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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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(techno music playing)

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ ♪

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♪ Play it, say it,
say it, say it... ♪

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♪ Play it, say it,
say it, say it... ♪

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Woman:
Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome
Whitney Cummings!

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(cheering)

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I have to pee.
I'm good!

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What is up, bitches? Come on!

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(cheering)

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Thank you so much
for being here.

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I'm shooting my HBO special,
no big deal.

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This has been a dream
of mine for a very long time,

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so thank you for being here,
for showing up.

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I really appreciate it.

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Thank you for
wearing shorts, sir.

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You were getting ready,

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you're like, "I'm going
to Whitney's dream come true,
and I'm gonna--

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"I'm gonna wear
these seersucker--"

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operative word:
suck-- "shorts.

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"I just want her to look
at my scrotum the whole night

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to let her know what I think
of her accomplishments."

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You know, just that thigh.

26
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You know, that weird part
of your thigh that just looks
like a swollen vagina?

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That's what I'm looking at.

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Really appr--
Thanks for shaving, sir.

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And where's the camera.
Is there a camera in the--

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And for you guys at home,
if you're watching this
on YouTube,

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fuck you,

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Go to HBO Go,
like an adult,

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so I can get ten cents,
okay, out of this view.

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(cheers, applause)

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Thank you.

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I'm wearing heels tonight,
it's the least you could
fucking do.

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I like you guys.
You guys are hot, sexy.

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Sexy people.
Are you guys young? Young?

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Yeah? Yeah?
Anyone in their 20s?

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20s?
Audience: Whoo!

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That's what you do
in your 20s, you "whoo."

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Hold old are you?

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27.
27.

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Well, you're 30.

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(laughter, applause)

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Younger than 27?

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Woman: 24.
24! (laughing)

48
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Yeah, life's about
to fuck you up real bad.

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I love seeing girls
in their 20s. It cracks
me up, man.

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It reminds me
of when I was in my 20s.

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'Cause when I was in my 20s,
I was such an idiot.

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Like, when I was in my 20s,
I was the worst
combination of--

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I was arrogant, but I was
also, like, delusional,
you know?

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Like, when I was in my 20s,
I thought that I was a catch.

55
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I thought I was funny
and interesting and smart,

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but I wasn't. You're not.

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Okay? It's just that guys want
to have sex with you, right?

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So they laugh
at your stupid jokes.

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They listen to your
boring-ass stories.

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And then you start getting
an ego. You start thinking
you're awesome.

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Then you turn 30,
and guys stop wanting
to have sex with you,

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and then you're just left
with a terrible personality.

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That's what happened to me.
I got enabled in my 20s,

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now I'm in my 30s,
and I'm just a... dick.

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I'm the worst. I'm loud.
I'm obnoxious. I'm bossy.

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You know? But I think I got
confused about what guys like.

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'Cause you remember there was
a rumor going around
for a while

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that men like
strong women?

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People would say that.
They'd be like,
"Men like strong women.

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Men like independent,
strong women."

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Yeah, no they don't.

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Okay, I've seen porn.

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Men like Asian schoolgirls

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with duct tape
over their mouths.

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(laughter, applause)

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That's what men like.

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Literally, in porn they have
categories you can pick from.

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There's a menu on the side.
It's like,

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"girl-on-girl, college girls,"

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there's no "CEO."

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(laughter)

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Guys aren't watching
porn, like,

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"Yeah, girl, get
that promotion, yeah."

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It sucks.

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It sucks because I feel like
I worked my ass off
to accomplish my goals,

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to accomplish my dreams.

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Now I feel like
I have the best life ever.

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I have the career I want,
but guys are not into that.

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Guys aren't into
self-sufficient girls,

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you know, who are independent.

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That's not a turn-on.
I'm not a sexy woman.

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My dirty talk is not sexy.

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I'm like, "Hey, wanna
come back to my house...

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that I own?"

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(laughter)

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Not a turn-on.

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Guys like girls to be, like,
vulnerable and coy.

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Guy's like girls
to be like "Mmm...

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"I'm lost.

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"Can you help me? Mmm...

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Your dick's too big,
it hurts. Mmm..."

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It doesn't.

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(laughter, applause)

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I'm in my 30s.
Nothing fucking hurts anymore.

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My lower back kind of hurts.

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(laughter)
That's another...

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That's a different story.

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So, I don't know what
to do, you know? I can't stop
achieving my goals, right?

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I can't stop
doing what I love.

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So I feel like what I need
to start doing is when I meet
a guy that I like,

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I just need to acknowledge
what they find unattractive
about me

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and just straight up
negotiate with them.

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I'm gonna be like, "Look,
I know I'm not 24, but...

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"I have a pool."

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"I know I'm not adorable
and coy, but I can pay
all your bills.

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I can get you out
of debt today!"

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There's so much evidence
in our culture that you guys
like tiny, fragile women.

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You know, especially
in our vernacular.

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Even the fact that you guys
call us "baby."

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No one else
think that's weird?

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Especially in
a sexual connotation.

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Baby is the only
socially acceptable
increment of age

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you can say to a woman
in bed, you know?

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You can't be like, "Yeah,
bend over toddler, yeah."

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"Yeah, you like that,
preteen? Uhn!"

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I don't like it.
I think it's creepy.

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That's when a guy calls me
"baby" in bed, I'll be like,

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"Waah!"

129
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And then I just shit
my pants just to make a point.

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Like, you want a baby,
you got one, weirdo.

131
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Guys like girls to be babies,
and guys like girls to be bad.

132
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,079
Right? You guys
like "bad girls."

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So bizarre.

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It always happens,
you start dating a guy,

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it's only a matter of time
before you're having sex
and he's like,

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"Are you a bad girl?"

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I'm always like,

138
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"No.

139
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I pay my taxes on time."

140
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And, also, I feel like
before we play this game
of Are You a Bad Girl,

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we should agree on
a definition of bad that works
for both of us, okay?

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I'm a comedian,
my taste is a little bit off.

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If I was really gonna
double down on the
bad girl game, I'd be like,

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"Yeah, I'm a bad girl,
I have herpes and I didn't
tell you, yeah."

145
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Man:
No!
"No"?

146
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"It's not--
That's not an aphrodisiac,
okay, right.

147
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We'll circle back,
I'll work on that."

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Guys like girls
to be babies, guys like
girls to be bad,

149
00:08:58,129 --> 00:09:00,029
and guys like girls
to be exotic.

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00:09:00,049 --> 00:09:01,159
Guys are into
exotic girls now.

151
00:09:01,179 --> 00:09:03,059
I know this because
a girlfriend of mine

152
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,019
set me up on a blind date
with this guy,

153
00:09:05,039 --> 00:09:07,049
then she called me
and rescinded the date.

154
00:09:07,070 --> 00:09:08,179
She was like, "Yeah,
it's not gonna work out.

155
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I found out he's
only into Cuban girls."

156
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I was like, "All right,
I can put on some self-tanner,

157
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and drink out of
a fucking coconut.
What do you want?"

158
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And she was like, "No,
it's not about the skin color.

159
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:23,110
"He's not into Brazilian
girls, he's not into Spanish,
it's just Cuban."

160
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And I was trying to figure out
like, what is the fetish of
the island of Cuba? Just Cuba.

161
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The only thing I could deduce
is that Cuban girls must be
super fun to date

162
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'cause they're
super easy to impress

163
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'cause they've never had
American products before.

164
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So, he's like,
"I got you a Coca-Cola."

165
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She's like, "Oh my God,
he's a millionaire!"

166
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:49,230
Yeah, you guys have to read
the news to get that one.

167
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I think it's gonna be
harder and harder for you guys

168
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to find these kind of weak,
submissive women.

169
00:09:57,029 --> 00:09:59,100
'Cause women aren't like
that anymore. Women are
badasses now.

170
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:03,029
All my girlfriends are strong,
self-sufficient, have
awesome jobs, you know?

171
00:10:03,049 --> 00:10:05,039
And I-- Here's the thing.

172
00:10:05,059 --> 00:10:06,159
I think feminism is working,

173
00:10:06,179 --> 00:10:08,100
but I don't know
if you guys like it.

174
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,230
I think you guys
are mad at us about it,

175
00:10:11,009 --> 00:10:12,230
and it's coming out
in nefarious ways.

176
00:10:13,009 --> 00:10:16,029
Like, the way guys talk
about women has gotten
more aggressive.

177
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:20,009
The way guys talk about
having sex with women has
gotten super violent.

178
00:10:20,029 --> 00:10:22,070
I was talking to a guy
friend of mine a couple
weeks ago,

179
00:10:22,090 --> 00:10:23,190
and he goes,

180
00:10:23,210 --> 00:10:25,220
"I hooked up with
this girl the other night.

181
00:10:26,009 --> 00:10:28,000
Destroyed that shit."

182
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,009
It's like,
"Excuse me?"

183
00:10:32,029 --> 00:10:35,169
He goes, "Yeah, dude,
I murdered that shit, bro."

184
00:10:35,190 --> 00:10:39,009
It's like, first of all,
you did not murder her.

185
00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:40,129
She's fine.

186
00:10:40,149 --> 00:10:44,139
She's at home. She might be
a little disappointed,

187
00:10:44,159 --> 00:10:46,090
but she's gonna...

188
00:10:46,110 --> 00:10:52,009
She's gonna get through it.
She survived the wrath
of your murderous dick.

189
00:10:52,029 --> 00:10:54,220
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

190
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,120
You did not kill her.

191
00:10:56,139 --> 00:10:59,009
You might have given her
a urinary tract infection,

192
00:10:59,029 --> 00:11:03,190
but she's gonna--
She's gonna bounce back.

193
00:11:03,210 --> 00:11:06,080
I don't think that's
a healthy way to talk
about women.

194
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:09,100
And my theory is that
women have gotten stronger,

195
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,019
and as they get
more self-sufficient,

196
00:11:11,039 --> 00:11:13,179
you guys are getting
more aggressive towards us.

197
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,100
'Cause 10-15 years ago,
you guys didn't talk
that way about women.

198
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:19,230
You guys would say, you know,
like, "I'm gonna tap that."

199
00:11:20,009 --> 00:11:21,120
Right? "I'm gonna hit that."

200
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:23,210
Now it's like,
"I'm gonna murder it."

201
00:11:23,230 --> 00:11:27,059
I feel like in 10 years,
it's gonna be so disgusting.

202
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,149
Guys, you'll be like,
"Hooked up with this
girl the other night.

203
00:11:29,169 --> 00:11:32,179
"Scalped the bitch, bro.

204
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,129
"She's a full amputee now.

205
00:11:35,149 --> 00:11:38,100
"Motherfucking no legs.

206
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,039
"Eats from a tube.

207
00:11:41,059 --> 00:11:44,000
"My dick.

208
00:11:44,019 --> 00:11:46,220
You know Helen Keller?
My dick did that."

209
00:11:50,159 --> 00:11:52,090
It's too much.

210
00:11:52,110 --> 00:11:53,159
I don't think
music is helping.

211
00:11:53,179 --> 00:11:56,049
Music has gotten
so rude towards women.

212
00:11:56,070 --> 00:11:58,149
Have you guys
heard the song "Fight Night."

213
00:11:58,169 --> 00:12:00,120
No black people here?
That's embarrassing.

214
00:12:02,159 --> 00:12:05,120
Santa Monica.
Hashtag Santa Monica.

215
00:12:05,139 --> 00:12:08,090
(laughter, applause)

216
00:12:08,110 --> 00:12:11,139
Are you applauding?
Like, some kind of
white power rally?

217
00:12:11,159 --> 00:12:13,100
Don't applaud that!

218
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,220
Oh, God.

219
00:12:17,110 --> 00:12:20,220
The song goes,
"I'm gonna knock
that pussy out

220
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,149
like it's fight night."

221
00:12:22,169 --> 00:12:24,019
That's a song.

222
00:12:24,039 --> 00:12:26,210
There's another song that says
"I'm gonna beat
that pussy up."

223
00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:31,009
I'm like, I'm sorry,
what did our vaginas
ever do to you?

224
00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:33,070
Besides give you life

225
00:12:33,090 --> 00:12:36,179
and make you feel amazing
all the time?

226
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:39,179
How 'bout instead
of beating it up
and knocking it out,

227
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,159
how 'bout maybe, I don't know,
giving it an orgasm?

228
00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:44,049
I don't know.

229
00:12:44,070 --> 00:12:46,200
(cheering, applause)

230
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:51,230
I would like
to hear that song.

231
00:12:52,009 --> 00:12:54,029
"I'm gonna make you
climax, girl.

232
00:12:54,049 --> 00:12:56,070
I'm gonna make you
trust me."

233
00:12:56,090 --> 00:12:57,139
I...

234
00:12:57,159 --> 00:12:59,029
(laughter)

235
00:12:59,049 --> 00:13:01,190
I would like
to hear that song.

236
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,090
I blame rappers.

237
00:13:04,110 --> 00:13:07,009
It's not just male
rappers, female rappers
are just as bad.

238
00:13:07,029 --> 00:13:08,100
You guys know Nicki Minaj?

239
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,009
Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans?

240
00:13:10,029 --> 00:13:12,019
I used to love Nicki Minaj.

241
00:13:12,039 --> 00:13:14,090
But then I heard her talk,

242
00:13:14,110 --> 00:13:16,210
and it wasn't good.

243
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:19,110
So, she sounded like
such a hypocrite,

244
00:13:19,129 --> 00:13:22,009
and I think she's a bad
role model 'cause she was up
there, and she was like,

245
00:13:22,029 --> 00:13:25,129
"You know, men don't
respect me in the rap game
because I'm a woman,

246
00:13:25,149 --> 00:13:27,059
and people don't respect me
'cause I'm a woman."

247
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:31,080
I was like, no, no, no.
Uh, not at all.

248
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:36,110
We don't respect you
'cause we can see
your asshole.

249
00:13:38,159 --> 00:13:41,149
Has nothing to do
with the fact that you're
a woman, okay?

250
00:13:41,169 --> 00:13:44,179
We respected Mary J. Blige
just fine.

251
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,039
Here's my point.

252
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:48,070
I think that women
should be able
to be sexy and glamorous,

253
00:13:48,090 --> 00:13:49,169
and feminine and professional.

254
00:13:49,190 --> 00:13:51,009
You could be
a myriad of things.

255
00:13:51,029 --> 00:13:53,029
But as you're getting
dressed for your album cover,

256
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:58,129
you also have to acknowledge
basic human nature
and neurology, okay?

257
00:13:58,149 --> 00:14:03,220
You have to acknowledge
the fact that men's brains are
basically only designed

258
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,149
to look for holes.

259
00:14:06,169 --> 00:14:09,169
It's pretty much
all they're doing
at any given moment,

260
00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:12,110
just scanning for crevices.

261
00:14:12,129 --> 00:14:17,070
They're like gophers,
just looking for holes
to get into.

262
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:21,080
Counting, like, two, four...
eight, that's a golf course.

263
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:23,070
Constantly adding them up.

264
00:14:25,029 --> 00:14:26,210
So, sometimes we have
to help you guys out.

265
00:14:26,230 --> 00:14:28,179
You get very
distracted by that, right?

266
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,149
When I look
at Nicki Minaj's ass,

267
00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:33,149
I think awful, terrible,
shameful things.

268
00:14:33,169 --> 00:14:36,139
I'll be like, "Yeah, I bet
if I hit that from behind
that shit would pop."

269
00:14:36,159 --> 00:14:38,049
I'm like,
"Oh, my God!"

270
00:14:38,070 --> 00:14:40,220
So, I can't even imagine
what you guys are thinking,
you know?

271
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,059
And here's the thing,
I'm a comedian.

272
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,200
I want you guys to listen
to what I'm saying,

273
00:14:43,220 --> 00:14:45,220
I want you to think
I'm funny, I want you
to focus.

274
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,059
So, I'm not gonna do stand-up
like this...

275
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,000
(laughter)

276
00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:54,100
(cheering)

277
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:57,039
This is not the most
effective way to do
stand-up, right?

278
00:14:57,059 --> 00:15:00,019
I'm not gonna be like,
"Hey, guys, did you see that
election coverage last night?

279
00:15:00,039 --> 00:15:02,029
"Yeah!" No.

280
00:15:02,049 --> 00:15:04,220
You can't focus because
if I'm standing like this,

281
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,019
you're either looking
at my ass,

282
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:08,149
which you're not,

283
00:15:08,169 --> 00:15:11,049
which is very insulting.

284
00:15:11,070 --> 00:15:12,220
Is that your girlfriend?

285
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,059
Right there?

286
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,100
Yes?

287
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:16,169
She-- He goes,

288
00:15:16,190 --> 00:15:20,039
"Clearly."

289
00:15:20,059 --> 00:15:22,039
Why, because you're not
allowed to look at an ass

290
00:15:22,059 --> 00:15:23,120
that's two feet
in front of your face?

291
00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:26,019
I like her. She runs
a tight ship. I respect that.

292
00:15:27,129 --> 00:15:30,080
He did not even look.

293
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:32,200
So regardless,
you're either looking
at my ass,

294
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:36,039
or worrying about my knees,
one of the two.

295
00:15:36,059 --> 00:15:38,029
So, that's not
the best position,

296
00:15:38,049 --> 00:15:40,149
and I think that that's
just a hypocritical way
to operate

297
00:15:40,169 --> 00:15:43,059
because guys can't have
their dicks out, you know?

298
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,059
Like, male rappers can't
rap with their dicks out.

299
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,049
If I saw a male rapper
with his dick out, I wouldn't
be respecting him either,

300
00:15:48,070 --> 00:15:49,220
or listening
to what he was saying.

301
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,029
If I saw a male rapper
with his dick out, I would
be calling the police,

302
00:15:53,049 --> 00:15:56,080
which is such a testament
to the nature of man.

303
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:58,190
That when a woman is naked,
you're like, "Look at
that beautiful woman,"

304
00:15:58,210 --> 00:16:04,029
and when a man is naked,
you're like, "There was
a crime.

305
00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:06,230
Something horrible
happened over there, guys."

306
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,039
It's an interesting time.
We're living in
a fascinating time.

307
00:16:12,059 --> 00:16:14,200
We're living in a time
where women have money, okay?

308
00:16:14,220 --> 00:16:16,159
Which is-- Do you realize
how new that is, right?

309
00:16:16,179 --> 00:16:18,139
That's like
30 years old, or something,

310
00:16:18,159 --> 00:16:20,090
and there's no blueprint
for how to operate,

311
00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:22,100
and I think it's really
messing up the power dynamic.

312
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,039
Like, the fact that I can
pay my own bills, that's
such a big deal for me.

313
00:16:25,059 --> 00:16:27,200
I thought that making money
was gonna solve
all my problems,

314
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,110
especially my
relationship problems.

315
00:16:29,129 --> 00:16:32,059
'Cause when I was in my 20s,
I had to date guys that
had money

316
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:33,090
'cause I didn't have any.

317
00:16:33,110 --> 00:16:34,210
But now that I make
my own money,

318
00:16:34,230 --> 00:16:40,110
I felt like it opened up
this whole new pool
of broke guys

319
00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:42,139
that I couldn't date before,

320
00:16:42,159 --> 00:16:44,129
so I've been doing that.

321
00:16:44,149 --> 00:16:47,019
They're much nicer.

322
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:50,110
And the last guy I dated,
I paid for everything.

323
00:16:50,129 --> 00:16:52,059
I paid for trips,
I paid for dinners,

324
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,019
and now that I've sort of
been the man in
the relationship,

325
00:16:55,039 --> 00:16:56,210
now that I've been
in your shoes,

326
00:16:56,230 --> 00:17:01,149
I now understand why
you guys hate us.

327
00:17:01,169 --> 00:17:06,130
It's 'cause we owe you
so much fucking money.

328
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:10,009
And something
happens psychologically

329
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,140
when you start to pay
for someone where you start
to hate them.

330
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,200
Start to hate everything
about them. You resent them.

331
00:17:14,220 --> 00:17:17,099
You start keeping score
of everything they do.

332
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,099
One day he came home.
He was drinking
a coconut water.

333
00:17:24,190 --> 00:17:29,019
It's like, "Coconut water?
What are you, the queen
of fucking England?

334
00:17:29,039 --> 00:17:33,160
"How 'bout you drink out
of the tap like a goddamn
man, how 'bout that?"

335
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:36,069
And then they nag you.
They always need something
from you, you know?

336
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:39,119
He'd be like, "Do you wanna go
to dinner?" I'm like,
"You just ate yesterday.

337
00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:44,170
Do you have a tapeworm?
What's the problem?"

338
00:17:44,190 --> 00:17:47,210
I feel like I now understand
why you guys are always so
disappointed in us, too.

339
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:50,059
'Cause something happens
when you start paying
for someone

340
00:17:50,079 --> 00:17:53,069
where you start to get
these high expectations
for their behavior.

341
00:17:53,089 --> 00:17:54,190
Like, as soon as I started
paying for him,

342
00:17:54,210 --> 00:17:59,059
I started expecting him
to like, do chores out
of nowhere.

343
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,210
Like, one night we went
to dinner, I spent $200
on dinner,

344
00:18:01,230 --> 00:18:04,180
the next morning I woke up,
I was like, "This is weird,

345
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:09,000
it's 8:00 a.m.,
and I don't smell eggs.

346
00:18:10,170 --> 00:18:13,059
Yeah, chop-chop, bitch.
Mommy's hungry."

347
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:20,089
It's tricky.

348
00:18:20,109 --> 00:18:23,140
I also started noticing
all these, like,
unspoken rules that happen

349
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,109
with the expectations
based on who pays.

350
00:18:25,130 --> 00:18:27,140
Like, the expectation if
the man pays for the woman

351
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,220
is that she's gonna
have sex with you, right?

352
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,109
But when I was
paying for the man,

353
00:18:31,130 --> 00:18:34,190
the expectation was I am not
gonna have sex with you,

354
00:18:34,210 --> 00:18:39,190
and we're gonna stay up
all night talking about
my dreams.

355
00:18:39,210 --> 00:18:43,039
We're gonna read some
horoscopes tonight, bitch.

356
00:18:45,049 --> 00:18:49,039
And then I saw, like,
all the insidious
institutionalized sexism.

357
00:18:49,059 --> 00:18:50,130
Like, every time
we would go to dinner,

358
00:18:50,150 --> 00:18:53,069
the waiter would
automatically give
him the check.

359
00:18:53,089 --> 00:18:55,039
And then he would
fucking take it,

360
00:18:55,059 --> 00:18:57,210
and then when the waiter
would leave, he would slide
it over to me.

361
00:18:57,230 --> 00:19:01,190
I was like,
"Oh, hell no!"

362
00:19:01,210 --> 00:19:03,140
If you take the check,
you're paying.

363
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,109
You better find yourself
a Groupon real fast.

364
00:19:10,039 --> 00:19:13,109
I also get now
why people stay
in relationships too long.

365
00:19:13,130 --> 00:19:16,009
Because money makes
things stickier.

366
00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:18,109
Like, I feel like I stayed
in that relationship three
months too long

367
00:19:18,130 --> 00:19:21,039
just 'cause I didn't want
to get a bad return
on my money.

368
00:19:21,059 --> 00:19:24,180
Because dating is such
a terrible investment.

369
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,190
Which made me think, like,
I can't believe we just run
around spending money

370
00:19:27,210 --> 00:19:29,230
on relationships that we don't
know is gonna work out.

371
00:19:30,009 --> 00:19:31,160
It's a terrible investment.

372
00:19:31,180 --> 00:19:34,220
I feel like there should be
some kind of insurance
in place to protect us.

373
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,220
Like, I feel like dating
should be like checking
into a hotel.

374
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,230
Okay, you and I are gonna
start dating.

375
00:19:41,009 --> 00:19:44,220
As soon as we start dating,
you have to put your credit
card down.

376
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,150
Three months later,
if you want to break up,

377
00:19:46,170 --> 00:19:49,079
I'll be like, "All right,
well, let's look at your bill.

378
00:19:50,150 --> 00:19:56,150
Yeah, you owe me $3,200
or you can't fucking leave."

379
00:19:56,170 --> 00:20:00,190
And now that I've spent
my hard-earned money on
someone that I never see,

380
00:20:00,210 --> 00:20:03,170
I can't stand that it's
just assumed that you guys
pay for everything.

381
00:20:03,190 --> 00:20:06,000
I think that is so messed up.
I'm on your guys' side
about this.

382
00:20:06,019 --> 00:20:09,210
I think it's insane that it's
just socially constructed
that you pay for everything.

383
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,109
I think that's nuts.

384
00:20:11,130 --> 00:20:13,150
I actually think if you guys
take a girl to dinner
three times

385
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:15,099
and you pay,
and then you never hear
from her again,

386
00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:17,160
I think you should be able
to call the police.

387
00:20:19,190 --> 00:20:21,119
That's some bullshit.

388
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:27,019
I am very ashamed
of how the relationship
ended, though.

389
00:20:27,039 --> 00:20:30,019
I'm embarrassed about it,
but I think it's important
to talk about.

390
00:20:30,039 --> 00:20:31,230
I think I just lost
respect for him

391
00:20:32,009 --> 00:20:34,119
because he wasn't contributing
in any way financially.

392
00:20:34,140 --> 00:20:37,069
Which is messed up because
I feel like women don't
contribute to relationships

393
00:20:37,089 --> 00:20:38,170
all the time,
and that's okay.

394
00:20:38,190 --> 00:20:41,099
But I think the problem
is human nature.

395
00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:44,099
I think for evolutionary
purposes, we are hardwired

396
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:47,220
to stop being sexually
attracted to men when they
show any kind of weakness.

397
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,119
And I know this is true
'cause one time I was dating
this guy,

398
00:20:51,140 --> 00:20:54,130
I was madly in love with him.
Like, I thought that we were
gonna get married.

399
00:20:54,150 --> 00:20:56,099
We're walking down
the street,

400
00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:59,210
and he tripped and fell.

401
00:21:03,130 --> 00:21:06,170
And I instantly fell out
of love with him.

402
00:21:06,190 --> 00:21:11,109
I just-- Like, I couldn't--
Like, I was embarrassed
to even be near him.

403
00:21:11,130 --> 00:21:14,079
Like, I was disgusted by him.

404
00:21:14,099 --> 00:21:16,069
I think my primal brain
was like,

405
00:21:16,089 --> 00:21:19,000
"No, he is not a provider.

406
00:21:19,019 --> 00:21:20,230
"He cannot protect you.

407
00:21:21,009 --> 00:21:24,069
"He's a danger to you
and the whole tribe.

408
00:21:24,089 --> 00:21:26,200
The whole species
is in trouble."

409
00:21:28,150 --> 00:21:30,059
It's cold-blooded, man.

410
00:21:30,079 --> 00:21:32,019
Cold-blooded.

411
00:21:32,039 --> 00:21:35,039
I love that women have
money now. It's so cool.

412
00:21:35,059 --> 00:21:37,049
But I feel like there's still
this residual stereotype.

413
00:21:37,069 --> 00:21:40,130
Even though women have money,
there's this stereotype that
all women are gold-diggers.

414
00:21:40,150 --> 00:21:43,000
You know, like all my guy
friends truly believe

415
00:21:43,019 --> 00:21:46,019
that women want to have sex
with them, get pregnant
with their baby,

416
00:21:46,039 --> 00:21:48,079
and just take everything
for all they're worth.

417
00:21:48,099 --> 00:21:52,009
Take them for
all their... shorts.

418
00:21:52,029 --> 00:21:55,009
I don't want your shorts.
Okay? I'm not interested.

419
00:21:55,029 --> 00:21:57,220
I know that this is true,
'cause last year I dated a guy

420
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,119
who treated me
like I was a gold-digger.

421
00:22:00,140 --> 00:22:03,119
Backstory: First of all,
he did not have a job.

422
00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:04,119
That's important.

423
00:22:04,140 --> 00:22:06,099
The second is kind of graphic,

424
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:09,039
which is that something
happened to me when
I turned 30

425
00:22:09,059 --> 00:22:11,160
where I just could not
use condoms anymore.

426
00:22:11,180 --> 00:22:13,089
I'd--
(cheering)

427
00:22:13,109 --> 00:22:16,210
Oh, okay. Well, that's
really aggressive.

428
00:22:20,079 --> 00:22:22,019
Just... troubling.

429
00:22:22,039 --> 00:22:25,190
No, I think
it's actually because
I got health insurance.

430
00:22:25,210 --> 00:22:29,059
Something happens when you
get health insurance.
It's very liberating.

431
00:22:29,079 --> 00:22:32,009
I was like, "This is
Obamacare's problem now.

432
00:22:32,029 --> 00:22:34,220
It's not my problem."

433
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,190
So, I said to him,
I was like, "Hey, I don't
have anything,

434
00:22:37,210 --> 00:22:40,049
so if you don't have
anything, let's just not
use condoms."

435
00:22:40,069 --> 00:22:42,220
And he's like, "Yeah, but
I feel like we should still
use condoms, you know,

436
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,049
like, so you don't
get pregnant."

437
00:22:44,069 --> 00:22:46,089
I was like, "Oh, no.
We're good. I'm on the pill."

438
00:22:46,109 --> 00:22:48,049
He was like,
"Yeah, but the pill,

439
00:22:48,069 --> 00:22:50,130
it's only 98% effective."

440
00:22:51,150 --> 00:22:53,019
I was like, "I'm sorry.

441
00:22:53,039 --> 00:23:00,049
"Do you think that I want
your broke-ass fucking baby?

442
00:23:00,069 --> 00:23:04,099
"You think I'm scamming
to get your shitty kid?

443
00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:06,140
"So I can take you
for all you're worth?

444
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:10,059
"What am I gonna take,
your fucking roommates?

445
00:23:10,079 --> 00:23:14,160
"The five grown-ass
men you live with
in a studio apartment?

446
00:23:16,119 --> 00:23:19,220
"I'm not a gold-digger.
I'm the one with
the gold, dummy.

447
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,119
"Okay, trust me, if I got
pregnant with your child,

448
00:23:22,140 --> 00:23:27,099
"my lawyer would come over,
and they would... terminate
that shit himself, okay?

449
00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:29,089
We're good.
We're fine."

450
00:23:30,180 --> 00:23:33,140
Ridiculous.

451
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:36,150
I don't want a white baby.
What am I gonna do
with a white baby?

452
00:23:36,170 --> 00:23:39,119
That's embarrassing.

453
00:23:39,140 --> 00:23:42,170
I'd like to think
I'm a little more
successful than that.

454
00:23:48,170 --> 00:23:51,009
Brings me to a topic
I'm very passionate about,

455
00:23:51,029 --> 00:23:53,170
which is birth control options
that are available to women.

456
00:23:53,190 --> 00:23:57,170
I can't believe that we don't
have better options for
birth control.

457
00:23:57,190 --> 00:23:59,230
They all drive me crazy.
What are you on?

458
00:24:00,009 --> 00:24:02,019
What are you taking?
It's an IUD.

459
00:24:02,039 --> 00:24:04,220
You have an IUD. Come up here,
we're gonna take it out.

460
00:24:06,220 --> 00:24:08,029
I hate this product.

461
00:24:08,049 --> 00:24:10,059
Is yours plastic or metal?

462
00:24:10,079 --> 00:24:11,220
Plastic.
Yours is plastic.

463
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:17,029
Okay, well, she's got
a McDonalds toy in her body
right now.

464
00:24:17,049 --> 00:24:19,039
Most of them are metal,
some are plastic.

465
00:24:19,059 --> 00:24:22,079
Most of them are a little
piece of metal they put
inside your uterus.

466
00:24:22,099 --> 00:24:25,009
I'm like, I don't want
metal inside my body.

467
00:24:25,029 --> 00:24:28,140
I don't wanna be going through
airport security

468
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,230
and having the guys behind
the x-ray machine like,

469
00:24:31,009 --> 00:24:34,089
"Oh, look at this slut
coming through.

470
00:24:34,109 --> 00:24:38,150
"This bitch had to put
a tin can up in there

471
00:24:38,170 --> 00:24:42,029
to stop all that sperm."

472
00:24:42,049 --> 00:24:44,119
No, I don't want
metal in my body.

473
00:24:44,140 --> 00:24:46,039
What if there's a storm?

474
00:24:49,039 --> 00:24:52,059
"Guys, I can't make it
tonight, it's raining."

475
00:24:53,150 --> 00:24:55,000
I hate this product.

476
00:24:55,019 --> 00:24:57,130
Mostly because, like,
they would never develop
that product for men.

477
00:24:57,150 --> 00:24:59,190
That would never be a product
on the market for men.

478
00:24:59,210 --> 00:25:01,069
Right? You and I would
never be dating,

479
00:25:01,089 --> 00:25:03,160
and you'd be like,
"Babe, what should we do
for birth control?"

480
00:25:03,180 --> 00:25:06,049
I'd be like,
"I have an idea.

481
00:25:06,069 --> 00:25:12,220
"How about we take a metal rod
and put it up your dick hole,

482
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,140
"and leave it there
for about five years,

483
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:20,170
or until it gets infected.
Is that a good idea?"

484
00:25:22,109 --> 00:25:23,190
I hate this product.

485
00:25:23,210 --> 00:25:25,160
And it has like,
three pages of side effects.

486
00:25:25,180 --> 00:25:29,000
I can't believe that they
release a product with
three pages of side effects.

487
00:25:29,019 --> 00:25:31,029
I'm like,
"Go back, it's not ready."

488
00:25:31,049 --> 00:25:33,089
I looked at the side effects
for the IUD.

489
00:25:33,109 --> 00:25:37,200
It was like migraines,
abdominal pain,
and depression.

490
00:25:37,220 --> 00:25:40,039
I was like, "I might as well
have a fucking kid."

491
00:25:46,099 --> 00:25:48,220
What about you?
What are you up to?

492
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:49,200
Pill.

493
00:25:49,220 --> 00:25:51,130
The pill.
Do you know which one?

494
00:25:51,150 --> 00:25:53,029
No?

495
00:25:53,049 --> 00:25:54,150
This fucking generation, man.

496
00:25:54,170 --> 00:25:57,029
They don't even--
They'll just put anything
in their mouths.

497
00:25:57,049 --> 00:26:00,049
They don't even care.
Like, "Oh, poison? Fine."

498
00:26:00,069 --> 00:26:02,099
You don't even--
Do you know what color
the box is, at least?

499
00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:03,150
It's pink.
It's pink.

500
00:26:03,170 --> 00:26:06,069
Motherfuckers.

501
00:26:06,089 --> 00:26:08,019
I hate that.
That drives me nuts.

502
00:26:08,039 --> 00:26:10,220
Like, that is so--
Everything about the pill
is insulting to me.

503
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,140
The fact they make
the box pink.
The pill is pink,

504
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:16,099
as if all women
just like, love pink.

505
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:18,089
And if the pill being pink

506
00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:20,230
affects your decision
of whether you're gonna
take it or not,

507
00:26:21,009 --> 00:26:26,160
that means you're 10 years old
and you're too young to be on
birth control anyway, okay?

508
00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:30,039
Second of all, if you want
me to remember to take my pill
every day, don't make it pink.

509
00:26:30,059 --> 00:26:33,210
Make it in the shape
of tiny crying babies.

510
00:26:40,180 --> 00:26:42,039
I can't stand the pill.

511
00:26:42,059 --> 00:26:44,079
I actually just
read this article
about how the pill works.

512
00:26:44,099 --> 00:26:48,109
Basically, the way the pill
works is it tricks your body
into thinking you're pregnant.

513
00:26:48,130 --> 00:26:52,049
Your brain starts producing
the same neurochemicals
and hormones

514
00:26:52,069 --> 00:26:54,089
as if your body
is pregnant, you know this.

515
00:26:54,109 --> 00:26:56,079
You watch Oprah. Good girl.

516
00:26:56,099 --> 00:26:59,109
And then you start being
attracted to more alpha males.

517
00:26:59,130 --> 00:27:01,109
Their pheromones start
smelling stronger,

518
00:27:01,130 --> 00:27:03,009
and you're attracted
to alpha males,

519
00:27:03,029 --> 00:27:05,130
the kind of man that could
protect your future offspring.

520
00:27:05,150 --> 00:27:07,079
The problem
is that in modern times

521
00:27:07,099 --> 00:27:10,230
alpha males are signified
by tattoos and motorcycles,

522
00:27:11,009 --> 00:27:15,130
which explains why I've been
dating such assholes since
I'm 15 years old.

523
00:27:15,150 --> 00:27:18,049
The way that it works is that
I meet a nice, sensitive guy

524
00:27:18,069 --> 00:27:19,210
I want to share
my future with.

525
00:27:19,230 --> 00:27:21,210
I start taking birth control
to plan it,

526
00:27:21,230 --> 00:27:25,130
and then all of a sudden,
I only can have an orgasm
if I smell Axe body spray.

527
00:27:25,150 --> 00:27:28,079
That's not fair.

528
00:27:28,099 --> 00:27:33,079
And it's an example of how
biology has not yet caught up
with modern technology.

529
00:27:33,099 --> 00:27:36,190
It's the 21st century,
I don't need an alpha male
to protect me.

530
00:27:36,210 --> 00:27:38,119
We have street lights, okay?

531
00:27:38,140 --> 00:27:41,059
We have alarm systems.
I don't need an alpha male.

532
00:27:41,079 --> 00:27:45,220
I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi,
so I can google "Can I take
Xanax while pregnant?"

533
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:49,130
That's my baby's father.

534
00:27:49,150 --> 00:27:53,000
Okay? I don't need a big,
strong man to fight off
a tiger.

535
00:27:53,019 --> 00:27:56,109
I need a geek who can get
my naked photos off the cloud.

536
00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:02,089
I hate the pill.

537
00:28:02,109 --> 00:28:04,230
Everything about the packaging
of the pill is so insulting.

538
00:28:05,009 --> 00:28:09,049
Like, even the fact that it's
the only medication that comes
with a calendar.

539
00:28:09,069 --> 00:28:12,180
Like we're too stupid
to remember to take our
pill every day.

540
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:16,059
The guys that developed it
are like, "They can't handle
taking their pill every day,

541
00:28:16,079 --> 00:28:19,210
"so let's make it look like
a tiny advent calendar,

542
00:28:19,230 --> 00:28:22,160
"and we'll trick them into
taking it. They'll be like,

543
00:28:22,180 --> 00:28:26,059
"'Ooh, chocolate?
Gobble, gobble, gobble.'"

544
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,220
I feel like the calendar's
actually for you guys.

545
00:28:31,009 --> 00:28:34,119
'Cause I know you guys like,
go and look at our pill
at 2:00 in the morning,

546
00:28:34,140 --> 00:28:38,190
and you're like,
"Oh, Wednesday's empty,
thank God."

547
00:28:38,210 --> 00:28:43,099
They put so much effort into
trying to make sure we don't
forget to take our pill.

548
00:28:43,119 --> 00:28:44,230
Like, they make a patch.

549
00:28:45,009 --> 00:28:46,089
Have you heard of
the birth control patch?

550
00:28:46,109 --> 00:28:48,210
It's like a sticker
you put on your shoulder

551
00:28:48,230 --> 00:28:51,069
that administers
the medication for you.

552
00:28:51,089 --> 00:28:53,079
It's like, can you imagine
getting a girl naked

553
00:28:53,099 --> 00:28:56,160
and seeing a giant patch?

554
00:28:56,180 --> 00:29:00,109
Like, "Ooh, she's slutty
and she has a bad memory.

555
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:05,210
That's wifey material.
Put a ring on that shit."

556
00:29:09,039 --> 00:29:12,029
So, I told my doctor
I didn't want to use
birth control pills anymore,

557
00:29:12,049 --> 00:29:14,210
and she was like,
"Oh, well, you should use
the morning after pill.

558
00:29:14,230 --> 00:29:17,109
You know,
the plan B pill is now
available over-the-counter."

559
00:29:17,130 --> 00:29:20,059
I'm just like,
"How lazy can you be?"

560
00:29:20,079 --> 00:29:23,019
The guy's like,
"Do you have a condom?"
I'm like, "Ugh.

561
00:29:23,039 --> 00:29:25,230
Let's just deal
with it in the morning."

562
00:29:29,230 --> 00:29:32,069
Which, by the way,
we're not gonna deal
with it in the morning.

563
00:29:32,089 --> 00:29:33,210
I'm the one that has
to deal with it.

564
00:29:33,230 --> 00:29:36,180
I'm the one who has
to wake up at 6:00 a.m.
and go stand in line.

565
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:40,180
And you realize the morning
after pill is $49?

566
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:43,190
I have never had sex
with a guy and the next
morning been like,

567
00:29:43,210 --> 00:29:46,230
"Yeah, that was
worth 50 bucks."

568
00:29:51,049 --> 00:29:55,069
And it's not just 50 bucks
'cause you can't just buy
a morning after pill alone

569
00:29:55,089 --> 00:29:57,220
or the cashier's gonna
think you're a slut.

570
00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:03,210
So, you gotta buy a bunch
of other products to put
on top of it to hide it.

571
00:30:03,230 --> 00:30:06,170
You know? You gotta crowd it
with like, Q-tips and floss,

572
00:30:06,190 --> 00:30:09,160
and a bunch of other shit
you're never gonna use.

573
00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:13,180
What else is there?
Am I missing anything?

574
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,200
NuvaRing? That's not still
happening, is it?

575
00:30:15,220 --> 00:30:17,190
NuvaRing? What are you doing?

576
00:30:17,210 --> 00:30:19,210
The pill.
What kind? Do you know?

577
00:30:19,230 --> 00:30:21,119
You're on Ortho Tri-Cyclen?

578
00:30:21,140 --> 00:30:25,170
That's some '90s shit.
I was taking that in the '90s!

579
00:30:25,190 --> 00:30:28,039
Bitch, you are loyal.
I like that.

580
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,190
Are you still on AOL?

581
00:30:35,099 --> 00:30:40,009
Jamming out with a Walkman,
she's like, "Unh!"
with her CD, "Mmm."

582
00:30:44,190 --> 00:30:47,019
NuvaRing. No NuvaRing?
Woman: Yes!

583
00:30:47,039 --> 00:30:49,160
Yes, okay. Let's--
Do you have it in right now?

584
00:30:51,009 --> 00:30:52,119
Yes?
Yes!

585
00:30:52,140 --> 00:30:55,200
Yeah, okay. Good to know.
I just wanted to get
a visual, thank you.

586
00:30:55,220 --> 00:30:58,009
I gotta have some fun
up here, too, guys.

587
00:30:58,029 --> 00:31:00,170
I just-- To me, the NuvaRing,
that is just proof

588
00:31:00,190 --> 00:31:03,059
that doctors get stoned
out of their minds

589
00:31:03,079 --> 00:31:06,049
and just start brainstorming
ideas for women's
birth control.

590
00:31:06,069 --> 00:31:08,150
They're like,
"Oh my God, oh my God,
I have an idea.

591
00:31:08,170 --> 00:31:12,019
"What if we took
a piece of tupperware

592
00:31:12,039 --> 00:31:15,029
"and made it in the shape
of our dicks

593
00:31:15,049 --> 00:31:18,140
"so when we're having sex
we can, like, play
basketball with our dicks?"

594
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,180
They'll be like,
"Yeah, two points!
Two points! Two points!"

595
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:25,000
The only logical
explanation for that.

596
00:31:28,230 --> 00:31:30,140
I know a lot about
birth control right now

597
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,140
because I recently had to do
something kind of cool.

598
00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:36,109
I have an announcement
to make. Do you guys
want to hear it?

599
00:31:36,130 --> 00:31:38,000
Audience: Yeah!

600
00:31:38,019 --> 00:31:40,220
Last month I froze my eggs.

601
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,049
(cheers)

602
00:31:43,069 --> 00:31:45,019
I always love
this reaction from people.

603
00:31:45,039 --> 00:31:48,099
'Cause the women always clap
and the guys just panic.

604
00:31:48,119 --> 00:31:51,130
Like, they just--
They think they're
in trouble or something.

605
00:31:51,150 --> 00:31:54,180
Which is so weird to me
because I thought guys would
love that I froze my eggs.

606
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:56,190
I thought I would be, like,
the sexy, awesome girl

607
00:31:56,210 --> 00:31:58,130
who doesn't want
to get pregnant right now.

608
00:31:58,150 --> 00:32:00,069
But no, it's not hot.

609
00:32:00,089 --> 00:32:02,039
It's not an aphrodisiac.
Guys aren't into it.

610
00:32:02,059 --> 00:32:04,200
You can't be hooking up
with a guy and he's like,
"Hey, do you have a condom?"

611
00:32:04,220 --> 00:32:09,039
I'm like, "Don't worry,
boo, my shit's on ice
down by the airport."

612
00:32:12,180 --> 00:32:14,059
Guy's aren't into it.

613
00:32:14,079 --> 00:32:16,089
Maybe it's 'cause you guys
don't know what it is?
That's what I think.

614
00:32:16,109 --> 00:32:17,109
Do you know what it is?

615
00:32:17,130 --> 00:32:18,119
No idea.

616
00:32:18,140 --> 00:32:22,089
Just based on the words
egg freezing?

617
00:32:23,170 --> 00:32:26,109
Just freeze 'em?
Just freeze 'em?

618
00:32:26,130 --> 00:32:30,009
Just-- That's--
What's that move?

619
00:32:30,029 --> 00:32:31,170
Just freeze 'em.

620
00:32:31,190 --> 00:32:33,210
You mean, like--
They're not in my freezer.

621
00:32:33,230 --> 00:32:37,009
It's not like
a freezer drawer.

622
00:32:37,029 --> 00:32:40,089
Just put 'em in the fridge.

623
00:32:40,109 --> 00:32:42,170
Just-- You know
what this guy is?

624
00:32:42,190 --> 00:32:44,099
Just based on your
response to that,

625
00:32:44,119 --> 00:32:47,140
you seem like you're,
like, "literal guy," you know?

626
00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:49,039
Like, everyone's
dated literal guy.

627
00:32:49,059 --> 00:32:52,180
The guy who in an argument
just sticks to the facts.

628
00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:56,009
You're the guy who's like,
"No, I didn't say you
were a bitch,

629
00:32:56,029 --> 00:32:58,119
I said you were
being a bitch."

630
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:04,029
And then you're like,
"Shit, I gotta regroup.
Hold on."

631
00:33:04,049 --> 00:33:06,089
What about you?
Do you know what it is,
egg freezing?

632
00:33:06,109 --> 00:33:08,130
Yes, you do? What?

633
00:33:08,150 --> 00:33:09,220
Cryopreserve your eggs.

634
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,160
Whoa, good!
You cryopreserve your eggs.

635
00:33:12,180 --> 00:33:16,230
That was good.
You've been watching
some weird porn, obviously.

636
00:33:17,009 --> 00:33:20,089
Yeah, so basically, I just
realized that most guys
don't know what it is.

637
00:33:20,109 --> 00:33:23,009
I found this out
because the week
that I froze them,

638
00:33:23,029 --> 00:33:25,000
I had to be on
bed rest for a couple days,

639
00:33:25,019 --> 00:33:26,130
and I had to cancel a gig.

640
00:33:26,150 --> 00:33:29,000
So, I told my agent
can you tell the manager
I need to reschedule it.

641
00:33:29,019 --> 00:33:31,140
I go to the reschedule date,
the manager runs up to me,

642
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:36,200
he's like,
"Are you okay? I heard
your ovaries were removed!"

643
00:33:36,220 --> 00:33:39,099
I was like, "Okay,
let's just talk about this."

644
00:33:39,119 --> 00:33:41,000
So, essentially,
you freeze your eggs

645
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:43,049
if you want to get
pregnant at some point,
but just not right now.

646
00:33:43,069 --> 00:33:45,170
Like, I'm not ready.
I would like to have
a kid at some point,

647
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:47,190
but I'm not
responsible enough yet.

648
00:33:47,210 --> 00:33:50,170
I still leave coffee
on the top of my car
like twice a day.

649
00:33:50,190 --> 00:33:54,029
I should not
be a mother right now.

650
00:33:54,049 --> 00:33:56,170
And biology is again
completely backwards.

651
00:33:56,190 --> 00:34:01,049
Like, it's ridiculous to me
that a 15-year-old girl
can get pregnant easily,

652
00:34:01,069 --> 00:34:03,029
but a 45-year-old woman can't.

653
00:34:03,049 --> 00:34:06,069
Like, I have never met
a 15-year-old girl
and been like,

654
00:34:06,089 --> 00:34:09,030
"You would make
a great mom.

655
00:34:09,050 --> 00:34:11,019
"Love your Instagram selfies.

656
00:34:11,039 --> 00:34:15,110
I think you're ready
to be responsible
for a human life."

657
00:34:15,130 --> 00:34:18,190
No. And all
my girlfriends in their 40s
are fucking awesome.

658
00:34:18,210 --> 00:34:20,150
They're all like superheroes,
they can do anything.

659
00:34:20,170 --> 00:34:22,090
I have a girlfriend
the other day had a splinter,

660
00:34:22,110 --> 00:34:24,130
she ripped it out
with her teeth...

661
00:34:24,150 --> 00:34:26,119
like it was nothing.

662
00:34:26,139 --> 00:34:30,119
I have a girlfriend,
she's 45, she can
return things at a store

663
00:34:30,139 --> 00:34:32,050
without a receipt.

664
00:34:35,230 --> 00:34:40,030
That's like some
Jason Bourne shit right there.

665
00:34:41,190 --> 00:34:43,079
I'm really glad
that I did it.

666
00:34:43,099 --> 00:34:46,090
I feel like it took off
all this pressure
that I had on me, you know?

667
00:34:46,110 --> 00:34:48,019
Like, I realized
before I froze my eggs,

668
00:34:48,039 --> 00:34:50,050
there was just this
constant inner monologue

669
00:34:50,070 --> 00:34:52,000
that was like, "Is this
the guy you're gonna be with?

670
00:34:52,019 --> 00:34:53,179
If not, you have to move on
to someone else."

671
00:34:53,199 --> 00:34:56,110
And I felt like I had
to accomplish all my
professional goals

672
00:34:56,130 --> 00:34:57,230
by the time I was, like, 35.

673
00:34:58,010 --> 00:35:00,050
And it was just in
the back of my mind
all the time.

674
00:35:00,070 --> 00:35:02,150
Like, I'd be in traffic,
and I'd be like,
"You guys, let's go!

675
00:35:02,170 --> 00:35:04,139
"I'm rotting
from the inside!

676
00:35:04,159 --> 00:35:06,119
"We gotta move, okay?

677
00:35:06,139 --> 00:35:10,070
Uterus is molding,
let's move!"

678
00:35:13,070 --> 00:35:15,179
I feel like
you guys will never
understand that pressure

679
00:35:15,199 --> 00:35:17,130
because you guys
don't have that clock.

680
00:35:17,150 --> 00:35:19,030
Guys can have kids
as late as they want.

681
00:35:19,050 --> 00:35:21,130
Clint Eastwood had a kid
at like, 70 years old.

682
00:35:21,150 --> 00:35:23,219
Robert De Niro had one
at like, 68,

683
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:25,090
which is so weird to me.

684
00:35:25,110 --> 00:35:27,179
The idea of having a kid
at 68 years old.

685
00:35:27,199 --> 00:35:32,050
That's like being like,
"I really want a kid,
but only for, like, 10 years.

686
00:35:34,110 --> 00:35:37,190
"And I want to be deaf
for most of it. That's..."

687
00:35:41,010 --> 00:35:43,050
I'm so glad I did it.
It took all this pressure off.

688
00:35:43,070 --> 00:35:46,150
Like, I used
to be this stress case,
now I'm just chilling, man.

689
00:35:46,170 --> 00:35:47,230
So easy.

690
00:35:48,010 --> 00:35:50,010
Like, my agent
calls me up, he's like,
"Where's that script?"

691
00:35:50,030 --> 00:35:52,159
I'm like, "I don't
know, I'm high as fuck.

692
00:35:54,090 --> 00:35:57,150
"Call Sarah Silverman
or some shit, man.

693
00:35:57,170 --> 00:36:01,230
'Cause I'm watching
'Game of Thrones'
again today."

694
00:36:02,010 --> 00:36:04,019
Hey, camera.

695
00:36:07,159 --> 00:36:09,039
I-- Thank you.

696
00:36:11,119 --> 00:36:13,019
You freeze your eggs
for a couple of reasons.

697
00:36:13,039 --> 00:36:14,199
If you want
to postpone having kids,

698
00:36:14,219 --> 00:36:16,179
also if you want to get
a surrogate at some point,

699
00:36:16,199 --> 00:36:19,030
which I'm kind of obsessed
with the idea of getting
a surrogate.

700
00:36:19,050 --> 00:36:21,090
It's like you hire a woman
to carry your kid for you,

701
00:36:21,110 --> 00:36:23,030
which I really
want to do at some point.

702
00:36:23,050 --> 00:36:24,230
But I feel kind of
guilty about that idea

703
00:36:25,010 --> 00:36:26,190
because when you
get a surrogate,

704
00:36:26,210 --> 00:36:30,199
you're essentially, like,
asking another woman to do
your dirty work for you.

705
00:36:30,219 --> 00:36:32,170
It's like, worse
than a guy getting a hooker.

706
00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:35,130
'Cause when you get a hooker,
you guys just want to use
a woman's body for an hour.

707
00:36:35,150 --> 00:36:37,099
I want to use it
for nine months,

708
00:36:37,119 --> 00:36:38,179
and totally wreck it.

709
00:36:38,199 --> 00:36:41,199
I'm literally gonna
destroy that shit.

710
00:36:48,059 --> 00:36:49,199
Not nice.

711
00:36:49,219 --> 00:36:55,210
I just feel like I would
like my kid so much more
if I didn't carry my kid.

712
00:36:55,230 --> 00:36:57,210
Does that make sense?

713
00:36:57,230 --> 00:37:01,000
Like, I totally support
those toddler and tiara moms.

714
00:37:01,019 --> 00:37:02,150
I think those
kids should work.

715
00:37:02,170 --> 00:37:04,219
I think they should
have to tap dance
to pay for all the damage

716
00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:07,230
they did to those poor women.

717
00:37:08,010 --> 00:37:10,190
Although I feel
like if you have
a surrogate have your kid

718
00:37:10,210 --> 00:37:12,179
you can't control
the kid as well. You know?

719
00:37:12,199 --> 00:37:15,070
Like, the way my mom used
to guilt me into doing things

720
00:37:15,090 --> 00:37:18,130
was she'd be like,
"I carried you
for nine months."

721
00:37:18,150 --> 00:37:20,059
I'd be like, "Oh...

722
00:37:20,079 --> 00:37:22,039
That's a good point."

723
00:37:22,059 --> 00:37:24,090
But if, like,
I had a surrogate,
what am I gonna say?

724
00:37:24,110 --> 00:37:29,210
I'm gonna be like,
"I had to drive 10 minutes
to pick you up.

725
00:37:29,230 --> 00:37:32,070
Traffic was a nightmare."

726
00:37:35,039 --> 00:37:37,179
Yeah, it's not as good.

727
00:37:37,199 --> 00:37:41,170
When you freeze your eggs,
the doctor asks you if you
want to get a donor,

728
00:37:41,190 --> 00:37:42,210
like a sperm donor.

729
00:37:42,230 --> 00:37:44,210
Because if you want
to freeze embryos, you know?

730
00:37:44,230 --> 00:37:48,199
Like, basically it's if you
freeze an embryo, that means
a sperm fertilizes the egg,

731
00:37:48,219 --> 00:37:53,219
and I was like, "I don't
have any sperm available
in my house at the moment."

732
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,019
So, he's like, "Maybe you
should get a donor." And I
wasn't really ready for that,

733
00:37:57,039 --> 00:38:00,210
but I got super obsessed
with the kind of person who
would become a sperm donor.

734
00:38:00,230 --> 00:38:02,230
So, I went online
and I was, like,
on the donor site.

735
00:38:03,010 --> 00:38:05,199
You'd think that sperm donors
were complete losers.
Not true.

736
00:38:05,219 --> 00:38:09,150
In order to be a sperm donor,
you have to be at least 5'8."

737
00:38:09,170 --> 00:38:15,130
I was like, I'm sorry,
what shallow bitch
was 45 years old,

738
00:38:15,150 --> 00:38:17,090
not married, no options,

739
00:38:17,110 --> 00:38:19,010
goes into the sperm bank,
is like,

740
00:38:19,030 --> 00:38:21,050
"Oh, 5'7"? Never mind.

741
00:38:21,070 --> 00:38:26,030
"I'm gonna get on Farmers Only
and take my chances.

742
00:38:26,050 --> 00:38:28,230
Fuck that weirdo midget."

743
00:38:31,219 --> 00:38:33,119
And in order
to be a sperm donor,

744
00:38:33,139 --> 00:38:36,079
you have to have at least
four years of college.

745
00:38:36,099 --> 00:38:39,079
I was like, I don't want
my sperm donor to have
four years of college.

746
00:38:39,099 --> 00:38:41,030
'Cause if you have
four years of college

747
00:38:41,050 --> 00:38:44,179
and you're jerking off
into a cup for $100,

748
00:38:44,199 --> 00:38:47,119
you're a drug addict.

749
00:38:47,139 --> 00:38:50,010
And if you don't have
four years of college

750
00:38:50,030 --> 00:38:52,090
and you're jerking off
into a cup for $100,

751
00:38:52,110 --> 00:38:56,039
you're an entrepreneur
and I like your hustle.

752
00:38:56,059 --> 00:38:59,090
You can be
my baby daddy any day.

753
00:38:59,110 --> 00:39:01,219
Man: I will!
You will?

754
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:03,010
I'm good.

755
00:39:06,079 --> 00:39:07,079
Pass.

756
00:39:10,139 --> 00:39:11,219
Got me into some trouble.

757
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:13,090
I got cheated on.

758
00:39:13,110 --> 00:39:15,119
Has anyone been cheated on?

759
00:39:15,139 --> 00:39:17,130
Okay, well,
you've all been cheated on,

760
00:39:17,150 --> 00:39:19,090
just so you know.

761
00:39:19,110 --> 00:39:22,050
Sorry you have
to find out like this.

762
00:39:27,030 --> 00:39:28,179
I fond out in
the stupidest way.

763
00:39:28,199 --> 00:39:32,059
We were at a movie theater
and I dropped my phone
in between the seats.

764
00:39:32,079 --> 00:39:35,099
So, I asked him
if I could use his phone
to call my phone.

765
00:39:35,119 --> 00:39:38,170
I'm holding his phone
for maybe eight minutes.

766
00:39:38,190 --> 00:39:43,210
He gets three different
text messages from a girl
he had programmed in his phone

767
00:39:43,230 --> 00:39:47,030
as "Sandylicious."

768
00:39:47,050 --> 00:39:51,070
Think about this.
Really think about
how hot a girl has to be

769
00:39:51,090 --> 00:39:56,210
for a guy to take the time
to program in that long
of a fucking name.

770
00:39:56,230 --> 00:40:02,139
He was like, "S-A-N-D-
Y-L-I-C-I--"

771
00:40:02,159 --> 00:40:05,000
And you know that shit
autocorrected like six times,

772
00:40:05,019 --> 00:40:07,059
so he had to go
back to the beginning.

773
00:40:07,079 --> 00:40:10,030
"S-A-N-D, shit.

774
00:40:10,050 --> 00:40:13,010
"S-A-- Still worth it--

775
00:40:13,030 --> 00:40:15,219
D-I-L-I..."

776
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:17,190
So, I had to confront
him about it. I was like,

777
00:40:17,210 --> 00:40:21,070
"Hey, why is some girl
named Sandylicious texting
you at midnight on a Friday?"

778
00:40:21,090 --> 00:40:24,019
And he goes,
"Oh, she's my friend."

779
00:40:24,039 --> 00:40:26,039
Why don't you just
punch me in the tit?

780
00:40:26,059 --> 00:40:30,070
It would be less
insulting to my intelligence.

781
00:40:30,090 --> 00:40:34,050
Like, I'm just curious,
has that ever worked
in the history of time?

782
00:40:34,070 --> 00:40:36,139
Has any girl ever
been jealously freaking out

783
00:40:36,159 --> 00:40:39,019
and the guy was like,
"Oh, she's my friend,"
and the girl was like,

784
00:40:39,039 --> 00:40:42,110
"Oh my God, I am so sorry!

785
00:40:42,130 --> 00:40:45,000
"I was totally overreacting.

786
00:40:45,019 --> 00:40:49,070
"Go back to texting
your bro, Sandylicious."

787
00:40:49,090 --> 00:40:51,019
No! I have a lot
of guy friends in my phone,

788
00:40:51,039 --> 00:40:54,119
none of them are programmed in
under "Joey smooth dick."

789
00:40:54,139 --> 00:40:56,190
That's not my friend.

790
00:40:56,210 --> 00:40:58,199
We're not friends.

791
00:41:01,130 --> 00:41:03,010
I feel like
you guys don't know this.

792
00:41:03,030 --> 00:41:05,070
It's also
so obvious when you're
getting lied to by a guy

793
00:41:05,090 --> 00:41:07,210
'cause you guys all lie
the same exact way.

794
00:41:07,230 --> 00:41:12,059
You guys need to have
a meeting, or start
a chatroom or something.

795
00:41:12,079 --> 00:41:14,179
Because you know you're
getting lied to by a guy

796
00:41:14,199 --> 00:41:20,079
because he will repeat
the question you ask him
in the answer

797
00:41:20,099 --> 00:41:23,070
to buy time
to make up the lie.

798
00:41:23,090 --> 00:41:25,219
So, I'll be like,
"Hey, where were you
till 3:00 in the morning?"

799
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:32,030
"Where was I? Until 3:00?

800
00:41:32,050 --> 00:41:35,059
"In the morning?"

801
00:41:35,079 --> 00:41:39,159
It's like, can you just make
up your lie in the car
like an adult, please?

802
00:41:39,179 --> 00:41:41,210
Can I at least
get that respect?

803
00:41:41,230 --> 00:41:43,190
And you know you're getting
lied to when a guy goes,

804
00:41:43,210 --> 00:41:47,010
"Ugh, well--
Well, what do you
want me to say right now?"

805
00:41:49,159 --> 00:41:53,010
You want me
to make up your lie?

806
00:41:53,030 --> 00:41:55,059
How lazy can you be?

807
00:41:55,079 --> 00:41:57,110
And then you know you're
getting cheated on when
a guy goes,

808
00:41:57,130 --> 00:42:01,019
"Well, what's
your definition of cheating?"

809
00:42:01,039 --> 00:42:04,110
I'm like, "Uh, if you had fun
without me, you cheated.

810
00:42:04,130 --> 00:42:06,079
It's very simple."

811
00:42:09,059 --> 00:42:12,230
Another announcement
to make, which is...

812
00:42:13,010 --> 00:42:15,230
being cheated on now
is extra hard for me

813
00:42:16,010 --> 00:42:19,030
because when I was in my 20s,
no one ever admits this,

814
00:42:19,050 --> 00:42:21,050
but when I was in my 20s,
I cheated.

815
00:42:21,070 --> 00:42:23,110
Now's your time, girl.
Live it up.

816
00:42:25,030 --> 00:42:27,150
I was-- I cheated in my 20s
because I was an idiot.

817
00:42:27,170 --> 00:42:29,110
I was insecure
and I was worried

818
00:42:29,130 --> 00:42:31,210
the guy I was with was gonna
leave me for someone else.

819
00:42:31,230 --> 00:42:35,159
Who cares the reason.
The point is getting cheated
on now is even worse

820
00:42:35,179 --> 00:42:39,019
because I know
what you're doing
because I've done it,

821
00:42:39,039 --> 00:42:40,090
and you're gross.

822
00:42:40,110 --> 00:42:43,170
I used to do the shadiest
things when I used to cheat.

823
00:42:43,190 --> 00:42:47,059
I used to program guys' names
in my phone as other things

824
00:42:47,079 --> 00:42:49,219
so the guy I was dating
didn't know what was
going on, you know?

825
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:55,099
And then he's be like, "Hey,
why is Bank of America calling
you at 2:00 in the morning?"

826
00:43:02,039 --> 00:43:05,139
"That is weird.

827
00:43:05,159 --> 00:43:08,170
"You know,
they've really stepped up
their customer service.

828
00:43:08,190 --> 00:43:11,099
"They really wanna
make sure my check clears.

829
00:43:11,119 --> 00:43:14,099
I am gonna
thank them in the morning."

830
00:43:14,119 --> 00:43:19,210
He's like, "All right, well,
why did Rite Aid just text you
a photo of a dick?"

831
00:43:21,219 --> 00:43:24,030
"Bizarre!

832
00:43:24,050 --> 00:43:25,199
"That's disgusting.

833
00:43:25,219 --> 00:43:29,039
We are switching
to Walgreens tomorrow!"

834
00:43:31,159 --> 00:43:35,150
I don't know if,
in general, as a society
we're getting grosser,

835
00:43:35,170 --> 00:43:38,110
or if the Internet's just
bringing it to the surface,

836
00:43:38,130 --> 00:43:41,230
but I just think, in general,
there's a movement
towards perversion

837
00:43:42,010 --> 00:43:43,110
that feels new to me.

838
00:43:43,130 --> 00:43:47,150
The first thing that
made me think this was
a couple months ago,

839
00:43:47,170 --> 00:43:49,000
I went on a date
with a guy,

840
00:43:49,019 --> 00:43:50,099
then we went
on a second date.

841
00:43:50,119 --> 00:43:54,210
On the second date,
he asked me if I could squirt.

842
00:43:58,119 --> 00:44:00,139
Let's talk about it.

843
00:44:03,019 --> 00:44:06,050
Look, first of all,
I do not squirt.

844
00:44:06,070 --> 00:44:11,110
Just so you know,
I am not a squirter.
I am not squirting.

845
00:44:11,130 --> 00:44:14,000
I am not
a squirting lady.

846
00:44:14,019 --> 00:44:18,179
I don't know
if I'm just dehydrated?

847
00:44:18,199 --> 00:44:21,079
If I need
more Gatorade in my life?

848
00:44:21,099 --> 00:44:23,070
I'm not squirting, okay?

849
00:44:23,090 --> 00:44:26,000
I mean, if you want,
I will compromise,

850
00:44:26,019 --> 00:44:28,230
and I will pee on you.

851
00:44:29,010 --> 00:44:31,159
I'd rather not,
but if that's your thing,

852
00:44:31,179 --> 00:44:35,070
I'm sure I could
fashion some pee.

853
00:44:35,090 --> 00:44:39,000
I'm gonna have to
turn on the faucet.
I'm not into it.

854
00:44:39,019 --> 00:44:40,130
Here's the--
This is new.

855
00:44:40,150 --> 00:44:43,030
This is a new thing.
Five years ago, I never
heard about squirting.

856
00:44:43,050 --> 00:44:44,230
Okay? Five years ago,
I feel like

857
00:44:45,010 --> 00:44:47,230
Ithe gross, taboo thing
everyone wanted
their girl to do was anal.

858
00:44:48,010 --> 00:44:49,070
It was all about anal, right?

859
00:44:49,090 --> 00:44:52,170
Now anal's just like--
You just have to do that now.

860
00:44:52,190 --> 00:44:55,039
It's not even
weird anymore.

861
00:44:55,059 --> 00:44:57,010
It's just, like, on the menu.

862
00:44:57,030 --> 00:45:00,150
It's not just
for birthdays anymore.
It's happening.

863
00:45:02,139 --> 00:45:05,219
Which, I do not think
that's okay. I think we need
to make it weird again.

864
00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:08,010
I think we need
to make it taboo again.

865
00:45:08,030 --> 00:45:10,070
This is how I know
anal sex has gone mainstream.

866
00:45:10,090 --> 00:45:13,059
I have a girlfriend,
she has a daughter
who is 16 years old.

867
00:45:13,079 --> 00:45:14,230
She goes to
a Catholic school,

868
00:45:15,010 --> 00:45:18,099
and she said her girlfriends
in the Catholic school
at 16 years old

869
00:45:18,119 --> 00:45:21,230
are now having anal sex
instead of regular sex

870
00:45:22,010 --> 00:45:24,130
so that they don't technically
lose their virginity.

871
00:45:24,150 --> 00:45:26,019
Right? Have you heard of that?

872
00:45:26,039 --> 00:45:31,019
My thing is if you're having
anal sex at 16 years old

873
00:45:31,039 --> 00:45:33,059
to stay right with God,

874
00:45:33,079 --> 00:45:36,059
I have news for you.

875
00:45:36,079 --> 00:45:38,019
There is no God.

876
00:45:38,039 --> 00:45:42,139
Get a new religion, 'cause
your God fucking hates you.

877
00:45:42,159 --> 00:45:46,179
No. No. Stay away
from my butt. I have a house.

878
00:45:48,099 --> 00:45:49,199
No.

879
00:45:49,219 --> 00:45:52,139
I have worked too hard.

880
00:45:52,159 --> 00:45:54,190
That's my point. You guys
are getting ungrateful.

881
00:45:54,210 --> 00:45:56,139
You guys have
lost sight of the fact

882
00:45:56,159 --> 00:46:00,000
that our bodies were
perfectly designed to have
sex with you, anatomically.

883
00:46:00,019 --> 00:46:03,190
Whatever you believe in.
Say, it's evolution or God.
Say you believe in God.

884
00:46:03,210 --> 00:46:08,110
God perfectly
designed the female body
to have sex with you.

885
00:46:08,130 --> 00:46:11,170
Right? Vagina here.
Perfect placement.

886
00:46:11,190 --> 00:46:15,059
Boobs here if you want
a little...

887
00:46:15,079 --> 00:46:16,219
Perfect.

888
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:20,010
The head moves back
and forth in case you don't
want to look at her face.

889
00:46:21,230 --> 00:46:24,139
God thought of everything.

890
00:46:24,159 --> 00:46:27,010
And then God was putting
the female body together
and was like,

891
00:46:27,030 --> 00:46:30,139
"Ugh, there's
this other hole.

892
00:46:30,159 --> 00:46:33,019
"It's a terrible hole.

893
00:46:33,039 --> 00:46:35,119
"Horrible things
come out of it.

894
00:46:35,139 --> 00:46:37,079
"It's awful.

895
00:46:37,099 --> 00:46:43,119
We can't put it in the front
or else men would never
have sex with women."

896
00:46:43,139 --> 00:46:46,090
God's like,
"You know what I'm gonna do?

897
00:46:46,110 --> 00:46:49,090
"I'm gonna hide it.

898
00:46:49,110 --> 00:46:52,090
"I'm gonna put it in the back

899
00:46:52,110 --> 00:46:56,119
"in, like, a ravine.

900
00:46:59,079 --> 00:47:04,000
"I'm gonna put big pieces
of fat on either side of it.

901
00:47:04,019 --> 00:47:08,000
"He'll never even know
it's there. She can walk away
naked, he'll never see it.

902
00:47:08,019 --> 00:47:11,070
"It's genius. Genius!

903
00:47:11,090 --> 00:47:13,230
"The female body is complete."

904
00:47:17,170 --> 00:47:22,019
Cut to God looking down now.
A guy's like, "Eh, eh, ehh..."

905
00:47:22,039 --> 00:47:25,199
God's like,
"Oh, my God!

906
00:47:25,219 --> 00:47:28,139
"How did they even find it?

907
00:47:28,159 --> 00:47:31,179
"I hid that thing pretty well.

908
00:47:31,199 --> 00:47:34,079
They're animals!"

909
00:47:34,099 --> 00:47:37,099
No. Uh-uh.
Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh.

910
00:47:37,119 --> 00:47:39,099
No. Not squirting. Nope.

911
00:47:39,119 --> 00:47:42,170
We're starting
a movement here tonight.
Hashtag no squirting.

912
00:47:42,190 --> 00:47:45,010
Get it going.

913
00:47:45,030 --> 00:47:48,000
No. You know why? It's--
You guys are pushing it now.

914
00:47:48,019 --> 00:47:50,039
You're ungrateful,
you're spoiled,
and you're pushing it.

915
00:47:50,059 --> 00:47:53,050
Like, do our bodies not
do enough amazing things?

916
00:47:53,070 --> 00:47:54,210
Enough miraculous things?

917
00:47:54,230 --> 00:47:59,010
We can make a life.
We can get pregnant.
We can breastfeed our babies.

918
00:47:59,030 --> 00:48:02,199
We can give you orgasms.
Now you want us
to put out fires?

919
00:48:02,219 --> 00:48:04,190
It's too much.

920
00:48:04,210 --> 00:48:07,059
That's too much.

921
00:48:07,079 --> 00:48:09,050
And I'm a pretty
slutty person.

922
00:48:09,070 --> 00:48:12,070
The fact that there's
something I won't do,
that's bad.

923
00:48:12,090 --> 00:48:15,090
That is off the grid, okay?

924
00:48:15,110 --> 00:48:18,139
I'll do anything.
I will literally do anything
'cause I'm fun.

925
00:48:18,159 --> 00:48:20,130
I am fun.

926
00:48:20,150 --> 00:48:22,219
I'll do anything.
What do you want?
Spank me? Great.

927
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,059
Go for it.
I will try not to laugh,

928
00:48:25,079 --> 00:48:26,179
but go for it.

929
00:48:26,199 --> 00:48:29,159
Choking, that's
the new thing. Everyone's
gotta get choked now?

930
00:48:29,179 --> 00:48:31,079
Choke me. Great. Choke me.

931
00:48:31,099 --> 00:48:34,090
I'll even throw in
a little "Ehh..."

932
00:48:38,099 --> 00:48:41,199
I'm fun! I'm fun.

933
00:48:41,219 --> 00:48:43,210
But you're pushing
it now, okay?

934
00:48:43,230 --> 00:48:46,119
I'm not squirting.
Who has time for that?

935
00:48:46,139 --> 00:48:49,179
Okay? I'm not gonna
clean up squirt. No.

936
00:48:49,199 --> 00:48:52,130
I have a job.
I don't have time for that.

937
00:48:52,150 --> 00:48:56,170
You gotta go to Home Depot,
you gotta get a tarp,

938
00:48:56,190 --> 00:49:02,079
you gotta put the tarp down.
My bedroom looks like
Dexter's garage.

939
00:49:02,099 --> 00:49:04,010
I'm not living that way.

940
00:49:05,159 --> 00:49:08,199
Was sex not awkward
enough before squirting?

941
00:49:08,219 --> 00:49:10,110
Do you remember the awkward
talk before sex?

942
00:49:10,130 --> 00:49:12,159
Used to be like
"Hey, do you have a condom?"

943
00:49:12,179 --> 00:49:17,079
Now it's like,
"Hey, do you have a ShamWow?

944
00:49:20,110 --> 00:49:23,050
Shit's about to get crazy."

945
00:49:24,139 --> 00:49:25,190
You don't want me to squirt.

946
00:49:25,210 --> 00:49:27,199
You do not want me to squirt
because if I could squirt,

947
00:49:27,219 --> 00:49:31,099
I would use it
for evil all the time.

948
00:49:31,119 --> 00:49:32,230
Any time I was in
my boyfriend's car,

949
00:49:33,010 --> 00:49:37,030
I'd be like, "You sure you
want to text that girl back?

950
00:49:39,190 --> 00:49:41,199
I didn't think so."

951
00:49:44,179 --> 00:49:48,119
I'm worried. I'm worried for
the next generation of boys.

952
00:49:48,139 --> 00:49:50,070
'Cause now guys in their--

953
00:49:50,090 --> 00:49:54,090
Teenage kids, they watch porn
now before they ever actually
see a naked woman.

954
00:49:54,110 --> 00:49:57,010
Before they ever
actually have sex,
they're watching porn.

955
00:49:57,030 --> 00:49:58,199
And they think
that's gonna happen.

956
00:49:58,219 --> 00:50:04,099
They think that women
are just these human
Bellagio fountains,

957
00:50:04,119 --> 00:50:07,099
just squirting constantly.

958
00:50:07,119 --> 00:50:09,030
They think they're
gonna walk into that.

959
00:50:09,050 --> 00:50:10,139
Remember our
generation of boys,

960
00:50:10,159 --> 00:50:13,190
they would show up
to lose their virginity
with like, a rose.

961
00:50:13,210 --> 00:50:18,030
Now kids show up to lose
their virginity with just
a snorkel, an umbrella,

962
00:50:18,050 --> 00:50:20,090
just flippers.

963
00:50:22,170 --> 00:50:23,219
It's not healthy.

964
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:27,010
It's all just escalated
way too far, way too fast.

965
00:50:27,030 --> 00:50:29,090
Do you remember, like,
the good old days, like
our generation,

966
00:50:29,110 --> 00:50:33,000
we used to have, like,
first base and second
base, remember?

967
00:50:33,019 --> 00:50:35,119
It used to be like
first base was, like, kissing.

968
00:50:35,139 --> 00:50:38,170
Remember? Second base was,
you know, hand up the shirt.

969
00:50:38,190 --> 00:50:40,219
Now it is so escalated.
It is so extreme.

970
00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:43,219
Now, like,
first base is just sex.

971
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:47,079
Second base, squirting.

972
00:50:47,099 --> 00:50:50,079
Third base, gangbang.

973
00:50:50,099 --> 00:50:55,199
A home run, he just takes you
out in the alley, murders you,
jerks off on your dead body.

974
00:50:59,210 --> 00:51:02,130
It's a war zone
out there, man.

975
00:51:02,150 --> 00:51:06,030
'Cause one day,
you guys will become
desensitized to squirting.

976
00:51:06,050 --> 00:51:08,139
One day, that will be
boring to you, and then
what are we gonna do?

977
00:51:08,159 --> 00:51:12,230
We just gonna have to
pull out our intestines
and throw 'em in your face?

978
00:51:20,039 --> 00:51:21,139
It's not good.

979
00:51:21,159 --> 00:51:22,219
I think we ought
to draw a line.

980
00:51:23,000 --> 00:51:24,199
We gotta just take it down.
It's getting too intense.

981
00:51:24,219 --> 00:51:28,190
It's like every week you guys
come out with a new way
to humiliate us.

982
00:51:28,210 --> 00:51:31,119
You guys wanna have sex
with our boobs now.

983
00:51:34,079 --> 00:51:38,130
You guys wanna squeeze
our boobs and fuck 'em?

984
00:51:43,170 --> 00:51:45,090
What are you doing?

985
00:51:46,190 --> 00:51:49,079
What guy was ever having sex
with a woman and was like,

986
00:51:49,099 --> 00:51:54,130
"Ugh, this vagina
feels terrible, ugh.

987
00:51:54,150 --> 00:52:00,010
"I wish I had another one
that was completely dry.

988
00:52:00,030 --> 00:52:01,179
I know what to do."

989
00:52:04,010 --> 00:52:06,230
No, that's
my heart, you idiot!

990
00:52:07,010 --> 00:52:10,110
Get your dick
off my heart.

991
00:52:15,019 --> 00:52:17,050
You guys have gotten spoiled.
You have too many options.

992
00:52:17,070 --> 00:52:20,030
That's the problem,
you have too many options.
You guys are like...

993
00:52:28,079 --> 00:52:30,039
It's not Whac-A-Mole.

994
00:52:32,119 --> 00:52:35,119
I'm a human being.

995
00:52:35,139 --> 00:52:38,159
I have feelings and dreams.

996
00:52:38,179 --> 00:52:40,190
And parents.

997
00:52:44,079 --> 00:52:46,050
You guys are pushing it.

998
00:52:46,070 --> 00:52:50,070
It's getting more--
Like, I just feel like
you never come back from that,

999
00:52:50,090 --> 00:52:53,119
having a man's...

1000
00:52:53,139 --> 00:52:58,130
torso in your...

1001
00:52:58,150 --> 00:52:59,230
face.

1002
00:53:00,010 --> 00:53:02,179
I feel like one day,
one day I will be
a mother, right?

1003
00:53:02,199 --> 00:53:04,219
Thanks to the miracles
of egg freezing.

1004
00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:08,099
One day I will be a mother.
I will be holding
my beautiful baby,

1005
00:53:08,119 --> 00:53:11,199
I'll be looking down
at my beautiful baby's eyes,

1006
00:53:11,219 --> 00:53:14,210
we'll be having this beautiful
mother-daughter bond,

1007
00:53:14,230 --> 00:53:19,159
and then I'm just gonna have
a flashback to just a dick
just a dick, just a dick...

1008
00:53:26,030 --> 00:53:29,170
It's not how I wanted
motherhood to go down.

1009
00:53:29,190 --> 00:53:33,059
Excuse me, I have
to fix my hair after
my dick hit it.

1010
00:53:35,050 --> 00:53:38,030
You guys are getting
desensitized, and it's like,
I feel like you guys

1011
00:53:38,050 --> 00:53:40,039
are getting more violent
towards us, also.

1012
00:53:40,059 --> 00:53:44,139
It's like, the new thing
you guys want to do is
the gagging thing?

1013
00:53:44,159 --> 00:53:50,159
(gagging)

1014
00:53:54,050 --> 00:53:55,039
Is that sexy to you?

1015
00:53:55,059 --> 00:53:58,110
(resumes gagging)

1016
00:53:58,130 --> 00:54:01,190
You into that, sir?

1017
00:54:12,130 --> 00:54:15,179
You into that?
Is that your thing?

1018
00:54:19,179 --> 00:54:22,099
You like that, Internet?

1019
00:54:27,079 --> 00:54:30,199
If you're into that,
just go to jail now.

1020
00:54:30,219 --> 00:54:33,030
You're gonna end up
there eventually.

1021
00:54:33,050 --> 00:54:39,150
What, you want to put
your dicks in our throats
until we...

1022
00:54:39,170 --> 00:54:44,110
That's where
I breathe out of. You wanna
fuck my oxygen supply now?

1023
00:54:44,130 --> 00:54:47,159
Is that what it's come to?

1024
00:54:47,179 --> 00:54:50,190
Do you even like me?
Should I leave?

1025
00:54:53,010 --> 00:54:54,150
Like, what is the psychology?

1026
00:54:54,170 --> 00:54:57,170
The psychology of it is like,
"Yeah, my big dick's
gonna make her gag."

1027
00:54:57,190 --> 00:55:01,170
You know what else
makes me gag? A NyQuil gelcap.

1028
00:55:05,050 --> 00:55:07,050
It's not that big of a deal.

1029
00:55:12,199 --> 00:55:14,050
I asked a guy friend
of mine about this.

1030
00:55:14,070 --> 00:55:15,179
I was like, "What's up
with the gagging thing?

1031
00:55:15,199 --> 00:55:17,050
What's happening
with the gagging thing?"

1032
00:55:17,070 --> 00:55:20,210
He goes, "Oh, gagging's
awesome 'cause it makes
the girl cry."

1033
00:55:20,230 --> 00:55:22,139
What?!

1034
00:55:22,159 --> 00:55:24,199
I thought guys hated it
when we cried?

1035
00:55:24,219 --> 00:55:27,019
Now I know when guys leave
the room when I'm crying.

1036
00:55:27,039 --> 00:55:30,030
They're going to
the bathroom to jerk off.

1037
00:55:30,050 --> 00:55:32,059
Weirdos.

1038
00:55:32,079 --> 00:55:34,119
I don't like it.

1039
00:55:34,139 --> 00:55:36,190
I just think about all this
and I'm like, you know what?

1040
00:55:36,210 --> 00:55:39,079
I just feel like women,
we're always the ones

1041
00:55:39,099 --> 00:55:44,019
having to do the gross,
kinky, nasty, tricks
in the bedroom.

1042
00:55:44,039 --> 00:55:47,059
I feel like you guys
need to come up with
a couple fucking tricks.

1043
00:55:48,210 --> 00:55:51,019
(cheering)

1044
00:55:51,039 --> 00:55:52,190
Thank you.

1045
00:55:52,210 --> 00:55:54,219
I will strike
a deal with you, okay?

1046
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:57,119
I will learn to squirt

1047
00:55:57,139 --> 00:56:02,179
if you teach your dicks
how to blow bubbles.

1048
00:56:05,050 --> 00:56:08,170
Thank you guys
so much for coming out
to the show, everybody!

1049
00:56:08,190 --> 00:56:10,210
Thank you!

1050
00:56:10,230 --> 00:56:13,119
(cheering)

1051
00:56:20,099 --> 00:56:21,179
Thank you!

1052
00:56:21,199 --> 00:56:24,019
Hi, cuties!

1053
00:56:29,079 --> 00:56:30,130
Thank you!

1054
00:56:30,150 --> 00:56:33,159
First and foremost...

1055
00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:39,190
I just want to say thank you
so much for coming out.

1056
00:56:39,210 --> 00:56:42,170
It's always been such a big
dream of mine to have
an HBO special,

1057
00:56:42,190 --> 00:56:44,130
so this is a very
big deal for me.

1058
00:56:44,150 --> 00:56:47,199
Thank you. Thank you.

1059
00:56:47,219 --> 00:56:52,150
Um, and I would like
to dedicate this special
to my father

1060
00:56:52,170 --> 00:56:54,170
who is right now
going through something.

1061
00:56:54,190 --> 00:56:57,010
Keep fighting, Dad,
I love you very much.

1062
00:57:04,179 --> 00:57:07,139
And, as promised,

1063
00:57:07,159 --> 00:57:09,119
I will now take some
pictures with you guys

1064
00:57:09,139 --> 00:57:14,119
because I know that the only
reason you guys came here
was to get a fucking selfie,

1065
00:57:14,139 --> 00:57:17,110
and you haven't been listening
this entire show,

1066
00:57:17,130 --> 00:57:21,030
and you're just trying
to figure out how this
is gonna benefit you

1067
00:57:21,050 --> 00:57:22,190
and your Instagram feed.

1068
00:57:22,210 --> 00:57:25,150
So... (laughing)

1069
00:57:25,170 --> 00:57:28,230
So, what we'll do is
you guys can put your phone
in selfie mode.

1070
00:57:29,010 --> 00:57:31,150
I think you probably know
how to do that, you live
in Los Angeles,

1071
00:57:31,170 --> 00:57:32,230
all you do is take selfies.

1072
00:57:33,010 --> 00:57:35,230
So, hold it up
and I'll get in
the background of it.

1073
00:57:36,010 --> 00:57:37,159
So, uh, let's do it.

1074
00:57:37,179 --> 00:57:40,199
Thank you, guys. I love you.

1075
00:57:46,019 --> 00:57:50,199
♪ ♪