1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:08,091
Voicemail again?

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:08,591 --> 00:00:10,176
Yo, Che!

5
00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:13,805
What they doing out here, man?

6
00:00:14,472 --> 00:00:17,934
People out here doing specials,
they just up there, just talking.

7
00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:21,271
[sighs] What they doing up there?

8
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:26,025
Like, they don't even make their specials
special no more.

9
00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:29,612
You talking more like, that night,
like the leather suit special.

10
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:32,157
Remember when they used to do that
back in the day?

11
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:33,575
Remember when they came out,

12
00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:37,704
they knew it would be their night,
or some kind of extraness?

13
00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:40,915
Yo, these dudes going on stage
but they ain't saying nothing.

14
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:45,170
You gotta say something that matters, Che,
like what's going on, man.

15
00:00:45,253 --> 00:00:47,088
And I like you did it in the right spot,

16
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,800
say it the way you wanna say it,
say it the way you feel, don't hold back.

17
00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:57,432
[cheering and applause]

18
00:00:57,515 --> 00:01:00,477
[plays drum solo]

19
00:01:01,978 --> 00:01:05,482
[band play heavy rock]

20
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,067
Ladies and gentlemen,

21
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,903
I need you to make some noise right now.

22
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:11,362
[cheering and applause]

23
00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:15,492
Give it up for Michael Che!

24
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:19,496
[cheering and applause]

25
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:28,087
Oh!

26
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:31,007
[cheering and applause]

27
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:34,844
Thank you!

28
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:38,056
[cheering and applause]

29
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,058
Thank you so much!

30
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,893
Holy shit!

31
00:01:41,976 --> 00:01:44,687
[cheering]

32
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,773
That makes me feel good.

33
00:01:46,856 --> 00:01:48,274
[laughter]

34
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:49,651
I had a rough day.

35
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:52,112
That made me feel better.

36
00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:53,238
[laughter]

37
00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:55,824
I had a homeless guy
call me a nigger on the train.

38
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:58,326
[laughter]

39
00:01:58,409 --> 00:02:01,788
I let him because he was homeless
and I thought that was the rule.

40
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:02,956
[laughter]

41
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:06,709
I thought you're supposed to let homeless
people say whatever the fuck they want

42
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,837
then just act like you don't see them.

43
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,421
[laughter]

44
00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:12,382
Fuck you. That's just me, really?

45
00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:15,677
When a homeless guy
gets on a train and yells awful shit,

46
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:20,223
I turn into one of those British guards,
I stand still and look straight ahead,

47
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:23,810
"Say whatever you want, homeless man.
You can never break me."

48
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:24,811
[laughter]

49
00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:27,355
"Just don't touch me with anything wet."

50
00:02:27,438 --> 00:02:29,774
[laughter]

51
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,235
I'm not...

52
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,654
trying to be insensitive.

53
00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:37,365
I gave a homeless dude $20,
I didn't even want to.

54
00:02:37,448 --> 00:02:39,492
[laughter]

55
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:43,746
I wanted to give him money. You ever see
somebody and just wanna help them out?

56
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,499
I just wanted to help this guy out,
so I walked up to him

57
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,167
and I reached in my pocket,

58
00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,753
but I felt I had one bill in my pocket,

59
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:53,464
and I pulled the bill out
and I saw it was a 20...

60
00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:56,259
[laughter]

61
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,261
...and he saw it was a 20...

62
00:02:58,344 --> 00:02:59,721
[laughter]

63
00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:03,224
I was like, "I can't blue-ball this guy,
I gotta give him the whole..."

64
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:06,895
You can't just walk up
to homeless people and be like,

65
00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:10,398
"Oh, no! Not for you, dude.

66
00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:13,318
I almost gave that bum 20 whole dollars.

67
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:15,528
Let me go to the store
and buy something I don't need

68
00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:17,572
to make change suitable for your life.

69
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:21,242
Maybe I'll buy a $3 Snapple
and dump half of it out...

70
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,745
as to not waste any money."

71
00:03:23,828 --> 00:03:24,704
[laughter]

72
00:03:24,787 --> 00:03:27,206
I didn't do it. He's a human being,
so I gave him $20.

73
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:30,793
And he was happy to get it. First he was
confused. He was like, "Are you sure?"

74
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,253
[laughter]

75
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:36,049
I was like, "Of course I'm sure.
You're a human being. You deserve this."

76
00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:37,926
He said, "God bless you, brother."

77
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:40,136
I was like,
"Hey, it's the least I could do."

78
00:03:40,803 --> 00:03:43,181
He was like, "Can I get a hug?"
and I was like, "No."

79
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:45,600
[laughter]

80
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,397
I said, "I'll shake your hand."

81
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:53,900
He shook my hand and it was soaking wet.

82
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,111
[laughter]

83
00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:59,864
-I was furious.
-[laughter]

84
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:01,991
I wanted to hit him
but I was afraid to make a fist.

85
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,953
I didn't wanna activate
whatever liquid was on my hand.

86
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,249
I just stared at it.
I was like, "Please don't dry sticky."

87
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:12,543
[laughter]

88
00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:14,295
He called me a nigger.

89
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:15,838
[laughter]

90
00:04:17,131 --> 00:04:19,592
The N word's a tricky word, you know?

91
00:04:20,301 --> 00:04:23,554
I told a joke about the N word
at another show.

92
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:26,975
The crowd got real quiet,
like it just did.

93
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:30,186
[laughter]

94
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:35,483
I felt bad so I tried to do crowd work to
loosen them up, make them have fun again.

95
00:04:35,566 --> 00:04:38,736
And it worked. People had a good time,
forgot what I was talking about.

96
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:40,780
I forgot what I was talking about.

97
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:43,700
Then I go,
"What was I just talking about?"

98
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,452
and this white lady in the back
yells out, "Niggers!"

99
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,413
[laughter]

100
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,541
[laughs]

101
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:54,669
You laugh at that shit
but that other audience did not.

102
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,170
[laughter]

103
00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:57,964
They were horrified!

104
00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:01,843
They gasped! They were like, "Hit her!"
I was like, "I'm not gonna hit her."

105
00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:03,386
[laughter]

106
00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:06,848
"She's 100 percent correct.
That's exactly what I was talking about."

107
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:09,183
[laughter]

108
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,270
I didn't say, "We were playing basketball.
What was I talking about?"

109
00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:13,938
"Niggers!" It wasn't that.

110
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,273
[laughter]

111
00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:18,693
It was also the way she said it, too,
because she wasn't like, "Niggers!"

112
00:05:18,776 --> 00:05:20,820
she was like, "Niggers! Oh, God."

113
00:05:20,903 --> 00:05:23,531
[laughter]

114
00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:27,493
She clearly wasn't being racist,
she just wanted to hear the punch line.

115
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,287
[laughter]

116
00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:31,998
I couldn't be upset with her for that,
you know?

117
00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:33,875
I couldn't be upset with her.

118
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:37,170
If it was a white guy,
maybe I would've been more upset.

119
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:41,049
Only because it puts
a lot of pressure on me as a black dude.

120
00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,176
I don't know if you know this or not,

121
00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:45,887
but if a white guy says the N word
and I hear it,

122
00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:47,472
it means I gotta fight him.

123
00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:49,015
[laughter]

124
00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:51,768
Even if I'm not that upset,
I gotta fucking fight him.

125
00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:54,896
It's in the black dude contract
for some reason.

126
00:05:54,979 --> 00:05:56,272
[laughter]

127
00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:58,441
And I gotta win the fight!

128
00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:00,985
[laughter]

129
00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:03,654
Because if I lose,
that means he gets to say it again.

130
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,907
[laughter]

131
00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:07,992
I gotta go tell people that shit.

132
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,202
[laughter]

133
00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:11,704
I can't be like,
"This white dude called me a nigger."

134
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:15,666
"What did you do?" "Well, then I got
my ass kicked for 15 minutes."

135
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:18,503
[laughter]

136
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:23,049
"Then he yelled it again and rode off
on a Citi Bike. It was embarrassing."

137
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,968
[laughter]

138
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:32,266
That's just the whitest vehicle
I could think of, a Citi Bike.

139
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:33,684
[laughter and applause]

140
00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:35,520
I don't know why.

141
00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:38,606
[cheering and applause]

142
00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:41,859
I don't know the answer to that question
a lot of white people ask,

143
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:45,363
"When can you say it, when can you
not say it?" I don't fucking know.

144
00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:47,698
"Can I say it?" I don't know, try it.

145
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:50,952
[laughter]

146
00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:55,456
I don't believe that every white person
that's ever said the N word is a racist.

147
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:59,085
I don't know.
Maybe you just like music, I don't know.

148
00:06:59,168 --> 00:07:01,337
[laughter]

149
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:04,674
You can't just be a racist.
You gotta earn racism for me.

150
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:08,719
This is how I feel. You can't just
say nigger. You gotta earn racism.

151
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:12,056
I had a white girl call me a nigger
in an argument and I didn't even get mad

152
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:15,935
because I've known this girl for 20 years.
And she can't be a racist.

153
00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:18,104
Because she's got low self-esteem.

154
00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:21,023
[laughter]

155
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:24,819
You can't think you better than niggers
if you don't believe in yourself.

156
00:07:24,902 --> 00:07:26,446
[laughter and applause]

157
00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,406
Sorry.

158
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:33,327
Do you know what kind of self-confidence
you gotta have to be a supremacist?

159
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:34,704
[laughter]

160
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,373
You think Hitler had body image issues?
No, man!

161
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,332
[laughter]

162
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:41,210
The motherfucker believed in himself.
He had goals.

163
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,838
[laughter]

164
00:07:43,921 --> 00:07:45,882
Say what you will about Hitler...

165
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:49,760
[laughter and applause]

166
00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:56,142
That might be the name of this special.
Say What You Will About Hitler.

167
00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:58,895
[laughter]

168
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,942
I don't like when white people ask me
can they say the word?

169
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:06,611
It makes me, you know...

170
00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:09,197
Any time a white guy asks me
if they can say the N word,

171
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:13,075
it feels like an alcoholic asking
if they can have a sip of my drink.

172
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,494
[laughter]

173
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:18,331
It's probably harmless but it's
a slippery slope that I don't wanna be...

174
00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:19,332
[laughter]

175
00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:21,584
I don't wanna be responsible for that.

176
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,211
[laughter]

177
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:26,881
I don't understand why white people
can't just accept the fact

178
00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:29,342
that there's just some shit you can't say.

179
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:32,386
As a black guy,
I know there's shit that I can't say.

180
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,305
Like "screwed the pooch."

181
00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:37,850
[laughter]

182
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:43,231
I don't feel comfortable saying that shit
right now and this is my special.

183
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:44,774
[laughter]

184
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:48,277
I didn't even know that was an actual
saying. Have you ever heard that before?

185
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,948
I didn't know that was a real saying.
The first time I heard it, I was at work

186
00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:54,325
and these interns were bringing us coffee.

187
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:58,412
And they brought me the wrong coffee.

188
00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:01,457
And I was like,
"Hey, man, I didn't order this coffee."

189
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:05,711
And he goes, "I'm sorry about that, Che,
I really screwed the pooch on that one."

190
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:08,005
[laughter]

191
00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:10,883
And I said, "What was that?"

192
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,218
[laughter]

193
00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:14,470
And he goes, "It means I made a mistake,"

194
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,931
and I was like,
"No, man, it means you fucked a dog."

195
00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:18,849
[laughter and applause]

196
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:22,478
"You should probably stop saying that shit
in a workplace environment."

197
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,693
Turns out this is a very popular phrase
that white people just use all the time.

198
00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:30,361
[laughter]

199
00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:33,531
Which leads me to believe
that somebody fucked a dog one time...

200
00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:34,574
[laughter]

201
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:38,327
...and just kept comparing it
to every mistake anybody else has made...

202
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,704
[laughter]

203
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:43,416
..until that shit stuck as something
normal to drop into conversation.

204
00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,793
"You messed up the coffee?
Now who fucks dogs?"

205
00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:49,130
"Still you, dude. You're still
the only guy that does that shit."

206
00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:50,965
[laughter]

207
00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:53,593
"I'm just saying, you messed up
the coffee, I fucked your dog,

208
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,595
people make mistakes, man."

209
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:58,889
[laughter]

210
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:01,642
"You ask me,
we both shit the bed on that one.

211
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,688
Also, I shit in your bed.
That's another normal thing people do."

212
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:06,897
[laughter]

213
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,859
I like to start with race stuff
because I feel like right now

214
00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:11,819
there's a lot of tension.

215
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:16,991
Blacks and cops aren't getting along.
I don't know if you've seen the news

216
00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:18,909
in the past 400 years, but...

217
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:21,120
[laughter]

218
00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:24,540
[applause]

219
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,375
I don't know if you've seen it.

220
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:30,087
[cheering and applause]

221
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,340
Apparently we've hit a rough patch.

222
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:35,217
[laughter]

223
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,345
My brother's a cop, actually.

224
00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:39,597
I don't fuck with him.

225
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,891
[laughter]

226
00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:45,770
I love him! I love him.
I don't fuck with him.

227
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:47,772
Not right now. It's too hot.

228
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:50,316
[laughter]

229
00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:52,568
I only see him Thanksgiving.

230
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,613
And even then, I'm like,
"I'm reaching for the potatoes."

231
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,657
[laughter]

232
00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,242
He hates that shit.
He doesn't find it funny at all.

233
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,203
I think it's hysterical!

234
00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:04,997
[laughter]

235
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,586
We can't agree on anything any more.

236
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:15,549
As a country, we just can't agree.
We just fight about everything.

237
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,928
We can't even agree on Black Lives Matter.

238
00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:21,597
That's a controversial statement.

239
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,891
Black lives matter.

240
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,895
Not matters more than you, just matters.

241
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:29,772
[laughter]

242
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:31,315
Matters.

243
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:32,358
[laughter]

244
00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:34,110
Just matters.

245
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:36,570
[laughter]

246
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:39,323
That's where we're starting
the negotiations.

247
00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:41,450
[laughter]

248
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:42,993
Matters.

249
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:47,540
We can't agree on that shit?
What the fuck is less than matters?

250
00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:48,582
[laughter]

251
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,460
Black lives exist? Can we say that?
Can we say...

252
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:52,711
[laughter]

253
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,588
Is that controversial?

254
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:59,593
We always ask for
the lowest common denominator.

255
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:02,388
We ask for the lowest rights.

256
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,599
Gays are fighting for equal rights.

257
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:09,645
Equal rights. That's... Can you believe
that's an actual stance you can have?

258
00:12:09,728 --> 00:12:12,022
You can be for equal rights?

259
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:14,483
There's people saying,

260
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,279
"I think everybody should have
the same rights as everyone else."

261
00:12:18,362 --> 00:12:19,947
And there's other people like,

262
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:22,032
"No, son, I disagree."

263
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:23,868
[laughter]

264
00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:25,744
I" just don't think so."

265
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:30,249
Black people was fighting
for civil rights. Not even equal.

266
00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:31,667
[laughter]

267
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:33,461
Just civil.

268
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:34,545
[laughter]

269
00:12:34,628 --> 00:12:38,299
"Can we get civil? I'll take civil rights.

270
00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:40,259
Just be civil."

271
00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:44,221
[cheering and applause]

272
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,142
"We just want civil. Can we get civil?

273
00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,311
Turn the fucking hose off.
Can we just get..."

274
00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:53,230
[laughter]

275
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,608
They don't tell you
black lives don't matter.

276
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:58,277
That's not what they say.
That's not the argument.

277
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,196
They hit you with that slick shit.

278
00:13:00,779 --> 00:13:03,073
Like, "Well, all lives matter."

279
00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:05,993
Really? Semantics?

280
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:07,244
[laughter]

281
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:11,207
That would be like if your wife came up
to you and was like, "Do you love me?"

282
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:14,793
and you were like, "Baby, I love
everybody. What you talking about?"

283
00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:17,630
[laughter and applause]

284
00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:20,883
[cheering and applause]

285
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:23,928
"I love all God's creatures.
What are you saying?

286
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,430
You're no different."

287
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:27,598
[laughter]

288
00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:30,601
Why do black people always have to
get over shit so quickly?

289
00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:31,769
[single person applauds]

290
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:33,562
Thanks, black lady.

291
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,398
[laughter and applause]

292
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:40,861
Right? Why do we always gotta get over
shit? Every time we bring some shit up.

293
00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:45,074
Slavery. "Oh, that was 400 years ago."

294
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:46,909
[laughter]

295
00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:50,996
Segregation. "Oh, you guys got
Black History Month out of it. Come on.

296
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:54,208
-We gave you February."
-[laughter]

297
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:57,711
Police shooting. "That was two weeks.
Come on, you still..."

298
00:13:57,795 --> 00:14:00,673
[laughter]

299
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:02,967
9/11. "Oh, never forget."

300
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,594
[laughter]

301
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,973
[cheering and applause]

302
00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:13,227
That's why this September, I'm getting a
T-shirt that says, "All Buildings Matter."

303
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:15,437
And I'm gonna see how that works.

304
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,940
[laughter and applause]

305
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:20,985
-No? You want one?
-[cheering and applause]

306
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:22,987
I'll get you one.

307
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:25,573
[cheering and applause]

308
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,741
It's a crazy time to do comedy even.

309
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:29,910
There's too much shit going on.

310
00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:32,997
Blacks are getting shot.

311
00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:35,457
Cops are getting shot.

312
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,335
Gorillas are getting shot.

313
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:41,171
[laughter]

314
00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:45,759
Fuck that gorilla.

315
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:49,179
[laughter and applause]

316
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:52,808
I don't give a fuck about that gorilla.

317
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,519
I would've shot that gorilla
after I saved the baby.

318
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:56,562
[laughter]

319
00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:59,440
Just so other gorillas know
that I mean business.

320
00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:01,358
[laughter]

321
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:04,236
I don't give a fuck
about Cecil the gorilla.

322
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,905
[laughter]

323
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:09,074
-I know his name's not Cecil.
-[laughter]

324
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:12,369
I just refuse to learn his name
on account that he's a gorilla.

325
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,079
[laughter]

326
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,206
His gorilla parents didn't name him that,

327
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,667
some goofy white lady in cargo shorts did.

328
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:21,045
[laughter]

329
00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:24,089
And I refuse to play along
with her sick fantasy...

330
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:27,134
where gorillas have people names.

331
00:15:27,217 --> 00:15:28,677
[laughter]

332
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:32,264
I'm looking at the audience, I know a lot
of people aren't coming with me on this.

333
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,683
[laughter]

334
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,852
You don't give a fuck about gorillas,
do you?

335
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,854
You're like, "I kinda do."

336
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:39,897
[laughter]

337
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:43,734
You don't. Why are you pretending
to give a fuck about gorillas?

338
00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:45,903
You don't care about gorillas.

339
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,614
-You don't.
-[laughter]

340
00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:50,824
You do? You don't.

341
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,326
[laughter]

342
00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:54,036
I bet you you don't!

343
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:57,915
If every gorilla on the planet
just vanished tomorrow,

344
00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:01,835
just vanished
in some weird gorilla rapture...

345
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:04,046
[laughter]

346
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,382
...just all at the same time,
no gorillas exist,

347
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,717
and nobody on the news reported it,

348
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,762
how long before you'd notice?

349
00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:14,056
[laughter]

350
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:16,475
[applause]

351
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:18,060
Never?

352
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:21,772
[applause]

353
00:16:21,855 --> 00:16:24,733
-Nobody gives a fuck about gorillas.
-[laughter]

354
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:28,195
And you shouldn't, because
there's real shit to give a fuck about.

355
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:30,739
There's shit happening to people.

356
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,200
That's when I'll give a fuck
about a gorilla.

357
00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:37,371
When I see a gorilla holding a sign that
says, "Black lives matter," then maybe...

358
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,540
[laughter]

359
00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:41,667
There's real shit going on!

360
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:46,088
Not just blacks.
Gays are getting shot in nightclubs.

361
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,091
By the Orlando ISIS.

362
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:51,468
[laughter]

363
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:54,847
I didn't come... That's what
they called them, the Orlando ISIS.

364
00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:58,684
I know it sounds like a WNBA team,
but it's a real fucking thing, and they...

365
00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:01,770
[laughter and applause]

366
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,358
Last night, the New York Liberty lost...

367
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:10,404
[laughs] ...67 to 52 to the Orlando ISIS.

368
00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:13,157
[laughter]

369
00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:17,286
As fucked up as that was,
it did bring to light

370
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,747
a lot of issues that we needed to discuss.

371
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:21,165
Right?

372
00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:23,667
Big issues, like gun control.

373
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,128
I don't know a lot about gun control.

374
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:28,172
I live in New York City.

375
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:29,965
We got bodegas.

376
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,383
[laughter]

377
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:34,303
When I'm hungry,
I don't gotta dress up like a tree

378
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,430
and sneak up on a deer.

379
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:39,850
Get a whistle and seduce a duck.
I don't gotta do that shit.

380
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:41,852
[laughter]

381
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:43,645
I don't gotta hunt.

382
00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:46,565
[laughter]

383
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:48,525
We got Pizza Hut and shit.

384
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,611
[laughter]

385
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:52,946
Gun rights are in the Constitution.

386
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,533
Or as I call it,
the list of white guy perks.

387
00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:59,119
[laughter]

388
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:03,248
[applause]

389
00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:06,668
Don't get uncomfortable,
you know who the fuck that list was for.

390
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:11,048
The Constitution is white FUBU.
For you, by you.

391
00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:13,550
[laughter]

392
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:16,261
[applause]

393
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:21,558
But gun rights are there, number two.
Number two on the list.

394
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:26,980
Guns. Which makes sense that
it's number two. It should be number two.

395
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,649
Because if number one is,

396
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:31,735
"I believe I should be able to say
whatever the fuck I want"...

397
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:36,073
number two definitely has to be,
"I probably need a gun, too."

398
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:38,700
[laughter]

399
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:41,203
[cheering and applause]

400
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:42,329
Right?

401
00:18:42,412 --> 00:18:44,289
[cheering and applause]

402
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:45,791
Probably, right?

403
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:48,502
[applause]

404
00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,712
Gun control, I don't know. It's tricky.

405
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:57,010
Do I think you have the right
to buy a pistol to... defend your family?

406
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:59,888
Sure. I can understand that.

407
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:03,392
Do I think you need an AR-15?
Seems excessive.

408
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:04,518
[laughter]

409
00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:06,770
I can't think of a reason
why a regular person

410
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:11,400
should just be able to purchase
an assault rifle.

411
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:15,362
The only reason for a person
to be able to purchase an assault rifle

412
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:18,073
is if maybe
you've gotta discipline a gorilla.

413
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,076
[laughter]

414
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:26,248
Gorillas don't matter. I don't care.
That's just how I feel.

415
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:27,749
[laughter and applause]

416
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:31,378
Not just gun control.
Not just gun control.

417
00:19:31,461 --> 00:19:33,380
It brought up a lot of other shit, too.

418
00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:35,632
Homophobia. Hm?

419
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:41,346
A lot of homophobia in this country
that needs to be addressed.

420
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,182
Let's do it right now.

421
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:46,393
[laughter]

422
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,479
I'm not homophobic. I don't...

423
00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:53,609
I'm not homophobic but I don't judge
people... that are homophobic

424
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,404
because I don't know your life,
I can't tell you what to be afraid of.

425
00:19:57,487 --> 00:20:01,658
Maybe you got some real spooky gay guys in
your neighborhood that I don't know about.

426
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:02,826
[laughter]

427
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,913
Maybe you had a gay ghost
hide in your closet when you was a kid

428
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:09,458
and he'd... jump out and tickle you.
I don't know what you went through.

429
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:10,500
[laughter]

430
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,252
It's none of my business.

431
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:14,546
[laughter]

432
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:18,342
I don't know exactly what gay guys do.

433
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,678
-I haven't read the brochure.
-[laughter]

434
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,181
But tickling's gotta be
the scariest of them.

435
00:20:24,264 --> 00:20:25,182
[laughter]

436
00:20:25,265 --> 00:20:27,976
If I had any fears,
it would be a gay guy tickling me.

437
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,605
Because if you tickle me, I'm gonna laugh.

438
00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:33,523
[laughter]

439
00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:36,109
Now how am I supposed to tell you
I don't like it?

440
00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:38,737
[laughter]

441
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:42,074
And what if I do like it?
What does that mean? That we go together?

442
00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:43,867
[laughter]

443
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,911
We gotta go get gay married?

444
00:20:45,994 --> 00:20:49,164
[laughter]

445
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,667
I gotta explain to our son how we met.

446
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,336
"Dad, how did you meet Dad?"

447
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:58,340
"Well, I was sitting at the bar
mad straight and..."

448
00:20:58,423 --> 00:20:59,508
[laughter]

449
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:01,718
"I was straight as fuck, for real."

450
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:02,886
[laughter]

451
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:06,848
"All of a sudden, your dad came up behind
me and was like, 'coochie-coochie-coo!'

452
00:21:07,474 --> 00:21:09,643
And then my dick moved
and now you're here."

453
00:21:09,726 --> 00:21:12,104
[laughter]

454
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:14,856
"That's the story of the birds
and the birds, son."

455
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:16,984
[laughter]

456
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:23,573
Is that homophobic? Maybe.

457
00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:27,369
Does that make me a homophobe?
I don't know. I don't think so.

458
00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:33,750
I think we're all, as adults, we all have
little things that we've gotta get over.

459
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,837
You might not be homophobic,
you might not be racist,

460
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,965
but maybe you've got
some fucked-up views on something,

461
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:43,260
and if you're not honest about it,
how are you ever gonna get better?

462
00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:46,805
If I'm not able to say an honest thing,

463
00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,890
how am I supposed to get past that?

464
00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:52,519
Like, I just recently stopped
using the word tranny.

465
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:57,899
Because a trans friend of mine...
told me how much it hurt.

466
00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:02,029
She was like, "That really bothers me when
you say that. It's a very hurtful term."

467
00:22:02,612 --> 00:22:04,364
And I was like, "What?"

468
00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:05,449
[laughter]

469
00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:09,411
"Tranny? How the fuck is tranny hurtful?
I just added a Y."

470
00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:11,079
[laughter]

471
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:13,498
"It's a fucking Y.
What's so hurtful about a Y?"

472
00:22:14,541 --> 00:22:17,627
And she was like, "Well, how would you
like it if I called you blacky?"

473
00:22:17,711 --> 00:22:21,673
[laughter and applause]

474
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,387
Well played, tranny, well played.
That's...

475
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,264
pretty good.

476
00:22:29,347 --> 00:22:30,724
[applause]

477
00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:32,476
Pretty good.

478
00:22:34,561 --> 00:22:36,146
[laughs]

479
00:22:36,229 --> 00:22:38,982
I've been accused of being homophobic.
I have.

480
00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:43,111
In an interview. Just for being honest.
You gotta stop accusing people...

481
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:46,198
just for being honest.

482
00:22:46,281 --> 00:22:49,326
That's a teaching moment. You know what
I'm saying? You could school me.

483
00:22:49,409 --> 00:22:52,913
Don't just call me something just because
I said some shit you didn't like.

484
00:22:52,996 --> 00:22:56,083
That's all I'm trying to say.
I've been accused.

485
00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:59,920
In an interview, somebody asked me,
what would I do if I had a gay son,

486
00:23:00,003 --> 00:23:01,588
and I just answered honestly.

487
00:23:01,671 --> 00:23:05,133
I was like,
"If I had a gay son, I'd probably be sad.

488
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:08,261
But I'd also be sad
if I had a straight daughter.

489
00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:10,347
I just don't want anybody to fuck my kid.

490
00:23:10,430 --> 00:23:14,059
[laughter and applause]

491
00:23:14,142 --> 00:23:17,145
I just don't want my kid penetrated,
boy or girl. I don't...

492
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:20,732
[applause]

493
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:23,652
I don't want some dude
showing up at my house in a tuxedo like,

494
00:23:23,735 --> 00:23:26,905
'I'm here to fuck your son
and I brought him this corsage.'"

495
00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:30,951
[laughter]

496
00:23:31,034 --> 00:23:35,914
I don't even have any kids because
I'm mad pro-choice, but if I did and...

497
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:39,334
[laughter and applause]

498
00:23:40,627 --> 00:23:43,588
You gotta do more than march sometimes.
I don't have any kids.

499
00:23:44,339 --> 00:23:47,384
But if I was a father,
I'd feel like every man instinctively...

500
00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:52,472
just has this need to protect
their family... from dicks.

501
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:55,183
[laughter]

502
00:23:56,935 --> 00:24:00,438
Boy, girl, doesn't matter, you just gotta
keep dicks away from your...

503
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:04,067
Instinctively, I just wanna
keep dicks away from my family.

504
00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:08,530
The longer I can keep dicks out of my
family, I feel like the better dad I am.

505
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:09,489
[laughter]

506
00:24:09,573 --> 00:24:13,160
Is that weird? I feel that way. I feel
like I'm gonna be that kind of parent.

507
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:16,913
My daughter asks me,
"Dad, can I go to the party?"

508
00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:19,082
I'm like,
"Is there gonna be dicks at that party?"

509
00:24:19,166 --> 00:24:21,334
[laughter]

510
00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:23,461
I see any locked doors...

511
00:24:24,379 --> 00:24:26,923
I'm like,
"What y'all doing? Any dicks down there?"

512
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:27,841
[laughter]

513
00:24:27,924 --> 00:24:30,677
"No, Dad, we're just doing drugs."
"All right, cool."

514
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,346
[laughter]

515
00:24:33,430 --> 00:24:35,307
"What kind of drugs?"
"Weed."

516
00:24:35,390 --> 00:24:37,309
"All right. No crack."

517
00:24:37,392 --> 00:24:38,894
[laughter]

518
00:24:38,977 --> 00:24:40,937
"I know, Dad."
"Why?"

519
00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:44,524
"Because crack leads to sucking dick."

520
00:24:44,608 --> 00:24:48,195
"That's right, crack leads to sucking
dick. No dicks in this family."

521
00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:52,449
[cheering and applause]

522
00:24:52,532 --> 00:24:53,783
No?

523
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:57,454
I don't know where that comes from,
that's just how I feel.

524
00:24:57,537 --> 00:25:00,540
But I can be honest about it.
Somebody else might feel that way

525
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:02,584
and go see a therapist. Me, I'm here.

526
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:03,585
[laughter]

527
00:25:03,668 --> 00:25:06,504
You know what I'm saying?
I don't know where it comes from.

528
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:09,382
Maybe religion.
If I had to guess, I'd say religion.

529
00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:11,509
I'm not a religious guy.

530
00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:14,262
I believe in God,
I just don't like to bother him.

531
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:16,097
[laughter]

532
00:25:16,181 --> 00:25:19,684
I only talk to God when I've got tough
questions, like "Why are we here?"

533
00:25:19,768 --> 00:25:23,104
or "How we gonna get rid of this baby?"
It's never anything more...

534
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:25,815
[laughter]

535
00:25:27,108 --> 00:25:29,736
I'm mad pro-choice. I'm mad pro-choice.

536
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,364
[laughter]

537
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:35,158
-[laughs]
-[laughter]

538
00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:36,826
Are you miked?

539
00:25:36,910 --> 00:25:40,163
-[laughter]
-[laughs]

540
00:25:40,247 --> 00:25:43,333
I don't wanna any offend Christians.
Are there any Christians here?

541
00:25:43,416 --> 00:25:46,086
Anybody Christian? Christian. Yeah?

542
00:25:47,504 --> 00:25:50,674
My mother's a Christian.
My mother's a very religious woman.

543
00:25:51,883 --> 00:25:54,219
She used to take me to church
all the time.

544
00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:57,597
It was cool.

545
00:25:58,223 --> 00:26:00,183
I just couldn't buy in.

546
00:26:01,393 --> 00:26:04,813
I'd go in that church, I'd see
that big old picture of white Jesus.

547
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:07,274
I was like, "Nope."

548
00:26:07,357 --> 00:26:10,402
[laughter]

549
00:26:10,485 --> 00:26:13,321
I just never believed Jesus was white.
Never.

550
00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:16,783
Why? First clue, his name's Jesus.

551
00:26:16,866 --> 00:26:21,663
[laughter]

552
00:26:21,746 --> 00:26:24,457
When have you ever met a white guy
named Jesus before?

553
00:26:25,208 --> 00:26:28,503
In the history of the world,
there's never been another white Jesus.

554
00:26:28,586 --> 00:26:30,964
That doesn't strike you
as a little fucking odd?

555
00:26:31,047 --> 00:26:32,924
[laughter]

556
00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:36,219
You're a white guy, right?
What's your white name?

557
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:38,596
-[laughter]
-Huh?

558
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:39,723
Nick?

559
00:26:39,806 --> 00:26:43,226
[laughter]

560
00:26:43,310 --> 00:26:45,937
Nick, if your white friend said,
"I'm having a baby,"

561
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:48,815
and you said, "What you gonna name him?"
and he said, "Jesus,"

562
00:26:48,898 --> 00:26:51,359
you'd be like,
"What the fuck is wrong with Bill?"

563
00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:53,862
[laughter]

564
00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:56,865
I just saw that picture,
I just couldn't believe it.

565
00:26:56,948 --> 00:26:58,867
Looking like Jeff Foxworthy.

566
00:26:58,950 --> 00:27:02,620
[laughter]

567
00:27:02,704 --> 00:27:06,875
If his name was Cody Christ, I'd be like,
"Maybe he looks like Jeff Foxworthy."

568
00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:09,544
Nobody named Jesus
looks like Jeff Foxworthy, Nick.

569
00:27:09,627 --> 00:27:11,421
[laughter]

570
00:27:11,504 --> 00:27:16,009
And all his friends
was named Peter and Paul and Matthew.

571
00:27:16,092 --> 00:27:17,969
Those are white guy names.

572
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,056
I think Jesus had a lot of white friends.

573
00:27:21,139 --> 00:27:22,057
[laughter]

574
00:27:22,140 --> 00:27:24,476
Probably why they sold him out.

575
00:27:24,559 --> 00:27:27,354
[laughter]

576
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:31,691
-[laughs]
-[cheering and applause]

577
00:27:35,362 --> 00:27:37,447
I think Joseph was definitely white.

578
00:27:38,323 --> 00:27:40,408
That's how he knew it wasn't his son.

579
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:43,453
[laughter]

580
00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:48,208
He's like, "Mary, where you get
this black-ass baby from?"

581
00:27:48,291 --> 00:27:50,335
[laughter]

582
00:27:50,418 --> 00:27:52,629
She was like, "God? I don't..."

583
00:27:52,712 --> 00:27:54,172
[laughter]

584
00:27:54,255 --> 00:27:56,341
"It's a miracle, yeah."

585
00:27:56,424 --> 00:27:59,302
[laughter]

586
00:27:59,386 --> 00:28:01,096
[applause]

587
00:28:03,098 --> 00:28:05,225
[laughs]

588
00:28:05,308 --> 00:28:07,185
I also think Jesus...

589
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:11,398
was black because they couldn't find
a place to stay.

590
00:28:11,481 --> 00:28:12,899
[laughter]

591
00:28:12,982 --> 00:28:15,527
They was like, "Y'all can come in,
but that nigger baby

592
00:28:15,610 --> 00:28:18,154
gotta sleep in that puppy bed outside."

593
00:28:18,238 --> 00:28:20,532
[laughs]

594
00:28:20,615 --> 00:28:25,620
"Keep him in that manger over there if
you... insist on having that black baby."

595
00:28:25,703 --> 00:28:27,288
[laughter]

596
00:28:27,372 --> 00:28:29,040
I" don't trust it."

597
00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:31,126
[laughs]

598
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:34,379
You understand what I'm saying, Nick,
right? I don't wanna be offensive.

599
00:28:34,462 --> 00:28:36,673
[laughter]

600
00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:39,884
Let me know when I go too far.
This shit's being taped.

601
00:28:39,968 --> 00:28:42,178
[laughter]

602
00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:43,179
All right?

603
00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:45,265
There's still states I haven't been to.

604
00:28:46,182 --> 00:28:48,351
I wanna make sure I can still go.

605
00:28:49,144 --> 00:28:51,104
-What's your name?
-Paul.

606
00:28:51,187 --> 00:28:52,230
Paul?

607
00:28:52,313 --> 00:28:54,107
[laughter]

608
00:28:54,190 --> 00:28:57,235
[cheering and applause]

609
00:29:00,864 --> 00:29:03,074
What are the fucking odds?

610
00:29:03,158 --> 00:29:05,452
[laughter]

611
00:29:05,535 --> 00:29:07,454
Black guy named Paul.

612
00:29:07,537 --> 00:29:08,663
[laughter]

613
00:29:08,747 --> 00:29:11,583
It sounds like an improv group.
A Black Guy Named Paul.

614
00:29:11,666 --> 00:29:14,502
-[laughter]
-[laughs]

615
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:16,880
It's not offensive, is it, Paul?

616
00:29:16,963 --> 00:29:19,007
I'm fair game, fair game?

617
00:29:20,008 --> 00:29:23,470
Because I do wanna be respectful.
Like I said, my family's Christian.

618
00:29:23,553 --> 00:29:25,305
Very Christian.

619
00:29:25,388 --> 00:29:27,098
I used to go to church.

620
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,350
Even though I didn't buy in,

621
00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:31,936
I still paid attention,
I still learned a lot.

622
00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:33,188
I did.

623
00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:35,774
I learned a lot about Jesus.

624
00:29:35,857 --> 00:29:38,693
One of my favorite things about Jesus,
you ask me, Paul?

625
00:29:38,777 --> 00:29:40,779
[laughter]

626
00:29:40,862 --> 00:29:44,908
I don't know if you noticed,
but Jesus... was a miracle-worker.

627
00:29:44,991 --> 00:29:46,618
Uh-huh!

628
00:29:46,701 --> 00:29:50,163
[laughter]

629
00:29:52,123 --> 00:29:55,168
Jesus was a miracle-worker.
He performed miracles.

630
00:29:55,251 --> 00:29:57,045
And...

631
00:29:57,796 --> 00:29:59,798
he studied carpentry.

632
00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:03,802
That's not funny?

633
00:30:03,885 --> 00:30:05,678
[laughter]

634
00:30:05,762 --> 00:30:08,598
He performed miracles...

635
00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:11,100
and...

636
00:30:11,184 --> 00:30:12,060
[laughter]

637
00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:14,521
...studied carpentry, Paul.

638
00:30:14,604 --> 00:30:16,856
[laughter]

639
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:19,317
Paul, do you know what carpentry is?

640
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:20,902
[laughter]

641
00:30:21,945 --> 00:30:24,823
-Why the fuck would you...
-[laughter]

642
00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:27,116
...study carpentry...

643
00:30:27,784 --> 00:30:29,869
if you can perform miracles?

644
00:30:29,953 --> 00:30:31,162
[laughter]

645
00:30:31,246 --> 00:30:34,207
That's a much less impressive skill.

646
00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:37,627
[laughter]

647
00:30:37,710 --> 00:30:41,631
How many times was Jesus's carpentry
teacher like, "This table's not level,"

648
00:30:41,714 --> 00:30:44,676
and he's like,
"All right, check it again, I'm Jesus"?

649
00:30:44,759 --> 00:30:45,635
[laughter]

650
00:30:45,718 --> 00:30:48,513
"I could make a table out of fish
if I wanted to.

651
00:30:48,596 --> 00:30:50,557
Do you know who you fucking with?"

652
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:52,600
[cheering and applause]

653
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,896
Also, nobody saved
any of Jesus's carpentry.

654
00:30:56,980 --> 00:30:59,899
[laughter]

655
00:31:00,817 --> 00:31:02,610
Nobody?

656
00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:05,446
There's no museum
where I can go check that shit out?

657
00:31:05,530 --> 00:31:07,782
Nobody thought that shit
might be valuable?

658
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:08,825
[laughter]

659
00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:12,453
"Hey, Fred, that's a nice armoire. Where
did you get it from?" "Jesus Christ."

660
00:31:12,537 --> 00:31:13,746
[laughter]

661
00:31:13,830 --> 00:31:15,790
"Heard of him?

662
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:18,418
He's that white guy
with that black guy name."

663
00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:21,379
[laughter]

664
00:31:21,462 --> 00:31:23,965
Paul, I think Jesus
was a shitty carpenter.

665
00:31:24,048 --> 00:31:25,967
[laughter]

666
00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:29,095
I think he was bad at carpentry
and they destroyed all his work

667
00:31:29,178 --> 00:31:31,347
because they knew we wouldn't respect him.

668
00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:34,309
[laughter]

669
00:31:34,392 --> 00:31:36,311
It's like, "Jesus died for your sins."

670
00:31:36,394 --> 00:31:38,897
"That motherfucker that sold me
that three-legged table?"

671
00:31:38,980 --> 00:31:41,983
[laughter]

672
00:31:42,066 --> 00:31:44,027
"I'm not following him nowhere."

673
00:31:45,153 --> 00:31:48,823
What if you found out IKEA died
for your sins? You'd be less...

674
00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:50,408
[laughter]

675
00:31:50,491 --> 00:31:52,368
It's not that impressive, is it?

676
00:31:53,786 --> 00:31:58,917
The only proof of Jesus's carpentry
is if maybe, in that Last Supper poster...

677
00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,753
he's showing off a table he just made.

678
00:32:01,836 --> 00:32:04,797
[laughter and applause]

679
00:32:04,881 --> 00:32:06,507
Not bad!

680
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:09,010
Not bad.

681
00:32:10,011 --> 00:32:13,014
Seats 13 on one side, huh?

682
00:32:13,097 --> 00:32:14,766
Who's buying?

683
00:32:14,849 --> 00:32:17,435
[applause]

684
00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:20,813
I didn't go too far, did I?

685
00:32:20,897 --> 00:32:22,523
Still with me, Paul?

686
00:32:22,607 --> 00:32:23,650
Good.

687
00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:26,361
Let me ask you one question, Paul.

688
00:32:26,444 --> 00:32:31,741
Think about it before you answer, don't
freak out, this is just... a question.

689
00:32:31,824 --> 00:32:34,577
You think when Jesus was on the cross,

690
00:32:34,661 --> 00:32:36,537
part of him was thinking,

691
00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:40,249
"This is a pretty good cross"? As a
carpenter. As a guy that works with wood.

692
00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:41,417
[laughter]

693
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:44,837
As a guy that works... No? As a craftsman?

694
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:47,215
"That's some sturdy shit.
Man, who built this?

695
00:32:47,298 --> 00:32:49,842
I'm gonna be up here a while.
Three days at least."

696
00:32:49,926 --> 00:32:51,761
No, never? Okay. Moving on.

697
00:32:51,844 --> 00:32:54,222
[laughter]

698
00:32:54,305 --> 00:32:58,101
I'm just fucking with you, Paul. I gotta
ask. I know a lot of Christians is like,

699
00:32:58,184 --> 00:33:00,144
"You gonna get struck by lightning."

700
00:33:00,228 --> 00:33:01,187
[laughter]

701
00:33:01,270 --> 00:33:03,606
Really? That's what's gonna set Jesus off?

702
00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:08,861
All the awful shit going on in the world,
nothing's happening about it.

703
00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:12,657
Meanwhile, Jesus is in the back like, "Who
the fuck is making fun of my carpentry?"

704
00:33:12,740 --> 00:33:13,825
[laughter]

705
00:33:13,908 --> 00:33:15,868
"I was a damn good carpenter!

706
00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:19,539
Oh, he gets all the lightning bolts.
That's priority number one."

707
00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:21,666
[cheering and applause]

708
00:33:21,749 --> 00:33:24,252
I don't know. I do wanna go to heaven.

709
00:33:25,795 --> 00:33:29,173
I wanna go to heaven
but I wanna, like, just make it.

710
00:33:29,257 --> 00:33:33,136
[laughter]

711
00:33:33,219 --> 00:33:34,929
I wanna just make it.

712
00:33:35,555 --> 00:33:39,100
I wanna go to heaven
like I wanna catch my flight, like just...

713
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:40,018
[laughter]

714
00:33:40,101 --> 00:33:42,353
No time to spare.

715
00:33:42,437 --> 00:33:43,646
[laughs]

716
00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:46,315
I want people to be like,
"How the fuck did you get in?"

717
00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:48,192
-"Just made it!"
-[laughter]

718
00:33:48,276 --> 00:33:50,445
I know,
I didn't think I was gonna make it,

719
00:33:50,528 --> 00:33:53,948
but I gave up that kidney
and... here I am."

720
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:55,283
[laughter]

721
00:33:55,366 --> 00:33:57,410
"Where the bitches at?" No...

722
00:33:57,493 --> 00:33:59,245
[laughter]

723
00:33:59,328 --> 00:34:02,415
I definitely don't wanna go to hell.
I don't wanna got to hell.

724
00:34:02,498 --> 00:34:05,835
I don't wanna go to hell, Paul.
I don't even know how hell works.

725
00:34:06,836 --> 00:34:09,589
I don't.
Because there's only one hell, right?

726
00:34:10,465 --> 00:34:12,425
There's only one hell.

727
00:34:12,508 --> 00:34:14,677
But how do you regulate who goes to hell?

728
00:34:15,428 --> 00:34:20,641
Because there's shit that was okay
a long time ago that's not okay now.

729
00:34:22,101 --> 00:34:25,313
And there's shit that's okay now
that wasn't okay a long time ago.

730
00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:27,607
But they all go to the same hell?

731
00:34:28,441 --> 00:34:30,443
That never made sense to me.

732
00:34:30,526 --> 00:34:31,986
You know what I'm saying?

733
00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:37,366
Like, that guy from the Orlando ISIS.
He's gonna go to hell.

734
00:34:38,117 --> 00:34:39,869
And he should.

735
00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:44,957
But he's also gonna meet somebody
that was alive at a time...

736
00:34:46,209 --> 00:34:48,211
when what he did was okay.

737
00:34:49,003 --> 00:34:52,006
He's gonna go there
and some dude from 500BC is gonna be like,

738
00:34:52,090 --> 00:34:55,426
"Why you in here, young blood?"
I don't know why they talk like that.

739
00:34:55,510 --> 00:34:57,136
I'm just guessing.

740
00:34:57,220 --> 00:34:58,930
[laughter]

741
00:34:59,013 --> 00:35:01,390
"Young blood, why you in here?"

742
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,017
"I killed a bunch of gay dudes."

743
00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:04,936
"You can't do that no more?"

744
00:35:05,019 --> 00:35:06,896
[laughter]

745
00:35:06,979 --> 00:35:10,149
"Damn! The world is crazy!"

746
00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:11,150
[laughter]

747
00:35:11,234 --> 00:35:14,362
"Well, what you in here for?"
"I ate a hamburger on a Saturday."

748
00:35:14,445 --> 00:35:17,365
You see what I'm saying?
They're in the same hell, though.

749
00:35:17,448 --> 00:35:18,825
[laughter and applause]

750
00:35:18,908 --> 00:35:20,785
That sound weird?

751
00:35:20,868 --> 00:35:23,830
[cheering and applause]

752
00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:25,498
Speaking of hell...

753
00:35:26,415 --> 00:35:29,085
Donald Trump's
making a strong campaign for...

754
00:35:29,168 --> 00:35:30,044
[laughter]

755
00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:33,923
For president, for president. Not hell.
He's making a strong campaign.

756
00:35:34,006 --> 00:35:37,009
[laughs]

757
00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:39,762
You're not gonna like this.

758
00:35:39,846 --> 00:35:42,014
[laughter]

759
00:35:43,182 --> 00:35:45,977
[laughter]

760
00:35:46,060 --> 00:35:48,855
I actually like Donald Trump,
to be honest with you.

761
00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:51,691
[jeering]

762
00:35:51,774 --> 00:35:53,401
Shut up.

763
00:35:53,484 --> 00:35:55,153
[laughter]

764
00:35:55,236 --> 00:35:56,863
Shut up.

765
00:35:57,989 --> 00:36:00,408
I don't think he should be president.

766
00:36:00,491 --> 00:36:03,578
I don't think Donald Trump
should be president, but I do think

767
00:36:03,661 --> 00:36:06,956
he's a real shitty guy, he's hilarious
and he should be my best friend.

768
00:36:07,039 --> 00:36:08,541
[laughter]

769
00:36:08,624 --> 00:36:11,085
-Is that okay?
-[cheering and applause]

770
00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:15,089
He shouldn't be president. He shouldn't
be president. But he's fucking funny.

771
00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:18,426
We gonna pretend he's not funny? Really?

772
00:36:19,343 --> 00:36:22,972
If Donald Trump showed up at the
after-party, I wouldn't be like, "Urgh."

773
00:36:23,055 --> 00:36:25,391
I'd be like,
"Oh, shit, Donald Trump's here!"

774
00:36:25,474 --> 00:36:27,977
[laughter and applause]

775
00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:30,479
I would be so pumped to see that guy.

776
00:36:31,647 --> 00:36:33,357
He shouldn't be president.

777
00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:37,904
Turns out I look for different things
in a best friend than I do a president.

778
00:36:37,987 --> 00:36:39,113
[laughter]

779
00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:41,157
If you can believe that.

780
00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:43,451
Like, I think Obama
was a fantastic president

781
00:36:43,534 --> 00:36:46,370
but I wouldn't wanna fucking hang out
with Barack Obama.

782
00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:49,165
[laughter]

783
00:36:49,248 --> 00:36:51,918
If I got drunk and told Obama
a dirty joke, he'd be like,

784
00:36:52,001 --> 00:36:56,005
"Michael, that's not how we talk about
women." Like, "Okay, dude. All right."

785
00:36:56,088 --> 00:36:58,257
[laughter and applause]

786
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:00,092
Fucking guy.

787
00:37:00,176 --> 00:37:03,763
I don't wanna hang out with him.
I wanna hang out with a piece of shit.

788
00:37:03,846 --> 00:37:05,723
I'd rather hang out with George Bush.

789
00:37:05,806 --> 00:37:09,477
If I told George Bush a dirty joke, he'd
be like, "God damn, them niggers funny."

790
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,939
[laughter and applause]

791
00:37:13,022 --> 00:37:14,607
"Tell Jeb."

792
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:18,277
And Clinton would be like,
"I got a better one."

793
00:37:18,361 --> 00:37:20,905
[laughter]

794
00:37:20,988 --> 00:37:23,157
That's who you wanna hang out with, right?

795
00:37:24,367 --> 00:37:27,411
Why are we pretending
we don't all have a Donald Trump friend?

796
00:37:27,495 --> 00:37:31,624
We all know that guy.
We all have that shitty, over-confident,

797
00:37:31,707 --> 00:37:35,044
quasi-racist, orange friend. We all do.

798
00:37:35,127 --> 00:37:37,338
[laughter]

799
00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:40,216
And we keep him around
because he's funny as fuck.

800
00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:44,345
He makes us laugh and he makes us
feel better about ourselves.

801
00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:45,846
[laughter]

802
00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:48,975
We just don't want him
too close to anything important.

803
00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:51,978
That's the only thing.
We keep him at a distance

804
00:37:52,061 --> 00:37:54,355
but not too close
to anything that's important.

805
00:37:54,438 --> 00:37:56,732
You know what it feels like,
Donald Trump's campaign?

806
00:37:56,816 --> 00:37:59,735
Like your shittiest friend came up to you
at a bar one day like,

807
00:37:59,819 --> 00:38:02,697
"Yo, man, I think I could fuck your mom."

808
00:38:03,572 --> 00:38:05,491
And then you found out he could.

809
00:38:05,574 --> 00:38:07,076
[laughter]

810
00:38:07,159 --> 00:38:09,161
It's not funny any more, is it?

811
00:38:09,245 --> 00:38:11,956
Now we gotta stop that guy
or he's gonna fuck Mommy.

812
00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:14,125
[laughter]

813
00:38:14,208 --> 00:38:16,711
I don't hate him.
I'm not gonna pretend to hate him.

814
00:38:18,504 --> 00:38:20,881
He just shouldn't be president.
Not right now.

815
00:38:21,674 --> 00:38:24,051
The country's in too rough of a point.

816
00:38:24,927 --> 00:38:27,096
-Never?
-Never!

817
00:38:27,179 --> 00:38:30,474
When we're doing really good,
I think maybe we should give him a year.

818
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:32,226
[laughter]

819
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:34,895
Just to let him fuck around,
just to see what he does.

820
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:38,399
You wouldn't wanna see it, just a year
of it, just to be like, "Ah..."?

821
00:38:38,482 --> 00:38:41,902
[laughter]

822
00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:43,988
When we're doing good, when it's safe.

823
00:38:44,864 --> 00:38:47,742
Like when you let a baby
drive a little bit, like...

824
00:38:47,825 --> 00:38:49,869
[laughter]

825
00:38:49,952 --> 00:38:52,496
Not on a mountain. Not on a mountain.
Just like...

826
00:38:53,164 --> 00:38:55,958
Like on a straight way,
you just let him... "Ahhh! Okay!"

827
00:38:56,042 --> 00:38:58,502
[laughter]

828
00:38:58,586 --> 00:38:59,545
No?

829
00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:03,466
All right,
I guess I'm just more fun than you.

830
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:06,093
[laughter]

831
00:39:06,177 --> 00:39:08,179
But I agree, right now is not the time.

832
00:39:08,262 --> 00:39:11,015
We need too much help, man.
People are out of work.

833
00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:13,100
This economy's fucked up.

834
00:39:13,184 --> 00:39:16,103
I do agree with them there,
the economy is fucked up.

835
00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:19,648
They say this economy's getting better,
but I don't believe that shit.

836
00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:22,943
Because they're starting
to legalize marijuana everywhere.

837
00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:25,529
-Yeah!
-Only when you're down to your last dollar

838
00:39:25,613 --> 00:39:29,784
do you start thinking, "Yo, we should just
start selling weed, because...

839
00:39:29,867 --> 00:39:31,535
I don't know..."

840
00:39:31,619 --> 00:39:32,995
[cheering and applause]

841
00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:36,040
I don't know how we're gonna come up
with China's money."

842
00:39:36,123 --> 00:39:39,460
[cheering and applause]

843
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:46,258
They're always trying to blame that shit
on us, too, like we fucked up the economy.

844
00:39:46,342 --> 00:39:49,553
I was watching the news, some lady
from the government was on there,

845
00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:53,891
she looked right in the camera and she
was like, "We owe China $11 trillion."

846
00:39:53,974 --> 00:39:55,726
I was like, "We?"

847
00:39:55,810 --> 00:39:58,813
[laughter]

848
00:39:58,896 --> 00:40:00,898
"I don't owe China shit."

849
00:40:00,981 --> 00:40:02,108
[laughter]

850
00:40:02,191 --> 00:40:04,360
"You owe China $11 trillion.

851
00:40:04,985 --> 00:40:07,113
We owe Sprint $90."

852
00:40:07,196 --> 00:40:10,533
[laughter and applause]

853
00:40:11,700 --> 00:40:14,954
"So you must've been roaming.
I don't know how the fuck you..."

854
00:40:15,037 --> 00:40:17,873
[laughter]

855
00:40:17,957 --> 00:40:20,751
I think Hilary Clinton will win
because she's a white lady.

856
00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:23,129
White women take
whatever the fuck they want.

857
00:40:23,212 --> 00:40:25,131
[laughter]

858
00:40:25,214 --> 00:40:27,550
They took Brooklyn.
I didn't see that shit coming.

859
00:40:27,633 --> 00:40:31,011
[laughter and applause]

860
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:37,059
Do you know how dangerous Brooklyn used
to be before white women took that shit?

861
00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:41,480
Brooklyn used to be the scariest place
in the world, man. I was terrified of it.

862
00:40:41,564 --> 00:40:45,025
I used to listen to rappers sing
about that shit. They were so proud.

863
00:40:45,109 --> 00:40:49,029
"Don't ever come to Brooklyn, I'll fucking
kill you if you ever walk through."

864
00:40:49,947 --> 00:40:53,075
I'm like, "This is a dope song
but I'm never going to Brooklyn."

865
00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:55,077
[laughter]

866
00:40:55,161 --> 00:40:56,996
I was terrified of Brooklyn.

867
00:40:57,079 --> 00:40:59,707
All of a sudden,
a bunch of rich white girls from Seattle

868
00:40:59,790 --> 00:41:02,585
was like, "Brooklyn's mines now,"
and then they just owned it.

869
00:41:02,668 --> 00:41:04,587
[laughter]

870
00:41:04,670 --> 00:41:07,882
Just took it. Just took
the scariest part of my childhood.

871
00:41:07,965 --> 00:41:10,050
I don't know how the fuck they did it.

872
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:13,179
I think white girls killed Biggie.
I think that was phase one.

873
00:41:13,262 --> 00:41:15,681
[laughter and applause]

874
00:41:15,764 --> 00:41:18,267
I think they shot Biggie
and took Brooklyn away.

875
00:41:19,643 --> 00:41:22,980
White women just take whatever
the fuck they want, man. I've seen it.

876
00:41:23,063 --> 00:41:25,399
You know what a white girl could do?

877
00:41:25,483 --> 00:41:28,152
A white girl could walk up to you drunk,

878
00:41:28,235 --> 00:41:31,739
she'll be drunk,
just walk right up to you at a bar

879
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:33,991
and just take your hat off your head...

880
00:41:34,074 --> 00:41:35,910
[laughter]

881
00:41:35,993 --> 00:41:38,704
-...put it on her head...
-[laughter]

882
00:41:38,787 --> 00:41:41,165
...and then just walk the fuck off
with your property.

883
00:41:41,248 --> 00:41:42,708
[laughter and applause]

884
00:41:42,791 --> 00:41:44,001
And that's...

885
00:41:44,084 --> 00:41:46,921
[applause]

886
00:41:47,004 --> 00:41:50,299
That's just how that shit went for you.
Nothing you could do about it.

887
00:41:50,382 --> 00:41:53,552
She needs your hat.
She needs your hat to dance.

888
00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,347
[laughter]

889
00:41:56,430 --> 00:41:59,433
White girls need hats to dance.

890
00:42:00,142 --> 00:42:01,936
They can't dance without a hat.

891
00:42:02,478 --> 00:42:06,106
They can't dance without a hat and they
can't dance with their mouth closed.

892
00:42:06,190 --> 00:42:08,192
It's just two things they can't do.

893
00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:10,986
[laughter]

894
00:42:11,070 --> 00:42:13,280
White girls don't close their mouth
when they dance.

895
00:42:14,156 --> 00:42:15,866
[laughter]

896
00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:18,786
White girls dance like they can't believe
their legs are doing it.

897
00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:22,456
[laughter]

898
00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:28,546
They take your hat.
They'll just take that shit.

899
00:42:28,629 --> 00:42:32,091
Doesn't matter how gangster
you think you are, they'll take that shit.

900
00:42:32,174 --> 00:42:34,927
Don't matter who you are.
Don't feel bad. Anybody.

901
00:42:35,010 --> 00:42:38,222
You ever seen a drunk white girl
dancing around in a cop's hat?

902
00:42:38,305 --> 00:42:41,100
You're like,
"How the fuck did you take a cop's hat?

903
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:43,686
He's got a gun.
How did you fucking take his hat?"

904
00:42:44,436 --> 00:42:46,564
Only white women get away with that shit.

905
00:42:46,647 --> 00:42:49,775
You ever seen a drunk black dude
dancing around in a cop's hat?

906
00:42:49,858 --> 00:42:53,028
[laughter]

907
00:42:54,697 --> 00:42:56,365
"It's my birthday!"

908
00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:58,993
[laughter]

909
00:42:59,076 --> 00:43:01,704
"I wanna get your hat,
my boy's getting married!"

910
00:43:01,787 --> 00:43:03,497
[laughter]

911
00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:06,834
[laughter and applause]

912
00:43:06,917 --> 00:43:10,129
We can't pull that off, man.
Black guys can't pull that off.

913
00:43:10,212 --> 00:43:12,047
We're not that fearless.

914
00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:16,176
We're a little fearless
but we're not white-girl fearless.

915
00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:19,805
White women are fearless.
They're not scared of shit.

916
00:43:19,888 --> 00:43:23,309
White women rescue pit bulls for fun.
They don't give a fuck about nothing.

917
00:43:23,392 --> 00:43:24,643
[laughter]

918
00:43:24,727 --> 00:43:26,645
Do you know how dangerous a pit bull is?

919
00:43:26,729 --> 00:43:30,774
If I seen a pit bull walk down the street,
I wouldn't walk down that street any more.

920
00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:33,611
A white girl would take that pit bull
home, put a sweater on it...

921
00:43:33,694 --> 00:43:36,155
[laughter]

922
00:43:37,448 --> 00:43:39,992
This dog used to win tournaments,
now his name's Nicole.

923
00:43:40,075 --> 00:43:41,535
[laughter]

924
00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:44,288
He's eating vegan treats
out of some white lady's hand.

925
00:43:44,371 --> 00:43:47,207
[laughter and applause]

926
00:43:48,208 --> 00:43:50,711
If I was president,
I'd have an all white girl army.

927
00:43:50,794 --> 00:43:52,796
That'd be my first line of defense.

928
00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:56,133
ISIS? Send white women.

929
00:43:56,216 --> 00:43:57,843
[laughter]

930
00:43:57,926 --> 00:44:00,596
I'd build a Trader Joe's
right in the middle of Syria.

931
00:44:00,679 --> 00:44:04,892
[laughter and applause]

932
00:44:04,975 --> 00:44:06,185
I would.

933
00:44:06,852 --> 00:44:09,229
Put up some Prosecco fountains.

934
00:44:09,313 --> 00:44:10,522
[laughter]

935
00:44:10,606 --> 00:44:13,651
Give me two summers, ISIS would be
the first terror organization

936
00:44:13,734 --> 00:44:15,736
forced out due to rent increase.

937
00:44:15,819 --> 00:44:19,073
[laughter]

938
00:44:19,156 --> 00:44:21,617
[cheering and applause]

939
00:44:21,700 --> 00:44:23,202
I'd do it.

940
00:44:23,285 --> 00:44:25,954
[cheering and applause]

941
00:44:26,038 --> 00:44:28,165
I'd gentrify the fuck out of ISIS.

942
00:44:28,874 --> 00:44:30,876
Like, "ISIS is mines now."

943
00:44:30,959 --> 00:44:33,837
[laughter]

944
00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:36,048
"I live in downtown Syria."

945
00:44:36,131 --> 00:44:39,009
[laughter]

946
00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:42,221
"Syria used to be sketchy,
but now it's pretty chill."

947
00:44:42,304 --> 00:44:43,597
[laughter]

948
00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:45,724
I" got to Soul Cycle there."

949
00:44:45,808 --> 00:44:47,893
[laughter]

950
00:44:47,976 --> 00:44:51,605
[cheering and applause]

951
00:44:54,441 --> 00:44:56,568
"Give me your hat, Abdul, I wanna dance."

952
00:44:56,652 --> 00:44:59,488
[laughter]

953
00:44:59,571 --> 00:45:03,617
I don't even know if white women know that
shit. Do you realize how powerful you are?

954
00:45:03,700 --> 00:45:05,119
You never think about that.

955
00:45:06,870 --> 00:45:10,374
You have the power
to gentrify a neighborhood.

956
00:45:11,208 --> 00:45:13,085
Do you know what the fuck that means?

957
00:45:13,168 --> 00:45:16,213
It means you can move into
the worst neighborhoods in the world

958
00:45:16,296 --> 00:45:20,300
and they will increase in value
just because of your presence.

959
00:45:20,884 --> 00:45:23,137
Do you know how rich I'd have to be

960
00:45:23,220 --> 00:45:25,389
to gentrify a white neighborhood?

961
00:45:25,472 --> 00:45:28,016
[laughter]

962
00:45:28,100 --> 00:45:30,686
Impossibly.
I'd have to be impossibly rich.

963
00:45:30,769 --> 00:45:33,730
My neighborhood got gentrified
by baristas.

964
00:45:34,898 --> 00:45:36,942
I'm richer than a barista.

965
00:45:37,025 --> 00:45:38,735
[laughter]

966
00:45:38,819 --> 00:45:42,614
I would love that. I would love to be able
to gentrify a white neighborhood.

967
00:45:42,698 --> 00:45:46,243
Just move in and have them
start building shit that I like.

968
00:45:46,326 --> 00:45:48,078
[laughter]

969
00:45:48,162 --> 00:45:50,622
Just start selling cigarettes
one at a time.

970
00:45:50,706 --> 00:45:53,792
[laughter and applause]

971
00:45:56,420 --> 00:45:59,256
Put bulletproof glass
in all the restaurants.

972
00:46:00,048 --> 00:46:03,177
A lot of white people don't know,
but that happens to black neighborhoods.

973
00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:04,219
[laughter]

974
00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:08,015
They put up bulletproof glass
in all our dining establishments.

975
00:46:08,682 --> 00:46:10,684
They feed us like they feed shark.

976
00:46:11,518 --> 00:46:13,729
"Ah, take that chicken. Agh!"

977
00:46:13,812 --> 00:46:17,149
[laughter and applause]

978
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:19,568
I grew up poor. I grew up very poor.

979
00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:21,361
I grew up in a bad neighborhood.

980
00:46:22,112 --> 00:46:24,114
My mother did she best she could, man.

981
00:46:25,032 --> 00:46:26,825
We was broke.

982
00:46:26,909 --> 00:46:28,911
She was proud.

983
00:46:28,994 --> 00:46:31,205
She would never tell us that we was poor.

984
00:46:32,539 --> 00:46:35,083
She would just make it seem like our fault

985
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:37,544
that we didn't get the shit
she couldn't afford.

986
00:46:37,628 --> 00:46:40,631
[laughter]

987
00:46:40,714 --> 00:46:42,633
Did anybody's parents do that shit?

988
00:46:43,258 --> 00:46:45,344
I'd get a bad report card
and she'd be like,

989
00:46:45,427 --> 00:46:47,930
"A D? Oh, you can forget about Christmas."

990
00:46:48,013 --> 00:46:50,766
[laughter and applause]

991
00:46:52,059 --> 00:46:54,853
"It's March! I think I got time to..."

992
00:46:55,687 --> 00:46:58,982
"Nope, no Christmas for you.
13 years in a row."

993
00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:00,692
Like, "God damn!"

994
00:47:00,776 --> 00:47:02,778
[laughter]

995
00:47:05,572 --> 00:47:08,951
Not any more. Now I've got a decent job.

996
00:47:09,034 --> 00:47:12,329
I live in a rich white neighborhood
called Harlem.

997
00:47:12,412 --> 00:47:15,791
[laughter]

998
00:47:15,874 --> 00:47:17,834
[applause]

999
00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:20,087
It's amazing! I've got a black doorman.

1000
00:47:21,213 --> 00:47:22,965
He's so proud of me.

1001
00:47:23,048 --> 00:47:25,175
[laughter]

1002
00:47:25,259 --> 00:47:27,719
He's an old black man.
He's so fucking proud of me.

1003
00:47:27,803 --> 00:47:29,972
When I walk in,
he stands up and slow claps me.

1004
00:47:30,055 --> 00:47:34,184
[laughter and applause]

1005
00:47:34,268 --> 00:47:36,436
One single Morgan Freeman tear, like...

1006
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:37,771
[laughter]

1007
00:47:37,854 --> 00:47:41,358
"You did it, young brother."
I'm like, "Yeah, I made rent again. Okay.

1008
00:47:41,441 --> 00:47:43,068
Thanks, Willy."

1009
00:47:43,151 --> 00:47:44,403
[laughter]

1010
00:47:44,486 --> 00:47:46,530
Remember that cat-calling video?

1011
00:47:47,656 --> 00:47:49,700
Remember that shit that went viral?

1012
00:47:49,783 --> 00:47:53,620
If you haven't seen it, there was this
white lady that videotaped herself...

1013
00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:56,665
walking through Harlem for ten hours.

1014
00:47:57,583 --> 00:48:02,462
She showed what happened. Black guys were
yelling awful shit at her, like, "Hi."

1015
00:48:02,546 --> 00:48:04,923
[laughter]

1016
00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:07,634
"Hello." Real nasty stuff. And, uh...

1017
00:48:07,718 --> 00:48:09,761
[laughter]

1018
00:48:09,845 --> 00:48:11,179
[laughs]

1019
00:48:11,263 --> 00:48:14,266
I made fun of it
because I'm from New York, like I said,

1020
00:48:14,349 --> 00:48:17,269
and I remember when Harlem was Harlem

1021
00:48:17,352 --> 00:48:20,397
and you couldn't walk there
for ten hours with a video camera...

1022
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:21,898
[laughter]

1023
00:48:21,982 --> 00:48:24,192
...and leave with your video camera.

1024
00:48:24,276 --> 00:48:26,361
[laughter and applause]

1025
00:48:26,445 --> 00:48:29,573
When she made it to the end of the video,
I was like, "Wow, progress!

1026
00:48:29,656 --> 00:48:31,366
Harlem's gotten a lot better!

1027
00:48:31,950 --> 00:48:34,745
White women are safe for up to ten hours.
That's amazing!"

1028
00:48:35,704 --> 00:48:39,166
Should start buying in Harlem.
I thought it was a tourism commercial.

1029
00:48:39,249 --> 00:48:41,793
[laughter]

1030
00:48:41,877 --> 00:48:43,503
I got in trouble.

1031
00:48:43,587 --> 00:48:46,715
I got in trouble for that shit.
People were very upset.

1032
00:48:47,841 --> 00:48:51,345
I became the poster child for cat-calling
for some reason.

1033
00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:54,181
Which is ridiculous
because I'd never cat-call.

1034
00:48:54,264 --> 00:48:57,476
I'd never cat-call.
I think cat-calling is the dumbest,

1035
00:48:57,559 --> 00:48:59,936
most humiliating thing in the world.

1036
00:49:00,020 --> 00:49:03,357
I hate it. I don't know
who has the stomach for it, honestly.

1037
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,400
It's really... It's awful.

1038
00:49:05,484 --> 00:49:08,403
Could you imagine?
Do you know what it feels like

1039
00:49:08,487 --> 00:49:10,614
to compliment a moving target?

1040
00:49:10,697 --> 00:49:12,699
[laughter]

1041
00:49:12,783 --> 00:49:15,494
How humiliating that feels?

1042
00:49:15,577 --> 00:49:19,039
"Ma'am, I just wanna tell you, you have
the most beautiful eyes I ever... Okay."

1043
00:49:19,122 --> 00:49:22,834
[laughter and applause]

1044
00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:26,755
[cheering and applause]

1045
00:49:26,838 --> 00:49:29,257
You let that shit happen to you
10 to 15 times a day,

1046
00:49:29,341 --> 00:49:32,928
you gonna start yelling, "Hey, titties!"
too. That's just frustrating.

1047
00:49:33,011 --> 00:49:33,887
[laughter]

1048
00:49:33,970 --> 00:49:36,640
After a while,
you just wanna know if your voice works.

1049
00:49:36,723 --> 00:49:39,601
[laughter]

1050
00:49:39,685 --> 00:49:43,563
I don't like cat-calling. I hate it.
I don't like the way it feels for me.

1051
00:49:44,147 --> 00:49:47,067
I don't like the way it makes women feel.
Women, you know...

1052
00:49:47,776 --> 00:49:50,112
are turned off by it. It's creepy to them.

1053
00:49:50,779 --> 00:49:54,616
It's fucking creepy. They'll tell you
when that shit's creepy, too.

1054
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,535
I hate to be called a creep.

1055
00:49:57,411 --> 00:50:00,539
You ever been called a creep, Paul?
Just for doing something creepy?

1056
00:50:01,748 --> 00:50:03,917
Never? You've never been called a creep?

1057
00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:07,546
You've never been on a train just staring
at some lady's sandals too long?

1058
00:50:07,629 --> 00:50:09,256
Nothing creepy ever?

1059
00:50:09,339 --> 00:50:10,799
[laughter]

1060
00:50:12,134 --> 00:50:15,762
Don't feel bad. If you have, don't feel
bad. There's nothing... I'm not...

1061
00:50:15,846 --> 00:50:18,056
I'm not trying to down creeps.
We need creeps.

1062
00:50:18,140 --> 00:50:20,642
I'm not gonna pretend
that creeps aren't important.

1063
00:50:20,726 --> 00:50:24,062
If it wasn't for creeps,
we wouldn't know that milk is delicious.

1064
00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:27,566
[laughter]

1065
00:50:29,776 --> 00:50:32,696
That's not some shit
you just stumble upon, all right?

1066
00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:37,701
Some creep was standing in the farm
watching some big-tittied cow walk by.

1067
00:50:37,784 --> 00:50:39,870
He was like, "God damn!"

1068
00:50:39,953 --> 00:50:43,081
[laughter]

1069
00:50:43,165 --> 00:50:45,625
"I don't know about you boys,
but I'm thirsty."

1070
00:50:45,709 --> 00:50:46,793
[laughter]

1071
00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:48,837
"I'm gonna suck that cow's titty.

1072
00:50:49,588 --> 00:50:51,423
Get that discharge."

1073
00:50:51,506 --> 00:50:54,259
[laughter]

1074
00:50:54,342 --> 00:50:56,553
[laughs]

1075
00:50:56,636 --> 00:50:59,514
That's the creepiest motherfucker
that ever lived, man.

1076
00:51:00,140 --> 00:51:04,019
Came back to his friends with a big milk
stache, like, "All right, hear me out.

1077
00:51:04,102 --> 00:51:05,395
Just..."

1078
00:51:05,479 --> 00:51:08,190
[laughter]

1079
00:51:09,399 --> 00:51:13,361
It's frustrating to be called a creep
because women are just as creepy as men.

1080
00:51:13,445 --> 00:51:15,447
We just never bring that shit up.

1081
00:51:16,698 --> 00:51:20,577
We never bring it up. To the point where
you don't even think you're creepy.

1082
00:51:21,453 --> 00:51:23,997
I'm serious. Women are looking at me like,

1083
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:27,375
"What the fuck you saying?
Creepy? How so?"

1084
00:51:27,459 --> 00:51:30,045
[laughter]

1085
00:51:30,879 --> 00:51:33,089
Women, you're very creepy.

1086
00:51:33,173 --> 00:51:34,341
Very.

1087
00:51:35,050 --> 00:51:37,928
I work at a TV show
and sometimes we'll have, like,

1088
00:51:38,011 --> 00:51:41,014
One Direction or Justin Timberlake
on the show,

1089
00:51:41,097 --> 00:51:45,602
and when they walk on stage, all the women
in the audience do the same creepy shit.

1090
00:51:45,685 --> 00:51:48,313
"Aghhh! Justin! Aghhh!"

1091
00:51:48,396 --> 00:51:51,525
That's weird. You're an adult.
Why are you screaming?

1092
00:51:52,275 --> 00:51:54,820
That's fucking creepy as hell.
I can't do that shit.

1093
00:51:54,903 --> 00:51:58,156
If Beyonce comes out, I can't be like,
"Aghhh! Beyonce! Aghhh!"

1094
00:51:58,240 --> 00:51:59,366
[laughter]

1095
00:51:59,449 --> 00:52:02,911
They'd taser me. They'd be like, "That
creep's gonna kill Beyonce. Get him out."

1096
00:52:02,994 --> 00:52:05,330
[laughter]

1097
00:52:05,413 --> 00:52:07,374
But I'm creepy.

1098
00:52:07,457 --> 00:52:09,209
Because I watch porn

1099
00:52:09,292 --> 00:52:11,002
on a subway.

1100
00:52:11,086 --> 00:52:13,338
[laughter]

1101
00:52:15,173 --> 00:52:17,300
Who don't watch porn?
You watch porn, right?

1102
00:52:18,260 --> 00:52:20,887
Nick watches porn!
What's your favorite category?

1103
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:22,889
Nick...

1104
00:52:22,973 --> 00:52:26,309
[laughter and applause]

1105
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:28,937
What's you're favorite
porn category, Nick?

1106
00:52:29,020 --> 00:52:32,232
What kind of porn do you watch?
What do you type in the box?

1107
00:52:32,315 --> 00:52:33,275
[laughter]

1108
00:52:33,358 --> 00:52:37,320
What do you type in the search box?
At least tell me that. What do you type?

1109
00:52:37,404 --> 00:52:39,489
You gotta type something, Nick.

1110
00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:42,534
You don't go to a restaurant and say,
"I'll have the food."

1111
00:52:42,617 --> 00:52:44,119
[laughter]

1112
00:52:44,202 --> 00:52:46,288
-What do you type?
-Lesbian.

1113
00:52:46,371 --> 00:52:49,332
Lesbian? I don't like lesbian porn.

1114
00:52:50,208 --> 00:52:52,878
That's the one porn I don't like.
Lesbian, really?

1115
00:52:52,961 --> 00:52:54,796
I hate lesbian porn.

1116
00:52:55,839 --> 00:52:58,550
For two reasons.
One, I never know when it's over.

1117
00:52:58,633 --> 00:53:00,844
[laughter]

1118
00:53:00,927 --> 00:53:03,054
I don't. They just...

1119
00:53:03,138 --> 00:53:06,641
They just hug it out and we assume
some shit happened. I need proof.

1120
00:53:06,725 --> 00:53:09,185
I need proof in liquid form.

1121
00:53:09,269 --> 00:53:10,395
Two...

1122
00:53:10,478 --> 00:53:12,814
[laughter]

1123
00:53:14,065 --> 00:53:16,526
Two, there's never any lesbians in it,
Nick.

1124
00:53:17,777 --> 00:53:21,406
Never. It's just the same straight girls
from straight porn.

1125
00:53:22,991 --> 00:53:26,953
That's how discriminated against lesbians
are. They're not even in their own porn.

1126
00:53:27,037 --> 00:53:27,871
[laughter]

1127
00:53:27,954 --> 00:53:30,373
I don't wanna live in a country like that,
Nick.

1128
00:53:30,457 --> 00:53:33,001
If I'm gonna watch lesbian porn,
I wanna see actual lesbians.

1129
00:53:33,084 --> 00:53:35,962
I wanna see a girl that looks like
Lil Wayne have sex...

1130
00:53:36,046 --> 00:53:38,340
[laughter and applause]

1131
00:53:38,423 --> 00:53:42,344
...with a girl that looks like
Allen Iverson. I wanna see something cool.

1132
00:53:42,427 --> 00:53:43,678
[cheering and applause]

1133
00:53:43,762 --> 00:53:45,639
I wanna learn a thing or two.

1134
00:53:47,766 --> 00:53:50,393
-You know what I'm saying, Paul?
-[laughter]

1135
00:53:50,477 --> 00:53:53,730
You watch Christian porn or something?

1136
00:53:53,813 --> 00:53:56,691
Instead of a blur over the genitals,
it's a fig leaf?

1137
00:53:56,775 --> 00:53:59,611
[laughter]

1138
00:53:59,694 --> 00:54:01,613
[laughs]

1139
00:54:01,696 --> 00:54:04,532
So much tension just asking somebody
what kind of porn you watch.

1140
00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:06,201
It's just sex, just video sex.

1141
00:54:06,284 --> 00:54:09,621
If there was two people having sex
right here, you wouldn't be looking at me.

1142
00:54:09,704 --> 00:54:11,998
[laughter]

1143
00:54:14,209 --> 00:54:16,586
It's just sex. Why is that weird?

1144
00:54:16,670 --> 00:54:20,465
If I asked you, "What's your favorite
horror movie?" nobody would bat an eye.

1145
00:54:20,548 --> 00:54:22,968
Isn't that crazy, that's the way we live?

1146
00:54:23,051 --> 00:54:25,095
As a society, that's who we are?

1147
00:54:25,178 --> 00:54:28,556
We can watch movies of people killing
and dying and blood and gore.

1148
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:30,892
All that shit's perfectly acceptable.

1149
00:54:31,434 --> 00:54:34,396
But if I wanna watch two people make love,
I gotta close my laptop

1150
00:54:34,479 --> 00:54:36,856
because I'm disturbing
the other passengers? Fuck you.

1151
00:54:36,940 --> 00:54:40,485
[laughter and applause]

1152
00:54:40,568 --> 00:54:43,530
[cheering and applause]

1153
00:54:43,613 --> 00:54:45,740
Who's really the sick one? Not me.

1154
00:54:48,284 --> 00:54:50,120
But I'm the creep.

1155
00:54:51,871 --> 00:54:54,833
Women watch love stories.
I think that's creepy as fuck.

1156
00:54:55,792 --> 00:54:58,837
I don't wanna watch
two people fall in love. Urgh!

1157
00:54:58,920 --> 00:54:59,754
[laughter]

1158
00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:02,465
I feel like I'm intruding.
It's uncomfortable.

1159
00:55:02,549 --> 00:55:05,802
But I get it. Maybe that's your fantasy.
Maybe that's what you wanna...

1160
00:55:05,885 --> 00:55:07,887
Maybe you live through the characters.

1161
00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:11,891
You're like, "Someday that will be me,
I'll fall in love, it'll be beautiful."

1162
00:55:11,975 --> 00:55:15,437
And that's your fantasy.
That's why you watch that shit. I get it.

1163
00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:17,772
But that's not my fantasy, Nick.

1164
00:55:17,856 --> 00:55:19,566
[laughter]

1165
00:55:19,649 --> 00:55:22,986
You know what's my fantasy?
I'm delivering pizza to a sorority...

1166
00:55:23,069 --> 00:55:25,780
[laughter]

1167
00:55:26,656 --> 00:55:28,700
...and they can't pay for it.

1168
00:55:28,783 --> 00:55:31,911
[laughter]

1169
00:55:34,497 --> 00:55:36,708
Those are the kinds of movies I watch.

1170
00:55:36,791 --> 00:55:39,169
[laughter]

1171
00:55:40,754 --> 00:55:43,798
I was watching a bunch of inter-racial
porno for Black History Month.

1172
00:55:43,882 --> 00:55:46,092
[laughter]

1173
00:55:46,176 --> 00:55:49,345
I wondered, who's the first
black dude in an inter-racial porno

1174
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:50,889
and why don't we know his name

1175
00:55:50,972 --> 00:55:53,725
as the bravest motherfucker
in civil rights history?

1176
00:55:53,808 --> 00:55:57,062
[laughter and applause]

1177
00:55:57,145 --> 00:56:01,274
Do you know how dangerous that was,
to fuck white women on tape in the 50s?

1178
00:56:01,357 --> 00:56:02,692
[laughter]

1179
00:56:02,776 --> 00:56:06,154
Jackie Robinson got death threats,
he just played baseball with white people.

1180
00:56:06,237 --> 00:56:07,947
[laughter]

1181
00:56:08,031 --> 00:56:11,159
Could you imagine what that nigga went
through? He should be on every stamp.

1182
00:56:11,242 --> 00:56:13,703
[laughter]

1183
00:56:13,787 --> 00:56:15,705
But we're creeps.

1184
00:56:15,789 --> 00:56:18,124
Because we watch porn.

1185
00:56:18,208 --> 00:56:20,335
Women do creepier shit than that.

1186
00:56:22,003 --> 00:56:24,547
Women have sex toys.
You know what I'm saying?

1187
00:56:25,381 --> 00:56:28,426
Sex... Like, toys that they have sex with.

1188
00:56:28,510 --> 00:56:29,469
[laughter]

1189
00:56:29,552 --> 00:56:31,346
You get what I'm saying, Nick?

1190
00:56:31,429 --> 00:56:34,349
Remember when you was a kid
and you used to play with toys?

1191
00:56:34,432 --> 00:56:36,101
They fuck their toys, dude.

1192
00:56:36,184 --> 00:56:37,352
[laughter]

1193
00:56:37,435 --> 00:56:39,145
Adult women.

1194
00:56:39,854 --> 00:56:41,940
And not like a whole toy dude.

1195
00:56:42,023 --> 00:56:44,400
No, no, no. Just a separate penis toy.

1196
00:56:44,484 --> 00:56:45,985
[laughter]

1197
00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:48,404
They fuck a severed penis toy.

1198
00:56:49,197 --> 00:56:50,615
But we're the creeps.

1199
00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:55,453
I know there's sex toys for men,
but we can't actually buy one

1200
00:56:55,537 --> 00:56:58,206
and have it and let you find it.

1201
00:56:58,289 --> 00:56:59,249
[laughter]

1202
00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:01,292
And then explain it.

1203
00:57:01,376 --> 00:57:04,003
"Well, you know,
it's really hard to meet people, but..."

1204
00:57:04,087 --> 00:57:05,171
[laughter]

1205
00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:07,423
"But a boy's got his needs. Am I right?

1206
00:57:07,507 --> 00:57:10,135
So I stick my dick
in this rubber Pringles can.

1207
00:57:11,010 --> 00:57:13,638
Anyhoo... You said you're a Virgo?
That's cool.

1208
00:57:13,721 --> 00:57:16,307
Who was... What's Mom like?"

1209
00:57:16,891 --> 00:57:19,185
They don't stop there.
We never make fun of them.

1210
00:57:19,269 --> 00:57:23,148
They can fuck whatever they want, we don't
judge them, we don't call them creeps.

1211
00:57:23,231 --> 00:57:27,485
They go fuck all the toys,
shower heads, washing machines...

1212
00:57:28,695 --> 00:57:31,072
carrots, cucumber, we don't give a fuck.

1213
00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:33,283
Yeah, vegetables. You ever had a salad?

1214
00:57:33,366 --> 00:57:35,493
[laughter]

1215
00:57:35,577 --> 00:57:37,579
They'll fuck what goes in a salad.

1216
00:57:37,662 --> 00:57:40,832
[laughter]

1217
00:57:40,915 --> 00:57:42,500
You get what I'm trying to say?

1218
00:57:42,584 --> 00:57:46,212
That's why they don't cat-call.
That's why they don't have to be creepy.

1219
00:57:47,046 --> 00:57:48,882
They can fuck salad.

1220
00:57:48,965 --> 00:57:51,759
[laughter]

1221
00:57:51,843 --> 00:57:54,429
You don't gotta cat-call
when you can fuck salad.

1222
00:57:55,388 --> 00:57:58,516
You think if there was a vegetable
that felt exactly like a vagina,

1223
00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:00,518
we would ever talk to you?

1224
00:58:00,602 --> 00:58:03,104
[laughter]

1225
00:58:03,188 --> 00:58:06,232
[applause]

1226
00:58:06,316 --> 00:58:08,776
No, man, we'd be too busy farming.

1227
00:58:08,860 --> 00:58:11,529
[laughter]

1228
00:58:11,613 --> 00:58:13,990
Every dude in here would be in overalls.

1229
00:58:14,073 --> 00:58:14,991
[laughter]

1230
00:58:15,074 --> 00:58:17,577
Like, "When is this show over?
My crop's coming in."

1231
00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:19,037
[laughter]

1232
00:58:19,120 --> 00:58:21,080
"I'm growing some lesbians."

1233
00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:23,958
[laughter]

1234
00:58:25,001 --> 00:58:26,711
You on a date?

1235
00:58:27,462 --> 00:58:29,380
You sure?

1236
00:58:29,464 --> 00:58:30,924
[laughter]

1237
00:58:31,007 --> 00:58:33,343
-Are you single?
-Yes.

1238
00:58:33,426 --> 00:58:35,762
You like red lobster?

1239
00:58:35,845 --> 00:58:39,557
[laughter]

1240
00:58:39,641 --> 00:58:41,893
[cheering and applause]

1241
00:58:43,311 --> 00:58:46,814
Why did you nudge her? You took her side
over me? Really, motherfucker?

1242
00:58:46,898 --> 00:58:48,358
[laughter]

1243
00:58:48,441 --> 00:58:50,235
I thought we was friends, Nick.

1244
00:58:51,110 --> 00:58:53,655
I thought me, you and Paul
had a thing going, man.

1245
00:58:53,738 --> 00:58:54,656
[laughter]

1246
00:58:54,739 --> 00:58:57,575
Thought we were gonna go to
a strip club after this maybe.

1247
00:58:58,826 --> 00:59:00,870
[laughs]

1248
00:59:00,954 --> 00:59:04,374
Me, the whitest guy I've ever seen

1249
00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:06,584
and Christian Paul.

1250
00:59:06,668 --> 00:59:09,754
[laughter and applause]

1251
00:59:11,339 --> 00:59:13,550
We are gonna go to the strip club
after this.

1252
00:59:13,633 --> 00:59:14,759
[laughter]

1253
00:59:14,842 --> 00:59:17,220
We are. I like to go to strip clubs.

1254
00:59:17,303 --> 00:59:19,847
The most fun I ever had at a strip club...

1255
00:59:20,848 --> 00:59:22,350
Hustler!

1256
00:59:24,143 --> 00:59:26,104
It was in Baltimore, Maryland.

1257
00:59:26,187 --> 00:59:28,565
[laughter]

1258
00:59:28,648 --> 00:59:31,401
To give you an idea
what these girls looked like,

1259
00:59:31,484 --> 00:59:33,903
I walked in with $50 in singles...

1260
00:59:34,862 --> 00:59:37,532
and walked out with $47 in singles.

1261
00:59:37,615 --> 00:59:40,076
[laughter and applause]

1262
00:59:40,159 --> 00:59:42,203
Good night!

1263
00:59:42,287 --> 00:59:46,207
[cheering and applause]

1264
00:59:46,291 --> 00:59:49,711
[drum solo]

1265
00:59:49,794 --> 00:59:52,880
[band play heavy rock]

1266
00:59:52,964 --> 00:59:56,384
[cheering and applause]

1267
00:59:56,467 --> 00:59:58,469
Thank you so much!

1268
00:59:58,553 --> 01:00:01,014
Good night!

1269
01:00:01,097 --> 01:00:04,517
[cheering and applause]

1270
01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:12,692
Subtitles by: Kate Sharkey