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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[audience applauding, cheering]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[MC] Brooklyn, are you ready?
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[audience cheering]
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["Interlude" by Jay-Z playing]
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[MC] Give it up for Jo Koy!
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♪ Allow me to reintroduce myself ♪
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♪ My name is Hov (oh), H to the O-V ♪
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♪ I used to move snowflakes by the O-Z ♪
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♪ I guess even back then you can call me ♪
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♪ CEO of the R-O-C, Hov ♪
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♪ Fresh out the frying pan into the fire ♪
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♪ I be the music biz number one supplier ♪
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♪ Flier than a piece of paper
Bearing my name ♪
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♪ Got the hottest chick in the game
Wearing my chain... ♪
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Brooklyn!
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[audience cheering, applauding]
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Brooklyn, are you kidding me?
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[cheering continues]
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They asked me where do I want to do it.
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I was like, "There's only one place,
that's Brooklyn."
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I'm tellin' you right now.
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[audience cheering, applauding]
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If you look into the audience right now,
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you kinda see every single color,
and that's New York.
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[audience cheering]
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It started off way way back in the day
in New York
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where they just crammed everybody
onto this island
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and said, "Hey, fuck it, get along."
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- [audience laughing]
- [laughing]
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Then all of a sudden, this happened.
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I think the rest of the world
needs to learn a lesson.
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I just see this shit,
and it just makes me happy.
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I'm looking at everybody
and I'm like, "Oh shit."
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[audience applauding]
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It's kinda what we need right now.
Just laugh.
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I mean, fuck, man.
Everyone's so goddamn serious right now.
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Tired of being serious.
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I just wanna hang out with people
that wanna have fun. I just wanna laugh.
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I'm at that age now
where I just don't give a fuck.
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[audience cheering]
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Like, I'm tired of hanging out with people
that always wanna bring you fucking down.
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You know what I mean.
Like just negative motherfuckers.
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I call 'em Energy Vampires.
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[audience laughing]
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You know they just suck
the fucking energy out of you.
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But as humans,
we like to hang out with people like that
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cause we wanna make 'em happy.
It's our job. "Let's make 'em happy."
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"Let's hang out with them.
Let's take them out, make them happy."
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You do that for like eight hours.
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At the end, you're just like,
"That was fucking exhausting."
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[audience laughing]
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You know what I'm talkin' about?
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Some of you don't wanna laugh or respond
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'cause you brought
that motherfucker here tonight.
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[audience laughing]
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There's some of you listening right now,
and they just going...
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[mumbling]
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[laughing continues]
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Get rid of that motherfucker tonight.
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Break up with him tonight.
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That low-energy having motherfucker.
Get the fuck--
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You came to a comedy show just to have
a shitty fuckin' look on your face?
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Fuck you.
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Die. Bye.
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[audience cheering, laughing]
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Do it tonight in the parking lot
at the end of this...
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I swear to God! In the parking lot,
just be like, "You heard what he said."
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[audience laughing]
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"This is it. We're fucking done.
It's just done. You suck."
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That's why when I do my stand-up, I scout.
I walk back and forth, and I look.
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And I look for the ones that laugh big.
And that's the ones I focus on.
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I don't give a fuck about anybody else.
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I'm serious. Her, right there. She keeps...
Like she's got a fucking headache.
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Just...
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Right there.
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Every joke, fucking...
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fucking headache.
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I'm feeding off of your energy.
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Humans love to hang out with other humans
that are having a good time.
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It's infectious.
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Kinetic energy. We're really connected.
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We're connecting.
I couldn't care less about anybody else.
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There's another motherfucker
I like to look at.
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This Black guy right here.
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[audience laughing]
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Every time he laughs,
he takes his two fingers
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and pinch the tip of his fucking nose.
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Look, right there.
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Swear to God!
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You think I'm making that shit up?
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I saw it. I saw it.
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This motherfucker has sinus problems
every time I make him laugh.
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"Shit! This fucking joke, Koy!"
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I'm your Flonase.
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[audience laughing]
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When they laugh, they laugh hard.
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It feels good to laugh.
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That's God's medicine.
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When you laugh, it releases endorphins.
That's real shit.
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That's not make-believe.
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[audience cheering, laughing]
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God gave that to you.
When you laugh, it releases endorphins.
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Endorphins eat up
all that negative shit inside you.
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You're gonna live a long life.
You're gonna live a long life.
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You're gonna live a long life.
Are you with him?
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He's gonna live a long life.
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[audience laughing]
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He's gonna be around
for a long fucking time.
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His nose is gonna be running,
but he's gonna be around.
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[audience laughing]
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You gonna live a long life.
You, you're gonna live a long life. You.
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Feels good when those endorphins
get released, you just feel good.
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It's euphoric. The only way you get it
is through laughter.
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That's why I tell people,
"Laugh. It's free."
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Not tonight.
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[audience laughing]
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Not tonight.
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But tomorrow.
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Remember this shit tomorrow.
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And that's fucking free.
It's like to-go laughter.
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Take it home, you sneeze, sinuses.
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"Oh my God, that Black guy."
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[audience laughing]
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"That fucking Black guy."
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He's still fucking doing it.
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He's still fucking doing it.
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That's who you wanna hang out with.
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[mumbling] Believe me,
I'm scanning through.
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There's ones that aren't laughing,
just not smiling. Fuck 'em.
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They die tomorrow.
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[audience laughing]
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They die tomorrow.
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They could've lived,
but fuck 'em, they chose not to.
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They came to a comedy show
not to laugh. Fuck 'em.
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Die. Bye.
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Bye. I don't give a fuck.
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Bye.
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[laughing continues]
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[laughing]
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You know how many muscles it takes
to not laugh?
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You have to physically stop yourself
from laughing.
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All your muscles, just tight.
[smacking lips]
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[audience laughing]
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Asshole, tight.
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Your asshole is the tightest asshole
in this room.
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[smacking lips]
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Just little Raisinets
come out of your ass.
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[laughing continues]
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Can't even take a full shit
'cause your asshole's so tight.
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That's why everyone thinks
you're full of shit 'cause you really are.
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- [audience laughing, applauding]
- [smacking lips]
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His asshole's wide open.
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[audience laughing]
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Wide open.
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[blowing, grunting]
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[laughing] He's got a gaping asshole
from laughing.
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Oh shit, that's funny.
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[audience laughing]
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[laughing] Oh my God.
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It feels good to laugh.
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It does.
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Why wouldn't you wanna laugh,
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why do you wanna neglect yourself
from laughing? It feels so fucking good.
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You... You're addicted to it.
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Wait. You... You ever go to work late?
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You go to work late, and you see a bunch
of people in the break room laughing?
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What do you do? You start laughing
and walking towards them,
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"What? What? What? What? What?"
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They're laughing at you
'cause you're fucking late again.
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[mumbling]
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You wanna be part of that.
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You never walk towards
the miserable person, right?
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Fuck no! Stay away from that fucker.
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Get those people out of your goddamn life.
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Surround yourself with winners.
Surround yourself with real friends.
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Social media's fucked up everybody.
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They think everyone's their friend
'cause they're following you.
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They're not following
'cause they like you.
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Someone will follow you
'cause they wanna see you fuck up.
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You ever think about that shit?
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You ever do something really good
and post it,
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then... then your friends
you thought were your friends
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never say shit?
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They don't even like the goddamn picture.
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They act like they didn't see it.
You know they fucking saw it.
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You know they fucking saw it,
but they act like they didn't.
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Those aren't your friends.
Those are fucking crabs.
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Get rid of 'em. It's easy. Delete.
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[audience laughing]
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Delete. Delete. Delete.
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You'll end up with five friends.
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You'll end up with five friends.
It's probably your fucking family members.
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And two of them hate you too.
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[laughing continues]
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- What's your name?
- Larry.
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Larry. I fuckin' love you, Larry.
You laugh hard too.
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- It feels good, right?
- Right.
200
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- How old are you?
- Forty-six.
201
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Forty-six. See?
You have to ask Asians how old they are.
202
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,760
[audience laughing]
203
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:17,390
You have to ask Asians how old they are.
204
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I'm sorry. It's a respectful thing.
205
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Don't guess.
206
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Don't ever fucking guess.
207
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I thought he was young. He's old as fuck.
208
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[audience laughing]
209
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He's old as fuck.
210
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He's just younger than me
'cause he's a full-blown Asian.
211
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I'm half-white, so I got the...
I got the white part that was like...
212
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[growling, mumbling]
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The white...
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The white part was like,
"I'm gonna make you old."
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[laughing]
216
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Old as fuck.
217
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[laughing continues]
218
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I like you, Larry.
219
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- You got kids?
- Yep.
220
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Goddamn right. How many? Only one?
221
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Three? Goddamn!
222
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,350
[audience laughing]
223
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:02,560
How old are they?
224
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,979
Think about it. I'll come back.
225
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,940
Asians don't give a fuck
how old their kids are.
226
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:09,650
They don't give a fuck.
227
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:10,735
"How many?" "Three."
228
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,612
"How old?" "Who gives a fuck?"
229
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,988
[audience laughing]
230
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:15,615
"Who gives a fuck? I don't know."
231
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:17,658
"One, two, and three."
232
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:19,535
What?
233
00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:21,829
This fucking asshole looked up, like...
234
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:23,914
[audience laughing]
235
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:29,378
"Let me get back to you
on that one, Mr. Koy."
236
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:31,797
How old? Teenagers?
237
00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:34,967
- Uh, 15, 12, and five.
- Fifteen, twelve, and five. See?
238
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,678
It's our responsibility to remind them
239
00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:42,266
that this ship that they're in right now,
as beautiful as it is, this social media,
240
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we gotta remind them
that it's not fucking real.
241
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They're living in that time where they
don't know what's real and what's not.
242
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:52,610
Everything that they're taught
is in 15 fucking seconds.
243
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:55,529
Fifteen seconds!
They already know the Goddamn world.
244
00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:57,198
Fifteen seconds, they already know
245
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that Black people have a problem
with these people,
246
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,369
and white people fucking hate everybody.
247
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:03,663
And Asians wanna take over the world.
248
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:07,416
And th... All this in 15 seconds,
and our youth is watching this shit.
249
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And they're consuming it.
250
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They're taking that information in,
251
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,546
and that's what they base
their fucking truth on.
252
00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:16,425
And it's up to us to make them realize
that that's wrong. It's wrong.
253
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:19,178
You're not...
You need to go out and see shit.
254
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:22,139
Stop hiding in your shell
and letting social media tell you
255
00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:23,808
who's wrong and who's right.
256
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,893
Go out there
and fucking find out for yourself.
257
00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:27,103
If you come to Brooklyn,
258
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:30,690
I see white people, I see Asian people,
I see Black people,
259
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:34,902
and we fucking love to laugh
at the same fucking thing.
260
00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:36,987
[audience cheering, applauding]
261
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:45,746
So funny how they say social media
is supposed to help us socially,
262
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:46,831
but it doesn't.
263
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:50,793
You should call it anti-social media.
They don't hang out with anybody anymore.
264
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:54,296
These kids have no idea
how to walk up to someone and say "hi."
265
00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:57,466
They just slide into the DM
and send a fucking emoji.
266
00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:58,884
[audience laughing]
267
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:00,469
That's their pickup line.
268
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,223
A fucking eggplant
with shit squirting out of it.
269
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,308
[audience laughing]
270
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:11,772
If she doesn't respond, "Big deal."
271
00:12:12,773 --> 00:12:14,483
It's a numbers game for them.
272
00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:18,195
Happy face with heart eyes.
273
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,072
What the fuck is that?
274
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,742
There's no risk. There's no build-up.
275
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,910
You don't get your own confidence
from that, right?
276
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,746
When we-- What we had to do when--
277
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,373
Like especially me,
if I was interested in a girl,
278
00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:32,209
it was like five months
of just looking at her every day.
279
00:12:32,209 --> 00:12:34,295
[audience laughing]
280
00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:41,677
Dude, just fuckin'...
Just stains on the chest.
281
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,388
Food on the corner of the mouth.
282
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,058
"Go talk to her." "Hold on."
283
00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:50,102
[audience laughing]
284
00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:54,273
You finally walk up.
"I think you're really awesome."
285
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:57,818
"Bye!"
286
00:12:57,818 --> 00:12:59,904
[laughing continues]
287
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,698
[Jo laughing]
288
00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:05,117
And guess what happened?
289
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:06,202
Nothing.
290
00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:09,497
You go home, and you jerk off.
291
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,207
[audience laughing]
292
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:17,087
Crying, "Why did I say that to her?"
293
00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:20,257
"Why did I even say that to her?"
294
00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:21,842
[laughing continues]
295
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,639
[Jo laughing]
296
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:32,061
They got it good, you guys.
297
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,479
They really got it good.
298
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:37,483
Maybe we gotta take things away
and make them feel humble about stuff.
299
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:40,402
Like really humble them.
You know what I mean?
300
00:13:40,402 --> 00:13:41,779
They take these pictures.
301
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,156
Every single kid thinks
they're a goddamn photographer.
302
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,408
And here's the thing, so do we.
303
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:49,954
But I know the difference when I took
a picture and when they take a picture.
304
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:52,122
They take a picture, they have no idea.
305
00:13:52,122 --> 00:13:55,543
They've got so many shots of taking
a good-ass picture. Selfie!
306
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,461
Tik, tik, tik, tik, tik.
307
00:13:57,461 --> 00:14:00,047
You ever see someone...
[mimicking camera flickering]
308
00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:02,132
[audience laughing]
309
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:05,553
[mimicking continues]
310
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,348
Candid. Candid. Candid!
311
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:12,518
"How the fuck are you taking
a candid selfie!"
312
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:13,602
The fuck!
313
00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:16,438
- [mimicking continues]
- [audience laughing]
314
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,570
"Got it." "Got it!"
315
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:26,240
"You just took 1,000 pictures!
Of course, you got it!"
316
00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:31,078
"Filter. Filter. Filter. Stretch."
317
00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:32,913
"Stretch. Filter. Filter. Stretch."
318
00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:35,332
"Post. Caption: Crazy."
319
00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:36,375
[audience laughing]
320
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:38,586
What?
321
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:43,257
They show everybody. "Oh my God.
Look, everyone liked my picture."
322
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,467
"Look, 400 people liked my picture."
323
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:47,553
No one liked your goddamn picture.
324
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,722
No one liked your fucking picture.
325
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,266
People are just, just tapping it
and scrolling up.
326
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,852
That's all... They don't even look at it.
Just... scroll. Scroll.
327
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,854
No one looked at your fucking picture.
328
00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:00,733
When I was a kid, you liked my picture.
329
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:04,778
You had to like my picture
'cause I physically showed you my picture.
330
00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:06,864
[audience laughing]
331
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:10,200
"Look at that. Look at that."
"Oh my God! That's crazy!"
332
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,620
"Yeah, it's cool.
It's fucking cool, right?"
333
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:13,996
"Yeah. All right. Cool."
334
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,082
Maybe that's what we should do.
335
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,835
Give them a disposable camera.
You like, "Here you go."
336
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:22,463
"There you go.
Take your... take your selfies with that."
337
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:23,881
[audience laughing]
338
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:26,508
"You got... you got 12 shots, you better..."
339
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:32,097
"You got 12 shots, motherfucker. You bet...
You better make sure it's a good one."
340
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,434
Let's see them try and get everybody
in the frame.
341
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:39,188
[giggles] And still,
wait for the flash battery to charge up.
342
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,398
[mimicking old camera build up]
343
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:43,776
"Why did you fucking look?"
344
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:47,988
"It's a gawk! I gotta charge it again,
you fucking asshole!"
345
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,824
[mimicking old camera build up]
346
00:15:50,824 --> 00:15:51,909
[groaning]
347
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:58,874
Then you gotta... Then you gotta take it...
Then you gotta take it to a...
348
00:15:58,874 --> 00:16:00,459
You had to develop it.
349
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:04,046
You have to... You put it in an envelope
and write your name,
350
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:08,008
and you give it to some stranger.
"Here, personal pictures of me."
351
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:10,094
[audience laughing]
352
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:14,223
And then it's a week... It takes a week
for that picture to come back.
353
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:17,810
And for a whole week, you're like,
"I hope those motherfuckers came out."
354
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,854
"I hope one or two came out."
355
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:22,773
Then you go pick up your pictures.
356
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,818
You get 'em developed.
You're like, "Nope. Nope. Fuck, nope."
357
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,404
"Out of focus. Shit. Goddamn it."
358
00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:29,405
"Red eyes?"
359
00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:31,448
[audience laughing]
360
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:34,034
"Fucking red eyes."
361
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,121
And then one comes out good.
362
00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:39,415
One. You're like, "Yes! Got it."
363
00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:41,500
And then you go, "Can I get duplicates?"
364
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,627
[audience laughing]
365
00:16:44,628 --> 00:16:45,754
Ask these kids now.
366
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:49,049
Ever since they took that away
and all we have are the camera phones,
367
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:51,677
these kids don't even know what an orb is.
368
00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:53,971
Ask a fucking teenager what an orb is.
369
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:56,473
They have no idea
what we're talking about. [mumbles]
370
00:16:56,473 --> 00:16:59,018
An orb is when you get
your picture developed,
371
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,270
and in the picture,
there's a circle of light
372
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,105
hovering over somebody in the picture.
373
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:05,024
Guess what my mom thought that was.
374
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,317
[in Asian accent] "Your lola came
to the Christmas party."
375
00:17:07,317 --> 00:17:08,986
[audience laughing]
376
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:12,489
"Your lola came
to the Christmas party, Joseph."
377
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,242
"She came to the Christmas party."
378
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,745
"She's by the potato salad, Joseph."
379
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:22,708
"That's her recipe.
She made your potato salad."
380
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:25,711
"For Christ's sake, Joseph!
She loved you so much, Joseph."
381
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:31,550
It was a dirty lens.
382
00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:34,470
It was a dirty lens!
383
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,930
We put that picture on the altar
for six months.
384
00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:39,016
[audience laughing]
385
00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:45,397
I don't know, I guess I'm at that age.
I keep saying that, but I am.
386
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:49,651
I, physically and mentally,
have become my dad. It's so weird.
387
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:54,031
And I think we all morph into that.
We all eventually morph into that shit.
388
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:57,576
So, I'm just saying watch.
All you young fuckers, it's gonna happen.
389
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:02,748
Shit's gonna start breaking down,
you gonna start saying some old shit.
390
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:06,335
You don't even know why.
I said "neat" in the car the other day.
391
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,212
[audience laughing]
392
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:10,172
My son immediately called me out on that.
393
00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:12,174
Like "Yo! Look at that building.
That's neat."
394
00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:14,009
He goes,
"Did you just fucking say 'neat'?"
395
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,887
And I was like, "Oh my God, I did."
396
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:18,972
My dad used to say shit like...
397
00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:22,351
Like, when I was a kid in the '80s,
I was a B-boy.
398
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,269
I was listening to everything.
399
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:28,440
I was listening to Doug E. Fresh,
Slick Rick, Beastie Boys. Doing all that.
400
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,151
My dad was like, "Oh, you're listenin'
to that hippity-hoppity?"
401
00:18:31,151 --> 00:18:32,486
[audience laughing]
402
00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:37,032
"Huh? You think that's music?
That hippity-hoppity, hip-hippity?"
403
00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:40,953
"That's a fad. You need to listen
to real music, not that hippity-hoppity."
404
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,622
Now he's pissed me off.
I'm like, "Fuck you, Dad."
405
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:46,458
"This is the shit,
the music of the future. You know."
406
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:50,212
"Oh, we'll see. We'll see."
And I was right. I was fucking right.
407
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,506
[audience cheering]
408
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:53,674
I was right.
409
00:18:55,509 --> 00:19:00,222
But now, now, hip-hop has moved on
to some other shit.
410
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:02,307
And now I'm sounding like my dad
'cause I'm like,
411
00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:04,101
"You're listening to that mumbly-mumbly?"
412
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:05,185
[audience laughing]
413
00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:08,480
"You're listening to that mumbly-mumbly?
They don't even say words."
414
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,023
Mumble. Mumble. Mumble.
415
00:19:10,023 --> 00:19:12,526
Stupid, mumble, mumble, mumble word.
416
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:14,403
Mumble, mumble, mumble word.
417
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:19,199
My son's like, "Shut up, Dad.
Your music sucks."
418
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:22,369
And that, that pissed me off
because I know I'm right.
419
00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:24,997
"Don't you fucking say my..."
420
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:29,459
"Don't you fucking compare your rap
to my rap. You can't..."
421
00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,962
[audience cheering, applauding]
422
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:36,800
They're poets. They were fucking poets.
423
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,011
They were lyricists. They... they moved.
424
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,263
I mean, Biggie died 30 years ago.
425
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:45,184
To this day, you play a Biggie song,
and it still shuts down the club.
426
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,810
Don't act like it doesn't.
427
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:48,854
[audience cheering, applauding]
428
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:51,523
Fucking...
429
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:54,026
Don't get me wrong.
The mumble rap is catchy,
430
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,612
but I'm just saying,
what the fuck are you saying?
431
00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,697
[audience laughing]
432
00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:02,159
[mumbled rap]
433
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:03,911
♪ ...lifestyle... ♪
434
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,120
[audience laughing]
435
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:08,415
Just fucking mumbled
and then said one word! Fuck you!
436
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,709
[mumbled rap]
437
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,169
♪ ...lifestyle... ♪
438
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,670
[audience laughing]
439
00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:16,340
[mumbled rap continues]
440
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:22,721
Shut the fuck up!
441
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:24,097
I'm sorry.
442
00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:26,183
[audience cheering, applauding]
443
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:31,146
There's some people
that don't know what song...
444
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,357
Play that. Turb, can you play it?
Just play it.
445
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,442
["Lyfestyle" by Nyce playing]
446
00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:38,278
[mumbled rap]
447
00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:39,863
♪ ...lifestyle... ♪
448
00:20:39,863 --> 00:20:41,114
[audience laughing]
449
00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:43,784
[mumbled rap]
450
00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:45,869
♪ ...my lifestyle... ♪
451
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,914
[mumbled rap]
452
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:50,999
♪ ...beginnin'... ♪
453
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,585
[mumbled rap]
454
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,504
Shut the fuck up!
455
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:57,589
Shut the fuck...
456
00:20:57,589 --> 00:20:59,633
[audience cheering, applauding]
457
00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:04,304
If I sound old, I sound old.
458
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:08,684
But I'm sorry, you play some Biggie,
and it'll shut any fucking place down.
459
00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:09,851
Play some Biggie.
460
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:12,187
["Hypnotize"
by The Nortorious B.I.G. playing]
461
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:15,774
Sing it!
462
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:17,317
♪ Hah, sicker than your average ♪
463
00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:20,862
♪ Poppa twist cabbage off instinct
Niggas don't think shit stink ♪
464
00:21:20,862 --> 00:21:23,031
♪ Pink gators, my Detroit players ♪
465
00:21:23,031 --> 00:21:25,367
♪ Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn... ♪
466
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:26,576
Stop! What?
467
00:21:26,576 --> 00:21:29,204
[audience cheering, applauding]
468
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:36,169
♪ Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn... ♪
469
00:21:36,169 --> 00:21:37,754
What the fuck!
470
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:42,009
That's the only reason why I wanted
to shoot this special in Brooklyn.
471
00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:44,094
[audience cheering, applauding]
472
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:48,098
You couldn't fuck with Biggie.
473
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,309
Biggie made anything sound cool.
474
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:53,020
If he breathed heavy,
that shit was a lyric.
475
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,396
[breathing heavily]
476
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:56,481
[audience laughing]
477
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:58,317
[breathing heavily]
478
00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:01,445
Whatever he said made sense.
He was a poet.
479
00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:02,821
"And if you didn't know..."
480
00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:04,031
[audience] "...now you know!"
481
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:06,742
Get the fuck out, Brooklyn! Let's go!
482
00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:08,827
[audience cheering, applauding]
483
00:22:11,621 --> 00:22:13,707
I love it. I love it. I love it.
484
00:22:13,707 --> 00:22:15,417
This is so much goddamn fun.
485
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:19,504
I know I keep talking about this age shit,
but it's true.
486
00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:20,547
I'm in that age now
487
00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:23,508
where things are starting to tighten up
and not feel good.
488
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:24,801
[audience laughing]
489
00:22:24,801 --> 00:22:27,596
Hangovers are longer now.
It's not just a day.
490
00:22:28,221 --> 00:22:29,639
That shit's four to five.
491
00:22:29,639 --> 00:22:31,350
[audience laughing]
492
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:32,642
[laughing]
493
00:22:32,642 --> 00:22:36,438
That's why all you young kids in there,
enjoy it. Enjoy it.
494
00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:39,483
Drinking all the time,
eating fucked-up shit,
495
00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:40,567
it's gonna catch up.
496
00:22:41,318 --> 00:22:42,652
Milk? Ah!
497
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:46,698
Eat that fucking milk.
All you kids, eat it. [grumbling]
498
00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:49,326
Gallon after gallon, cereal. [gnawing]
499
00:22:49,326 --> 00:22:51,745
I... Oh, I love that shit.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch!
500
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:54,706
I'd eat three bowls
of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at midnight.
501
00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:57,000
Three bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!
[gnawing]
502
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,420
And then you drink the milk.
It's horchata. It turns into horchata.
503
00:23:00,420 --> 00:23:02,506
- [gnawing]
- [audience applauding]
504
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:07,010
Not anymore.
505
00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:09,513
I'm lactose intolerant.
506
00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:11,306
What the fuck?
507
00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:13,058
When did that happen?
508
00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:15,852
All of a sudden, milk is poison.
509
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:17,813
I'm lactose intol...
510
00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:20,273
Guess when I found out
I was lactose intolerant?
511
00:23:20,273 --> 00:23:21,400
On a date.
512
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,442
[audience laughing]
513
00:23:22,442 --> 00:23:24,069
On a fucking date.
514
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:25,987
Everything's going good, I order dessert,
515
00:23:25,987 --> 00:23:28,073
she's like,
"Let's share." I'm like, "Yeah."
516
00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:30,033
Apple pie, à la mode. We eat it.
517
00:23:30,033 --> 00:23:32,494
I took half the ice cream.
Everything's going good.
518
00:23:32,494 --> 00:23:34,496
I'm driving home. Everything's going good.
519
00:23:34,496 --> 00:23:37,124
I'm looking at her like,
"Ooh, it's gonna happen tonight."
520
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:39,501
I'm driving. "Gonna get some tonight."
521
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:41,336
And then my stomach's like,
"No, it's not."
522
00:23:41,336 --> 00:23:42,838
[mimicking stomach rumbling]
523
00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:48,468
[mimicking continues]
524
00:23:50,053 --> 00:23:52,055
[audience laughing]
525
00:23:57,310 --> 00:23:58,770
"Fucking brakes."
526
00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:01,189
The brakes!
527
00:24:01,189 --> 00:24:03,108
I blamed it on the brakes.
528
00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:07,320
Nothing's gonna happen. Done.
529
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,823
I'm not taking her home.
Nothing's gonna happen.
530
00:24:09,823 --> 00:24:12,534
She's not gonna suck my dick
with a T-Rex in my stomach.
531
00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:14,411
Imagine that shit.
She's like, "Oh my God."
532
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:16,955
- [mimicking stomach rumbling]
- [audience laughing]
533
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:27,632
[mimicking continues]
534
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:29,468
I... I thought it was the brakes.
535
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:31,553
[audience laughing]
536
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:36,683
I can't drink milk.
537
00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:40,145
I miss milk. I miss it so much.
538
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:42,522
I still try and trick myself at night.
539
00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:45,901
Late at night, I'll have a bowl of cereal,
trying to eat it fast.
540
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,612
If I eat it real fast, I'll fall asleep.
541
00:24:48,612 --> 00:24:51,656
Maybe my brain won't register.
Like, it won't know.
542
00:24:51,656 --> 00:24:53,074
[grumbling]
543
00:24:53,074 --> 00:24:53,992
Then fall asleep.
544
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:57,329
Then my asshole's like,
"Hey, man, there's some poison."
545
00:24:57,996 --> 00:25:01,333
"We're gonna release this poison
right now while you're sleeping."
546
00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:03,001
"There you go, Mr. Koy."
547
00:25:03,001 --> 00:25:04,836
[audience laughing]
548
00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:08,757
[Jo laughing]
549
00:25:11,718 --> 00:25:14,346
Just found out two years ago,
I got sciatica.
550
00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:16,890
Whoa. What the fuck!
551
00:25:16,890 --> 00:25:19,893
I didn't even know I had sciatica.
It just happened.
552
00:25:19,893 --> 00:25:23,063
And there's young people
in here go, "What the fuck is 'Sciatica'?"
553
00:25:23,605 --> 00:25:25,065
"Is that on Spotify?"
554
00:25:25,065 --> 00:25:26,608
[audience laughing]
555
00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:30,111
I got sciatica.
556
00:25:30,111 --> 00:25:34,533
All of a sudden, my sciatic nerve
just locked up. It just stopped.
557
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:37,619
Doesn't work anymore.
My sciatic nerve. Yeah!
558
00:25:37,619 --> 00:25:39,496
And I got it. And I know. Heres the thing.
559
00:25:39,496 --> 00:25:41,414
I know other people got sciatica.
560
00:25:41,414 --> 00:25:44,960
That's the cool thing about sciatica.
We're like a gang. Sciatica...
561
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,753
Sciatica recognizes sciatica.
562
00:25:46,753 --> 00:25:49,839
You don't have to raise your hand.
I fucking know. I can tell.
563
00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:52,592
I know who has sciatica.
Just look at the person...
564
00:25:52,592 --> 00:25:55,720
You, especially! You're sitting sideways.
565
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,430
[audience laughing]
566
00:25:57,430 --> 00:26:00,267
Motherfucker's sitting like
he's sliding into second.
567
00:26:04,604 --> 00:26:06,731
I didn't even know I had sciatica.
568
00:26:07,274 --> 00:26:09,109
I didn't know it was really bad
569
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:11,736
until I shot my last special,
Live at the Forum. That's when...
570
00:26:11,736 --> 00:26:13,196
I was editing it.
571
00:26:13,196 --> 00:26:16,575
I was looking at myself, like,
"What the fuck is wrong with my walk?"
572
00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:19,995
Like, I remember that my leg hurt
when we were taping it,
573
00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:23,373
but I didn't know it affected my walk
until I was editing the special.
574
00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,625
I'm like, "What the fuck is wrong
with my walk?"
575
00:26:26,334 --> 00:26:29,504
If you can go home tonight
and just watch it, just the beginning,
576
00:26:29,504 --> 00:26:31,590
when they go,
"Ladies and gentlemen, Jo Koy."
577
00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:33,800
I'm like, "What's up, Los Angeles?"
578
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,677
[audience laughing]
579
00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:44,269
What the fuck!
580
00:26:44,811 --> 00:26:47,981
What... what is wrong with my walk?
581
00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:52,652
I had to go to a doctor
to see what was wrong with my leg.
582
00:26:53,361 --> 00:26:56,156
By the way,
if there's a doctor in here tonight...
583
00:26:56,865 --> 00:26:58,867
Yes, bring your compassion back.
584
00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:01,244
[audience laughing]
585
00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:03,204
[audience applauding]
586
00:27:06,374 --> 00:27:08,835
She was like, ah... Oh.
587
00:27:08,835 --> 00:27:11,004
[audience laughing]
588
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:13,757
Don't know what it is with doctors.
They just lost that compassion.
589
00:27:13,757 --> 00:27:16,635
All of a sudden,
they treat their patients like customers.
590
00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:19,179
I'm not saying you do.
You seem like a happy person.
591
00:27:19,179 --> 00:27:22,098
But I'm just saying,
fuckin' wheel it back.
592
00:27:22,098 --> 00:27:24,851
Delivering bad news
like it's matter of fact.
593
00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:27,187
Like, stop. We have feelings too.
594
00:27:28,438 --> 00:27:30,899
Went to this doctor.
"Don't know what's goin' on with my leg,
595
00:27:30,899 --> 00:27:34,319
but my right leg just keeps locking up.
I don't even play sports."
596
00:27:34,319 --> 00:27:36,404
[audience laughing]
597
00:27:36,404 --> 00:27:39,199
It hurts right here,
from my hip to my knee.
598
00:27:39,199 --> 00:27:42,744
He goes, "That's your sciatic nerve.
Early stages of sciatica."
599
00:27:42,744 --> 00:27:45,163
He goes, "You need to stretch
your IT band out."
600
00:27:45,163 --> 00:27:48,416
"Okay. You need to stretch your IT.
Do you have a foam roller at home?"
601
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:51,795
I go, "You think I have the cure
602
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,839
when I just found out
what the fuck is wrong with me right now?"
603
00:27:54,839 --> 00:27:56,299
[audience laughing]
604
00:28:01,721 --> 00:28:04,224
"Oh my God. Mr. Koy, I'm sorry. Yes, I..."
605
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:08,895
"You go to any sporting goods store
and get yourself a foam roller,
606
00:28:08,895 --> 00:28:09,938
lay it on the ground,
607
00:28:09,938 --> 00:28:12,607
put it between your hip and knee
and roll back and forth."
608
00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:16,069
"It's gonna be very painful, it's gonna be
very painful but do it a lot."
609
00:28:16,069 --> 00:28:18,947
"It'll relieve all that pressure.
Stretch that IT band out there."
610
00:28:18,947 --> 00:28:20,865
"You probably have a lot
of lower back pain."
611
00:28:20,865 --> 00:28:22,992
I go, "I do.
I got a lot of lower back pain."
612
00:28:22,992 --> 00:28:25,286
He goes, "It's gonna relieve
all that pressure."
613
00:28:25,286 --> 00:28:27,956
"And normally, it affects the buttocks."
614
00:28:28,998 --> 00:28:30,458
"But I notice you don't have one."
615
00:28:30,458 --> 00:28:32,544
[audience laughing]
616
00:28:37,966 --> 00:28:41,261
"You're just gonna say that
like that's not gonna hurt my feelings?"
617
00:28:42,095 --> 00:28:45,056
He goes, "Oh my God!
Mr. Koy, I'm sorry about that.
618
00:28:45,056 --> 00:28:48,977
"I didn't mean to say it like that. Um...
Does your buttocks hurt?"
619
00:28:48,977 --> 00:28:50,395
[audience laughing]
620
00:28:50,395 --> 00:28:52,188
And I go, "No."
621
00:28:53,356 --> 00:28:54,190
And he goes,
622
00:28:54,190 --> 00:28:55,400
"Exactly."
623
00:28:56,860 --> 00:28:58,278
"'Cause you don't have one."
624
00:28:58,278 --> 00:28:59,904
[audience laughing]
625
00:29:01,114 --> 00:29:03,408
[laughing] And that fucked me up.
626
00:29:04,075 --> 00:29:05,785
That hurt me. That crushed me.
627
00:29:05,785 --> 00:29:10,248
I want every woman to know this now,
guys don't care about their asses.
628
00:29:10,248 --> 00:29:13,168
We don't give a shit.
Whatever ass we have is the ass we have.
629
00:29:13,168 --> 00:29:16,546
We don't wake up on Wednesday and go,
"Ass day! Let me get to the gym."
630
00:29:16,546 --> 00:29:18,923
We don't give a shit.
We don't do crunches.
631
00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:20,925
We don't do squats. We don't do anything.
632
00:29:20,925 --> 00:29:22,969
The ass we got is the ass we got.
633
00:29:22,969 --> 00:29:24,929
But now, my ego's shot
634
00:29:24,929 --> 00:29:29,184
because a certified medical technician
that knows what an ass looks like
635
00:29:29,976 --> 00:29:31,561
can't find one on my body.
636
00:29:31,561 --> 00:29:33,938
[audience laughing]
637
00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:36,691
He just looked behind me
and went, "Ooh, pockets."
638
00:29:36,691 --> 00:29:38,401
[audience laughing]
639
00:29:39,486 --> 00:29:43,573
So now I'm driving home fucked up.
Like, "I gotta have a something."
640
00:29:44,282 --> 00:29:47,076
"I don't have an ass.
I don't have any ass at all."
641
00:29:47,076 --> 00:29:49,496
"I gotta have something.
I gotta have a little ass."
642
00:29:49,496 --> 00:29:51,873
"There's no way I don't have any ass."
643
00:29:52,582 --> 00:29:55,043
And I go home, and I swear to God,
644
00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:58,004
this is the first time
I ever looked at my ass.
645
00:29:58,004 --> 00:30:00,632
I never looked
at my own ass before. I swear!
646
00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:03,426
I'm like, "I gotta have something."
I took all my shit off,
647
00:30:03,426 --> 00:30:06,221
stood in front of my long mirror,
and I went like this.
648
00:30:06,221 --> 00:30:08,306
[audience laughing]
649
00:30:11,309 --> 00:30:12,811
And I don't have an ass.
650
00:30:13,937 --> 00:30:15,814
I don't have an ass. Nothing.
651
00:30:16,397 --> 00:30:17,816
I have a long back.
652
00:30:17,816 --> 00:30:18,942
[audience laughing]
653
00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:21,236
I have a really long back.
654
00:30:21,236 --> 00:30:23,988
And then there's a butthole
right at the bottom of it.
655
00:30:23,988 --> 00:30:26,032
[laughing continues]
656
00:30:26,032 --> 00:30:27,909
There's a butthole at the bottom of it.
657
00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:30,745
My ass is hairy,
so it looks like a welcome mat
658
00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:33,748
with an asshole dangling
from my spinal cord.
659
00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:37,919
And I just went... [gagging]
660
00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:39,254
[audience laughing]
661
00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:42,882
[gagging] I just got a set of legs
going into my shoulders.
662
00:30:43,383 --> 00:30:45,385
What the fuck is that?
663
00:30:45,927 --> 00:30:46,845
[gagging]
664
00:30:48,137 --> 00:30:49,430
And right at that moment,
665
00:30:49,430 --> 00:30:51,766
I started thinking about
every girl that dated me.
666
00:30:51,766 --> 00:30:54,477
I'm like,
"How the fuck did they stay with me?"
667
00:30:54,978 --> 00:30:56,437
This is horrific.
668
00:30:56,437 --> 00:30:58,982
The minute we hooked up,
the first time we hooked up,
669
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:00,400
she should have left.
670
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,736
Every girl I had been with
should've fucking ran for the hills.
671
00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:05,405
'Cause I talk shit when I hook up.
672
00:31:05,405 --> 00:31:08,116
Like, "I'm going to the bathroom.
I'll be back for seconds."
673
00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:10,118
I walk to the bathroom
and my ass was like,
674
00:31:10,118 --> 00:31:14,914
"We'll be right back. That's right.
Keep that pussy wet, baby girl."
675
00:31:14,914 --> 00:31:18,626
"We'll be right back, baby.
We'll fuck that pussy, baby."
676
00:31:18,626 --> 00:31:20,712
[audience laughing]
677
00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:23,840
[gagging]
678
00:31:24,757 --> 00:31:27,010
[gagging] How?
679
00:31:27,010 --> 00:31:28,803
How the fuck did she stay?
680
00:31:29,762 --> 00:31:32,390
And now... and now,
I'm talking to every guy in here.
681
00:31:32,390 --> 00:31:35,727
If you're dating a lady
or if you're married to a woman,
682
00:31:35,727 --> 00:31:39,314
you better cherish her
'cause she loves you for you.
683
00:31:39,314 --> 00:31:42,609
Your soul, your brain,
that's what she's in love with.
684
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:45,612
It's not you, physically. I swear to God.
685
00:31:45,612 --> 00:31:48,573
It's not you.
She loves you, the inside, your soul.
686
00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:51,659
That's what she loves. Remember that shit.
I'm telling you right now.
687
00:31:51,659 --> 00:31:54,287
There's good-looking guys here like,
"You ain't talkin' to me."
688
00:31:54,287 --> 00:31:57,206
Fuck you. You too. You too.
689
00:31:57,206 --> 00:32:00,418
You too. You have a cute face
till you take your clothes off,
690
00:32:00,418 --> 00:32:02,879
and then you look like a melted candle.
691
00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:04,130
Just fuckin'... [grumbling]
692
00:32:04,130 --> 00:32:07,342
You got a red mole
with a fuckin' hair stickin' out of it.
693
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:08,259
[gagging]
694
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:10,345
[audience laughing]
695
00:32:12,597 --> 00:32:15,642
I like to wear Polo underwear.
That's my favorite underwear.
696
00:32:15,642 --> 00:32:19,020
It's the same one. On the back,
on the waistband it says,
697
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,647
"Polo by Ralph Lauren."
698
00:32:20,647 --> 00:32:23,274
In the front, my stomach pushes it over
and it says...
699
00:32:23,274 --> 00:32:25,068
[mumbling]
700
00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:26,361
[audience laughing]
701
00:32:28,529 --> 00:32:30,698
[mumbling]
702
00:32:30,698 --> 00:32:31,991
That's what the fuck it says.
703
00:32:31,991 --> 00:32:34,619
Doesn't look anything like
the goddamn package.
704
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:36,704
[mumbling]
705
00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:40,124
I know there's guys in here
that know what I'm talking about.
706
00:32:40,124 --> 00:32:42,585
It doesn't say "Hanes," it says "Nanes."
707
00:32:43,503 --> 00:32:46,673
Yeah, you, motherfucker. You. You.
708
00:32:46,673 --> 00:32:48,925
You. Every fucking guy in here tonight.
709
00:32:48,925 --> 00:32:50,760
It's gonna happen tonight, isn't it?
710
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,262
All those endorphins
are going through her body.
711
00:32:53,262 --> 00:32:55,139
And guess what,
she's gonna suck that dick.
712
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:59,769
That dick that's sitting right on top of...
that belly that's on top of your dick.
713
00:32:59,769 --> 00:33:03,690
She's gonna lift that... that hairy,
that fucking hairy...
714
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:07,694
that hairy fucking belly
that's pushing your dick down.
715
00:33:08,361 --> 00:33:10,738
Your beautiful lady is gonna lift it up
and go,
716
00:33:10,738 --> 00:33:12,615
"I'm gonna suck this dick tonight."
717
00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:15,952
"I'm gonna suck that. I'm gonna suck
a bear's dick tonight."
718
00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:18,454
"I'm gonna suck this bears's dick tonight,
ain't I?"
719
00:33:18,454 --> 00:33:22,083
"Make the sound, or I'm not gonna
suck today. Make the sound!"
720
00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:23,668
Then you gotta go... [growling]
721
00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:25,503
Yeah. [growling]
722
00:33:25,503 --> 00:33:27,588
[audience laughing]
723
00:33:32,093 --> 00:33:34,846
"Fucking lint!
Is that lint in your belly button?"
724
00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:37,306
"I'm gonna suck.
Make the sound, or I'm not gonna suck."
725
00:33:37,306 --> 00:33:39,100
[growling] Yeah. Ra-ra-ra.
726
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:41,185
[audience laughing]
727
00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:47,150
[laughing]
728
00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:50,236
Now... you know what's crazy?
729
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:53,823
Now I fall under the category of "zaddy."
730
00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:56,784
I'm a fucking zaddy. Look. Look. Look.
731
00:33:56,784 --> 00:33:58,077
[squeaking]
732
00:33:58,077 --> 00:33:59,996
You're all cheering. Stop it.
733
00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:04,792
Stop. I'm not falling for it.
There's guys that fall for that shit.
734
00:34:04,792 --> 00:34:08,921
Go to Instagram, go, go, go online.
You'll see. You'll see #zaddy.
735
00:34:08,921 --> 00:34:11,424
Click that hashtag,
you'll see guys that look like me.
736
00:34:11,424 --> 00:34:13,342
Just fucking stupid poses like...
737
00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:15,970
But then in... [laughing]
738
00:34:16,804 --> 00:34:19,974
Then in the comment section
you'll see, "Ooh, zaddy."
739
00:34:19,974 --> 00:34:22,894
"Okay, zaddy. Look at you, zaddy."
740
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:26,981
I ain't falling for that shit.
I ain't falling for it.
741
00:34:26,981 --> 00:34:28,524
You're not ready for zaddy.
742
00:34:28,524 --> 00:34:31,235
If you're in your twenties,
stay in your fucking twenties.
743
00:34:31,235 --> 00:34:33,780
If you're in your thirties,
stay in your thirties.
744
00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:37,283
You're not ready for zaddy.
Zaddy's a special kinda fucking dude.
745
00:34:37,283 --> 00:34:39,911
"Oh, but I wanna be with zaddy
'cause he'll take care of me."
746
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:42,538
You need to take care
of fucking zaddy too.
747
00:34:43,581 --> 00:34:45,208
Zaddy got sciatica.
748
00:34:46,125 --> 00:34:49,212
The fuck you talking about?
You're not ready for zaddy.
749
00:34:49,212 --> 00:34:52,548
What happens if we hook up
and I forget my CPAP machine?
750
00:34:53,299 --> 00:34:55,218
What the fuck are you gonna do?
751
00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:57,637
We hook up
and I don't have my CPAP machine.
752
00:34:57,637 --> 00:34:59,347
I'm laying there and just...
753
00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:01,307
[audience laughing]
754
00:35:01,307 --> 00:35:03,392
[grumbling]
755
00:35:03,976 --> 00:35:05,520
You're like, "Zaddy!"
756
00:35:06,646 --> 00:35:08,314
"What's wrong, Zaddy?"
757
00:35:08,314 --> 00:35:11,567
[grumbling]
758
00:35:11,567 --> 00:35:12,819
"Zaddy!"
759
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:14,278
[audience laughing]
760
00:35:14,278 --> 00:35:16,405
I need a woman with experience.
761
00:35:16,405 --> 00:35:19,367
I need a woman that knows what to do
when something like that happens.
762
00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:22,703
I wanna go out on a date and she's like,
"Let's go back to my place."
763
00:35:22,703 --> 00:35:25,665
I'm like, "I don't have my CPAP."
She's like, "My ex had two."
764
00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:28,042
"There's one in my closet."
I go, "Oh, Damn."
765
00:35:28,042 --> 00:35:30,169
[audience laughing]
766
00:35:30,169 --> 00:35:33,047
"I got distilled water today."
"What the fuck!"
767
00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:39,554
Here's a PSA. Here's a PSA for all
the young ladies out there, okay?
768
00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:42,932
If you're at a bar, and zaddy walks up
to you and starts talking to you.
769
00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:46,435
All right. If he's talking to you
at the bar and he's standing like...
770
00:35:46,435 --> 00:35:48,521
Let me get... Let's use this stool.
771
00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:50,565
If he's... if he's doing this right here.
772
00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:53,526
Talking to you like, "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh Really?"
773
00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:57,697
That's how a zaddy stands
when they talk. "Oh yeah? Yeah, yeah."
774
00:36:00,032 --> 00:36:01,909
He's not doing that to be cool.
775
00:36:03,911 --> 00:36:04,912
It's hot.
776
00:36:06,330 --> 00:36:08,124
And my ball is stuck to my thigh.
777
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:09,292
[audience laughing]
778
00:36:12,712 --> 00:36:15,631
That's how you detach your ball
from your thigh.
779
00:36:15,631 --> 00:36:16,841
You just fucking...
780
00:36:17,633 --> 00:36:19,886
"Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
781
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,431
That's a sticky ball move.
782
00:36:24,390 --> 00:36:27,101
Ever seen a guy talking
and they do that shit?
783
00:36:27,101 --> 00:36:29,020
"No! Get the fuck out of here!"
784
00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:32,398
"Get the fuck out of here! Ah, shit!"
785
00:36:32,398 --> 00:36:35,818
"Really? Oh really?
Really, really, really."
786
00:36:35,818 --> 00:36:38,404
"That's crazy. Crazy!"
787
00:36:39,488 --> 00:36:40,740
It's his balls.
788
00:36:41,407 --> 00:36:43,242
Sticky balls are in here.
789
00:36:43,826 --> 00:36:46,579
A bunch of sticky balls in here.
Look at how they're sitting.
790
00:36:46,579 --> 00:36:49,165
Look at the guy sitting next to you,
his legs wide open.
791
00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:53,127
Wide open. Don't give a shit about
who's sitting on the right or the left.
792
00:36:53,127 --> 00:36:55,880
Just balls gently placed
on the cushion of the seat.
793
00:36:56,589 --> 00:37:00,301
They can close their legs, but their balls
sit on the lap like a snow cone.
794
00:37:00,301 --> 00:37:01,928
[audience laughing]
795
00:37:03,471 --> 00:37:06,182
Sticky ball guy move.
796
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:07,516
Now you know, ladies.
797
00:37:08,100 --> 00:37:10,770
When you go back to work, now you know.
798
00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:14,857
That guy from accounting walks up to you.
799
00:37:14,857 --> 00:37:18,486
"Hey. Hey, Rebecca, some of the guys and I
are going to Starbucks."
800
00:37:18,486 --> 00:37:21,364
"You want a... you want a Frappuccino
or anything like that?"
801
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:26,118
"Get the fuck away from me, Steve.
Get the fuck away from me, Steve."
802
00:37:26,118 --> 00:37:30,248
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa."
803
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:32,541
"Someone's grumpy. Someone's grumpy."
804
00:37:33,084 --> 00:37:34,252
[audience laughing]
805
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:40,967
I did that joke a long, long time ago
when my son was like...
806
00:37:40,967 --> 00:37:43,219
I think he was like eight
or nine years old.
807
00:37:43,219 --> 00:37:46,472
I would take him all over.
He'd always sit backstage.
808
00:37:46,472 --> 00:37:49,433
I was fucking around with the audience,
and I did that one night.
809
00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:51,519
I got offstage, I was like, "How was it?"
810
00:37:51,519 --> 00:37:55,773
He's like, "It was good, Dad,
but I didn't understand that one joke."
811
00:37:56,565 --> 00:38:00,069
I go, "Which joke?" He goes,
"The one about the ball on the thigh."
812
00:38:01,028 --> 00:38:03,322
"I don't understand that joke, Dad."
813
00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:06,993
"I don't understand the ball on the thigh.
Why was that so funny? I didn't get it."
814
00:38:06,993 --> 00:38:08,327
"I didn't get it."
815
00:38:08,327 --> 00:38:11,831
And I go, "Jo, you're not supposed
to get it. You're nine."
816
00:38:12,832 --> 00:38:15,334
"Your balls are still
at the base of your dick."
817
00:38:15,334 --> 00:38:17,420
[audience laughing]
818
00:38:20,423 --> 00:38:22,508
"That's where
a nine-year-old's balls sit, Jo."
819
00:38:22,508 --> 00:38:24,260
"At the base of their dick."
820
00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:27,888
I go, "Your dick is like a hiker
with a really cool backpack on."
821
00:38:27,888 --> 00:38:29,974
[audience laughing]
822
00:38:32,893 --> 00:38:36,647
My dick's like a seasoned traveler
with a shitty roller bag, like, "Come on!"
823
00:38:37,273 --> 00:38:38,691
"Fucking wheel's broke."
824
00:38:42,987 --> 00:38:44,488
My son is 20, and I'm at that point
825
00:38:44,488 --> 00:38:47,033
where I want to make sure
he lives the right life.
826
00:38:47,033 --> 00:38:49,201
Unfortunately,
it's a different generation.
827
00:38:49,201 --> 00:38:52,288
I'm trying to catch up,
but I know it's wrong. I know it's wrong.
828
00:38:52,288 --> 00:38:55,958
I know they're a little wrong.
They're a little soft. You guys are soft.
829
00:38:57,043 --> 00:38:59,003
Bullying. Oh my God!
This fucking bully thing.
830
00:38:59,003 --> 00:39:00,504
I can't believe this bully thing.
831
00:39:00,504 --> 00:39:02,590
I get it. There's some parents
in here now,
832
00:39:02,590 --> 00:39:05,301
like, "You don't understand
what my fucking son is going through."
833
00:39:07,470 --> 00:39:10,014
But you don't understand,
like, with me... like...
834
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:13,768
You know who the worst bully
was in school when I was kid?
835
00:39:13,768 --> 00:39:16,062
My mom! My mom said the worst shit.
836
00:39:16,062 --> 00:39:17,271
[audience laughing]
837
00:39:17,271 --> 00:39:19,899
The worst shit.
838
00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:24,445
Someone said something in school,
I'd be like,
839
00:39:24,445 --> 00:39:26,739
"My mom already said that shit
this morning."
840
00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:31,327
What the fuck?
841
00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:32,870
He's soft.
842
00:39:33,412 --> 00:39:35,373
It's crazy. It's a different time now.
843
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:37,708
I'm trying to catch up,
but I need the tools.
844
00:39:37,708 --> 00:39:40,503
And my son is at that age.
He's 20. He's 20.
845
00:39:40,503 --> 00:39:43,923
You know what I mean? He's 20.
I gotta make sure my son is ready.
846
00:39:43,923 --> 00:39:46,509
As a parent,
I gotta make sure my son is ready.
847
00:39:46,509 --> 00:39:48,594
And here's the thing. He's not ready.
848
00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:51,222
He's not. He's not ready.
849
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:53,849
He's not.
He's not ready for general population.
850
00:39:53,849 --> 00:39:56,102
[audience laughing]
851
00:39:56,102 --> 00:40:01,440
It would be wrong if I sent my son
out into the... out into the real world.
852
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,193
People will be like, "Who the fuck--
Whose kid is this?"
853
00:40:04,193 --> 00:40:05,945
[audience laughing]
854
00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:07,613
"Who the fuck sent this out here?"
855
00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:11,784
He's not ready. He's 20.
856
00:40:11,784 --> 00:40:14,620
I can give my son
a fistful of money right now, today,
857
00:40:14,620 --> 00:40:16,330
a whole bunch of money,
858
00:40:16,330 --> 00:40:19,083
and I'll go, "Go, Jo,
you're on your own. Go."
859
00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:21,919
He'll be back in six hours like,
"Dad, they took all of my money."
860
00:40:21,919 --> 00:40:24,004
[audience laughing]
861
00:40:30,261 --> 00:40:31,971
These kids got everything right now.
862
00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:34,265
My son's out late with his friends? Uber.
863
00:40:34,265 --> 00:40:35,808
That fast.
864
00:40:35,808 --> 00:40:38,853
He goes out late with friends,
"Sorry, Dad, I'll catch an Uber."
865
00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:40,813
All right. Cool. Boom. Catch an Uber.
866
00:40:40,813 --> 00:40:43,149
I see my phone 'cause it's on my card.
867
00:40:43,149 --> 00:40:45,651
[audience laughing]
868
00:40:45,651 --> 00:40:48,654
I'm like, "Uber Black?
49.99. What the fuck!"
869
00:40:50,156 --> 00:40:51,949
"Bro, you were a mile away."
870
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:58,706
Luxury. Luxury.
That's what they don't know.
871
00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:01,667
There was no such thing as Uber.
What the fuck!
872
00:41:02,168 --> 00:41:05,004
If I was out late with friends,
and it was school night,
873
00:41:05,004 --> 00:41:07,923
and I called my mom, "Mom, it's dark.
Can you come get me?"
874
00:41:07,923 --> 00:41:08,924
"No."
875
00:41:09,925 --> 00:41:12,261
"I already have my pajamas on
876
00:41:13,512 --> 00:41:17,766
and my... and my creams
on my face already, Jo."
877
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:20,811
"Just get home now."
878
00:41:23,147 --> 00:41:24,148
"How?"
879
00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:26,650
"No one has a car."
880
00:41:27,902 --> 00:41:29,153
"Then run."
881
00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:34,074
"Run. Run! It's a mile away."
882
00:41:34,074 --> 00:41:35,951
"Run fast."
883
00:41:35,951 --> 00:41:40,164
"Like, don't stop. Just look forward
and as fast as you can."
884
00:41:40,164 --> 00:41:42,917
"And when you get tired,
don't stop, just keep going."
885
00:41:44,668 --> 00:41:47,421
Fucking one o'clock in the morning.
[panting]
886
00:41:47,421 --> 00:41:49,006
Fucking dark. [screaming]
887
00:41:51,050 --> 00:41:52,593
Car with no headlights on.
888
00:41:52,593 --> 00:41:54,386
[screaming]
889
00:41:54,386 --> 00:41:56,263
"He's gonna... he's gonna rape me!"
890
00:41:56,263 --> 00:41:57,890
[audience laughing]
891
00:42:01,227 --> 00:42:03,312
I almost got raped ten times.
892
00:42:03,312 --> 00:42:05,397
[audience laughing]
893
00:42:06,941 --> 00:42:08,943
[laughing]
894
00:42:10,986 --> 00:42:13,864
That's what I'm saying though.
I was never late again.
895
00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:18,118
Shit, when the sun started coming down,
like, "Man, I need to walk home."
896
00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:23,666
Uber Eats. Get the fuck out. My son...
897
00:42:23,666 --> 00:42:26,669
When there's-- Right?
When there's no food, Uber Eats.
898
00:42:26,669 --> 00:42:28,379
"I'm gonna Uber. There's nothing to eat."
899
00:42:28,379 --> 00:42:30,172
"All right, go ahead." He Uber Eats.
900
00:42:30,172 --> 00:42:32,508
I see the bill,
"Goddamn! Cheesecake Factory?"
901
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:35,511
"You just took yourself out to dinner?"
902
00:42:36,387 --> 00:42:40,140
"What are you on a date, motherfucker?
You got... you got dessert too?"
903
00:42:41,141 --> 00:42:43,352
"Nice tip, motherfucker. You tipped?"
904
00:42:43,352 --> 00:42:45,062
"You're a... you're a tipper!"
905
00:42:45,646 --> 00:42:48,315
"You're a tipper, aren't you?
Jesus Christ!"
906
00:42:48,983 --> 00:42:53,112
The fuck is that? Uber Eats!
907
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:55,990
He doesn't know about "No Eats."
908
00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:57,283
[audience laughing]
909
00:42:57,283 --> 00:42:58,576
No Eats.
910
00:42:59,535 --> 00:43:02,079
I don't know how many times
I called my mom at work.
911
00:43:02,079 --> 00:43:06,000
"There's nothing to eat."
"Look in the refrigerator. There's--"
912
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:10,504
"Ma, I looked ten times,
and it's the same thing every time."
913
00:43:10,504 --> 00:43:12,172
"Look. Look again. Look."
914
00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:14,258
"Look again."
915
00:43:15,134 --> 00:43:16,051
"What's in there?"
916
00:43:17,428 --> 00:43:19,054
"Like, ketchup."
917
00:43:19,054 --> 00:43:20,764
[audience laughing]
918
00:43:20,764 --> 00:43:21,765
"Flavor."
919
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,935
"There you go. Flavor. That's a start."
920
00:43:24,935 --> 00:43:28,647
"Flavor! What else, Joseph?
What else is in there?"
921
00:43:28,647 --> 00:43:33,277
"You have flavor. What's the other one
you have in there so we can make a meal?"
922
00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:35,821
"What is it, Jo?
What flavor, and then what else?"
923
00:43:36,780 --> 00:43:38,032
"There's, uh..."
924
00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:41,285
"There's a slice of cheese
with four hard corners."
925
00:43:41,285 --> 00:43:43,787
[audience laughing]
926
00:43:43,787 --> 00:43:45,122
"Okay. All right."
927
00:43:45,122 --> 00:43:47,541
"Now just... now break those corners off
928
00:43:48,334 --> 00:43:50,044
because the middle is still good."
929
00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:52,463
"It's slowly getting bad,
930
00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:54,923
so you have to catch it
before it gets all bad."
931
00:43:55,507 --> 00:43:57,760
"So now instead of square, it's round."
932
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:00,054
[audience laughing]
933
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:05,976
I got a ketchup cheese roll.
934
00:44:07,561 --> 00:44:08,812
What the fuck!
935
00:44:12,316 --> 00:44:13,817
[laughing]
936
00:44:13,817 --> 00:44:18,155
Application. See, this is the thing.
They don't know what an application is.
937
00:44:18,155 --> 00:44:20,366
Application to them, this generation,
938
00:44:20,366 --> 00:44:22,993
they think an application is...
is everything.
939
00:44:22,993 --> 00:44:26,372
It could be, it could be, uh,
I don't know, uh, I don't know, the games.
940
00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:29,083
Whatever it is that they can download
is an application.
941
00:44:29,083 --> 00:44:32,920
They have an application
that helps them fill out an application.
942
00:44:33,837 --> 00:44:36,465
Cause they don't even know
how to get a real fucking job.
943
00:44:36,465 --> 00:44:39,802
They don't know the struggle of going in
and asking to be hired.
944
00:44:39,802 --> 00:44:42,805
They don't know that skill set.
Everything's easy for them.
945
00:44:42,805 --> 00:44:45,724
They have an application
to fill out an application.
946
00:44:45,724 --> 00:44:48,185
You get to fill it out.
You can just type it in.
947
00:44:48,185 --> 00:44:50,604
And then you go,
"Oh, you know what? I like..."
948
00:44:50,604 --> 00:44:54,191
"I like coffee. I'm gonna work
at maybe a coffee shop." Type that in.
949
00:44:54,191 --> 00:44:57,736
"I wanna work, maybe, I don't know, maybe
point five miles away from my house."
950
00:44:57,736 --> 00:44:59,697
"Pa-pa-pa. I'd like to make this much."
951
00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:02,366
"And these are the only hours I can work
because of soccer."
952
00:45:02,366 --> 00:45:04,451
[audience laughing]
953
00:45:05,661 --> 00:45:09,081
And then the app comes back and goes,
"Hey! We found something for ya."
954
00:45:09,081 --> 00:45:13,127
"Yeah, just right down the street.
Come on, they're waiting for ya."
955
00:45:13,127 --> 00:45:15,629
"Yeah, and you know what?
They agreed to the money you want,
956
00:45:15,629 --> 00:45:19,174
so go and get that job,
and enjoy soccer while you're at it."
957
00:45:20,592 --> 00:45:21,719
"Thanks, app."
958
00:45:22,845 --> 00:45:25,013
They got a goddamn job. No work.
959
00:45:25,514 --> 00:45:28,434
They have no idea
about going to a fucking mall...
960
00:45:28,934 --> 00:45:30,936
[audience laughing]
961
00:45:34,565 --> 00:45:37,693
...with a shitty fucking button-up shirt,
962
00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:40,821
fucking dirty tennis shoes,
963
00:45:41,405 --> 00:45:43,741
with shirt's tucked in
to some fucked up pants.
964
00:45:44,700 --> 00:45:47,161
And you're just looking at every store.
[groaning]
965
00:45:48,662 --> 00:45:51,039
Walk in, "Are... are you guys hiring?"
966
00:45:51,039 --> 00:45:53,125
[audience laughing]
967
00:45:54,334 --> 00:45:55,169
"No."
968
00:45:56,086 --> 00:45:57,045
"Not you."
969
00:45:58,630 --> 00:45:59,590
Ooh...
970
00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:01,675
[audience laughing]
971
00:46:04,344 --> 00:46:07,514
Ask any of these teenagers if they know
what an application even looks like.
972
00:46:07,514 --> 00:46:08,974
They have no idea.
973
00:46:08,974 --> 00:46:11,685
You had to ask one.
Then they lifted up the register.
974
00:46:11,685 --> 00:46:14,104
And then they...
It was like a thick sheet of...
975
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:17,274
It was a whole pad of applications,
and they only ripped one off for you.
976
00:46:17,274 --> 00:46:18,859
[mimicking tearing] "Here."
977
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:21,612
You go, "Just one?"
978
00:46:21,612 --> 00:46:22,988
"Yeah, just one."
979
00:46:22,988 --> 00:46:25,073
You had to go to the food court
and fill it out.
980
00:46:25,073 --> 00:46:26,700
[audience laughing]
981
00:46:26,700 --> 00:46:28,702
With ink. It couldn't be pencil.
982
00:46:28,702 --> 00:46:30,788
And you better not fuck up anything.
983
00:46:31,789 --> 00:46:33,874
I always fucked up my name. "Fuck!"
984
00:46:33,874 --> 00:46:36,084
[audience laughing]
985
00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:40,380
I had to scribble out the "e"
and point an arrow and put a letter "p."
986
00:46:40,380 --> 00:46:42,633
My name's Joseph, not "Josepeh."
987
00:46:42,633 --> 00:46:44,718
[audience laughing]
988
00:46:47,262 --> 00:46:49,264
[laughing]
989
00:46:51,767 --> 00:46:52,810
I love it though.
990
00:46:53,310 --> 00:46:54,853
I love being a dad, Larry.
991
00:46:55,604 --> 00:46:57,064
[audience laughing]
992
00:46:57,981 --> 00:47:00,734
Just gotta teach these kids.
Gotta teach these kids.
993
00:47:00,734 --> 00:47:03,237
I know there's teenagers in here tonight.
994
00:47:03,237 --> 00:47:05,322
I don't know where,
but I know you're in here.
995
00:47:05,989 --> 00:47:07,282
Oh, right there?
996
00:47:07,282 --> 00:47:09,368
Nice to meet you.
What's your name? Teenager.
997
00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:10,702
The old fucker goes, "Me?"
998
00:47:10,702 --> 00:47:12,037
[audience laughing]
999
00:47:13,372 --> 00:47:14,373
"Me?"
1000
00:47:15,415 --> 00:47:16,416
"Steve."
1001
00:47:16,416 --> 00:47:18,502
[audience laughing]
1002
00:47:20,295 --> 00:47:23,423
What... At... at what point did you think
I said, "Teenager,"
1003
00:47:23,423 --> 00:47:25,175
and asked for your fucking name?
1004
00:47:25,175 --> 00:47:26,885
[audience laughing]
1005
00:47:27,469 --> 00:47:29,179
He's got a fucking whiskey sour.
1006
00:47:29,179 --> 00:47:31,014
[audience laughing]
1007
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:33,642
[laughing]
1008
00:47:34,810 --> 00:47:36,520
What's your name back there?
1009
00:47:37,104 --> 00:47:38,564
- [Jo] Huh?
- Caleb.
1010
00:47:38,564 --> 00:47:41,441
Caleb? Nice to meet you, Caleb.
How old are you?
1011
00:47:41,441 --> 00:47:43,318
- [Caleb] Twelve.
- Twelve. Oh shit.
1012
00:47:43,318 --> 00:47:45,612
[audience laughing]
1013
00:47:45,612 --> 00:47:46,738
Shit.
1014
00:47:51,827 --> 00:47:52,744
Right.
1015
00:47:52,744 --> 00:47:54,079
[audience applauding]
1016
00:47:56,164 --> 00:47:58,500
You... you learned a lot tonight,
didn't you?
1017
00:47:59,376 --> 00:48:00,377
Shit.
1018
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:02,337
Goddamn!
1019
00:48:03,171 --> 00:48:04,131
So...
1020
00:48:06,008 --> 00:48:09,678
This is your mom's fault, by the way.
Your mom fucked...
1021
00:48:11,388 --> 00:48:12,681
You're 12 though.
1022
00:48:13,181 --> 00:48:15,350
Your mom... your mom knew.
It's on the ticket.
1023
00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:18,228
It said R-rated. Don't get mad at me.
1024
00:48:18,228 --> 00:48:20,314
- [audience laughing]
- [laughing]
1025
00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:23,901
If Caleb goes like this... [growling]
1026
00:48:23,901 --> 00:48:25,652
I'll be like, "Oh fuck!"
1027
00:48:25,652 --> 00:48:27,279
[audience applauding]
1028
00:48:30,657 --> 00:48:32,492
Is he a good kid? Caleb a good kid?
1029
00:48:32,492 --> 00:48:35,579
He is? Does he clean his room
when you tell him?
1030
00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:37,331
No? Goddamn it, Caleb!
1031
00:48:38,165 --> 00:48:39,374
Clean your fucking room.
1032
00:48:40,083 --> 00:48:41,168
That's your mom!
1033
00:48:41,710 --> 00:48:44,671
Whatever your mom says, you do,
you hear me, Caleb?
1034
00:48:44,671 --> 00:48:47,424
When she says, "Clean the room,"
you say this, Caleb.
1035
00:48:47,424 --> 00:48:48,926
"How many rooms, Mom?"
1036
00:48:48,926 --> 00:48:50,552
[audience laughing]
1037
00:48:50,552 --> 00:48:51,678
That's your mom.
1038
00:48:51,678 --> 00:48:53,138
[audience applauding]
1039
00:48:54,890 --> 00:48:55,724
That's your mom!
1040
00:48:56,767 --> 00:48:58,894
Every kid in here,
you better realize that.
1041
00:48:58,894 --> 00:49:00,854
That's your mom. Listen to her.
1042
00:49:00,854 --> 00:49:02,731
Don't ever talk back to your mom.
1043
00:49:03,815 --> 00:49:06,652
Talk back to your dad.
Is your dad here? Oh, that's your dad?
1044
00:49:06,652 --> 00:49:09,321
Talk back to your dad. Talk back to him.
1045
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:11,990
Check your fucking dad. Now is the time.
1046
00:49:11,990 --> 00:49:14,076
Check your dad.
Your dad's gonna appreciate that.
1047
00:49:14,076 --> 00:49:18,747
If your dad... if your dad smarts off
to your mom, you fuck... Check Dad.
1048
00:49:18,747 --> 00:49:22,334
Check that motherfucker. I did that shit.
I did that to my stepdad Fred.
1049
00:49:22,334 --> 00:49:24,878
He said something to my mom,
I waited up all night.
1050
00:49:24,878 --> 00:49:27,381
I was like, "I'm gonna fucking say...
Don't you ever!"
1051
00:49:27,381 --> 00:49:28,799
I was in my room, man.
1052
00:49:28,799 --> 00:49:32,052
"Don't you ever talk
to my mom like that. Shit!"
1053
00:49:32,052 --> 00:49:34,721
I waited up all night.
I heard him wake up in the morning.
1054
00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:37,557
He was making his lunch for work.
I walked into the kitchen, I go,
1055
00:49:37,557 --> 00:49:40,519
"Don't you ever fucking talk to my mom
like that again, hear me, Fred?"
1056
00:49:40,519 --> 00:49:43,438
"Don't you ever disrespect my mom.
You hear me?"
1057
00:49:43,438 --> 00:49:44,856
Fred's 6'4".
1058
00:49:44,856 --> 00:49:46,233
[audience laughing]
1059
00:49:47,359 --> 00:49:49,778
Six-four
Just leaned in and went like this,
1060
00:49:50,779 --> 00:49:53,240
"I don't think you understand
who you're talking to, bubba."
1061
00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:54,783
[audience laughing]
1062
00:49:55,701 --> 00:49:58,412
"Might wanna go to your room
and think about that real quick."
1063
00:49:59,121 --> 00:50:01,039
And this is what I say, Caleb.
I went like this,
1064
00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:03,083
"I'm gonna,
but remember what the fuck I said."
1065
00:50:03,083 --> 00:50:05,127
"Don't talk to my mom like that."
1066
00:50:09,297 --> 00:50:10,882
And I went to my room.
1067
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:12,884
But guess what happened, Caleb?
1068
00:50:12,884 --> 00:50:15,762
Later on that night,
during dinner, Fred goes like this,
1069
00:50:15,762 --> 00:50:17,931
"Hey Bubba, I'm sorry about what I said."
1070
00:50:18,473 --> 00:50:20,976
"I'll never disrespect
your mama like that again.
1071
00:50:20,976 --> 00:50:22,853
"I'll never do it in front of you, Bubba."
1072
00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:24,855
[audience cheering, applauding]
1073
00:50:27,482 --> 00:50:28,525
See what I'm saying?
1074
00:50:29,276 --> 00:50:33,238
So, your dad, fucking walk up to him,
swell your chest up.
1075
00:50:33,238 --> 00:50:34,823
[audience laughing]
1076
00:50:34,823 --> 00:50:37,284
Just go like this.
"What the fuck did you say?"
1077
00:50:37,284 --> 00:50:39,119
[audience laughing]
1078
00:50:39,119 --> 00:50:41,705
"What the fuck?"
Like, get all that, all that, Caleb.
1079
00:50:41,705 --> 00:50:43,874
"What the fuck did you say to Mom?"
1080
00:50:43,874 --> 00:50:45,792
Say... Ball up your fist.
1081
00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:48,920
Do it, Caleb.
1082
00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:52,090
You know why? 'Cause your mom's gonna be
right behind you going,
1083
00:50:52,090 --> 00:50:54,176
"Why don't you say
what the fuck you said?"
1084
00:50:54,801 --> 00:50:56,928
"Say it to your son, motherfucker.
Say it!"
1085
00:50:56,928 --> 00:50:58,305
[audience laughing]
1086
00:50:58,305 --> 00:51:01,349
'Cause your mom has your back.
Remember that shit.
1087
00:51:02,225 --> 00:51:03,977
All these kids, remember that shit.
1088
00:51:04,686 --> 00:51:07,022
I don't talk to the girls.
I don't. I never do.
1089
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:08,940
The girls, you're on your own.
1090
00:51:08,940 --> 00:51:12,944
I have a different attitude towards...
Like... like teenage girls, it's different.
1091
00:51:12,944 --> 00:51:16,239
They will just... For some reason,
they just do it right.
1092
00:51:16,740 --> 00:51:19,910
I got two sisters that just did it right.
I got my sister Gemma.
1093
00:51:19,910 --> 00:51:23,038
To this day, she's still in charge
of Jo Koy Entertainment.
1094
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:25,791
Like, she runs
the whole fucking operation.
1095
00:51:26,708 --> 00:51:28,251
I ain't got nothing to say.
1096
00:51:28,251 --> 00:51:29,628
[audience applaudes]
1097
00:51:29,628 --> 00:51:30,712
They do it right.
1098
00:51:31,421 --> 00:51:33,673
The boys, I talk shit all the time.
1099
00:51:33,673 --> 00:51:35,634
They seem to be the same
all the fucking time.
1100
00:51:35,634 --> 00:51:37,886
So I'm only talking to you fuckers.
1101
00:51:37,886 --> 00:51:42,307
So... so next time your mom tells you
to clean the room, Caleb,
1102
00:51:42,307 --> 00:51:43,809
you say, "How many?" All right?
1103
00:51:43,809 --> 00:51:46,812
And all you moms in here,
when your kids talk back to you,
1104
00:51:46,812 --> 00:51:50,023
when they say shit like,
"I'm tired. I'll do it tomorrow, Mom."
1105
00:51:50,899 --> 00:51:51,900
Fuck that.
1106
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:56,154
Every mom in here,
you need to tell these kids what you did.
1107
00:51:56,154 --> 00:51:58,490
Say it in graphic detail.
1108
00:51:58,490 --> 00:52:01,743
In graphic, descriptive detail.
1109
00:52:01,743 --> 00:52:04,538
When they go, "I'm tired.
I'll do it tomorrow, Mom."
1110
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:06,748
Tell 'em, tell 'em what you did.
1111
00:52:06,748 --> 00:52:09,543
"Oh, you'll do it tomorrow? You're tired?"
1112
00:52:09,543 --> 00:52:12,838
"Did I say that to the doctor
when it was time to give birth to you?"
1113
00:52:12,838 --> 00:52:15,090
"'I'm tired. I'll do it tomorrow?'"
1114
00:52:15,715 --> 00:52:19,719
"No. I let you rip my pussy to shreds."
1115
00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:21,138
[audience laughing]
1116
00:52:21,138 --> 00:52:22,139
I know it's awkward.
1117
00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:24,724
There's women in here like,
"This is a little too much."
1118
00:52:24,724 --> 00:52:26,643
No, it's not. It's not enough.
1119
00:52:26,643 --> 00:52:30,272
I don't know what happened in society
that took that superpower from you.
1120
00:52:30,272 --> 00:52:32,774
Every single woman
should be bragging about that shit.
1121
00:52:32,774 --> 00:52:36,361
You're the only ones that could do it.
You're the only ones that could do it.
1122
00:52:36,361 --> 00:52:38,238
You're the only ones that could do it.
1123
00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:41,533
But for some reason, you're not allowed
to brag about that shit.
1124
00:52:41,533 --> 00:52:45,287
You should be saying that shit. Say it!
"You ripped my pussy apart."
1125
00:52:45,287 --> 00:52:48,665
And if they don't wanna listen,
fucking show it sometime.
1126
00:52:48,665 --> 00:52:51,251
Show the pussy. "Look at this.
Look, motherfucker, look."
1127
00:52:51,251 --> 00:52:52,460
"Look what the fuck you did."
1128
00:52:52,460 --> 00:52:54,754
Watch. He'll start cleaning the windows.
1129
00:52:54,754 --> 00:52:55,964
[squeaking]
1130
00:52:55,964 --> 00:52:57,215
[audience laughing]
1131
00:53:00,969 --> 00:53:02,137
[Jo laughing]
1132
00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:04,472
Caleb, I was there.
1133
00:53:05,891 --> 00:53:09,853
When I saw her laying on the bed,
and she was about to give birth,
1134
00:53:09,853 --> 00:53:12,189
I just remember the whole thing.
Petting her head,
1135
00:53:12,189 --> 00:53:15,775
and all of a sudden, this dude
popped up from between her legs.
1136
00:53:15,775 --> 00:53:17,777
[audience laughing]
1137
00:53:17,777 --> 00:53:20,238
It wasn't the doctor
we were seeing for nine months.
1138
00:53:20,238 --> 00:53:23,825
It was some other motherfucker
that just popped up and went... [groaning]
1139
00:53:25,202 --> 00:53:26,745
"We need to make an incision."
1140
00:53:27,495 --> 00:53:30,040
I was like, "What?
Like... like a C-section?"
1141
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,125
He goes, "No, no, no, we're past that."
1142
00:53:32,751 --> 00:53:36,504
This doctor was like, "We're past that."
I go, "We're past the C..."
1143
00:53:36,504 --> 00:53:37,964
"Is there another section?"
1144
00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:39,549
[audience laughing]
1145
00:53:39,549 --> 00:53:42,552
"Is there a D and an E
that no one told me about?"
1146
00:53:42,552 --> 00:53:45,138
"No. No, no. We're past the C-section."
1147
00:53:45,722 --> 00:53:47,224
"Your son's head is too big."
1148
00:53:47,224 --> 00:53:48,475
[audience laughing]
1149
00:53:48,475 --> 00:53:50,143
"So we need to cut the vagina."
1150
00:53:50,894 --> 00:53:53,730
"We need to make a small incision
on the vagina."
1151
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:54,731
And I went...
1152
00:53:54,731 --> 00:53:56,233
[squealing]
1153
00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:57,692
[audience laughing]
1154
00:53:57,692 --> 00:53:59,402
[squealing continues]
1155
00:54:02,614 --> 00:54:03,990
That's exactly what I said.
1156
00:54:03,990 --> 00:54:05,283
[squealing]
1157
00:54:05,283 --> 00:54:06,952
[audience laughing]
1158
00:54:06,952 --> 00:54:10,038
The doctor's like,
"We need to make a decision now!"
1159
00:54:10,038 --> 00:54:11,539
And I go, "Hold on!"
1160
00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:15,001
"That is a lot of information."
1161
00:54:15,001 --> 00:54:18,964
"You're just gonna throw that at me
that you gotta cut her pussy away?"
1162
00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:22,259
"I didn't know that.
No one showed me that on the video."
1163
00:54:22,259 --> 00:54:25,387
"So hold on! Hold on!
It's a very serious fucking question."
1164
00:54:25,387 --> 00:54:26,304
"Hold on!"
1165
00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:28,765
"Honey!"
1166
00:54:30,016 --> 00:54:30,850
"Honey!"
1167
00:54:32,018 --> 00:54:33,895
"Our son's head is too big."
1168
00:54:34,479 --> 00:54:37,482
"And he's gonna die
unless they cut your vagina."
1169
00:54:38,191 --> 00:54:41,820
"And the doctor needs to know
is it okay to cut your vagina,
1170
00:54:41,820 --> 00:54:43,446
or the baby's gonna die."
1171
00:54:44,030 --> 00:54:45,573
"So what do you wanna do?"
1172
00:54:47,033 --> 00:54:51,204
And then Angie turned into Hulk Hogan
from the WWE,
1173
00:54:51,204 --> 00:54:54,582
and looked at the doctor and went,
"Cut my pussy now, brother."
1174
00:54:54,582 --> 00:54:56,042
[audience laughing]
1175
00:54:56,042 --> 00:55:01,172
"Cut that pussy and rip that motherfucker
out my pussy now, brother. Oh yeah."
1176
00:55:03,133 --> 00:55:04,301
And then I went...
1177
00:55:04,301 --> 00:55:05,468
[squealing]
1178
00:55:05,468 --> 00:55:07,554
[audience laughing]
1179
00:55:08,471 --> 00:55:11,516
And then I looked at the doctor.
He already had a knife.
1180
00:55:12,100 --> 00:55:15,353
It didn't even look surgical.
It looked like a hunter's knife.
1181
00:55:15,353 --> 00:55:17,105
And he just stabbed her in the pussy.
1182
00:55:17,105 --> 00:55:18,565
[mimicking stabbing]
1183
00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:20,692
And then my son just fell out.
1184
00:55:20,692 --> 00:55:23,278
And hen I went like this... [gagging]
And I fucking passed out.
1185
00:55:23,278 --> 00:55:25,363
[audience laughing]
1186
00:55:27,991 --> 00:55:30,201
There were three people
in the delivery room.
1187
00:55:30,201 --> 00:55:32,579
Her mom, my mom, and me.
1188
00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:34,539
And no one gave a fuck about me.
1189
00:55:35,874 --> 00:55:39,210
The nurse gave my mom a smelling salt.
She put it under my nose, I woke up.
1190
00:55:39,210 --> 00:55:41,254
She goes,
"Get the fuck up. Your son is here."
1191
00:55:41,254 --> 00:55:43,298
[audience laughing]
1192
00:55:47,552 --> 00:55:49,554
Everything was foggy and hazy.
1193
00:55:50,930 --> 00:55:53,099
There was this thing on her chest.
1194
00:55:53,099 --> 00:55:55,435
I say "thing" 'cause it didn't look human.
1195
00:55:55,935 --> 00:55:57,771
It was like pale, green, gray.
1196
00:55:58,396 --> 00:55:59,731
Spots of blood all over.
1197
00:56:00,357 --> 00:56:02,025
Eyes swollen shut.
1198
00:56:03,902 --> 00:56:06,112
Mouth just looking
for something to suck on.
1199
00:56:06,112 --> 00:56:07,697
[gargling]
1200
00:56:09,324 --> 00:56:11,117
Head elongated.
1201
00:56:11,117 --> 00:56:12,619
[audience laughing]
1202
00:56:12,619 --> 00:56:16,289
I was like, "What the fuck is that?
The fuck is that?"
1203
00:56:16,289 --> 00:56:17,374
"Whose is that?"
1204
00:56:18,083 --> 00:56:21,127
I looked. You know what I saw, Caleb?
When I saw my son on her...
1205
00:56:21,127 --> 00:56:22,420
You know what I saw, Caleb?
1206
00:56:22,420 --> 00:56:26,925
There was a... there was a tube stuck
to the stomach. Did you know that?
1207
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:30,345
Guess where the rest
of the tube was, Caleb. Guess. Guess.
1208
00:56:31,179 --> 00:56:32,722
Inside her pussy.
1209
00:56:32,722 --> 00:56:34,057
[audience laughing]
1210
00:56:37,227 --> 00:56:40,814
Like my son was an iPhone,
and her pussy was a wall socket.
1211
00:56:41,689 --> 00:56:44,234
Just keeping it alive.
Just charging the battery.
1212
00:56:45,985 --> 00:56:47,153
Look at your mom.
1213
00:56:48,279 --> 00:56:50,740
Look at your mom, Caleb.
You did this to her.
1214
00:56:51,408 --> 00:56:52,700
Twelve years ago.
1215
00:56:52,700 --> 00:56:54,202
[audience laughing]
1216
00:56:54,202 --> 00:56:57,414
Guess what the doctor said.
He goes, "We need to get the rest out."
1217
00:56:57,414 --> 00:56:59,082
I go, "The rest of what?"
1218
00:57:00,458 --> 00:57:03,253
Then she pushed,
and a Gucci purse came out of her pussy.
1219
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:04,546
[audience laughing]
1220
00:57:05,755 --> 00:57:08,049
A Gucci purse came out of her pussy.
1221
00:57:08,049 --> 00:57:11,052
And I went like this... [gagging]
I fucking passed out again.
1222
00:57:15,014 --> 00:57:16,433
And I woke back up.
1223
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:19,561
The doctor was holding
the umbilical cord in front of my face.
1224
00:57:20,061 --> 00:57:23,064
He gave me scissors.
He goes, "Bring your son into the world."
1225
00:57:23,064 --> 00:57:25,108
I tried to cut it, and it was too hard.
1226
00:57:25,900 --> 00:57:27,235
I go, "It's too hard."
1227
00:57:27,735 --> 00:57:30,989
"It won't cut. It won't cut."
And he took that knife and he went...
1228
00:57:30,989 --> 00:57:35,076
The blood hit my face. I went like this...
I fucking passed out again.
1229
00:57:35,618 --> 00:57:37,871
'Cause I thought he just murdered my baby.
1230
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:39,956
[audience laughing]
1231
00:57:42,667 --> 00:57:45,462
Would you believe
that's not even the worst part, Caleb?
1232
00:57:46,296 --> 00:57:48,882
Do you wanna hear the worst part, Caleb?
You do?
1233
00:57:48,882 --> 00:57:49,966
Okay.
1234
00:57:51,050 --> 00:57:52,510
When I woke up, Caleb,
1235
00:57:53,178 --> 00:57:56,556
the doctor was sewing
her pussy back together.
1236
00:57:57,640 --> 00:57:58,766
Look at your mom.
1237
00:57:59,517 --> 00:58:01,186
You did that to her pussy.
1238
00:58:02,103 --> 00:58:04,939
Twelve years ago.
Just sewing the pussy back together.
1239
00:58:04,939 --> 00:58:07,567
No numbing shot. Just medieval.
1240
00:58:07,567 --> 00:58:09,861
[audience laughing]
1241
00:58:17,368 --> 00:58:18,870
That's what happened, Caleb.
1242
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:24,000
That's what happened. Look at your mom!
You don't wanna clean your fucking room?
1243
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:26,085
[audience applauding, cheering]
1244
00:58:30,715 --> 00:58:32,509
I love you, guys. Thank you so much.
1245
00:58:33,384 --> 00:58:37,639
[MC] Brooklyn, New York,
give it up one more time
1246
00:58:37,639 --> 00:58:41,935
for Jo Koy!
1247
00:58:41,935 --> 00:58:43,853
[audience applauding, cheering]
1248
00:58:48,942 --> 00:58:50,985
I love you so much, Brooklyn. Thank you.
1249
00:58:51,945 --> 00:58:53,071
Thank you so much.
1250
00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:55,657
Good night.
1251
00:58:56,491 --> 00:58:58,493
[applauding, cheering continues]