Hi! Can I help you?
Hello! I'm a salesman.
What are you selling, my good salesman?
Well, I happen to be an interpreter of Bosnian and Chinese.
Got any Bosnian and Chinese in the house?
No. I'm afraid not.
Did I say interpreter?
I meant...
milkman!
We don't need no milkman.
Teacher! Oh, yes! That's it!
I am a door-to-door teacher of... piano!
For Cows and Ducks.
Well! Why didn't you say so?
We've always wanted our Cow and Duck to learn piano.
Well, I'll be!
Okay, ladies! Lets see what you can do!
And... action!
Oh, Big Brother, I do not know what to do!
Don't worry, Cow. I saw this on TV once.
All you gotta do is whack them things.
Watch.
Oh, that was great!
A one and a two and a three and... hit me!
Stop! Stop it! Stop!
What kind of idiot people...
are you?
Let me think!
You have got only four fingers on each mitt.
The horse here has only three.
I know! Maybe there's too many keys on the piano!
Okay! Now, play like the wind!
I sense this as being the high point of my life!
Idea!
Perhaps hypnotism will work.
Watch the weenie. You will be geniuses.
You're getting sleepy. Getting sleepy.
Okay, gals! This is piano boot camp!
I am going to turn you hairless grandmothers into pianists
if it's the last thing I do!
Ten-hut! Sound off!
Do-Re-Me-Fa-So-La-Fa-Do!
All right!
Who played piano with a powdery wig?
Mozart, sir!
Tell me the name of that deaf german guy that played piano real good!
But now, he's dead!
Beethoven!
Right.
All right!
Now, crawl over the wall of music!
Come on, come on!
Move it, move it, move it!
Hey, what has balancing a glass of milk on our heads
have to do with learning piano?
Just who is the teacher here?
Oh, pardon.
All right! Let's make with the sit-ups!
One, two...
Congratulations! You're a pianist!
You, too!
Here's your diploma.
You are both ready for your first pay-per-view piano recital!
We are?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to music city hall...
For the pay-per-view piano recital of Cow and chicken!
You mean, that whole crowd paid to see us play?
No! This is pay-per-view!
I paid them to view!
Do you think I'm stupid or something?
Now, get out there and make me rich!
Man, I hope my genius has rubbed off on those two.
I'm a little nervous.
Yeah, I'm a little chicken.
Yes. I know. And I'm a Cow.
Oh, Big Brother, I do not know what to do?
Our piano teacher was lousy.
Don't worry, Cow. It's like I told yas.
Just whack them key things.
Oh, no. Not the...
udder.
Oh, Slop! Stop!
Hey, what's the problem, Chief?
What's the problem?
What's the... problem?
The problem is... I'm a fake! A failure!
Why, I play brilliantly!
I must be some kind of idiot... savant.
Well, I've heard of playing by ear.
Oh, but never by face.
Bravo! Bravo!
At last, I found my true calling.
Now I can die happy.
Ladies and gentlemen, the great poet and thespian, Lance Sackless.
Hello! To be a good actor, one, of course, has to look good!
A smart costume is a must.
Notice howthis ruffly shirt accentuates my talents.
Thank you, lance sackless.
Mon pleasieur.
You don't need pants for the victory dance,
'cause Baboon's better than Weasel.
LR. Baboon's a big star of cartoon.
I. M. Weasel!
LR. Baboon reigns king in his mind,
he's just a Baboon with a wiggle behind.
But round every comer he's likely to find...
I. M. Weasel!
Hello! It's me, Lance Sackless.
And welcome to the semi-annual, once a year, Sackless Games!
I am your host, Lance Sackless.
Are you ready to play?
Are these games on the up and up?
Why of course they are. Why do you ask?
I got one of them torch things!
This torch had been carried all the way from Athens!
Greece?
What'd you call me? No.
This torch comes from Athens, Georgia.
You're not as smart as you think, are you, squirrel!
Let the games begin!
I'll be right back.
I was just borrowing it! Geez!
Don't a have Cow!
Gentlemen, start your engines!
Hey, how come our uniforms say "prisoner?"
You mean that doesn't spell "Sackless?"
Must have been a mistake.
At the uniform maker place.
All right, let's get started.
Okay, ladies!
Lets begin the Sackless five athlon!
Don't you mean "Pentathlon"?
Do you think I'm stupid?
There are five events.
See? Weasel not knowing everything!
First event!
The hundred yard dash!
Old man handicap.
Oh boy, this is gonna be hard.
The hundred yard dash isn't so hard.
But what does "old man handicap" mean?
You've got to carry... this!
Get on your marks.
Go!
I want some prune juice.
But |.R. winning Weasel!
I want it... now!
The fuzzy rat wins!
I am not a fuzzy rat.
I am Weasel.
Yeah. I'll bet.
Next event, the horse toss!
Don't you mean the horse shoe toss?
What do you mean?
Never mind.
Monkey's first!
A leaner!
Beat that, Mr. Hamster!
I am Weasel!
This event needs a little work.
Next, my personal favorite!
The william tell figure skating competition!
I can't believe this silly activity classifies as an event.
Okay, gals, you must skate a lovely pirouette
and shoot this apple off my melon.
Let's try it again.
You two don't seem to get the point.
Hit the apple. The apple on my head?
Try it again.
Mr. Sackless isn't very happy here.
Lets just move on to the next event.
Next event, the parallel bar.
And grill.
Will we ever get a real event?
You lose. Next!
I guess Weasel wins!
Hey, there's a Weasel hair on my burger!
Disqualified.
It's a tie going into the last event.
Is it dangerous?
Yes! The luge!
I've heard of this!
Finally a real event!
Let me introduce the luge brothers.
Gerald and tim.
I knew it was too good to be true.
I am so embarrassed.
Go!
Hey! My luge is stuck!
'loo-hoe?
Luge oil?
Weasel is disqualified for using a tubby luge.
Tubby?
You win, Mr. Gorilla.
Here is your gold medal.
Hey?
That's no gold metal.
It's just a rock painted gold, and tied with a string!
These sac-Mess games are a scam, and you, sir, are a hand!
Is that a crime?
Why, yes it is.
Careful, I... bruise easily.
You know, Baboon, this all might have been a scam.
But I have to admit that riding that tubby luge was rather fun.
Call me tubby, will ya, "Mr. Perfect"?
Well, I'll show you! And your monkey!
Face! Tail! Tail!
Skin!
You know, I tried to warn them that the luge
is the most dangerous event in sports.
But they would not listen.
I'm so sorry, \uge.
You're not tubby! Just...
You just...