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People say-- You will have heard this,
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people say, "You can't joke
about anything these days."
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Watch me now.
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We're gonna kick off our evening
with some short, edgy jokes,
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get the measure of each other,
see if we're gonna be friends.
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Eyes down, everyone.
Let's fucking do this.
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I bought my girlfriend a bath bomb.
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I say that... toaster.
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She was shocked.
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When my girlfriend found out
I'd been drunk driving,
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she hit the roof.
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I was in Hong Kong.
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Their Chinatown is fucking massive.
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I've got a half brother.
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Sorry. Transgender.
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It's a cliché, I suppose,
but I-- I-- I, um--
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I used to tell jokes at school
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to stop kids from bullying me.
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They used to shout mean things like,
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"Get out of our playground,
you pedophile!"
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I've got feelings.
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My art teacher at school was a pedophile.
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Yeah, so it really was
back to the drawing board.
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I write a lot of my jokes on my iPhone,
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but the autocorrect is always
fucking up the lunch line.
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- Ah--
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Sure.
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Everyone in here's
got a mobile phone, right?
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And they're incredible.
They've done so much for us.
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But it has come at a price.
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They've robbed us
of our ability to concentrate,
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those mobile phones, yeah?
A good example. Last week,
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I had to do a simple piece
of mental arithmetic.
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'Course, I couldn't do it in my head,
needed the app on the phone.
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Before I'd even opened the calculator app,
I checked my email,
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updated my Instagram, and hit a cyclist.
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Are you aware of the mobile phone
secretly listening to your conversation?
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Yes.
- It's creepy, right?
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You'll be chatting to a friend
about the good old days,
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and then for the next two weeks,
you're bombarded with adverts
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for anal beads and butt plugs.
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My, uh-- My girlfriend likes
to be tied up.
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But, it turns out,
really scared of railway tracks.
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When I masturbate, thanks for asking...
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When I masturbate,
I always put my pinky up
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so it looks like a fancy lady is, uh...
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...fingering my asshole.
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There's a sub-genre of porn
called POV porn,
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which is shot from the man's perspective,
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so you see what the man sees
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when he's having sex with the lovely lady
in the pornographic film.
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I'm gonna make POV porn,
little money-making scheme,
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and make POV porn,
but from the woman's perspective.
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Huh? It's gonna be super easy
to shoot as well.
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It's just a close-up of a headboard,
a pillow, a ceiling, and some dude's feet.
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Well, 'cause people say men have got--
are more sort of visual than women.
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Well, I don't think so.
I think we just have a better view, right?
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Think about it.
There's a bit of reverse cowgirl going on.
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We're thinking, "Her ass looks amazing."
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She's thinking,
"He needs to clip his toenails."
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It's not as erotically charged, is it?
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Do any couples in here
watch porn together?
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- Who watches porn as a couple?
Yeah.
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One bloke on his own.
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Are you...
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You're watching enough for two, are you?
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We tried--
We tried watching porn as a couple,
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but it didn't work for us at all.
Very different tastes.
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She likes stuff with proper narrative
and characterization.
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I like stuff with animals.
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I was watching Gaping Anuses 3...
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Planet of the Gapes.
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And sure, I enjoyed it,
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but there were some pretty big holes
in the plot.
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This next joke
is sort of a canary in the mine.
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It's there to test the air.
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Your reaction to this joke tells me
an awful lot about you as an audience.
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Doesn't change anything.
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I'm gonna tell you the same jokes
this evening regardless of your reaction.
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It just tells me how much
you're gonna enjoy our time together.
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- Good luck.
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I was in a grocery store
a couple of weeks ago.
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They had a special on.
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He was collecting the carts.
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I think we're going
to be friends, aren't we?
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And no, no disrespect.
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One of my best friends
is a special needs teacher.
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Well, I say he's a special needs teacher.
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It's a totally normal school,
but it's in Norfolk, so, you know.
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- Is anyone in from Norfolk?
Yeah.
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Yeah.
- You're from Norfolk? Oh!
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- Yeah, that checks out.
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If you're not familiar, uh, Norfolk's--
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So, what are you working with
there, my friend?
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Just the one set of grandparents?
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Family tree like a fucking broom handle.
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You didn't meet the missus on Tinder,
did you?
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What was it, ancestry.com?
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That's giving you
the benefit of the doubt.
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It may well be "siblings with benefits."
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Too close to home?
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He'll be livid when he gets those jokes.
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My girlfriend snores quite a lot.
Has anyone else got that problem?
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Yes.
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Yeah, my girlfriend snores quite a lot,
but luckily,
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I've got these noise-cancelling fists.
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Is anyone here
in a controlling relationship?
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Raise your partner's hand.
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I'm no good with ages,
especially with young women.
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They could be mid-20s.
They could be 15. You just don't know.
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Well, there's a story.
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So I was in Covent Garden,
very touristy bit of London.
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I'm sat on the Piazza there,
having a cup of tea, minding my business.
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This beautiful, willowy-looking girl
walks in, sits opposite me,
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and just keeps on looking over.
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Tons of eye contact,
very flirty, and very obvious about it.
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Now, that sort of thing
does not happen to me very often,
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so I was incredibly flattered,
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but I couldn't tell how old she was,
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and I thought,
"Well, I'm not taking a chance."
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So I asked.
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I just straight-up asked. I said,
"Excuse me, do you mind me asking,
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how old are you?"
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She said, "I'm 23."
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I said, "I'm sorry for wasting your time."
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Ah, it's just a joke,
as far as any of you can prove.
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Last year, I lost my father to dementia.
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I guess we could've stuck around
to look for him for longer, but fuck it.
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The great thing about that,
anyone offended won't remember.
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I've written a two-word joke,
and I'm quite pleased with this
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'cause I've written a joke
for an unsung group within our society,
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a group that I don't think
gets the respect that they deserve.
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- Stepdads. We got any stepdads in?
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Oh, you're a stepdad here?
What's your name, my friend?
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- Daniel.
- Daniel. I've written you a joke, Daniel.
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Won't take long. It's only two words.
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Stepdads... motherfuckers.
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Easy.
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And Daniel...
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no one is telling you how to parent.
I'm sure you do a terrific job as-is.
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All I would say is,
the next time you see the kids,
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could be as soon as tomorrow morning,
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you, you know, point out
the obvious to them.
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You say, "Look, kids, 'stepdad'
is an inherently disrespectful term."
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"From here on in, 'motherfucker.'"
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"Now, finish your Cocoa Puffs."
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"I'm just gonna nip upstairs
and fuck your mum."
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Is this the MILF in question?
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Very nice. Came with a bit of baggage,
you couldn't give a fuck. Good on you.
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How many socks have you got, Daniel?
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Are you not familiar with the term? Socks.
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Some Other Cunt's Kids.
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Climate change. Let's talk about it.
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Climate change is like my niece.
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It's getting hotter every year.
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It's not as bad as you think.
She'll be six next month.
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I don't even like the term "niece."
I prefer to say, "NILF."
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My girlfriend is vegan. Sorry,
don't know why I'm telling you that.
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I assume she's already told you.
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Are there any vegans here?
Got vegans in the house?
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Hey!
- One over there.
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- What's your name, my vegan friend?
- Erica.
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Erica? Very nice to have you here, Erica.
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I'm not-- I'm not gonna make jokes
about vegan food.
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I think it would be tasteless.
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But I've got a question for you, Erica,
'cause my partner is vegan.
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She had a question about veganism.
Maybe you could help.
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Uh, she wants to know
is semen okay for vegans?
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Because if it isn't,
she's gotta stop having tennis lessons.
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- What do you think, Erica?
- I love semen!
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- Well...
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Fair enough.
Probably the only protein you're getting.
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{\an8}
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It's a great answer, Erica.
It's a great answer.
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Not the best answer I've ever had.
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Best answer I ever had, Erica,
I was doing a gig in London,
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and this lady in the front row was vegan.
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I said, "Is semen okay for vegans?"
And she went, "Human semen?"
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What the fuck?
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How would you even get to that?
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I know vegans are meant to love animals,
but sounds like she really loves animals.
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Knife crime. Huge problem in the UK.
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What can be done?
Well, simple solution. Guns.
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Right, there's no knife crime
in America, is there?
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Have we got any Americans in?
Any Americans?
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- A few over there.
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- What's your name, sir?
Ken.
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Ken? Of course it is.
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Totally smooth, is it?
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Good on you, Ken.
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The Americans and the British, we're--
we're divided by a common language.
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Right? So-- So we would say, "Trousers"
in Great Britain.
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Americans would say, "Pants."
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We say, "Pavement."
The Americans would say, "Sidewalk."
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We'd say, "Unarmed, don't shoot!"
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They would say, "Oops."
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I can see there's two sides
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to the gun debate in America.
Course there are.
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There's two sides to the gun debate.
Some Americans have legitimate reasons
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for wanting to own AR-15 assault rifles.
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Like, what if you want to murder
a lot of children in a hurry?
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So in America, the Supreme Court
is stopping women from aborting fetuses.
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They don't feel, they haven't got hearts,
they're brainless,
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yet somehow,
the Supreme Court are in charge.
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When my girlfriend got pregnant,
sure, I thought about all the options.
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"Should I, you know,
take care of the problem?"
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But then I thought,
"Could I really take a human life?"
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Well, two, if you count the fetus.
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Abortion. Let's talk about it, everyone.
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00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,240
Well, I think we'd spend a lot more time
talking about, thinking about,
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00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:29,360
debating abortion
if we all knew how close we had come.
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00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,600
Well, let's do a social experiment
in the theater this evening.
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00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,840
Give me one of those little
ripply applause if and only if
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your parents were under the age of 20
when they had you.
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00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,600
- Where are you?
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00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,080
Okay, so anyone applauding,
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00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:50,000
you need to know there was a conversation.
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00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,240
And that conversation didn't go Dad's way.
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00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,240
All right.
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00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:06,040
Give me one of those
if you're the youngest of four.
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00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,400
Well, you need to know
there was a conversation.
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00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,080
And that conversation didn't go Dad's way.
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All right, give me one of those
if you have a ginger-haired mum.
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00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,080
Far fewer of those.
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And that's 'cause sometimes,
dads really put their fucking foot down.
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Are there any anti-vaxxers in?
Is anyone here anti-vax?
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00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:54,080
One person over there. Fair enough.
A lot of you didn't make it.
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- What's your name, my friend?
Rico.
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00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,360
- Rico.
- Yeah.
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00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:01,760
Sure.
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00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,560
- Let's go with that, Rico.
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00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,160
Here's what I think we should do.
You're entitled to your opinion.
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00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,360
Course you are! What I think we should do,
we should have an opt-in, opt-out
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00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,880
on the whole of Western medicine.
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00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,720
Opt-in, opt-out.
So you're either with us, or you're not.
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00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,480
So no COVID vaccine? No problem, Rico.
Good luck with the polio.
239
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,880
Let's see how far you get
on your little Kermit legs.
240
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,120
Right.
241
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,160
I feel pretty confident making that joke,
242
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,920
because no cunt
is getting polio these days.
243
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,920
Do you know why, Rico?
244
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,600
Oh.
245
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,880
The anti-vax people online
won't like that.
246
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,080
Course they're not gonna take the vaccine.
They can't even take a fucking joke.
247
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,080
This next joke might get me canceled.
248
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,200
Come on.
249
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,920
Transgender people
aren't what they used to be.
250
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:25,120
And really, there's two issues.
There's trans, and there's non-binary.
251
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:28,880
And they often get conflated in our media,
but they're very separate issues.
252
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:32,160
Trans and non-binary. So non-binary,
that's the one with the pronouns.
253
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,680
So there's now more pronouns
than there ever used to be.
254
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,040
There's now ten pronouns.
255
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,280
I'll quickly go through it
so we're all on the same page.
256
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:42,360
The ten pronouns are he, she, they, them,
257
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,520
it, oh, gross, what, is, that?
258
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,680
And I'm very onboard. I will call you
what you want to be called.
259
00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:00,960
I will treat you with respect always.
260
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:01,880
But...
261
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,000
...I'm also gonna make jokes about it.
262
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:08,440
My pronouns are "he he he"...
263
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,200
...because I identify
as a comedian.
264
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,360
Here's a question
just for the ladies in the room.
265
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:29,080
Who teaches you the towel thing?
266
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,080
Oh, you know what I'm talking about.
267
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,520
Every woman in this room
has an ability no man on Earth possesses.
268
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:39,920
Every woman in here has the ability
to make a perfect turban from a towel.
269
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:43,680
Any towel, any bathroom.
270
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:47,280
I've traveled the world,
and it's the same toweling origami design
271
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,960
wherever you roam.
272
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:52,040
It's quite the feat of engineering.
It's up in seconds.
273
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,040
It's there for the day if you want it.
274
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,040
Now, no man has ever
even attempted such a thing.
275
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:02,480
Well, that simple observation
on gender difference,
276
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:06,320
that, my friends, is how we're going
to sort the whole trans debate.
277
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,360
You're welcome.
278
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:12,880
So if you have gender dysphoria,
we're gonna pop you in a shower.
279
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,000
When you come out,
we're gonna throw you a towel.
280
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,240
We're gonna see how you do.
281
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,280
If you make a perfect turban,
282
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,120
the ladies' changing room is this way.
283
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,000
If you floss yourself...
284
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,320
...we have a few more questions.
285
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:43,000
Obviously, I'm not being transphobic,
because trans women are women.
286
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,320
So, if anything, old-fashioned misogyny.
287
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:53,800
I'm gonna tell you a fact now.
288
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,600
It is mind-blowingly stupid,
but it's true.
289
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,480
Most of my gay friends knew this.
None of my straight friends knew.
290
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:02,960
Okay, until 1979, globally,
291
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:07,080
homosexuality was classified
as a mental illness.
292
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,680
An illness!
Does that mean you could phone in sick?
293
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,560
"Sorry, boss. No, I can't come in today.
No, no, nothing like that. No."
294
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,920
"No, I can't stop thinking
about dicks and balls and bums."
295
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,200
"Nah, it's probably just a 24-hour thing.
Yeah, I'll-- No."
296
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,240
"No, I'll walk it off."
297
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,160
"Yep, yep, in the park. Yeah."
298
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,600
They say one man in ten is gay,
299
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,400
but surely one man in just one man
is pretty gay.
300
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,920
One man in ten is showboating.
301
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:55,800
I don't like having sex outdoors,
but that is where women walk at night.
302
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,800
I used to share a house with a woman
303
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:07,880
who swore a ghost
was having sex with her in her dreams.
304
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,840
I thought, "Jesus Christ!"
305
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,520
"From now on,
I gotta mash two pills into her food."
306
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,880
Only 15% of rapes are ever reported,
307
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,720
and only 2% of those
ever lead to a conviction.
308
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:28,000
Now, I'm not advocating rape,
but I like those odds.
309
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:33,680
All I'm saying is if rape was a horse,
you'd have a bet on it.
310
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,760
Do you want to hear my rape fantasy?
311
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:40,440
Yeah!
312
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,480
Someone goes to jail for rape.
313
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,920
It's-- I mean,
those are very clearly jokes about rape,
314
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,880
but we don't take rape serious enough
as a society, as a culture.
315
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,720
And I can prove it. It's in our language.
316
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,440
We've still got the phrase "date rape."
317
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,600
We shouldn't be
calling anything "date rape."
318
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,040
And we should be calling
date rape, "rape."
319
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,880
That's what fucking happened.
320
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,880
I tell you, we wouldn't stand for it
if the vast majority of rapes
321
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,800
happened to men, right?
322
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,200
No other crime comes with a qualifier.
You've never had this conversation...
323
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,040
"Did you hear about Steve?"
"What happened to Steve?"
324
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,720
"He got circus murdered."
325
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,040
"Sorry, Steve got murdered?"
326
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,520
"Well, no.
He had a lovely day at the circus,
327
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:35,920
and then he was murdered.
So, you know... circus murdered."
328
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,560
You can hear it now.
329
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,400
"Date rape," my ass.
330
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,280
Obviously, don't.
331
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,920
Well, so far, we've covered rape,
pornography,
332
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,440
child abuse, domestic violence, abortion,
murder, gun control, and trans issues.
333
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,320
We're right on schedule, everyone.
334
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,560
- Yay.
335
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,680
Obviously, telling jokes with that kind
of subject matter, I'm gonna get canceled.
336
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:08,920
That's the bad news.
337
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,080
The good news is I'm going down swinging.
338
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,960
You hear some horror stories
about cancel culture.
339
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,160
I heard a story
about a woman in London last year.
340
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:21,600
She got canceled. Lost her job,
lost friends, lost status.
341
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,640
Right? Canceled. And she was a good woman.
342
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,200
She worked for a charity
that helps the learning disabled,
343
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,920
and she got canceled over a typo.
344
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,960
Can you believe that? A typo.
345
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:34,120
You know how the G and the T are
right next to each other on the keyboard?
346
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:35,360
Easy enough mistake to make.
347
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:37,400
The G and the T
are right there next to each other.
348
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:38,920
Well, what she wanted to write
349
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,160
at the end of the letter
to the charity supporters was,
350
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,920
"Kind regards."
351
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,160
Now if you've not got that yet...
352
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,760
...the charity she was working for
was helping people like you.
353
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,000
This woke nonsense,
it's gone too far, hasn't it?
354
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,680
When's it gonna stop?
We've even got a male queen now.
355
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,520
The last time I got canceled,
I upset the gypsies.
356
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,200
Thankfully, they've moved on.
357
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,240
You can't go around apologizing for jokes.
358
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:32,520
They're jokes.
359
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:33,640
So I've got a plan.
360
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:37,200
The next time I get canceled over a joke,
the next time I upset people with a joke,
361
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:40,000
I'm going to come out
on the day of the cancellation,
362
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,000
I'm going to make a statement,
a public statement.
363
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,080
I'm going to say,
I've rehearsed this, I'm gonna say...
364
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:46,800
"I'm sorry."
365
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,440
And the people
that I've offended will say,
366
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,600
"You don't really mean that apology."
367
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:56,080
And I'll say, "So you're saying
I could say something and not mean it."
368
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,440
"Now you're getting it."
369
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:09,560
Of course, sometimes in life,
and you'll all know this,
370
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:12,680
sometimes in life, you find yourself
having to make an apology,
371
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,960
but what you really want to say
is, "Fuck you."
372
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,600
And there's a phrase for that.
373
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,840
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
374
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:25,800
It's an amazing expression.
375
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,520
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
has got all the "fuck you" attitude.
376
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:32,560
You know what you mean.
They know what you mean.
377
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,040
They can't touch you for it.
378
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,560
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
379
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:44,360
The English language is good like that.
It's very nuanced, the English language.
380
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:45,880
Like "good luck" is a great example.
381
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,480
"Good luck" is a nice thing
to say to anyone, isn't it? Good luck.
382
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:51,320
But add the words "with that."
383
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,040
Suddenly, a very different meaning.
384
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,680
"Good luck with that." Ah,
you might as well have shat in their oven.
385
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,960
And jokes-- To me, jokes are like magnets.
386
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,840
They attract some people, great to see you
out this evening for a laugh,
387
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,400
but like magnets,
they attract and they repel.
388
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,720
Some people are repelled by my jokes,
389
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:16,280
and they're sat at home now,
online, trying to get me canceled.
390
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:19,440
And to those people I say,
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
391
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:21,760
"Good luck with that."
392
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,400
Okay, well, I feel warmed up.
Shall we try some controversial jokes?
393
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,200
Yeah!
394
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,320
- I'm serious.
395
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:37,800
Let's take it up a notch.
396
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:39,840
I'll tell you
who I think's gonna get canceled.
397
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:42,000
'Cause they fucked a kid
and then they talked about it.
398
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,520
Hundred percent,
God is gonna get canceled.
399
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:48,000
Strap in. This is happening.
400
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:53,200
Well, Mary was 14
when the Holy Ghost "came upon her."
401
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,200
They say "came upon her,"
but some of it went in. Come on.
402
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:03,600
"The Holy Ghost."
403
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,760
I think the "holy" in question
was Mary's vajayjay, wasn't it?
404
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,280
So the Holy Spirit fucked Mary,
405
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:12,560
Mary never heard
from the Holy Spirit again.
406
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,040
Talk about getting ghosted.
407
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:24,600
Do you think when Mary,
mother of God, was fucking Joseph...
408
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,680
Your favorite, Daniel.
The original motherfucker.
409
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,840
You never think of Jesus as a sock,
but he was.
410
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,120
Do you think when Mary...
411
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,200
...was fucking Joseph
and Joseph made Mary come,
412
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:44,960
Mary shouted, "God!"
413
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,200
Awkward. That's her ex.
414
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:52,880
Well, what was the alternative,
"Jesus Christ"?
415
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,800
He's in the next room
thinking, "Shut up, Mum!"
416
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,200
Someone came up to me after a show,
like, very earnestly, and went,
417
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,840
"Jesus died for your sins."
418
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:11,000
I thought, "Oh, great, so now I've killed
the son of God and two prostitutes."
419
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:19,000
All right, let's class this up, shall we?
Let's class up this gig.
420
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:24,000
When Michelangelo
was commissioned by the Vatican
421
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,160
to paint The Creation of Adam,
422
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:27,920
he really knew his audience,
423
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:31,200
and that's why he gave Adam
a child's penis.
424
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:43,920
You all know the story
of Adam and Eve, right?
425
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:48,800
So God took one of Adam's ribs
in order to make Eve,
426
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:50,760
but God had taken one of Adam's ribs,
427
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:52,760
so, suddenly, Adam didn't need Eve.
428
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:54,200
He could suck his own cock.
429
00:27:58,920 --> 00:27:59,960
Silly old God.
430
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:04,720
And look, I tell these jokes now.
I'm an atheist now.
431
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:07,800
I wasn't always. I was raised Catholic,
used to go to church all the time.
432
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:11,120
Late teens, early twenties,
I thought I might want to be a priest.
433
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,120
But fundamentally, I've just
never found kids that attractive.
434
00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:24,040
For me, it's more a hobby.
I couldn't do it as a full-time job.
435
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,400
Are there Christians in,
thinking, "That was all a bit much"?
436
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:32,480
Don't worry. It's all made up.
437
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:44,880
Now, we are a little bit tight for time,
so I probably can't do my Islamic bit.
438
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:51,200
Do it!
439
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:56,160
Well, obviously, I'm not going to be
telling the same jokes about Muhammad
440
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,240
I'd feel very comfortable
telling about Jesus Christ,
441
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:00,040
and that's because, fun fact,
442
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:01,320
I'm not a fucking idiot.
443
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:05,400
So if you're a Christian,
444
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:08,040
and you're sat there thinking,
"That's not fair. He'll make jokes
445
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:09,280
about Christians all day long,
446
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:11,480
but he won't make
the same sort of jokes about Muslims,"
447
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:13,720
well, then, maybe, as a Christian,
448
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:16,520
you should think
about blowing something up.
449
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:20,680
Hey?
450
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:24,880
No one's scared of you.
451
00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:28,400
What are the Christians gonna do,
452
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:29,400
forgive me?
453
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:37,520
Here's my big news.
454
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,960
Here's what's going on in my life,
uh, since I was last out. Um...
455
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:43,400
I'm a father now. I had kids. I'm a dad.
456
00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:45,560
- Thank you.
457
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:46,600
Very nice of you.
458
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:53,200
Now a lot of famous people
give their kids unusual names
459
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,120
and live to regret it.
460
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:57,800
Some people consider my boy's name
to be somewhat unusual,
461
00:29:57,800 --> 00:29:59,280
but then they see his little face,
462
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:01,760
and he does just look like an Adolf.
463
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,520
We're having a gender reveal for our kid,
464
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,920
but we're gonna wait until it's 21.
We want to be sure.
465
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:23,520
They have gender reveal parties.
466
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:25,440
You've all heard
of the gender reveal party.
467
00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:28,560
But you never hear
about a "Are we keeping it?" party.
468
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:32,840
Eleven weeks into the pregnancy,
and you've baked a cake.
469
00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:35,480
Is it shaped like a baby
or a vacuum cleaner?
470
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:44,280
I have two kids now.
Couldn't pick a favorite.
471
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:45,920
Little Jimmy and the other one.
472
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:51,000
Our boy cried all the time.
473
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:53,040
We found the only thing
that calmed him down
474
00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,720
was to be in the car
with the engine running.
475
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:57,800
Pro tip, open the garage door.
476
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:02,920
Now, you don't have to,
477
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:06,440
but if you don't open the garage door,
you run a very real risk of
478
00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:07,360
Rico.
479
00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:15,320
Bless you, Rico. Bless you.
480
00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:20,840
People that get freaked out
by breastfeeding in public,
481
00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:22,320
they can fuck off. I'm right?
482
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:24,040
- Yeah.
483
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,320
Sometimes Daddy gets thirsty.
484
00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:34,360
We've all tried it.
485
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:37,600
Here's a strange thing.
486
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:39,800
So whenever I visit friends
that have had a baby,
487
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:42,960
they always tell me the same thing,
they always go, "The baby has a soft bit
488
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:46,040
on the top of its head
where the skull is yet to fully form."
489
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,080
Why are they telling me that?
490
00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:50,440
So I know the weak spot
if the baby attacks?
491
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:58,640
What did they think I was going to do,
pick it up like a fucking bowling ball?
492
00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:02,960
"Where do you want this baby?"
493
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,840
My girlfriend wants me
to have my sperm frozen
494
00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:13,480
just in case she ever wants to have,
you know, a come-flavored popsicle.
495
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:24,640
The first few weeks after the birth
of the child can be incredibly tough,
496
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:27,880
so pro tip, to avoid postnatal depression,
497
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,280
try not to see your wife naked.
498
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:37,760
Yeah, I shouldn't have said it,
but I'm not wrong.
499
00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:42,600
Have we got mums in?
Where are the mums? Give us a shout.
500
00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:45,720
Loads of mums. We got any single mums?
501
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:50,160
- Okay, let's hear from all the mums again.
502
00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:51,520
You're all single mums.
503
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:56,120
All mums are single mums.
That's my theory.
504
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:58,000
It's the hardest job in the world,
being a mum.
505
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:01,480
It's a 24/7, 365,
never-ending task, being a mum,
506
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:05,200
and to your credit, ladies,
you're all doing it on your own.
507
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,200
- Yeah.
508
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:14,120
Sure, sure, some of you
have got dads... there.
509
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:20,440
But, really, stop and think about it.
What are dads actually doing?
510
00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:23,440
- Dads are, at best,
511
00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:25,720
babysitting their own children...
512
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:29,080
...until Mum gets back.
513
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:39,640
And I realize that is disrespectful
to stay-at-home dads,
514
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,560
but, seriously,
what are those pussies gonna do?
515
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:48,800
Have we got any stay-at-home dads in?
516
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:50,320
'Course not! They're at home.
517
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:57,480
Look, my point is parents are judged
by vastly different metrics, even today.
518
00:33:57,480 --> 00:33:58,840
It's crazy, but it's true.
519
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:00,840
To be considered a good mum,
what do you gotta be?
520
00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:04,720
Loving, nurturing, kind,
attentive, always on-call, right?
521
00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:06,600
Not easy to be considered a good mum.
522
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:10,200
To be considered a good dad,
you just gotta not fuck off.
523
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:14,560
You've all had that conversation.
524
00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:16,680
"He's a good dad." "What do you mean?"
525
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:17,720
"He's still there."
526
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:27,440
That mug that says "World's Best Dad"
should just read, "Still Here."
527
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:30,560
"Too Lazy To Leave."
528
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:40,120
Being a dad is amazing.
You-- You should try it, ladies.
529
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:45,280
It's like being a mum
with none of the responsibility.
530
00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:49,800
Being a mum is a full-time job.
Being a dad is a lovely hobby.
531
00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:54,160
Look, I'll pitch you ladies being a dad.
532
00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:58,840
Being a dad, it's like being royalty
within your own home.
533
00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:03,640
I get wheeled out
for big occasions and photo opportunities.
534
00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:07,440
"Oh, hello, you must be my child.
Very nice to see you."
535
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:10,400
"And this is your sister, is it?"
536
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,880
"It's another child of mine?
Charmed, I'm sure."
537
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,720
Snap, snap, family photo, and off I fuck.
538
00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:21,800
Cutting a ribbon,
cutting an umbilical cord,
539
00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:24,200
it's the same skill set, isn't it?
I'm royalty!
540
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:29,080
Being a dad is like being--
It's like being the co-pilot of the house.
541
00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:31,440
I take over when Mum takes a nap.
542
00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:35,120
But takeoff, landing,
heaven forfend there's turbulence...
543
00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:37,640
Basically, if shit gets real,
544
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:40,800
it's my job to wake her up,
and try not to fuck the stewardess.
545
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:48,760
Mums are like boxers.
546
00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,600
They're in the ring,
they're taking punches, they're bleeding.
547
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:53,200
Mums are in the fight.
548
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:55,960
Dads, we're more like cornermen.
549
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,560
We're sat on a stool,
shouting encouragement.
550
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:03,160
I'm squirting shit in her mouth.
She's spitting into a bucket.
551
00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:07,600
It's fine.
We've been together a long time.
552
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:09,360
It's my job to throw in the towel.
553
00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:12,800
But first, I'm gonna have to ask her
where we keep the towels.
554
00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:18,760
Have we got any dads in?
Where are all the dads?
555
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:20,480
- Loads of dads.
556
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,840
You ever do this? You get asked
to do a job round the house,
557
00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:25,600
you don't like the sound of it,
so you do it really bad the first time
558
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:26,800
so you never get asked again?
559
00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:31,240
Well, long story short, I didn't like
the sound of bathing the baby.
560
00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:38,840
Oh, well, I'll check on it
when I get back.
561
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:42,600
That's one of those jobs
you don't even need to fuck up.
562
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:44,880
You just need to suggest
you're going to fuck it up.
563
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:48,960
"Bath the baby? Not a problem, love.
I'll just boil the kettle."
564
00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:54,400
I'll tell you what no one told me about,
565
00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:56,840
and we should all be talking
about this, Christmas.
566
00:36:56,840 --> 00:37:00,600
Christmas is incredible for dads,
because it's not just the kids
567
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:02,680
that get a wonderful surprise
on Christmas morning
568
00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:04,560
when they tear open their gifts.
569
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:07,800
Us dads are sat there thinking,
"Oh! I wonder what we got them."
570
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,160
Dads might as well believe in Santa Claus.
571
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:20,880
All we know for sure
is we were not involved.
572
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:24,760
Sat there thinking...
573
00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:27,200
Sat there thinking,
"That looks expensive. Who got you that?"
574
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:31,760
-"Did I?"
575
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:33,600
"For fuck's sake, love."
576
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:37,040
If you've ever thanked your father
for a Christmas gift,
577
00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:38,240
you're a fucking idiot.
578
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:42,560
Here's what happened last week.
579
00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:45,640
My kid walked in on me having sex
and freaked out.
580
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:48,920
He said, "Are you trying to hurt Mummy?"
I said, "Well, of course not."
581
00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:52,200
He said, "Well, then you better not
let her catch you fucking the nanny."
582
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,160
Look, I was worried
about becoming a father
583
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:05,680
because this is what I do for a living,
I tell edgy jokes.
584
00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:07,200
And I was worried, becoming a dad,
585
00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:10,040
I'd get all sentimental
and I would lose some of that edge.
586
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:12,240
So I'm gonna tell you a story now,
true story.
587
00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:15,160
I don't tell many true stories on stage,
so please indulge me.
588
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:17,520
Uh, this is from the day
I became a father.
589
00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:20,640
So if you've not had kids,
you might not know,
590
00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:22,440
you've got the go bag by the front door.
591
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:24,880
It's everything you're gonna need
for the hospital in one bag.
592
00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:26,400
You got the babygrows, the nappies,
593
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:28,200
the wash bag,
the nightie, the dressing gown.
594
00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:30,720
It's all in the go bag
so you're good to go when the time comes.
595
00:38:30,720 --> 00:38:34,040
Now, you pack it quite early
when it's your first kid.
596
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:37,280
Seriously. My dick wasn't dry,
we had the go bag ready.
597
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:43,120
And a good job too,
because 34 weeks into the pregnancy,
598
00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:45,160
we had a medical emergency.
599
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:46,600
We got rushed to hospital,
600
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:49,560
we had to have an emergency
Cesarean section at 34 weeks,
601
00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:50,920
which was gut-wrenching.
602
00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:01,040
Now, if you deliver at 34 weeks,
you find out very quickly as a parent,
603
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:02,360
it's all about lung development.
604
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:05,000
Are the baby's lungs gonna be
developed enough to breathe unaided,
605
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:08,000
or is there going to have to be
a medical intervention, intubation,
606
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:09,440
and all of the associated drama?
607
00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:12,640
Now, thankfully, my child's lungs
were developed enough
608
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:15,480
that he could breathe unaided,
but he was very premature.
609
00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:18,680
So the average birth weight in the UK,
about eight pounds.
610
00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:20,120
He was under four pounds.
611
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:24,600
They handed me my son,
umbilical cord still attached,
612
00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:26,840
he fit in the palms of my hands.
613
00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:30,160
And it's very binary for men.
614
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:32,320
We don't have nine months
of pregnancy and hormones
615
00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:34,400
to get our head around
the idea of being parents.
616
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:36,440
We're not, and then suddenly we are.
617
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:39,320
Suddenly, there's something
in the world more important than us,
618
00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:42,120
and it needs looking after,
and that's our job.
619
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:46,960
And my first job as a parent,
first thing I ever had to do for my boy,
620
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:49,280
was to find him something to wear.
621
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:56,520
Because in the aforementioned go bag,
I brought babygrows for a full-term baby,
622
00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:58,640
'cause that's what
everyone thinks they're gonna get.
623
00:39:58,640 --> 00:40:00,240
Life doesn't always work out that way.
624
00:40:00,240 --> 00:40:02,520
So we had this little premature baby
to take care of,
625
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:04,560
so the nurses told me where to go.
626
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:06,920
There's a clothing store,
they've got everything for kids,
627
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:09,280
about three blocks from the hospital,
got everything,
628
00:40:09,280 --> 00:40:11,760
and they've got this section
of stuff for premature babies.
629
00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:14,560
Now, I'd never seen the babygrows
for a premature baby.
630
00:40:14,560 --> 00:40:17,120
If you've not seen them,
they're heartbreakers.
631
00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:19,080
You can't believe a human being
632
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:22,800
could fit into something
so fragile and delicate and tiny.
633
00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:24,240
They're like dolls' clothes.
634
00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:27,600
So I rushed in there,
I picked up what they had in his size,
635
00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:29,520
they had three in his size,
so I grabbed them
636
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:30,960
and I took them up to the counter.
637
00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:34,200
And this lovely lady behind the counter
said, "Do you want the coat hangers?"
638
00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:36,000
I said,
"I think it's a bit late for that."
639
00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:40,600
Oh, the relief!
640
00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:47,840
I'd been a dad about 90 minutes,
I thought, "This changes nothing!"
641
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,600
It's a genuinely true story.
The look on her face...
642
00:40:58,240 --> 00:41:01,360
And then I did want the coat hangers,
and she didn't want to give 'em to me.
643
00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:11,080
My girlfriend put me on the spot recently.
She said, "What are my ten best features?"
644
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:12,720
I said, "I like your optimism."
645
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:18,000
"Ten? Wind your fucking neck in, love."
646
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:21,360
"I couldn't name three. I'm still here."
647
00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,840
Who's engaged to be married?
Is anyone here engaged?
648
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,680
You-- You guys are engaged, down here.
Fab. What's your name, sir?
649
00:41:28,680 --> 00:41:29,840
- Chris.
- Chris.
650
00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:31,800
- Uh, and you're from...
- 'Stralia.
651
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:33,560
'Stralia. Which bit of 'Stralia?
652
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:35,920
- Sydney.
- Sydney. We've heard of it.
653
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:37,640
I love it. Okay, and you're from...
654
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:39,800
- Here.
- From here. What's your name, madam?
655
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:41,680
- Leann.
- Hey, Leann. Hey, Chris.
656
00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:42,800
Well, congratulations.
657
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:45,200
What was the proposal like?
That's always my question.
658
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:47,920
Because there's the middle class
and the working class.
659
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:50,400
Those are the two... Are you all familiar?
660
00:41:50,400 --> 00:41:51,680
I'll-- I'll go through it.
661
00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:55,720
Okay, so your middle-class proposal,
it's-- it's your classic, your cliché,
662
00:41:55,720 --> 00:41:57,160
the man goes down on one knee,
663
00:41:57,160 --> 00:41:59,440
he's got the ring in a box,
opens the ring box,
664
00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:02,040
diamond glimmers in her eyes,
places the ring on her finger.
665
00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:05,440
She knows what's going on.
She's no dummy. But he says it anyway.
666
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:08,400
"Will you make me the happiest man
in the world and be my wife?"
667
00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:12,120
She cries, he cries,
there's often a snot bubble.
668
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:13,520
It's a very emotional day.
669
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:16,240
And then there's a photo shoot
670
00:42:16,240 --> 00:42:18,440
with her finger
so it doesn't look fat in the photo...
671
00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:21,560
...that must be sent
to everyone she's ever fucking met.
672
00:42:21,560 --> 00:42:23,840
That's your classic middle-class proposal.
673
00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:26,600
It's a cliché, but it's a cliché
'cause it works for people.
674
00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:28,880
And that's as distinct
from the working-class proposal.
675
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:29,800
Little bit different.
676
00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:33,120
That's where the woman--
Not the man, thank you very much.
677
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:34,280
...where the woman
678
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:35,800
pisses on a stick.
679
00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:45,160
"We're getting married."
680
00:42:53,720 --> 00:42:54,920
Which-- Which one was it?
681
00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:56,240
The last one.
682
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,640
The last one. Yeah, well, that's--
There's no shame in it.
683
00:42:59,240 --> 00:43:01,120
Double congratulations, guys.
684
00:43:01,720 --> 00:43:03,680
Well, fair enough.
He's from-- He's from Australia.
685
00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:04,920
It's considered posh there
686
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:07,080
if your baby's tattoos
are spelled correctly.
687
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:13,080
Who's in this situation?
Who's in a long-term relationship,
688
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:14,680
but he's not asked yet?
689
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:20,240
Well, the-- there's a big one there.
Which-- Which guy?
690
00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:23,440
- This guy. How long you been together?
Ten and a half years.
691
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:25,520
Ten and a half years, okay.
What's your name, madam?
692
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:27,320
- Daniela.
- Daniela. Hi, Daniela.
693
00:43:27,320 --> 00:43:28,640
- Hi.
- And what's your name, sir?
694
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:30,160
- Louie.
- Louie.
695
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:32,800
Daniela, do you wanna know why
Louie hasn't asked you to marry him?
696
00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:35,240
'Cause I could tell you.
I can see it from here.
697
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:41,960
And the irony's gonna kill you, Daniela,
698
00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:44,400
'cause the reason
he's not gonna ask you to marry him
699
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:46,640
is the same reason that you love that man.
700
00:43:46,640 --> 00:43:51,600
I say "man." I should say "boy,"
because there's a child in those eyes.
701
00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:55,800
You're a dreamer, aren't you, Louie?
He's a dreamer, Daniela.
702
00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:59,480
He's a dreamer,
and he thinks one day he could do better.
703
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:11,960
But I don't want you to worry.
704
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,640
'Cause one day,
he will give up and settle.
705
00:44:22,720 --> 00:44:25,480
My point, ladies,
is proposals are not romantic.
706
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:27,520
There's a reason
men propose on their knees.
707
00:44:27,520 --> 00:44:28,960
They've fucking given up.
708
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:34,920
I don't really understand
mother-in-law jokes.
709
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:37,640
I've never really got
what mother-in-law jokes are meant to be,
710
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:39,640
because, really,
what is your mother-in-law?
711
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:42,680
When you think about it,
gentlemen, it's Christmas Future.
712
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:45,720
Yeah. Let that sink in.
713
00:44:46,640 --> 00:44:49,360
Your mother-in-law,
that's what you've got in the post.
714
00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:53,320
So you guys are getting married, right?
715
00:44:53,320 --> 00:44:54,720
- Have you met her mum?
- Yes.
716
00:44:54,720 --> 00:44:56,960
You have? Okay.
So if you picture her mum now,
717
00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:58,080
in your mind's eye,
718
00:44:58,080 --> 00:45:01,600
if you can't imagine yourself
hanging out the back of it...
719
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,960
...then I don't think this relationship
really has a future, so...
720
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,920
Here's my question to you,
and I hate to put you on the spot.
721
00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:14,400
Would you fuck her mum?
722
00:45:17,240 --> 00:45:19,200
I'm gonna need an answer on this.
723
00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:21,320
A yes or a no. It's gotta be yes or no.
724
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:24,320
- Yes.
- You're saying yes. Just...
725
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:27,440
It's the right answer.
726
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:33,640
I realize that might feel
slightly uncomfortable,
727
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:36,120
but that's the right answer.
That means he loves you for reals.
728
00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:38,200
'Cause-- I'll explain what's going on.
729
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:40,840
You're marrying this beautiful woman.
You're a beautiful woman...
730
00:45:40,840 --> 00:45:41,760
now.
731
00:45:43,520 --> 00:45:46,560
But you're gonna morph into your mum
over the next 25 years.
732
00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:49,280
There's nothing we can do about that.
That is just nature.
733
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:52,280
And your mum is,
let's assume, a fucking state.
734
00:45:57,640 --> 00:45:59,000
Some offense.
735
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:03,560
But at no point
is he going to look at you and go,
736
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:06,080
"Ooh, no, I'd be thumbing in a softie.
I'm out."
737
00:46:06,080 --> 00:46:08,560
- This is--
738
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:10,120
This is actually very romantic.
739
00:46:10,120 --> 00:46:12,240
Maybe-- I don't know
if you're writing your own vows,
740
00:46:12,240 --> 00:46:14,560
but maybe we could
work this into your big day.
741
00:46:15,240 --> 00:46:17,560
At some point, he could clink a glass...
742
00:46:18,200 --> 00:46:20,600
"Do I love her?
I'll say. I'd fuck her mum."
743
00:46:32,640 --> 00:46:37,160
Now, have we got young men in,
18, 19 years of age, out with family?
744
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:39,000
- That's what we're looking for.
Yeah.
745
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:40,680
- What's your name, man?
Jacob.
746
00:46:40,680 --> 00:46:42,680
- Who are you here with?
My dad.
747
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,000
- Your dad?
Yeah.
748
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:46,240
- What age are you, Jacob?
Nineteen.
749
00:46:46,240 --> 00:46:48,120
Nineteen. Jacob.
750
00:46:49,480 --> 00:46:51,600
All right, Jacob.
Look, I'll explain what's going on.
751
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:54,320
So... women, very good at communicating,
752
00:46:54,320 --> 00:46:56,640
not just with each other, intergenerationally.
753
00:46:56,640 --> 00:46:58,800
Women talk to girls,
let them know what's up,
754
00:46:58,800 --> 00:47:01,640
and that's why girls
are not fucking dummies.
755
00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:04,480
- Young men could be fucking dummies.
756
00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:07,240
It's not your fault, Jacob.
It's our fault, it's society's fault.
757
00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:09,480
There's not enough sex education
for young men.
758
00:47:09,480 --> 00:47:11,000
Well, that changes now.
759
00:47:13,200 --> 00:47:15,840
Jacob, we're gonna have the talk.
760
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:19,120
- Have you had the talk with your dad?
761
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:21,240
No.
762
00:47:24,040 --> 00:47:26,840
Well, don't worry, Jacob.
I'm your daddy now.
763
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:33,520
The reason I wanted to talk to you,
there've been some exciting developments
764
00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:34,560
in dating, Jacob.
765
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:36,880
Consent has become very popular.
766
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:41,800
Oh, consent is all the rage these days.
767
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:44,200
It's the new fingerblasting, Jacob.
768
00:47:46,400 --> 00:47:47,920
Are you familiar with the shocker?
769
00:47:49,240 --> 00:47:51,480
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
That's how that works.
770
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:54,160
- You're right. He’s only young.
771
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:55,960
Two in the goo, one in the poo.
There, fine.
772
00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:03,520
Here's everything you need to know
about consent, young Padawan.
773
00:48:04,440 --> 00:48:08,520
Consent is a one-use deal.
One consent per action. Yeah?
774
00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:11,320
So a thumbs-up to "May I kiss you?"
775
00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:16,800
cannot, will not, ever give you
blanket cover for the evening, Jacob.
776
00:48:16,800 --> 00:48:20,440
You can't then assume the fucking
and the anal and the facial.
777
00:48:20,440 --> 00:48:22,960
- No, Jacob. No.
778
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:25,960
One consent per action.
779
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:28,160
Think of it like condoms. One use only.
780
00:48:29,520 --> 00:48:32,720
Sure, a young lady might tell you
she cares deeply about the environment,
781
00:48:32,720 --> 00:48:35,200
but you should see her face
when you're rinsing out a condom.
782
00:48:38,440 --> 00:48:41,960
Even Greta Thunberg would say,
"No, no, throw a fresh one up me."
783
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:48,920
Well, let me ask
the grown men in the room.
784
00:48:48,920 --> 00:48:50,800
Who thinks it ruins the romance
785
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:53,560
to ask for consent
at every stage of a sexual encounter?
786
00:48:54,400 --> 00:48:55,400
Yeah.
787
00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:56,880
Well, you may be rapists.
788
00:49:00,120 --> 00:49:02,120
Not good role models for you, Jacob.
789
00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:05,800
His idea of safe sex
is wearing a balaclava.
790
00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:11,080
He thinks foreplay's an uncovered drink.
791
00:49:13,440 --> 00:49:16,160
His favorite chat-up line is,
"Does anyone know you're here?"
792
00:49:18,720 --> 00:49:21,560
But you, you know, you're 19.
793
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:23,440
We can mold you, as from clay,
794
00:49:23,440 --> 00:49:25,960
into the man we want to see in the future.
This is exciting.
795
00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:28,400
Here's the key thing.
Communication, Jacob.
796
00:49:28,400 --> 00:49:30,720
Talk to the girl that you're with.
797
00:49:30,720 --> 00:49:33,440
Fuck being embarrassed. Fuck being shy.
798
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:34,440
Talk to the girl.
799
00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:36,600
- That's it. It's that simple.
800
00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:41,840
Ask her, "Do you mind
if I touch you there?"
801
00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:43,600
"Is it okay if we try this?"
802
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:44,640
"Is it in yet?"
803
00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:50,800
And really, I think we need
to rebrand consent for men of your age,
804
00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:52,120
because for young men,
805
00:49:52,120 --> 00:49:55,480
consent sounds like the boring bit
before the fun happens.
806
00:49:55,480 --> 00:49:58,560
It's the paperwork
before you get your hands on the jet ski.
807
00:49:59,440 --> 00:50:01,840
That analogy works best
if she's a squirter.
808
00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:05,880
Ask your mum.
809
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:18,000
But consent can be half the fun,
810
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:21,360
because really, consent,
all it is is dirty talk done right.
811
00:50:22,160 --> 00:50:24,640
"But how do I do dirty talk right, Jimmy?"
812
00:50:24,640 --> 00:50:26,720
Great question, Jacob. I'll tell you.
813
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:31,240
Three elements
to getting dirty talk right.
814
00:50:31,240 --> 00:50:35,640
Element one, right, uh, say what you see.
Check everyone is on the same page.
815
00:50:35,640 --> 00:50:37,480
"I'm hard. You're wet."
816
00:50:37,480 --> 00:50:40,240
Stating the obvious
like a sexual Rain Man.
817
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:45,640
Stage two, say what you want to happen.
818
00:50:45,640 --> 00:50:48,560
Nine times out of ten,
it's gonna be, "I wanna fuck you."
819
00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:51,360
You'd struggle to mess it up, Jacob.
You're a bright boy.
820
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:55,200
Stage three...
821
00:50:56,360 --> 00:50:59,040
...ask questions. And here's
the great news, there's no bad questions.
822
00:50:59,040 --> 00:51:01,920
Ask what you want.
"Do you want a thumb in your bum?"
823
00:51:03,240 --> 00:51:06,080
"Will you put your thumb in my bum?"
It's all good.
824
00:51:07,560 --> 00:51:10,120
Let's talk about enthusiastic consent.
825
00:51:10,120 --> 00:51:12,880
Jacob, have you heard the phrase,
"Enthusiastic consent"?
826
00:51:12,880 --> 00:51:15,000
- No, I haven't.
- Okay. Well, it's a great idea.
827
00:51:15,000 --> 00:51:16,880
It's a bad expression. I don't love it.
828
00:51:16,880 --> 00:51:19,880
"Enthusiastic consent" makes it sound
like she's gotta make a banner
829
00:51:19,880 --> 00:51:21,520
saying, "Fuck me, Jacob,"
830
00:51:21,520 --> 00:51:24,320
dressed as a cheerleader
with the pom-poms and the dancing.
831
00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:26,360
That'd be lovely. Not necessary.
832
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:30,360
All enthusiastic consent means
is what she says and her body language
833
00:51:30,360 --> 00:51:33,720
need to match up perfectly.
It needs to make sense.
834
00:51:33,720 --> 00:51:35,400
So no means no. You know that?
835
00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:37,040
Of course you do.
836
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:39,400
Yes does not always mean yes.
I'll explain.
837
00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:43,320
So if a girl says yes to sex with you,
but she says it through gritted teeth,
838
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:45,320
like she's in a fucking horror movie...
839
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:49,040
"Yes, Jacob. I want you to fuck me."
840
00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:52,520
Don't.
841
00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:56,440
If a girl says yes to sex with you
but she's physically tensing,
842
00:51:56,440 --> 00:51:59,280
like something's going to hit her
in the stomach, don't fuck her.
843
00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:01,800
Great rule of thumb for you,
if she's stiffer than your dick,
844
00:52:01,800 --> 00:52:02,720
don't fuck her.
845
00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:09,840
Okay, well, look, we've covered
the basics. You seem like a bright boy.
846
00:52:09,840 --> 00:52:12,280
- Should we take it up a gear?
Yeah.
847
00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:15,560
Jacob, do you know how to tell
when a woman is ovulating?
848
00:52:16,760 --> 00:52:19,400
Yeah, that's women giggling,
and men going, "What?"
849
00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:24,840
You can tell when a woman is ovulating,
'cause when a woman is ovulating, Jacob,
850
00:52:24,840 --> 00:52:26,120
she'll fuck you.
851
00:52:29,160 --> 00:52:32,000
All the women in here know.
There are women in here right now
852
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:35,360
with men they wouldn't have looked at
twice anywhere else in their cycle.
853
00:52:35,360 --> 00:52:37,160
They were ovulating, so they fucked him.
854
00:52:38,440 --> 00:52:40,240
The funny thing is
there are men in this room
855
00:52:40,240 --> 00:52:42,000
that think they seduced that woman.
856
00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:45,280
No. She was ovulating.
She would have fucked anyone that night.
857
00:52:46,840 --> 00:52:49,800
Basically, when she's ovulating,
her pussy is eating her thigh.
858
00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:02,200
I don't do many impersonations.
859
00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:04,480
I do a very passable ravenous vagina.
860
00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:10,840
And look, I know
this might seem patronizing.
861
00:53:10,840 --> 00:53:12,360
You're-- You're 19, I'm 50.
862
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:14,800
I'm talking down to you
literally and metaphorically,
863
00:53:14,800 --> 00:53:16,600
but I want you
to get something out of this,
864
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:19,520
so I'm gonna share
with you now the best advice I've ever had
865
00:53:19,520 --> 00:53:21,840
on women, dating, and relationships.
866
00:53:21,840 --> 00:53:24,880
This is wisdom
passed down through the ages.
867
00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:27,880
You thought you're seeing
a comedy show with your dad.
868
00:53:27,880 --> 00:53:31,240
It's bigger than that, Jacob.
Tonight-- Tonight, you become a man.
869
00:53:33,040 --> 00:53:35,200
This is some fucking Lion King shit.
870
00:53:36,520 --> 00:53:37,600
You ready, Jacob?
871
00:53:37,600 --> 00:53:39,000
- Yes.
Okay.
872
00:53:39,000 --> 00:53:41,920
If you live by this,
I think you're gonna do all right.
873
00:53:45,120 --> 00:53:46,080
You ready?
874
00:53:47,800 --> 00:53:49,720
Don't stick your dick in crazy.
875
00:53:54,440 --> 00:53:56,720
That's it. That's it.
876
00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:02,720
If you meet a girl, Jacob,
doesn't matter how attractive she is,
877
00:54:03,320 --> 00:54:06,800
if she seems a bit mental,
don't stick your dick in it.
878
00:54:08,720 --> 00:54:11,680
I want you to view that woman
as you would a food blender.
879
00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:14,840
Have you got a food blender in the house?
880
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:17,640
Of course you have.
You ever put your dick in it? No.
881
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:19,480
Real smart. Same-same.
882
00:54:21,040 --> 00:54:24,320
Don't stick your dick in crazy.
And look, you might be a dreamer.
883
00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:26,520
I don't know, Jacob.
You might be thinking even now,
884
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:28,560
"Yeah, but what if it's a supermodel
from Paris?"
885
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:31,520
Well, if it is, and she's talking to you,
she's definitely fucking mental.
886
00:54:35,440 --> 00:54:37,960
All right, quick pop quiz for Jacob.
Let's see where he's at.
887
00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:42,920
You're gonna do fine, Jacob.
888
00:54:43,720 --> 00:54:46,800
Are you aware, Jacob,
there are different types of consent?
889
00:54:46,800 --> 00:54:48,600
Sure, yeah.
890
00:54:50,080 --> 00:54:51,480
Talk us through them, Jacob.
891
00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:57,320
That's a little bonus lesson
for you, Jacob.
892
00:54:57,320 --> 00:54:59,120
Don't bullshit a bullshitter, kid.
893
00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:02,160
I'll walk you through this.
894
00:55:02,160 --> 00:55:04,400
So, you've got--
You've got consent to fuck.
895
00:55:04,400 --> 00:55:07,800
That's the big one.
The headline act. "Consent to fuck."
896
00:55:07,800 --> 00:55:11,320
That gets all the attention, Jacob,
but there's other consents.
897
00:55:11,320 --> 00:55:13,600
There's consent
to get your dick out, Jacob.
898
00:55:20,360 --> 00:55:22,360
When's a good time
to get your dick out, Jacob?
899
00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:25,280
I'll tell you what.
900
00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:27,120
Let's workshop this.
901
00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:34,040
Yeah, let's gamify it.
We're laughing and we're learning.
902
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:35,120
What fun we're having.
903
00:55:35,120 --> 00:55:37,160
I'm gonna give you some scenarios,
904
00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:39,680
right, you've just gotta
tell me yes or no.
905
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:42,320
Is it a good time to get your dick out?
You up for this, Jacob?
906
00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:44,320
Give him some encouragement.
It's Jacob, everyone.
907
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:46,560
- That's right.
908
00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:49,240
That's right. Good on you. Now...
909
00:55:50,640 --> 00:55:53,200
So, first scenario, Jacob.
You've asked a girl out on a date.
910
00:55:53,200 --> 00:55:54,840
She's agreed to go on a date with you.
911
00:55:54,840 --> 00:55:57,160
And why wouldn't she,
you fucking dreamboat?
912
00:55:58,280 --> 00:56:01,080
You pick her up at hers at seven
in the evening, you ring the doorbell.
913
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:02,160
Ding-dong.
914
00:56:02,160 --> 00:56:04,360
She answers the door.
She's all dressed up for the date.
915
00:56:04,360 --> 00:56:06,880
You're stood there, dick out, ding-dong.
916
00:56:08,320 --> 00:56:10,760
Let her see
what you've got in store for her.
917
00:56:10,760 --> 00:56:13,720
Pointless wasting her time if she doesn't
like the look of the merchandise.
918
00:56:13,720 --> 00:56:15,800
- What do you think, Jacob. Yes or no?
- That's a no.
919
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:18,840
-"That's a no" is the right answer!
920
00:56:18,840 --> 00:56:19,920
Perfect. One for one.
921
00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:24,120
Second scenario, right.
You're having dinner with the girl.
922
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:26,680
It's going great,
the conversation is flowing easily.
923
00:56:26,680 --> 00:56:28,800
You're laughing at her jokes,
she's laughing at yours.
924
00:56:28,800 --> 00:56:30,360
There's a bit of chemistry in the air.
925
00:56:30,360 --> 00:56:33,800
You say, "Look, enjoy dessert,
but leave room for this sweet dick."
926
00:56:37,760 --> 00:56:39,600
What do you think, Jacob? Yes or no?
927
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:41,480
Maybe.
928
00:56:59,800 --> 00:57:02,000
That was a fucking lay-up, kid. That was...
929
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:03,560
"Maybe"?
930
00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:07,600
You're in a restaurant...
931
00:57:09,120 --> 00:57:11,680
In a public place. There's food around.
932
00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:16,880
- Yes or no, Jacob?
- Okay, no.
933
00:57:16,880 --> 00:57:18,080
Is the right answer.
934
00:57:22,200 --> 00:57:23,040
Now...
935
00:57:24,320 --> 00:57:25,160
Third scenario.
936
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:28,840
You're back at hers.
There's no one else in the house.
937
00:57:28,840 --> 00:57:32,680
You're on the sofa, making out,
kissing and a-cuddling.
938
00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:34,000
You've got her top off.
939
00:57:37,240 --> 00:57:39,440
Sidebar, you make the noise in your head.
940
00:57:43,160 --> 00:57:45,040
Well, if I don't tell him, who will?
941
00:57:46,400 --> 00:57:49,440
I feel like I've solved a mystery there
for quite a lot of the ladies.
942
00:57:49,960 --> 00:57:53,120
You've always wondered what that
gormless expression on his face was
943
00:57:53,120 --> 00:57:56,240
when he was honking away
on your tits.
944
00:57:56,920 --> 00:57:59,040
Clown horn in his head.
It takes concentration.
945
00:57:59,040 --> 00:58:01,760
- All right, Jacob.
946
00:58:01,760 --> 00:58:03,880
So you're making out with her,
you've got her top off,
947
00:58:03,880 --> 00:58:06,600
she's wetter than a submarine
with a screen door. Oh!
948
00:58:08,320 --> 00:58:10,480
Oh, it's like an otter's pocket.
949
00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:14,840
Wetter than a penguin on a Slip 'N Slide.
950
00:58:14,840 --> 00:58:17,120
- What do you think, Jacob?
951
00:58:17,120 --> 00:58:18,920
- Good time to get your dick out?
- Yes.
952
00:58:18,920 --> 00:58:20,600
No, Jacob! No!
953
00:58:20,600 --> 00:58:22,800
Bad boy! Dirty boy!
954
00:58:22,800 --> 00:58:24,800
No! Don't get your dick out!
955
00:58:24,800 --> 00:58:27,520
Don't get your dick out!
956
00:58:27,520 --> 00:58:29,360
Never get-- Look at me!
957
00:58:29,360 --> 00:58:31,560
Don't get your dick out! Bad boy!
958
00:58:31,560 --> 00:58:32,960
Dirty boy!
959
00:58:32,960 --> 00:58:36,000
Don't get your dick out!
960
00:58:36,000 --> 00:58:38,440
Never get your dick--
961
00:58:38,440 --> 00:58:39,960
Never get your dick out!
962
00:58:39,960 --> 00:58:42,160
Don't get your dick out!
963
00:58:42,160 --> 00:58:44,520
Never get your dick out, Jacob!
964
00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:46,880
Let her get your dick out.
965
00:58:48,520 --> 00:58:51,040
Then you're gold. Then you're gold!
966
00:58:54,960 --> 00:58:58,360
Thank you so much for being out.
I really appreciate everyone.
967
00:58:58,360 --> 00:59:01,160
That's it. Thank you very much, everyone!
Cheers. Good night!
968
00:59:01,640 --> 00:59:04,080
Thank you very much.
It's very sweet of you. Cheers.
969
00:59:04,080 --> 00:59:06,000
Thanks for coming out, everyone. Cheers.
970
00:59:07,480 --> 00:59:08,520
Hey!
971
00:59:10,520 --> 00:59:12,200
Take care. Safe home. Good night.