1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,200 'Ladies and gentlemen...' 4 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:21,640 'Welcome to this total shithole in the heart of East London, 5 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,760 'an even bigger shithole. 6 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,760 'Now please welcome to the stage 7 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:35,360 'the ultimate street fighter, Mr Paul Chowdhry.' 8 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,400 Assalamu alaikum, my brothers and sisters. 9 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,400 Welcome to the conversion. 10 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:13,240 That's a lot of smoke coming out, innit? 11 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,560 When this much smoke follows an Asian guy with this beard, 12 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,360 white people start shitting themselves. 13 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:20,680 "Fucking hell, Dave." 14 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,720 I can't even see anyone. 15 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:29,720 The thing about this beard, people think I've been radicalised. 16 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,800 By the homosexuals. 17 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,480 Everyone's got a beard in this front row, innit? 18 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:38,680 Where's all the white beards? 19 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,320 Dave in the second row with his beard. 20 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,440 How long did that beard take you to grow, man? 21 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,320 Two years? 22 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,280 This is like five o'clock shadow where we come from. 23 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,520 We're Indians, we're hairy bastards. 24 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,560 Have a look at her. 25 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,280 This hairy fucking fella. 26 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,560 Sorry, him, whatever it is. 27 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:12,480 You know I'm now the most famous unfamous person in England? 28 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,760 You know I sold out Wembley on this tour? 29 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,280 - Ooh! - Yeah, Wembley. 30 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:19,920 Not the market where you work, bruv. 31 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:22,840 Two apples for a pound! 32 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:26,160 Proper arena. I got a new house recently. 33 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,120 My neighbour didn't know what I do for a living. 34 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:29,440 "What do you do for a living?" 35 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:32,200 - "I'm a comedian." - "Yeah? Go on, then." 36 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:36,760 "Go on then what?" 37 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,120 "Go on, do a joke." "I've got to get on the stage." 38 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,840 "Trace, come over here, love. 39 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,720 "We got a new Paki next door thinks he's funny. 40 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,800 "I think he's an Uber driver. Bring the kids an' all." 41 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,520 That's quite a racist joke, that. 42 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,880 A lot of Asian people laughing at that. I don't mind. 43 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,640 But I saw some white people laughing at that joke. 44 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:02,760 That's called a tester joke. 45 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,080 If I see white people laughing, 46 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,360 they're gonna get fucked up for two hours. 47 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,280 When my Indian fans find out I'm a comedian, 48 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:12,560 they don't care about jokes. 49 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,320 "You're a comedian? Go on, then." 50 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,320 "Go on then what?" "How much money you make?" 51 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:22,440 "What car you drive? How much your mortgage?" 52 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:28,560 I'm trying to work out why there's, like, 15 Bengalis here 53 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,120 and one white guy sat right in the middle. 54 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:36,760 What the fuck? 55 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,560 "I dunno, mate. I dunno either." 56 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,120 It's like you've been kidnapped. 57 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,320 It's like you're a news reporter gone to Syria 58 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,160 and you've been kidnapped by this lot. 59 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,120 It's like a beheading waiting to happen. 60 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,800 No one gives me trouble with this beard. I don't get into fights anymore. 61 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:01,360 With this look, this straight-out-of-Syria look. 62 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,320 I got that one-way-ticket look, innit. 63 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,760 I remember the good old days when I used to get on the Tube, 64 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,440 I couldn't even get a seat. 65 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,520 With this I get the whole carriage. 66 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,760 I remember one time I was on the Tube, right? 67 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:24,440 I had my iPhone in my pocket. The cable was flapping about. 68 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,840 So I thought I'd clip the cable to my shirt and my jacket. 69 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,240 So the cable's flapping about and shit 70 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,600 so what I did was I clipped the cable to the earphones 71 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:35,640 to my shirt and my T-shirt, so it's kind of clipped to me like this. 72 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,560 My iPhone's in this pocket. Then I took off my earphones 73 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,440 and I put them in this pocket. 74 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:42,520 All you saw was a cable coming out of both pockets. 75 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,920 Looked a bit like this. 76 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,200 I had props all over the floor. That didn't help. 77 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,520 I was prop shopping that day, innit? 78 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,520 Does this look suspect to you, Dave? 79 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,160 Every fucker's looking at me. 80 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,520 I mean, what kind of terrorist listens to Wham on loop? 81 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,080 Wake me up before you blow, blow. You know? 82 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,080 I mean, when have you seen a gay terrorist before? 83 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,080 I'm not gay, but when have you seen a gay...? 84 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,640 Did you see how it went really quiet then? 85 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,640 When I say I'm not... "But, bruv, you best... Fucking hell, bruv." 86 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,720 "Are you gay, bruv? 87 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,680 "I didn't pay £20 to watch a fucking gay guy on the stage. 88 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,680 "Qasmay, I didn't fucking wanna see a gay guy on the stage." 89 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,560 "It's East London, bruv, innit?" 90 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,480 "What about the terrorist part?" "We're all fucking terrorists. 91 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,880 "Don't worry about that bit, innit?" 92 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:41,760 But statistically there's gotta be gay terrorists out there. 93 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,560 Think about it: loads of dudes hanging about with each other 94 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,280 in caves and shit. 95 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,680 There's never any women hanging around 'em. 96 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,440 Fucking all dudes. 97 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,600 One of them's bound to be thinking about it, innit? 98 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,320 There's gotta be LGBT terrorists out there, innit? 99 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:14,520 LGBTQRSTUV terrorists out there, innit? 100 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,640 They don't discriminate when it comes to the victims 101 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:20,280 so they shouldn't discriminate when it comes to the recruitment policy. 102 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:24,080 One of them's bound to be thinking about going to one of the other terrorists 103 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:25,200 and just... 104 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,480 ...smacking it in there, innit? 105 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,640 Statistically, though, innit? 106 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,200 One of them's bound to be thinking about going to another terrorist and... 107 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,360 you know, just... 108 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,240 ...lifting up that kurta pajama. 109 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,280 Do you know what kurta pajama is, Dave? 110 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,520 You know? That's what they wear. A long pajama. 111 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,840 A kurta on top of the pajama. 112 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:01,720 Just lifting up that kurta pajama. 113 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:13,440 See, the white people don't even know what I said when I said that. 114 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,680 But you know what I mean when I say... 115 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,120 That's my opening joke I've just written for Saudi Arabia. 116 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,320 The Sultan of Brunei is gonna love that bit. 117 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,360 Just before they stone the gays, I come out... 118 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,520 It's proper homophobic. You guys would be fucked in Saudi. 119 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,400 You guys can't use Grindr out there. 120 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:41,080 You can but it's different. 121 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,640 Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. 122 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,280 Kuffar. Stone him. Dead. 123 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,080 Look at this... Get a shot of this wanker. 124 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:54,360 He's got his iPhone out. 125 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:55,680 "Yeah." 126 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,480 We've got a £1 million crew here 127 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,800 and this fucking Bengali's got his iPhone out. 128 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,280 Where the fuck you gonna sell your DVD to? 129 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,640 - I'll send you the invoice. - Send me the invoice? 130 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,880 Yeah, send me the invoice. I'll turn up at your house, 131 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,200 lift up your kurta pajama. 132 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,480 Fucking prick. 133 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,200 Send me the invoice. 134 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:33,120 This Bengali's gonna be selling that down Brick Lane, innit? 135 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:35,840 Qasmay, I got the Paul Chowdhry DVD, innit? 136 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,720 "It's not even out yet." "I recorded it, bruv. 137 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,480 "On my iPhone 2." 138 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,920 Get a haircut as well when you come back to my show. 139 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,240 Your head looks like a phudi. 140 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,720 Leave that fucker in the edit. 141 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,520 You're a dead man when this is released. 142 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,520 You're gonna have to delete your life when this is released, man. 143 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,600 I remember when Westminster Bridge happened in London. 144 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,440 And the atrocities were awful. 145 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,560 The guy responsible, I wanna name him correctly 146 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,600 because I'm not a racist, yeah? 147 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,640 His name was... 148 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:45,680 ...Khalid. 149 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,480 Not Khalid as you white people pronounce it. 150 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:57,840 Khalid. 151 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:00,280 Try it, Trace... 152 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,800 Dave's like, "Don't fucking do it, love. 153 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,200 "It's a trap. You're gonna get us killed, you slag. 154 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,320 "Laugh at the jokes and we'll fuck off in a minute. 155 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,600 "Fucking shitting meself, love." 156 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:19,520 Khalid... 157 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:24,440 ...Masood. 158 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,840 You know what his real name was? 159 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,640 Adrian Russell. 160 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,720 He was a Muslim convert. 161 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,240 He wasn't even a real Muslim. No wonder he changed his name. 162 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:39,880 You can't turn up at an ISIS meeting with that. Adrian. 163 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,440 "What's your name?" "Adrian Russell." 164 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,400 "You're not on the guest list." 165 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,200 "Front of the queue for you." 166 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:56,360 My name's Chowdhry. 167 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,680 Everyone thinks I'm Bengali. You know that? 168 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,400 We got any Chowdhrys in tonight? 169 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:01,440 Hey! 170 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,680 Just on his own. "Hey!" 171 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,480 What's your name, man? 172 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,440 Chowdhry. 173 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,120 Didn't even have to think about that, innit? 174 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,520 "It's Chowdhry, innit?" 175 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,280 What's your first name, man? 176 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,400 - I don't wanna say it. - You don't have one? 177 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:30,760 Mr Chowdhry Chowdhry? 178 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,480 What's your first name, man? 179 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,280 - Eh? - Jamil. 180 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:38,600 - Eh? - It's Jamil. 181 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,360 Jamil. Jamil. 182 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,800 How the fuck you got so many first names? 183 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,640 "Jamil Jamil Jamil Jamil 184 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,840 "Jamil Jamil Jamil Jamil Jamil." 185 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,600 Are you in a cave or something with an echo? 186 00:11:56,280 --> 00:12:00,440 This terrorist has turned up with his own cave tonight. 187 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,520 My full name's actually 188 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,680 Taj Paul Asingha Chowdhry. 189 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,920 What are you laughing at, man? 190 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,880 "Does that come with rice?" "No, it's a dhal." 191 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,320 You racist bastard. 192 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,720 "I had that with poppadoms yesterday, son." 193 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,080 My name don't help, man. 194 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,320 People used to say, "You been on TV, have you, Paul?" 195 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,720 "I've been on a couple of things." "What, Crimewatch?" 196 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,440 Now, that used to be funny, right? 197 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,440 Until I ended up on Crimewatch. 198 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,240 Some of you might know about this. 199 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,480 I was in hiding for a long time. 200 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:40,320 I ended up in all the newspapers up and down the country. True story. 201 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,200 I wanna read out the article that made all the headlines. 202 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:48,240 "Crimewatch viewers think RAF Marham kidnap suspect mugshot 203 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,760 "looks like comedian Paul Chowdhry 204 00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:52,760 "and he's not happy." 205 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,800 Then they put an advert under it for the film Jungle Book. 206 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:02,480 Just to add to the racism. 207 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:09,080 As you can see, there's a picture of a monkey next to the J. 208 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,680 Or is that Jamil? 209 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:15,360 Same initial, innit? 210 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,680 I was really pissed off about this. 211 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:21,480 I said to all my mates, "This is bad for my career, man." 212 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:26,800 My mates went, "Don't worry about it. All publicity is good publicity." 213 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,240 No, it's not. 214 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,480 There are two things you don't wanna look like in this world. 215 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,760 One's a terrorist and the other one's a paedophile. 216 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:37,320 What would you rather look like, Dave? 217 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,240 Let me help you out, mate. 218 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,080 You don't look like a terrorist. 219 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,640 Stand up for a second. 220 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:48,760 Stand up. 221 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:50,600 Stand up, kuffar. 222 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,320 He looks like he should be on a register. 223 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,480 The head of a grooming gang. 224 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,680 Let me read out what these bastards said under this. 225 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:09,400 "An exasperated comedian has taken to Twitter..." 226 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,160 in their words "...after being bombarded..." 227 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,520 That's proper racist, innit? 228 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:23,120 "...bombarded by people who think he looks like a Crimewatch mugshot. 229 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:24,760 "The comedian posted: 230 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:30,240 "'Can you bloody bastards... stop messaging me about Crimewatch? 231 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,640 "'The bastard looks nothing like me.'" 232 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,480 Now, that was my official statement to the media. 233 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,280 You gotta be professional, innit? 234 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:45,280 Then I went to the next page of this Daily Mirror article. 235 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,920 What the Daily Mirror then posted is this picture... 236 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:59,720 ...of the terrorist next to a picture of my fat face. 237 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,880 The problem is, the terrorist looks exactly like me. 238 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,840 Couldn't even go out that week. I couldn't go to Sainsbury's. 239 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,640 I had to go to Lidl. 240 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,400 With the rest of the suspects. 241 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:19,640 I've been doing comedy 20 years. Two DVDs. I've sold out Wembley. 242 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,120 If you google Paul and Chowdhry, 243 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,520 that's the first thing that comes up. 244 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,280 People, all the fans got involved. 245 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,240 The fans were tweeting and everything. 246 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:35,440 "His followers on Twitter were predictably unsympathetic. 247 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,800 "Chandan Matharu quipped, 248 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:43,640 "'Nothing like you, Paul. You don't have a timer on your head.'" 249 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:57,240 What a wanker. 250 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:03,160 "The suspects, both described as Middle Eastern..." 251 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:07,160 What do you mean "both" described? 252 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,480 That means two people, both. 253 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,720 There's only one human being in this picture. 254 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,520 The other picture's a fucking cartoon. 255 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:23,240 "...remain at large and their vehicle has not been located." 256 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:24,640 Last line of the article: 257 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,600 "Paul Chowdhry's DVD is on Amazon." 258 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,880 Who the fuck's gonna buy my DVD after this shit comes out? 259 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,480 Now I'm gonna have to go back to performing to grooming gangs. 260 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,640 I get asked my opinion all the time on current affairs, you know. 261 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,480 I remember my agent called me up, "Hi, Paul. Really excited. 262 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,920 "Newsnight have called up from the BBC 263 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:51,120 "and they wanna talk to you about what it's like being a Muslim." 264 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:57,560 "Yeah, I can talk about what it's like being a Muslim. 265 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,480 "But I'm not Muslim." 266 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:03,440 "But they want to talk about what it's like growing up being a Muslim." 267 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,440 "But then I didn't grow up being a Muslim, innit?" 268 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,240 "But they wanna talk about being Muslim and running round Muslim 269 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,520 "in the Muslim Muslim." 270 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,320 "Why not find a real Muslim?" 271 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,240 "No, they wanna talk to you about being Muslim in the Muslim Muslim." 272 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:21,120 "What are you asking me for, you racist bastards?" 273 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:24,360 "Don't worry. They'll find someone else. It's only £1,000." 274 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:26,360 "What?" 275 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,200 I said, "You know what, mate? 276 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,400 "Assalamu alaikum, my brothers and sisters." 277 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:36,880 "Inshallah." 278 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,640 I'm Muslim for the money, mate. 279 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,400 I'm all about the profit. 280 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,080 For those who don't know about this, 281 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:54,880 it's dangerous doing these kinds of jokes. 282 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:59,480 I get death threats on a daily basis. 283 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,160 From Zayn Malik's family. 284 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,240 Do you all know the back story here? 285 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:13,200 All right, Zayn Malik was in a group called One Direction, right? 286 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,280 And I made some videos about him on my YouTube account. 287 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,480 And people were like, "What are you cussing Zayn for? 288 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,560 "What are you doing that for?" 289 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,680 There's always a reason behind my jokes. 290 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:26,240 Right? And the reason being, I met Zayn Malik once 291 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:27,920 at an awards ceremony in London 292 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,360 and I thought, "You know what? I'm gonna get a selfie with him." 293 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,440 Because that's what this job's all about now, 294 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,120 about likes online. 295 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,280 Not about real people sat in a theatre watching real comedy. 296 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:41,200 It's about bullshit likes that give people mental health issues. 297 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,240 That's what it's about, innit? 298 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,280 Liking things on Instagram. I hate Instagram. 299 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:49,800 I look at Instagram, right, 300 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,200 and then I close Instagram. 301 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,440 A minute later I open up Instagram, 302 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,480 forgetting I just looked at Instagram. 303 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,400 It's like a fridge. 304 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,400 Anyway, so I met Zayn Malik. 305 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,680 I thought I'd get a picture with him, like a selfie. And I saw him. 306 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,600 He was walking past me. I said, "Hey, Zayn. 307 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:13,440 "I'm a big fan of your work, man." I wasn't a big fan. 308 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,800 I just thought I'd say that shit. 309 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,520 I put my hand out to shake his hand, right? 310 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,440 As soon as I did that, he completely blanked me. 311 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:25,480 And he ran off and two of his security guards came up. 312 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,760 "Don't touch him, man. Do not touch him." 313 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,600 And they pinned me up against the wall and he ran away 314 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,520 like a little pussy cat. 315 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,320 I remember when he ran away, I thought to myself, 316 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:41,520 "You're fucking dead, man." 317 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,280 "You just fucked yourself up, bruv." 318 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,280 I went home. I logged on to my YouTube account. 319 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,880 I ripped him, his mum, his dad. 320 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,760 I wiped out his whole family. 321 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,360 He was better off dealing with ISIS than dealing with me. 322 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:10,520 I even spoke about his girlfriend, the supermodel Gigi. 323 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:13,640 Gigi. 324 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,160 Is that how you pronounce it? Gigi? 325 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,120 Geegee? 326 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,480 Geegee? 327 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,520 Or Giggy? 328 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,800 Apparently it's Jayjay. 329 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,640 But spelt Gigi. 330 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:29,840 Is that a name these days? 331 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,760 Gigi? 332 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,080 Or Geegee. 333 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,200 When I were growing up, geegee was something you contracted. 334 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,120 "Get some cream and rub it on my geegee." 335 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,800 Gigi. 336 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,800 And Gigi, turns out her surname is Hadid. 337 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,840 Hadid is actually a Muslim surname. 338 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:02,400 And then I did some Google image searches into this girl Gigi Hadid. 339 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,360 I want all the Muslim people in here to cover their ears. 340 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,800 Because what I saw next was very, very offensive. 341 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:15,240 In these pictures I could see her arms... 342 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,360 I could see her legs. 343 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,320 I even saw this kuffar's neck. 344 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,480 Something had to be done to protect my Muslim peoples. 345 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,280 I stepped up to the plate. 346 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,200 Some of it was in Punjabi, right? 347 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,440 I'm like... 348 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,520 In English that means, "Is her dad called Mohamed?" 349 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:51,440 And people wanted to kill me on the streets because of that line. 350 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:55,680 People were coming up to me, "There's that fucking comedian, innit? 351 00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:58,720 "Let's go jack him, bruv. 352 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,680 "Bruv, hey, come here, man. 353 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,360 "Why the fuck, yeah, 354 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,520 "did you use the word Mohamed in your fucking wideos?" 355 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,400 "What?" 356 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,120 "Why the fuck, yeah, did you use the word Mohamed 357 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,160 "in your fucking wideos?" 358 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,760 "Sorry, in my... in my what?" 359 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:27,120 "Your fucking wideos, you pussyhole! 360 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:29,600 "Are you gay, bruv?" 361 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,080 "Sorry, what? 362 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,400 "What does gay have to do with anything?" 363 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,680 "Let's go to Shisha Land and chat about this, man. 364 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,760 "You're definitely gay, innit?" 365 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,320 "Gay? You think I'm gay, 366 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:48,320 "but you want me to go to a Shisha Land with you and the boys 367 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:53,200 "while we all sit around a table sucking off the same pipe? 368 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,880 "And I'm the gay one?" 369 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,640 He goes, "Don't use the word Mohamed in your fucking wideos." 370 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,320 Let me clear this up for you, Hackney. 371 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,760 The reason I used the word Mohamed in those videos 372 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,480 is because that was her dad's name! 373 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,440 "Nah, man, you only cussing Muslim peoples, innit?" 374 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,880 I love Muslim peoples. They come to my shows. 375 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,480 Not tonight, but generally a lot of... 376 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:31,640 All the Muslims... 377 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,120 "He hasn't cussed me. Let's go home." 378 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:39,720 I love Musalman peoples. 379 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,360 Where's all the Musalmans tonight? 380 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,880 You know what a Musalman is, don't you, Dave? 381 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,880 "I ain't got a fucking clue, mate." 382 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,480 That's what we call Muslim people, "Musalman." 383 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,840 Not someone that's got out the gym. 384 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:01,360 That's a muscleman. 385 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:04,400 These are Musalmans. 386 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,240 He goes, "Nah, man, you only cussing Muslim peoples, innit? 387 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,480 "You don't cuss, like, Hindu people, innit?" 388 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,520 Did you see the amount of jokes I used to do about Gujarati people? 389 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:20,560 Back in the day, I did loads of jokes about Guju people and Hindus. 390 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,560 Have we got any Gujarati people in tonight? 391 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,880 - There's loads of them, look. 392 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,560 There's Gaipesh, Tamlesh, Mintesh, Rintesh... 393 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,800 Chitesh, Tantesh, Mantesh, Fattesh... 394 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,560 Mantesh, Shantesh, Rantesh, Shitesh... 395 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,320 Potesh, Tattesh... 396 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,360 Mikesh, Stagesh, Lightesh. 397 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,200 Standesh, Screenesh. 398 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,400 Bagesh, Fuckesh, Seatesh, 399 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,160 Trouseresh, Shirtesh. 400 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,720 And that's my sister Priya. 401 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,280 He goes, "Nah, man. All right, you make fun of Hindu people. 402 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,160 "But you never make fun of your own people, innit?" 403 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,560 "That's the thing about you, man. 404 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,080 "You don't make fun of, like, Sikh peoples, innit?" 405 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:16,280 Have we got any Sikh people in tonight? 406 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,920 - Yeah? There we go. 407 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,160 Now, they're all bastards too. 408 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,680 I'm an equal opportunities offender. 409 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,720 I hate all people equally. 410 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,720 Look, there's Balinder, Satinder, Malinder. 411 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,280 Davinder, Makinder, Chitinder. 412 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:36,320 And that's my sister Kiran. 413 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:39,800 What's your name, guys? 414 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,400 No, the Sikh guy behind you, pehnchoda. 415 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:44,720 "Who, me? Who, me?" 416 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,360 The one with the pug on and no dari. 417 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,720 You got a turban but no beard. Is that a fashion statement? 418 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,680 Where's your beard, man? Did you take it off this afternoon? 419 00:25:58,280 --> 00:25:59,880 It's grey? 420 00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:02,720 You're old? Fuck that, man. You should have a long, grey dari. 421 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:04,840 You kuffar. 422 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:10,120 - What's your name, man? 423 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,280 Iqbal? 424 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:14,840 Iqbal? 425 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:20,720 Iq-bal. 426 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,440 Do you know what that means in English, Dave? 427 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:25,840 One bollock. 428 00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:30,760 "I've only got one ball." 429 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,840 "Why have you got no beard?" "Look, one ball." 430 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,200 Iqbal. 431 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:40,160 Iq-bal. 432 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:45,680 I've done jokes about loads of my Sikh friends. 433 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:48,400 One of my Sikh friends, his name is Satnav. 434 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,680 I said, "If you ever get lost, call up my mate Satnav. 435 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,120 "He'll call Uncle TomTom and give you directions." 436 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:08,200 And then I got messages from Sikh people: "Why the fuck, yeah, 437 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,200 "did you use the word Satnav in your fucking wideos?" 438 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,800 "You never cuss white people. You cuss your own people. 439 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:19,360 "You don't cuss white... You are scared of white people." 440 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,720 What are you chatting about? My first DVD in 2012 was called 441 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,160 "What's Happening White People?" 442 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:29,120 One person saw that. 443 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,360 "Anybody else see it? No, just me." 444 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,360 White people would give me shit about that all the time 445 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:45,480 when I used to say that. 446 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,240 People used to come up: "It's bollocks. 447 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:51,080 "How come you can call a show 'What's Happening White People' 448 00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:54,480 "and I can't call a show 'What's Happening Black Bastards?'" 449 00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:04,760 Not exactly the same, Dave. 450 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,920 "You're racist, you are, mate!" "How?" 451 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,600 "How come it's all right for you to go up on stage, right, 452 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,720 "and do my accent and I'm not allowed to do your accent?" 453 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:18,840 "You are allowed to do my accent." 454 00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:21,760 "No, how come it's all right for you to go up on stage, right, 455 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,400 "and do my accent, and it's racist 456 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,680 "if I go up on stage and do a bad-bad ding-ding accent." 457 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:32,720 "A what? 458 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,160 "Say that again, mate." 459 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,880 "Do a bad-bad ding-ding poppadom butter-chicken accent." 460 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,280 I ain't got a bad-bad... 461 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:46,240 ding-ding 462 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,320 poppadom butter-chicken accent. 463 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:50,520 I'm from Edgware. 464 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:56,200 Hang on, let's rewind that for a second. 465 00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:58,520 Bad-bad ding-ding. 466 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:02,600 What you laughing at, Dave? 467 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,520 Where did this shit come from? 468 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:08,360 "That weren't me, that was me dad." 469 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,600 Bad-bad ding-ding. 470 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:17,280 Apparently it came from the buses. 471 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:21,720 A lot of Indian people and Muslim people came to this country in the '60s and '70s 472 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,480 and they used to work on London Transport, right. 473 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:27,440 And my dad was a bus conductor. I used to sit on the buses with him. 474 00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:29,760 Never once did he say, "Bad-bad ding-ding." 475 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:36,840 I've never in my life... 476 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:40,680 I've been around a lot of Indian people, Bengalis, Musalmans, 477 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,840 Sikhs, transgender Bengalis, everything. 478 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:47,600 Correct me if I'm wrong 479 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:52,320 but I have never seen one Indian person walk up to another Indian person 480 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:53,680 in my life 481 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:55,600 saying... 482 00:29:57,520 --> 00:29:58,520 "Bad-bad... 483 00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:01,760 "...ding-ding. 484 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:05,480 "Fucking hell, bad-bad." 485 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:07,800 "Pehnchoda, ding-ding." 486 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:12,200 "Bad-bad ding-ding." 487 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:18,720 My family came to this country in 1910. 488 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:20,600 Great Auntie Ding-Ding, Uncle Bad-Bad. 489 00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:24,640 They never said this shit. 490 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,440 I used to get all different types of groups 491 00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:31,800 who deal with these kind of issues when I was growing up. 492 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:34,680 I grew up around a lot of Chinese people, right? 493 00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,840 Because I used to play Street Fighter II a lot. 494 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:43,280 Me and my friends used to hear "ching-chong". 495 00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:46,280 That's proper racist, innit? 496 00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:49,520 I've never once in my life seen one Chinese person 497 00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:51,880 walk up to another Chinese person, 498 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:53,480 in my life... 499 00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:56,720 I ain't gonna do it. 500 00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:00,880 Because it's racist. 501 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:03,200 And Chinese people don't like lacism. 502 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:11,440 They'll come up to me after the show. "Hm, your jokes? Not funny." 503 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:20,160 "We don't do that." 504 00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:22,120 "Sagat's Tiger Uppercut." 505 00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:24,480 "Hadoken." 506 00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:26,880 "You lose. Perfect." 507 00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:33,880 "It's bollocks, man. Talk about something else. 508 00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:36,160 "You've only got one joke, mate." 509 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:38,680 All right. I love women. Where's all the women tonight? 510 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:40,800 - That's more like it. 511 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:43,240 But I'll get shit for that afterwards. 512 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:45,640 "That was really sexist when you said you love all women. 513 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:48,520 "What you did there is you put all women into one category 514 00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:50,440 "and there are different types of people. 515 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:53,480 "There are straight women, gay women, non-binary women, transgender women, 516 00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:55,800 "there are transgender Bengalis, and what you've done... 517 00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:01,360 "What you did was really, really sexist." 518 00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:04,600 How can I be a sexist when I'm a feminist? 519 00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:06,840 So I said, "Look, bitch, these are jokes." 520 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,280 That's the problem with me. 521 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:17,480 I focus on all the negative feedback I get. 522 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:20,640 I should concentrate on all the love I get from you fans. 523 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:23,440 I get so much love from you fans on social media. 524 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:30,080 In fact, I want to read out 525 00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:33,160 some of the social-media feedback I get from you guys 526 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:35,400 on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. 527 00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:37,520 "I've been waiting a long time for this. 528 00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:40,720 "@paulchowdhry is going back on tour. 529 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:42,160 "He is my..." 530 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:52,320 What kind of bastard can't spell "favourite" right? 531 00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:58,720 Oh, it's that bastard. 532 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:07,240 Here's another one I got under one of my YouTube videos. 533 00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:11,240 You know, I post YouTube videos and I get comments underneath them. 534 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,240 I can't name her for legal reasons 535 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:15,400 so let's just call her Tracey. 536 00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:20,120 Tracey sends me a comment that says, "Mohamhad..." 537 00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:27,680 Mohamhad? 538 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,760 You do not put ham in the middle of that name. 539 00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:43,640 "Mohamhad, go eff your children, your four wives. 540 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:46,240 "Kill your sisters. Muslims are not funny. 541 00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:47,320 "Period." 542 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:50,840 Period? That explains quite a lot. 543 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,280 Should have said that at the beginning of the sentence. 544 00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:58,160 I wouldn't have read any further, innit? 545 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:04,160 "Oh, send me to the back of your temple of mosque." 546 00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:08,640 What's a temple of mosque? 547 00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:10,880 That's two separate establishments. 548 00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:15,480 What's that, the new Indiana Jones film? 549 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,600 Indiana Jones and the Temple of Mosque? 550 00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:25,640 An imam runs out of a mosque with a big rock chasing him. 551 00:34:30,720 --> 00:34:33,800 I'm not gonna read out the rest. That's the problem with the Internet. 552 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,720 People can be racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic, 553 00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,320 transgenderphobic. 554 00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:40,720 I don't take that shit. 555 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:42,680 I rip 'em a new arsehole, innit? 556 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:46,840 Here's another one under one of my YouTube videos. 557 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,240 "Fucking, filthy, disgusting, vile, 558 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:54,280 "dirty, embarrassing, wannabe white man. 559 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:56,640 "You coconut, 560 00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:00,560 "dark from the outside... 561 00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:09,520 "...dark from the outside, wannabe white from the inside." 562 00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:12,280 He had to explain what a coconut was. 563 00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:22,440 "The white man will never accept you. 564 00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:26,360 "You look Indian and fucked up too." 565 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:33,120 Not only do I look Indian, I'm fucked up 566 00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:34,840 on top of looking Indian. 567 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:38,480 "Indian and fucked up too." 568 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:42,840 Here's another one I got from one of my fans. 569 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,440 "I used to have a problem getting girls, 570 00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:48,760 "but thanks to you, I grew my beard and moustache 571 00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:50,640 "and copied your jokes. 572 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:52,640 "Now I'm a registered sex offender... 573 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,720 "...on the terrorist watch list." 574 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,840 People say, "Paul, why don't you read out the positive messages? 575 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:13,800 "You only concentrate on the negativity." 576 00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:17,240 And I don't find it as funny but when I perform to a live audience, 577 00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:20,400 it gives me that opportunity to thank you all for messages like this. 578 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:23,280 When I get "@paulchowdhry Keep up the good work", 579 00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:25,680 it gives me a chance to thank each and every one of you 580 00:36:25,720 --> 00:36:27,640 for all the good feedback you give me. 581 00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:30,160 So, thanks, guys, for all these types of messages. 582 00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:44,320 Why have you stopped clapping? I wanna thank all of you 583 00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:46,440 for funding our organisation. 584 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:49,600 Jamil, give out the badges, man. 585 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:54,520 Start phoning on your iPhone now. 586 00:36:57,520 --> 00:37:01,440 A message from my brother underneath, Osama Bin Dead Laden. 587 00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:08,760 People say, "Paul, you should be careful, man." 588 00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:12,240 "Why you making fun of people online? They could have mental health issues." 589 00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:14,440 And I say, "You know what? I don't give a shit." 590 00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:23,400 Mental health is massive at the moment, innit? 591 00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:25,360 Do you remember when people were sad? 592 00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:29,160 No one's sad anymore. You gotta be happy or depressed. 593 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:32,320 "I'm really, really depressed." 594 00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:34,480 "You might be sad." "No, no, fucking depressed." 595 00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:40,280 Have we got any doctors in tonight? 596 00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:43,720 - Yes. - Yeah? Whereabouts? You? 597 00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:47,080 You're a doctor. 598 00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:50,720 What fucking kind of doctor are you? 599 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,560 "I got a headache, doctor." "OK, take down your kuchi." 600 00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:05,400 If I walked in and I saw you sat there with your lun out... 601 00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:09,560 It's all right, mate. Fuck it. 602 00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:12,480 - What's your name, man? - Mohamed. 603 00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:13,600 Dr Mohamed? 604 00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:18,720 How many white patients have you got? 605 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:20,440 One. 606 00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:25,320 Just this guy? He looks like he's been sedated. 607 00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:28,280 He's not even here of his own will. 608 00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:33,840 - What kind of doctor are you? - Cardiologist. 609 00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:36,760 Cardiologist? What the fuck does that mean? 610 00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:38,600 Hearts. 611 00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:40,520 Cocks? 612 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:43,640 You're a lun doctor? 613 00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:48,600 I didn't know cardiologist was cocks. 614 00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:50,600 - "What kind of doctor?" - "Cocks." 615 00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:54,880 - "I got a headache." - "Let me just check it for you." 616 00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:00,480 "Better? Better? Better?" 617 00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:01,720 "Aa-aah!" "Better." 618 00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:08,280 Depression isn't a thing amongst the Asian community. 619 00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:10,480 Depression is like a white thing, innit? 620 00:39:12,240 --> 00:39:13,640 Only white people suffer from it. 621 00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:16,280 If someone's got depression within the Indian community, 622 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:17,840 we just get rid of them. 623 00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:22,440 "That one's broken. Fuck off. 624 00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:26,680 "Depression? Just fucking lazy. Fuck off!" 625 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:34,200 Because we should talk more about mental health issues. 626 00:39:34,240 --> 00:39:38,440 You know six times as many men kill themselves compared to women? 627 00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:40,200 And let's not be sexist about this. 628 00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:42,640 It's not because a woman can't tie a noose. 629 00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:49,120 It's not because you can't wire a plug. 630 00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:54,200 It's because women are much better about talking about issues. 631 00:39:54,240 --> 00:39:56,440 Men keep it pent up. They won't speak to anyone. 632 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,360 Women will. You know? She's got depression, 633 00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:02,680 she'll be on the phone to her friends for hours and hours and hours 634 00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:04,680 and hours and hours and hours, 635 00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,360 weeks, months, years and hours and hours... 636 00:40:07,400 --> 00:40:08,720 He's killed himself. 637 00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:10,480 ...and hours and hours 638 00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:12,640 and hours... They find his body four weeks later. 639 00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:15,800 ...and hours and hours. The police turn up. "What happened?" 640 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:17,320 "I'm on the fucking phone. 641 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:20,400 "You've always gotta ruin it, ain't ya?" 642 00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:25,240 It's very important to talk about mental health, you know. 643 00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:27,360 We're all in this together. 644 00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:30,360 I remember when Prince William and Harry spoke about the loss of their mum. 645 00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:33,680 They suffer from depression. Arguably that's their bereavement. 646 00:40:33,720 --> 00:40:36,680 Now, I lost my mum when I was four years old, right? 647 00:40:36,720 --> 00:40:38,440 And if I can say that openly in a room 648 00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:40,800 and help anyone that's been through similar situations, 649 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,360 we can make the world a better place, innit? 650 00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:46,480 I commended the princes for saying that openly, 651 00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:51,280 and they taught me that if I ever drive around Paris with a Muslim, 652 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:54,200 get fully comprehensive car insurance. 653 00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:02,360 I was watching the Madeleine McCann documentary. 654 00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:10,200 Don't tell us the end. Don't tell us where they find her. 655 00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:12,720 No spoilers tonight. 656 00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:17,160 Are we still looking for Madeleine McCann? 657 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:20,680 We shouldn't be moaning. This is costing us taxpayers money. 658 00:41:20,720 --> 00:41:22,680 Every room we go into, we should be, 659 00:41:22,720 --> 00:41:25,560 "Is there a Madeleine McCann in tonight?" 660 00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:27,120 I do it when I go shopping. 661 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:29,280 "Is there a Madeleine McCann in here? 662 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:30,360 "No?" 663 00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:31,840 I've been banned from Sainsbury's. 664 00:41:35,560 --> 00:41:40,440 Madeleine McCann was abducted about 15 years ago in Portugal, right? 665 00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:43,440 And it must be bad for her parents, innit? 666 00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:46,400 It must be bad. I know that feeling. 667 00:41:46,440 --> 00:41:48,280 I lost my iPhone once. 668 00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:03,760 You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach? 669 00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:06,280 "Where the fuck is my phone, man? 670 00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:08,760 "Where's my phone? Have you...? 671 00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:12,320 "Phone my phone, man." 672 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:16,120 "Fucking phone my... I've lost my phone. 673 00:42:16,160 --> 00:42:18,120 "If they find that phone, I'm fucked. 674 00:42:19,720 --> 00:42:21,400 "Phone it up." 675 00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:24,240 The phone starts ringing. "Hello? Who's that?" 676 00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:25,480 "Madeleine McCann." 677 00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:29,640 "Who fucking gave you my phone? We've been looking for you." 678 00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:36,800 You know, we should be able to back up kids onto the cloud. 679 00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:41,920 The amount of kids that go missing, 680 00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:45,800 you should be able to back up kids onto the cloud, innit? 681 00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:48,440 Obviously you can't back a kid up onto the cloud 682 00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,760 because then Michael will start playing with them. 683 00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:56,360 I didn't even say Jackson in that sentence 684 00:42:56,400 --> 00:42:57,560 and everyone knew what I meant 685 00:42:57,600 --> 00:42:58,840 when I said Michael. 686 00:43:01,720 --> 00:43:03,840 Any Michael Jackson fans here tonight? 687 00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:05,440 Yes! 688 00:43:05,480 --> 00:43:08,600 I was a huge Michael Jackson fan 689 00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:12,600 and then I saw that documentary, and I was pretty disturbed. 690 00:43:15,720 --> 00:43:17,200 Michael Jackson. People go, 691 00:43:17,240 --> 00:43:20,400 "You don't get it, Paul. Michael got beaten up by his dad." 692 00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:22,760 So did a lot of other people. 693 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:25,560 Anyone else in this room get beaten up by their dad? 694 00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:26,920 - Yes! - Yeah? 695 00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:29,440 Everyone looks at the Indian people. 696 00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,120 Dave and Trace are like, 697 00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:35,120 "Nah, mate. Fucking hell. I'd have knocked him out, the slag." 698 00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:38,280 "If my dad put his fingers up, I would have smacked the cunt." 699 00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:41,360 We can't knock our dads out, Dave. 700 00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:46,360 Michael got the good beatings as well, innit? 701 00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:48,800 The beating so bad he turned white. The real beatings. 702 00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:54,560 Michael had a certain type of kid he was hanging out with as well, innit? 703 00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:56,480 Like, little white boys. 704 00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:58,480 Little cute little... 705 00:44:02,920 --> 00:44:05,280 Never Muslim boys or Indian boys. 706 00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:07,280 Always little white boys, innit? 707 00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:08,880 Doing the dancing and... 708 00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:15,760 Now, this is gonna sound racist, right? 709 00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:22,840 But white people need to hang on to their kids for a little bit longer. 710 00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:28,240 You give away your kids way too quickly. 711 00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:31,440 Michael was like, "I love your kid. 712 00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:36,480 "I love your kid. 713 00:44:36,520 --> 00:44:38,800 "Really cute, your kid. 714 00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:42,520 "Can I play with your kid?" 715 00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:44,840 "Can I?" 716 00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:49,120 White people are like, "Fucking have him, mate. 717 00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:51,560 "Fucking have him, you slag. 718 00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:55,640 "When do you want him?" "Keep him, you wanker!" 719 00:44:55,680 --> 00:44:57,640 "Give him back whenever you've finished with him." 720 00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:05,200 You never saw him hanging around with any little Indian boys, innit? 721 00:45:05,240 --> 00:45:08,360 We would never have been allowed to hang out with Michael. 722 00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:10,760 No Asian family would have given away their kid 723 00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:14,480 to Michael Jackson for a couple of years, unattended. 724 00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:17,200 "Dad, I wanna go Michael Jackson house." 725 00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:23,720 "What did you say?" 726 00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:28,120 "I wanna go Michael Jackson house." 727 00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:29,800 "Who house?" 728 00:45:30,640 --> 00:45:32,440 "Michael Jackson house." 729 00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:36,520 "You're never going Neverland, pehnchoda. 730 00:45:37,640 --> 00:45:40,600 "It's called Neverland because you're never fucking going." 731 00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:50,520 "Straight back home, pehnchoda." 732 00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:52,640 - "He's got a funfair." - "We got a garden." 733 00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:56,520 "I buy new swing, pehnchoda. 734 00:45:57,960 --> 00:45:59,760 "Fucking Michael Jackson." 735 00:46:03,160 --> 00:46:07,720 "That's really out of order, Paul. Michael's not here to defend himself. 736 00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:09,240 "He's not here, is he? 737 00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:11,360 "You're making fun of him and he's not here." 738 00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:13,840 What was he gonna say if he was here to defend himself? 739 00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:15,440 "I didn't do it." 740 00:46:16,880 --> 00:46:20,320 "I never touched those kids." 741 00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:25,880 "That's out of order, Paul. That is really out of order. 742 00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:27,720 "That's way below the belt, innit? 743 00:46:27,760 --> 00:46:32,440 "Michael, he was like a boy trapped inside a man's body." 744 00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:35,400 I think you've got that the wrong way round, man. 745 00:46:35,440 --> 00:46:37,280 "Michael didn't have a bad bone in his body." 746 00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:39,800 He had a bad bone in the kid's body, that's what he had. 747 00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:45,640 That voice as well. 748 00:46:45,680 --> 00:46:48,360 "I love kids." 749 00:46:48,400 --> 00:46:50,280 No one in this room could ever sleep in a bed 750 00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:52,320 with a kid that ain't related to him. 751 00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:57,400 He goes, "What's wrong with sharing your bed 752 00:46:57,440 --> 00:46:59,640 "with a kid?" 753 00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:03,640 What's with that voice? He was a 50-year-old man. 754 00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:05,800 "Love kids." 755 00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:10,560 That's how he got away with it, pretending he was like a child. 756 00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:12,920 "Love kids." 757 00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:15,120 No one else could have got away with that. 758 00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:18,680 If I walk out of this show tonight, right, and some guy comes up to me, 759 00:47:18,720 --> 00:47:21,640 "I love sleeping in the bed 760 00:47:22,520 --> 00:47:25,240 "with the kid", 761 00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:27,720 I'd say, "Get the fuck out of here, you nonce. 762 00:47:29,240 --> 00:47:30,720 "Hey, let's kick his head in." 763 00:47:34,880 --> 00:47:36,880 He'd never have got away with it with my voice. 764 00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:38,720 Fucking love kids, mate. 765 00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:41,440 Fucking love children. 766 00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:49,360 Look, I love Michael Jackson music but I had to stop listening to it. 767 00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:52,520 If I have to, I listen to The Jackson 5 era. 768 00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:55,360 You know, the days when I could have touched him. 769 00:47:56,960 --> 00:48:00,560 It's not paedophilia if you're abusing a paedophile. 770 00:48:00,600 --> 00:48:02,240 That's the rules, innit, Dave? 771 00:48:05,720 --> 00:48:09,440 You know who I feel sorry for? The Michael Jackson impersonators. 772 00:48:10,720 --> 00:48:12,720 What are they gonna do now? 773 00:48:12,760 --> 00:48:16,360 They can't do children's parties anymore, innit? 774 00:48:16,400 --> 00:48:19,720 ♪ You're not alone 775 00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:21,480 "That's cos you're in bed with me. 776 00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:25,400 "Get the fuck out the bed. I'm a four-year-old boy." 777 00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:27,560 That all sounds very different now, innit? 778 00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:29,840 Guess who wrote that song? R. Kelly. 779 00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:37,320 That's like getting Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris to record a track together. 780 00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:40,280 ♪ Now, then, now, then 781 00:48:40,320 --> 00:48:42,720 ♪ Now, then, now, then Now, then, now, then 782 00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:47,280 ♪ Now, then, now, then... The remix. 783 00:48:47,320 --> 00:48:49,480 ♪ Now, then, now, then 784 00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:54,520 It's like the paedo playlist, innit? 785 00:48:56,520 --> 00:48:58,480 I ain't got any kids, though. 786 00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:00,160 I'm not even married. Do you know that? 787 00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:02,880 I'm 44 years old and I'm not married. 788 00:49:02,920 --> 00:49:04,480 And I'm Indian. 789 00:49:05,840 --> 00:49:08,560 That's probably the most controversial thing I've said all night. 790 00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:13,240 The looks on the Indians' faces. "Fucking disgusting." 791 00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:19,320 "Not married? Fucking hell." 792 00:49:20,400 --> 00:49:23,400 It's like a qualification in this community, innit? 793 00:49:23,440 --> 00:49:26,520 You know when you're not married? You're dead to the community. 794 00:49:26,560 --> 00:49:29,120 In fact, I've got cousins that have come out of prison. 795 00:49:29,160 --> 00:49:31,840 "Don't worry, come home. He's not married. Fuck off! 796 00:49:32,920 --> 00:49:35,280 "Like shit on my shoe, pehnchoda." 797 00:49:36,440 --> 00:49:38,800 I went out with white women when I was growing up 798 00:49:38,840 --> 00:49:40,480 and it was very controversial. 799 00:49:40,520 --> 00:49:44,520 Nowadays no one cares about mixed relationships anymore. 800 00:49:44,560 --> 00:49:46,560 But in the olden days it was tougher. 801 00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:49,400 My sister ended up with a white guy in the 1980s. 802 00:49:49,440 --> 00:49:51,600 That was when it was really controversial. 803 00:49:52,360 --> 00:49:55,200 We don't talk to her anymore. That's not the point. 804 00:49:56,360 --> 00:49:59,520 I don't even know what she looks like, but that's not the point. 805 00:49:59,560 --> 00:50:02,480 Because what happened is, a lot of Indian people 806 00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:03,880 and Muslim and Asian people, 807 00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:06,440 when they can't find someone in this country 808 00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:08,520 they get taken back home to find someone. 809 00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:12,240 Not Birmingham or Leicester. 810 00:50:15,240 --> 00:50:16,320 Proper back home. 811 00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:21,840 True story. My brother got taken to India to get married. I remember this. 812 00:50:21,880 --> 00:50:24,120 My dad took my brother to India on a Monday. 813 00:50:25,760 --> 00:50:27,640 He met this girl on a Tuesday. 814 00:50:29,280 --> 00:50:31,720 He took her for a drink on Wednesday. 815 00:50:31,760 --> 00:50:34,280 Then he got married on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 816 00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:36,440 Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, 817 00:50:36,480 --> 00:50:38,760 Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, 818 00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:41,280 Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, 819 00:50:41,320 --> 00:50:44,400 Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. That's a long wedding, innit? 820 00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:47,480 You know most Indian weddings last longer than English marriages? 821 00:50:52,720 --> 00:50:56,240 A lot of Indian people and a lot of Muslim and Asian people, 822 00:50:56,280 --> 00:50:59,800 we have to marry within the same religious groups as each other. 823 00:50:59,840 --> 00:51:03,440 And that saves a lot of the Asian guys. 824 00:51:03,480 --> 00:51:05,680 If you look at some of these Indian women here tonight, 825 00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:07,600 some beautiful women... 826 00:51:07,640 --> 00:51:09,400 Whey-hey! 827 00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:13,720 ...with deep voices. 828 00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:21,320 You look at the Indian women, there's some beautiful Indian women. 829 00:51:21,360 --> 00:51:23,120 Apart from that fucked-up animal. 830 00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:28,440 Some beautiful Indian women, 831 00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:31,160 and they have to marry within the same religious groups. 832 00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:32,840 And then you look at the bloke with them: 833 00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:34,760 fucked up! 834 00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:40,560 Some gorilla turns up from Planet of the Apes. 835 00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:48,080 He's in tonight. 836 00:51:56,440 --> 00:52:00,360 The thing is, Indian people don't have that birds and the bees chat. 837 00:52:00,400 --> 00:52:01,760 Our parents never sat us down. 838 00:52:01,800 --> 00:52:03,640 Indian people, Muslims, 839 00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:06,120 did your parents ever sit you down and have the birds and the bees chat? 840 00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:08,400 This guy actually examines dicks 841 00:52:08,440 --> 00:52:10,320 and he's never had the birds... 842 00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:14,400 He had to learn it at university. 843 00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:19,400 Your dad never sat you down, innit? Our dads never sat us down. 844 00:52:19,440 --> 00:52:23,160 "Son, when you get older, let me show you what you have to do." 845 00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:28,640 We never had that birds and the bees chat. 846 00:52:28,680 --> 00:52:30,680 White people sit their kids down 847 00:52:30,720 --> 00:52:33,280 and talk to them about these kinds of things in life. 848 00:52:33,320 --> 00:52:37,680 "Son, when you get older, fucking get in there, you little slag. 849 00:52:37,720 --> 00:52:40,520 "When I met your mum, fucking all day long I was." 850 00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:44,840 "I'm only six, Dad." 851 00:52:48,440 --> 00:52:50,680 "When I were six, I was a granddad, you little slag. 852 00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:53,720 "Hurry up, you wanker." 853 00:52:56,760 --> 00:52:59,760 I feel sorry for people, especially the women out there 854 00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:02,440 that have got to endure this kind of behaviour from men. 855 00:53:02,480 --> 00:53:04,720 This is how people meet these days. 856 00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:07,440 Someone's face comes up on your phone 857 00:53:07,480 --> 00:53:09,200 and you swipe their faces. 858 00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:12,280 You know, like Musimatch and... 859 00:53:14,520 --> 00:53:16,600 ...Halal.com, whatever. 860 00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:20,920 This is romance in 2019. 861 00:53:20,960 --> 00:53:22,880 Someone's face comes up on your phone. 862 00:53:22,920 --> 00:53:25,480 You don't know anything about this person as a human being. 863 00:53:25,520 --> 00:53:26,760 You swipe. 864 00:53:26,800 --> 00:53:30,480 How have we got to this in human civilisation? 865 00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:32,800 When someone's face comes up and you find them repulsive, 866 00:53:32,840 --> 00:53:35,120 "Get the fuck out of my phone!" 867 00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:46,800 That's why it don't work. Women think about who they're gonna date. 868 00:53:46,840 --> 00:53:48,680 Men don't give a shit. 869 00:53:48,720 --> 00:53:51,920 Women are like, "Er, no, no, no, no, no. 870 00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:53,200 "Hm? No." 871 00:53:54,360 --> 00:53:56,680 Yous are like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes. 872 00:53:56,720 --> 00:53:58,320 "That's all of them, innit?" 873 00:53:59,520 --> 00:54:01,720 "That's not even got a picture." "Fucking yes, bruv." 874 00:54:03,720 --> 00:54:06,880 "That's a monkey banging a gorilla." "Fucking yes, bruv." 875 00:54:06,920 --> 00:54:09,480 "That's R. Kelly and Michael Jackson." 876 00:54:09,520 --> 00:54:11,200 "Fucking yes, bruv, innit?" 877 00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:15,400 I've had a couple of dates off these sites. 878 00:54:15,440 --> 00:54:18,120 A lot of people have got filters on their faces. 879 00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:19,840 You don't know what people look like in real life. 880 00:54:19,880 --> 00:54:22,120 You turn up and... "Who the fuck are you?" 881 00:54:22,160 --> 00:54:24,280 - "I'm here for the date." 882 00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:25,680 "Nah, mate. That's... 883 00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:29,360 "Where's your dog filter?" 884 00:54:31,800 --> 00:54:33,800 "Where's the tongue and the dog ears and shit?" 885 00:54:36,680 --> 00:54:38,640 I've been catfished. 886 00:54:38,680 --> 00:54:40,520 By a dogfish. 887 00:54:42,200 --> 00:54:43,720 They lie. People lie online. 888 00:54:43,760 --> 00:54:45,760 Sometimes they're in a picture with their friend, 889 00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:48,920 and you're like, "Which one am I trying to chat to right here?" 890 00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:51,720 I went on a date once and the wrong one turned up. 891 00:54:52,720 --> 00:54:54,160 The busted one. 892 00:54:55,200 --> 00:54:57,840 I'm like, "Who's that?" "Oh, that's my best friend." 893 00:54:57,880 --> 00:54:59,720 "Well, you better phone that bastard. 894 00:55:02,440 --> 00:55:03,840 "You better pay for this Uber." 895 00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:09,480 I feel sorry for the women out there, you know? 896 00:55:09,520 --> 00:55:11,920 Because men these days, they're pretty, like... 897 00:55:11,960 --> 00:55:15,680 When a man asks a woman to send him a picture online, 898 00:55:15,720 --> 00:55:16,760 don't send it. 899 00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:19,800 "Send me a picture, innit?" 900 00:55:19,840 --> 00:55:21,160 "Of what?" 901 00:55:21,200 --> 00:55:23,520 "You fucking know what I'm chatting about." 902 00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:26,600 "No." 903 00:55:26,640 --> 00:55:28,560 "Send me a picture of your tit hanging out." 904 00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:34,680 Then she's actually gotta go, "All right." 905 00:56:00,480 --> 00:56:04,400 You know, it's a thing at the moment where people send lun pictures. 906 00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:09,560 Do you know what you look like when you take that? Look at yourself. 907 00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:19,480 Unsolicited. That should be illegal. 908 00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:22,160 If you send a picture like that to a woman without her asking, 909 00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:24,840 you should be put in prison. No one can do that in real life. 910 00:56:24,880 --> 00:56:27,680 "What do you do?" "I'm in banking. I'm an accountant, innit?" 911 00:56:31,640 --> 00:56:33,680 "What are you doing?" "Nothing. I just got it out." 912 00:56:36,920 --> 00:56:38,480 Almost hit my own lun there. 913 00:56:43,720 --> 00:56:45,920 That's a bit embarrassing, innit? 914 00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:48,160 Smacked my own lun with a fake lun. 915 00:56:51,480 --> 00:56:53,720 Two dicks touching. You guys know what I'm chatting about. 916 00:57:01,880 --> 00:57:05,200 People send these pictures in real life, man. I feel sorry... 917 00:57:05,240 --> 00:57:08,080 Has any woman ever got one of those pictures and thought, 918 00:57:08,120 --> 00:57:09,480 "That's the one for me," 919 00:57:10,800 --> 00:57:12,560 "I've found the one"? 920 00:57:12,600 --> 00:57:14,360 White people can get away with that. 921 00:57:14,400 --> 00:57:17,760 Indians and Muslims, they even receive a dick pic, they'll get killed. 922 00:57:19,320 --> 00:57:21,640 Some of these Indian women, if they receive one, 923 00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:22,960 Musalman women... 924 00:57:23,000 --> 00:57:26,600 White people would be like, "Mum, I got a dick pic." 925 00:57:27,600 --> 00:57:28,880 "Let's have a look, love. 926 00:57:30,440 --> 00:57:31,640 "It's lovely, innit? 927 00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:34,720 "Show Dad. Dad, have a look at that. 928 00:57:35,920 --> 00:57:37,440 "She's got a date tomorrow." 929 00:57:39,680 --> 00:57:42,480 If she even received... Your dad would have killed you. 930 00:57:42,520 --> 00:57:44,560 "Who fuck...? Dick pic, pehnchoda? 931 00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:47,600 "Who fucking sent you this dick pic? 932 00:57:49,240 --> 00:57:51,200 "We'll find the bastard, kunjar soor!" 933 00:57:52,160 --> 00:57:54,680 "Who fucking sent this dick pic bastard? 934 00:57:54,720 --> 00:57:56,400 "Not even halal!" 935 00:58:04,320 --> 00:58:06,800 My point is, it doesn't matter. 936 00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:11,480 I get a lot of complaints from certain critics in this industry. 937 00:58:11,520 --> 00:58:13,080 I don't know if you know about this, 938 00:58:13,120 --> 00:58:16,440 but the biggest newspaper in England turned up to my last tour 939 00:58:16,480 --> 00:58:18,520 and they called me a xenophobe. 940 00:58:19,720 --> 00:58:22,880 You've seen my show. I don't even play an instrument. 941 00:58:28,920 --> 00:58:32,920 It doesn't matter what race, sexuality, gender, 942 00:58:32,960 --> 00:58:35,120 transgender Bengalis, don't matter, 943 00:58:36,640 --> 00:58:38,840 we should laugh at each other's differences 944 00:58:38,880 --> 00:58:42,200 and share each other's experiences because we're all one family. 945 00:58:45,680 --> 00:58:49,880 We live in 2019 now where racism has come back hardcore. 946 00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:55,920 Any airport you land at in the world, you got immigrants working at airports. 947 00:58:55,960 --> 00:58:58,120 That's the No.1 job for immigration. 948 00:58:58,160 --> 00:59:01,280 You land at London Heathrow airport, you got Indians working there. 949 00:59:01,320 --> 00:59:04,280 Indians popping down from India think they haven't even left yet. 950 00:59:09,320 --> 00:59:11,200 "We just flied 360 degrees. 951 00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:14,640 "We are still here, pehnchoda." 952 00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:19,280 This is gonna sound racist, right? 953 00:59:20,800 --> 00:59:24,720 But when I travel, I only travel with white people. 954 00:59:26,720 --> 00:59:28,480 You know? If I travel, 955 00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:31,520 I'm only travelling with Bungle, George and Geoffrey over here. 956 00:59:32,320 --> 00:59:34,280 Rod, Jane and Freddy. 957 00:59:34,320 --> 00:59:36,360 I ain't travelling with you lot. 958 00:59:37,440 --> 00:59:39,920 We ain't getting in anywhere. 959 00:59:39,960 --> 00:59:41,760 I remember last time I tried to get into America. 960 00:59:41,800 --> 00:59:43,880 With this look, it ain't gonna work. 961 00:59:43,920 --> 00:59:46,280 I went with my mate and I said, "How are we gonna get in?" 962 00:59:46,320 --> 00:59:49,640 And he said, "Don't worry about it, Paul. Copy me. We'll both get in." 963 00:59:50,720 --> 00:59:54,280 - "How's that?" - "Just say what I say. Just copy me." 964 00:59:54,320 --> 00:59:56,840 When we get to the immigration desk, they say, 965 00:59:56,880 --> 00:59:58,440 "So, what do you do for a living?" 966 00:59:58,480 --> 01:00:01,280 Dave goes, "I work in recruitment." 967 01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:02,640 "Go right through." 968 01:00:08,720 --> 01:00:12,280 "I can't say I work in recruitment, you dumb bastard. 969 01:00:12,320 --> 01:00:13,760 "Who am I recruiting?" 970 01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:20,280 He gets in. I get to, "What's your name?" 971 01:00:20,320 --> 01:00:22,280 "Paul Chowdhry." "What do you do?" 972 01:00:22,320 --> 01:00:25,480 "I'm a comedian." "Oh. We'd better google you." 973 01:00:25,520 --> 01:00:27,560 "Don't google me, man." 974 01:00:30,440 --> 01:00:33,200 "Don't google me, man. Don't google me." 975 01:00:33,240 --> 01:00:34,800 And then this shit came up. 976 01:00:37,680 --> 01:00:39,680 I was on the next flight back to Syria. 977 01:00:41,480 --> 01:00:43,200 That's my time. You've been a great crowd. 978 01:00:43,240 --> 01:00:46,280 Thanks for coming out tonight. Thanks a lot, guys.