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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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- I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE
TO DO THIS TO PERFORM,

4
00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:22,923
BUT IT'S GOTTEN ME
THIS FAR.

5
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:25,626
all: YOU'RE BAD. YOU'RE BAD.
YOU'RE VERY, VERY BAD.

6
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,828
- THANKS, GUYS.

7
00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:30,898
CAN YOU CLEAR ALL THIS
OUT OF HERE?

8
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,633
[sighs]

9
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:35,303
[indistinct chatter]

10
00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:37,105
MOTHER, THANK YOU
FOR EVERYTHING.

11
00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:39,107
- I HOPE YOU GET MARRIED
AND DON'T DIE ALONE.

12
00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:42,042
[indistinct chatter]

13
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,879
- FATHER, I JUST--
I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU.

14
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,815
- REALLY GREAT.

15
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,583
- MELODY DUGGAN,
MY HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA TEACHER,

16
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,952
I CREDIT MY SUCCESS
TO YOUR BRILLIANCE AS A TEACHER.

17
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,854
- YOU WERE A PUSSY
IN HIGH SCHOOL.

18
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,823
YOU'LL BE A PUSSY FOREVER.

19
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,591
- WEIRD ONE.

20
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,393
NICK VATTEROTT, THANK YOU
FOR EVERYTHING, MAN.

21
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,494
- DID YOU GO UP YET?

22
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,096
- NO, MAN, I'M--
- RIGHT ON.

23
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:04,632
ALL RIGHT.
HAVE A GOOD SET, DUDE.

24
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,434
- IS THIS--OH.

25
00:01:06,434 --> 00:01:08,436
ACTUALLY, I WENT THE WRONG WAY.

26
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,603
- GREAT SET, MAN.

27
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:10,938
- I HAVEN'T GONE UP YET.

28
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,273
- SUPER FUNNY.

29
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:14,775
[indistinct chatter]

30
00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:18,212
- FATHER--

31
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,547
- T.J., I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

32
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,215
YOU COULDN'T FIND THE DOOR
TO THIS ONE.

33
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:24,017
- MOM, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I DID ANY OF THIS.

34
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:27,388
[upbeat hip-hop music]

35
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,757
- * T.J. MILLER, T.J. MILLER

36
00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,559
* T-T-T-T-T-T-T

37
00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:32,693
* T.J. MILLER

38
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:35,196
* T.J. MILLER, T.J. MILLER

39
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:38,199
*

40
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:41,135
[cheers and applause]

41
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:58,085
- WHAT THE FUCK IS UP,
COLORADO, HUH?

42
00:01:58,085 --> 00:02:00,688
[cheers and applause]

43
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:03,491
I THINK THAT'S A GOOD WAY
TO START THINGS OFF, YEAH?

44
00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,459
HEY, GUYS, THANKS FOR COMING.

45
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,795
THIS GUY, TOTALLY UNIMPRESSED.

46
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:11,064
FROM THE VERY START,
NEVER CLAPPED, NOTHING.

47
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:13,201
JUST SO HIGH.

48
00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,235
HE JUST TURNED
TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.

49
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:17,371
HE'S LIKE, "WHO IS THIS?

50
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:20,007
"WHY DOES THIS COMEDIAN
KEEP LOOKING DIFFERENT

51
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:24,077
EACH TIME I BLINK?"

52
00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:25,479
NICE.

53
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:28,382
YOU GOT YOUR OREGON HOODIE ON.
THAT'S GOOD.

54
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:32,320
ARE YOU AWARE OF THE STATE
THAT YOU'RE IN, OR NO?

55
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,222
LET'S START IT OFF.
READY?

56
00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,557
I SAY, "HEY," YOU SAY, "HO."
HEY.

57
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:37,558
all: HO!

58
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:38,659
- NOT EVERYBODY.
JUST YOU.

59
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:42,162
READY?

60
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,231
HEY.
- HO.

61
00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:44,932
- HEY.
- HO.

62
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,967
- HE'S GOOD.

63
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,469
THAT WAS GOOD.
YOU'RE A GOOD HO.

64
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:49,403
I MEAN, YOU'RE--

65
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:59,079
OH, THIS IS GREAT.

66
00:02:59,079 --> 00:03:02,550
THAT'S EXCITING, RIGHT?
OUR NATION'S CAPITOL.

67
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,117
THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

68
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,387
I THROW UP IN THE STREET A LOT.
I LIKE TO DRINK.

69
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:07,821
AND I GET HUNGOVER.

70
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,723
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE HUNGOVER
AND YOU'RE LIKE,

71
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:13,561
"I AM DEFINITELY
GONNA VOMIT TODAY...

72
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:16,764
BUT I WONDER IF I CAN MAKE IT
TO BREAKFAST FIRST"?

73
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,434
SO I ROLLED THE DICE.

74
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,470
I WAS INCORRECT IN MY ASSERTION.

75
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,938
I KNOW THIS,
'CAUSE I MADE THAT SOUND

76
00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:26,740
THAT YOU MAKE WHEN
YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA VOMIT.

77
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,009
YOU KNOW, WHEN THERE'S
NO DECISION LEFT?

78
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:30,611
IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS:

79
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:33,447
[retching violently]

80
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:36,116
YOU KNOW?

81
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:38,452
THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM.

82
00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:41,289
WHICH IS THE GREAT THING
ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY TOO.

83
00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:43,190
NOT ONLY IS VOMITING
DISGUSTING,

84
00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:46,727
WE GET TO LOOK LIKE A HUNGRY
BABY BIRD RIGHT BEFOREHAND.

85
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:49,297
[retching violently]

86
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:52,032
"FEED ME, MOTHER!"

87
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,867
IT'S A BRITISH BIRD,
PERHAPS A NIGHTINGALE.

88
00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:59,239
WHAT WAS DIFFERENT ABOUT
THIS TIME IS,

89
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,642
RIGHT AS I BEGAN TO VOMIT,
LIKE, RIGHT AS I WAS LIKE:

90
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:02,910
[retching violently]

91
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,878
I TURNED, AND I MADE EYE CONTACT
WITH A WOMAN

92
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:07,481
SITTING ACROSS THE STREET
AT A STARBUCKS.

93
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:13,854
AND THEN I HELD EYE CONTACT
AS I VOMITED.

94
00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:22,530
WHICH IS TERRIBLE.

95
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:25,499
FOR HER MOSTLY.

96
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,701
'CAUSE I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER,
YOU KNOW,

97
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:31,872
BECAUSE HER MORNING
STARTED OFF SUCCESSFULLY.

98
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,707
YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT WEARING
THE CLOTHING SHE WAS IN

99
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,042
THE NIGHT BEFORE.

100
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,243
SHE'S UP ON TIME.

101
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:37,411
SHE'S PROBABLY THINKING
TO HERSELF,

102
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:40,914
"WELL, ANOTHER
SUCCESSFUL MORNING.

103
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:43,216
"SIPPING A FRAPPE LATTE.
WHAT DO THEY ALWAYS SAY?

104
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:46,587
"EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO HAVE
THE WORMS IN YOUR HOUSE.

105
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:49,323
"I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT CLICHES,

106
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:51,425
"OR AT LEAST THE PERSON
IMPERSONATING ME ISN'T.

107
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:56,930
"IT'S A REAL POINT
OF INSECURITY FOR HIM.

108
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,299
"BUT AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE
AN AWKWARD INTERACTION WITH--

109
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:02,636
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT BABY
BIRD OF A MAN OVER THERE?"

110
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:03,771
THEN SHE JUST SEES ME LIKE:

111
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,707
[retching violently]

112
00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:16,650
I ALSO WALK LIKE A ZOMBIE
WHEN I VOMIT.

113
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,658
BUT I FEEL BAD FOR HER,
YOU KNOW?

114
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,394
'CAUSE WHAT'S GOING ON
IN HER REALITY?

115
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:29,196
SHE'S GOT TO GO HOME
AND CALL HER FRIENDS, RIGHT?

116
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,298
SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE CONTEXT.

117
00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:33,467
SHE JUST CALLS.
SHE GOES, "OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

118
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:36,203
"I WAS SO UGLY THIS MORNING.

119
00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,472
I MADE A MAN VOMIT."

120
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:49,650
I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK THAT,
YOU KNOW?

121
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:50,718
RIGHT?
WOULDN'T YOU FEEL BAD?

122
00:05:57,024 --> 00:06:00,060
SORRY, I JUST MADE IT AWKWARD,
DIDN'T I?

123
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,061
I DO THAT A LOT.

124
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:02,430
WHEN I MAKE EYE CONTACT

125
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,131
WITH PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE,
I'LL HOLD IT.

126
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,900
LIKE, I'LL TALK TO SOMEBODY,
AND THEN I'LL FINISH TALKING,

127
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:10,337
BUT I WON'T LOOK AWAY...

128
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:11,338
UNTIL THEN.

129
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:13,574
THAT'S WEIRD.

130
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,008
THAT'S A WEIRD THING,
AND NOW I MADE IT ALL--

131
00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:16,877
I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE--
YOU CAME TO THE SHOW.

132
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:19,413
I APPRECIATE IT.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT WEIRD.

133
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,381
IN FACT, IF I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU FROM NOW ON,

134
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,950
I'LL LOOK AT HER.

135
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,352
IS THAT OKAY?

136
00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:28,055
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

137
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,624
IF I WANT TO TALK TO YOU,
I'LL LOOK AT HER.

138
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:34,327
IS THAT OKAY?

139
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,229
[laughs]

140
00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:41,334
YOU'RE CRYING,
DID YOU JUST COME FROM--

141
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,236
WHY ARE YOU
EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT?

142
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,805
THAT'D BE SO AWFUL
IF I WAS LIKE,

143
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,306
"WHY ARE YOU CRYING
AT THE SHOW, HUH?

144
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,709
"YOU'RE CRYING FROM LAUGHING?
GET OUT OF HERE.

145
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:51,945
GO SMOKE POT IN HIS VAN."

146
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,848
[applause]

147
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,318
I LIKE THE IDEA THAT MAYBE
YOU GUYS ARE APPLAUDING

148
00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:01,154
THAT HE MIGHT HAVE A VAN.

149
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,856
LIKE, "YEAH, LET'S HOPE HE DOES.

150
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,893
"YEAH, THEN HE HAS A PLACE
TO LIVE...

151
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,664
AND LURE CHILDREN."

152
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,536
DID YOU KNOW THAT, ACTUALLY--
THIS IS TRUE.

153
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:19,840
THIS AREA OF COLORADO
RIGHT AROUND HERE IN BOULDER

154
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:23,577
HAS THE HIGHEST CASES
OF PEDOPHILIA PER CAPITA

155
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:25,012
OF ANYWHERE ELSE
IN COLORADO.

156
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,246
DID YOU KNOW THAT?

157
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:27,881
THAT'S TRUE.
I READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA.

158
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:29,049
I MEAN, I PUT IT IN THERE,

159
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,318
BUT I READ IT
RIGHT AFTERWARDS...

160
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:34,154
AS AN OPEN-SOURCE CODING CHECK.

161
00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:42,563
I DO, I CREEP PEOPLE OUT A LOT.

162
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,031
I DON'T MEAN TO AT ALL.

163
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,266
I REALIZED RECENTLY
THAT SOMETIMES WHEN I'M EXCITED

164
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:48,268
ABOUT SOMETHING, AFTER I SAY IT,
I'LL GO LIKE THIS...

165
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,774
DON'T EVER DO THAT.

166
00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,709
THAT MAKES ANYTHING
YOU'RE SAYING SOUND,

167
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,145
LIKE,
MALICIOUS OR WITH MALINTENT.

168
00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,446
WATCH, I'LL SHOW YOU.

169
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:01,014
"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING
AFTER THE SHOW?"

170
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,387
WHAT DO I WANT TO DO TO THEM
AFTER THE SHOW, YOU KNOW?

171
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,256
"HEY, MAN, CAN I BORROW
A STICK OF GUM?"

172
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:15,328
THAT GUM AIN'T FOR CHEWING.

173
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,764
EVEN NICE THINGS.

174
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,966
"KAREN, CONGRATULATIONS.
I HEARD YOU'RE PREGNANT."

175
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,071
WHAT AM I GONNA DO,
GO UP THERE AND GET IT?

176
00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:31,579
AND I HAVE A FRIEND.
HE CREEPS ME OUT.

177
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:34,314
TELL ME IF YOU HAVE ANYBODY
LIKE THIS.

178
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,283
HE WINKS AT ME A LOT.
LIKE, TOO MUCH.

179
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,051
ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

180
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,888
'CAUSE IT'S 2011, AND THEY'RE
NOT YOUR UNCLE, YOU KNOW?

181
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:44,257
BUT HE'LL WINK,
AND SOMETIMES IT'LL MAKE SENSE.

182
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,458
AND THEN OTHER TIMES, IT WON'T.

183
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,060
SO IT'S VERY CONFUSING.

184
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,762
IT'S LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU WANT TO
HANG OUT WITH THOSE GIRLS LATER?

185
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:51,531
THEY'RE DOWN TO PARTY."

186
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,133
AND I'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH, SURE.
OH, YEAH.

187
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,835
NO, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH."

188
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:57,537
"YEAH, THEN MAYBE LATER,
YOU AND ME CAN GET SOME PIZZA."

189
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:07,214
"NO, I DON'T THINK
I WANT TO DO THAT.

190
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:10,117
DOES THAT INVOLVE US
HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE?"

191
00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:11,551
"NO."

192
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,990
I LIKE THAT MOVE,
WHEN A GUY GETS SCARED.

193
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,397
I DON'T THINK THAT THERE SHOULD
BE PLANTS WITH LEAVES

194
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:28,001
OR FOLIAGE THAT HANGS DOWN
IN AIRPORTS.

195
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,336
I'LL EXPLAIN WHY.

196
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:32,239
WOULDN'T THAT BE WEIRD
IF I DIDN'T?

197
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:37,210
I JUST MOVED ON
RIGHT AFTER THAT.

198
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:38,979
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE A LOT
OF TIMES I'M IN AIRPORTS,

199
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,781
I'LL BE TEXTING, AND I'LL MOVE
OUT OF SOMEBODY'S WAY,

200
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,750
AND IF A PLANT EVEN JUST--

201
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:45,318
EVEN MILDLY TOUCHES,
LIKE, GRAZES ANY--

202
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,855
[grunting]

203
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,690
LIKE, SUDDENLY I KNOW
MARTIAL ARTS, YOU KNOW?

204
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,491
"IS IT A FERN OR A FICUS?

205
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:54,795
AIM FOR THE ROOTS."

206
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:58,966
AND I GOT TO STOP ACTING WEIRD
IN AIRPORTS IN GENERAL REALLY.

207
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,734
'CAUSE IT'S WEIRD.

208
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,903
I'M GETTING MORE RECOGNIZABLE
NOW, YOU KNOW,

209
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,304
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN
IN SOME MOVIES.

210
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:05,605
I'M NOT FAMOUS.

211
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,440
I'M, LIKE, THE LEAST FAMOUS
YOU CAN BE

212
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,878
WHILE STILL BEING CONSIDERED
SORT OF FAMOUS, YOU KNOW?

213
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:13,647
LIKE, I'M THE LEVEL OF CELEBRITY
WHERE GROUPS OF GUYS AT AIRPORTS

214
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,683
WILL KIND OF LOOK OVER AT ME
AND WHISPER TO EACH OTHER

215
00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:17,651
AND THEN KIND OF
LOOK BACK OVER.

216
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,352
AND I'M NOT SURE
IF THEY RECOGNIZE ME

217
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:22,489
OR THEY WANT TO GANG-RAPE ME
IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

218
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:24,224
EITHER WAY, I'M FLATTERED.

219
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,698
OR SOMETIMES
I'LL GET SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS

220
00:10:30,698 --> 00:10:33,533
THAT THEY RECOGNIZE ME,
BUT THEY CAN'T THINK

221
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:36,503
OF THE MOVIE OR THE TV SHOW
OR WHATEVER--

222
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,571
THEY DON'T KNOW
WHERE THEY RECOGNIZE ME FROM.

223
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,674
YEAH, NOW, THAT'S ALWAYS
A WEIRD INTERACTION.

224
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:42,242
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE
EVER INTERACTED WITH SOMEBODY

225
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:45,578
WHO IS SIMULTANEOUSLY
VERY EXCITED TO SEE YOU

226
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:51,384
BUT ALSO VERY UPSET
AND FRUSTRATED WITH THEMSELVES.

227
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,954
THAT'S STRANGE, LIKE, "HEY, OH,
YOU'RE THE GUY--

228
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,556
"OH, THIS IS SO--OH, THIS IS
GREAT, SO YOU'RE FROM--

229
00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:59,659
"YOU'RE THE GUY FROM--
GODDAMN IT!

230
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,261
"HOLD ON A SECOND.
DON'T YOU TELL ME!

231
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:02,529
"I'M GONNA THINK OF IT.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

232
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:04,064
"SON OF A BITCH, TREVOR!
DON'T--

233
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,699
"ALL RIGHT, YOU TELL ME
EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE BEEN IN.

234
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,167
"I'LL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING I'VE SEEN.

235
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,368
"THEN WE'LL MATCH IT UP,
AND THEN I'LL DECIDE

236
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:09,803
IF IT'S WORTH
TAKING A PICTURE."

237
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:18,045
WHICH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT
TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME,

238
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:21,614
YOU KNOW, FOR WHATEVER REASON,
YOU'RE WELCOME TO,

239
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,216
BUT TAKE A PRACTICE SHOT.

240
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:27,287
I KNOW THAT SOUNDS WEIRD,
BUT SO OFTEN, I'LL BE POSING,

241
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,756
LIKE, WITH A GIRL,

242
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,557
AND HER BOYFRIEND
WILL BE USING HER CAMERA,

243
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:33,827
AND HE WON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT,
AND SO THEN I'M POSING,

244
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,963
AND YOU KNOW, SHE'S,
YOU KNOW,

245
00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,064
STANDING NEXT TO ME, LIKE...

246
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:47,340
"PRESS THE BUTTON.

247
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:48,675
"PRESS THE--
THE BUTTON ON THE FRONT.

248
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:50,377
"PRESS THE--
FINE, PRESS THE OTHER--

249
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,179
"PRESS THE ONE
THAT LOOKS LIKE A CAMERA.

250
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:56,116
"PRESS THE--

251
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,018
"PRESS--FINE, PRESS THE ONE
BUTTON THAT YOU HAVEN'T PRESSED.

252
00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,252
"WHY DON'T YOU TRY
PRESSING THAT?

253
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,687
"WHAT DON'T YOU PRESS
THAT BUTTON?

254
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:02,222
"HE'S SO STUPID.
HE CHEATED ON ME IN JULY.

255
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:04,191
PRESS THE BUTTON!"

256
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:05,292
THEN IT'S JUST ME LIKE...

257
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:25,545
GOT TO WET THAT WHISTLE,
YOU KNOW?

258
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:28,515
ONE TIME I HAD A GUY--
THIS GUY APPROACHED ME

259
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:32,485
AT THE AIRPORT, AND HE GOES,
"HEY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR."

260
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:35,022
AND I SAID, "YEAH, WELL,
YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME IN, LIKE,

261
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:36,389
SOME MOVIES OR ON TV
OR SOMETHING."

262
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:41,294
HE GOES, "NAH, WHAT HIGH SCHOOL
DID YOU GO TO?"

263
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:42,629
AND I WAS LIKE, "EAST HIGH."

264
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:43,630
AND HE WAS LIKE--

265
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,365
[cheering]

266
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:49,036
ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
HE WAS EQUALLY EXCITED.

267
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:52,572
AND I SAID, "EAST HIGH."

268
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:55,208
AND HE GOES,
"YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO."

269
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,677
AND I SAID, "WELL, I DIDN'T SAY
THE STATE OR THE CITY,

270
00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:59,012
AND IT'S NAMED AFTER
A DIRECTION,"

271
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,648
AND HE GOES, "DID YOU RUN
TRACK AND FIELD?"

272
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:04,918
AND I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T,
SO MAYBE IT'S CHELSEA LATELY."

273
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:08,688
HE GOES, "ME NEITHER.

274
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:10,824
WHAT WAS YOUR
BEST FRIEND'S NAME?"

275
00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:13,026
AND I WAS LIKE, "IT WAS LLOYD,
BUT I--"

276
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:16,429
THEN HE GOES, "I'M LLOYD."

277
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:18,065
AND THAT'S HOW I RECONNECTED
WITH MY BEST FRIEND

278
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,366
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

279
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:22,069
[applause]

280
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:27,440
DON'T BE PRESUMPTUOUS.

281
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,042
THERE ARE GOOD THINGS

282
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:31,879
ABOUT BECOMING A LITTLE BIT
MORE RECOGNIZABLE.

283
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:35,015
I NOW HAVE A RIDER,
SO THAT'S WHAT I REQUIRE,

284
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,950
OR I WON'T PERFORM,
YOU KNOW.

285
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,218
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
SOME PEOPLE HAVE, LIKE,

286
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,953
NO BROWN M&M'S
OR WHATEVER.

287
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,721
SO I HAVE, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

288
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:43,390
A STOOL AND WATER
AND EVERYTHING,

289
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:46,026
BUT I ALSO PUT SOME THINGS
IN THERE JUST FOR ME,

290
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,360
YOU KNOW, JUST FOR FUN.

291
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,497
LIKE, I REQUIRE--
IT SAYS IN THE RIDER--

292
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:54,334
A TERRIBLE TURKEY SANDWICH,
AND THEN, IN PARENTHESES,

293
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:59,006
IT SAYS,
"OPEN TO INTERPRETATION."

294
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,673
AND THEN,
EITHER A REAL PINATA

295
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,342
OR A HAND-DRAWN PICTURE
OF A PINATA.

296
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,849
NOW, I DO THIS
FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.

297
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,419
ONE, I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS.

298
00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:14,054
TWO, IT'S NOT VERY HARD.

299
00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:17,057
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I HAD THIS
GIRL COME UP TO ME ONCE AND--

300
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,825
AT A COLLEGE, AND SHE GOES,
"OH, MY GOD.

301
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,194
"I AM SO SORRY.
ALL THEY HAD WAS HAM SANDWICHES.

302
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,964
SO I GOT YOU A HAM SANDWICH.
IS THAT OKAY?"

303
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,233
I SAID, "A HAM SANDWICH?

304
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:31,538
"THAT'S A PRETTY TERRIBLE
TURKEY SANDWICH.

305
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,240
I LIKE THE WAY
YOU'RE INTERPRETING THINGS."

306
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:41,481
AND THEN, IF YOU CAN'T--
YOU KNOW, IF YOU CAN'T BUY ME

307
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:45,352
A REAL PINATA,
THEN ANYONE CAN DRAW A PINATA.

308
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:47,487
AND IF YOU CAN'T,
THEN I'LL REFUSE TO PERFORM,

309
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:48,755
LIKE I DID IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

310
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,190
AT ELMIRA COLLEGE
FOR 25 MINUTES.

311
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:51,691
AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS,

312
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:54,427
IF YOU HAVE NEVER HAD
A 22-YEAR-OLD

313
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:57,730
BEGRUDGINGLY DRAW YOU
A PINATA...

314
00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:02,269
I RECOMMEND IT.

315
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:03,836
IT'S A LOT OF FUN.

316
00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:05,872
"HERE, YOU HAPPY?
YOU WANT YOUR LITTLE GAME, T.J.?

317
00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:08,175
HERE.
YOU HAPPY?"

318
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:09,509
"BUT WHERE WILL HE HANG FROM?"

319
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:19,953
AND THEN SOMETIMES PEOPLE
GIVE ME REALLY COOL PINATAS,

320
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,888
AND I ALWAYS TAKE THEM HOME,
AND YOU GOT TO CARRY THEM

321
00:15:21,888 --> 00:15:23,890
ON THE PLANE,
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T CHECK A PINATA.

322
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,258
THAT SHOULD BE A T-SHIRT.

323
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,098
BUT I WAS AT THIS SMALL AIRPORT.

324
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:34,634
IT WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE TWO GATES, 25 PASSENGERS,

325
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,103
AND I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,
AND WHEN I CAME OUT,

326
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,505
THERE WAS A TSA AGENT,
AND SHE WAS ALREADY MAD AT ME.

327
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,007
NEVER MET ME.
ALREADY.

328
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:41,174
"SIR, EXCUSE ME.

329
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,275
DO YOU HAVE
ALL YOUR BELONGINGS?"

330
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,943
I SAID, "YEAH, I THINK--"
"REALLY?

331
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,678
"THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS
OVER THERE?

332
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,447
THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS?"

333
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,781
AND I JUST LOOK OVER,

334
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,683
AND MY BELONGINGS
THAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT

335
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,186
WAS JUST THIS SINGLE,
SOLITARY, LONELY PINATA, LIKE...

336
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:57,524
"WHAT DID I DO?"
YOU KNOW?

337
00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:59,459
I BELIEVE HE WAS ECUADORIAN.

338
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,996
AND I SAID, "OH, YEAH.
THAT'S MINE.

339
00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:05,065
I JUST, LIKE, COULDN'T CARRY IT
INTO THE BATH--"

340
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:07,300
SHE GOES, "SIR, IF YOU DON'T
HAVE YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU,

341
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,669
"WE'RE FORCED TO CONFISCATE
AND DESTROY THEM.

342
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:12,572
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."

343
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,041
AND I SAID, "OKAY, YEAH,
I JUST--I DIDN'T HAVE--"

344
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:18,445
SHE GOES, "SIR, FORCED
TO CONFISCATE AND DESTROY THEM.

345
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:21,881
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."

346
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:23,550
AND SHE WAS BEING SO RUDE,
I COULDN'T HELP IT.

347
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,418
I WAS JUST LIKE,
"YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS.

348
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:30,390
"FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THOSE BELONGINGS.

349
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:31,924
"I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE MAKING IT PLURAL.

350
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,426
"ARE YOU COUNTING
THE LEGS SEPARATELY?

351
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:42,502
"SO YOU CAN CONFISCATE IT,
AND TWO, YOU SHOULD KNOW

352
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,304
"THAT IF YOU DESTROY
THOSE BELONGINGS,

353
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:46,573
YOU'RE GONNA GET
A LOT OF CANDY."

354
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:49,509
[applause]

355
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:58,985
SHE DIDN'T FIND THAT VERY FUNNY.

356
00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:00,553
I HAVE A PROBLEM RIGHT NOW

357
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:02,689
WITH ANYBODY WHO HAS A SMALL
MODICUM OF AUTHORITY OVER YOU,

358
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,824
BUT THEN THEY EXERT
MORE CONTROL THAN THEY NEED TO

359
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,326
BECAUSE IT
MAKES THEM FEEL IMPORTANT,

360
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,195
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE TSA.

361
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:11,998
FOR INSTANCE, RECENTLY I WAS
TRYING TO PAY BY CREDIT CARD

362
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:15,502
AT A HAUNTED HOUSE.

363
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:17,504
AND THE GIRL SAID, "I'M GONNA
NEED TO SEE SOME I.D."

364
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,672
AND I COULDN'T FIND MY I.D.,
AND I SAID, "LOOK, I'M SO SORRY,

365
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:21,641
"BUT THESE ARE ALL MY FRIENDS,
AND I SAID I WOULD PAY,

366
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,543
"SO YOU COULD YOU JUST--

367
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,645
CAN YOU MAKE AN EXCEPTION
THIS ONE TIME?"

368
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:31,050
AND SHE GOES, "SORRY.
NO CREDIT CARD, NO I.D."

369
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,653
WHICH DIDN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE AT ALL.

370
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:37,190
IN FACT, THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE
OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

371
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:40,993
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A GOOD
TIME TO BRING THAT UP.

372
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:42,762
SO I SAID, "LOOK, I KNOW THAT.

373
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:44,197
"I UNDERSTAND
THAT'S THE PROTOCOL,

374
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,799
"BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY
PERSON HERE, YOU KNOW,

375
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,168
SO MAYBE
YOU COULD MAKE AN--"

376
00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:51,571
I MEAN, SHE WASN'T
THE ONLY PERSON THERE.

377
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,907
THAT WOULD BE
A TERRIBLE HAUNTED HOUSE.

378
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,944
SHE'S JUST LIKE,
"HERE'S YOUR CHANGE.

379
00:17:57,944 --> 00:17:59,246
"HOLD ON FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT.

380
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:07,120
"COME ON BACK!

381
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,389
"AH!

382
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,858
WAIT HERE, LIKE, 20, 30."

383
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,893
BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY PERSON
THAT HAD TO, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

384
00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:17,530
FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THAT RULE,
SO SHE DIDN'T LET US IN,

385
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,566
SO AS I LEFT,
I JUST TURNED TO HER,

386
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:23,436
AND I WENT, "SO LET ME JUST
GET ALL THIS STRAIGHT, OKAY?

387
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,305
"SO YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU WON'T
LET ME PAY FOR MY FRIENDS

388
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:26,739
"AND I TO GO
INTO YOUR ESTABLISHMENT

389
00:18:26,739 --> 00:18:29,576
"BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE I.D.
FOR A CREDIT CARD

390
00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:31,711
"THAT YOU'RE CONCERNED I STOLE

391
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:38,285
"AND HEADED
STRAIGHT TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE?

392
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:40,253
"I JUST FOUND A CREDIT CARD,
AND I WAS LIKE, 'FREE MONEY!

393
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:41,921
"'WHAT DO WE DO, ELECTRONICS?

394
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:44,123
NO, LET'S GET SCARED WITH OUR
FRIENDS FOR 25 MINUTES!'"

395
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,531
AND I WAS REALLY PISSED TOO,
YOU KNOW,

396
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,033
BECAUSE I DON'T GET SCARED
BY MOVIES ANYMORE, YOU KNOW,

397
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,668
OR THE DARK OR SPIDERS.

398
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:58,705
IT'S MOSTLY JUST HAUNTED HOUSES
AND THEN STEPHEN KING NOVELS.

399
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,473
DO YOU GUYS GET SCARED BY THOSE?
ARE THOSE SCARY?

400
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,041
[scattered applause]

401
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,510
YEAH, IF YOU DON'T THINK SO,
THEN YOU'RE WRONG,

402
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,279
AND YOU NEED TO THINK
ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.

403
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:10,183
I'M SORRY,
THAT'S THIS CATCHPHRASE

404
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,519
THAT I'M TRYING
TO GET TO CATCH ON, YOU KNOW?

405
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:15,222
BUT IT DOESN'T
REALLY FIT ANYWHERE, YOU KNOW.

406
00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:18,391
THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.

407
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:23,363
ANYWAY...

408
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:24,864
BUT STEPHEN KING NOVELS,
THEY REALLY--THEY DO.

409
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,433
THEY SCARE ME.

410
00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:29,236
THEY'RE SO SCARY,
I THINK HE'S GOT TO GET SCARED

411
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,671
WHILE HE'S WRITING THEM.

412
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,005
DO YOU THINK?

413
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:39,111
DO YOU THINK HE'S EVER, LIKE,
"OH, GOD.

414
00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:42,982
"OH, JESUS CHRIST.

415
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,784
"WHAT WILL I WRITE NEXT?

416
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:52,292
AH!"

417
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:53,960
THEY'RE SO SCARY,
SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN WANT

418
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,628
TO TURN THE PAGE, YOU KNOW?

419
00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:58,331
I JUST WANT TO THROW THE BOOK
OUT THE WINDOW.

420
00:19:58,331 --> 00:19:59,866
OR IF I'M IN A ROOM
WITH NO WINDOWS,

421
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,601
I WANT TO RUN INTO ANOTHER ROOM
AND THROW IT OUT OF THAT WINDOW.

422
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,370
OR IF I'M IN A HOUSE
WITH NO WINDOWS,

423
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:05,472
I WANT TO RUN DOWNSTAIRS AND
THROW IT OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.

424
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:07,740
OR IF I'M IN A HOUSE
WITH NO WINDOWS AND NO DOORS,

425
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:08,741
THAT'S SCARY.

426
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,109
HOW DID I GET IN THERE?

427
00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:16,148
I'M NOT A VERY COOL GUY.

428
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,150
I'M REALLY NOT.

429
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:19,952
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE
WHAT DO COOL GUYS DO

430
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,121
WHEN THEY GET A CORONA,
HUH?

431
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,623
WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THE LIME?

432
00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:25,758
THEY'LL PRESS THE LIME DOWN
INTO THE BOTTLE,

433
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:27,360
AND THEN THEY TURN
THE BOTTLE UPSIDE DOWN

434
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,061
SO THAT THE LIME SLOWLY
FLOATS UPWARDS

435
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,997
TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTLE,
AND BY THEY TURN IT BACK AROUND,

436
00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:32,865
USUALLY THEY'RE HAVING SEX
WITH A WOMAN.

437
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,810
I ALWAYS TRY AND DO THAT.

438
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,211
I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH,
YOU'RE GOING BACK TO NURSING--

439
00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:46,546
HOLD ON A SECOND.
I GOT A CORONA, SO--"

440
00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:48,047
[mimics liquid splashing]

441
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,590
AND WHENEVER I ASK ADVICE ABOUT
HOW TO KIND OF ACT MORE SMOOTH

442
00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:00,460
IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS,
PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE ME SIMILAR--

443
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:01,694
LIKE, DO YOU EVER HAVE
ANYBODY SAY TO YOU,

444
00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,530
"JUST DO YOUR THING"?

445
00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:05,865
"JUST DO YOUR THING, MAN.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, T.J.

446
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:09,369
JUST DO YOUR THING.
JUST DO YOUR THING."

447
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:12,305
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

448
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,006
BECAUSE MY THING IS THIS:

449
00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:21,414
THAT'S A WEIRD THING.
DON'T TELL ME TO DO THAT.

450
00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:23,916
THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP ME
IN ANY SITUATION.

451
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:36,396
I AM KIND OF A STRANGE GUY,
AS I MENTIONED.

452
00:21:36,396 --> 00:21:39,799
I WANT TO TELL A STORY
TO ILLUSTRATE THAT.

453
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:43,002
MY EX-WIFE OF 27 YEARS, KAREN,
WAS THROWING --

454
00:21:43,002 --> 00:21:46,005
[laughter]

455
00:21:48,408 --> 00:21:53,446
SEE, THIS IS WHY COMEDIANS
DON'T OPEN UP TO AUDIENCES.

456
00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:58,117
'CAUSE WE GET SLAPPED
IN THE FACE.

457
00:21:58,117 --> 00:21:59,619
SHE WAS THROWING AWAY
HER TENNIS OUTFIT.

458
00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:00,853
YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

459
00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:02,389
IT'S A MATCHING SKIRT
AND TANK TOP

460
00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:05,024
USED IN THE RECREATIONAL PLAY
AND COMPETITION OF TENNIS.

461
00:22:05,024 --> 00:22:07,827
SO SHE WAS GETTING RID OF IT,
AND I SAID,

462
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,228
"DO YOU THINK
THAT WILL FIT ME?"

463
00:22:09,228 --> 00:22:10,897
AND SHE SAID,
"YEAH, I THINK IT'S ELASTIC."

464
00:22:10,897 --> 00:22:12,064
SO I TRIED IT ON, AND IT FIT,

465
00:22:12,064 --> 00:22:16,002
AND I KEPT IT
FOR WHENEVER I GOT HIGH.

466
00:22:16,002 --> 00:22:20,006
'CAUSE IT WAS COMFORTABLE,
AND IT LOOKED HILARIOUS.

467
00:22:20,006 --> 00:22:21,374
AND ONE TIME
WE WERE ALL HANGING OUT,

468
00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:22,742
AND MY COUSIN CAME OVER,

469
00:22:22,742 --> 00:22:24,777
AND I WAS WEARING
THE TENNIS OUTFIT, AND HE GOES,

470
00:22:24,777 --> 00:22:26,746
"HEY, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

471
00:22:26,746 --> 00:22:29,348
YOU SHOULD GO DOWNSTAIRS TO
THE CORNER OF SUNSET AND VINE"--

472
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:30,383
WHICH IS
A VERY BUSY INTERSECTION

473
00:22:30,383 --> 00:22:31,884
WHERE I LIVE
IN LOS ANGELES.

474
00:22:31,884 --> 00:22:33,486
AND HE'S LIKE, "AND YOU SHOULD
SMOKE A CIGARETTE

475
00:22:33,486 --> 00:22:36,088
"IN THAT OUTFIT.

476
00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:39,191
I DARE YOU."

477
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:41,928
AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU DARE ME?
WHAT ARE WE, 15?

478
00:22:41,928 --> 00:22:45,998
LET'S DO THIS THING."

479
00:22:45,998 --> 00:22:47,700
SO I WENT DOWNSTAIRS,
BUT IT'S HOLLYWOOD,

480
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:50,670
SO NOBODY WAS REALLY
WEIRDED OUT BY IT.

481
00:22:50,670 --> 00:22:52,572
BUT THEN,
AS I WAS ABOUT TO FINISH,

482
00:22:52,572 --> 00:22:56,676
THIS GROUP OF THUGGISH YOUTHS,
YOU KNOW, APPROACHED,

483
00:22:56,676 --> 00:23:01,047
LIKE YOUNG RAPSCALLIONS,
NE'ER-DO-WELLS, NO-GOODNIKS,

484
00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:05,618
NOT-AS-GOOD-AS-THE-OTHERSES.

485
00:23:05,618 --> 00:23:09,221
IT'S A PHRASE THAT NEVER
CAUGHT ON IN THE '30s.

486
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:10,623
THEY WERE APPROACHING,

487
00:23:10,623 --> 00:23:11,991
AND I KNEW THEY WERE
GONNA YELL SOMETHING AT ME.

488
00:23:11,991 --> 00:23:13,526
YOU KNOW WHEN KIDS ARE LIKE,
"HEY! HEY!"

489
00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:14,927
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW IT.
YOU KNOW IT.

490
00:23:14,927 --> 00:23:16,729
SO I WANTED TO HEAD THEM OFF
AT THE PASS.

491
00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:19,098
I WANTED TO YELL SOMETHING
AT THEM FIRST,

492
00:23:19,098 --> 00:23:20,733
BUT I'M NOT MEAN OR TOUGH.

493
00:23:20,733 --> 00:23:25,037
I'M JUST WEIRD, SO I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING

494
00:23:25,037 --> 00:23:28,140
"THAT A FULL-GROWN MAN
IN A TENNIS OUTFIT

495
00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:34,146
COULD YELL AT A GROUP
OF THUGGISH YOUTHS?"

496
00:23:34,146 --> 00:23:35,347
SO THIS IS WHAT I DID
AS THEY APPROACHED.

497
00:23:35,347 --> 00:23:36,749
LIKE, "HEY! HEY!"

498
00:23:36,749 --> 00:23:38,485
BEFORE THEY COULD YELL ANYTHING,
JUST FULL TENNIS OUTFIT,

499
00:23:38,485 --> 00:23:39,486
I TURNED, AND I WENT:

500
00:23:39,486 --> 00:23:40,487
"[clears throat]

501
00:23:40,487 --> 00:23:42,388
FAGGOTS!"

502
00:23:42,388 --> 00:23:45,291
[cheers and applause]

503
00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:52,131
BUT HERE'S THE THING,
I WAS IMMEDIATELY PUNISHED

504
00:23:52,131 --> 00:23:54,667
FOR YELLING THAT,
BECAUSE AS I TURNED TO RUN

505
00:23:54,667 --> 00:23:56,536
INTO MY BUILDING
BECAUSE I'M A COWARD

506
00:23:56,536 --> 00:23:59,572
AND I DIDN'T WANT THEM
TO KILL ME,

507
00:23:59,572 --> 00:24:02,742
I REMEMBERED THAT TENNIS OUTFITS
DON'T HAVE POCKETS,

508
00:24:02,742 --> 00:24:06,078
SO I DIDN'T HAVE
THE KEYS TO MY THING,

509
00:24:06,078 --> 00:24:10,382
SO I WAS JUST LEFT OUTSIDE
MY BUILDING KNOCKING, THINKING,

510
00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:13,586
"THIS IS GONNA BE
THE WEIRDEST OBITUARY EVER."

511
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:18,625
BUT THEY DIDN'T KILL ME,
THANK GOODNESS.

512
00:24:18,625 --> 00:24:19,959
UM...

513
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:21,193
ALL THEY DID WAS--
THE TOUGHEST-LOOKING KID,

514
00:24:21,193 --> 00:24:22,194
THIS IS
WHAT HE YELLED.

515
00:24:22,194 --> 00:24:24,163
HE JUST GOES, "YOU TOO OLD,

516
00:24:24,163 --> 00:24:26,766
YOU WILL-FERRELL-LOOKING
MOTHERFUCKER!"

517
00:24:31,604 --> 00:24:35,642
WHICH, I THINK I WIN THAT ROUND.

518
00:24:35,642 --> 00:24:36,943
HERE'S WHY.

519
00:24:36,943 --> 00:24:40,312
LET'S IMAGINE HIM
TELLING THE STORY LATER.

520
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:42,014
"YO, SO WE WAS WALKING
DOWN THE STREET, RIGHT?

521
00:24:42,014 --> 00:24:43,550
"AND THERE WAS THIS DUDE IN A--

522
00:24:43,550 --> 00:24:46,719
"FULL-GROWN GUY, YOU KNOW,
TENNIS OUTFIT.

523
00:24:46,719 --> 00:24:48,788
"YOU KNOW, MATCHING SKIRT
AND TANK TOP

524
00:24:48,788 --> 00:24:53,660
"USED IN THE RECREATIONAL PLAY
AND COMPETITION OF TENNIS?

525
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:56,796
"SO HE LOOKED AT US, AND HE WAS
LIKE, 'HEH-HEH, FAGGOTS!'

526
00:24:56,796 --> 00:25:02,134
"NO, HE--
NO, HE YELLED THAT AT US.

527
00:25:02,134 --> 00:25:03,335
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WHAT WAS I WEARING?

528
00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:04,537
"I WAS WEARING THIS.

529
00:25:09,408 --> 00:25:12,311
"SO ANYWAY, WE WALKED BY,
AND I WAS LIKE, 'YOU TOO OLD,

530
00:25:12,311 --> 00:25:14,513
"YOU WILL-FERRELL-LOOKING
MOTHERFUCKER!'

531
00:25:20,687 --> 00:25:22,321
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOO OLD
TO WHAT?

532
00:25:25,958 --> 00:25:28,427
"TOO OLD TO WEAR
A TENNIS OUTFIT.

533
00:25:31,598 --> 00:25:33,399
YOU GOT TO CUT THAT SHIT OUT
AT 23."

534
00:25:37,269 --> 00:25:38,571
I USED TO LIVE IN CHICAGO,

535
00:25:38,571 --> 00:25:39,739
AND I WAS IN NEW YORK
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

536
00:25:39,739 --> 00:25:40,740
[scattered applause]

537
00:25:40,740 --> 00:25:42,074
YEAH, THERE IT IS.

538
00:25:42,074 --> 00:25:44,644
THAT'S THE SOFTEST
EXCITEMENT FOR CHICAGO--

539
00:25:44,644 --> 00:25:45,712
[cheers]

540
00:25:45,712 --> 00:25:47,079
"I USED TO LIVE IN CHICAGO."

541
00:25:47,079 --> 00:25:48,080
THREE OR FOUR PEOPLE WERE LIKE,

542
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:52,118
"[weakly] YEAH.

543
00:25:52,118 --> 00:25:55,421
"I FEEL NEUTRAL ABOUT THAT.

544
00:25:55,421 --> 00:25:57,790
"IT WAS JUST MORE
OF AN OPPORTUNITY

545
00:25:57,790 --> 00:26:01,560
TO LET AIR
OUT OF MY BODY."

546
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,930
I LIKE PUBLIC TRANSIT, BECAUSE
YOU GET TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE

547
00:26:03,930 --> 00:26:06,799
THAT YOU WOULD NEVER INTERACT
WITH OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW?

548
00:26:06,799 --> 00:26:08,935
THE BEST THING I EVER SAW,
ON THE TRAIN IN CHICAGO,

549
00:26:08,935 --> 00:26:10,169
THERE'S WAS THIS KID.

550
00:26:10,169 --> 00:26:11,604
HE HAD HIS SHIRT UP
ABOVE HIS NIPPLES,

551
00:26:11,604 --> 00:26:13,973
AND HE WAS GOING LIKE THIS:

552
00:26:17,476 --> 00:26:21,013
AND I ADMIRED HIS FREEDOM.

553
00:26:21,013 --> 00:26:23,349
BUT HIS FATHER THOUGHT HE WAS
A FUNNY GUY, AND HE GOES--

554
00:26:23,349 --> 00:26:26,418
LOUD ENOUGH SO THAT EVERYBODY
COULD HEAR--HE GOES, "UH-OH.

555
00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:29,689
"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE
WITH EXPOSED BELLIES.

556
00:26:29,689 --> 00:26:32,324
BELLY SLAP!"

557
00:26:32,324 --> 00:26:34,026
AND THEN HE SLAPPED
THE KID'S BELLY,

558
00:26:34,026 --> 00:26:35,494
LIKE, REALLY,
REALLY HARD, THOUGH.

559
00:26:35,494 --> 00:26:36,495
LIKE, THE KID WAS LIKE...

560
00:26:36,495 --> 00:26:39,198
"[grunting]"

561
00:26:39,198 --> 00:26:40,499
SO I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING.

562
00:26:40,499 --> 00:26:41,801
SO I JUST WALKED UP
TO THE FATHER,

563
00:26:41,801 --> 00:26:43,369
AND I WENT, "EXCUSE ME, SIR.

564
00:26:47,339 --> 00:26:49,041
"YOU GAVE YOUR WORD.

565
00:26:54,681 --> 00:26:58,017
SLAP IT."

566
00:26:58,017 --> 00:27:01,353
THEY GOT OFF AT THE NEXT STOP.

567
00:27:01,353 --> 00:27:04,256
I FOLLOWED THEM HOME.

568
00:27:04,256 --> 00:27:05,858
I LIVED WITH THAT FAMILY
FOR TWO YEARS.

569
00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:11,630
ONE THING I DO NOT MISS

570
00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:14,133
ABOUT BEING
ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION IS,

571
00:27:14,133 --> 00:27:15,434
I HATE MAKING EYE CONTACT

572
00:27:15,434 --> 00:27:17,469
WITH ANYBODY UNDER THE AGE
OF THREE.

573
00:27:17,469 --> 00:27:18,905
DO YOU GUYS HATE THAT?

574
00:27:18,905 --> 00:27:22,241
YOU EVER LOCK EYES
WITH A BABY OR A TODDLER?

575
00:27:22,241 --> 00:27:24,711
'CAUSE THEY DON'T LOOK AWAY.

576
00:27:24,711 --> 00:27:26,378
THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED THAT YET,
YOU KNOW?

577
00:27:26,378 --> 00:27:28,147
SO YOU'LL BE LIKE,
"HEY, LITTLE BUDDY."

578
00:27:28,147 --> 00:27:32,919
AND THEY'RE LIKE:

579
00:27:32,919 --> 00:27:34,286
AND THEN EVENTUALLY,
YOU LOOK AWAY,

580
00:27:34,286 --> 00:27:38,024
'CAUSE YOU'RE
A PERSON WITH MANNERS.

581
00:27:38,024 --> 00:27:39,826
BUT IF YOU LOOK BACK,
THEY'RE JUST STILL STARING.

582
00:27:39,826 --> 00:27:41,761
SO I ALWAYS MAKE A FACE,
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE

583
00:27:41,761 --> 00:27:42,962
THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE WANTED

584
00:27:42,962 --> 00:27:44,130
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BABY,
YOU KNOW?

585
00:27:44,130 --> 00:27:45,531
LOCK EYES WITH A STRANGER.

586
00:27:45,531 --> 00:27:46,999
MAKE A LITTLE FACE,
AND I LOOK AT HIM, AND I GO:

587
00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:49,802
[hissing]

588
00:27:51,370 --> 00:27:53,239
WHICH IS DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN IF
A MOTHER CATCHES YOU DOING IT.

589
00:28:02,581 --> 00:28:05,417
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO SOME SHORT JOKES.

590
00:28:05,417 --> 00:28:07,419
THESE WILL BE FUN.

591
00:28:07,419 --> 00:28:10,022
I GOT CALLED A GAYWAD RECENTLY.

592
00:28:10,022 --> 00:28:13,259
GAY WAD.

593
00:28:13,259 --> 00:28:14,994
SOME GUY YELLED AT ME
FROM HIS TRUCK.

594
00:28:14,994 --> 00:28:16,729
THAT'S GREAT.
ONE GAY ISN'T ENOUGH FOR ME.

595
00:28:16,729 --> 00:28:18,831
I'M A WET CLUMP
OF HOMOSEXUALITY.

596
00:28:22,301 --> 00:28:23,469
IS THIS GAY, THOUGH?

597
00:28:23,469 --> 00:28:25,671
LAST WEEK, I ROOFIED A GIRL.
YEAH.

598
00:28:25,671 --> 00:28:27,740
BUT WHEN SHE WAS PASSED OUT,
I JUST REDID HER HAIR.

599
00:28:27,740 --> 00:28:29,942
IT LOOKED TERRIBLE.

600
00:28:40,352 --> 00:28:41,988
YOU GUYS LIKE TO PLAY
WITH WORDS?

601
00:28:41,988 --> 00:28:44,090
I'M DYSLEXIC.

602
00:28:44,090 --> 00:28:46,625
AND I GOT REALLY DEPRESSED
ABOUT IT RECENTLY,

603
00:28:46,625 --> 00:28:48,660
SO I ENDED UP
SLITTING MY ANKLES.

604
00:28:55,501 --> 00:28:57,003
I LEFT A SUICIDE NOTE.

605
00:28:57,003 --> 00:28:58,304
IT SAID, "SEE YOU LATER,
CROCODILES."

606
00:29:05,411 --> 00:29:07,646
CALLED SOMEBODY AN INDIAN GIVER
RECENTLY.

607
00:29:07,646 --> 00:29:10,249
THEY WERE REALLY OFFENDED,
SO I HAD TO TAKE IT BACK.

608
00:29:19,691 --> 00:29:21,928
MY NAME IS T.J. MILLER.

609
00:29:21,928 --> 00:29:26,098
I'M TIRED OF BEING CALLED
"T-GAY BUTT-FILLER."

610
00:29:26,098 --> 00:29:28,434
SO LET'S CUT THAT OUT,
SPECIFICALLY ON THE INTERNET.

611
00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:36,275
I WANT TO BE KNOWN BY MY
CHRISTIAN NAME, BUTT FUCKER.

612
00:29:38,911 --> 00:29:41,513
THAT'S WHAT MY BOYFRIEND
CHRISTIAN CALLS ME.

613
00:29:41,513 --> 00:29:44,483
I'M NOT GAY,
BUT THAT'S A GREAT JOKE.

614
00:29:44,483 --> 00:29:47,219
DON'T GET IN THE WAY
OF YOUR OWN FUN.

615
00:29:51,490 --> 00:29:53,792
SOMETIMES I CAN TELL IMMEDIATELY
WHEN I MEET SOMEONE

616
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:55,094
THAT WE'LL
NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS

617
00:29:55,094 --> 00:29:56,628
BECAUSE OF SOMETHING
THAT THEY SAY.

618
00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:57,729
LIKE, IF WHEN YOU
LIKE SOMETHING,

619
00:29:57,729 --> 00:29:59,531
YOU SAY "COOL BEANS"--

620
00:29:59,531 --> 00:30:01,000
LIKE, "COOL BEANS.

621
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:03,269
THAT'S COOL BEANS."

622
00:30:03,269 --> 00:30:07,706
THEN US BEING GOOD FRIENDS
IS NOT COOL BEANS WITH ME.

623
00:30:07,706 --> 00:30:09,842
IF YOU STILL THINK IT'S STILL
FUNNY TO SAY, "GUESS WHAT.

624
00:30:09,842 --> 00:30:11,210
CHICKEN BUTT."

625
00:30:11,210 --> 00:30:14,746
GUESS WHAT.
WE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.

626
00:30:14,746 --> 00:30:16,482
IF YOU SAY, "THAT IS SO RANDOM.
HOW RANDOM IS THAT?

627
00:30:16,482 --> 00:30:17,783
THAT IS, LIKE, SO RANDOM."

628
00:30:17,783 --> 00:30:18,784
YOU'RE RIGHT;
THAT'S VERY RANDOM.

629
00:30:18,784 --> 00:30:20,086
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S CONSISTENT?

630
00:30:20,086 --> 00:30:23,255
THE FACT THAT WE'LL NEVER
BE GOOD FRIENDS.

631
00:30:23,255 --> 00:30:27,026
AND IF WE'RE IN THE CAR AND YOU
SAY, "OOH, LOOK AT THE CLOCK.

632
00:30:27,026 --> 00:30:31,363
IT'S 11:11.
MAKE A WISH."

633
00:30:31,363 --> 00:30:33,532
AND 30 SECONDS LATER,
YOU'RE STILL ALIVE,

634
00:30:33,532 --> 00:30:38,570
MY WISH DIDN'T COME TRUE,
AND WE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.

635
00:30:43,609 --> 00:30:45,644
I LIKE TO GO UP TO GIRLS
SOMETIMES AND GO LIKE THIS:

636
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,750
"SO SARAH AND I WERE--
EXCUSE ME.

637
00:30:51,750 --> 00:30:54,353
"MY EYES ARE UP HERE.

638
00:30:54,353 --> 00:30:57,756
"THEY'RE NOT DOWN HERE.
THEY'RE UP HERE.

639
00:30:57,756 --> 00:31:01,260
"I KNOW I HAVE GLITTER HERE.
YOU LOOK UP HERE.

640
00:31:01,260 --> 00:31:02,261
NOW SLAP IT."

641
00:31:10,102 --> 00:31:12,071
I LIKE LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS.

642
00:31:12,071 --> 00:31:15,007
[cheers]

643
00:31:16,075 --> 00:31:17,343
I LIKE LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS

644
00:31:17,343 --> 00:31:18,444
BECAUSE THEY'RE MORE
OF A STATEMENT

645
00:31:18,444 --> 00:31:20,046
THAN THEY ARE A DRINK.

646
00:31:20,046 --> 00:31:21,813
YOU KNOW, THE BARTENDER'S
SAYING, "WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?"

647
00:31:21,813 --> 00:31:23,415
AND YOU'RE SAYING, "ALL OF IT.

648
00:31:23,415 --> 00:31:27,153
"I'LL TAKE ALL OF IT.
PUT IT IN A TALL WEIRD GLASS.

649
00:31:27,153 --> 00:31:29,956
"WITH A SPLASH OF COCA-COLA
SO NO ONE CAN SEE

650
00:31:29,956 --> 00:31:34,426
HOW LONELY I AM INSIDE."

651
00:31:34,426 --> 00:31:37,463
MIMOSAS ARE FUN TOO, BECAUSE
IF YOU'RE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE

652
00:31:37,463 --> 00:31:40,032
AT 8:00 A.M.,
YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC,

653
00:31:40,032 --> 00:31:44,703
BUT IF YOU ADD ORANGE JUICE,
IT'S JUST AN EARLY BRUNCH.

654
00:31:44,703 --> 00:31:46,338
BUT BEWARE OF THIS, OKAY?

655
00:31:46,338 --> 00:31:49,341
SOME PLACES WILL ADVERTISE
BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS.

656
00:31:49,341 --> 00:31:52,478
LET ME JUST SAY THIS, OKAY?

657
00:31:52,478 --> 00:31:55,581
FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE,
IF BY 10:00 A.M. YOU'RE SO DRUNK

658
00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:57,916
THAT YOU'RE PHYSICALLY FORCING
YOUR WAITER

659
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:01,320
TO WEAR THE FRENCH TOAST
HAT THAT YOU MADE HIM,

660
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:05,724
YOU'VE REACHED THE BOTTOM
OF THOSE MIMOSAS.

661
00:32:05,724 --> 00:32:08,327
YOU'VE REACHED THE ROCK BOTTOM.

662
00:32:08,327 --> 00:32:11,263
[cheers and applause]

663
00:32:15,634 --> 00:32:18,837
I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION
FOR MARIJUANA IN LOS ANGELES.

664
00:32:18,837 --> 00:32:22,341
[cheers]

665
00:32:22,341 --> 00:32:24,343
IT'S FOR ANXIETY.

666
00:32:24,343 --> 00:32:27,946
PRIMARILY ANXIETY ABOUT GETTING
ARRESTED FOR MARIJUANA.

667
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:30,882
[applause]

668
00:32:34,653 --> 00:32:39,291
SO LET'S CLEAR THAT RIGHT UP.

669
00:32:39,291 --> 00:32:41,660
I GOT KICKED OUT OF
THE PARTY STORE FOR PARTYING.

670
00:32:41,660 --> 00:32:44,963
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

671
00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:47,333
THEY SHOULD CALL IT
THE UNFUN STREAMER STORE

672
00:32:47,333 --> 00:32:48,934
WHERE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO BREAK-DANCE

673
00:32:48,934 --> 00:32:50,802
AND FUNNEL GIN AND TONICS STORE.

674
00:32:59,945 --> 00:33:02,381
I'M SO EXCITED
TO TELL THIS NEXT JOKE.

675
00:33:05,651 --> 00:33:07,853
HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEEN
TO A BIG LOTS?

676
00:33:07,853 --> 00:33:10,189
IT LOOKS LIKE A TARGET
JUST GOT LOOTED.

677
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:18,397
IT'S FUN.

678
00:33:18,397 --> 00:33:21,367
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M TALKING TO
A GUY WITH A SHORT MAN COMPLEX--

679
00:33:21,367 --> 00:33:23,001
YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS
WITH A NAPOLEON COMPLEX

680
00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:25,804
THAT WON'T LET
YOU GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE?

681
00:33:25,804 --> 00:33:28,140
WHEN I'M LISTENING TO THEM,
I LIKE TO GO LIKE THIS...

682
00:33:28,140 --> 00:33:30,676
"UH-HUH. SURE.

683
00:33:30,676 --> 00:33:33,879
"REALLY? OKAY.

684
00:33:33,879 --> 00:33:37,183
"AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

685
00:33:37,183 --> 00:33:39,085
"NO.

686
00:33:39,085 --> 00:33:41,320
"WELL, WHERE WAS SARAH?

687
00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:43,489
"WHAT DID SHE SAY?

688
00:33:43,489 --> 00:33:46,225
"NO.

689
00:33:46,225 --> 00:33:48,760
"TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT.

690
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:50,829
"REALLY?

691
00:33:50,829 --> 00:33:53,299
UH-UH."

692
00:33:53,299 --> 00:33:55,101
AND THEN WHEN I'M SHORTER
THAN THEM, I JUST GO,

693
00:33:55,101 --> 00:33:56,768
"HOW'S THE WEATHER UP THERE?"

694
00:33:56,768 --> 00:33:58,437
AND I PUNCH THEM IN THE DICK.

695
00:33:58,437 --> 00:34:00,572
[cheers and applause]

696
00:34:00,572 --> 00:34:02,508
THAT JOKE'S EVEN BETTER
ON PAPER.

697
00:34:13,018 --> 00:34:15,754
MY FRIEND SAID TO ME, "T.J.,
YOU'RE MORE OF A WORD MAN.

698
00:34:15,754 --> 00:34:20,326
ME, NOT SO MUCH AS MUCH."

699
00:34:20,326 --> 00:34:22,394
I SAID, "YEPPERS, YEPPPERS,
JOHNNY DEPPERS."

700
00:34:22,394 --> 00:34:23,429
YOU CAN USE THAT.

701
00:34:27,966 --> 00:34:31,437
I'D LIKE TO "PRE-FACE" THIS NEXT
JOKE BY SAYING THAT I DON'T KNOW

702
00:34:31,437 --> 00:34:36,942
THE CORRECT "PRO-NOWN-CIATION"
OF THE WORD "PREFIKAY."

703
00:34:36,942 --> 00:34:40,446
SO I WAS READING THE "PROFUSE"
OF THIS BOOK THE OTHER DAY,

704
00:34:40,446 --> 00:34:41,680
AND I WAS LIKE,
"THIS IS SO LONG,

705
00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:43,382
IT NEEDS ITS OWN 'PREFACHAY.'"

706
00:34:50,289 --> 00:34:52,858
PRONUNCIATION
OF THE WORD PREFACE JOKE

707
00:34:52,858 --> 00:34:55,427
DIDN'T GO THAT WELL, HUH?

708
00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:58,230
THAT'S OKAY.
I GOT OTHER STUFF.

709
00:34:58,230 --> 00:35:00,299
HEY, WHAT DO GAY HORSES EAT?

710
00:35:00,299 --> 00:35:01,767
all: HEY!

711
00:35:01,767 --> 00:35:05,237
- HORSE DICK.

712
00:35:05,237 --> 00:35:07,673
OH, YOU LIKE THAT ONE BETTER?
YEAH?

713
00:35:07,673 --> 00:35:09,841
JUST GETTING THE INTELLECTUAL
BAROMETER OF THE ROOM.

714
00:35:23,489 --> 00:35:25,191
THIS GUY.

715
00:35:25,191 --> 00:35:27,125
I LIKE LATE LAUGHERS, YOU KNOW?

716
00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:29,328
GUYS THAT ARE THINKING
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT,

717
00:35:29,328 --> 00:35:31,630
DECIDE TO RETURN
TO THE LAUGHTER.

718
00:35:31,630 --> 00:35:33,165
[laughs]

719
00:35:35,734 --> 00:35:38,103
[laughs]

720
00:35:38,103 --> 00:35:39,471
BUT I'M NOT MAKING FUN
OF YOUR LAUGH.

721
00:35:39,471 --> 00:35:41,473
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT--AT ALL.

722
00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:43,809
'CAUSE I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE
MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE'S LAUGHS.

723
00:35:43,809 --> 00:35:45,477
IT'S SUCH A TERRIBLE THING.

724
00:35:45,477 --> 00:35:47,078
YOU EVER HAD ANYBODY MAKE FUN
OF YOUR LAUGH?

725
00:35:47,078 --> 00:35:49,548
THAT'S BASICALLY LIKE SAYING,
"HEY, YOU KNOW THAT SOUND

726
00:35:49,548 --> 00:35:52,918
"THAT YOU MAKE WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY
AND JOYFUL

727
00:35:52,918 --> 00:35:56,087
"AND THE TRAGEDY AND SADNESS
THAT PERMEATES OUR LIVES

728
00:35:56,087 --> 00:35:59,258
"IS TEMPORARILY SET ASIDE
FOR A MOMENT OF EUPHORIA?

729
00:35:59,258 --> 00:36:02,328
"YEAH, YOU SOUND STUPID.

730
00:36:02,328 --> 00:36:04,162
YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT."

731
00:36:07,899 --> 00:36:09,535
AND WHEN
WE FIRST STARTED DATING,

732
00:36:09,535 --> 00:36:14,673
KAREN USED TO SAY THAT SHE HATED
WHEN I WOULD LAUGH REALLY HARD,

733
00:36:14,673 --> 00:36:18,244
BECAUSE SHE SAID IT SOUNDED LIKE
I WANTED TO KILL HER.

734
00:36:20,546 --> 00:36:23,114
YOU KNOW HOW SNOOP DOGG SAYS YOU
GOT TO DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT?

735
00:36:23,114 --> 00:36:25,116
WELL, I DROPPED THAT LIKE IT
WAS ANY TEMPERATURE.

736
00:36:25,116 --> 00:36:26,485
[maniacal laughter]

737
00:36:26,485 --> 00:36:30,456
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

738
00:36:30,456 --> 00:36:33,091
SORRY.

739
00:36:33,091 --> 00:36:34,660
UGH.

740
00:36:34,660 --> 00:36:36,795
THIS WOMAN WOULDN'T LET ME
HOLD HER BABY THE OTHER DAY,

741
00:36:36,795 --> 00:36:40,766
BECAUSE SHE SAID
I WAS TOO DRUNK.

742
00:36:40,766 --> 00:36:43,569
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, DON'T BRING
YOUR BABY INTO THE BAR.

743
00:36:43,569 --> 00:36:45,971
AM I RIGHT?

744
00:36:45,971 --> 00:36:47,639
AND SECOND OF ALL,

745
00:36:47,639 --> 00:36:50,876
IF I'M DRINKING MALT LIQUOR ON
A PLAYGROUND, I CALL THAT A BAR.

746
00:36:50,876 --> 00:36:54,413
YEAH.
YEAH.

747
00:36:59,751 --> 00:37:02,187
DO YOU EVER SAY SOMETHING AND
YOU REGRET IT RIGHT AFTERWARDS?

748
00:37:02,187 --> 00:37:05,957
LIKE I JUST DID, YEAH.

749
00:37:05,957 --> 00:37:07,526
YOU WANT TO HEAR THE WORST THING
THAT I EVER SAID?

750
00:37:07,526 --> 00:37:08,794
THIS IS SO AWFUL.

751
00:37:08,794 --> 00:37:10,296
I WAS AT THIS PARTY,
AND THIS GIRL CAME OVER,

752
00:37:10,296 --> 00:37:11,530
AND SHE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY,

753
00:37:11,530 --> 00:37:12,564
BUT I TURNED
TO MY FRIEND, AND I GO,

754
00:37:12,564 --> 00:37:13,999
"[wincing]

755
00:37:13,999 --> 00:37:16,868
LOOKS LIKE SHE GOT HIT
IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL."

756
00:37:16,868 --> 00:37:20,138
AND HE WAS LIKE, "SHE DID GET
HIT IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL."

757
00:37:20,138 --> 00:37:21,807
AND I WAS LIKE, "SORRY."

758
00:37:21,807 --> 00:37:24,943
AND HE'S LIKE, "T.J., YOU HIT
HER IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL.

759
00:37:24,943 --> 00:37:27,145
"THREE WEEKS AGO,
YOU WERE BURYING TREASURE,

760
00:37:27,145 --> 00:37:28,380
AND SHE SCARED YOU."

761
00:37:28,380 --> 00:37:31,116
AND THAT'S TRUE.
SHE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

762
00:37:34,620 --> 00:37:36,187
I DON'T CARE IF YOU--

763
00:37:36,187 --> 00:37:37,188
I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE
MY COMEDY

764
00:37:37,188 --> 00:37:38,557
OR IF YOU THINK I'M FUNNY.

765
00:37:38,557 --> 00:37:39,958
IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME,
BECAUSE AFTER THE SHOW,

766
00:37:39,958 --> 00:37:43,329
I'M PROBABLY GONNA
GET A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.

767
00:37:43,329 --> 00:37:44,830
MAYBE SOME OF THIS.

768
00:37:44,830 --> 00:37:47,966
SOME OF THIS.

769
00:37:47,966 --> 00:37:50,369
OR IF I'M REALLY LUCKY,
TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGHT

770
00:37:50,369 --> 00:37:52,771
I'LL GET WHAT I'VE
ALWAYS BEEN LOOKING FOR,

771
00:37:52,771 --> 00:37:53,939
A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.

772
00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:04,550
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD
ABOUT THAT ONE,

773
00:38:04,550 --> 00:38:07,085
THOSE OF YOU THAT DIDN'T
LIKE IT DON'T KNOW WHY.

774
00:38:12,358 --> 00:38:16,127
SOME OF MY BEST THINKING IS DONE
IN MY SHIRT THAT SAYS, "IDAHO?

775
00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:20,699
YOU DA HO."

776
00:38:20,699 --> 00:38:22,568
I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW
LANGUAGE TRULY IS A ELASTIC,

777
00:38:22,568 --> 00:38:24,102
ISN'T IT?

778
00:38:24,102 --> 00:38:27,773
EVEN CHANGING ONE LETTER CAN
CHANGE THE SEMANTICS OF A WORD,

779
00:38:27,773 --> 00:38:29,307
AND THEN I HAD
A TOTALLY SEPARATE THOUGHT.

780
00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:32,310
I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR
PERCEPTION OF OUR OWN BODIES

781
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:33,712
IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT

782
00:38:33,712 --> 00:38:36,114
THAN OTHER PEOPLE'S PERCEPTION
OF OUR BODIES.

783
00:38:36,114 --> 00:38:37,683
ISN'T THAT TRUE?

784
00:38:37,683 --> 00:38:39,184
AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT
WHEN I WAS WEARING MY SHIRT

785
00:38:39,184 --> 00:38:40,686
THAT SAYS,
"THIS IS AIN'T A BEER BELLY.

786
00:38:40,686 --> 00:38:42,954
IT'S A GAS TANK
FOR A FUCK MACHINE."

787
00:38:52,398 --> 00:38:54,466
SO I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS,
T-SHIRTS CAN TELL YOU

788
00:38:54,466 --> 00:38:56,635
A LOT ABOUT A PERSON
AND HOW THEY THINK.

789
00:38:56,635 --> 00:38:58,269
FOR INSTANCE, I SAW A GUY.

790
00:38:58,269 --> 00:39:01,507
HE WAS WEARING A SHIRT THAT
SAID, "WARNING, CHOKING HAZARD."

791
00:39:01,507 --> 00:39:05,010
AND THEN THERE WAS
AN ARROW POINTING DOWN.

792
00:39:05,010 --> 00:39:06,745
AND THAT TELLS YOU A FEW THINGS
ABOUT THAT GUY.

793
00:39:06,745 --> 00:39:07,879
ONE, HE'S GOT A KILLER SENSE
OF HUMOR.

794
00:39:07,879 --> 00:39:09,915
AM I RIGHT?

795
00:39:09,915 --> 00:39:12,884
TWO, HE'S CONCERNED
WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S SAFETY.

796
00:39:12,884 --> 00:39:15,053
THAT'S A BONUS.

797
00:39:15,053 --> 00:39:18,824
AND THREE, HE'S A DATE RAPIST.

798
00:39:18,824 --> 00:39:22,961
SO DON'T TALK TO HIM.

799
00:39:22,961 --> 00:39:26,798
I FEEL LIKE THOSE ARE THE GUYS
THAT WRITE BATHROOM GRAFFITI.

800
00:39:26,798 --> 00:39:28,366
I DON'T KNOW.

801
00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:32,270
HOW MANY OF YOU ARE ENTHUSIASTIC
ABOUT BATHROOM GRAFFITI?

802
00:39:32,270 --> 00:39:34,272
I THINK IT'S NICE FOR SOMEBODY
TO TAKE TIME OUT

803
00:39:34,272 --> 00:39:36,241
OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING
TO WRITE SOMETHING FOR US

804
00:39:36,241 --> 00:39:41,112
TO READ WHILE WE'RE DOING
WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

805
00:39:41,112 --> 00:39:43,214
BUT I FIND IT'S OFTEN
EXAGGERATED, YOU KNOW?

806
00:39:43,214 --> 00:39:44,783
IT'S HYPERBOLE FOR EFFECT.

807
00:39:44,783 --> 00:39:46,384
SO I CARRY A SHARPIE MARKER,

808
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:50,989
AND I'LL ADD TO IT UNDERNEATH
TO MAKE IT MORE TRUTHFUL.

809
00:39:50,989 --> 00:39:53,024
SO YOU KNOW,
SOMEBODY WILL WRITE, LIKE,

810
00:39:53,024 --> 00:39:55,160
"FLORIDA STATE SUCKS."

811
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:56,428
AND UNDERNEATH, I'LL WRITE,

812
00:39:56,428 --> 00:40:00,699
"MOSTLY BECAUSE
OF BUDGETARY RESTRICTIONS."

813
00:40:00,699 --> 00:40:02,768
YOU KNOW, OR THEY'LL WRITE,
"SARAH'S A SLUT."

814
00:40:02,768 --> 00:40:04,670
AND UNDERNEATH, I'LL WRITE,
"BECAUSE HER PARENTS DIDN'T

815
00:40:04,670 --> 00:40:06,505
"GIVE HER ENOUGH ATTENTION,
SHE SEEKS OUT MALE ATTENTION

816
00:40:06,505 --> 00:40:09,841
IN NEGATIVE WAYS."

817
00:40:09,841 --> 00:40:11,109
THAT'S TRUE.

818
00:40:15,481 --> 00:40:18,484
OR SOMEBODY WILL WRITE, "FOR
A GOOD TIME, CALL THIS NUMBER."

819
00:40:18,484 --> 00:40:20,218
AND I'LL CROSS OUT
THE NUMBER AND PUT MINE,

820
00:40:20,218 --> 00:40:23,989
AND THEN I'LL CROSS OUT
THE WORD GOOD AND PUT, "WEIRD."

821
00:40:23,989 --> 00:40:27,125
AND THEN I'LL CUT OUT TWO LITTLE
EYE HOLES RIGHT ABOVE IT,

822
00:40:27,125 --> 00:40:28,627
SO WHEN THEY'RE
FINISHED READING,

823
00:40:28,627 --> 00:40:29,761
AND I JUST POP UP AND GO:

824
00:40:40,606 --> 00:40:45,110
CAN YOU GUYS IMAGINE IF I HAD
KETCHUP BOTTLES INSTEAD OF LEGS?

825
00:40:45,110 --> 00:40:47,546
TAKE A MOMENT AND IMAGINE THAT.

826
00:40:47,546 --> 00:40:49,347
IF I HAD KETCHUP BOTTLES
FOR LEGS.

827
00:40:49,347 --> 00:40:52,350
LOOK AT THAT.

828
00:40:52,350 --> 00:40:56,054
NOW, HOW MANY OF YOU IN HERE,

829
00:40:56,054 --> 00:40:59,491
WHEN YOU IMAGINED MY LEGS
OF KETCHUP BOTTLES,

830
00:40:59,491 --> 00:41:01,059
IMAGINED THE FAT BASE
OF THE BOTTLE

831
00:41:01,059 --> 00:41:02,227
WHERE MY FEET WOULD BE?

832
00:41:02,227 --> 00:41:03,261
BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE,
HOW MANY PEOPLE?

833
00:41:03,261 --> 00:41:04,262
YES?

834
00:41:04,262 --> 00:41:05,897
[applause]

835
00:41:05,897 --> 00:41:07,799
SO YOU'RE ALL PEOPLE THAT I
WOULD CONSIDER TO BE FRIENDS,

836
00:41:07,799 --> 00:41:10,201
AND YOU'RE REASONABLE
INDIVIDUALS, OKAY?

837
00:41:10,201 --> 00:41:13,438
NOW HOW MANY OF THE REST OF YOU
LIVE IN A FANCIFUL WORLD,

838
00:41:13,438 --> 00:41:15,473
AND YOU IMAGINED THAT I HAD
THE LITTLE WHITE CAPS

839
00:41:15,473 --> 00:41:16,542
AS MY SHOES?

840
00:41:16,542 --> 00:41:17,543
[applause]

841
00:41:17,543 --> 00:41:19,645
SURE. YEAH. YEAH.
YEAH.

842
00:41:19,645 --> 00:41:24,082
LIKE THAT'S PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.

843
00:41:24,082 --> 00:41:27,085
I CAN'T BALANCE ON THOSE
LITTLE CIPPY-CAPPY.

844
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:31,356
TIP-TOPPERS.
OKAY?

845
00:41:31,356 --> 00:41:33,992
AS SOON AS I GET ANY SPEED
GOING, I'M GONNA TRIP.

846
00:41:33,992 --> 00:41:35,460
MY LEGS ARE GONNA
SHATTER EVERYWHERE.

847
00:41:39,264 --> 00:41:41,466
HERE'S ANOTHER WEIRD THING
ABOUT THE HUMAN MIND.

848
00:41:41,466 --> 00:41:44,970
NOW EVERYBODY IMAGINE ME
WITH WINGS ON MY HEAD.

849
00:41:44,970 --> 00:41:46,738
IMAGINE THAT.

850
00:41:46,738 --> 00:41:49,608
WE ALL IMAGINED THE SAME THING,
THIS, RIGHT?

851
00:41:49,608 --> 00:41:52,410
NOBODY IMAGINED THIS.

852
00:41:52,410 --> 00:41:54,179
'CAUSE IT HURTS YOUR NOSE.

853
00:42:00,986 --> 00:42:03,555
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
INTRODUCING MYSELF

854
00:42:03,555 --> 00:42:07,058
AS SOMEONE NAMED
TIM GREGORY.

855
00:42:07,058 --> 00:42:11,429
HERE ARE MY TOP THREE FAVORITES.

856
00:42:11,429 --> 00:42:14,566
HI, I'M TIM GREGORY.
PUT HERE THERE, RIGHT THERE.

857
00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:20,505
YO, WHAT'S UP?
IT'S ME, TIMMY G.

858
00:42:20,505 --> 00:42:22,007
TIM GREGORY.

859
00:42:29,615 --> 00:42:32,718
WHOA--I DIDN'T NOTICE YOU THERE,
LURKING IN THE SHADOWS.

860
00:42:32,718 --> 00:42:34,853
ARE YOU A NINJA?
JUST KIDDING. I'M TIM.

861
00:42:38,356 --> 00:42:39,991
SO THOSE ARE MY THREE FAVORITES.

862
00:42:39,991 --> 00:42:42,460
IF YOU CAN THINK
OF ANY BETTER ONES,

863
00:42:42,460 --> 00:42:44,162
SEND ME A FACEBOOK MESSAGE,

864
00:42:44,162 --> 00:42:46,264
BUT DON'T EVER TELL ME
TO FACEBOOK YOU,

865
00:42:46,264 --> 00:42:48,066
'CAUSE I'LL JUST HIT YOU
IN THE FACE WITH A BOOK.

866
00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,414
WELL, WE CAN ALL AGREE.

867
00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:05,717
DENVER-BOULDER LIKES
TO FUCKING PARTY.

868
00:43:05,717 --> 00:43:08,654
[cheers and applause]

869
00:43:12,357 --> 00:43:15,026
AS I MENTIONED BEFORE,

870
00:43:15,026 --> 00:43:17,262
I RECENTLY GOT DIVORCED
FROM MY WIFE OF--

871
00:43:17,262 --> 00:43:20,265
EX-WIFE NOW.
I KEEP SAYING WIFE.

872
00:43:20,265 --> 00:43:24,502
MY EX-WIFE OF 27 YEARS, KAREN,
AND--

873
00:43:24,502 --> 00:43:27,272
YOU KNOW, WHENEVER
YOU SPLIT FROM SOMEONE,

874
00:43:27,272 --> 00:43:29,107
WE ALWAYS WANT TO BLAME
THE OTHER PERSON, DON'T WE?

875
00:43:29,107 --> 00:43:30,375
WE DO.

876
00:43:30,375 --> 00:43:31,710
BUT IT'S ALWAYS
BOTH PEOPLE'S FAULT.

877
00:43:31,710 --> 00:43:33,211
I HAD MY PART IN IT, YOU KNOW?

878
00:43:33,211 --> 00:43:34,813
I WAS IRRESPONSIBLE.

879
00:43:34,813 --> 00:43:37,415
I DIDN'T ALWAYS
KEEP MY WORD, YOU KNOW?

880
00:43:37,415 --> 00:43:40,118
I ASKED QUESTIONS
THAT I DIDN'T REALLY

881
00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:41,853
WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO.

882
00:43:41,853 --> 00:43:43,922
LIKE, GUYS, DON'T DO THIS.

883
00:43:43,922 --> 00:43:46,157
I ASKED HER WHAT SHE THOUGHT
ABOUT THE SIZE OF...

884
00:43:46,157 --> 00:43:47,092
YOU KNOW.

885
00:43:55,466 --> 00:43:57,168
AND SHE SAID IT WAS JUST RIGHT.

886
00:43:57,168 --> 00:43:59,838
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID,
JUST RIGHT.

887
00:43:59,838 --> 00:44:01,807
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

888
00:44:01,807 --> 00:44:05,210
LET'S ALL THINK ABOUT THAT
AS A GROUP.

889
00:44:05,210 --> 00:44:07,846
THAT MEANS SHE'S HAD
A LOT SMALLER.

890
00:44:07,846 --> 00:44:11,049
SHE'S ALSO HAD A LOT BIGGER.

891
00:44:11,049 --> 00:44:14,452
BUT I ENDED UP BEING JUST RIGHT.

892
00:44:14,452 --> 00:44:18,456
SHE'S LIKE GOLDILOCKS.
SHE TRIED EVERYTHING.

893
00:44:18,456 --> 00:44:21,960
BUT THE PORRIDGE WAS PENISES.

894
00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:25,630
SHE'S THE GOLDILOCKS OF DICKS.

895
00:44:25,630 --> 00:44:26,932
SHE'S GOLDI-COCKS.

896
00:44:34,505 --> 00:44:38,143
LADIES, YOU SHOULD KNOW
I'M ALL HEAD, NO SHAFT.

897
00:44:42,380 --> 00:44:43,648
ALL HEAD, NO SHAFT.

898
00:44:43,648 --> 00:44:45,616
LOOKS LIKE A PORTABELLA MUSHROOM
SMASHED MY DICK.

899
00:44:49,087 --> 00:44:51,356
GOT ONE OF THEM SHIITAKE COCKS.

900
00:44:51,356 --> 00:44:54,225
SUPER MARIO 1-UP DICK.

901
00:44:54,225 --> 00:44:56,127
A GIRL GOES DOWN ON ME,
SHE GETS AN EXTRA GUY.

902
00:44:56,127 --> 00:44:57,062
THAT'S WEIRD.

903
00:45:01,833 --> 00:45:04,335
NOW, I REALIZE THAT I MAY HAVE
ALIENATED SOME OF YOU

904
00:45:04,335 --> 00:45:06,504
WITH THAT LAST PIECE
OF MATERIAL.

905
00:45:06,504 --> 00:45:10,441
AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE,
BUT RATHER THAN PUSH YOU AWAY,

906
00:45:10,441 --> 00:45:11,442
I WAS ACTUALLY
TRYING TO HELP YOU

907
00:45:11,442 --> 00:45:13,111
BY BRINGING YOU CLOSER TO ME.

908
00:45:13,111 --> 00:45:14,813
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING,
"T.J., HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"

909
00:45:14,813 --> 00:45:16,147
WELL, WHAT DO WE DO
WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG

910
00:45:16,147 --> 00:45:17,182
IN OUR LIVES?

911
00:45:17,182 --> 00:45:18,183
WHAT DO WE SAY?

912
00:45:18,183 --> 00:45:20,952
FML, RIGHT?
F. MY LIFE.

913
00:45:20,952 --> 00:45:25,290
FUCK MY L.
OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY.

914
00:45:25,290 --> 00:45:29,294
BUT HOPEFULLY THE NEXT TIME THAT
SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU,

915
00:45:29,294 --> 00:45:30,661
YOU'LL STOP YOURSELF.

916
00:45:30,661 --> 00:45:33,498
YOU'LL SAY, "FM--
HOLD ON A SECOND.

917
00:45:33,498 --> 00:45:36,001
"YOU KNOW, T.J. MILLER
CAME ON STAGE,

918
00:45:36,001 --> 00:45:39,871
"AND HE OPENED UP TO US
ABOUT A CONDITION THAT HE HAD

919
00:45:39,871 --> 00:45:45,210
"WHERE HE WAS PRIMARILY HEAD
AND VERY LITTLE SHAFT.

920
00:45:45,210 --> 00:45:49,614
"AND NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS
GET FOR ME, AT LEAST IN COLLEGE,

921
00:45:49,614 --> 00:45:52,483
"THEY DIDN'T USE TO CALL ME
'OLD BROCCOLI DICK.'"

922
00:45:55,453 --> 00:45:58,123
NOW, I TRIED TO MAKE THE BEST
OF IT, OKAY?

923
00:45:58,123 --> 00:46:00,826
I TRIED TO MAKE LEMONS OUT
OF LEMONADE.

924
00:46:00,826 --> 00:46:02,227
THAT'S VERY DIFFICULT.

925
00:46:02,227 --> 00:46:03,594
THAT'S THE WRONG ORDER
IN WHICH TO DO THAT.

926
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:05,163
YOU GOT TO FREEZE THE LEMONADE

927
00:46:05,163 --> 00:46:07,298
INTO LITTLE FROZEN
LEMON BALL SPHERE--

928
00:46:07,298 --> 00:46:11,069
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

929
00:46:11,069 --> 00:46:18,543
THE POINT IS, MY TALE IS A TALE
OF INSPIRATION AND HOPE.

930
00:46:18,543 --> 00:46:21,880
BECAUSE WITH ENOUGH HARD WORK
AND DEDICATION,

931
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:24,149
I WAS IN YOGI BEAR 3-D.

932
00:46:24,149 --> 00:46:27,085
[cheers and applause]

933
00:46:34,292 --> 00:46:36,261
I AM PLEASED TO SAY
THAT I MADE ENOUGH MONEY

934
00:46:36,261 --> 00:46:38,363
THAT I GOT AN OPERATION
DOWN THERE,

935
00:46:38,363 --> 00:46:40,798
AND NOW IT LOOKS A LITTLE BIT
MORE LIKE THIS:

936
00:46:45,736 --> 00:46:48,439
MY PENIS HAS A METAL BASE,
AND THE HEAD IS DETACHABLE.

937
00:46:48,439 --> 00:46:51,676
AND IT AMPLIFIES YOUR VOICE,

938
00:46:51,676 --> 00:46:53,444
WHICH MAKES FOR
VERY CONFUSING FELLATIO.

939
00:47:00,018 --> 00:47:03,922
BUT YOU KNOW,
KAREN HAD HER ISSUES TOO.

940
00:47:03,922 --> 00:47:05,957
[sighs]

941
00:47:05,957 --> 00:47:08,226
SHE HAD TRUST ISSUES, YOU KNOW?

942
00:47:08,226 --> 00:47:09,394
SHE WENT THROUGH MY EMAIL.

943
00:47:09,394 --> 00:47:10,595
DO WE HAVE ANY GIRLS IN HERE

944
00:47:10,595 --> 00:47:14,565
THAT GO THROUGH
THEIR GUYS' EMAIL?

945
00:47:14,565 --> 00:47:16,201
- [whistling]

946
00:47:16,201 --> 00:47:18,803
[scattered cheers]

947
00:47:18,803 --> 00:47:20,805
- DO WE HAVE ANY GIRLS IN HERE
THAT ARE SITTING

948
00:47:20,805 --> 00:47:23,508
AS COMPLETELY STILL
SO AS NOT TO BETRAY

949
00:47:23,508 --> 00:47:27,913
THE FACT THAT THEY--

950
00:47:27,913 --> 00:47:29,447
AND WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

951
00:47:29,447 --> 00:47:31,516
AND DID YOU GUYS LIKE THAT MOVE
WHEN I ALMOST HIT THE STOOL?

952
00:47:31,516 --> 00:47:34,419
THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
I ALMOST HIT THE STOOL.

953
00:47:34,419 --> 00:47:36,154
I WAS ABOUT TO BACK INTO IT,

954
00:47:36,154 --> 00:47:38,289
BUT INSTEAD I DID
A LITTLE PIROUETTE,

955
00:47:38,289 --> 00:47:39,925
AND NOW EVERYTHING'S FINE,

956
00:47:39,925 --> 00:47:40,959
AND IF I HAD JUST
NOT MENTIONED IT,

957
00:47:40,959 --> 00:47:41,993
WE WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD.

958
00:47:46,998 --> 00:47:48,599
SHE DID.
SHE WENT THROUGH MY EMAILS.

959
00:47:48,599 --> 00:47:49,968
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

960
00:47:49,968 --> 00:47:51,269
WHY WOULD YOU
GO THROUGH SOMEONE'S EMAIL?

961
00:47:51,269 --> 00:47:52,904
DID SHE FIND WHAT
SHE WAS LOOKING FOR?

962
00:47:52,904 --> 00:47:55,440
DID SHE FIND SOME EMAIL THAT
WAS LIKE, "HEY, IT'S ME, T.J.

963
00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:57,175
"READ ALL THIS IN WHISPER TONE.

964
00:47:57,175 --> 00:47:59,510
"I LOVE CHEATING ON YOU
WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, OKAY?

965
00:47:59,510 --> 00:48:01,712
"ALL RIGHTY, I GOT TO GO.
SHE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

966
00:48:01,712 --> 00:48:04,815
LOVE YOU MORE THAN HER, T.J."

967
00:48:04,815 --> 00:48:06,217
NO, OF COURSE NOT, OKAY.

968
00:48:06,217 --> 00:48:09,554
AND SHE EVEN WENT THROUGH
PAST EMAILS, YOU KNOW?

969
00:48:09,554 --> 00:48:11,089
SHE WENT THROUGH EMAILS

970
00:48:11,089 --> 00:48:12,958
THAT I HAD SENT
TO A COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND,

971
00:48:12,958 --> 00:48:15,260
AND WHY
WOULD SHE DO THAT?

972
00:48:15,260 --> 00:48:18,796
WAS SHE JUST LIKE, "I WANT TO
HAVE A TERRIBLE WEEK," YOU KNOW?

973
00:48:18,796 --> 00:48:21,132
SHE CAME TO ME--
THIS IS TRUE--

974
00:48:21,132 --> 00:48:23,001
AND SHE SAID,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?

975
00:48:23,001 --> 00:48:24,335
"YOU'RE AN UNORIGINAL JERK.

976
00:48:24,335 --> 00:48:25,937
"EVERYTHING
THAT YOU'VE SAID TO ME,

977
00:48:25,937 --> 00:48:28,773
YOU'VE SAID
TO SOME OTHER GIRL."

978
00:48:28,773 --> 00:48:32,377
AND I FELT AWFUL,
BUT I WAS LIKE, "YEAH.

979
00:48:32,377 --> 00:48:34,345
OF COURSE."

980
00:48:34,345 --> 00:48:37,548
THERE'S ONLY A LIMITED AMOUNT
OF WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

981
00:48:37,548 --> 00:48:39,650
THAT MAKE SENSE TO SAY
TO A FEMALE.

982
00:48:39,650 --> 00:48:42,420
IF YOU CAN ONLY USE THEM ONCE,
YOU'RE GONNA RUN OUT

983
00:48:42,420 --> 00:48:46,924
AND BE LIKE,
"GARBAGE TRUCK, BANANA BOAT."

984
00:48:46,924 --> 00:48:47,959
DID SHE WANT ME TO MAKE UP--

985
00:48:47,959 --> 00:48:50,261
- INCONSIDERATE FUCK!

986
00:48:50,261 --> 00:48:53,164
[all gasping]

987
00:48:53,164 --> 00:48:57,302
- OH, SEE, SO--

988
00:48:57,302 --> 00:49:01,039
SO AS I WAS SAYING EARLIER,

989
00:49:01,039 --> 00:49:05,510
BEFORE A GIRL DURING MY
COMEDY CENTRAL HOUR SPECIAL

990
00:49:05,510 --> 00:49:10,281
GOT UP AND WENT,
"YOU'RE AN INCONSIDERATE FUCK!"

991
00:49:10,281 --> 00:49:13,218
[applause]

992
00:49:17,222 --> 00:49:20,125
OH, GOD.

993
00:49:20,125 --> 00:49:25,863
SHE HAD A BACK TATTOO THAT IN
CHINESE, I THINK, SAID, "SORRY."

994
00:49:25,863 --> 00:49:29,067
[cheers and applause]

995
00:49:29,067 --> 00:49:32,037
IT SAID--

996
00:49:32,037 --> 00:49:36,074
ACTUALLY,
I READ THE WHOLE THING.

997
00:49:36,074 --> 00:49:37,842
IT SAID, "SORRY, I'M SURE
YOU THOUGHT

998
00:49:37,842 --> 00:49:39,677
THIS WAS GOING TO BE BETTER."

999
00:49:39,677 --> 00:49:42,613
[cheers]

1000
00:49:48,886 --> 00:49:52,790
SO AS I WAS SAYING, YOU KNOW,

1001
00:49:52,790 --> 00:49:55,993
WHEN KAREN WENT THROUGH
MY EMAILS AND SHE SAID

1002
00:49:55,993 --> 00:49:58,129
HOW UNORIGINAL I WAS, I MEAN,

1003
00:49:58,129 --> 00:49:59,230
WHAT DID SHE WANT ME TO DO?

1004
00:49:59,230 --> 00:50:00,831
DID SHE WANT ME
TO MAKE UP WORDS?

1005
00:50:00,831 --> 00:50:02,133
I WOULD HAVE, YOU KNOW?

1006
00:50:02,133 --> 00:50:06,537
I LOVED HER. YOU KNOW.

1007
00:50:06,537 --> 00:50:08,173
I WOULD HAVE GONE UP TO HER
AND SAID, "HEY, LISTEN TO ME.

1008
00:50:08,173 --> 00:50:09,807
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
BUT I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT,

1009
00:50:09,807 --> 00:50:12,009
"BECAUSE
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE.

1010
00:50:12,009 --> 00:50:13,878
"INSTEAD, I WANT TO TELL YOU

1011
00:50:13,878 --> 00:50:18,749
"THAT YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
'FADAKTUYAPUTS,'

1012
00:50:18,749 --> 00:50:22,953
"AND WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER,
IT IS SO 'SHAPUNKAYOOTS.'

1013
00:50:25,956 --> 00:50:29,894
"AND I'VE NEVER SAID
ANY OF THIS TO ANYBODY BEFORE.

1014
00:50:29,894 --> 00:50:31,596
"BUT WHEN WE MAKE LOVE,
IT IS ABSOLUTELY...

1015
00:50:31,596 --> 00:50:37,502
[speaking nonsense syllables]"

1016
00:50:41,172 --> 00:50:42,173
NO, 'CAUSE SHE WAS A PESSIMIST.

1017
00:50:42,173 --> 00:50:43,608
SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SAID,

1018
00:50:43,608 --> 00:50:46,444
"YOU PROBABLY SAID THAT
TO SOME NATIVE AMERICAN GIRL."

1019
00:50:50,348 --> 00:50:52,750
I TRAVEL A LOT NOW.

1020
00:50:52,750 --> 00:50:54,919
ONE OF THE WAYS THAT I MAKE IT
BETTER IS,

1021
00:50:54,919 --> 00:50:57,755
YOU KNOW WHENEVER
A PLANE LANDS,

1022
00:50:57,755 --> 00:50:59,857
THE PILOT WILL GET
ON THE P.A. SYSTEM AND GO,

1023
00:50:59,857 --> 00:51:02,627
"UNITED AIRLINES WOULD LIKE
TO BE THE FIRST TO WELCOME YOU

1024
00:51:02,627 --> 00:51:03,628
"TO DENVER, COLORADO.

1025
00:51:03,628 --> 00:51:04,862
"WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS,

1026
00:51:04,862 --> 00:51:05,930
AND WE HOPE YOU'LL FLY
WITH US AGAIN."

1027
00:51:05,930 --> 00:51:07,165
WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS,

1028
00:51:07,165 --> 00:51:08,533
RIGHT BEFORE WE'RE ABOUT
TO TOUCH DOWN,

1029
00:51:08,533 --> 00:51:10,668
I JUST YELL,
"WELCOME TO DENVER!"

1030
00:51:17,007 --> 00:51:18,309
'CAUSE THEY HAVE TO GET ON
AND GO,

1031
00:51:18,309 --> 00:51:21,846
"[sighs]

1032
00:51:25,350 --> 00:51:27,952
"WELL, NOW HE SAID IT,
SO I CAN'T SAY IT.

1033
00:51:27,952 --> 00:51:29,287
"HE ALREADY SAID IT.

1034
00:51:29,287 --> 00:51:32,557
"YOU SHUT UP, GLENN.
YOU'RE THE COPILOT.

1035
00:51:32,557 --> 00:51:35,493
"UNITED AIRLINES WOULD LIKE
TO BE THE SECOND TO WELCOME YOU

1036
00:51:35,493 --> 00:51:38,863
"TO DENVER, COLORADO,
THANKS TO PASSENGER 19B

1037
00:51:38,863 --> 00:51:43,434
WHO HAD 15 SCOTCH AND SODAS AND
FELL ASLEEP IN THE BATHROOM."

1038
00:51:43,434 --> 00:51:45,303
THAT'S A TRUE STORY,
THAT LAST PART.

1039
00:51:45,303 --> 00:51:48,239
[cheers and applause]

1040
00:51:55,246 --> 00:51:56,781
I LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

1041
00:51:56,781 --> 00:52:01,952
IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, A YOUNG
COUPLE TRIED TO SELL THEIR BABY

1042
00:52:01,952 --> 00:52:04,722
IN A WAL-MART PARKING LOT
FOR $50.

1043
00:52:04,722 --> 00:52:05,756
- YEAH!

1044
00:52:05,756 --> 00:52:07,225
- NOW, BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT--

1045
00:52:07,225 --> 00:52:09,494
AND DEFINITELY DON'T YELL "YEAH"
LIKE THAT GUY DID.

1046
00:52:09,494 --> 00:52:14,399
THAT GUY WAS LIKE, "YEAH!
OH, NOPE. NO.

1047
00:52:14,399 --> 00:52:17,134
I'M NOT IN A SAFE PLACE."

1048
00:52:17,134 --> 00:52:21,972
BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT, THE COUPLE
WAS DEFINITELY METH HEADS.

1049
00:52:21,972 --> 00:52:23,408
THEY WERE DEFINITELY METH HEADS.

1050
00:52:23,408 --> 00:52:26,076
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I LOOKED UP
THEIR PICTURE ONLINE,

1051
00:52:26,076 --> 00:52:28,479
AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'VE BEEN
DOING METH

1052
00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:29,847
AND YOU'VE BEEN SCRATCHING
YOUR FACE ALL DAY

1053
00:52:29,847 --> 00:52:31,349
'CAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD,
AND YOU'RE LIKE,

1054
00:52:31,349 --> 00:52:32,583
"I GOT TO STOP
SCRATCHING MY FACE,

1055
00:52:32,583 --> 00:52:33,884
OTHERWISE IT'S GONNA
START BLEEDING,"

1056
00:52:33,884 --> 00:52:35,186
BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD
THAT YOU'RE LIKE,

1057
00:52:35,186 --> 00:52:36,621
"I JUST WANT
TO SCRATCH IT ONE MORE TIME,"

1058
00:52:36,621 --> 00:52:38,189
SO YOU MAKE A DEAL WITH YOURSELF
WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,

1059
00:52:38,189 --> 00:52:39,490
"OKAY, I CAN JUST SCRATCH IT ONE
MORE TIME REALLY, REALLY GOOD,

1060
00:52:39,490 --> 00:52:40,558
AND THEN I WON'T
SCRATCH IT AGAIN,"

1061
00:52:40,558 --> 00:52:41,992
BUT THEN YOU START SCRATCHING,

1062
00:52:41,992 --> 00:52:43,528
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I'M GONNA KEEP SCRATCHING."

1063
00:52:43,528 --> 00:52:45,696
AND THEN YOU START
BLEEDING PROFUSELY?

1064
00:52:45,696 --> 00:52:49,500
THAT'S WHEN THEY TOOK
THE PICTURE.

1065
00:52:49,500 --> 00:52:51,736
BUT I'M NOT CONCERNED
WITH THE SALE OF BABIES.

1066
00:52:51,736 --> 00:52:53,971
YOU'LL FIND THAT OUT ABOUT ME
IF WE BECOME BETTER FRIENDS.

1067
00:52:53,971 --> 00:52:58,709
AND I'M ALSO NOT TOO CONCERNED
WITH METH USE

1068
00:52:58,709 --> 00:53:01,779
UNTIL I HEARD THIS STORY,
BECAUSE METH IS NOW--

1069
00:53:01,779 --> 00:53:06,717
THAT'S A TERRIBLE DRUG BECAUSE
OF WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR MIND

1070
00:53:06,717 --> 00:53:12,089
IN TERMS OF UNDERSTANDING
THE VALUE OF A BABY

1071
00:53:12,089 --> 00:53:17,262
AND HOW TO SELL A BABY.

1072
00:53:17,262 --> 00:53:18,729
$50?

1073
00:53:18,729 --> 00:53:20,898
FIRST OF ALL, THEY PICKED
THE WRONG SALES LOCATION,

1074
00:53:20,898 --> 00:53:21,899
AND THAT'S EVERYTHING.

1075
00:53:21,899 --> 00:53:23,534
A WAL-MART PARKING LOT?

1076
00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:27,071
NO ONE IS WALKING
INTO A WAL-MART EXCITED

1077
00:53:27,071 --> 00:53:31,242
ABOUT THEIR LIFE AND WANTING
TO ADD MORE PEOPLE TO IT.

1078
00:53:31,242 --> 00:53:33,678
IF ANYTHING, THEY'RE THERE
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T STOP

1079
00:53:33,678 --> 00:53:37,548
ADDING PEOPLE TO THEIR LIFE.

1080
00:53:37,548 --> 00:53:38,983
THINK ABOUT IT.

1081
00:53:38,983 --> 00:53:40,451
HAVE YOU EVER WALKED
INTO WAL-MART AND BEEN LIKE,

1082
00:53:40,451 --> 00:53:42,387
"ALL MY DREAMS
ARE COMING TRUE"?

1083
00:53:42,387 --> 00:53:44,722
NO. OKAY.

1084
00:53:44,722 --> 00:53:46,357
IF ANYTHING, YOU'RE THERE

1085
00:53:46,357 --> 00:53:49,360
'CAUSE YOU KEEP ACCIDENTALLY
ADDING MORE LIFES TO YOUR LIFE.

1086
00:53:51,529 --> 00:53:53,531
BUT LET'S JUST PRETEND
FOR A SECOND THAT SOMEBODY

1087
00:53:53,531 --> 00:53:55,400
WOULD WAKE UP THAT MORNING,
AND THEY'RE LIKE,

1088
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:59,236
"OH, I WISH I HAD A BABY,
BUT I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

1089
00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:02,106
OR A WIFE, AND I WOULD BUY ONE,
BUT THAT'S ILLEGAL,

1090
00:54:02,106 --> 00:54:05,976
SO I GUESS
I'LL JUST GO TO WAL-MART."

1091
00:54:05,976 --> 00:54:07,445
AND THEN, AS THEY'RE WALKING
TO WAL-MART,

1092
00:54:07,445 --> 00:54:08,879
THEY'RE APPROACHED
BY A YOUNG METH HEAD COUPLE,

1093
00:54:08,879 --> 00:54:11,816
AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"HEY, YOU WANT TO BUY A BABY?"

1094
00:54:11,816 --> 00:54:15,486
"YES, I DO. THERE IS A DEITY.
HOW MUCH FOR THE BABY?"

1095
00:54:15,486 --> 00:54:17,522
"$50."

1096
00:54:17,522 --> 00:54:20,725
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE BABY?

1097
00:54:20,725 --> 00:54:23,828
"$50?
IS THE BABY ON CLEARANCE?

1098
00:54:23,828 --> 00:54:26,531
ARE THEY ROLLING BACK
BABY PRICES?"

1099
00:54:28,833 --> 00:54:32,136
CAN WE ALL AGREE, OKAY,
HUMAN LIFE IS PRICELESS, RIGHT?

1100
00:54:32,136 --> 00:54:37,207
BUT A BABY IS WORTH
AT LEAST $1,200.

1101
00:54:37,207 --> 00:54:40,110
WELL, $1,300
IF IT'S PUERTO RICAN.

1102
00:54:40,110 --> 00:54:42,046
[moaning]

1103
00:54:44,482 --> 00:54:46,484
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF YOU
REACTED NEGATIVELY

1104
00:54:46,484 --> 00:54:51,556
TO THE LAST PART OF THAT JOKE,
BUT IF YOU'D LISTENED CAREFULLY,

1105
00:54:51,556 --> 00:54:57,695
I OVERVALUED
THE PUERTO RICAN BABY BY $100.

1106
00:54:57,695 --> 00:55:01,065
SO IF WHEN I SAID THAT
THE GENERAL BABY WAS $1,200

1107
00:55:01,065 --> 00:55:03,834
AND THE PUERTO RICAN CHILD
WAS $1,300

1108
00:55:03,834 --> 00:55:06,737
AND YOU WENT, "UGH,"
YOU'RE RACIST.

1109
00:55:06,737 --> 00:55:10,307
THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.

1110
00:55:10,307 --> 00:55:13,243
[cheers and applause]

1111
00:55:19,650 --> 00:55:21,619
OKAY, I'D LIKE TO DO SOME
CHARACTERS FOR YOU GUYS.

1112
00:55:21,619 --> 00:55:23,320
THESE ARE REALLY SHORT
AND STRANGE,

1113
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:25,322
SO IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE
THE MORE ABSTRACT MATERIAL,

1114
00:55:25,322 --> 00:55:26,657
THEN YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT
GONNA LIKE THIS,

1115
00:55:26,657 --> 00:55:28,826
BUT JUST BEAR WITH ME.

1116
00:55:28,826 --> 00:55:30,395
IT'LL ALL BE OVER SOON.

1117
00:55:30,395 --> 00:55:33,364
THIS FIRST CHARACTER, THIS IS,
LIKE, A HIP-HOP GUY,

1118
00:55:33,364 --> 00:55:34,632
BUT WHEN HE LAUGHS,

1119
00:55:34,632 --> 00:55:37,334
HE LAUGHS LIKE
A YOUNG ASIAN SCHOOLGIRL.

1120
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,636
"YO, WHAT'S UP?
YOU GOING TO THE CLUB LATER?

1121
00:55:38,636 --> 00:55:40,371
"YEAH, I'M ABOUT TO HIT THAT UP.

1122
00:55:40,371 --> 00:55:42,306
"IF I'M LUCKY, I'LL BE HITTING
SOMETHING ELSE UP LATER ON,

1123
00:55:42,306 --> 00:55:43,408
"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

1124
00:55:43,408 --> 00:55:46,276
[tittering]"

1125
00:55:51,649 --> 00:55:56,120
THIS NEXT CHARACTER...

1126
00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:57,722
THIS IS A GUY WHO DOESN'T KNOW

1127
00:55:57,722 --> 00:56:00,157
HOW TO USE THE WORD
"CLUSTERFUCK" CORRECTLY.

1128
00:56:02,727 --> 00:56:04,429
"HEY, YOU KNOW THAT WAITRESS
I WAS WITH LAST NIGHT?

1129
00:56:04,429 --> 00:56:05,863
TOTALLY CLUSTERFUCKED HER."

1130
00:56:14,171 --> 00:56:16,340
THIS NEXT CHARACTER,
THIS IS A GUY WHO--

1131
00:56:16,340 --> 00:56:19,910
WHENEVER HE'S TRYING TO THINK OF
SOMETHING, HE HUMS TO HIMSELF,

1132
00:56:19,910 --> 00:56:24,248
BUT THE ONLY MUSIC
HE'S EVER HEARD IS HEAVY METAL.

1133
00:56:24,248 --> 00:56:26,684
"HOW LONG HAVE I LIVED HERE?
I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

1134
00:56:26,684 --> 00:56:29,620
[humming aggressively]

1135
00:56:31,722 --> 00:56:32,690
OH, ABOUT SIX MONTHS."

1136
00:56:39,263 --> 00:56:41,331
THANK YOU.

1137
00:56:41,331 --> 00:56:46,136
THIS NEXT CHARACTER, THIS IS GUY
WHOSE FAVORITE BAR IS A GAY BAR,

1138
00:56:46,136 --> 00:56:49,774
BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW
THAT IT'S A GAY BAR.

1139
00:56:49,774 --> 00:56:51,341
"YOU GUYS WANT TO GO
TO MY FAVORITE PLACE?

1140
00:56:51,341 --> 00:56:53,410
"YEAH, IT'S CALLED THE MAN HOLE.
YEAH, IT'S A LOT OF FUN.

1141
00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:55,045
"YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT
IF IT GETS HOT,

1142
00:56:55,045 --> 00:56:56,714
"AND THEY HAVE HOLES
IN THE BATHROOM STALLS

1143
00:56:56,714 --> 00:56:58,082
"SO YOU CAN PLAY TRICKS
ON EACH OTHER,

1144
00:56:58,082 --> 00:56:59,617
LIKE, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THERE?'"

1145
00:57:10,260 --> 00:57:13,764
THIS NEXT CHARACTER,
THIS IS A ROBOT

1146
00:57:13,764 --> 00:57:15,933
WHO'S ABOUT TO GET BUSY
ON THE DANCE FLOOR

1147
00:57:15,933 --> 00:57:20,505
BY DOING THE PERSON.

1148
00:57:20,505 --> 00:57:22,372
"ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS THING.

1149
00:57:22,372 --> 00:57:24,074
"I'M GONNA DO THE PERSON.

1150
00:57:24,074 --> 00:57:26,911
I HAVE EMOTIONS, AND I NEED
TO EAT TO LIVE."

1151
00:57:33,751 --> 00:57:36,687
[cheers and applause]

1152
00:57:40,558 --> 00:57:42,627
THIS IS A GIRL
WHOSE ORGASM FACE,

1153
00:57:42,627 --> 00:57:47,064
HER "O" FACE,
IS COMPLETELY NEUTRAL.

1154
00:57:47,064 --> 00:57:48,265
"OH, MY GOSH. OH.
OH, THIS IS AMAZING.

1155
00:57:48,265 --> 00:57:49,433
"OH, RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE.

1156
00:57:49,433 --> 00:57:50,968
"OH, HERE IT COMES.
HERE IT COMES.

1157
00:57:50,968 --> 00:57:53,938
"[moaning]

1158
00:57:56,173 --> 00:57:57,708
OH, MY GOD.
THAT WAS AMAZING."

1159
00:58:03,380 --> 00:58:05,516
THIS IS A GUY WHO'S REALLY PUSHY
ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT

1160
00:58:05,516 --> 00:58:08,686
YOU WANT A BITE OF HIS BANANA.

1161
00:58:08,686 --> 00:58:09,820
"HEY, YOU WANT A BITE
OF THIS OR NOT?

1162
00:58:09,820 --> 00:58:11,288
"I'M NOT ASKING A SECOND TIME.

1163
00:58:11,288 --> 00:58:12,790
"YOU WANT POTASSIUM
IN YOUR DIET,

1164
00:58:12,790 --> 00:58:14,224
"OR DO YOU WANT TO GET
A FOOT CRAMP TONIGHT?

1165
00:58:14,224 --> 00:58:16,326
"TIME'S TICKING.

1166
00:58:16,326 --> 00:58:17,261
[muffled] FUCK YOU."

1167
00:58:24,101 --> 00:58:28,739
AND THIS IS GUY WHO'S IMPOTENT,
BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP HIM

1168
00:58:28,739 --> 00:58:30,908
FROM TALKING REALLY DIRTY
IN THE BEDROOM.

1169
00:58:33,878 --> 00:58:38,649
"OH, YEAH, YOU WANT SOME
OF THIS SOGGY CHURRO, HUH?

1170
00:58:38,649 --> 00:58:41,652
"COME GET SOME OF THIS LIMP,
BROKEN BABY'S ARM.

1171
00:58:44,454 --> 00:58:46,924
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET THIS
WET NOODLE AL DENTE."

1172
00:58:50,527 --> 00:58:52,462
THAT WAS TOO MUCH PROBABLY.
YEAH. SORRY.

1173
00:58:52,462 --> 00:58:54,565
WAS PROBABLY TOO MUCH.

1174
00:58:54,565 --> 00:58:58,869
OH, THEN YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT
GONNA LIKE THIS ONE.

1175
00:58:58,869 --> 00:59:01,038
SO THIS A GIRL THAT,
WHENEVER SHE GETS HER PERIOD,

1176
00:59:01,038 --> 00:59:02,773
SHE TALKS
ABOUT IT A LOT,

1177
00:59:02,773 --> 00:59:05,710
BECAUSE SHE THINKS IT'S REALLY
CUTE AND FUNNY, BUT IT'S NOT.

1178
00:59:05,710 --> 00:59:07,211
IT'S HER PERIOD,
AND IT'S PRIVATE,

1179
00:59:07,211 --> 00:59:09,714
AND SHE DOESN'T NEED
TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.

1180
00:59:09,714 --> 00:59:11,816
"OKAY, YOU GUYS, I HAVE TO GO
TO THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM.

1181
00:59:11,816 --> 00:59:13,884
"YEAH, A LITTLE VISIT
FROM AUNT FLO.

1182
00:59:13,884 --> 00:59:17,755
"IT'S A CRIMSON WAVE DOWN THERE,
SO SAVE ME SOME CALAMARI.

1183
00:59:17,755 --> 00:59:19,023
"NO MARINARA, THOUGH.

1184
00:59:19,023 --> 00:59:21,258
I BROUGHT MY OWN."

1185
00:59:21,258 --> 00:59:22,326
[explosion]

1186
00:59:22,326 --> 00:59:25,362
[cheers and applause]

1187
00:59:25,362 --> 00:59:28,265
[alarm sounding]

1188
00:59:31,902 --> 00:59:34,905
[gunfire]

1189
00:59:50,387 --> 00:59:52,022
SO THIS NEXT CHARACTER...

1190
01:00:03,400 --> 01:00:05,670
THIS IS A GIRL
WHO'S IN LAS VEGAS,

1191
01:00:05,670 --> 01:00:09,606
AND SHE DESPERATELY WANTS
TO USE THE SLOGAN FOR LAS VEGAS,

1192
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:13,944
BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW OR WHY
OR WHEN TO USE IT.

1193
01:00:13,944 --> 01:00:18,282
"HEY, YOU GUYS, I HAVE
A BOILED EGG IN MY PANTIES.

1194
01:00:18,282 --> 01:00:22,452
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS
IN VEGAS."

1195
01:00:29,459 --> 01:00:31,929
THIS NEXT CHARACTER,
THIS IS A COMEDIAN

1196
01:00:31,929 --> 01:00:33,630
WHO PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE QUIT WHILE HE WAS AHEAD.

1197
01:00:40,771 --> 01:00:43,708
[cheers and applause]

1198
01:00:50,748 --> 01:00:52,750
THIS IS A SOUTHERN BELLE
WHO'S VERY UNATTRACTIVE,

1199
01:00:52,750 --> 01:00:54,351
SO WHEN SHE
WALKS DOWN THE STREET,

1200
01:00:54,351 --> 01:00:57,521
SHE HAS TO WHISTLE AT HERSELF
TO GET PEOPLE'S ATTENTION.

1201
01:00:59,556 --> 01:01:01,158
"[whistling]

1202
01:01:01,158 --> 01:01:04,428
"WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PICTURE?
IT'LL LAST LONGER.

1203
01:01:04,428 --> 01:01:07,331
"HERE'S A CAMERA.

1204
01:01:07,331 --> 01:01:10,167
"THANKS. BYE-BYE NOW.

1205
01:01:10,167 --> 01:01:12,369
"WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU--

1206
01:01:12,369 --> 01:01:14,304
"WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU LOOKING--

1207
01:01:14,304 --> 01:01:18,142
EXCUSE ME.
WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU LOOKING."

1208
01:01:25,950 --> 01:01:27,517
OKAY.

1209
01:01:27,517 --> 01:01:31,455
THIS IS A GIRL WHO SET OUT
TO HAVE A FUN TIME

1210
01:01:31,455 --> 01:01:34,959
FOR THE EVENING BUT ENDED UP
JUST RUINING IT FOR EVERYBODY.

1211
01:01:37,461 --> 01:01:40,064
"YOU'RE AN INCONSIDERATE
ASSHOLE."

1212
01:01:40,064 --> 01:01:43,000
[cheers and applause]

1213
01:02:01,385 --> 01:02:04,755
THIS IS A GUY WHO, WHENEVER
SOMETHING GOES RIGHT FOR HIM,

1214
01:02:04,755 --> 01:02:08,759
HE CELEBRATES, BUT FOR TOO LONG
AND IN THE WRONG WAY.

1215
01:02:09,960 --> 01:02:11,095
"HEY, DID YOU GUYS HEAR

1216
01:02:11,095 --> 01:02:12,797
"THE MIAMI HEAT
COVERED THE SPREAD?

1217
01:02:12,797 --> 01:02:15,399
"YEAH!

1218
01:02:15,399 --> 01:02:20,304
"YEAH! YEAH!

1219
01:02:20,304 --> 01:02:22,239
"YEAH!

1220
01:02:22,239 --> 01:02:26,043
YEAH!
NOTICE THE ARMS!"

1221
01:02:28,412 --> 01:02:29,947
THANK YOU--

1222
01:02:29,947 --> 01:02:32,950
[cheers and applause]

1223
01:02:38,488 --> 01:02:41,591
ALL RIGHT, SO JUST WANT TO TELL
YOU GUYS ONE MORE STORY.

1224
01:02:41,591 --> 01:02:44,261
SORRY THERE'S SO MUCH
CONFETTI ON YOU.

1225
01:02:44,261 --> 01:02:47,932
THIS GUY'S COVERED IN CONFETTI.

1226
01:02:47,932 --> 01:02:50,334
HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN,
THOUGH?

1227
01:02:50,334 --> 01:02:54,371
WOULDN'T IT BE WEIRD IF YOU WERE
LIKE, "PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY."

1228
01:02:54,371 --> 01:02:58,408
HE'S HAD THE WEIRDEST LIFE.

1229
01:02:58,408 --> 01:03:00,644
SO I WANT TO TELL
ONE LAST STORY.

1230
01:03:00,644 --> 01:03:01,778
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

1231
01:03:01,778 --> 01:03:04,381
I REALLY LIKE MAKING A FACE

1232
01:03:04,381 --> 01:03:06,750
WHEN I GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE
PHOTO TAKEN,

1233
01:03:06,750 --> 01:03:09,453
BUT IT'S ILLEGAL
IN CALIFORNIA.

1234
01:03:09,453 --> 01:03:10,687
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

1235
01:03:10,687 --> 01:03:12,957
I KNOW, BECAUSE I CALLED,
AND I ASKED,

1236
01:03:12,957 --> 01:03:15,725
AND THEY SAID
IF YOU MAKE A FACE,

1237
01:03:15,725 --> 01:03:17,895
THEN THEY HAVE
TO RETAKE THE PHOTOGRAPH,

1238
01:03:17,895 --> 01:03:19,329
AND IF YOU DO IT THREE TIMES,

1239
01:03:19,329 --> 01:03:21,098
THEN YOU DON'T GET
YOUR LICENSE FOR THE DAY.

1240
01:03:21,098 --> 01:03:23,767
AND I WAS REALLY BUMMED OUT,
BUT THEN I CAME UP

1241
01:03:23,767 --> 01:03:26,436
WITH WHAT I THINK
IS ONE OF THE BEST IDEAS

1242
01:03:26,436 --> 01:03:29,940
THAT I'VE EVER HAD.

1243
01:03:29,940 --> 01:03:33,610
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO
IF YOU WALK INTO THE DMV

1244
01:03:33,610 --> 01:03:37,281
ALREADY MAKING THE FACE?

1245
01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:44,421
NOW, YOU GOT TO PICK A FACE
THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE

1246
01:03:44,421 --> 01:03:46,523
YOU'RE MAKING A FACE, BUT YOU
STILL WANT TO LOOK WEIRD,

1247
01:03:46,523 --> 01:03:48,592
SO THE ONE
I WENT WITH WAS THIS ONE.

1248
01:03:57,301 --> 01:04:00,804
'CAUSE THERE'S PEOPLE
THAT LOOK LIKE THAT.

1249
01:04:00,804 --> 01:04:03,908
AND THAT'S WHAT I HELD
FOR AND HOUR AND 25 MINUTES.

1250
01:04:03,908 --> 01:04:06,510
THAT'S TRUE.
THIS IS TRUE.

1251
01:04:06,510 --> 01:04:07,644
I WENT THROUGH
EVERY SINGLE LINE.

1252
01:04:07,644 --> 01:04:08,913
I DID.
I WAS LIKE, "HERE YOU GO.

1253
01:04:08,913 --> 01:04:10,847
[mumbling]"

1254
01:04:20,724 --> 01:04:24,828
I WASN'T EVEN SITTING.
I WAS JUST CROUCHING.

1255
01:04:24,828 --> 01:04:27,397
THEN IT CAME TIME
TO GO TO THE PHOTOGRAPHY LINE,

1256
01:04:27,397 --> 01:04:29,299
SO I WENT ALL THE WAY THROUGH,
AND I GAVE THEM MY STUFF.

1257
01:04:29,299 --> 01:04:30,634
I WAS LIKE, "HERE YOU GO."

1258
01:04:30,634 --> 01:04:31,902
WHICH, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I CHANGED MY VOICE.

1259
01:04:31,902 --> 01:04:33,070
I DIDN'T NEED TO.

1260
01:04:33,070 --> 01:04:35,139
I GUESS I JUST THOUGHT
IT MATCHED,

1261
01:04:35,139 --> 01:04:36,673
BUT THE GUY
IN THE PHOTOGRAPHY LINE--

1262
01:04:36,673 --> 01:04:38,608
THIS IS ALL TRUE--
HE WASN'T EVEN LOOKING.

1263
01:04:38,608 --> 01:04:41,045
HE WAS ON THE COMPUTER, AND WHEN
HE LOOKED UP AND SAW MY FACE,

1264
01:04:41,045 --> 01:04:42,046
I SWEAR TO GOD,
HE WENT LIKE THIS.

1265
01:04:42,046 --> 01:04:43,047
HE GOES...

1266
01:04:43,047 --> 01:04:44,982
"[gasps]"

1267
01:04:48,885 --> 01:04:52,923
NOW, I REALIZE I'M THE ONE
CREATING THE MISCHIEF HERE,

1268
01:04:52,923 --> 01:04:54,925
BUT IF YOUR REFLEXIVE REACTION

1269
01:04:54,925 --> 01:04:58,428
TO A STRANGE-LOOKING INDIVIDUAL
IS...

1270
01:04:58,428 --> 01:05:00,330
"[gasps]"

1271
01:05:00,330 --> 01:05:04,434
PERHAPS DON'T WORK
IN THE PHOTOGRAPHY SECTION

1272
01:05:04,434 --> 01:05:07,337
OF THE DMV.

1273
01:05:07,337 --> 01:05:08,973
SO MY PAPERWORK
WAS ALL IN ORDER.

1274
01:05:08,973 --> 01:05:11,375
ALL HE COULD SAY WAS, "OKAY,
GO STAND BEHIND THE WHITE LINE,"

1275
01:05:11,375 --> 01:05:12,977
AND AS I TURNED,
I BEGAN TO LAUGH,

1276
01:05:12,977 --> 01:05:14,511
AND I HAD TO COMPOSE MYSELF,

1277
01:05:14,511 --> 01:05:18,715
BECAUSE I REMEMBERED
THAT THE ONLY THING

1278
01:05:18,715 --> 01:05:20,650
THAT HE CAN SAY TO ME
WHEN IT CAME TIME

1279
01:05:20,650 --> 01:05:25,255
TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH
WAS "SMILE."

1280
01:05:25,255 --> 01:05:28,358
AND I REALIZED THAT THIS GUY...

1281
01:05:28,358 --> 01:05:32,929
WHEN HE SMILES,
CAN LOOK REAL WEIRD.

1282
01:05:32,929 --> 01:05:35,265
SO I GOT READY TO TAKE
THE PHOTOGRAPH, YOU KNOW.

1283
01:05:35,265 --> 01:05:36,800
I STOOD BEHIND THE WHITE LINE.
I WAS LIKE...

1284
01:05:44,074 --> 01:05:45,775
THE GUY'S LIKE,
"OKAY, YOU ALL SET?"

1285
01:05:45,775 --> 01:05:47,444
I'M LIKE, "[muffled] UH-HUH.
YEAH."

1286
01:05:47,444 --> 01:05:50,981
HE'S LIKE,
"OKAY...SMILE."

1287
01:05:52,682 --> 01:05:54,184
[mimics flash bulb popping]

1288
01:05:54,184 --> 01:05:56,253
THAT'S WHAT'S ON
MY CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE.

1289
01:05:56,253 --> 01:05:59,189
[cheers and applause]

1290
01:06:14,138 --> 01:06:17,074
THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.

1291
01:06:17,074 --> 01:06:20,444
THAT CONCLUDES THE SHOW,
BUT BEFORE I SAW GOOD-BYE,

1292
01:06:20,444 --> 01:06:22,246
I JUST WANT TO SAY...

1293
01:06:25,749 --> 01:06:27,351
HELL YEAH IT IS.

1294
01:06:27,351 --> 01:06:28,918
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

1295
01:06:28,918 --> 01:06:30,054
[cheers and applause]

1296
01:06:30,054 --> 01:06:33,057
[upbeat hip-hop music]

1297
01:06:33,057 --> 01:06:40,997
*

1298
01:06:52,342 --> 01:06:53,677
- * DENVER, DENVER

1299
01:06:53,677 --> 01:06:54,978
- * CALLING FROM DENVER

1300
01:06:54,978 --> 01:06:57,047
- * FREEDOM OF SPEECH HERE,
NO CENSURE *

1301
01:06:57,047 --> 01:06:59,783
* BUT DON'T DISS THE CITY
OR THE THUNDERDOME YOU ENTER *

1302
01:06:59,783 --> 01:07:01,085
* TALK SHIT ABOUT HER

1303
01:07:01,085 --> 01:07:02,419
* TRUST THAT I'LL DEFEND HER *

1304
01:07:02,419 --> 01:07:04,521
* ATTACK DENVER,
YOUR WEAPONS WE RENDER *

1305
01:07:04,521 --> 01:07:05,655
- * USELESS

1306
01:07:05,655 --> 01:07:07,391
- * CHUG COORS,
TIP THE BARTENDER *

1307
01:07:07,391 --> 01:07:08,458
- * DENVER, DENVER

1308
01:07:08,458 --> 01:07:09,459
- * CALLING FROM DENVER

1309
01:07:09,459 --> 01:07:10,460
- * ADDRESS UNKNOWN

1310
01:07:10,460 --> 01:07:11,928
* RETURN TO DENVER

1311
01:07:11,928 --> 01:07:14,298
* ONLY GO TO GAY PRIDE
WHEN I'M ON A BENDER *

1312
01:07:14,298 --> 01:07:15,599
* AIN'T LIKE TEXAS WOMEN *

1313
01:07:15,599 --> 01:07:17,267
* DON'T HAVE TO GUESS
THE GENDER *

1314
01:07:17,267 --> 01:07:19,669
* ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS,
I'LL EAT IT IF IT'S TENDER *

1315
01:07:19,669 --> 01:07:22,306
* YOU'D EAT BULL'S BALLS TOO IF
YOU HAD HUMAN BALLS, WENDELL *

1316
01:07:22,306 --> 01:07:23,440
- *DENVER, DENVER *

1317
01:07:23,440 --> 01:07:24,908
* FUCK YOU, WENDELL*

1318
01:07:24,908 --> 01:07:27,111
- * GIRLS HOT ARE HOT TRANS FAT
OR TRANSGENDER *

1319
01:07:27,111 --> 01:07:28,512
* IF YOU'RE DAUGHTER'S
BAD AT SCHOOL *

1320
01:07:28,512 --> 01:07:29,846
* THEY'RE GONNA SUSPEND HER *

1321
01:07:29,846 --> 01:07:31,515
* PREP A DEEP TAN IN PUEBLO

1322
01:07:31,515 --> 01:07:33,083
* PRETENDER

1323
01:07:33,083 --> 01:07:34,784
* WE GOT THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS
IN ALL OF THEIR SPLENDOR *

1324
01:07:34,784 --> 01:07:37,254
* BUT NOT ROCKY,
'CAUSE WE ARE A CONTENDER *

1325
01:07:37,254 --> 01:07:38,422
- * DENVER, DENVER

1326
01:07:38,422 --> 01:07:39,789
* CALLING FROM DENVER

1327
01:07:39,789 --> 01:07:40,890
- * ATLANTA'S
WHERE THEY PLAYERS PLAY *

1328
01:07:40,890 --> 01:07:42,226
* BUT THEY LIVE IN DENVER

1329
01:07:42,226 --> 01:07:44,628
* RATHER DRIVE STONED,
AVOID A FENDER BENDER *

1330
01:07:44,628 --> 01:07:47,164
* WANT TO MARRY HOLLY
BUT OBSESSED WITH KENDRA *

1331
01:07:47,164 --> 01:07:48,465
* WENT TO WAR WITH TEXAS

1332
01:07:48,465 --> 01:07:49,766
*THEY SURRENDERED *

1333
01:07:49,766 --> 01:07:51,301
* WHAT'S MORE, ALL THAT STUFF *

1334
01:07:51,301 --> 01:07:53,537
* ABOUT US EATING TEXAN BABIES
IS FOLKLORE *

1335
01:07:53,537 --> 01:07:54,838
* WE DO DRINK
THEIR BLOOD THOUGH *

1336
01:07:54,838 --> 01:07:57,107
* SERIOUSLY,
FUCK A BUNCH OF TEXANS-ER *

1337
01:07:57,107 --> 01:07:58,208
- * DENVER, DENVER

1338
01:07:58,208 --> 01:07:59,809
- * CALLING FROM DENVER

1339
01:07:59,809 --> 01:08:02,045
- * I GRABBED YOUR ASS
'CAUSE IT WAS LOOKING TENDER *

1340
01:08:02,045 --> 01:08:03,180
* DON'T SEND ME TO JAIL *

1341
01:08:03,180 --> 01:08:04,448
* I'M A FIRST-TIME OFFENDER *

1342
01:08:04,448 --> 01:08:05,449
* GO AHEAD

1343
01:08:05,449 --> 01:08:07,050
*ASSIGN A PUBLIC DEFENDER *

1344
01:08:07,050 --> 01:08:10,720
* 'CAUSE OUR LAWYERS ARE
THE FUCKING BOMB, Y'ALL *

1345
01:08:10,720 --> 01:08:13,190
HAVE A DOPE-ASS
LEGAL REPRESENTATION!

1346
01:08:13,190 --> 01:08:15,959
[grunting]

1347
01:08:15,959 --> 01:08:18,362
LEGAL EAGLES AND LEGAL BEAGLES,
Y'ALL!

1348
01:08:18,362 --> 01:08:19,763
DON'T FORGET WHAT YOU HEARD!

1349
01:08:19,763 --> 01:08:21,865
GO FORTH AND SPREAD THE WORD,
Y'ALL!

1350
01:08:21,865 --> 01:08:23,500
DENVER, COLORADO!

1351
01:08:23,500 --> 01:08:25,001
BALLERADO!

1352
01:08:25,001 --> 01:08:27,637
303 DOPEST LAWYERS
IN THE COUNTRY, YO!

1353
01:08:27,637 --> 01:08:29,506
ONE TIME FOR J. KENT MILLER.

1354
01:08:29,506 --> 01:08:31,508
DOIN' LAW, YA'LL!
CHECK IT!

1355
01:08:31,508 --> 01:08:33,743
YOU KNOW HOW THOSE
COLORADO LAWYERS DO, WHAT!

1356
01:08:33,743 --> 01:08:36,446
THEY ALWAYS GOT TO BACK UP
TO DRINK, MAN!

1357
01:08:36,446 --> 01:08:37,781
WHY?

1358
01:08:37,781 --> 01:08:40,550
'CAUSE THEY JUST
PASSED THE BAR, Y'ALL!

1359
01:08:40,550 --> 01:08:41,985
- T.J., GOD DAMN IT.

1360
01:08:41,985 --> 01:08:43,487
YOU RHYMED "TENDER"
WITH "DENVER" LIKE SIX TIMES.

1361
01:08:43,487 --> 01:08:44,854
- MORE LIKE THREE.

1362
01:08:44,854 --> 01:08:46,156
- THAT'S STILL A LOT.
- THAT'S TRUE.