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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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* I just did a thing
I said I won't do *

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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* I just did a thing I said
I don't do *

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* Big track up 'cause I'm
about to go, cool *

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* 'Cause I just lied to
the big man I spoke to *

7
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* I gotta get this together

8
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* But my wild side
was like whatever *

9
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,356
* My mom said,
Jay, I'm worried *

10
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* Baby, you need to get
your life together *

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* Well, Mama,
do you know the pressure *

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* Of life's pleasures
when them nuts sweat you-- *

13
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Cut it off!

14
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:32,866
What's going on, New York?
How y'all feel, baby?

15
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:36,970
[cheers and applause]

16
00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:39,107
Oh, man.

17
00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:43,244
Jay Pharoah taping his
special in New York, bitch.

18
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,913
I love New York, man.
Got everything here.

19
00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:47,215
Everything!

20
00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:48,949
You got foreigners.

21
00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:50,884
Statue of Liberty.

22
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,753
Beautiful women.

23
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,588
Ebola.

24
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:56,124
You might as well laugh,
folks,

25
00:00:56,124 --> 00:00:58,226
'cause we all gonna die
in about a couple of months.

26
00:00:58,226 --> 00:01:00,361
That Ebola shit
is no joke.

27
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:03,164
I never thought that HIV
could be the lesser.

28
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,632
You know what I mean?

29
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You hear conversations like,

30
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"Yo, man, I got HIV."

31
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:11,672
"Oh, that's cool.

32
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:14,675
"As long as you ain't got
that Ebola shit.

33
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,344
"Come over here,
drink from my cups.

34
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,179
Come over here."

35
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,647
I'm gonna tell you, look,

36
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I don't even shake
nobody's hands no more.

37
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I'm telling you this.
I don't fist bump.

38
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None of that shit.
I do this just right here.

39
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,155
If you can't do this,
then you can't get down with me.

40
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This is "Elbow-la," nigga.
That's what this is.

41
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,559
Elbow-la.
I don't play.

42
00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:33,494
I was in the Western Union
the other day.

43
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,896
You know, 'cause my family
is awesome.

44
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:39,933
And, um, there was
a dude behind me, right?

45
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Dude behind me,
he was just hacking.

46
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"A-hock-a-da-hock-a-da-
hock-a-da."

47
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,507
And even though I knew
he was from the Middle East,

48
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,942
I was still
a little bit scared,

49
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,945
because the chick behind him
was just sneezing, achoo!

50
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I was in that bitch
looking like ISIS, just...

51
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I looked like ISIS.

52
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"I See Infected
Sons of bitches."

53
00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:03,291
That's what it is.

54
00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:04,758
But damn,
this shit's crazy, man.

55
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,427
We gotta do something.
It's crazy.

56
00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:09,029
I love New York.

57
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,764
Doing a show here, man.

58
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:13,100
You know, 'cause sometimes
I do shows in weird places.

59
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:16,204
Like, I just came back
from Seattle, Washington.

60
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That place is weird.

61
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'Cause Richard Sherman
is there,

62
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and I'm scared of that guy,
okay?

63
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'Cause he's so forceful
for no reason, right?

64
00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:28,882
"Well, when you
put me up against

65
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,451
"a sorry receiver
like Crabtree,

66
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:31,852
that's what you gonna get!"

67
00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:33,954
I said, "Calm down.
It's not that serious."

68
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,856
Ladies, let me tell you
something.

69
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:38,492
That's the type of dude,
if he say you in a relationship,

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you's in a relationship.

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There's nothing you can do
about it.

72
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He walk right up to you,
"You coming with me."

73
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You say, "Bitch, I guess
I'm going with him then.

74
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"Fuck it.

75
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That's my baby now."

76
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I'm serious, man.

77
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Oh, boy,
it's so diverse in here.

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[laughter]

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I love it.

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Ten Black people.
Thank y'all for coming.

81
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:02,450
It's--

82
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,785
[cheers and applause]

83
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:10,724
You aware that we are seriously
a minority right now,

84
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:12,125
and it's--
and it's cool.

85
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:14,094
You know what,
'cause I love white folks.

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You gotta understand,
I do.

87
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,765
You know, 'cause when I first
moved to New York,

88
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I moved into
a dangerous neighborhood.

89
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,502
And when I saw
y'all walking around,

90
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I felt safe.

91
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:31,845
'Cause I know when it
all come down to it,

92
00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:36,584
y'all would get robbed
before I will.

93
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,752
Now I know you're looking
at me like that's a punk move,

94
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but I ain't a punk,
I'm a survivor.

95
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It's a difference, okay?

96
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:44,292
'Cause if I see
a 7'16" nigga

97
00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:47,361
come in here right now,
talking about he robbing us...

98
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:49,330
[laughs]

99
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:52,032
I'm switching sides.
I'm just letting you know.

100
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:54,001
He gonna be like,
"Everybody, get on the ground."

101
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I'm gonna be like, "Yeah,
everybody get on the ground.

102
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This is a stickup, bitch."

103
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:04,512
'Cause I ain't no punk.
I'm a survivor, you feel me?

104
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:06,179
Even in my woman selection.

105
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:08,682
That's why I can never mess with
somebody like Serena Williams.

106
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,183
Mm-mm.

107
00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:12,453
That's a big woman, ain't it?

108
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She look like the type,

109
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,623
as soon as you put
your thing in her,

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00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:19,026
she will clinch up
every muscle in her body

111
00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:22,129
and just detach
your penis, right?

112
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,965
Somehow suck it up
all the way through her body

113
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,400
and then spit it out
in her hand like,

114
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"Pfft, take your
little dick back, nigga."

115
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:33,374
[laughter and applause]

116
00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,743
And would have to sit there

117
00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:39,480
and then pick it up

118
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,449
and walk off with it.

119
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'Cause you ain't gonna
fight her.

120
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,217
Look at her.

121
00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:45,886
She's bigger
than an Avatar.

122
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,220
She's humungous.

123
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,390
Mutombo wouldn't
sleep with her.

124
00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:50,724
He'd be like...

125
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,092
[imitating Dikembe Mutombo]
"No, no, no, no.

126
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:56,229
That bitch, not in my house,
no, no, no, no."

127
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,098
Speaking of big stuff,
I'm sorry, y'all.

128
00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,500
I gotta get this
out of my pocket.

129
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,835
Look at this
big-ass phone.

130
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,971
This don't make no sense.

131
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,373
Y'all remember when phones--

132
00:05:05,373 --> 00:05:07,508
I got ear cancer right now.
I know I do.

133
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:10,378
Y'all remember when phones
was getting smaller and smaller

134
00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:11,745
and smaller?

135
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,647
Now they're getting
bigger and bigger and bigger.

136
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:17,385
By 2017, people are gonna be
walking around just like this.

137
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:19,987
Be like, "Yo, man,
did you get my text message?"

138
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,156
"God got your text messages."

139
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,825
I can't stand these phones.

140
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,894
They think they can tell you
what you can

141
00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:28,496
and what you can't say.

142
00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:29,663
You ever had that?

143
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,432
"Ooh, you spelled
a word wrong."

144
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:34,167
Let me tell you something,
smartphone.

145
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,437
I spent $500 for you.

146
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,406
If I want to spell
"crusty" with a "K,"

147
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:41,575
then, bitch,
I'm gonna do it!

148
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,043
[cheers and applause]

149
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,679
Messing up
my damn conversation.

150
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,248
I'm on my phone,
on my Facebook,

151
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:53,020
trying to type in
"Happy birthday, Tupac."

152
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:56,724
But the autocorrect
gonna change it to,

153
00:05:56,724 --> 00:06:00,461
"Happy birthday, Tuna."

154
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,530
I had 200 likes.

155
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,802
And some dumbass
even commented under,

156
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:12,873
"I didn't even know
tuna fish was created today."

157
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,445
And you ever had somebody
say something so stupid

158
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:19,447
to you on Facebook,
you just had to go

159
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:22,149
investigate their profile
just a little bit?

160
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,184
Like, I went
to the man's profile.

161
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,987
He said he was studying
to be an RN.

162
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,690
I said,
"Ha, you already an RN."

163
00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:33,160
A retarded nigga!

164
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,629
And shout-out to everybody
in here right now,

165
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:36,997
shout-out to everybody

166
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:39,633
who got a smartphone
with a cracked screen.

167
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,068
Mm-hmm.

168
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,971
Talking about you waiting
for your upgrade.

169
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:46,373
But your shit ain't till
two years later.

170
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,241
So every time
you get a text message,

171
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,478
you're getting glass shards
in your finger and shit.

172
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:52,813
Girl talking about, "Why it
take you so long to text back?"

173
00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:55,816
"'Cause it hurts, bitch!"

174
00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,685
And they got
this stupid app now,

175
00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,186
and it's called Snapchat.

176
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,788
I don't know if y'all
have heard of this.

177
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:03,491
That is the dumbest app
I have ever heard of.

178
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:06,259
It's an app that allows you
to take a picture

179
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,728
and send it to somebody,

180
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:10,898
and it disappears
within a matter of seconds.

181
00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:12,099
It's kinda like this, ladies.

182
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:13,634
I sent you a picture
of my dick.

183
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,969
No, I didn't.

184
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,672
I had a chick, right,
and she was looking sexy, man.

185
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,574
She had on
the thigh-high stockings.

186
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:23,511
She had her breasts all out,
and she was looking amazing.

187
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,646
And she sent me
this damn picture,

188
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:26,980
but it disappeared.

189
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,583
I was like...

190
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:32,085
I texted her back
mad as hell like,

191
00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:33,987
"What the hell did you
send me this for?

192
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,823
"I can't jerk off
in five seconds!

193
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:37,424
What the hell?"

194
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:39,527
You find somebody that can
jerk off in five seconds,

195
00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:41,762
they need to be put in the
Guinness Book of World Records,

196
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:44,632
and they need to fun
for the presidency next term,

197
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,266
'cause they can
get shit done fast.

198
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:48,168
That's all I'm saying.

199
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,538
But not me.

200
00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:52,940
I'm not a punk.
I'm a survivor, man.

201
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:54,374
Give y'all some background.

202
00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:57,110
You know me, I used to work
at Golden Corral.

203
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:58,812
[cheers and applause]

204
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,748
"Whoo," my ass.

205
00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:02,282
That place is terrible.

206
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:05,586
As soon as you walk in, it
smell like diabetes, don't it?

207
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,387
You know it's bad
when the only good thing

208
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,122
you can say about
your establishment is,

209
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:10,691
"Uh, we got
a chocolate fountain."

210
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,259
That's the best thing
about it.

211
00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:15,062
I seen a nigga
put a steak in there.

212
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:20,133
And he was just turning it like
a rotisserie chicken, just...

213
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:23,236
I said, "Your fat ass
gonna die, man."

214
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,705
Now I used to work
in the back,

215
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:26,373
washing the plates,
the knives and the forks

216
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:27,875
with my white friend, James.

217
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,810
Now, there was
an old Black dude named Fred,

218
00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:32,279
he used to wash
the pots and the pans.

219
00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,881
Now Chris Rock
said it the best

220
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,082
about old Black men.

221
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,383
He said it the best,
he said...

222
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:39,653
[imitating Chris Rock]
"Old Black men

223
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:42,756
"are the most racist people
in the world.

224
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:45,593
"Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck are you?

225
00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:50,397
"Who the fuck are you
to talk about...

226
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,904
"They don't even fucking
fight you.

227
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:59,973
They just shoot you, ahh."

228
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:03,410
So they decided to send rolls
to the back, right?

229
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,312
I thought it'd be funny
to pick up a roll

230
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,380
and throw it at Fred.

231
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,382
'Cause I like messing
with people.

232
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,719
I picked up the roll,
I threw it at Fred.

233
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,621
It hit him,
hit his water.

234
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,656
The water splashed him
in his face.

235
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:18,892
But he thought
that James threw the roll.

236
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,628
Yeah, "Oh, shit," right?

237
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:22,362
So in the back
of Golden Corral,

238
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:23,831
I kid you not,

239
00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:26,934
he had a civil rights
flashback right there.

240
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,236
And it's like
he turned back into a slave

241
00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:30,871
as soon as it happened, man.

242
00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:33,006
He said, "Woosh!"

243
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:36,644
[breathing heavily]

244
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:40,848
[humming traditional
spiritual song]

245
00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:43,350
"Hey, cracker!

246
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:45,653
"You's throw another roll,

247
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,455
and I's gonna fuck you up."

248
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:51,692
Now, New York,
I had a decision to make.

249
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:59,733
But I ain't no punk,
I'm a survivor, so I was like,

250
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:02,870
"Yeah, throw another roll,
cracker."

251
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:03,937
And I was like...

252
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,273
* Wade in the water

253
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,375
* Wade in the water

254
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,878
* Whoa wade in the water

255
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,447
* Me and Fred
gonna stick together *

256
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,783
'Cause I ain't a punk.

257
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,150
(all)
I'm a survivor.

258
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,585
Hell, yeah.

259
00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,788
That's why I can't
smoke weed.

260
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,890
Weed is dangerous
for somebody like me.

261
00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:25,592
I already got too many voices
in my head.

262
00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:28,261
Last time I smoked weed,

263
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:29,930
I got so high

264
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:35,635
I was driving around
looking for my car keys.

265
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,905
Just stopping people
in my neighborhood.

266
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:41,675
"Hey, yo, you seen
my car keys, man?"

267
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:44,511
[laughs]

268
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:47,580
"No, for real.
You seen my car keys?"

269
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,582
The dude that I asked,
he was high too.

270
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:51,985
He was like, "Maybe you should
keep driving around

271
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,287
till you find them."

272
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,823
But I was so messed up,
I was like,

273
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:58,291
"That's a good idea.
I'm gonna keep driving."

274
00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,693
I can't do it.

275
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:01,328
I'm messed up, man.
I'm messed up.

276
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,496
I went to the West Coast.
I did a show out in Oakland.

277
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,198
That's already
a bad situation.

278
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:08,936
And I had something
called a weed cookie.

279
00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:10,437
[crowd oohs]

280
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:12,072
Yes, "Ooh," is right.

281
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:15,743
I was high
for two days straight.

282
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:18,245
It was so bad,
I was in my hotel room

283
00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,748
in the bathroom mirror

284
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:24,852
having an in-depth
conversation with myself

285
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:28,856
about why I should
keep my voice down.

286
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,858
Because the walls were thin,

287
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,761
and the next-door neighbors
was gonna think I was crazy.

288
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,362
So I'm in my hotel room

289
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:38,098
looking and sounding like
Sméagol from Lord of the Rings.

290
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:40,133
It was--it was off.
I was like...

291
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,634
[imitating Gollum]
"You must stop talking

292
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,070
"to yourself, Precious.

293
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:46,539
"You must stop talking
to yourself."

294
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,609
"No, no, do what you want.

295
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:51,478
"It's fine.

296
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:52,880
"Gollum! Gollum!

297
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,815
"No.

298
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:57,217
"They're gonna think
we're crazy.

299
00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:00,120
"They're gonna think
we're like Kanye West

300
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:04,224
or Miley Cyrus."

301
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,126
And I kid you not--

302
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:09,162
I kid you not, I heard
somebody in the next room

303
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,798
on the telephone like,

304
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:13,466
"Yo, I think there's
18 people in there.

305
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:16,469
And that's a fire hazard.
We can't have that."

306
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,805
I'm not the type
who can do it.

307
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:19,706
Dave Chappelle,
totally different.

308
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:21,174
One of my comedic idols.

309
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,811
That man can smoke
as much weed as he wants to,

310
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,879
and it would not once
mess with his creativity.

311
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:27,314
He even lets you know.

312
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:29,316
[imitating Dave Chappelle]
"Hold on, baby.

313
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:31,151
"Now, I smoke weed, nigga, oh.

314
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,821
"Weed is good for
your system nigga, oh.

315
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,823
"Sometimes
when you smoke weed

316
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,590
"you get
a Comedy Central show.

317
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,526
"A chaya-ching,
a chaya-ching!

318
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:42,362
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

319
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,097
"Oh!

320
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,665
"Yeah, baby.

321
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:47,000
"Unh!

322
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,837
It's purple, bitch!"

323
00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:51,671
Let me tell you,
and they used to smoke

324
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:53,006
all the time
when I was in school,

325
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,507
and I ain't never partake.

326
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:55,843
I was an outcast in school.

327
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,044
A lot of folks
are always like,

328
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:58,511
"Jay Pharoah,
how you learn to come up

329
00:12:58,511 --> 00:12:59,947
with so many voices?"

330
00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,915
I be like, "Because
I had no fucking friends.

331
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:03,750
I had to make people up."

332
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:06,854
That's why I get mad
when people talk about bullying,

333
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:08,088
like it's such a bad thing.

334
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:10,357
You hear the,
"Stop the bullying!"

335
00:13:10,357 --> 00:13:12,025
Shut your dumb ass up!

336
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:14,161
If I wouldn't have got bullied
the way I got bullied,

337
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:16,296
I wouldn't be on national
television right now.

338
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,765
So all the time
it's not a bad thing.

339
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,300
All right?

340
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,370
Shoot, 'cause these little kids
are punk asses nowadays.

341
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:24,872
They are punk asses.

342
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,473
They be coming home bitching,

343
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,108
"Ehh!

344
00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:30,377
He's bullying me."

345
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:31,611
"Well, bully him."

346
00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,713
"Ehh!

347
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,448
He's talking about me."

348
00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:36,483
"Talk about his ass."

349
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,451
"Ehh!

350
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:39,953
He hit me with a car."

351
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,354
"Then, bitch, shoot him.
How 'bout that?

352
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:44,657
You know what I'm saying?"
Okay, all right.

353
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:45,792
I know.

354
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:47,727
I shouldn't talk about guns.

355
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,462
We've had
terrible things happen.

356
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,031
To the people
in the Boston bombing,

357
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,499
my heart goes out to them.

358
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,034
To the people in
The Dark Knight shooting,

359
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,535
my heart goes out to them.

360
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:57,237
Anybody that's lost their life
to gun violence

361
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:59,472
or any artillery,
my heart goes out to them.

362
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:01,741
It's not a good thing.

363
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:05,478
[cheers and applause]

364
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:09,249
But I be thinking...

365
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,384
about that Dark Knight thing.

366
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,120
And, uh,
there couldn't have been

367
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,455
no hood Black people there,
right?

368
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,925
'Cause they would've had
they guns ready, right?

369
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,826
Like, as soon as he pulled
his thing out, they'd be like,

370
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:22,062
[imitates gun cocking]
"What's your problem, dog?

371
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,397
"You better go somewhere
with that bull, bro.

372
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:27,067
"We've been waiting two months
to see this movie, all right?

373
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,937
You better go shoot up
Ice Age 4."

374
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:34,975
And then
in the Boston bombing,

375
00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:36,609
they couldn't even
get no Black people

376
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,646
'cause we was already
finished with the race, so...

377
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:43,183
[laughter and applause]

378
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:46,286
We was at IHOP
just eating a short stack,

379
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:50,090
looking at the damn--
like, "What?

380
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:53,160
"When in the hell
did this happen?

381
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,429
"This Rooty Tooty
Fresh 'N Fruity

382
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:59,299
good as a bitch though,
I'll tell you that."

383
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:02,102
And people always say the same
thing when bad things happen.

384
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:07,007
[high-pitched]
"Oh, my God!

385
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,009
"Why do people
do such things?

386
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,510
Oh, my God!"

387
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,512
This is my impression
of a concerned white woman.

388
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:15,048
[high-pitched]
"Oh, my God!

389
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,749
"Why do people
do such things?

390
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:17,850
Oh, my God, Karen!"

391
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:18,885
It's always a Karen.

392
00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:21,021
"Oh, my God, Karen!"

393
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:23,090
Yo, I learned something.

394
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,857
You want to go to
a white people's party,

395
00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:26,293
say you know Karen.

396
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,996
They will take care
of your ass the whole day.

397
00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:30,697
"You know Karen?

398
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:33,066
"Well, come on, sit down.

399
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:37,604
Have a pumpkin spice latte."

400
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,007
Now, I'm gonna tell you
why these bad things happen.

401
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:42,109
It's the parenting.
That's what the hell it is.

402
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,444
Now, parenting,
now I'm not gonna get cliché

403
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,379
like every other
Black comedian,

404
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,615
get on this stage and say
you should whup your kids.

405
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,450
'Cause honestly,
I got whipped,

406
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,819
and I'm halfway retarded,
okay?

407
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,154
But what you should--

408
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:56,056
And whupping your kids

409
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,625
is not really a good thing
to do right now.

410
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,027
Look at Adrian Peterson.

411
00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:01,661
Now what did he really do?

412
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:05,232
Okay, he hit his son
with a switch.

413
00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:06,466
That's it?

414
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,336
'Cause my mom hit me with...

415
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:11,038
anything she could find.

416
00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:14,707
One time she fucked me up
with a Ninja Turtles umbrella.

417
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:20,413
I couldn't even
watch the series anymore.

418
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,049
Every time
the theme music came on,

419
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:24,384
I just started having
a breakdown and shit.

420
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:25,718
It'd be...
* Teenage Mutant--

421
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:29,256
I'd be, "Ahhh!"

422
00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:31,224
And you know,
I was a little mischievous

423
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:32,559
when I was a little kid.

424
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,894
Okay, you know,
my pop got me too.

425
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,363
You know, he in here.

426
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,831
He got me.
He got me, man.

427
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,900
This one time he beat me
in front of the church

428
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:43,703
with drumsticks.

429
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:45,872
And he was the drummer.

430
00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,940
It wasn't even
a whipping for him.

431
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:49,509
It was practice.

432
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,378
As soon as he was done,
he just got back on the stand

433
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:54,081
and just kept doing the same
shit just like this here.

434
00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:55,515
[imitates drumming]

435
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,684
I said, "You learned
that here first.

436
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,552
"I'm gonna need
some royalties for that shit,

437
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,454
you know what I'm saying?"

438
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:03,290
It's all good.
I love my pop, man.

439
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:05,092
But you know,
you know how men do.

440
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:07,527
You know, a lot of men
don't get their stuff together

441
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,962
until they 50, you know?

442
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,864
You know.
You know what I'm saying?

443
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,100
They go back to school.

444
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,934
Now they want to get
their degree and shit,

445
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,303
and the wife's
sitting there like,

446
00:17:16,303 --> 00:17:17,437
"Now you wanna do it, nigga?

447
00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:18,938
"You wanna do that shit now?

448
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:21,007
"I done been telling
your ass for 20 years.

449
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:22,809
You wanna do that shit now?"

450
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:23,976
My pop is cool, man.

451
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:25,545
I just think that sometimes

452
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,448
he puts blame on other people
for his shortcomings.

453
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,650
Which is cool, you know?
We all do it.

454
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:33,620
Like, every time I go home

455
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,655
and he has a bad day
he's like,

456
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:36,789
"Ugh."

457
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,458
I was like,
"Dad, what's wrong?"

458
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:41,461
"These crackers
keep holding me down, son."

459
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:44,331
I said, "Daddy, the crackers
ain't holding you down.

460
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:47,400
"That associate's degree
is holding you down.

461
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,968
"Maybe you need to
go to school

462
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:50,737
a couple more years
and upgrade."

463
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,339
'Cause an associate's degree

464
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:54,006
is basically like
the college saying,

465
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:57,210
"Yeah, we associate with you.

466
00:17:57,210 --> 00:18:01,581
We just don't fuck with you,"
you know what I'm saying?

467
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,151
It's real stuff, man.

468
00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:06,153
But it's about the parenting.

469
00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:07,554
Okay?

470
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,055
You ain't gotta
whup your kids, you know?

471
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:11,491
Change your personality,
scare the hell out of them.

472
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:13,160
That's what it's about.

473
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,994
It's about scaring them,
putting that fear in 'em.

474
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,996
You ever ran away from
your damn mom or your dad

475
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,231
in the mall?

476
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,667
When they found you,
what the hell did they do?

477
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,735
My mom shook me
like a Polaroid picture.

478
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,271
That's what the hell she did.

479
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,473
She be like, "Don't you ever
run away from me again.

480
00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:29,075
I will kill you!
As long as you stay Black--"

481
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:30,443
I'm like,
"When am I gonna change?

482
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,312
What--
What am I--"

483
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:33,646
"As long as you stay Black,

484
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,348
don't you ever
run away from me again."

485
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:36,749
And then I'd cry so hard,

486
00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:38,351
I could only
get one letter out.

487
00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:40,953
I be, "Uh--Uh--Uh--

488
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:45,625
Eeeeh!"

489
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,427
You ever seen
a little kid get disciplined?

490
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:48,995
He be crying,
he be, "Eeeh!"

491
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:54,201
And it's sprinkler cry,
"Tsh-tsh-tsh--eeeeh!"

492
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:56,303
I'm saying,
you ain't gotta whip 'em.

493
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,637
You change your personality.

494
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,472
Go Bernie Mac on 'em
one damn time

495
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,940
and see how they feel.

496
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:02,575
Just let 'em
talk back to you.

497
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:04,076
"Shut up, Mom!"

498
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:07,880
[imitating Bernie Mac]
"What the fuck did you just say?

499
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,850
"And let me
tell you something.

500
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:14,421
You better sit there and shut
what they call the fuck up."

501
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:17,624
[cheers and applause]

502
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,226
"And I'm gonna
tell you something.

503
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:22,094
"You come over here again,
gonna be trouble, trouble.

504
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:24,697
"Bust a move!
Bust a motherfucking move!

505
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,699
Son of a bitch!"

506
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:29,436
[cheers and applause]

507
00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:38,144
Y'all know the man's eyes
was crossed, come on now.

508
00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:40,480
It's about
an authoritative tone, man.

509
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,915
I'm tired of going to the malls
and seeing situations

510
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,717
with a little kid
just running amok.

511
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:46,553
You ever seen 'em?
"Eeeh!"

512
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:48,755
And the mom's like,
"What the fuck?

513
00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:51,891
"Oh, my God,
why don't you just listen?

514
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:53,826
Why don't you do
what I tell you?"

515
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:56,128
And the little kid
get up all disrespectful.

516
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,565
"I don't know!

517
00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:10,577
How come you can't be
a good mom, Margaret?"

518
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,645
[laughter and applause]

519
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,984
Gonna call the mom out
by the first name.

520
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:20,587
I wish I would call
my moms out by her first name.

521
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:24,023
I would no longer have a mouth
on my face, do you hear me?

522
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:27,193
I'd be talking
from a hole in my neck

523
00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:29,429
like Terrie from
the smoking commercials.

524
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,431
You ever see her?

525
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:32,799
[laughs]

526
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:34,801
* You know I'm gonna
do it for you *

527
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,503
[cheers and applause]

528
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,604
She be...

529
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:39,606
[imitating Terrie Hall]
"Hi.

530
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:41,774
"My name Terrie.

531
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:43,376
"And I'm a smoker.

532
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,812
"And you put on your wig,
put in your teeth,

533
00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:47,680
"and go about your day.

534
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,349
I'm a smoker."

535
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:50,350
A what?

536
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:51,651
"A smoker."

537
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:52,985
A mimosa?

538
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:55,121
"A smoker!"

539
00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:56,789
I'm sorry.

540
00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:58,991
[laughter and applause]

541
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:02,895
But for everybody who has
seen that commercial,

542
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:06,198
that is not just cigarettes.

543
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:09,636
That's meth, nigga.
That's what that is.

544
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,338
Oh, oh!

545
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:13,740
Oh, I would love to see her
drinking from a water fountain.

546
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:15,207
I would love it.

547
00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:18,711
She just be drinking--
[laughs]

548
00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:20,246
She--

549
00:21:20,246 --> 00:21:22,214
[imitates water running]

550
00:21:22,214 --> 00:21:24,951
Got little kids running past
her with quarters and nickels.

551
00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:27,887
"Make a wish, man!
Make a wish."

552
00:21:30,156 --> 00:21:33,059
I'm sorry.

553
00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:35,362
It's about
an authoritative tone.

554
00:21:35,362 --> 00:21:37,464
That's how I know
that Jay-Z

555
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,666
is not gonna be able
to control Blue Ivy

556
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:41,468
when she gets older.

557
00:21:41,468 --> 00:21:42,902
His voice is too light.

558
00:21:42,902 --> 00:21:44,471
And first of all,
Jay-Z's voice, man,

559
00:21:44,471 --> 00:21:45,805
it's just so fun.

560
00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:47,574
If he was outside
of a haunted house,

561
00:21:47,574 --> 00:21:49,141
it would be hilarious.

562
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:51,077
He'd be trying
to warn people

563
00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:55,081
about what's going on
in the haunted house, he'd be...

564
00:21:55,081 --> 00:21:56,583
[imitating Jay-Z]
"Yo, don't go in there.

565
00:21:56,583 --> 00:21:59,452
There's a ghost in there."

566
00:21:59,452 --> 00:22:02,822
[laughter and applause]

567
00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:04,857
Jeah, eh, eh, eh."

568
00:22:04,857 --> 00:22:07,093
* Jeah,
gather 'round hustlers *

569
00:22:07,093 --> 00:22:08,661
* That's if you still living

570
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:11,864
* And get on down
to that oh, eh, eh, HOV *

571
00:22:11,864 --> 00:22:13,766
"Look.

572
00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:16,503
"Okay, you wanna
go in there?

573
00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:18,838
"You serious?

574
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,673
"Okay, you're dead.
Bye-bye.

575
00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:23,610
"Fuck you.
Ha ha ha ha, yep.

576
00:22:23,610 --> 00:22:25,412
"Yep!

577
00:22:25,412 --> 00:22:28,247
[applause]

578
00:22:28,247 --> 00:22:31,050
Solange is in there.
Be careful."

579
00:22:31,050 --> 00:22:33,753
[laughter and applause]

580
00:22:36,889 --> 00:22:38,425
Blue Ivy, man.

581
00:22:38,425 --> 00:22:40,960
That don't even sound
like a real name.

582
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,563
That sound like
stripper lotion, don't it?

583
00:22:43,563 --> 00:22:45,532
"Girl, I don't never
go down the pole

584
00:22:45,532 --> 00:22:48,300
"without my Blue Ivy, girl.

585
00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:50,069
"'Cause I ain't trying
to get leg burn.

586
00:22:50,069 --> 00:22:53,573
Boom, boom, hey!"

587
00:22:53,573 --> 00:22:55,775
And, Black women,
some of y'all do this.

588
00:22:55,775 --> 00:22:57,610
What the hell is this?

589
00:22:57,610 --> 00:23:00,547
It's like y'all trying
to pull a conversation

590
00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:02,449
out the sky.

591
00:23:02,449 --> 00:23:05,852
You know like,
"Hey, my name's Tammy.

592
00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:08,455
"I work at Walgreens,

593
00:23:08,455 --> 00:23:11,057
"and I make 7.25 an hour.
[clicks tongue]

594
00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:13,626
Ain't nobody got
time for that, hey."

595
00:23:13,626 --> 00:23:15,828
You seen this person before.

596
00:23:15,828 --> 00:23:18,297
You be at the McDonald's.
You be like, "Excuse me.

597
00:23:18,297 --> 00:23:20,066
Let me get a Big Mac,
McChicken sandwich."

598
00:23:20,066 --> 00:23:21,801
She come out with an attitude,
just dancing.

599
00:23:21,801 --> 00:23:23,470
"Pshh, pshh, pshh, pshh!

600
00:23:23,470 --> 00:23:28,140
"We ain't got no Big Macs,
no McChicken sandwiches.

601
00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:30,543
"So Big Mac your ass
out the front door.

602
00:23:30,543 --> 00:23:33,079
"Big Mac your ass
out the front door.

603
00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:36,182
Surfboard, surfboard,
graining on that wood."

604
00:23:36,182 --> 00:23:38,551
[cheers and applause]

605
00:23:40,687 --> 00:23:42,388
Look at some
of the white people like,

606
00:23:42,388 --> 00:23:46,325
"Yeah, I fired somebody
like that earlier this week.

607
00:23:46,325 --> 00:23:49,061
Won't have to worry
about LaQuifa anymore."

608
00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:51,831
White people and people
in the corporate world,

609
00:23:51,831 --> 00:23:53,600
I love to see how y'all react

610
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:57,670
to folks that come in the office
with dreadlocks.

611
00:23:57,670 --> 00:23:59,506
It's so funny.

612
00:23:59,506 --> 00:24:00,873
'Cause y'all get nervous.

613
00:24:00,873 --> 00:24:04,410
As soon as you see 'em,
you be...

614
00:24:04,410 --> 00:24:07,580
"Uh...

615
00:24:07,580 --> 00:24:09,582
Hello."

616
00:24:09,582 --> 00:24:12,819
That means, "What the hell
are you doing here?"

617
00:24:12,819 --> 00:24:15,588
"Uh...

618
00:24:15,588 --> 00:24:18,090
Can I help you?"

619
00:24:18,090 --> 00:24:20,527
That means,
"Please don't rob me."

620
00:24:20,527 --> 00:24:22,529
And the guy will be
the nicest dude ever.

621
00:24:22,529 --> 00:24:24,531
He's like, "Well, actually,
my name's Jamal.

622
00:24:24,531 --> 00:24:26,165
"I just graduated
from Harvard,

623
00:24:26,165 --> 00:24:27,967
"and I can't wait
to start the IT program,

624
00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:31,437
'cause I really feel I can be
a valuable asset to the team."

625
00:24:34,206 --> 00:24:37,109
"Okay, Jamal.

626
00:24:37,109 --> 00:24:39,111
"Well, I'm gonna go
call up Karen

627
00:24:39,111 --> 00:24:43,015
and see if she knows
anything about this."

628
00:24:43,015 --> 00:24:44,450
There's always a Karen.

629
00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:46,452
Oh, I'm sorry, I was in
the middle of a bit.

630
00:24:46,452 --> 00:24:47,219
Hold up.

631
00:24:47,219 --> 00:24:49,689
[makes rewinding sound]

632
00:24:54,060 --> 00:24:56,128
"Hey!"

633
00:24:56,128 --> 00:25:01,133
How you gonna control
a child named Blue Ivy?

634
00:25:01,133 --> 00:25:03,570
She's sitting there
pitching a fit,

635
00:25:03,570 --> 00:25:05,137
and Jay-Z looking
all helpless.

636
00:25:05,137 --> 00:25:09,942
He just...

637
00:25:09,942 --> 00:25:11,043
"Oh, oh.

638
00:25:11,043 --> 00:25:12,612
"Yo.

639
00:25:12,612 --> 00:25:14,981
"Hey, yo, Blue, you really
need to calm down, you know?

640
00:25:14,981 --> 00:25:17,584
"'Cause I'm really starting
to get irritated, you know?

641
00:25:17,584 --> 00:25:18,818
Jeah."

642
00:25:18,818 --> 00:25:20,219
* All I'm saying
is I'm your daddy *

643
00:25:20,219 --> 00:25:22,755
* You my little baby goi-rl

644
00:25:22,755 --> 00:25:24,156
"Jeah."

645
00:25:24,156 --> 00:25:26,058
* But you don't want me
to go and get that belt *

646
00:25:26,058 --> 00:25:28,294
* 'Cause if I do both of
your ass cheeks will melt *

647
00:25:28,294 --> 00:25:29,962
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

648
00:25:29,962 --> 00:25:32,331
Shoot, Blue Ivy gonna look
her dad dead in the face

649
00:25:32,331 --> 00:25:33,900
and be just like this here.

650
00:25:33,900 --> 00:25:35,401
[exhales]

651
00:25:35,401 --> 00:25:38,304
"Do you hear
what you named me?

652
00:25:38,304 --> 00:25:41,073
Fuck you, Shawn."

653
00:25:41,073 --> 00:25:44,811
[laughter and applause]

654
00:25:44,811 --> 00:25:46,779
"And since you wanna
name me weird stuff,

655
00:25:46,779 --> 00:25:48,781
"I'm gonna go sleep with
Chris Brown and R. Kelly.

656
00:25:48,781 --> 00:25:50,316
How you like that?"
[audience oohs]

657
00:25:50,316 --> 00:25:52,619
Oh, don't get sensitive.

658
00:25:52,619 --> 00:25:54,453
Y'all act like I said
Flavor Flav.

659
00:25:54,453 --> 00:25:55,922
Don't get sensitive.

660
00:25:55,922 --> 00:25:57,857
Don't give a damn
what R. Kelly did.

661
00:25:57,857 --> 00:25:59,626
He makes good music.

662
00:25:59,626 --> 00:26:01,728
[scattered cheers
and applause]

663
00:26:01,728 --> 00:26:02,829
[laughter]

664
00:26:02,829 --> 00:26:04,530
He makes steppin' songs,
baby.

665
00:26:04,530 --> 00:26:06,198
And steppin' songs
means something

666
00:26:06,198 --> 00:26:07,900
to everybody up in here.

667
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:10,502
Steppin' songs be the jump-off
to cookouts, don't they?

668
00:26:10,502 --> 00:26:11,537
Don't they?
Don't they?

669
00:26:11,537 --> 00:26:13,372
Ma'am, you be at a cookout.

670
00:26:13,372 --> 00:26:15,074
Let The Electric Slide
come on.

671
00:26:15,074 --> 00:26:17,409
You will drop your
potato salad right there.

672
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:19,078
That's what you'll do.

673
00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:21,180
Hey, folks, there's a song
that has been out for years.

674
00:26:21,180 --> 00:26:22,682
It's called the Cha-Cha Slide.

675
00:26:22,682 --> 00:26:25,017
Now you let that song
come on anywhere,

676
00:26:25,017 --> 00:26:27,854
let that song come on when
my family's at a funeral.

677
00:26:27,854 --> 00:26:30,356
Well, guess what,
if we carrying the casket,

678
00:26:30,356 --> 00:26:32,191
we dropping it
right damn there.

679
00:26:32,191 --> 00:26:34,360
That's what's gonna happen.

680
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:35,695
Let the music
play long enough,

681
00:26:35,695 --> 00:26:37,697
the corpse start dancing.

682
00:26:37,697 --> 00:26:40,466
Corpse come out of the casket,
"Whoo, Charlie Brown," he be--

683
00:26:40,466 --> 00:26:43,770
Everybody at the funeral,
"Aah!"

684
00:26:45,537 --> 00:26:48,675
I make that noise
when I get excited.

685
00:26:48,675 --> 00:26:53,212
Like, look, if I'm
getting a haircut,

686
00:26:53,212 --> 00:26:56,448
and it look really good,

687
00:26:56,448 --> 00:27:00,052
I look at myself in the mirror

688
00:27:00,052 --> 00:27:02,554
and I be like,

689
00:27:02,554 --> 00:27:04,691
"Oh, look at that boy.
That boy fresh.

690
00:27:04,691 --> 00:27:09,461
Look at that boy,
that boy!"

691
00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:11,698
Now if they cut me up
to back too far,

692
00:27:11,698 --> 00:27:13,966
and have a cul-de-sac
on top of my shit,

693
00:27:13,966 --> 00:27:16,035
have me looking like
Stephen A. Smith,

694
00:27:16,035 --> 00:27:19,138
well, I'll go
right into it, I be...

695
00:27:19,138 --> 00:27:21,808
[imitating Stephen A. Smith]
"Oh, this is blasphemous.

696
00:27:21,808 --> 00:27:23,242
"On the cusp
of what seems to be

697
00:27:23,242 --> 00:27:25,511
"one of the biggest
interviews of my life,

698
00:27:25,511 --> 00:27:28,715
"you have cut me up
to back too far.

699
00:27:28,715 --> 00:27:30,149
"You're worse
than Mario Chalmers

700
00:27:30,149 --> 00:27:33,052
"and Tiago Splitter
if they were ever barbers.

701
00:27:33,052 --> 00:27:35,554
"You should have
your barber's license revoked.

702
00:27:35,554 --> 00:27:38,157
You should never be able
to cut anybody's hair."

703
00:27:38,157 --> 00:27:41,728
[laughter and applause]

704
00:27:43,229 --> 00:27:44,831
Have fun with your life, man.

705
00:27:44,831 --> 00:27:46,532
I have fun doing this
for y'all.

706
00:27:46,532 --> 00:27:48,067
You gotta have fun.

707
00:27:48,067 --> 00:27:50,336
You don't know how long
you're gonna be here.

708
00:27:50,336 --> 00:27:52,171
You gotta keep yourself
in shape.

709
00:27:52,171 --> 00:27:53,740
You lift weights?

710
00:27:53,740 --> 00:27:55,341
(man)
All the time.

711
00:27:55,341 --> 00:27:59,411
[laughter]

712
00:27:59,411 --> 00:28:03,315
He's like, "Yeah, I lift.
Yeah."

713
00:28:03,315 --> 00:28:05,251
Look, man, you gotta
keep yourself in shape,

714
00:28:05,251 --> 00:28:06,953
'cause you don't wanna
get "stitties."

715
00:28:06,953 --> 00:28:10,422
[audience murmurs]
- Stitties.

716
00:28:10,422 --> 00:28:12,358
Stomach titties.

717
00:28:12,358 --> 00:28:14,426
You ever seen that?
Be a big-ass piece of meat

718
00:28:14,426 --> 00:28:16,162
just falling down here.

719
00:28:16,162 --> 00:28:17,163
Big-ass piece of meat

720
00:28:17,163 --> 00:28:18,965
just falling all the way
down here,

721
00:28:18,965 --> 00:28:20,666
look like you can play
hacky-sack with it.

722
00:28:20,666 --> 00:28:22,434
You just go
just like this here.

723
00:28:22,434 --> 00:28:24,603
Hey, folks, I can talk about
it, 'cause I used to be fat.

724
00:28:24,603 --> 00:28:26,605
I used to be big as hell,
okay?

725
00:28:26,605 --> 00:28:29,375
I was 5'8",
I was 250 pounds,

726
00:28:29,375 --> 00:28:30,676
and I was 17.

727
00:28:30,676 --> 00:28:31,811
That's a fat fuck.

728
00:28:31,811 --> 00:28:33,045
That's what it is.

729
00:28:33,045 --> 00:28:35,181
I lost 75 pounds
in, like, four months.

730
00:28:35,181 --> 00:28:37,784
I'm not kidding about this,
you know what I'm saying?

731
00:28:37,784 --> 00:28:39,551
It's real.
You can do it.

732
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,487
[cheers and applause]

733
00:28:41,487 --> 00:28:43,055
But, you know, it was bad.

734
00:28:43,055 --> 00:28:44,623
You know, I was one of those
little fat kids

735
00:28:44,623 --> 00:28:47,293
that didn't want nobody
to see my breasts.

736
00:28:47,293 --> 00:28:50,797
So I swam around in the pool
with a shirt on.

737
00:28:50,797 --> 00:28:52,799
But then you pop out the pool,

738
00:28:52,799 --> 00:28:54,967
and everybody can see
your breasts anyway.

739
00:28:54,967 --> 00:28:57,303
It's like, "Well, nigga,
it's a wet T-shirt contest.

740
00:28:57,303 --> 00:28:59,972
"We can--we can see your
titties, and you won, nigga.

741
00:28:59,972 --> 00:29:02,308
You won.
You really did."

742
00:29:02,308 --> 00:29:05,311
All I'm saying is you gotta
have fun with your life.

743
00:29:05,311 --> 00:29:06,879
Just have fun.

744
00:29:06,879 --> 00:29:09,381
People, Kanye West looks like
he has a lot of fun

745
00:29:09,381 --> 00:29:11,617
with his life.

746
00:29:11,617 --> 00:29:14,053
But what is wrong
with that guy?

747
00:29:14,053 --> 00:29:15,822
What is wrong
with Kanye West?

748
00:29:15,822 --> 00:29:18,390
I think it's because he's got
the short man complex.

749
00:29:18,390 --> 00:29:19,992
You know what
I'm talking about?

750
00:29:19,992 --> 00:29:22,829
Anybody under 5'5"
is mad at the world

751
00:29:22,829 --> 00:29:24,831
for no fucking reason.

752
00:29:24,831 --> 00:29:26,933
And I understand
Kanye West is 5'8",

753
00:29:26,933 --> 00:29:28,835
but he got the swagger
of a Keebler Elf.

754
00:29:28,835 --> 00:29:30,402
That's all I'm trying
to say to you.

755
00:29:30,402 --> 00:29:32,071
Kanye West is a Keebler Elf.

756
00:29:32,071 --> 00:29:33,739
That's funny as hell,
I'm sorry.

757
00:29:33,739 --> 00:29:37,176
He be--
[laughs]

758
00:29:37,176 --> 00:29:38,945
[imitating Kanye West]
"Hold on, fam.

759
00:29:38,945 --> 00:29:40,612
"Who else you know--

760
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:42,314
"Who else you know
can take swirls

761
00:29:42,314 --> 00:29:44,450
"and connect them
with the chocolate chips

762
00:29:44,450 --> 00:29:45,985
"just like I did, fam?

763
00:29:45,985 --> 00:29:48,487
"Can't nobody do that
like I did, fam.

764
00:29:48,487 --> 00:29:50,089
"Yo, fuck all these elves, fam!

765
00:29:50,089 --> 00:29:51,858
"It's me, heh-heh!

766
00:29:51,858 --> 00:29:53,425
I am a God."

767
00:29:53,425 --> 00:29:54,994
What the fuck?

768
00:29:54,994 --> 00:29:57,029
Even Katt Williams
would look at him like...

769
00:29:57,029 --> 00:29:58,364
[imitating Katt Williams]
"Nigga, you need to calm

770
00:29:58,364 --> 00:30:00,699
"your ass down, boo-boo.

771
00:30:00,699 --> 00:30:02,368
"Because you
are really starting

772
00:30:02,368 --> 00:30:04,770
"to make us elf people
look very crazy.

773
00:30:04,770 --> 00:30:06,205
"And what you need to do

774
00:30:06,205 --> 00:30:08,440
"is sit your ass
in the corner,

775
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:10,042
"enjoy your goddamn cookies,

776
00:30:10,042 --> 00:30:12,644
"and have a good life
in this raggedy son of a bitch.

777
00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:15,781
"'Cause I got all the edibles
a pimp could want to eat.

778
00:30:15,781 --> 00:30:18,450
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Pimpin', pimpin'."

779
00:30:18,450 --> 00:30:19,618
[cheers and applause]

780
00:30:19,618 --> 00:30:21,854
[chuckles]

781
00:30:21,854 --> 00:30:23,522
All right.

782
00:30:23,522 --> 00:30:26,792
I know there's
a few people confused.

783
00:30:26,792 --> 00:30:28,060
Some people are confused like,

784
00:30:28,060 --> 00:30:29,996
"What the hell
is a Katt Williams?

785
00:30:29,996 --> 00:30:33,465
What is that, a negro feline
or something like that?"

786
00:30:33,465 --> 00:30:35,634
Have fun.
Kanye West, man.

787
00:30:35,634 --> 00:30:37,236
That short man complex, man,

788
00:30:37,236 --> 00:30:39,005
that shit transcends species.

789
00:30:39,005 --> 00:30:40,472
That's why you'll see
a Chihuahua

790
00:30:40,472 --> 00:30:43,142
trying to fight Rottweiler
for no reason.

791
00:30:43,142 --> 00:30:45,811
I know when I talk about dogs
some people get tight.

792
00:30:45,811 --> 00:30:49,681
"Don't talk about the baby."

793
00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:51,350
Baby?

794
00:30:51,350 --> 00:30:53,485
Ma'am, your poodle did not
come out of your vagina.

795
00:30:53,485 --> 00:30:55,254
I don't know
what you talking about.

796
00:30:55,254 --> 00:30:57,089
It's not a baby.
It's a dog.

797
00:30:57,089 --> 00:30:58,590
You know what I'm saying?
[imitates dog whimpering]

798
00:30:58,590 --> 00:31:00,659
And y'all be abusing
the hell out y'all dogs,

799
00:31:00,659 --> 00:31:01,961
and I'm gonna tell you how.

800
00:31:01,961 --> 00:31:03,729
Putting them little
outfits on them.

801
00:31:03,729 --> 00:31:05,064
They don't wanna
wear that shit.

802
00:31:05,064 --> 00:31:06,832
"But he's cold.

803
00:31:06,832 --> 00:31:08,800
He's cold."

804
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,469
He's got fur.

805
00:31:10,469 --> 00:31:12,171
Fur, dumbass.

806
00:31:12,171 --> 00:31:13,305
Fur!

807
00:31:13,305 --> 00:31:14,941
You ain't never
turned to Animal Planet

808
00:31:14,941 --> 00:31:19,845
and seen a polar bear with
a down jacket on, have you?

809
00:31:19,845 --> 00:31:21,613
"Don't talk about the baby."

810
00:31:21,613 --> 00:31:23,182
And it messes you up too,

811
00:31:23,182 --> 00:31:25,184
'cause some people
put their dogs in strollers.

812
00:31:25,184 --> 00:31:27,586
So you be expecting to see
a little one-year-old,

813
00:31:27,586 --> 00:31:29,088
but you go up to the stroller

814
00:31:29,088 --> 00:31:30,522
and you see
this shit right here.

815
00:31:30,522 --> 00:31:33,425
[barks]

816
00:31:33,425 --> 00:31:34,593
"What up, nigga?"

817
00:31:34,593 --> 00:31:35,962
What?

818
00:31:35,962 --> 00:31:37,263
The hell you doing in here?

819
00:31:37,263 --> 00:31:41,333
You got four legs.
Walk, motherfucker!

820
00:31:41,333 --> 00:31:44,036
"Don't talk about the baby.
Not the baby."

821
00:31:44,036 --> 00:31:45,837
That reminds me of
The Wolf of Wall Street.

822
00:31:45,837 --> 00:31:47,106
Y'all seen that movie?

823
00:31:47,106 --> 00:31:49,708
Now, uh, first off,
Margot Robbie,

824
00:31:49,708 --> 00:31:51,177
the main chick in that movie,

825
00:31:51,177 --> 00:31:54,981
uh, she can get the dick.

826
00:31:54,981 --> 00:31:56,515
That's my woman crush
Wednesday

827
00:31:56,515 --> 00:31:58,517
every damn Wednesday,
I'm telling--

828
00:31:58,517 --> 00:32:03,990
She, "Mommy doesn't feel
like wearing any more panties."

829
00:32:03,990 --> 00:32:07,759
And I said, "I agree with you.
Yeah, you shouldn't."

830
00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:09,595
But the part that
that reminded me of in the movie

831
00:32:09,595 --> 00:32:11,530
was the part
where Mr. Jordan,

832
00:32:11,530 --> 00:32:13,565
Leonardo DiCaprio,
is in the car

833
00:32:13,565 --> 00:32:15,534
with his daughter,
and he tries to run.

834
00:32:15,534 --> 00:32:17,236
You know what I mean?
He tries to get out of there.

835
00:32:17,236 --> 00:32:18,570
But he hits the tree.

836
00:32:18,570 --> 00:32:20,306
And that's not
a funny situation,

837
00:32:20,306 --> 00:32:22,041
'cause putting
a little kid in that situation,

838
00:32:22,041 --> 00:32:23,475
that's not safe.

839
00:32:23,475 --> 00:32:25,277
But what was funny
was the caretaker that they had.

840
00:32:25,277 --> 00:32:26,878
You know what I mean?

841
00:32:26,878 --> 00:32:29,048
That Black lady that
they had working, the nanny,

842
00:32:29,048 --> 00:32:30,449
when she came out,
she was like,

843
00:32:30,449 --> 00:32:33,052
"Oh, Lord!
Get the baby!

844
00:32:33,052 --> 00:32:34,486
"Oh, Lord!

845
00:32:34,486 --> 00:32:37,056
"Mr. Belfort
done lost his mind.

846
00:32:37,056 --> 00:32:39,425
He done lost his mind."

847
00:32:39,425 --> 00:32:42,061
I said, "Does anybody else
smell pancakes right now?"

848
00:32:42,061 --> 00:32:44,630
'Cause I do.

849
00:32:44,630 --> 00:32:47,433
Anytime you hear
somebody say, "Oh, Lord!"

850
00:32:47,433 --> 00:32:49,401
They are old as hell.
I'm serious.

851
00:32:49,401 --> 00:32:53,739
I was watching
a porno the other day.

852
00:32:53,739 --> 00:32:55,641
And I didn't know
how old the lady was

853
00:32:55,641 --> 00:32:57,743
until the dude
hit the spot real good.

854
00:32:57,743 --> 00:32:58,910
He said, "Pow!"

855
00:32:58,910 --> 00:33:00,746
She said,
"Whoo! Oh, Lord!"

856
00:33:00,746 --> 00:33:04,483
I said, "I ain't watching
this no more.

857
00:33:04,483 --> 00:33:07,386
"Smell like cookies and love
in here.

858
00:33:07,386 --> 00:33:10,889
This remind me of Nana."

859
00:33:10,889 --> 00:33:14,060
Oh, pfft!

860
00:33:14,060 --> 00:33:18,164
[whines, yips]

861
00:33:18,164 --> 00:33:19,498
[whining]

862
00:33:19,498 --> 00:33:21,100
Sound like my ex-girlfriend.

863
00:33:21,100 --> 00:33:26,172
[imitates animal yapping]

864
00:33:26,172 --> 00:33:27,839
* What my girl say

865
00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:32,678
Now, I don't know
if y'all have seen that sketch.

866
00:33:32,678 --> 00:33:33,712
(audience)
Yes.

867
00:33:33,712 --> 00:33:35,381
But look,
if you laughed at it,

868
00:33:35,381 --> 00:33:36,882
you was laughing at my life,

869
00:33:36,882 --> 00:33:38,850
'cause it was based
off of some painful shit.

870
00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:41,353
I'm gonna be honest with you,
it was about me and my ex.

871
00:33:41,353 --> 00:33:43,255
We're not together no more,
know what I mean?

872
00:33:43,255 --> 00:33:44,723
But let me tell you something,

873
00:33:44,723 --> 00:33:47,626
my parents have been together
for 33 years.

874
00:33:47,626 --> 00:33:49,861
- And you don't have a 33--
[cheers and applause]

875
00:33:53,565 --> 00:33:56,735
And you do not have
33 years of a relationship

876
00:33:56,735 --> 00:33:59,105
without going through
little bumps and bruises.

877
00:33:59,105 --> 00:34:01,207
And if they can't get through
the bumps and bruises,

878
00:34:01,207 --> 00:34:02,674
forget about 'em.

879
00:34:02,674 --> 00:34:04,310
Find you somebody
that's your ride-or-die,

880
00:34:04,310 --> 00:34:05,877
you know what
I'm talking about?

881
00:34:05,877 --> 00:34:07,313
Find you somebody else.

882
00:34:07,313 --> 00:34:09,515
That's got to be
the yin to your yang.

883
00:34:09,515 --> 00:34:11,783
The peanut butter
to your jelly.

884
00:34:11,783 --> 00:34:15,354
The Gayle King
to your Oprah.

885
00:34:15,354 --> 00:34:17,156
If they ain't got your back,

886
00:34:17,156 --> 00:34:18,957
you go on ChristianMingle.com

887
00:34:18,957 --> 00:34:21,560
and you find you somebody else,
'cause it--

888
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:24,796
She--she done been up there.
Look.

889
00:34:24,796 --> 00:34:27,399
[laughter and applause]

890
00:34:27,399 --> 00:34:30,001
I'm saying--I'm gonna show you
how she ain't have my back.

891
00:34:30,001 --> 00:34:31,137
I'm gonna tell you, okay?

892
00:34:31,137 --> 00:34:32,538
We're in the Bahamas, people.

893
00:34:32,538 --> 00:34:33,905
Physically how she didn't
have my back.

894
00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:35,341
We're in the Bahamas.

895
00:34:35,341 --> 00:34:39,311
Now, I'm doing something
I shouldn't be doing, swimming.

896
00:34:39,311 --> 00:34:40,546
I said I shouldn't be doing it.

897
00:34:40,546 --> 00:34:41,980
I didn't say I couldn't do it.

898
00:34:41,980 --> 00:34:43,482
I said I shouldn't
have been doing it.

899
00:34:43,482 --> 00:34:44,983
I was in the water, swimming.

900
00:34:44,983 --> 00:34:47,153
I swam all the way out
to where the buoys were.

901
00:34:47,153 --> 00:34:51,423
I was just swimming like,
"A-ha-ha, a-ha-ha, a-ha-ha."

902
00:34:51,423 --> 00:34:52,824
I looked in the water,

903
00:34:52,824 --> 00:34:55,161
and I seen this big brown
thick thing

904
00:34:55,161 --> 00:34:58,664
with fins and teeth
coming towards my pinky toe.

905
00:34:58,664 --> 00:35:01,233
Oh, it was a shark.
I kid you not.

906
00:35:01,233 --> 00:35:03,169
And I was trying
to get her attention,

907
00:35:03,169 --> 00:35:04,570
because when you're
in a relationship

908
00:35:04,570 --> 00:35:05,904
and you're in danger,

909
00:35:05,904 --> 00:35:07,839
you're supposed
to have safety signals

910
00:35:07,839 --> 00:35:10,509
amongst one another
that you can read, right?

911
00:35:10,509 --> 00:35:13,179
So I went just like this,
"Unh, unh, unh."

912
00:35:13,179 --> 00:35:15,247
That means,
"Bitch, get the lifeguard."

913
00:35:15,247 --> 00:35:16,648
That's what that means.

914
00:35:16,648 --> 00:35:18,083
But she ain't understand it,
right?

915
00:35:18,083 --> 00:35:19,585
So she's on the shore

916
00:35:19,585 --> 00:35:21,187
thinking I'm swimming fast
for her benefit.

917
00:35:21,187 --> 00:35:23,955
So she's like, "Whoo, yes!
Baby, go faster!

918
00:35:23,955 --> 00:35:25,191
Whoo!"

919
00:35:25,191 --> 00:35:26,958
That's how she sounds,
I swear to God.

920
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:28,294
"Whoo!"

921
00:35:28,294 --> 00:35:29,861
I got back to the shore,
I was like,

922
00:35:29,861 --> 00:35:31,797
"Excuse me,
did you not realize

923
00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:34,200
"I almost got killed
by a shark?

924
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:35,767
Did that not occur to you?"

925
00:35:35,767 --> 00:35:37,436
She said, "I didn't--
I didn't realize that."

926
00:35:37,436 --> 00:35:39,271
I swear that's how she talks.
"I didn't realize that."

927
00:35:39,271 --> 00:35:40,939
I was like,
"That's 'cause you mixed.

928
00:35:40,939 --> 00:35:42,608
"Okay, you're Black and white.

929
00:35:42,608 --> 00:35:44,276
"You don't have
survival skills, you don't.

930
00:35:44,276 --> 00:35:45,677
Mm-mm."
She don't.

931
00:35:45,677 --> 00:35:47,112
'Cause I'm gonna
tell you something.

932
00:35:47,112 --> 00:35:49,114
Had it been like
a Black chick from the hood,

933
00:35:49,114 --> 00:35:50,782
Brooklyn, something--hey!

934
00:35:50,782 --> 00:35:52,384
She would've been
in the water with a pistol,

935
00:35:52,384 --> 00:35:54,653
just swimming around,
you know what I'm talking about?

936
00:35:54,653 --> 00:35:56,688
Now she would have
been doggy-paddling.

937
00:35:56,688 --> 00:35:58,857
[laughter and applause]

938
00:35:58,857 --> 00:36:00,726
But she would have
been swimming around.

939
00:36:00,726 --> 00:36:02,528
She would have been in the drink
just like this,

940
00:36:02,528 --> 00:36:04,763
"I will fuck a shark up.

941
00:36:04,763 --> 00:36:06,732
"Don't you touch my baby.

942
00:36:06,732 --> 00:36:10,236
"Somebody gotta pay
for the hotel room.

943
00:36:10,236 --> 00:36:12,304
I ain't doing the shit."

944
00:36:12,304 --> 00:36:14,540
And she would've had her head up
like this the whole time,

945
00:36:14,540 --> 00:36:16,475
so her hair
didn't get wet.

946
00:36:16,475 --> 00:36:18,444
She's my baby.

947
00:36:18,444 --> 00:36:20,546
[cheers and applause]

948
00:36:20,546 --> 00:36:24,716
Back to Kanye West though.

949
00:36:24,716 --> 00:36:26,818
Called me up,
he was like,

950
00:36:26,818 --> 00:36:28,387
"And, you know,
I didn't call you up

951
00:36:28,387 --> 00:36:31,890
"to, you know, knock your craft
or, you know, anything,

952
00:36:31,890 --> 00:36:34,826
"because it would be weird
for me to call up

953
00:36:34,826 --> 00:36:37,263
Richard Pryor or Jamie Foxx
or one of the greats."

954
00:36:37,263 --> 00:36:39,064
I'm like,
"Richard Pryor's dead.

955
00:36:39,064 --> 00:36:41,900
He's dead.
You can't--you can't call him."

956
00:36:41,900 --> 00:36:43,769
This is what I'm thinking
in my head the whole time.

957
00:36:43,769 --> 00:36:47,339
Okay, I'm listening to this man
talk about himself

958
00:36:47,339 --> 00:36:49,275
for 11 minutes straight.

959
00:36:49,275 --> 00:36:51,677
At the end
of the conversation, y'all,

960
00:36:51,677 --> 00:36:53,779
I kid you not, he says,

961
00:36:53,779 --> 00:36:55,581
"And I impregnated America."

962
00:36:55,581 --> 00:36:58,183
I said, "Worth it."

963
00:36:58,183 --> 00:37:02,120
This whole conversation
was worth it

964
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:06,091
to hear Kanye West
say he took his penis

965
00:37:06,091 --> 00:37:09,428
and fornicated with
the United States of America.

966
00:37:09,428 --> 00:37:10,929
My life is fucking awesome.

967
00:37:10,929 --> 00:37:12,664
I said, "Thank you, Kanye."

968
00:37:12,664 --> 00:37:14,766
It's amazing.

969
00:37:14,766 --> 00:37:18,169
He's--I'm telling you though,
he's a cool dude, man.

970
00:37:18,169 --> 00:37:20,672
There's nothing bad between--
He's a very cool guy,

971
00:37:20,672 --> 00:37:22,107
very nice dude, you know?

972
00:37:22,107 --> 00:37:23,675
There's no beef whatsoever.

973
00:37:23,675 --> 00:37:25,844
And when I met him,
I was star-struck,

974
00:37:25,844 --> 00:37:27,679
and that does not
happen a lot.

975
00:37:27,679 --> 00:37:30,215
'Cause One Direction
came to SNL.

976
00:37:30,215 --> 00:37:32,518
[scattered cheers]

977
00:37:32,518 --> 00:37:34,119
Nobody cared.

978
00:37:34,119 --> 00:37:36,087
It was so funny.
We did a shoot with them.

979
00:37:36,087 --> 00:37:39,124
It was 200 extra girls,
and it was One Direction.

980
00:37:39,124 --> 00:37:41,126
As soon as the girls
saw One Direction,

981
00:37:41,126 --> 00:37:43,329
they just lost it,
they lost it.

982
00:37:43,329 --> 00:37:45,631
They were like, "Aaahh!"

983
00:37:45,631 --> 00:37:47,198
I was like,
"Y'all are 11.

984
00:37:47,198 --> 00:37:48,900
"You shouldn't be touching
yourselves like that.

985
00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:50,902
I'm feeling very uncomfortable
right now."

986
00:37:50,902 --> 00:37:52,438
They got escorted out.

987
00:37:52,438 --> 00:37:53,872
One Direction leaves.

988
00:37:53,872 --> 00:37:55,874
I went to where
the 200 girls were standing.

989
00:37:55,874 --> 00:37:57,743
I kid you not, y'all.

990
00:37:57,743 --> 00:38:01,713
It smelled just like farts.

991
00:38:01,713 --> 00:38:03,615
Do you know what that means?

992
00:38:03,615 --> 00:38:07,953
That means they were so excited
to meet One Direction,

993
00:38:07,953 --> 00:38:10,389
they almost shit themselves.

994
00:38:10,389 --> 00:38:13,659
Now, that's a different type
of fame for your ass.

995
00:38:13,659 --> 00:38:17,629
I know about famous,
but not shit famous, right?

996
00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:19,965
I ain't never had somebody
come up to me and be like,

997
00:38:19,965 --> 00:38:23,669
"Hey, Jay Pharoah!

998
00:38:23,669 --> 00:38:25,737
"Agh!

999
00:38:25,737 --> 00:38:27,406
"You the best, nigga.

1000
00:38:27,406 --> 00:38:31,743
You...are so amazing."

1001
00:38:31,743 --> 00:38:33,479
And I get sad, you know?

1002
00:38:33,479 --> 00:38:34,813
'Cause I see entertainers

1003
00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:36,748
who I think deserve
that type of notoriety,

1004
00:38:36,748 --> 00:38:37,916
and they don't get it.

1005
00:38:37,916 --> 00:38:39,385
Like Trey Songz.

1006
00:38:39,385 --> 00:38:41,387
I think Trey Songz should be
a lot bigger than he is.

1007
00:38:41,387 --> 00:38:42,654
You know what I mean?

1008
00:38:42,654 --> 00:38:44,390
He's one of the only
entertainers I know

1009
00:38:44,390 --> 00:38:46,725
that can sit there,
eye-molest your girlfriend,

1010
00:38:46,725 --> 00:38:48,193
while you watch helplessly,

1011
00:38:48,193 --> 00:38:50,396
and there's nothing
you can do but be like,

1012
00:38:50,396 --> 00:38:53,164
"Yo, that's Trey Songz.
He's eye-molesting my woman.

1013
00:38:53,164 --> 00:38:54,833
"I'm probably
gonna sleep with her,

1014
00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:56,402
and that's fucking awesome."

1015
00:38:56,402 --> 00:38:58,870
Matter of fact,
give me a female volunteer

1016
00:38:58,870 --> 00:39:00,171
out of the audience
right now.

1017
00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:01,607
I'm gonna show you
what he does.

1018
00:39:01,607 --> 00:39:02,908
You?
You wanna come up here?

1019
00:39:02,908 --> 00:39:04,075
Come on, Karen, get up here.

1020
00:39:04,075 --> 00:39:06,612
Come on.
This way.

1021
00:39:06,612 --> 00:39:08,514
[chuckles]

1022
00:39:08,514 --> 00:39:09,915
Here, sit down.

1023
00:39:09,915 --> 00:39:11,850
You look happy as shit.

1024
00:39:11,850 --> 00:39:13,419
[laughter]

1025
00:39:13,419 --> 00:39:14,853
"Hi, everybody!"

1026
00:39:14,853 --> 00:39:16,455
[chuckles]

1027
00:39:16,455 --> 00:39:19,625
Okay, if you don't know
who Trey Songz is,

1028
00:39:19,625 --> 00:39:22,093
this is what he does,
he be...

1029
00:39:27,098 --> 00:39:30,602
* Whoa, whoa, ah

1030
00:39:30,602 --> 00:39:32,270
* Yeah

1031
00:39:32,270 --> 00:39:35,974
* Look what the girl
done did to me *

1032
00:39:43,615 --> 00:39:45,116
Ooh!

1033
00:39:45,116 --> 00:39:47,118
You're a little
too into this shit.

1034
00:39:47,118 --> 00:39:48,554
[cheers and applause]

1035
00:39:48,554 --> 00:39:50,556
All right, it ain't that type
of party, ma'am.

1036
00:39:50,556 --> 00:39:52,357
Thank you so much.

1037
00:39:52,357 --> 00:39:53,892
Peace.

1038
00:39:53,892 --> 00:39:55,527
She was like--
she was like,

1039
00:39:55,527 --> 00:39:57,896
"What's next, motherfucker?
What's--"

1040
00:39:57,896 --> 00:40:00,031
[laughter and applause]

1041
00:40:02,734 --> 00:40:05,170
I'm--
[laughs]

1042
00:40:05,170 --> 00:40:07,806
But, look,
it's a few entertainers

1043
00:40:07,806 --> 00:40:09,475
who got that power, okay?

1044
00:40:09,475 --> 00:40:11,677
It's like--there's another
dude that can do that,

1045
00:40:11,677 --> 00:40:13,144
Chris Brown.

1046
00:40:13,144 --> 00:40:15,881
Yep, y'all gotta give it up
for Chris Brown.

1047
00:40:15,881 --> 00:40:19,818
[scattered cheers and applause]

1048
00:40:19,818 --> 00:40:22,020
Come on, dog,
why y'all ain't clapping, man?

1049
00:40:22,020 --> 00:40:23,555
Come on,
why y'all ain't clapping?

1050
00:40:23,555 --> 00:40:25,691
It's not like he hit y'all.
What the hell?

1051
00:40:25,691 --> 00:40:27,358
He's an all-around entertainer.

1052
00:40:27,358 --> 00:40:29,661
He can sing,
he can dance,

1053
00:40:29,661 --> 00:40:30,996
pop-lock,

1054
00:40:30,996 --> 00:40:33,364
box just a little bit.

1055
00:40:33,364 --> 00:40:36,267
Um, okay, I know he was in
a situation with Rihanna.

1056
00:40:36,267 --> 00:40:38,069
Okay.
And that's in the past.

1057
00:40:38,069 --> 00:40:40,005
And, folks,
you know people's love.

1058
00:40:40,005 --> 00:40:41,840
You can't help who you love.

1059
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:43,074
You just can't.

1060
00:40:43,074 --> 00:40:44,510
You can't help
who you love.

1061
00:40:44,510 --> 00:40:46,277
Some women love
their man so much,

1062
00:40:46,277 --> 00:40:48,346
even whatever situation
they are in,

1063
00:40:48,346 --> 00:40:50,415
they make up excuses for them.

1064
00:40:50,415 --> 00:40:51,950
"Girl, this is a circle
of trust."

1065
00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:53,351
"No, bitch,
that's a black eye.

1066
00:40:53,351 --> 00:40:56,054
"Go get that checked out.

1067
00:40:56,054 --> 00:40:58,189
That's terrible."

1068
00:40:58,189 --> 00:40:59,558
And fellas,
I ain't condoning--

1069
00:40:59,558 --> 00:41:01,426
You should not put your hands
on a woman.

1070
00:41:01,426 --> 00:41:02,994
You should not do that, okay?

1071
00:41:02,994 --> 00:41:05,130
If you do that, you should be
ashamed of yourself,

1072
00:41:05,130 --> 00:41:06,197
'cause that's sick.

1073
00:41:06,197 --> 00:41:08,667
[applause]

1074
00:41:08,667 --> 00:41:12,938
Violence isn't funny...
all the time.

1075
00:41:12,938 --> 00:41:14,540
Sometimes it's hilarious.

1076
00:41:14,540 --> 00:41:19,778
Like every time we hear
that Drake gets in a fight.

1077
00:41:19,778 --> 00:41:21,947
You're like,
"Dude, you're not a fighter.

1078
00:41:21,947 --> 00:41:24,716
You're a stalker,
that's what the hell you are."

1079
00:41:24,716 --> 00:41:26,284
Listen to his lyrics.

1080
00:41:26,284 --> 00:41:28,820
Listen to his lyrics and
tell me the man not a stalker.

1081
00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:29,955
He be...

1082
00:41:29,955 --> 00:41:32,123
* I can't get over you

1083
00:41:32,123 --> 00:41:33,892
* You left your mark on me

1084
00:41:33,892 --> 00:41:36,628
I'm like, "What, you got 'em
in the basement or something?"

1085
00:41:36,628 --> 00:41:38,964
He's just driving around
in a random white van

1086
00:41:38,964 --> 00:41:40,966
just picking up
innocent women just,

1087
00:41:40,966 --> 00:41:42,801
"Oh, yeah, she looks good."

1088
00:41:42,801 --> 00:41:45,571
[vocalizing]

1089
00:41:45,571 --> 00:41:46,638
"Yeah.

1090
00:41:46,638 --> 00:41:47,639
"Motherfucker!

1091
00:41:47,639 --> 00:41:49,207
"Yeah.

1092
00:41:49,207 --> 00:41:50,842
"Get in the car,
get in the car, bitch!

1093
00:41:50,842 --> 00:41:51,977
Get in the car!"

1094
00:41:51,977 --> 00:41:54,145
* Just hold on,
we going home *

1095
00:41:54,145 --> 00:41:57,148
[laughter and applause]

1096
00:41:57,148 --> 00:41:58,650
I like Drake though.

1097
00:41:58,650 --> 00:42:00,819
He's just so soft though, man.

1098
00:42:00,819 --> 00:42:02,988
That's my dude, man,
but it's just,

1099
00:42:02,988 --> 00:42:06,224
"Oh.
Motherfucker.

1100
00:42:06,224 --> 00:42:08,894
"Worse, worse.

1101
00:42:08,894 --> 00:42:10,896
"Oh.
Yeah.

1102
00:42:16,802 --> 00:42:18,604
"What I just said
was so deep.

1103
00:42:18,604 --> 00:42:21,006
It was just,
'Oh. Oh.'"

1104
00:42:21,006 --> 00:42:22,841
Sounds like someone hit him
in the neck with a dart.

1105
00:42:22,841 --> 00:42:24,342
"Oh.

1106
00:42:24,342 --> 00:42:26,612
"Oh, yeah,
they hit me, bitch.

1107
00:42:26,612 --> 00:42:29,480
Ambulance, come here,
come here, come here."

1108
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:32,784
And Lil Wayne be looking
at him from the back, he be...

1109
00:42:36,487 --> 00:42:37,923
[imitating Lil Wayne]
"Yeah.

1110
00:42:37,923 --> 00:42:42,761
What you doing on the ground,
lil nigga?"

1111
00:42:42,761 --> 00:42:44,295
* What you on
the ground for *

1112
00:42:44,295 --> 00:42:45,864
* Weezy F baby

1113
00:42:45,864 --> 00:42:47,265
* Please say the baby

1114
00:42:47,265 --> 00:42:48,433
* Ridin' with your bitch

1115
00:42:48,433 --> 00:42:49,668
* Got keys on the lady

1116
00:42:49,668 --> 00:42:51,336
* Bitches and strippers

1117
00:42:51,336 --> 00:42:53,138
* And strippers and strippers
and bitches *

1118
00:42:53,138 --> 00:42:54,472
* Bitches and strippers
and money *

1119
00:42:54,472 --> 00:42:55,941
* That's all I talk about

1120
00:42:55,941 --> 00:42:58,143
"Yeah!"

1121
00:42:58,143 --> 00:43:00,846
[cheers and applause]

1122
00:43:00,846 --> 00:43:03,381
[chuckles]

1123
00:43:05,250 --> 00:43:06,852
I like Lil Wayne,

1124
00:43:06,852 --> 00:43:09,187
but we all must concur
in this building this evening.

1125
00:43:09,187 --> 00:43:13,424
That man look like
a big-ass cricket, don't he?

1126
00:43:13,424 --> 00:43:15,193
It's like he call girls
in the club like this.

1127
00:43:15,193 --> 00:43:18,063
[imitates crickets chirping]

1128
00:43:18,063 --> 00:43:20,031
* Come here baby

1129
00:43:20,031 --> 00:43:21,667
[imitates crickets chirping]

1130
00:43:21,667 --> 00:43:23,568
* I wish I could chirp
every girl in the world *

1131
00:43:23,568 --> 00:43:25,536
* Young money yeah

1132
00:43:25,536 --> 00:43:27,305
I'm just saying, man.

1133
00:43:27,305 --> 00:43:28,907
What Wayne has done is

1134
00:43:28,907 --> 00:43:30,809
he's brought a lot of people
together musically,

1135
00:43:30,809 --> 00:43:32,543
and that's what we need, baby.

1136
00:43:32,543 --> 00:43:34,312
'Cause discrimination
is the deterioration

1137
00:43:34,312 --> 00:43:35,881
to our nation.

1138
00:43:35,881 --> 00:43:38,784
- Huh?
[cheers and applause]

1139
00:43:38,784 --> 00:43:42,788
All I'm saying
is you white, I'm Black.

1140
00:43:42,788 --> 00:43:46,557
That don't mean we can't
sleep together.

1141
00:43:46,557 --> 00:43:48,393
It just means the baby
gonna look like Barack.

1142
00:43:48,393 --> 00:43:49,761
That's all the hell it means.

1143
00:43:49,761 --> 00:43:52,798
If you're Asian,
we can make Tiger Woods.

1144
00:43:52,798 --> 00:43:55,967
If you're Spanish,
we can make Victor Cruz.

1145
00:43:55,967 --> 00:43:57,268
If you're Indian,

1146
00:43:57,268 --> 00:43:58,804
I guess our children
gonna open up

1147
00:43:58,804 --> 00:44:02,974
the first chains of
Subways and KFCs put together.

1148
00:44:02,974 --> 00:44:05,811
And if you're really white,
like really white, like...

1149
00:44:05,811 --> 00:44:09,715
[imitating Minnesota accent]
"Oh, yeah, white,"

1150
00:44:09,715 --> 00:44:11,850
we can make Eminem,
how 'bout that?

1151
00:44:11,850 --> 00:44:13,719
'Cause y'all know
he ain't fully white.

1152
00:44:13,719 --> 00:44:15,320
He got some Black in him
somewhere.

1153
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:18,089
He is too angry to be
a normal white guy, I'm sorry.

1154
00:44:18,089 --> 00:44:19,157
Every time he raps,

1155
00:44:19,157 --> 00:44:20,726
he sound like
he want to kill somebody

1156
00:44:20,726 --> 00:44:22,493
for no damn reason, don't it?
He be...

1157
00:44:22,493 --> 00:44:24,763
* I'm gonna take a bitch,
put her in the trunk *

1158
00:44:24,763 --> 00:44:26,264
* Drive the motherfucker
off a bridge *

1159
00:44:26,264 --> 00:44:27,733
* Under the water

1160
00:44:27,733 --> 00:44:29,567
* Wait for a great white shark
to come *

1161
00:44:29,567 --> 00:44:31,502
* Pop the trunk,
there goes the bitch *

1162
00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:33,438
* Chum, chum, chum, chum

1163
00:44:33,438 --> 00:44:35,907
[cheers and applause]

1164
00:44:41,747 --> 00:44:44,883
You need a hug, sir.

1165
00:44:44,883 --> 00:44:47,352
You need PBS in your life.

1166
00:44:47,352 --> 00:44:50,856
You need Arthur,
Mr. Mathers.

1167
00:44:50,856 --> 00:44:53,892
But it's so crazy to see
Eminem's evolution, right?

1168
00:44:53,892 --> 00:44:56,294
'Cause how the hell do you go
from rapping like this...

1169
00:44:56,294 --> 00:44:58,363
* I'm disappointed
at my dentist appointment *

1170
00:44:58,363 --> 00:45:00,766
* They gave me the fucking gas
for 30 minutes this morning *

1171
00:45:00,766 --> 00:45:03,001
* Walked in a hospital
to get a chest X-ray *

1172
00:45:03,001 --> 00:45:04,602
* I walked out the next day

1173
00:45:04,602 --> 00:45:05,771
* With a dress
and a sex change *

1174
00:45:05,771 --> 00:45:07,672
You're like, what?

1175
00:45:07,672 --> 00:45:09,607
How the hell
did he go from that to...

1176
00:45:09,607 --> 00:45:11,676
* Oomina-lay-la,
oogie-wala-wala *

1177
00:45:11,676 --> 00:45:12,844
* Swallow the garlic

1178
00:45:12,844 --> 00:45:14,112
Garlic, he wants
to make a pizza.

1179
00:45:14,112 --> 00:45:17,783
I get it.
I understand him.

1180
00:45:17,783 --> 00:45:20,351
I like Eminem, man.
Eminem is dope.

1181
00:45:20,351 --> 00:45:21,787
I like lyricists.

1182
00:45:21,787 --> 00:45:23,654
I like people
that actually rap.

1183
00:45:23,654 --> 00:45:25,656
Kendrick, J. Cole, Drake,

1184
00:45:25,656 --> 00:45:28,459
I feel like they--
they spit.

1185
00:45:28,459 --> 00:45:30,395
I pay attention to lyricists.

1186
00:45:30,395 --> 00:45:32,297
'Cause y'all
might not know this.

1187
00:45:32,297 --> 00:45:35,300
I've been rapping
13 years of my life.

1188
00:45:35,300 --> 00:45:36,334
No?

1189
00:45:36,334 --> 00:45:38,136
[cheers and applause]

1190
00:45:38,136 --> 00:45:39,504
She--

1191
00:45:39,504 --> 00:45:41,539
The Black girl,
"Spit something."

1192
00:45:41,539 --> 00:45:45,343
[laughter and applause]

1193
00:45:45,343 --> 00:45:47,712
I said, um...

1194
00:45:47,712 --> 00:45:50,415
[laughter]

1195
00:45:50,415 --> 00:45:52,918
[cheers and applause]

1196
00:45:57,488 --> 00:45:58,890
I said, uh--

1197
00:45:58,890 --> 00:46:00,191
That's what rappers always do.

1198
00:46:00,191 --> 00:46:02,060
"I said, uh..."

1199
00:46:02,060 --> 00:46:03,895
* Yo people say
he doing comedy *

1200
00:46:03,895 --> 00:46:04,930
* Why the hell he rapping

1201
00:46:04,930 --> 00:46:06,397
* Got a heavy passion

1202
00:46:06,397 --> 00:46:07,899
* But I can drop both
and convert to acting *

1203
00:46:07,899 --> 00:46:09,567
* Why do one when I can
do it all *

1204
00:46:09,567 --> 00:46:11,169
* 'Cause I know if they take
a step in my shoes *

1205
00:46:11,169 --> 00:46:12,838
* These fuckers
will trip and fall *

1206
00:46:12,838 --> 00:46:13,939
* People always
want my position *

1207
00:46:13,939 --> 00:46:15,473
* They always askin'

1208
00:46:15,473 --> 00:46:16,908
* If they play punching bag
to the critics *

1209
00:46:16,908 --> 00:46:18,243
* Could they everlast it

1210
00:46:18,243 --> 00:46:19,911
* Probably OD
on some dumb shit *

1211
00:46:19,911 --> 00:46:21,312
* Stretched in elastic,
Dead President moves *

1212
00:46:21,312 --> 00:46:23,081
* TV running
when the band unfastens *

1213
00:46:23,081 --> 00:46:24,983
* In these last months
I upgraded fashion *

1214
00:46:24,983 --> 00:46:26,617
* Balenciaga sneakers,
looks to kill *

1215
00:46:26,617 --> 00:46:28,253
* Jay Pharoah turned assassin

1216
00:46:28,253 --> 00:46:29,587
* Eddie Murphy's uncle
said I'd be king *

1217
00:46:29,587 --> 00:46:31,122
* And these niggas doubt me

1218
00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:32,590
* That's why you might not
hear from me *

1219
00:46:32,590 --> 00:46:34,092
* But you'll hear about me

1220
00:46:34,092 --> 00:46:35,360
* I'm pressing buttons
and pulling cards *

1221
00:46:35,360 --> 00:46:36,661
* We'll call it Alfie

1222
00:46:36,661 --> 00:46:37,695
* Largest comedian,
will it happen *

1223
00:46:37,695 --> 00:46:38,864
* It May, Ralphie

1224
00:46:38,864 --> 00:46:40,031
* Why he so fantastic for

1225
00:46:40,031 --> 00:46:41,032
* Ask Jessica Alba

1226
00:46:41,032 --> 00:46:42,433
* Dark and sexy, nigga

1227
00:46:42,433 --> 00:46:43,969
* To the women I'm like
Idris Elba *

1228
00:46:43,969 --> 00:46:45,603
* Margot Robbie,
girl you can get it *

1229
00:46:45,603 --> 00:46:47,505
* I'm not committed
so it's no problem *

1230
00:46:47,505 --> 00:46:48,874
* Saying that I wanna hit it

1231
00:46:48,874 --> 00:46:50,508
* I got the kinda life
they kill for *

1232
00:46:50,508 --> 00:46:52,110
* I got this Jordan mindset

1233
00:46:52,110 --> 00:46:53,678
* So I'm just trying
to push my bill forward *

1234
00:46:53,678 --> 00:46:55,113
* I hope my ex straight

1235
00:46:55,113 --> 00:46:56,614
* And at 12 years a slave,
you free *

1236
00:46:56,614 --> 00:46:58,116
* There's about a thousand
of you baby *

1237
00:46:58,116 --> 00:46:59,684
* But there's one of me,
Kanye *

1238
00:46:59,684 --> 00:47:01,019
* Good luck trying to forget

1239
00:47:01,019 --> 00:47:02,120
* World never knew
I could spit *

1240
00:47:02,120 --> 00:47:03,288
* Boss so amazing legit

1241
00:47:03,288 --> 00:47:04,890
* Champagne have me a sip

1242
00:47:04,890 --> 00:47:06,524
* Dating these
Hollywood chicks *

1243
00:47:06,524 --> 00:47:08,359
* I'm smart,
we ain't making no flicks *

1244
00:47:08,359 --> 00:47:09,694
* 'Cause I'll be damned
if she blow up on me *

1245
00:47:09,694 --> 00:47:10,795
* On Kardashian shit

1246
00:47:10,795 --> 00:47:13,631
Balls.
Hashtag, balls.

1247
00:47:13,631 --> 00:47:15,533
[cheers and applause]

1248
00:47:15,533 --> 00:47:16,902
Hashtag, balls.

1249
00:47:16,902 --> 00:47:17,903
[chuckles]

1250
00:47:17,903 --> 00:47:21,039
[cheers and applause]

1251
00:47:26,411 --> 00:47:30,248
I don't know if it's time
for self promotion, but, uh...

1252
00:47:30,248 --> 00:47:34,085
the EP is out right now
on SoundCloud, did you--

1253
00:47:34,085 --> 00:47:36,254
That's why, look,
I like lyricists.

1254
00:47:36,254 --> 00:47:38,789
That's why, in my spare time,
I watch battle rap.

1255
00:47:38,789 --> 00:47:40,125
That's what I do.

1256
00:47:40,125 --> 00:47:41,993
Sometimes they say
the smartest thing,

1257
00:47:41,993 --> 00:47:43,929
sometimes they say
the dumbest thing,

1258
00:47:43,929 --> 00:47:46,264
but either way,
it's fucking awesome.

1259
00:47:46,264 --> 00:47:48,066
I was watching the other day,
and this rapper

1260
00:47:48,066 --> 00:47:50,401
was just like this.
He goes, "Yo."

1261
00:47:50,401 --> 00:47:53,071
* I put the iron to your dome
like I'm ironing clothes *

1262
00:47:53,071 --> 00:47:56,141
I was like, "Yeah.

1263
00:47:56,141 --> 00:48:00,011
Steam that nigga, yeah."

1264
00:48:00,011 --> 00:48:02,413
But sometimes they say
stupid stuff, right?

1265
00:48:02,413 --> 00:48:03,949
Like, I'm watching
the other day

1266
00:48:03,949 --> 00:48:05,583
and this rapper goes
just like this.

1267
00:48:05,583 --> 00:48:09,654
* Yo, I'll melt your face
like mozzarella *

1268
00:48:12,991 --> 00:48:14,960
Proceed.

1269
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:16,594
Then he was like...

1270
00:48:16,594 --> 00:48:18,196
* So be cool 'cause it's
some real werewolves *

1271
00:48:18,196 --> 00:48:21,732
* Around you Bella

1272
00:48:21,732 --> 00:48:23,969
I said, "Wait a minute.

1273
00:48:23,969 --> 00:48:25,236
"Werewolves?
Bella?

1274
00:48:25,236 --> 00:48:27,505
"Since when do gangsters
watch Twilight?

1275
00:48:27,505 --> 00:48:28,439
What the hell?"

1276
00:48:28,439 --> 00:48:30,175
And this is what messed me up.

1277
00:48:30,175 --> 00:48:31,676
As soon as he said that lyric,

1278
00:48:31,676 --> 00:48:34,679
everybody in the battle
at the same time was like,

1279
00:48:34,679 --> 00:48:36,514
"Nigga!"

1280
00:48:36,514 --> 00:48:39,450
[laughter and applause]

1281
00:48:42,420 --> 00:48:46,391
"We just saw that on demand
this morning."

1282
00:48:46,391 --> 00:48:48,193
I said,
"Gangsters watching Twilight?

1283
00:48:48,193 --> 00:48:50,595
That makes no sense."

1284
00:48:50,595 --> 00:48:52,897
And don't think it's all fun
and games with me though.

1285
00:48:52,897 --> 00:48:55,900
'Cause I watch CNN.

1286
00:48:55,900 --> 00:48:57,468
Makes no sense.
You got people

1287
00:48:57,468 --> 00:48:59,804
that get robbed, stabbed,
raped, and killed.

1288
00:48:59,804 --> 00:49:02,273
Some of them can't even get
the front page of a newspaper.

1289
00:49:02,273 --> 00:49:04,342
Meanwhile,
you got Kim Kardashian

1290
00:49:04,342 --> 00:49:06,777
who seemed like
she had more exposure

1291
00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:08,846
for her divorces and marriage
than Barack had

1292
00:49:08,846 --> 00:49:10,181
his first year in office.

1293
00:49:10,181 --> 00:49:11,549
That didn't make any sense
to me.

1294
00:49:11,549 --> 00:49:13,651
Even Barack was like,
"Uh..."

1295
00:49:13,651 --> 00:49:16,054
[coughs]

1296
00:49:16,054 --> 00:49:17,222
[imitating Barack Obama]
"Well, uh,

1297
00:49:17,222 --> 00:49:21,126
"that bitch gets
a lot of exposure.

1298
00:49:21,126 --> 00:49:26,797
"I mean, because, uh, uh,
uh...

1299
00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:29,900
"uh, we all want to sleep
with her.

1300
00:49:29,900 --> 00:49:35,640
"Uh, me, Sasha, Malia.

1301
00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:38,343
"Even my dog wants
to hit that.

1302
00:49:38,343 --> 00:49:43,048
"As a matter of fact,
if I get caught, uh...

1303
00:49:43,048 --> 00:49:45,816
"with Kim Kardashian, uh...

1304
00:49:45,816 --> 00:49:50,388
"uh, well, Michelle's just gotta
let some shit slide.

1305
00:49:50,388 --> 00:49:52,923
"Uh, I mean, come on,
everybody.

1306
00:49:52,923 --> 00:49:55,193
"Uh, her skin is soft.

1307
00:49:55,193 --> 00:49:57,662
"Uh, she looks good.

1308
00:49:57,662 --> 00:50:00,898
And, uh, that ass is bigger
than the deficit."

1309
00:50:00,898 --> 00:50:03,568
[laughter and applause]

1310
00:50:03,568 --> 00:50:06,171
Aw, man, I would love to see
that dude in the strip club.

1311
00:50:06,171 --> 00:50:07,738
That'd be hilarious.

1312
00:50:07,738 --> 00:50:13,178
He just be in the strip club,
he be...

1313
00:50:13,178 --> 00:50:14,179
[imitating Barack Obama]
"Well, uh, thanks

1314
00:50:14,179 --> 00:50:16,013
"for bringing me here, Joe.

1315
00:50:16,013 --> 00:50:20,017
"Uh, we gotta get a selfie
with some of these asses.

1316
00:50:20,017 --> 00:50:23,688
"Uh, hashtag it 'Obama-rama.'

1317
00:50:23,688 --> 00:50:27,024
"Uh, I can get her to come
over here if you want me to.

1318
00:50:27,024 --> 00:50:29,360
"She knows who the hell I am.

1319
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:30,861
"All right, let me get her.

1320
00:50:30,861 --> 00:50:34,199
"Uh, Peppermint, come here.

1321
00:50:34,199 --> 00:50:36,267
"Uh, come on,
sit down right here.

1322
00:50:36,267 --> 00:50:40,605
"Now, uh, my friend here,
Joe Biden,

1323
00:50:40,605 --> 00:50:42,707
"he's, uh, he's pretty shy.

1324
00:50:42,707 --> 00:50:44,709
"But he wants you to know
that, uh,

1325
00:50:44,709 --> 00:50:48,045
"you're very beautiful,
and, uh--oh!

1326
00:50:48,045 --> 00:50:50,715
"He won't make it rain.

1327
00:50:50,715 --> 00:50:53,918
Uh, he'll make it Hurricane
Sandy up in this bitch."

1328
00:50:53,918 --> 00:50:56,087
[laughter and applause]

1329
00:50:56,087 --> 00:50:58,156
Now, my fantasy pick
for a president

1330
00:50:58,156 --> 00:51:00,825
would be Eddie Murphy.

1331
00:51:00,825 --> 00:51:03,628
'Cause he can handle
any situation.

1332
00:51:03,628 --> 00:51:05,663
I think if he was accused
of a sexual scandal,

1333
00:51:05,663 --> 00:51:08,133
he wouldn't even care.
Reporters come at him,

1334
00:51:08,133 --> 00:51:10,968
"Eddie, so you slept
with some congresswomen, man.

1335
00:51:10,968 --> 00:51:11,969
What you got to say?"

1336
00:51:11,969 --> 00:51:16,974
He'll be...

1337
00:51:19,477 --> 00:51:21,512
[imitating Eddie Murphy]
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

1338
00:51:21,512 --> 00:51:24,849
"Let me tell your ass something
right now.

1339
00:51:24,849 --> 00:51:26,317
"I just want to be honest
with you right now.

1340
00:51:26,317 --> 00:51:27,685
"Let me tell you something
right now.

1341
00:51:27,685 --> 00:51:28,819
"Yes, I did.
Yes, I did.

1342
00:51:28,819 --> 00:51:30,488
"I did it.
I slept with her.

1343
00:51:30,488 --> 00:51:31,922
"Let me tell you something.
It was good,

1344
00:51:31,922 --> 00:51:35,160
"it was sexy, and in
the morning, we had waffles.

1345
00:51:35,160 --> 00:51:40,998
[laughter and applause]

1346
00:51:40,998 --> 00:51:42,900
"Oh, yes.

1347
00:51:42,900 --> 00:51:46,171
"And I would have slept
with your ass too,

1348
00:51:46,171 --> 00:51:48,206
"'cause I love sex.

1349
00:51:48,206 --> 00:51:50,408
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

1350
00:51:50,408 --> 00:51:53,010
Please don't tweet that.

1351
00:51:53,010 --> 00:51:55,079
I like my job.
Don't tweet it, okay?

1352
00:51:55,079 --> 00:51:56,881
I know it 'cause there's always
a group of women

1353
00:51:56,881 --> 00:51:59,784
ready to tweet something
and mess up somebody's career,

1354
00:51:59,784 --> 00:52:02,687
even though, observationally,
groups of women together

1355
00:52:02,687 --> 00:52:05,956
are so funny, 'cause one
of y'all always ends up

1356
00:52:05,956 --> 00:52:07,292
getting too drunk...

1357
00:52:07,292 --> 00:52:08,526
(woman)
Oh, my God!

1358
00:52:08,526 --> 00:52:09,960
Flirting with the wrong--

1359
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:11,596
[laughter and applause]

1360
00:52:11,596 --> 00:52:16,100
We've learned
a lot about you tonight.

1361
00:52:16,100 --> 00:52:21,772
Getting too drunk,
flirting with the wrong guy,

1362
00:52:21,772 --> 00:52:23,974
and then your girlfriend's
gotta play Save-A-Ho

1363
00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:26,777
and get you out the situation.
It's so funny.

1364
00:52:26,777 --> 00:52:28,446
As soon as it happens,
the girlfriend's like this,

1365
00:52:28,446 --> 00:52:30,215
the one that's trying
to cock-block, she's like,

1366
00:52:30,215 --> 00:52:33,017
"No! Get the fuck off of her!
"Get the fuck off of her!

1367
00:52:33,017 --> 00:52:36,621
"She's coming home with us!
She's coming home with us!

1368
00:52:36,621 --> 00:52:38,789
"Get the fuck--get--
get off of her!

1369
00:52:38,789 --> 00:52:42,827
"Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!

1370
00:52:42,827 --> 00:52:44,829
"Stop it, bitch!
Stop it! Ha!

1371
00:52:44,829 --> 00:52:47,565
"Stop it! Stop it!
No, let me talk to her.

1372
00:52:47,565 --> 00:52:50,535
"Karen, look at me, Karen.

1373
00:52:50,535 --> 00:52:52,670
"Sweetie, you're drunk, okay?

1374
00:52:52,670 --> 00:52:54,539
"If he wants to take you out,
he's gonna wait

1375
00:52:54,539 --> 00:52:57,141
"till the freakin' sun comes up
and take you out

1376
00:52:57,141 --> 00:52:59,244
"on a respectable date
like an adult.

1377
00:52:59,244 --> 00:53:02,247
"We came together.
We're leaving together.

1378
00:53:02,247 --> 00:53:03,714
"Fuck you, Tyrone!

1379
00:53:03,714 --> 00:53:06,317
We came together.
We're leaving together."

1380
00:53:06,317 --> 00:53:07,985
And then the girlfriend--
then the girlfriend,

1381
00:53:07,985 --> 00:53:09,587
she's all fucking like this.

1382
00:53:09,587 --> 00:53:11,155
She's like,
"I don't know, Karen."

1383
00:53:11,155 --> 00:53:15,092
Her name's Karen too.
"I don't know, Karen.

1384
00:53:15,092 --> 00:53:16,394
[sighs]

1385
00:53:16,394 --> 00:53:20,064
"I mean, he's still nice.

1386
00:53:20,064 --> 00:53:24,835
"I really can't
stand up straight right now,

1387
00:53:24,835 --> 00:53:30,941
"and I can't see his face,
but I can see his shoes.

1388
00:53:30,941 --> 00:53:33,511
Stacy Adams.
They're so sexy."

1389
00:53:33,511 --> 00:53:35,746
[mimics retching]

1390
00:53:35,746 --> 00:53:37,482
And then the guy
gets all creepy like,

1391
00:53:37,482 --> 00:53:39,350
"Let her make
her own decisions."

1392
00:53:39,350 --> 00:53:43,521
[laughter and applause]

1393
00:53:43,521 --> 00:53:46,691
* I got my eye on you

1394
00:53:46,691 --> 00:53:49,594
[applause]

1395
00:53:49,594 --> 00:53:51,629
Any straight-up New Yorkers here
right now?

1396
00:53:51,629 --> 00:53:53,364
[cheers and applause]

1397
00:53:53,364 --> 00:53:57,302
Yo, you can always tell
when somebody's from New York,

1398
00:53:57,302 --> 00:53:59,770
because when you get
in an altercation with them,

1399
00:53:59,770 --> 00:54:01,839
they'll let you know...

1400
00:54:01,839 --> 00:54:04,074
what city they came from,

1401
00:54:04,074 --> 00:54:06,344
what borough
they were raised in,

1402
00:54:06,344 --> 00:54:08,012
and at least one thing
that happened to them

1403
00:54:08,012 --> 00:54:10,014
when they was little
that qualifies for them

1404
00:54:10,014 --> 00:54:12,016
whupping your ass
in a situation.

1405
00:54:12,016 --> 00:54:13,451
Like my mom, for instance.

1406
00:54:13,451 --> 00:54:15,620
If you would ever get
in a verbal fight with my mom,

1407
00:54:15,620 --> 00:54:17,522
it would never get to fists
'cause she'd fucking,

1408
00:54:17,522 --> 00:54:19,557
you know, verbally--we--pfft!
You know fucking New Yorkers.

1409
00:54:19,557 --> 00:54:21,459
They fucking--they'll fuck you
up, you know what I'm saying?

1410
00:54:21,459 --> 00:54:23,894
My mom be just like this here,
"Unh-uh, I'm from Brooklyn.

1411
00:54:23,894 --> 00:54:26,030
"I'm from do-or-die
Bed-Stuy Brooklyn.

1412
00:54:26,030 --> 00:54:27,798
"Do not play with me, okay?

1413
00:54:27,798 --> 00:54:29,334
"There was 40 roaches
in my house.

1414
00:54:29,334 --> 00:54:30,868
"We named one of 'em Spot.
[clicks tongue]

1415
00:54:30,868 --> 00:54:33,904
I'll kill you.
Don't play with me."

1416
00:54:33,904 --> 00:54:37,241
So we at the gas station, right?

1417
00:54:37,241 --> 00:54:40,411
And this lady caught herself
taking my mother's pump.

1418
00:54:40,411 --> 00:54:42,212
But my mother
wasn't having that.

1419
00:54:42,212 --> 00:54:44,882
She told me and my sister
to get out the car

1420
00:54:44,882 --> 00:54:48,052
'cause she was gonna discipline
this lady right on spot.

1421
00:54:48,052 --> 00:54:50,721
I said, "You gonna discipline
her right on spot?"

1422
00:54:50,721 --> 00:54:52,056
She said, "Mm-hmm."

1423
00:54:52,056 --> 00:54:54,258
I said, "Worse than you did
when you hit me

1424
00:54:54,258 --> 00:54:56,761
with that Ninja Turtles
umbrella?"

1425
00:54:56,761 --> 00:54:58,396
She was like, "Much worse."

1426
00:54:58,396 --> 00:55:01,265
I said, "Oh, snap!"

1427
00:55:01,265 --> 00:55:03,968
She walks up to the lady.
She was like, "Unh-uh! Unh-uh!

1428
00:55:03,968 --> 00:55:05,370
"I'm from Brooklyn.

1429
00:55:05,370 --> 00:55:07,472
"I'm from do-or-die
Bed-Stuy Brooklyn.

1430
00:55:07,472 --> 00:55:09,907
You took my spot.
I don't play that."

1431
00:55:09,907 --> 00:55:11,876
The lady was like, "So?
I'm from Oakland."

1432
00:55:11,876 --> 00:55:14,479
My mom said,
"Y'all get in the car."

1433
00:55:14,479 --> 00:55:17,715
[laughter and applause]

1434
00:55:17,715 --> 00:55:19,384
I said, "Wait a minute, Mama!

1435
00:55:19,384 --> 00:55:21,386
You supposed to fight her!
Don't be a punk!"

1436
00:55:21,386 --> 00:55:23,153
She said,
"Baby, I'm not a punk.

1437
00:55:23,153 --> 00:55:26,391
I'm a survivor.
That's what the hell I am."

1438
00:55:26,391 --> 00:55:28,826
You don't mess with people
from Oakland, folks.

1439
00:55:28,826 --> 00:55:30,395
You just don't do it.

1440
00:55:30,395 --> 00:55:33,398
Even in the Rise of the Planet
of the Apes,

1441
00:55:33,398 --> 00:55:36,501
you notice they went over
that Golden Gate Bridge,

1442
00:55:36,501 --> 00:55:38,035
but they did not mess
with the Bay one?

1443
00:55:38,035 --> 00:55:39,737
Did you notice that?

1444
00:55:39,737 --> 00:55:42,006
'Cause there would have been
far more dangerous creatures

1445
00:55:42,006 --> 00:55:44,241
on the other side,
just waiting for 'em like,

1446
00:55:44,241 --> 00:55:46,577
"Hold on, bruh.

1447
00:55:46,577 --> 00:55:50,280
"Hey, yo, who these Flavor
Flav-looking niggas, bruh...

1448
00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:52,750
"coming over here with
these ashy knuckles, nigga?

1449
00:55:52,750 --> 00:55:54,552
Who the fuck are these peop--"
The movie wouldn't

1450
00:55:54,552 --> 00:55:56,687
have been called
Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

1451
00:55:56,687 --> 00:55:58,889
It would have been called
The Apes Died in Oakland.

1452
00:55:58,889 --> 00:56:01,426
There would have been no sequel.

1453
00:56:01,426 --> 00:56:02,760
Don't do it.

1454
00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:04,495
Apes were gangster, man.

1455
00:56:04,495 --> 00:56:06,931
You ever had a gangster
situation just happen to you?

1456
00:56:06,931 --> 00:56:09,033
Like you, right here.

1457
00:56:09,033 --> 00:56:11,502
She's like, "No.

1458
00:56:11,502 --> 00:56:14,805
"I was at the H&M
the other day,

1459
00:56:14,805 --> 00:56:17,942
"and I switched
the $4.95 tag

1460
00:56:17,942 --> 00:56:20,277
"with the $12.95.

1461
00:56:20,277 --> 00:56:24,449
[singsong]
And I got away with it."

1462
00:56:24,449 --> 00:56:26,451
I had a gangster situation
happen to me

1463
00:56:26,451 --> 00:56:28,453
where I had to be gangster
in the situation.

1464
00:56:28,453 --> 00:56:30,320
You just had to be.
Sometimes you just gotta,

1465
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:32,222
you know, buck up
and do what you gotta do.

1466
00:56:32,222 --> 00:56:34,358
I was trying to get a cab
in February.

1467
00:56:34,358 --> 00:56:37,327
The cabdriver saw me,
looked at me,

1468
00:56:37,327 --> 00:56:38,963
and then sped the hell off.

1469
00:56:38,963 --> 00:56:40,698
But he got caught
at the red light

1470
00:56:40,698 --> 00:56:42,332
that was right in front of me.

1471
00:56:42,332 --> 00:56:46,203
So I was like, "Oh, snap!"
So you know what I did?

1472
00:56:46,203 --> 00:56:48,172
I went Denzel Washington
Training Day

1473
00:56:48,172 --> 00:56:50,307
on his ass right there.
I was like...

1474
00:56:50,307 --> 00:56:53,478
[imitating Denzel Washington
laughing]

1475
00:56:53,478 --> 00:56:55,846
"Okay, all right.

1476
00:56:55,846 --> 00:56:58,649
"Yeah, my nigga, my nigga.

1477
00:56:58,649 --> 00:57:02,820
[laughter and applause]

1478
00:57:02,820 --> 00:57:04,054
"Yeah, so you're telling me

1479
00:57:04,054 --> 00:57:05,656
"you were just gonna drive off,
huh?

1480
00:57:05,656 --> 00:57:07,391
"That's what you're saying,
right, huh?

1481
00:57:07,391 --> 00:57:09,059
"You were just gonna drive--
[flaps lips]

1482
00:57:09,059 --> 00:57:11,095
"That's what you saying.
Huh?

1483
00:57:11,095 --> 00:57:12,497
"You were just gonna drive off,
huh?

1484
00:57:12,497 --> 00:57:14,565
"It's negative 20 degrees
out here.

1485
00:57:14,565 --> 00:57:17,234
"My fingers are about
to fall off my hand,

1486
00:57:17,234 --> 00:57:19,737
"but you was about
to drive the fuck off.

1487
00:57:19,737 --> 00:57:21,238
"That's what you telling me,
right?

1488
00:57:21,238 --> 00:57:24,074
"Okay, well, let me tell you
something, Abu.

1489
00:57:24,074 --> 00:57:26,911
"That's right.
I said it, Abu.

1490
00:57:26,911 --> 00:57:29,980
"You just live here.
I run shit here!

1491
00:57:29,980 --> 00:57:33,117
King Kong ain't got shit
on me!"

1492
00:57:33,117 --> 00:57:34,519
He just ran the light.

1493
00:57:34,519 --> 00:57:36,253
He ain't want nothing
to do with it.

1494
00:57:36,253 --> 00:57:38,288
He was in his car like,
"That negro's crazy.

1495
00:57:38,288 --> 00:57:41,258
Something is wrong."

1496
00:57:41,258 --> 00:57:42,693
Telling you, man.

1497
00:57:42,693 --> 00:57:44,995
Fucking gangster women, man,
I like you.

1498
00:57:44,995 --> 00:57:46,330
You freak--oh, my God.

1499
00:57:46,330 --> 00:57:47,698
So much power in a woman.

1500
00:57:47,698 --> 00:57:49,934
You know where you can find it
exactly though?

1501
00:57:49,934 --> 00:57:51,201
Legs.
I'm a leg man.

1502
00:57:51,201 --> 00:57:52,537
Any other leg men in here?

1503
00:57:52,537 --> 00:57:55,873
[sparse cheers and applause]

1504
00:57:55,873 --> 00:57:58,943
So what the rest of y'all?
Titty fuckers?

1505
00:57:58,943 --> 00:58:01,445
I'm a leg--there's nothing
sexier than a woman

1506
00:58:01,445 --> 00:58:03,681
with a nice pair of legs,
you know what I'm saying?

1507
00:58:03,681 --> 00:58:05,415
Just walking out just nice
and just...

1508
00:58:05,415 --> 00:58:09,019
[imitates train chugging]

1509
00:58:09,019 --> 00:58:10,688
Put some
thigh-high stockings on.

1510
00:58:10,688 --> 00:58:12,957
Oh, my God!
That shit is sexy.

1511
00:58:12,957 --> 00:58:15,059
Women, if you don't got a pair
of thigh-high stockings,

1512
00:58:15,059 --> 00:58:18,028
go get some, make your man hot
like instant grits.

1513
00:58:18,028 --> 00:58:19,564
I'm so serious.

1514
00:58:19,564 --> 00:58:21,465
Matter of fact,
if you don't got some right now,

1515
00:58:21,465 --> 00:58:23,100
I want you to go home,

1516
00:58:23,100 --> 00:58:25,770
order it from Victoria Secret,
and send me the picture.

1517
00:58:25,770 --> 00:58:28,038
Make sure it ain't Snapchat,
'cause I'll get pissed off.

1518
00:58:28,038 --> 00:58:30,207
That's all I'm saying.

1519
00:58:30,207 --> 00:58:32,142
But stockings, boy,
it's so sexy.

1520
00:58:32,142 --> 00:58:34,812
But women,
let me talk to you, okay?

1521
00:58:34,812 --> 00:58:38,716
If you got a fat leg...

1522
00:58:38,716 --> 00:58:41,485
please do not take
a fishnet stocking

1523
00:58:41,485 --> 00:58:43,721
and put it on the fat leg.

1524
00:58:43,721 --> 00:58:47,091
Now you got little fat pieces
popping out the fishnet,

1525
00:58:47,091 --> 00:58:48,458
and it look like Bubble Wrap.

1526
00:58:48,458 --> 00:58:50,895
Now, me being
the type of person I am,

1527
00:58:50,895 --> 00:58:52,930
I'm trying to pop this shit.
"What the hell?"

1528
00:58:52,930 --> 00:58:57,902
[taps microphone repeatedly]

1529
00:59:06,376 --> 00:59:08,345
Jump on it.
That shit--

1530
00:59:08,345 --> 00:59:11,849
That was a long-ass leg.

1531
00:59:11,849 --> 00:59:13,483
Ain't know where the hell
I was going with that.

1532
00:59:13,483 --> 00:59:18,055
That's just a long-ass,
Wendy Williams-sized leg.

1533
00:59:18,055 --> 00:59:19,189
(man)
Damn!

1534
00:59:19,189 --> 00:59:20,758
It was big--

1535
00:59:20,758 --> 00:59:22,326
You ain't been here
the whole show?

1536
00:59:22,326 --> 00:59:23,527
You talking about some, "Damn."

1537
00:59:23,527 --> 00:59:27,031
I've said some fucked-up shit.

1538
00:59:27,031 --> 00:59:29,834
My God, man.
Jump on it.

1539
00:59:29,834 --> 00:59:33,070
That shit remind me of
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air...

1540
00:59:33,070 --> 00:59:36,674
when Will Smith and Carlton
got in that--all right.

1541
00:59:36,674 --> 00:59:39,910
I love Fresh Prince.
That's my show.

1542
00:59:39,910 --> 00:59:41,679
But y'all,
I'll be honest with you.

1543
00:59:41,679 --> 00:59:43,180
[cheers and applause]

1544
00:59:43,180 --> 00:59:46,016
Will Smith does not think
I sound like him.

1545
00:59:46,016 --> 00:59:48,185
Nope. First time I met him,
it was weird.

1546
00:59:48,185 --> 00:59:49,654
He was like...
[clears throat]

1547
00:59:49,654 --> 00:59:50,655
[imitating Will Smith]
"Yo, Jay, I don't think

1548
00:59:50,655 --> 00:59:53,357
you can sound like me."

1549
00:59:53,357 --> 00:59:54,859
And I was like...
[clears throat]

1550
00:59:54,859 --> 00:59:56,961
[imitating Will Smith]
"Yo, Will, stop playing."

1551
00:59:56,961 --> 00:59:59,764
[laughter and applause]

1552
00:59:59,764 --> 01:00:02,299
He was like,
"Yeah, that's good.

1553
01:00:02,299 --> 01:00:05,202
"Check it out.
Whoo!

1554
01:00:05,202 --> 01:00:07,537
Miami."

1555
01:00:07,537 --> 01:00:09,940
He made some good music, man,
you know?

1556
01:00:09,940 --> 01:00:12,076
No, but I was raised mostly
on, like,

1557
01:00:12,076 --> 01:00:13,277
Biggie Smalls and Tupac.

1558
01:00:13,277 --> 01:00:14,645
That's what I like listening to.

1559
01:00:14,645 --> 01:00:17,948
Biggie Smalls is just cool.
Just cool.

1560
01:00:17,948 --> 01:00:19,750
[imitating Notorious B.I.G.]
* First of all I Poppa

1561
01:00:19,750 --> 01:00:21,952
* Freaks all the honies,
dummies *

1562
01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:24,254
* Playboy bunnies,
those wanting money *

1563
01:00:24,254 --> 01:00:28,325
[breathing heavily]
"Oh! Oh! Oh!

1564
01:00:28,325 --> 01:00:29,827
"I should have never
put that steak

1565
01:00:29,827 --> 01:00:31,962
"in that chocolate fountain
at Golden Corral, man.

1566
01:00:31,962 --> 01:00:36,400
I never should have done that,
man."

1567
01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:38,969
Tupac was just powerful.

1568
01:00:38,969 --> 01:00:40,905
He was like Mufasa.

1569
01:00:40,905 --> 01:00:42,907
He said something,
you just listened to him.

1570
01:00:42,907 --> 01:00:44,775
You could put him--
if he was alive today,

1571
01:00:44,775 --> 01:00:48,145
I would love to see him go in,
like, a Chipotle or something,

1572
01:00:48,145 --> 01:00:50,781
and get to the end, like, when
he's getting his food and shit.

1573
01:00:50,781 --> 01:00:52,116
He's getting his food...
[imitating Tupac Shakur]

1574
01:00:52,116 --> 01:00:54,785
"Why do you keep telling me
that guac is $2?

1575
01:00:54,785 --> 01:00:56,653
"I know that.
You said it.

1576
01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:58,588
"It says it right there
on the menu.

1577
01:00:58,588 --> 01:01:00,290
You acting like I can't read."

1578
01:01:00,290 --> 01:01:01,926
* Come with me

1579
01:01:01,926 --> 01:01:04,762
* Hail Mary,
run quick see *

1580
01:01:04,762 --> 01:01:07,564
* What do you have here now

1581
01:01:07,564 --> 01:01:10,067
[laughter]

1582
01:01:10,067 --> 01:01:11,335
You!

1583
01:01:11,335 --> 01:01:13,003
You--you was mouthing it.

1584
01:01:13,003 --> 01:01:15,873
White girl, stand up,
come here.

1585
01:01:15,873 --> 01:01:17,241
Come here.

1586
01:01:17,241 --> 01:01:18,442
[cheers and applause]

1587
01:01:18,442 --> 01:01:21,511
On behalf
of the Black community,

1588
01:01:21,511 --> 01:01:22,847
I adopt you.

1589
01:01:22,847 --> 01:01:24,214
[cheers and applause]

1590
01:01:24,214 --> 01:01:25,515
Listen.

1591
01:01:25,515 --> 01:01:28,919
[cheering continues]

1592
01:01:28,919 --> 01:01:31,188
The next time you fill out
a census report,

1593
01:01:31,188 --> 01:01:33,223
you better put
"Black of Non-Hispanic origin."

1594
01:01:33,223 --> 01:01:36,060
Do you hear me?
White folks, we're taking her.

1595
01:01:36,060 --> 01:01:37,762
- What's your name?
- Karen.

1596
01:01:37,762 --> 01:01:42,867
- What?
[laughter and applause]

1597
01:01:46,937 --> 01:01:49,373
[laughs]

1598
01:01:49,373 --> 01:01:52,109
That's how you know
a joke works, motherfucker.

1599
01:01:52,109 --> 01:01:54,544
[laughs]

1600
01:01:54,544 --> 01:01:57,547
Oh, we're taking Karen.

1601
01:01:57,547 --> 01:02:00,050
And, uh, we're leaving y'all
with Nick Cannon.

1602
01:02:00,050 --> 01:02:01,451
So enjoy that shit.

1603
01:02:01,451 --> 01:02:03,620
I'm Jay Pharoah.
That's my time.

1604
01:02:03,620 --> 01:02:05,622
Thank y'all so much.

1605
01:02:05,622 --> 01:02:08,292
* Big track up
'cause I'm about to go, cool *

1606
01:02:08,292 --> 01:02:11,461
Yeah, man!

1607
01:02:11,461 --> 01:02:13,063
* I gotta get this together

1608
01:02:13,063 --> 01:02:15,565
* But my wild side
was like whatever *

1609
01:02:15,565 --> 01:02:17,001
* My mom said,
Jay, I'm worried *

1610
01:02:17,001 --> 01:02:18,969
Let me just--hey,
you wanna give me some love.

1611
01:02:18,969 --> 01:02:20,971
Give me some.
Give me some love.

1612
01:02:20,971 --> 01:02:23,473
Give me some.
Give me some elbow, God dang it.

1613
01:02:23,473 --> 01:02:26,143
Get you some elbow.

1614
01:02:26,143 --> 01:02:28,345
* I got a question,
what you do better *

1615
01:02:28,345 --> 01:02:31,181
He was like, "Throw them bones.
Throw them bones."

1616
01:02:31,181 --> 01:02:33,650
* I just lied to the big man
I spoke to *

1617
01:02:33,650 --> 01:02:35,719
* I gotta get this together

1618
01:02:35,719 --> 01:02:38,022
* But my wild side
was like whatever *

1619
01:02:38,022 --> 01:02:39,990
* My mom said,
Jay, I'm worried *

1620
01:02:39,990 --> 01:02:41,859
* Baby, you need to get
your life together *

1621
01:02:41,859 --> 01:02:43,527
* Well, Mama, do you know
the pressure *

1622
01:02:43,527 --> 01:02:45,729
* Of life's pleasures
when them nuts sweat you *

1623
01:02:45,729 --> 01:02:47,097
* When you play a dark room