1
00:00:02,061 --> 00:00:03,428
(Terry)
Okay, great.
2
00:00:03,429 --> 00:00:05,897
I'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks, doctor.
3
00:00:05,898 --> 00:00:08,967
Have a good one.
4
00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:10,268
Hey there, sarge.
5
00:00:10,269 --> 00:00:11,469
Not to pry but I couldn't
help but overhear...
6
00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:13,313
You're going to the doctor?
Everything okay?
7
00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:18,235
I'm getting a vasectomy.
8
00:00:18,301 --> 00:00:21,822
My ears are burning.
Did someone say "vasectomy?"
9
00:00:21,888 --> 00:00:24,115
I got snipped.
No big deal.
10
00:00:24,116 --> 00:00:26,284
Just numbs you out from
trunk to skunk for a year.
11
00:00:26,285 --> 00:00:27,285
It's not supposed to.
12
00:00:27,286 --> 00:00:28,578
"Trunk to skunk"?
13
00:00:28,587 --> 00:00:30,588
Hold it up.
14
00:00:30,589 --> 00:00:32,223
You're gonna let some quack doctor
15
00:00:32,224 --> 00:00:33,691
just knife around down there?
16
00:00:33,692 --> 00:00:36,661
You are blessed with a great power.
17
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:39,264
And you should never snip its wings.
18
00:00:39,265 --> 00:00:41,258
You should let it soar.
19
00:00:41,324 --> 00:00:44,369
Thanks guys, that's enough.
I don't need anymore input.
20
00:00:44,370 --> 00:00:46,346
Neither does your wife, I guess.
21
00:00:46,412 --> 00:00:47,672
Look, you guys,
22
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:49,340
if the sergeant wants
to chop off his penis,
23
00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:50,675
that is his choice.
24
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,110
That's not what a vasectomy is.
25
00:00:52,111 --> 00:00:53,344
If you guys don't get back to work,
26
00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,280
I'm gonna start firing detectives.
27
00:00:55,281 --> 00:00:57,215
And blanks!
28
00:00:57,216 --> 00:00:58,817
Sorry.
I just never think of jokes.
29
00:00:58,883 --> 00:01:01,452
Anybody else?
This is your last chance.
30
00:01:01,453 --> 00:01:04,322
Oh, God.
No need to be so testes.
31
00:01:04,323 --> 00:01:06,691
Guess you won't be
manning the "tip line."
32
00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:09,093
Sergeant, is this gonna go
on your "sperm-anent record"?
33
00:01:09,094 --> 00:01:10,203
Now playing:
34
00:01:10,269 --> 00:01:11,496
"Scrotal recall"!
35
00:01:11,497 --> 00:01:15,304
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/ web dl sync snarry
36
00:01:15,305 --> 00:01:21,304
♪ ♪
37
00:01:31,624 --> 00:01:33,384
Hey sarge, great news.
38
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:36,621
I just got assigned
such a dope stabbing.
39
00:01:36,622 --> 00:01:38,189
Sorry, the stabbing part is bad.
40
00:01:38,190 --> 00:01:40,658
But here's the dope part:
The guy survived
41
00:01:40,659 --> 00:01:42,611
and he owns
a chocolate milk restaurant.
42
00:01:42,628 --> 00:01:44,629
- Seriously?
- I know, right?
43
00:01:44,630 --> 00:01:45,630
Finally, a dumb Brooklyn hipster trend
44
00:01:45,631 --> 00:01:47,498
my mouth and I can get behind.
45
00:01:47,499 --> 00:01:48,499
Wanna hop on the case with me?
46
00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:49,834
We're a killer team.
47
00:01:49,835 --> 00:01:50,969
Jeffords and Peralta.
48
00:01:50,970 --> 00:01:52,070
Jake and Terry.
49
00:01:52,071 --> 00:01:53,246
Chocolate and milk.
50
00:01:53,312 --> 00:01:55,440
I mean, I'm the chocolate
51
00:01:55,441 --> 00:01:57,175
and you're the milk 'cause
you're so full of protein!
52
00:01:57,176 --> 00:01:59,711
Don't be mad!
Just do the case!
53
00:01:59,712 --> 00:02:02,013
Okay, but I have my vasectomy today.
54
00:02:02,014 --> 00:02:03,481
So I need to be back in a few hours
55
00:02:03,482 --> 00:02:05,116
to catch my ride to the doctor's.
56
00:02:05,117 --> 00:02:06,417
My neighbor's driving me
57
00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:08,653
because my wife's out of town
with the girls.
58
00:02:08,654 --> 00:02:10,021
Why don't I drive you?
59
00:02:10,022 --> 00:02:11,556
I don't know.
60
00:02:11,557 --> 00:02:13,517
I guess I didn't really think
of you as that kind of friend.
61
00:02:13,525 --> 00:02:15,159
Sarge, I'm every kind of friend.
62
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,029
I'm Phoebe, I'm Chandler,
I'm Rachel, I'm...
63
00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:19,130
Who's the dinosaur guy?
64
00:02:19,131 --> 00:02:21,066
Ross, bro!
Ross!
65
00:02:21,132 --> 00:02:23,434
Sorry, I forgot you were
such a ross-head.
66
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:25,103
So look, we'll work this thing together
67
00:02:25,104 --> 00:02:27,639
and afterwards,
I will be your friend chariot
68
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,783
to the penis-removal
of the century.
69
00:02:32,478 --> 00:02:33,645
The new NYPD commissioner is planning
70
00:02:33,646 --> 00:02:35,580
a complete reorganization of the force.
71
00:02:35,581 --> 00:02:37,248
But first, he'll be sending
a deputy chief
72
00:02:37,249 --> 00:02:39,918
to every precinct to conduct
a top to bottom evaluation.
73
00:02:39,984 --> 00:02:42,587
What? When?
Are we gonna be graded?
74
00:02:42,588 --> 00:02:44,222
Or is this just some pass/fail garbage?
75
00:02:44,223 --> 00:02:45,757
Scale of one-to-five.
76
00:02:45,758 --> 00:02:47,325
That's how many
letter grades there are.
77
00:02:47,326 --> 00:02:49,193
Feels like they're just
being weird using numbers
78
00:02:49,194 --> 00:02:50,295
instead of letters.
79
00:02:50,296 --> 00:02:51,562
Yeah, they're being weird right now.
80
00:02:51,563 --> 00:02:52,997
Boyle.
Diaz.
81
00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:55,633
I want the evidence room
organized beyond reproach.
82
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,235
Santiago, when I greet
the deputy chief,
83
00:02:57,236 --> 00:03:00,838
I want you there by my side
to make a good impression.
84
00:03:00,839 --> 00:03:03,975
No offense, but you are
something of a teacher's pet.
85
00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:07,112
None taken!
People love their pets.
86
00:03:07,178 --> 00:03:09,406
Good news is
our evaluation will be done
87
00:03:09,472 --> 00:03:11,316
by deputy chief Brandt.
88
00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:14,244
We have a good rapport.
He was once my captain.
89
00:03:14,253 --> 00:03:17,289
So he's kind of like
our grand-captain.
90
00:03:17,355 --> 00:03:20,083
That is amazingly funny.
91
00:03:23,028 --> 00:03:24,429
Well, I was closing up
around 11:00.
92
00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:25,496
I heard the door open.
93
00:03:25,497 --> 00:03:28,266
I just figured it was
some "milkers."
94
00:03:28,267 --> 00:03:29,801
That's what we call our regulars.
95
00:03:29,867 --> 00:03:30,927
Do ya?
96
00:03:30,936 --> 00:03:33,304
Anyway, next thing I know,
the guy stabs me in the back
97
00:03:33,305 --> 00:03:34,372
like... like right here!
98
00:03:34,373 --> 00:03:36,374
Like some kind of psycho wuss!
99
00:03:36,375 --> 00:03:38,602
Can you think of anyone
who might wanna harm you?
100
00:03:38,668 --> 00:03:40,311
[Blows raspberries]
Yeah.
101
00:03:40,312 --> 00:03:41,312
I mean, you don't get
into this line of business
102
00:03:41,313 --> 00:03:42,513
to make friends.
103
00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:43,948
Really? I would think
making chocolate milk
104
00:03:43,949 --> 00:03:45,283
is a great way to make friends.
105
00:03:45,284 --> 00:03:47,452
I don't have proof,
but the guy who did this
106
00:03:47,453 --> 00:03:49,854
to me is my business partner,
Gregory Phillips.
107
00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,289
He's still pissed at me
because I banned him
108
00:03:51,290 --> 00:03:52,523
from my 'straunt.
109
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,158
He was supposed to be
my silent partner,
110
00:03:54,159 --> 00:03:55,593
but he wasn't silent.
111
00:03:55,594 --> 00:03:57,128
He was trying to control everything.
112
00:03:57,129 --> 00:03:58,455
Here, try this.
113
00:03:58,521 --> 00:04:00,098
All right, here we go.
Finally!
114
00:04:00,099 --> 00:04:01,099
(Terry)
All right.
115
00:04:02,668 --> 00:04:05,670
Oh! Ugh!
It's so bitter!
116
00:04:05,671 --> 00:04:07,338
What's wrong with this chocolate milk?
117
00:04:07,339 --> 00:04:08,965
Dark milk isn't chocolate milk.
118
00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:09,941
[Gasps]
119
00:04:09,942 --> 00:04:11,801
This is teat-to-mouth
raw cow's milk.
120
00:04:11,867 --> 00:04:13,277
The bitterness of the chocolate
121
00:04:13,278 --> 00:04:15,847
brings out the sourness in the milk.
122
00:04:15,913 --> 00:04:18,808
That's the worst part
of both of those things!
123
00:04:18,874 --> 00:04:21,353
Uh, time for my appointment, Jake.
124
00:04:21,419 --> 00:04:22,487
Yup, got it.
125
00:04:22,488 --> 00:04:24,355
All right, we'll look into this
and get back to you.
126
00:04:24,356 --> 00:04:25,456
Okay, sarge.
127
00:04:25,457 --> 00:04:26,858
Hate to be "that kind of a friend,"
128
00:04:26,859 --> 00:04:30,328
but let's go chop off that penis.
129
00:04:30,329 --> 00:04:32,906
Where were you?
This is chaos.
130
00:04:32,972 --> 00:04:35,700
Gina's been filing evidence
by "perp hotness."
131
00:04:35,766 --> 00:04:37,468
I'm so sorry, I just got some bad news.
132
00:04:37,469 --> 00:04:39,437
My sister was gonna go with me
to an engagement party
133
00:04:39,438 --> 00:04:40,872
but she had to cancel.
134
00:04:40,938 --> 00:04:43,241
So go alone.
Maybe you'll meet some new bag.
135
00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:45,143
It's my ex-wife Eleanor's
engagement party.
136
00:04:45,144 --> 00:04:46,644
I can't go alone.
137
00:04:46,645 --> 00:04:48,413
I'm worried it might seem
a little pathetic.
138
00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:51,048
Yeah, if only you could've
gone with your sister.
139
00:04:51,049 --> 00:04:52,717
Dude, why are you going
140
00:04:52,718 --> 00:04:55,119
to your ex-wife's
engagement party at all?
141
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,022
She and her fiance, Hercules,
are also my landlords.
142
00:04:58,023 --> 00:04:59,624
I mean, it's not like I can avoid them.
143
00:04:59,625 --> 00:05:01,926
I live in their basement.
144
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,895
Hey!
145
00:05:03,961 --> 00:05:06,030
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- No.
146
00:05:06,031 --> 00:05:07,398
- You could go with me.
- Can't.
147
00:05:07,399 --> 00:05:09,609
- I have a date tomorrow night.
- Okay.
148
00:05:09,675 --> 00:05:12,470
I will figure something out.
149
00:05:12,471 --> 00:05:13,538
I know!
150
00:05:13,539 --> 00:05:15,339
Maybe if I pay my neighbor, Joann,
151
00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:16,950
she'll ditch her wife for the night!
152
00:05:18,977 --> 00:05:20,545
Captain, I don't know
if this is too much
153
00:05:20,546 --> 00:05:23,456
but I got deputy chief Brandt
this little basket of pears.
154
00:05:23,522 --> 00:05:27,351
They look ripe and crispy.
155
00:05:27,352 --> 00:05:30,353
(Madeline Wuntch)
Hello, Raymond.
156
00:05:34,526 --> 00:05:36,261
Captain Wuntch.
Good to see you.
157
00:05:36,327 --> 00:05:40,307
But if you're here,
who's guarding Hades?
158
00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:42,467
It's deputy chief Wuntch now.
159
00:05:42,468 --> 00:05:45,069
Unsurprisingly,
I've been promoted above you.
160
00:05:45,070 --> 00:05:46,771
And now I'm here to evaluate you.
161
00:05:46,837 --> 00:05:48,139
(Holt)
What happened to Brandt?
162
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:49,540
He retired and moved to Charleston
163
00:05:49,541 --> 00:05:51,175
to be closer to his grandchildren.
164
00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:53,945
So much for dying at your desk
with a little dignity.
165
00:05:53,946 --> 00:05:54,946
Interesting.
166
00:05:54,970 --> 00:05:57,315
I will attempt to cooperate with you.
167
00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:59,993
Under these new circumstances.
168
00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:02,119
Don't sweet-talk me, Holt.
169
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:06,499
I gave it my best shot.
Let's begin.
170
00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:09,660
Hey, hey!
171
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:10,695
How'd it go?
172
00:06:10,696 --> 00:06:11,863
Is his voice
all high-pitched now?
173
00:06:11,864 --> 00:06:13,364
What?
No, of course not.
174
00:06:13,365 --> 00:06:14,365
Of course not.
175
00:06:14,366 --> 00:06:15,258
Jake!
176
00:06:15,324 --> 00:06:17,594
The doctors made me into a superhero!
177
00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:20,771
I am so strong!
178
00:06:20,772 --> 00:06:23,875
[Gasps]
And they made me black!
179
00:06:23,876 --> 00:06:25,243
He's on a lot of medication.
180
00:06:25,244 --> 00:06:26,577
We weren't able to do the procedure.
181
00:06:26,578 --> 00:06:27,945
Your friend is so large...
182
00:06:27,946 --> 00:06:30,648
That you needed a bigger saw
to get through his dingus?
183
00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:33,417
No, his body is so physically massive
184
00:06:33,418 --> 00:06:36,087
that we didn't have
enough anesthesia on hand.
185
00:06:36,088 --> 00:06:37,405
He needs a much larger dose.
186
00:06:37,471 --> 00:06:39,757
Psst... psst...
Jake.
187
00:06:39,758 --> 00:06:42,627
Sometimes I can't tell
my twin baby girls apart,
188
00:06:42,628 --> 00:06:44,495
so I call them both
"boo-boo."
189
00:06:44,496 --> 00:06:45,830
[Both laughing]
190
00:06:45,831 --> 00:06:48,416
Wow.
So he has no filter whatsoever?
191
00:06:48,482 --> 00:06:49,400
None.
192
00:06:49,401 --> 00:06:51,135
I'm gonna take ya home now, sarge.
193
00:06:51,136 --> 00:06:53,471
Hey, what do you think of captain Holt?
194
00:06:53,472 --> 00:06:55,090
He needs to smoke some weed.
195
00:06:55,156 --> 00:06:55,973
Yes!
196
00:06:55,974 --> 00:06:58,042
Thank you, Dr. Penis-off!
197
00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:01,245
Okay, in ya go.
You're okay.
198
00:07:01,246 --> 00:07:03,714
Whoo! Cool!
199
00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:08,019
Dude, your head is so small!
200
00:07:08,085 --> 00:07:09,253
Like a...
201
00:07:09,254 --> 00:07:12,523
No, no, it's so small!
202
00:07:12,524 --> 00:07:13,524
All right.
203
00:07:13,525 --> 00:07:16,444
Where do you keep your brains?
204
00:07:16,510 --> 00:07:18,563
[Terry roaring]
205
00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:19,948
Good.
206
00:07:20,014 --> 00:07:22,533
All right, got your PJS on,
read you a story,
207
00:07:22,534 --> 00:07:24,001
checked under the bed for monsters.
208
00:07:24,002 --> 00:07:25,169
Check again!
209
00:07:25,170 --> 00:07:27,789
And now it's sleepy-time,
so here we go...
210
00:07:27,855 --> 00:07:30,834
Wait, wait, wait...
211
00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:33,377
You gotta promise me you won't let them
212
00:07:33,378 --> 00:07:35,713
give me the operation.
213
00:07:35,714 --> 00:07:39,676
I wanna have more kids.
I don't want the vasectomy.
214
00:07:39,685 --> 00:07:41,819
Promise me, tiny head!
Promise me!
215
00:07:41,820 --> 00:07:44,180
All right, I promise!
I promise.
216
00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:45,890
Good!
217
00:07:45,891 --> 00:07:49,144
Because I'm not done
with my testicles yet.
218
00:07:49,161 --> 00:07:50,395
Okay.
219
00:07:50,461 --> 00:07:52,997
I'm gonna let them sing!
220
00:07:52,998 --> 00:07:54,774
[Vocalizing operatically]
221
00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:01,171
Uh-oh,
walk of shame!
222
00:08:01,172 --> 00:08:03,040
Same clothes as yesterday.
223
00:08:03,041 --> 00:08:04,332
I slept at the sarge's.
224
00:08:04,398 --> 00:08:05,676
It was horrible.
225
00:08:05,677 --> 00:08:09,446
Come... here...
Phone!
226
00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,615
All right, let's get going
and interview that suspect.
227
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:14,251
I have my make-up vasectomy
this afternoon so...
228
00:08:14,252 --> 00:08:16,286
I'm sorry,
your what-what vasectomy?
229
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,621
Last night, you told me
you didn't want that.
230
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:18,822
Then you fell on top of me
231
00:08:18,823 --> 00:08:20,426
and changed the shape
of my skeleton forever.
232
00:08:20,427 --> 00:08:23,395
No, I definitely want one.
233
00:08:23,396 --> 00:08:26,564
That was the drugs talking.
I was high as a kite.
234
00:08:29,757 --> 00:08:34,106
- Did I do this and call you "tiny head?"
- Yes.
235
00:08:34,107 --> 00:08:35,864
Some things are coming back to me now.
236
00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:37,309
Oh, that's great.
237
00:08:37,310 --> 00:08:39,178
[Terry laughs]
Tiny head.
238
00:08:39,179 --> 00:08:41,547
Jake, I am so scared
that man is about to make
239
00:08:41,548 --> 00:08:44,583
a huge mistake,
re: His vas deferens.
240
00:08:44,584 --> 00:08:47,553
I know, he made me promise
to not let him get that surgery.
241
00:08:47,554 --> 00:08:50,623
And it wasn't just the drugs.
He doesn't want this.
242
00:08:50,624 --> 00:08:54,049
As his friend, it's my job to stop him.
243
00:08:54,060 --> 00:08:57,363
[Back cracks, groans in pain]
244
00:08:57,364 --> 00:09:01,000
Sorry, Terry turned my spine
into a loose stack of pebbles.
245
00:09:01,001 --> 00:09:04,503
And since my arrival,
violent crime has gone down
246
00:09:04,504 --> 00:09:08,173
by 17.3%,
as you can see here.
247
00:09:08,174 --> 00:09:10,476
Two-toned graphs?
248
00:09:10,477 --> 00:09:12,711
You think you can distract me
from the precinct's problems
249
00:09:12,712 --> 00:09:14,611
with a flashy presentation?
250
00:09:14,677 --> 00:09:16,780
Same old Ray Holt.
251
00:09:16,846 --> 00:09:18,817
All sizzle, no steak.
252
00:09:18,818 --> 00:09:20,867
I'm off to do
some spot-checks.
253
00:09:22,489 --> 00:09:24,857
Oh, my God.
She's totally gonna flunk us.
254
00:09:24,858 --> 00:09:26,258
I haven't gotten an "F"
255
00:09:26,259 --> 00:09:28,127
since I failed recess in second grade.
256
00:09:28,128 --> 00:09:29,895
"Teachers need a break too,
Amy."
257
00:09:29,896 --> 00:09:33,165
We were doomed the minute
she slithered into the precinct.
258
00:09:33,166 --> 00:09:35,757
It's funny.
When we first met,
259
00:09:35,769 --> 00:09:37,535
we had some good times.
260
00:09:40,190 --> 00:09:42,090
Looks like we both want that stapler.
261
00:09:42,091 --> 00:09:43,859
Seems that way based on what happened.
262
00:09:44,373 --> 00:09:47,796
[Both laughing]
263
00:09:47,797 --> 00:09:49,698
So when did it all go south?
264
00:09:49,699 --> 00:09:52,768
1989. I was up
for a big promotion,
265
00:09:52,769 --> 00:09:54,636
which would've fast-tracked
my career.
266
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:56,205
Wuntch offered to write
a letter on my behalf
267
00:09:56,206 --> 00:09:59,174
but instead, she torpedoed me
because of something
268
00:09:59,175 --> 00:10:01,876
that happened the night before
she was to turn it in.
269
00:10:02,979 --> 00:10:03,979
Madeline.
270
00:10:06,783 --> 00:10:07,783
Would you care for a drink?
271
00:10:07,784 --> 00:10:08,951
I'd love one.
272
00:10:08,952 --> 00:10:11,019
I'm sure you can tell I'm quite drunk.
273
00:10:11,020 --> 00:10:13,889
I've had a couple
to build up the nerve.
274
00:10:13,890 --> 00:10:17,059
I think we both know
what I'm about to say.
275
00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:18,675
Raymond...
276
00:10:18,741 --> 00:10:21,062
I don't think we need to say anything.
277
00:10:25,168 --> 00:10:26,224
I'm gay.
278
00:10:26,290 --> 00:10:28,770
That's what I was going to tell you.
279
00:10:28,771 --> 00:10:30,395
Well, then.
280
00:10:30,461 --> 00:10:35,567
She sabotaged my career
because I refused to bed her.
281
00:10:37,278 --> 00:10:39,714
He thinks I stabbed him?
That's crazy.
282
00:10:39,715 --> 00:10:42,150
He said you were furious
at him because he banned you
283
00:10:42,151 --> 00:10:44,186
from the restaurant
and called your business plans
284
00:10:44,187 --> 00:10:45,187
"terrible."
285
00:10:45,188 --> 00:10:46,621
The text reads:
286
00:10:46,622 --> 00:10:50,091
"Your ideas are dumb-dumb
batter in a stupid pancake,
287
00:10:50,092 --> 00:10:53,428
you steaming pile
of human fences."
288
00:10:53,429 --> 00:10:56,231
I assume that was
auto-corrected from "feces."
289
00:10:56,232 --> 00:10:59,434
Look, partners fight.
He's difficult to work with,
290
00:10:59,435 --> 00:11:01,384
but I would never try and kill him.
291
00:11:01,450 --> 00:11:03,905
Where were you on monday
around 10:00 pm?
292
00:11:03,906 --> 00:11:05,474
Me and my business school
buddies get together
293
00:11:05,475 --> 00:11:07,609
every monday and have a couple beers.
294
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:09,578
Also, there's a... uh...
Pilates studio
295
00:11:09,579 --> 00:11:10,946
with a huge window across the street
296
00:11:10,947 --> 00:11:14,449
so it's a pretty sweet view.
297
00:11:14,450 --> 00:11:16,084
I guess that's not as bad
as stabbing someone?
298
00:11:16,085 --> 00:11:17,886
I left around 10:00,
299
00:11:17,887 --> 00:11:19,921
I took the subway home,
got off at York street,
300
00:11:19,922 --> 00:11:22,572
around my house, puked on
a statue, went to bed.
301
00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:25,760
Classy. All right, well, we've
taken up enough of your time
302
00:11:25,761 --> 00:11:27,796
enjoy the rest of your day
and go back to your life
303
00:11:27,797 --> 00:11:29,579
as "a pile
of human fences."
304
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,466
Okay, let's see if
any of DRK MLK's neighbors
305
00:11:31,467 --> 00:11:32,934
saw the pilates perv or anyone else
306
00:11:32,935 --> 00:11:34,736
fleeing the scene of the crime.
307
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:36,104
Copy that.
308
00:11:36,105 --> 00:11:37,539
We'll do some cop stuff,
have a heart-to-heart
309
00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:38,607
about your vasectomy,
cancel your vasectomy,
310
00:11:38,608 --> 00:11:39,741
grab some drinks, laugh about the time
311
00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:41,776
you almost got a vasectomy.
312
00:11:41,777 --> 00:11:43,845
Stop worrying about my vasectomy, man.
313
00:11:43,846 --> 00:11:45,747
Maybe you should focus
on your own body.
314
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:47,148
When's the last time you had a carrot?
315
00:11:47,149 --> 00:11:49,851
Well, it's my least favorite
type of cake, so rarely.
316
00:11:49,852 --> 00:11:52,087
If I absolutely have to,
I'll just eat the frosting.
317
00:11:52,088 --> 00:11:54,155
Hey!
Cut it out, cake boy.
318
00:11:54,156 --> 00:11:55,657
You're making health
insurance more expensive
319
00:11:55,658 --> 00:11:57,092
for everyone else!
320
00:11:57,093 --> 00:11:59,427
Yeah? Well, you know what
else drives up premiums?
321
00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,429
Unwanted genital removal!
322
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:02,946
[Door opens]
323
00:12:03,012 --> 00:12:05,100
[Sighs in relief]
Thank you for coming.
324
00:12:05,101 --> 00:12:06,234
I wasn't sure if you'd get my message.
325
00:12:06,235 --> 00:12:07,902
Charles, it was kind of hard to miss.
326
00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:11,204
Oh, God!
327
00:12:11,270 --> 00:12:12,741
Hey, I didn't know what to do.
328
00:12:12,742 --> 00:12:13,775
You said we weren't
allowed to talk at work
329
00:12:13,776 --> 00:12:15,333
now that we're knocking boots.
330
00:12:15,399 --> 00:12:16,578
Ew, gross.
331
00:12:16,579 --> 00:12:18,747
Listen,
my ex-wife's throwing
332
00:12:18,748 --> 00:12:19,981
an engagement party this weekend
333
00:12:19,982 --> 00:12:22,083
and I was wondering
if you wanted to go...
334
00:12:22,084 --> 00:12:23,485
As friends.
335
00:12:23,486 --> 00:12:27,155
No, Charles, just because
we have secret, shameful sex
336
00:12:27,156 --> 00:12:29,097
does not mean we are friends.
337
00:12:29,163 --> 00:12:31,192
Forget friends.
Let's go as "bone bros."
338
00:12:31,193 --> 00:12:32,694
Ugh!
339
00:12:32,695 --> 00:12:35,063
I didn't strike you when
you said "knocking boots,"
340
00:12:35,064 --> 00:12:39,968
but "bone bros"?
I cannot abide.
341
00:12:39,969 --> 00:12:41,860
Have you seen this man around DRK MLK.
342
00:12:41,926 --> 00:12:43,838
Oh, I don't go there.
343
00:12:43,839 --> 00:12:45,488
They don't allow babies in there.
344
00:12:45,554 --> 00:12:47,175
What is wrong with them?
345
00:12:47,176 --> 00:12:49,444
All I drank when I was a baby
was chocolate milk.
346
00:12:49,445 --> 00:12:51,036
Well, thank you for your time.
347
00:12:51,102 --> 00:12:52,914
And thank you, adorable little baby,
348
00:12:52,915 --> 00:12:54,249
who's probably giving my partner
349
00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:56,117
some mixed feelings right about now.
350
00:12:56,118 --> 00:12:58,153
"Don't get the operation, sarge!
351
00:12:58,154 --> 00:13:00,555
Instead, make a tiny muscular
friend for me to play with!"
352
00:13:00,556 --> 00:13:01,756
That's enough.
353
00:13:01,757 --> 00:13:02,757
I'm with you.
That's enough, baby.
354
00:13:02,758 --> 00:13:05,133
Mind your own business.
355
00:13:05,199 --> 00:13:07,696
I haven't heard of DRK MLK
356
00:13:07,697 --> 00:13:09,497
and I've never seen this man before.
357
00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:11,833
This is your lead?
Why are we here?
358
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,635
Well, according to the Internet,
359
00:13:13,636 --> 00:13:15,704
Dr. Mindel is the best
couples counselor
360
00:13:15,705 --> 00:13:18,106
in the Park slope area, who
accepts same day walk-ins.
361
00:13:18,107 --> 00:13:19,574
Couples counseling?
362
00:13:19,575 --> 00:13:21,042
Sorry for wasting your time.
363
00:13:21,043 --> 00:13:22,859
Wait, please don't leave.
364
00:13:22,925 --> 00:13:25,947
This cost me so much money.
[Door closes]
365
00:13:25,948 --> 00:13:27,614
I am so sorry.
366
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:29,784
He's walking out.
367
00:13:29,785 --> 00:13:31,201
Just like your father did.
368
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:33,254
Wait a minute,
I didn't tell you about that.
369
00:13:33,255 --> 00:13:34,589
Didn't have to.
370
00:13:34,590 --> 00:13:37,726
You are good!
371
00:13:37,727 --> 00:13:41,544
Sarge, wait up!
Come on, don't be mad!
372
00:13:41,610 --> 00:13:43,164
Look, I'm only trying to protect you
373
00:13:43,165 --> 00:13:44,899
from your very stupid self.
374
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:46,635
That is enough, Jake!
375
00:13:46,636 --> 00:13:48,169
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
376
00:13:48,170 --> 00:13:49,604
And the things you said
when you were whacked-out
377
00:13:49,605 --> 00:13:50,739
were real.
378
00:13:50,740 --> 00:13:53,274
You made me promise.
And as your friend...
379
00:13:53,275 --> 00:13:54,476
I told you, Jake.
380
00:13:54,477 --> 00:13:56,044
We're not that kind of friends.
381
00:13:56,045 --> 00:13:57,946
Not what kind of friends?
382
00:13:57,947 --> 00:13:58,980
"Friend" friends.
383
00:13:58,981 --> 00:14:00,563
You and I are work friends.
384
00:14:00,629 --> 00:14:02,732
Now, if you will excuse me,
385
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:05,110
I'm going to the doctor's office.
386
00:14:06,856 --> 00:14:08,890
Not good enough.
387
00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:12,260
Prepare to be physically
overpowered by a "friend" friend.
388
00:14:12,261 --> 00:14:13,409
Argh!
389
00:14:13,475 --> 00:14:15,764
Cancel the appointment!
I've got you!
390
00:14:15,765 --> 00:14:17,265
You can't move.
391
00:14:17,266 --> 00:14:19,415
Concede defeat, sir.
392
00:14:19,481 --> 00:14:21,535
You have been conquered.
393
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,468
(Madeline)
Spot-checks are done.
394
00:14:24,469 --> 00:14:26,670
Needless to say,
I thoroughly underwhelmed.
395
00:14:26,671 --> 00:14:27,871
Huh.
From your expression,
396
00:14:27,872 --> 00:14:31,308
I would've guessed
constipated or chilly.
397
00:14:31,309 --> 00:14:33,410
Excuse me, captain, I don't want to say
398
00:14:33,411 --> 00:14:37,180
that I saved the day,
but I will because I did.
399
00:14:37,181 --> 00:14:39,049
So...
400
00:14:39,050 --> 00:14:42,985
The letter of recommendation
she wrote for you 25 years ago.
401
00:14:44,446 --> 00:14:45,579
Where'd you get this?
402
00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:46,981
I just went down to one police plaza
403
00:14:46,982 --> 00:14:49,683
and applied some
of my signature Amy charm.
404
00:14:49,684 --> 00:14:52,152
And then when you wouldn't stop,
they just gave it to you?
405
00:14:52,153 --> 00:14:53,954
More or less.
406
00:14:53,955 --> 00:14:56,190
The point is,
the letter's very positive.
407
00:14:56,191 --> 00:14:58,425
You thought she wrote
mean stuff about you
408
00:14:58,426 --> 00:15:01,228
because of the...
Night before.
409
00:15:01,229 --> 00:15:03,764
But she didn't.
It was all a misunderstanding.
410
00:15:03,765 --> 00:15:05,432
(Madeline)
Wait a minute...
411
00:15:05,902 --> 00:15:08,402
You thought I cost you that
promotion because you're gay?
412
00:15:08,403 --> 00:15:11,208
That's what you've been mad
about all these years?
413
00:15:11,209 --> 00:15:13,544
It's... one reason.
414
00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:15,780
I don't care that
you rejected my advances.
415
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:17,715
Your sexual identity is the one thing
416
00:15:17,716 --> 00:15:19,750
I actually respect about you.
417
00:15:19,751 --> 00:15:21,585
Then what are you mad about?
418
00:15:21,586 --> 00:15:24,755
I'm mad because you tried
to get me thrown off the force.
419
00:15:24,756 --> 00:15:26,057
Yeah, because you shot me.
420
00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:28,993
I shot you because you were
in the wrong position.
421
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,428
You weren't following orders.
422
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,229
What about the time you
destroyed my personnel file
423
00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:33,230
while I was undercover?
424
00:15:33,231 --> 00:15:34,432
What if there had been a mole?
425
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:35,800
You were trying to make me disappear.
426
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:37,802
You embarrassed me
in front of Derek Jeter!
427
00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:43,457
You embarrassed yourself
in front of Derek Jeter.
428
00:15:48,069 --> 00:15:49,296
(Charles)
Hey, Rosa!
429
00:15:49,362 --> 00:15:53,134
Better file me under "E"
for "edgy."
430
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,219
- What?
- Cornrows!
431
00:15:55,285 --> 00:15:56,520
Why?
432
00:15:56,521 --> 00:15:58,989
My ex-wife and her fiance
go to Jamaica all the time.
433
00:15:58,990 --> 00:16:01,792
The theme of their party is:
"Jamaican me marry you."
434
00:16:01,793 --> 00:16:03,027
So good!
435
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:04,361
So...
436
00:16:04,362 --> 00:16:06,697
I still don't have a date.
437
00:16:06,698 --> 00:16:08,983
Unless this sweet maize-head
has changed your mind.
438
00:16:09,049 --> 00:16:10,634
I think we both know it hasn't.
439
00:16:10,635 --> 00:16:11,635
We do.
[Clears throat]
440
00:16:11,636 --> 00:16:12,778
Fair enough.
441
00:16:13,805 --> 00:16:14,805
[Exhales deeply]
442
00:16:14,806 --> 00:16:16,107
Why do you look so terrible?
443
00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:18,776
I tried to stop sarge
from getting his tubes tied.
444
00:16:18,777 --> 00:16:21,212
But he somehow managed to
sneak off to the hospital.
445
00:16:21,213 --> 00:16:23,080
Zip that lip!
He's doing it?
446
00:16:23,081 --> 00:16:25,316
He wouldn't listen to me.
He said I was a "work friend."
447
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:28,719
Ah, that chills me.
And it reminds me of a story.
448
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,421
I had this sweater,
and it was a work sweater
449
00:16:30,422 --> 00:16:32,590
because it only seemed work apropes,
450
00:16:32,656 --> 00:16:35,526
but then one time,
I wore it out to dinner
451
00:16:35,527 --> 00:16:37,962
and I was like, "oh, dang!
452
00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:39,972
This sweater is cute
everywhere."
453
00:16:40,932 --> 00:16:43,309
I get it.
I'm the sweater.
454
00:16:43,375 --> 00:16:44,335
No.
455
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,336
And I have to show the sarge
I can be a good friend
456
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:46,804
to him outside of work too.
457
00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:47,805
No!
458
00:16:47,806 --> 00:16:48,806
Thank you, Gina.
459
00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,141
I'm gonna stop him.
460
00:16:50,142 --> 00:16:51,208
Jake, I have no idea
what you're talking about,
461
00:16:51,209 --> 00:16:52,543
but good luck!
462
00:16:52,544 --> 00:16:55,070
Well, good-bye, Raymond.
463
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,697
Anything you'd like to say to me
464
00:16:56,715 --> 00:16:58,157
before I complete my evaluation?
465
00:16:58,223 --> 00:17:00,351
Something in the form of groveling?
466
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:03,621
Never.
Fail me if you must.
467
00:17:07,148 --> 00:17:09,360
You're just gonna let her fail us?
468
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:11,162
I'm sorry about your
precious grade, Santiago,
469
00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:13,130
but this isn't about you.
470
00:17:13,196 --> 00:17:14,732
Don't "this isn't about you" me!
471
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:17,668
I'm "this isn't
about you"-ing you!
472
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:20,004
That grade is the only thing
standing between me
473
00:17:20,005 --> 00:17:22,006
and a future where you're
not my captain anymore.
474
00:17:22,007 --> 00:17:24,558
Wuntch failed the nine-oh
and their captain was fired.
475
00:17:24,576 --> 00:17:27,745
I attempted to cajole her
but she rebuffed me.
476
00:17:27,746 --> 00:17:30,848
I'm not a man of unlimited cajoling.
477
00:17:30,849 --> 00:17:34,752
Well, you better become one
because I need you in command.
478
00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:37,555
This precinct needs you in command.
479
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:40,390
Cajole up, captain.
480
00:17:46,646 --> 00:17:49,033
Sarge, hey!
481
00:17:49,034 --> 00:17:52,670
What the hell
are you doing here, tiny head?
482
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:57,007
You better not be trying to talk
me out of my surgery again.
483
00:17:57,008 --> 00:17:58,542
Look, I'm not trying to
talk you out of anything.
484
00:17:58,543 --> 00:18:00,244
I'm just here to give you a ride home
485
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:02,079
and to prove to you once and for all
486
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,248
that I'm more than just a work friend.
487
00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,550
Thank you, microscope head.
488
00:18:06,551 --> 00:18:07,785
Hey, a little bit of good news!
489
00:18:07,786 --> 00:18:08,953
I figured out the case!
490
00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:10,287
Remember Gregory said he got off
491
00:18:10,288 --> 00:18:11,922
at the York street station
the night of the stabbing?
492
00:18:11,923 --> 00:18:13,023
Well, I took the subway here
493
00:18:13,024 --> 00:18:14,658
and it's closed for construction.
494
00:18:14,659 --> 00:18:15,659
Hmm...
495
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:17,761
So what you're saying is...
496
00:18:17,762 --> 00:18:19,763
I stabbed him.
497
00:18:19,764 --> 00:18:21,031
I did it.
498
00:18:21,032 --> 00:18:22,908
You know what?
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
499
00:18:22,974 --> 00:18:25,235
See you on the other side.
500
00:18:29,207 --> 00:18:30,541
Jake, you were right!
501
00:18:30,542 --> 00:18:33,010
I don't want the surger, tiny head!
502
00:18:33,011 --> 00:18:34,044
NYPD!
503
00:18:34,110 --> 00:18:35,446
Put down the scalpel and step away
504
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:37,180
from my work friend's
weiner-tubes!
505
00:18:38,956 --> 00:18:41,385
Looking good, Boyle!
506
00:18:41,451 --> 00:18:43,035
Ugh, that's not a good sign.
507
00:18:43,036 --> 00:18:45,164
Hey, mon.
508
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:47,733
Rosa...
You changed your mind!
509
00:18:47,734 --> 00:18:49,335
I blew off my date, and instead,
510
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:50,703
I'm going to spend a hellish evening
511
00:18:50,704 --> 00:18:52,505
in a Jamaican torture chamber with you.
512
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:53,906
- Really?
- Yeah.
513
00:18:53,907 --> 00:18:55,741
Here's what's about to happen.
514
00:18:55,742 --> 00:18:57,076
We're gonna go to this terrible party,
515
00:18:57,077 --> 00:18:58,410
I'm gonna laugh at all your jokes,
516
00:18:58,411 --> 00:18:59,845
gonna talk about your medal of valor,
517
00:18:59,846 --> 00:19:01,547
and I'm gonna make you look
like a Jamaican God of rhythm.
518
00:19:01,548 --> 00:19:03,015
Sebastian from the little mermaid.
519
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:06,868
Also, tomorrow, I'm gonna help
you find a new apartment.
520
00:19:06,984 --> 00:19:09,088
You can't live in your
ex-wife's basement anymore.
521
00:19:09,089 --> 00:19:11,540
Wow!
Respect, mon.
522
00:19:11,656 --> 00:19:14,226
I'm gonna read you my toast in the car.
523
00:19:14,227 --> 00:19:15,327
You're giving a toast?
524
00:19:15,328 --> 00:19:16,328
More like we're giving a toast.
525
00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:17,462
[Groans]
526
00:19:19,432 --> 00:19:20,432
(Jake)
There we go.
527
00:19:20,433 --> 00:19:22,217
Jake, I have to tell you something.
528
00:19:22,235 --> 00:19:23,602
Oh, boy.
529
00:19:23,603 --> 00:19:26,805
I am a little conflicted
about having a vasectomy.
530
00:19:26,871 --> 00:19:27,973
Really?
531
00:19:27,974 --> 00:19:29,875
Is that why you threw
an EKG machine at the doctor?
532
00:19:29,876 --> 00:19:32,511
I'm sorry I thought of you
as a work friend.
533
00:19:32,512 --> 00:19:35,856
You're here, man.
You're a friend friend.
534
00:19:35,922 --> 00:19:41,020
You made Terry get real
with himself and his genitals.
535
00:19:41,021 --> 00:19:46,892
Your tiny head has
a big heart inside it.
536
00:19:46,893 --> 00:19:49,870
I know that's scientifically
wrong, but thanks, sarge.
537
00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:54,266
I'm gonna talk to my wife
when she comes home.
538
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:57,419
You're a huggy good friend.
539
00:19:57,485 --> 00:19:59,437
No! Not again.
540
00:20:01,174 --> 00:20:03,175
Santiago, we received our grade.
541
00:20:03,176 --> 00:20:07,513
Oh, my God.
Is this good-bye?
542
00:20:07,514 --> 00:20:09,381
There's still so much
I have to say to you.
543
00:20:09,382 --> 00:20:12,718
2.7.
Mediocre.
544
00:20:12,719 --> 00:20:15,154
But enough for you to stick around.
545
00:20:15,155 --> 00:20:17,356
How did you get her to change her mind?
546
00:20:17,357 --> 00:20:19,441
I had to compromise
everything I stand for.
547
00:20:19,507 --> 00:20:21,727
You are now, and always have been,
548
00:20:21,728 --> 00:20:23,729
the superior police officer.
549
00:20:23,730 --> 00:20:26,765
And?
550
00:20:26,766 --> 00:20:29,868
The Derek Jeter thing was my fault.
551
00:20:29,934 --> 00:20:31,670
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
552
00:20:31,671 --> 00:20:32,805
No, you were right.
553
00:20:32,806 --> 00:20:33,973
This is the best job I've ever had
554
00:20:33,974 --> 00:20:38,010
and it would be foolish to
give it up over a petty feud.
555
00:20:38,011 --> 00:20:40,779
Here, this is for you.
556
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:42,915
It's a grade for your
performance these past few days.
557
00:20:42,916 --> 00:20:45,509
A letter grade, so as
to not be "weird" about it.
558
00:20:46,019 --> 00:20:49,455
Oh, my God.
You really shouldn't have.
559
00:20:49,456 --> 00:20:51,690
An "A."
560
00:20:51,691 --> 00:20:53,225
Thank you.
561
00:20:53,291 --> 00:20:55,644
Just curious,
does your system have pluses
562
00:20:55,710 --> 00:20:58,897
in it, or is, like, "A" the highest?
563
00:21:01,201 --> 00:21:03,102
How'd the interrogation go?
564
00:21:03,103 --> 00:21:05,404
Gregory confessed to the stabbing.
565
00:21:05,405 --> 00:21:07,339
Nice work.
566
00:21:07,340 --> 00:21:08,874
I just talked to my wife.
567
00:21:08,875 --> 00:21:11,744
We're waiting on the operation,
everything's cool.
568
00:21:11,745 --> 00:21:13,679
Did you tell her
we slept together twice?
569
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:18,217
Thanks for taking care of me.
I got you a present.
570
00:21:18,218 --> 00:21:20,319
Do you know what a present is, Terry?
571
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,421
I care about my friends.
572
00:21:22,422 --> 00:21:25,824
Now eat your carrots, or I'll
rip your tiny head off.
573
00:21:25,825 --> 00:21:27,259
No! No! No!
574
00:21:27,260 --> 00:21:28,260
Come here.
575
00:21:28,261 --> 00:21:29,928
[Gags]
576
00:21:29,929 --> 00:21:31,815
I hate being friends with you!
577
00:21:31,816 --> 00:21:35,783
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