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Haaaaaaaaa'aaam, gurrrrl!
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Haaaaaaaaa'aaam, gurrrrl!
You don't know his name, but you know what he says, and
you love how he says it.
Haaaaaaam gurl!
So, who is the man who started it all?
Ben Chang, and we have him here with us today.
You are the Ham Girl guy.
Yes, I am the Ham Girl guy.
How did this happen?
Well, I just kept auditioning, you know, kept working hard.
And now?
Spielberg is calling.
Not you know, I don't go by phone calls.
I go by contracts.
But Spielberg is interested in you for The Color Blue.
In the new Play Dough movie, is that right?
Maybe, you know, maybe.
But like I always say, you know, life is a roller coaster.
You were a teacher at a community college in Colorado.
Did you just...
- True. - One day in class say,
class dismissed, I'm headed to Hollywood?
I mean.
How did your students react to that?
Well, you know, I haven't spoken to them, really.
I...
There's not much for me back there.
No friends?
You know, I was kind of a loner.
People, you know, made fun of me for it,
but I just kept my head down and stayed focused on my work.
Well they're making fun of you now, are they?
No, they are not.
Can I get a Ham Girl?
Haaaaaaaaa'aaam, gurrrrl!
You know, I don't know if that was...
And there it is, ladies and gentlemen,
from community college to something a little bit better.
Turn it off.
Ben Chang is on a rocket ship to eternal validation.
Turn it off.
Thank's so much for being.
Well it's been three weeks.
I'm having his car towed.
To Chang.
May your success be brief, and your colds last months.
Jeff.
Hey, get out of Greendale, or you get me in your corner,
you don't get both.
Ham, girl.
Who would have predicted Chang becoming famous?
Technically, I did, remember?
Only, I thought it would be for...
Eating someone, yeah.
You think that Spielberg stuff is really happening?
How could that happen?
That would mean the world was insane.
Haaaaaaaaa'aaam, gurrrrl!
Not to be crass, but there is an upside to this, financially.
Chang's absence lowers our insurance premiums 6%.
There's nothing but upsides to him leaving.
I think we all just feel a little short changed.
We invested so much in him when no one else would.
Because we all assumed he was so insane he would die if we kicked him out.
This whole time it turns out we were holding him back.
We thought he was bedrock.
But it turns out he was the ceiling of a cavern filled with us.
I have already forgotten his name.
Did you ever really know his name?
The Chinese fellow, right?
Whose name was some kind of noise?
Clang, bang, merengue.
Looks like I'm the only one who's not glad he's gone.
At least I can finally clear some space in my hard drive.
Oh, Leonard's been in there for a while, but
I can stand guard if you wanna use the women's room.
No, I mean, I was shooting a movie with Chang before he booked Ham Girl.
Oh.
I haven't heard from him since, so I assume the footage is useless.
Did he sign a release form?
Sure.
I make all my actors sign releases before we do anything.
You never know who is going to.
The school owns a movie starring the Ham Girl guy.
Soon to be Spielberg's Ham Girl guy.
Oh. There's no way to finish it, though.
Abed?
What have I told you about quitting?
That it's sometimes the only way to survive.
Well, don't forget I said sometimes.
Yolanda, the mayor's up my ass.
I want justice.
Get him in here!
Is that right?
Should I be angry?
The film's hero is police justice.
I had a real life former cop help me with the dialogue.
I'm gonna punch you in the heart.
Real life former cops aren't great with dialogue.
I don't think police should be heroes.
Britta, pay your rent.
Sorry, Abed. Okay, I need more information.
What's my motivation?
Am I married?
I need more to go on.
Can we get lunch?
Okay, cut.
That's about all we got.
Chang found out the McRib was back and we lost the rest of the day.
Great actor, huge McRib problem.
Mm-hm.
Everybody.
This is my friend I told you about, Maury.
He's a genuine Hollywood film producer whose doctor ordered him to live in
Colorado due to a medical condition.
Tell them what you told me.
Yeah, my blood nitrogen levels are through the roof.
- Most of the time, I can't... - Oh, no, no the other thing.
Oh, right. If you can cut together an 81 minute movie that arguably stars
the Ham Girl guy, I can guarantee distribution and a fast turnaround deal.
People do it all the time with old footage from recently famous actors.
Have you seen Vin Diesel in 1996's Happy Pants?
No.
Well, neither has Vin Diesel, but
his roommate from film school saw 500 grand.
But, I can't just burn up my cop drama.
It's my only chance at the mainstream success I need before I'm allowed to
make weird stuff for money.
It's my American Graffiti, my Elephant Man, my Four Rooms,
the Robert Rodriguez segment.
Well, why does it have to be a police movie?
People don't even like police now.
They like dinosaurs, they like aliens and
anything else that Chris Pratt can join forces with.
Ooh. I have three minutes of footage and
he's clearly a police chief behind a desk in New York.
Is he? Or is it Space York, or is it a dinosaur desk?
How do I know?
Just add some CG.
That's what they do with Chris Pratt.
They put in him a regular scene, and then they add some Gagoos.
I have a few CG models of some Gagoos.
I got fired from a mouthwash commercial, but
I successfully won back the rights to my gingivitis monster.
Also, I don't know if it helps, but, when I moved into my RV, I found this.
Now, that, you notice anything strange?
There's no green three in billiards.
Now, there's a green six and a green fourteen, but never a green three.
So, what sport is this from?
And why was it in my RV?
Anyway I... I can do some CG for the movie.
You'll need a Chris Pratt type.
I'll do it if I have to.
I can slouch.
I can't believe you guys are the ones pitching me this,
and I can't believe I'm saying no.
You're not saying no.
I mean, legally, I can't force you.
But, I can do a morning announcement that will make everyone hate you forever.
Technically, Abed, you would be robbing the school for
half a million dollars by not making this movie.
But, what movie?
Have you not been listening?
The movie about the Ham Girl guy, in his space office fighting some Gagoos,
led by Chris Pratt type, played by Jeffrey without his shirt.
Hm.
It shoots this weekend.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Okay, but I get final cut, and it has to be a good movie.
Agreed, but you have to finish that cut by Monday, even if it's bad.
I agree to that, but it has to be good by my standards.
Absolutely, and also, if it's terrible, nobody will notice or care.
You guys are all gonna help me?
And we're gonna make a good movie?
Definitely, or a bad one.
Probably a bad one.
I think we're all on the same page.
Yeah.
I guess so.
Good.
So, let's crap out this piece of crap.
That attitude concerns me.
I need more information.
What's my motivation?
I need more to go on.
My name is Chief Star, and I am in the stars.
And I am the hero.
I deserve better.
You're a very gifted pilot, Chief Star.
I'm the mayor of outer space.
Why are we changing course?
The mayor is up my ass.
Father, I love him.
What in the space?
Yooba dooba dooba.
We're under attack.
By whom, Glip Glop?
Okay, cut.
Why are we cutting?
That felt good to me.
- Moving on? - Stop.
Just a couple of adjustments.
Ugh, you get two.
You guys need to move when the ship gets hit.
It looks weird when you stand still.
And Britta, it sounds weird when you use good grammar.
My character can't have good grammar?
Not in a space battle.
Because everything else we're saying sounds really natural, like,
I'm a Space Senator.
Space Mayor.
I'm matching your dialogue to what I have from Chang.
- What are my lines? - You don't have any lines.
You're the back of Chang.
But we have Chang's footage.
This shot from that angle matches the back of Chang's shot.
Chang is Chief Star.
He's the pilot of the spaceship.
Britta, you're Princess Meridian.
Brittana.
Okay. Jeff is her father, the Mayor of Space, and
you guys are under attack.
Action!
What in the space?
Yooba dooba dooba.
We're under attack.
Okay, cut.
Where are you guys seeing Glip Glop?
That Glip Glop was a tennis ball.
But, Garrett's not Glip Glop.
If I was Glip Glop, why would I be holding a tennis ball on a stick?
Why am I wearing a blouse?
It's Sci-fi, it doesn't matter.
Please don't say that.
I know you don't mean that.
The tennis ball is Glip Glop, and please stumble in the same direction.
Go! Action.
Bang.
What in space?
Gooba, gooba, gooba.
We're under attack!
- Who by? Who attack? Me princess. - The Sporborfians!
Okay, I'm ready.
Are you ready?
Rolling.
Are we rolling?
We're
rolling!
Get to the escape pod.
Really? You picked that outfit?
Britta?
It's Meridian.
- Keep going. - Insane.
And, what is your name, Exploitia?
Scorpio Nine, I'm a pleasure droid.
No, I'm an assassin?
You're both, keep going.
She was a pleasure droid.
She got turned into an assassin.
She's my other daughter.
That's your sister.
Get to the escape pods.
And then, then we go.
This way.
Check on Chief Star, Jeff.
Chief Star?
What?
I'll see you in hell.
What?
Mayor, your ass is grass.
Okay, cut.
There are some things that we could...
Okay. Moving on, people.
Okay, moving on.
Next shot, space station faculty lounge.
Thank you.
Abed, we need to move a little faster I think.
Can I just explain something as a filmmaker?
I wish you wouldn't.
I wish you would look at what I was wearing, and
let that be all the explanation you need
about where are standards should be.
But, do you understand that sci-fi films aren't usually improvised
over a weekend with a cast and crew that doesn't care?
We care about finishing.
And, this has to be finished by Monday.
So, you're back into a level of quality from there.
Let me use a metaphor I can understand.
Every day, I work out.
- Really? - Yes, because I'm not an artist like you, but
this is a kind of canvas.
I work on it with equipment, but I will never really be done.
- You could be if you wanted, I mean... - This will never be done.
Chris Pratt's never gonna stop, is he?
He'll always be out there mocking me.
So, I can never stop.
Just like you'll never stop making movies.
But, I don't stay on one treadmill my entire life,
staring at commercials for movies with Chris Pratt.
I take my work into the world.
I premiere it, I share with the public.
Don't stay in the gym, Abed.
Get this session done, get out there and get your shirt off.
Got it?
Yes?
Yes!
Ready, let's do this.
I understand you
are looking for
your friends.
Yeah.
I am Minotaur Man.
What?
Friends are hard to come by in space.
You'd better take this for protection.
The sound you hear coming from the gun I gave you is 40,000 hyper watts of laser.
Oh, don't worry, don't worry about that.
I can put that back.
Sometimes my eye falls off because I mean, I'm a robot.
- Aah! - Watch out!
Aah!
How about this bar, everyone here is so accustomed to violence.
I need, any no...
Where your friends are?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, but you're not gonna like this.
Your friends have been taken prisoner by Master, Master Dracula.
Wild West baby.
Space version of the Wild West.
Cut.
Okay.
My eye fell off, but, but, but I, I covered it.
Perfect.
Moving on, hallway.
Yes!
Oh!
Take that!
This is crazy.
Here.
Let me do this.
What are you doing?
You make everything harder for all women when you do that.
I'm improvising.
Improvise pockets.
Pay your rent, or shut up.
Laser bomb!
Yooba Dooba dooba, Glip Glop like.
Yooba Dooba dooba, Yooba Dooba dooba, Yooba Dooba dooba.
So the robot also says yooba dooba.
I'm not complaining.
It's just that everyone who's not a person is saying "Yooba Dooba.".
Maybe it's because I'm a spy.
Ugh.
He's a spy.
I'm an evil spy.
Shoot Glip Glop's he's a spy.
Glop Glop's a spy?
We went with it.
Okay shot.
Shot.
Okay now that now that he's dead and
there's one robot left let's go to the thing.
Go.
Yooba Dooba dooba, Yooba Dooba dooba, Yooba Dooba dooba.
Ooh!
Space garbage.
Look!
Aah!
Aah! We're gonna get crushed.
And is there a monster?
Aah!
But so what?
We're gonna get crushed.
I love you?
- I love you. - That's your daughter.
- You're my daughter. - Yeah and you said we were sisters, dumb ass.
It's hot. It's like Chinatown in space.
Aah!
- And I'm the hero? - Yay!
- Let's do this. - Yeah!
They're saved!
Feel the force.
What?
I don't feel the force.
I'm not allowed to.
What do I feel?
I feel Dracula force.
I feel Dracula signals.
Your ass is mine.
That last stunt you pulled put six of my best guys in the hospital.
Maniac.
I'm more than a maniac.
I'm Dracula.
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Oh my God, Jesus Christ they shot him.
Who am I? What's my motivation?
Why am I doing or saying anything that I am saying or doing,
I need more, I need more than what I'm getting.
That was incredible.
Congratulations.
- How long is it? - 87 minutes.
Get it to eight one, that means 81.
I'll make some calls, we'll premiere this thing, and
we'll get your school a check.
Whoa.
So which six minutes should we cut?
Oh. Hm.
Jeff's death scene probably, right?
Oh. Yeah.
- Mine? - Yeah, in the space dungeon?
There's no Chang in that.
How long is Jeff's death scene?
Yeah, how long is it. We're really zeroing in on it.
Do you think I'm frightened?
These chains were forged from the iron of Ganymede.
And the steel, I'm not going to tell you where he is.
I'd rather die.
Hm. Hm, it seems pretty important he doesn't give doesn't give up Chang.
I mean, otherwise the last thing he says to him is, I'll see you in Hell.
It's not really a movie about him.
- Yeah. Hm-hm. - Well, what about your steel drum solo?
Oh, I don't think we should lose that.
Well, what about the weird wedding ritual on Glip Glop's planet, huh?
Okay.
Let's not throw out the baby with the bath water.
We're not getting a frame of Glip Glop.
I mean, that's like cutting Cowboy out of Midnight Cowboy.
Mm-hm.
Jeff's death scene is six minutes 30 seconds.
- There you go.- Oh, there you go.
Okay, cool.
Easy enough.
Should we, before we finish editing,
should we get those hornets out of the garbage?
Those swarming hornets.
Oh!
- Is that serious? - Is he doing a bit...
- That's a long bit. - Oh, he's serious.
Let's face it.
It's pretty obvious when he's acting.
Mm.
Let's do this.
Yo, yo, yo.
Howdy.
Welcome to Kyle Beiderman's editing tutorials.
I'm Kyle Beiderman.
Yeah, that Kyle Beiderman.
Leave me alone, Abed.
Once I've watched this tutorial on how editing works,
I'm gonna save this movie without removing its soul.
Step one.
How to correctly label your files.
Nobody cares about labeling files, teach me to edit.
What the hell was that?
You stay away!
This is my movie too!
It's not even a movie Jeff, it's a piece of crap.
That doesn't mean it can't be good.
That's basically exactly what it means.
You stay away Abed.
I'm not kidding.
I'm huge and I have zero blood sugar.
I will kill you in these frisbees and nobody will ever find you.
Okay.
So now let's get familiar with the user interface.
No, just teach me to edit.
Bazinga.
I'm going to kill you.
You're killing me!
I told you!
You're literally killing me.
For real?
Yes!
Are you nuts?
What is wrong with you?
Every single one of you was gonna leave here except for me.
Troy, Shirley, Annie's gonna be President.
Even Pierce got to die.
And Chang goes to Hollywood.
So, we force you to make the crappiest movie of all time,
and then we force you to make it even crappier.
And we watch it, and it's still not even that bad.
And the part I accidentally got the most excited about is the seven
minutes we can cut.
Do you know what that means?
It means I'm a genius, but we already knew that.
I finally know in my heart,
that I will literally be the last one of us here.
And I know, they gave digital muscles to Chris Pratt in Guardians of
the Galaxy.
I watch Parks and Rec.
I watched it. There's no scientific explanation for...
Hm, Jeff.
You helped me learn something about film making today that I think we all
need to apply to life.
It's okay to plan some stuff, and
it's okay to figure out what we did wrong.
But our plans are randomly gonna fall apart and
our lessons are randomly gonna be wrong, and
if we just keep the cameras rolling and shoot a lot of crap eventually
Annie is going to reach down her shirt and pull out a laser bomb.
I didn't write that, we didn't plan that.
God made that happen.
God made this movie, and it's dumb.
And we're dumb for being in it.
Life is a big, dumb,
pointless movie with no story and an abrupt ending where the hero gets shot
by Dracula in the middle of a lunch order during an outtake.
But somewhere in there, every once in a while.
Annie reaches down her shirt.
So we keep the cameras rolling, and we edit out the parts we don't like,
and we stop thinking about Chris Pratt so much, because it is not healthy.
Will you do me a favor?
I never tell anybody about our private conversations.
I wouldn't really know how.
Let's cut my stupid scene out of this piece of crap.
Then won't we need to add 30 seconds?
I have an idea about that.
Who am I?
What's my motivation?
Why am I doing or saying anything, I'm saying or doing?
But, am I married?
I need more.
I need more than what I'm getting.
Hello Chief Star.
I told you I'd see you in hell.
And look who else is here.
Yooba dooba dooba.
Woo hoo hoo!
Oh, great job you guys, on the new ending.
I like that the guy actually saw him in hell.
Right?
Whoa, whoa.
Hold on, phone call from the distributor, get ready for a big check.
Yellow.
Wait.
Calm down.
What's chapter 11?
Wait.
What's YouTube?
Wait.
What's broadband?
What's digital?
I don't have a good feeling about that call.
I don't have a good feeling about Chang staying bankable.
Did you guys see this news story?
I'll never look at hot air ballooning the same way again.
Or James Franco's balls.
Oh, no.
I tell you what I do have a good feeling about.
Bring it in.
Aw.
Yeah.
All right, one more for safety Ben.
What do you mean, one more for safety?
I... I just don't know if we get the line, hold on Slinky.
Let's move on.
I... I think, can, can we get one more?
You got it!
Come on! Hold on, Slinky!
Let's go.
I think it was fine, but Steven's kind of a stickler.
Tell Steven Spielberg to lick my butt.
Well, he's right here, so.
Hey, Steven Spielberg.
Can you give us a sec?
Yes.
Ben?
Yep.
So, I guess we're good for today.
Great job, you were right.
We got everything we need.
And, there's a small door in the back, back of the booth there,
that will take you, you know, outside.
And, we'll talk soon.
I don't go the way I came?
You do not.
There is a little door back there, and it goes right on out.
Thank you so much.
Okay.
Okay, Randall, are you ready?
Yup.
Which brings us to the issue
of our cosmetology department,
who once again,
find themselves.
Who, once again, find themselves nearing the end of
the semester without any free haircut volunteers.
That may be due to last semester's lice scare.
Totally.
Yep.
Maybe if we put up a sign, guaranteed no lice.
Something like that.
That would open you up to lawsuits.
Son, we live in a world that has walls, and
those walls have to be guarded by men with hair clippers.
Pink Floyd.
- Oh. - You're the worst.
What?
Oh, she is the worst.
Terrible.
I can't believe she said that.
Terrible.
Name one movie.
Britta's the worst!
Did you get any of that?