1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:06,880
[audience cheering]

3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,680
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage

4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

5
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:15,360
-Mr. Jack Whitehall!
-[audience cheering and applauding]

6
00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:17,480
We having a drink this evening, London?

7
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:19,520
-[audience cheering]
-Yeah!

8
00:00:19,599 --> 00:00:20,959
On the bevvies!

9
00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:23,520
I'm, uh…
I'm actually on the waters this evening.

10
00:00:23,599 --> 00:00:24,880
Um, I don't wanna start--

11
00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:27,920
No, I don't wanna start proceedings off
on a bum note,

12
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,119
but I had a situation recently.

13
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,800
I don't wanna say intervention.
That's a strong word.

14
00:00:32,879 --> 00:00:36,400
But no, basically,
some of my friends took me aside

15
00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,800
and said they were worried
I drink too much.

16
00:00:38,879 --> 00:00:42,040
I was like, "Shit, I'm gonna have
to do something about that."

17
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:45,080
And I am proud to say,
that as of last week,

18
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,760
I have just celebrated six months

19
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:48,960
of not seeing them.

20
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,400
[audience laughing]

21
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:54,599
-Twelve steps away from those losers!
-[audience cheering]

22
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,440
[audience laughing]

23
00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,279
I read an article recently…

24
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,239
[laughs]

25
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,959
Why do I say that I read an article?
I saw a TikTok.

26
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:04,319
[audience laughing]

27
00:01:04,399 --> 00:01:09,080
And the TikTok said that red wine actually
has quite a lot of health benefits.

28
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,680
-So, yeah.
-[man cheers]

29
00:01:10,759 --> 00:01:11,640
[Jack laughs]

30
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:15,759
That was definitely an alcoholic,
not a doctor, cheering in the back there!

31
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:16,880
[audience laughs]

32
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,399
To be fair, that is when you know
that you drink too much,

33
00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:23,440
is when you've got a health benefit
for your alcoholic beverage of choice.

34
00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:24,720
I think, over the years,

35
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,560
I may have collected one
for every drink. [chuckles]

36
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,479
Let's put it to the test tonight, right?

37
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,880
Shout out some
of your favorite alcoholic beverages.

38
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,720
I'll try to give you
health benefits for them.

39
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:34,640
[audience shouting]

40
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,640
Okay, vodka in low amounts
can lower your cholesterol.

41
00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:41,920
Okay, white wine has ellagic acid in it,
which is good for your circulation.

42
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,119
[man] Jägerbomb!

43
00:01:43,199 --> 00:01:46,759
Uh, Jägerbombs, uh, keep you alert
if you're driving late at night.

44
00:01:46,839 --> 00:01:48,559
[audience laughing]

45
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,000
I'll take one more.

46
00:01:50,759 --> 00:01:52,960
Stella? "Fucking Stella!" [laughs]

47
00:01:53,039 --> 00:01:54,399
In his string vest, aye.

48
00:01:54,479 --> 00:01:58,320
Uh, um, I'll take you through the beers.
I heard Guinness over there as well.

49
00:01:58,399 --> 00:02:00,160
Stella is a lager which has riboflavin,

50
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:02,240
which is good
for the production of red blood cells.

51
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:03,520
You said Guinness,

52
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:07,160
which is a stout, which has iron in it,
which helps with your immune system.

53
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:10,919
And craft IPAs help you tell
which one of your friends is a bell end.

54
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,160
[audience laughing]

55
00:02:14,239 --> 00:02:15,960
That's the big trend these days, isn't it?

56
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,239
All of this non-alcoholic booze
you see everywhere.

57
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,000
I'll tell you what. It's gone too far.

58
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:25,880
The other day, I saw for sale
a bottle of non-alcoholic sambuca.

59
00:02:25,959 --> 00:02:27,160
[audience laughs]

60
00:02:27,239 --> 00:02:32,480
Who the fuck
is buying non-alcoholic sambuca?

61
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:33,480
Newsflash,

62
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,560
no one in the history of the world
has ever ordered a sambuca

63
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:40,360
when they haven't been
completely shit-faced.

64
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:41,360
[audience laughs]

65
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:45,519
No one is drinking 'buca
for its wonderful flavor profile.

66
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,959
It's not a beverage. It's a forfeit.

67
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,920
It's the most minging drink in existence.

68
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,880
It tastes like Bertie Bassett's ball sack.

69
00:02:53,959 --> 00:02:55,040
[audience laughing]

70
00:02:55,120 --> 00:03:00,320
It's so gross,
it's only serving suggestion is "on fire."

71
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:04,280
There is no other drink on the market
that they do that with.

72
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:08,200
"Oh, sommelier, can I get a bottle
of the 1986 Cabernet Sauvignon, please?"

73
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,959
"Oh, no, don't decant it. Just rack it up,
chuck in a couple of coffee beans,

74
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,200
and torch the fucker."

75
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,920
Sambuca is so gross
that you could go on a night out,

76
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,959
you could get so annihilated

77
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:22,239
that you end up
picking a fight with a revolving door,

78
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:26,320
getting chucked out of a nightclub
for defecating into a lady's handbag,

79
00:03:26,399 --> 00:03:28,959
and then wanking off a tramp
behind a wheelie bin.

80
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,160
You would still wake up
the following morning

81
00:03:31,239 --> 00:03:33,640
and the thing you most regret
from the night before

82
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,799
is that you drank sambuca.

83
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,080
[audience laughing]

84
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:40,200
It's crazy.

85
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,640
We've got non-alcoholic booze now.

86
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,200
We've got Beyond Meat.

87
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:45,280
Vaping.

88
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,920
They are taking away our vices.

89
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,320
I called my drug dealer the other day.

90
00:03:50,399 --> 00:03:52,959
He offered me something called
I Can't Believe It's Not Cocaine!

91
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:56,079
[audience laughing]

92
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,720
I do try, as I get a little bit older,

93
00:03:58,799 --> 00:04:01,839
I try to interrogate
my relationship with alcohol a bit more.

94
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,160
I genuinely think I drink as a crutch,

95
00:04:04,239 --> 00:04:06,600
'cause I think
I get quite bad social anxiety.

96
00:04:06,679 --> 00:04:09,640
Which people are surprised to hear,
'cause I do this for a living.

97
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,200
But that's why I love a whiskey.
Whiskey is my drink.

98
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:16,640
It's my go-to because what whiskey does
is it just tweaks my internal monologue.

99
00:04:16,719 --> 00:04:18,560
That little voice in your head.

100
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,760
'Cause if I walk into a room sober,

101
00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:24,000
the voice in my head
is like a cross between

102
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,800
my dad and Severus Snape.

103
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,080
[audience laughs]

104
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,160
I walk into a room sober, it's like…

105
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,960
[sternly] "Nobody in this room likes you."

106
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:34,080
[audience laughs]

107
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:35,760
"Look how disappointed they are

108
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,000
that you didn't bring
your daddy with you."

109
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,080
[audience laughs]

110
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,280
"Most of these cheapskates
probably don't even know who you are

111
00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:45,520
now that Netflix have clamped down
on password sharing."

112
00:04:45,599 --> 00:04:46,720
[audience laughs]

113
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:50,440
"They're all looking over
at your ridiculous new haircut."

114
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,280
"You thought by growing it out,

115
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,640
you'd look like Kit Harington
from Game of Thrones."

116
00:04:55,720 --> 00:05:00,000
"And instead you've wound up looking like
a Tesco Value Richard Hammond."

117
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:03,280
[audience laughing]

118
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,720
That got far too much laughter
this evening.

119
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,640
[audience laughing]

120
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:10,320
I have a whiskey, right,
one scotch inside me,

121
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,680
it's like that voice
miraculously transforms

122
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,720
into a sort of Scottish hype man.

123
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,760
One whiskey down, it's like,
"Oy, oy, Jacky boy!"

124
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:21,840
"Of course you can fucking breakdance!"

125
00:05:21,919 --> 00:05:25,680
"I don't give a shite
if it's your grandmother's funeral!"

126
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,320
[audience laughing]

127
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,800
I mean, to be fair, that's what I'm like
after the Scottish whiskeys.

128
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,280
If I've had a Japanese whiskey,
it sounds like this.

129
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,520
Actually, I'm not gonna do
that one tonight. I…

130
00:05:37,599 --> 00:05:39,200
[audience laughing]

131
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,479
[Jack giggles]

132
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,840
I also, of course, blame
my social inadequacies on my upbringing.

133
00:05:45,919 --> 00:05:48,359
As many of you know,
I was sent to a boarding school age ten,

134
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,400
because my parents
were financially well-off

135
00:05:50,479 --> 00:05:51,840
but emotionally bankrupt.

136
00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,039
[audience laughing]

137
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,880
I know, obviously. Check my privilege.

138
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,400
I know going to a school like that
is a ridiculously unfair leg up in life.

139
00:05:58,479 --> 00:06:02,280
If you needed any more proof that the arts
are far too polluted with toff actors,

140
00:06:02,359 --> 00:06:04,320
look no further than my school.

141
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,560
Bloody everyone went there, all right?

142
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,640
Emma Watson went there.
Robert Pattinson went there.

143
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,919
Yeah, it was Hogwarts.
I went to Hogwarts. I, uh…

144
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,320
Tom Hiddleston went there as well.

145
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,240
And what this means is that
whenever they write about this school

146
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,000
in newspapers and magazines
and articles and alike,

147
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,640
they always get name-checked,

148
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,280
and I am nowhere near it.

149
00:06:25,359 --> 00:06:28,400
It's like I am
the school's dirty little secret.

150
00:06:28,479 --> 00:06:30,599
Just swept underneath the rug.

151
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,760
[audience laughing]

152
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:37,440
Now, obviously, I have a very fragile ego,
and I had to go check the school's website

153
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,000
to see if I'm on the list
of famous former pupils.

154
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,560
I'm there, but you've got to scroll down
for about half an hour.

155
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,520
I'm right down the bottom.

156
00:06:45,599 --> 00:06:47,160
What the fuck do you call this?

157
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,520
[audience laughing]

158
00:06:48,599 --> 00:06:50,320
I'm underneath a rower!

159
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,160
A fucking rower!

160
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:53,919
And yes, he won a gold medal,

161
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,640
but he was in a boat
where there was eight of them.

162
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,240
An eighth of a gold medal?

163
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,960
I've played the O2 Arena, bitch!

164
00:07:01,039 --> 00:07:05,359
[audience cheering and applauding]

165
00:07:08,039 --> 00:07:09,239
[Jack chuckles]

166
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,880
What's funny is that bit is
so much easier to get on board with

167
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:15,799
when I leave out the detail
that he was a Paralympian. [chuckles]

168
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,320
-[audience laughs]
-No. No, too late.

169
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,520
Too late. You've laughed at it now.

170
00:07:20,599 --> 00:07:23,200
Not nice. Shame on you, London.

171
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,320
Laughing at the one-armed rower. Not nice.

172
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,640
[audience laughing]

173
00:07:27,719 --> 00:07:28,840
I made that last bit--

174
00:07:28,919 --> 00:07:32,479
He's not a one-armed rower.
That is not factually accurate. [laughs]

175
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,239
A one-armed rower,
that wouldn't work, would it?

176
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,840
The boat would just go in a circle.
Stop it. No.

177
00:07:37,919 --> 00:07:39,640
[audience laughing]

178
00:07:39,719 --> 00:07:41,599
The point that I wanted to make is this.

179
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,719
This is something that I've talked about,
this slight to my wafer-thin ego.

180
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:49,359
I have complained about the fact
that my school have no pride in me

181
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:52,200
on podcasts, radio interviews, television.

182
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:54,479
I've really put it out there
into the world.

183
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,560
Now, the moral of the story is this.

184
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,719
Be very careful what you wish for.

185
00:07:59,799 --> 00:08:03,200
Six months ago,
there was a story about my school.

186
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,880
It was about a teacher
that had been arrested

187
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:09,320
because they had found
indecent images on his laptop.

188
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,239
Newspaper headline,

189
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,640
"Pervert teacher arrested

190
00:08:13,719 --> 00:08:15,719
at Jack Whitehall's former school."

191
00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:17,280
[audience laughing]

192
00:08:17,359 --> 00:08:19,719
Where is Emma Watson now?

193
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:20,760
[audience laughing]

194
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:24,080
This guy wasn't even a teacher
when I was there.

195
00:08:24,159 --> 00:08:26,719
They had a picture of me in the article.

196
00:08:26,799 --> 00:08:29,719
Scroll down
and there's Professor Noncey-Bollocks,

197
00:08:29,799 --> 00:08:33,120
and me grinning next to him
like I was his muse. [giggles]

198
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,280
What the fuck is that?

199
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:38,199
[audience laughing]

200
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,480
Don't use that picture as well.

201
00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:43,679
That is the worst photo
that's ever been taken of me.

202
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,280
That photo is so unattractive,

203
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,440
if they had found that
on the teacher's laptop,

204
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,440
he probably would've got away with it.

205
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,280
[audience laughing]

206
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:55,480
And they really felt the need as well
to do me dirty in the caption. Yeah.

207
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:59,640
Really. They felt it was necessary
to point out that of these two images,

208
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,320
the depraved pervert
was the one on the left.

209
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,760
[audience laughing]

210
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:07,959
Outrageous.

211
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,800
[audience laughing]

212
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:14,199
The weirdest reaction to this story,
hands down, was my mother's. Okay?

213
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,520
I saw my mum about a week
after this article had been printed.

214
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,079
Went to her house, she's in the kitchen,
big shit-eating grin on her face.

215
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,640
She was like,
"I saw you in the newspaper."

216
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,400
I was like, "Did you read the article?"

217
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,920
"All publicity is good publicity."

218
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:30,880
[audience laughs]

219
00:09:30,959 --> 00:09:33,600
"I don't think that holds up
in this context."

220
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:37,440
"And, just to be clear, you know,
he did not… touch me up."

221
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,360
Do you know what she said? "Oh, darling,
I wouldn't take it to heart."

222
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,720
"You probably just weren't his type."

223
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:43,640
What?!

224
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:46,240
[audience laughing]

225
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,320
This was the final kick in the bollocks.

226
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,360
The final kick in the bollocks came
when I read the main body of the article,

227
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,120
which I've brought to share with you.

228
00:09:54,199 --> 00:09:56,880
I'm over it.
I just thought I would share this detail.

229
00:09:56,959 --> 00:10:00,839
I took it down off my mum's fridge,
and I'm gonna read you this short extract.

230
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,280
Now bearing in mind
I've already got issues with my billing

231
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:04,680
when they write about this school,

232
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:08,440
have a little listen to this
and see why it may have irked me.

233
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,920
'Cause I wasn't
the only famous former pupil

234
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,240
that they decided to debut
in this article.

235
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,520
Listen now,
'cause it's subtle, mind. Ready?

236
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,959
"Criminal proceedings have been
brought against David Chambers,

237
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:22,240
a teacher at one of Britain's
most exclusive private schools,

238
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:26,240
attended by famous former pupils
such as Jack Whitehall

239
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,160
and Ghislaine Maxwell."

240
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:29,240
[surprised laughter]

241
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,040
We do not come as a pair!

242
00:10:32,839 --> 00:10:35,640
What on earth
was this journalist thinking?

243
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,160
"I'm gonna write an article
about a pedophile teacher today."

244
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,839
"I wonder who to name-check.
How about a convicted human trafficker

245
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,400
and the star of Clifford the Big Red Dog?"

246
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,280
[audience roaring with laughter]

247
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,440
Don't put those pictures
next to each other in an article as well.

248
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:58,120
For God's sake, it makes it look like
I'm leading Clifford out of the courtroom

249
00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,560
after he's given evidence.

250
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,320
-[audience laughing]
-Naughty dog.

251
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,959
I feel like we've bonded now.
We've formed a connection.

252
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,079
I think now you're ready
for some of the hard-hitting material.

253
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,360
This is a serious point that I wanna make.

254
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:12,760
Is it just me…

255
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,240
[audience laughs]

256
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,640
Is it just me, or have those

257
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,040
I-am-not-a-robot tests
started getting harder?

258
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,440
[audience laughing]

259
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,079
This isn't the serious bit yet.

260
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,480
This is just one last thing
I have to get off my chest.

261
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:28,839
What the fuck are they playing at?

262
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,520
I have found bicycles
tucked away on roof racks,

263
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,719
cars parked behind walls.

264
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,199
The other day, I shit you not,
I was looking for the boats.

265
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,280
One of them was up a fucking tree!

266
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,199
[audience laughing]

267
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,199
Has anyone else had that moment recently

268
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,280
where you're doing
the I-am-not-a-robot test,

269
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,959
you're on your own in your bedroom
in front of your laptop,

270
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,680
and you have failed
the I-am-not-a-robot test so many times

271
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,719
that you have that moment
where you stop and you go, "Fuck."

272
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,120
-"Maybe I am a robot"?
-[audience laughing]

273
00:11:59,199 --> 00:12:03,000
"Maybe this is how robots realize
that they're robots."

274
00:12:03,079 --> 00:12:05,320
"'Cause they just can't work out

275
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,000
whether a traffic light
consists of the box of lights

276
00:12:09,079 --> 00:12:11,560
or the post that it's on as well."

277
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,440
[audience laughing]

278
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:16,800
"I'm having an existential crisis here!"

279
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:20,800
"I haven't been able to spot
ten traffic lights in a row."

280
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,800
"I'm either a robot or a cyclist."

281
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,719
[audience laughing]

282
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,199
[applause]

283
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,640
I just get so bored
with, like, cybersecurity.

284
00:12:30,719 --> 00:12:34,320
Oh my God. I fuck around now with the bank
when they take me through security.

285
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,839
"Hello, sir. Gonna take you
through security today."

286
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:40,199
"First up, what is
your mother's maiden name?"

287
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,199
"Also Whitehall.
We like to keep the bloodline pure."

288
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,320
[audience laughing]

289
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,920
[Jack laughing]

290
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,800
Or my favorite one,
"Where did you meet your spouse?"

291
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,800
And my bank legally
has to accept the answer.

292
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,240
"Just now, sweet cheeks."

293
00:12:56,320 --> 00:13:00,400
[audience laughing]

294
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,520
My girlfriend got annoyed at me recently

295
00:13:02,599 --> 00:13:06,719
because she saw in my phone that I have
her number saved as her full name.

296
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:10,280
She was like, "That's weird.
We've been going out for three years,

297
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,240
and I'm saved as my full name?"

298
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,160
"I am your girlfriend,
not a business associate."

299
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,719
"I should be saved
as some cute little nickname."

300
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,360
So I was like, "Okay, fine."

301
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,400
I've changed it. She is now saved
as a cute little nickname.

302
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:24,360
[audience laughs]

303
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,920
Shall I tell you what it is?
It is a bit cheesy.

304
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,800
Now don't judge, okay?

305
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,800
She's now saved as
"One-night stand that never left."

306
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,440
[audience laughing]

307
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,000
It's all right.
I'm allowed to make that joke. Know why?

308
00:13:37,079 --> 00:13:40,959
Because what she had me saved as
in her phone, hundred times worse, okay?

309
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,839
We'd been going out for six months,
six months into our relationship,

310
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:49,160
and I saw on my girlfriend's phone
that my number was saved as "Jack,"

311
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,880
and then in brackets, "London."

312
00:13:51,959 --> 00:13:53,199
What the fuck?

313
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,120
[audience laughing]

314
00:13:55,199 --> 00:13:58,040
"I know a lot of Jacks."
"How many bloody Jacks?"

315
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,199
She's the tech-savvy one
in our relationship.

316
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,599
She's got an app for everything.

317
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,360
She's got the Flo app, ladies.
Know about the Flo app?

318
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:06,959
[women and Jack cheering]

319
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,040
Sisters!

320
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,360
I… [chuckles] Dunno what that was.

321
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:12,800
No, the point is, the Flo app
is a really clever bit of kit.

322
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,240
But there is one oversight with it,

323
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,160
and that is
that there is not a feature on it

324
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,680
where you can sync it up
to your partner's phone.

325
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:20,880
She's ahead of me here.

326
00:14:20,959 --> 00:14:23,760
That would be
an absolute bloody game-changer.

327
00:14:23,839 --> 00:14:27,479
I'm not saying that I need
all of the nitty-gritty details,

328
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,439
but how incredible would it be

329
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,959
if the Flo app could just
ping a little alert to my phone

330
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:37,000
to warn me of the three days each month
when I should shut the fuck up?

331
00:14:37,079 --> 00:14:38,880
[audience laughing]

332
00:14:38,959 --> 00:14:40,000
[Jack chuckles]

333
00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:42,280
[audience cheering and applauding]

334
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,319
[Jack chuckles]

335
00:14:44,319 --> 00:14:45,400
[Jack laughs]

336
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,880
She warned me in advance.
When we first started going out, she went,

337
00:14:50,959 --> 00:14:53,640
"I need to let you know in advance,
I get really bad PMS."

338
00:14:53,719 --> 00:14:57,000
"Like, really bad.
Like, five or six times a month."

339
00:14:57,079 --> 00:15:00,719
I was like, "I'm not a doctor, but I think
that might be something else. I… "

340
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,560
[chuckles] Anyway, it turned out
it actually was something else,

341
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,280
because all this time
she had undiagnosed diabetes,

342
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:07,800
and that was the cause of this.

343
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,959
Do we have any diabetics in this evening?

344
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,240
-[scattered cheering]
-Whoo! Yeah, whoo! Yay!

345
00:15:12,319 --> 00:15:14,760
Wave your insulin pens in the air
like you just don't care!

346
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,560
Don't do that! That's a very important
bit of kit. [chuckles]

347
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,439
Yeah, so she is a member
of the diabetic community,

348
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,360
and, actually, weirdly, bizarrely,

349
00:15:23,439 --> 00:15:26,240
it was the night
that I was hosting the BRIT Awards

350
00:15:26,319 --> 00:15:28,400
at the O2 Arena,
and this is where she got it.

351
00:15:28,479 --> 00:15:30,079
Not got it. [laughs]

352
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,360
[audience laughing]

353
00:15:31,439 --> 00:15:33,920
She didn't "get it"
'cause it's not contagious.

354
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,400
Bitten by another diabetic

355
00:15:35,479 --> 00:15:37,560
that mistook her
for a life-size Jelly Baby. No.

356
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,479
-I… [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

357
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,880
No, the night of the BRITs,
we found out, um, that she had diabetes

358
00:15:42,959 --> 00:15:46,800
because she had something called
a diabetic hyper, and she passed out.

359
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,160
She fainted, uh, halfway through
Harry Styles's performance.

360
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,959
[scattered cheering]

361
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:56,880
Yes, I am aware.
That is quite coincidental timing.

362
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,680
Don't worry, there were
a few raised eyebrows, not least from me.

363
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,640
This paramedic backstage
trying to resuscitate her.

364
00:16:03,719 --> 00:16:06,959
"Oh my God, her blood sugar levels
are spiking dangerously."

365
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,839
I was like, "Are we sure this isn't just
a 'Watermelon Sugar' high? Because…"

366
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,000
[audience laughing]

367
00:16:12,079 --> 00:16:13,920
To be honest, I was experiencing

368
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,079
quite a lot of the symptoms
of a diabetic hyper

369
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,160
when I was watching
Harry Styles perform as well.

370
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,160
Dizziness, shortness of breath.

371
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,240
Erect-- Not erection, that's not one.

372
00:16:23,319 --> 00:16:25,880
[audience laughing]

373
00:16:25,959 --> 00:16:28,880
No, but anyway, yeah. So she ended up
being put into an ambulance

374
00:16:28,959 --> 00:16:30,719
and, uh, we got taken off to A&E,

375
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,400
which certainly made
for a different vibe of after-party

376
00:16:33,479 --> 00:16:34,680
to what I was used to.

377
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,199
Year before, I'd been hobnobbing
with Stormzy and Rag'n'Bone Man.

378
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,160
Nice to see you again, by the way. I, uh--

379
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,520
[Jack and audience laughing]

380
00:16:42,599 --> 00:16:45,040
You blanked me earlier. I couldn't--
It was… great.

381
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,680
Anyway, no, I… [laughs]

382
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,479
So, yes, I was having an after-party
the year before with them.

383
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:53,800
This time round, I was in a hospital,
my girlfriend stricken to a bed

384
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,319
with tubes coming out of her arms,
and me in the waiting room,

385
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,760
genuinely worrying that I might never
see the love of my life again.

386
00:17:00,839 --> 00:17:02,120
-[audience] Aw.
-Thank you.

387
00:17:02,199 --> 00:17:05,200
No, at that point, we had no idea
when Harry would be back in the UK.

388
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,879
[audience laughing]

389
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,680
[Jack chuckling]

390
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:11,640
I gotta say, this diabetes diagnosis,
it was a real shock.

391
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,880
My girlfriend wouldn't
strike you as a diabetic.

392
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,880
So you can picture her in your mind's eye,

393
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,680
I will begrudgingly give you
this piece information about her.

394
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,599
Um, before she dated me,

395
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:25,800
she was linked to the actor, quite old,
you would've seen him in some stuff.

396
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,159
Uh, bit of a tree hugger.

397
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:28,600
Leonardo DiCaprio.

398
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:29,840
-Uh…
-[audience laughs]

399
00:17:29,919 --> 00:17:31,600
Yeah. Leonardo Di-fucking-Caprio.

400
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:35,560
That is a great act to have to follow.
Do you know how depressing that is?

401
00:17:36,159 --> 00:17:39,480
Mainly depressing knowing that the only
reason your girlfriend is with you

402
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,440
is because she turned 26.

403
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:42,800
[audience laughing]

404
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:43,880
"Ticktock, off you pop."

405
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,440
"Ooh, come here.
This Jack will never let go."

406
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,120
-I, uh… [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

407
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:54,520
I mean, also depressing 'cause I'll never
be able to watch his films ever again.

408
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:55,880
I used to love his movies.

409
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,520
I can't watch them now.
All I can think about is them.

410
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,840
Yeah. The Departed, Gangs of New York.

411
00:18:00,919 --> 00:18:03,760
Who am I kidding? Titanic.
I can't watch Titanic anymore.

412
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,040
It gets to the end,
and I'm cheering on the iceberg.

413
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:08,520
I'm like, "Go on, Rose!
Dunk him! Dunk him!"

414
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,040
[audience laughing]

415
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,960
And obviously, I know it's worse for her,
you know?

416
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,880
She's had to trade in
the Wolf of Wall Street

417
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,600
for the Labradoodle of London.

418
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,080
[audience laughing]

419
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:26,399
She has been amazing though
with her diabetes diagnosis. Honestly.

420
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,320
She's really tried to own it,
my girlfriend.

421
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:31,280
She tries to talk about it a lot,
educate people, raise awareness.

422
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:34,440
She does these tutorials on her Instagram,
which are great.

423
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,240
She only fucked up once, right,
and it was big fuck-up.

424
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,440
She was doing a tutorial
about insulin injections,

425
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,159
on Instagram, in the public domain,

426
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:46,760
that ended with my girlfriend
using the phrase,

427
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,919
"At the end of the day,
it's just a tiny prick."

428
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:50,960
[audience laughs]

429
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,640
"And I'm so used to it now,

430
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,679
I can barely feel it go in."

431
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,080
[audience laughing]

432
00:18:57,159 --> 00:18:59,480
I know those are the exact words
that she used,

433
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:04,520
'cause that ten-second clip ended up
in every single one of my group chats,

434
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,399
including the family WhatsApp group.

435
00:19:07,919 --> 00:19:11,679
It's how I discovered my dad knows
how to use both the magnifying glass

436
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:13,399
and the aubergine emoji.

437
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,520
[audience laughing]

438
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,240
[scattered applause]

439
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,080
Ha-fucking-ha.

440
00:19:24,159 --> 00:19:25,640
[audience laughing]

441
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,360
That is the main department in which
it affects your relationship, diabetes.

442
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,760
It means your pancreas
doesn't produce enough insulin,

443
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,640
so you have to very carefully monitor
your blood sugar levels.

444
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:38,120
And if you do any strenuous exercise,
they can dip very dangerously low.

445
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,520
Now what that translates to in real life

446
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:45,480
is that I can now tell exactly
how good of a performance I've put in

447
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,120
in the bedroom

448
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,960
by what my girlfriend
is having to snack on afterwards.

449
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,520
-[audience laughs]
-[Jack chuckles]

450
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,440
If I roll over after sex

451
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,399
and she's tucking in
to an entire novelty Toblerone,

452
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,200
I'm like, "Well played.
Bravo, Jack. Nice work."

453
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,240
[audience laughs]

454
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,720
If I roll over and she's popping in
a single Skittle,

455
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,200
I'm like,
"Okay, could try harder next time."

456
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,960
[audience laughing]

457
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,800
She puts up with so much, bless her.

458
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,240
I asked her,
"We've been going out for three years."

459
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,720
"You can tell me honestly,
like, when we first started dating,

460
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,760
were there any red flags?"

461
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,200
She went, "Honestly,
there weren't any red flags."

462
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,800
I was like,
"Oh my God, that's so cute." [chuckles]

463
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,560
She went, "There were
quite a lot of rainbow flags."

464
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,880
[audience laughing]

465
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:33,120
I was like, "Oh my God."

466
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:37,000
I nearly spilled my mimosa.
I couldn't believe it.

467
00:20:37,679 --> 00:20:39,960
"You have just ruined
this bottomless brunch."

468
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,840
[audience laughing]

469
00:20:41,919 --> 00:20:44,919
To be fair, I do get that quite a lot.
Maybe in America--

470
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,480
When I was living in America last year,
the amount of times Americans would say,

471
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:52,480
[American accent] "Jack, we couldn't
work out whether you were British or gay."

472
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:53,919
[audience laughing]

473
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,320
I know. I was like, just 'cause
I hold out a little pinky finger

474
00:20:57,399 --> 00:20:59,679
whilst I'm sucking a cock? I…

475
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,480
[audience laughing]

476
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:07,080
Another thing I've realized
is we have completely different tastes.

477
00:21:07,159 --> 00:21:09,120
Which I don't think is unhealthy
in a relationship.

478
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,000
Some people think that's true love,

479
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,399
when you love all the same things
and finish off each other's sentences.

480
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,600
Is it? Fuck.

481
00:21:15,679 --> 00:21:16,840
[audience laughs]

482
00:21:16,919 --> 00:21:18,240
True love is when you love them

483
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,240
in spite of detesting
everything they're passionate about.

484
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:22,760
[audience laughing]

485
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,440
We can't agree on anything.
A comedian, television shows. Oh my God.

486
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,800
My girlfriend loves that show
where they follow the dating lives

487
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,560
of people with learning difficulties.

488
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,159
Love Island. Love Island.

489
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,240
[audience laughing]

490
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,840
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[Jack laughs]

491
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:45,399
The other shows my missus loves.
Other ladies will be into these as well.

492
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,640
She mainly likes watching them
very late at night.

493
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,919
Normally, if we're in bed,
having a little cuddle, a little spoon.

494
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,560
"Ooh, what shall we put on Netflix
as we doze off in each other's arms?"

495
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,640
"Ooh, what about this?
The Connecticut Cannibal."

496
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:01,520
What is it with you ladies
watching true crime

497
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,640
right before you go to bed?

498
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:07,480
And then having the temerity to wake up
the following morning and be like,

499
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:11,720
"Oh my God,
I had such bad nightmares last night."

500
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,200
I wonder why!

501
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:16,600
You literally fell asleep
to a documentary about a serial killer

502
00:22:16,679 --> 00:22:19,120
that targets specifically diabetic women.

503
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,560
[audience laughing]

504
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,679
I can't watch anything with my missus
because of the questions.

505
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:28,280
I've never experienced anything like it
in my entire life.

506
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:32,679
There are 110-year-old women
in severe cognitive decline

507
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:35,120
that would ask less questions
than my girlfriend

508
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,040
when watching a television show.

509
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,880
She needs a "previously on…"
at the beginning of every scene.

510
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:44,880
She's like, "Who's he?
Wait, sorry, what's his name again?"

511
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,240
"Is he a goodie or a baddie?
Why has he just said that to him?"

512
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:51,280
[yells] "Why don't we listen
and maybe we'll find out?"

513
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,480
"That's how a scene works!"

514
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:57,080
"At the beginning of it, there will be
some things that we don't know."

515
00:22:57,159 --> 00:23:00,439
"And by the end of it,
we will have learned some more things."

516
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:03,480
"These are the basic principles
of storytelling."

517
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:07,360
"But we won't learn anything if we're
talking over all of the dialogue."

518
00:23:07,439 --> 00:23:11,960
"So how about from now on we ask all
of our questions with our inside voices?"

519
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,399
[audience laughing]

520
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,560
"Oh my God,
you are so passive-aggressive."

521
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,720
"I was just trying to understand."

522
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,960
"If you don't want me to,
I'll sit here in silence."

523
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,520
"I'll just sit here confused
if that's what you want."

524
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:27,320
Then ten seconds of respite. Ten seconds
of silence will befall the room.

525
00:23:27,399 --> 00:23:30,360
I'll be like, "Oh my God, I think
we finally made the breakthrough."

526
00:23:30,439 --> 00:23:33,840
Then the next scene starts,
and boom, on cue, it's up again.

527
00:23:33,919 --> 00:23:37,520
"Who's she? What's her name again?
Is she a goodie or a baddie?"

528
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,560
"She is the protagonist,
and her name is Peppa Pig!"

529
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,360
[audience laughing]

530
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,800
I know, I shouldn't be
throwing her under the bus.

531
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,200
I should be standing up for her.
That is my duty as her man.

532
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,080
To be honest, that is the only time
I struggle in our relationship,

533
00:23:53,159 --> 00:23:55,120
is when I'm required to be the alpha.

534
00:23:55,919 --> 00:23:57,399
Fuck you. What was that?

535
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:58,560
[audience laughs]

536
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,720
Just one woman involuntary guffawing

537
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,399
at the mere notion
of me being an alpha male.

538
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:04,640
I can pull off alpha.

539
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,760
Admittedly, this pose
is not helping me right now. [laughs]

540
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,000
[audience laughing]

541
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:10,640
I look like a wounded pigeon.

542
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,560
[audience laughing]

543
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:14,600
[Jack chuckles]

544
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:19,000
No. But I'm held to this ridiculously
high standard, that's the problem,

545
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,480
because the guy
that she was seeing just before me

546
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,760
was like a proper man's man, right?

547
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:28,240
He was from the north of England.
He drank beer. He played rugby league.

548
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,560
He used to get into fights.
Yeah. Often on her behalf.

549
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,280
If someone disrespected her,
he would knock them out.

550
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,480
I said to her,
"Now you're going out with me, love."

551
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:41,040
"If someone disrespects you, you're gonna
have to learn to take it on the chin."

552
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:43,720
[audience laughing]

553
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,640
I'm cut from a very different cloth.

554
00:24:46,159 --> 00:24:48,120
But now, anyone that so much
as looks at her funny,

555
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,280
I'm expected to start a brouhaha,

556
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:54,080
which, yes, is not my style,
as you may have guessed

557
00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:56,679
from the fact that
I use words like "brouhaha."

558
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,520
[audience laughing]

559
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,280
But also, ultimately, I'm a coward, okay?

560
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:02,399
And as a coward,

561
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,760
I can metabolize disrespect
very efficiently.

562
00:25:06,439 --> 00:25:08,159
She really struggles.

563
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,880
We had one situation. I was doing shows
in Austin, Texas, in the States,

564
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:15,199
and, uh, we went out after the show
to a sort of nightclub bar.

565
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,199
And we're in line for this nightclub.

566
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,360
At the front of the line,
there is a bouncer.

567
00:25:19,439 --> 00:25:21,199
And he was an absolute unit.

568
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,280
He looked like an Aberdeen Angus
in a suit.

569
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:24,199
[audience laughs]

570
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,640
He was a bit rude to my girlfriend,
but what do you expect? He's a bouncer.

571
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,840
He has not been employed for his bonhomie.

572
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:32,159
Anyway, she is instantly on at me.

573
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,640
"Oh my God. Did you hear that?
He just disrespected me."

574
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,560
"He has just disrespected
your girl, Jack."

575
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:42,240
"You gonna let that happen? Gonna let him
disrespect your girl like that?"

576
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,919
"Are you just gonna stand there, Jack,
and do nothing about it?"

577
00:25:46,679 --> 00:25:47,520
"Yep."

578
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,080
[audience laughing]

579
00:25:49,159 --> 00:25:51,439
"Have you seen the head on the fucker?"

580
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:54,480
"I couldn't inflict any pain
upon this man."

581
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,840
"At a push,
I could maybe hurt his feelings."

582
00:25:57,919 --> 00:26:00,000
"But that is all I have in my locker."

583
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,520
"I am but a humble wordsmith, Roxy."

584
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,800
"And whilst I am a firm believer
of the idiom

585
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,040
'The pen is mightier than the sword,'

586
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:08,640
we're in America right now,

587
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,720
and these cunts have guns."

588
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,040
[audience laughing]

589
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:14,040
[Jack chuckles]

590
00:26:15,199 --> 00:26:17,199
-[audience applauding]
-It's true.

591
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,919
[audience cheering and applauding]

592
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,120
She was having none of it.

593
00:26:22,199 --> 00:26:25,159
All night, she kept going,
"Can't believe you let him dishonor me."

594
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,320
That was the word
she kept using, "dishonor."

595
00:26:27,399 --> 00:26:30,080
"Yes, I let him dishonor you
because we were in line for a nightclub,

596
00:26:30,159 --> 00:26:31,720
not medieval France."

597
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,000
[audience laughing]

598
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,080
Maybe that's what I need to do
next time it happens.

599
00:26:35,159 --> 00:26:37,120
Next time that a bouncer "dishonors" her,

600
00:26:37,199 --> 00:26:39,880
I just need to go full costume drama
on his arse.

601
00:26:40,399 --> 00:26:42,960
Right. Next time a bouncer
is rude to her, okay,

602
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:46,679
I am gonna stride up to the front
of the line at Wetherspoon's. Huh?

603
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:47,880
[audience laughing]

604
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:49,880
I'll whip off one of my socks,

605
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,080
slap him across the face,

606
00:26:52,159 --> 00:26:54,199
"I demand satisfaction!"

607
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:58,120
"You have besmirched the honor
of this fine young maiden."

608
00:26:58,199 --> 00:27:02,399
"Well, today is the day you will be forced
to masticate upon your rancorous slurs,

609
00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,399
you protein-guzzling,
sausage-fingered chode!"

610
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:09,320
"I summon you to the car park
immediately for fisticuffs!"

611
00:27:09,399 --> 00:27:12,320
"It's time to meet
your dancing partners for this evening,

612
00:27:12,399 --> 00:27:15,520
Lord Left-Hook and Lady Lights-Out."

613
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,720
"I float like a butterfly,
I sting like a bee."

614
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:22,439
"And I've got hips like Shakira,
'cause I regularly ski."

615
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,320
[audience laughing]

616
00:27:24,399 --> 00:27:28,960
[audience cheering and applauding]

617
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,040
[Jack chuckles]

618
00:27:31,199 --> 00:27:33,520
You see, this is my problem.
I'm not a violent guy,

619
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,280
but put a couple of drinks in me,
I just love me a little bit of mischief.

620
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,080
Like, the other one I did,
I'm not proud of this.

621
00:27:40,159 --> 00:27:42,640
This was a couple of years ago
in my misspent youth.

622
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,840
I was in Ibiza, the party island,
having a rave in one of the clubs, and…

623
00:27:46,919 --> 00:27:50,080
Yeah, let's just say
some drink had been taken. [chuckles]

624
00:27:50,159 --> 00:27:52,040
And possibly some additionals. [chuckles]

625
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:53,000
[audience laughs]

626
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,280
I was in Ibiza,
my jaw was on the mainland. Like…

627
00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:58,080
[Jack and audience laughing]

628
00:27:58,159 --> 00:27:59,480
Anyway, in this state,

629
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,800
one of my friends dared me

630
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:06,120
to undo a stranger's man bun.

631
00:28:06,199 --> 00:28:07,720
[surprised laughter]

632
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:09,880
I was like, "Oh my God,

633
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,720
that is a marvelous idea!"

634
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,000
[audience laughs]

635
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:18,399
"I shall be like a vigilante,
making the world a better place,

636
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,159
ridding it of bell ends,
one man bun at a time."

637
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:23,120
[audience laughing]

638
00:28:23,199 --> 00:28:26,080
I found my prey, right?
He was, like, a proper lad.

639
00:28:26,159 --> 00:28:30,640
He had the sleeve tattoos. Spray-on jeans.
That little fanny-pack across his chest.

640
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,520
Top knot flapping around
like nobody's business.

641
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,280
He looked like
a 'roided-up My Little Pony.

642
00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:37,720
"Fuckin' 'ell."

643
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:39,080
[audience laughing]

644
00:28:39,159 --> 00:28:40,800
I stalked my prey for a bit. I was like,

645
00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:44,639
"Right. I reckon I can get
this man bun off without him realizing."

646
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:45,720
Spoiler alert,

647
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:46,959
you can't.

648
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:48,399
[audience laughing]

649
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:49,720
I creep up behind him.

650
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:52,240
And then I'm sort of drunkenly hovering
above his head,

651
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,399
like one of those claws in the fairground.

652
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:58,240
At which point, I'm not gonna lie,
I sobered up very quickly.

653
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,600
I managed to get hold of the man bun
without him realizing.

654
00:29:01,679 --> 00:29:04,600
Then as I popped it off,
he clocked what was going on.

655
00:29:04,679 --> 00:29:08,800
He turns around, furious,
hair tumbling down his face.

656
00:29:08,879 --> 00:29:11,679
He was like,
"Why the fuck did you do that?"

657
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:13,800
I said, "Because you're worth it."

658
00:29:13,879 --> 00:29:17,439
[audience laughing]

659
00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:23,040
I definitely delivered that last line
just like that. [chuckles]

660
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:24,800
There was a lot of music in the club,

661
00:29:24,879 --> 00:29:26,879
so he may have heard it
come out of my mouth as,

662
00:29:26,959 --> 00:29:29,159
[high-pitched] "I'm really sorry.
Here's your scrunchie."

663
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:31,080
[audience laughing]

664
00:29:31,159 --> 00:29:32,080
[Jack chuckles]

665
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:37,879
I feel like I may have fucked my hair
for the rest of this recording now.

666
00:29:37,959 --> 00:29:39,720
Oh God, no. Is that better?

667
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:40,679
[audience laughs]

668
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,840
Where was I? Oh, yes.
So, being silly. Foolish behavior.

669
00:29:43,919 --> 00:29:46,879
Honestly, what the fuck am I doing
showing off about that?

670
00:29:46,959 --> 00:29:51,240
That is not behavior becoming of a man
teetering on the precipice of middle age.

671
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:54,600
Honestly, this feels like the last show
I'll be able to get away with that.

672
00:29:54,679 --> 00:29:57,360
Showing off about lame drunken hijinks.

673
00:29:57,439 --> 00:29:59,639
Because also, as many of you are aware,

674
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:03,159
I am about to reach
the boss level of adulting,

675
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,919
because my girlfriend is now pregnant.

676
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:09,720
[audience cheering and applauding]

677
00:30:17,679 --> 00:30:18,720
It's not mine.

678
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:20,439
[audience laughing]

679
00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:22,399
Now, this… this is a lovely picture.

680
00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:23,679
Yeah, thank you.

681
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:26,639
It's cute. It's just a little candid snap
we took at home, you know?

682
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,040
Just, uh, for our family and friends
at Hello! magazine.

683
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:31,040
And we-- No.

684
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:32,000
[audience laughs]

685
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,240
That's the picture she wanted to use. Uh…

686
00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,240
I thought this was
a more accurate reflection

687
00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:38,040
of my state of mind at the time.

688
00:30:38,879 --> 00:30:40,520
-[audience laughing]
-[Jack chuckles]

689
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:44,120
Oh, come on. You'd look like that
if you'd just seen what I saw.

690
00:30:44,199 --> 00:30:46,639
Can you not see the likeness? Seriously?

691
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:49,840
[audience laughing]

692
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:56,080
No, it is my kid. That's the reality.

693
00:30:56,159 --> 00:30:58,480
And it's, it's, it's…
You know, it's happening.

694
00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:02,159
And it's crazy because, you know,
it's not like there's any trial period.

695
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:04,439
There's no returns policy.

696
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:07,639
You accidentally drop it in the bath,
you can't just put it in a jar of rice

697
00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:08,879
and cross your fingers.

698
00:31:08,959 --> 00:31:10,439
[audience laughing]

699
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:12,360
And obviously, I tried to seek out advice

700
00:31:12,439 --> 00:31:14,520
before making
this monumental life decision.

701
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:16,800
But so it's hard.
You can't ask other parents.

702
00:31:16,879 --> 00:31:19,959
You ask other parents about having a kid,
there is no middle ground.

703
00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:21,120
One end of the spectrum,

704
00:31:21,199 --> 00:31:24,399
you have those parents that talk about it
with demented enthusiasm.

705
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:26,080
The miracle of childbirth,

706
00:31:26,159 --> 00:31:28,679
like they're the only people
to have ever done it.

707
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:32,399
"Oh my God, you've got to get one.
It is gonna change your life."

708
00:31:32,919 --> 00:31:35,879
Like those fuckers with air fryers.
It's just a bit, "Okay."

709
00:31:35,959 --> 00:31:37,760
[audience laughing]

710
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:39,320
The other end of the spectrum

711
00:31:39,399 --> 00:31:43,399
you've got those parents
that are like Vietnam War veterans.

712
00:31:43,919 --> 00:31:46,320
Thousand-yard stare. Covered in baby sick.

713
00:31:46,399 --> 00:31:49,120
"Don't do it, man. You weren't there!"

714
00:31:49,199 --> 00:31:50,480
[audience laughing]

715
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,679
I had one of this lot, the 'Nam vets,
drunk at a wedding,

716
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:57,320
just launch into me
with a load of uninvited life advice.

717
00:31:57,399 --> 00:32:02,360
She was like, "Let me tell you
what you need to do, Jack, while you can."

718
00:32:02,439 --> 00:32:05,360
"You need to make the most of your life,

719
00:32:05,439 --> 00:32:08,080
'cause I tell you
what is gonna happen, right,

720
00:32:08,159 --> 00:32:12,560
is you're gonna get married,
and then you're gonna have a baby,

721
00:32:12,639 --> 00:32:16,679
and your life is gonna be over."

722
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:18,439
[audience laughing]

723
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,399
"Okay, Mum. Thanks for the pep talk."

724
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:23,360
[audience laughing]

725
00:32:23,439 --> 00:32:26,439
"You are aware this Sambuca
you're drinking is non-alcoholic?"

726
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:28,399
[audience laughing]

727
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,959
I managed to do what a lot of men do,
uh, in this situation.

728
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,159
Delaying it, all right.
I-I-I got a dog first.

729
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:37,199
That's what a lot of, uh, chaps do.

730
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:41,120
We had actually, quite sadly, been through
some personal tragedy at the time,

731
00:32:41,199 --> 00:32:43,280
and it felt like
the only option at that point

732
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:45,439
was either to go to therapy or get a dog.

733
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:47,040
I was like, "Tell me about therapy."

734
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,360
"Talking to a stranger for an hour
about my feelings?"

735
00:32:49,439 --> 00:32:51,159
"What breed shall we get?"

736
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:52,320
[audience laughs]

737
00:32:52,399 --> 00:32:54,879
So she wanted a dog for emotional support.

738
00:32:54,959 --> 00:32:56,480
I wanted a guard dog.

739
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:58,719
I wanted a proper hound.

740
00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:03,360
You know, the kind of dog you might see
tattooed onto the arm of a Millwall fan.

741
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,120
Kinda dog that gets you
a little bit of distance and respect

742
00:33:07,199 --> 00:33:09,080
when you're walking
down the street with it

743
00:33:09,159 --> 00:33:10,919
on the way to the fuckin' boozer

744
00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:14,159
to have a couple of lagers
with the boys. Yeah.

745
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:17,360
We compromised and got a toy poodle.

746
00:33:17,439 --> 00:33:19,520
[audience laughing]

747
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:23,399
I wanted a hound. This thing looks like
it came out of a Kinder Surprise.

748
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,679
It's the opposite of a guard dog.
I've been abused because of my dog.

749
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:30,120
I was in a pub in Walthamstow
with my mates.

750
00:33:30,199 --> 00:33:32,439
Old geezer at the bar
looks over at me and my dog.

751
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:35,719
He's like, "'Ere, mate,
does your dog come in a men's?"

752
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,959
Ooh, fucking shots fired!

753
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:41,560
I was like, "I wouldn't judge a book
by its cover, buddy."

754
00:33:41,639 --> 00:33:45,000
"You look at her the wrong way,
she will rip your throat out."

755
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:48,600
"You'd better pray
she doesn't get out of this handbag."

756
00:33:48,679 --> 00:33:51,480
[audience laughing]

757
00:33:52,679 --> 00:33:53,520
[chuckles]

758
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,560
We got the lamest breed. "It's fine.
We'll make up for it with the name."

759
00:33:57,639 --> 00:33:59,320
Know what she wanted
to call the toy poodle?

760
00:33:59,399 --> 00:34:01,959
My girlfriend
wanted to call our toy poodle

761
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:03,000
Beyoncé.

762
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:05,800
-[audience roaring with laughter]
-Absolutely not. No way.

763
00:34:05,879 --> 00:34:09,400
That's when the foot came down.
We're not having a dog called Beyoncé.

764
00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:12,480
I am not shouting that out in public.

765
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:14,600
Can you imagine me in a park,

766
00:34:14,679 --> 00:34:19,319
a little toy poodle yapping around,
me being like, "Beyoncé! Hey, Beyoncé!"

767
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,199
"You come back to your daddy!"

768
00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:24,480
No, I'm sorry.
I'd sooner let the dog just run away.

769
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:26,440
I don't care
what my girlfriend has to say.

770
00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:28,760
"Oh my God, Jack,
what happened to the dog?"

771
00:34:28,839 --> 00:34:31,239
"If you liked it,
you should've put a lead on it."

772
00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:33,319
[audience laughing]

773
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:35,280
[audience applauding]

774
00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:39,760
[audience cheering and applauding]

775
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:42,880
She keeps calling me its daddy as well.

776
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:44,719
I'm like, I'm not its daddy,
I'm its master.

777
00:34:44,799 --> 00:34:46,839
We will have standards in this house.

778
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:51,000
She's like, "No, you should treat the dog
just like you'd treat our actual child."

779
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,960
Straight on Google,
"Are there boarding schools for dogs?"

780
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:56,560
[audience laughing]

781
00:34:56,639 --> 00:34:58,520
I caught her calling it a rescue dog.

782
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,480
I was like, "It's not a rescue dog.
I paid a woman on the Internet for it."

783
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:05,280
She's like, "No, but the dog rescued me."
That's not what rescue dog means.

784
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:06,280
[audience laughs]

785
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:10,560
This woman, the breeder.
Oh my God, she saw us coming a mile off.

786
00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:12,000
It was a lockdown dog.

787
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:14,560
Do you know what she wanted
for the toy poodle?

788
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:17,400
Five thousand pounds.

789
00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:20,839
I was like,
"Nice to meet a fellow comedian."

790
00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:22,160
[audience laughs]

791
00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:25,640
Absolutely no way
am I forking that out for a dog.

792
00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:28,920
You are getting negotiated down,
don't you worry about that.

793
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:30,440
We had to meet the dog first.

794
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:32,200
I'd been warned, don't do it in person,

795
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:34,640
'cause you hold the dog,
feel the dog, smell the dog,

796
00:35:34,720 --> 00:35:37,640
you fall in love, you're fucked.
You hand the money over on the spot.

797
00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:39,799
I said, "We'll do a Zoom."

798
00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,799
Yes. Keep a little bit of distance.

799
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,760
So we arranged a Zoom
so that Roxy could see the dog,

800
00:35:45,839 --> 00:35:47,400
and the woman that wanted five grand

801
00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:49,720
could see that
I don't have the word "twat" there.

802
00:35:49,799 --> 00:35:51,560
[audience laughing]

803
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:53,200
And I prepped Roxy for this Zoom.

804
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,799
I said, "It's vitally important
when we get onto Zoom with this charlatan,

805
00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:58,040
you don't act too keen."

806
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:02,400
"Because if you act too keen, you will
compromise my negotiating position."

807
00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:06,760
"So we must wear our poker faces.
Cool, calm, collected."

808
00:36:06,839 --> 00:36:08,920
"Those are our bywords."

809
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,400
The Zoom starts, the breeder holds
this little puppy up to the camera.

810
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,280
The puppy, achoo, sneezes.

811
00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:16,680
My girlfriend instantly starts crying.

812
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:18,000
"Oh my God!"

813
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:21,200
"It's the most beautiful creature
I've ever seen!"

814
00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:22,960
"I'm in love!"

815
00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:27,480
"Oh my God, Jack,
I'll kill myself if I can't have her!"

816
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:29,160
[audience laughing]

817
00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:31,640
"Well done. Just as we'd rehearsed."

818
00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:35,000
"Thanks very much, Roxy,
for pulling down my trousers,

819
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:38,520
lubing me up, and bending me
over the barrel for this woman."

820
00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:39,480
[audience laughs]

821
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:41,319
Six thousand pounds.

822
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:45,839
I paid six grand
for a barking toilet brush.

823
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,480
[audience laughing]

824
00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:51,240
And a faulty one as well.
Yeah. I got sold a faulty dog.

825
00:36:51,319 --> 00:36:54,040
It's a beautiful creature,
don't get me wrong, but it is faulty.

826
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:57,960
The breeder dropped it round a week later.
She's outside my house in her new Porsche.

827
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,000
"Hi!" "Fuck you."

828
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:01,040
[audience laughing]

829
00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:02,760
Hands me this dog, and it's faulty.

830
00:37:02,839 --> 00:37:06,000
It's got an underbite.
It's got breathing issues.

831
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:07,640
Hasn't got enough nipples.

832
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:09,480
[chuckles]

833
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,080
Admittedly, "Hasn't got enough nipples"

834
00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:13,280
makes it sound like
there was a number I was hoping for.

835
00:37:13,359 --> 00:37:16,000
I don't care how many nipples a dog has,

836
00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:18,040
I just know
there shouldn't be seven of them.

837
00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:20,240
There should not be a prime number.

838
00:37:20,319 --> 00:37:23,400
There should be a divisible
amount of nipples on a dog.

839
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:26,080
I was like, "Roxy, take a photograph
of this animal's undercarriage,

840
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,200
send it to the breeder."

841
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:28,600
"I want some money back."

842
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,160
She was like, "Why would we get money back
for a missing nipple?"

843
00:37:31,240 --> 00:37:33,280
"I don't care. Make up a reason."

844
00:37:33,359 --> 00:37:37,120
"Say it's why we bought the dog
in the first place, for milking purposes."

845
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,520
"We're trying
to wean ourselves off oat milk

846
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:43,000
and we weren't getting enough of a yield
from the hamster. I don't care!"

847
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:44,880
[audience laughing]

848
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,799
'Cause I can't do anything either.
It's completely feral.

849
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:50,440
For six grand, I was expecting it
to be able to do cartwheels

850
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:52,240
and make me breakfast in bed.

851
00:37:52,319 --> 00:37:54,560
It can't sit or fetch or stay.

852
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:57,000
Got its own Instagram account, though.

853
00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:01,200
She thought that was a priority,
to set it up as a dog influencer.

854
00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:04,280
Now my girlfriend runs
this preposterous account as the dog.

855
00:38:04,359 --> 00:38:08,040
She posts pictures as the dog.
She sends me messages as the dog.

856
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:11,240
Yeah. Sometimes that's quite sweet,
sometimes less so.

857
00:38:11,319 --> 00:38:15,080
Especially when the tone of the messages
you are receiving from your own dog

858
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:16,400
are a little bit spicy.

859
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:17,480
[audience laughs]

860
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:18,960
As was the case the other night.

861
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,080
I was in the pub with my friends
watching football.

862
00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:25,520
All of a sudden, my DMs are getting lit up
by an angry poodle.

863
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:28,680
"Do you think it's acceptable
to go out drinking

864
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:30,720
and not tell me
what time you're coming home?"

865
00:38:30,799 --> 00:38:32,000
"Ooh, I don't know, Beyoncé."

866
00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:34,480
"No less acceptable
than shitting on the carpet."

867
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:35,520
[audience laughing]

868
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:37,400
I had to turn to my mates and be like,

869
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,359
"I'm really sorry.
I think I have to go home

870
00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:41,600
because I'm getting grief from Beyoncé."

871
00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:43,080
I feel like Jay-Z,

872
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:46,600
except I've got 99 problems
and my bitch very much is one of them.

873
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:48,960
[audience laughing and applauding]

874
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:53,640
[audience cheering and applauding]

875
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:58,760
I got a kinky message from the dog
the other day as well by the way.

876
00:38:58,839 --> 00:39:00,960
By accident, I should hasten to add.

877
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:04,799
What happened is I posted a picture
on my Instagram of me with my shirt off.

878
00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:06,960
My girlfriend went to put a sexy comment.

879
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:10,560
Unfortunately, she had forgotten
to switch accounts. Yeah.

880
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:11,920
Open up my Instagram,

881
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:15,720
and underneath this picture of me
with my kit off, my dog had just put,

882
00:39:15,799 --> 00:39:17,440
"I wanna sit on your face."

883
00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:20,400
[audience laughing]

884
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:23,440
[chuckles] Don't get me wrong.

885
00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:26,400
Part of me was like,
"Thank fuck someone's taught you to sit."

886
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:28,960
[audience laughing]

887
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:33,120
It does work, though,
this step of getting the dog first.

888
00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:36,040
Honestly. I was not a dog person at all,
and now I love this thing.

889
00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:38,839
And I'm like, "Bloody hell.
If I'm capable of loving and caring

890
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:42,520
for this yapping, crapping,
nipple-deficient ball of fluff,

891
00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:44,760
maybe I am ready for the next stage."

892
00:39:44,839 --> 00:39:47,640
So, yeah, then we decided
we were gonna try and have a baby.

893
00:39:47,720 --> 00:39:51,240
That was not the easiest of journeys.
We had a few bumps along the way.

894
00:39:51,319 --> 00:39:54,640
I, uh… I don't want to give you
the Instagram-filtered version of my life.

895
00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:56,200
We actually lost a baby first.

896
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:57,560
We suffered a miscarriage,

897
00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:00,080
which is a horrible thing
for anyone to go through.

898
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:04,520
I mention it because it's this weird grief
that is sort of shrouded in secrecy.

899
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:05,839
I didn't talk about it for ages.

900
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,600
As soon as I was comfortable
sharing it with friends and family

901
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,480
and realizing that other people
had had similar experiences,

902
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:12,960
it was a huge comfort to me.

903
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:16,720
And my girlfriend was so strong
throughout all of it.

904
00:40:16,799 --> 00:40:19,920
I'm completely in awe of her.
See, she was so resilient.

905
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:23,799
She was amazing,
and it completely recalibrated my mindset.

906
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:28,880
I went from being scared, bewildered,
ambivalent about the idea of having a kid,

907
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:32,520
to suddenly wanting to be a dad
more than anything else in the world.

908
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:37,080
[audience cheering and applauding]

909
00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:38,120
Thank you.

910
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:47,839
I felt guilty as well. I felt guilty
that it had taken me this long

911
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:51,720
to arrive at a place where I genuinely
feel excited to be settling down.

912
00:40:51,799 --> 00:40:53,400
I dragged my heels.

913
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:57,359
The latter part of my twenties was
a period of sort of feckless misadventure.

914
00:40:57,440 --> 00:40:58,880
I was chasing pleasure.

915
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,920
And in my thirties,
it was like happiness crept up on me.

916
00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:04,280
I was also really keen
to get on with it now,

917
00:41:04,359 --> 00:41:05,760
especially with my dad.

918
00:41:05,839 --> 00:41:07,520
I really wanted to get on with it

919
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:10,280
so that I could still
give him a grandchild

920
00:41:10,359 --> 00:41:12,240
out of wedlock, just to fuck him off.

921
00:41:12,319 --> 00:41:15,040
[audience laughing and applauding]

922
00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:17,760
I know that's not the only reason
to have a kid,

923
00:41:17,839 --> 00:41:20,400
but it's got to be a bonus
to wind up the old man.

924
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:24,319
Also, even better,
Roxy is from the East End of London.

925
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:26,280
How incredible is that?

926
00:41:26,359 --> 00:41:28,720
Michael Whitehall
is gonna be the grandfather

927
00:41:28,799 --> 00:41:30,520
to a literal Cockney bastard.

928
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:33,359
[audience laughing]

929
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:37,920
Got the due date the other day.
That was weird.

930
00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:41,720
We went in and had the first scan,
and I saw baby for the first time.

931
00:41:41,799 --> 00:41:45,200
Eyes and nose, its heartbeat,
the little silver spoon in its mouth.

932
00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:46,839
[audience laughing]

933
00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:49,280
I asked about the due date,
and the nurse got all shifty.

934
00:41:49,359 --> 00:41:52,080
She was like, "Yes, so baby's due date
is gonna be sometime

935
00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:54,040
between the 10th of September

936
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:56,000
and the 12th of September."

937
00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:59,760
I went, "It feels like there's a date
slap bang in the middle there

938
00:41:59,839 --> 00:42:01,760
that for some reason
you don't want to say."

939
00:42:01,839 --> 00:42:04,920
That is because
my baby's due date is 9/11.

940
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:07,040
[audience laughing]

941
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:09,839
Roxy was very upset about that.
I was a little bit more pragmatic.

942
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:13,040
I was like, "I don't think it's going
to affect our lives in any serious way."

943
00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:16,359
I mean, it probably rules out
the name Osama, but…

944
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:19,200
-[audience laughing]
-…it wasn't high on the list.

945
00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:22,440
"This is little Osama bin Whitehall.
It's a family name."

946
00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:24,960
[audience laughing]

947
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:28,080
If you're pulling back from me
on that comment,

948
00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:31,240
you do not want to hear
what my dad said when I told him.

949
00:42:31,319 --> 00:42:34,600
I came out of the scan.
Roxy was still quite distressed.

950
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:38,040
I called my dad up, I said,
"Right, there's good news and bad news."

951
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:39,960
"Uh, good news, the baby's healthy."

952
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:42,720
"Bad news, it does look like
the due date is 9/11."

953
00:42:42,799 --> 00:42:45,440
And he went,
"Well, I guess it could be worse."

954
00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:47,200
"You could be having twins."

955
00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:49,600
-[audience] Oh!
-No. No.

956
00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:51,359
[surprised laughter]

957
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:53,799
[audience applauding]

958
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:57,319
"No, Michael, please."

959
00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:59,680
"I will not be telling Roxy that."

960
00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:03,319
"Though I may write it down
to tell people on a Netflix special

961
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:04,880
at some point in the future."

962
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:05,960
[audience laughs]

963
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:09,400
At the moment, most of my life

964
00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:12,600
is spent killing
inappropriate name suggestions of hers.

965
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:17,600
The other day, she came into the bedroom.
"I was thinking, if it's a girl, Phoenix."

966
00:43:17,680 --> 00:43:19,560
I was thinking, "No fucking way."

967
00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:20,480
[audience laughs]

968
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:22,520
She's like, "Why? Phoenix is a cute name."

969
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,560
I was like, "Phoenix is a stripper name."

970
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:26,120
She went, "How would you know?"

971
00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:27,960
"Dunno. Never been
to a strip club in my life,

972
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:31,200
but I imagine that's the kind of name
a stripper might be called."

973
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:33,520
"Maybe we should do some due diligence.
Google it."

974
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:37,040
She was like, "Google what?"
"Type in, 'Top ten stripper names.'"

975
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:38,560
So we had this weird moment.

976
00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:39,920
We're there with the baby books,

977
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:42,680
and I'm on Google
typing in the top ten stripper names.

978
00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:45,319
Know what? There is a website
with the top ten stripper names,

979
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:47,359
and to be fair to her,
Phoenix is not on it.

980
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:49,560
But do you know what number one is?

981
00:43:49,640 --> 00:43:50,839
Roxy.

982
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:54,440
[audience roaring with laughter]

983
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:56,520
[Jack laughing]

984
00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:00,560
We could keep
with the family tradition. [chuckles]

985
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:02,280
[audience laughing]

986
00:44:02,359 --> 00:44:04,960
We had six months
before we started trying for a baby

987
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:06,680
to get everything out of our system.

988
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:10,040
I wanna do all the fun,
impromptu, sort of reckless things

989
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:12,240
that we're not gonna be able to do
once we've got a kid.

990
00:44:12,319 --> 00:44:16,760
She was like, "Yes!
Like drive Route 66 or go on a safari."

991
00:44:16,839 --> 00:44:19,280
I was thinking more like
smoke crystal meth just once,

992
00:44:19,359 --> 00:44:21,839
just to see what all the fuss is about.

993
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:23,520
Heard it's very moreish. I, uh…

994
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:24,480
[audience laughs]

995
00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:27,920
I gave in on the safari. She's been
dreaming of doing one for yonks.

996
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:31,040
I could think of nothing worse,
'cause as we've already established,

997
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:32,280
I am a massive pussy.

998
00:44:32,359 --> 00:44:33,520
-And…
-[audience laughs]

999
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:36,200
I said, "We'll do it,
but on my terms, all right?"

1000
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:39,160
I'm having to fork out
for the top-of-the-range safari.

1001
00:44:39,240 --> 00:44:42,359
There are certain things in life
I will penny-pinch on. That is not one.

1002
00:44:42,440 --> 00:44:46,839
If I'm on their turf, I'm gonna need
the state-of-the-art armored 4x4.

1003
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:50,000
I'm gonna need the park ranger
that looks like The Rock.

1004
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:52,280
'Cause you can do it on the cheap.

1005
00:44:52,359 --> 00:44:55,120
"Oh look, that guy over there
is offering it for half price."

1006
00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:57,120
"You mean that man with the rickshaw

1007
00:44:57,200 --> 00:45:00,319
and the left leg
that somewhat peters out at the knee?"

1008
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:02,319
"Yeah, he's offering it for half-price

1009
00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:05,200
'cause he only has to take you
into the Serengeti."

1010
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:08,319
"That is not a safari.
That is Deliveroo for lions."

1011
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:11,319
[audience laughing]

1012
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,799
You're not given anything
to defend yourself. That was a shock.

1013
00:45:13,879 --> 00:45:15,080
Thought I'd get a knife or gun.

1014
00:45:15,160 --> 00:45:18,600
The only thing they gave me
to defend myself from lions,

1015
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:22,200
on morning one,
they handed me an air horn.

1016
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:24,440
A little pump-up air horn.

1017
00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:26,720
I was like,
"What the fuck is this gonna do?"

1018
00:45:26,799 --> 00:45:29,319
-[audience laughing]
-"I'm getting mauled to death by a lion,

1019
00:45:29,400 --> 00:45:33,520
I'm meant to whip out my air horn,
give that a little toot-toot, then what?"

1020
00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:35,960
"Presumably alert other lions
in the area?"

1021
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:38,120
"Dinner's about to be served!"

1022
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:41,520
All of the advice they give you,
complete bollocks.

1023
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:44,400
'Cause I wanted to know about
every single eventuality.

1024
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:47,680
I said, "Right, what do I do
if an elephant charges me?"

1025
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:50,520
Do you know what they said?
"If an elephant charges you,

1026
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,000
you should run up a tree."

1027
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:54,440
[audience laughs]

1028
00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:56,960
"I'm not a fucking squirrel."

1029
00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:58,280
[audience laughs]

1030
00:45:58,359 --> 00:46:01,760
"I could maybe climb a tree
if you gave me 20 minutes, a leg-up,

1031
00:46:01,839 --> 00:46:04,480
and an elephant charging me with a limp."

1032
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:06,720
"But I'm not climbing these trees
any time soon,

1033
00:46:06,799 --> 00:46:09,640
because I don't know if you've noticed,
none of them have got any branches

1034
00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:12,000
because the elephants
have fucking eaten them all!"

1035
00:46:12,080 --> 00:46:13,960
[audience laughing]

1036
00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:17,160
You don't pick who you're in the car with.
They leave that out of the brochure.

1037
00:46:17,240 --> 00:46:19,960
Yeah. That is a big issue.
Two of us on our safari.

1038
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:22,920
The vehicle had six seats.
You do the math.

1039
00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:25,120
That meant,
for the duration of our safari,

1040
00:46:25,200 --> 00:46:27,799
as it turned out,
we were to be sharing our car

1041
00:46:27,879 --> 00:46:29,920
with a family of four

1042
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:31,640
from Florida.

1043
00:46:31,720 --> 00:46:33,600
[hesitant laughter]

1044
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:35,319
My reaction exactly.

1045
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:36,520
[audience laughs]

1046
00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:40,680
Now these Floridians…? What's the word
they have for people from Florida?

1047
00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:42,600
Bigots. These bigots. They, uh…

1048
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,520
[audience laughing]

1049
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:46,240
I need to describe their appearance.

1050
00:46:46,319 --> 00:46:49,040
It's important that I do.
I'm not saying this to be crass,

1051
00:46:49,120 --> 00:46:52,640
but they did have rather an abundance
of junk in the proverbial trunk.

1052
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:55,400
I'm not saying that to have a pop.
You do you.

1053
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:57,760
Big is beautiful. Body positivity.

1054
00:46:57,839 --> 00:47:01,200
I do not have prejudice against anyone
for their size.

1055
00:47:02,799 --> 00:47:03,839
Unless

1056
00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:06,799
I am stuck in a car with you

1057
00:47:06,879 --> 00:47:09,760
surrounded by hungry lions.

1058
00:47:09,839 --> 00:47:10,720
[audience laughs]

1059
00:47:10,799 --> 00:47:14,120
At that point, yep,
I become a little bit judgy.

1060
00:47:14,200 --> 00:47:16,600
It turned what should've been
a pleasant holiday

1061
00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:18,160
into a white-knuckle ride.

1062
00:47:18,240 --> 00:47:21,359
Every day, trundling around the Serengeti

1063
00:47:21,440 --> 00:47:25,359
sat next to a man that was essentially
a doner kebab in a MAGA cap.

1064
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:26,440
[audience laughs]

1065
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:28,240
Every time I went past a lion,

1066
00:47:28,319 --> 00:47:31,080
I'd see its head crane round,
licking its lips.

1067
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,839
Eye-banging the all-you-can-eat buffet
on wheels.

1068
00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:36,240
I felt like sushi on a conveyor belt.

1069
00:47:37,040 --> 00:47:39,920
Roxy kept trying to put me at ease.
"Jack, don't worry."

1070
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:41,400
"If the lions did attack us,

1071
00:47:41,480 --> 00:47:44,280
they would probably fill up
on the Floridians first."

1072
00:47:44,359 --> 00:47:46,040
"They wouldn't have room for us."

1073
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:48,879
I was like,
"What if we're the amuse-bouche?"

1074
00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:51,960
"You've made the assumption
that we're pudding."

1075
00:47:52,040 --> 00:47:53,760
"You of all people should know

1076
00:47:53,839 --> 00:47:56,879
you do not contain enough sugar
to be a dessert!"

1077
00:47:56,960 --> 00:47:59,799
[audience laughing]

1078
00:47:59,879 --> 00:48:02,080
Morning two, I shit you not,

1079
00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:05,319
the Floridians' wife
came down for breakfast,

1080
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:07,440
of a safari,

1081
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:10,799
she was wearing a zebra-print shirt.

1082
00:48:10,879 --> 00:48:12,120
"Hi!"

1083
00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:14,720
I was like, "Absolutely not. No way."

1084
00:48:14,799 --> 00:48:16,040
"Try again. Shoo."

1085
00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:18,200
I had to air-horn her back into her tent

1086
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:21,280
to change into something more appropriate.

1087
00:48:21,359 --> 00:48:22,920
We were on a safari.

1088
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:24,839
She came dressed as prey.

1089
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:26,080
[audience laughing]

1090
00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:28,560
I was so worried
about attracting the animals,

1091
00:48:28,640 --> 00:48:31,839
I didn't even spray myself
with Lynx Africa that morning.

1092
00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:34,000
[audience laughing]

1093
00:48:34,879 --> 00:48:37,240
That was the other thing
I kept thinking on safari.

1094
00:48:37,319 --> 00:48:40,000
This is a bit of a distraction,
but every day, I was like,

1095
00:48:40,080 --> 00:48:43,120
"How on earth is the zebra not extinct?"

1096
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:46,200
What the fuck was God smoking
when he came up with them?

1097
00:48:46,879 --> 00:48:49,120
I know he did the world in seven days.

1098
00:48:49,200 --> 00:48:53,359
The zebra must've been done
at about 5:55 on the Friday afternoon.

1099
00:48:53,879 --> 00:48:55,480
"Right, we're down to Z."

1100
00:48:55,560 --> 00:48:59,160
"Let's crack through this one quickly,
and we can all fuck off down the pub."

1101
00:48:59,240 --> 00:49:04,120
"Zebra, you are gonna be like a fat,
slightly slower version of a horse,

1102
00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:07,480
and we'll put you over there in Africa

1103
00:49:07,560 --> 00:49:10,080
with all of the deadliest predators
on the planet."

1104
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:11,680
"Any questions?"

1105
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:13,760
"Uh, yeah, just a few." [chuckles]

1106
00:49:13,839 --> 00:49:17,160
"If I'm gonna be out there
with all of those mean motherfuckers,

1107
00:49:17,240 --> 00:49:20,319
then I'm probably
going to need to blend in."

1108
00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:23,480
"So could I have some camouflage?"

1109
00:49:24,240 --> 00:49:27,480
"Well, we were thinking
black and white stripes."

1110
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:30,319
"Very slimming."

1111
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:31,440
[audience laughs]

1112
00:49:31,520 --> 00:49:34,560
"Black and white stripes?
Have you seen the landscape here, mate?"

1113
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:36,080
"Everything's beige."

1114
00:49:36,160 --> 00:49:38,520
"I'm not working in a Foot Locker."

1115
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:39,960
[audience laughs]

1116
00:49:40,040 --> 00:49:41,879
"All the other animals,
if they wanna hide,

1117
00:49:41,960 --> 00:49:43,600
they go into a bush or up a tree."

1118
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:48,640
"My only chance of subterfuge
is getting tickets to Newcastle-Juventus."

1119
00:49:48,720 --> 00:49:49,839
[audience laughs]

1120
00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:52,440
"Fine. If I'm gonna be out there
dressed like a twat,

1121
00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:54,280
I need something to defend myself."

1122
00:49:54,359 --> 00:49:56,359
"A lot of the other prey,
all of them in fact,

1123
00:49:56,440 --> 00:49:57,799
have got big tusks

1124
00:49:57,879 --> 00:50:01,560
or vicious-looking horns,
antlers coming out of their heads."

1125
00:50:01,640 --> 00:50:03,319
"What were you thinking for me?"

1126
00:50:04,319 --> 00:50:05,280
"Mohican?"

1127
00:50:05,359 --> 00:50:07,280
[audience laughing]

1128
00:50:07,359 --> 00:50:11,160
"So no weapon, just a really loud haircut?
Thank you very much."

1129
00:50:11,240 --> 00:50:15,040
"That's me, is it? Stuck in the middle
of a primordial feeding frenzy,

1130
00:50:15,120 --> 00:50:17,520
looking like a lesbian barcode?"

1131
00:50:17,600 --> 00:50:19,600
[audience laughing]

1132
00:50:19,680 --> 00:50:22,640
[audience applauding]

1133
00:50:22,720 --> 00:50:25,319
Sorry, that was a bit of an aside.
I… [chuckles]

1134
00:50:25,399 --> 00:50:29,520
I'm not done with the Floridians yet.
The other issue was the levels of chat.

1135
00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:31,879
Every day, she'd be
waiting for me in the car.

1136
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:36,080
She was like, "So, what does everyone
wanna see most on this safari?"

1137
00:50:36,600 --> 00:50:39,000
Her husband was like,
"I'd like to see a tiger."

1138
00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:41,359
Good luck, mate.
You're on the wrong fucking continent.

1139
00:50:41,440 --> 00:50:44,160
[audience laughing]

1140
00:50:46,839 --> 00:50:49,839
Honestly, in the end, the only way
I could get through the week

1141
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:53,680
was by winding the Floridians up
that the lions were gay. [laughs]

1142
00:50:53,760 --> 00:50:54,920
[audience laughing]

1143
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:58,280
He did not like that chat at all. [laughs]

1144
00:50:58,359 --> 00:51:01,080
He was like, "What in the world
are you talking about, son?"

1145
00:51:01,160 --> 00:51:04,120
"I don't know what they're teaching you
in schools in 'Engerland,' buddy,

1146
00:51:04,200 --> 00:51:06,160
but that does not happen in nature."

1147
00:51:06,240 --> 00:51:09,399
"You do not get gay lions."

1148
00:51:09,480 --> 00:51:11,839
"Why do you think they call them prides?"

1149
00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:13,280
"Okay. Okay. Okay."

1150
00:51:13,359 --> 00:51:15,799
-[audience laughing]
-[Jack chuckles]

1151
00:51:17,120 --> 00:51:18,480
"It's not natural."

1152
00:51:18,560 --> 00:51:21,359
That's what they say,
right-wing fundamentalist Christians.

1153
00:51:21,440 --> 00:51:24,560
Remember when they announced
the live-action Beauty and the Beast,

1154
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:28,200
and they said
there was gonna be a gay character?

1155
00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:30,879
Ooh, the right-wing
fundamentalist Christians weren't happy.

1156
00:51:30,960 --> 00:51:35,160
"You can't have that in a Disney movie,
a man loving another man."

1157
00:51:35,240 --> 00:51:36,760
"It's not natural."

1158
00:51:37,280 --> 00:51:38,520
Not natural?

1159
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:41,960
That film is about a woman
fucking a wildebeest.

1160
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:45,480
[audience laughing]

1161
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:46,680
[Jack chuckles]

1162
00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:51,080
To be fair, I don't think I've taken that
directly from the Disney Plus description.

1163
00:51:51,160 --> 00:51:52,440
[audience laughs]

1164
00:51:52,520 --> 00:51:53,799
That's got to stop, hasn't it?

1165
00:51:53,879 --> 00:51:55,960
Grown adults
getting wound up about cartoons.

1166
00:51:56,040 --> 00:51:58,640
It just happened
with the live-action Little Mermaid.

1167
00:51:58,720 --> 00:52:01,200
They announced the actress
playing Ariel is mixed-race.

1168
00:52:01,280 --> 00:52:03,120
Oh, racist Twitter wasn't happy.

1169
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:07,160
"You can't have that.
You can't have a mixed-race Ariel."

1170
00:52:08,120 --> 00:52:09,359
She's a mermaid.

1171
00:52:10,120 --> 00:52:13,640
She is the most mixed-race character
that has ever been conceived.

1172
00:52:14,240 --> 00:52:16,520
From the waist down, she's mixed grill.

1173
00:52:16,600 --> 00:52:18,960
[audience laughing]

1174
00:52:19,040 --> 00:52:19,920
That wasn't the worst.

1175
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:22,000
The worst was a tweet,
it had thousands of retweets,

1176
00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:25,120
some racist troll
that was trying to play the science card.

1177
00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:27,200
How desperately sad are you

1178
00:52:27,280 --> 00:52:30,200
that you're trying to bring science
into this discussion?

1179
00:52:30,280 --> 00:52:33,920
He was like, "It's not even
scientifically possible, right,

1180
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:39,319
'cause how-- how would enough sunlight
get down to the bottom of the ocean

1181
00:52:39,399 --> 00:52:43,440
for the Little Mermaid's skin
to produce the melanin?"

1182
00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:47,480
"Ooh, I don't know.
Why don't we ask the talking crab?"

1183
00:52:47,560 --> 00:52:48,560
[audience laughing]

1184
00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:50,760
"Do you wanna have a word with him?"

1185
00:52:50,839 --> 00:52:53,120
"Although I don't think
you two will get along,

1186
00:52:53,200 --> 00:52:55,240
'cause he appears to be a Rastafarian."

1187
00:52:55,319 --> 00:52:58,319
[audience laughing]

1188
00:53:00,640 --> 00:53:02,200
It's make-believe!

1189
00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:04,240
Who fucking cares?

1190
00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:08,080
I guess the only thing they should've
updated is the ending, right?

1191
00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:10,680
If Ariel is mixed-race,
it probably can't be happily ever after.

1192
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:12,839
If Ariel is mixed-race,
she's got to marry the prince,

1193
00:53:12,920 --> 00:53:16,399
get harangued by the British press,
and run away to do a Netflix documentary.

1194
00:53:16,480 --> 00:53:17,799
[surprised laughter]

1195
00:53:17,879 --> 00:53:22,680
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[Jack chuckling]

1196
00:53:26,520 --> 00:53:29,240
Well, I wasn't gonna go there,
but since we have, I…

1197
00:53:29,799 --> 00:53:32,680
Just my personal interest. Give me a cheer
if you're Team Meghan and Harry.

1198
00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:34,600
[audience cheers]

1199
00:53:34,680 --> 00:53:37,040
Give me a cheer
if you're Team Royal Family?

1200
00:53:37,120 --> 00:53:38,680
[audience cheers louder]

1201
00:53:38,760 --> 00:53:41,280
Give me a cheer
if you're Team Couldn't Give A Fuck?

1202
00:53:41,359 --> 00:53:44,319
[audience cheering loudest]

1203
00:53:44,399 --> 00:53:45,879
I'm very much in your camp.

1204
00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:46,879
[audience laughs]

1205
00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:50,040
I feel a bit sorry for them,
but, then again, at the end of the day,

1206
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:54,240
to take Netflix's money to do a show
where you just humiliate your family…

1207
00:53:54,319 --> 00:53:57,160
[audience laughing]

1208
00:53:57,240 --> 00:53:58,560
[Jack chuckling]

1209
00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:03,000
I like seeing more representation
in all walks of life. I do.

1210
00:54:03,080 --> 00:54:05,920
Honestly, I saw a lovely article recently,
groundbreaking news,

1211
00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:09,399
Marvel had announced
their first-ever trans superhero.

1212
00:54:09,480 --> 00:54:10,920
I thought, that's lovely.

1213
00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:13,560
The only person I felt a little sorry for
when I read that article

1214
00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:15,799
was the guy
that came up with Transformers.

1215
00:54:15,879 --> 00:54:17,240
[audience laughs]

1216
00:54:17,319 --> 00:54:20,560
Come on. A superhero that's a woman
that used to be a man? Great.

1217
00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:21,640
But groundbreaking?

1218
00:54:21,720 --> 00:54:23,560
Optimus Prime used to be a truck.

1219
00:54:23,640 --> 00:54:25,240
[audience laughing]

1220
00:54:25,319 --> 00:54:29,399
Just saying, wait till those transformers
start getting involved in women's sport.

1221
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:32,440
-You think Piers Morgan's annoyed now…
-[audience laughs]

1222
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:35,040
…that in the women's swimming,
the athlete in lane three

1223
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:38,319
has an unfair advantage
'cause she was biologically born a man?

1224
00:54:38,399 --> 00:54:40,280
Wait till he finds out
the athlete in lane six

1225
00:54:40,359 --> 00:54:42,120
was biologically born a submarine.

1226
00:54:42,200 --> 00:54:45,160
[audience laughing]

1227
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:47,080
But that is indicative
of this wider problem

1228
00:54:47,160 --> 00:54:49,879
where everyone has to have an opinion
about everything these days.

1229
00:54:49,960 --> 00:54:51,879
I always used to like
what my grandmother said.

1230
00:54:51,960 --> 00:54:55,799
My grandmother always used to say,
"Opinions are like farts."

1231
00:54:55,879 --> 00:54:57,319
"It's best to hold them in,

1232
00:54:57,399 --> 00:54:59,879
because no one's gonna appreciate them
as much as you."

1233
00:54:59,960 --> 00:55:02,240
[audience laughing]

1234
00:55:02,319 --> 00:55:03,879
I think there's wisdom to that.

1235
00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:05,960
I think we've been conditioned
to be like this

1236
00:55:06,040 --> 00:55:09,399
'cause we're asked for our opinion
all the time, far too much if you ask me.

1237
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:11,879
We've got Yelp, TripAdvisor,
Uber, and Amazon.

1238
00:55:11,960 --> 00:55:13,280
Every time you go into a shop,

1239
00:55:13,359 --> 00:55:15,720
"Fill in this questionnaire.
Give us your feedback."

1240
00:55:15,799 --> 00:55:18,160
You walk out of the toilet now
in the airport,

1241
00:55:18,240 --> 00:55:20,120
you're met with a panel of faces

1242
00:55:20,200 --> 00:55:22,920
so you can tell them
how much that shit made you smile.

1243
00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:24,240
[audience laughs]

1244
00:55:24,319 --> 00:55:27,120
And Twitter,
the fucking world's cubicle wall

1245
00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:31,280
that allows every half-baked opinion
to be suddenly broadcast to the world.

1246
00:55:31,359 --> 00:55:32,600
I think about this so much more

1247
00:55:32,680 --> 00:55:35,520
now that I'm about to bring a child
into this toxic hellscape.

1248
00:55:35,600 --> 00:55:38,399
And I think,
"What piece of advice would I give them?"

1249
00:55:38,480 --> 00:55:42,879
And ultimately, the very simple advice
I'd give my kid, and to anyone, is this.

1250
00:55:42,960 --> 00:55:45,399
What we need to learn is that sometimes

1251
00:55:45,480 --> 00:55:48,879
it is okay to let the people
who know what they're talking about

1252
00:55:48,960 --> 00:55:50,600
talk about what they know about.

1253
00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:53,359
I accept there's quite a lot of things
I'm ill-informed of,

1254
00:55:53,440 --> 00:55:55,920
and therefore,
there will be a fair few discussions

1255
00:55:56,000 --> 00:55:58,920
that it is probably best
that I just sit out of.

1256
00:55:59,000 --> 00:56:02,879
I'm not saying we shouldn't have opinions.
It's vitally important to have opinions.

1257
00:56:02,960 --> 00:56:06,200
I'm just saying, you don't have
to have an opinion about everything.

1258
00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:09,000
Every now and again, very rarely,
there may come a time

1259
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:12,120
when you can genuinely add
something of interest to the discourse.

1260
00:56:12,200 --> 00:56:14,760
But in the meantime, wait your turn,

1261
00:56:14,839 --> 00:56:17,680
pick your moment,
and in the nicest way possible,

1262
00:56:17,760 --> 00:56:20,240
shut the fuck up.

1263
00:56:20,319 --> 00:56:23,600
[audience cheering and applauding]

1264
00:56:31,920 --> 00:56:33,520
That was a very long-winded way of saying

1265
00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:36,399
I don't wanna read any negative feedback
about this show on Twitter.

1266
00:56:36,480 --> 00:56:38,640
[audience laughing]

1267
00:56:38,720 --> 00:56:43,040
Ultimately, I think I maybe spent
a little too much time over in the States.

1268
00:56:43,120 --> 00:56:44,960
I was surprised by how homesick I got.

1269
00:56:45,040 --> 00:56:48,000
And I want to tell you about
one of the bleakest moments.

1270
00:56:48,080 --> 00:56:51,640
I'd been living there for about a year,
trying to do long-distance with Rox.

1271
00:56:51,720 --> 00:56:54,399
It had been a struggle,
and I was on the phone to her.

1272
00:56:54,480 --> 00:56:57,560
Put it down,
and I was feeling very sad and very alone.

1273
00:56:57,640 --> 00:57:00,799
I was like, "I know what I need to do.
I need to take myself for a nice meal."

1274
00:57:00,879 --> 00:57:02,839
"I'm gonna wine and dine myself."

1275
00:57:02,919 --> 00:57:06,560
So I go to a restaurant, and I don't mind
eating on my own in a restaurant,

1276
00:57:06,640 --> 00:57:09,720
but I do like there to be
a degree of discretion when I do so.

1277
00:57:09,799 --> 00:57:13,680
I always approach eating on my own
in a restaurant like I approach sex.

1278
00:57:13,760 --> 00:57:15,359
In and out as quickly as possible,

1279
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:17,919
minimal eye contact,
and then scurry for the exit,

1280
00:57:18,000 --> 00:57:20,440
leaving a woman very disappointed
about the size of my tip.

1281
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:22,919
[audience laughing]

1282
00:57:23,000 --> 00:57:26,680
I whisper my name,
whisper my name to this hostess,

1283
00:57:26,759 --> 00:57:29,080
and she walks back out five minutes later,

1284
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:32,319
and at the top of her voice,
she uses my name

1285
00:57:32,399 --> 00:57:36,640
in the most depressing sentence
that I have ever heard it used.

1286
00:57:36,720 --> 00:57:38,799
She walks out, she goes,

1287
00:57:38,879 --> 00:57:40,279
"Jack Whitehall!"

1288
00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:42,279
"Party for one!"

1289
00:57:42,359 --> 00:57:44,080
[audience laughing]

1290
00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:46,120
Party for one?!

1291
00:57:46,200 --> 00:57:49,640
That is the most depressing
description of my lunch

1292
00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:51,759
that I have ever fucking heard!

1293
00:57:51,839 --> 00:57:54,720
And now everyone in the restaurant
is looking over to see

1294
00:57:54,799 --> 00:57:57,200
who the pity party for one is.

1295
00:57:57,279 --> 00:58:00,560
I have to do the walk of shame
through the restaurant.

1296
00:58:00,640 --> 00:58:02,240
[audience laughing]

1297
00:58:02,319 --> 00:58:04,440
She sits me down
at the pity party for one.

1298
00:58:04,520 --> 00:58:05,799
She then does that thing.

1299
00:58:05,879 --> 00:58:09,440
Why do waitresses feel the need to do this
if you're eating on your own?

1300
00:58:09,520 --> 00:58:12,839
She comes over to my table
and makes a big song and dance

1301
00:58:12,919 --> 00:58:15,640
of removing the place setting opposite me.

1302
00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:17,560
Why do they do that?

1303
00:58:17,640 --> 00:58:20,440
As if to say,
"We wouldn't want anyone looking over here

1304
00:58:20,520 --> 00:58:23,160
and accidentally thinking
that you're waiting for someone."

1305
00:58:23,240 --> 00:58:25,960
"No, I need everyone
in this establishment to know

1306
00:58:26,040 --> 00:58:28,640
that you're probably gonna die alone."

1307
00:58:29,359 --> 00:58:32,960
"Why don't I just get my chair
and stick it up against the wall,

1308
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:36,919
so I don't accidentally make eye contact
with any of the happy customers?"

1309
00:58:37,000 --> 00:58:40,080
"Or you can bring a to-go bag out.
I'll put it on my head."

1310
00:58:40,160 --> 00:58:43,680
"Or better still, there's some space
down here underneath the table."

1311
00:58:43,759 --> 00:58:47,279
"Why don't I just have my dinner
down here, like a dog?"

1312
00:58:48,759 --> 00:58:51,839
"Is now a good time to mention
it's my birthday?"

1313
00:58:51,919 --> 00:58:56,160
[audience laughing]

1314
00:58:56,759 --> 00:59:00,200
"Does sir have any allergies today,
or should I just put 'people'?"

1315
00:59:00,279 --> 00:59:02,160
[audience laughing]

1316
00:59:02,240 --> 00:59:05,160
She then asked my second least-favorite
question in a restaurant.

1317
00:59:05,240 --> 00:59:08,160
"Would you like bottled water or tap?"

1318
00:59:08,240 --> 00:59:10,560
"Oh, well, when you put it like that."

1319
00:59:10,640 --> 00:59:12,759
Why do they always have to frame it
in that way?

1320
00:59:12,839 --> 00:59:15,640
All water has technically
come through a tap at some point,

1321
00:59:15,720 --> 00:59:17,359
even the posh shit in the bottles.

1322
00:59:17,440 --> 00:59:19,560
How do you think it got there
in the first place?

1323
00:59:19,640 --> 00:59:22,319
This waitress wasn't out
in a field this morning,

1324
00:59:22,399 --> 00:59:25,720
skipping through it,
dunking them into a babbling brook.

1325
00:59:25,799 --> 00:59:29,160
No, but they say "tap"
because words have power,

1326
00:59:29,240 --> 00:59:31,640
and "tap" conjures up
an image in your head, doesn't it,

1327
00:59:31,720 --> 00:59:35,440
of some rusty tap out back,
in an alleyway.

1328
00:59:35,520 --> 00:59:39,440
The waitress walking out there
with a mangy pail of water

1329
00:59:39,520 --> 00:59:42,399
to fill it up as some sweaty sous-chef

1330
00:59:42,480 --> 00:59:45,680
douses down his nether regions
after a hot service.

1331
00:59:45,759 --> 00:59:48,080
[audience laughing]

1332
00:59:48,160 --> 00:59:52,399
Maybe I have quite a vivid imagination,
but you get the point.

1333
00:59:52,480 --> 00:59:56,160
She's back with the menus. By this point,
I thought she was taking the piss.

1334
00:59:56,240 --> 00:59:59,960
She's like, "Right, well, we serve things
in this menu family-style."

1335
01:00:00,040 --> 01:00:01,799
[giggles] "Well, joke's on you, love."

1336
01:00:01,879 --> 01:00:05,240
"This is my family style.
I went to a boarding school."

1337
01:00:05,319 --> 01:00:06,560
[audience laughs]

1338
01:00:06,640 --> 01:00:09,319
"You're not gonna be interested
in this first page of our menu,

1339
01:00:09,399 --> 01:00:12,640
because these are
all of our sharing plates."

1340
01:00:12,720 --> 01:00:17,120
"Oh my God. I get it.
I haven't got any friends."

1341
01:00:17,200 --> 01:00:20,839
She's like, "Here we are, sir.
This is more your area here."

1342
01:00:20,919 --> 01:00:23,319
"Wines by the glass."

1343
01:00:23,399 --> 01:00:25,799
[high-pitched] "Wines by the glass."

1344
01:00:25,879 --> 01:00:27,480
I was so smug.

1345
01:00:27,560 --> 01:00:29,440
I was like, "Oh, madam."

1346
01:00:29,520 --> 01:00:32,359
"You have really misread this situation."

1347
01:00:32,440 --> 01:00:34,680
"You see, I am British."

1348
01:00:34,759 --> 01:00:37,399
"I may eat for a party of one,

1349
01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:40,040
but I drink for a party of five!"

1350
01:00:40,120 --> 01:00:41,799
[audience roaring with laughter]

1351
01:00:41,879 --> 01:00:46,680
[audience cheering and applauding]

1352
01:00:46,759 --> 01:00:50,000
I love that we live in a country
where you can get away with that.

1353
01:00:50,080 --> 01:00:53,319
Ordering a bottle of wine at lunch
and not getting judged for it.

1354
01:00:53,399 --> 01:00:54,520
Oh my God.

1355
01:00:54,600 --> 01:00:57,040
That picture…
[chuckles] She's had a couple.

1356
01:00:57,120 --> 01:00:58,040
I… [chuckles]

1357
01:00:58,120 --> 01:01:00,080
That picture, the jolly day-drinker,

1358
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:02,759
polishing off a bottle of pinot
before 1:00 p.m.

1359
01:01:02,839 --> 01:01:05,680
Stick that shit on the ten-pound note.

1360
01:01:05,759 --> 01:01:07,560
[audience laughing]

1361
01:01:07,640 --> 01:01:11,359
That… That is the kind of reason
I could never move to America permanently.

1362
01:01:11,440 --> 01:01:15,240
And I nearly did. At the end of last year,
I nearly made the move permanently,

1363
01:01:15,319 --> 01:01:17,200
and at the last minute, I pulled out.

1364
01:01:17,279 --> 01:01:19,919
Ironically, I'd failed to pull out
in another situation,

1365
01:01:20,000 --> 01:01:22,240
but that's already been touched on.

1366
01:01:22,319 --> 01:01:25,520
Ultimately, I realized
that I wanna raise my kid here.

1367
01:01:25,600 --> 01:01:29,359
I wanna settle down here.
Whisper it quietly, I like it here.

1368
01:01:29,440 --> 01:01:32,200
And I don't mean that
in like a sort of jingoistic way.

1369
01:01:32,279 --> 01:01:34,359
I think there's enough people
in this country

1370
01:01:34,440 --> 01:01:37,680
that tell you that you should love it
in a very specific manner.

1371
01:01:37,759 --> 01:01:39,720
Ultimately, there's a host
of different reasons

1372
01:01:39,799 --> 01:01:43,080
that we can love where we live
and who we are.

1373
01:01:43,160 --> 01:01:45,480
And I realized the longer I spent away,

1374
01:01:45,560 --> 01:01:49,560
it was the mundane, weird,
random shit that I began to miss.

1375
01:01:49,640 --> 01:01:53,160
LA is 365 days a year of sunshine.

1376
01:01:53,240 --> 01:01:55,040
I began to miss drizzle.

1377
01:01:55,120 --> 01:01:56,279
[audience laughs]

1378
01:01:56,359 --> 01:01:59,720
I love nothing more
than being sat in a beer garden

1379
01:01:59,799 --> 01:02:01,520
huddled underneath an umbrella,

1380
01:02:01,600 --> 01:02:05,440
getting battered by horizontal rain
in the middle of July.

1381
01:02:05,960 --> 01:02:11,520
Being the designated person to lean over
and switch on the heater every 50 seconds.

1382
01:02:11,600 --> 01:02:12,680
[audience laughs]

1383
01:02:12,759 --> 01:02:14,399
I miss a proper music festival

1384
01:02:14,480 --> 01:02:18,080
that you come back from
with food poisoning and trench foot.

1385
01:02:18,160 --> 01:02:21,399
I cannot wait to be in my first mosh pit

1386
01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:24,399
with little baby Phoenix
strapped onto my chest.

1387
01:02:25,000 --> 01:02:29,040
I went to a parody of a music festival
in America called Coachella.

1388
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:31,200
I heard a woman there complaining

1389
01:02:31,279 --> 01:02:35,919
because they had ran out of hand sanitizer
in the VIP area.

1390
01:02:36,000 --> 01:02:38,640
I was like,
"Love, I was at Glastonbury once

1391
01:02:38,720 --> 01:02:40,560
and saw a woman in the gents

1392
01:02:40,640 --> 01:02:42,919
squatting in front of a urinal

1393
01:02:43,000 --> 01:02:45,000
using a Croc as a Shewee."

1394
01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:46,839
[audience laughing]

1395
01:02:46,919 --> 01:02:51,359
It's wonderful to see you again, madam.
I didn't recognize you until that moment.

1396
01:02:51,879 --> 01:02:55,680
I miss living in a country that doesn't
give a toss about designer labels

1397
01:02:55,759 --> 01:02:57,240
or who's wearing who.

1398
01:02:57,319 --> 01:03:00,919
Where the biggest fashion story of 2023

1399
01:03:01,000 --> 01:03:05,120
was that Primark were doing
a collaboration with Greggs, the baker.

1400
01:03:05,200 --> 01:03:07,600
[audience cheering and applauding]

1401
01:03:07,680 --> 01:03:10,319
They did a sportswear range!

1402
01:03:10,399 --> 01:03:13,720
Have you got any idea
how much of a middle finger that is

1403
01:03:13,799 --> 01:03:15,359
to the wellness industry?

1404
01:03:15,440 --> 01:03:18,919
Turning up to the gym
in the same packaging as a sausage roll?

1405
01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:19,879
[audience laughs]

1406
01:03:19,960 --> 01:03:21,359
I miss our shit food.

1407
01:03:21,440 --> 01:03:23,000
Steak bakes. Scotch eggs.

1408
01:03:23,080 --> 01:03:24,960
A breakfast of champions,

1409
01:03:25,040 --> 01:03:27,560
washed down with a gallon of milky tea

1410
01:03:27,640 --> 01:03:30,440
and gravy on fucking everything.

1411
01:03:30,520 --> 01:03:32,759
We love gravy so much in this country,

1412
01:03:32,839 --> 01:03:35,399
we're not gonna pour it
out of a poncy little jug.

1413
01:03:35,480 --> 01:03:37,759
We are a maritime nation,

1414
01:03:37,839 --> 01:03:41,480
and our gravy should arrive at the table
in a fucking boat!

1415
01:03:41,560 --> 01:03:42,720
[audience cheering]

1416
01:03:42,799 --> 01:03:47,560
And it shall be served to us
without the hint of a smile.

1417
01:03:47,640 --> 01:03:52,640
God bless the complete absence
of customer service in this country!

1418
01:03:53,240 --> 01:03:58,439
In America, being asked how my meal was
in between every single mouthful.

1419
01:03:58,520 --> 01:04:00,799
The joy of coming back home

1420
01:04:00,879 --> 01:04:04,439
and being served this afternoon
in a café in Bermondsey

1421
01:04:04,520 --> 01:04:06,439
by a woman that wouldn't give a fuck

1422
01:04:06,520 --> 01:04:09,560
if I dropped down dead
in front of her at the table.

1423
01:04:10,200 --> 01:04:12,359
Thank you very much, O2!

1424
01:04:12,439 --> 01:04:14,160
I've been Jack Whitehall!

1425
01:04:14,240 --> 01:04:15,720
You've been amazing!

1426
01:04:15,799 --> 01:04:16,919
Good night!

1427
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:22,000
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-["Enigma Variations" playing]

1428
01:04:22,080 --> 01:04:23,040
Thank you!

1429
01:04:23,120 --> 01:04:26,160
[audience whistling]

1430
01:04:31,000 --> 01:04:33,319
["Enigma Variations" continues playing]
nigma Variations" playing]