1
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Mama has a Chicken.
2
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Mama has a Cow.
3
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Dad was proud,
he didn't care how.
4
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Cow!
5
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Chicken!
6
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Cow and Chicken!
7
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Rise and shine!
8
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Well, what happened?
9
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,631
Hey! You kids ever hear the
story of how your mom and me met?
10
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,599
But it's three o'clock
in the morning.
11
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So, what's your point?
12
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:01,439
Pull up a stool, men!
13
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This is gonna be good.
14
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I'll never forget this story.
15
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It's cemented in my
mind... like cement.
16
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It all stalled when I was
a foot soldier in the Navy.
17
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It was the Army, Dad!
18
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That's right! I'll never forget.
19
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I was stationed at Fort
Hiney in downtown Mexico!
20
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Butte, Montana!
21
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Right!
22
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Anyways, this is the story of
me, your Mom and Major Wedgie.
23
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“Blow Wedgie?
24
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,432
Major Wedgie was
almost your dad.
25
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Oh, it was nineteen-eighty-six,
26
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the year I met the most beautiful
girl on two legs I'd ever saw...
27
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your Mom!
28
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Hut-two, hut-three! Who am I?
29
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Oh, Major Wedgie!
30
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Would you look at those legs?
31
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Were you talking to me?
32
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Excuse me, Private Mom.
33
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But I gotta go make
this guy a new pork trap!
34
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P.S. We still on for later?
35
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,194
Sir, yes, Sir,
Major Wedgie, Sir!
36
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:12,353
You see, your mom was
being courted by Major Wedgie...
37
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:13,669
one of the toughest, meanest,
38
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sour puss officers in
all of Butte, Montana.
39
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Oh, nobody knew
why he was so grumpy.
40
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But he was!
41
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That night, Major Wedgie came
a courting at your Mom's house.
42
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Here VOu go!
43
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Oh, Major Wedgie, it's a flower!
44
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Yes, I know!
45
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So, Private Mom, how
do you find Butt, Montana?
46
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Butt? I think that's, Butte.
47
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Oh, nice of you to notice.
48
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I think so, too.
49
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:50,352
Well, kids? Your old
man also came a courting.
50
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:56,038
I couldn't let those legs go to waste on
a grumpy old soldier like Major Wedgie!
51
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,835
Your Mom escorted
me into the parlor...
52
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imagine my embarrassment...
53
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,837
What happened next?
54
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:09,154
Well, both me and Major Wedgie
each tried to win your Mom's affections.
55
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,629
They wanted to
promote me to General,
56
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:13,393
but I turned it down.
57
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:18,031
General Wedgie does not sound
as dashing as Major Wedgie!
58
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:22,114
Of course, if'n they had
offered me Rear Admiral,
59
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I might have considered!
60
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What do you think, Private Mom?
61
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Pretty impressive.
62
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She thinks I'm pretty!
63
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:32,232
How about your military
career, Private Dad?
64
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I'm just a foot soldier.
65
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Looks like I have the
upper hand in this courtship.
66
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Wedgie's have been crawling up
67
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my family tree for generations!
68
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,558
What do you have
to offer, Private Dad?
69
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,359
My family invented the weenie!
70
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,158
Oh, I gotta tell you kids,
71
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:55,598
at that point it looked like Moma
was gonna marry Major Wedgie.
72
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,399
But that was before the poetry.
73
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- Poetry?
- Poetry?
74
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How romantic.
75
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:05,193
They both used
to write me poetry.
76
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:06,998
Do you remember, Dear?
77
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,673
Do I?
78
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"Your feet are like
two landing craft
79
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carrying ten little soldiers.
80
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Some have hair on
them. But that's okay.
81
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:18,232
I look past that to your ankles,
82
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which tower above
your feet like...
83
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,997
"uh, "like... towers?"
84
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:24,275
"Hey, Private Mom!"
85
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,794
How many ways do I like you?
86
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:29,316
Almost as many ways as
there are of saying my name!
87
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Wedgie!“
88
00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,591
It's all where you
put the emphasis.
89
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Like... what's that in the road?
90
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A head?
91
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Or... what's for dinner, Mom?
92
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Or... what is this
thing called... love?
93
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You see, it's all in the timing.
94
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"Timing is everything."
95
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You both wrote me some poetry!
96
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:57,318
Major Wedgie and me
were both sweating bullets.
97
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Who would win?
98
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Whose poetry
would she like better?
99
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Who would be awarded her love?
100
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,679
I can't decide!
They're both so good!
101
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,558
Your mom asked us both to leave
102
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,598
so she could make up
her mind who was best.
103
00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:15,270
She obviously likes me better!
104
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,351
She kicked me out last!
105
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:18,919
Are you insane?
106
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,833
Her toes were constantly
pointing in my direction.
107
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,558
Red is her favorite color!
108
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:24,835
Mine, too!
109
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:28,038
That doesn't mean you
and I are going steady!
110
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,956
Well... you...
you've got flat feet!
111
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,269
You've got a big nose!
112
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,438
Do you really think so?
113
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,875
Why, I oughta punch
you in the knee!
114
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,349
Bring it on, Tubby!
115
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:45,716
Today's special...
knuckle sandwich!
116
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Major Wedgie, are you okay?
117
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Oh... am I okay?
118
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:04,869
No more wedgie? I feel great!
119
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I'm free! I'm free as a bee!
120
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,872
I'm wedgie free!
121
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,749
I'm going to give up
this hard-core military life!
122
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:19,720
Why, I had no idea my mean,
gruff demeanor was wedgie induced.
123
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I'm so HAPPY,
124
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,678
I am going to give
you Private Mom!
125
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,831
Thank you, Major Wedgie.
126
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,752
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
127
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Call me Mr. Hiney!
128
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,919
I'm free now!
129
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:37,072
And I've gone back
to my maiden name!
130
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:43,279
And so, that's the story of
how your mom and me met.
131
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,512
Oh, I just love that story!
132
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Oh, can we hear it again, Dad?
133
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Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please,
oh, please, oh, please, oh, please?
134
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:54,796
All righiv!
135
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,713
It all stalled when I was
a foot soldier in the Army.
136
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,155
I was stationed at Fort Hiney...
137
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:01,833
Please end?