1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:04,799
Piano.
2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,919
I write songs on the piano, don't I?
3
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:10,119
Yeah, they're awful. What?
4
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:13,399
They're awful.
5
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,639
I writes about the home, things that
happens in the home, and I put...
6
00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:19,359
We don't want to
hear about the home in song form.
7
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:23,360
It's depressing enough living it, let alone
hearing a song about it. Shush. Listen.
8
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,959
That's how it starts.
9
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,199
# Everybody here loves
Having pudding
10
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:37,439
# We has it every day at six o'clock
11
00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,879
# Sometimes it is jelly
What is cold and...
12
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:44,239
# Sometimes it is crumble
What is hot. #
13
00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:48,240
Got another one. What, that was it?
Yeah. Absolutely dreadful.
14
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:54,119
# We all likes puppies
We all likes puppies
15
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# We all likes puppies
Dogs and that
16
00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,439
# We all likes kittens
We all likes kittens
17
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,879
# We all likes kittens
And older cats
18
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,239
# We all likes rabbits
We all likes hamsters
19
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# We likes all guinea pigs
And things
20
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# We likes all budgies
We likes canaries,
21
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# We likes all creatures
With fur and wings
22
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,479
# Everybody here loves
Having pudding...
23
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# We has it every day
At six o'clock
24
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# Sometimes it is jelly...
What is cold and...
25
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:31,040
# Sometimes it is crumble
What is hot. #
26
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That was brilliant. Yes.
27
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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
28
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That is so sweet.
29
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Shush...
30
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Hey, you, shush, shush, shush.
31
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,359
Oh. Your turn. Hello.
32
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,639
Hello...
33
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,799
OK? Good.
34
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:58,319
Stopped crying. See?
35
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,479
'I'm not great with babies.
36
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,879
'I think they can tell.'
37
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,839
It's not that I don't like them,
38
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:08,840
it's just that I don't think I've got
a natural maternal instinct, you know?
39
00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:13,279
They don't make me go all gooey.
Hello!
40
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:16,559
'Cos I think it's
because they don't do anything.
41
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:20,560
'You can't talk to them, really
and they're completely helpless.'
42
00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:24,359
And they constantly shit themselves.
43
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:28,360
Knowing Kev has been a good
training for that.
44
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It's Arthur's grand-daughter's baby.
Yeah, it's not mine.
45
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:35,759
That's mine.
46
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,039
Can I hold it? No! No. Charming.
47
00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:42,159
It's good, innit?
You want to hold him, Derek? No.
48
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:46,160
I do, but I'm clumsy. I better not.
49
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:49,399
'I likes babies.
But they're fragile, ain't they?'
50
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,279
And if I drops a vase or something
51
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,479
or sits in some apple crumble
and custard,
52
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,639
I goes, "Whoops, sorry,"
53
00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:00,279
and people goes, "Oh, don't worry
about it, Derek. Accident".
54
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,519
But if I drops a baby,
or sits on it,
55
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,799
whoops, sorry, isn't enough, is it?
So,
56
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,119
I sort of, I play it safe.
57
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:10,999
I would like to hold it though.
58
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,719
Look at that...
59
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:16,720
'It's funny. He's smiling and he's laughing.
What's he laughing at? Why is he happy?
60
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,039
'What does...
61
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:21,239
'..what does he know
that makes him happy?
62
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,240
'Know what I mean? What's he
thinking? He doesn't know anything,
get jokes. Why does he laugh?'
63
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,119
He's flying. Like Superman.
64
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,119
Hey? Could Superman fly
when he was a baby?
65
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:34,759
Going to try and squeeze a quick
wedding in before he comes along.
66
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:37,479
Yeah. I'm going to give her away,
cos her dad's dead.
67
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,199
Hmm. Tom proposed.
68
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,439
Yeah, I did that
when the cameras weren't around.
69
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,719
Yeah, well,
I wouldn't have said yes on camera.
70
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:47,919
I wouldn't have asked you on camera.
Really?
71
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:51,879
Yes, you just said you wouldn't say
yes on camera. What? You wouldn't risk it?
72
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,480
It's like we're already married.
73
00:03:56,000 --> 00:04:00,000
Back to work. See you later.
74
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:03,319
It's not the best job
in the world, but...
75
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,479
It's not great.
76
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,480
But it pays money and you need
money for things that are great.
77
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:14,799
Like a kid.
78
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,359
And you know what?
It's good company.
79
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,279
Ah, for fuck's sake!
80
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,239
Fucking bag's split!
81
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,039
Have you seen it?
82
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,999
Fuck, fucking BLEEP
83
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:32,000
..and chuck it in
your fucking windows!
84
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,999
Des might have anger issues.
85
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,519
But you know, conversation's
always interesting.
86
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:42,519
So if you could kill
any three celebrities,
87
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:46,520
and just get away with it,
which ones would you kill?
88
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,039
But there's no money.
89
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,959
Really? Yeah, I think so.
90
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,959
But I thought...
Oh, the vicar's here.
91
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,959
Am I dead? No.
He's come to talk about the wedding.
92
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,279
Hello. Hello... How are you?
93
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,639
I'm fine, thank you. Hi, this is
Tom. Tom? Richard. Nice to see you.
94
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:17,640
Do you want to have a seat?
Yes. Thank you.
95
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,599
So...
96
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,199
So, I haven't seen
you in church much.
97
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,999
I haven't seen you on the bins much.
98
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,759
That was a joke, I'm sorry.
99
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,759
I'm normally really busy here,
so it...
100
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,679
She's helping the meek.
101
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:33,759
Devil makes work for idle hands.
102
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,359
I certainly make work
for idle hands.
103
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:39,519
Also, um, Sundays are quite mental.
104
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,399
Yeah. Roast dinner and bingo.
105
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,879
But we always have Songs Of Praise
on, though. Yeah, yeah.
106
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,599
God rested on Sunday,
didn't he? Hannah don't.
107
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:50,600
She works seven days a week.
Helping people, innit?
108
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,839
Good. So, you're both Christian,
though.
109
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,159
What do you mean by Christian?
110
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,999
What do you mean by both? What?
What? Yeah.
111
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,719
Yes, what? What?
112
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,399
Are you Christian?
Well, I was brought up a Christian.
113
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:07,159
Oh, good,
that means you're Christian.
114
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:10,479
Well, I don't want to lie,
so it's probably fair to say
115
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,879
that I don't go along with all
the mumbo jumbo side of it,
116
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,919
but I do try and live a good life,
and I am forgiving.
117
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,879
I'm Jewish.
118
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:22,119
Jewish. Yeah.
Again, I was raised Jewish,
119
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,719
but I don't believe in a Jewish God.
120
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,159
I mean, it's the same God... OK.
121
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:31,160
Er, I don't believe in any God.
122
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,319
Um, well, that...
123
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:37,119
So, neither of you really
believe in God,
124
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,599
and, er, you're Jewish... Mm-hm.
125
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,399
So, have you not got a foreskin?
126
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,559
No. Wow.
127
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,159
Do you know, I heard,
128
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,359
because it's had a lifetime
of being an exposed helmet,
129
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,559
rubbing against the trousers
and that, it's less sensitive,
130
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,560
so you can last longer without
shooting your load. Pttt!
131
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:01,599
Also, no risk of breaking
the old banjo string,
132
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,559
if it gets a little bit rough.
133
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,599
Doing anal, for example.
134
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,679
Innit, Pam? Um, I think, um,
135
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,759
a registry office might be
a better idea. Yeah. Yeah.
136
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,719
Good luck with the wedding.
Thank you.
137
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,999
Very nice to meet you all.
Thanks for coming.
138
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,399
Not at all. Pleased to meet you.
Good luck. Nice to meet you. Bye.
139
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,039
Look at you.
140
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:23,239
Cheerio, then. Bye. Bye. Bye-bye.
141
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,159
He was nice, weren't he? Yeah.
142
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,999
We'll go for the registry office...
143
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,719
Banjo string? Yeah.
144
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:33,119
'Vicky's going to cover me
on my maternity leave.
145
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,999
'She's just been amazing.
She's flown through all her NVQ's.
146
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:40,000
'She's on to her level five
diploma now, which, you know,
you need for management, so,
147
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:43,559
'couldn't be prouder of her,
she's incredible.
148
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,159
'I'm leaving the home
in very safe hands.'
149
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,559
'Yeah, I love getting qualifications
now.
150
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,319
'I'm sort of kicking myself that
I didn't concentrate in school
151
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,839
'and do my exams properly, cos...'
152
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:57,840
to be honest, I just didn't
think I could do anything then. I
didn't think I could pass anything.
153
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,759
Derek, this is Cath.
Hi. This is Annie...
154
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:04,599
'This is different, it's ongoing assessment,
so people come in, watch me,
155
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,399
'give me homework...'
156
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,959
I think that's easier than
revising for months and months
157
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,879
and then everything
coming down to, like, one test.
158
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:15,719
'I did think, like, Derek might
want to be temporary manager, '
159
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:18,319
but he's not interested.
160
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,279
He says he loves his life
exactly how it is now.
161
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:24,919
Doesn't want to change anything.
162
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,239
I'm starting to feel the same,
to be honest.
163
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,279
I think ladies makes better
managers than men,
164
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,719
cos they're, sort of
better with money.
165
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,399
I don't mean they're better
at making lots of money, I mean,
166
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,079
they makes every penny count.
167
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,119
And they don't show off
and shout at people, like men do.
168
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:44,399
Well, Hannah has
head-butted a lady once.
169
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:48,399
And she beat up some people
with a rolling pin.
170
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,119
She's better with money than me.
171
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,959
Probably better at fighting.
172
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,959
Except wrestling.
173
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,959
I'll miss Hannah when she's
on maternity leave. We all will.
174
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,159
But Vicky's brilliant,
and everyone's brilliant,
175
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,999
everyone helps,
and you know, I likes everyone here.
176
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,079
I even likes Geoff now.
177
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,639
He's interesting.
178
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,479
And he answers my questions.
179
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:13,159
Other people sometimes go,
"Oh, Derek. Stop asking questions."
180
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,039
It's always what would win,
what would win? No-one knows.
181
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,479
'Geoff knows.'
182
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,119
What's that, a butterfly?
It's a giant moth, mate.
183
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,799
What would win out of a moth
and a butterfly?
184
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,239
Well, it depends, don't it?
If it was daytime,
185
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,439
probably be a butterfly,
cos the moth's all drowsy.
186
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,599
Cos he's been up all night?
Yeah. Yeah.
187
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,439
Why do moths bump into lamps?
188
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,839
Cos the like the light,
don't they?
189
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,639
Why do they come out at night then?
190
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:39,439
That's a good point actually, Derek. They don't
think it's a lamp that they're heading to.
191
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:42,319
What do they think it is?
They think it's the moon. Ah...
192
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:46,320
Why'd they want to go to the moon?
Cos they're idiots, mate.
193
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:50,360
Butterflies are the gayest insect.
Are they? Yeah.
194
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,719
Good drawing. Thanks, mate.
195
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,039
I only draws one thing. Yeah?
Want to see it? Show us.
196
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,359
I'm not very good,
but I draws a cat.
197
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,399
Like that. That's his ears.
198
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,519
His eyes, like that.
199
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:06,079
There's his body, there's his tail,
there's his feet.
200
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,919
It's not very good.
Not as good as yours. Good start.
201
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:12,920
See you later.
Yeah, see you later, mate.
202
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,639
Bit early, innit?
203
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:24,319
The early bird catches the worm,
babe.
204
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:25,599
What if...
205
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,719
what if the worm's
having a lie-in? What?
206
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,919
What if the early bird gets up
207
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,839
and goes, "I going to catch
the worm,"
208
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:37,359
and he gets there,
but that day, the worm's overslept,
209
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,999
and the early bird goes,
"I'm not waiting round here all day.
210
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,679
"I'm going somewhere else".
Right? And he goes off.
211
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,879
And then the late bird goes,
"Aw, what time is it?"
212
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,999
And he gets up, and he...
213
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,039
he goes, "I've probably missed
all the worms,"
214
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,559
just as the worm is getting up.
215
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,479
And he goes, "Brilliant, a worm."
216
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:59,480
And that day, the LATE bird
catches the worm.
217
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,159
Hello?
218
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,799
Is anyone listening?
219
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,519
It's despicable in here sometimes,
innit?
220
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,359
Tracey's coming in, later.
221
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,879
You know, the lady what I had
the date with, off the website.
222
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,959
She likes burping, like me.
223
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,559
We're going on another date.
224
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:18,999
I've had loads of dates with her,
225
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,639
but this is the first time
she's going to sleep over.
226
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,599
Never mind sleep over, mate.
What about leg over?
227
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,759
Kev's going to sleep
somewhere else tonight,
228
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,919
so we've got the caravan
to ourselves. Innit, Kev?
229
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,920
Yeah, I don't mind being homeless
for a mate to get some ass.
230
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:36,599
You can kip with me,
as long as you don't snore.
231
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:40,079
Cheers, love. Sorted.
232
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,799
'What can I do? They're adults.'
233
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,359
I mean, I can't say to her,
234
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,639
"Oh, no, you can't share your bed
with a homeless drunk."
235
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,079
She asked HIM!
236
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,879
I mean, how mental is that?
She asked Kev to share her bed.
237
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,239
Madness.
238
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,759
Derek, Derek. What?
239
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:57,879
There you go.
240
00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,599
Have that.
241
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,519
What is it?
Rubber johnny. Ribbed.
242
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:05,919
I'm not going to need it tonight.
243
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,279
Am I?
244
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,679
Definitely not.
245
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:12,479
Definitely won't need it because you can't
get pregnant and you've got no diseases?
246
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:16,480
Or definitely won't need it because there'll
be no rutting? No rutting. Just making sure.
247
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,799
Definitely.
248
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,799
Anyway, mate,
give her one for me, please.
249
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,679
Oooomm!
250
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:27,680
Cheers.
251
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,840
What about that polo shirt
I got you for Christmas?
252
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:37,599
I've got some aftershave
from my ex I could give you.
Make you smell nice. Excellent.
253
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:41,319
They're, um, um, giving
me suggestions how to look nice
254
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,239
and impress Tracey, when she comes.
255
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,359
She's already impressed, isn't she,
Derek? Yes.
256
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,959
There's no harm in making an effort,
make a girl feel not taken for granted.
257
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,439
Yeah, definitely. Exactly. Yeah.
258
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,359
Do all the hard work now, snare
a decent bird while you still can
259
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:57,719
and then you can relax
and let yourself go.
260
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,919
That's what I intend to do.
Sorry, what?
261
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:03,839
You intend to let yourself go,
when you've snagged a decent bird?
262
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,319
That's what I just said, baby.
263
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,719
Unbelievable.
264
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,799
Last chance for you to get on board
the Kev Twine love train.
265
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,199
We've done this.
Now I know you're pregnant
266
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,719
and normally that is a complete
turn off,
267
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,639
but I'm willing to make
an exception.
268
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:22,559
But it's got to be now or never,
babe. Never. Not intercourse.
269
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:25,999
Just a good old-fashioned
five-knuckle shuffle. No.
270
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,159
Oh, come off it.
This makes me laugh. Huh?
271
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,239
You won't toss me off,
272
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:34,240
but you're willing to stick your hand in
bloody bloke's bogs and urinals? It's mental.
273
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:38,199
One, I wear rubber gloves...
Well, wear rubber gloves then!
274
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,439
Huh? You could be scrubbing shit
off the toilet with one hand
275
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,759
and wanking me off with the other.
It's no skin off your nose.
276
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,760
What's the fucking problem?
277
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,639
That's coming off a treat, that one.
278
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,279
Yeah, lovely stuff.
Nice clean pan.
279
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:58,999
Now what's going on over here?
280
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,519
Ooohh!
281
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,399
Here he comes.
282
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,279
Here he comes!
283
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,680
Boom, boom, boom, splat!
284
00:14:07,757 --> 00:14:08,874
Ah...
285
00:14:20,713 --> 00:14:24,491
'We all needs a mate...'
Hiya! '..it's natural.'
286
00:14:24,492 --> 00:14:28,492
And it might take you a while to find
the right one, but you will.
287
00:14:29,132 --> 00:14:30,639
And you might lose 'em,
288
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:34,239
but it was good that you found them
in the first place.
289
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,800
Everyone here has had a mate
and lost 'em,
290
00:14:36,801 --> 00:14:40,800
but life's only interesting
if you shares it.
291
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:44,959
Joan used to say,
"If you want to go fast, go alone.
292
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,799
"If you want to go far, go together."
293
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,280
Right.
294
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,359
We're going on our date now.
Have a lovely time.
295
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:53,919
Have a good night.
296
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:57,920
Bye-bye, have fun. Be careful.
297
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,479
Here we are.
298
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,159
This looks very nice. Yeah.
299
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,879
Doin' it here,
like Come Dine With Me.
300
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,479
Right.
301
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,239
First course...
302
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,879
Cheese on toast.
Lovely. Excellent.
303
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,599
What's the second course?
304
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,039
Erm... beans on
toast... with cheese on top.
305
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,559
And pudding? Erm... cheese and
biscuits and erm... a cheesecake.
306
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:23,879
I didn't make that though.
307
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:27,279
I just bought it in a packet from
Lidl's. Lots of cheese tonight.
308
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,799
Yeah. I likes cheese.
309
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,079
I like cheese as well.
310
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:34,080
She likes cheese as well.
311
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:41,680
It's lovely.
312
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,119
Mmm.
313
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,719
What you having?
Cheese on toast.
314
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,239
What's main course, mate?
315
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,199
Beans on toast with cheese on top.
316
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,559
You going to melt the cheese?
317
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,079
What? On the top of the beans?
Yeah.
318
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,799
No. I'm going to do... Do the toast,
319
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,959
then boil the beans.
Not boil them.
320
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,559
What is it when it's in the saucepan,
but...? Warm them up.
321
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,199
Warm them up. Put that on the toast.
322
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,039
Then just... I got some grated
cheese,
323
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:11,319
and then I'm going to put the grated
cheese on top, cos the beans...
324
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:15,320
The-The heat of the beans will melt
the cheese anyway.
325
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,959
He's right.
What's for pudding, mate?
326
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,960
Erm... cheese and biscuits
and erm... cheesecake.
327
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:25,559
Where'd you get cheesecake from,
mate? Lidl's. How much was that? £1.29.
328
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,199
How much?! £1.29. Bloody hell.
329
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,039
You going to eat it all? No.
330
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,359
We'll just have a bit each.
D'you want some? Yeah.
331
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:37,239
Not now, Kev! Later.
It's all right.
332
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:41,240
He's on a date! Sit down!
Have it later.
333
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:44,359
We could leave him some. Huh?
334
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:48,360
We could leave him some.
We'll leave him some, yeah.
335
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,319
'I likes Tracy.'
336
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,439
I likes her face
and the things she says.
337
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,919
She's nice inside and out...
338
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:09,159
..like a Cadbury's Creme Egg.
339
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:13,160
Have you had enough? I've had a lot,
thank you. I've had enough.
340
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,999
We're finished. Aw.
We're full now.
341
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,679
Did you have a nice time?
Yeah, brilliant. We're going...
342
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,319
Going to go in the caravan now.
OK.
343
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,439
Bye. Night-night.
344
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,319
See ya, Kev.
345
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:32,320
Sleep well. Thank you.
Good night!
346
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,320
That's sweet, bless him.
347
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,079
Where did you get that from?
Jumble sale.
348
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,319
Get loads of things from jumble
sales.
349
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:52,320
Can you? Yeah.
350
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:59,959
It's my bestest night cos
you're here.
351
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,559
Should we go to sleep? Yeah.
352
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,119
Oh, there's a towel here.
Don't touch it!
353
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,679
It's Kev's.
Why should I not touch it?
354
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,519
I don't want to go into too much
detail at the moment...
355
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:15,119
but just trust me on this. OK.
356
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:19,120
Good night. Night.
357
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,199
Oh, put your top on, Kev,
for God's sake. All right.
358
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:37,200
Vicky's assessor's coming over
later. All right!
359
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,999
Where's Tracey? Walking home.
360
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,519
Good. I can go
and have a kip in the caravan.
361
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,199
Didn't get any sleep last night
362
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:47,399
because she kept nicking
all the covers. I was freezing.
363
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,919
Well, I told you. If you wore
pyjamas you wouldn't get cold.
364
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,199
Nah. Au naturelle, love.
Let it all hang free.
365
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,519
Well, then, it's your own fault.
366
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,520
Normal day at Broad Hill.
367
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,759
Is there any toast?
Well, there's bread, yeah.
368
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,919
What? There's bread. Wh...?
369
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,599
Why d'you say that? Because you can
make toast out of bread.
370
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,319
Yeah, I know what toast is
made out of.
371
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,079
I said, "Is there any toast?"
And you said, "There's bread."
372
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,679
But there isn't any toast. What?
373
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:19,039
There isn't any toast.
There's only bread.
374
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:22,559
But I can... I mean, toast is made
of bread.
375
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:23,999
Don't worry about it, Derek...
376
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,559
No, no, no. But I came in and said,
"Is there any toast?"
377
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,759
And I don't know why you'd say,
"There's bread."
378
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,719
Why don't you say,
"Yeah, there's toast"?
379
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,759
Because it isn't toast yet.
380
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:36,760
I haven't toasted it.
It's still bread.
381
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,840
Do you want some toast, Derek?
Please.
382
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,599
He's done her.
383
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,559
Is that the condom you gave him?
Yes.
384
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:58,560
What, he's used it? Yes.
385
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:26,719
So do you do a lot of the cooking
here then? Er... well...
386
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,239
everyone mucks in really.
387
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:32,240
I'm no Delia Smith, but I make
an all right bacon sandwich.
388
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,759
Who is that?
389
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:43,760
Er... he's... He's... visiting one of
the residents.
390
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:47,719
What can you do, eh?
391
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,919
Hey! You know
you're not allowed in there.
392
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,479
What are you on about?
I'm getting a beer. Oi! Careful!
393
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,039
Oh, shit! Shit!
394
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:55,559
Get out!
395
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,559
Come on, out!
396
00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:59,879
All right. Out! I'm out!
397
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,839
I don't mean out of the kitchen,
398
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:05,239
I mean out of the home!
Just get the fuck out, Kev! What?
399
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,279
Just get out! What don't you get it?
Go! I don't know where to go!
400
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,959
I don't give a shit!
You're a liability! Get out!
401
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,439
Hannah, it's fine. It's not fine.
402
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,599
I don't want to hear about it,
Derek. It's ridiculous.
403
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,639
Where's he going?
I don't care where he's going.
404
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,599
Tell-tell him to sort of get out
for a minute and then calm down.
405
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,639
No! Absolutely ridiculous. Are you
all right, Cath? Yeah. Are you?
406
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,559
No, I'm not. Go sit and down,
Hannah. I'll get you a seat.
407
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:30,359
I'll get you a cup of tea.
It's all sorted.
408
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,519
Do you want a cup of tea, yeah?
Yes, please... I've got one.
409
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,359
Sorry about that. No, no, it's fine.
410
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,439
Do you want a cup of tea?
You sure you're all right? Yeah...
411
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:42,440
Everything's all right now.
412
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,960
Shall I get Kev in to talk about it?
No! I don't want him here, Derek.
413
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,479
I've had enough.
414
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:53,480
What? Forever? Yes, forever.
415
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,599
When can he come back?
He can't. What? Never? No! Why not?
416
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,399
I have to worry about the home.
Why can't we worry about Kev as well?
417
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,719
Because it's my job to take
care of the residents.
418
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,759
A lot of money is spent on making
sure they are safe and looked after.
419
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,759
Yeah. What? And if they couldn't pay,
would you just chuck 'em out?
420
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,959
Of course I wouldn't.
Exactly! What would you do?
421
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,439
Well, I'd work something out. So
let's work something out with Kev.
422
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,359
I can't.
423
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:18,159
I don't want to work here
any more then.
424
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,759
Of course you do. You love it here.
425
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,719
No. If we can't care for everyone,
what's the point?
426
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,119
Oh, don't be silly, Derek. No.
427
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:27,119
I'm not needed here. You said
yourself,
428
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:30,079
you'd never let anything happen
to the residents, so they're safe.
429
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,799
I better look after Kev.
He'll be fine.
430
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,839
He won't be fine. Where's he going
to go? Oh, he'll survive,
431
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,840
like a cockroach.
432
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:43,079
Derek. Derek.
433
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:47,080
Derek.
434
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:49,839
'Yeah, I know it seemed a bit harsh.
435
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,519
'But Derek, for all his goodness,
436
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:55,199
'he's always had an idealised view
of the world. It's not perfect.'
437
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:58,719
You can't help everyone. It would be
great if you could, but you can't.
438
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:01,119
You're wasting your time.
It's pie in the sky.
439
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:04,399
He called an ambulance to help
a baby bird, for Christ's sake.
440
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,439
I mean, you know,
you try and explain to him,
441
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,799
"But someone else might have
needed that ambulance,
442
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,679
"Derek, for something more important."
He doesn't understand it.
443
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,680
He sees a baby bird and he thinks,
"What's more important than this?"
444
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:22,719
It was horrible, the way he looked
at me - I can't stand it.
445
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,839
It's... It's not
that he's angry. He's...
446
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,999
It's that he's disappointed...
447
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,840
and there's nothing worse than Derek
being disappointed in you -
448
00:23:30,841 --> 00:23:32,547
it's crushing.
449
00:23:48,070 --> 00:23:52,070
Oh, it's the police.
450
00:23:55,469 --> 00:23:57,669
Is it a stripogram?
451
00:23:57,669 --> 00:23:59,628
No, it's not your birthday.
452
00:23:59,629 --> 00:24:01,388
Oh, isn't it?
453
00:24:01,389 --> 00:24:03,428
Hello. Does Kevin Twine live here?
454
00:24:03,429 --> 00:24:05,629
No. He used to,
but she chucked him out.
455
00:24:05,630 --> 00:24:07,549
Yeah, well,
he didn't officially live here.
456
00:24:07,549 --> 00:24:09,108
He was basically squatting.
457
00:24:09,109 --> 00:24:11,388
Right. Well he was found
unconscious this morning.
458
00:24:11,389 --> 00:24:13,868
He was in a pretty bad way
so he was rushed to the hospital.
459
00:24:13,869 --> 00:24:15,268
Did he do drugs? No!
460
00:24:15,269 --> 00:24:18,748
What hospital? Bridge Heath General.
He's conscious now.
461
00:24:18,749 --> 00:24:20,468
Does he have any clothes here
at all?
462
00:24:20,469 --> 00:24:23,628
Um, yeah. Yeah, he does, yeah.
463
00:24:23,629 --> 00:24:25,988
Can you give me a lift there, please?
464
00:24:25,989 --> 00:24:28,068
Eh, that's not normal procedure,
I'm afraid.
465
00:24:28,069 --> 00:24:30,828
I'll give you a lift, Derek.
466
00:24:30,829 --> 00:24:33,068
Thank you.
467
00:24:33,069 --> 00:24:35,308
Kev's in hospital! Thanks. OK.
468
00:24:35,309 --> 00:24:38,188
Yeah, yeah, I knew this would happen.
469
00:24:38,189 --> 00:24:42,189
But if someone's chucked out, what...
anything can happen, can't it?
470
00:24:42,429 --> 00:24:44,828
It's very dangerous to be homeless.
471
00:24:44,829 --> 00:24:47,908
It's what I've been saying.
No-one's listening to me.
472
00:24:47,909 --> 00:24:51,909
What are we going to do now?
Quick, let's go and get him.
473
00:24:59,629 --> 00:25:03,629
There he is.
474
00:25:04,469 --> 00:25:08,469
Hiya. Hello.
475
00:25:12,349 --> 00:25:16,229
All right? Mm-hm.
476
00:25:19,949 --> 00:25:21,988
That was a hell of a party.
477
00:25:21,989 --> 00:25:25,188
It was just me in a skip with
six cans of Special Brew and a vodka
478
00:25:25,189 --> 00:25:27,068
but still...
479
00:25:27,069 --> 00:25:30,948
Well, good.
Glad you went out on a high,
480
00:25:30,949 --> 00:25:32,748
cos your partying days are over.
481
00:25:32,749 --> 00:25:34,588
Oh, yeah? Who says?
482
00:25:34,589 --> 00:25:37,268
Nurse and doctor, you're ill.
483
00:25:37,269 --> 00:25:40,668
You've got severe alcohol poisoning.
They found liver damage.
484
00:25:40,669 --> 00:25:42,148
You had internal bleeding.
485
00:25:42,149 --> 00:25:44,388
The police assumed you was
a junkie that had OD'd.
486
00:25:44,389 --> 00:25:46,388
The woman who found you
and called the police,
487
00:25:46,389 --> 00:25:47,708
she thought you looked dead.
488
00:25:47,709 --> 00:25:50,028
That you'd fallen off the balcony
from the flats above,
489
00:25:50,029 --> 00:25:51,548
you looked that fucked up.
490
00:25:51,549 --> 00:25:53,228
Not a bad idea, that.
491
00:25:53,229 --> 00:25:55,588
What? Falling from the balcony
of the flats.
492
00:25:55,589 --> 00:25:57,788
Would be better than living,
to be honest with you.
493
00:25:57,789 --> 00:25:59,148
Don't say that, Kev.
494
00:25:59,149 --> 00:26:01,708
Well, it's true, innit?
It's not true. Yeah, it is.
495
00:26:01,709 --> 00:26:04,788
Please stop drinking.
Or else you'll die.
496
00:26:04,789 --> 00:26:06,868
We all die.
497
00:26:06,869 --> 00:26:08,468
Right. I can't listen to this.
498
00:26:08,469 --> 00:26:11,108
Don't listen to him, Derek,
he's just looking for attention.
499
00:26:11,109 --> 00:26:12,588
I'll wait for you outside.
500
00:26:12,589 --> 00:26:15,708
I'm a burden. I'm useless.
Who would miss me?
501
00:26:15,709 --> 00:26:17,948
You're not useless.
Loads of people would miss you.
502
00:26:17,949 --> 00:26:21,949
You're good at loads of stuff.
Who will miss me? What am I good at?
503
00:26:22,109 --> 00:26:23,388
Sex.
504
00:26:23,389 --> 00:26:25,628
All the ladies what you done it with
will miss ya.
505
00:26:25,629 --> 00:26:27,668
It's all bullshit, mate. What?
506
00:26:27,669 --> 00:26:29,708
I'm a virgin! What?
507
00:26:29,709 --> 00:26:31,428
What?
What does it mean you're a virgin?
508
00:26:31,429 --> 00:26:34,029
What does it mean? Yeah. I've
never stuck my willie up a woman.
509
00:26:35,389 --> 00:26:37,588
What, you've never done it?
No. I've never done it.
510
00:26:37,589 --> 00:26:39,388
I'm always too fucking shitfaced.
511
00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:43,068
I mean,
who would have sex with this?
512
00:26:43,069 --> 00:26:44,388
What about Janice?
513
00:26:44,389 --> 00:26:46,748
Well, yeah, she's the only woman
that's ever let me try,
514
00:26:46,749 --> 00:26:48,988
but I could never find her hole.
515
00:26:48,989 --> 00:26:51,028
Either of them.
516
00:26:51,029 --> 00:26:53,468
Rolling around for ages,
don't think I got close.
517
00:26:53,469 --> 00:26:54,668
She is massive!
518
00:26:54,669 --> 00:26:57,508
So you've never actually got it...?
I've never put it up her, mate.
519
00:26:57,509 --> 00:26:59,908
Still, the offer was there.
She agreed to keep up the lie,
520
00:26:59,909 --> 00:27:02,628
that's why she went looking
elsewhere, can you blame her?
521
00:27:02,629 --> 00:27:05,348
Anyway, you were trying to
think of something I was good at
522
00:27:05,349 --> 00:27:09,349
and you failed, mate.
523
00:27:10,189 --> 00:27:13,468
Please stop drinking, Kev.
I don't want you to die.
524
00:27:13,469 --> 00:27:15,908
You can do it.
You can stop drinking.
525
00:27:15,909 --> 00:27:18,868
It's not that I can't live
without drink, all right?
526
00:27:18,869 --> 00:27:21,388
I've just given up
trying to be happy.
527
00:27:21,389 --> 00:27:24,628
OK? It's never going to happen.
528
00:27:24,629 --> 00:27:28,629
I've lost.
529
00:27:28,669 --> 00:27:30,868
What about rule number one?
530
00:27:30,869 --> 00:27:32,188
What?
531
00:27:32,189 --> 00:27:35,628
Always get up.
532
00:27:35,629 --> 00:27:39,629
Too tired.
533
00:27:46,869 --> 00:27:50,028
Anyone want a cup of tea? No.
534
00:27:50,029 --> 00:27:54,029
No?
535
00:28:00,029 --> 00:28:04,029
Fancy a... Shall we play a game?
536
00:28:05,349 --> 00:28:09,349
No?
537
00:28:11,789 --> 00:28:13,668
Right, you lazy fucking nonce.
538
00:28:13,669 --> 00:28:17,428
Heh! Clifford! All right, boy?
539
00:28:17,429 --> 00:28:19,908
Sign of the Twine, mate.
Yaaaay! Oooah!
540
00:28:19,909 --> 00:28:22,228
Double Twine, Double Twine.
541
00:28:22,229 --> 00:28:24,188
Lovely to see you, mate.
542
00:28:24,189 --> 00:28:26,228
Sit down.
543
00:28:26,229 --> 00:28:30,229
I'll take this, mate.
You don't mind, do you?
544
00:28:30,549 --> 00:28:32,548
Remember this piece of shit?
545
00:28:32,549 --> 00:28:34,268
Adrian!
546
00:28:34,269 --> 00:28:37,388
Nice to see you, mate.
Sign of the Twine.
547
00:28:37,389 --> 00:28:40,748
Wow, bloody hell, look at you.
Looking good.
548
00:28:40,749 --> 00:28:42,468
This is my older brother, Adrian.
549
00:28:42,469 --> 00:28:44,268
Bloody hell,
haven't seen you for ages.
550
00:28:44,269 --> 00:28:46,828
He ain't spoken since, eh, '84?
551
00:28:46,829 --> 00:28:50,829
1984. Hasn't said a word since 1984.
552
00:28:59,549 --> 00:29:02,229
Thanks for coming along, guys.
553
00:29:03,709 --> 00:29:05,068
Bloody hell, what...?
554
00:29:05,069 --> 00:29:06,228
Mum!
555
00:29:06,229 --> 00:29:07,548
Dad!
556
00:29:07,549 --> 00:29:09,028
Yay!
557
00:29:09,029 --> 00:29:11,268
Bloody hell,
it's like This Is Your Life.
558
00:29:11,269 --> 00:29:12,908
This is your shit life!
559
00:29:12,909 --> 00:29:14,028
All right, Dad?
560
00:29:14,029 --> 00:29:15,148
The old sign of the Tw...
561
00:29:15,149 --> 00:29:17,268
He's the one in the wheelbarrow,
my dad.
562
00:29:17,269 --> 00:29:18,668
You all right? Yeah.
563
00:29:18,669 --> 00:29:22,388
Modified that wheelbarrow,
so he doesn't have to go to the lav.
564
00:29:22,389 --> 00:29:25,428
Just pulls the blanket back,
all the shit and piss goes
565
00:29:25,429 --> 00:29:29,348
down the tube into an old Tupperware
pot and then Mum empties it.
566
00:29:29,349 --> 00:29:31,428
Yes. Quite a life.
567
00:29:31,429 --> 00:29:35,429
Oh, tried to get him a wheelchair,
but I couldn't get a free one
568
00:29:36,189 --> 00:29:40,189
cos technically he isn't disabled,
he's just lazy. He's just lazy.
569
00:29:40,429 --> 00:29:43,228
And a disgusting wreck.
570
00:29:43,229 --> 00:29:45,108
Oh, Kev, what you playing at?
571
00:29:45,109 --> 00:29:47,628
Don't start, Mum, this is me.
572
00:29:47,629 --> 00:29:51,629
Darlin'. No offence, yous two,
573
00:29:51,749 --> 00:29:55,348
but you're the only one
I ever had any hope for.
574
00:29:55,349 --> 00:29:58,188
You're the only normal birth
and all.
575
00:29:58,189 --> 00:30:01,188
I mean, Adrian,
oh, God, it was a nightmare.
576
00:30:01,189 --> 00:30:04,868
22 hours' labour, wrong way round.
577
00:30:04,869 --> 00:30:07,388
I split at one point. TMI, Mum.
578
00:30:07,389 --> 00:30:09,228
What's that? Too much info.
579
00:30:09,229 --> 00:30:12,948
Cliff, Cliff,
we thought was retarded for ages
580
00:30:12,949 --> 00:30:15,028
but nah, he's just ugly.
581
00:30:15,029 --> 00:30:16,988
Just ugly.
582
00:30:16,989 --> 00:30:20,989
But you, Kev, darling...
583
00:30:21,509 --> 00:30:24,308
sort yourself out! Why?
584
00:30:24,309 --> 00:30:27,068
So you can push me round
in a wheelbarrow like Dad?
585
00:30:27,069 --> 00:30:28,868
I would and all.
586
00:30:28,869 --> 00:30:30,828
You could have this one.
587
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:33,708
He ain't got long. Hopefully.
588
00:30:33,709 --> 00:30:35,629
Something to look forward to, innit?
589
00:30:36,749 --> 00:30:40,749
Oh, shut up, you silly old...
590
00:30:42,389 --> 00:30:45,468
I told you no grizzling in here.
591
00:30:45,469 --> 00:30:47,708
'Well, life isn't
everything obviously.
592
00:30:47,709 --> 00:30:50,068
'It's quality of life,
that's the main thing, isn't it?
593
00:30:50,069 --> 00:30:51,308
'That's what's important.'
594
00:30:51,309 --> 00:30:53,348
I mean, if somebody
has lost everything,
595
00:30:53,349 --> 00:30:57,349
there's no hope or no joy,
I'd... I'd help 'em end it. You know?
596
00:30:57,629 --> 00:30:59,628
I'd go to jail for it, to be honest.
597
00:30:59,629 --> 00:31:03,629
But I won't let someone quit
that's got everything to live for,
598
00:31:04,109 --> 00:31:05,668
like Kev.
599
00:31:05,669 --> 00:31:08,308
I mean, being in agony
from terminal cancer,
600
00:31:08,309 --> 00:31:09,708
that's completely different
601
00:31:09,709 --> 00:31:11,948
to not fancying going without booze
for a few years.
602
00:31:11,949 --> 00:31:15,949
It's totally different.
I won't have it.
603
00:31:16,509 --> 00:31:19,748
Yeah? I hear you told Derek that you
don't want to give up drinking
604
00:31:19,749 --> 00:31:22,148
cos you don't see any point
in living. Oh, here we go.
605
00:31:22,149 --> 00:31:24,828
This is when you tell me
I can have a good life, is it?
606
00:31:24,829 --> 00:31:27,828
I've got some worth.
Blah blah blah blah...
607
00:31:27,829 --> 00:31:29,988
Not quite.
608
00:31:29,989 --> 00:31:32,868
Go on.
609
00:31:32,869 --> 00:31:35,668
I just popped in to tell you
that you're a selfish cunt.
610
00:31:35,669 --> 00:31:37,028
You're a pathetic coward
611
00:31:37,029 --> 00:31:39,228
and you don't deserve
all this care you're getting.
612
00:31:39,229 --> 00:31:41,348
And you really don't deserve
a friend like Derek.
613
00:31:41,349 --> 00:31:43,348
I don't know what he sees in you,
I never have.
614
00:31:43,349 --> 00:31:45,748
I've got no idea why
he wants you to live a long life
615
00:31:45,749 --> 00:31:46,948
and be his friend forever.
616
00:31:46,949 --> 00:31:49,188
I don't know why he thinks
he needs you but he does
617
00:31:49,189 --> 00:31:52,628
and I care about Derek and I won't
let anyone or anything harm him
618
00:31:52,629 --> 00:31:55,028
including something
as useless as you, Kev.
619
00:31:55,029 --> 00:31:58,108
So here's what you're going to do.
You're going to stop drinking.
620
00:31:58,109 --> 00:32:00,148
You're going to stop
drowning your sorrows
621
00:32:00,149 --> 00:32:01,868
and get through your day sober.
622
00:32:01,869 --> 00:32:04,548
And you will lay awake at night
wishing you were dead
623
00:32:04,549 --> 00:32:07,108
and you'll wake up in the morning
wishing you were dead
624
00:32:07,109 --> 00:32:08,868
but you're just
going to get through it
625
00:32:08,869 --> 00:32:10,588
and that will keep going on,
all right?
626
00:32:10,589 --> 00:32:13,428
You'll keep wishing you were dead,
waking up wishing you were dead,
627
00:32:13,429 --> 00:32:14,788
but one night, you'll sleep,
628
00:32:14,789 --> 00:32:17,308
and one morning, you'll wake up
wishing you were dead just a
629
00:32:17,309 --> 00:32:21,309
little bit less and then you'll stop
wishing you were dead altogether.
630
00:32:21,829 --> 00:32:25,148
And you'll start wishing
you had a better life.
631
00:32:25,149 --> 00:32:28,748
And then you'll start living.
632
00:32:28,749 --> 00:32:31,868
And that will all have been
because of Derek.
633
00:32:31,869 --> 00:32:33,748
And then maybe
you'd have paid him back
634
00:32:33,749 --> 00:32:37,749
for everything he's done for you.
635
00:34:36,349 --> 00:34:40,349
I'm going to try and stop drinking.
Are you?
636
00:34:48,549 --> 00:34:50,828
How long you got to
stay in hospital for?
637
00:34:50,829 --> 00:34:53,068
They said I could go home
in a couple of days.
638
00:34:53,069 --> 00:34:57,069
I said I haven't got a home.
639
00:35:00,949 --> 00:35:03,189
Right, well, you've got to stay
out of the kitchen.
640
00:35:03,190 --> 00:35:06,309
Well, I won't need to go the fridge,
will I, if there's no beer in there.
641
00:35:06,309 --> 00:35:07,708
What a life.
642
00:35:07,709 --> 00:35:08,868
Brilliant.
643
00:35:08,869 --> 00:35:10,148
Oh.
644
00:35:10,149 --> 00:35:13,508
And the nurses have asked me to ask
you to cut down on the self-abuse.
645
00:35:13,509 --> 00:35:14,948
Self-abuse. What's that?
646
00:35:14,949 --> 00:35:17,708
Masturbation, mate,
and no, I will not cut down.
647
00:35:17,709 --> 00:35:19,788
It's the only pleasure
I've got left in life.
648
00:35:19,789 --> 00:35:22,108
Bloody cut down.
Why would they even say that?
649
00:35:22,109 --> 00:35:23,868
Because in their words,
650
00:35:23,869 --> 00:35:26,468
your sheets are like
a Ryvita biscuit in the morning.
651
00:35:26,469 --> 00:35:28,428
Of course they are.
I've got no socks.
652
00:35:28,429 --> 00:35:30,108
They took my clothes away.
653
00:35:30,109 --> 00:35:31,628
I'm not the only one who's at it.
654
00:35:31,629 --> 00:35:34,828
Sounds like a bloody zoo in here at
night. Everyone's going for it.
655
00:35:34,829 --> 00:35:38,468
Bloody Peter and his asthma,
he can't masturbate quietly.
656
00:35:38,469 --> 00:35:41,068
And Tony with his tracheotomy,
Jesus Christ,
657
00:35:41,069 --> 00:35:44,308
when those two are at it, it sounds
like a pair of busted bag pipes.
658
00:35:44,309 --> 00:35:46,468
Right. Say goodbye, Derek.
659
00:35:46,469 --> 00:35:48,668
Bye. See ya.
660
00:35:48,669 --> 00:35:51,094
See you soon.
661
00:36:18,942 --> 00:36:22,222
Kev's here.
662
00:36:22,244 --> 00:36:26,244
Hannah, you know I'm giving you away,
cos you haven't got a dad?
663
00:36:27,284 --> 00:36:29,084
Yeah, you still wanna do that? Yeah.
664
00:36:29,085 --> 00:36:32,562
But I was thinking it would
be nice if you asked Kev.
665
00:36:32,563 --> 00:36:34,763
But I thought you wanted to do it.
No, I do...
666
00:36:34,763 --> 00:36:37,202
but it... it would be nice
for Kev, wouldn't it?
667
00:36:37,203 --> 00:36:39,402
If you asked him,
if he gave you away?
668
00:36:39,403 --> 00:36:43,403
Would that make you happy? Yeah.
669
00:36:44,523 --> 00:36:46,442
Fucking hell. What?
670
00:36:46,443 --> 00:36:48,962
Is that... is that a yes?
671
00:36:48,963 --> 00:36:51,682
Yeah... What... you'll
let him give you away?
672
00:36:51,683 --> 00:36:55,683
Yeah... Thank you.
673
00:36:55,763 --> 00:36:59,763
Go and tell him.
674
00:37:00,683 --> 00:37:02,722
Hiya, Kev. Can I have a quick word?
675
00:37:02,723 --> 00:37:04,402
Yeah.
676
00:37:04,403 --> 00:37:08,403
Would you like to give me away?
677
00:37:09,803 --> 00:37:12,042
What about Derek?
678
00:37:12,043 --> 00:37:14,362
He'll be fine.
679
00:37:14,363 --> 00:37:15,602
It's his idea, innit?
680
00:37:15,603 --> 00:37:18,322
Yeah.
681
00:37:18,323 --> 00:37:21,402
You OK with me doing it?
682
00:37:21,403 --> 00:37:24,682
Well, Derek's always right.
683
00:37:24,683 --> 00:37:27,522
Thank you.
684
00:37:27,523 --> 00:37:31,042
And I'm sorry that
I called you a selfish cunt.
685
00:37:31,043 --> 00:37:33,202
Why?
686
00:37:33,203 --> 00:37:34,642
You were right.
687
00:37:34,643 --> 00:37:36,842
No, you're not selfish.
688
00:37:36,843 --> 00:37:39,602
And you're not a cunt.
689
00:37:39,603 --> 00:37:43,603
You're just in pain.
690
00:37:43,643 --> 00:37:46,682
I've never... never been
jealous of anyone till now.
691
00:37:46,683 --> 00:37:49,682
Who are you jealous of?
692
00:37:49,683 --> 00:37:53,002
Tom.
693
00:37:53,003 --> 00:37:57,002
I'd like to pound that rump
like an angry butcher.
694
00:37:57,003 --> 00:37:58,162
And I could now I'm sober.
695
00:37:58,163 --> 00:38:00,402
And it would be over quick,
which is good for you.
696
00:38:00,403 --> 00:38:04,403
Let's not spoil the moment. OK.
697
00:38:04,963 --> 00:38:08,963
And he's back!
698
00:38:21,643 --> 00:38:23,842
Good, innit?
699
00:38:23,843 --> 00:38:26,082
Balloons and that.
700
00:38:26,083 --> 00:38:27,922
Very excited.
701
00:38:27,923 --> 00:38:29,402
Honoured.
702
00:38:29,403 --> 00:38:33,403
I'm honoured to be
giving Hannah away.
703
00:38:36,283 --> 00:38:38,602
Look at this guy.
704
00:38:38,603 --> 00:38:40,602
He's going to be an usher,
aren't you, Jack?
705
00:38:40,603 --> 00:38:42,322
What? You're going to be an usher.
706
00:38:42,323 --> 00:38:44,802
A mushroom?
707
00:38:44,803 --> 00:38:48,803
It's going to be good, innit?
708
00:38:55,483 --> 00:38:58,442
Derek! Not today, mate, please.
709
00:38:58,443 --> 00:39:01,562
That's an arm bar. Is it? Yeah.
710
00:39:01,563 --> 00:39:03,362
I'm suited and booted, mate.
711
00:39:03,363 --> 00:39:04,762
Look at that.
712
00:39:04,763 --> 00:39:08,763
He can't get out of that,
whatever he does.
713
00:39:11,643 --> 00:39:14,202
Absolutely brilliant.
You're so talented.
714
00:39:14,203 --> 00:39:17,643
Thank you. Oh, stop it!
715
00:39:19,243 --> 00:39:21,602
Don't fancy yours much.
716
00:39:21,603 --> 00:39:24,122
Nah, I do. I'd do 'em both.
717
00:39:24,123 --> 00:39:27,042
Actually, I probably wouldn't
these days, now I'm sober.
718
00:39:27,043 --> 00:39:29,122
One at a time.
719
00:39:29,123 --> 00:39:31,002
New regime.
720
00:39:31,003 --> 00:39:34,202
So are we just here?
721
00:39:34,203 --> 00:39:35,802
Quite nervous, actually.
722
00:39:35,803 --> 00:39:38,042
You don't need to be
nervous of this lot.
723
00:39:38,043 --> 00:39:40,322
Any of these kick off,
I'll kill 'em.
724
00:39:40,323 --> 00:39:42,202
No-one's going to kick off,
it's a wedding.
725
00:39:42,203 --> 00:39:44,362
I've been to wedding's
where it's kicked off.
726
00:39:44,363 --> 00:39:47,082
That one's got a stick. Oh, Des.
727
00:39:47,083 --> 00:39:49,482
You're not a bouncer.
You're the best man.
728
00:39:49,483 --> 00:39:51,202
Your job is the rings. That is it.
729
00:39:51,203 --> 00:39:53,522
I'm the best man. Yep.
730
00:39:53,523 --> 00:39:57,523
Come on. Nice to see you.
731
00:39:58,723 --> 00:40:02,723
Watch yourself. Des!
732
00:40:05,883 --> 00:40:09,363
All stand.
733
00:40:52,883 --> 00:40:56,643
'I'm worried Hannah won't come back
after her maternity leave.
734
00:40:56,643 --> 00:40:59,762
'I wishes she wasn't
going at all, but...
735
00:40:59,763 --> 00:41:02,682
'..that's... that's me just
thinking what's better for me, '
736
00:41:02,683 --> 00:41:06,122
but you got to worry about
what's best for Hannah.
737
00:41:06,123 --> 00:41:07,722
You know.
738
00:41:07,723 --> 00:41:11,723
It's like once, I found this
pigeon what couldn't fly
739
00:41:11,843 --> 00:41:15,843
and I took it in and I looked
after it and made it strong
740
00:41:16,403 --> 00:41:20,403
and then one day it was
flapping at the window...
741
00:41:20,683 --> 00:41:23,442
..cos it was wanting to go,
and I was sad
742
00:41:23,443 --> 00:41:27,043
that it wanted to go, but I
was happy that it was better.
743
00:41:27,044 --> 00:41:30,203
So I opened the window
and I let it go. It flew off.
744
00:41:30,203 --> 00:41:33,242
And it stopped for a minute on
the fence and sort of looked back
745
00:41:33,243 --> 00:41:35,282
and I think it was saying,
"Thanks, Derek.
746
00:41:35,283 --> 00:41:37,162
"Thanks for helping me,
747
00:41:37,163 --> 00:41:39,402
"but I've got to go now.
748
00:41:39,403 --> 00:41:43,403
"My own family, they needs me more."
749
00:41:43,443 --> 00:41:46,562
That was good.
750
00:41:46,563 --> 00:41:50,563
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could
just have your attention, please?
751
00:41:53,923 --> 00:41:55,923
Shut the fuck up!
752
00:41:59,763 --> 00:42:03,042
Er... the father of the bride.
753
00:42:03,043 --> 00:42:04,522
Oh, God.
754
00:42:04,523 --> 00:42:07,002
I forgot the father of
the bride makes a speech.
755
00:42:07,003 --> 00:42:09,202
Oh, Christ. Uh, er...
756
00:42:09,203 --> 00:42:13,203
I think we're all agreed
this is quite a tragic event.
757
00:42:13,563 --> 00:42:15,362
They couldn't do a church.
758
00:42:15,363 --> 00:42:18,202
She's dressed in white when
she's about to drop a sprog.
759
00:42:18,203 --> 00:42:19,882
Sprog. She works 60 hours a week
760
00:42:19,883 --> 00:42:22,082
while her new husband
works on the bins.
761
00:42:22,083 --> 00:42:24,362
They haven't got a pot
to piss in, money-wise,
762
00:42:24,363 --> 00:42:27,242
hence the low-budget reception
in an old people's home
763
00:42:27,243 --> 00:42:29,962
with some of the worst guests
you could imagine.
764
00:42:29,963 --> 00:42:33,963
Definitely.
765
00:42:34,683 --> 00:42:38,122
The best man is an absolute psycho.
No offence, mate.
766
00:42:38,123 --> 00:42:42,123
And her dad is dead, hence me
of all people giving her away.
767
00:42:42,683 --> 00:42:46,602
And they've got no honeymoon
whatsoever to look forward to.
768
00:42:46,603 --> 00:42:50,603
Awful.
769
00:42:51,003 --> 00:42:52,242
And it got me thinking,
770
00:42:52,243 --> 00:42:56,243
"Has there ever been
a worse wedding than this?"
771
00:42:57,483 --> 00:43:01,483
And then I remembered a story
I was told when I was at school.
772
00:43:02,523 --> 00:43:06,523
On April 29th, 1945, in Berlin,
773
00:43:07,363 --> 00:43:10,082
with the Russian army closing in,
774
00:43:10,083 --> 00:43:14,083
Adolf Hitler, in his bunker, married
the love of his life Eva Braun.
775
00:43:16,523 --> 00:43:18,602
What?
776
00:43:18,603 --> 00:43:22,603
They drank champagne,
ate some cake and retired to bed.
777
00:43:24,203 --> 00:43:27,082
In the morning,
Eva took some cyanide,
778
00:43:27,083 --> 00:43:29,282
Adolf shot himself in the head
779
00:43:29,283 --> 00:43:33,283
and the gardener burnt their bodies.
780
00:43:35,123 --> 00:43:39,123
And that is a worse wedding
than this.
781
00:43:47,563 --> 00:43:49,522
To the bride and groom.
782
00:43:49,523 --> 00:43:53,202
To the bride and groom!
783
00:43:53,203 --> 00:43:54,562
Well done, Kev.
784
00:43:54,563 --> 00:43:58,162
Ladies and gentlemen, now it's,
er, it's time for the first dance.
785
00:43:58,163 --> 00:43:59,922
OK.
786
00:43:59,923 --> 00:44:01,402
Come on, you fucking...
787
00:44:01,403 --> 00:44:04,083
Come on, you fucking...!
There it is.
788
00:45:22,243 --> 00:45:24,003
He's so handsome.
789
00:45:24,003 --> 00:45:26,523
He's got your eyes.
790
00:45:28,483 --> 00:45:30,842
Yeah, lovely.
Do you want to hold him?
791
00:45:30,843 --> 00:45:32,282
What if I drops him?
792
00:45:32,283 --> 00:45:33,842
Well, you won't.
793
00:45:33,843 --> 00:45:35,082
Yeah, but what if I do?
794
00:45:35,083 --> 00:45:37,802
It's... it's...
I wants to, but it's a risk.
795
00:45:37,803 --> 00:45:41,803
The stakes are too high.
Sit down. What?
796
00:45:41,883 --> 00:45:45,482
Here, Derek.
Put that under your arm.
797
00:45:45,483 --> 00:45:48,202
You ready? Yeah.
798
00:45:48,203 --> 00:45:52,203
There he is.
799
00:46:02,443 --> 00:46:03,762
Look how tiny his fingers are.
800
00:46:03,763 --> 00:46:06,562
They're the tiniest fingers what
I've ever seen. Finger-wise.
801
00:46:06,563 --> 00:46:07,802
Ah!
802
00:46:07,803 --> 00:46:09,562
He's grip... he's gripping me!
803
00:46:09,563 --> 00:46:11,442
Aw, he likes you.
804
00:46:11,443 --> 00:46:14,522
D'you know what we've called him?
Justin Timberlake.
805
00:46:14,523 --> 00:46:15,762
No! What?
806
00:46:15,763 --> 00:46:17,362
Derek.
807
00:46:17,363 --> 00:46:20,202
Really? Yeah.
808
00:46:20,203 --> 00:46:21,482
Baby Derek.
809
00:46:21,483 --> 00:46:24,602
We hope he turns out
as brilliant as you.
810
00:46:24,603 --> 00:46:25,842
He'd better.
811
00:46:25,843 --> 00:46:29,843
Cos Derek's a fucking dreadful name.
812
00:46:30,243 --> 00:46:32,288
Derek...
813
00:46:32,362 --> 00:47:02,120
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