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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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My name is Amy,
and it's my show!

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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(rap music playing)

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♪ Man ♪

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♪ Uh ♪

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♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪

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♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪

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♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪

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♪ I beez in the trap ♪

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♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

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♪ I beez in the trap ♪

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♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

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♪ Man, I been did that ♪

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♪ Man, I been popped off ♪

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♪ And if she ain't trying
to give it ♪

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♪ Then she get dropped off ♪

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♪ Let me bust that U-ie ♪

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♪ Bitch bust that open ♪

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♪ Might spend a couple thou' ♪

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♪ Just to bust that open ♪

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(cheers, applause)

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MC:
You know her
from her hit TV show.

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You loved her
in the movie "Trainwreck."

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Harlem, it's time
to give it up

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for the one and only
Amy Schumer!

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♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪

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♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪

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♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪

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♪ I beez in the trap ♪

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♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

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♪ I beez in the trap ♪

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♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

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Get up!
Get the fuck up, Apollo!

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Come on!

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(cheering, whistling)

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Thank you!

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Please, sit, I--
I would never ask

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you to stand.
I can't believe

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you all stood...

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of your own volition,
thank you.

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That's never happened.

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(cheering, whistling)

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Thank you so much
for being here.

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This has been
an insane year for me.

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I started out-- I made
two New Year's resolutions.

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I, uh...
Number one,

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I wanted to catfish someone.

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Did it, loved it,
recommend it.

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(laughter)

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And number two
was to this year

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just once take off
a pair of underwear

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and have it not look
like I blew my nose in it.
Now...

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Same? Same?

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No? You're
kind of like, "No, no."

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So you find a pair
of underwear on the floor

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and you're like,
"How do I know
if I wore it?"

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Please, you know. You know.

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(laughter)

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She knows.

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I'm like,
"Oh, cool they filmed

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"Charlotte's Web
in my underwear, wow.

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'Salutations'? Okay."

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I don't know why the guys
look grossed out.

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Your underwear looks like
a coal miner wiped
their brow...

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(laughs) at the end
of a shift, a long shift.

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So my name is Amy,
and I'm at the Apollo. Um...

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(cheering)
Right?

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You guys all look like
you're from this neighborhood.

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(laughter)

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So... Here's how
I wound up here. Okay?

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Let me just catch you up.

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My two front teeth
didn't fall out

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until I was in fifth grade.

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(laughter)

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Which is late.

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(laughter)

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And that same week,
I got my period.

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(cheers, scattered applause)

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Which is early!

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So I was just like
this jack-o'-lantern

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with tits walking around,
like... (groaning)

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(groaning)

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Trick or treat. (groans)

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I was like Pinocchio
transitioning to a donkey.

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I was like,
"Hee-haw!" (groans)

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(laughter)

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And I had one of those
really cool moms who told me,

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"You don't need to shave
above your knee,

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just... here down."

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So here up,
I was just a werewolf, just...

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Mr. Tumnus here to here.

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Benicio Del Toro...

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beneath my torso.

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I'm so happy to be filming
my special here in New York.

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I grew up here,
I was born here,

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um, did my first
everything here,

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um, still no anal...
(laughter)

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But I just love New York,

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'cause it's a town
where I can get laid.

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Like, I can catch a "D" here
kinda whenevs, yeah.

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And, uh, I was in LA
for a little while, and, um...

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can't, can't there.

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Uh...

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Just in case you've
never been to LA,

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it is, um, filled with
the most beautiful people

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from all over the world.

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So, picture the most beautiful
girl in your high school,

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like the one
that you wanted to be.

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Okay? I'm talking
to the guys right now.

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(laughter)

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And everybody was like,
"You're too pretty

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for Buffalo, Brittany,
go to LA. Go."

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Everyone is hot there.

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Everybody, okay.

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I saw a guy, he was cleaning
up a Pizza Hut bathroom.

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I would have paid
this guy to fuck me.

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I would have paid
him good money.

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I don't-- People don't
even see me there.

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Like, I just--
They 're just like,

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"Is that a fat tumbleweed?
Like, what's..."

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My body type there,
they're like--

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My arms register
as legs there.

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They're just...

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They're like,
"Is that an octopus?

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I don't understand."

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And my legs register
as firewood.

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They're just like...

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like, "Why is the BFG
on Sunset?" Just...

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It got to the point--
I was in LA, I was so excited.

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Somebody tweeted
about another actress.

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They were like,
"She looks like
a fat Amy Schumer,"

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and I was like, "Yes!"

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(laughter)

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"It's not me!"

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It's so insanely---

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Like, if I go
on an audition in New York,

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it's for, like, the cute girl
you didn't notice

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'cause she was, like,
wearing khakis or something.

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Like, "There can't be
a pussy under there,

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those are khakis."

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(laughter)

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How would that even work?

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But then in LA,
I'll be in a waiting room,

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they're like, um,
"Amy, it says here--

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"Are you reading for the girl
getting gastric bypass?

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Is that correct?"

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"Amy, who did you-- Did you
play Gilbert Grape's mom?

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I can't place you."

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(laughter)

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I'm like, "No."
They're like,

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"Okay, well,
you didn't get the part.

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"But do you want us to put
a hose on you, keep you moist,

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so we can return
you to the sea, Blackfish?"

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(laughter)

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It's fucked up.

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And that's not how it is
for the dudes at all, okay?

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Like, I just happened
to see the movie "Zookeeper."

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Did you ever see that movie?

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Okay, if you didn't,
don't, all right?

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Don't see that. But...

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So "Zookeeper" is about
talking animals, okay?

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And the male
romantic lead is...

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(in sultry voice) Kevin James.

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Um...

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(breathes heavily)

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Oh, my God, I know.

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Is it wet in here,
ladies, or is it us?

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(moans)
(laughter)

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The real King James.

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And, uh... (moans)

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And Kevin James is dating
a beautiful, blonde skeleton.

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And...
(laughter)

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And he's sad because
sometimes she's mean to him.

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And then...

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the girl who is
in love with him,

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who he doesn't notice,
who's been there all along,

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waiting in the wings,

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is Rosario Dawson...

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arguably the most
fuckable actress ever.

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Rosario Dawson is just,
like, working at the zoo,

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just, like, sweeping
up koala shit.

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Like,
"Please fuck me, Kevin James."

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(laughter)

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"Why won't Kevin James
give me his dick?" (whines)

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And he's like,

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"Ew, you're wearing
khakis, never."

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(laughter)

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Like, that movie's
about talking animals.

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There is a beaver
and a penguin that are friends

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and talk about opening
a bed and breakfast.

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But that's not
the most unrealistic part
of that movie.

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It's Rosario
pretending--

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She should get an Oscar
for that fucking movie.

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Let's see Meryl do that.

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I dare you, Meryl.

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Pretend like
you're dying to have
Kevin James deep dick you.

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I... I dare you.

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It's fucked up in Hollywood.

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That's why I-- I wrote a movie
last year and I, uh...

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(audience cheers)
Yeah, thank you.

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Thanks. I did it.

203
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And I went like that,
and then send,

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and I'm a hero and, uh...

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But they were like,
"We're gonna make your movie."

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And I was like,
"Oh, my God,

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this is so great,
'cause I love money."

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(laughter)
Um...

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So I wrote this movie and, uh,

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and I just assumed
that they would cast,

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like, a beautiful
model-y actress

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to play the lead role and, uh,

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You know, like
a Blake Lively or like a...

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Sofía Vergara...

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Verge... Verchair...

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Vergina... and, uh,

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and then I'd be on set
just as, like, a writer

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with, like, a messy bun
and a laptop like,

219
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"Um, Miss Lively,
the line's actually

220
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'My pussy hurts.'"

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And...
(laughter)

222
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And she'd be like,
"Why is there
a garden gnome on set?"

223
00:10:05,259 --> 00:10:07,049
And, um...

224
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And I would just, like,
stumble back to my sad office.

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But... they were like,

226
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"No, we want you
to be in the movie."

227
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And I was like,
"Oh, my God. Me?"

228
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They were like, "Yes."

229
00:10:19,230 --> 00:10:21,250
They were like,
"We just need you
to do three things.

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"One, just be yourself.

231
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"Two, have fun.

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And three, stop eating food."

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And I was like,
"Wait a minute!

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00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:37,100
I'm sorry, don't people
need food to live?"

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They were like,
"That's a myth."

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So, I was like, "Okay."

237
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And they were like,
"No. You promise?"

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I was like,
"You guys...

239
00:10:46,289 --> 00:10:48,159
"like, I don't
even like food.

240
00:10:48,179 --> 00:10:50,029
"I was just eating it
'cause I was bored.

241
00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:51,070
"Like, ugh.

242
00:10:51,090 --> 00:10:53,179
Who wants to, like, chew
and eat food all the time?"

243
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Me. I do.

244
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It turns out,
I need food and, uh...

245
00:11:01,059 --> 00:11:03,129
So they got me a trainer.

246
00:11:03,149 --> 00:11:05,200
And I've never
had a trainer before,

247
00:11:05,220 --> 00:11:07,200
and this guy is the trainer.

248
00:11:07,220 --> 00:11:11,169
He's like, trains all
the Hemsworthses and, um...

249
00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:13,179
(laughter)

250
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:17,029
...like, Megan Fox
and, like, an actual fox.

251
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Like, everything
that you wanna fuck,

252
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this guy has gotten
his mitts on, and, uh...

253
00:11:22,250 --> 00:11:25,269
And so, we're meeting
for the first time,

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00:11:25,289 --> 00:11:29,090
and I can really picture him,
like, it was like slow-mo.

255
00:11:29,110 --> 00:11:32,110
I saw him see me and wince.

256
00:11:32,129 --> 00:11:35,080
Like, "Ooh. Um..."

257
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,279
He wasn't used
to this kind of cargo.

258
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,210
So, he's walking toward me

259
00:11:39,230 --> 00:11:42,220
and he's smiling at me,
like, trying to be brave

260
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,110
like you would for,
like, a burn victim.

261
00:11:44,129 --> 00:11:46,049
Like, he's like...

262
00:11:46,070 --> 00:11:48,009
(laughter)

263
00:11:49,259 --> 00:11:52,070
"I can see there's a human
under there somewhere."

264
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,110
And, uh...

265
00:11:55,129 --> 00:11:57,129
And like, I-- I see him
looking at me

266
00:11:57,149 --> 00:11:59,200
and I know he's, like,
assessing what's up with me.

267
00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:01,129
So I'm trying to make muscles

268
00:12:01,149 --> 00:12:03,110
that, like, my body
doesn't even support.

269
00:12:03,129 --> 00:12:04,210
I'm just like...

270
00:12:04,230 --> 00:12:06,200
Like, I look like one
of those inflatable things

271
00:12:06,220 --> 00:12:08,169
outside a car wash
that are like...

272
00:12:08,190 --> 00:12:10,070
I'm like... (groans)

273
00:12:10,090 --> 00:12:11,279
And, uh...

274
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,259
And so...

275
00:12:13,279 --> 00:12:17,070
he gives me this,
um, this, like, questionnaire.

276
00:12:17,090 --> 00:12:18,100
He's like, "Okay.

277
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,059
How many drinks
do you have in a week?"

278
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,149
And I'm like-- you know
how you get just, like,

279
00:12:22,169 --> 00:12:24,149
just once in a while,
you're like,

280
00:12:24,169 --> 00:12:26,179
"What if I'm just honest
for the fuck of it?"

281
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,019
Like, "What if I just...

282
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,200
What if I keep it real
with this guy right now?"

283
00:12:32,149 --> 00:12:33,250
So, I'm like...

284
00:12:33,269 --> 00:12:35,070
"36."

285
00:12:35,090 --> 00:12:38,049
(laughter)

286
00:12:38,070 --> 00:12:40,110
(cheering, whistling)

287
00:12:43,059 --> 00:12:45,070
"36."

288
00:12:45,090 --> 00:12:46,240
And, uh...

289
00:12:46,259 --> 00:12:48,100
And he's like, "No, alcohol."

290
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,279
And I'm like, "No, alcohol."

291
00:12:52,029 --> 00:12:53,289
And...

292
00:12:54,009 --> 00:12:55,080
And, uh, he's like,

293
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,279
"All right, take me through
what you eat in a day."

294
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,090
And he stops me at noon.

295
00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:04,070
Like, he had heard enough.

296
00:13:04,090 --> 00:13:05,259
He's like, "I get it."

297
00:13:05,279 --> 00:13:07,120
So...

298
00:13:09,220 --> 00:13:12,100
And then he's like,
"Okay, well, here's
your new diet, all right?

299
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,289
"So for breakfast,
you'll have a smoothie.

300
00:13:15,009 --> 00:13:18,019
"And then for lunch,
you'll journal

301
00:13:18,039 --> 00:13:19,240
"about that smoothie.

302
00:13:19,259 --> 00:13:22,269
"And then, you put a peanut
under your pillow

303
00:13:22,289 --> 00:13:24,230
and you hope
you dream about pizza."

304
00:13:24,250 --> 00:13:25,269
And I'm like...

305
00:13:25,289 --> 00:13:28,090
(laughter)

306
00:13:28,110 --> 00:13:31,080
I'm like, "Um, I kind of
have to stop you here.

307
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:35,279
"It's sounding like
at times I will be hungry.

308
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,139
"Um...

309
00:13:38,159 --> 00:13:41,200
Did I miss a couple
of courses in there? Uh..."

310
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,029
And he had to explain to me,

311
00:13:43,049 --> 00:13:46,220
like, "No, sometimes
people are hungry."

312
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,250
And I'm like, "Oh, my God.
Well, where are they?

313
00:13:48,269 --> 00:13:50,080
Can we bring them food?"

314
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:53,049
Like, "I've got some extra
stuff in my apartment,

315
00:13:53,070 --> 00:13:56,100
like, not a lot--
Actually, let's just
get them their own food."

316
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,159
Um...

317
00:13:58,210 --> 00:14:00,159
And, like, that's
the secret I found out.

318
00:14:00,179 --> 00:14:02,049
Like, that's
Hollywood's secret.

319
00:14:02,070 --> 00:14:05,190
They don't put food
in their faces,

320
00:14:05,210 --> 00:14:08,159
and that's not
an option for me.

321
00:14:08,179 --> 00:14:10,169
Like, I don't know
how it was...

322
00:14:10,190 --> 00:14:12,110
how it was in your house
growing up, but in our--

323
00:14:12,129 --> 00:14:13,169
in my house,
it was, like,

324
00:14:13,190 --> 00:14:16,179
you would eat till
you were in a lot of pain...

325
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,169
(laughter)

326
00:14:19,190 --> 00:14:21,250
then you'd take,
like, a little breather...

327
00:14:23,139 --> 00:14:27,039
and you get yourself back
in even more pain, right?

328
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,190
Like, I was born weighing 150.

329
00:14:30,210 --> 00:14:32,009
Like, I just
came out swinging.

330
00:14:32,029 --> 00:14:34,039
Like, "Give me linguine, Ma!"

331
00:14:34,059 --> 00:14:36,259
(laughter, cheers)

332
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,080
That's how it's been.

333
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:44,240
Like, I have never
in my life--

334
00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:46,240
I've never said
this sentence in my life--

335
00:14:46,259 --> 00:14:49,289
I've never said, "Oh, my God.
I forgot to have lunch today."

336
00:14:50,009 --> 00:14:51,250
Like, never in my life.

337
00:14:53,190 --> 00:14:54,240
If anything, I've been like,

338
00:14:54,259 --> 00:14:57,179
"Oh, shit.
I had two lunches today...

339
00:14:59,230 --> 00:15:01,240
that lunch
and that other lunch."

340
00:15:01,259 --> 00:15:03,049
Um...

341
00:15:04,210 --> 00:15:07,240
So I was like,
"I don't think I can do
this not eating thing.

342
00:15:07,259 --> 00:15:11,009
"What if I... just develop
an eating disorder?

343
00:15:11,029 --> 00:15:14,080
Like, I'm a white girl.
I can do it, you know?"

344
00:15:15,110 --> 00:15:17,210
So, I, uh,
I made a decision.

345
00:15:17,230 --> 00:15:20,049
I was like, "I'm gonna get
a late-in-life
eating disorder."

346
00:15:20,070 --> 00:15:21,200
And...

347
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:25,110
So I binged regularly,
and, uh...

348
00:15:25,129 --> 00:15:27,250
and then I was like,
"Here we go.

349
00:15:27,269 --> 00:15:30,200
First day pukin'."

350
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,259
And... and my body
was like, "No, bitch.

351
00:15:33,279 --> 00:15:35,100
(laughter)

352
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,200
No, we keep our food here."

353
00:15:39,269 --> 00:15:44,230
It turns out that's not
available to everybody.

354
00:15:44,250 --> 00:15:47,120
What was available
to me was

355
00:15:47,139 --> 00:15:50,149
popping all the blood vessels
in my left eye.

356
00:15:50,169 --> 00:15:52,070
(laughter)

357
00:15:53,279 --> 00:15:55,049
So...

358
00:15:56,259 --> 00:16:00,029
Not only...
was I super bloated,

359
00:16:00,049 --> 00:16:03,019
but then I had
this weird, dead lizard eye.

360
00:16:03,039 --> 00:16:05,100
(laughter)

361
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,019
People thought
I was an oracle.

362
00:16:09,039 --> 00:16:10,210
They were like...

363
00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:12,129
asking about their future.

364
00:16:12,149 --> 00:16:14,049
And I was like,
"I'm just hungry.

365
00:16:14,070 --> 00:16:15,179
"I don't know.

366
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,200
I don't know
about your future."

367
00:16:17,220 --> 00:16:18,279
So I...

368
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,259
Even from just not drinking,
I did, I lost like ten pounds.

369
00:16:21,279 --> 00:16:25,250
And this trainer acted like
he taught Helen Keller
how to read.

370
00:16:25,269 --> 00:16:30,009
He was like, "There she is.
There's my girl."

371
00:16:33,049 --> 00:16:36,169
So I showed up
to film this movie

372
00:16:36,190 --> 00:16:40,009
and I was like,
"I think I'm a model now."

373
00:16:40,029 --> 00:16:41,190
Like, ten--
I was seriously--

374
00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:44,029
I think a lot
of girls are like this.

375
00:16:44,049 --> 00:16:46,059
I-- We have like
a sneaking suspicion,

376
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,120
like, in the back
of our heads,

377
00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:51,190
like, "Am I maybe gorgeous?"

378
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,230
(laughter)

379
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:58,080
"I think I'm gorgeous."

380
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,230
(cheering)

381
00:16:59,250 --> 00:17:00,269
Right?

382
00:17:04,019 --> 00:17:07,029
I'm gorgeous,
but I just haven't stumbled

383
00:17:07,049 --> 00:17:09,259
on the right hairdo,
you know?

384
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:11,279
But one day,
on a whim I'll just, like,

385
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,170
cut bangs
and everybody will be like,

386
00:17:13,190 --> 00:17:15,019
"Damn!"
And I'll be like,

387
00:17:15,039 --> 00:17:17,170
"Oh, my God, like, treat
me the same, you guys."

388
00:17:17,190 --> 00:17:19,089
(laughter)

389
00:17:21,279 --> 00:17:25,079
"I'm the same
person under here."

390
00:17:25,099 --> 00:17:27,130
And they're like,
"We can't, we're too hard,"

391
00:17:27,150 --> 00:17:28,240
and I'm like, "I get it."

392
00:17:28,259 --> 00:17:31,109
But then...

393
00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:34,279
But then my stunt double
was a guy. Um...

394
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,029
(laughter)

395
00:17:38,049 --> 00:17:40,230
I-- I thought I was so cool
that I had a stunt double.

396
00:17:40,250 --> 00:17:42,160
I was just like--
I walked into set like,

397
00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:44,059
"Where is she?"
and they were like,

398
00:17:44,079 --> 00:17:45,170
"That's Troy."

399
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:47,180
And he was dipping
and had a beard.

400
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,230
(laughter)

401
00:17:52,079 --> 00:17:53,240
I was like, "That's me?"

402
00:17:53,259 --> 00:17:57,049
They were like,
"That's you!"

403
00:17:57,069 --> 00:17:59,049
Totally tried
to have sex with him.

404
00:17:59,069 --> 00:18:00,230
Um...

405
00:18:00,250 --> 00:18:03,140
I'll admit that
to you fine people.

406
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,109
I learned, and I should
have already known this

407
00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:09,269
because I've been on the road
doing stand up for 11 years,

408
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:11,220
(audience cheers)
and-- Thank you.

409
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,089
Now I get to be here.

410
00:18:16,170 --> 00:18:19,190
And I-- This is gonna
make some of you gasp.

411
00:18:19,210 --> 00:18:23,069
I have never gotten laid
after a show, okay?

412
00:18:23,089 --> 00:18:26,269
I know,
but that is the truth.

413
00:18:26,289 --> 00:18:31,140
Male stand-ups-- puss as far
as the eye can see, okay?

414
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:36,069
And female comics--
it is not that way.

415
00:18:36,089 --> 00:18:40,069
What I'm saying
is I'm not in this
for the dick, okay?

416
00:18:40,089 --> 00:18:42,200
'Cause it--
I mean, I would be

417
00:18:42,220 --> 00:18:45,000
if it had led to that,
but that's not what happens.

418
00:18:45,019 --> 00:18:48,250
The stunt guy, it's not
my fault I tried to fuck him.

419
00:18:48,269 --> 00:18:51,019
He was very hot.

420
00:18:51,039 --> 00:18:53,029
I'm hot as a guy,
it turns out, and...

421
00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:54,279
(laughter)

422
00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:57,089
He was from South Africa,
and I'm just, like,

423
00:18:57,109 --> 00:19:00,029
such a sucker
for an accent, you know?

424
00:19:00,049 --> 00:19:03,039
Like, an English guy
or, like, a deaf guy?

425
00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:05,150
Mmm.
(laughter)

426
00:19:05,170 --> 00:19:07,269
Mmm!

427
00:19:07,289 --> 00:19:12,000
That was a test to see
if you were bad people...

428
00:19:12,019 --> 00:19:14,150
(laughter)
which you are.

429
00:19:14,170 --> 00:19:15,250
Um...

430
00:19:15,269 --> 00:19:17,079
I do feel bad about that.

431
00:19:17,099 --> 00:19:19,089
My mom's a speech
and hearing therapist
for the deaf,

432
00:19:19,109 --> 00:19:21,230
and she's gonna hear that,
but they won't.

433
00:19:21,250 --> 00:19:23,170
So...

434
00:19:23,190 --> 00:19:25,019
Cheers, you guys,
thanks for coming out.

435
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:27,180
(cheering, whistling)

436
00:19:30,130 --> 00:19:33,009
I know that, um,

437
00:19:33,029 --> 00:19:35,200
some of you are here
by accident and I'm sorry.

438
00:19:35,220 --> 00:19:37,000
Uh...

439
00:19:37,019 --> 00:19:39,099
The Apollo is a beautiful
theater with subscribers,

440
00:19:39,119 --> 00:19:43,259
so some of you thought
you were seeing "Godspell"
tonight, but...

441
00:19:43,279 --> 00:19:46,259
Like, I have no information.
I have no...

442
00:19:46,279 --> 00:19:50,130
I don't know what's going on
in the news, ever,
like, at all.

443
00:19:50,150 --> 00:19:53,089
My friends do.
They're very smart

444
00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,200
and they're up to date,
and, like, I try to chime in.

445
00:19:55,220 --> 00:19:57,230
Like, they were all
very upset about Ferguson,

446
00:19:57,250 --> 00:20:00,240
and I was like,
"I know, I can't believe
he left the show.

447
00:20:00,259 --> 00:20:04,269
"Um... I don't know
about this new guy.

448
00:20:04,289 --> 00:20:08,000
What do you guys think?"
And they were like...

449
00:20:08,019 --> 00:20:11,029
I kept telling
people I was gonna do
an ISIS bucket challenge.

450
00:20:11,049 --> 00:20:12,119
Like, I...

451
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,220
I'm doing the UTI
challenge right now.

452
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,259
Can you...
(laughter)

453
00:20:18,279 --> 00:20:20,059
Thank you.

454
00:20:20,079 --> 00:20:21,109
Thank you.

455
00:20:21,130 --> 00:20:24,079
(cheers, applause)

456
00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:26,130
A UTI, in case
you don't know,

457
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:28,119
it is not a college online.

458
00:20:28,140 --> 00:20:33,180
It is...
a urinary tract infection,

459
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:38,039
and, um, I just got
my first UTI at 33.

460
00:20:38,059 --> 00:20:40,160
Woman: What?!
Yes--
I made it this far.

461
00:20:40,180 --> 00:20:42,009
I know,
unbelievable, right?

462
00:20:42,029 --> 00:20:44,049
33, first--
And nobody tells you

463
00:20:44,069 --> 00:20:45,230
how embarrassing
it's gonna be

464
00:20:45,250 --> 00:20:48,009
'cause no one's like,
"How'd you get it?"

465
00:20:48,029 --> 00:20:49,180
Like, you know how I got it.

466
00:20:51,099 --> 00:20:53,029
I had sex...

467
00:20:53,049 --> 00:20:56,140
and then I was too lazy
to pee right after.

468
00:20:58,180 --> 00:21:02,109
I chose to lay there,
like a cum dumpster,

469
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:05,170
just...
(laughter)

470
00:21:10,279 --> 00:21:12,109
Just a receptacle.

471
00:21:12,130 --> 00:21:16,099
Was I savoring the moment?
What was I doing?

472
00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:17,230
And I didn't
want to use condoms,

473
00:21:17,250 --> 00:21:19,059
'cause I'm like,
"What if I'm allergic?"

474
00:21:19,079 --> 00:21:21,119
Like, I don't want
to risk, you know?

475
00:21:25,109 --> 00:21:27,220
A UTI,
it's so embarrassing,

476
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,150
and then everyone's like,
"Just drink cranberry juice,"

477
00:21:30,170 --> 00:21:32,180
and that doesn't work at all.

478
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,259
And if you order it,
everybody knows what's up.

479
00:21:35,279 --> 00:21:37,240
You're, like,
at a steakhouse...

480
00:21:37,259 --> 00:21:40,259
(laughter)

481
00:21:40,279 --> 00:21:42,240
"Yeah, the fillet and, uh...

482
00:21:42,259 --> 00:21:46,019
Can I have
a cranberry juice? Um..."

483
00:21:46,039 --> 00:21:49,160
The waitress is like,
"You want a cranberry juice?"

484
00:21:49,180 --> 00:21:51,230
You're like, "Yep, yep."

485
00:21:51,250 --> 00:21:54,000
She's like, "Why?"

486
00:21:54,019 --> 00:21:56,190
"'Cause I love it."
"No, you're disgusting."

487
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,150
I got it-- I was sleeping
with a guy who's my friend.

488
00:22:02,170 --> 00:22:04,059
Having--
Like, friends having sex,

489
00:22:04,079 --> 00:22:05,269
there's a real
sadness to that.

490
00:22:05,289 --> 00:22:08,140
Like, I don't know
if you've experienced it,

491
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,019
when, like,
two friends are like,

492
00:22:10,039 --> 00:22:11,250
"We could stomach
fucking each other.

493
00:22:11,269 --> 00:22:13,130
We should try that."

494
00:22:13,150 --> 00:22:16,289
Just, like, hurl your bodies
at each other and...

495
00:22:17,009 --> 00:22:19,109
and you're just, like,
thinking about it
the whole time, like,

496
00:22:19,130 --> 00:22:23,069
"Ugh, I can't believe
Luke's eating my pussy
right now, like..."

497
00:22:23,089 --> 00:22:25,259
(laughter)
"That's fucking--"

498
00:22:25,279 --> 00:22:28,089
And Luke's thinking,
"I'm eating Schumer's
pussy right now?"

499
00:22:28,109 --> 00:22:32,019
Like, it's bad.
It's all bad.

500
00:22:32,039 --> 00:22:35,059
It's really sad.
And then...

501
00:22:35,079 --> 00:22:38,079
And then, you know,
and he was like,

502
00:22:38,099 --> 00:22:40,069
really worried about
getting me pregnant.

503
00:22:40,089 --> 00:22:42,190
And I'm like, "I was born
wearing the NuvaRing,

504
00:22:42,210 --> 00:22:45,220
like, I came out ringed up."

505
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,099
And, uh...

506
00:22:48,230 --> 00:22:51,000
And also, I'm like,
"Guess what, Luke?

507
00:22:51,019 --> 00:22:53,069
"If I got pregnant
with your baby,

508
00:22:53,089 --> 00:22:55,200
I would ignore all red lights

509
00:22:55,220 --> 00:22:57,049
on the way
to Planned Parenthood."

510
00:22:57,069 --> 00:22:59,119
Just... (imitates car horn)

511
00:22:59,140 --> 00:23:01,279
(laughter, applause)

512
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,140
It would look like
"Snowpiercer"
out my window, just...

513
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,259
(imitates wind)

514
00:23:08,289 --> 00:23:11,119
It's always the guys you would
never have a kid with
that's like (grunts).

515
00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:14,160
Like, "I'm not trying
to get your seed, thank you.

516
00:23:14,180 --> 00:23:16,079
Thank you, though."

517
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:20,190
Yeah, I have no idea
what's going on in the news.

518
00:23:20,210 --> 00:23:23,240
I read about the, um,
when the celebrities'
photos got hacked.

519
00:23:23,259 --> 00:23:25,000
I read that.

520
00:23:25,019 --> 00:23:27,119
Did you guys look
at their beautiful
little pussies?

521
00:23:27,140 --> 00:23:29,279
I'm the only one, really?

522
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,180
I looked at every little
pussy I could find.

523
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,059
(laughter)

524
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:39,049
I wanted to see if they were,
like, magical and, like,
almond-sized.

525
00:23:39,069 --> 00:23:40,180
Not that mine isn't.

526
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,220
I mean, you guys,
I didn't know
you'd be sitting this close.

527
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,109
Like, it's very small, right?

528
00:23:44,130 --> 00:23:46,230
It's a-- I have a tiny--

529
00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:49,009
It's like a Barbie.
You can't even find the hole.

530
00:23:49,029 --> 00:23:50,230
You're like,
"Is there a hole?"

531
00:23:50,250 --> 00:23:53,150
Tiny. Even in
a light days tampon,

532
00:23:53,170 --> 00:23:56,059
I walk around, like,
"Ow, ow, ow, ow,

533
00:23:56,079 --> 00:24:01,029
ow ,ow...
Ooh! Mmm!"

534
00:24:02,259 --> 00:24:05,000
No, if I, like, sneeze,
that would fall out of me.

535
00:24:05,019 --> 00:24:06,019
I, um...

536
00:24:08,250 --> 00:24:10,099
At the drugstore,
I'm like, "Do you guys

537
00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:12,289
have any futons
I could maybe borrow?"

538
00:24:20,230 --> 00:24:24,009
No. It's normal.
I think my pussy's good.

539
00:24:24,029 --> 00:24:25,160
Like, people always
come back, you know?

540
00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:28,099
I've got a good...
good return rate.

541
00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:32,099
Like, I'd know by now
if it was, like, jacked up.

542
00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:35,190
I, uh... I don't know, though.

543
00:24:35,210 --> 00:24:38,069
I've never really looked
at my pussy, like...

544
00:24:38,089 --> 00:24:39,160
but it got into my head.

545
00:24:39,180 --> 00:24:40,269
"Amy, what does
your pussy look like?"

546
00:24:40,289 --> 00:24:42,240
Um, probably like
the mouth of, like,

547
00:24:42,259 --> 00:24:44,089
an old lounge singer,
there's, like,

548
00:24:44,109 --> 00:24:45,269
a cigarette hanging
out of it, just...

549
00:24:45,289 --> 00:24:47,230
(laughter)

550
00:24:50,140 --> 00:24:52,190
She's like doing
the Charleston and scatting.

551
00:24:52,210 --> 00:24:54,210
She's like... (scatting)

552
00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:04,029
She calls everybody honey.

553
00:25:04,049 --> 00:25:06,140
Just-- I'm guessing.
I don't know.

554
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:07,279
It's a guess.

555
00:25:11,089 --> 00:25:13,180
They're all beautiful,
they're all equally beautiful,

556
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:14,259
I believe, but...

557
00:25:14,279 --> 00:25:16,180
The reason I don't know
what my pussy looks like

558
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:19,089
is because women never
look at their vaginas.

559
00:25:19,109 --> 00:25:21,150
Like, men,
you look down,

560
00:25:21,170 --> 00:25:22,240
you're like,
"Oh, there's my dick."

561
00:25:22,259 --> 00:25:24,009
Well, like, hopefully.

562
00:25:24,029 --> 00:25:25,059
Um...

563
00:25:25,079 --> 00:25:27,009
(laughter)

564
00:25:27,029 --> 00:25:29,079
But, girls, you would need,
like, a hand mirror

565
00:25:29,099 --> 00:25:31,059
and to do some, like,
"Cirque du Soleil" type...

566
00:25:31,079 --> 00:25:34,210
Like, it's hard to find.

567
00:25:34,230 --> 00:25:37,130
And then the only time you see
it is if you get a bikini wax.

568
00:25:37,150 --> 00:25:40,130
And they wax you
and then they show it to you,

569
00:25:40,150 --> 00:25:45,190
and there is no faster
response time in the world.

570
00:25:47,170 --> 00:25:50,210
You're just like,
"Yep, that looks great!"

571
00:25:50,230 --> 00:25:54,079
(laughter, applause)

572
00:25:54,099 --> 00:25:56,279
"I see it.
Yeah, that's great."

573
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,190
It's like identifying a body.

574
00:25:58,210 --> 00:26:00,220
You're like, "That's her!

575
00:26:03,069 --> 00:26:05,119
Yeah, definitely her.
Thank you."

576
00:26:07,259 --> 00:26:10,210
Right? I don't know
any girl that's like...

577
00:26:10,230 --> 00:26:15,279
"Hmm... Maybe
a little more off the top."

578
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,220
No one...
No one does that.

579
00:26:21,029 --> 00:26:23,190
I got a massage recently.

580
00:26:23,210 --> 00:26:28,009
I hurt my neck doing something
that's my business and, um...

581
00:26:28,029 --> 00:26:30,089
I know, that's supposed
to sound like I was,

582
00:26:30,109 --> 00:26:33,259
like, giving a blowjob,
but I was honestly opening
a jar of salsa con queso.

583
00:26:33,279 --> 00:26:35,099
I was like... (grunts)

584
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:37,099
And, um...

585
00:26:39,009 --> 00:26:42,029
So that I could suck it
off of a cab driver's dick
and, uh...

586
00:26:42,049 --> 00:26:45,160
(laughter, applause)

587
00:26:45,180 --> 00:26:46,240
Never.

588
00:26:46,259 --> 00:26:48,269
Uber, yes.
Uber... (gags)

589
00:26:48,289 --> 00:26:50,170
But, um...

590
00:26:50,190 --> 00:26:52,130
(laughter)

591
00:26:54,049 --> 00:26:55,109
That's me in an Uber.

592
00:26:55,130 --> 00:26:57,170
Mmm... mmm.
(giggles)

593
00:26:59,210 --> 00:27:01,269
So, my neck hurt,

594
00:27:01,289 --> 00:27:03,250
and I looked at this website,

595
00:27:03,269 --> 00:27:06,240
and it had music
and it looked like a nice spa,

596
00:27:06,259 --> 00:27:10,089
and I realized--
realized a little late

597
00:27:10,109 --> 00:27:12,099
in the game that
it was a rub and tug.

598
00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:14,190
Now, it is fully my fault.

599
00:27:14,210 --> 00:27:16,109
Like, all the signs
were there.

600
00:27:16,130 --> 00:27:19,009
This is-- It's on me.
I'm taking responsibility.

601
00:27:19,029 --> 00:27:21,210
Like, I had to be buzzed in.

602
00:27:21,230 --> 00:27:25,150
Um... I don't know a spa
that's like, "Who's there?"

603
00:27:25,170 --> 00:27:28,160
Like, they usually
let you come

604
00:27:28,180 --> 00:27:32,190
and go at your "leis,"
and, uh...

605
00:27:32,210 --> 00:27:34,210
There were gold bars
on the windows.

606
00:27:34,230 --> 00:27:36,140
I was like,
"Ooh, exclusive."

607
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,099
And, uh...
(laughter)

608
00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:42,039
I swear, I got in there
and they were like,
"Are you law enforcement?"

609
00:27:42,059 --> 00:27:45,180
And I was like,
"No, but I have been
working out more, thank you."

610
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:49,049
Uh... And then the girl
who came to get me,

611
00:27:49,069 --> 00:27:50,279
she was leading
the guy before me out

612
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,009
by the small of his back,
which is body language for,

613
00:27:54,029 --> 00:27:59,130
"That's okay you came
on my foot. That's okay."

614
00:27:59,150 --> 00:28:02,089
And, uh...

615
00:28:02,109 --> 00:28:04,289
And then she walked
me back to the room

616
00:28:05,009 --> 00:28:07,170
like she was walking
me through, like,
a fun frat party.

617
00:28:07,190 --> 00:28:08,279
She like--
she's like, "Come on!"

618
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,000
She's like, "Woo!"

619
00:28:13,019 --> 00:28:15,039
And I'm like, "Okay."

620
00:28:15,059 --> 00:28:18,150
And then we get in there
and that's when I knew,

621
00:28:18,170 --> 00:28:22,150
because it was just two--
It was just a steel table,

622
00:28:22,170 --> 00:28:25,140
like-- like you'd examine
people on in "Lost..."

623
00:28:27,180 --> 00:28:32,029
and towels,
like, hardened towels.

624
00:28:32,049 --> 00:28:34,150
You know the color.

625
00:28:34,170 --> 00:28:38,160
And... and there
was no face cradle

626
00:28:38,180 --> 00:28:42,019
'cause no one had ever
laid facedown before.

627
00:28:43,279 --> 00:28:47,029
So, uh, I still
laid facedown.

628
00:28:47,049 --> 00:28:49,250
I was like, "Fuck this,
I am not finding out what
they do to girls here."

629
00:28:49,269 --> 00:28:53,089
So I just put
my head over the edge.

630
00:28:53,109 --> 00:28:56,279
And I was really
trying to keep things
on the up-and-up.

631
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:58,279
I'm like,
"It's just my neck, girl,

632
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:00,170
like, just my neck."

633
00:29:00,190 --> 00:29:02,130
And she's all upper thigh.
She's like,

634
00:29:02,150 --> 00:29:04,059
"Is this your neck?"

635
00:29:04,079 --> 00:29:06,009
(laughter)

636
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:10,269
I'm like, "You know
that's not my neck."

637
00:29:10,289 --> 00:29:13,069
And then I just kind of
accept it into my heart.

638
00:29:13,089 --> 00:29:14,150
I was like,

639
00:29:14,170 --> 00:29:18,130
"Amy, you know you're getting
a thumb right in the butthole.

640
00:29:18,150 --> 00:29:22,170
"Just accept it. Embrace it.

641
00:29:22,190 --> 00:29:25,190
"This is God's plan
for you, Amy.

642
00:29:25,210 --> 00:29:27,240
"♪ Let it go ♪

643
00:29:27,259 --> 00:29:29,170
♪ Let it go ♪"

644
00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:36,009
And then, she didn't do it
and I was fucking furious.

645
00:29:36,029 --> 00:29:39,250
Just...
What about my butthole?

646
00:29:39,269 --> 00:29:41,259
I, uh...

647
00:29:41,279 --> 00:29:43,259
I-- I would have let her
go down on me, I bet.

648
00:29:43,279 --> 00:29:48,039
Like... I would let anyone
go down on me, actually.

649
00:29:48,059 --> 00:29:49,200
Um... you ever
think about that?

650
00:29:49,220 --> 00:29:51,099
Like, sometimes I'll see
people on the street,

651
00:29:51,119 --> 00:29:54,069
I'm like, "How bad would
it get before I said no?"

652
00:29:54,089 --> 00:29:56,119
Like, when would I...

653
00:29:56,140 --> 00:29:59,200
I see kinda, like, a hot,
like, newly homeless dude.

654
00:29:59,220 --> 00:30:03,109
Like, I mean, week one,
doesn't even have a sign

655
00:30:03,130 --> 00:30:05,210
or a dog yet, you know,
just, like...

656
00:30:05,230 --> 00:30:08,119
just got out there.

657
00:30:08,140 --> 00:30:11,180
"Yes," I thought.
"Yes, that's fine."

658
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:15,210
Some family members...
like a cousin. Like...

659
00:30:15,230 --> 00:30:17,289
Not like a cousin
you grew up playing with,

660
00:30:18,009 --> 00:30:19,099
like just one that
you see at funerals,

661
00:30:19,119 --> 00:30:22,029
like that kind of a distance.

662
00:30:22,049 --> 00:30:24,089
He could go down on me.

663
00:30:24,109 --> 00:30:27,039
Any girl, any girl.

664
00:30:27,059 --> 00:30:29,119
I mean, I could never
go down on a girl, though.

665
00:30:29,140 --> 00:30:30,230
I couldn't do it.

666
00:30:30,250 --> 00:30:32,049
If a pussy were ever
in front of me

667
00:30:32,069 --> 00:30:35,109
and it was, like, go time,
it would be like

668
00:30:35,130 --> 00:30:37,109
I was, like, trying to jump
into Double Dutch.

669
00:30:37,130 --> 00:30:38,180
I would be like...

670
00:30:40,019 --> 00:30:43,069
(laughter, applause)

671
00:30:47,009 --> 00:30:48,220
"I can't.
You're a beautiful girl.

672
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:50,170
"I'm so sorry, I can't.

673
00:30:50,190 --> 00:30:52,140
Thank you
for braiding my hair."

674
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:55,160
Um...
(laughter)

675
00:30:55,180 --> 00:30:57,029
I'm, like, seriously
winded from just,

676
00:30:57,049 --> 00:31:00,019
like, moving my body
for two seconds.

677
00:31:00,039 --> 00:31:04,029
They're like,
"Oh, she's gonna sweat again."

678
00:31:04,049 --> 00:31:06,190
I, uh, before I left LA,

679
00:31:06,210 --> 00:31:10,059
I-- my agent got me
courtside seats
to a Laker game.

680
00:31:10,079 --> 00:31:12,089
And I don't care
about basketball,

681
00:31:12,109 --> 00:31:14,059
or any sport, at all.

682
00:31:14,079 --> 00:31:17,019
But courtside, I thought
it would be free booze,

683
00:31:17,039 --> 00:31:19,180
and it's not, it turns out.

684
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,259
I'm like, "Do you have to be,
like, the point guard

685
00:31:21,279 --> 00:31:25,140
to get a merlot?
This is horrible."

686
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:31,119
But I go to the game
and I was like,
"This is a fancy event.

687
00:31:31,140 --> 00:31:33,160
Like, I want to
bring it, I want to
look great," you know?

688
00:31:33,180 --> 00:31:35,150
And I did.
I put on, like, blush,

689
00:31:35,170 --> 00:31:38,089
and like...
that's it, but, like...

690
00:31:38,109 --> 00:31:40,130
(laughter)

691
00:31:40,150 --> 00:31:42,170
Like, so much blush,
you know?

692
00:31:42,190 --> 00:31:46,000
Like, a lot of blush and...

693
00:31:47,130 --> 00:31:49,069
I was really kind of
feeling myself, you know?

694
00:31:49,089 --> 00:31:51,029
I just walk in
and I'm like,

695
00:31:51,049 --> 00:31:54,059
"Here I am.
Like, feast your eyes,"

696
00:31:54,079 --> 00:31:57,289
and then the first
person I saw was
literally Kate Upton.

697
00:31:59,170 --> 00:32:02,259
And I was like,
"Oh, I get it.

698
00:32:02,279 --> 00:32:05,230
"I'm not a real woman,

699
00:32:05,250 --> 00:32:09,019
I'm just harvesting
organs for one."

700
00:32:10,190 --> 00:32:13,109
So if Kate was ever like,
"My liver feels weird,"

701
00:32:13,130 --> 00:32:16,109
I'd be like, "Well, here,"
and then, like, bleed out.

702
00:32:19,079 --> 00:32:21,140
And she'd be like,
"Do you have
anything smaller?"

703
00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:23,180
And, uh...

704
00:32:25,210 --> 00:32:28,119
I don't know why my,
like, liver's flopping
around her hand.

705
00:32:28,140 --> 00:32:31,150
So I see Kate Upton
and I knew,

706
00:32:31,170 --> 00:32:33,059
I knew she wanted
to talk to me

707
00:32:33,079 --> 00:32:36,019
because beautiful girls
love funny girls.

708
00:32:36,039 --> 00:32:38,069
They think we're
like clowns, you know?

709
00:32:38,089 --> 00:32:39,160
Like, I just knew.

710
00:32:39,180 --> 00:32:41,200
She's gonna, like, poke me.
Like, "Do your clown thing."

711
00:32:41,220 --> 00:32:43,009
And I'm like,
"I don't want to."

712
00:32:43,029 --> 00:32:44,089
But...

713
00:32:47,109 --> 00:32:50,049
And funny girls do not
want anything to do

714
00:32:50,069 --> 00:32:51,200
with beautiful girls.
And you guys are like,

715
00:32:51,220 --> 00:32:53,029
"Amy, but you're both."
Oh, my God,

716
00:32:53,049 --> 00:32:55,099
thank you guys
for all thinking that.

717
00:32:55,119 --> 00:32:57,170
All of you, every one of you,
every single one of you,

718
00:32:57,190 --> 00:32:59,069
and all my ex-boyfriends.

719
00:32:59,089 --> 00:33:01,250
(cheers, whistles)
Oh, my God.

720
00:33:01,269 --> 00:33:03,160
Like, you can have it all.

721
00:33:03,180 --> 00:33:05,039
Um...

722
00:33:06,170 --> 00:33:08,099
I don't like talking
to really hot people.

723
00:33:08,119 --> 00:33:12,150
I'm very grossed out
being around someone gorgeous.

724
00:33:12,170 --> 00:33:15,119
But my friend talked to her
and he was like,

725
00:33:15,140 --> 00:33:17,250
"She was actually
really funny,"

726
00:33:17,269 --> 00:33:20,029
and I was like, "Fuck you."

727
00:33:20,049 --> 00:33:23,079
(laughter, cheers)

728
00:33:27,109 --> 00:33:29,230
No way.

729
00:33:29,250 --> 00:33:31,200
There's no way.

730
00:33:31,220 --> 00:33:34,200
We just have
such low expectations

731
00:33:34,220 --> 00:33:37,029
for hot-- for hot people
to be anything.

732
00:33:37,049 --> 00:33:38,170
I'm like, "You were
probably blown away

733
00:33:38,190 --> 00:33:41,000
she wasn't just
sitting there playing
with her tits and drooling

734
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:42,190
Like... (giggling)

735
00:33:48,069 --> 00:33:50,190
I'm like, "What did she say
that was so funny?"

736
00:33:50,210 --> 00:33:52,140
And he was like,
"Well, we were talking

737
00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:54,039
"about playing pool later
and she was like,

738
00:33:54,059 --> 00:33:56,019
'Get ready to lose.'"

739
00:34:02,289 --> 00:34:06,049
I was like, "Oh, when's
her hour special coming
out on HBO?

740
00:34:06,069 --> 00:34:08,059
What a great..."

741
00:34:08,079 --> 00:34:11,090
(cheering, whistling)

742
00:34:12,150 --> 00:34:14,079
Fuck you.

743
00:34:18,079 --> 00:34:20,019
Wouldn't that have gone
so different if it were

744
00:34:20,039 --> 00:34:22,000
like just
a normal-looking girl?

745
00:34:22,019 --> 00:34:23,119
She's like,
"Get ready to lose."

746
00:34:23,139 --> 00:34:25,030
They would have been like,
"Did you hear that cunt?

747
00:34:25,050 --> 00:34:27,110
Like, what a fucking..."

748
00:34:27,130 --> 00:34:28,219
But instead they were like,

749
00:34:28,239 --> 00:34:31,019
"Oh, my God,
you should be Seinfeld."

750
00:34:31,039 --> 00:34:32,199
Um...

751
00:34:34,170 --> 00:34:36,070
The whole reason I got
tickets to the game, um,

752
00:34:36,090 --> 00:34:37,250
he gave me these seats
because he thought

753
00:34:37,269 --> 00:34:40,119
I was mad at him
for sexually harassing me...

754
00:34:40,139 --> 00:34:42,019
which I wasn't.

755
00:34:42,039 --> 00:34:43,130
Like, I'm 33.

756
00:34:43,150 --> 00:34:45,219
I really appreciate
that shit right now.

757
00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:46,250
I just...

758
00:34:46,269 --> 00:34:49,130
You know, when
you're in your 20s,

759
00:34:49,150 --> 00:34:51,090
if you walk
past a construction site

760
00:34:51,110 --> 00:34:52,239
and they're like, "Yeah,"
you're like,

761
00:34:52,260 --> 00:34:55,250
"How dare you!
My secret bits!"

762
00:34:55,269 --> 00:34:58,139
But...
(laughter)

763
00:35:00,119 --> 00:35:02,219
In your 30s, you walk past
and you're like,

764
00:35:02,239 --> 00:35:05,130
"What about this, huh?"

765
00:35:05,150 --> 00:35:07,110
My skirt's, like,
over my head.

766
00:35:07,130 --> 00:35:08,230
I'm like... "Aah!"

767
00:35:10,150 --> 00:35:11,260
They're like,
"We're eating."

768
00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:13,130
I'm like... "Aah!"

769
00:35:15,130 --> 00:35:18,039
That shit changes.
It does.

770
00:35:18,059 --> 00:35:20,019
Who here is in their 40s?

771
00:35:20,039 --> 00:35:22,050
(cheering)

772
00:35:22,070 --> 00:35:23,170
What about 30s?

773
00:35:23,190 --> 00:35:25,250
(loud cheering)

774
00:35:25,269 --> 00:35:27,010
20s?

775
00:35:27,030 --> 00:35:28,289
(louder cheering)

776
00:35:29,010 --> 00:35:32,110
Do you hear that hope?
Remember?

777
00:35:33,110 --> 00:35:35,139
Do you remember 20s hope?

778
00:35:35,159 --> 00:35:37,119
Do you? I kinda do.

779
00:35:37,139 --> 00:35:40,030
You know,
you just walk around

780
00:35:40,050 --> 00:35:44,030
like, "Everything's gonna
work out.

781
00:35:44,050 --> 00:35:48,059
Everybody's always gonna
want to fuck me!"

782
00:35:48,079 --> 00:35:49,130
And then you're like,
"Oh, cool.

783
00:35:49,150 --> 00:35:51,099
Cellulite on my
hands and feet."

784
00:35:51,119 --> 00:35:52,219
Um...

785
00:35:55,039 --> 00:35:58,010
In your 20s, you're
so corrupt with power,

786
00:35:58,030 --> 00:36:00,019
especially if you're
in love in your 20s.

787
00:36:00,039 --> 00:36:02,269
Remember 20s love?
You're just so arrogant.

788
00:36:02,289 --> 00:36:06,059
You're like,
"We're so lucky
we found each other.

789
00:36:06,079 --> 00:36:08,130
What are all
these sad songs about?"

790
00:36:08,150 --> 00:36:10,119
(scoffing)

791
00:36:16,239 --> 00:36:19,280
I think of 20s love
the same as the tsunami,

792
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:26,159
because I read that
in the tsunami,
the tide was way in,

793
00:36:26,179 --> 00:36:28,269
so, fish were flopping
around the shore

794
00:36:28,289 --> 00:36:30,039
and people were,
like, psyched.

795
00:36:30,059 --> 00:36:31,230
They were gathering
them with baskets.

796
00:36:31,250 --> 00:36:36,039
Like,
"I can't believe my luck.
Look at all these fish!"

797
00:36:37,210 --> 00:36:38,260
That's, like, 20s love.

798
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:41,090
You're like,
"For me and me!"

799
00:36:43,030 --> 00:36:47,110
And then you're like,
"Oh, fuck!"

800
00:36:47,130 --> 00:36:49,230
And it murders you.

801
00:36:57,050 --> 00:36:58,190
But yeah.

802
00:36:58,210 --> 00:36:59,260
But enjoy it.

803
00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:01,039
Um...

804
00:37:01,059 --> 00:37:04,150
(laughter, cheers)

805
00:37:04,170 --> 00:37:05,250
Enjoy it.

806
00:37:05,269 --> 00:37:08,119
(humming nonchalantly)

807
00:37:10,159 --> 00:37:12,289
That's why I'm so annoyed
I'm single again.

808
00:37:13,010 --> 00:37:16,199
That means I'm gonna have
to go out with a new dude
and he'll--

809
00:37:16,219 --> 00:37:18,090
We'll go to the movies
and he'll be like,

810
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:19,099
"Do you want
to get a popcorn?"

811
00:37:19,119 --> 00:37:21,000
and I'll be
like, "Oh, my God,

812
00:37:21,019 --> 00:37:22,119
"I hadn't even
thought about it.

813
00:37:22,139 --> 00:37:25,190
"Um... that's not
the whole reason

814
00:37:25,210 --> 00:37:28,139
I wanted to come see
this piece of shit movie."

815
00:37:32,289 --> 00:37:35,090
I've left so many movies
right after the previews

816
00:37:35,110 --> 00:37:36,239
'cause I finished my popcorn.

817
00:37:42,039 --> 00:37:44,070
And then he's like,
"What size do you want?"

818
00:37:44,090 --> 00:37:47,269
and I'm like... (giggles)
"Small, look at me."

819
00:37:50,039 --> 00:37:51,289
Meanwhile,
a small popcorn, like,

820
00:37:52,010 --> 00:37:53,159
that's like
taking one Advil.

821
00:37:53,179 --> 00:37:55,090
Like, get the fuck
out of here.

822
00:37:57,039 --> 00:37:58,239
It's like taking six Xanax.

823
00:37:58,260 --> 00:38:00,280
Like, why are
you wasting my time?

824
00:38:03,030 --> 00:38:04,099
Small popcorn.

825
00:38:04,119 --> 00:38:05,230
And then
the cashier is like,

826
00:38:05,250 --> 00:38:08,139
"For $15, you can
get one more handful,"

827
00:38:08,159 --> 00:38:12,230
and I'm like,
"That sounds like
a great deal. We'll take it."

828
00:38:14,019 --> 00:38:15,250
You sit in there
and you're supposed to act

829
00:38:15,269 --> 00:38:17,280
like you're not thinking
about the popcorn

830
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:19,179
and you're just
watching the movie, like,

831
00:38:19,199 --> 00:38:23,130
"Oh, I forgot that
we even had popcorn."

832
00:38:26,130 --> 00:38:27,230
But really,
I just want to, like,

833
00:38:27,250 --> 00:38:30,139
push his eyes
in with my thumbs...

834
00:38:32,019 --> 00:38:34,090
and just dump
the popcorn all over my face

835
00:38:34,110 --> 00:38:35,260
and head and just
run out screaming,

836
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:38,139
"You would have found out
anyway, motherfucker!"

837
00:38:39,230 --> 00:38:42,219
(applause, cheers)

838
00:38:51,119 --> 00:38:53,139
So I'm single.

839
00:38:53,159 --> 00:38:55,219
Um...
(laughter)

840
00:38:55,239 --> 00:38:57,099
I know, you guys
are all thinking,

841
00:38:57,119 --> 00:39:00,239
like, "Amy, this is all great,
but how do we date you?"

842
00:39:00,260 --> 00:39:02,059
Um, you can't.

843
00:39:02,079 --> 00:39:04,139
And not just
'cause I'm not totally

844
00:39:04,159 --> 00:39:05,280
out of the woods
with this UTI,

845
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:08,030
but also...
(laughter)

846
00:39:08,050 --> 00:39:11,130
I am not on any dating sites.

847
00:39:11,150 --> 00:39:13,269
Like, the only app
I have on my phone

848
00:39:13,289 --> 00:39:15,250
like that is Foodspotting,

849
00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:18,159
which is like Tinder
but for food.

850
00:39:18,179 --> 00:39:23,159
So, it lets you know
about foods in your area.

851
00:39:23,179 --> 00:39:24,289
Uh...

852
00:39:25,010 --> 00:39:26,230
Like the other day
I was, like, eyeing up,

853
00:39:26,250 --> 00:39:31,230
like, this one scone
and it was under a mile away,

854
00:39:31,250 --> 00:39:34,239
I was like,
"Is this a coincidence?
Like, I don't--"

855
00:39:34,260 --> 00:39:36,219
It's like, "Yes."

856
00:39:36,239 --> 00:39:41,070
And then, uh...
I'm like, "Should I go?"

857
00:39:41,090 --> 00:39:45,019
and my friends are like,
"Go! Like, go! See!"

858
00:39:45,039 --> 00:39:46,190
and I'm like, "Okay."

859
00:39:46,210 --> 00:39:48,269
So I went
and I kind of, like,

860
00:39:48,289 --> 00:39:50,150
sidled up to the scone
and it's like,

861
00:39:50,170 --> 00:39:53,130
"Oh, my God, you look
just like your picture.

862
00:39:53,150 --> 00:39:56,030
Do you want to come
home with me?"

863
00:39:56,050 --> 00:39:57,039
(chews loudly)

864
00:39:57,059 --> 00:39:58,230
Um...

865
00:39:58,250 --> 00:40:00,030
(giggles)

866
00:40:01,219 --> 00:40:02,280
And I was, like,
I was hungry,

867
00:40:03,010 --> 00:40:05,269
so I was putting
a little butter on saltines...

868
00:40:07,260 --> 00:40:10,000
but then I kinda took
a look at myself.

869
00:40:10,019 --> 00:40:11,199
I'm like,
"Hold on, Amy.

870
00:40:11,219 --> 00:40:13,230
"Like, you're not
Martha Stewart,

871
00:40:13,250 --> 00:40:15,269
"just put the butter
and the cracker

872
00:40:15,289 --> 00:40:19,280
in your mouth and they'll
find each other in there."

873
00:40:22,159 --> 00:40:24,269
Who am I? I'm like
the "Barefoot Contestant'
or whatever.

874
00:40:24,289 --> 00:40:26,190
I'm like, "Uh!"

875
00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:29,059
Dirtying a knife.

876
00:40:29,079 --> 00:40:32,090
So, I was dating someone
for a little bit this year.

877
00:40:32,110 --> 00:40:34,139
I was dating
an infectious disease doctor

878
00:40:34,159 --> 00:40:35,269
'cause two birds.

879
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,250
And...
(laughter)

880
00:40:38,269 --> 00:40:40,159
What do you want?

881
00:40:40,179 --> 00:40:45,050
And he wound up being a,
like, an insane alcoholic

882
00:40:45,070 --> 00:40:47,090
and that's my thing.

883
00:40:47,110 --> 00:40:49,000
Uh...

884
00:40:49,019 --> 00:40:51,070
I feel like in most
relationships, there's, like,

885
00:40:51,090 --> 00:40:53,239
one alcoholic,
and then, like, one person

886
00:40:53,260 --> 00:40:56,219
who's sad about it,
and I wanted to be,
like, the fun one.

887
00:40:59,289 --> 00:41:04,210
So, I called my mom, um,

888
00:41:04,230 --> 00:41:06,170
because nothing
makes her happier

889
00:41:06,190 --> 00:41:08,039
than me being alone,

890
00:41:08,059 --> 00:41:12,139
and she's like,
"Oh, my God, will I be
seeing you more?"

891
00:41:12,159 --> 00:41:15,170
Um...
and I'm like, "Yes, Mom,"

892
00:41:15,190 --> 00:41:17,030
and she starts
giving me advice.

893
00:41:17,050 --> 00:41:21,019
She's like,
"Am, you need to love
like you've never been hurt,"

894
00:41:22,230 --> 00:41:25,179
and I'm like,
"Are you reading off of
a bumper sticker right now?"

895
00:41:25,199 --> 00:41:28,280
Like... she's like, "Dance
like no one's watching."

896
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,119
Like, dance like a couple
of people are watching.

897
00:41:31,139 --> 00:41:35,079
Right? Even if you're alone,
maybe hold it together.

898
00:41:37,050 --> 00:41:40,059
Cross the street
like no cars-- What?

899
00:41:42,050 --> 00:41:43,210
I was thinking
about this last night

900
00:41:43,230 --> 00:41:48,019
and I was having
a little, um, wine and...

901
00:41:48,039 --> 00:41:52,119
weed and an Ambien, um...

902
00:41:52,139 --> 00:41:54,190
or as I call it,
tucking myself in.

903
00:41:54,210 --> 00:41:55,289
Um...

904
00:41:58,239 --> 00:42:02,269
(cheering, whistling)

905
00:42:02,289 --> 00:42:04,230
Good night, moon. And...

906
00:42:09,090 --> 00:42:10,230
I...

907
00:42:10,250 --> 00:42:12,239
I am a good person.
I swear to you.

908
00:42:12,260 --> 00:42:13,289
Like, I'm very old-school.

909
00:42:14,010 --> 00:42:15,139
I think the guy
should always pay

910
00:42:15,159 --> 00:42:20,150
on the first date
for sex and...

911
00:42:20,170 --> 00:42:21,190
I'm a romantic.

912
00:42:21,210 --> 00:42:23,099
I'm labeled a sex comic.

913
00:42:23,119 --> 00:42:24,219
Like, that's in interviews.

914
00:42:24,239 --> 00:42:28,170
People are always like,
"So you-- you talk about sex,"

915
00:42:28,190 --> 00:42:30,190
and I'm like... I think
it's just 'cause I'm a girl.

916
00:42:30,210 --> 00:42:32,090
I feel like a guy could
get up here and literally

917
00:42:32,110 --> 00:42:33,269
pull his dick out
and everybody would be like,

918
00:42:33,289 --> 00:42:36,000
"He's a thinker."
But...

919
00:42:36,019 --> 00:42:39,119
(laughter, cheers)
Right?

920
00:42:43,150 --> 00:42:44,219
It's true.

921
00:42:44,239 --> 00:42:47,079
But then I mention one UTI
and everyone just thinks

922
00:42:47,099 --> 00:42:49,239
I walk around leaving,
like, a snail trail of cum,

923
00:42:49,260 --> 00:42:52,119
I'm just like...

924
00:42:52,139 --> 00:42:55,019
And they're like,
"Oh, Amy's been here."

925
00:43:00,199 --> 00:43:03,039
Cum is unsettling, isn't it?

926
00:43:03,059 --> 00:43:07,039
I don't say that
to shock you or--

927
00:43:07,059 --> 00:43:09,289
or get your attention--
Like, "Oh, no she didn't."

928
00:43:10,010 --> 00:43:13,039
Like, I'm just reminding
you that we're all disgusting.

929
00:43:13,059 --> 00:43:15,010
No one in here is better
than anyone else.

930
00:43:15,030 --> 00:43:18,059
Like, you've all caught
a hot load, you know?

931
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:22,219
Like, if that provides
you with discomfort,

932
00:43:22,239 --> 00:43:25,159
you're just looking
at it the wrong way.

933
00:43:25,179 --> 00:43:27,210
We need to be
nicer about cum.

934
00:43:27,230 --> 00:43:28,230
We really do.

935
00:43:28,250 --> 00:43:31,090
Cum gives us life, you know?

936
00:43:31,110 --> 00:43:34,280
Gandhi was cum.

937
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:39,000
Oprah-- cum.

938
00:43:39,019 --> 00:43:41,030
Oprah could have wound up
all over somebody's tits,

939
00:43:41,050 --> 00:43:44,239
but no...
we got Oprah.

940
00:43:44,260 --> 00:43:47,190
(cheers, whistles)

941
00:43:47,210 --> 00:43:49,039
Thank you, cum.

942
00:43:52,199 --> 00:43:56,059
And yes, it is sticky
and gross and no one ever

943
00:43:56,079 --> 00:44:00,059
wants it in their mouth
ever, ever, ever, but...

944
00:44:00,079 --> 00:44:04,000
we need to change
how we're thinking about it.

945
00:44:04,019 --> 00:44:07,030
It's not a wonderfully
regal moment

946
00:44:07,050 --> 00:44:10,050
as a woman
when you take a load.

947
00:44:10,070 --> 00:44:13,139
Um... when someone cums
in you, you're not like,

948
00:44:13,159 --> 00:44:16,000
"We can do it.
I'm glad I leaned in."

949
00:44:16,019 --> 00:44:17,210
It's not--

950
00:44:19,070 --> 00:44:22,219
But it's a fact of life.

951
00:44:22,239 --> 00:44:25,179
All the greatest women
have dealt with it, okay?

952
00:44:25,199 --> 00:44:27,130
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

953
00:44:31,199 --> 00:44:33,110
Diane Sawyer.

954
00:44:33,130 --> 00:44:37,050
Michelle Obama, who I love,
like the rest of us,

955
00:44:37,070 --> 00:44:40,000
probably once a week
has to carefully walk
to the bathroom.

956
00:44:40,019 --> 00:44:42,190
Just squish, squish,
squish, squish, squish,

957
00:44:42,210 --> 00:44:45,170
squish, squish, squish,
squish, squish, squish.

958
00:44:45,190 --> 00:44:47,289
It's the White House.
It's probably a long hallway.

959
00:44:48,010 --> 00:44:51,289
Squish, squish, squish,
squish, squish, squish.

960
00:44:52,010 --> 00:44:55,019
And with her perfect arms,
she has to deal with it.

961
00:44:55,039 --> 00:44:56,099
Just...

962
00:44:56,119 --> 00:45:00,039
"This is more than normal.
I wonder what's..."

963
00:45:00,059 --> 00:45:02,280
Barack's like,
"Get out here. I want
to talk about those e-mails."

964
00:45:03,010 --> 00:45:06,010
She's like, "I'm cleaning
out your troops right now."

965
00:45:12,030 --> 00:45:14,260
Yeah, I am labeled
a sex comic and...

966
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:18,239
I just think that sex
is explained incorrectly

967
00:45:18,260 --> 00:45:20,289
as far as men
and women's roles go.

968
00:45:21,010 --> 00:45:23,079
It's like, we're all told
over and over again,

969
00:45:23,099 --> 00:45:27,280
men love sex and women
just deal with it, right?

970
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:29,250
Like, every article,
every sitcom,

971
00:45:29,269 --> 00:45:31,230
it's always the guy
getting home from work like,

972
00:45:31,250 --> 00:45:34,059
"Honey, how about
tonight, huh?"

973
00:45:34,079 --> 00:45:40,199
And she's always like,
"Blah! You know I hate
your dick. Laundry, laundry."

974
00:45:44,179 --> 00:45:45,230
It's insane.

975
00:45:45,250 --> 00:45:47,099
I don't know
any girls like that.

976
00:45:47,119 --> 00:45:49,219
Every girl I know
likes having sex.

977
00:45:49,239 --> 00:45:51,030
I love having sex.

978
00:45:51,050 --> 00:45:53,239
Not a weird amount,
but like a normal person.

979
00:45:53,260 --> 00:45:55,269
All of my friend-- I mean,
one of them doesn't,

980
00:45:55,289 --> 00:45:57,139
but we think something,
like, happened to her.

981
00:45:57,159 --> 00:46:01,150
But... but you're made
to feel really disgusting

982
00:46:01,170 --> 00:46:03,230
and weird if you're a girl
who likes to have sex.

983
00:46:03,250 --> 00:46:05,210
Like, I've dated some guy--

984
00:46:05,230 --> 00:46:07,250
I would say 50%
in the relationships,

985
00:46:07,269 --> 00:46:10,239
I initiate the sex,
and then 50%
we don't have it.

986
00:46:10,260 --> 00:46:12,099
Um...

987
00:46:14,210 --> 00:46:16,079
No, but I've been
in relationships where

988
00:46:16,099 --> 00:46:17,280
it's always the dude,
like (grunts)

989
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:20,090
and then you, like, later
realize he was a sex addict,

990
00:46:20,110 --> 00:46:22,219
which-- Have you ever
dated a sex addict?

991
00:46:22,239 --> 00:46:25,199
It's so fun at first
when you don't know.

992
00:46:25,219 --> 00:46:30,210
You're like, "Am I the hottest
piece of ass in the world?"

993
00:46:30,230 --> 00:46:33,099
And then you're like,
"Oh, no, he would
fuck a mailbox."

994
00:46:33,119 --> 00:46:35,019
Um...

995
00:46:35,039 --> 00:46:37,000
Which is why
I'm dressed like this.

996
00:46:37,019 --> 00:46:40,000
Uh... but...

997
00:46:40,019 --> 00:46:42,250
And then, you know,
I've dated guys where I always

998
00:46:42,269 --> 00:46:44,289
have to initiate
and that's embarrassing.

999
00:46:45,010 --> 00:46:47,159
It's because I used to
fuck really dumb guys

1000
00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:50,059
and I miss that
so very, very much.

1001
00:46:50,079 --> 00:46:53,280
Dumb guys really pound you...

1002
00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:56,070
'cause they're dumb.

1003
00:46:58,099 --> 00:47:00,260
I love men, though.
I really do.

1004
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:02,059
I was on the subway
the other day

1005
00:47:02,079 --> 00:47:04,079
and I heard these two guys
having this conversation.

1006
00:47:04,099 --> 00:47:05,239
So there's two of them.
They're standing

1007
00:47:05,260 --> 00:47:07,130
on the subway
and they're like...

1008
00:47:07,150 --> 00:47:09,139
He's like,
"Dude, you gotta
go to this bar.

1009
00:47:09,159 --> 00:47:12,260
They give you chips as
soon as you sit down."

1010
00:47:15,079 --> 00:47:19,019
And the other guy goes,
"Yeah, but they don't
refill 'em, right?"

1011
00:47:21,269 --> 00:47:24,130
He's like,
"They refill 'em
the whole time.

1012
00:47:26,090 --> 00:47:27,250
He goes, "Sick!"

1013
00:47:27,269 --> 00:47:30,090
And then they were quiet
for, like, ten stops.

1014
00:47:30,110 --> 00:47:31,210
Just kinda like...

1015
00:47:35,030 --> 00:47:38,000
just, like, basking
in the great exchange.

1016
00:47:40,159 --> 00:47:42,230
I just-- I just
loved them, you know?

1017
00:47:42,250 --> 00:47:44,269
I just looked at them like,
"I want that.

1018
00:47:44,289 --> 00:47:47,079
Why can't that be me?"

1019
00:47:47,099 --> 00:47:49,030
'Cause you know,
if it had been two girls,

1020
00:47:49,050 --> 00:47:50,159
I would have been
looking, thinking,

1021
00:47:50,179 --> 00:47:55,219
"That's so cool that these
two special needs women...

1022
00:47:55,239 --> 00:47:58,190
found each other, you know?"

1023
00:48:02,150 --> 00:48:04,110
If it had been
me and a girlfriend

1024
00:48:04,130 --> 00:48:07,079
and I was like,
"They give you chips.

1025
00:48:07,099 --> 00:48:10,099
(laughter)

1026
00:48:17,159 --> 00:48:19,239
(cheers, applause)

1027
00:48:19,260 --> 00:48:21,230
They give you--"
you'd be like,

1028
00:48:21,250 --> 00:48:23,119
"Oh, my God,
where's their stop?

1029
00:48:23,139 --> 00:48:24,239
Like, don't they
have an attendant?"

1030
00:48:24,260 --> 00:48:26,000
You'd be worried.

1031
00:48:28,230 --> 00:48:31,000
But I like creative types.

1032
00:48:31,019 --> 00:48:32,159
I fucked up.
I got to an age,

1033
00:48:32,179 --> 00:48:36,150
I want to be
able to have a conversation
with someone, like an idiot,

1034
00:48:36,170 --> 00:48:39,250
and the creative types,
they're all... ugh,

1035
00:48:39,269 --> 00:48:41,130
like, comics and artists.

1036
00:48:41,150 --> 00:48:43,039
They all--
You have to treat

1037
00:48:43,059 --> 00:48:45,039
their dick like
a soufflé in the oven.

1038
00:48:45,059 --> 00:48:47,039
You can't make
a big motion

1039
00:48:47,059 --> 00:48:49,039
or loud noise near it
or it'll fall

1040
00:48:49,059 --> 00:48:52,000
and you have to start over
with a good attitude.

1041
00:48:52,019 --> 00:48:54,079
(grunts)

1042
00:48:57,280 --> 00:48:59,039
Is that how
you jerk someone off?

1043
00:48:59,059 --> 00:49:00,139
Am I doing it?

1044
00:49:02,090 --> 00:49:03,159
It's crazy.

1045
00:49:05,219 --> 00:49:07,230
Like, we--
It's crazy that we get--

1046
00:49:07,250 --> 00:49:09,139
we get guilted about this.

1047
00:49:09,159 --> 00:49:11,039
Like, women wanna cum.

1048
00:49:11,059 --> 00:49:12,230
Of course we wanna cum.

1049
00:49:12,250 --> 00:49:14,059
What girls are having sex

1050
00:49:14,079 --> 00:49:16,170
like, "Oh, no, I'm just--
I'm just honored to be

1051
00:49:16,190 --> 00:49:20,170
"witnessing your process.
I-- It's just so cool

1052
00:49:20,190 --> 00:49:22,289
"to be a part of--
No, I don't want to feel

1053
00:49:23,010 --> 00:49:25,110
"the one good thing
we're allowed as humans.

1054
00:49:25,130 --> 00:49:29,099
No, I-- This is just you.
Please, anywhere."

1055
00:49:29,119 --> 00:49:30,179
Um...

1056
00:49:32,000 --> 00:49:34,269
Make your girls cum, guys.

1057
00:49:34,289 --> 00:49:37,099
It's just
explained incorrectly.

1058
00:49:37,119 --> 00:49:38,110
It's just...

1059
00:49:38,130 --> 00:49:40,059
I remember
as a very young girl,

1060
00:49:40,079 --> 00:49:42,019
too young, it was
broken down for me.

1061
00:49:42,039 --> 00:49:43,130
It was like,
"Be careful, Amy.

1062
00:49:43,150 --> 00:49:45,250
"Men only want one thing.

1063
00:49:45,269 --> 00:49:47,159
They are all gonna
try and fuck you!"

1064
00:49:51,130 --> 00:49:52,219
I was like, "Okay."

1065
00:49:55,050 --> 00:49:56,219
And then I waited.

1066
00:50:03,099 --> 00:50:05,090
"Let's see.
Am I on the wrong street?

1067
00:50:05,110 --> 00:50:07,099
Are they..."

1068
00:50:08,239 --> 00:50:10,099
I do like talking about sex.

1069
00:50:10,119 --> 00:50:11,230
I like hearing
about it more.

1070
00:50:11,250 --> 00:50:14,159
Like, I love hearing
sex acts, you know?

1071
00:50:14,179 --> 00:50:17,210
There's, like, terms for all
those-- all that stuff.

1072
00:50:17,230 --> 00:50:20,269
Like, there's a...
the donkey punch, you know,

1073
00:50:20,289 --> 00:50:22,130
or, like,
the dirty Sanchez.

1074
00:50:22,150 --> 00:50:23,289
These are the ones--
the classics

1075
00:50:24,010 --> 00:50:25,110
we all grew
up with, right?

1076
00:50:25,130 --> 00:50:28,039
Those are, like,
the "To Kill a Mockingbird"

1077
00:50:28,059 --> 00:50:29,230
of sex terms.

1078
00:50:29,250 --> 00:50:33,000
But there are so many
that you've never heard of.

1079
00:50:33,019 --> 00:50:34,079
I love hearing new ones.

1080
00:50:34,099 --> 00:50:37,170
There's, like...
there's the dirty Rochester...

1081
00:50:37,190 --> 00:50:39,019
Did you ever hear of that?

1082
00:50:39,039 --> 00:50:44,030
Okay, that is where
the guy shits on your chest

1083
00:50:44,050 --> 00:50:46,210
while he's on a business
trip to Rochester.

1084
00:50:54,079 --> 00:50:56,139
Is that maybe
not really a thing

1085
00:50:56,159 --> 00:50:59,260
and I was perhaps lied to?

1086
00:51:02,170 --> 00:51:04,190
I love-- There--
there's the dolphin.

1087
00:51:04,210 --> 00:51:07,019
That's where the guy tries
to put it in the girl's butt

1088
00:51:07,039 --> 00:51:08,230
and she goes,
"Ehh-ehh, ehh-ehh."

1089
00:51:13,239 --> 00:51:16,010
That's, like,
a fun family one.

1090
00:51:20,130 --> 00:51:22,219
There's...

1091
00:51:22,239 --> 00:51:25,199
the Alaskan pipeline,
which, um...

1092
00:51:27,179 --> 00:51:31,030
a guy shits in a condom,
freezes it...

1093
00:51:31,050 --> 00:51:32,190
and then you know what?

1094
00:51:32,210 --> 00:51:33,230
I won't say
the end of it

1095
00:51:33,250 --> 00:51:35,239
'cause it doesn't end,
like, in a super romantic,

1096
00:51:35,260 --> 00:51:38,170
like, "Notebook"-y type way.

1097
00:51:38,190 --> 00:51:39,260
She doesn't like,
pull it out and find

1098
00:51:39,280 --> 00:51:42,110
a ring on it
and say, like, "Yes!"

1099
00:51:44,119 --> 00:51:46,119
There's no good one
for the girl.

1100
00:51:46,139 --> 00:51:48,239
There's no, like,
wacky Shirley where she sits

1101
00:51:48,260 --> 00:51:50,090
on his face
and reads her tweets,

1102
00:51:50,110 --> 00:51:51,130
like, there's nothing.

1103
00:51:51,150 --> 00:51:53,239
We have nothing.

1104
00:51:56,269 --> 00:51:59,059
Does anyone know one
that's good for the girl?
Anybody?

1105
00:51:59,079 --> 00:52:01,090
No, right?

1106
00:52:01,110 --> 00:52:02,159
I asked that--
I asked that

1107
00:52:02,179 --> 00:52:05,050
in the first show
and somebody said the minivan.

1108
00:52:05,070 --> 00:52:08,119
Two in the front,
five in the back, and...

1109
00:52:13,139 --> 00:52:17,079
I don't even know what
he was referring to, actually.

1110
00:52:18,289 --> 00:52:21,079
Do you guys know any?
I love hearing new ones.

1111
00:52:21,099 --> 00:52:23,099
Does anybody have-- Huh?

1112
00:52:23,119 --> 00:52:26,010
Man: The angry dragon.
The angry dragon?
What is that?

1113
00:52:26,030 --> 00:52:27,179
Um, basically, when you're--

1114
00:52:27,199 --> 00:52:30,130
When a girl
is sucking your dick--

1115
00:52:30,150 --> 00:52:31,219
When a girl
is sucking your dick--

1116
00:52:31,239 --> 00:52:33,190
Oh, my-- Wait, I love
how your girlfriend looks
right now.

1117
00:52:33,210 --> 00:52:35,289
She's like, "Please..."

1118
00:52:36,010 --> 00:52:38,260
You're his mom?
Oh, my God!

1119
00:52:53,019 --> 00:52:56,059
This is totally
your fault, Mom!

1120
00:52:56,079 --> 00:52:59,059
This beautiful boy you raised.

1121
00:52:59,079 --> 00:53:00,250
Well, let's hear the story
of how you were born.

1122
00:53:00,269 --> 00:53:01,269
Go ahead.

1123
00:53:03,190 --> 00:53:04,280
Angry dragon.

1124
00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:07,260
All right. Uh, basically
when you're about to climax,

1125
00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:10,190
when you're getting a blowjob,
you push her head--

1126
00:53:10,210 --> 00:53:12,280
When you're about to climax,
you push her head...

1127
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:14,289
You push her head
at the back of her--

1128
00:53:15,010 --> 00:53:16,110
I like that
he's acting it out.

1129
00:53:16,130 --> 00:53:20,260
Like, he's like,
"This is what
it looks like! Yes!"

1130
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:23,250
...and the jizz goes
up through the nose.

1131
00:53:23,269 --> 00:53:25,260
Up through the nose.

1132
00:53:25,280 --> 00:53:27,079
What's your name?

1133
00:53:29,289 --> 00:53:31,139
What is it? George?

1134
00:53:31,159 --> 00:53:32,150
Jordan.

1135
00:53:32,170 --> 00:53:34,010
Jordan, I think
you're grounded.

1136
00:53:34,030 --> 00:53:36,260
(laughter, cheers)

1137
00:53:41,059 --> 00:53:42,170
I love you, Mom.

1138
00:53:42,190 --> 00:53:44,150
Thank you for bringing him.

1139
00:53:44,170 --> 00:53:48,239
For raising him
into the perfect gentleman.

1140
00:53:48,260 --> 00:53:50,159
There's none that
are good for the girl.

1141
00:53:50,179 --> 00:53:53,079
There's one called the raccoon
where you just punch her

1142
00:53:53,099 --> 00:53:55,179
in both eyes
and knock over her trash.

1143
00:53:55,199 --> 00:53:58,019
Like, they're not...

1144
00:53:58,039 --> 00:54:00,090
That doesn't even make sense.

1145
00:54:05,210 --> 00:54:07,139
There's the Abraham Lincoln.

1146
00:54:07,159 --> 00:54:10,250
That's where he--
the guy trims his pubes,

1147
00:54:10,269 --> 00:54:14,289
cums on the girl's face,
and then... (blows)
throws the pubes...

1148
00:54:16,139 --> 00:54:18,250
so she has that facial hair.

1149
00:54:25,030 --> 00:54:26,250
You guys don't
like US history?

1150
00:54:26,269 --> 00:54:29,059
I can't gauge the crowd.

1151
00:54:29,079 --> 00:54:30,250
What's wrong?

1152
00:54:32,170 --> 00:54:34,090
The worst one
I've ever heard

1153
00:54:34,110 --> 00:54:37,250
is the Houdini,
which is where

1154
00:54:37,269 --> 00:54:40,110
the guy's having sex
with the girl from behind,

1155
00:54:40,130 --> 00:54:44,079
then unbeknownst to her,
his friend subs in for him.

1156
00:54:44,099 --> 00:54:46,230
Guy number one runs outside,

1157
00:54:46,250 --> 00:54:49,230
knocks on the window,
waves to the girl...

1158
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:56,219
which is just rape.

1159
00:54:56,239 --> 00:55:00,019
Like, that's just rape.

1160
00:55:00,039 --> 00:55:01,280
It's not fair to Houdini.

1161
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:05,030
Like, no girl is gonna
think that's hilarious.

1162
00:55:05,050 --> 00:55:06,210
No girl's gonna be
like, "What?

1163
00:55:06,230 --> 00:55:09,050
"Ahh!

1164
00:55:09,070 --> 00:55:14,019
(cheers, applause)

1165
00:55:14,039 --> 00:55:17,090
"Baby, I thought you were
fucking me, but it's Phil!

1166
00:55:17,110 --> 00:55:18,230
I love you!"

1167
00:55:18,250 --> 00:55:22,059
Thank you so much, Apollo!

1168
00:55:22,079 --> 00:55:23,090
Muah!

1169
00:55:23,110 --> 00:55:27,010
(whistling, cheering)

1170
00:55:35,150 --> 00:55:36,179
(rap music playing)

1171
00:55:36,199 --> 00:55:38,119
♪ Yo ♪

1172
00:55:38,139 --> 00:55:40,079
♪ Man ♪

1173
00:55:41,260 --> 00:55:44,039
♪ Man, uh ♪

1174
00:55:45,139 --> 00:55:46,230
♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪

1175
00:55:46,250 --> 00:55:48,199
♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪

1176
00:55:48,219 --> 00:55:51,230
♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪

1177
00:55:51,250 --> 00:55:53,050
♪ I beez in the trap ♪

1178
00:55:53,070 --> 00:55:54,260
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

1179
00:55:54,280 --> 00:55:56,099
♪ I beez in the trap ♪

1180
00:55:56,119 --> 00:55:58,000
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

1181
00:55:58,019 --> 00:55:59,170
♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪

1182
00:55:59,190 --> 00:56:01,130
♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪

1183
00:56:01,150 --> 00:56:04,170
♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪

1184
00:56:04,190 --> 00:56:05,280
♪ I beez in the trap ♪

1185
00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:07,190
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

1186
00:56:07,210 --> 00:56:09,039
♪ I beez in the trap ♪

1187
00:56:09,059 --> 00:56:10,280
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

1188
00:56:21,130 --> 00:56:25,019
Young Amy:
♪ Let me entertain you ♪

1189
00:56:25,039 --> 00:56:27,219
♪ Let me do a few tricks ♪

1190
00:56:27,239 --> 00:56:30,139
♪ Some old and then
some new tricks ♪

1191
00:56:30,159 --> 00:56:33,150
♪ I'm very versatile ♪

1192
00:56:33,170 --> 00:56:34,139
Man:
Mm-hmm.

1193
00:56:34,159 --> 00:56:36,170
♪ And if you're real good ♪

1194
00:56:36,190 --> 00:56:38,239
♪ I'll make you feel good ♪

1195
00:56:38,260 --> 00:56:42,269
♪ I want
your spirits to climb ♪

1196
00:56:42,289 --> 00:56:47,050
♪ So let me entertain you ♪

1197
00:56:47,070 --> 00:56:50,239
♪ And we'll have
a real good time, oh boy ♪

1198
00:56:50,260 --> 00:56:55,079
♪ And we'll have
a real good time ♪

1199
00:57:01,210 --> 00:57:02,260
Woman:
So easy!