1
00:00:02,210 --> 00:00:05,631
[man] <i>Cefalù, Sicily, 1959.</i>

2
00:00:05,631 --> 00:00:07,716
<i>What a simpler time.</i>

3
00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:10,302
<i>Families, rolling hills,</i>

4
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,637
<i>farms.</i>

5
00:00:11,637 --> 00:00:13,054
<i>Look at my grandfather.</i>

6
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:14,473
<i>Do you know how confident</i>

7
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:14,473
<i>you have to be</i>

8
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:16,725
<i>to wear a short sleeve</i>

9
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:16,725
<i>dress shirt</i>

10
00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:19,520
<i>with a tie</i>

11
00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:19,520
<i>to go pick tomatoes?</i>

12
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,439
<i>My father would go on</i>

13
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,439
<i>to be a hair stylist,</i>

14
00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:23,858
<i>and my uncle Luigi</i>

15
00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:25,651
<i>could get a deal</i>

16
00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:25,651
<i>on anything.</i>

17
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:28,445
<i>My family</i>

18
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:28,445
<i>didn't agree on much,</i>

19
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:30,698
<i>but the one thing</i>

20
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:30,698
<i>they would agree on,</i>

21
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,367
<i>no one,</i>

22
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,367
<i>and I mean no one</i>

23
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,411
<i>would ever thought</i>

24
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,411
<i>I would end up here.</i>

25
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:39,456
[electronic music playing]

26
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:53,387
[male announcer]

27
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:53,387
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,</i>

28
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:53,387
<i>Sebastian Maniscalco.</i>

29
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,764
[audience cheers]

30
00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:31,550
Wow. Nice.

31
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,469
Well...

32
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,311
Feels good.

33
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:51,445
Saturday night, right?

34
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:51,445
It's exciting.

35
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:57,659
It's a big night.

36
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:57,659
It's a big night.

37
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:03,624
Now, before you came here,

38
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,960
you had to decide

39
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,962
how you're

40
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,962
gonna get here.

41
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:12,091
And you might be getting ready

42
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:12,091
and ask your wife,

43
00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:14,051
"Babe, you want me to drive?"

44
00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,677
[audience laughs]

45
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:23,060
If you're Italian,

46
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:23,060
you probably try and get like,

47
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,062
"Well, do you think we're

48
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,062
gonna get, like, a stretch

49
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,648
or something like that?

50
00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:36,490
Do we get a cab?

51
00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:36,490
What do we do?

52
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:40,119
Maybe Uber?

53
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:40,119
A lot of people like Uber."

54
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,831
UberX, what is that?

55
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,249
What is it?

56
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:49,003
It's like hitchhiking

57
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:49,003
with your phone.

58
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:50,169
[audience laughs]

59
00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:01,098
God knows what's gonna

60
00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:01,098
pull up tonight

61
00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:02,349
to pick you up.

62
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:07,228
Some guy

63
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:07,228
in a Ford Festiva?

64
00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,859
Groceries in the back?

65
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:14,987
Baby seat next to you?

66
00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:17,364
With a baby?

67
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,367
Loose popcorn

68
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,367
on the floor?

69
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:23,328
"What's going on

70
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:23,328
back here, guy?

71
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,873
Are you on an errand?

72
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,873
What is this?"

73
00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:34,089
Uber Black.

74
00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:34,089
That's another one, people.

75
00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:37,258
That's a better...

76
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:39,970
You might get a sedan,

77
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:39,970
an SUV.

78
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,555
Do you ever get

79
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,555
into that guy's car?

80
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,474
He's so proud

81
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,474
of his candy.

82
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,894
As soon as you get in,

83
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,894
"I've got candy if you want.

84
00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:48,020
I got it in the seat.

85
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:50,147
I got gum,

86
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:50,147
Jolly Rancher,

87
00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:53,859
I got iPhone 3, 4, 5, 6 charge.

88
00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:55,736
I got iPhone 9.

89
00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:55,736
It's not out,

90
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,404
but I have

91
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,404
if you need it."

92
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,698
What?

93
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:06,788
These are weird experiences.

94
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,540
You get in an Uber,

95
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,540
they're rating you.

96
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:09,875
You're rating them.

97
00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:13,378
Everybody's on some weird,

98
00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:13,378
fake behavior.

99
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,631
As soon as you get in,

100
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,631
you have to ask,

101
00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:19,676
you feel like, okay, I gotta...

102
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,887
"How long have you

103
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,887
been doing Uber?"

104
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:30,520
And they never just do Uber.

105
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,191
They always got

106
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,191
some side business.

107
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:35,316
You ask them how long.

108
00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:36,818
"I know, come on, hee hee.

109
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:41,448
I do this 12 hours a week,

110
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:41,448
but my real business,

111
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,784
I got a discotheque

112
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,784
in Istanbul."

113
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,494
What...

114
00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:51,291
the hell are you

115
00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:51,291
talking about?

116
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:03,428
And Uber is expanding into

117
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:03,428
a lot of different areas.

118
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:05,346
You don't have this yet

119
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:05,346
here in New York City,

120
00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:07,307
but in Los Angeles,

121
00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:07,307
they have a thing called

122
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,518
Uber Kitten.

123
00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:14,856
Where they'll bring

124
00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:14,856
a cat to your house

125
00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:17,317
for one hour.

126
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,362
Why would you do that?

127
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:30,956
I've never been sitting around

128
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:30,956
my home and asked my wife,

129
00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:34,626
"Babe, call Uber.

130
00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:34,626
Let's get a cat over here

131
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:37,420
for one hour.

132
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:37,420
I need to pet something."

133
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,677
[laughing continues]

134
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,350
It's weird.

135
00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:55,814
We trust our phones too much.

136
00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,983
Could you imagine

137
00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,983
20 years ago,

138
00:05:57,983 --> 00:06:00,861
a foreign guy pulling up

139
00:05:57,983 --> 00:06:00,861
in a sedan telling you,

140
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,029
"Get in." You'd be like,

141
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,198
"Get the fuck out of here."

142
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,670
Not today. You're like,

143
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,964
"Are you Gegak?

144
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,054
The photo doesn't really

145
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,054
look like you,

146
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,681
but I think

147
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,681
this is the vehicle."

148
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,980
Strange.

149
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:40,525
There's a lot of interesting

150
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:40,525
websites out there.

151
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,986
Airbnb. Here's another one.

152
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:47,615
You can rent out a room

153
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:47,615
in your house.

154
00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:56,875
Is it worth the extra $100

155
00:06:56,875 --> 00:07:01,420
to have some psychotic family

156
00:06:56,875 --> 00:07:01,420
show up with their luggage?

157
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,801
[imitates British accent]

158
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,801
"Hello."

159
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:09,846
I couldn't do this.

160
00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:14,475
I couldn't rent out

161
00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:14,475
a room in my home.

162
00:07:14,475 --> 00:07:18,521
If I did, after they left,

163
00:07:14,475 --> 00:07:18,521
I'd have to burn the room

164
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,565
that they were in.

165
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:22,359
I'd torch the mattress.

166
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,403
I don't know

167
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,403
what's falling out

168
00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:25,779
of peoples ears

169
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,115
into the Tempur-Pedic.

170
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,075
Torch the...

171
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:33,870
Torch the bed.

172
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,334
I don't even stay

173
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,334
with my family

174
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,669
let alone strangers.

175
00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,298
I get it all the time.

176
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,549
Every time I go to a city,

177
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,549
I know people there.

178
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,385
And they're like,

179
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,385
"Just stay with us.

180
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:51,054
We have plenty of room."

181
00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:54,015
I ain't staying with you.

182
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:58,770
You ever stay with people?

183
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:58,770
It's weird.

184
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,605
They put you

185
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,605
in some weird room

186
00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:01,773
nobody uses.

187
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:04,359
Single bed,

188
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:04,359
<i>Star Wars</i> sheets,

189
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:06,569
Darth Vader, C-3PO.

190
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,115
Can't even get comfortable.

191
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,658
You ever get into

192
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,658
somebody's bed?

193
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,952
It's weird. You get in.

194
00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:15,578
You can't...

195
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:17,289
Look to the left,

196
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:17,289
there's a booger wall.

197
00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:20,500
Somebody started

198
00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:20,500
a booger wall?

199
00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:32,220
Try and get comfortable.

200
00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:32,220
You can't.

201
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,681
The owners always come in

202
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,681
and knock on the door,

203
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,641
and they're gonna tell you

204
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,641
what's wrong with the house.

205
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,685
You always get

206
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,685
that little knock.

207
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,313
"Are you sleeping yet?"

208
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:44,524
"No, I'm gonna stand, why?

209
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:44,524
What's going on?

210
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,234
You got a booger wall

211
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,234
here to your left.

212
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,944
You haven't-- you haven't

213
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,944
seen that yet?

214
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,654
Nothing?"

215
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:52,782
They tell you just before

216
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:52,782
you go to bed,

217
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,242
just so you know,

218
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,203
"The toilet in the hallway,

219
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,203
do not flush that.

220
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,372
If you do, we're gonna

221
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,372
have to evacuate the home."

222
00:08:58,372 --> 00:09:00,081
What?

223
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,793
"When you shower

224
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,793
cold is hot, hot is cold.

225
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,004
We've been trying

226
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,004
to fix that for years.

227
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:08,465
When you're done

228
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:08,465
showering,

229
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,675
we ask if you could

230
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,675
please squeegee--"

231
00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:12,552
Squeegee?

232
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,806
What? I mean wh--

233
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,806
I gotta get in and clean?

234
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:20,601
Now naked. I gotta search

235
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:20,601
for some weird wand

236
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:24,772
that lives in your shower

237
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:24,772
for 23 years?

238
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:28,068
Take the wand and start

239
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:28,068
wiping off shower pellets

240
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:32,447
as my balls

241
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:32,447
touch the tile?

242
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,574
[man whistling]

243
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:37,702
What, do I work here?

244
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:42,749
I'm not cleaning the shower.

245
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:50,673
I don't know,

246
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:50,673
I stay at a hotel.

247
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,344
I don't even trust

248
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,344
the hotel.

249
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:57,347
As soon as I check in, I put

250
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:57,347
a "do not disturb" on the hook.

251
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,433
It sits there

252
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,433
for the amount of time

253
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:01,351
I'm in the room.

254
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:02,727
Yeah, you think I'm dumb?

255
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:04,812
You think I'm dumb?

256
00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:06,398
You think I'm gonna

257
00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:06,398
have the maid come in

258
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:09,609
and steal everything

259
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:09,609
that I got?

260
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,695
Wash out my glasses

261
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,695
with some dirty panties?

262
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,614
Fuck that.

263
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:29,129
Nobody comes into my room.

264
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,131
I throw everything

265
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,131
in the hallway.

266
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,175
Take the dirty towels,

267
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,175
right in the hallway.

268
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,682
That coffee machine

269
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,682
that's in the bathroom?

270
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:43,226
I throw that out.

271
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:46,896
Who the hell is making coffee

272
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:46,896
next to the toilet?

273
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,826
Throw it out!

274
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,584
And I'll rearrange

275
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,584
an entire hotel room.

276
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,586
I don't like

277
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,586
a lot of clutter.

278
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,505
As soon as I check in,

279
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,505
I look to see

280
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,006
what's going on

281
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,006
in the room.

282
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,008
If it's too--

283
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,008
too many things,

284
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,759
I start rearranging.

285
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,759
I'll take a chair.

286
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,011
I'll throw it

287
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,011
in the elevator

288
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,347
and I'll send it

289
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,347
to the lobby.

290
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,439
People get in the elevator,

291
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,439
and they think it's part

292
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,439
of the hotel.

293
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,359
They're like,

294
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,359
"Wow, this is fabulous!

295
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,279
They have furniture

296
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,279
in here?

297
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:39,740
My feet

298
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:39,740
are just killing me."

299
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,370
My wife thinks I'm nuts.

300
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,746
My wife didn't grow up

301
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,746
with this mentality.

302
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:48,958
I get this all

303
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:48,958
from my dad, all right?

304
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,293
My wife didn't grow up

305
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,293
like me.

306
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,795
My wife's family,

307
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,795
entirely different

308
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,339
than my family.

309
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:57,467
My family, we talk a lot.

310
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,844
Everything's out in the open

311
00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:01,638
on my side of the family.

312
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:04,057
In my family,

313
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:04,057
if you got a problem,

314
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:07,060
somebody gonna tell you

315
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,063
you got a problem.

316
00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,315
You stink? Somebody goes,

317
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,401
"What the fuck? You stink."

318
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,785
Yeah, he stinks.

319
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,785
I don't know.

320
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,503
We are so honest.

321
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:36,089
Nobody gets their feelings

322
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:36,089
hurt in my family.

323
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,633
Nobody's got feelings.

324
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,763
We talk about each other

325
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,763
in our family.

326
00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:48,643
I call my mother, and we talk

327
00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:48,643
about the entire family.

328
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,811
We talk about my sister.

329
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,811
"Hey, you talk to Jessica?"

330
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:54,023
"Yeah, don't call her.

331
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:54,023
It's all--

332
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,817
They're having

333
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,817
a tough go of it."

334
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,616
Not my wife's family.

335
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,616
They don't say nothing

336
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:05,201
on that side. Nobody knows.

337
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:07,786
I listen. I listen.

338
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,249
My wife Skypes

339
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,249
with her mother.

340
00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:12,917
And, you know,

341
00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:12,917
I can hear them talking.

342
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:15,378
"What's going on over there?"

343
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:19,006
"Oh, nothing.

344
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:19,006
Everything's good here.

345
00:13:19,006 --> 00:13:20,216
What's going on over there?"

346
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,343
And I pass by. [mumbles]

347
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:28,642
After she get off,

348
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:28,642
I tell her--

349
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,727
I ask my wife,

350
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,727
"What did your mom say?"

351
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:31,810
"Oh, everything's good."

352
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:34,230
It ain't good.

353
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,899
Dig, dig for the story.

354
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,656
Get down deep.

355
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,656
Figure it out.

356
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:44,699
There's shit happening.

357
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:51,331
I talk to my mother,

358
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:51,331
I get it all from her.

359
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,167
As soon as I hang up,

360
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,167
I can't wait to tell my wife

361
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,253
what I found out.

362
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,672
As soon as I hang up

363
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,672
the phone I go,

364
00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:00,881
"Babe, pour yourself

365
00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:00,881
a glass of wine.

366
00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:02,258
Meet me outside.

367
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:04,302
You're not gonna believe

368
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:04,302
what's going on

369
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,595
with my cousins.

370
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,806
[whistles]

371
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:13,478
I got juice. I got juice."

372
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:21,027
My family talks

373
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:21,027
about everything.

374
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,154
Nothing is off the table.

375
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,406
Talk about money constantly.

376
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,116
To this day, my father and I,

377
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,035
that's all we did

378
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,035
was talk about money,

379
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,495
when we were small,

380
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,121
to this day.

381
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,121
My father knows what I make.

382
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,374
I know what he's got

383
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,374
buried in the yard.

384
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:40,338
Italians.

385
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:40,338
Any Italians here tonight?

386
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:42,340
[audience cheers]

387
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:45,926
Of course.

388
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:47,554
Italians, we're always

389
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:47,554
trying to figure out

390
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:50,682
what stuff costs.

391
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,475
Some of you were probably

392
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,475
looking up here tonight going,

393
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:55,395
"What do you think

394
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:55,395
he's making for this shit?

395
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,945
How many seats you think

396
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,945
is in the place?"

397
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,997
Any event Italians go,

398
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,997
they try and figure it out.

399
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,584
They go to a wedding,

400
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,584
the whole ride home,

401
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,169
"How much you think

402
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,169
they paid for the...?"

403
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:27,886
We itemize everything

404
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:27,886
we saw at the wedding.

405
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:29,596
Well, they wrapped

406
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:29,596
the chairs.

407
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,891
That's $38 a chair.

408
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:35,976
They had a sweet table.

409
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:35,976
Ice sculptures.

410
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:42,983
So honest.

411
00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:44,694
My family is so honest.

412
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:47,238
My wife's family, again,

413
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:47,238
they don't say nothin'.

414
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,949
And I really found out

415
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,949
how different

416
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,493
my wife and I were

417
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,493
when we went to go visit

418
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,662
her father at the cemetery.

419
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:58,792
Now, my wife's father

420
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:58,792
passed away 15 years ago.

421
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:01,043
I never got a chance

422
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:01,043
to meet the man.

423
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,212
So we go to the cemetery.

424
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,298
Now, prior to his death,

425
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,468
he bought a plot for himself,

426
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,720
a plot for his wife.

427
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,807
Well, the wife

428
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,807
has since remarried.

429
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,477
Okay.

430
00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,574
So we go to the cemetery,

431
00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:32,867
and I'm holding

432
00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:32,867
my wife's hand.

433
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,662
It's a very emotional day

434
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,662
for us.

435
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:36,913
Well, for me.

436
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,372
Listen, I gotta

437
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,372
be honest with you,

438
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:42,335
I'm the emotional one

439
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:42,335
in the relationship.

440
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:46,881
I cry, no problem.

441
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:46,881
<i>Undercover Boss,</i> forget it.

442
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:48,967
I'm balling at the end

443
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:48,967
of that show.

444
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:51,135
Oh, my God.

445
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,309
So we go to the cemetery.

446
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,309
I'm holding my wife's hand.

447
00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,937
We approach the two graves.

448
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,230
Now I'm sitting there,

449
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,230
my heart is bleeding

450
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:05,191
for my wife.

451
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:05,191
She got no father.

452
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:08,611
But the other side

453
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:08,611
of my brain kicks in.

454
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:14,450
I said, "Is your mother

455
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:14,450
still gonna get...

456
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,121
buried here

457
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,121
with the original or...

458
00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:26,337
Or is she gonna get buried

459
00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:26,337
with the new husband?

460
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,048
What's going on?

461
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,048
'Cause this is paid for.

462
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,801
It's paid for and, uh,

463
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:34,012
who's going in the hole?

464
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:34,012
We gotta figure this out.

465
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,763
I'll hop in here.

466
00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:38,391
In the meantime,

467
00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:38,391
we gotta use this,

468
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,642
maybe for storage.

469
00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:41,644
We'll put

470
00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:41,644
the Christmas tree here.

471
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:46,482
A rake, skis.

472
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:46,482
We gotta use this."

473
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,198
My wife's brain

474
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,198
don't work this way.

475
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,410
She said, "Why would you

476
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,410
even think of that?"

477
00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:01,497
I go, "That's why you got me.

478
00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:01,497
I think of this."

479
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:03,499
We're calling

480
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:03,499
your mother tonight,

481
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:07,253
and we're figuring out

482
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:07,253
who goes where in this plot.

483
00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:17,013
But they don't share

484
00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:17,013
like my family shares.

485
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:20,182
My family comes over,

486
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:20,182
it's a critique of everything.

487
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,977
My father comes to critique

488
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,977
everything in the house.

489
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:26,522
He asks me what I paid

490
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:26,522
for stuff constantly.

491
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,148
He'll walk around

492
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,148
the house and just,

493
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,943
"How much, how much

494
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,943
you pay for that?"

495
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,195
"What they take you for?

496
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,195
Tell me."

497
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,409
So now I gotta give him

498
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,409
parent price.

499
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:46,333
You can't tell your parents

500
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:46,333
the full price.

501
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:47,794
They'll have a heart attack.

502
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,757
You gotta knock 90% off.

503
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:02,809
But my father can't even

504
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:02,809
take the parent price.

505
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,852
I go, "I don't know, Dad.

506
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,852
I think it was $400--"

507
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:08,648
"$400?!

508
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:08,648
I could make this."

509
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:13,402
What you can make

510
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:13,402
a 65" Samsung TV set?

511
00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:17,323
What the hell

512
00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:17,323
are you talking...?

513
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,373
Different families.

514
00:19:26,373 --> 00:19:28,542
My wife's family, God,

515
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:31,629
I spent six days

516
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:31,629
with them

517
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,464
a couple months ago.

518
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,091
Now, when I go to her side

519
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,091
of the family,

520
00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:36,634
I got no blood relation there.

521
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:38,260
I got nobody to confide in.

522
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,347
I can't tap anybody and go,

523
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,347
"Did you see that?"

524
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:58,823
Now, my wife's got a nephew

525
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:58,823
on that side that, well,

526
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:02,201
these types of kids,

527
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:02,201
he's all over the restaurant.

528
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,120
He'll go to a restaurant,

529
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,120
he don't sit still,

530
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,538
boom, he's gone.

531
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,290
Now, I'm the type,

532
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,290
I can handle a conversation,

533
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,043
but in the back

534
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,043
of my head, I'm like,

535
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:12,378
"Is somebody

536
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:12,378
gonna handle this?"

537
00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:20,678
So I lose him for about

538
00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:20,678
a minute and a half.

539
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,513
I become concerned

540
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,513
because I don't know

541
00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:23,890
where the hell he's at.

542
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,100
He comes from behind me,

543
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,100
and he chops me

544
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,894
right in the neck.

545
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:33,816
I look right at the parents.

546
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,109
Nothing. They're just,

547
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:37,486
"Oh, well, he's just

548
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:37,486
a kid, you know?"

549
00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:41,657
Do you know what

550
00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:41,657
would happen to me

551
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:46,079
if I ever slapped an adult

552
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:46,079
at a restaurant?

553
00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:49,456
Right?

554
00:20:49,456 --> 00:20:51,834
[audience cheers]

555
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,131
My father would come

556
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,131
from behind me,

557
00:20:57,131 --> 00:21:01,385
put a black bag over my head...

558
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,846
and take me to

559
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,846
an undisclosed location.

560
00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,223
Gone.

561
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,646
I would return

562
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,646
one hour later,

563
00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:14,774
a brand-new kid.

564
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:22,156
There'd be a lot of bowing.

565
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:22,156
"I'm so sorry.

566
00:21:22,156 --> 00:21:24,283
I am so sorry.

567
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,868
My father just informed me

568
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:30,206
that I'm gonna be working

569
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:30,206
for you free of charge...

570
00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,250
for the next 12 years

571
00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,250
of my life.

572
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:34,210
I apologize deeply."

573
00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:42,384
But the reason I fell

574
00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:42,384
in love with my wife

575
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:43,970
is because

576
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:43,970
she is so different.

577
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:46,555
She brings out

578
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:46,555
a lot of things in me

579
00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:47,974
that no one ever has.

580
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:50,768
She loves to go out.

581
00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:53,437
Loves people. Loves to go...

582
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:55,856
Here, she came home

583
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:55,856
a couple of months ago.

584
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:58,484
She's like,

585
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:58,484
"Met a great couple,

586
00:21:58,484 --> 00:22:02,321
they invited us to their home

587
00:21:58,484 --> 00:22:02,321
for a dinner party."

588
00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:07,201
In my head, I'm like,

589
00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:07,201
"This sounds terrible.

590
00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:08,995
I don't want..."

591
00:22:15,375 --> 00:22:18,296
I have an allergic reaction

592
00:22:15,375 --> 00:22:18,296
to people I don't like.

593
00:22:18,296 --> 00:22:20,840
Right away, I feel it. I itch.

594
00:22:23,717 --> 00:22:25,594
But not everything's

595
00:22:23,717 --> 00:22:25,594
an argument.

596
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:29,265
So I told my wife, "Eh, yeah...

597
00:22:29,265 --> 00:22:30,516
When is it? Saturday night,

598
00:22:30,516 --> 00:22:33,393
my night off?

599
00:22:30,516 --> 00:22:33,393
Yeah, I'd love to go.

600
00:22:33,393 --> 00:22:34,770
All strangers?

601
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:37,397
Everybody's gonna

602
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:37,397
be a stranger?"

603
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,031
So we get in the car.

604
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,031
We start to drive.

605
00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:46,949
The whole ride there

606
00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:46,949
she's promoting the couple.

607
00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:50,703
It's her couple.

608
00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:50,703
She's gotta talk them up.

609
00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:53,706
She's like,

610
00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:53,706
"You're gonna love these two.

611
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:57,126
She's an interior designer.

612
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:57,126
She is so creative.

613
00:22:57,126 --> 00:23:00,713
You're gonna love the guy too.

614
00:22:57,126 --> 00:23:00,713
He's a stay-at-home dad.

615
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:14,143
I didn't grow up with

616
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:14,143
the stay-at-home dad community.

617
00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:16,145
I didn't--

618
00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:16,145
You don't really find that

619
00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:17,730
in the Italian culture.

620
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:19,148
You rarely hear a woman go,

621
00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:22,151
"No, Gino's at home

622
00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:22,151
with the kid.

623
00:23:25,238 --> 00:23:27,031
No, he doesn't work.

624
00:23:27,031 --> 00:23:30,743
He just watches <i>Peppa Pig</i>

625
00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:33,746
with the kid."

626
00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:38,334
That wasn't my father,

627
00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:38,334
I'll tell you that.

628
00:23:38,334 --> 00:23:41,087
He wasn't testing milk

629
00:23:38,334 --> 00:23:41,087
on his arm.

630
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,799
"Yeah, no, you can

631
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,799
give him the bottle.

632
00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:47,134
I think it's good."

633
00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:50,304
Dad was working

634
00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:50,304
18 hours a day.

635
00:23:50,304 --> 00:23:52,932
I think I formally met my dad

636
00:23:50,304 --> 00:23:52,932
when I was 18 years old.

637
00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:57,228
He had a little break.

638
00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:57,228
He's like,

639
00:23:57,228 --> 00:23:59,146
"Hey, how you doing?

640
00:23:57,228 --> 00:23:59,146
I'm your father.

641
00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:01,065
I'm your father.

642
00:24:02,316 --> 00:24:03,692
Everything going okay?

643
00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:05,903
Puberty?

644
00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:05,903
Everything growing?"

645
00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:15,288
So we pull up

646
00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:15,288
to the house.

647
00:24:15,288 --> 00:24:17,290
We get out of the car.

648
00:24:15,288 --> 00:24:17,290
Now, we don't go right in

649
00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:18,624
'cause my wife's

650
00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:18,624
gotta coach me

651
00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:21,294
before we go into

652
00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:21,294
any social event.

653
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:24,462
She's gotta fix me,

654
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:24,462
she's always fixing me.

655
00:24:24,462 --> 00:24:26,548
My wife's just, "Here, just..."

656
00:24:26,548 --> 00:24:29,843
[grunting] "Fix me up."

657
00:24:30,803 --> 00:24:32,470
She's gotta tell

658
00:24:30,803 --> 00:24:32,470
me what to do.

659
00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:34,432
She's like, "Just smile

660
00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:34,432
when you're in there,

661
00:24:34,432 --> 00:24:35,891
just smile at people."

662
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:38,227
My wife don't think I smile

663
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:38,227
around strangers.

664
00:24:38,227 --> 00:24:40,520
She thinks I got

665
00:24:38,227 --> 00:24:40,520
a mean resting face.

666
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,189
Like, if I'm not

667
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,189
talking or smiling,

668
00:24:42,189 --> 00:24:44,733
it looks like I could murder

669
00:24:42,189 --> 00:24:44,733
your entire family.

670
00:24:56,412 --> 00:24:58,747
So I tell my wife,

671
00:24:56,412 --> 00:24:58,747
"Don't worry about it.

672
00:24:58,747 --> 00:25:02,001
It's just new people.

673
00:24:58,747 --> 00:25:02,001
We're gonna have fun."

674
00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:04,586
So come up to the door.

675
00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:04,586
I ring the bell.

676
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:07,131
They came to the door

677
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:07,131
as a couple.

678
00:25:07,131 --> 00:25:09,091
That bothered me.

679
00:25:11,344 --> 00:25:13,762
[mouthing words]

680
00:25:18,434 --> 00:25:22,938
Just send one representative

681
00:25:18,434 --> 00:25:22,938
to the door.

682
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:26,442
Both of you don't

683
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:26,442
have to come holding hands.

684
00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:34,908
Now you walk in.

685
00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:37,244
It's a house I've never

686
00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:37,244
been in before.

687
00:25:37,244 --> 00:25:39,788
As soon as I walk in,

688
00:25:37,244 --> 00:25:39,788
I look at everything around me.

689
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:41,290
I'm walking into

690
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:41,290
a new environment,

691
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:45,044
I take a 360,

692
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:45,044
and I take it in.

693
00:25:45,044 --> 00:25:47,963
I look for escape routes.

694
00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:51,549
My wife don't

695
00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:51,549
look at nothin'.

696
00:25:51,549 --> 00:25:53,386
My wife's in the clouds.

697
00:25:53,386 --> 00:25:56,472
She's just walking.

698
00:25:56,472 --> 00:25:57,806
Could be

699
00:25:56,472 --> 00:25:57,806
a burning building.

700
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,893
She would,

701
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,893
"Whoa, wow, it's hot.

702
00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:02,769
Think I'll try over here."

703
00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:07,441
So I see the guy

704
00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:07,441
right away.

705
00:26:07,441 --> 00:26:10,027
He's got a T-shirt, #Dad.

706
00:26:15,449 --> 00:26:16,950
Then he tells me, "Can you

707
00:26:15,449 --> 00:26:16,950
take your shoes off, please?

708
00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,576
This is a shoe-free

709
00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,576
environment."

710
00:26:18,576 --> 00:26:20,829
I said, "What the fuck

711
00:26:18,576 --> 00:26:20,829
did you just tell me to do?"

712
00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:25,251
Shoes don't come off.

713
00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:27,211
My shoes come on once a night.

714
00:26:27,211 --> 00:26:30,214
That's it.

715
00:26:30,214 --> 00:26:32,341
I know some of you aren't

716
00:26:30,214 --> 00:26:32,341
even feeling this right now

717
00:26:32,341 --> 00:26:34,468
'cause you do this to people.

718
00:26:32,341 --> 00:26:34,468
Don't do this.

719
00:26:34,468 --> 00:26:36,887
Do not do this

720
00:26:34,468 --> 00:26:36,887
to grown people.

721
00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:39,557
All right? You're

722
00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:39,557
sitting there going,

723
00:26:39,557 --> 00:26:42,184
"Wh-wh-what's wrong with that?

724
00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:44,562
We have people take

725
00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:44,562
their shoes off all the ti--

726
00:26:44,562 --> 00:26:47,440
We have white carpet."

727
00:26:44,562 --> 00:26:47,440
Why you got white carpet?

728
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,191
Why?

729
00:26:55,155 --> 00:26:57,116
And my wife knows how I feel

730
00:26:55,155 --> 00:26:57,116
about the shoe thing.

731
00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:58,616
She taps me. She's like,

732
00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:58,616
"Just take them off.

733
00:26:58,616 --> 00:27:00,660
Take them off.

734
00:26:58,616 --> 00:27:00,660
These are nice people."

735
00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:01,954
So now I gotta remove my shoes

736
00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:03,705
in front of two people

737
00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:03,705
I just met.

738
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:06,833
Try and hold a conversation.

739
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:06,833
It's strange, you know?

740
00:27:06,833 --> 00:27:08,710
"So how long have

741
00:27:06,833 --> 00:27:08,710
you lived here?"

742
00:27:15,633 --> 00:27:18,387
So I dropped my shoes

743
00:27:15,633 --> 00:27:18,387
in the shoe farm.

744
00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:24,017
Now I'm walking around

745
00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:24,017
a stranger's house

746
00:27:24,017 --> 00:27:27,313
in my socks.

747
00:27:27,313 --> 00:27:30,190
Meeting other grown men

748
00:27:27,313 --> 00:27:30,190
in their socks.

749
00:27:30,190 --> 00:27:31,649
"Hey, how--?"

750
00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:45,831
There's four guys

751
00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:45,831
in a sock circle.

752
00:27:48,750 --> 00:27:50,210
One guy came up,

753
00:27:48,750 --> 00:27:50,210
he was barefoot.

754
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,129
I almost threw up

755
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,129
in my mouth.

756
00:28:01,347 --> 00:28:02,680
The guy was barefoot.

757
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,101
He wanted to talk

758
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,101
serious topics.

759
00:28:06,101 --> 00:28:08,770
He's like, "What do you

760
00:28:06,101 --> 00:28:08,770
think of ISIS?"

761
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:12,650
I said, "What do you think

762
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:12,650
about putting some socks?"

763
00:28:12,650 --> 00:28:14,026
Ah!

764
00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:16,570
[whistling]

765
00:28:18,197 --> 00:28:23,410
"ISIS is the least

766
00:28:18,197 --> 00:28:23,410
of your concerns."

767
00:28:26,121 --> 00:28:30,042
The bunion on this guy

768
00:28:26,121 --> 00:28:30,042
was so large,

769
00:28:30,042 --> 00:28:33,086
his big toe was headed

770
00:28:30,042 --> 00:28:33,086
for the kitchen.

771
00:28:36,298 --> 00:28:39,552
You're showcasing

772
00:28:36,298 --> 00:28:39,552
this tonight?

773
00:28:39,552 --> 00:28:41,554
What happened to you?

774
00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:52,523
But my wife's voice

775
00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:52,523
is in the back of my head.

776
00:28:52,523 --> 00:28:54,941
Be friendly. Be open.

777
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:56,735
Smile.

778
00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:01,281
So it's a group of guys.

779
00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:02,908
They all know each other.

780
00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:02,908
They don't know me.

781
00:29:02,908 --> 00:29:04,993
They all went

782
00:29:02,908 --> 00:29:04,993
to college together.

783
00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:06,579
They're in their mid-40s.

784
00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:08,581
I'm just summing everything up

785
00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:08,581
as I'm listening, huh?

786
00:29:08,581 --> 00:29:11,291
Okay, here's this.

787
00:29:08,581 --> 00:29:11,291
This is this. I got this.

788
00:29:12,585 --> 00:29:14,336
But they're reminiscing

789
00:29:12,585 --> 00:29:14,336
about the college years

790
00:29:14,336 --> 00:29:16,547
because they're unhappy

791
00:29:14,336 --> 00:29:16,547
in their life right now.

792
00:29:16,547 --> 00:29:18,757
We all know these people

793
00:29:16,547 --> 00:29:18,757
in their mid-40s.

794
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:22,386
They gotta go back about

795
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:22,386
25 years to figure out,

796
00:29:22,386 --> 00:29:25,764
"Hey." And they always

797
00:29:22,386 --> 00:29:25,764
refer to each other

798
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:28,100
by their last name.

799
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:28,100
"Hey, Schmitty, remember?

800
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:32,688
Remember college?

801
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:32,688
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

802
00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:35,315
Beer bong? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

803
00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:35,315
Pissing in the yard?"

804
00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:41,363
Yeah, that's the type of guys

805
00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:41,363
that do fantasy football.

806
00:29:41,363 --> 00:29:43,449
That's all they do.

807
00:29:41,363 --> 00:29:43,449
"Hey, how's your receivers?"

808
00:29:43,449 --> 00:29:46,118
"Oh, my receivers

809
00:29:43,449 --> 00:29:46,118
are really good this year."

810
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,878
So I break out of that.

811
00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:58,922
I start making my way

812
00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:58,922
to the kitchen.

813
00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:01,467
Now I start noticing

814
00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:01,467
baby gates

815
00:30:01,467 --> 00:30:03,302
all over the house.

816
00:30:03,302 --> 00:30:06,263
Take the baby gates down

817
00:30:06,263 --> 00:30:08,474
when you got people over.

818
00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:11,351
It's weird. Now I'm walking

819
00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:11,351
around the house...

820
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:31,371
So I go right to the kitchen

821
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:31,371
'cause I'm hungry.

822
00:30:31,371 --> 00:30:33,873
There's no food.

823
00:30:33,873 --> 00:30:35,584
They got nothing to pick on.

824
00:30:35,584 --> 00:30:38,920
I become very concerned.

825
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:40,798
You have to understand

826
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:40,798
something

827
00:30:40,798 --> 00:30:42,215
about the way I grew up.

828
00:30:42,215 --> 00:30:43,467
I grew up in a house,

829
00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:47,262
there was food everywhere.

830
00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:49,807
Every two feet,

831
00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:49,807
you just bump in...

832
00:30:56,271 --> 00:30:58,440
So good.

833
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,861
I had a grandmother

834
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,861
who lived in the basement

835
00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:05,322
just cranking out lasagnas.

836
00:31:14,914 --> 00:31:17,334
It was like a lasagna factory

837
00:31:17,334 --> 00:31:18,836
in the basement.

838
00:31:18,836 --> 00:31:21,630
Food just kept coming up

839
00:31:18,836 --> 00:31:21,630
the stairs for no reason.

840
00:31:21,630 --> 00:31:26,301
There was meat hanging

841
00:31:21,630 --> 00:31:26,301
from the ceiling.

842
00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:28,637
There was a sauce room

843
00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:28,637
with a bunch of dates

844
00:31:28,637 --> 00:31:30,556
on masking tape.

845
00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:38,104
It's all this woman did

846
00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:38,104
was cook.

847
00:31:38,104 --> 00:31:40,357
My grandmother never had a job.

848
00:31:40,357 --> 00:31:42,776
She just cooked in the basement

849
00:31:42,776 --> 00:31:44,570
with a salmon-colored nightgown

850
00:31:44,570 --> 00:31:46,905
with her tits

851
00:31:44,570 --> 00:31:46,905
hanging out the side.

852
00:31:56,582 --> 00:31:59,585
Didn't even use a spoon.

853
00:31:56,582 --> 00:31:59,585
Just her hand.

854
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:07,885
Nylons up to the knee.

855
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:12,180
Her fat foot shoved

856
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:12,180
in a shoe.

857
00:32:13,766 --> 00:32:15,475
Little white shoe

858
00:32:13,766 --> 00:32:15,475
with a strap

859
00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:18,771
with the fat trying to escape

860
00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:18,771
any part of the shoe.

861
00:32:25,611 --> 00:32:28,405
My grandmother had

862
00:32:25,611 --> 00:32:28,405
so much sodium in her diet,

863
00:32:28,405 --> 00:32:30,908
she was constantly swollen.

864
00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:34,745
There was no allergies

865
00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:34,745
back then.

866
00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:37,956
You just ate the bread

867
00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:37,956
and just dealt with the rash.

868
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:48,383
Grandma didn't speak nothin'.

869
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:48,383
No English. Nothin'.

870
00:32:49,509 --> 00:32:51,010
She'd always come,

871
00:32:49,509 --> 00:32:51,010
you know,

872
00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:52,721
try to find me

873
00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:52,721
in the house.

874
00:32:52,721 --> 00:32:55,390
[imitates Italian]

875
00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:01,897
"I feed you meal.

876
00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:01,897
Come here.

877
00:33:01,897 --> 00:33:04,107
I got spare. I give it.

878
00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:06,234
Here take it.

879
00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:08,612
Take it. It for you."

880
00:33:08,612 --> 00:33:10,823
It's a dime.

881
00:33:25,128 --> 00:33:27,380
We called her Grandma.

882
00:33:25,128 --> 00:33:27,380
That was her name.

883
00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:28,632
Grandma.

884
00:33:28,632 --> 00:33:30,801
No stupid nickname

885
00:33:28,632 --> 00:33:30,801
for my grandmother.

886
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:35,597
Ever hear how people refer

887
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:35,597
to their grandparents?

888
00:33:35,597 --> 00:33:38,600
"Oh, this is my memaw

889
00:33:35,597 --> 00:33:38,600
and my peepaw." What?

890
00:33:45,691 --> 00:33:48,401
"This is my pee pee

891
00:33:45,691 --> 00:33:48,401
and my poo poo." Huh?

892
00:33:54,115 --> 00:33:57,911
The guy's 95 years old.

893
00:33:54,115 --> 00:33:57,911
He fought in World War II.

894
00:33:57,911 --> 00:34:01,790
Stormed the beach at Normandy.

895
00:33:57,911 --> 00:34:01,790
Now his name is Pee Pee?

896
00:34:01,790 --> 00:34:04,835
What are you doing

897
00:34:01,790 --> 00:34:04,835
to the man?

898
00:34:04,835 --> 00:34:07,671
Have some respect.

899
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:15,512
My grandfather was my hero.

900
00:34:15,512 --> 00:34:17,305
My grandfather

901
00:34:15,512 --> 00:34:17,305
could do anything.

902
00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:20,350
This guy had seven,

903
00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:20,350
eight different jobs.

904
00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:23,478
He could make you

905
00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:23,478
a pair of shoes overnight.

906
00:34:24,730 --> 00:34:26,982
What man could do that today,

907
00:34:26,982 --> 00:34:29,776
with the, "Hey, hey,

908
00:34:26,982 --> 00:34:29,776
how's your receivers?"

909
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:39,661
My grandfather just lived

910
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:39,661
in the yard like a man.

911
00:34:39,661 --> 00:34:43,999
Just... no shirt.

912
00:34:39,661 --> 00:34:43,999
No shirt on my grandfather.

913
00:34:43,999 --> 00:34:46,084
Just hair everywhere.

914
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:50,213
Coming off his shoulders

915
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:50,213
like a palm tree.

916
00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:55,218
Right out of his nipples

917
00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:55,218
like weeping willows.

918
00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:58,805
Just 12 inches of immigrant hair

919
00:34:58,805 --> 00:35:01,767
coming right out of his tits.

920
00:35:06,021 --> 00:35:08,857
He would sweat like a pig,

921
00:35:06,021 --> 00:35:08,857
my grandfather.

922
00:35:08,857 --> 00:35:10,400
He would do eight hours

923
00:35:08,857 --> 00:35:10,400
of yard work.

924
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:11,860
He would come back in.

925
00:35:11,860 --> 00:35:14,613
Within his chest hair

926
00:35:11,860 --> 00:35:14,613
were grass clippings,

927
00:35:14,613 --> 00:35:17,908
ants, twigs,

928
00:35:17,908 --> 00:35:20,827
dirt between the fat roll.

929
00:35:26,458 --> 00:35:28,126
He'd go right

930
00:35:26,458 --> 00:35:28,126
for the watermelon.

931
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:32,297
My grandfather, that's all

932
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:32,297
he did was eat watermelon.

933
00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:34,507
And the way he prepared it

934
00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:34,507
was a lot different

935
00:35:34,507 --> 00:35:36,009
than my American friends.

936
00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:38,386
When we went over to

937
00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:38,386
our American friend's house

938
00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:39,805
for watermelon,

939
00:35:39,805 --> 00:35:42,891
it was unbelievable,

940
00:35:39,805 --> 00:35:42,891
the presentation they did.

941
00:35:42,891 --> 00:35:45,602
The mother actually

942
00:35:42,891 --> 00:35:45,602
balled out the watermelon.

943
00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:48,730
She had a baller.

944
00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:48,730
Seedless watermelon.

945
00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:53,276
She took her time

946
00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:53,276
to make balls

947
00:35:53,276 --> 00:35:55,236
in a little Tupperware thing.

948
00:35:55,236 --> 00:35:56,571
And the kids would come in.

949
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:58,197
She would put out

950
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:58,197
the Tupperware

951
00:35:58,197 --> 00:36:01,534
with the balls with toothpicks.

952
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:03,745
So you'd come in,

953
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:03,745
you would get your toothpick,

954
00:36:03,745 --> 00:36:06,039
you would stab your ball.

955
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:11,128
"Oh, Mrs. Johnson, this

956
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:11,128
is really sweet watermelon.

957
00:36:11,128 --> 00:36:13,421
Where did you get that?"

958
00:36:13,421 --> 00:36:14,840
Not my grandfather.

959
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,175
He came to the table

960
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,175
with a large watermelon

961
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:21,013
with a serrated machete

962
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:21,013
hanging off his hip.

963
00:36:21,013 --> 00:36:23,473
Start cutting large triangles

964
00:36:21,013 --> 00:36:23,473
for the family.

965
00:36:23,473 --> 00:36:26,935
[imitates thudding]

966
00:36:23,473 --> 00:36:26,935
Heh, here ya are!

967
00:36:28,812 --> 00:36:31,064
[audience cheers]

968
00:36:36,903 --> 00:36:38,947
He would distribute triangles

969
00:36:38,947 --> 00:36:42,241
that no one could handle

970
00:36:38,947 --> 00:36:42,241
on paper plates.

971
00:36:42,241 --> 00:36:44,577
God knows why the hell

972
00:36:42,241 --> 00:36:44,577
they used paper plates

973
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:47,497
for watermelon.

974
00:36:47,497 --> 00:36:49,541
Ever watch your family

975
00:36:47,497 --> 00:36:49,541
eat watermelon?

976
00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:51,960
It's disgusting.

977
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,213
Seeds are flying

978
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,213
all over the table.

979
00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:57,799
You get hit in the head

980
00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:57,799
with a stray seed.

981
00:37:05,557 --> 00:37:07,600
So we're at this party.

982
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,268
I gotta go find my wife.

983
00:37:09,268 --> 00:37:12,397
Now my wife, I find her

984
00:37:09,268 --> 00:37:12,397
in a compliment circle

985
00:37:12,397 --> 00:37:14,107
with six other women.

986
00:37:14,107 --> 00:37:15,650
They're comparing notes.

987
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:18,028
They're complimenting

988
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:18,028
each other on the outfits.

989
00:37:18,028 --> 00:37:20,072
"Oh, are those gel nails?"

990
00:37:20,072 --> 00:37:23,116
"Yeah, they're gel nails.

991
00:37:23,116 --> 00:37:26,494
It's the bronzer.

992
00:37:23,116 --> 00:37:26,494
All the bronzer..."

993
00:37:27,996 --> 00:37:30,916
So I tell my wife, I go,

994
00:37:27,996 --> 00:37:30,916
"Get over here. Come here."

995
00:37:30,916 --> 00:37:32,167
I go, "We gotta

996
00:37:30,916 --> 00:37:32,167
get outta here.

997
00:37:32,167 --> 00:37:34,293
There's no food."

998
00:37:34,293 --> 00:37:35,754
She like, "What are you

999
00:37:34,293 --> 00:37:35,754
talking about?"

1000
00:37:35,754 --> 00:37:37,923
There's six chicken wings

1001
00:37:35,754 --> 00:37:37,923
and 33 people.

1002
00:37:37,923 --> 00:37:40,425
Can I have a wing?

1003
00:37:40,425 --> 00:37:42,385
I don't wanna have

1004
00:37:40,425 --> 00:37:42,385
to do math at a party.

1005
00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:44,637
I threw a barbecue last week.

1006
00:37:44,637 --> 00:37:47,390
12 burgers. 12 people.

1007
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:50,268
12 slices of tomato.

1008
00:37:50,268 --> 00:37:53,271
What if I want another slice?

1009
00:37:54,856 --> 00:37:58,276
I don't want to have to count

1010
00:37:54,856 --> 00:37:58,276
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

1011
00:37:58,276 --> 00:38:01,362
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

1012
00:38:01,362 --> 00:38:04,365
Can I have two, or am I

1013
00:38:01,362 --> 00:38:04,365
stealing from somebody else?

1014
00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:11,206
Well, my wife's Jewish.

1015
00:38:11,206 --> 00:38:15,376
A different, uh...

1016
00:38:11,206 --> 00:38:15,376
different culture.

1017
00:38:15,376 --> 00:38:17,170
When you marry

1018
00:38:15,376 --> 00:38:17,170
into a Jewish family,

1019
00:38:17,170 --> 00:38:18,713
I'm telling you, anything,

1020
00:38:18,713 --> 00:38:21,424
if you have any differences

1021
00:38:18,713 --> 00:38:21,424
in culture, religion,

1022
00:38:21,424 --> 00:38:22,592
it's an adjustment.

1023
00:38:22,592 --> 00:38:23,760
For example,

1024
00:38:22,592 --> 00:38:23,760
when we got married,

1025
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,804
we had a rabbi and a priest.

1026
00:38:25,804 --> 00:38:27,472
Total scam.

1027
00:38:28,932 --> 00:38:30,016
Total scam.

1028
00:38:30,016 --> 00:38:31,476
We met them at a restaurant.

1029
00:38:31,476 --> 00:38:33,311
They were gonna tell us

1030
00:38:31,476 --> 00:38:33,311
how the ceremony

1031
00:38:33,311 --> 00:38:34,646
was gonna work.

1032
00:38:34,646 --> 00:38:36,815
And the Jewish rabbi

1033
00:38:34,646 --> 00:38:36,815
was there very early.

1034
00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:39,818
Had a lot of paperwork

1035
00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:39,818
for us to sign.

1036
00:38:39,818 --> 00:38:42,862
Of course, my father,

1037
00:38:39,818 --> 00:38:42,862
"Don't sign nothing!

1038
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:49,661
You sign that,

1039
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:49,661
then you're Jewish."

1040
00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:08,387
We had an Italian priest.

1041
00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:08,387
He came 45 minutes late.

1042
00:39:10,307 --> 00:39:11,683
Didn't even look like a priest.

1043
00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:13,059
No collar. Nothing.

1044
00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:15,645
Everything unbuttoned.

1045
00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:15,645
Smelled phenomenal.

1046
00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:20,233
Hitting on my wife.

1047
00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:20,233
"Everything all right?"

1048
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:35,790
Now we get married.

1049
00:39:35,790 --> 00:39:37,667
My wife likes different things.

1050
00:39:37,667 --> 00:39:39,336
She likes shopping

1051
00:39:37,667 --> 00:39:39,336
different places.

1052
00:39:39,336 --> 00:39:41,671
She loves Whole Foods.

1053
00:39:39,336 --> 00:39:41,671
That's her store.

1054
00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:43,381
She sends me there

1055
00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:43,381
every once in a while.

1056
00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:44,674
Can't stand going in.

1057
00:39:44,674 --> 00:39:46,425
She goes, "Babe,

1058
00:39:44,674 --> 00:39:46,425
can you go to Whole--"

1059
00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:48,261
"I-- I-- I don't

1060
00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:48,261
wanna go there."

1061
00:39:48,261 --> 00:39:49,554
The people over there bother me.

1062
00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:50,930
You ever go to Whole Foods?

1063
00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:53,599
Everybody at Whole Foods

1064
00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:53,599
looks like

1065
00:39:53,599 --> 00:39:56,519
they make their own clothes.

1066
00:40:01,524 --> 00:40:04,485
Right? There's hemp clothing,

1067
00:40:01,524 --> 00:40:04,485
comes in two colors,

1068
00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:06,905
oatmeal and throw up.

1069
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:13,912
Everybody's eating seeds.

1070
00:40:22,003 --> 00:40:23,963
They get serious

1071
00:40:22,003 --> 00:40:23,963
when they ask a question.

1072
00:40:23,963 --> 00:40:25,298
They gotta hold their heart.

1073
00:40:25,298 --> 00:40:26,716
They come up

1074
00:40:25,298 --> 00:40:26,716
to the meat counter,

1075
00:40:26,716 --> 00:40:30,303
"Is it organic?

1076
00:40:26,716 --> 00:40:30,303
Is it farm to table?

1077
00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:34,015
Do the chickens

1078
00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:34,015
have friends

1079
00:40:34,015 --> 00:40:36,976
and do they play well

1080
00:40:34,015 --> 00:40:36,976
with one another?"

1081
00:40:42,982 --> 00:40:45,526
Gets weird. In the middle

1082
00:40:42,982 --> 00:40:45,526
of the store, it changes.

1083
00:40:45,526 --> 00:40:47,070
It goes from fruits

1084
00:40:45,526 --> 00:40:47,070
and vegetables

1085
00:40:47,070 --> 00:40:49,948
to soaps and potions.

1086
00:40:52,284 --> 00:40:54,369
Nobody knows what

1087
00:40:52,284 --> 00:40:54,369
they're doing in this section.

1088
00:40:54,369 --> 00:40:55,661
You just kind of end up

1089
00:40:54,369 --> 00:40:55,661
in there.

1090
00:40:55,661 --> 00:40:56,955
"Oh, wow.

1091
00:40:56,955 --> 00:40:59,082
I don't recognize

1092
00:40:56,955 --> 00:40:59,082
anything in here.

1093
00:40:59,082 --> 00:41:01,084
I gotta get out of here."

1094
00:41:04,379 --> 00:41:06,005
There's always a person

1095
00:41:04,379 --> 00:41:06,005
walking around

1096
00:41:06,005 --> 00:41:08,549
with a little vial,

1097
00:41:06,005 --> 00:41:08,549
trying to find,

1098
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:11,803
"What does this do?

1099
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:11,803
What is this?"

1100
00:41:11,803 --> 00:41:13,263
And some hippie

1101
00:41:11,803 --> 00:41:13,263
that works there

1102
00:41:13,263 --> 00:41:15,265
falls out

1103
00:41:13,263 --> 00:41:15,265
of the shelving unit.

1104
00:41:19,518 --> 00:41:23,022
"Well, that's argan oil.

1105
00:41:19,518 --> 00:41:23,022
That's argan oil.

1106
00:41:25,317 --> 00:41:26,901
It has multiple uses.

1107
00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:28,861
You could drizzle

1108
00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:28,861
a bit on your salads.

1109
00:41:28,861 --> 00:41:31,156
It helps with digestion.

1110
00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:33,491
Also, put some underneath

1111
00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:33,491
your nose.

1112
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:34,826
It opens up your nasal way.

1113
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:39,372
And lastly, if you have

1114
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:39,372
a rash on your asshole,

1115
00:41:39,372 --> 00:41:41,374
just pepper some in.

1116
00:41:41,374 --> 00:41:45,837
Just... Absolutely.

1117
00:41:45,837 --> 00:41:47,546
Preferably in the morning.

1118
00:41:47,546 --> 00:41:50,175
It clears up by the afternoon.

1119
00:41:50,175 --> 00:41:52,260
It's $8,000 for the vial.

1120
00:41:52,260 --> 00:41:54,846
Just check out, if you like."

1121
00:41:58,557 --> 00:42:01,686
The store is weird.

1122
00:42:01,686 --> 00:42:03,646
The problem is

1123
00:42:01,686 --> 00:42:03,646
everybody over there

1124
00:42:03,646 --> 00:42:05,773
thinks they're saving

1125
00:42:03,646 --> 00:42:05,773
the planet.

1126
00:42:05,773 --> 00:42:09,027
It's the big green movement

1127
00:42:05,773 --> 00:42:09,027
at Whole Foods.

1128
00:42:09,027 --> 00:42:10,611
And if you're doing

1129
00:42:09,027 --> 00:42:10,611
the green thing,

1130
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:13,114
God bless you. I've tried.

1131
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:13,114
It's just not for me.

1132
00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:15,116
It's... I've got friends

1133
00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,285
that brag

1134
00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,285
about how green they are.

1135
00:42:17,285 --> 00:42:19,620
You go to their house,

1136
00:42:17,285 --> 00:42:19,620
they're like, "Look at the--

1137
00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:21,956
Look at the light bulbs

1138
00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:21,956
in my-- in my kitchen.

1139
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:26,585
I'm saving, uh, 53%

1140
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:26,585
on my electricity bill

1141
00:42:26,585 --> 00:42:28,421
'cause I got green light bulbs."

1142
00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:31,549
I go, "Yeah? I can't see you.

1143
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:38,764
You are dim. You're dim."

1144
00:42:46,064 --> 00:42:48,191
Now, at Whole Foods,

1145
00:42:46,064 --> 00:42:48,191
they make you feel bad.

1146
00:42:48,191 --> 00:42:50,068
God forbid you get a bag.

1147
00:42:48,191 --> 00:42:50,068
I ask for a bag.

1148
00:42:50,068 --> 00:42:52,695
The guys says,

1149
00:42:50,068 --> 00:42:52,695
"Are you gonna take a...?

1150
00:42:54,072 --> 00:42:55,948
Take a bag

1151
00:42:54,072 --> 00:42:55,948
and destroy our planet?"

1152
00:42:55,948 --> 00:42:59,369
I go, "I don't know.

1153
00:42:55,948 --> 00:42:59,369
I got 93 items.

1154
00:42:59,369 --> 00:43:01,079
What do you want

1155
00:42:59,369 --> 00:43:01,079
me to do? Just--"

1156
00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:15,593
It's weird over there.

1157
00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:15,593
They got a masseuse.

1158
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:19,305
There's a masseuse propped up

1159
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:19,305
in the store just...

1160
00:43:19,305 --> 00:43:21,099
rubbing some guy's scapula.

1161
00:43:21,099 --> 00:43:23,142
What?

1162
00:43:23,142 --> 00:43:24,810
He don't even know

1163
00:43:23,142 --> 00:43:24,810
where to look.

1164
00:43:24,810 --> 00:43:27,355
He's trying to figure out,

1165
00:43:24,810 --> 00:43:27,355
"How the hell did I end up

1166
00:43:27,355 --> 00:43:30,858
at Whole Foods, massaging people

1167
00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:31,984
near the lavender chips?"

1168
00:43:31,984 --> 00:43:34,612
What...?

1169
00:43:34,612 --> 00:43:37,574
I've never told my wife, "Babe,

1170
00:43:34,612 --> 00:43:37,574
I gotta go get some grapes.

1171
00:43:37,574 --> 00:43:40,826
And I got a knot

1172
00:43:37,574 --> 00:43:40,826
in my neck so bad.

1173
00:43:40,826 --> 00:43:42,703
I hope he's in aisle eight."

1174
00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:49,461
So different, my wife and I.

1175
00:43:49,461 --> 00:43:51,421
My wife loves Halloween.

1176
00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:54,132
That's her, uh...

1177
00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:54,132
that's her deal.

1178
00:43:54,132 --> 00:43:56,509
She loves giving out

1179
00:43:54,132 --> 00:43:56,509
candy to the kids.

1180
00:43:56,509 --> 00:43:59,262
Now, my house,

1181
00:43:56,509 --> 00:43:59,262
before I met my wife,

1182
00:43:59,262 --> 00:44:02,140
dark on Halloween.

1183
00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:04,350
Shut the shit down.

1184
00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:09,897
But, you know,

1185
00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:09,897
you're married now.

1186
00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:11,857
You gotta,

1187
00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:11,857
"Oh, yeah, let's do it."

1188
00:44:12,858 --> 00:44:14,110
We get the bowl.

1189
00:44:14,110 --> 00:44:15,820
We get ready

1190
00:44:14,110 --> 00:44:15,820
for our trick-or-treaters.

1191
00:44:15,820 --> 00:44:17,863
I was into it at first.

1192
00:44:15,820 --> 00:44:17,863
I was into it.

1193
00:44:17,863 --> 00:44:19,907
I go, "Okay,

1194
00:44:17,863 --> 00:44:19,907
I'm gonna do this."

1195
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,118
So the kids start

1196
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,118
coming up to the door.

1197
00:44:22,118 --> 00:44:24,203
No outfits. Nothing.

1198
00:44:24,203 --> 00:44:26,831
No "trick-or-treat."

1199
00:44:32,962 --> 00:44:35,465
You put one in.

1200
00:44:32,962 --> 00:44:35,465
"That's it? That's it?"

1201
00:44:35,465 --> 00:44:37,300
"Yeah, that's it!"

1202
00:44:41,346 --> 00:44:44,432
I look on the sidewalk,

1203
00:44:41,346 --> 00:44:44,432
the parents are there.

1204
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:54,066
Both parents.

1205
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:54,066
The mother and the father.

1206
00:44:54,066 --> 00:44:56,944
The father's got a wagon, drunk.

1207
00:45:04,452 --> 00:45:06,454
All right, a keg in the thing.

1208
00:45:06,454 --> 00:45:07,788
Telling his kid,

1209
00:45:06,454 --> 00:45:07,788
"Get in. Get in.

1210
00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:09,499
We're going

1211
00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:09,499
to the next house."

1212
00:45:14,671 --> 00:45:16,214
Halloween brings out

1213
00:45:14,671 --> 00:45:16,214
the neighbors, though.

1214
00:45:16,214 --> 00:45:18,675
Man, my neighbors come out.

1215
00:45:18,675 --> 00:45:20,552
I'm not neighborly.

1216
00:45:18,675 --> 00:45:20,552
That's not me.

1217
00:45:20,552 --> 00:45:22,220
I don't, you know...

1218
00:45:20,552 --> 00:45:22,220
I'm friendly,

1219
00:45:22,220 --> 00:45:24,389
but I'm not neighborly.

1220
00:45:22,220 --> 00:45:24,389
I don't come out of my house

1221
00:45:24,389 --> 00:45:27,724
and wave if I see the guy

1222
00:45:24,389 --> 00:45:27,724
across the street.

1223
00:45:27,724 --> 00:45:28,934
You know,

1224
00:45:27,724 --> 00:45:28,934
you see a lot of people,

1225
00:45:28,934 --> 00:45:30,727
"Hey! Hi, Frank!

1226
00:45:30,727 --> 00:45:32,063
How's it going?

1227
00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:34,815
The lawn looks good.

1228
00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:34,815
Looks good."

1229
00:45:36,484 --> 00:45:38,611
That ain't me.

1230
00:45:36,484 --> 00:45:38,611
I come out of my house,

1231
00:45:38,611 --> 00:45:40,905
head down,

1232
00:45:38,611 --> 00:45:40,905
hop in the car.

1233
00:45:42,323 --> 00:45:44,992
Gone. Gone!

1234
00:45:47,662 --> 00:45:49,205
This woman across the street,

1235
00:45:49,205 --> 00:45:51,957
God... always in our business.

1236
00:45:51,957 --> 00:45:55,086
I can't stand her.

1237
00:45:51,957 --> 00:45:55,086
Can't stand her.

1238
00:45:55,086 --> 00:45:56,921
She was coming over.

1239
00:45:55,086 --> 00:45:56,921
I saw her through the window.

1240
00:45:56,921 --> 00:45:58,339
I said, "Look at this.

1241
00:45:56,921 --> 00:45:58,339
Here she comes.

1242
00:45:58,339 --> 00:46:01,217
Here she comes."

1243
00:46:01,217 --> 00:46:03,010
She comes over, she's like,

1244
00:46:01,217 --> 00:46:03,010
"I noticed you're not part

1245
00:46:03,010 --> 00:46:04,970
of the teal pumpkin program."

1246
00:46:06,639 --> 00:46:08,099
I said, "What's that?"

1247
00:46:08,099 --> 00:46:10,142
"Well, you paint

1248
00:46:08,099 --> 00:46:10,142
a pumpkin teal green

1249
00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:12,353
and that signifies

1250
00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:12,353
that your home hands out

1251
00:46:12,353 --> 00:46:13,563
non-food items.

1252
00:46:13,563 --> 00:46:15,189
So we are handing out

1253
00:46:13,563 --> 00:46:15,189
spider rings,

1254
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,191
necklaces, notepads."

1255
00:46:20,903 --> 00:46:24,282
I said, "Get the fuck

1256
00:46:20,903 --> 00:46:24,282
off my porch.

1257
00:46:24,282 --> 00:46:26,951
Go home.

1258
00:46:26,951 --> 00:46:28,827
Go."

1259
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:35,876
This is Halloween, I got

1260
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:35,876
Kit Kats and Snicker bars.

1261
00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:38,546
The city is handing out

1262
00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:38,546
notepads?

1263
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:42,133
Could you imagine a poor kid

1264
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:42,133
comes home with a notepad.

1265
00:46:42,133 --> 00:46:45,553
All of his buddies

1266
00:46:42,133 --> 00:46:45,553
are eating Reese's Pieces.

1267
00:46:45,553 --> 00:46:48,013
He's in the corner

1268
00:46:45,553 --> 00:46:48,013
taking note.

1269
00:46:57,231 --> 00:46:59,233
Even the way we do

1270
00:46:57,231 --> 00:46:59,233
vacations is different.

1271
00:46:59,233 --> 00:47:02,320
My wife loves activities

1272
00:46:59,233 --> 00:47:02,320
on vacation.

1273
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,656
I don't like that.

1274
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,656
I like to go--

1275
00:47:04,656 --> 00:47:05,948
My idea of vacation,

1276
00:47:05,948 --> 00:47:09,118
you eat, you drink,

1277
00:47:05,948 --> 00:47:09,118
you lay down.

1278
00:47:10,869 --> 00:47:12,871
Yeah, that's it.

1279
00:47:12,871 --> 00:47:14,915
[whistles]

1280
00:47:14,915 --> 00:47:17,627
I don't do tours.

1281
00:47:17,627 --> 00:47:21,046
You sign up for a tour

1282
00:47:17,627 --> 00:47:21,046
with the 16 strangers.

1283
00:47:22,715 --> 00:47:24,091
You see it around

1284
00:47:22,715 --> 00:47:24,091
New York City.

1285
00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:26,552
The Chinese

1286
00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:26,552
with the flags and...

1287
00:47:30,306 --> 00:47:33,976
"Follow the yellow flag

1288
00:47:30,306 --> 00:47:33,976
if you get lost."

1289
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,315
They all got

1290
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,315
their earmuffs on.

1291
00:47:39,315 --> 00:47:41,526
They're listening

1292
00:47:39,315 --> 00:47:41,526
to some recorded message.

1293
00:47:41,526 --> 00:47:43,695
"The Empire State Building

1294
00:47:41,526 --> 00:47:43,695
was built..."

1295
00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:50,827
I don't do that.

1296
00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:50,827
I don't do it.

1297
00:47:50,827 --> 00:47:54,121
So we planned the vacation.

1298
00:47:50,827 --> 00:47:54,121
We went to Turkey.

1299
00:47:54,121 --> 00:47:56,749
It was two years ago.

1300
00:47:54,121 --> 00:47:56,749
I recommend it.

1301
00:47:56,749 --> 00:47:58,167
Not now.

1302
00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:03,464
Even two years ago,

1303
00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:03,464
it was volatile.

1304
00:48:03,464 --> 00:48:06,342
We're watching the news,

1305
00:48:03,464 --> 00:48:06,342
a bomb went off

1306
00:48:06,342 --> 00:48:10,388
next to the hotel

1307
00:48:06,342 --> 00:48:10,388
that we were gonna stay at.

1308
00:48:10,388 --> 00:48:13,641
So we became concerned.

1309
00:48:10,388 --> 00:48:13,641
I called. I called Turkey.

1310
00:48:15,351 --> 00:48:16,769
I called the hotel.

1311
00:48:16,769 --> 00:48:19,689
I go, "Hi, uh, we're

1312
00:48:16,769 --> 00:48:19,689
a little concerned here.

1313
00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:23,860
Just saw that a bomb went off

1314
00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:23,860
next to the hotel."

1315
00:48:23,860 --> 00:48:25,695
And the guy's like,

1316
00:48:23,860 --> 00:48:25,695
"No, it...

1317
00:48:25,695 --> 00:48:28,489
Come on, it's to the side."

1318
00:48:28,489 --> 00:48:31,492
What?

1319
00:48:31,492 --> 00:48:33,786
"No, it... they don't come here.

1320
00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:36,622
We are eating tabbouleh,

1321
00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:36,622
and we are dancing

1322
00:48:36,622 --> 00:48:38,290
in the streets."

1323
00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:43,087
I go, "People are on fire

1324
00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:43,087
in front of your hotel.

1325
00:48:43,087 --> 00:48:45,715
Is it safe? Is it safe?"

1326
00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:50,386
So like idiots, we go.

1327
00:48:50,386 --> 00:48:53,097
"Oh, it'll be good.

1328
00:48:50,386 --> 00:48:53,097
It'll be good."

1329
00:48:53,097 --> 00:48:56,100
So my wife signs us up

1330
00:48:56,100 --> 00:48:57,894
for a Turkish bath.

1331
00:48:57,894 --> 00:49:01,731
I said, "Okay, that sounds...

1332
00:48:57,894 --> 00:49:01,731
How bad could a bath be?"

1333
00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:03,649
I said, "I'll go to that."

1334
00:49:04,525 --> 00:49:06,277
So we get there.

1335
00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:08,945
She goes to her side.

1336
00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:08,945
I go to my side.

1337
00:49:08,945 --> 00:49:11,657
I'm greeted

1338
00:49:08,945 --> 00:49:11,657
by a, uh, Turkish boy.

1339
00:49:11,657 --> 00:49:14,034
He's 14 years old.

1340
00:49:15,912 --> 00:49:17,705
He doesn't

1341
00:49:15,912 --> 00:49:17,705
speak English well, you know?

1342
00:49:17,705 --> 00:49:21,083
He comes up to me, he's like,

1343
00:49:17,705 --> 00:49:21,083
"Hello, my name is Hassan.

1344
00:49:21,083 --> 00:49:22,627
You-- you want to come?"

1345
00:49:22,627 --> 00:49:24,336
I go, "What?

1346
00:49:25,838 --> 00:49:27,715
I got the bath.

1347
00:49:27,715 --> 00:49:29,550
Where's the bath?"

1348
00:49:33,970 --> 00:49:36,474
So he takes me to,

1349
00:49:33,970 --> 00:49:36,474
like, a dressing room.

1350
00:49:36,474 --> 00:49:38,100
He gives me a towel.

1351
00:49:36,474 --> 00:49:38,100
It's not even a towel.

1352
00:49:38,100 --> 00:49:40,269
It's like a dish rag.

1353
00:49:42,313 --> 00:49:44,816
I like towels.

1354
00:49:42,313 --> 00:49:44,816
I like big towels.

1355
00:49:44,816 --> 00:49:47,526
A lot of excess

1356
00:49:44,816 --> 00:49:47,526
so I could tuck it.

1357
00:49:54,116 --> 00:49:56,911
It's like a dish rag.

1358
00:49:54,116 --> 00:49:56,911
I gotta hold it together.

1359
00:49:58,871 --> 00:50:01,081
So now I gotta come

1360
00:49:58,871 --> 00:50:01,081
into the waiting room.

1361
00:50:07,003 --> 00:50:10,382
I know my left nut's

1362
00:50:07,003 --> 00:50:10,382
hanging out for sure.

1363
00:50:16,221 --> 00:50:18,056
I see my boy.

1364
00:50:21,602 --> 00:50:23,980
<i>He's</i> got a towel on.

1365
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:30,695
Now I'm like,

1366
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:30,695
"Why are your nuts out and mine?

1367
00:50:30,695 --> 00:50:33,698
What is happening here?"

1368
00:50:34,699 --> 00:50:35,908
I'm trying to figure out,

1369
00:50:35,908 --> 00:50:37,910
did my wife check

1370
00:50:35,908 --> 00:50:37,910
the wrong box?

1371
00:50:37,910 --> 00:50:40,746
What's...?

1372
00:50:40,746 --> 00:50:42,623
Where's the tub?

1373
00:50:45,835 --> 00:50:49,129
Now he takes me, he goes,

1374
00:50:45,835 --> 00:50:49,129
"I'm going to wash."

1375
00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:52,257
I go, "Me? I..."

1376
00:50:52,257 --> 00:50:53,801
He goes, "Yes, I wash."

1377
00:50:53,801 --> 00:50:57,763
I go, "I thought this was,

1378
00:50:53,801 --> 00:50:57,763
like, a tub where you..."

1379
00:50:59,223 --> 00:51:00,933
And he takes me into a room.

1380
00:51:00,933 --> 00:51:03,477
It's a communal room

1381
00:51:00,933 --> 00:51:03,477
with men everywhere,

1382
00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:05,813
naked with suds,

1383
00:51:05,813 --> 00:51:09,984
and little boys

1384
00:51:05,813 --> 00:51:09,984
just scrubbing with mitts.

1385
00:51:09,984 --> 00:51:12,778
I go, "God, is this

1386
00:51:09,984 --> 00:51:12,778
on my plan?"

1387
00:51:14,279 --> 00:51:15,865
What?

1388
00:51:20,118 --> 00:51:23,288
He takes me to the side,

1389
00:51:20,118 --> 00:51:23,288
he sits me on a tuffet.

1390
00:51:27,459 --> 00:51:28,878
He's looking right at me,

1391
00:51:28,878 --> 00:51:31,213
and he's got

1392
00:51:28,878 --> 00:51:31,213
a little pail of water.

1393
00:51:31,213 --> 00:51:33,925
And he starts chucking it

1394
00:51:31,213 --> 00:51:33,925
at my face, just--

1395
00:51:39,055 --> 00:51:40,973
I felt like I was

1396
00:51:39,055 --> 00:51:40,973
getting waterboarded.

1397
00:51:40,973 --> 00:51:43,935
I was ready to tell this kid

1398
00:51:40,973 --> 00:51:43,935
my deepest secrets.

1399
00:51:45,269 --> 00:51:47,813
Just, "Don't, don't, don't."

1400
00:51:50,482 --> 00:51:52,359
Then he takes me to a room.

1401
00:51:52,359 --> 00:51:54,904
Small. I go, "Oh, God,

1402
00:51:52,359 --> 00:51:54,904
what's this all about?"

1403
00:51:54,904 --> 00:51:56,530
It's a massage table.

1404
00:51:56,530 --> 00:51:59,575
He lays me down.

1405
00:51:56,530 --> 00:51:59,575
Puts my head in the donut.

1406
00:51:59,575 --> 00:52:00,993
Starts working my shoulders.

1407
00:52:00,993 --> 00:52:04,413
Now, I'm sitting there,

1408
00:52:00,993 --> 00:52:04,413
I'm looking at his feet.

1409
00:52:04,413 --> 00:52:07,123
And after two minutes,

1410
00:52:04,413 --> 00:52:07,123
the feet disappear.

1411
00:52:07,123 --> 00:52:08,751
I'm like, "What the...?"

1412
00:52:08,751 --> 00:52:11,253
The guy hopped up on the bed.

1413
00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:26,142
His testicles were on my neck.

1414
00:52:37,362 --> 00:52:40,741
Now he takes me

1415
00:52:37,362 --> 00:52:40,741
back to the locker room.

1416
00:52:40,741 --> 00:52:44,120
Everybody in there,

1417
00:52:40,741 --> 00:52:44,120
every man in there is ashamed.

1418
00:52:46,872 --> 00:52:48,874
Everybody's just dressing

1419
00:52:46,872 --> 00:52:48,874
themselves.

1420
00:52:48,874 --> 00:52:51,543
Nobody's making eye contact.

1421
00:53:04,682 --> 00:53:05,975
So I come out. I see my wife.

1422
00:53:05,975 --> 00:53:08,894
She's beautiful.

1423
00:53:05,975 --> 00:53:08,894
God, she's glowing.

1424
00:53:08,894 --> 00:53:10,312
Smile. She's like, "God,

1425
00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:12,564
that was so amazing.

1426
00:53:14,483 --> 00:53:17,319
It's one of the best

1427
00:53:14,483 --> 00:53:17,319
experiences of my life.

1428
00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:21,239
How was yours?"

1429
00:53:21,239 --> 00:53:24,785
I go, "I was just raped

1430
00:53:21,239 --> 00:53:24,785
by a 14-year-old monkey.

1431
00:53:29,540 --> 00:53:32,918
I wanna go home.

1432
00:53:29,540 --> 00:53:32,918
I wanna go home."

1433
00:53:40,342 --> 00:53:42,678
But I love this.

1434
00:53:40,342 --> 00:53:42,678
I love doing this.

1435
00:53:42,678 --> 00:53:46,222
It's taken me a lot

1436
00:53:42,678 --> 00:53:46,222
of different places.

1437
00:53:46,222 --> 00:53:48,684
I performed in Italy recently.

1438
00:53:48,684 --> 00:53:49,810
-It was a-- It was a--

1439
00:53:48,684 --> 00:53:49,810
-[audience cheers]

1440
00:53:49,810 --> 00:53:51,311
Yeah, beautiful.

1441
00:53:52,938 --> 00:53:54,065
And I took my wife,

1442
00:53:54,065 --> 00:53:55,482
and we went,

1443
00:53:54,065 --> 00:53:55,482
it was in Tuscany.

1444
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:58,360
Now, we check in

1445
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:58,360
to our hotel room.

1446
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:01,197
We go to the pool, start

1447
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:01,197
looking around the pool.

1448
00:54:01,197 --> 00:54:03,281
See a beautiful couple

1449
00:54:01,197 --> 00:54:03,281
come down.

1450
00:54:03,281 --> 00:54:05,034
Beautiful couple

1451
00:54:03,281 --> 00:54:05,034
just on their honeymoon.

1452
00:54:05,034 --> 00:54:06,911
You could tell

1453
00:54:05,034 --> 00:54:06,911
they had recently married.

1454
00:54:06,911 --> 00:54:08,079
Stunning.

1455
00:54:08,079 --> 00:54:09,955
The woman

1456
00:54:08,079 --> 00:54:09,955
was well put together.

1457
00:54:09,955 --> 00:54:13,209
Had a nice sun hat on.

1458
00:54:09,955 --> 00:54:13,209
Big brim, nice wedge.

1459
00:54:16,962 --> 00:54:18,463
Ladies, get yourself

1460
00:54:16,962 --> 00:54:18,463
a nice wedge

1461
00:54:18,463 --> 00:54:20,883
for the pool deck.

1462
00:54:20,883 --> 00:54:22,467
Had a nice

1463
00:54:20,883 --> 00:54:22,467
see through sash.

1464
00:54:22,467 --> 00:54:25,470
Beautiful.

1465
00:54:22,467 --> 00:54:25,470
Just blew in the wind.

1466
00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:29,225
Guy had a nice

1467
00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:29,225
swim trunk on.

1468
00:54:29,225 --> 00:54:30,976
Right here. Mid-thigh.

1469
00:54:29,225 --> 00:54:30,976
Guys, get yourself

1470
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:33,478
a nice trunk

1471
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:33,478
for the season.

1472
00:54:33,478 --> 00:54:37,233
You seen some of these men,

1473
00:54:33,478 --> 00:54:37,233
they wear this, uh, swim suit

1474
00:54:37,233 --> 00:54:41,070
down to the--

1475
00:54:37,233 --> 00:54:41,070
What are you wearing? Slacks?

1476
00:54:41,070 --> 00:54:42,738
They get out of the pool,

1477
00:54:41,070 --> 00:54:42,738
half of the pool's

1478
00:54:42,738 --> 00:54:45,032
caught in their legs.

1479
00:54:51,122 --> 00:54:52,372
So they get into the pool.

1480
00:54:52,372 --> 00:54:53,582
They start to swim as a couple.

1481
00:54:53,582 --> 00:54:55,876
I've never seen

1482
00:54:53,582 --> 00:54:55,876
anything like it.

1483
00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:57,377
She's doing the breaststroke.

1484
00:54:57,377 --> 00:54:58,712
Just...

1485
00:55:01,381 --> 00:55:03,383
The guy's doing the butterfly.

1486
00:55:11,391 --> 00:55:13,144
You know how confident

1487
00:55:11,391 --> 00:55:13,144
you have to be

1488
00:55:13,144 --> 00:55:15,813
to pull off the butterfly?

1489
00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:18,523
I've never seen the butterfly

1490
00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:18,523
outside the Olympics.

1491
00:55:18,523 --> 00:55:22,903
This guy is doing

1492
00:55:18,523 --> 00:55:22,903
a recreational butterfly

1493
00:55:22,903 --> 00:55:24,947
on his honeymoon.

1494
00:55:24,947 --> 00:55:26,740
You know how violent that is?

1495
00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:29,785
The entire pool

1496
00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:29,785
looks like a Jacuzzi.

1497
00:55:30,869 --> 00:55:32,579
Kids are drowned.

1498
00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:42,965
Then I'm looking at these kids.

1499
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:45,383
I don't even know what

1500
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:45,383
they're wearing, these kids.

1501
00:55:45,383 --> 00:55:48,470
They're covered from head

1502
00:55:45,383 --> 00:55:48,470
to toe, eight-year-old kid.

1503
00:55:48,470 --> 00:55:50,722
He's got long sleeves on.

1504
00:55:48,470 --> 00:55:50,722
He's got a hat

1505
00:55:50,722 --> 00:55:53,725
with flaps over his ears.

1506
00:55:53,725 --> 00:55:57,688
SPF 30,000. What the hell?

1507
00:55:57,688 --> 00:55:59,564
The kid looks like a mime.

1508
00:56:06,864 --> 00:56:09,283
He's got every apparatus on

1509
00:56:06,864 --> 00:56:09,283
known to man,

1510
00:56:09,283 --> 00:56:12,494
a breathing tube,

1511
00:56:09,283 --> 00:56:12,494
goggles, flippers.

1512
00:56:12,494 --> 00:56:14,830
What are you looking for?

1513
00:56:14,830 --> 00:56:17,333
It's a pool.

1514
00:56:14,830 --> 00:56:17,333
There's no coral.

1515
00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:20,752
I had none of this growing up.

1516
00:56:20,752 --> 00:56:23,588
I asked my father, "Dad, I wanna

1517
00:56:20,752 --> 00:56:23,588
look underneath the water."

1518
00:56:23,588 --> 00:56:26,424
"Open up your eyes!"

1519
00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:36,018
By the end of the vacation,

1520
00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:36,018
I was blind,

1521
00:56:36,018 --> 00:56:37,269
I couldn't see shit.

1522
00:56:47,363 --> 00:56:49,447
So they stopped swimming.

1523
00:56:49,447 --> 00:56:51,242
The guy's out of breath.

1524
00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:52,701
I'm looking at him,

1525
00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:52,701
he got long hair.

1526
00:56:52,701 --> 00:56:54,203
The type of hair

1527
00:56:52,701 --> 00:56:54,203
you gotta dip in the pool,

1528
00:56:54,203 --> 00:56:55,453
then flip back.

1529
00:56:55,453 --> 00:56:57,122
Oh, God, soon as I saw that,

1530
00:56:57,122 --> 00:56:58,665
I pat my wife, I go,

1531
00:56:57,122 --> 00:56:58,665
"We gotta meet this guy.

1532
00:56:58,665 --> 00:57:01,459
This guy's sensational."

1533
00:57:03,795 --> 00:57:05,547
But I don't know if you

1534
00:57:03,795 --> 00:57:05,547
ever talked to somebody

1535
00:57:05,547 --> 00:57:07,632
so magnificent before

1536
00:57:07,632 --> 00:57:08,926
that you have nothing to share.

1537
00:57:08,926 --> 00:57:10,761
I had nothing to tell this guy.

1538
00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:13,264
This guy had

1539
00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:13,264
multiple careers at 16.

1540
00:57:13,264 --> 00:57:14,848
He played in the French Open.

1541
00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:17,935
At 32, he had a big law firm.

1542
00:57:17,935 --> 00:57:19,561
Now he's running

1543
00:57:17,935 --> 00:57:19,561
a big hedge fund.

1544
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:22,356
Then he tells us,

1545
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:22,356
"We summer in Capri.

1546
00:57:22,356 --> 00:57:25,150
Where do you summer?"

1547
00:57:25,150 --> 00:57:26,902
"Our backyard."

1548
00:57:25,150 --> 00:57:26,902
I don't know what the hell

1549
00:57:26,902 --> 00:57:29,446
you're talking about.

1550
00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:32,490
We take a week off a year.

1551
00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:32,490
You got the summers?

1552
00:57:34,576 --> 00:57:36,245
[woman yells]

1553
00:57:36,245 --> 00:57:37,913
What's that?

1554
00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:46,338
This is not the title

1555
00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:46,338
of this one,

1556
00:57:46,338 --> 00:57:48,506
but aren't you embarrassed?

1557
00:57:48,506 --> 00:57:51,218
[audience cheers]

1558
00:58:02,354 --> 00:58:04,106
While we were there,

1559
00:58:02,354 --> 00:58:04,106
we found out

1560
00:58:04,106 --> 00:58:07,692
that Andrea Bocelli

1561
00:58:04,106 --> 00:58:07,692
was performing in Tuscany.

1562
00:58:07,692 --> 00:58:08,819
Anybody know who this is?

1563
00:58:08,819 --> 00:58:10,862
Okay.

1564
00:58:10,862 --> 00:58:12,781
So we got the tickets.

1565
00:58:12,781 --> 00:58:15,867
We got soaked

1566
00:58:12,781 --> 00:58:15,867
on the tickets, okay?

1567
00:58:15,867 --> 00:58:17,661
Let me tell you something

1568
00:58:15,867 --> 00:58:17,661
about tickets

1569
00:58:17,661 --> 00:58:18,870
'cause I've been

1570
00:58:17,661 --> 00:58:18,870
getting a lot,

1571
00:58:18,870 --> 00:58:20,538
especially from

1572
00:58:18,870 --> 00:58:20,538
the New York show.

1573
00:58:20,538 --> 00:58:23,250
"This is ridiculous.

1574
00:58:23,250 --> 00:58:25,419
They're $700 a ticket."

1575
00:58:25,419 --> 00:58:27,754
I don't have any control

1576
00:58:27,754 --> 00:58:32,343
on the fucking

1577
00:58:27,754 --> 00:58:32,343
ticket price.

1578
00:58:32,343 --> 00:58:35,262
Okay? I put them on sale,

1579
00:58:32,343 --> 00:58:35,262
they gobble them up.

1580
00:58:35,262 --> 00:58:36,430
And people sell them.

1581
00:58:36,430 --> 00:58:38,307
That's why they're

1582
00:58:36,430 --> 00:58:38,307
so damn much.

1583
00:58:38,307 --> 00:58:39,475
You think I would do that?

1584
00:58:39,475 --> 00:58:41,810
I don't do that.

1585
00:58:43,728 --> 00:58:45,022
So I got it on the other end.

1586
00:58:45,022 --> 00:58:46,606
I got the Bocelli tickets.

1587
00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:51,111
When I heard the price,

1588
00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:51,111
inside my body was a shock,

1589
00:58:51,111 --> 00:58:53,197
but I had to act

1590
00:58:51,111 --> 00:58:53,197
like it was nothing.

1591
00:58:53,197 --> 00:58:54,365
You ever get, you know, like,

1592
00:58:54,365 --> 00:58:56,074
"Yeah, no, that's all right."

1593
00:58:56,074 --> 00:58:57,742
And then I gotta tell my wife,

1594
00:58:56,074 --> 00:58:57,742
"Don't eat for three days."

1595
00:58:57,742 --> 00:58:59,411
Here you go.

1596
00:59:03,332 --> 00:59:05,209
So we go.

1597
00:59:06,460 --> 00:59:07,711
It's beautiful.

1598
00:59:07,711 --> 00:59:09,880
I couldn't-- I mean,

1599
00:59:07,711 --> 00:59:09,880
it was outside.

1600
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:12,966
8,000 people

1601
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:12,966
in the middle of Tuscany.

1602
00:59:12,966 --> 00:59:14,843
Rolling hills all around us.

1603
00:59:14,843 --> 00:59:17,971
We sit down, the guy comes out,

1604
00:59:17,971 --> 00:59:21,558
gives us two hours,

1605
00:59:17,971 --> 00:59:21,558
singing his life out.

1606
00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:23,018
Ends the concert.

1607
00:59:23,018 --> 00:59:25,770
Me and my wife start to leave.

1608
00:59:25,770 --> 00:59:28,065
We walk down a gravel road.

1609
00:59:28,065 --> 00:59:30,734
We're holding hands.

1610
00:59:28,065 --> 00:59:30,734
Everybody's exiting

1611
00:59:30,734 --> 00:59:32,110
just talking about the show.

1612
00:59:32,110 --> 00:59:34,196
That's what you do.

1613
00:59:32,110 --> 00:59:34,196
You go see a show,

1614
00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:37,115
and you talk about it

1615
00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:37,115
on the way out.

1616
00:59:37,115 --> 00:59:38,534
You're gonna do it tonight.

1617
00:59:37,115 --> 00:59:38,534
You're gonna go,

1618
00:59:38,534 --> 00:59:40,952
"Oh, he was all right.

1619
00:59:38,534 --> 00:59:40,952
He was all right.

1620
00:59:40,952 --> 00:59:43,914
You wanna get

1621
00:59:40,952 --> 00:59:43,914
some ice cream or something?"

1622
00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:48,710
So me and my wife,

1623
00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:51,255
holding hands, walking down

1624
00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:51,255
the gravel road.

1625
00:59:51,255 --> 00:59:53,882
Now coming towards us

1626
00:59:51,255 --> 00:59:53,882
is a guy telling people

1627
00:59:53,882 --> 00:59:56,093
to get the hell

1628
00:59:53,882 --> 00:59:56,093
out of the way.

1629
00:59:56,093 --> 01:00:00,889
Behind them is Bocelli

1630
00:59:56,093 --> 01:00:00,889
on a white horse.

1631
01:00:08,188 --> 01:00:10,774
The guy's blind.

1632
01:00:13,777 --> 01:00:16,738
There's no safety code.

1633
01:00:16,738 --> 01:00:19,116
No city ordinance in Italy.

1634
01:00:19,116 --> 01:00:23,954
The guy's blind, riding a horse

1635
01:00:23,954 --> 01:00:28,166
through 8,000 people.

1636
01:00:23,954 --> 01:00:28,166
Nobody said shit.

1637
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:32,546
Could you imagine tonight

1638
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:32,546
if I had a white stallion

1639
01:00:32,546 --> 01:00:35,799
out front

1640
01:00:32,546 --> 01:00:35,799
and took it down Broadway?

1641
01:00:38,093 --> 01:00:39,844
I'd get pulled over

1642
01:00:38,093 --> 01:00:39,844
at the light.

1643
01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:42,973
"What the fuck

1644
01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:42,973
are you doing?"

1645
01:00:42,973 --> 01:00:46,351
"Nah, I saw Bocelli

1646
01:00:42,973 --> 01:00:46,351
do it in Tuscany."

1647
01:00:46,351 --> 01:00:49,813
God bless you.

1648
01:00:46,351 --> 01:00:49,813
You guys have been great.

1649
01:00:49,813 --> 01:00:51,565
Thanks for coming out.

1650
01:00:53,525 --> 01:00:55,986
I had a blast.

1651
01:00:55,986 --> 01:00:58,614
A blast.

1652
01:00:55,986 --> 01:00:58,614
Thank you so much.

1653
01:01:00,365 --> 01:01:03,368
So nice. So nice.

1654
01:01:03,368 --> 01:01:04,495
Love it.

1655
01:01:04,495 --> 01:01:08,081
[electronic music playing]