Mama had a Chickie.
Mama had a Cow.
Dad was proud, he didn't care how.
Cow!
Chicken!
Cow and Chicken!
Hey, how can we help you, pilgrim?
Door-to-door joke salesman!
All right, there was these two cops, pat and mike.
I'm sorry. We don't need any jokes.
We got two kids.
Why didn't you say so?
You see, I'm... I'm a beauty pageant scout!
And I am always looking for kids!
Let me at them!
Your daughter's a Cow!
Oh, I mean, oh a beautiful cow.
I urge you to enter your daughter into the beauty pageant.
You know, I do come from a long line of beauty contest winners.
My father was a beauty king.
And my father's father.
And my father's father's father.
All of them beauty kings!
And my father's father's father's father, and my...
I got the point!
I'm going to be a beauty queen!
Oh, pardon.
Looks like I'd better start right away.
Voi-la-la!
Ladies and gentlemen, your Cow's a beauty!
Is I beautiful?
Oh, wow!
Oh, hello girls!
Oh, my! What a lovely wig you are wearing.
You know, girls?
You really should slather your muzzle with mayonnaise.
It keeps it very soft and pink.
I also brush my teeth with peanut butter,
just in case I swallow it.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to the annual beauty queen pageant!
I'm leslie swinebog, and I'll be your host for the evening.
How about a hand for our revered panel of judges,
and of course our very beautiful contestants.
Mom? Dad? Chicken?
Oh, my family is in the audience!
Look! There's Cow!
Isn't she beautiful?
We begin with the talent competition.
And first up, we have miss sassafras with a musical piece.
When I take you to the hen house and I Whittle you a stick...
- Geez! - Yeah! Cow!
Next up is the swim suit competition.
Don't look, son.
Now for the weight competition, and we begin with miss acarina.
It's the end. The end.
I'm ruined.
Next, we have the inner beauty competition.
Let's go to the clips.
I like, flowers?
I'd rally people and raise funds to help feed these poor city pigeons.
The best way to see my inner beauty is with an x-ray thingie.
And last but not least,
we have the "what would I do if I won?" Speech.
If I won, I would jump up and down and scream and then...
I would call all my friends and rub it in.
Then I would...
Gee. If I won, I, would be glad.
Oh, ma-ma and pa-pa would be ever so glad, too.
And I would teach more Cows to be beautiful
and win all the beauty pigeons.
And soon, everyone will have a new scooter to ride on
and plenty of mayonnaise for all!
Mayonnaise!
I would tell the whole world that it doesn't matter how ugly you are,
because everyone is bea-oo-tiful, if you squint a bit.
And I would buy shoe horns for the needy
and save the starving ferrets of poland.
And... as president,
I would rid america of all unwanted hair and lint.
The Cows of the future will never look back!
Look out, world!
'Cause I am a queen of all beauty queens!
Thank you.
The judges have returned with their decision
based on the girls total points... and merits.
Oh, I just can't look.
Me neither.
And now for the most charming girl of the beauty pageant.
The envelope, please?
And the winner is... Miss Bovine!
I won!
All right, Cow! Yeah!
Miss Bovine, ladies and gentlemen!
Well, how does it feel, Miss Bovine?
Oh, I am, I am so happy. I...
Now, the judges say that you won by your sheer inner beauty and overall charm.
Are they right?
Well, I guess they must be.
I am... My roses!
My tiara!
I've been robbed!
Robbed?
How could this happen to our beautiful girl?
Nobody steals from my big little sister!
Backstage, everyone!
There he is!
Get him!
Butts galore?
Get the stuff!
Oh, no, no! You cannot have it!
It's mine!
I've always wanted to be the most beautiful, but never could.
Taking Cow all the way to the finish was an elaborate scam, so that I...
I could wear the tiara and hold the roses,
at least just once.
It's okay, butts galore. Don't worry.
You can wear the tiara,
and I'll split the roses so we can share them.
All right, Cow!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you butts galore and Cow!
Wanna see my inner beauty?
This is the happiest day of my life!