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- One or two?
- Let me get three.
4
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Three.
5
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,938
How you feelin’, Tracy?
6
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,399
Who’s Tracy?
7
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:26,712
Y’all do layaway?
8
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What, do I look like a banker to you?
9
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I’m just fucking with you.
10
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What?
11
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Aaah!
12
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Yeah!
13
00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:21,933
Boom!
14
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,395
Wow. That was a lot of love.
15
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Yeah, thank you.
16
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Thank you so much. Thank you.
17
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We can get right to it.
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Everybody in here know I got hit
by that fucking Walmart truck.
19
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Could’ve been worse.
20
00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:44,247
I could’ve got hit by
a Bob’s Discount Furniture truck.
21
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You know they ain’t got no fucking money.
22
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:52,214
Driven by some dude named Rico.
No license, no insurance.
23
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No registration.
24
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,093
INS is on his ass.
25
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:01,348
When I was in that wheelchair,
I still shopped at Walmart.
26
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You still can’t beat their prices.
27
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:11,316
After my settlement,
everything went up a penny.
28
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:27,541
I’m still here. I ain’t down.
But you know I ain’t shit.
29
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,584
You know I ain’t shit.
30
00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:32,379
’Cause you know that expression,
“Only the good die young.”
31
00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:37,384
God seen them angels bringing me through
the pearly gates, he said, “Uh-uh.
32
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Take that motherfucker back down.
33
00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:45,392
He gonna do the whole 89 years,
the shit he did in the third grade.
34
00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:48,478
Put a bag of doo-doo
on the teacher’s desk.
35
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,398
Just because she failed him
in Social Studies.”
36
00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:55,485
When I was in heaven,
I seen some people that I know.
37
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:58,113
I seen Biggie Smalls.
He looked good, lost weight.
38
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,992
Got that diabetes under control, you know?
39
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:05,162
Elvis Presley still look
like a piece of shit.
40
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,248
Can’t leave that fried food alone.
41
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,917
Ol’ Dirty Bastard
got ten new kids already.
42
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,964
Michael Jackson told me
what really happened.
43
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,760
He said, “Tracy,
I died in that fucking Pepsi commercial.”
44
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,476
But the gravy train was so good
they got a look-alike,
45
00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:29,436
and that motherfucker went crazy.
46
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Start dangling babies out of windows.
47
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Namin’ ’em Blankets and Quilts.
48
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:38,296
Then he start telling me something
about Latoya and Bubbles.
49
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,040
I said,
“Michael, I don’t want to hear this.
50
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,699
Startin’ to come from a bad place.”
51
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,535
I seen some people up there I didn’t like.
52
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:48,371
I seen one dude owed me money
when he was alive.
53
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:51,249
I asked God, “How’d he get into heaven?
He owe me money.”
54
00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,960
He said, “Your stupid ass is the one
that lent it to him.
55
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:57,255
Everybody know Luther don’t pay back.
56
00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:58,882
He’s a crackhead. He got a disease.
57
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:02,344
Now take your ass back down to earth
and be smarter with your money.”
58
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:04,805
And I said,
“God works in mysterious ways.”
59
00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:08,350
He had questions for me too.
60
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:11,144
One day he pull out his cell phone
and show me a picture
61
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:13,522
of Kim Kardashian naked on Instagram.
62
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:16,022
He said, “How’d she get
those titties and that ass?
63
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,400
I ain’t give that to her.
64
00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:22,113
And why is she showing it
to the whole world?
65
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,491
She’s a married woman with two kids.
66
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,577
Oh, well. At least she don’t have
Ray J’s dick in her.”
67
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:40,215
When I was in that coma, y’all,
I saw the white light.
68
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,593
I saw the white light. But I didn’t go
to it ’cause I thought it was the police.
69
00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:46,555
I got warrants, man.
70
00:05:46,638 --> 00:05:48,848
You can’t get into heaven with priors.
71
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,435
Everything go down in the big book.
72
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:53,937
Everything.
73
00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:56,690
After my coma, right,
before the accident...
74
00:05:57,399 --> 00:06:01,111
I could’ve swore it was three Kardashians,
Kim, Khloé and Kourtney.
75
00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:04,656
And after I came out of the coma,
was six of them motherfuckers.
76
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:08,952
And one of them won a decathlon in 1976.
77
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,793
Was on a Wheaties box like this.
78
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:24,301
Caitlyn is a hot MILF.
I’ll fuck the shit out of her.
79
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:29,014
Caitlyn can get this dick.
I’ll fuck the shit out of her.
80
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:33,560
I’d get her ass pregnant.
81
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:37,397
You know I’m old school.
I don’t be pulling out.
82
00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:42,652
She might not have a pussy now,
but when I’m done fucking her she will.
83
00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:47,907
Prolapse the shit out of her booty hole.
84
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,995
This is Caitlyn’s butt right here.
85
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:03,381
She’ll have to go to the hospital
wearing a kilt.
86
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:07,177
“Um, excuse me,
my ass is hanging out of my ass.”
87
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:09,697
“You mean you have hemorrhoids?”
88
00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:12,057
“No, my ass is hanging out of my ass.”
89
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,058
“Oh, you have colitis.”
90
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:15,185
“No, my ass is hanging out of my ass!”
91
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:17,646
“What’s your name?” “Caitlyn.”
92
00:07:17,729 --> 00:07:19,439
“How do you spell that,
with a ‘C’ or ‘K’?”
93
00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:20,732
“Bruce, bitch!”
94
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:30,784
I suffered some terrible injuries,
you know?
95
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,954
Traumatic brain injury.
96
00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:36,331
Broke every bone in my face, my ribs.
97
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:38,291
I pulverized my femur.
98
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,919
And through all of that,
I asked my doctor, I said,
99
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“Is my dick okay?
100
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:47,050
I don’t need no thighbone, motherfucker.
I need my dick.”
101
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:51,471
That would be horrible if you came out
of a coma and the doctor be like,
102
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,139
“Mr. Morgan, your penis was severed.”
103
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I’d be like, “Well, I’m going back
in this coma, motherfucker.
104
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,771
Kill me, motherfucker.
What the fuck am I doing alive?”
105
00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:01,356
I’m suing everybody.
106
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:04,484
The hospital, the doctors,
especially my wife.
107
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:07,654
’Cause she always called me
a dickless son of a bitch.
108
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Your dick is gone.
109
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,915
And you’re trying to be normal out here.
110
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Goin’ to the club,
trying to pick women up,
111
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,544
knowing you can’t do shit for ’em.
112
00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:23,795
“Hey, what up, baby?
113
00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:25,880
Why don’t you come to my house
114
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so I can rug-burn and scissor
the shit out of you.
115
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:33,513
We’re gonna start a campfire
rubbing these coochies together.
116
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Come on. Let’s rub on it.
117
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Rub on.
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Oh, rub on.
119
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Oh, rub it.”
120
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,444
I’m from the ghetto, man.
I’m from the ghetto.
121
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,072
And after I came out from the coma,
I was blind for a week.
122
00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:53,867
And where I come from,
you don’t want to be blind for a second.
123
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All kind of shit start comin’ up missing
in my hospital room.
124
00:08:58,163 --> 00:09:01,374
One day my uncle was trying to walk out
with my fucking heart monitor.
125
00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:04,520
I said, “Michael, where you going
with my heart machine?”
126
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,213
He said,
“Oh. I was just holding it for you.”
127
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Tried to sell it to another hospital.
128
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“Put my heart machine back,
you fucking crackhead.”
129
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When I came out of the coma,
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my whole family came to the hospital
to visit me just to tell me they love me.
131
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My whole family came just to tell me
they love me.
132
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Except for my grandmother.
133
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Like every other old black woman,
all she care about is education.
134
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I’m like, “Grandma...
135
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:43,291
I made it.
136
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:45,251
I survived.”
137
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,754
She said, “Good. Now you can go back
and get your GED.
138
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,966
Do something with your damn self.
You got a second chance.”
139
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:57,013
I said, “But, Grandma, I was on 30 Rock.”
140
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,974
She said, “If you had your GED,
you’d have been on 60 Rock.
141
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,769
Go get your fucking GED.
142
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,688
Get your goddamn GED.”
143
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,401
Now, she one of them old Southern women.
Church and shit, you know?
144
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,654
So she prays all the time.
145
00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:14,906
One morning I woke up,
she was praying over me.
146
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And I said,
“Grandma, stop praying over me.
147
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I already died and went to heaven
and spoke to God.”
148
00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:22,497
She said, “What’d he say?”
149
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:25,917
I said, “God said, ‘Tell your grandmother
to shut the fuck up!
150
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,172
Between her and Tim Tebow,
I can’t get no fucking sleep.
151
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:35,677
The world is on fire and I’m too tired
to put this shit out.
152
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,930
Jesus, turn that fucking music down.’”
153
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,813
She-She’s a Jehovah’s Witness.
My grandmother’s a Jehovah’s Witness.
154
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Yeah, I know. I know.
155
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:51,252
If you think it’s messed up when they pop
up at your house at 8:00 in the morning,
156
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:55,321
it’s worse when they pop up at
your hospital bed and your femur’s broke.
157
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:56,906
You can’t run from ’em.
158
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:00,785
You can’t curse ’em out.
Can’t slam the door on their face.
159
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:03,788
Them fucking Watchtower magazines
start piling up.
160
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:09,460
She come to my hospital room,
I’m pretending I’m back in a coma.
161
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,469
“He’s moving.” “No, I’m not.”
162
00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:21,139
In a fucking coma.
163
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,436
Then she starts singing
them Negro spirituals.
164
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:33,484
Even at home, she’s singing this shit.
165
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,580
I said, “Grandma, stop it.
166
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:47,498
You’re not in a field picking cotton.
167
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:52,211
You’re at home in your kitchen
making grilled cheese sandwiches
168
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:53,796
for your grandkids.”
169
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,344
’Cause she was a Civil Rights activist.
170
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:02,138
One time, she even marched 30 miles
171
00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:03,890
just to sit in a restaurant
172
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:06,643
and eat lunch with white people
that hated her black ass.
173
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:10,146
So you know there was nothing I could do
about getting her out of my hospital room.
174
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,065
Nothin’.
175
00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:17,487
But it’s good to have relatives around you
when you’re convalescing like that,
176
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’cause they give you the strength
and the motivation to get better.
177
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,575
Just so you get the fuck away
from their ass again.
178
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,412
Y’all know your motivation
when you first left home.
179
00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,183
“I got to get the fuck away
from y’all crazy motherfuckers.
180
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:31,501
I’ll do this on
Thanksgiving and Christmas,
181
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:34,253
but I ain’t gonna do this
on a day-to-day basis. No!”
182
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,050
The one I feared the most
to come seeing me
183
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,593
was my Aunt Flossie.
184
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:43,096
’Cause she didn’t come see me
’cause she cared about me.
185
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:46,349
She just wanted to be in the middle
of some family bullshit.
186
00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:49,936
She’s that aunt that’s always
in the middle of some family bullshit.
187
00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:52,459
I knew she was in the hospital
before she even came to my room
188
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:53,999
’cause I heard her voice
in the waiting room.
189
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:55,858
“Who you calling a nigga?”
190
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:05,910
She was the most judgmental,
mean-spirited person I know.
191
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:08,788
Like, she would sit in a chair
in the corner of my hospital room
192
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,457
and judge everybody that came in the room
to see me.
193
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:13,126
“Who the fuck is this bitch...
194
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:17,171
with these nylon stockings on
and this tight dress?”
195
00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:19,007
“Flossie, that’s my nurse.”
196
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,971
“So? So? She look like
a fucking chickenhead to me.
197
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:26,764
Cluck, cluck.
198
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,394
She ain’t got to be rubbin’ on you.
199
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:35,398
Rubbin’ your arm up and down,
saying everything is gonna be all right.
200
00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:39,110
Touchin’ on you. You a married man, Tracy.
201
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:40,403
She a ho.
202
00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:42,947
She put the ‘ho’ in ho-spital.”
203
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,621
Just judgmental.
204
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:54,167
My grandmother is 84 years old now.
205
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:58,171
When she was 72,
she went back and got her GED.
206
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,798
And we were so proud of her.
207
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:03,176
We were so proud.
208
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:06,471
We threw a party for her and everything.
A big party with the family.
209
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:09,348
She’s sittin’ in the corner,
“That bitch still stupid.”
210
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,269
“That’s your mother, Flossie.”
211
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:14,729
“So? So?
212
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:16,856
Is she gonna go to college now?
213
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,233
How’s she gonna get there,
the Underground Railroad?”
214
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,488
She’s just mean-spirited.
215
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,073
Nobody in my family’s like that.
216
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,742
She’s even mean to her husband, Bobby.
217
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:29,702
Bobby’s my favorite uncle.
He’s a good man.
218
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:32,372
He’s a butcher.
He just can’t read and write.
219
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,874
You know how she introduce him to people?
220
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,794
“Hi, this is my husband, Bobby.
He limited.”
221
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:55,728
Just to fuck with him,
she would do sick shit, like on Christmas,
222
00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:59,649
she’d make him put the kids’ toys together
knowing he can’t read the instructions.
223
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:06,447
She’d go, “Hey, Bobby,
put the kids’ toys together.
224
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:07,949
Watch this.”
225
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:13,079
Bobby’s sitting there
with the instructions struggling.
226
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:18,251
It was like watching a retarded person
be executed.
227
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:23,339
As they strap ’em down to the gurney,
he’d pop up and go, “See you tomorrow.”
228
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,355
She was just too much.
229
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,607
But she had three older brothers.
230
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,317
My oldest uncle name is Marvin.
231
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,081
We called him Uncle Jailbird
’cause I didn’t know this motherfucker.
232
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,322
My whole life, he was in prison.
233
00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,493
His last conviction,
234
00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:56,080
he got arrested for stealing
some kid’s iPod at a bus stop.
235
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,790
It wasn’t even an iPhone.
236
00:15:57,874 --> 00:16:01,961
The judge gave him three extra years
for stealing outdated technology.
237
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,172
Stupid motherfucker.
238
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:07,842
His first conviction,
239
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:11,345
he got arrested for trying to sell
stolen cold cuts to prostitutes
240
00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:13,723
at a truck stop
on the New Jersey Turnpike.
241
00:16:16,851 --> 00:16:20,480
He roll up on a truck and go,
“What can I get for a turkey sandwich?”
242
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:22,815
“Shit, I ain’t sucking your dick
for no lunch meat.”
243
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,320
But selling all that pussy,
you get hungry.
244
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:30,448
Before you know it, there was
a line of prostitutes outside his truck.
245
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:32,825
“Can I get a salami sandwich?”
246
00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:35,328
He roll the window down and go,
“I knew you’d be back.
247
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,955
I knew you bitches be back.”
248
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,334
The pimps ratted him out.
249
00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:44,337
The prostitutes was too bloated
to sell pussy,
250
00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:46,631
from all the sodium from the cold cuts.
251
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,817
They ratted his ass out.
“We gotta get him outta here.
252
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,135
Get him outta this parking lot.
He got to go.
253
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:54,263
This is a truck stop, goddamn it.
We sell good pussy here.
254
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,434
These girls work hard, goddamn it.”
255
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:03,439
At his sentencing, a judge asked him,
256
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:07,527
“Where did you get the idea
to sell stolen cold cuts to prostitutes
257
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,946
at a truck stop
on the New Jersey Turnpike?”
258
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:13,074
This fool looks at the judge and go,
“Hos gotta eat too.”
259
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:22,041
But he was nervous for Flossie.
260
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:26,045
One time Flossie went to visit him
on a visit, and he was real nervous.
261
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:29,465
He’s sittin’ there in the visiting room
trying to make small talk with her.
262
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,759
Saying shit like--
263
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:33,386
“Thank God today’s Friday, right?”
264
00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:37,014
She said, “In prison, every day is Friday
for you, motherfucker.
265
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,226
There ain’t no Mondays or Tuesdays.
266
00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:42,728
There’s just days where you get
fucked in the ass,
267
00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,355
and days where you don’t.”
268
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:49,944
He start yelling at the guard,
“Get me the fuck outta here!
269
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,362
This is abuse!”
270
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:53,948
And on the way walking back to his cell
she yelled out,
271
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:57,410
“You better hope today’s your lucky day
and you’re on top, motherfucker.”
272
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,498
My family’s crazy.
273
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:07,128
Everybody in here got that dark side
of their family they don’t fuck with.
274
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:11,132
She’s shakin’ her head.
Yup, everybody here got a dark side.
275
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:14,260
They’re pieces of shit.
They’re just related to you.
276
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:18,598
Y’all know who the fuck I’m talking about.
277
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,558
Y’all on your way to the house
on Thanksgiving,
278
00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:23,436
and your father’s driving the car
and y’all in the backseat.
279
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:26,897
And he’s turning around to go,
“We’re only staying for a half hour.”
280
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:29,442
Them motherfuckers.
281
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,698
Y’all get there. Tryin’ to have
a nice dinner, and their house is filthy.
282
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,826
Y’all eatin’ turkey
and a roach crawl on the wall,
283
00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:42,204
and your father go, “Goddamn it! Let’s go.
284
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:44,624
These motherfuckers are savages.
285
00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:48,377
It smell like German shepherd
and ass in here.
286
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:54,091
I wouldn’t drink bottled water
with these motherfuckers.
287
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,594
And this chicken ain’t all the way dead.
288
00:18:58,387 --> 00:18:59,764
Let’s fucking go.”
289
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,060
It’s worse when they come to your house.
290
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:07,282
12:00 at night, one of your
fucking cousins is knockin’ on the door.
291
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,692
Your mother go to the door
with that nasty-ass nightgown on
292
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:14,945
that got a rip right here
and you can see half her areola.
293
00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:19,867
Big ass areola. Look like
she dipped her titty in chocolate.
294
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,079
“Who is it?”
295
00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:26,499
“It’s me, Jimmy.”
296
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:30,461
“It’s Jimmy. It’s Jimmy.
It’s Jimmy. It’s Jimmy.”
297
00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,714
Your father
a big funky looking motherfucker.
298
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:35,675
Got on these dingy-ass Fruit of the Looms.
299
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:40,096
And he had surgery on his knee,
so he got that big knee brace on.
300
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,640
And he get up and go to the door
with a limp.
301
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:43,974
“Goddamn it, Jimmy.
302
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,897
You stole my fucking TV.
303
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,733
That was a nice 27-inch Zenith.
304
00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:55,027
Call the police. Call the police.”
305
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:58,948
That’s family.
306
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:04,036
My family is fucking bugged.
307
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,621
My family crazy.
308
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:08,958
My family is crazy.
309
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,751
I got a big family.
310
00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:13,462
And at the front of the family
is a lot of elderly people,
311
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:14,964
and they’re startin’ to die off.
312
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,149
And ’cause of my settlement,
313
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:18,333
they think I’m supposed to pay
for everybody’s funeral.
314
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,803
And that shit get expensive.
315
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,305
I had to sit them motherfuckers down
and go, “Wait a minute.
316
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,516
Some of you niggas
gonna have to be cremated.
317
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,228
And that’s without a box.
318
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:32,106
Just slide your ass in like some pizza.
319
00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:40,364
If you want to go in the ground,
I’ll buy one huge-ass coffin
320
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:41,907
and rent a deep freezer,
321
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:45,077
and whoever die that year,
every December goes in the ground.
322
00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:48,456
And if you don’t like it,
I’ll put fire to your ass.
323
00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:52,418
Hey, I understand
the whole Black Lives Matter,
324
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:53,961
but you niggas would be dead.
325
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:55,755
And you niggas won’t matter.”
326
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,099
They crazy.
327
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:11,771
I got a bunch of aunts
that had babies by deadbeat motherfuckers.
328
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:13,439
All them fucking kids.
329
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:16,859
And they think I’m supposed to
put all their kids in fucking college.
330
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:19,320
You fucked for ’em. You made ’em.
331
00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:20,863
You pay their tuition.
332
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,532
I’m all for higher learning.
333
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:26,577
But this is not
the United Niggas College Fund.
334
00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:32,541
If the motherfucker can’t play basketball
or run a 4.3 in a 40, he’s fucked.
335
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:37,505
Don’t be mad. UPS is hiring.
336
00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:46,514
When I came out the coma, I got deep.
337
00:21:46,931 --> 00:21:48,766
I wanted to learn who I was,
where I’m from.
338
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:52,228
So I went online
and got that ancestry.com shit.
339
00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,191
The results just came back last week.
You know, the chart says
340
00:21:57,274 --> 00:22:01,946
25% Native American, 25% African American,
10% Irish.
341
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,114
My whole chart just said
“Nigga from Brooklyn.”
342
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,081
Hey.
343
00:22:12,581 --> 00:22:15,000
I come from a long line
of niggas from Brooklyn.
344
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:17,336
I’m from the projects.
345
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,564
For all you white people here
that don’t know what that is,
346
00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:21,590
you remember that movie The Lion King?
347
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:24,176
When Mufasa was talking to Simba,
and he said,
348
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:26,887
“Everything the light touches
belongs to us.”
349
00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:28,532
And Simba said, “What’s that dark area?”
350
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:30,599
He said, “That’s the projects, nigga.
351
00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:34,979
You don’t go over there, motherfucker.
Keep your ass over here on Pride Rock.
352
00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:36,480
You understand me?
353
00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:39,608
That’s where the pit bulls
and Latin Kings be.
354
00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:41,277
Your Uncle Scar’s a Latin King.
355
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,445
That’s how he got that cut on his head.
356
00:22:43,529 --> 00:22:45,406
Keep your ass over here on Pride Rock.”
357
00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:50,703
I’m from the ghetto, man.
The ghetto’s crazy.
358
00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:52,514
The ghetto’s crazy.
359
00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:54,832
Motherfuckers don’t even
have normal names there no more.
360
00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:57,293
Ever since that Five-Percent
of religion came,
361
00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:01,589
motherfuckers changed their names to names
that don’t even fit their personality.
362
00:23:01,672 --> 00:23:04,925
Like I know a dude named Knowledge,
don’t know shit.
363
00:23:08,137 --> 00:23:11,181
Motherfucker named Universe
who never left the neighborhood.
364
00:23:12,891 --> 00:23:16,770
I know one motherfucker named Unique,
got an identical twin brother.
365
00:23:18,981 --> 00:23:20,316
Crazy motherfucker.
366
00:23:33,162 --> 00:23:36,206
When I was in the hospital, all my friends
from Brooklyn called me, man.
367
00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:38,792
Well, Jay Z called me.
368
00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:41,295
- Chris Rock called me.
- We love you, Tracy!
369
00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:42,378
And I love you too.
370
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:43,964
Let me see your titty now.
371
00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:50,137
Like I was saying, all my friends
from Brooklyn called, you know?
372
00:23:51,013 --> 00:23:53,974
All my friends from Brooklyn called.
Jay Z called. Chris Rock called.
373
00:23:54,058 --> 00:23:56,393
Eddie Murphy called. Mike Tyson called.
374
00:23:56,477 --> 00:23:59,229
Yeah, Mike. Mike called me.
He said, “Tracy.”
375
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:03,192
I said, “Who the fuck is this?”
He said, “Me, Mike Tyson.
376
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:06,779
When you come home from the hospital,
I’m gonna come visit you.
377
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:10,324
We can fly pigeons
and get matching face tattoos.”
378
00:24:10,407 --> 00:24:12,785
I said, “No, you’re not coming
to my house, Mike.
379
00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:17,456
My brain is already messed up.
I don’t need your crazy rubbin’ off on me.
380
00:24:18,499 --> 00:24:20,542
I got hit by a truck, nigga.
I ain’t stupid.”
381
00:24:24,672 --> 00:24:26,733
When I came out of the coma,
I was behaving erratically.
382
00:24:26,757 --> 00:24:29,426
I was acting really erratically.
And the doctors told my wife,
383
00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:31,178
“Mrs. Morgan, that’s the brain trauma.”
384
00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:33,263
And my wife looked at the doctors
and said, “Nah.
385
00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:37,643
Nah.
386
00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,688
That nigga always been crazy.”
387
00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:52,074
“I was hoping the accident
was going to fix his crazy brain.”
388
00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:56,412
Like an old TV where you can’t get
the picture to work. Goddamn, come on.
389
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:58,288
Archie Bunker’s comin’ on.
390
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:05,713
My brain was really messed up, man.
It was really messed up, man.
391
00:25:06,422 --> 00:25:10,759
I remember coming out of the coma,
had this Donna Summer song in my head.
392
00:25:10,843 --> 00:25:14,221
For some reason, I got
this Donna Summer song in my head, man.
393
00:25:14,304 --> 00:25:17,344
But I couldn’t remember the words.
All day, just singing this fucking Donna--
394
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:26,775
All day, just singing this shit.
395
00:25:32,656 --> 00:25:35,659
I couldn’t remember the words
and it scared the shit out of me.
396
00:25:36,118 --> 00:25:39,371
I said to myself, if I can’t remember
the words to this, or simple shit,
397
00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:41,832
they ain’t gonna never
let me out of this hospital.
398
00:25:41,915 --> 00:25:42,915
All day long.
399
00:25:49,798 --> 00:25:51,550
And then it dawned on me.
400
00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:54,303
I never knew the fucking words
to the song!
401
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:10,861
I don’t think Donna Summer knew the words
to the song, and she wrote the song.
402
00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,872
I tell you though, man,
403
00:26:21,955 --> 00:26:25,292
when I was in the hospital,
I masturbated constantly.
404
00:26:26,335 --> 00:26:29,129
That’s all I did all day long
was beat on this dick.
405
00:26:30,506 --> 00:26:33,383
That was the only part of my body
that worked.
406
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:36,428
This dick got beat upon.
407
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:39,723
I beat this dick like he owed me money.
408
00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:42,810
Give me my shit back.
409
00:26:44,394 --> 00:26:47,523
My dick put a restraining order out
on my right hand.
410
00:26:49,983 --> 00:26:53,737
I tore my rotator cuff on my left arm
beatin’ on this dick.
411
00:26:53,821 --> 00:26:55,948
Had to get Tommy John surgery.
412
00:26:56,406 --> 00:26:59,952
One day, the heart machine went off.
The nurses came running in.
413
00:27:00,702 --> 00:27:01,763
I was in there beatin’ off.
414
00:27:01,787 --> 00:27:04,873
They said somebody need to teach
that motherfucker solitaire or something.
415
00:27:05,874 --> 00:27:07,960
Crossword puzzles or something.
416
00:27:11,588 --> 00:27:13,006
I did physical therapy.
417
00:27:14,258 --> 00:27:17,219
Did physical therapy.
I kept my physical therapist close to me.
418
00:27:17,302 --> 00:27:20,681
’Cause me and my wife planned on
getting married when things settled.
419
00:27:20,764 --> 00:27:23,809
I wanted to walk my wife down the aisle.
420
00:27:23,892 --> 00:27:26,895
Without a crutch. Without a cane.
421
00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:32,067
So I kept her near me. But when she came
to my house for the first time,
422
00:27:32,150 --> 00:27:36,488
the physical therapist,
I opened the door and I was like, “Whoa.”
423
00:27:36,572 --> 00:27:38,782
This white woman was 6’1”.
424
00:27:38,866 --> 00:27:43,787
Blue eyes, blonde hair. And I never seen
a white woman with a booty like this.
425
00:27:44,830 --> 00:27:48,125
Yeah. Huge, nice, fat, small waist.
426
00:27:48,208 --> 00:27:51,378
Look like she swallowed
a young black girl from Harlem.
427
00:27:52,421 --> 00:27:53,421
Damn.
428
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:56,633
An amazon. Can I get my on?
429
00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:01,430
Ah, man, she was beautiful.
I mean, I remember one time--
430
00:28:01,513 --> 00:28:05,517
one time she bent over in front of me,
I seen, like, five inches of butt crack.
431
00:28:05,601 --> 00:28:07,936
And it was beautiful.
It was like watching a sunset.
432
00:28:13,191 --> 00:28:15,360
I felt like I should’ve been laying in
a hammock,
433
00:28:15,444 --> 00:28:17,112
sippin’ on a piña colada.
434
00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:19,239
Beautiful sight to behold.
435
00:28:20,324 --> 00:28:24,369
Beautiful butt. It would inspire
young black males to stay in school.
436
00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:29,708
One day I had a wardrobe malfunction
and my dick had popped out.
437
00:28:29,791 --> 00:28:32,085
And the mouth on my dick
was grinning at her.
438
00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:38,592
Then it started singing to her.
439
00:28:47,309 --> 00:28:49,061
And she would work me out.
440
00:28:49,144 --> 00:28:50,246
This woman really worked me out.
441
00:28:50,270 --> 00:28:52,022
She was dedicated to gettin’ me
on my feet.
442
00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:55,442
She worked me out sittin’ between my legs
and stretching me out.
443
00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:57,361
And rubbed my muscles
and relaxed my muscles.
444
00:28:57,444 --> 00:28:59,363
And I would look at her.
445
00:28:59,446 --> 00:29:01,281
And I started to fall in love with her.
446
00:29:02,616 --> 00:29:04,618
I started to have feelings for her.
447
00:29:05,577 --> 00:29:07,537
But it wasn’t true.
It was just a syndrome.
448
00:29:07,621 --> 00:29:09,421
It’s called
the Florence Nightingale syndrome.
449
00:29:09,498 --> 00:29:13,543
True story. Florence Nightingale was
a nurse in the Crimean War in the 1800s.
450
00:29:13,627 --> 00:29:15,772
She would nurse all the wounded soldiers
back together,
451
00:29:15,796 --> 00:29:17,339
and they would fall in love with her.
452
00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:18,423
And that happened to me.
453
00:29:18,507 --> 00:29:20,259
And then one day my wife saw that shit.
454
00:29:20,342 --> 00:29:22,052
She said, “What the fuck is going on?
455
00:29:24,513 --> 00:29:26,932
And why is your dick singing
‘On the Radio’ to her?”
456
00:29:31,228 --> 00:29:33,105
I said, “No, baby. I’m sorry.
457
00:29:33,188 --> 00:29:35,315
I’m sorry. I don’t love her. I love you.
458
00:29:35,399 --> 00:29:37,025
I didn’t mean it. I love you.
459
00:29:37,109 --> 00:29:40,112
It’s just a syndrome. It’s called
the Florence Nightingale syndrome.”
460
00:29:40,195 --> 00:29:43,615
She said, “Yeah, motherfucker, guess what.
I got a syndrome too.
461
00:29:43,699 --> 00:29:46,326
It’s called the Big Dick Mailman syndrome.
462
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,622
And
the Pussy-eatin’ Pool Cleaner syndrome.”
463
00:29:50,706 --> 00:29:53,000
I said, “You have dual syndromes?
464
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:54,668
Can I watch?”
465
00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:03,385
My speech therapist was a good woman.
She helped me out, helped my life out.
466
00:30:03,468 --> 00:30:05,220
You know, I kept her close to me because
467
00:30:05,304 --> 00:30:08,557
I wanted to recite the vows
to my wife at our wedding correctly.
468
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:12,019
I wanted to say “I do,”
and not “Fuck you.”
469
00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:19,109
So she worked really closely with me.
470
00:30:19,985 --> 00:30:24,281
And because of the brain trauma, some
days were dark, and some days were okay.
471
00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:26,245
I remember one day,
she came over on a dark day,
472
00:30:26,325 --> 00:30:28,910
and she said,
“Mr. Morgan, I would like for you
473
00:30:28,994 --> 00:30:30,829
to repeat after me, okay?
474
00:30:30,912 --> 00:30:35,208
Say, ‘The man is on the corner.’ Okay?
Say that.
475
00:30:35,292 --> 00:30:38,920
‘The man is on the corner.’”
476
00:30:39,004 --> 00:30:41,048
And I said, “The man is on the corner.”
477
00:30:41,131 --> 00:30:42,799
She said, “No. Say, ‘The man’”--
478
00:30:42,883 --> 00:30:44,676
I said, “Bitch, that’s how I talk.
479
00:30:45,719 --> 00:30:47,639
Everybody can see that man
on the fucking corner.
480
00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:50,140
Don’t talk to me
about that fucking man on the corner.
481
00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:53,560
He got a green jacket? That’s
my Uncle Marvin on that fucking corner.
482
00:30:53,977 --> 00:30:56,480
He’s selling stolen cold cuts
on that fucking corner.”
483
00:30:57,064 --> 00:30:59,232
And she see that she hurt me.
484
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:02,110
She said, “Mr. Morgan, are you okay?”
I said, “I’m a’ight.”
485
00:31:02,194 --> 00:31:03,403
She said, “No, say, I’m”--
486
00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:05,864
I said,
“Bitch, I told you that’s how I talk.”
487
00:31:07,324 --> 00:31:09,034
Then I see that I hurt her.
488
00:31:09,117 --> 00:31:10,243
And I said, “Are you okay?”
489
00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:12,037
She said, “I’m a’ight.”
490
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,247
I said,
“This bitch playing with my head now.
491
00:31:15,082 --> 00:31:17,352
She trying to get in my head
and live rent free, goddamn it.
492
00:31:17,376 --> 00:31:18,627
Okay, you win.
493
00:31:18,710 --> 00:31:20,545
The man is on the corner.”
494
00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:34,559
You know what was cool?
When I was in my wheelchair.
495
00:31:34,643 --> 00:31:39,314
My daughter was 14 months old,
and I got to see her take her first steps.
496
00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:41,608
And that right there--
497
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:42,691
Yeah, thank you.
498
00:31:42,734 --> 00:31:44,277
I got to see that.
499
00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:46,279
That’s important to a man.
500
00:31:46,988 --> 00:31:50,450
That inspired me to get out of
my wheelchair, and I took my first steps.
501
00:31:50,534 --> 00:31:53,286
So now, me and my daughter
walk hand in hand for life.
502
00:31:53,370 --> 00:31:55,622
’Cause we learned how to walk
at the same time.
503
00:31:55,705 --> 00:31:57,040
That’s magic.
504
00:31:57,124 --> 00:31:58,458
Magic.
505
00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,001
I’ll never forget it.
506
00:32:00,085 --> 00:32:03,588
I remember,
one night me and my wife, Megan,
507
00:32:03,672 --> 00:32:05,674
we saw her running down the hallway,
508
00:32:05,757 --> 00:32:07,968
for the first time
in her shitty doo-doo Pamper.
509
00:32:08,677 --> 00:32:11,471
I started running down the hallway
in my shitty doo-doo Pamper,
510
00:32:11,555 --> 00:32:12,848
tryin’ to catch her little ass.
511
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:13,932
“Come here, goddamn it.”
512
00:32:21,231 --> 00:32:23,400
Then it got competitive
with me and my daughter.
513
00:32:24,484 --> 00:32:26,087
One day I seen her breast-feeding
with my wife.
514
00:32:26,111 --> 00:32:28,321
I said,
“Damn, she suck titty better than me.”
515
00:32:30,073 --> 00:32:32,659
I took her technique
because I love me some titty milk.
516
00:32:33,702 --> 00:32:35,078
Titty milk and Splenda.
517
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,414
I gotta watch my carbs, you know?
518
00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:42,252
Ben & Jerry’s should make that
a new flavor.
519
00:32:43,044 --> 00:32:45,380
Could I get two scoops of Titty Milk
and Splenda?
520
00:32:45,464 --> 00:32:47,090
No, just put it in a little cup.
521
00:32:47,174 --> 00:32:50,594
I don’t want a waffle cone. Just a little
cup. Titty Milk and Splenda. Thank you.
522
00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:53,221
Thank you very much.
523
00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:56,183
I miss y’all.
524
00:32:56,850 --> 00:32:58,018
I miss doing this.
525
00:32:59,686 --> 00:33:01,521
I really miss y’all. I love you.
526
00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:04,983
Whoa, it was... scary.
527
00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:08,195
I knew when I was ready to come back.
528
00:33:08,612 --> 00:33:12,407
’Cause my wife, my rock,
stopped pitying me.
529
00:33:12,491 --> 00:33:13,867
That’s when I knew.
530
00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:16,912
’Cause when the accident happened,
you know, I got depressed,
531
00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:19,748
you know, watching my friends,
like Tina Fey, Kevin Hart,
532
00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:21,625
all those people doing what I love to do.
533
00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,793
I started eating a lot of comfort food.
534
00:33:23,877 --> 00:33:25,670
And I put on a lot of pounds.
535
00:33:25,754 --> 00:33:28,194
And then one day my wife
just got fed up and was looking at me
536
00:33:28,256 --> 00:33:29,925
laying on the couch like a beached whale.
537
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:31,343
With disgust.
538
00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:35,347
It was like she was counting
the stretch marks, you know?
539
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:38,201
And she said,
“Why don’t you get off the couch
540
00:33:38,225 --> 00:33:40,227
and go to the comedy club
and do some comedy,
541
00:33:40,310 --> 00:33:43,063
you big-gut, shitty,
Pamper-wearin’ motherfucker?”
542
00:33:46,024 --> 00:33:48,193
And I jumped up and said, “I’m back!”
543
00:33:50,654 --> 00:33:51,863
Whoo!
544
00:33:57,118 --> 00:33:58,118
Whoo!
545
00:33:59,079 --> 00:34:00,914
’Cause let me tell you something, man.
546
00:34:01,414 --> 00:34:02,916
Let me tell you guys something.
547
00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:04,894
You’re nothing.
I don’t care who you think you are,
548
00:34:04,918 --> 00:34:08,588
how special you think you are,
how much money and pretty and looks.
549
00:34:08,672 --> 00:34:10,507
You nothing without your health.
550
00:34:11,132 --> 00:34:13,009
Take it from me, man.
551
00:34:13,093 --> 00:34:14,803
Let’s not take it for granted.
552
00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:17,264
You gotta take care of yourself,
know what I’m saying?
553
00:34:17,347 --> 00:34:21,017
Look at Tiger Woods,
the greatest golfer in the world.
554
00:34:21,101 --> 00:34:24,145
Four back surgeries later,
he’s just a normal nigga like me.
555
00:34:26,314 --> 00:34:28,984
I mean,
the blackest thing Tiger Woods ever did
556
00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:30,652
was suck at golf.
557
00:34:33,238 --> 00:34:34,781
Y’all can handle the nigga now.
558
00:34:37,409 --> 00:34:41,246
I just can’t believe, like, at the height
of his career he denied being black.
559
00:34:41,329 --> 00:34:45,041
I’m like,
“Tiger, your dad’s name is Earl Woods.”
560
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,796
“Every Earl Woods I know is black.
561
00:34:50,422 --> 00:34:52,007
And he drive a white van.
562
00:34:52,424 --> 00:34:54,509
He sell fish out the back of that van.
563
00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:56,845
And he’s fucking my aunt.
564
00:34:57,387 --> 00:35:00,265
Tiger, you got two little half brothers
up in Harlem.
565
00:35:00,348 --> 00:35:01,766
You need to go see ’em.
566
00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:03,935
Rodney and Darius.”
567
00:35:09,733 --> 00:35:14,029
Tiger Woods went downhill
when he started cheatin’ on his wife.
568
00:35:14,863 --> 00:35:16,573
Only little boys do that.
569
00:35:17,032 --> 00:35:20,285
You got a good rider,
a good woman with you by your side,
570
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:21,828
you don’t cheat on her.
571
00:35:21,911 --> 00:35:25,290
You got a good woman by your side.
And what I’m saying in essence, fellas,
572
00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:27,334
don’t go chasing waterfalls.
573
00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:31,379
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes
you’re used to.
574
00:35:36,593 --> 00:35:37,993
Chasing them young girls out there.
575
00:35:38,053 --> 00:35:40,597
One of them young girls
gonna give you herpes in your mouth.
576
00:35:41,222 --> 00:35:44,225
And everybody at CVS
know what that cream is for.
577
00:35:48,605 --> 00:35:51,441
You don’t wanna be that dude in your 50s
sittin’ in that free clinic
578
00:35:51,524 --> 00:35:53,193
with them young motherfuckers.
579
00:35:53,860 --> 00:35:55,528
Just sittin’ there.
580
00:35:55,612 --> 00:35:57,447
“Excuse me. Are you the doctor?”
581
00:35:57,530 --> 00:35:59,616
“No, I got clap. I’m next.”
582
00:36:01,284 --> 00:36:02,202
“What is clap?”
583
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:03,745
“Old school VD.”
584
00:36:05,163 --> 00:36:09,084
“After we get our shots, could you buy
me and my friends a case of beer?”
585
00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:10,877
“You gonna get me some young bitches?”
586
00:36:13,088 --> 00:36:16,508
That’s arrested development.
You gotta grow the fuck up.
587
00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:17,467
Yeah!
588
00:36:17,550 --> 00:36:18,635
You do!
589
00:36:21,346 --> 00:36:24,307
Can’t keep doing the shit
you were doing when you was 18.
590
00:36:25,308 --> 00:36:27,560
I was watching Couples Therapy
the other day.
591
00:36:27,644 --> 00:36:29,604
They have Flavor Flav on there.
592
00:36:31,189 --> 00:36:33,775
Flavor Flav is 62 years old.
593
00:36:34,234 --> 00:36:37,862
I’m not calling no 62-year-old man
Flavor Flav.
594
00:36:38,697 --> 00:36:41,700
What is your real name? Derek?
595
00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:48,248
And take that clock off, goddamn it.
596
00:36:52,001 --> 00:36:53,670
Arrested development.
597
00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:57,632
He had a hat on to the side
with reading glasses on.
598
00:36:58,174 --> 00:36:59,634
When you have reading glasses on,
599
00:36:59,718 --> 00:37:02,637
it’s time to turn the brim around
to the front
600
00:37:02,721 --> 00:37:05,140
and become a real Padres fan.
601
00:37:07,100 --> 00:37:09,436
And put a belt on, goddamn it.
602
00:37:11,187 --> 00:37:12,939
Them young sags out there.
603
00:37:14,649 --> 00:37:16,252
That’s why I don’t go
to strip clubs no more.
604
00:37:16,276 --> 00:37:17,736
That’s arrested development.
605
00:37:17,819 --> 00:37:19,696
I don’t go to strip clubs no more.
606
00:37:20,530 --> 00:37:22,299
I just got tired of fighting
with them bitches
607
00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:24,868
on how many songs I paid for
on the lap dance.
608
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:27,454
I said three songs.
609
00:37:27,537 --> 00:37:29,247
Mixtapes don’t count.
610
00:37:32,167 --> 00:37:34,669
I just got tired of them bitches
recognizing me in the street
611
00:37:34,753 --> 00:37:36,254
while I’m with my wife and kids.
612
00:37:36,337 --> 00:37:38,339
“Hi, Tracy.
613
00:37:38,423 --> 00:37:40,884
It’s me Janet, aka Cinnamon.”
614
00:37:40,967 --> 00:37:42,969
“Damn it, Cinnamon!
I said don’t talk to me
615
00:37:43,052 --> 00:37:45,054
unless we’re in the Boom Boom Room.”
616
00:37:47,932 --> 00:37:51,394
You don’t want to be the old man
bringing flowers on Valentine’s Day.
617
00:37:51,478 --> 00:37:53,164
At the strip club.
You don’t want to be that.
618
00:37:53,188 --> 00:37:55,064
“Hi, Cinnamon. These are for you.”
619
00:37:55,148 --> 00:37:58,485
“Oh, these are so nice. Could you
set these in that water over there
620
00:37:58,568 --> 00:38:01,946
while I lap-dance this guy
till he comes in his pants?”
621
00:38:05,867 --> 00:38:08,578
Arrested development.
Women, y’all got arrested development too.
622
00:38:08,661 --> 00:38:11,623
Me and my wife went to a wedding
two weeks ago.
623
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:14,250
And when you get to a certain age,
this is dancing.
624
00:38:14,334 --> 00:38:15,710
Two-steppin’.
625
00:38:15,794 --> 00:38:17,337
That’s all you gotta do...
626
00:38:18,338 --> 00:38:19,923
is one move.
627
00:38:20,006 --> 00:38:22,008
Stomach out. Stomach in.
628
00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:24,803
Stomach out. Stomach in.
629
00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:27,347
Stomach out. Stomach in.
630
00:38:27,430 --> 00:38:29,682
Stomach out. Stomach in.
631
00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:32,185
Stomach out. Stomach in.
632
00:38:32,644 --> 00:38:34,270
That’s all you gotta do.
633
00:38:34,354 --> 00:38:36,439
We was dancing next to
this 50-year-old woman,
634
00:38:36,523 --> 00:38:39,067
and this bitch start doing
all this Ciara shit.
635
00:38:39,484 --> 00:38:41,694
And I was still smiling.
But in my mind, I was saying,
636
00:38:41,778 --> 00:38:43,363
“If this bitch kick me in the femur...
637
00:38:46,866 --> 00:38:48,785
I’m gonna knock her the fuck out.”
638
00:38:51,371 --> 00:38:53,540
Just keep the beat, you big bitch.
639
00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:57,502
Arrested development.
640
00:38:59,003 --> 00:39:01,172
Madonna has arrested development too.
641
00:39:01,256 --> 00:39:04,467
You seen all the plastic surgeries
she had trying to look like a young girl?
642
00:39:05,260 --> 00:39:08,012
I like saggy mom titties.
643
00:39:09,055 --> 00:39:10,390
I like that.
644
00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:13,351
You breast-fed two kids with them titties.
645
00:39:13,434 --> 00:39:15,895
They’ve earned the right to relax.
646
00:39:21,985 --> 00:39:24,571
Titties all the way down
by her C-section scar.
647
00:39:25,947 --> 00:39:28,283
The nipples and pussy is this far away.
648
00:39:29,784 --> 00:39:30,869
As far as I’m concerned,
649
00:39:30,952 --> 00:39:34,831
ain’t nothing better than eating pussy
and sucking titties at the same time.
650
00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:45,341
Women, don’t be ashamed of your bodies.
651
00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:47,677
Don’t be ashamed.
652
00:39:49,762 --> 00:39:52,140
My first love was 300 pounds.
653
00:39:52,515 --> 00:39:55,894
In the ghetto.
And that was Big Mertis. 300 pounds.
654
00:39:55,977 --> 00:39:57,687
That was my baby girl.
655
00:39:58,813 --> 00:40:01,566
Me and her go back to the fourth grade.
She was 250 then.
656
00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:06,988
I loved Big Mertis. She was
the first girl I ever fucked naked.
657
00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:09,675
You know?
’Cause when you’re in high school,
658
00:40:09,699 --> 00:40:11,993
you pull your pants down to your knees
when you fuck...
659
00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:14,013
in case somebody coming up the stairs.
660
00:40:14,037 --> 00:40:15,496
You can pull your shit back up.
661
00:40:18,082 --> 00:40:19,918
She let me fuck her naked.
662
00:40:20,293 --> 00:40:21,604
’Cause her mother worked at night.
663
00:40:21,628 --> 00:40:23,668
So I would go up there
and fuck her for ten minutes,
664
00:40:23,713 --> 00:40:26,341
then sleep for two hours,
just like I do now.
665
00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:36,267
I remember one time,
I was tearing that pussy up.
666
00:40:36,351 --> 00:40:39,771
And she said, “Tracy, I want you
to pick me up and fuck me on the wall.”
667
00:40:39,854 --> 00:40:41,648
I said, “Bitch, you’re 300 pounds.
668
00:40:43,691 --> 00:40:46,277
You know I got that scoliosis in my spine.
669
00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:49,447
You gotta pick me up
and fuck me on the wall.”
670
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:51,991
And she did!
671
00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:55,662
She fucked the shit out of me on the wall.
672
00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:58,581
And she cured my scoliosis.
673
00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:01,501
Thank God it was a weight-bearing wall.
674
00:41:05,630 --> 00:41:07,799
That was my baby girl. She broke my heart.
675
00:41:08,925 --> 00:41:11,177
Broke my heart. Shattered my shit.
676
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:14,472
’Cause I didn’t know
everybody in the hood was fucking her.
677
00:41:14,889 --> 00:41:17,809
Everybody was fucking her.
I found that out the hard way.
678
00:41:17,892 --> 00:41:20,144
One time I had her doggy style,
tearin’ up--
679
00:41:20,228 --> 00:41:23,314
“Who pussy is this? Who pussy is this?”
680
00:41:23,398 --> 00:41:26,651
And she turned around and said,
“You mean right now?
681
00:41:28,778 --> 00:41:30,923
Well, it’s yours right now,
but in ten minutes when Derek comes,
682
00:41:30,947 --> 00:41:32,323
it’s gonna be his.
683
00:41:32,407 --> 00:41:35,702
But go ahead and knock yourself out.
Goddamn it, knock yourself out.
684
00:41:36,369 --> 00:41:37,954
Go knock yourself out.”
685
00:41:39,122 --> 00:41:41,541
Pattin’ that booty.
“Go and knock yourself out.”
686
00:41:45,169 --> 00:41:47,380
I love everything about a woman’s body.
687
00:41:47,463 --> 00:41:49,966
I donk everything. I love everything.
688
00:41:50,049 --> 00:41:53,302
I like making love to women
who got C-section scars.
689
00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:55,114
And I ain’t talking about
that little slit there.
690
00:41:55,138 --> 00:41:56,848
I’m talking about the old-school shit.
691
00:41:58,099 --> 00:42:01,728
Old school. Her stomach look like
that cut on Frankenstein’s forehead.
692
00:42:02,812 --> 00:42:04,439
“Friend.”
693
00:42:12,113 --> 00:42:13,781
Just got married.
694
00:42:15,074 --> 00:42:16,701
Just got married again.
695
00:42:17,201 --> 00:42:18,929
This is my second marriage.
This one gotta work.
696
00:42:18,953 --> 00:42:20,705
I fucked that first marriage up.
697
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:22,623
I fucked it up.
698
00:42:22,707 --> 00:42:23,958
This one gotta work.
699
00:42:24,042 --> 00:42:26,753
Know how much alimony and child support
that’d be.
700
00:42:26,836 --> 00:42:29,380
I would have to get hit
by a second Walmart truck.
701
00:42:31,466 --> 00:42:33,092
And a Doritos truck.
702
00:42:34,093 --> 00:42:35,553
And a FedEx plane.
703
00:42:36,429 --> 00:42:39,515
Heard you could make
a quiet 20 million off a FedEx plane.
704
00:42:39,599 --> 00:42:42,769
If you survive with all your faculties
and limbs and shit.
705
00:42:42,852 --> 00:42:45,563
That’d be messed up
if you was just a torso and a head.
706
00:42:46,314 --> 00:42:49,275
Your friend carry you around
in a Gucci bag on his back.
707
00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:53,571
“Yo, take me to the beach, man.
Put me where the bitches be.
708
00:42:54,739 --> 00:42:57,950
If it get too hot, I’m gonna go, ‘Ooh!’
That mean come get me.”
709
00:42:59,869 --> 00:43:02,330
You’re just a torso with a chinchilla on.
710
00:43:10,088 --> 00:43:13,174
Y’all will know if I ever go broke.
Y’all hear about me.
711
00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:16,594
Ridin’ on the turnpike,
dressed in all black on a ten-speed.
712
00:43:18,513 --> 00:43:20,389
“There goes that news van again.”
713
00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:24,519
I fucked that first marriage up, man.
714
00:43:25,144 --> 00:43:26,145
I fucked it up, man.
715
00:43:26,229 --> 00:43:27,688
Just too much drinking.
716
00:43:28,147 --> 00:43:29,148
Too much drinking.
717
00:43:29,232 --> 00:43:31,109
I remember my first DUI.
718
00:43:31,192 --> 00:43:34,570
The cop gave me a line test
and I kept stepping on his shoe.
719
00:43:34,654 --> 00:43:36,781
And I said,
“Move your foot, motherfucker!”
720
00:43:38,157 --> 00:43:40,993
He didn’t think that was funny.
He took my black ass to jail.
721
00:43:42,203 --> 00:43:44,539
My second DUI,
they didn’t even give me a Breathalyzer.
722
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:47,208
I just sat in the backseat
my goddamn self.
723
00:43:47,959 --> 00:43:49,168
I know how much I drank.
724
00:43:49,252 --> 00:43:51,587
I had two Long Island Iced Teas
and three Incredible Hulks.
725
00:43:51,671 --> 00:43:52,797
Let’s go.
726
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:57,885
I read myself my own Miranda rights.
You have the right to remain--
727
00:43:57,969 --> 00:43:59,428
Then I waived them.
728
00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:03,141
Then I beat the shit out of myself
just for being black.
729
00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:11,023
They made me go to AA meetings.
That shit was depressing.
730
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:13,377
One motherfucker stood up at the meeting
and said,
731
00:44:13,401 --> 00:44:15,903
“Alcohol made me burn my house down.”
732
00:44:15,987 --> 00:44:18,906
Another fucker stood up and said,
“Alcohol made me want to kill myself.”
733
00:44:18,990 --> 00:44:22,076
I stood up and said,
“You motherfuckers are a bunch of liars.
734
00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:24,370
That wasn’t alcohol. That was crack.”
735
00:44:25,997 --> 00:44:28,457
Alcohol don’t do that to you.
When I’m drunk at the club,
736
00:44:28,541 --> 00:44:31,544
all I wanna do is pull my dick out
on the dance floor and sing.
737
00:44:45,725 --> 00:44:47,351
They made me do community service.
738
00:44:47,435 --> 00:44:50,354
But the fucked-up thing about that,
nobody wanted me in their community.
739
00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:53,733
They want to see you on TV.
740
00:44:53,816 --> 00:44:56,027
Don’t want to see your black ass
in nobody’s backyard...
741
00:44:56,611 --> 00:44:57,653
peein’ in their shrubs.
742
00:44:57,737 --> 00:45:01,449
“Who’s that in Jim’s backyard
peeing in the shrubs drinkin’ a 40?”
743
00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:04,327
“That’s Tracy Morgan
from Saturday Night Live.”
744
00:45:06,203 --> 00:45:07,663
“If the nigga pee in these shrubs,
745
00:45:07,747 --> 00:45:10,583
that’s gonna be Tracy Morgan
from Saturday Night Dead.”
746
00:45:13,586 --> 00:45:15,546
My wife is strong. She’s a strong woman.
747
00:45:15,630 --> 00:45:18,049
She showed me her strength. She’s strong.
748
00:45:18,132 --> 00:45:20,051
As a woman, you would have to be strong
749
00:45:20,134 --> 00:45:22,970
to have a motherfucker
with a face like this on top of you.
750
00:45:30,227 --> 00:45:33,564
I look like a cross between Wesley Snipes
and Biz Markie.
751
00:45:40,363 --> 00:45:44,116
I remember the first time
I had sex with my wife after the accident.
752
00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:45,576
I came hard.
753
00:45:46,494 --> 00:45:48,913
I mean, I came hard. Like in high school.
754
00:45:51,499 --> 00:45:52,792
I came hard.
755
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:56,462
Remember in high school,
you’d come hard and shit?
756
00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:00,216
I had a William Tell dick.
757
00:46:00,299 --> 00:46:02,593
I could knock an apple off your head
from right here.
758
00:46:07,473 --> 00:46:10,434
Remember in high school, your dick
got hard-- that high school hard-on?
759
00:46:10,518 --> 00:46:12,603
You could break brick with that dick,
goddamn it.
760
00:46:14,355 --> 00:46:17,358
But when you get in your 40s and 50s,
you’re playing semipro now.
761
00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:23,280
She gotta suck your dick for two hours
just to get you semi-hard.
762
00:46:24,240 --> 00:46:26,492
Her nose start bleeding, mascara running.
763
00:46:27,159 --> 00:46:30,246
She gotta dislocate her jaw
like a boa constrictor.
764
00:46:36,335 --> 00:46:37,335
“You need help.”
765
00:46:39,046 --> 00:46:42,091
And, ladies, when you’re making love,
spit on his dick. Spit on it.
766
00:46:43,259 --> 00:46:45,594
Spit on that dick.
I love when a woman spit on my--
767
00:46:45,678 --> 00:46:47,263
Spit on it like you hate it.
768
00:46:48,305 --> 00:46:51,225
Call it a racial slur.
“You Czechoslovakian son of a”--
769
00:46:52,143 --> 00:46:53,143
Goddamn it.
770
00:46:53,185 --> 00:46:54,812
Spit on that fuckin’ dick.
771
00:46:55,438 --> 00:46:57,064
“You Ecuadorean mother”--
772
00:46:58,691 --> 00:47:00,568
“You Mexican immigrant puto”--
773
00:47:00,651 --> 00:47:02,737
Please, spit on that dick, goddamn it.
774
00:47:03,404 --> 00:47:05,114
Spit on that fucking dick.
775
00:47:08,743 --> 00:47:12,580
I’m an older man now. So being intimate
with my wife now, you know,
776
00:47:12,663 --> 00:47:14,081
is different, you know.
777
00:47:14,165 --> 00:47:16,792
Before sex,
I gotta pull out a black tool bag.
778
00:47:18,669 --> 00:47:20,713
Inside the bag is a Zorro mask...
779
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:24,967
a vibrator, some spare batteries
and an apology letter.
780
00:47:27,428 --> 00:47:29,013
“What’s the apology letter for?”
781
00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,096
“You’ll see.
782
00:47:31,390 --> 00:47:32,390
You’ll see.”
783
00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:42,068
I don’t care who you are here.
If you’re a couple, keep fucking.
784
00:47:42,151 --> 00:47:44,278
You got to. Keep your relationship hot.
785
00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:46,590
’Cause if y’all live together
and y’all not fucking no more,
786
00:47:46,614 --> 00:47:48,074
y’all are nothing but roommates.
787
00:47:49,617 --> 00:47:52,554
Don’t let her start that headache shit.
’Cause they always start with that.
788
00:47:52,578 --> 00:47:53,412
“I got a headache.”
789
00:47:53,496 --> 00:47:56,433
“Yeah, well, you’re gonna have a headache
with this dick up in you, goddamn it.
790
00:47:56,457 --> 00:47:59,794
I drive that truck all week.
I spend good money in here, goddamn it.”
791
00:48:00,628 --> 00:48:02,171
Fuck all that headache shit.
792
00:48:04,006 --> 00:48:05,424
“You need a Bufferin, goddamn it?
793
00:48:07,676 --> 00:48:09,178
You need a Bufferin?”
794
00:48:10,096 --> 00:48:11,764
You gotta keep it hot.
795
00:48:13,390 --> 00:48:16,977
I don’t care if you’re 90 years old.
You stick that foreskin up in her.
796
00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:20,439
I don’t care if you got one hump left.
Goddamn it, here.
797
00:48:25,236 --> 00:48:27,113
With a bunch of foreskin.
798
00:48:27,988 --> 00:48:29,532
Gotta keep it hot.
799
00:48:29,615 --> 00:48:32,618
Foreplay is not just before sex.
800
00:48:32,701 --> 00:48:35,079
Foreplay is all day long.
801
00:48:35,454 --> 00:48:38,457
You let her know I’m still attracted
to your anatomy.
802
00:48:38,541 --> 00:48:40,352
When she in the kitchen cooking
for you and the kids,
803
00:48:40,376 --> 00:48:42,086
go in there and squeeze her booty.
804
00:48:42,169 --> 00:48:43,879
“Go ahead now, Robert.
805
00:48:45,089 --> 00:48:47,800
You see these damn kids here.
You better go ahead now.”
806
00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:51,512
When you’re driving in the car,
pull her titty out at a red light.
807
00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:54,306
“You better stop it!
I’m not playing with you.
808
00:48:54,807 --> 00:48:56,642
I ain’t playin’.”
809
00:49:00,312 --> 00:49:03,816
And, fellas, when you’re making love
to your wife, take your fucking socks off.
810
00:49:07,236 --> 00:49:10,281
Ladies, if he don’t take his socks off,
that’s not love.
811
00:49:10,364 --> 00:49:12,950
That’s just two ships passing
in the night.
812
00:49:19,915 --> 00:49:22,126
My wife is 18 years younger than me.
813
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:24,837
Okay, my wife is 18 years younger than me.
814
00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:30,259
Sometimes-- Sometimes the age difference
can be a little difficult.
815
00:49:30,718 --> 00:49:32,612
Like we had an argument the other night,
and I told her,
816
00:49:32,636 --> 00:49:35,055
“Listen, I’m a 47-year-old man.
817
00:49:35,139 --> 00:49:38,893
I’m not gonna sit here with you all night
and argue about Beyoncé.”
818
00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:44,940
She said, “But Beyoncé and Jay Z
is show business royalty.”
819
00:49:45,024 --> 00:49:48,277
I said, “Let me tell you something.
Jay Z just got hit by Solange.
820
00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:50,070
I got hit by a Walmart truck.”
821
00:49:55,576 --> 00:49:57,995
I’m madly in love with her, man.
That’s my baby.
822
00:49:58,454 --> 00:50:00,539
My wife. I’m madly in love with her, man.
823
00:50:00,623 --> 00:50:03,500
But when you got a beautiful young wife
like that you’re married to,
824
00:50:03,584 --> 00:50:04,853
and you’re madly in love with her,
825
00:50:04,877 --> 00:50:07,379
it puts you at a disadvantage
in the relationship.
826
00:50:07,463 --> 00:50:08,964
’Cause you ain’t gonna never leave.
827
00:50:09,048 --> 00:50:11,217
You ain’t gonna never leave her. Never.
828
00:50:11,300 --> 00:50:13,719
You talk your shit like you will,
but you ain’t.
829
00:50:14,053 --> 00:50:15,095
And she know it.
830
00:50:15,179 --> 00:50:17,115
I told my wife the other day,
“Let me tell you something.
831
00:50:17,139 --> 00:50:19,058
You keep treating me the way you treat me,
832
00:50:19,141 --> 00:50:20,351
one morning you gonna wake up,
833
00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:22,355
and I’m gonna be sittin’ right there,
goddamn it.
834
00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:26,982
That black medical bag
and your cappuccino.
835
00:50:27,358 --> 00:50:29,026
Right there. I ain’t going nowhere.
836
00:50:29,109 --> 00:50:30,109
I ain’t going nowhere.”
837
00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:34,073
They ain’t going nowhere.
838
00:50:35,241 --> 00:50:37,785
My wife is beautiful.
She’s half white and half black.
839
00:50:38,285 --> 00:50:40,913
There’s up sides to that
and down sides to that, you know?
840
00:50:40,996 --> 00:50:44,291
’Cause she use the nigga word with me,
I don’t know what side called me a nigga.
841
00:50:47,711 --> 00:50:50,172
If the black side of her
called me a nigga, cool.
842
00:50:51,131 --> 00:50:54,301
But if the white side of her called me
a nigga, we got a fucking problem.
843
00:50:55,386 --> 00:50:58,264
You gonna make me say, “Don’t call me
a nigga, you cracker bitch!
844
00:50:59,098 --> 00:51:00,349
You honky whore.”
845
00:51:06,689 --> 00:51:09,709
’Cause when I’m fighting with my wife,
I hope I’m arguing with the white side,
846
00:51:09,733 --> 00:51:13,404
’cause white women don’t curse you out
and insult your genitalia.
847
00:51:13,487 --> 00:51:16,573
In an argument,
a white woman will listen to you...
848
00:51:17,283 --> 00:51:18,534
and then she’ll huff,
849
00:51:18,617 --> 00:51:21,745
and then she’ll walk to her room
and call her lawyer.
850
00:51:25,249 --> 00:51:28,794
I mean, where you think that term
“irreconcilable differences” come from?
851
00:51:28,877 --> 00:51:30,671
It didn’t come from a black woman.
852
00:51:30,754 --> 00:51:33,132
For a black woman,
every difference is reconcilable,
853
00:51:33,215 --> 00:51:35,426
long as she got a knife
and a fucking rolling pin.
854
00:51:39,763 --> 00:51:42,683
’Cause we live in a very
affluent neighborhood now.
855
00:51:43,350 --> 00:51:45,185
So when we argue...
856
00:51:45,894 --> 00:51:49,982
we don’t yell no more because
there’s an echo in the suburbs.
857
00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:52,860
And that shit reverberates
all the way around the block.
858
00:51:52,943 --> 00:51:55,988
“Motherfucker! Motherfucker.
Motherfucker. Motherfucker.
859
00:51:56,071 --> 00:51:58,490
Motherfucker. Motherfucker.
Motherfucker. Motherfucker--
860
00:51:58,574 --> 00:52:01,076
Oh, shit! Somebody in our house.”
861
00:52:02,828 --> 00:52:04,663
But in the ghetto, ain’t no echo.
862
00:52:04,747 --> 00:52:07,107
There’s just a bunch of motherfuckers
yelling at each other.
863
00:52:07,708 --> 00:52:10,711
And if you think somebody in your house,
somebody’s in your house.
864
00:52:14,423 --> 00:52:17,426
Now I forgave the driver.
I forgave that driver that hit me.
865
00:52:17,509 --> 00:52:18,844
I’m not even mad at him.
866
00:52:18,927 --> 00:52:22,306
But I’ll tell you who is mad at him.
All my white neighbors.
867
00:52:26,101 --> 00:52:29,813
“Now if you ain’t never hit this nigga,
he wouldn’t be livin’ next to me!
868
00:52:29,897 --> 00:52:31,357
I got daughters.
869
00:52:35,778 --> 00:52:38,447
Group of biracial motherfuckers
runnin’ around here.”
870
00:52:46,121 --> 00:52:48,207
You know, God gave me a second chance.
871
00:52:48,290 --> 00:52:49,625
And I wanted to do better.
872
00:52:51,210 --> 00:52:52,461
I wanted to do better.
873
00:52:54,421 --> 00:52:57,549
Especially on my marriage.
Like my wife, I love my wife.
874
00:52:57,633 --> 00:52:58,675
She call me on my shit.
875
00:52:58,759 --> 00:53:00,570
She said,
“Tracy, let me tell you something, man.
876
00:53:00,594 --> 00:53:03,389
It’s all right to be an asshole,
but don’t become a piece of shit.”
877
00:53:04,223 --> 00:53:07,434
’Cause there is a difference between
an asshole and a piece of shit.
878
00:53:07,518 --> 00:53:10,896
Asshole will ruin your summer.
Piece of shit will ruin your 20s.
879
00:53:12,398 --> 00:53:13,982
Asshole will call you fat.
880
00:53:14,066 --> 00:53:17,694
A piece of shit will sell your
diabetes medicine for Powerball tickets.
881
00:53:22,199 --> 00:53:24,743
Just trying to control my emotions now.
882
00:53:24,827 --> 00:53:26,829
When my wife yell at me,
I don’t yell back.
883
00:53:26,912 --> 00:53:29,289
I just go to my side of the house
and I mutter.
884
00:53:29,998 --> 00:53:33,001
Sometimes I fuck up
and I say the word “bitch” too loud.
885
00:53:33,085 --> 00:53:36,171
Her black side heard that.
“Who the fuck is you calling a bitch?
886
00:53:36,797 --> 00:53:39,174
You want this rolling pin
up aside your head again?”
887
00:53:40,843 --> 00:53:43,512
Then I huff,
and I walk to my room and call my lawyer.
888
00:53:47,599 --> 00:53:49,351
I’m a jealous guy, man.
889
00:53:50,185 --> 00:53:51,478
I don’t mean to be with my wife,
890
00:53:51,562 --> 00:53:53,605
but I’m probably gonna be jealous
in the afterlife.
891
00:53:54,440 --> 00:53:56,525
In the afterlife...
I told my wife the other day,
892
00:53:56,608 --> 00:53:59,528
you know, “If I should leave this earth
before you, God forbid...
893
00:54:00,446 --> 00:54:02,823
you better sit on that pussy
for two years.
894
00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:07,286
Show your damn love.
If you wanna go to other women, cool.
895
00:54:07,369 --> 00:54:11,331
I’m a ghost. I’ll be haunting you.
I might want some girl-on-girl action.
896
00:54:12,666 --> 00:54:16,462
But if you give it to another man,
I’m gonna put my ghost foot in his ass.
897
00:54:16,545 --> 00:54:20,048
And if that don’t work, I’m gonna use a
cell phone or a candlestick, goddamn it.”
898
00:54:21,550 --> 00:54:22,384
I’m serious, man.
899
00:54:22,468 --> 00:54:25,679
You give that shit up too soon,
you be ridin’ the next motherfucker,
900
00:54:25,762 --> 00:54:27,514
and I’ll knock a picture off the wall.
901
00:54:28,599 --> 00:54:29,683
“He’s here!”
902
00:54:29,766 --> 00:54:31,226
“Who the fuck is here?
903
00:54:31,810 --> 00:54:35,022
You better ride this dick, goddamn it.
I drive that truck all week.
904
00:54:35,355 --> 00:54:37,024
I spend good money in here.”
905
00:54:40,861 --> 00:54:43,780
Let me tell y’all something, man.
When it’s my time to go back to heaven,
906
00:54:43,864 --> 00:54:44,990
I’m ready.
907
00:54:45,073 --> 00:54:46,408
I won’t be scared.
908
00:54:46,742 --> 00:54:47,868
I’m ready.
909
00:54:47,951 --> 00:54:49,244
I’ll be all right.
910
00:54:49,328 --> 00:54:51,038
I met God. He’s cool.
911
00:54:51,455 --> 00:54:54,791
You know, he’s a hard ass,
but that’s only ’cause he’s Old Testament.
912
00:54:57,336 --> 00:54:58,837
Old Testament.
913
00:54:58,921 --> 00:55:00,839
You know, Jesus was cool.
914
00:55:00,923 --> 00:55:03,592
I was up there partying with Jesus.
He cool.
915
00:55:03,675 --> 00:55:04,927
’Cause he New Testament.
916
00:55:05,677 --> 00:55:07,346
You know what kind of guy Jesus is?
917
00:55:07,429 --> 00:55:10,432
Jesus is that guy
that was always at the party
918
00:55:10,516 --> 00:55:12,768
and he always brought the good reefer.
919
00:55:14,394 --> 00:55:16,563
They didn’t call it weed yet.
They called it reefer.
920
00:55:17,523 --> 00:55:19,942
And he’s the one that roll the spliffs
in the corner
921
00:55:20,025 --> 00:55:22,486
on top of a Stevie Wonder album cover.
922
00:55:23,070 --> 00:55:25,239
And the party’s poppin’ ’cause of him.
923
00:55:25,322 --> 00:55:28,200
This is Jesus at the party
rollin’ the joints.
924
00:55:44,216 --> 00:55:45,092
Who is it?
925
00:55:45,175 --> 00:55:46,468
It’s Jimmy Mack.
926
00:55:46,552 --> 00:55:48,804
Let him in. He cool. That’s my man.
Let him in.
927
00:56:03,652 --> 00:56:04,987
Who is it now?
928
00:56:05,445 --> 00:56:06,530
It’s Tracy Morgan.
929
00:56:06,613 --> 00:56:08,657
Nah, don’t let that nigga in. He’s crazy.
930
00:56:09,408 --> 00:56:10,450
Send him back down.
931
00:56:28,802 --> 00:56:29,928
Jesus!
932
00:56:30,721 --> 00:56:33,682
Turn that shit down now!
933
00:56:33,765 --> 00:56:35,058
That’s my pops.
934
00:56:35,767 --> 00:56:37,185
Put on something mellow.
935
00:56:53,785 --> 00:56:56,538
My name is Tracy Morgan. I love you.
Peace. I’m out.