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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[soft music plays]
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[woman on voicemail]
Yeah, baby boy, it's Mama.
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Thank you for my beautiful flowers
and the card.
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[man on voicemail]
Hey, baby boy, it's Pops.
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Just reaching out to say I love you.
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[Marlon's mom] Calling to check on you,
Marlon. Hope you're feeling better.
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Don't play with this.
It's a very serious flu out here.
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[man on voicemail] Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Give me a call.
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Let me know what your schedule's like.
Peace out.
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[Marlon's mom] Hey, baby boy. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you for that gift.
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You've never missed a Mother's Day.
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I'm sorry you're not going to be with me,
but I realize you have to work.
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So I love, love, love you.
Thank you so much for the gift.
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And also for the fact that you can love me
the way I need to be loved.
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Love you. Thank you. Mama.
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[man] Help me praise his name!
My guy, the one and only,
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Mr. Marlon Wayans!
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[crowd cheering]
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[hip-hop music plays]
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[crowd cheering]
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What's up, New York City?
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What the fuck is happening, Harlem?
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[cheering]
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All right, we in here.
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Life is good.
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Life is fucking good.
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[cheering]
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Life is good.
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Please, enjoy every minute you can.
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Please.
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If I learned anything in my 51 years,
it's please enjoy this ride called life.
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This shit is a really short ride.
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[applause]
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I want you to understand.
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Don't put high expectations on people.
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People are going to disappoint you.
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So don't have high expectations of them.
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Just know this.
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Everyone is an asshole.
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Everyone is an asshole.
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You're an asshole.
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Your girl's an asshole.
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I'm an asshole. That's why I started
this show three hours late.
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I'm a fucking dick.
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[cheering, applause]
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I just wanted to see how much
you motherfuckers love me.
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[man] You fuckin' asshole!
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Everyone's an asshole. Your kids.
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They look all cute to you,
but they're fucking assholes.
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Ask their teachers.
They're fucking assholes.
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Your parents are old assholes.
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But what you must do
is you must forgive them.
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You have to trust that your parents did
the best they could with what they had.
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[cheering]
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And I say this from my heart.
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Keep your heart light.
I just lost my dad five months ago.
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[crowd murmurs]
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Yeah. But you know what?
He was a good dude, you know?
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Don't feel bad.
You didn't kill him, liquor did.
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But, you know,
I had a great time with my father, man.
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Please, have a great time
with your parents.
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I had a great time. I have no fucking
problems with my dad at all.
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No beefs.
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I got two little tiffs, you know?
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Nothing... nothing big, nothing I would
talk to my therapist about, you know.
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That's valuable time. I save that for...
to talk about these bitches.
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You know what I'm saying?
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[laughs]
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Two beefs with my dad. One is...
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You know, that nigga never wished me
a happy birthday.
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Nah, but he Jehovah's Witness.
Them niggas are weird.
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[laughs]
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Y'all groan. "Ah, not those niggas."
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You know, it's funny.
My dad was Jehovah's Witness.
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My mother was like,
"Mm-mm, nigga. I'm Baptist.
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I like Christmas." [laughs]
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My mama hated the religion so much that,
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nigga, there was days she didn't answer
the door for this nigga.
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My daddy knocked.
My mom creeped to the door...
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"Ah, shit, kids, get down."
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"Who is it, Mama?" "It's your father.
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He got them fucking books
and them people with him. Shh!
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Keenan, hit the lights.
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Damon, get your bald head over here.
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There's a glare, nigga. Come here!
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Marlon, Marlon, don't you open that door.
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Jehovah will witness me
beating the shit out you, nigga."
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[audience laughing]
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It's crazy. My father would never even
say the phrase "happy birthday."
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Felt like if he said "happy birthday,"
he would instantly go to hell.
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So he wouldn't say the phrase.
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He'd call me on my birthday, he goes,
"Hey, son.
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Happy Wednesday.
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Happy Wednesday on the day
I accidentally bust
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another nut inside your mama...
and made you."
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And when I was little, you understand,
that shit used to hurt my feelings, man.
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You know what I mean?
Your dad never wished you happy birthday.
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Me and my brother, Shawn,
we'd be in our bedroom all mad.
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Five and six years old,
be pacing back and forth and shit.
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With them stupid birthday hats on,
you know them party hats.
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[audience laughing]
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And we'd be so mad, we'd call my mama
in the room by her government name.
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We'd be like, "Elvira! Come here!
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Why you fuck this nigga?"
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"Yeah. How come he pick
Jehovah's Witness as a religion?"
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And my mama, funniest woman
you ever want to meet.
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Straight out of Harlem.
Always kept it real.
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She said, "Oh, niggas, do the math.
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That broke motherfucker got ten kids
and one job.
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He's trying to get out of buying
Christmas and birthday gifts, assholes!"
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Oh, shit.
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Nigga, that is a genius...
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and diabolical plan."
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I think Nick Cannon
should become Jehovah's Witness.
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[cheering, applause]
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Other beef I had with my father
is I feel like...
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I feel like... I think
that nigga beat me too much.
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Know what I mean?
Not saying I didn't deserve
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a large majority of those ass whippings.
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I probably deserved, you know,
I would say 87.3 percent
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of those ass whippings.
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That other 12.7 that my daddy
beat me for that I didn't deserve,
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that nigga had to pay for that.
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I waited.
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Wait till the nigga got good and old.
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And he started shitting himself.
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Let him sit in that diaper
just a little while longer.
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Not too long,
just two or three days, you know.
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No, four is too long.
That's just cruel, you know.
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I tried four and a turd, like,
hardened on his ass,
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and I had to chisel it off.
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Just chocolate chips all over the floor,
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and I had to clean that shit up,
and the joke's on me, so...
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But my point is,
I changed my father's diaper.
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I changed my parents' diapers.
Don't say you love your parents,
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and when they get old and they need you,
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you throw their ass in the old folks home.
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Don't do that. They didn't
throw you in a young folks home.
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Take care of your parents.
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It is a fucking privilege and an honor.
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[cheering, applause]
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And parents...
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y'all be appreciative
if your kids actually do that for you.
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Yeah, because my mama was funny.
My mama expected that shit.
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She hit me with that,
"Well, it's only right.
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I changed your diapers."
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Bitch.
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There is a difference between baby shit...
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and 83-year-old Black people shit.
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Let me tell you!
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Baby shit is made from baby food.
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You ever buy baby food,
you know what I mean?
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Carrots and sweet potatoes,
those orange motherfuckers.
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Come in that little Gerber jar.
You open the top. [clicks]
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You feed it to the baby.
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Three hours later, baby take a shit.
[blows raspberry]
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Look inside the diaper.
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It look just like sweet potatoes
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you fed that nigga three hours ago.
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You can actually take those
sweet potatoes out the Pamper...
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and feed them right back to the baby.
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[crowd laughing, groaning]
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Yeah, it may have a twang, you know?
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May have a little twang to it,
so, you know, maybe add some sugar
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or, you know, maple syrup.
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White people, agave and Stevia.
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But 83-year-old Black people shit...
nigga!
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It got pork, grits, cornbread,
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collard greens, turnip greens,
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fucking chitlins. Bitch.
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You got shit in shit!
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Like, if you got to change
your parents' diapers, look away.
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Just change that motherfucker
like a blind man. Just...
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And if you miss a spot,
who cares, ain't nobody going down there.
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00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:53,695
But, man, my mama used to
always talk shit about my daddy's dick.
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I thought she was hating. She was always
talking about my father's dick.
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"Yeah, your dick so ugly,
I could only fuck it in the dark.
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00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:06,166
Your dick so crooked,
I could hang my coat on it.
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00:11:07,459 --> 00:11:10,921
Your balls hang so low,
they look like click-clacks.
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Nigga, I could play Cabanga!
with them bitches." Bap!
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00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,176
And I thought my mother was hating,
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you know, because women,
y'all do that shit.
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00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:20,514
You talk about our dick,
then you fuck it. That's what's crazy.
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00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,225
My mother was talking shit
about my daddy.
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I went to change my daddy diaper,
and I opened that shit up.
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[makes whooshing sound]
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And y'all,
these old balls just dropped out.
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What the fuck! No! Ahh!
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00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,534
They were so long and droopy, like...
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I didn't know how he would
scratch those motherfuckers.
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00:11:42,411 --> 00:11:46,748
He had to hacky-sack them balls up
in order to scratch them. [laughs]
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00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,006
And they had all these
sparse white hairs on it.
195
00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:57,592
Just gray-ass hairs, and it was wet.
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Why was the fucking hair wet?
It looked like a mouse
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00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:03,140
ran through a fire
and the sprinklers came on.
198
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:07,644
And my mama wasn't lying when she said
that nigga dick was crooked.
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00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:10,147
Oh, shit. I ain't never seen
no shit like this.
200
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:13,191
It looked like it was hit by a car,
like... [screeches]
201
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:17,446
'Cause the shaft was bent this way.
And the nut was turned this way.
202
00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:20,782
But the eye was looking over the shoulder
like this here.
203
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:24,369
It looked like something out
the music video "Thriller," like...
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00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:28,748
[humming, laughs]
205
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,959
Like, the neck was fucked up.
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00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,128
It looked like my dad's dick
was in an action movie.
207
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:36,965
Like John Wick snapped the neck
in my daddy's dick.
208
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,677
That nigga dick was so crooked, he need
one of them corrective braces on it.
209
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:44,556
You know, them shits they give you
when you have spine surgery?
210
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:59,237
And for a minute,
I questioned whether he was my father
211
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:02,032
because we had different dicks. Like...
212
00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:05,994
No, 'cause my mama, God bless her soul,
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00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:08,121
she rounded... I had a pretty dick.
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00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,457
My mama, she made sure
it was rounded off.
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00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,209
I got that little...
You know what I'm saying?
216
00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:14,044
She cut it right, you know
what I'm saying? I got the fade.
217
00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:15,587
She faded my dick up.
218
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:19,132
My daddy, nigga,
he had all this extra skin.
219
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,844
I was like, "What the fuck is that?
What is that?!
220
00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:26,181
My father's Puerto Rican!
What the fuck?"
221
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,851
And it wasn't just a little,
it was a lot of skin.
222
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,812
It was so much foreskin, I...
223
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:36,024
I could have started a beef jerky company.
224
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:43,782
But my point is,
I changed my daddy's diaper.
225
00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:48,662
But, man, um...
226
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,790
Changing my mama's diaper...
227
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,214
That shit gave me anxiety. I'm not...
228
00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:01,216
You know what I'm saying? Like...
229
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,594
I made a pact with God.
230
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,890
I did. I said, "Lord, strike me down."
231
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:15,230
[laughs] "Strike me down, or be kind
enough to rip the eyes out my head...
232
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,567
before I ever had to see
233
00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:22,070
a 83-year-old pussy. Just..."
234
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,031
You know what I mean?
Like, I never been married
235
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:28,451
because I...
they say "till death do you part."
236
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:33,164
But I got to be honest,
at 70, bitch, I'm out. It's just...
237
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:36,376
You know what I mean?
Just the thought of it.
238
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:39,713
Like, you know, I just thought
a 83-year-old vagina, like,
239
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:42,299
that done seen some shit,
you know what I mean?
240
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:45,844
83 years of dick.
That's a lot of dick
241
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:48,013
haunting in that vagina.
242
00:14:48,013 --> 00:14:51,099
Like, it's like an old,
grizzled war veteran, you know?
243
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:54,853
Just seen some shit.
It's all grizzly and gray and...
244
00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:58,356
You know, and it's served several wars.
It served in Civil War.
245
00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:02,235
It ripped down racist statues
and freed the slaves.
246
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:05,113
And then it did a long tour in Vietnam.
247
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:09,075
And... and it served two tours in Iraq.
248
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:12,621
And now that pussy is preparing for war
with Russia and China.
249
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:13,997
You know what I mean? Ten kids.
250
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:16,249
My mama, I thought them lips
were going to be all stretched out
251
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,460
like an old washing machine belt.
252
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:21,630
And I thought it would be like
a portal to a whole new universe.
253
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:25,342
Like, I could jump in that bitch
and be in the Spider-Man universe.
254
00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:30,764
I just see different versions of me,
Little Man me and me in White Chicks.
255
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,933
And now I see me in Mo' Money
and I'm doing this to me.
256
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,227
You know... [laughs]
257
00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:38,730
And I just thought the lips would go...
83, I thought the lips
258
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:41,441
were gonna be all big and stretched out
from the ten kids.
259
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:45,278
I thought them... them labias
would be flapping in the wind,
260
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:49,449
just like the American flag
flapping proudly on the 4th of July.
261
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,743
Or at the Super Bowl,
I just start singing...
262
00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:55,413
♪ Oh, say, can you see? ♪
263
00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:58,500
And then the Blue Angels fly by.
[makes whooshing sound]
264
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:01,211
And then I'll kneel,
me and Colin Kaepernick.
265
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:05,131
And I just thought it was going to be
swollen like, you know,
266
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:08,426
lips would look like Louis Armstrong
when he played the sax. Like...
267
00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:12,597
[hums, mumbles]
♪ What a wonderful world ♪
268
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,267
The lips will be stretched out
and the hair would be coming out.
269
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:19,604
It would look like an old camel
chewing straw, like...
270
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:29,114
I thought my mom's vagina
was going to look like...
271
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:31,825
like Jay-Z when he's 92 years old.
272
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:35,328
[shouting, laughing]
273
00:16:36,538 --> 00:16:39,374
And so when I went to change her diaper,
274
00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:41,710
I opened the diaper up...
[makes whooshing sound]
275
00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,586
And I peeked,
276
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,089
and I was like, "Oh, shit!
277
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,091
Okay, Vi.
278
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,970
With your brand-new baby pussy.
279
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:56,057
Somebody's been doing their Kegels.
280
00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:59,769
Shawn, come here! Come look at this shit!
281
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:04,566
Who had ten kids?
Not out that pussy, we didn't.
282
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:11,990
That's a brand-new pussy, it should
have a price tag and a sensor on it.
283
00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:14,784
You can't steal that pussy from Macy's.
Oh, no."
284
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,128
[crowd shouting indistinctly]
285
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:29,924
[cheering, applause]
286
00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:39,809
[cheering]
287
00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:48,777
Yeah. I definitely feel
like my parents beat me too much.
288
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,987
[laughs]
289
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:54,073
And you're like, "Not after the way you
talked about your mom's vagina."
290
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,659
You stop judging me, unfold your arms.
291
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,829
Yeah, man.
292
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,999
I still feel like they beat me too much.
293
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:07,504
But, you know, it's funny. You know,
we always want to be victims in life.
294
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:09,339
Right?
Everybody always wants to be a victim.
295
00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:11,341
"Oh, I had it the hardest.
You don't know my journey.
296
00:18:11,341 --> 00:18:13,551
I had it the hardest."
Let me tell you something.
297
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:17,972
No matter how hard you may
have it in your lifetime,
298
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:21,142
there's always somebody that had it worse.
299
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,521
There's always somebody that had it worse.
300
00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:27,482
I want you to be grateful
for whatever God gave you
301
00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:30,527
in this journey,
you were supposed to have it.
302
00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:33,321
[applause]
303
00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,991
And I know
because there was niggas outside
304
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:39,369
and in my household that had it worse.
305
00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:40,787
You know, I'm the baby.
306
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:43,248
So I had it actually the easiest.
307
00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:45,083
You know why they had it worse?
308
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:47,252
Because they had my parents
when they were young.
309
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:49,170
They had a lot of energy.
310
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:52,090
When you young,
you could spank for days, just... bap!
311
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:55,343
Nigga, you try to run.
That nigga got legs, he run with you.
312
00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:58,179
He gonna jump up, "I got you, nigga."
313
00:18:58,179 --> 00:19:00,765
You wanna go down the stairs
under the bed...
314
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,813
[laughs]
315
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:10,775
When you older, nigga, you just like,
"All right, I'm... [sighs]
316
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:13,611
You go on, you know what I'm
gonna do to you when I catch you."
317
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:20,410
My parents,
when my brothers and sisters had 'em,
318
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,370
they were poor.
319
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:24,163
My parents was poor.
320
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,958
My daddy didn't have no teeth.
This nigga missing front teeth.
321
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:31,296
He was angry. Ladies, don't date a nigga
with a missing front tooth.
322
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:33,339
If you here with that nigga tonight,
we in Harlem,
323
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:35,550
there's a lot of these niggas out here.
324
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:39,929
That's the style in Harlem, nigga,
you missin' the front tooth.
325
00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:42,557
Women be like, "Oh, he's sexy,
something about that front tooth missing
326
00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:45,393
make me... make me moist inside."
327
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:46,686
You better leave that nigga.
328
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,855
Nigga missing his front tooth
ain't going to...
329
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:51,399
He going to beat you.
He gonna beat you.
330
00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:53,735
And he threaten you
through that fucking missing tooth too.
331
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:56,529
He be like, "Bitch, say something.
332
00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:59,115
[slurring] Say something!"
333
00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:03,119
Then he smoke his Newport
through that missing tooth.
334
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,331
[exhales, laughs]
335
00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,666
If he got a missing tooth
and an outie bellybutton,
336
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:11,210
oh, he beating you, the kids,
and your parents.
337
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:18,259
I had the easiest version of my parents.
338
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:23,640
Right? Because I had them after,
you know, my parents was older.
339
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,517
My brothers got money.
My brothers got money.
340
00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:29,228
My brother Damon
bought my father some teeth.
341
00:20:30,021 --> 00:20:33,066
This nigga would not stop smiling.
342
00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:44,452
This nigga...
343
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,664
So my parents, they had disciplinarians.
344
00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:52,251
By the time I came along,
man, I had old friends.
345
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:56,172
My mother and my father,
they was like my boys, you know.
346
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:58,508
We had fun, you know what I'm saying?
347
00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:01,594
I used to fuck with my parents.
I was just... I was a troll.
348
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:04,806
I'd do funny shit, like,
have sex conversations with my parents,
349
00:21:04,806 --> 00:21:07,183
especially because
they were much older than me.
350
00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:09,644
So I used to see how square they were.
351
00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:11,521
So I just asked my mama, said, "Ma, hey.
352
00:21:11,521 --> 00:21:14,941
So when you and Dad, y'all do it,
y'all be doing doggystyle?"
353
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:19,070
My mother said, "What, nigga?"
354
00:21:20,363 --> 00:21:22,198
I said, "You know, y'all do doggystyle?"
355
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:26,786
"Doggystyle! I ain't no fucking animal.
What you mean, doggystyle?"
356
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,997
"I mean, do you do it from the back?"
"From the back?
357
00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:32,083
Man, this ain't no fucking prison movie!
358
00:21:33,418 --> 00:21:36,504
You gonna turn me over and pump me
from the back like I'm in jail.
359
00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,881
No, nigga, you better look at me.
360
00:21:41,342 --> 00:21:44,137
I like to make love.
You look at me, nigga.
361
00:21:45,013 --> 00:21:47,223
And you better not fucking blink.
362
00:21:48,391 --> 00:21:51,436
Not the entire two minutes you do it."
363
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:54,939
[chuckling]
364
00:21:54,939 --> 00:21:59,027
I'd be like, "So, Ma."
So I say, "Pop ever went down on you?"
365
00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:03,239
My mother said, "Gone down where?"
366
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:08,077
I said, "You go down to,
you know, eat the groceries."
367
00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:09,412
"The groceries?
368
00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:12,623
This starting to sound nasty again.
369
00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:16,419
My groceries in the kitchen
where they belongs."
370
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:21,924
"No, you ever go down and lick your..."
"Lick my cookie?
371
00:22:21,924 --> 00:22:27,013
I'll kill that nigga,
he put his sour mouth on my vajayjay!
372
00:22:28,598 --> 00:22:32,435
That's nasty. Especially all the shit
that come out there once a month.
373
00:22:32,435 --> 00:22:36,355
You better not kiss me
or my grandbabies ever again!"
374
00:22:38,107 --> 00:22:40,193
I say... [laughs]
375
00:22:40,193 --> 00:22:42,737
This shit was amusing to me.
I'm like, "So, Ma.
376
00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:45,990
So you ever go down on him?"
377
00:22:46,824 --> 00:22:49,786
My mother said, "Nigga go on down where?"
378
00:22:50,745 --> 00:22:53,122
I said, "You never gone down... [gags]
379
00:22:55,625 --> 00:23:00,379
Gone down and sucked..."
"Suck... on that man's cling-clong?
380
00:23:01,798 --> 00:23:07,053
I'll kill that nigga, he put that sour
piece of meat in my fucking mouth!
381
00:23:08,346 --> 00:23:11,474
What kind of dog is that?
You gonna put that meat in my mouth,
382
00:23:11,474 --> 00:23:15,895
I'll bite that nigga dick off and beat him
upside his motherfucking head."
383
00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:20,066
I'll choke that nigga out.
All that skin he got? I'll choke him.
384
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,822
Now, you know I'm allergic to cheese."
385
00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:27,907
[audience laughing]
386
00:23:36,374 --> 00:23:39,502
I had a beautiful time with them.
I used to play with my parents,
387
00:23:39,502 --> 00:23:41,671
and my brothers and sisters
couldn't understand it
388
00:23:41,671 --> 00:23:43,673
because the relationship that they had.
389
00:23:43,673 --> 00:23:46,384
And I remember one time
my brother Keenan and Damon
390
00:23:46,384 --> 00:23:48,553
and all of them was home
from California, right?
391
00:23:48,553 --> 00:23:51,055
And my dad, he was washing dishes.
392
00:23:51,055 --> 00:23:55,351
And he had these sweatpants on,
but they had... the string was loose.
393
00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:58,229
So, you know, I came up behind him.
I told my brothers, "Shh, shh."
394
00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:01,107
I came behind this nigga,
and I pulled his pants down.
395
00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:03,109
[makes whooshing noise]
396
00:24:03,109 --> 00:24:05,695
And that old sour dick popped out.
397
00:24:08,072 --> 00:24:11,284
And y'all, my brothers scattered
398
00:24:12,326 --> 00:24:15,830
like old slaves that didn't know
they had they freedom.
399
00:24:16,998 --> 00:24:19,959
They was like, "Oh, Lord!
Don't you beat him, Pappy, Lord!
400
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:21,794
Don't you beat him!
He don't know no good!
401
00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:24,839
Pappy, he don't know no good,
he don't know no good!"
402
00:24:28,176 --> 00:24:30,595
And my dad, he pulled his pants up.
403
00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:33,222
He looked at me.
404
00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:37,143
He said, "That was a good one, son.
405
00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,646
I'll get you next time, nigga."
406
00:24:42,815 --> 00:24:46,110
And my older siblings
didn't understand what they saw.
407
00:24:47,403 --> 00:24:51,699
They had no idea that inside
of these disciplinarians
408
00:24:51,699 --> 00:24:53,451
that was my parents,
409
00:24:53,451 --> 00:24:57,038
lived this little silly boy
410
00:24:57,997 --> 00:24:59,540
and this little silly girl.
411
00:25:00,625 --> 00:25:03,628
And with your parents,
please experience all of them.
412
00:25:03,628 --> 00:25:06,797
Not just the mask
that they have to wear to raise you,
413
00:25:06,797 --> 00:25:08,799
but make them your friends.
414
00:25:08,799 --> 00:25:11,135
It's the most important thing
you can do for your journey.
415
00:25:11,135 --> 00:25:13,304
Make your parents your friends.
416
00:25:14,347 --> 00:25:17,183
My father taught me the shorthand
of what a man was.
417
00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:18,893
I remember when I was a little boy,
me and my brother Shawn,
418
00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:20,978
we asked my dad, we said, "Dad.
419
00:25:20,978 --> 00:25:23,564
What did you want to be when you grew up?"
420
00:25:23,564 --> 00:25:26,776
My father looked at me. He said,
"I wanted to be a man."
421
00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:37,328
I looked at Shawn like, "Somebody need
to help this nigga with his dreams.
422
00:25:39,372 --> 00:25:42,917
You got some pretty basic aspirations,
if you ask me."
423
00:25:44,418 --> 00:25:47,505
And, you know, I'm a kid. I'm like,
"Okay, well, what kind of man?
424
00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:49,465
You wanna be a policeman?
425
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:52,969
You wanna be a fireman?
426
00:25:53,803 --> 00:25:57,139
You wanna be a Batman,
a Spider-Man, a Superman?"
427
00:25:57,139 --> 00:26:01,394
My dad said, "No, son,
I just wanted to be a man."
428
00:26:01,394 --> 00:26:06,107
I said, "But, Dad,
every boy grows up to be a man."
429
00:26:06,107 --> 00:26:08,067
He said, "No, son.
430
00:26:08,067 --> 00:26:11,904
There's a lot of little boys
with mustaches out there."
431
00:26:13,281 --> 00:26:15,533
I said, "Then Dad, what's a man?"
432
00:26:15,533 --> 00:26:19,203
He said, "A man, he takes care of himself
433
00:26:19,203 --> 00:26:21,872
and he takes care of his responsibilities.
434
00:26:21,872 --> 00:26:26,043
- A man protects and provides."
- [applause]
435
00:26:26,043 --> 00:26:30,631
"A man puts his woman
and his children before himself.
436
00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,591
They are first.
437
00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:36,137
A man is the first one up.
He's the first one to work.
438
00:26:36,137 --> 00:26:39,807
He's the last one home.
And damn it, he's the last one to eat.
439
00:26:40,641 --> 00:26:42,643
That's a man."
440
00:26:42,643 --> 00:26:47,023
[applause]
441
00:26:49,025 --> 00:26:51,152
And my father told me this.
442
00:26:51,152 --> 00:26:53,321
He only had six teeth in his mouth.
443
00:26:56,532 --> 00:26:58,326
I swear to you...
444
00:26:58,326 --> 00:27:01,746
It would take this nigga about three years
to eat a bag of sunflower seeds,
445
00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:03,956
just... [laughs]
446
00:27:05,416 --> 00:27:10,046
Trying to find the right tooth combination
to crack them bitches on there.
447
00:27:17,136 --> 00:27:18,721
And y'all like, "Why? What the fuck?
448
00:27:18,721 --> 00:27:23,976
Why did Mr. Wayans have six teeth
in his mouth?"
449
00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:29,482
Well, either my father went to the dentist
and he fixed his smile,
450
00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:33,527
or he prioritized,
451
00:27:33,527 --> 00:27:35,654
or what I call sacrificed,
452
00:27:36,614 --> 00:27:39,950
and he fed his woman, and his children,
453
00:27:39,950 --> 00:27:43,621
and his grandchildren
three square meals a day.
454
00:27:44,914 --> 00:27:48,626
[applause, cheering]
455
00:27:50,503 --> 00:27:53,714
My father, Howell Wayans, was a man.
456
00:27:53,714 --> 00:27:58,010
[applause, cheering]
457
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,392
And ever since that day,
I too wanted to be a man.
458
00:28:05,476 --> 00:28:08,354
Just a really rich man,
because I'll be goddamned!
459
00:28:09,188 --> 00:28:12,733
If I have a snaggly ass tooth smile
like this nigga...
460
00:28:12,733 --> 00:28:16,153
My mother used to call him
a "Blackalantern." [laughs]
461
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:20,741
We ask her for money
for a pumpkin on Halloween,
462
00:28:20,741 --> 00:28:23,494
"Mama, we have money for a pumpkin?"
"You don't need no fucking pumpkin.
463
00:28:23,494 --> 00:28:26,914
Put a candle in your father's mouth
and sit that nigga on the porch."
464
00:28:32,461 --> 00:28:36,048
Enjoy your life. Enjoy your parents.
465
00:28:36,048 --> 00:28:39,385
Enjoy your loved ones
as long as you can live and breathe,
466
00:28:39,385 --> 00:28:44,932
please, do the best you can to get
as much out of life as you can.
467
00:28:44,932 --> 00:28:48,519
[cheering, applause]
468
00:28:49,895 --> 00:28:53,524
Because I'm gonna keep it real.
I can give you my wisdom at 50.
469
00:28:53,524 --> 00:28:57,653
Let me tell y'all something.
This shit called life, it gets dark!
470
00:28:58,404 --> 00:29:03,325
And anybody in here who's older than 50
know what the fuck I'm talking about.
471
00:29:03,325 --> 00:29:08,539
Let me tell you something.
I lost 57 people that I loved
472
00:29:08,539 --> 00:29:10,291
in the last three years.
473
00:29:11,333 --> 00:29:13,919
- But I still say God is good.
- [cheering]
474
00:29:13,919 --> 00:29:17,923
- God is good.
- [applause]
475
00:29:17,923 --> 00:29:20,009
Because I look at the bright side.
476
00:29:20,009 --> 00:29:24,763
No matter how dark shit is,
there's always a bright side, right?
477
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:27,933
I lost 57 people I love and I'm grateful.
You know why?
478
00:29:27,933 --> 00:29:30,311
Because one of those niggas
could have been me.
479
00:29:30,311 --> 00:29:32,396
And I'm really happy...
480
00:29:34,148 --> 00:29:37,318
that God picked those other niggas
instead. You know?
481
00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:42,239
I don't question Jehovah.
482
00:29:43,449 --> 00:29:46,243
The Lord knows what he's doing.
483
00:29:48,037 --> 00:29:53,709
Y'all gotta think about this. There's
a new celebrity dying every other day.
484
00:29:53,709 --> 00:29:56,378
Like, yo, these are my peers.
485
00:29:56,378 --> 00:29:58,672
And I'm like, "Wow!
486
00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:03,093
God is making some really solid choices."
487
00:30:10,768 --> 00:30:12,770
[laughs]
488
00:30:12,770 --> 00:30:14,563
I mean, real talk.
Like, let's think about this.
489
00:30:14,563 --> 00:30:17,274
Like, me...
490
00:30:19,985 --> 00:30:23,280
[crowd shouting]
491
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:26,659
...or Coolio. It was Coolio's time to go.
492
00:30:28,035 --> 00:30:31,080
Bye, Coolio. It was his time to go.
493
00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:35,209
That nigga looked dead when he was alive.
Come on, y'all.
494
00:30:36,085 --> 00:30:39,213
He only had two braids left.
It was his time.
495
00:30:42,591 --> 00:30:45,594
Honestly, I thought crack killed
that nigga in the '80s.
496
00:30:45,594 --> 00:30:47,471
Him and Flavor Flav.
497
00:30:48,931 --> 00:30:51,850
- Is Flavor Flav still alive?
- [crowd shouting]
498
00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,687
Well, that nigga looked dead
last time I seen him.
499
00:30:56,105 --> 00:30:57,773
[laughs]
500
00:30:57,773 --> 00:31:00,109
Flav one of them niggas
that you thought been dead.
501
00:31:01,026 --> 00:31:04,822
When he die, ain't gonna be no hash tag,
"Gone too soon."
502
00:31:07,992 --> 00:31:11,912
It'll be hashtag:
"Mm, about time, nigga. About time."
503
00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:15,541
[laughs]
504
00:31:15,541 --> 00:31:19,461
No, but you know, like, the whole theory,
like, "Why him?"
505
00:31:19,461 --> 00:31:23,674
I feel like sometimes I wish I could
replace one death with another death.
506
00:31:23,674 --> 00:31:25,718
You know what I mean? It was like...
507
00:31:25,718 --> 00:31:30,180
I started thinking, "Why him?"
when Kobe died.
508
00:31:30,973 --> 00:31:33,100
When Kobe died, it fucked me up.
509
00:31:33,100 --> 00:31:36,020
That really hurt, man.
I was like, "Come on, God."
510
00:31:36,020 --> 00:31:38,689
- [crowd shouting]
- Right?
511
00:31:38,689 --> 00:31:41,066
Like, don't take the greatest Laker.
512
00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:46,030
- Take Derek Fisher.
- [crowd groans]
513
00:31:46,030 --> 00:31:49,700
Oh, he's out here fucking
on people's wives. It's adultery.
514
00:31:49,700 --> 00:31:52,911
It's a goddamn sin,
don't you "aww" me, niggas.
515
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:54,121
Your wife may be next.
516
00:31:54,121 --> 00:31:56,957
She may have a thing for short niggas
with three-point shots.
517
00:31:58,292 --> 00:32:01,211
I can't believe y'all niggas
"aww'd" me on that shit.
518
00:32:01,211 --> 00:32:05,966
Oh, y'all sensitive out here in Harlem.
Oh, y'all got gentrified on me, nigga?
519
00:32:05,966 --> 00:32:07,635
[audience laughing]
520
00:32:09,928 --> 00:32:14,933
Ever since they put a Starbucks on 125th,
you niggas done changed.
521
00:32:20,314 --> 00:32:24,109
[laughs]
522
00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:26,904
Yeah, y'all really ain't gonna
like this next one. So I'm just gonna...
523
00:32:27,905 --> 00:32:30,991
I'ma sip my water while you niggas
complain and "ooh."
524
00:32:32,117 --> 00:32:33,619
Don't take Kobe.
525
00:32:34,703 --> 00:32:39,541
- Take Shaq.
- [crowd exclaims]
526
00:32:42,753 --> 00:32:45,673
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
527
00:32:46,298 --> 00:32:49,885
I know, I know. I love the big fella too.
528
00:32:51,053 --> 00:32:53,514
I love the big fella too.
But y'all in denial.
529
00:32:53,514 --> 00:32:56,225
That nigga ain't got long to live.
Come on.
530
00:32:56,225 --> 00:32:58,268
He ain't got long to live.
531
00:32:58,268 --> 00:33:01,605
That nigga has at least three or four
diseases killing Black men
532
00:33:01,605 --> 00:33:02,940
in their early 50s.
533
00:33:02,940 --> 00:33:05,818
Hypertension, diabetes,
534
00:33:05,818 --> 00:33:08,195
swollen prostate, the sugars.
535
00:33:11,365 --> 00:33:12,658
Yeah, that nigga had the sugars.
536
00:33:12,658 --> 00:33:13,992
I know what the fuck
the sugars look like.
537
00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:15,536
I got three uncles with the sugars.
538
00:33:20,165 --> 00:33:22,501
Y'all better give him his flowers.
Tweet that nigga after the show.
539
00:33:22,501 --> 00:33:23,919
Hit him on Threads.
540
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:26,880
I hug him real hard.
Every time I see Shaq,
541
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:29,633
I just grab him by his ankle,
"Come here, big fella."
542
00:33:31,719 --> 00:33:33,512
I don't care how big his heart is.
543
00:33:33,512 --> 00:33:36,598
It is not big enough to pump blood
through all that nigga.
544
00:33:37,433 --> 00:33:39,893
Dinosaurs don't live long, people.
545
00:33:40,853 --> 00:33:44,523
Look at his eyes. When Shaq wake up,
nigga all loose-eyed.
546
00:33:44,523 --> 00:33:48,485
All of a sudden, you wake up at 50
years old, nigga, and your eye is loose,
547
00:33:48,485 --> 00:33:50,821
you probably born with this shit, nigga.
548
00:33:50,821 --> 00:33:54,241
You wake up at 50 and your eye is loose,
you better call a physician.
549
00:33:55,826 --> 00:33:58,954
His tongue is heavy.
I haven't understood a word Shaq said
550
00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:01,081
in the last five years.
551
00:34:01,081 --> 00:34:02,750
He just be mumbling. Watch TNT.
552
00:34:02,750 --> 00:34:04,835
This nigga just be mumbling
with his raspy voice.
553
00:34:04,835 --> 00:34:07,421
Every now and then,
you get the clear name of a player
554
00:34:07,421 --> 00:34:09,465
or the clear name of a sponsor.
555
00:34:09,465 --> 00:34:12,134
But other than that, you don't know what
the fuck this nigga's talking about.
556
00:34:12,134 --> 00:34:15,304
He be on that show talking about...
[mumbles]
557
00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:20,517
[mumbles]
558
00:34:20,934 --> 00:34:23,353
[mumbles]
559
00:34:24,521 --> 00:34:27,691
Kobe. [mumbles]
560
00:34:30,486 --> 00:34:33,822
Icy Hot. [mumbles]
561
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:41,830
Charles. [mumbles]
562
00:34:42,289 --> 00:34:44,249
Nutragenics. [mumbles]
563
00:34:46,335 --> 00:34:48,712
Papa John's Pizza.
564
00:34:50,297 --> 00:34:51,799
Big dude...
565
00:34:52,716 --> 00:34:56,345
Nigga, closed caption be like, "I don't
know what he fuck this nigga said."
566
00:35:01,850 --> 00:35:05,813
I can't believe you niggas
"aww'd" me on Shaq. Oh, man!
567
00:35:06,438 --> 00:35:08,982
I had a darker joke.
But I'm not going to tell you.
568
00:35:08,982 --> 00:35:12,277
[cheering]
569
00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:15,781
All right, fuck it, nigga,
I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck!
570
00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:19,326
[cheering, applause]
571
00:35:19,326 --> 00:35:24,206
All right. So the whole "Why him?" theory,
572
00:35:24,206 --> 00:35:27,543
right, like with death, if you could
pick this person versus that person.
573
00:35:27,543 --> 00:35:29,711
This whole "Why him?" theory.
574
00:35:29,711 --> 00:35:31,964
It started for me when Kobe died.
575
00:35:31,964 --> 00:35:36,218
When Kobe died, like I said,
I was fucked up because I knew Kobe.
576
00:35:36,218 --> 00:35:38,345
You know what I mean? Kobe was a friend.
577
00:35:38,345 --> 00:35:43,433
When he died, I was like,
"Come on, God, don't take Kobe.
578
00:35:45,227 --> 00:35:47,855
Take Magic. He has AIDS."
579
00:35:47,855 --> 00:35:51,108
[cheering, groaning]
580
00:35:55,654 --> 00:35:57,614
He got AIDS!
581
00:35:57,614 --> 00:36:01,451
Why take healthy Kobe
when Magic got AIDS?
582
00:36:01,451 --> 00:36:04,329
You want a Laker?
Take the nigga with AIDS.
583
00:36:05,497 --> 00:36:08,667
I know. Listen, I cried in 1984.
584
00:36:08,667 --> 00:36:11,128
This nigga should have been dead by '85.
585
00:36:12,212 --> 00:36:17,009
2023, Magic Johnson
is still the fuck alive,
586
00:36:17,009 --> 00:36:20,846
and dare I say well, with AIDS,
and Kobe's dead?
587
00:36:20,846 --> 00:36:22,973
Come on, man!
588
00:36:22,973 --> 00:36:24,933
Put Magic's sick ass in a helicopter
589
00:36:24,933 --> 00:36:27,561
and crash that shit
into the side of a mountain.
590
00:36:30,981 --> 00:36:34,484
How long is Magic Johnson
gonna live with AIDS?
591
00:36:34,484 --> 00:36:37,571
Can we talk about it?
What the fuck kinda AIDS is this?
592
00:36:38,864 --> 00:36:42,534
This nigga had AIDS for 50 years.
593
00:36:43,201 --> 00:36:47,080
I know niggas with herpes that died in 12.
Why is this nigga still alive?
594
00:36:50,083 --> 00:36:52,336
Fifty years of AIDS!
595
00:36:52,336 --> 00:36:54,713
What the fuck kinda AIDS is this?
596
00:36:54,713 --> 00:36:59,927
Magic has had AIDS longer
than that nigga has not had AIDS.
597
00:37:00,886 --> 00:37:05,223
And this nigga just skipping through,
like, somebody tell Magic he got AIDS.
598
00:37:05,223 --> 00:37:08,894
He just skipping through life,
all happy and shit with AIDS.
599
00:37:08,894 --> 00:37:11,146
Nigga, if you don't sit your ass
in the house...
600
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:13,941
He's still happily married.
601
00:37:13,941 --> 00:37:17,611
Happily married to Cookie,
happily married with AIDS.
602
00:37:17,611 --> 00:37:20,530
Bitch, if you don't leave
this nigga already...
603
00:37:20,530 --> 00:37:24,534
He got AIDS.
It's irreconcilable differences, boo.
604
00:37:26,119 --> 00:37:28,622
She all in pictures cuddled up and shit.
605
00:37:29,498 --> 00:37:33,168
We know he's still fucking her raw.
She ain't got this shit.
606
00:37:33,168 --> 00:37:35,545
He got this gay-ass son.
That's double AIDS.
607
00:37:35,545 --> 00:37:37,339
He ain't got this shit.
608
00:37:38,298 --> 00:37:42,219
[crowd cheering, groaning]
609
00:37:46,723 --> 00:37:50,560
Oh, come on. Don't act like Magic's son
ain't a badass bitch.
610
00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:56,191
Nigga, that nigga's thicc with two "C's."
611
00:37:56,191 --> 00:37:59,361
Nigga, he caught me, I did a double take.
Nigga had some Daisy Dukes on.
612
00:37:59,361 --> 00:38:01,905
I said, "Oh... oh, that's a nigga! Fuck!
613
00:38:02,823 --> 00:38:04,574
Nigga!"
614
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,496
I'm sorry, what kind of AIDS you get
615
00:38:09,496 --> 00:38:12,499
where you get more rich
and more handsome?
616
00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:14,668
Magic Johnson has never
been more successful
617
00:38:14,668 --> 00:38:16,920
than he is right now with AIDS.
618
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:19,297
What the fuck?
He owns part of the Lakers,
619
00:38:19,297 --> 00:38:22,592
part of the Dodgers,
the man just bought a football team.
620
00:38:22,592 --> 00:38:26,471
He's in Forbes as a billionaire.
All this with AIDS.
621
00:38:26,471 --> 00:38:29,182
What kind of AIDS is this?
Financial aids?
622
00:38:29,182 --> 00:38:31,268
[audience laughing]
623
00:38:37,941 --> 00:38:39,484
I want those AIDS.
624
00:38:40,569 --> 00:38:43,405
I want those AIDS!
Sign me the fuck up!
625
00:38:43,405 --> 00:38:45,824
Yeah, I don't want them Freddie Mercurys
or them Eazy-Es.
626
00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:48,285
You keep them skinny nigga AIDS.
627
00:38:49,995 --> 00:38:52,456
But them Magic Johnson rich nigga AIDS?
628
00:38:52,456 --> 00:38:55,709
You show me the monkey he fucked.
I got next.
629
00:39:01,590 --> 00:39:05,719
You know, I know what I've been saying
is a little dark, right?
630
00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:09,222
My humor has gotten darker
because my life has gotten darker.
631
00:39:09,222 --> 00:39:11,475
Everything was all fun and games.
632
00:39:11,475 --> 00:39:16,021
And then I've been dodging depression
for the last three years.
633
00:39:16,605 --> 00:39:18,899
I lost my mama three years ago.
634
00:39:18,899 --> 00:39:21,151
And let me tell y'all something.
635
00:39:21,777 --> 00:39:25,030
Ain't no pain,
nothing like losing your mama.
636
00:39:25,697 --> 00:39:28,575
Like, I'm serious.
Like, I loved my daddy.
637
00:39:28,575 --> 00:39:30,952
But if I had to choose... mm!
638
00:39:33,872 --> 00:39:35,290
Bye, Howell!
639
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:39,419
Bye, nigga, happy Wednesday, Howell!
640
00:39:39,419 --> 00:39:42,172
Happy fucking Wednesday!
641
00:39:42,172 --> 00:39:44,466
Give my love to Coolio, huh?
642
00:39:47,803 --> 00:39:49,679
Nothing like losing your mama, man.
643
00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:51,973
I'm telling you right now,
life gets real when you lose your mama.
644
00:39:51,973 --> 00:39:55,936
And if anybody in here lost they mama,
my condolences.
645
00:39:55,936 --> 00:39:58,772
My condolences.
I don't care if it was last week,
646
00:39:58,772 --> 00:40:02,400
two weeks ago,
three months ago, last year,
647
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:07,447
five years ago, 25 years ago,
it doesn't matter.
648
00:40:07,447 --> 00:40:10,492
That is a pain that never goes away.
649
00:40:10,492 --> 00:40:15,038
So to all you people that lost your mama,
we are part of an elite group,
650
00:40:15,038 --> 00:40:18,458
we are a motherfucking gang.
The Dead Mama Gang. Gang, gang!
651
00:40:18,458 --> 00:40:22,838
Gang, gang! Gang, gang!
652
00:40:23,505 --> 00:40:24,714
You still got your mama?
653
00:40:24,714 --> 00:40:27,467
Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mama.
654
00:40:27,467 --> 00:40:30,720
Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mommy, nigga!
655
00:40:30,720 --> 00:40:34,766
Aww! Bitch-ass nigga got his mommy!
656
00:40:34,766 --> 00:40:37,435
You be having
Mother's Day brunches, nigga?
657
00:40:39,062 --> 00:40:43,150
Oh, you be breastfeeding still,
getting milk in your beard, nigga.
658
00:40:43,150 --> 00:40:44,860
[sucking]
659
00:40:46,611 --> 00:40:49,823
I ain't shit, I set that nigga up.
I'm sorry. [laughs]
660
00:40:49,823 --> 00:40:51,867
I'm just jealous.
661
00:40:51,867 --> 00:40:53,785
Do me a favor. You be good to her.
662
00:40:54,828 --> 00:40:57,706
You be good to her. As long
as you got her, you be good to her.
663
00:40:57,706 --> 00:41:00,584
[cheering, applause]
664
00:41:01,501 --> 00:41:06,089
Love my mama. If it wasn't for my mama,
I would have never had Christmas.
665
00:41:06,089 --> 00:41:07,549
Yeah. You know why?
666
00:41:07,549 --> 00:41:09,926
This nigga, Howell!
667
00:41:11,178 --> 00:41:13,305
The Grinch that stole a witness.
668
00:41:14,639 --> 00:41:18,435
This man didn't believe
in fucking birthdays or Christmas.
669
00:41:18,435 --> 00:41:22,230
What kind of evil cult
are you a part of, nigga?
670
00:41:23,315 --> 00:41:25,942
Every Christmas,
my father wouldn't participate.
671
00:41:25,942 --> 00:41:30,780
This nigga would lock the door
to his bedroom. [makes thumping sound]
672
00:41:30,780 --> 00:41:34,075
Lock my mom and all the kids
outside of his room.
673
00:41:34,659 --> 00:41:37,329
And my mama, she's the sweetest woman
you ever wanted to meet.
674
00:41:37,329 --> 00:41:41,917
Very articulate, well-spoken,
college educated.
675
00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:45,045
But, man, when she was mad,
the shit that she would say,
676
00:41:45,045 --> 00:41:47,797
the curse words that would come out
this woman's mouth.
677
00:41:47,797 --> 00:41:51,051
We used to call her Richard Pryor
with titties. The shit...
678
00:41:52,427 --> 00:41:54,846
She was funny.
It didn't even make no sense sometimes.
679
00:41:54,846 --> 00:41:57,015
"Open the door, you pussy bitch."
680
00:41:58,808 --> 00:42:02,187
"A pussy bitch? Shawn,
can you be both a pussy and a bitch?"
681
00:42:03,063 --> 00:42:07,108
"I guess so." "I know you hear me
in there, you nipple-dick nigga."
682
00:42:07,984 --> 00:42:09,736
"A nipple-dick nigga?
683
00:42:10,737 --> 00:42:16,326
How small is Father's dick that Mother
would compare it to a nipple?"
684
00:42:16,326 --> 00:42:19,663
"I know you hear me in there,
faggot balls."
685
00:42:20,664 --> 00:42:23,041
[laughs] "Faggot balls?"
686
00:42:23,708 --> 00:42:25,293
Every Christmas,
687
00:42:26,336 --> 00:42:28,672
my father would lock his door.
[imitates door closing]
688
00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:30,507
And my mother,
what I loved about my mother,
689
00:42:30,507 --> 00:42:32,092
let me tell you something about women.
690
00:42:32,092 --> 00:42:35,428
Men, we make the rules,
but when women break your rules,
691
00:42:35,428 --> 00:42:37,847
it's because they know
what they kids need.
692
00:42:37,847 --> 00:42:39,683
My mother knew her children.
693
00:42:39,683 --> 00:42:42,978
My father knew we needed God,
and we did.
694
00:42:42,978 --> 00:42:45,313
But my mama knew we needed love.
695
00:42:45,313 --> 00:42:49,192
So she thwarted the greatest authority
in my household, which was my father,
696
00:42:49,192 --> 00:42:53,196
and she fought for us like,
"Nah, nigga. We still gonna celebrate.
697
00:42:53,196 --> 00:42:54,906
Ya ho, ho, ho.
698
00:42:56,324 --> 00:42:59,995
Come on, kids." And my mama
go get that Charlie Brown Christmas tree.
699
00:43:01,204 --> 00:43:03,164
We were so poor,
we didn't have a stand for the tree.
700
00:43:03,164 --> 00:43:06,251
So she just leaned that shit
on the wall like a junkie.
701
00:43:07,460 --> 00:43:09,713
And I don't know where she got the money.
702
00:43:09,713 --> 00:43:12,757
Know what I mean? Like, I don't know
if she was slinging dope or slinging ass.
703
00:43:12,757 --> 00:43:14,759
[laughs]
704
00:43:14,759 --> 00:43:18,596
But it's magical the way that mothers
find the money to get their kids gifts.
705
00:43:18,596 --> 00:43:21,683
My mother always found money
to get us gifts.
706
00:43:21,683 --> 00:43:23,435
[applause]
707
00:43:24,644 --> 00:43:27,147
And she'd get one gift per kid.
708
00:43:27,147 --> 00:43:31,484
There'd be 218 gifts
underneath the Wayans' tree.
709
00:43:32,193 --> 00:43:34,988
Only Nick Cannon's tree
would have more gifts.
710
00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:38,908
And my dad would have his door locked,
and my mama,
711
00:43:38,908 --> 00:43:41,411
straight out of New York,
she was a fucking troll.
712
00:43:41,411 --> 00:43:43,538
She was a troll.
My mama had this theory.
713
00:43:43,538 --> 00:43:47,500
She said she always had the last laugh.
714
00:43:47,500 --> 00:43:50,670
My dad think he having
a nice quiet evening off.
715
00:43:50,670 --> 00:43:53,506
My mother go, "Come on, babies."
"Where we goin', Mama?"
716
00:43:53,506 --> 00:43:56,551
"Oh, we going Christmas caroling.
Come on."
717
00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:59,220
And she would line us up,
all ten of us,
718
00:43:59,220 --> 00:44:01,348
right outside that nigga's locked door.
719
00:44:02,932 --> 00:44:05,268
Like a gospel choir. [laughs]
720
00:44:05,268 --> 00:44:08,563
We went from the Wayans family
to the Winans Family.
721
00:44:08,563 --> 00:44:11,691
She pulled out a little harmony whistle.
[makes tone sound]
722
00:44:13,818 --> 00:44:17,113
Then she'd make us sing
real loud Christmas carols
723
00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:18,615
right to that nigga's door.
724
00:44:18,615 --> 00:44:21,409
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la ♪
725
00:44:21,409 --> 00:44:24,245
"Louder, niggas!"
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la ♪
726
00:44:25,205 --> 00:44:26,331
"Hit the high note, Shawn."
727
00:44:26,331 --> 00:44:29,209
[high-pitched singing]
728
00:44:29,918 --> 00:44:31,961
And the woman was funny.
729
00:44:32,921 --> 00:44:34,672
This woman was hilar...
730
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:37,175
She used to the rewrite
the Christmas carols.
731
00:44:37,175 --> 00:44:39,219
My mother used to rewrite
the Christmas carols,
732
00:44:39,219 --> 00:44:42,514
and the first half be dedicated
to Christmas joy. Oh, it'd be so sweet.
733
00:44:42,514 --> 00:44:44,516
And the other half be dedicated
to my father.
734
00:44:44,516 --> 00:44:46,184
It'd be like, "Fuck you, nigga."
735
00:44:47,435 --> 00:44:51,314
She be like...
♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪
736
00:44:51,314 --> 00:44:54,734
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
737
00:44:54,734 --> 00:44:58,488
"Nothing because he's a broke-ass cheap
Jehovah Witness-ass nigga
738
00:44:58,488 --> 00:45:01,241
with a little nipple dick
and faggoty balls.
739
00:45:04,953 --> 00:45:08,581
Here's another Jehovah Witness
Christmas carol. You ready, kids?
740
00:45:08,581 --> 00:45:13,837
♪ We ♪ [drawing out note]
741
00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:20,552
♪ Wish you a happy Wednesday ♪
742
00:45:20,552 --> 00:45:26,933
♪ We wish you a happy Wednesday ♪
743
00:45:26,933 --> 00:45:29,894
♪ 'Cause your daddy ain't shit ♪
744
00:45:35,108 --> 00:45:39,529
People ask,
what made your family so successful?
745
00:45:39,529 --> 00:45:43,783
My father, his presence in our life,
746
00:45:43,783 --> 00:45:48,079
his introduction to God,
his commitment to Jehovah.
747
00:45:48,830 --> 00:45:52,750
But the secret ingredient
was my mother's love.
748
00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:55,462
- [applause]
- Those fucking Christmases, man.
749
00:45:55,462 --> 00:45:57,130
They made us feel special.
750
00:45:57,130 --> 00:46:00,300
When we opened those gifts,
those wasn't gifts we was opening.
751
00:46:01,009 --> 00:46:03,052
Those were little boxes of hope.
752
00:46:04,095 --> 00:46:07,765
[applause]
753
00:46:11,478 --> 00:46:13,146
And we opened those gifts.
754
00:46:13,146 --> 00:46:16,024
And I knew it was my mother
that gave us those gifts.
755
00:46:16,024 --> 00:46:17,484
I knew it.
756
00:46:17,484 --> 00:46:19,819
'Cause women, y'all funny. [laughs]
757
00:46:19,819 --> 00:46:23,531
Y'all don't let Santa Claus
take the credit for your gifts. [laughs]
758
00:46:24,240 --> 00:46:28,119
Y'all will cross that nigga name off
every fucking name tag.
759
00:46:28,119 --> 00:46:31,164
"From Santa, my Black ass, shit.
760
00:46:31,164 --> 00:46:33,791
Not after I worked two shifts at Walmart.
761
00:46:34,542 --> 00:46:36,961
Love Mama."
762
00:46:37,837 --> 00:46:40,423
And my mother was smart to do that.
Because you know what?
763
00:46:40,423 --> 00:46:45,178
One day when we made money,
every Christmas we hooked my mama up.
764
00:46:45,178 --> 00:46:48,806
We bought my mom a house,
we bought my mom a car,
765
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:52,310
we bought my mother clothes,
we bought my mother furs,
766
00:46:52,310 --> 00:46:55,188
we bought my mother fucking jewelry,
767
00:46:55,188 --> 00:46:57,482
we bought my mother furniture.
768
00:46:57,482 --> 00:47:02,278
Yes, furniture,
with all the plastic slip covers
769
00:47:02,278 --> 00:47:08,326
a Black woman from Harlem
could ever dream up.
770
00:47:10,203 --> 00:47:14,249
And my daddy,
we didn't get that nigga shit!
771
00:47:16,501 --> 00:47:18,836
Nah, 'cause Christmas time,
we make some money,
772
00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:20,171
all of a sudden at Christmas time...
773
00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:22,340
[makes screeching sound]
774
00:47:22,340 --> 00:47:24,676
This nigga's door is wide open.
775
00:47:26,678 --> 00:47:28,805
And he's sitting there
with them begging-ass eyes,
776
00:47:28,805 --> 00:47:30,348
you know, them poverty eyes.
777
00:47:31,349 --> 00:47:33,810
Them "feel sorry for me nigga" eyes.
778
00:47:36,020 --> 00:47:38,815
We looked that nigga right
in his face, go, "Hey.
779
00:47:38,815 --> 00:47:40,692
Happy Wednesday, nigga."
780
00:47:43,903 --> 00:47:46,573
My parents was different.
They lived different.
781
00:47:46,573 --> 00:47:47,824
They died different.
782
00:47:47,824 --> 00:47:49,742
My father wanted to die.
783
00:47:51,035 --> 00:47:54,289
He wanted to die. He gave up on life.
784
00:47:54,289 --> 00:47:56,082
And here's what happened.
785
00:47:56,082 --> 00:47:58,585
My mother preceded my father in death.
786
00:48:00,044 --> 00:48:01,713
My dad came to the funeral.
787
00:48:02,922 --> 00:48:07,552
He seen the woman he loved
since he was 13 years old.
788
00:48:08,469 --> 00:48:13,850
The woman he fell in love with
right here in Harlem in a casket.
789
00:48:14,809 --> 00:48:16,603
And my father saw my mother.
790
00:48:16,603 --> 00:48:18,104
He turned white.
791
00:48:18,771 --> 00:48:22,191
And this nigga just threw up.
[gagging]
792
00:48:22,191 --> 00:48:27,572
Like, not once, several times. [gagging]
793
00:48:29,699 --> 00:48:32,827
At a point,
it got real funny to us Wayans.
794
00:48:32,827 --> 00:48:35,455
[laughing]
795
00:48:35,455 --> 00:48:38,374
My brother Damon was like,
"Look at his back. Look at his back.
796
00:48:43,755 --> 00:48:48,301
He looks like a ghetto question mark."
[gags, laughs]
797
00:48:51,304 --> 00:48:54,724
And after that, we begged my father
to stay in LA and let us take care of him.
798
00:48:54,724 --> 00:48:58,102
My father was like,
"No, I've gotta go. I gotta go."
799
00:48:58,102 --> 00:48:59,729
He came back to New York.
800
00:48:59,729 --> 00:49:05,026
My father locked himself in the house,
and he sat there in a chair.
801
00:49:05,026 --> 00:49:06,986
He stopped going out.
802
00:49:06,986 --> 00:49:09,447
My father stopped doing his ministry.
803
00:49:09,447 --> 00:49:12,367
Let me tell y'all something
about Jehovah Witnesses.
804
00:49:12,367 --> 00:49:16,287
They live to get those doors
slammed in their face.
805
00:49:17,872 --> 00:49:19,916
It makes them powerful.
806
00:49:19,916 --> 00:49:21,876
[laughs] "Another one!"
807
00:49:23,628 --> 00:49:27,674
He stopped doing his ministry.
He sat in his chair watching NY1,
808
00:49:27,674 --> 00:49:31,803
the 24-minute loop,
he just watched that shit over and over.
809
00:49:31,803 --> 00:49:35,014
He had two bottles of vodka,
a bottle of wine he would drink.
810
00:49:35,014 --> 00:49:38,059
And he sat there
until his body deconditioned.
811
00:49:38,059 --> 00:49:41,145
And my dad would sit in his chair
and he'd just go,
812
00:49:41,145 --> 00:49:45,441
-"I miss my gal."
- [audience] Aww...
813
00:49:46,609 --> 00:49:48,986
"I miss my gal.
814
00:49:50,071 --> 00:49:51,739
I miss her odor." [mutters]
815
00:49:51,739 --> 00:49:55,451
"Odor? [laughs]
816
00:49:55,451 --> 00:49:57,245
Fuck you mean, her odor, nigga?
817
00:49:57,245 --> 00:50:00,289
You mean the smell of old wigs
and fish sticks?"
818
00:50:01,666 --> 00:50:06,879
But what my father meant was...
her odor, he meant her pheromones.
819
00:50:06,879 --> 00:50:10,800
When you love somebody, they could
be stink as fuck to everybody in here.
820
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:12,677
"What the fuck is that smell?"
821
00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:16,556
But to that one person that love you,
she's like,
822
00:50:16,556 --> 00:50:18,474
"That's my little stinky boo."
823
00:50:22,729 --> 00:50:24,439
He missed his person.
824
00:50:24,439 --> 00:50:28,651
My father sat in his chair
and he drank himself to death. Literally.
825
00:50:28,651 --> 00:50:34,490
We watched him suffer for three years
until finally he passed.
826
00:50:35,324 --> 00:50:37,994
And when he passed,
we buried him right next to my mama
827
00:50:37,994 --> 00:50:41,122
so she could curse that nigga out
for the rest of eternity.
828
00:50:42,874 --> 00:50:45,293
And we was at the funeral,
and all of us Wayans was thinking like,
829
00:50:45,293 --> 00:50:50,673
"Damn." After watching my father suffer
like that, we was like, "Fuck.
830
00:50:50,673 --> 00:50:52,675
[sighs]
831
00:50:52,675 --> 00:50:56,637
My mama must have had
some spectacular pussy because...
832
00:50:56,637 --> 00:51:00,975
[laughs] this nigga chased
that pussy to the grave."
833
00:51:02,143 --> 00:51:04,687
I saw it, it was tight.
I see what he doing. Know what I mean?
834
00:51:04,687 --> 00:51:06,564
[laughs]
835
00:51:10,902 --> 00:51:15,031
My mother was different.
My mother loved life.
836
00:51:15,031 --> 00:51:17,867
Nobody loved life as much
as Elvira Wayans loved life.
837
00:51:17,867 --> 00:51:20,453
This woman,
she would talk your fucking ear off.
838
00:51:20,453 --> 00:51:22,205
This woman loved life.
839
00:51:22,205 --> 00:51:24,499
She fought death. Literally.
840
00:51:24,499 --> 00:51:27,001
What did my mother die of?
She died of "err-thang."
841
00:51:27,001 --> 00:51:29,754
It took "err-thang" to kill this woman.
842
00:51:29,754 --> 00:51:33,132
She wasn't going down. I remember,
I was at my mother's deathbed,
843
00:51:33,132 --> 00:51:35,885
and I watched this woman fight death.
844
00:51:35,885 --> 00:51:38,429
She was fighting death. "Mm-mm, death.
845
00:51:38,429 --> 00:51:40,348
Mm-mm. Fuck off me.
846
00:51:41,307 --> 00:51:42,850
Mm-mm.
847
00:51:43,935 --> 00:51:45,853
Leave me alone.
848
00:51:45,853 --> 00:51:48,022
Go get faggot balls first."
849
00:51:48,022 --> 00:51:50,107
[audience laughing]
850
00:51:51,192 --> 00:51:54,612
And I remember
because I remember the exact day.
851
00:51:54,612 --> 00:51:57,031
And I remember the exact time.
852
00:51:57,031 --> 00:51:58,866
I went to the hospital.
853
00:51:58,866 --> 00:52:01,244
It was Saturday,
854
00:52:02,370 --> 00:52:03,955
June 19th...
855
00:52:05,665 --> 00:52:06,916
of 2020.
856
00:52:07,500 --> 00:52:09,961
And it was 11:56 p.m.
857
00:52:09,961 --> 00:52:11,712
And I seen my mother fighting death.
858
00:52:11,712 --> 00:52:13,506
I thought my mother was fighting death
859
00:52:13,506 --> 00:52:16,467
because she just want to see her baby
one last time.
860
00:52:16,467 --> 00:52:19,846
Later on I found out that wasn't it.
This woman was a fucking troll
861
00:52:19,846 --> 00:52:21,889
all the way down to the end.
862
00:52:21,889 --> 00:52:24,058
But I'll tell you, I'll tell you later.
863
00:52:24,058 --> 00:52:25,935
My mother's fighting death.
864
00:52:25,935 --> 00:52:29,188
And if you ever see somebody
like your mama in that kind of pain,
865
00:52:29,188 --> 00:52:33,025
it is selfish of you
to try to keep them here.
866
00:52:33,025 --> 00:52:35,862
This body we are all in,
well, one day it expires.
867
00:52:35,862 --> 00:52:39,448
And when God calls you home,
let that soul go.
868
00:52:39,448 --> 00:52:44,161
Because the reality is
for you to stay in that body is painful,
869
00:52:44,161 --> 00:52:47,623
and you, as the loved one,
you have to learn to let go,
870
00:52:48,708 --> 00:52:52,670
make them feel comfortable
and okay to leave.
871
00:52:52,670 --> 00:52:54,422
- [applause]
- So I came the hospital,
872
00:52:54,422 --> 00:52:58,092
my mama fighting death. "Mm-mm."
I said, "Mama, stop it. Stop fighting."
873
00:52:58,092 --> 00:53:00,136
And I smacked her on her ass.
874
00:53:00,928 --> 00:53:03,556
I did. And she had one of
them hospital gowns, you know,
875
00:53:03,556 --> 00:53:05,600
hospital gowns with the ass crack out.
876
00:53:06,851 --> 00:53:10,771
How you like them VIP seats, nigga?
[laughs]
877
00:53:14,066 --> 00:53:15,860
And my mother was fighting.
I said, "Mama." Pssht!
878
00:53:15,860 --> 00:53:20,281
I said, "Girl, you did it.
You did the damn thing.
879
00:53:20,281 --> 00:53:22,825
83 years, Mama.
880
00:53:22,825 --> 00:53:27,038
- 83 years.
- [applause]
881
00:53:27,038 --> 00:53:30,625
Woman, you had diabetes since you was 33.
882
00:53:31,626 --> 00:53:34,086
Mama, that is 50 years of diabetes."
883
00:53:34,086 --> 00:53:37,173
I said, "Woman,
you are the Magic Johnson...
884
00:53:37,173 --> 00:53:39,383
[audience laughing]
885
00:53:39,383 --> 00:53:42,845
...of diabetes." [laughs]
886
00:53:44,889 --> 00:53:47,516
I said, "Mama, let's...
let's run the numbers.
887
00:53:47,516 --> 00:53:50,686
You a GOAT, Mama, you a legend."
I said, "You had ten kids.
888
00:53:50,686 --> 00:53:54,106
You got 10,833 grandchildren.
889
00:53:55,316 --> 00:53:57,985
You made five millionaires.
890
00:53:59,070 --> 00:54:03,449
- You made five millionaires."
- [cheering, applause]
891
00:54:04,575 --> 00:54:07,119
Six, if I could just get my shit together.
892
00:54:08,829 --> 00:54:10,414
[laughs]
893
00:54:10,414 --> 00:54:13,417
I said, "You made five comedic legends.
894
00:54:13,417 --> 00:54:16,087
You made five legends.
895
00:54:18,881 --> 00:54:20,549
Six, if I could just...
896
00:54:22,051 --> 00:54:25,763
I don't get canceled for this
Magic Johnson AIDS joke I keep saying."
897
00:54:25,763 --> 00:54:27,765
[laughs]
898
00:54:27,765 --> 00:54:32,395
I said, "Mama, you did all this
and you only made one crackhead."
899
00:54:32,395 --> 00:54:35,356
I said, "Woman,
your crackhead to millionaire ratio
900
00:54:35,356 --> 00:54:38,526
was unparalleled for a Black woman
in America."
901
00:54:40,069 --> 00:54:43,572
I said, "Mama, you are a GOAT.
You are the GOAT of all mothers.
902
00:54:43,572 --> 00:54:45,741
You are the GOAT of all vagina."
903
00:54:45,741 --> 00:54:47,034
Then I got carried away.
904
00:54:47,034 --> 00:54:50,955
I said, "Mama, ain't no pussy
fucking with your pussy, Mama!"
905
00:54:53,749 --> 00:54:56,085
[laughs]
906
00:54:56,085 --> 00:54:58,587
And y'all like, "Did y'all really say
that shit to your...
907
00:54:58,587 --> 00:55:03,009
Did you say that to your mama?
At her deathbed?"
908
00:55:03,843 --> 00:55:05,636
You damn fucking right I did.
909
00:55:07,763 --> 00:55:09,181
Let me tell you why.
910
00:55:10,641 --> 00:55:13,477
I'm gonna gift y'all something
that my mama gifted me with.
911
00:55:14,478 --> 00:55:17,815
My mama told me as a little boy,
she said, "Baby boy,
912
00:55:18,691 --> 00:55:22,153
you learn to laugh in your worst moments,
913
00:55:23,029 --> 00:55:26,490
and you gonna smile
the rest of your days."
914
00:55:29,452 --> 00:55:31,954
Losing my mother was my worst moment.
915
00:55:36,709 --> 00:55:41,172
[audience shouting encouragement,
applause]
916
00:55:47,219 --> 00:55:50,848
[cheering, applause]
917
00:55:58,731 --> 00:56:02,026
- [audience shouting]
- I love you all too.
918
00:56:03,819 --> 00:56:06,864
Losing my mama was my worst moment.
919
00:56:06,864 --> 00:56:10,034
And in my moment, I honored my mother
920
00:56:10,034 --> 00:56:11,827
for what she taught me.
921
00:56:14,705 --> 00:56:16,832
Because I wanted her to know that...
922
00:56:19,919 --> 00:56:24,090
[audience shouting encouragement,
applause]
923
00:56:28,260 --> 00:56:32,473
I let her know I was broken,
but I was going to be okay.
924
00:56:32,473 --> 00:56:35,559
I let her know that I will smile again.
925
00:56:35,559 --> 00:56:37,603
And it's okay for you to go.
926
00:56:38,521 --> 00:56:41,440
That's why I cracked that joke
because she laughed,
927
00:56:41,440 --> 00:56:44,568
and I talked to her in Wayans language
and she knew what the fuck I meant.
928
00:56:49,490 --> 00:56:51,826
And so she stopped fighting,
929
00:56:51,826 --> 00:56:55,830
and she allowed herself to go
and she started to transition.
930
00:56:56,664 --> 00:56:59,917
And as she transitioned,
I seen the doctor
931
00:56:59,917 --> 00:57:01,836
started turning up that morphine, right?
932
00:57:01,836 --> 00:57:04,547
And she started scratching and shit.
933
00:57:13,055 --> 00:57:16,517
I said, "Is it good, Mama?"
She said, "Yeah, Daddy, it's...
934
00:57:16,517 --> 00:57:19,603
It's is gooder than a motherfucker, baby.
935
00:57:20,729 --> 00:57:26,277
Tell the doctor, turn that shit up.
Give me some more, please, man.
936
00:57:26,277 --> 00:57:29,989
I got these cheeseburgers!"
937
00:57:31,157 --> 00:57:34,952
[laughter, applause]
938
00:57:36,162 --> 00:57:37,872
Call your mama every day.
939
00:57:38,789 --> 00:57:41,292
Call your mama every day.
940
00:57:41,292 --> 00:57:45,087
Every fucking day you can.
If she's here, you call her.
941
00:57:45,963 --> 00:57:47,923
You ain't got to call your daddy
every day.
942
00:57:49,091 --> 00:57:52,761
No, call that nigga once a month.
He good. [laughs]
943
00:57:52,761 --> 00:57:55,389
You call your daddy more
than once a month, he gonna be like,
944
00:57:55,389 --> 00:57:57,391
"Yeah, I'm fine, nigga. Call your mama."
945
00:57:59,310 --> 00:58:02,188
I learned, you ain't gotta
talk the whole fucking time.
946
00:58:02,188 --> 00:58:03,814
You ain't gotta talk the whole time.
947
00:58:03,814 --> 00:58:06,066
Just put the phone down.
948
00:58:06,066 --> 00:58:09,195
Every seven minutes, just come back
to the phone and say this shit.
949
00:58:09,195 --> 00:58:11,280
Be like, "Uh-huh.
950
00:58:14,700 --> 00:58:17,119
Yeah, I know that bitch ain't shit, Mama."
951
00:58:19,872 --> 00:58:22,082
Call your mama.
952
00:58:22,082 --> 00:58:24,043
Let me tell you something,
call her every day.
953
00:58:24,043 --> 00:58:28,923
Because if you don't,
the scariest moment of your life
954
00:58:28,923 --> 00:58:31,634
is going to be the day you go
to call your mama...
955
00:58:32,968 --> 00:58:34,762
and she ain't on the other line.
956
00:58:35,763 --> 00:58:38,307
So call your mama.
957
00:58:38,307 --> 00:58:41,685
Because when she's gone, at least
you'll have that voice in your head.
958
00:58:41,685 --> 00:58:45,773
I called my mama so much,
I hear her more now in her death
959
00:58:45,773 --> 00:58:47,691
than I ever heard her when she was alive.
960
00:58:47,691 --> 00:58:50,444
This bitch won't leave me the fuck alone!
961
00:58:52,029 --> 00:58:55,032
My mama's everywhere. She's right there.
She don't like sitting next to people.
962
00:58:55,032 --> 00:58:57,409
"Uh-uh, save me two seats."
963
00:58:58,035 --> 00:59:01,247
My mama's omnipresent.
I hear her everywhere.
964
00:59:01,247 --> 00:59:03,165
I'll be in the worst situations, y'all.
965
00:59:03,165 --> 00:59:05,542
And I hear my mama like, "Mm-mm, son.
966
00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:07,544
Don't put your dick in there."
967
00:59:23,018 --> 00:59:26,313
Why? Why do I hear my mama so much?
Because I called her.
968
00:59:26,313 --> 00:59:27,564
Call your mama.
969
00:59:27,564 --> 00:59:30,067
My mother, I called my mama so much...
She loved two things.
970
00:59:30,067 --> 00:59:33,696
My mother loved her kids
and she loved the telephone.
971
00:59:33,696 --> 00:59:35,781
I don't know which one she loved more.
972
00:59:35,781 --> 00:59:37,324
My mother didn't have an iPhone.
973
00:59:37,324 --> 00:59:39,785
She was like, "I don't play
with that fucking radiation."
974
00:59:39,785 --> 00:59:43,914
So my mother had a rotary phone
with a long-ass wire,
975
00:59:43,914 --> 00:59:48,544
wire longer than my daddy's balls,
just miles long.
976
00:59:48,544 --> 00:59:51,588
And my mother's finger
was stuck like this.
977
00:59:51,588 --> 00:59:54,258
Literally stuck like this
because she had carpal tunnel.
978
00:59:54,258 --> 00:59:56,760
Because all she'd do
is sit by the phone and call each kid.
979
00:59:56,760 --> 01:00:01,056
[dialing sound]
980
01:00:01,056 --> 01:00:05,894
Call each nigga back to back to back
to back to back to back to back to back.
981
01:00:05,894 --> 01:00:07,438
And then she tell you
the last conversation
982
01:00:07,438 --> 01:00:09,440
she had with the last nigga before you.
983
01:00:10,524 --> 01:00:12,151
It was like a terrible game of Telephone.
984
01:00:12,151 --> 01:00:14,528
And then you go to hang up the phone.
She's one of these people,
985
01:00:14,528 --> 01:00:18,741
you go to say goodbye, nigga ignore you,
start a brand new conversation.
986
01:00:20,200 --> 01:00:22,494
I called my mama. [imitates ring]
"Hey, Mama."
987
01:00:22,494 --> 01:00:25,247
"Hey, baby boy. How are you?"
"I'm good."
988
01:00:25,247 --> 01:00:28,709
"Where you at now, sky king? You always
flying around making people laugh.
989
01:00:28,709 --> 01:00:31,962
Where you at now, son?"
"Oh, I'm in New York City."
990
01:00:31,962 --> 01:00:35,758
"Oh, yeah, make sure you wear a jacket.
It can get cold as fuck at night there.
991
01:00:35,758 --> 01:00:39,094
Yeah, it gets so cold,
even the white people be ashy.
992
01:00:40,054 --> 01:00:42,264
So, son, when you coming home?"
993
01:00:42,264 --> 01:00:46,685
"I'm coming home on Monday because I have
a date with the most beautiful woman."
994
01:00:46,685 --> 01:00:49,271
"Oh. Well, who's the lucky gal?"
995
01:00:49,271 --> 01:00:53,484
I said, "You are." "Oh, boy.
996
01:00:53,484 --> 01:00:55,027
If your father would
have talked like that,
997
01:00:55,027 --> 01:00:57,780
I would have fucked that nigga
more than ten times.
998
01:01:01,408 --> 01:01:03,994
So where are we gonna go, son? Huh?
999
01:01:03,994 --> 01:01:07,081
I want some of that wag-u-yu.
Can we get some steak?" [laughs]
1000
01:01:07,081 --> 01:01:09,249
"It's called wagyu, Ma."
1001
01:01:09,249 --> 01:01:10,918
"I don't know how
the fuck you pronounce it,
1002
01:01:10,918 --> 01:01:14,338
but I know that shit
is 270-something dollars a steak.
1003
01:01:15,089 --> 01:01:17,633
Now, you sure you don't want
to call Keenan and Damon
1004
01:01:17,633 --> 01:01:19,468
to help you with this bill?
1005
01:01:19,468 --> 01:01:21,512
[audience laughing]
1006
01:01:21,512 --> 01:01:25,474
You know your Discovery card
be acting up some times, son."
1007
01:01:26,183 --> 01:01:30,354
"No, Mama, I'll handle it." "All right.
Well, can I have some dessert?"
1008
01:01:30,354 --> 01:01:33,649
"Yes, but only a little bit."
"Why, because of my diabetes?"
1009
01:01:33,649 --> 01:01:36,443
"No, Mama.
Because you're already so sweet."
1010
01:01:36,443 --> 01:01:38,862
-"Oh..."
- [audience] Aww...
1011
01:01:38,862 --> 01:01:42,866
"Boy, you must get you a lot of pussy.
1012
01:01:44,701 --> 01:01:49,039
This nigga got lines like a pimp.
You go on, mac daddy.
1013
01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:51,708
All right, baby boy.
Well, I'm looking forward to seeing you."
1014
01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:52,876
"All right, Mama. I love you."
1015
01:01:52,876 --> 01:01:56,296
"And I love, love, love,
love, love, love you too."
1016
01:01:56,296 --> 01:01:59,675
"All right, Mama. Bye."
"All right. Bye now.
1017
01:02:00,634 --> 01:02:04,346
Yeah. So I talked to Keenan." "Bitch!"
1018
01:02:10,644 --> 01:02:15,274
People ask, who's the funniest one
in the Wayans family?
1019
01:02:15,274 --> 01:02:19,361
[audience shouting]
1020
01:02:19,361 --> 01:02:20,946
I digress.
1021
01:02:21,780 --> 01:02:25,534
The funniest person
in the Wayans family is my mama.
1022
01:02:25,534 --> 01:02:27,411
My mama.
1023
01:02:27,411 --> 01:02:33,041
Elvira Alethia Green Wayans Sr.
1024
01:02:33,041 --> 01:02:35,169
is the funniest woman I ever met.
1025
01:02:35,169 --> 01:02:40,424
So funny that, yes, there is a junior
that exists with that slave name.
1026
01:02:42,050 --> 01:02:45,345
My mother was brilliant.
My mother never did standup comedy,
1027
01:02:45,345 --> 01:02:48,891
but she was naturally a gifted comedian.
1028
01:02:48,891 --> 01:02:52,102
Her life was one great standup comedy set.
1029
01:02:52,102 --> 01:02:54,396
Her life. Here's why.
1030
01:02:54,396 --> 01:02:56,523
A great comedian can come on a stage,
1031
01:02:56,523 --> 01:02:58,317
and they can make you laugh
1032
01:02:59,318 --> 01:03:01,320
with the shit that hurts them the most.
1033
01:03:02,112 --> 01:03:03,864
They're taking their pain.
1034
01:03:03,864 --> 01:03:08,368
These people are dying inside,
and they're making you laugh.
1035
01:03:08,368 --> 01:03:11,288
And that laughter is healing for us.
1036
01:03:11,288 --> 01:03:13,957
And that's called having the last laugh.
1037
01:03:13,957 --> 01:03:16,710
[applause]
1038
01:03:16,710 --> 01:03:19,087
My mother did that with her life.
1039
01:03:19,087 --> 01:03:22,925
The thing that hurt my mama most
was my father's religion.
1040
01:03:22,925 --> 01:03:27,846
Not because he was a man of God,
but because she was God fearing too.
1041
01:03:27,846 --> 01:03:30,474
But my mother was a romantic.
1042
01:03:30,474 --> 01:03:32,809
My mother loved holidays. Why?
1043
01:03:32,809 --> 01:03:35,771
Because she loved
to celebrate those that she loved.
1044
01:03:35,771 --> 01:03:38,941
And damn it,
she just wanted to be celebrated.
1045
01:03:38,941 --> 01:03:42,069
But my father's religion
prevented her from doing that.
1046
01:03:42,861 --> 01:03:44,988
She was heartbroken.
Every fucking holiday,
1047
01:03:44,988 --> 01:03:46,740
she would cry herself to sleep.
1048
01:03:47,699 --> 01:03:50,953
Now, my father, being a man of God,
1049
01:03:50,953 --> 01:03:53,789
being Jehovah's Witness,
he would not celebrate any holiday.
1050
01:03:53,789 --> 01:03:55,374
So one day, it was Father's Day.
1051
01:03:55,374 --> 01:03:57,459
My brother Keenan
came home from California.
1052
01:03:57,459 --> 01:03:58,794
He had made some money.
1053
01:03:58,794 --> 01:04:01,296
He said, "We're going to celebrate Pop
this Father's Day."
1054
01:04:01,296 --> 01:04:03,257
We was like,
"This nigga don't celebrate Father's Day."
1055
01:04:03,257 --> 01:04:04,800
He's like, "We're not gonna
call it Father's Day.
1056
01:04:04,800 --> 01:04:06,927
We're going to call it Happy Wednesday.
1057
01:04:08,220 --> 01:04:10,097
We're gonna buy him some gifts,
gonna write him some cards."
1058
01:04:10,097 --> 01:04:12,099
So we bought him some gifts,
we wrote him some cards.
1059
01:04:12,099 --> 01:04:14,643
My father opened the gifts.
He opens the cards.
1060
01:04:14,643 --> 01:04:16,812
And my dad started crying
1061
01:04:16,812 --> 01:04:20,732
because he couldn't believe the sentiments
that he heard from his children.
1062
01:04:20,732 --> 01:04:23,610
This nigga went his whole life
with never hearing,
1063
01:04:23,610 --> 01:04:26,947
"I love you, Dad. Thank you, Dad.
What a wonderful father you are."
1064
01:04:26,947 --> 01:04:29,908
So he read these things and he cried.
1065
01:04:30,701 --> 01:04:36,957
And from that day on, my father made it
a tradition to celebrate Father's Day.
1066
01:04:36,957 --> 01:04:39,042
[audience laughing]
1067
01:04:43,589 --> 01:04:44,756
Now...
1068
01:04:46,258 --> 01:04:49,970
this pissed my mama off even more!
1069
01:04:51,013 --> 01:04:53,599
My mother said, "Nigga, Father's Day?
1070
01:04:54,391 --> 01:04:57,477
Not my birthday?
You nipple-dick nigga!
1071
01:04:57,477 --> 01:05:00,731
Not my anniversary? Faggot balls!
1072
01:05:00,731 --> 01:05:04,067
You gonna celebrate Father's Day?"
1073
01:05:04,067 --> 01:05:09,281
Now, knowing my mother,
the brilliant comedian that she is,
1074
01:05:09,281 --> 01:05:12,075
what day do you think my mama died?
1075
01:05:12,075 --> 01:05:15,162
- [audience] Father's Day.
- Father's Day!
1076
01:05:15,162 --> 01:05:21,460
That's why she was trying to stay alive
at 11:56 p.m. on Saturday, June 19th.
1077
01:05:21,460 --> 01:05:22,961
"Mm-mm, mm-mm!"
1078
01:05:22,961 --> 01:05:25,589
Four minutes later
it was going to be Father's Day.
1079
01:05:25,589 --> 01:05:30,427
She wanted to take that nigga's
only fucking holiday from him!
1080
01:05:30,427 --> 01:05:34,765
She said, "Happy Wednesday, motherfucker!"
1081
01:05:34,765 --> 01:05:39,102
- [cheering, applause]
- Thank you.
1082
01:05:42,272 --> 01:05:44,483
Thank you, New York. Thank you, Harlem.
1083
01:05:44,483 --> 01:05:47,736
[cheering]
1084
01:05:55,869 --> 01:05:58,664
- [voicemail beeps]
- [Marlon's mom] Good morning, baby boy.
1085
01:05:58,664 --> 01:06:02,167
Just calling to find out whose ass
are you kicking today.
1086
01:06:02,167 --> 01:06:04,503
[laughs] Thought that was a good one.
1087
01:06:04,503 --> 01:06:06,797
I love you.
Call me when you get a chance.
1088
01:06:08,006 --> 01:06:10,676
♪ This is my darling ♪
1089
01:06:10,676 --> 01:06:13,220
♪ Oh my honey ♪
1090
01:06:13,220 --> 01:06:18,266
♪ He's my darling and my honey pie ♪
1091
01:06:18,266 --> 01:06:20,852
♪ He's my darling ♪
1092
01:06:20,852 --> 01:06:23,313
♪ Honey, baby ♪
1093
01:06:23,313 --> 01:06:28,235
♪ I could love him 'til I die ♪
1094
01:06:28,235 --> 01:06:30,195
[smacks kiss]
1095
01:06:30,195 --> 01:06:33,740
[soft music plays]