20,305 --> 00:36:21,681
You know, because
people see me on TV,

867
00:36:21,681 --> 00:36:23,224
and I don't look the same
without makeup.

868
00:36:23,224 --> 00:36:24,517
The other day,
I was actually recognized

869
00:36:24,517 --> 00:36:26,895
without makeup,
and I got offended.

870
00:36:26,895 --> 00:36:28,730
- (laughter)
- I did!

871
00:36:28,730 --> 00:36:31,441
He asked for my autograph.
I was like, "Fuck you.

872
00:36:31,441 --> 00:36:33,526
You think Nikki Glaser
looks like this?"

873
00:36:33,526 --> 00:36:35,153
- (laughter)
- And he was like,
"Oh, no. Sorry.

874
00:36:35,153 --> 00:36:36,488
I thought you were
Dog the Bounty Hunter."

875
00:36:36,488 --> 00:36:38,073
And I go, "Oh, wait.
Well, come back here, son.

876
00:36:38,073 --> 00:36:40,950
(scratchy)
I'll sign that hub cap for you.
You get on back here."

877
00:36:40,950 --> 00:36:44,913
(normal)
I don't wanna disappoint
a Dog the Bounty Hunter fan.

878
00:36:44,913 --> 00:36:46,539
(laughter)

879
00:36:46,539 --> 00:36:49,376
Yeah, I'm a rangy broad, man.

880
00:36:49,376 --> 00:36:50,794
But I can look pretty hot.

881
00:36:50,794 --> 00:36:53,004
I was accidentally hot
at a Trader Joe's recently.

882
00:36:53,004 --> 00:36:54,089
(laughter)

883
00:36:54,089 --> 00:36:55,382
I didn't mean to be.

884
00:36:55,382 --> 00:36:56,633
I was coming home
from a photo shoot,

885
00:36:56,633 --> 00:36:58,009
and I stopped
at a grocery store,

886
00:36:58,009 --> 00:36:59,678
and I was lookin' good,

887
00:36:59,678 --> 00:37:01,680
and I was gettin' flirted
with by the cashier,

888
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:05,934
and then he cleared my order
and was like, "Get outta here."

889
00:37:05,934 --> 00:37:08,645
I was like, "What?"
He was like,
"It's on the house."

890
00:37:08,645 --> 00:37:09,896
And I was like...

891
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,066
-"Is your dad Joe? Like is...
- (laughter)

892
00:37:13,066 --> 00:37:16,861
- Can you authorize this?"
- (applause)

893
00:37:17,404 --> 00:37:19,239
I was like, "Don't you have
to ring a bell or some shit?

894
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:20,990
- What's going on?"
- (laughter)

895
00:37:20,990 --> 00:37:22,325
He was like,
"Go, get outta here."

896
00:37:22,325 --> 00:37:24,202
I was like, "Thank you!"
He was like, "Stay beautiful."

897
00:37:24,202 --> 00:37:25,829
And I was like, "Alright."

898
00:37:25,829 --> 00:37:29,374
- Was that a threat?
What the fuck was that?
- (laughter)

899
00:37:29,374 --> 00:37:30,917
What happens if I don't?

900
00:37:31,876 --> 00:37:34,170
Because I can't stay beautiful.
I have to go back here.

901
00:37:34,170 --> 00:37:35,672
This is my neighborhood
Trader Joe's!

902
00:37:35,672 --> 00:37:37,716
I had to go back the next day.
I was wearing no makeup.

903
00:37:37,716 --> 00:37:39,843
I was scared to see the guy,
but he was there,

904
00:37:39,843 --> 00:37:42,721
and he had me arrested
for shoplifting the day before.

905
00:37:42,721 --> 00:37:46,891
- (laughter)
- He was like, "I told you
to stay beautiful."

906
00:37:46,891 --> 00:37:50,895
It's like, "Go back to ALDI."
I was (crying) "Okay."

907
00:37:53,398 --> 00:37:56,109
No. It's so funny to get upset
about aging as a woman

908
00:37:56,109 --> 00:38:00,321
because at some point,
you do have to age completely,
you know?

909
00:38:00,321 --> 00:38:02,282
And you wanna age completely.

910
00:38:02,282 --> 00:38:04,826
Someday, I hope to age
to the point of unfuckability.

911
00:38:04,826 --> 00:38:07,162
You know why?
Because I don't want anyone

912
00:38:07,162 --> 00:38:09,039
trying to fuck me when I'm 95.

913
00:38:09,039 --> 00:38:11,082
I don't have the bone density

914
00:38:11,082 --> 00:38:13,501
- or the muscle mass
to fight you off.
- (laughter)

915
00:38:13,501 --> 00:38:17,464
It's a survival tool
that I be revolting to you.

916
00:38:17,464 --> 00:38:19,799
There's not-- there shouldn't be
hot 95-year-olds.

917
00:38:19,799 --> 00:38:22,761
Hot 95 is a radio station,
not a person, okay?

918
00:38:22,761 --> 00:38:26,556
- (laughter)
- So, you should be so gross
at some point.

919
00:38:26,556 --> 00:38:29,559
That means that someday,
I'm gonna be 0% fuckable.

920
00:38:29,559 --> 00:38:32,270
That means I'm a dying battery
of hotness, okay?

921
00:38:32,270 --> 00:38:34,481
And I can plug myself into
little portable chargers

922
00:38:34,481 --> 00:38:37,067
here and there but eventually,
it's gonna go completely,

923
00:38:37,067 --> 00:38:38,943
and what a great day
that will be.

924
00:38:38,943 --> 00:38:40,320
But until then, I'm fighting it.

925
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:42,238
And that's the paradox
of being a woman.

926
00:38:42,238 --> 00:38:44,115
You're trying to stay
beautiful for so long.

927
00:38:44,115 --> 00:38:45,450
You try to stay fuckable,

928
00:38:45,450 --> 00:38:46,910
but at some point
you just have to let go.

929
00:38:46,910 --> 00:38:49,329
And that day is usually the day
that you cut your hair

930
00:38:49,329 --> 00:38:51,498
above your ear lobes.
I think that's the day you go,

931
00:38:51,498 --> 00:38:53,208
-"Bye-bye, fuckability.
- (laughter)

932
00:38:53,208 --> 00:38:56,461
"I don't care anymore if men
wanna stick their dick in me.

933
00:38:56,461 --> 00:38:59,047
It's exhausting, and I'm tired."

934
00:39:00,256 --> 00:39:02,133
I love that day.
Fuck yeah.

935
00:39:02,133 --> 00:39:04,469
I love older women
with funky haircuts.

936
00:39:04,469 --> 00:39:06,471
They commit to getting
attention in other ways.

937
00:39:06,471 --> 00:39:08,807
No one wants to fuck them,
but they get chunky earrings.

938
00:39:08,807 --> 00:39:10,558
They're like,
"This is my personality.

939
00:39:10,558 --> 00:39:11,976
"This one's a bumblebee!

940
00:39:11,976 --> 00:39:13,478
"And this is a watermelon slice,

941
00:39:13,478 --> 00:39:15,939
"and I have fun, crazy glasses!

942
00:39:15,939 --> 00:39:19,192
And here's a big flowery broach
on my saggy tit."

943
00:39:19,192 --> 00:39:20,402
And they're like, "Look here!

944
00:39:20,402 --> 00:39:22,278
"And here! There's life!
Because down there,

945
00:39:22,278 --> 00:39:24,656
"nothing. So up here...

946
00:39:24,656 --> 00:39:27,158
"I'm not fuckable,
but you could pollinate me.

947
00:39:27,158 --> 00:39:30,453
Like let's... let's go."

948
00:39:31,454 --> 00:39:33,248
But I don't think
I'll be able to give in

949
00:39:33,248 --> 00:39:35,166
as soon as most people can.

950
00:39:35,166 --> 00:39:36,501
It's gotta be nice
to just give up,

951
00:39:36,501 --> 00:39:39,963
but I, I work in Hollywood,
so I gotta hold on.

952
00:39:39,963 --> 00:39:43,008
Hollywood's not very kind
to older women.

953
00:39:43,008 --> 00:39:44,676
You know, sex sells.

954
00:39:44,676 --> 00:39:47,804
- If you're saggin',
they're gaggin'.
- (laughter)

955
00:39:47,804 --> 00:39:51,725
That's what my agent texts me
every day, and I go, "I know."

956
00:39:51,725 --> 00:39:54,352
I do everything I can
to stay young-looking.

957
00:39:54,352 --> 00:39:56,646
I really do. I do Botox.
I do filler.

958
00:39:56,646 --> 00:39:58,023
Sometimes, I do too much filler,

959
00:39:58,023 --> 00:39:59,649
and I look like the guy
from the "Saw" movies

960
00:39:59,649 --> 00:40:03,403
- who gives the challenges.
- (laughter)

961
00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:06,239
I do lasers and micro-needling,

962
00:40:06,239 --> 00:40:08,199
and those things are
so harsh on your skin.

963
00:40:08,199 --> 00:40:10,827
I recently got micro-needled,
and I couldn't leave the house

964
00:40:10,827 --> 00:40:12,662
for three days
because if I did,

965
00:40:12,662 --> 00:40:14,581
it looked like I got mouthy
in a car ride with Chris Brown.

966
00:40:14,581 --> 00:40:17,334
- (groaning, laughter)
- It looked like I was trying
to give him directions

967
00:40:17,334 --> 00:40:19,002
where he knew
where he was going.

968
00:40:19,252 --> 00:40:21,504
Are you groaning?
(giggles)

969
00:40:21,504 --> 00:40:22,881
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry

970
00:40:22,881 --> 00:40:25,175
to offend any Chris Brown fans.
I mean...

971
00:40:25,175 --> 00:40:27,260
(laughter)

972
00:40:27,260 --> 00:40:30,388
I mean, I look like Chris Brown

973
00:40:30,388 --> 00:40:32,223
loves me very, very much

974
00:40:32,223 --> 00:40:35,185
and just wants
what's best for me.

975
00:40:35,185 --> 00:40:36,978
(scattered applause)

976
00:40:36,978 --> 00:40:40,982
But yeah, I gotta, I gotta
stay hot in Hollywood.

977
00:40:41,232 --> 00:40:43,943
If you're not textbook hot,
you gotta work so hard.

978
00:40:43,943 --> 00:40:47,322
You gotta be like the most
talented ever, you know?

979
00:40:47,322 --> 00:40:49,366
Remember Susan Boyle?
Remember?

980
00:40:49,366 --> 00:40:51,910
Remember that video?
You should watch it again.

981
00:40:51,910 --> 00:40:53,536
It didn't age well,
much like her.

982
00:40:53,536 --> 00:40:56,498
It didn't, it didn't--
doesn't hold up.

983
00:40:56,498 --> 00:40:59,417
This woman walks out on stage,
if you don't remember,

984
00:40:59,417 --> 00:41:01,586
and she has the audacity

985
00:41:01,586 --> 00:41:03,838
to go on a talent competition

986
00:41:03,838 --> 00:41:06,299
- at the age of 47.
- (laughter)

987
00:41:06,299 --> 00:41:08,385
She's just an old woman
on a talent show,

988
00:41:08,385 --> 00:41:10,804
and the audience
can't fucking handle it.

989
00:41:10,804 --> 00:41:12,806
They're freaking out,
just like, "What is this?"

990
00:41:12,806 --> 00:41:15,100
They're jeering, they're booing,
they're hissing.

991
00:41:15,100 --> 00:41:17,977
They're puking
in the aisles, like (gagging).

992
00:41:17,977 --> 00:41:19,354
(laughter)

993
00:41:19,354 --> 00:41:21,481
They're like,
"Go back to your shoe!"

994
00:41:21,481 --> 00:41:24,609
- (laughter)
- They're just horrified by her.

995
00:41:24,609 --> 00:41:26,444
Like, "What is her talent?
Feeding pigeons?

996
00:41:26,444 --> 00:41:30,573
It's disgusting.
She can't even talk."

997
00:41:30,573 --> 00:41:33,243
They're so mad. And then,
she finally gets to sing, right?

998
00:41:33,243 --> 00:41:36,830
Simon Cowell just crosses
his arms over his fucking tits,

999
00:41:36,830 --> 00:41:40,250
- and he's just like,
"Alright, what do you got?"
- (laughter)

1000
00:41:40,250 --> 00:41:41,668
And she of course sings,
and it's like...

1001
00:41:41,668 --> 00:41:44,421
♪ I dreamed a dream
of time gone by ♪

1002
00:41:44,421 --> 00:41:46,840
- And it's like...
- (cheering)

1003
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:49,342
"Oh, my God.

1004
00:41:49,342 --> 00:41:52,971
-"She should live. Like, we...
- (laughter)

1005
00:41:52,971 --> 00:41:54,848
"should keep her.
Let's not stone her to death.

1006
00:41:54,848 --> 00:41:57,767
"That was gonna be fun,
doing a public stoning.

1007
00:41:58,601 --> 00:42:00,562
"But she has value now.
Before, she didn't.

1008
00:42:00,562 --> 00:42:02,981
"But maybe I can tolerate
her disgusting head

1009
00:42:02,981 --> 00:42:06,401
- now that her voice
sounds so good."
- (laughter)

1010
00:42:06,401 --> 00:42:08,069
What the fuck, you know?

1011
00:42:08,069 --> 00:42:12,282
But it's, it's hard to
not be conventionally hot.

1012
00:42:12,282 --> 00:42:13,616
It just is.
It's a harder life,

1013
00:42:13,616 --> 00:42:15,577
and that's why it makes sense
to try to stay hot.

1014
00:42:15,577 --> 00:42:17,620
It's not a vapid pursuit.

1015
00:42:17,620 --> 00:42:18,913
You know, if you're not
conventionally hot,

1016
00:42:18,913 --> 00:42:20,331
you gotta work harder.
I mean, look,

1017
00:42:20,331 --> 00:42:23,626
- look at short men,
if you can find 'em.
- (laughter)

1018
00:42:23,626 --> 00:42:26,338
The closest one may be
in front of you.

1019
00:42:26,963 --> 00:42:29,215
I have a short boyfriend,
so I know, you know?

1020
00:42:29,215 --> 00:42:32,093
I had to go short
because I wanted a hot guy.

1021
00:42:32,093 --> 00:42:33,511
I wanted a good face.

1022
00:42:33,511 --> 00:42:36,181
So if you want a good face,
you gotta go, you gotta
take some hits.

1023
00:42:36,181 --> 00:42:38,683
- (laughter)
- That's my, that's my secret.

1024
00:42:38,683 --> 00:42:41,353
If you want a 10 in the face,
you gotta go 5'7" in the height.

1025
00:42:41,353 --> 00:42:43,688
That's just the way it goes.

1026
00:42:43,688 --> 00:42:46,858
I could never get my boyfriend's
face on a taller model.

1027
00:42:46,858 --> 00:42:50,195
There's no way.
But I got him on discount.

1028
00:42:50,195 --> 00:42:53,114
- He's marked down.
You know, he's a defect.
- (laughter)

1029
00:42:53,114 --> 00:42:54,991
We met at TJ Maxx.

1030
00:42:54,991 --> 00:42:56,659
(applause)

1031
00:42:56,659 --> 00:42:58,036
He's really good-looking.
Sometimes,

1032
00:42:58,036 --> 00:42:59,662
I post a picture of us,
and girls are like,

1033
00:42:59,662 --> 00:43:02,374
"Good job, girl. How'd you
get that?" I'm like,

1034
00:43:02,374 --> 00:43:04,709
"If you zoomed out, you'd see
he's sitting on my lap."

1035
00:43:04,709 --> 00:43:06,878
So, this is a tiny man.

1036
00:43:06,878 --> 00:43:08,797
(laughter)

1037
00:43:08,797 --> 00:43:11,466
I had to go digging in
the bargain bin for this one,

1038
00:43:11,466 --> 00:43:13,343
went deep.

1039
00:43:13,343 --> 00:43:15,887
But I love short guys. I like
to stand up for you because--

1040
00:43:15,887 --> 00:43:18,515
I mean, I sit down for you
when I'm talking in conversation

1041
00:43:18,515 --> 00:43:20,392
to make you more comfortable,

1042
00:43:20,392 --> 00:43:22,060
but I stand up
for you figuratively

1043
00:43:22,060 --> 00:43:26,064
because I don't, um,
I like how people
are mean to you.

1044
00:43:26,064 --> 00:43:28,858
And you're usually cooler
than tall guys

1045
00:43:28,858 --> 00:43:31,361
because you have to be
because no one respects you.

1046
00:43:31,361 --> 00:43:33,571
- You know, like-- (laughs)
- (laughter)

1047
00:43:33,571 --> 00:43:35,865
I'm sorry. You know this!

1048
00:43:35,865 --> 00:43:37,992
My boyfriend,
he's told me about it.

1049
00:43:37,992 --> 00:43:41,538
When he grew up...
When he reached adulthood,

1050
00:43:41,538 --> 00:43:44,416
(laughter)

1051
00:43:44,416 --> 00:43:45,750
(giggles) He--

1052
00:43:45,750 --> 00:43:47,544
He looked around,
and he was like,

1053
00:43:47,544 --> 00:43:49,462
"Oh, fuck.
No one here respects me.

1054
00:43:49,462 --> 00:43:51,423
"I gotta learn a magic trick
or something

1055
00:43:51,423 --> 00:43:52,799
to get people to like me."

1056
00:43:52,799 --> 00:43:54,509
So, he adapted.
He's funny.

1057
00:43:54,509 --> 00:43:56,678
He's cool.
And short men love magic.

1058
00:43:56,678 --> 00:43:58,054
- I think--
- (laughter)

1059
00:43:58,054 --> 00:44:00,724
They like it because it's showy,
and people go, "Oh!"

1060
00:44:00,724 --> 00:44:02,809
They get attention. It's
another way to get attention.

1061
00:44:02,809 --> 00:44:06,438
And I also think that they see
a man saw a woman in half,

1062
00:44:06,438 --> 00:44:08,732
and they're like, "Oh, that's
how I'll be taller than a woman.

1063
00:44:08,732 --> 00:44:11,401
- Okay, that's what I aspire to."
- (laughter)

1064
00:44:12,027 --> 00:44:15,530
He's great though. We've been
together 10 years off and on.

1065
00:44:15,530 --> 00:44:17,824
And, yeah, but we're
actually getting to the point
where we're like,

1066
00:44:17,824 --> 00:44:19,200
"We're gonna take it
to the next level

1067
00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:21,286
and break up forever
because I think it's time."

1068
00:44:21,286 --> 00:44:24,622
- (laughter)
- No. He's...

1069
00:44:24,622 --> 00:44:26,875
He's, uh... he's, he's--

1070
00:44:26,875 --> 00:44:28,960
I know from breaking up
with him a lot,

1071
00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:31,379
and we date other people
and come back together,

1072
00:44:31,379 --> 00:44:32,756
I look at him and I go,

1073
00:44:32,756 --> 00:44:35,050
"He's the best I can do."

1074
00:44:35,050 --> 00:44:38,386
- You know,
like I just know that.
- (laughter)

1075
00:44:38,386 --> 00:44:39,804
I'm gonna settle someday.

1076
00:44:39,804 --> 00:44:42,307
- I mean settle down.
Did I say settle?
- (laughter)

1077
00:44:42,307 --> 00:44:44,768
It is settling, isn't it?
When you get married,

1078
00:44:44,768 --> 00:44:47,145
you just go,
"Yeah, this is good enough."
Like..,

1079
00:44:47,145 --> 00:44:48,813
We all like to
convince ourselves,

1080
00:44:48,813 --> 00:44:51,524
"No, this is my soulmate!"
(giggles)

1081
00:44:51,524 --> 00:44:53,568
- No, it's not.
- (laughter)

1082
00:44:53,568 --> 00:44:55,445
It's not your soulmate, sorry.

1083
00:44:55,445 --> 00:44:58,323
That's just a guy that was on
Bumble at the same time as you

1084
00:44:58,323 --> 00:45:01,993
that reminded you of your dad
in the perfect little way.

1085
00:45:02,786 --> 00:45:05,497
Everyone likes to go,
"He's my soulmate."

1086
00:45:05,497 --> 00:45:06,831
You're not that lucky!

1087
00:45:07,374 --> 00:45:09,668
Out of eight billion people
on the planet,
he's not your soulmate.

1088
00:45:09,668 --> 00:45:11,795
Your soulmate, statistically,
is in China.

1089
00:45:11,795 --> 00:45:15,965
- (laughter)
- That's where your soulmate is,
and that's where they'll die.

1090
00:45:15,965 --> 00:45:19,427
The closest you'll get is maybe
your soulmate touched your phone

1091
00:45:19,427 --> 00:45:21,137
on an assembly line,

1092
00:45:21,137 --> 00:45:24,683
but that's the closest where
your stars will ever cross.

1093
00:45:24,683 --> 00:45:27,268
Maybe he stitched
your mom's blouse

1094
00:45:27,268 --> 00:45:29,270
- when he was in third grade.
- (laughter)

1095
00:45:30,897 --> 00:45:32,774
Do they call it grades
if they don't go to school?

1096
00:45:32,774 --> 00:45:35,026
- I don't know. But...
- (groaning)

1097
00:45:35,026 --> 00:45:37,862
Child labor is-- (laughs)
Sorry, it's not funny.

1098
00:45:37,862 --> 00:45:39,781
I mean, you guys laughed,
so I guess it is,

1099
00:45:39,781 --> 00:45:42,409
but I thought
it wasn't until now.

1100
00:45:42,409 --> 00:45:46,454
No, it's awful. It's, um...
What are you gonna do though?

1101
00:45:46,454 --> 00:45:49,332
Like, it's--
Not buy an $8 dress?

1102
00:45:49,332 --> 00:45:53,503
- (laughter)
- Like I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.

1103
00:45:53,503 --> 00:45:55,046
I love fast fashion.
I can't stop.

1104
00:45:55,046 --> 00:45:58,550
I like the sizing. I just bought
a dress from Fashion Nova,

1105
00:45:58,550 --> 00:45:59,843
which I shouldn't do it,

1106
00:45:59,843 --> 00:46:01,886
but, man.
I'm usually a size six dress,

1107
00:46:01,886 --> 00:46:04,514
but I check the tag, and now
I'm a "help me" in Korean,

1108
00:46:04,514 --> 00:46:08,476
- and I think
that's like really tiny.
- (laughter)

1109
00:46:08,476 --> 00:46:10,937
It makes me feel little, so...

1110
00:46:12,564 --> 00:46:15,150
I don't know about marriage
though. I don't think...

1111
00:46:15,150 --> 00:46:17,318
I don't know
if monogamy is for me.

1112
00:46:17,318 --> 00:46:20,196
- (cheering, applause)
- I question it. I do.

1113
00:46:20,196 --> 00:46:22,615
And the only reason I think
that is I look at the porn

1114
00:46:22,615 --> 00:46:26,119
that I watch, and I'm like,
"This is not a marriage.
You know?

1115
00:46:26,119 --> 00:46:27,787
(laughter)

1116
00:46:27,787 --> 00:46:31,750
My dad's not gonna
pay for this." Right?

1117
00:46:31,750 --> 00:46:35,462
I'm not watching marital sex
when I jerk off.

1118
00:46:36,254 --> 00:46:39,632
I'm not cumming to a committed
couple having lazy side sex

1119
00:46:39,632 --> 00:46:41,176
because they ate
too much cheese.

1120
00:46:41,176 --> 00:46:43,303
- This isn't what gets me off.
- (laughter)

1121
00:46:43,303 --> 00:46:46,014
- It isn't!
- (applause)

1122
00:46:48,099 --> 00:46:49,267
I...

1123
00:46:49,267 --> 00:46:52,687
I like gangbangs,
if I'm being honest.

1124
00:46:52,687 --> 00:46:55,106
I like gangbangs.

1125
00:46:55,106 --> 00:46:58,234
- (cheering)
- I watch them. They're amazing.

1126
00:46:58,234 --> 00:47:00,779
They're rough though.
Boy, are they rough.

1127
00:47:01,488 --> 00:47:04,407
The ones I watch, some of them,
I go, "Jesus Christ."

1128
00:47:04,407 --> 00:47:07,577
I know it's bad
because they have nine views.

1129
00:47:07,577 --> 00:47:09,537
I'm like, "Oh boy,
this isn't good."

1130
00:47:09,537 --> 00:47:12,749
(laughter)

1131
00:47:12,749 --> 00:47:15,210
Every video I watch has
a bucket in the corner

1132
00:47:15,210 --> 00:47:17,003
that has no less
than three uses.

1133
00:47:17,003 --> 00:47:20,924
None of them good.
I mean, this is depraved stuff.

1134
00:47:21,716 --> 00:47:23,968
I feel bad.
I feel bad after I watch it!

1135
00:47:23,968 --> 00:47:26,179
My soul is like, "Ugh,"
you know?

1136
00:47:26,179 --> 00:47:28,390
But my soul and my clit
are not on the same page,

1137
00:47:28,390 --> 00:47:30,892
so those two need to get
a coffee or something.

1138
00:47:30,892 --> 00:47:32,435
Have a little chat.

1139
00:47:32,811 --> 00:47:34,729
(sighs) My boyfriend
does know about

1140
00:47:34,729 --> 00:47:36,940
my gangbang
proclivity because...

1141
00:47:36,940 --> 00:47:40,151
he's here tonight,
so he just found out.

1142
00:47:40,151 --> 00:47:42,696
- (cheering)
- Surprise!

1143
00:47:42,696 --> 00:47:45,365
It's just a joke! (fake laugh)

1144
00:47:45,365 --> 00:47:47,659
(laughter)

1145
00:47:47,659 --> 00:47:50,620
It's not a joke. I want it.

1146
00:47:50,620 --> 00:47:52,622
It's hard to tell your boyfriend
that you want a gangbang.

1147
00:47:52,622 --> 00:47:55,959
It's like, what do you do?
I gave him hints, little nudges.

1148
00:47:55,959 --> 00:47:57,627
I sent him an email
with a link that said,

1149
00:47:57,627 --> 00:48:00,588
-"DO THIS," in all caps.
I mean, just...
- (laughter)

1150
00:48:01,589 --> 00:48:03,174
You know. (giggles)

1151
00:48:03,174 --> 00:48:05,093
He goes, "Do this?"
And I go, "Yeah, do this."

1152
00:48:05,093 --> 00:48:07,303
He's like, "What does that
even mean? What do you mean?"

1153
00:48:07,303 --> 00:48:10,306
And I go, "I don't know.
Didn't you just join
a pickleball league?

1154
00:48:10,306 --> 00:48:13,351
"Like make some friends!
See who can keep a secret.

1155
00:48:14,853 --> 00:48:17,439
"You're gonna have to venture
out of the pickleball court

1156
00:48:17,439 --> 00:48:19,315
"to find the Black guys
we need for this gangbang

1157
00:48:19,315 --> 00:48:22,402
"because I will be
honest with you,

1158
00:48:22,402 --> 00:48:26,114
affirmative action
is very important to me."

1159
00:48:26,114 --> 00:48:28,742
They're firm
I want some action. But...

1160
00:48:28,742 --> 00:48:32,245
- (laughter)
- My boyfriend knows all of this,
and he wasn't threatened.

1161
00:48:32,245 --> 00:48:34,164
It was actually not surprising

1162
00:48:34,164 --> 00:48:35,874
because he doesn't get
threatened by this stuff.

1163
00:48:35,874 --> 00:48:37,792
Not like my friend's
boyfriends and husbands.

1164
00:48:37,792 --> 00:48:41,629
My one friend, she had to hide
her vibrator from her husband

1165
00:48:41,629 --> 00:48:45,717
- because he kept using it,
and I think that's so sad.
- (laughter)

1166
00:48:45,717 --> 00:48:48,136
Get your own, but...

1167
00:48:48,136 --> 00:48:51,056
No, she had to hide it because
he was insecure about it,

1168
00:48:51,056 --> 00:48:54,225
which I get. I get being jealous
and insecure of something

1169
00:48:54,225 --> 00:48:58,188
that's so much better than you.
Like I get that. It is!

1170
00:48:58,188 --> 00:49:00,398
It is. It vibrates! Right?

1171
00:49:00,398 --> 00:49:02,901
But don't worry.
We don't compare you to it.

1172
00:49:02,901 --> 00:49:04,569
It's better than you, but--

1173
00:49:04,569 --> 00:49:06,488
I've never looked at my
boyfriend's dick and been like,

1174
00:49:06,488 --> 00:49:08,656
"But it's not green.
Like, I hate this.

1175
00:49:08,656 --> 00:49:10,950
- (laughter)
-"I'm going.

1176
00:49:10,950 --> 00:49:13,078
"Doesn't vibrate
at 90 pulses a second.

1177
00:49:13,078 --> 00:49:15,872
-"I hate it!
- (laughter)

1178
00:49:15,872 --> 00:49:18,917
Where's the charging cable
I'm gonna lose?"

1179
00:49:18,917 --> 00:49:20,877
Like, it's different.
It's a dick.

1180
00:49:20,877 --> 00:49:23,546
Do you compare us to your hand?

1181
00:49:24,005 --> 00:49:26,341
- No. I-I hope not.
- (laughter)

1182
00:49:26,341 --> 00:49:30,011
I don't have that kind
of grip down there.

1183
00:49:30,011 --> 00:49:31,805
My pussy can't open
a jar of pickles.

1184
00:49:31,805 --> 00:49:33,765
I don't have
those kind of Kegels

1185
00:49:33,765 --> 00:49:35,934
to get in some Claussen's.

1186
00:49:35,934 --> 00:49:37,352
(laughter)

1187
00:49:37,352 --> 00:49:39,270
I hope you're never fucking us,
just like,

1188
00:49:39,270 --> 00:49:42,357
"Oh, there's no calluses.
This sucks.

1189
00:49:42,357 --> 00:49:43,400
(laughter)

1190
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:46,194
I miss my class ring."
Like, what?

1191
00:49:49,489 --> 00:49:51,366
It's different!

1192
00:49:52,867 --> 00:49:55,120
My boyfriend,
he snapped into action

1193
00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:56,996
when he found out about
the gangbang thing, man.

1194
00:49:56,996 --> 00:49:58,748
We were fooling around one time,
he blindfolded me,

1195
00:49:58,748 --> 00:50:02,002
and he's like, "I've invited
some guys over to gangbang you.

1196
00:50:02,002 --> 00:50:03,586
"They're waiting in the hallway.
They're lined up.

1197
00:50:03,586 --> 00:50:06,172
They're gonna come in
one by one and fuck you."

1198
00:50:06,172 --> 00:50:08,800
I was like, "That's a train.
Okay, like that's different."

1199
00:50:08,800 --> 00:50:11,011
(laughter)

1200
00:50:11,011 --> 00:50:13,888
A train is one by one.
It's cute. It's adorable.

1201
00:50:13,888 --> 00:50:16,599
It's great. A train is folksy.

1202
00:50:16,599 --> 00:50:18,601
- You know?
- (laughter)

1203
00:50:18,601 --> 00:50:21,479
It's not nothin',
but, you know, it's quaint.

1204
00:50:21,479 --> 00:50:24,482
A gangbang is
an Amtrak derailment.

1205
00:50:24,482 --> 00:50:28,445
- (laughter)
- I mean, a gangbang is
FEMA gets called in.

1206
00:50:29,612 --> 00:50:32,449
A gangbang will ruin
a town forever, you know?

1207
00:50:33,033 --> 00:50:34,909
But I was like, "We can do
a train. All aboard.

1208
00:50:34,909 --> 00:50:37,370
- Let's go. Choo-choo."
- (laughter)

1209
00:50:37,370 --> 00:50:39,622
No, I was--
At first, I was horrified.

1210
00:50:39,622 --> 00:50:42,625
I go, "What? You did what!?
There's-- Who's here?"

1211
00:50:42,625 --> 00:50:45,462
'Cause it was at my apartment,
and the parking situation there

1212
00:50:45,462 --> 00:50:48,423
- is a nightmare.
I have to give them passes.
- (laughter)

1213
00:50:48,423 --> 00:50:49,883
I have to bring them up.
I was like,

1214
00:50:49,883 --> 00:50:51,259
"The door guy's gonna be
so mad at me."

1215
00:50:51,259 --> 00:50:52,427
He was like,
"The door guy's here."

1216
00:50:52,427 --> 00:50:55,513
- I was like, "Okay, well...
- (laughter)

1217
00:50:57,599 --> 00:50:59,184
"That's one Black guy down.
Alright,

1218
00:50:59,184 --> 00:51:02,228
- so someone
was taking notes."
- (laughter)

1219
00:51:03,521 --> 00:51:06,775
No, he goes, "It's make-believe.
Don't-- Just calm down."

1220
00:51:06,775 --> 00:51:09,694
I go, "Okay, now I can do this.
It's just a role-play thing,

1221
00:51:09,694 --> 00:51:11,196
but what's gonna happen here?"

1222
00:51:11,196 --> 00:51:13,281
So then, he proceeds
to bring in each guy.

1223
00:51:13,281 --> 00:51:15,075
He announces them,
and then the guy comes in,

1224
00:51:15,075 --> 00:51:17,369
and then he does a voice
for each guy.

1225
00:51:17,369 --> 00:51:19,371
(laughter)

1226
00:51:19,371 --> 00:51:20,663
So smart, right?

1227
00:51:20,663 --> 00:51:22,415
I'm blindfolded,
so they all sound different.

1228
00:51:22,415 --> 00:51:24,834
He's kinda good at voices.
He really is.

1229
00:51:24,834 --> 00:51:26,086
It like kinda took me out of it.

1230
00:51:26,086 --> 00:51:28,004
I mean, his Cosby was
a little disconcerting,

1231
00:51:28,004 --> 00:51:31,216
- but that one, I just...
- (laughter)

1232
00:51:33,218 --> 00:51:34,886
I always fall asleep during it.

1233
00:51:34,886 --> 00:51:36,304
- I mean, he gets...
- (laughter)

1234
00:51:36,304 --> 00:51:38,181
He gets method about it.

1235
00:51:38,723 --> 00:51:41,142
I wake up, and there's
pudding on my face.

1236
00:51:41,142 --> 00:51:43,228
- I'm like, "Oh, God.
- (laughter)

1237
00:51:43,228 --> 00:51:45,855
Classic Cos." (laughs)

1238
00:51:48,274 --> 00:51:50,860
No, it's so brilliant.
A different voice for each guy.

1239
00:51:50,860 --> 00:51:52,237
A different toy
for each guy, too,

1240
00:51:52,237 --> 00:51:54,280
so it really feels like
someone different.

1241
00:51:54,280 --> 00:51:56,658
At first, he was using
his own dick for each guy,

1242
00:51:56,658 --> 00:51:58,660
and I was like,
that worked when I was, like,

1243
00:51:58,660 --> 00:52:01,079
you know, imagining
his brothers, but like--
(laughs)

1244
00:52:01,079 --> 00:52:03,081
(laughter)

1245
00:52:03,081 --> 00:52:05,792
When he was playing
his brothers, it was fine,

1246
00:52:05,792 --> 00:52:10,046
but after a while, I was like,
every guy has your dick? Like...

1247
00:52:10,046 --> 00:52:12,007
I don't see color,
but I can feel it.

1248
00:52:12,007 --> 00:52:14,009
So, I'm just saying if...

1249
00:52:14,009 --> 00:52:17,554
(laughter, applause)

1250
00:52:17,554 --> 00:52:19,848
(giggles)

1251
00:52:19,848 --> 00:52:21,850
He added a really fun element
to it though because he goes,

1252
00:52:21,850 --> 00:52:23,643
"Okay, they're gonna come in
one by one to fuck you,

1253
00:52:23,643 --> 00:52:25,478
but you can't fuck them."
And I'm like, what?

1254
00:52:25,478 --> 00:52:27,063
He's like, "They're all
gonna try, but you can't."

1255
00:52:27,063 --> 00:52:29,441
I'm like, what is this? He goes,
"You need to be a good girl."

1256
00:52:29,441 --> 00:52:31,693
- And I'm like,
"Okay. Well, I can't...
- (laughter)

1257
00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:34,237
"I'm already finished
if you just wanna call it

1258
00:52:34,237 --> 00:52:36,614
"on this whole thing
because that was enough for me.

1259
00:52:36,614 --> 00:52:39,284
I will be a good girl.
Okay, I won't fuck them."

1260
00:52:39,284 --> 00:52:40,452
So then, they each come in,

1261
00:52:40,452 --> 00:52:41,786
and, of course,
they try to fuck me.

1262
00:52:41,786 --> 00:52:43,496
And they're like, "Come on,
I'm gonna fuck you."

1263
00:52:43,496 --> 00:52:45,290
And I go, "I can't.
I told my boyfriend I wouldn't.

1264
00:52:45,290 --> 00:52:47,083
He's nice enough to even
let me do this. I can't."

1265
00:52:47,083 --> 00:52:48,626
And they're like,
"No, I'm gonna fuck you."

1266
00:52:48,626 --> 00:52:50,879
And I go, "No... 'kay."

1267
00:52:50,879 --> 00:52:52,839
And then
I cheat on my boyfriend

1268
00:52:52,839 --> 00:52:55,467
with my boyfriend!
It's amazing!

1269
00:52:55,467 --> 00:52:58,136
And then that guy leaves, and
then my boyfriend comes back in,

1270
00:52:58,136 --> 00:52:59,804
and he's like, "You didn't fuck
that guy, did you?"

1271
00:52:59,804 --> 00:53:02,140
And I'm like, "I would never
betray you in that way.

1272
00:53:02,140 --> 00:53:05,977
- (laughter)
- Like, I love you so much.
I would never do that."

1273
00:53:05,977 --> 00:53:08,313
So, I am lying to my boyfriend

1274
00:53:08,313 --> 00:53:09,939
about cheating on my boyfriend
with my boyfriend.

1275
00:53:09,939 --> 00:53:11,775
Like I'm lying, I'm cheating,
I'm doing all the things

1276
00:53:11,775 --> 00:53:14,652
I've ever wanted to do
in a monogamous relationship.

1277
00:53:14,652 --> 00:53:16,654
I'm planning his murder
with one of these guys.

1278
00:53:16,654 --> 00:53:19,699
- I'm like, "I think I could
get married if I--
- (laughter)

1279
00:53:20,575 --> 00:53:23,328
if he could keep this up.
This is amazing."

1280
00:53:23,328 --> 00:53:25,246
But I got a little too greedy,
I wanna say.

1281
00:53:25,246 --> 00:53:27,165
Like I was excited
about this whole thing,

1282
00:53:27,165 --> 00:53:29,250
and we were watching
TV one night,

1283
00:53:29,250 --> 00:53:32,337
and I got a crush
on one of the guys on the show,

1284
00:53:32,337 --> 00:53:34,214
some Italian guy.

1285
00:53:34,214 --> 00:53:35,799
And my boyfriend's
sitting next to me.

1286
00:53:35,799 --> 00:53:37,717
He's like eating Thai food
in his pajamas.

1287
00:53:37,717 --> 00:53:39,511
He was not in the mood
for me to be like,

1288
00:53:39,511 --> 00:53:42,347
"Hey, maybe you
should invite Mario

1289
00:53:42,347 --> 00:53:45,183
- to one of our GB seshes."
- (laughter)

1290
00:53:45,183 --> 00:53:47,185
And he was like,
"Are we still casting?

1291
00:53:47,185 --> 00:53:49,562
- I didn't know."
- (laughter)

1292
00:53:49,562 --> 00:53:52,649
I, uh, I forgot about it
for a while after that.

1293
00:53:52,649 --> 00:53:55,276
But then, he remembered.
It was so awesome.

1294
00:53:55,276 --> 00:53:57,779
We were doing the thing,
and then at the very end,

1295
00:53:57,779 --> 00:54:00,865
it was the last guy,
and he goes, "And finally...

1296
00:54:00,865 --> 00:54:03,243
- Mario."
- (cheering)

1297
00:54:03,243 --> 00:54:04,828
He sounded like
he was introducing

1298
00:54:04,828 --> 00:54:06,079
the musical guest on "SNL."

1299
00:54:06,079 --> 00:54:08,498
He was like,
"And finally... Mario."

1300
00:54:08,498 --> 00:54:09,874
I was like, "Thank you, babe!"

1301
00:54:09,874 --> 00:54:11,543
It was one of those moments
where I was like,

1302
00:54:11,543 --> 00:54:13,420
"He remembered!
Like, he went to Jared!"

1303
00:54:13,420 --> 00:54:16,047
- Like it was like
my version of that.
- (laughter)

1304
00:54:16,047 --> 00:54:19,843
"He went to Jared and Mario
and Keith and Larry." You know.

1305
00:54:20,927 --> 00:54:23,346
I was so excited.
He goes, "Here comes Mario."

1306
00:54:23,346 --> 00:54:25,598
I was like, "Thank you!"
He was like, "You're welcome."

1307
00:54:25,598 --> 00:54:27,058
And then Mario comes in,
he's like,

1308
00:54:27,058 --> 00:54:28,393
(Super Mario voice)
"It's-a me, Mario!"

1309
00:54:28,393 --> 00:54:31,479
- (normal) And I go,
"No! What? No!
- (laughter)

1310
00:54:31,479 --> 00:54:34,774
- Not that one!"
- (applause)

1311
00:54:38,570 --> 00:54:40,488
He's like, "That's what you get
for making suggestions."

1312
00:54:40,488 --> 00:54:42,365
I was like,
"No... (crying)

1313
00:54:42,365 --> 00:54:44,993
- (laughter)
- No."

1314
00:54:44,993 --> 00:54:48,246
And Mario laid some pipe.
I gotta say, wasn't that bad.

1315
00:54:48,246 --> 00:54:49,748
(laughter)

1316
00:54:49,748 --> 00:54:51,416
Luigi was there, too.
I could hear him.

1317
00:54:51,416 --> 00:54:53,752
He was in the corner,
jerking off like a cuck.

1318
00:54:53,752 --> 00:54:55,003
(laughter)

1319
00:54:55,003 --> 00:54:57,172
Heard his overalls
clanking around.

1320
00:54:57,172 --> 00:54:59,507
(laughter)

1321
00:54:59,507 --> 00:55:00,800
Because of this fantasy,

1322
00:55:00,800 --> 00:55:02,719
I don't think I'd need
to have a gangbang now.

1323
00:55:02,719 --> 00:55:04,804
Now, I'm like, maybe it's
just enough to watch them.

1324
00:55:04,804 --> 00:55:08,016
And I do love watching them,
and I'll never stop.

1325
00:55:08,016 --> 00:55:10,018
They're so impressive, dude.

1326
00:55:10,018 --> 00:55:13,229
If you don't know, like--
(sighs) Let me just show you.

1327
00:55:13,229 --> 00:55:16,316
- Can I get some volunteers? No.
- (laughter)

1328
00:55:16,316 --> 00:55:19,235
The woman is
usually like on her back,

1329
00:55:19,235 --> 00:55:22,572
like a stranded turtle.
She's just kinda like (groans)
you know.

1330
00:55:22,572 --> 00:55:24,657
And there are two or three

1331
00:55:24,657 --> 00:55:27,535
or four dicks down
there sometimes.

1332
00:55:27,535 --> 00:55:29,162
I don't like three or four.

1333
00:55:29,162 --> 00:55:30,663
I like two, one in each hole.

1334
00:55:30,663 --> 00:55:32,624
That's perfect.
That's all we need.

1335
00:55:32,624 --> 00:55:35,126
I don't like one. I don't like
when a girl's like, "No anal."

1336
00:55:35,126 --> 00:55:36,795
I'm like,
what is this, Kid Bops?

1337
00:55:36,795 --> 00:55:38,380
Like I'm not watching this shit
with my niece.

1338
00:55:38,380 --> 00:55:40,465
- (laughter)
- Fill her up.

1339
00:55:40,465 --> 00:55:42,634
It's so nuts, dude.

1340
00:55:42,634 --> 00:55:44,511
Really, I watch these,
and I just go,

1341
00:55:44,511 --> 00:55:47,389
"Thank you for your service."
I mean, these women,

1342
00:55:47,389 --> 00:55:49,307
they work their asses off.
I mean, some of them,

1343
00:55:49,307 --> 00:55:51,393
their assholes
literally fall off.

1344
00:55:51,393 --> 00:55:53,728
- (laughter)
- It is so impressive.

1345
00:55:53,728 --> 00:55:55,563
And that's why I think
I really like them though.

1346
00:55:55,563 --> 00:55:58,149
It's just because these women
are so impressive. They're--

1347
00:55:58,817 --> 00:56:01,653
They're almost relatable
in what they're doing, you know?

1348
00:56:01,653 --> 00:56:03,363
They're doing
so much all at once,

1349
00:56:03,363 --> 00:56:05,865
it's like a masterclass
in multitasking.

1350
00:56:05,865 --> 00:56:08,660
- (laughter)
- I really relate to them,
you know?

1351
00:56:08,660 --> 00:56:11,996
Because there's this girl,
she's juggling it all.

1352
00:56:11,996 --> 00:56:13,498
She's making it look easy.

1353
00:56:13,498 --> 00:56:15,250
She's like, "I got this,"
you know?

1354
00:56:15,250 --> 00:56:17,836
It's, it's,
it's a lot like life.

1355
00:56:17,836 --> 00:56:20,422
I look at it and I go,
that's my life, kind of.

1356
00:56:20,422 --> 00:56:23,383
Every day,
life is just trying to fuck you

1357
00:56:23,383 --> 00:56:25,301
from so many different angles.

1358
00:56:25,301 --> 00:56:28,054
- (laughter)
- You know what I mean?

1359
00:56:28,054 --> 00:56:30,348
Life is a gangbang, really.

1360
00:56:30,348 --> 00:56:32,350
It's like you gotta
find a career,

1361
00:56:32,350 --> 00:56:33,768
and then you gotta
raise a family,

1362
00:56:33,768 --> 00:56:35,937
and you gotta
practice self-care,

1363
00:56:35,937 --> 00:56:38,690
and you have to realize none of
it's making you happy.

1364
00:56:38,690 --> 00:56:41,735
- (cheering)
- And you all go to therapy!

1365
00:56:41,735 --> 00:56:42,861
That'll help!

1366
00:56:42,861 --> 00:56:45,030
Then you learn
it's your mom's fault.

1367
00:56:45,030 --> 00:56:47,198
- Then you go to more therapy.
- (applause)

1368
00:56:47,198 --> 00:56:49,784
Then you realize
it's your dad's fault!

1369
00:56:49,784 --> 00:56:52,537
And then, you're like,
"Oh, I'll try ayahuasca!"

1370
00:56:52,537 --> 00:56:55,206
And then you puke
your molestations into a bucket!

1371
00:56:55,206 --> 00:56:56,332
(gagging)

1372
00:56:56,833 --> 00:56:59,544
And then, you fucking--
You can just keep smiling.

1373
00:56:59,544 --> 00:57:01,588
You know, change positions.
Okay, good.

1374
00:57:01,588 --> 00:57:04,591
- Everything's fine.
- (laughter)

1375
00:57:04,591 --> 00:57:07,260
You gotta get a skincare routine
and you gotta hydrate!

1376
00:57:07,260 --> 00:57:09,220
You gotta exfoliate!
Gua sha!

1377
00:57:09,220 --> 00:57:10,555
Realize nothing you do

1378
00:57:10,555 --> 00:57:12,640
will ever make you
look like a Korean teen!

1379
00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:15,560
- (laughter)
- Don't forget
to get your REAL ID!

1380
00:57:15,560 --> 00:57:17,520
- (laughter)
- (moaning)

1381
00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:19,022
Oh, God! Oh, God!

1382
00:57:19,022 --> 00:57:21,566
(orgasmic gasping)

1383
00:57:21,566 --> 00:57:23,276
And then, you get bangs!

1384
00:57:23,276 --> 00:57:25,278
Then, you post about
your bangs on Instagram,

1385
00:57:25,278 --> 00:57:28,740
and you only get one fire emoji,
and it's from your hairstylist!

1386
00:57:28,740 --> 00:57:31,910
- Fuck! Now, I have bangs!
- (cheering)

1387
00:57:31,910 --> 00:57:34,996
Only Taylor Swift can
pull off this look! (gagging)

1388
00:57:34,996 --> 00:57:37,332
Then, you realize you don't
have the core strength

1389
00:57:37,332 --> 00:57:38,792
to keep doing this joke!

1390
00:57:38,792 --> 00:57:42,087
- (applause)
- You wonder why the fuck
you wrote this bit!

1391
00:57:42,587 --> 00:57:45,507
Why is this your career
at the age of 39?

1392
00:57:45,507 --> 00:57:47,467
Is this even art anymore?

1393
00:57:47,467 --> 00:57:50,929
- (gagging)
- (laughter)

1394
00:57:50,929 --> 00:57:52,138
(panting)

1395
00:57:52,138 --> 00:57:54,683
It's all so exhausting,
you guys!

1396
00:57:54,683 --> 00:57:57,560
- (cheering)
- There's too many dicks,

1397
00:57:57,560 --> 00:58:00,438
and you can't jerk them all off,
no matter how hard you try.

1398
00:58:00,438 --> 00:58:02,107
(laughter)

1399
00:58:02,107 --> 00:58:04,275
It's relentless,
it's exhausting,

1400
00:58:04,275 --> 00:58:08,113
and there's no safe word,
you know?

1401
00:58:08,113 --> 00:58:09,823
Life is a gangbang,

1402
00:58:09,823 --> 00:58:12,659
and most of the time,
you don't even get to cum.

1403
00:58:12,659 --> 00:58:15,286
- (cheering)
- (panting)

1404
00:58:15,286 --> 00:58:18,498
(applause)

1405
00:58:18,498 --> 00:58:20,959
- But...
- (electronic music playing)

1406
00:58:20,959 --> 00:58:23,044
there is good news.

1407
00:58:23,044 --> 00:58:25,046
'Cause someday,

1408
00:58:25,046 --> 00:58:27,132
- you'll die.
- (laughter)

1409
00:58:27,132 --> 00:58:30,260
(applause, cheering)

1410
00:58:41,396 --> 00:58:43,148
Thank you, Seattle!
Good night!

1411
00:58:43,148 --> 00:58:45,191
<i>♪ Someday, you'll die ♪</i>

1412
00:58:47,777 --> 00:58:51,781
<i>♪ Someday, you'll die... ♪</i>

1413
00:58:52,949 --> 00:58:54,534
<i>♪ Someday, you'll die ♪</i>

1414
00:58:54,534 --> 00:58:56,703
<i>♪ I'm not okay ♪</i>

1415
00:58:56,703 --> 00:58:58,913
<i>♪ I sound insane ♪</i>

1416
00:58:58,913 --> 00:59:03,126
<i>♪ It's not my whole words
in my brain ♪</i>

1417
00:59:03,126 --> 00:59:05,962
<i>♪ I can't complain ♪</i>

1418
00:59:05,962 --> 00:59:07,797
<i>♪ My life is ♪</i>

1419
00:59:07,797 --> 00:59:11,009
<i>♪ Fucking great ♪</i>

1420
00:59:11,009 --> 00:59:12,719
(cheering fades out)

1421
00:59:12,719 --> 00:59:15,055
<i>♪ When life's a mess,
and you're depressed ♪</i>

1422
00:59:15,055 --> 00:59:17,265
<i>♪ Breathe deep
and just be grateful ♪</i>

1423
00:59:17,265 --> 00:59:20,685
<i>♪ There's just one sure thing
in this life ♪</i>

1424
00:59:21,853 --> 00:59:24,814
<i>♪ That someday, you'll die ♪</i>

1425
00:59:26,691 --> 00:59:30,862
<i>♪ Someday, you'll die... ♪</i>

1426
00:59:31,363 --> 00:59:34,157
<i>♪ Someday, you'll die! ♪</i>