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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ Empty bottle,
empty, empty bottle ♪

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♪ Empty drinks for you

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♪ As I watched the smoke
settle on the palms ♪

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♪ I hear a whisper
through the trees ♪

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♪ A little dream I had
when I was but a lad ♪

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♪ That life is surely
beaten and set free ♪

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♪ And now I am the king
of absolutely nothing ♪

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♪ A belly that is
proud and full ♪

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- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Kyle Kinane.

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Hello!

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Thank you, wow.

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Salt Lake City, natural choice.

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For profanity-laden
standup comedies.

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"What's your target demo, Kyle?"

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"Oh, polygamist
snowboarders, of course."

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Thank you for having me
to record this special,

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I do appreciate it.

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I'm just happy to
be out in the world.

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I'm happy to be back
doing live comedy.

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We've been back for a little
while, but I just, I need this.

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I can't perform comedy without
the checks and balances

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of a human interaction.

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You know, over the
pandemic, I was writing

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what I thought was comedy,

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but I didn't have this
checks and balance system.

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Turns out I was just
writing little manifestos.

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That's all I was writing.

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I was writing little manifestos

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and I wouldn't find out
about that until, like,

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just weeks later, when I
would do a Zoom comedy show,

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which was just the
bane of my existence,

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I'd just sit there, and just
in my room, write a joke, like,

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"That's perfect, I've never
written anything funnier."

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And then, just sit
in the darkness for
weeks with a bottle,

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and then my computer
would light up like,

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"Time for Zoom comedy."

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And I would just lean in.

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I was just pale and too
close to the camera.

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Just like every
conspiracy theorist, like,

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"5G makes 'em read your mind!"

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Like that was...

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Just too close with,
like, one weird lamp

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offset in the
background, to do comedy.

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And they're like, "All
right, Kyle, you're up."

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And I just say some shit like,

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"The problem with the left
is that we're too empathetic

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to people with
mental health issues

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and that's why we'll never
produce a viable assassin."

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They're like, "Oh. Hey."

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You can't, that's not like, ha
ha, I get it, but you can't,

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you can't say that,
not on Zoom, anyway.

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They're recording this,
now you gotta explain jokes

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to the FBI, is that
what you wanted to do?

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Now you explain
comedy to the Feds.

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Even just the minutiae
of doing live stand up,

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I mean, the stuff that
comes along with it.

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I'm excited to be back to
even the traveling elements.

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I'll be happy, I'm excited
to be on airplanes again.

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I'm sure that'll get
obnoxious soon enough,

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but I just like being on there.

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I like saying thank
you to the pilot

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when I walk off the plane.

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I like doing that.

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How many people say
thank you to the pilot

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when you get off the plane?

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All right, it's a decent
amount, but it's not everybody.

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What's wrong with you?

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Why you gotta be a jerk?
That's all they want.

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That's all a pilot wants.

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If you fly, that's
the first thing.

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As soon as they park, the door
just flies open at the front.

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They're just like...

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"Hey, did you notice
how we didn't all die?

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You're welcome.

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You're welcome for that.
I did that for you."

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And we all just shuffle off in
our pajama bottoms and Crocs,

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like "Don't make eye
contact with me."

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So rude, that's all they want,
is a thank you for that job.

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They're up there. They're
tucked in up there.

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They are tucked in with
dress shoes the whole time.

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And we're back there with, like,
half a boner in sweatpants,

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nodding off on pills and
tiny bottles of booze.

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They're wearing a goddamn
sport coat up there for you.

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If you ever look in a
cockpit, it's a panic room.

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It's just a chamber,
it's a chamber of anxiety

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for anybody that doesn't know.

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And they know, they know all
the buttons, all the switches.

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They know what to do. The
windshield, that's arbitrary.

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That's for us.

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If a pilot sees something
wrong out the windshield,

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we're dead, we're already dead.

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Nobody's gonna get on a
plane without a windshield.

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That's for you guys
to feel all right.

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If something's going wrong
out there, we're fucked, man.

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We're just straight up
fucked. I'll tell you that.

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At the beginning, they get
in there and just know,

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they're like, every
switch, they're like,

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"Don't die, don't
die, don't die.

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Will not die. We won't die here.

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Won't die if I do that.

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Better not die, better
not die, better not die.

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Here's the big old good
luck lever. We need that.

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Don't die, shit, almost,

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if I didn't do this, we
would've definitely died.

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Look, thank God, don't die.

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And here we go, not dying."

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And then we're all just
hungover, shuffling off, like

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"The landing was a little
choppy, I don't know."

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Meanwhile, I will
tip a Lyft driver

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like an angel that
walks the earth.

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I will just throw my whole
wallet at somebody, like,

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"Thank you for being a
literal messenger from God

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who drove me home from
the bar that I walked to

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five hours ago.

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You're the most blessed
angel. What's your name?

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I'm gonna name my first
born child after you.

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They're already
born, but they suck,

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and maybe with your
name, they'll be better.

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So, I'm gonna call
'em that and that's,

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thank you for your service."

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I've said thank you for your
service to a Lyft driver

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more than I've ever
said to anybody

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in an actual military uniform.

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Even the little things
about traveling,

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like even just
staying in hotels,

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I have to stay in
hotels for this.

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And I like staying in hotels.

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They're always tidier than I
keep my own place. I like that.

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I'm like, "Oh, that's
what a made bed...

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Look at that.

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It's just not this omelet of
blankets that's on top, Okay."

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And don't be the per,
there's always somebody like,

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"I like staying in hotels."

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Somebody's like,
"Hotels are filthy.

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I'm gonna show you a YouTube
video where somebody went in

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with a black light."

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Don't! Don't do that.

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Don't be that person. I
know, I'm not an asshole.

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I'm aware of what
the world is like.

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Let people like what they like.

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Don't think that you're better

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because you ruined what
somebody else enjoys.

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"Oh, you like hotels?

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Don't look behind the
curtains. That's where the..."

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That's the type of person that's
like, "Oh, you like shrimp?

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You know that line
on the back is poop."

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Shut the fuck up. Let
people like what they like.

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I know that hotels can
be horrifying places,

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but I don't look under the bed,

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I don't do the little
dust check on stuff.

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I just need the
illusion of cleanliness.

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I don't look at the
pillows. God forbid.

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Don't, just don't.

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If you're, never look
at pillows, just do
that for yourself.

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If you're a single man
in here, leave now.

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Go buy new pillows.
Go right now.

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You're like, "Why?"

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That's why. That's why.

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Go right now, you can go
to Bed, Bath & Beyond,

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stop at anybody's mailbox.

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Take their coupon out of it.

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Get 20% off.

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Doing bed laundry
in the daylight,

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linens if you're classy.

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I was doing my bed laundry
in the daylight sober,

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so I was retaining details

169
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,862
and I went to
unsheathe the pillow

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because you, the pillow case,

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that's the case for the pillow
that preserves the pillow.

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Does not, I...

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I don't even know
how I got pillows.

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Nobody remembers,
especially dudes,

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you don't remember when
you bought pillows.

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I moved to Los Angeles
in 2003 with one pillow.

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Eventually I had five pillows,

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At one point seven,
then down to three.

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No idea, it's just like
living in a hostel.

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Some, you got
friends come and go.

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00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:44,440
And I unsheathed what I
assumed to be a pillow one day

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in the daylight,
and what I extracted

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00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:51,739
from that pillow case, it
had the same just texture

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00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:55,284
and patina as a wild
west wanted poster.

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It was just...

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00:08:57,954 --> 00:09:00,122
It was gold and slick.

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00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,796
The edges were crumbly and
curled. One side was burnt.

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00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,047
How did that even happen?

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00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:12,677
It looked like a map
to the new world.

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00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:13,678
That's what it looked like.

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00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,181
It looked like it clearly,

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00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:20,142
like whatever fluids come out
of my face at night had just,

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00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:21,978
the liquid had just expanded

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00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:24,522
and then create
rudimentary coastlines

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00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,857
of the Americas over here.

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00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:28,568
You know, you could tell
this is how they went

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00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,319
from the Mediterranean to here.

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00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:33,489
This is where the old gays
went looking for spices

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00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:35,825
back in the day, that's
how we got the spots.

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00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:38,494
That's what happened when
you were gay back in the day

201
00:09:38,494 --> 00:09:41,622
and you couldn't tell people
in the 1300s in Europe

202
00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:42,790
that you're gay, just like,

203
00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,333
"Me and the boys,
we're going on cruise,"

204
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:47,545
and that's, that's
how you had to be gay.

205
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:48,713
Like, "What are you gonna do?"

206
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:49,755
Like, "We're looking
for cinnamon."

207
00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:51,132
That's gay, that's super gay.

208
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,844
But that's what they had to
do, so thank them for that.

209
00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:57,471
You thank them for the spices?

210
00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:59,974
This part of the pillow just
says, "Here be monsters."

211
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,267
That's all it says there,

212
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:06,022
just browns and
yellows and different,

213
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:09,525
and whatever does that to the
pillow comes out of my head,

214
00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:11,360
comes outta my head at night,

215
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,321
at night when you don't
know what's happening.

216
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:19,201
Your unconscious being
protects you of the horrors

217
00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:21,537
of your physical
realm at that point.

218
00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:24,290
We all think like, "Oh, I
snore, but probably cute like.

219
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,208
Probably whimpers and wheezes.

220
00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:29,128
Probably like a
new little kitten."

221
00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:33,716
No, you snore like a
dragon with no lower jaw.

222
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:34,717
That's how you snore.

223
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:38,596
And you emit fluid like
a chocolate fountain

224
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:41,599
filled with mucus,
that's how we all sleep.

225
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:44,310
Just...

226
00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:49,148
You snore like a fireplug
filled with pudding.

227
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:50,149
That's how you snore.

228
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,903
And you think you can forget
until you look at your pillow,

229
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:55,655
which is now just a sponge

230
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,657
that collects the memories
of your nightmares.

231
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:03,496
Just a document
of your savagery.

232
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,081
So anyway, I don't look at
the pillows in the hotel.

233
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:10,586
I just like stay, thanks.

234
00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:12,004
I like staying in the hotels.

235
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:16,258
I lay in bed way past checkout,
that's what I like now.

236
00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:19,720
Just base level excitement,
like I use words in conversation

237
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,097
that I don't really
know what they mean,

238
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:23,891
and that's my bungee
jumping at this point.

239
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,104
That's it, it's just
like, "I don't know, man,

240
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,481
sounds pretty ubiquitous to me.

241
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:42,201
Non-sequitur? I think
that's perfectly sequitur."

242
00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:50,584
Because that's my chi, I
just like laying in bed

243
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:53,170
way past checkout and
seeing if I get caught.

244
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:53,963
That's, like,

245
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:56,465
Checkout's at noon? We'll see.

246
00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,136
You gotta lay real still.
You gotta be real quiet.

247
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:01,887
I call it pulling an Anne
Frank. That's what I call it.

248
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:02,722
I lay there.

249
00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:10,896
It's real scary when
they're in the hall. Uh oh!

250
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:13,274
I know it, okay, it's hard
to do that kind of joke

251
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:14,692
when I look like I
should be at home

252
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:17,445
plotting to kidnap a
Democratic governor, so...

253
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:27,288
Let it be known, I have to
say, I am not anti-Semitic.

254
00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:29,290
I'm, like, the most
Semitic. I love 'em.

255
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,045
I won't go to the
Holocaust Museum though.

256
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,173
Nope.

257
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:38,674
Not, I'll explain.

258
00:12:38,674 --> 00:12:41,427
It's not like I'm just
gonna move on the next joke.

259
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,220
"He let that one hang
out there for a while."

260
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:47,516
No, I don't wanna go
to the Holocaust Museum

261
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:48,809
because I am a coward.

262
00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:52,354
That's it. That's simple.

263
00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:54,982
I, it happened, all right.

264
00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:56,525
That's not the route
I'm going with this.

265
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:59,361
It happened. I know it
happened and it was bad.

266
00:12:59,361 --> 00:13:00,780
Real bad, like the worst.

267
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,368
And I know that and I'm too
scared to deal with the emotions

268
00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,829
that would come with
visiting a Holocaust Museum.

269
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:12,291
Like that's a big
day. That's a wow.

270
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:15,211
You don't wanna do
anything else, okay.

271
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:16,712
And shit, maybe I'm wrong.

272
00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:19,131
Does anybody here want to
go to the Holocaust Museum?

273
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:20,549
Okay, all right, okay.

274
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:24,220
And anybody who says yes,
it's always in theory,

275
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,721
it's never like,
"Okay, tomorrow?"

276
00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:28,474
They're like, "Oh, I
didn't know tomorrow.

277
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,267
I have plans, but let's
put it on a calendar

278
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:32,686
and think about doing
the right thing."

279
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,981
No, we're all cowards
and that's okay.

280
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:39,068
Glad the Holocaust
Museum is there.

281
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,569
It's there for
education, and that's how

282
00:13:40,569 --> 00:13:42,363
the majority of people that
go to the Holocaust Museum,

283
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:45,866
they are field trips,
which I find a tad ironic,

284
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:47,827
that, just, some, like,

285
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,286
"Oh, we got this
Holocaust Museum.

286
00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:50,788
How are we gonna
get people in there?

287
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,331
Oh, we could transport 'em
in against their will."

288
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:53,624
It's like, whoa, hey.

289
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,717
"Has our marketing guy
even been inside yet?

290
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:08,305
Because that's like a
main thing that happened.

291
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:09,557
You can't just look
at the pictures.

292
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:10,975
You gotta read the captions.

293
00:14:13,769 --> 00:14:15,646
They didn't just
love trains, man."

294
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:19,108
That one's a bit too far.

295
00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:19,942
That one went,

296
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:28,951
I was kind of a hypocrite
through the whole pandemic.

297
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,619
Like, I...

298
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,955
Again, I tell you get
the vaccine, I tell
you trust science.

299
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,708
I went on a cruise. I went on
a cruise during the pandemic.

300
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,126
Yeah, all right, here it is.

301
00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:41,213
Well, first off, of course,
the cruise was gonna happen.

302
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,007
It was a cruise. It was
a heavy metal cruise.

303
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,259
It was a cruise filled
with heavy metal bands.

304
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,969
Of course that was
gonna set sail.

305
00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:49,680
Metalheads are not
scared of viruses.

306
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,724
Do you know metalheads?
Like old school?

307
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,976
They, half of them are
walking around with gonorrhea

308
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:56,020
that they got at the
original OzzFest,

309
00:14:57,646 --> 00:14:59,189
and they're proud of
it, they're proud.

310
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,150
They're hanging onto it like
it's a sourdough starter.

311
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:01,984
They're like...

312
00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:07,323
"Yeah, man, these warts saw
Randy Rhodes live, dude."

313
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:12,244
They had protocols. I did.

314
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,538
I forget whichever test
is where you do a test

315
00:15:14,538 --> 00:15:17,666
in front of your computer and
then a doctor's watching you

316
00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:18,876
from the, doctor.

317
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:21,670
I just gave a stranger
access to my webcam.

318
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:24,340
That's, this special
might not be the thing

319
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,717
you see on the internet
of me coming up soon.

320
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,431
Yeah, "I'm like, why are you
just in a bedroom too, man?

321
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:33,557
Like, be in a laboratory.

322
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:37,770
You got the same bad
lighting set up as me.

323
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,313
What is that, a Mudvayne
poster in the back?

324
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:41,899
You just work for the cruise.
You work for the cruise."

325
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,027
I got this stranger and
I'm just in my room.

326
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,404
He's watching me, I'm four
knuckles deep with a Q-tip

327
00:15:47,404 --> 00:15:48,656
into my gray matter.

328
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,240
That's the closest
I'm ever gonna feel

329
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,201
to a camgirl, was that moment.

330
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:57,665
It's a guy just watching
me drill my orifice.

331
00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:01,043
"Deeper, Daddy? Okay.

332
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,215
What do you want me to
do now, spin it a little?

333
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,717
Ooh, you're sick.
You're naughty."

334
00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:10,094
They say they take
protocols, they'd be like,

335
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,554
"Oh, we will do an
intensive questionnaire

336
00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:13,764
to make sure you're healthy."

337
00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:15,307
It's when they give
you the questionnaire.

338
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:16,892
You spend all your money
to get on the boat,

339
00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:18,978
then you spend your money to
fly to get to the port city,

340
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,229
and then your bags are packed.

341
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:21,563
They take your bags,
those are on the boat.

342
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:22,982
All your money, all
that shit's on the boat,

343
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,733
and there's a little
guy in a fun kiosk.

344
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:26,026
If you've never
been on a cruise,

345
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,236
there's a guy before
you get on the boat

346
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:28,487
and he's just a
little party guy.

347
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:31,115
Maybe he's got maracas
or something, like,

348
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:32,616
"Time to buy your
drink package."

349
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:34,410
So you have to gamble
on how much booze

350
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,745
you think you are gonna
drink on the cruise

351
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:38,080
before you get on the cruise,

352
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,165
and nobody is tame
at that point.

353
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,417
You're going on a cruise.

354
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:43,752
Nobody's like, "I better
go for the bronze tier.

355
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:46,046
I'm probably gonna take it
easy on the way to Cozumel."

356
00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:49,174
No, everybody's like, "Fucking
diamond package, baby.

357
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:53,429
I will absolutely drink
$975 worth of alcohol

358
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:55,431
every day on this cruise."

359
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:58,142
You will not. You
absolutely will not.

360
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,769
By the next day, you
will have one shaky glass

361
00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:02,730
of white wine in your hand,

362
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:05,107
just like, "I've at
least gotta break 150

363
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,484
to feel good about myself."

364
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:10,237
You're gonna poison yourself
outta your own frugality.

365
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,282
And now you spend
more money on that.

366
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,492
Now it's time to get on
the boat, here we go.

367
00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:17,453
And now you're on the plank
on the way to the boat.

368
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:20,205
There's the boat, seawater
is just underneath you,

369
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:21,457
the fish and dolphins.

370
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:23,417
There's the land,
sayonara, suckers,

371
00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:26,128
and that's when they hand
you the questionnaire.

372
00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:29,631
That's when they expect
you to be truthful

373
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,800
about your ailments
in that moment.

374
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,969
And you, everybody,
like, nobody's,

375
00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:35,971
"I got the sniffles,
always or never.

376
00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:37,473
What do you want me
to say? I'm getting...

377
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,308
What? My parents
are first cousins.

378
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:40,768
You bet your ass they are.

379
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:44,229
Let me on this boat. There's
ziplines to be zipped!"

380
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,484
One of the questions is
like, "Do you have diarrhea?"

381
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:49,818
How dare you!

382
00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:54,865
Do I have diarrhea?
I'm going on a cruise.

383
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:57,493
If I don't have it now,
give me 20 minutes.

384
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:03,999
In a half hour, in a half hour,

385
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:06,919
I'll be on my third crab
daiquiri of this voyage.

386
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:10,380
It is not a drink that is
included in the diamond package,

387
00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:11,924
it's one that I'll
assemble myself

388
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,510
by getting a pitcher of
any tropical beverage

389
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,428
that I will then take
right to the buffet,

390
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:18,972
which I will treat like
a death row inmate.

391
00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:24,895
Asparagus dipped in hot fudge,
why not? We're gonna die.

392
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:28,857
That's where I'll get
an arm full of crab legs

393
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:31,985
and hang them off the
pitcher, what for dipping.

394
00:18:31,985 --> 00:18:34,530
In 45 minutes, an employee
of this cruise line

395
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,990
will come by the hot tub,
where I've parked myself,

396
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:39,535
and tell me to cease
my behavior immediately

397
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,245
because I will be
in that hot tub

398
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:43,163
playing my favorite
game of all time

399
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:45,249
called Guess the
Catch of the Day.

400
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:47,417
It's not a game, it's
really just a sex crime.

401
00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:49,253
It's where I, Kyle Kinane,

402
00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:51,463
I'm sitting there
swirling one crab leg

403
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:55,008
around whatever warm gin and
fruit is left in the pitcher.

404
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:58,053
I'll be wearing men's swim
trunks, the old-timey kind

405
00:18:58,053 --> 00:19:00,389
where there's an outer
shell and an inner panty.

406
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,812
Any stranger unfortunate
enough to sit in that hot tub

407
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:09,064
with me will now be a
contestant of the game.

408
00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:11,191
And I'll say, "I wonder what
the catch of the day is."

409
00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:12,693
And they'll go,
"Catch of the day?"

410
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:16,071
And that's why I'll just move
the outer shell to the side,

411
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:18,073
revealing my netted genitals.

412
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:23,996
And I'll say, "Oh, it
looks like a shrimp

413
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,581
and two scallops today."

414
00:19:27,457 --> 00:19:29,960
That's the game. Nobody wins.

415
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:30,794
Nobody wins.

416
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:33,755
Do I have diarrhea?

417
00:19:33,755 --> 00:19:35,924
I'll shit off the side of
this boat if I want to.

418
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,762
I'll hang my lily white
ass off the mezzanine

419
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:43,473
and I will unload
into the life rafts.

420
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:46,101
Women and children
first? Be my guests.

421
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:51,064
What are you gonna
do? Turn it around?

422
00:19:51,064 --> 00:19:53,108
We're an international
waters, bitch.

423
00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:54,610
Don't call yourself Carnival

424
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,445
if you're not ready
for the implications.

425
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,783
I don't go on many cruises.

426
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,288
But that's the
thing, like, listen,

427
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:07,497
I'm gonna go onto vaccine.

428
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:09,458
I'm pro-vaccine, pro-science,

429
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,210
but I behave in
very anti-vax ways.

430
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,378
One of those is I keep
eating at Chipotle.

431
00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:17,090
I know it's dangerous, and I
engage in that behavior freely.

432
00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:18,884
I'm like, "It's
freedom, not fear.

433
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:22,471
I will not live in a prison
made up of your paranoia,

434
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,223
not while they got
that white queso dip

435
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,474
back on the menu anyway."

436
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:30,896
Also, Chipotle kills
people every year.

437
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,774
Every year Chipotle has
to have a press conference

438
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,401
where they're like, "Ah, yeah,

439
00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:43,116
I'm surprised we're back
here again too, but,

440
00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:46,995
ah, somebody pissed in the
spinach again or something.

441
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:51,166
Anyway, long story short,
we're sorry for your loss,

442
00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:52,000
you know, so...

443
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:54,461
But we're gonna
make it up to you.

444
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:57,673
We're gonna offer a BOGO
every Tuesday in July.

445
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:58,882
It's for your loss.

446
00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:01,009
You get an extra burrito
on account of the,

447
00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:03,387
the loss, your
bereavement burritos.

448
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:04,805
Bereaved for burritos.

449
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,848
There's something, it'll
tie together later."

450
00:21:06,848 --> 00:21:07,849
So I...

451
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:11,144
So I ate that and, like,

452
00:21:11,144 --> 00:21:13,689
I can self-diagnose food
poisoning at this point.

453
00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:16,024
I'm pretty familiar, I'm like,
"Ha ha, here we go again.

454
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:20,988
Dancing with this smelly
mistress another evening."

455
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:23,532
Food poisoning moves
around your torso

456
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:26,076
in a way that it's just
looking for a way out.

457
00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:28,912
It's like a bank
heist went south

458
00:21:28,912 --> 00:21:30,956
and their plan B wasn't
really dialed in.

459
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:33,083
You're like, "Oh, the front
doors are blocked off.

460
00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:34,334
What do we do, boss?"

461
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:36,044
"I don't know, we can
tunnel out the basement

462
00:21:36,044 --> 00:21:37,546
or jump off the roof,

463
00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:39,381
but we're getting outta this
bitch one way or another."

464
00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:44,386
That's food poisoning.

465
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:47,764
This was different. This
did not behave like this.

466
00:21:47,764 --> 00:21:49,057
This just made,

467
00:21:49,057 --> 00:21:51,852
this started making a
little nest for itself.

468
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:54,730
The doctor's like, "Yeah,
your appendix is inflamed.

469
00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:57,232
It hasn't ruptured yet,
but just go to the ER

470
00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:58,775
'cause they're gonna have
to get it outta there."

471
00:21:58,775 --> 00:22:01,945
So I went to the ER, I went
to a suburban hospital.

472
00:22:01,945 --> 00:22:04,364
I could tell it's suburban
because the doctor was very,

473
00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:06,992
just, unimpressed with having
to do another appendectomy.

474
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:10,787
Just really, just a real
another boring day at the office

475
00:22:10,787 --> 00:22:12,039
for this surgeon.

476
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:13,540
You could tell he is out
in the suburbs, like,

477
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:15,208
"Can't we get a goddamn
knife fight in this town?

478
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,754
I went to school for real shit."

479
00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,132
He came in the
room I was in like,

480
00:22:22,132 --> 00:22:23,633
"Yeah, I'm gonna give you a,

481
00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:26,386
so we're gonna give you a
laparoscopic appendectomy."

482
00:22:26,386 --> 00:22:28,180
He said that once. He
only said that one time.

483
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,432
Laparoscopic appendectomy,
and that was enough too,

484
00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:31,975
'cause I was like,
"Woof, uh oh,"

485
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:33,977
because that's, they
charge by the syllable,

486
00:22:33,977 --> 00:22:35,103
so you know it's like,

487
00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:39,775
laparoscopic appendectomy
esquire the third,

488
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:41,276
pump, the brakes.

489
00:22:41,276 --> 00:22:43,945
After that, he just
called it a lappy appy.

490
00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:48,658
I don't know about you guys,

491
00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:51,620
but I'm not a fan of
a nonchalant attitude
from a surgeon.

492
00:22:53,789 --> 00:22:55,791
Say the whole word.

493
00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:59,252
Earn your money, say
laparoscopic appendectomy.

494
00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:01,797
He wasn't even saying it to
make me feel comfortable.

495
00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:04,299
He was just saying it
out of, just, making,

496
00:23:04,299 --> 00:23:06,301
shortening his job because
they were saying it

497
00:23:06,301 --> 00:23:07,552
out in the hallway too.

498
00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:08,762
They were just like,
"What's in room nine?"

499
00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:10,972
"It's lappy appy. It's
nothing exciting."

500
00:23:10,972 --> 00:23:15,143
Like, don't do cute nicknames
before the procedure.

501
00:23:15,143 --> 00:23:18,105
After, if I live, we could
be adorable afterwards.

502
00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:20,857
Afterwards, just shit, man,

503
00:23:20,857 --> 00:23:23,110
we could put glitter on the
scars, I don't give a shit.

504
00:23:23,110 --> 00:23:26,822
But beforehand, say the whole
term, make me feel safe.

505
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:28,281
I have to go under anesthesia.

506
00:23:28,281 --> 00:23:30,575
People don't make it through
anesthesia sometimes.

507
00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:32,994
I could still die,
even if it's routine.

508
00:23:32,994 --> 00:23:34,454
What if I die? That's it.

509
00:23:34,454 --> 00:23:37,124
I died without any information
about what was happening.

510
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:38,333
I just show up in heaven,

511
00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:40,460
or whatever I qualify
for at this point.

512
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:43,505
I don't know, I definitely
have some strikes

513
00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:45,841
against my license by now.

514
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:50,345
But anywhere you wind up
where some ethereal being

515
00:23:50,345 --> 00:23:51,763
with a clipboard's
like, "Oh, man,

516
00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:53,056
you weren't on the
schedule today."

517
00:23:53,056 --> 00:23:54,307
And the best I
could say is like,

518
00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:56,393
"I guess my lappy appy
when woopsy poopsy.

519
00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:01,690
Didn't get much more
information than that, but yeah,

520
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:04,526
well, thank god it went okie
dokie, so we're here today.

521
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,698
Well, so I was thinking,
but like that's,

522
00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:11,950
unless you have a situation
where it ruptured and inflamed,

523
00:24:11,950 --> 00:24:15,120
you have an appendix
in your body right now,

524
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:16,371
doing nothing...

525
00:24:17,914 --> 00:24:21,960
except maybe making
a doctor $25,000.

526
00:24:24,713 --> 00:24:25,964
And they just let us,

527
00:24:25,964 --> 00:24:27,549
they let babies leave
the hospital with that.

528
00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:30,177
"Does this baby have an unlit
stick of dynamite in it?"

529
00:24:30,177 --> 00:24:31,052
"You betcha."

530
00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:35,849
There just a bunch of
walking scratch off tickets

531
00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:36,892
for doctors like,

532
00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:39,728
"Oh, it's my lucky day.
New set of golf clubs.

533
00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:41,229
How about it? 25 grand."

534
00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:45,150
Meanwhile, I was circumcised,
like, right away.

535
00:24:48,028 --> 00:24:51,239
That was the thing.
That was the thing.

536
00:24:51,239 --> 00:24:53,366
Like, "Oh, we can't
have him have that.

537
00:24:53,366 --> 00:24:55,994
Oh, hey, we got another baby
born with too much dick."

538
00:24:59,915 --> 00:25:01,750
Can't believe, you'd think
if it was unnecessary,

539
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,627
evolution would've
taken care of it.

540
00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:06,630
No, babies keep doing too
much, too much noodle.

541
00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:11,134
"Oh, should we wait
'til he's old enough

542
00:25:11,134 --> 00:25:12,677
to make up his own mind?"

543
00:25:12,677 --> 00:25:14,095
"Nah, nobody's ever wanted
more dick later in life."

544
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:17,891
At least not in the
United States, no.

545
00:25:17,891 --> 00:25:19,809
Just an American celebrating
his freedom going,

546
00:25:19,809 --> 00:25:21,061
"I guess this is all right.

547
00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:25,732
Would've liked to
have a choice."

548
00:25:25,732 --> 00:25:27,859
Why is that the worst thing?

549
00:25:27,859 --> 00:25:32,447
Why is that the most horrible
part of a new baby boy?

550
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:34,491
"The devil's calamari.
Get it off of him!"

551
00:25:34,491 --> 00:25:36,201
Why is that? Why is that?

552
00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:43,959
Listen, I may have ruined
calamari for some of you,

553
00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:44,876
and you know what?

554
00:25:44,876 --> 00:25:46,586
Good, good, I'm glad I did.

555
00:25:46,586 --> 00:25:49,172
We gotta stop eating those
animals. They're smart animals.

556
00:25:51,132 --> 00:25:53,009
We gotta leave 'em alone,
those are intelligent things.

557
00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:54,386
You got, I'm sorry
for the next trip

558
00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:55,637
you take to the Olive Garden.

559
00:25:57,639 --> 00:25:59,891
Now you don't get to
enjoy your favorite app.

560
00:26:00,976 --> 00:26:02,143
"You getting a calamari?"

561
00:26:02,143 --> 00:26:02,978
"Oh, well...

562
00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:07,399
I just, maybe I could
eat the whole squid,

563
00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:10,402
but I can't eat the rings,
I can't do the rings."

564
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:11,945
"Why not? That's the best part."

565
00:26:11,945 --> 00:26:14,155
"A guy said a thing. I don't
wanna ruin your experience.

566
00:26:14,155 --> 00:26:14,990
Just, I can't.

567
00:26:16,449 --> 00:26:17,659
I just can't.

568
00:26:17,659 --> 00:26:18,326
You're gonna dip
that in marinara?

569
00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:26,042
Oh, I know we're here,

570
00:26:26,042 --> 00:26:27,794
but I do not feel like
family right now."

571
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:33,258
I will say, as pro-vaccine
and I'm pro-science,

572
00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:34,926
I will say that right now.

573
00:26:34,926 --> 00:26:38,680
Also, I will say this,
consider the source material.

574
00:26:41,683 --> 00:26:43,018
First off, I'm a comedian,

575
00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:45,145
I shouldn't be a part
of anybody's research.

576
00:26:47,022 --> 00:26:48,356
Ever, just ever.

577
00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:51,026
But the man on the
podcast, nope. No.

578
00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:55,989
Also, I will tell you
to trust the science,

579
00:26:57,449 --> 00:26:59,826
but know this, I also
get sunburns every year.

580
00:27:01,494 --> 00:27:05,040
Multiple sunburns, and that
science has been out there

581
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,708
since the sun, since...

582
00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:10,128
Since the first
person has been like,

583
00:27:10,128 --> 00:27:12,881
"whew, I gotta find
some shade." That's...

584
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:14,716
I ignore that
science every year.

585
00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:16,009
That's the dumbest
look you could have

586
00:27:16,009 --> 00:27:17,552
in a first world country

587
00:27:17,552 --> 00:27:19,054
is an adult with a
sunburn just going,

588
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:20,889
"Ha ha, fuck, yeah, man.

589
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:23,016
I really thought I was gonna
get around it this year.

590
00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:26,770
I was doing yard work, but
I was bobbing and weaving.

591
00:27:26,770 --> 00:27:28,438
I didn't think he wasn't
gonna get me this year."

592
00:27:30,732 --> 00:27:32,817
Nope, first nice day of the
year, I'm just out there like,

593
00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:34,569
"You don't wanna SPF too early.

594
00:27:34,569 --> 00:27:37,781
You wanna get a good base
coat, you wanna get a,

595
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:40,158
you wanna brown up even,
then you can lotion up."

596
00:27:40,158 --> 00:27:43,536
Second nice day of the year,
bright red, screaming cancer,

597
00:27:44,954 --> 00:27:47,290
got shoulders that look
like french bread pizzas.

598
00:27:48,917 --> 00:27:52,087
Then after that, I've clearly
tried to apply sunblock,

599
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,798
but I've done it alone and
been too proud to ask for help,

600
00:27:54,798 --> 00:27:56,758
And you can see that
because you can tell

601
00:27:56,758 --> 00:28:00,011
I've just taken the tube, I
will squeeze it over my head

602
00:28:00,011 --> 00:28:03,848
and just let it drizzle
down, just magic shell style,

603
00:28:03,848 --> 00:28:07,060
just oozing down my face.

604
00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:09,729
Just a little hot
fudge Kyle, that's all.

605
00:28:09,729 --> 00:28:13,608
My head and face are
a ghoulish white,

606
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:17,070
like the holograms from the
Haunted Mansion showing up,

607
00:28:17,070 --> 00:28:20,448
Ah! What you barbecuing? Bleh.

608
00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:22,450
And the rest of it I
kind of pushed down

609
00:28:22,450 --> 00:28:23,827
around my chest and shoulders.

610
00:28:23,827 --> 00:28:26,871
My back is just a series
of violent hand prints.

611
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:30,959
Just furious slappings.

612
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,712
It looks like demons
tried to drag me to hell.

613
00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:38,591
But thank God the
Coppertone was too slick

614
00:28:38,591 --> 00:28:41,803
and they couldn't get their
talons in, praise Jesus.

615
00:28:41,803 --> 00:28:43,304
Not today, Satan.

616
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:47,809
You will not capture my soul
for your demonic pits of hell.

617
00:28:47,809 --> 00:28:50,979
I managed to slip away in
the flames of the underworld.

618
00:28:50,979 --> 00:28:53,648
Only burnt a spiky, tribal,

619
00:28:53,648 --> 00:28:55,984
Godsmack album
cover-looking thing.

620
00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:04,117
Relinquish your grasp, hellions.

621
00:29:08,121 --> 00:29:11,332
"You don't know what's
in those needles, dude."

622
00:29:11,332 --> 00:29:14,002
That's always said by people
with the shittiest tattoos.

623
00:29:16,796 --> 00:29:19,966
"You don't know what's
in those needles, dude."

624
00:29:19,966 --> 00:29:21,426
It's always said
by some dude, like,

625
00:29:21,426 --> 00:29:25,430
"Only God Can Judge Me"
scribbled across his chest,

626
00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:27,348
did it with a guitar
string in India ink

627
00:29:27,348 --> 00:29:29,142
at his cousin's pig
roast, you know?

628
00:29:30,351 --> 00:29:32,353
How many "Only God
Can Judge Me" tattoos

629
00:29:32,353 --> 00:29:33,688
you think have been
in a courtroom?

630
00:29:33,688 --> 00:29:34,898
I'll tell you right
now. It's all of 'em.

631
00:29:34,898 --> 00:29:36,691
It's every single
one of those tattoos.

632
00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:40,445
Every single person who
thinks only God can judge them

633
00:29:40,445 --> 00:29:42,655
has been been judged
by a terrestrial being.

634
00:29:45,241 --> 00:29:46,951
"Only God can judge me.

635
00:29:46,951 --> 00:29:48,787
18 months? Fuck, man."

636
00:29:53,583 --> 00:29:56,169
Even beforehand, even
before the whole thing,

637
00:29:56,169 --> 00:29:59,130
I just, the anti-vaxxers
kind of made me, like,

638
00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:01,508
"Vaccines cause autism, man.

639
00:30:01,508 --> 00:30:03,384
The vaccines are
causing autism."

640
00:30:03,384 --> 00:30:04,552
Fucking, good.

641
00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:10,517
We probably need
more autistic kids.

642
00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:12,060
- [Audience Member] Yeah!

643
00:30:12,060 --> 00:30:14,729
- They're the ones that keep
beating robots at chess.

644
00:30:18,107 --> 00:30:19,400
And if you don't think

645
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,444
that's an incredibly
necessary individual

646
00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:23,530
in this day and age,

647
00:30:23,530 --> 00:30:26,533
all we do is keep getting
information over the algorithm.

648
00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:28,535
That's all we do, is just like,

649
00:30:28,535 --> 00:30:30,620
"Oh, accept cookies,
allow tracking.

650
00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:32,872
Come on, man, I'm trying to
look at tits on this thing."

651
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:35,875
It's only a matter of
time before we're like,

652
00:30:35,875 --> 00:30:37,877
"Uh oh, the machines
took over the banks

653
00:30:37,877 --> 00:30:40,296
and I can't get my folding
money out to pay my bills.

654
00:30:40,296 --> 00:30:41,840
What are we gonna do?

655
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:43,591
Well, we could ask Toby if
he wants to take a break

656
00:30:43,591 --> 00:30:45,760
from building DNA
strands outta Legos

657
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:47,762
long enough to save
the world again.

658
00:30:49,264 --> 00:30:51,266
Do you mind Toby?
We'd love your help.

659
00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:53,101
We'll get you the big
chocolate milk this time."

660
00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:59,274
Greta Thunberg's autistic.

661
00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:01,943
She's trying to save the
Earth from ourselves,

662
00:31:01,943 --> 00:31:03,444
and the best we can
come up with is,

663
00:31:03,444 --> 00:31:05,238
"Ah, she's, like, a girl

664
00:31:06,406 --> 00:31:09,784
and she looks weird.

665
00:31:09,784 --> 00:31:12,996
She's a kid, so, nah."

666
00:31:14,455 --> 00:31:18,626
Oh good, okay, I guess it's
your unvaxxed, homeschooled,

667
00:31:18,626 --> 00:31:21,838
soft-boiled degenerate that's
gonna save the universe.

668
00:31:23,798 --> 00:31:27,010
Yeah, that kid that's gonna
overdose at an EDM concert,

669
00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:29,804
then the fight
with the paramedics

670
00:31:29,804 --> 00:31:32,348
over the flat earth theory
is gonna be the one.

671
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:34,809
"Momma says on account
of her womb being dead

672
00:31:34,809 --> 00:31:36,644
means I'm just an
angel for being here."

673
00:31:36,644 --> 00:31:37,896
Okay, we'll trust...

674
00:31:40,481 --> 00:31:42,108
Let's elect you into office.

675
00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:47,488
Listen, I'm a
little burnt out on,

676
00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:48,907
even on the people
that I agree with

677
00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:50,241
'cause it's getting a
little too obnoxious

678
00:31:50,241 --> 00:31:51,492
on both ends of the spectrum.

679
00:31:51,492 --> 00:31:54,120
I'm a little sick of all
my woke friends that,

680
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:55,997
woke, they're woke,
but they insist

681
00:31:55,997 --> 00:31:58,833
on having their own brand
new white babies still.

682
00:31:58,833 --> 00:31:59,667
Like, you can't,

683
00:32:01,085 --> 00:32:02,879
you can't be burdened with
that much white guilt, and,

684
00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:05,048
you can't be like,
"We are the problem.

685
00:32:05,048 --> 00:32:07,383
Anyway, here's another
one." No, you can't!

686
00:32:09,844 --> 00:32:12,347
Stop flooding the market
with your shitty product.

687
00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:16,476
That's not how economics work.

688
00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:20,939
You don't, there's
plenty of kids out there

689
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:23,441
to upcycle right now, so
you don't need a new one,

690
00:32:24,943 --> 00:32:28,112
or whatever term you wanna
slap on it to feel good.

691
00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:29,364
But then they'll try
to defend and be like,

692
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:32,033
"You don't understand, Kyle, I,

693
00:32:32,033 --> 00:32:33,868
we're gonna raise our
child to be a feminist."

694
00:32:33,868 --> 00:32:36,412
You need to raise your
child to digest plastic.

695
00:32:36,412 --> 00:32:39,207
That's who's gonna survive.
That's who's gonna live.

696
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:42,543
It's not looking good out
there. That's what you need.

697
00:32:42,543 --> 00:32:45,129
"But Kyle, I wouldn't
care if my kid was trans."

698
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:46,506
You should care if
they have gills.

699
00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:49,509
You need a kid that can
breathe smoke or water.

700
00:32:49,509 --> 00:32:51,511
That's, you need a
plastic eating fish baby

701
00:32:51,511 --> 00:32:53,221
if you want any
hopes of grandkids.

702
00:32:58,559 --> 00:33:00,061
It's like, I bought this van

703
00:33:00,061 --> 00:33:01,980
and the first stop with it
to kind of test it all out,

704
00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:03,898
get used to it, I went
down camping with friends,

705
00:33:03,898 --> 00:33:07,110
I went to Joshua Tree
National Park and, yeah, okay,

706
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:11,197
we know Joshua Tree, but also,
you know, national parks.

707
00:33:11,197 --> 00:33:14,409
This is Utah. You
have, hmm, whoa, wow.

708
00:33:15,868 --> 00:33:17,912
Just stuff that you're like,
"Don't anybody touch this.

709
00:33:17,912 --> 00:33:19,455
This is amazing. Arches?

710
00:33:19,455 --> 00:33:22,333
What's happening here? Look
at, oh, dinosaur footprints?

711
00:33:22,333 --> 00:33:24,585
Oh, you mean God's
little trickster?"

712
00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:29,924
Yeah, sure.

713
00:33:32,468 --> 00:33:34,303
"Okay, I won't bother those."

714
00:33:39,726 --> 00:33:44,731
But, you know, but that
is astonishing landscape.

715
00:33:45,898 --> 00:33:47,400
Just a little further
south, Grand Canyon.

716
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:48,526
I have to rub my eyes every
time I'm there to be like,

717
00:33:48,526 --> 00:33:50,278
"This is not a painting,
this is a real,

718
00:33:50,278 --> 00:33:53,781
just, this is a geographic
anomaly that big

719
00:33:53,781 --> 00:33:55,283
that I'm looking at."

720
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,452
But then you go to Joshua
Tree after seeing that stuff

721
00:33:57,452 --> 00:33:59,454
and you're just like, "Ah...

722
00:34:01,706 --> 00:34:03,249
No, no, I see you got,

723
00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:06,461
you got the rock that's on top
of the other rock over there.

724
00:34:09,338 --> 00:34:11,716
That's been, it's pretty
wild. Yeah, look at that.

725
00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:13,176
Anyway, what's over this way?

726
00:34:13,176 --> 00:34:15,636
Oh, bullshit. Look at
the rock that's on the...

727
00:34:15,636 --> 00:34:18,598
It's on the rock and a
couple trees and, all right."

728
00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:22,977
It's nice that it's there, but
it's kind of just, like, meh.

729
00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:25,354
It's like a geographic
Kardashian, you know?

730
00:34:27,065 --> 00:34:29,150
It's just, it's hot
and of no value,

731
00:34:30,985 --> 00:34:33,362
but you somehow keep trying
to make it a thing, you know?

732
00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:40,661
So, you know, and all
the honky witches from LA

733
00:34:40,661 --> 00:34:42,997
and the Stevie Nicks
cosplayers go out there

734
00:34:42,997 --> 00:34:45,416
and recharge their
crystals, which...

735
00:34:45,416 --> 00:34:48,878
All right, I'm making fun
of it, but you know what?

736
00:34:48,878 --> 00:34:52,173
If crystals make you happy,
you're not hurting anybody,

737
00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:54,801
go have your special rocks.

738
00:34:54,801 --> 00:34:57,303
People have rabbit's
feet, have a,

739
00:34:57,303 --> 00:34:59,097
put a rock on a window
sill in the moonlight

740
00:34:59,097 --> 00:35:01,140
and the next day you hold
it, you feel less anxiety,

741
00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:02,642
you're not hurting
anybody, go for it.

742
00:35:02,642 --> 00:35:05,186
It's weird times, we
all can extract energy

743
00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:07,730
from unorthodox
sources in this world.

744
00:35:07,730 --> 00:35:10,775
If you're, yeah, listen, I
get, I don't do crystals.

745
00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:12,026
That's not my thing.

746
00:35:12,026 --> 00:35:14,862
I find a balance and a
fairness in this world.

747
00:35:14,862 --> 00:35:16,114
Just an equilibrium.

748
00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:17,698
Whenever I see an
attractive person

749
00:35:17,698 --> 00:35:20,660
getting on a Southwest
flight last, that's...

750
00:35:24,497 --> 00:35:28,000
That's when I know that there
is some small undercurrent

751
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:29,794
of justice in this world.

752
00:35:29,794 --> 00:35:33,339
You know, you just
see a supermodel, just
somebody gorgeous,

753
00:35:33,339 --> 00:35:35,216
a gorgeous individual,
and then you see

754
00:35:35,216 --> 00:35:37,051
that C on their boarding card

755
00:35:37,051 --> 00:35:38,719
and you know they have no idea.

756
00:35:39,887 --> 00:35:41,347
You're like, "Oh, honey,
you're about to learn

757
00:35:41,347 --> 00:35:42,723
how the world really works.

758
00:35:44,225 --> 00:35:46,727
Yeah, you got bumped off a
United flight or something,

759
00:35:46,727 --> 00:35:48,271
now you're here with
the great unwashed.

760
00:35:48,271 --> 00:35:49,480
This is gonna be fun."

761
00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:52,233
Because they always stand
at the front of the plane

762
00:35:52,233 --> 00:35:53,901
with nothing but
middle seats open.

763
00:35:53,901 --> 00:35:56,612
They're just like, "I
don't, but, I can't.

764
00:35:56,612 --> 00:35:58,948
But why? But what
am I gonna do?"

765
00:35:58,948 --> 00:36:00,658
You're gonna rub some
elbows with some stinkers.

766
00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:01,534
That's what you're gonna do.

767
00:36:05,454 --> 00:36:07,915
Squeeze in here with some
slobs coming home from Vegas

768
00:36:07,915 --> 00:36:09,000
and make some friends.

769
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:20,219
That's how we went out
there and just did drugs.

770
00:36:20,219 --> 00:36:22,430
I mean, like, it's
like that, but not,

771
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:24,223
I don't even wanna say
it like in a woo, like,

772
00:36:24,223 --> 00:36:25,433
"Do you guys do this stuff?"

773
00:36:25,433 --> 00:36:27,602
I don't even, just
did mushrooms.

774
00:36:27,602 --> 00:36:28,769
I just think they're
good for you.

775
00:36:28,769 --> 00:36:30,438
They're good for
you psychologically.

776
00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:31,939
I'm doing, yeah, okay,

777
00:36:31,939 --> 00:36:33,399
and I'm not gonna preach,

778
00:36:33,399 --> 00:36:34,984
I'm not gonna
proselytize about it.

779
00:36:34,984 --> 00:36:36,319
Do 'em safely, do
'em around people

780
00:36:36,319 --> 00:36:37,778
that have done them
before that you trust

781
00:36:37,778 --> 00:36:39,447
and do 'em outside,
that's all you gotta.

782
00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:41,157
Don't do 'em in an apartment
'cause you're just like,

783
00:36:41,157 --> 00:36:43,618
"Fucking, the toilet,
it just has water

784
00:36:43,618 --> 00:36:45,661
that goes into the Earth, man.

785
00:36:50,082 --> 00:36:53,669
Anything's a wishing well if
you dream big enough, man."

786
00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:58,132
"Is that where my car keys are?"

787
00:37:04,305 --> 00:37:06,265
"I'm turning it into a Ferrari."

788
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:14,357
So just go, I mean, and I,
and you can have a bad trip,

789
00:37:14,357 --> 00:37:16,400
but it's not, I mean, I'm
not even talking about acid.

790
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:17,944
Like I had a bad
trip on this one.

791
00:37:17,944 --> 00:37:20,154
Not bad bad, but like, I just,

792
00:37:20,154 --> 00:37:22,365
I was with a group
of dudes and they,

793
00:37:22,365 --> 00:37:24,992
I was outnumbered as far as the
soundtrack of the trip went,

794
00:37:24,992 --> 00:37:26,661
and so they wanted to
listen to jam bands

795
00:37:26,661 --> 00:37:29,038
and I found a new kind
of hell for myself.

796
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:32,750
If jam bands are your
thing, good for you.

797
00:37:32,750 --> 00:37:34,126
Bless your heart on that stuff.

798
00:37:34,126 --> 00:37:36,295
I do not hear a jam,
I never hear a jam.

799
00:37:36,295 --> 00:37:39,173
I hear five stepdads who do
not know how to end a song.

800
00:37:39,173 --> 00:37:40,132
That's what I hear.

801
00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:45,304
I don't care what name of
the band you tell me it is,

802
00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,515
it's one band for
that names them all.

803
00:37:47,515 --> 00:37:49,517
It's called Noodly Lou
and the Turd Herders,

804
00:37:52,103 --> 00:37:55,106
and it's five dads
in cargo shorts.

805
00:37:55,106 --> 00:37:58,025
And one guy wants to end it.
You know, one guy in the band.

806
00:38:15,293 --> 00:38:16,127
Tommy!

807
00:38:18,087 --> 00:38:18,921
Tommy!

808
00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:26,637
Tommy, seriously though!

809
00:38:26,637 --> 00:38:29,140
I got a sitter for this weekend
and shit's not cheap, dude.

810
00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:29,974
I gotta...

811
00:38:41,444 --> 00:38:42,403
Ryan! Ryan!

812
00:38:45,448 --> 00:38:47,408
Ryan, look at me, dude.

813
00:39:08,054 --> 00:39:09,930
I fucking see you, bro!

814
00:39:11,474 --> 00:39:14,352
Count it down, Todd, I gotta
get the fuck outta here!

815
00:39:17,605 --> 00:39:19,940
There's no end to this
joke. It just goes on.

816
00:39:24,612 --> 00:39:28,115
In being faithful to
that genre of music,

817
00:39:28,115 --> 00:39:29,617
the joke just goes on
until everybody's like,

818
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:32,620
"We do have to get
outta here, that really,

819
00:39:32,620 --> 00:39:34,038
there's no shit on that one."

820
00:39:35,623 --> 00:39:39,126
But so at the end of the
weekend, everybody left,

821
00:39:39,126 --> 00:39:42,213
and, you know, after we all
just sat there frying out,

822
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:43,964
sinking in the sand,
everybody left.

823
00:39:43,964 --> 00:39:46,550
I was the last one to leave
and my van did the same thing,

824
00:39:46,550 --> 00:39:48,052
it sank into the sand.

825
00:39:48,052 --> 00:39:50,638
Who would've thought, big
old heavy van and loose sand

826
00:39:50,638 --> 00:39:52,431
wouldn't agree with each other?

827
00:39:52,431 --> 00:39:55,142
But I was the last one to go,
so I'm just there by myself,

828
00:39:55,142 --> 00:39:56,811
like uh oh, I'm
spinning the tires

829
00:39:56,811 --> 00:39:58,979
and I'm throwing
debris under the tires,

830
00:39:58,979 --> 00:40:00,523
trying to get traction.

831
00:40:00,523 --> 00:40:03,317
I wish I was the guy that
knew those kind of things.

832
00:40:03,317 --> 00:40:05,277
Just, "Oh, we're
just gonna leverage.

833
00:40:05,277 --> 00:40:08,030
You could put some weight
on this opposite angle

834
00:40:08,030 --> 00:40:09,323
and then the rear differential,

835
00:40:09,323 --> 00:40:10,991
that's actually gonna
go counterclockwise

836
00:40:10,991 --> 00:40:13,119
unless you grab traction,"
I'm not that guy.

837
00:40:13,119 --> 00:40:15,037
I had to look up on the internet

838
00:40:15,037 --> 00:40:16,831
what to say for that
part of the bit.

839
00:40:21,877 --> 00:40:24,797
The guy I was, like, "They're
going, but they're not going.

840
00:40:24,797 --> 00:40:26,757
It's around, but not forward"

841
00:40:28,592 --> 00:40:30,886
I'm just a guy who just is
sweaty holding his phone.

842
00:40:30,886 --> 00:40:31,679
Like, "I, uh,

843
00:40:36,851 --> 00:40:39,645
usually this has a
lot of answers, this."

844
00:40:39,645 --> 00:40:40,938
I did, I looked at my phone,

845
00:40:40,938 --> 00:40:44,191
had fantastic service
out there, go figure.

846
00:40:44,191 --> 00:40:46,527
Verizon, hey, what are you,
in the middle of nowhere?

847
00:40:46,527 --> 00:40:47,778
Full bars.

848
00:40:47,778 --> 00:40:49,905
Hey, you in an actual
city where you live

849
00:40:49,905 --> 00:40:51,157
and conduct business?

850
00:40:51,157 --> 00:40:52,283
Why don't you suck our dicks?

851
00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:55,536
So...

852
00:40:58,664 --> 00:41:01,250
It's an odd choice for
them to do that that way,

853
00:41:02,668 --> 00:41:03,836
but I had full bars.

854
00:41:03,836 --> 00:41:05,504
I'm like, all
right, I called AAA.

855
00:41:05,504 --> 00:41:08,674
I don't know, I've been
paying them shits for years.

856
00:41:10,050 --> 00:41:11,927
I think, and I, and I don't
call 'em for the little things.

857
00:41:11,927 --> 00:41:13,137
Flat tire? Do it myself.

858
00:41:13,137 --> 00:41:14,346
Ran outta gas? Do it myself.

859
00:41:14,346 --> 00:41:16,807
I think I can call
the big favor on them,

860
00:41:16,807 --> 00:41:18,726
so I'm like, all right, AAA

861
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:20,060
And they're like,
"Where are you located?"

862
00:41:20,060 --> 00:41:20,978
I'm like, "Ha ha,

863
00:41:22,396 --> 00:41:24,064
it's out there."

864
00:41:25,441 --> 00:41:27,943
Because we weren't even in
the part of the national park

865
00:41:27,943 --> 00:41:29,153
where there were still rangers.

866
00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:31,071
We were just out in the
mafia burial ground.

867
00:41:35,117 --> 00:41:37,578
So I was just like, "I,
there's not a lot of numbers

868
00:41:37,578 --> 00:41:39,914
out here unless you
wanna count cow skulls.

869
00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:43,542
I'll just, I'll drop a pin
and we'll see if that works."

870
00:41:44,835 --> 00:41:46,837
And to their credit,
dropped a pin.

871
00:41:46,837 --> 00:41:49,757
Within an hour, I saw
a little white AAA van

872
00:41:49,757 --> 00:41:52,426
just bopping along the dirt
road that I came in on,

873
00:41:52,426 --> 00:41:54,178
just come to badink,
badink, badink.

874
00:41:54,178 --> 00:41:56,138
And I could see,
'cause it was a van,

875
00:41:56,138 --> 00:41:57,640
so it's a big windshield.

876
00:41:57,640 --> 00:41:59,266
I could see from a distance,
the guy behind the wheel

877
00:41:59,266 --> 00:42:00,100
is just like...

878
00:42:07,566 --> 00:42:08,776
They pull, his window is down.

879
00:42:08,776 --> 00:42:10,236
The first thing he
said, he just goes,

880
00:42:10,236 --> 00:42:12,112
"I can't do anything."

881
00:42:14,323 --> 00:42:15,908
And I was like, "I know...

882
00:42:19,161 --> 00:42:20,329
Now you're here.

883
00:42:22,831 --> 00:42:24,291
Two heads better than one."

884
00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:28,128
He was pissed, but
he's obligated.

885
00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,298
So then we were
just hanging out,

886
00:42:31,298 --> 00:42:33,926
two of us were just leaning
on his van, looking at my van,

887
00:42:35,469 --> 00:42:37,346
neither one of us
having any answers.

888
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:41,058
And finally, after a
while, he just goes,

889
00:42:41,058 --> 00:42:42,476
"I can call Garrett."

890
00:42:49,525 --> 00:42:53,612
He gave me no context
to who Garrett,

891
00:42:53,612 --> 00:42:55,990
he just said it like, "That's
how we're gonna do it.

892
00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:57,616
We'll call Garrett. He..."

893
00:42:57,616 --> 00:42:59,451
Does Garrett work for AAA too?

894
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:01,829
Maybe Garrett has an
independent towing company.

895
00:43:01,829 --> 00:43:04,832
Maybe Garrett has a gun
and he's gonna come out

896
00:43:04,832 --> 00:43:06,333
and he's gonna put
a bullet in my head

897
00:43:06,333 --> 00:43:08,002
and you guys are gonna
split whatever you get

898
00:43:08,002 --> 00:43:10,963
for selling my van, and you
can tell me that plan now

899
00:43:10,963 --> 00:43:12,506
like a supervillain
'cause you know, like,

900
00:43:12,506 --> 00:43:14,508
"Oh, you're gonna die, let
me tell you exactly how."

901
00:43:14,508 --> 00:43:16,510
So...

902
00:43:16,510 --> 00:43:18,304
But I have no choice
but to be optimistic.

903
00:43:18,304 --> 00:43:21,015
So I'm like, "Oh, Garrett? Yeah.

904
00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:23,267
Shit, I mean, I don't know
him, but that's a strong name.

905
00:43:23,267 --> 00:43:24,518
That's a guy who
gets something done.

906
00:43:24,518 --> 00:43:25,769
Garrett will get it done.

907
00:43:25,769 --> 00:43:26,687
I don't know what it
is, but he'll do it.

908
00:43:26,687 --> 00:43:28,022
Ah, fuck, Garrett. Yeah."

909
00:43:28,022 --> 00:43:29,732
And this guy wasn't
having my shit, he goes,

910
00:43:29,732 --> 00:43:31,191
"He's got a 350."

911
00:43:31,191 --> 00:43:32,484
And I'm like, "Ah, man,

912
00:43:33,694 --> 00:43:35,696
maybe you can get like
a 400, I don't know.

913
00:43:37,573 --> 00:43:39,658
What are we talking?
I don't know.

914
00:43:39,658 --> 00:43:40,784
If these numbers are important,

915
00:43:40,784 --> 00:43:42,411
can you get more
of the numbers?"

916
00:43:43,746 --> 00:43:44,997
He's like, "He's
also got a Cummins."

917
00:43:44,997 --> 00:43:47,541
I'm like, "What's that?
Hope that's a goins."

918
00:43:47,541 --> 00:43:50,002
Meanwhile, he wasn't
into the truck humor.

919
00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:51,045
He wasn't feeling it.

920
00:43:52,212 --> 00:43:55,215
So he shuffled off
and he called Garrett,

921
00:43:57,134 --> 00:44:01,847
and within 20 minutes,
this Mad Maxian cloud

922
00:44:03,223 --> 00:44:05,517
just appeared on the horizon.

923
00:44:06,727 --> 00:44:11,065
Just tearing at us as if
born of the setting sun.

924
00:44:12,941 --> 00:44:15,235
This was the Phoenix
that was Garrett,

925
00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:20,449
and he was coming right at us.

926
00:44:20,449 --> 00:44:22,993
Now, you know national parks
are very precious about them

927
00:44:22,993 --> 00:44:25,329
and as they should be, they're
trying to preserve that shit,

928
00:44:25,329 --> 00:44:27,581
but you get there and
they're not screwing around.

929
00:44:27,581 --> 00:44:28,791
They're like,
"Stay on the trail.

930
00:44:28,791 --> 00:44:30,876
Leave no trace. Pack
in what you pack out.

931
00:44:30,876 --> 00:44:32,586
Don't look at any of
the animals in the face,

932
00:44:32,586 --> 00:44:33,921
they can't know you're here.

933
00:44:36,924 --> 00:44:39,259
Actually, we'd prefer
it if you left."

934
00:44:39,259 --> 00:44:42,680
That should be the slogan
for national parks.

935
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,683
"Welcome to your national parks.
We'd prefer it if you left.

936
00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:49,269
You're really only harming
this beautiful place."

937
00:44:52,106 --> 00:44:54,191
Garrett was not
adhering to those rules.

938
00:44:56,777 --> 00:44:59,113
Garrett was a firm
believer in the concept

939
00:44:59,113 --> 00:45:00,864
that the quickest way
between two points

940
00:45:00,864 --> 00:45:01,907
was a straight line,

941
00:45:04,743 --> 00:45:06,662
so he was driving
as the crow flies,

942
00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:12,960
save for a couple swerves
into the namesake shrubs.

943
00:45:15,963 --> 00:45:19,466
There was a couple deliberate
moves where I could,

944
00:45:19,466 --> 00:45:21,593
Garrett was driving like
somebody named Joshua

945
00:45:21,593 --> 00:45:22,970
had just fucked his mother,

946
00:45:28,851 --> 00:45:31,645
and he was taking it out on
your tax-funded public land.

947
00:45:33,731 --> 00:45:35,315
There's a couple hard
jerks of the wheel

948
00:45:35,315 --> 00:45:36,275
where you could tell he is like,

949
00:45:36,275 --> 00:45:37,484
"Just 'cause your dick's in her

950
00:45:37,484 --> 00:45:38,694
doesn't mean I'm
calling you dad."

951
00:45:44,783 --> 00:45:48,662
So that's what
was tearing at us,

952
00:45:49,913 --> 00:45:51,498
and I could see it was a truck.

953
00:45:51,498 --> 00:45:54,251
Truck? Truck, truck, truck.

954
00:45:55,419 --> 00:45:57,087
"Gimme a truck. I want a truck.

955
00:45:57,087 --> 00:45:58,839
Taller. Taller than that.

956
00:45:58,839 --> 00:46:00,174
Taller. Gimme another one.

957
00:46:00,174 --> 00:46:01,550
Put it on top of that one.

958
00:46:03,010 --> 00:46:04,303
Tall. Now wide.

959
00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:06,597
Make it a dually, thick.
I want a thick truck.

960
00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:10,601
I want a truck with sexy hips.

961
00:46:12,394 --> 00:46:16,023
I want a juicy, curvy truck.
I love my curvy truck.

962
00:46:16,023 --> 00:46:19,026
Gimme a thick, tall,
leggy, curvy truck.

963
00:46:19,026 --> 00:46:21,862
A big ass, breedable ass.

964
00:46:21,862 --> 00:46:24,281
Big, wide, breedable ass.

965
00:46:24,281 --> 00:46:26,366
Something I can hang on
to when we slow dance.

966
00:46:26,366 --> 00:46:28,744
Give me a big, thick,
curvy, but nuts.

967
00:46:28,744 --> 00:46:30,996
Put nuts on it. Make
sure there's nuts.

968
00:46:30,996 --> 00:46:32,289
Dangle some nuts.

969
00:46:32,289 --> 00:46:35,793
Dangle some little nuts
off that fuckable ass.

970
00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:38,045
Thick truck, thick
curvy truck with nuts.

971
00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:41,089
Yeah, she'll do, she'll do.

972
00:46:41,089 --> 00:46:43,675
I got her parked around
back, she'll tow it."

973
00:46:45,177 --> 00:46:47,221
Don't tell me you
don't understand
pronouns at that point

974
00:46:47,221 --> 00:46:49,723
when you got a big
curvy truck with nuts

975
00:46:49,723 --> 00:46:50,891
that you call she and her.

976
00:46:50,891 --> 00:46:52,726
"How can one thing be a they?"

977
00:46:52,726 --> 00:46:54,061
Look at your truck, dude.

978
00:46:56,063 --> 00:46:58,315
You fucking, you
white trashed yourself

979
00:46:58,315 --> 00:47:00,692
into being progressive,
you didn't even know it.

980
00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:05,572
And it was tall, and I get,
listen, and I get lift kits.

981
00:47:05,572 --> 00:47:08,408
I understand that there's some
utility to having a lift kit,

982
00:47:08,408 --> 00:47:10,577
especially out there, you
need ground clearance.

983
00:47:10,577 --> 00:47:12,454
But you know that
some of these dudes

984
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:13,956
that are getting
lift kits, like,

985
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:17,626
they're just using altitude
to hide from alimony payments.

986
00:47:17,626 --> 00:47:21,338
You can tell that some
of those guys have,

987
00:47:21,338 --> 00:47:23,257
you're probably here now,
you know what you did.

988
00:47:23,257 --> 00:47:24,091
You probably...

989
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:29,054
You concocted your own legal
loophole where you just,

990
00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:31,765
"You can't serve me papers
if you can't reach me, dude,

991
00:47:33,433 --> 00:47:35,644
that's the law,
that's just the law.

992
00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:36,645
That's the law."

993
00:47:42,943 --> 00:47:46,071
Just laying flat in the cab
whenever baby mamas come around

994
00:47:46,071 --> 00:47:47,072
looking for money.

995
00:47:50,784 --> 00:47:52,536
"Fuck, she still
out there, dude?

996
00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:56,957
Ugh, what money, Charise?
Look at this exhaust system.

997
00:47:56,957 --> 00:47:58,584
I don't have any money."

998
00:48:03,297 --> 00:48:06,008
So that's what's coming at me.

999
00:48:06,008 --> 00:48:07,217
As it gets close, I can see

1000
00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:08,468
that there's graphics
on the truck.

1001
00:48:08,468 --> 00:48:11,346
He's got graphics and
it's like a graphic,

1002
00:48:11,346 --> 00:48:13,640
like a wrap and it's,
the front of it,

1003
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,934
that's all I can see
so far, it's skulls.

1004
00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:18,228
Skulls. Yeah, skulls.

1005
00:48:18,228 --> 00:48:20,314
I get it. Skulls, they're
unicorns for dudes.

1006
00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:24,026
Skulls!

1007
00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:25,319
Now I can see the side.

1008
00:48:25,319 --> 00:48:27,237
I see that the skull
wrap, it gives away,

1009
00:48:27,237 --> 00:48:28,697
it didn't like fade
to the next deal.

1010
00:48:28,697 --> 00:48:30,782
It was like, it was
like clawed away.

1011
00:48:30,782 --> 00:48:32,993
Like the bald eagle
came and like,

1012
00:48:32,993 --> 00:48:36,288
"You experience the
justice," and then,

1013
00:48:37,748 --> 00:48:41,460
because then the back half
was just, it was all text,

1014
00:48:41,460 --> 00:48:44,671
it was all like script,

1015
00:48:44,671 --> 00:48:48,842
whatever font the Constitution's
written in, I don't know.

1016
00:48:48,842 --> 00:48:51,136
I don't know what it's called,
Patriot Sans or whatever,

1017
00:48:51,136 --> 00:48:51,970
but that,

1018
00:48:53,847 --> 00:48:56,642
that was all over the
curvy hips of the truck.

1019
00:48:59,394 --> 00:49:01,021
And I'm reading,
I'm like right away,

1020
00:49:01,021 --> 00:49:03,273
I'm assuming probably 2A,
probably Second Amendment,

1021
00:49:03,273 --> 00:49:04,733
that's the kind of thing
you see on this truck.

1022
00:49:04,733 --> 00:49:06,693
Never really championing
the First Amendment.

1023
00:49:06,693 --> 00:49:08,570
You never see a bumper
sticker on a truck like that

1024
00:49:08,570 --> 00:49:10,280
that's just like
"Sing Your Truth."

1025
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:13,158
It's never that, it's
usually some sort of

1026
00:49:13,158 --> 00:49:14,618
come and take it type situation.

1027
00:49:14,618 --> 00:49:16,370
So I'm reading it,
but as I'm reading it,

1028
00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:18,288
I don't see anything
about right to bear arms

1029
00:49:18,288 --> 00:49:19,831
or you know, defend,

1030
00:49:19,831 --> 00:49:23,168
I just see, shall
prevent against illegal
search and seizure

1031
00:49:23,168 --> 00:49:24,544
and personal property
and all that stuff.

1032
00:49:24,544 --> 00:49:27,339
I'm like, "That's
the Fourth Amendment.

1033
00:49:28,715 --> 00:49:30,592
My man Garrett has
his truck wrapped

1034
00:49:30,592 --> 00:49:31,843
in the Fourth Amendment."

1035
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:35,514
And that's when I realized
something very specific

1036
00:49:35,514 --> 00:49:36,723
had happened to Garrett.

1037
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:42,229
You don't just cherry
pick, you're not just like,

1038
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:43,647
"I'm an American. Pick one.

1039
00:49:43,647 --> 00:49:45,065
I don't care. Wrap it up, dude."

1040
00:49:46,525 --> 00:49:50,362
Something went wrong with
Garrett for him to be like,

1041
00:49:50,362 --> 00:49:53,115
Fourth Amendment so
that he got, I don't,

1042
00:49:53,115 --> 00:49:56,576
he got busted selling
reptile eggs on the dark web.

1043
00:49:58,328 --> 00:49:59,955
But he found a
flaw on the warrant

1044
00:49:59,955 --> 00:50:02,457
and decided he could
defend himself in court.

1045
00:50:02,457 --> 00:50:04,376
That's the best I come up with.

1046
00:50:04,376 --> 00:50:06,837
He just showed up and just,
you know, saying shit like,

1047
00:50:06,837 --> 00:50:09,548
"Well, respectfully,
Your Honor, okay.

1048
00:50:09,548 --> 00:50:11,758
The warrant is looking
for Bolivian salamanders,

1049
00:50:11,758 --> 00:50:14,261
and if I could point
you to exhibit A,

1050
00:50:14,261 --> 00:50:16,263
the evidentiary photographs,
and you do not see

1051
00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:19,266
any Bolivian salamander
eggs here, do you?

1052
00:50:19,266 --> 00:50:21,601
Not to the untrained
eye, but I can tell you

1053
00:50:21,601 --> 00:50:23,520
that these are Honduran geckos.

1054
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:29,026
Now, that is a similar spotting
for any people out there

1055
00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,736
that want, that's
a similar spotting,

1056
00:50:30,736 --> 00:50:34,197
but these are legal and
I believe the 13 to 18

1057
00:50:34,197 --> 00:50:38,160
of the lower contig, the
states that are stuck together.

1058
00:50:39,786 --> 00:50:41,621
As long as I fill out
the proper paperwork

1059
00:50:41,621 --> 00:50:44,416
at the post office, ergo,
ergo, Your Honor, respectfully,

1060
00:50:44,416 --> 00:50:45,500
this whole thing
should be thrown out.

1061
00:50:45,500 --> 00:50:47,335
Ergo respectfully."

1062
00:50:47,335 --> 00:50:48,962
And you can tell she had
just had enough, she's like,

1063
00:50:48,962 --> 00:50:50,672
"That's the third time
this week, Garrett.

1064
00:50:50,672 --> 00:50:53,675
No, goddammit, $75 fine."

1065
00:50:53,675 --> 00:50:55,385
And that's what just sent
him over the edge, like,

1066
00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:57,471
"Not in my America. Hell no!

1067
00:50:57,471 --> 00:51:01,224
You do not tread on me. I
will not be treadeth upon.

1068
00:51:01,224 --> 00:51:03,727
You're treading on me, I
don't wanna be treaded on,

1069
00:51:03,727 --> 00:51:05,979
just fucking wrap the
truck, Fourth Amendment.

1070
00:51:05,979 --> 00:51:08,273
I'm not putting up
with this shit no more.

1071
00:51:09,441 --> 00:51:12,611
You do not tread on
me. You, nobody tread.

1072
00:51:12,611 --> 00:51:14,863
By the way, by the way, I
do have the rattlesnake eggs

1073
00:51:14,863 --> 00:51:16,490
from that don't
tread on me flag,

1074
00:51:18,116 --> 00:51:19,576
but hit me up on my Hotmail

1075
00:51:19,576 --> 00:51:22,037
because the feds are monitoring
my Yahoo! account all right?

1076
00:51:27,501 --> 00:51:28,794
I'm still just
making up the stuff.

1077
00:51:28,794 --> 00:51:30,170
I've not met Garrett yet.

1078
00:51:31,963 --> 00:51:34,216
First impression I have
of Garrett were his feet.

1079
00:51:34,216 --> 00:51:36,134
I saw his feet 'cause I
was on the passenger side.

1080
00:51:36,134 --> 00:51:37,886
I was eye level
with the step rail.

1081
00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:41,389
First thing I saw of
Garrett was underneath.

1082
00:51:41,389 --> 00:51:42,516
I couldn't see in the truck.

1083
00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:44,059
I could see
underneath the truck.

1084
00:51:44,059 --> 00:51:46,728
I saw two little dangling
slip-on Vans tennis shoes.

1085
00:51:46,728 --> 00:51:47,604
That's what I saw.

1086
00:51:48,772 --> 00:51:50,690
Just out there, just
looking for the ground.

1087
00:51:50,690 --> 00:51:52,609
Just, you know.

1088
00:51:53,777 --> 00:51:56,738
And I do not, I,
for all the details,

1089
00:51:56,738 --> 00:51:58,532
I do not remember
the size of Garrett.

1090
00:51:58,532 --> 00:51:59,825
I don't remember
because all I know

1091
00:51:59,825 --> 00:52:01,201
is that if you have
to exit your vehicle

1092
00:52:01,201 --> 00:52:02,619
like you're leaving
a tree house,

1093
00:52:02,619 --> 00:52:03,995
you're gonna look
like a little fella.

1094
00:52:05,705 --> 00:52:07,958
You're gonna look tinier
than you really are.

1095
00:52:09,042 --> 00:52:10,252
But I kind of liked
him right away

1096
00:52:10,252 --> 00:52:11,878
because he had to take
that leap of faith

1097
00:52:11,878 --> 00:52:13,463
to get out of there,
and he did it.

1098
00:52:13,463 --> 00:52:15,715
Even without seeing him, I
could see it was a good attitude

1099
00:52:15,715 --> 00:52:16,967
'cause the way he came
down with a real like a,

1100
00:52:16,967 --> 00:52:18,593
"Ha ha, here's Garrett."

1101
00:52:21,888 --> 00:52:25,225
Like a real, like real ginger
outlook on him. I liked it.

1102
00:52:26,143 --> 00:52:27,561
So he came around the front,

1103
00:52:28,937 --> 00:52:31,898
and this is the first time
now I'm seeing Garrett

1104
00:52:31,898 --> 00:52:36,194
in his full form,
and he had this look,

1105
00:52:36,194 --> 00:52:37,988
you probably know
his look out here.

1106
00:52:37,988 --> 00:52:40,448
It's very much a west
coast kind of look.

1107
00:52:40,448 --> 00:52:43,368
I don't know how to
describe. It's like...

1108
00:52:43,368 --> 00:52:46,204
It's kinda like LA gangster,

1109
00:52:46,204 --> 00:52:49,749
but then it's also like
white trash kind of dude.

1110
00:52:49,749 --> 00:52:52,919
Not in a, but like
Suicidal Tendencies

1111
00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:55,922
meets Supercross
kind of look, like...

1112
00:52:57,924 --> 00:53:00,886
You know, it's like,
it's the tall socks

1113
00:53:00,886 --> 00:53:04,681
and the long shorts, but then
it's a Monster Energy shirt,

1114
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:07,934
or some sort of energy
drink, and then,

1115
00:53:07,934 --> 00:53:09,561
but, like, the kind of
guy that you could tell,

1116
00:53:09,561 --> 00:53:11,938
even if he only spent one
night in jail for a DUI,

1117
00:53:11,938 --> 00:53:14,441
still, like, saying like,
"Back when I was incarcerated."

1118
00:53:14,441 --> 00:53:16,651
Like they love...

1119
00:53:16,651 --> 00:53:18,403
Something about the
hard C in incarcerated.

1120
00:53:18,403 --> 00:53:20,071
"Oh, man, when I
was incarcerated,"

1121
00:53:20,071 --> 00:53:21,865
like you were
there for 12 hours.

1122
00:53:24,826 --> 00:53:26,620
And then the face is
always too young for that.

1123
00:53:26,620 --> 00:53:28,788
And I'm still
scared of that look.

1124
00:53:28,788 --> 00:53:30,290
Whatever age, I don't care,

1125
00:53:30,290 --> 00:53:32,667
because even if you're not
tough, you're still crazy.

1126
00:53:32,667 --> 00:53:34,753
You still have,
like, sleeve tattoos

1127
00:53:34,753 --> 00:53:37,839
and you do weird
flips on motorcycles.

1128
00:53:37,839 --> 00:53:39,299
I'm not gonna fight you.

1129
00:53:39,299 --> 00:53:42,177
You know you have butterfly
knives that you're clumsy with,

1130
00:53:42,177 --> 00:53:43,637
but will still take them out.

1131
00:53:44,763 --> 00:53:46,473
"Fucking what, bro? What?

1132
00:53:57,359 --> 00:53:59,653
Flurry of chrome, dude.
Flurry of chrome."

1133
00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:04,991
And then the neck up, it's
always too young of a face.

1134
00:54:06,159 --> 00:54:08,453
It's a goatee, but you
could tell it's a goatee

1135
00:54:08,453 --> 00:54:10,205
that they dream
that it was bigger.

1136
00:54:10,205 --> 00:54:11,873
You could tell they
asked Jesus for it.

1137
00:54:11,873 --> 00:54:13,917
They're like, at night, just.

1138
00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:14,751
"Please?"

1139
00:54:15,627 --> 00:54:16,836
Doink. "Oh, thank you."

1140
00:54:19,172 --> 00:54:22,050
And the part that
throws me off the most

1141
00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:24,719
is that there's always
a flat-brim hat.

1142
00:54:24,719 --> 00:54:27,722
Flat-brim ball hat
that's way too big.

1143
00:54:27,722 --> 00:54:29,557
It always looks like
a Peanuts character.

1144
00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:35,647
And then they tuck their
ears into the side.

1145
00:54:35,647 --> 00:54:37,691
Do you guys know this
look I'm talking about?

1146
00:54:37,691 --> 00:54:41,319
All right, the ear thing
throws me off the most

1147
00:54:41,319 --> 00:54:43,780
because the rest of it like,
"All right, kind of a gnarly,

1148
00:54:43,780 --> 00:54:46,783
you know, desert tweaker,
mountain weirdo, I get it."

1149
00:54:46,783 --> 00:54:50,870
But then the ears in the
hat thing is always like,

1150
00:54:50,870 --> 00:54:52,706
now that's, like,
real Rudy vibes

1151
00:54:52,706 --> 00:54:55,542
that undermine the whole
toughness of the rest of it,

1152
00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:56,710
'cause it's like kind of tough,

1153
00:54:56,710 --> 00:54:58,503
kind of tough,
tough, tough, tough,

1154
00:54:58,503 --> 00:54:59,713
and then up here it's just like,

1155
00:54:59,713 --> 00:55:01,673
"Coach says once I
grow into the uniform,

1156
00:55:01,673 --> 00:55:03,174
I'm gonna be a real scrapper."

1157
00:55:05,343 --> 00:55:07,804
And that's so confusing.

1158
00:55:07,804 --> 00:55:10,724
Either way, that's
who stood before me.

1159
00:55:12,267 --> 00:55:13,184
This was Garrett.

1160
00:55:14,602 --> 00:55:16,438
And he didn't waste any time,
he goes, "That's your van?"

1161
00:55:16,438 --> 00:55:18,732
I'm like, "Yeah." He's
like, " Fucking sick" and...

1162
00:55:19,858 --> 00:55:22,444
Went, he just had
chains, chains, chains,

1163
00:55:22,444 --> 00:55:25,447
got right back into his truck,
got in, rolled some coal,

1164
00:55:25,447 --> 00:55:28,366
pulled me right back
onto the dirt road now.

1165
00:55:28,366 --> 00:55:30,994
Yeah, and that was it.
That happened that fast.

1166
00:55:30,994 --> 00:55:33,246
Then I was like, "Oh, shit,
this is great. I'm saved."

1167
00:55:33,246 --> 00:55:34,748
What I realized then is that

1168
00:55:34,748 --> 00:55:37,000
we had not discussed
payment yet.

1169
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:38,835
Yeah, we didn't
go over that part.

1170
00:55:38,835 --> 00:55:42,714
Now I am in the desert and
I owe a stranger a favor.

1171
00:55:46,926 --> 00:55:48,636
And it's not often
that, later in life,

1172
00:55:48,636 --> 00:55:50,430
you get to have a
new kind of fear.

1173
00:55:53,266 --> 00:55:55,727
But I was like, "Uh oh, we
didn't talk about money.

1174
00:55:55,727 --> 00:55:58,438
I don't have cash and
I don't have grass.

1175
00:56:05,278 --> 00:56:07,781
I guess what I have right
now is a very open mind."

1176
00:56:13,161 --> 00:56:14,579
But I did have credit cards.

1177
00:56:16,122 --> 00:56:17,624
Garrett said, "He's like $200."

1178
00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:18,917
I was like, "Oh, do
you take credit cards?"

1179
00:56:18,917 --> 00:56:20,794
He goes, "I'll take
your credit cards."

1180
00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:27,050
"I meant as payment, not as
just strong-arm robbery."

1181
00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:31,221
He's like, "No, no I got a
Square for my phone to swipe."

1182
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:32,472
I'm like, "Of course you do,

1183
00:56:32,472 --> 00:56:33,807
it's great service
out here of course.

1184
00:56:35,100 --> 00:56:36,726
Full bars. Yeah, okay."

1185
00:56:36,726 --> 00:56:37,977
But he's like, "$200."

1186
00:56:37,977 --> 00:56:39,187
I'm like, "There's no
way it's gonna be $200."

1187
00:56:39,187 --> 00:56:40,647
Just tell me what
you're gonna buy

1188
00:56:40,647 --> 00:56:42,524
when you steal my
credit card information,

1189
00:56:42,524 --> 00:56:43,525
I'll get it for you.

1190
00:56:43,525 --> 00:56:45,860
I don't wanna reset pin numbers,

1191
00:56:45,860 --> 00:56:48,738
just put together an Amazon
wishlist like a porn star.

1192
00:56:48,738 --> 00:56:50,448
I owe you. Let me hook you up."

1193
00:56:54,119 --> 00:56:55,620
That was it. It was $200.

1194
00:56:55,620 --> 00:56:57,080
There's no discrepancies on
my credit card statements,

1195
00:56:57,080 --> 00:56:58,289
and he got me out of there.

1196
00:56:58,289 --> 00:57:00,166
And that's the
end of that story,

1197
00:57:00,166 --> 00:57:01,084
and it should be a good end.

1198
00:57:01,084 --> 00:57:03,670
It is a good end in theory.

1199
00:57:03,670 --> 00:57:05,755
Well, the reason
it's not a good end

1200
00:57:05,755 --> 00:57:09,843
is because now I can't judge
dudes like Garrett anymore,

1201
00:57:12,846 --> 00:57:14,305
and that sucks.

1202
00:57:14,305 --> 00:57:16,141
At 45, you wanna be like,
"I'm set in my ways.

1203
00:57:16,141 --> 00:57:17,434
I got things figured out."

1204
00:57:17,434 --> 00:57:18,685
Now, all of a sudden,

1205
00:57:18,685 --> 00:57:21,104
I can't judge a book
by it's cover anymore.

1206
00:57:21,104 --> 00:57:23,523
And that's a drag. That's
my safe place in this world.

1207
00:57:23,523 --> 00:57:25,733
That's where I feel
comfortable is walking around,

1208
00:57:25,733 --> 00:57:28,361
thinking I got everybody
figured out and so fuck them.

1209
00:57:28,361 --> 00:57:30,363
That's how I feel good.

1210
00:57:30,363 --> 00:57:32,073
"Look at you, you
dress like an asshole.

1211
00:57:32,073 --> 00:57:33,533
I bet your kids don't love you.

1212
00:57:33,533 --> 00:57:35,452
Oof, you got a girl
pregnant in high school.

1213
00:57:36,870 --> 00:57:38,371
Thank God I'm better than
everybody around me."

1214
00:57:38,371 --> 00:57:40,415
But no, now Garrett
has to come along

1215
00:57:40,415 --> 00:57:41,916
and flip the script on me

1216
00:57:41,916 --> 00:57:44,377
and now I gotta sit behind
those trucks on the highway

1217
00:57:44,377 --> 00:57:46,588
and think, like, instead of
wanting to see 'em flip over

1218
00:57:46,588 --> 00:57:47,839
and burst into flames, I'm like,

1219
00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:49,424
"You might be saving
an asshole like me

1220
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:51,217
from dying in the
middle of nowhere.

1221
00:57:51,217 --> 00:57:53,136
Godspeed, Garrett. I don't
know what to tell you."

1222
00:57:54,888 --> 00:57:56,681
And it's weird because
and I think the world

1223
00:57:56,681 --> 00:57:58,183
wants me to learn this lesson.

1224
00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:00,477
It's a bad character trait
to be judgmental like that.

1225
00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:02,061
And I know that and
I'm still that way.

1226
00:58:02,061 --> 00:58:03,813
Garrett, that was part
one of the lesson.

1227
00:58:03,813 --> 00:58:06,149
I think part two is
the fact that at 45,

1228
00:58:06,149 --> 00:58:09,068
I dunno if it's age or if
it's different medications

1229
00:58:09,068 --> 00:58:11,321
that I'm on now because
my various ailments,

1230
00:58:11,321 --> 00:58:14,532
I always have some
pee in my pants.

1231
00:58:14,532 --> 00:58:15,450
That's...

1232
00:58:17,535 --> 00:58:18,369
Just...

1233
00:58:20,914 --> 00:58:23,541
As sure as rain's wet.
I'll tell you, I always.

1234
00:58:23,541 --> 00:58:24,959
Not enough to go to the doctor,

1235
00:58:24,959 --> 00:58:27,962
but enough to keep me
humble, so I leave it there.

1236
00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:30,256
I leave it there because I
wanna be a better person.

1237
00:58:30,256 --> 00:58:32,759
It's like just a half
dollar's worth at all times.

1238
00:58:34,052 --> 00:58:35,553
I don't want it there.

1239
00:58:35,553 --> 00:58:38,765
I shake twice and then I
strangle it a little bit,

1240
00:58:38,765 --> 00:58:39,974
like it owes me money, like,

1241
00:58:39,974 --> 00:58:41,142
"We're not gonna
do the drip again."

1242
00:58:41,142 --> 00:58:42,602
"Nah, boss man. Nah."

1243
00:58:42,602 --> 00:58:45,355
And as soon as I put it back
in my pants, complete betrayal.

1244
00:58:47,273 --> 00:58:48,900
Just a three-lick
little cat bath

1245
00:58:48,900 --> 00:58:50,443
right in the front
of my underpants.

1246
00:58:50,443 --> 00:58:51,402
Meow, meow, meow,
just right there

1247
00:58:51,402 --> 00:58:53,238
on the front of the, god, guys.

1248
00:58:53,238 --> 00:58:55,114
Cold tip, permanent cold tip.

1249
00:58:57,200 --> 00:58:58,701
So between Garrett and that,

1250
00:58:58,701 --> 00:59:00,662
I think the universe is
trying to keep me in line,

1251
00:59:00,662 --> 00:59:02,914
'cause I'll still, I'll
revert to that kind of way,

1252
00:59:02,914 --> 00:59:05,291
where I'm like, "Look at
this asshole over here.

1253
00:59:06,751 --> 00:59:09,754
Oh, I bet you got a girl
knocked up in high school

1254
00:59:09,754 --> 00:59:11,631
and then you never
talked to her again."

1255
00:59:11,631 --> 00:59:13,132
And then some part
of my brain's like,

1256
00:59:13,132 --> 00:59:14,425
"You think he's got some
pee in his pants right now?"

1257
00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:16,886
"You know what? Probably not.

1258
00:59:16,886 --> 00:59:18,096
I don't know anything about you.

1259
00:59:18,096 --> 00:59:19,597
You don't know
anything about me.

1260
00:59:19,597 --> 00:59:21,516
Let's just get on this world
and be okay with each other."

1261
00:59:21,516 --> 00:59:23,476
Salt Lake City, thank
you so very much.

1262
00:59:25,687 --> 00:59:27,438
I can't thank you enough.

1263
00:59:46,749 --> 00:59:51,337
♪ As I watched the smoke
settle on the palms ♪

1264
00:59:51,337 --> 00:59:55,883
♪ I hear a whisper
through the trees ♪

1265
00:59:55,883 --> 01:00:00,597
♪ A little dream I had
when I was but a lad ♪

1266
01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:05,435
♪ That life is surely
beaten and set free ♪

1267
01:00:05,435 --> 01:00:10,106
♪ And now I am the king
of absolutely nothing ♪

1268
01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:15,111
♪ A belly that is
proud and full ♪

1269
01:00:16,195 --> 01:00:20,366
♪ Empty bottle,
empty, empty bottle ♪

1270
01:00:20,366 --> 01:00:23,536
♪ Empty drinks for you

1271
01:00:24,746 --> 01:00:26,164
- [Man] Thank you very much.