1
00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:04,671
Back in the bosom
of Lady Liberty. New York!

2
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,041
Your baby boy's
triumphant return!

3
00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:10,343
Fitzgerald High's Distinguished
Alum of the Year coming through!

4
00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:12,045
Make way!

5
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,647
A lot of energy
after that red-eye.

6
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,817
I feel terrible.
My eyes are all red af...

7
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:19,253
Oh, I see what they did.

8
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:20,987
Yeah, I feel normal.

9
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,257
Most nights I sleep
sitting up in my clothes,

10
00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:26,193
holding a plastic cup with
garbage in it anyhow, so...

11
00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:29,028
This is my man, and he
is distinguished, people.

12
00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:31,998
Yes, the high school that once
treated me like a nobody

13
00:00:32,031 --> 00:00:34,167
is finally recognizing me
for what I am.

14
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:35,034
This is it.

15
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,369
This is all happening.

16
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:38,439
Comeuppance.
Genuine come up the pants!

17
00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:39,872
Just being back
in New York

18
00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:41,542
is actually a comeback for me.

19
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:44,411
'Cause the last time
I was here wasn't great.

20
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,151
Aah! Oh!

21
00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:53,587
(screaming, thudding)

22
00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:56,557
(upbeat jazz playing)

23
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:57,990
(thudding)

24
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,027
I love New York!

25
00:01:01,060 --> 00:01:02,762
*

26
00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:07,100
Hey, Mama!
Back! Get back from the curb!

27
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:09,469
There's maniacs out here!
Well, I'm being
careful, Mom. God!

28
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:11,105
Thank God you are here, Jess.

29
00:01:11,138 --> 00:01:12,772
I could not get
through a weekend

30
00:01:12,805 --> 00:01:14,775
with Schmidt's mom without you.

31
00:01:14,807 --> 00:01:16,409
Do you know that
she carried him for 11 months?

32
00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:17,545
PADFUNT.

33
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,313
PAD... PADFUNT?

34
00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:21,914
Positivity Always,
Decency Forever,

35
00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:24,551
Understanding
No Trouble.

36
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,454
That's my strategy
for surviving New York.

37
00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:29,923
And that's how
you survive Louise.

38
00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:32,126
Look at my boy!

39
00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:34,295
Are you wearing
suntan lotion?
Yes.

40
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,463
Say hello to your brother.
Oh, hello, Reggie.

41
00:01:36,496 --> 00:01:37,765
Kiss your brother.

42
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:39,599
What?
Kiss your brother. He loves it!

43
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,468
I don't want to.
I don't want to.
Kiss him! Kiss him on the lips.

44
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:42,735
He loves it. Come on.
I don't want to, Mama!

45
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,138
Come on, Schmidt.
It's okay. I'll kiss him.

46
00:01:44,171 --> 00:01:45,506
Why would you do that?

47
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:46,973
He's your husband's
brother. That's gross.

48
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,411
Hey, Louise.
Ah, there she is.

49
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,945
Hey, Schmidt, uh, Nick and I are
gonna grab a cab into the city.

50
00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:55,783
Get one of our famous
extravagant lunches.

51
00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:56,783
Your what?

52
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:57,950
You know our thing.

53
00:01:57,984 --> 00:02:00,254
We're men of means.
We like nice lunches.

54
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,790
Men of means?
This is New York City.

55
00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:05,125
A city only one
Baldwin can afford.

56
00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:06,926
I would love to
offer up a retort,

57
00:02:06,959 --> 00:02:08,961
but true men of means
are rich in dignity.

58
00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:10,963
Yes, they're also
rich in money.

59
00:02:10,997 --> 00:02:12,966
Just remember
to be back by 7:00.

60
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,502
And it's Fitzgerald
High School in Great Neck.

61
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:16,804
Sure.
If you can't remember
Great Neck,

62
00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:18,472
that's what they used
to call me in high school,

63
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,473
'cause, well, 'cause
I was dangerously fat,

64
00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,342
specifically
in the neck area.
NICK:
We won't forget.

65
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:23,443
Let's get a cab.
(laughs)

66
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,278
Men of means!
Men of means!

67
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:28,181
Welcome to Long Island,
the real New York.

68
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:33,353
This is such
a lovely home, Louise.

69
00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:35,021
Yes, it is.

70
00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:38,125
Who wants Crystal Light?
Oh, me.
Thank you.

71
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,461
That is good. I'd kiss you,
but that would mean

72
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,795
I made out with both
of Schmidt's parents.
(Schmidt groans softly)

73
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,198
JESS:
Yeah.

74
00:02:44,231 --> 00:02:46,133
Good vibes.
Great trip so far.

75
00:02:46,165 --> 00:02:49,203
Welp, I'm gonna go wardrobe prep
for tonight and press my suit.

76
00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:51,138
I'll press it.
Or I... I can press it.

77
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:53,307
Can you, though?

78
00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:55,042
(whispers):
PADFUNT.

79
00:02:55,074 --> 00:02:57,311
Whew! I am stuffed.

80
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,979
What a lunch.
Expensive but worth it.

81
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,681
I'm still feeling
a bit peckish.

82
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,317
Please, a third lobster at once.

83
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:05,318
And a telephone on a tray.
Rotary.

84
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,486
(laughs)

85
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,055
BOTH:
Men of means!

86
00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:09,990
It was lavish,
but we deserved it.

87
00:03:10,022 --> 00:03:12,592
80% tip, zero
percent regret.

88
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:15,663
Ooh, that sounds good.
Hey... keep it up.

89
00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:17,097
Little five spot.

90
00:03:17,129 --> 00:03:18,699
Little crispy Abe!

91
00:03:18,731 --> 00:03:21,269
Hey, today, we are going for it.

92
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:24,103
(whooping and laughing)

93
00:03:25,104 --> 00:03:26,674
Yeah, man.
You got it?

94
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,675
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's,
that's all you right there.

95
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,076
You got it? Man, I
don't have any money.

96
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,445
Yeah.
I need to borrow a little
bit. I spent everything.

97
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:35,615
I was gonna ask you.
I spent all my cash on lunch.

98
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,950
Well, I only take prepaid
debit cards with me on trips

99
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,520
so I can stick to a budget.

100
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,254
I'm tapped out, man.
Use your credit card.

101
00:03:41,288 --> 00:03:43,456
I don't have
a credit card!
You don't have a credit card?

102
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,859
Once you get one,
you're in their system.
I have zero dollars.

103
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,228
Okay, well, how are we supposed
to get to Long Island?

104
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:51,230
So, we don't
have any money?
(drumming)

105
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:53,501
(indistinct
woman's voice over P.A.)

106
00:03:57,670 --> 00:03:59,606
Excuse me?

107
00:03:59,639 --> 00:04:01,942
I put five dollars
in there earlier.

108
00:04:01,974 --> 00:04:03,911
I need to take $4.50 out.

109
00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:06,847
I guess you could say my ears
are bigger than my pockets.

110
00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:10,950
Oh!

111
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,586
Very close to hitting my finger!

112
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,388
Brother, brother, brother.

113
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,588
(laughs)

114
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:17,591
How you doing,
black man? Black man,

115
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:19,593
how you...? Aah! Oh!

116
00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:24,230
I got this.
Let me tap in.
(groans)

117
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,766
Black man, black man,
my brother, my brother.

118
00:04:25,798 --> 00:04:27,300
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

119
00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:29,437
Is that the homecoming
welcome package?
Ooh!

120
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:31,605
I want to see what picture of me
they used.

121
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:32,939
I sent in, like, 20.
(laughs)

122
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,274
I hope they used the one of me

123
00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:35,776
shaking hands
with Pierce Brosnan.

124
00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:38,211
We really ruined his dinner,
but it was worth it.

125
00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:43,983
What the hell?!

126
00:04:44,016 --> 00:04:46,153
There's, like, 100 honorees.

127
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,790
(sighs)

128
00:04:49,822 --> 00:04:51,792
"An opportunity
for various

129
00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:53,093
"alumni to support

130
00:04:53,125 --> 00:04:54,293
"our dream of purchasing

131
00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:55,963
a new gymnasium scoreboard"?

132
00:04:55,995 --> 00:04:58,598
They're not honoring me.
They're shaking me down!

133
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,334
Of course.

134
00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:02,470
The alumni association is run
by the same jerks

135
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:05,271
who used to pull this crap on me
back in high school.

136
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,108
Every student council meeting
needs some pizza.

137
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,110
Here you go, Marissa.
My treat.

138
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,478
Cool. Thanks.

139
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:12,812
You can take off now.

140
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:14,781
(laughs)
But it's my house.

141
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,449
Mm-hmm.

142
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:20,286
I'm gonna go for a lap
around the block, then.

143
00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:21,788
The only thing she devoured more

144
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,524
than my pizza was
my self-esteem,

145
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:25,625
and now she's back for seconds.

146
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:27,293
Ugh! That's gut-wrenching!

147
00:05:27,326 --> 00:05:28,461
Sorry, sweetheart.

148
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,963
I'm sorry in a way
only a mother could be.

149
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:34,834
It sucks that it was so cool to
be a bully when we were young.

150
00:05:34,867 --> 00:05:36,202
This is a disaster.

151
00:05:36,235 --> 00:05:38,338
If you need me,
I'll be in my room...

152
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:40,740
blasting Dookie on cassette.

153
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,310
Wait! Schmidt.

154
00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:45,812
(sighs):
Oh.

155
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,814
Freakin' New York.
(door closes)

156
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,750
Ma, you turned my room
into Reggie's room?!

157
00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:52,752
I hate my brother!

158
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,591
* Do you have the time...

159
00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:58,826
You all right in there, baby?

160
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,261
I got this. A mother knows how.

161
00:06:01,293 --> 00:06:03,163
You all right in there, baby?

162
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,264
Let me try.

163
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:09,937
* I am one of those
Schmidt? Schmidt? Schmidt?

164
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,872
* Melodramatic fools
Schmidt? Schmidt?

165
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:16,343
* Neurotic to the bone,
no doubt about it *
Schmidt?! Schmidt?

166
00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,377
Schmidt?
Okay, okay.

167
00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:19,779
(whispers):
Just one more.

168
00:06:19,812 --> 00:06:21,281
* Sometimes I give myself...
Schmidt?

169
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:22,348
SCHMIDT:
Shut up!

170
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,716
(quietly):
Yes, I did it.

171
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:25,018
Leave me alone, ass hat!

172
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,353
JESS:
I know you didn't mean that.

173
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,721
Is there anything that we can do

174
00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:29,088
to make you feel better
right now?

175
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:30,690
Schmaegalman's.

176
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:33,259
Schmaegalman's?
Schmaegalman's
is his favorite deli.

177
00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:34,595
He loves their soup.

178
00:06:34,627 --> 00:06:36,295
He's telling us
he's hungry!

179
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:37,697
Do you not know
when he's hungry?!

180
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,298
I know when he's
hungry, Louise.
I'll stay here

181
00:06:39,331 --> 00:06:41,869
in case he needs me.
Cece, you go get the soup.

182
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,903
Maybe I should stay here
considering I'm his wife?
Fine.

183
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,805
We'll order in Ling's Palace.

184
00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:47,908
It's fine. It's just fine.

185
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,709
(shouting):
We're getting Ling's Palace

186
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:51,310
because your wife
won't get Schmaegalman's.

187
00:06:51,343 --> 00:06:53,312
Aah!
Hey, guys.

188
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:55,415
I want everyone
to have a really great trip.

189
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:58,084
You both stay here. I'm gonna go
to Schmergerman...

190
00:06:58,117 --> 00:06:59,786
I'm gonna go to Schmaegel...

191
00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:01,387
CECE:
Schmaegalman's. No.
Bagelman's?

192
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:02,221
Schmaegalman's.

193
00:07:02,254 --> 00:07:03,557
Maegalman's?
Maegal. Yeah.

194
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:05,425
I'm gonna go to...
to the deli.
Yeah...

195
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,461
You?
Can I borrow your car, please?

196
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:09,262
If you get so much
as a scratch on it,

197
00:07:09,295 --> 00:07:10,764
you'll never leave New York.

198
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:13,065
Because you'll be dead.
Because I'll be dead.

199
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,434
You can't handle that deli.

200
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:16,803
I think I can handle
going to a deli.

201
00:07:16,836 --> 00:07:19,005
(clamoring)

202
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,944
(exhales)
PADFUNT.

203
00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:26,346
I got this.

204
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,415
We got this, man.
Don't worry about it.

205
00:07:28,447 --> 00:07:30,783
We're industrious, you
know? We're resourceful.

206
00:07:30,817 --> 00:07:31,985
Just got to...

207
00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:34,454
(coins jangle)

208
00:07:35,488 --> 00:07:37,124
Hey. Follow my lead.

209
00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:40,093
(chuckles)
* Gather round, everybody

210
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,095
* Gather round, everybody

211
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,932
(chuckling musically)

212
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,433
They're gathering.
(chuckles) Gather round.
Yes, yes. Yes, indeed.

213
00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:49,970
What's the plan?
We're gonna show
'em our talent.

214
00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:51,303
That's what we're gonna do.

215
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:53,173
(grunts, chuckles)

216
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:55,341
What time is it? It's showtime.

217
00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:57,444
What time is it?
It's showtime.

218
00:07:57,476 --> 00:07:59,312
Who wants to see
what he's gonna do?

219
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,180
I do!
'Cause I'm gonna do it.

220
00:08:01,213 --> 00:08:03,449
He's gonna do it!
I'll do it!

221
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,117
NICK:
Got to do it!
Let's do it!

222
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:08,120
It's honestly time to do it!
Yeah, we're about to!

223
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,822
(chuckling)

224
00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:12,492
Y'all don't want to
miss this! (chuckles)

225
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:15,461
Yeah. Yeah.
(chuckles) All right,
get ready for showtime!

226
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,463
We gonna do something with this!

227
00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:18,298
Oh, yeah.
This the main event

228
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,966
right here!
(whoops)

229
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,636
WOMAN: The next L train
is now arriving

230
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:24,504
on the Manhattan track.
What is this?
What is this?

231
00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:31,144
Did it just work?
(chuckles)

232
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:34,047
Yes, sir, my man,
I think it did!

233
00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:36,817
Let's count up all this loot.

234
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:40,052
That's several-- see
what we find right here.

235
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:43,090
Got seventy...
We got 72 cents.

236
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:46,359
So if we just stall
until the train arrives,

237
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:49,196
we never have
to do anything.
What time is it?

238
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,063
It's showtime!
What time is it?

239
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:53,432
It's showtime!
(chuckling musically)

240
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:56,036
Excuse me, sir.
Is this the line?

241
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:58,038
(chuckles)
What a New York character.

242
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,072
You're a New York character.

243
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,741
Oh, sorry.
Um, I was just...

244
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:03,777
getting in line behind you.
(chuckles)

245
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,544
Don't want to get in a pickle.

246
00:09:05,578 --> 00:09:07,880
That's just deli fun. Oh.

247
00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:10,250
There you go, sweetheart.
Okay, there we go!

248
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,885
Hi, do you have special soup...
This is

249
00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:14,386
the cream cheese line. Next.

250
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:16,456
You're still here?

251
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,424
I'm sorry. I'll just...
Next!

252
00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:19,525
Yes, um...
Too slow!

253
00:09:19,558 --> 00:09:20,360
Next!
Two pounds

254
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,461
of whitefish.

255
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:22,629
Beautiful baby.

256
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,865
Don't talk to me.
Okay.

257
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,566
MAN:
43, 44, 45, 46...

258
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,467
Oh, yes, um,
may I please have the...
46.

259
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:30,037
Two black-and-whites.
Oh, uh,

260
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,471
excuse me, I'm 45.
Yeah,

261
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:32,605
he already called it,
slowpoke.

262
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:34,240
Here you go.
Welcome to New York.

263
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:35,609
(chuckles)

264
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:37,644
*

265
00:09:42,581 --> 00:09:43,884
No!

266
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,552
I'm 45!

267
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:49,556
45 is before 46!

268
00:09:49,588 --> 00:09:51,290
You'll get your damn cookies

269
00:09:51,323 --> 00:09:54,461
when you give me your ass!

270
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,962
(clatter)

271
00:09:55,995 --> 00:10:00,768
One large special soup now!

272
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,735
Schmidt, it's Jess.
I got your soup

273
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,938
but not until I punched
this city in the damn throat.

274
00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:07,674
I thought you were
all about keeping it positive.

275
00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:10,509
That is for sucker MCs
and West Coast punks.

276
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:13,480
This city's a jungle, so
you better be a freaking lion.

277
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:15,081
That goes for you, too, Schmidt.

278
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,317
I had an epiphany getting
your soup.

279
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,251
That's what you got to do
tonight.

280
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:20,620
What are you talking about?

281
00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:22,154
You're a really special guy,

282
00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:23,990
and you got to let everyone
in high school know that.

283
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,092
So you got to go
to that homecoming,

284
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,661
you got to grab that mic,

285
00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:29,328
and you got to roast
that Marissa

286
00:10:29,361 --> 00:10:32,298
and the rest
of those junkyard... fat cats.

287
00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:35,501
I'm gonna tell them all
what I really think of them.

288
00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:36,503
Yeah!

289
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:37,437
Yeah!

290
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,272
Somebody bring me
an ironing board!

291
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:42,308
Oh, I got it, babe.
Coming, darling!

292
00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:47,147
What else you got, New York?!

293
00:10:47,179 --> 00:10:49,316
You want to step into me?!
Stop, stop,

294
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,149
stop, stop!

295
00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:52,284
Stop! NYPD!

296
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,620
Ma'am, I need to commandeer
this vehicle.

297
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:56,188
If you want to commandeer
this vehicle,

298
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,325
then you're gonna have
to commandeer this ass.

299
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:05,331
Thanks a lot, New York!
(shouts, grunts)

300
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,899
Dude, watch my soup!

301
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:08,634
(screaming)

302
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,669
(tires screeching)

303
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,673
MAN:
What are you doin'?!

304
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:15,207
Where'd you learn
to drive?!

305
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:16,876
Damn it.

306
00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:19,211
You commandeered
my friend's mom's car

307
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:21,480
and then you crashed it?
That's like me asking

308
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:25,018
to borrow your dumb cop jacket
and then... just crashing it.

309
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:28,187
Man, I thought
I had this city licked.

310
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,889
But in the end,
it was me who got licked.

311
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,359
Wait, did that
actually happen?

312
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,227
'Cause there have been some
reported lickings recently,

313
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,730
and if you got a good
look at the guy...

314
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:38,264
I was obviously speaking
metaphorically.

315
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:39,932
Right. Me, too. Our
city is wonderful.

316
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:41,701
It's a great place
to walk around.

317
00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:44,604
So what about
my friend's mom's car?

318
00:11:44,636 --> 00:11:46,605
Let me guess,
there's nothing you can do.

319
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:49,408
No, ma'am, listen,
everything's gonna be fine.

320
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:52,111
Just go to the 99th Precinct,
and-- I promise you--

321
00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:54,014
you will be treated
in the most efficient

322
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,682
and pleasant way imaginable.

323
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,286
Proof of ownership.
Liability release.

324
00:11:59,318 --> 00:12:00,754
Waiver of responsibility.
Smog check.

325
00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:03,123
Non-operation
of a boat.

326
00:12:03,155 --> 00:12:06,393
Waiver of somethin'.
Liability release.

327
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:09,028
Ya-dee-da. Da-dee-da.

328
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,529
And da.

329
00:12:10,562 --> 00:12:13,232
This is an application
to join the NYPD softball team.

330
00:12:13,265 --> 00:12:17,037
You think I like sitting here,
handing you form after form?

331
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:17,870
Kind of.

332
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,972
You're right. I do.

333
00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:22,442
God, it's like you're in here.

334
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:27,547
Aw, the train!
What terrible timing.

335
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,381
You're gonna miss the show.
What a drag!

336
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,051
It's crazy, man.
CHARLES:
This is amazing.

337
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,786
Do you guys need volunteers?
Because I'll do it.

338
00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,453
I was just telling my son
how I've always dreamed

339
00:12:34,486 --> 00:12:36,889
of being a busker.

340
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,290
Well, guess what.
(chuckles)

341
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:39,893
You have just
introduced yourself

342
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,894
to the best buskers
in the business.

343
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,730
WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
due to a signal problem

344
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:48,067
at 51st Street, all trains
are currently delayed.

345
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:49,970
Thank you for your patience.

346
00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:54,606
NICK:
What do we do
now, Winston?

347
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,743
(chuckles)
We are about
to busk, baby.

348
00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:58,946
Okay, you're busking
with the best!

349
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:01,280
In the most
unbelievable,

350
00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:03,316
I said inconceivable,

351
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:06,153
unthinkable,
unbelievable,

352
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:07,153
also unthinkable...

353
00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:08,587
Are you stalling?

354
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:11,091
(chuckles)
In what world?

355
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,426
In-in-in-in-in-
in-in-in-in-in...

356
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,427
(stammering)

357
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,463
What-what-what-what-what-what-
what-what-what-what...

358
00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:18,498
Jess?

359
00:13:18,530 --> 00:13:20,767
Hey, Cece, I-I know I'm late.

360
00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:22,101
It's this freakin' city.

361
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:23,602
Huh?
A cop wrecked Louise's car.

362
00:13:23,635 --> 00:13:25,304
I'm waiting to talk
to his captain.
What?

363
00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:26,773
What are you talking
about right now?

364
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,475
Just tell her it's fine.

365
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,610
Did you tell Schmidt
to do a roast tonight?

366
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,111
Funk yeah, I did.

367
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:33,947
That's how you deal
with this town.
Well, I think

368
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,015
that's a huge mistake.
What, to defend
your husband?

369
00:13:36,048 --> 00:13:37,450
I didn't say that,
Louise.

370
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,619
Mom, how's this?
"In conclusion,

371
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,855
"you're ugly. I make money.

372
00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:44,691
You just got roasted
by the California Kid."

373
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:47,961
I think it's sensational.
(chuckles) Can you please
just get back here?

374
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:50,462
We're not ready yet!
We're not ready yet,
'cause I got to do something

375
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,032
that you didn't know
I was about to do.

376
00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:54,667
Do it!
Blow your mind. Oh.

377
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:57,136
Another piece of the puzzle!
Whoa!

378
00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:59,306
We're taking it to the top!

379
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,374
Do it, do it,
(chanting "Do it!")

380
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:02,475
do...
Thank you
for starting that chant.

381
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,643
You got it.

382
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,211
Okay, it's, uh... it's looking

383
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,647
like we have to do it.
Okay, I don't know
what "it" is.

384
00:14:07,679 --> 00:14:09,481
"It" is looking
like a jump.

385
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,985
Okay, that is bone-chilling
news. It's too long.

386
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:15,087
Look, we have no choice, okay?
We got to get to Long Island.

387
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:16,056
(chanting continues)

388
00:14:16,088 --> 00:14:17,190
We can do it.
We can do it.

389
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:18,191
All right! Here we go!
Okay! Here we go!

390
00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:19,192
Here we go!

391
00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:20,559
(chanting continues)

392
00:14:20,592 --> 00:14:22,428
On the count of three.

393
00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:24,264
(chanting continues)

394
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,332
One, two, three.

395
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:28,534
* Let this be a moment

396
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:29,937
(distorted grunt)

397
00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:32,772
* A moment you shine

398
00:14:32,804 --> 00:14:34,441
(distorted):
You can do it!

399
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:37,610
* 'Cause you can do anything.

400
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:40,246
(grunts)
(crowd groans)

401
00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:41,447
(Nick groans)

402
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,682
CHARLES:
That was great.

403
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,451
That was great!

404
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:46,885
(Nick continuing groaning)

405
00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:48,154
I broke my back.

406
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,625
Winston.

407
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:55,427
We-Well, your car
should be fixed by morning.

408
00:14:55,461 --> 00:14:56,629
How do I know you're not lying?

409
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:57,965
I never lie.

410
00:14:57,998 --> 00:14:59,399
Although I told my mother

411
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,734
her hair looked good once...

412
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:03,235
and it didn't.

413
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:04,870
Just looked okay.

414
00:15:04,903 --> 00:15:06,472
Okay, I believe you,
even though you're from

415
00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:08,441
the city of garbage water
and pizza trash.
What is

416
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:09,908
your problem with this city?

417
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:10,943
(sighs)

418
00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:12,044
I've just never had

419
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,047
a good experience here.

420
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:15,782
I came here once before

421
00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:18,451
and it was a complete disaster.

422
00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:20,720
Did you go to the opera
and were disappointed?

423
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,389
It's this new director.
No,

424
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,624
I actually...
I had this great week planned,

425
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:27,726
and then thing after thing
went wrong, and then

426
00:15:27,759 --> 00:15:30,297
I cut my trip off early.

427
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,432
Oh, my God.

428
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:34,634
(gasps)

429
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,668
Oh, my God.

430
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,440
That's when that was?

431
00:15:40,472 --> 00:15:41,774
Obviously, I don't know,
because I have no idea

432
00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:42,942
what you're talking about.

433
00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:45,611
I left early

434
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:48,947
and I went home
and surprised my boyfriend.

435
00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:52,951
* Who's that girl...

436
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,489
* It's Jess.

437
00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:59,426
Spencer was the actual worst.

438
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:03,096
He called sex "making tacos."

439
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:06,765
Well, you know
what I always say?

440
00:16:06,798 --> 00:16:08,600
Things happen for a reason...

441
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:09,802
Yes, and the reason

442
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:11,937
that New York sucked
was because I was

443
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,773
supposed to catch Spencer,
'cause I wasn't...
No, you didn't let me finish.

444
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:14,941
supposed to end up with him.

445
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,609
I always say
things happen for a reason,

446
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,178
and that reason
is random chance.

447
00:16:19,211 --> 00:16:21,447
No, you were right
the first time.

448
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,183
New York wasn't
kicking my ass, it was

449
00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:26,452
nudging it, gently,
in the right direction.

450
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,821
(gasps) Just like

451
00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:30,990
you are right now.

452
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:33,793
Yes.

453
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,195
Yes, that's what's happening.
You can't be mad

454
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:37,629
at your past--
it makes you who you are.

455
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:40,299
And, oh, my God.

456
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:42,634
I told my friend
to do something really stupid,

457
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,171
and I have to go stop him.

458
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:47,340
Hey, do you want to do something
very, super considerate?

459
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:48,807
We can't provide you
with a police escort.

460
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,043
I wasn't gonna ask that.
Yeah, you were.

461
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:52,211
Yeah, I was.
But here:

462
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,480
my lunch.

463
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,381
It's not Schmaegalman's,
but take it.

464
00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:57,216
It's Ling's Palace.

465
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,351
It's fine.

466
00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:01,953
It's just fine.

467
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:10,762
Oh, Dragon!
Did I miss it?

468
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,231
Uh-uh. It's cool.

469
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:14,366
That's a really
realistic-looking costume,

470
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:15,667
with the smoke
and everything.
Yeah.

471
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,569
Oh, you're just hotboxing.

472
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:19,605
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm a vice principal.

473
00:17:19,638 --> 00:17:20,906
Oh!
Hey...

474
00:17:20,940 --> 00:17:23,843
Oh!

475
00:17:23,875 --> 00:17:25,044
You're a mess, dude.

476
00:17:25,077 --> 00:17:26,512
(laughs)

477
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,881
And with Fitzgerald High's
new scoreboard,

478
00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:32,184
we can make Great Neck
great again.

479
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:33,586
(laughs)

480
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,288
JESS:
Wait, wait,

481
00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:38,758
Schmidt.
What? What,
is my makeup too thick?

482
00:17:38,790 --> 00:17:41,728
What? No, no, you look great.

483
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,962
Uh, look, you can't do this.
I was wrong.

484
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:46,566
Wh... What are you talking
about? This was your idea.

485
00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:48,734
I know. But I was wrong.

486
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:50,302
You can't be mad
at these people.

487
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:51,938
But they were all
horrible to me, Jess.

488
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:53,472
And that's why you left.

489
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,974
You created
your own path.

490
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,277
You changed cities.

491
00:17:57,309 --> 00:17:58,577
You made friends.

492
00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:01,480
You found your purpose.

493
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:03,282
You met the love of your life.

494
00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:04,717
I sure did.

495
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,553
Just enjoy your evening.

496
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:10,557
You know, you have nothing
to say to these people.

497
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:13,792
If anything-- thank you.

498
00:18:15,827 --> 00:18:18,230
I can't wait to see the look
on Schmidt's face

499
00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:19,731
when he realizes we made it.

500
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,401
Well, he wanted us to make it.

501
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,403
As I was saying, though, I can't
wait to see the look on his face

502
00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:25,172
when he realizes that we
made it, though, right?

503
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:27,339
That's just gonna be like, "Oh."
I know, but...

504
00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:29,741
just be exc... Yeah, I can't
wait, though, right?

505
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,244
Okay?
We can't score without you.

506
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,246
(laughs)

507
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,815
Whoa. Hello.

508
00:18:35,847 --> 00:18:38,951
Is this Schmidt? What...
what are you doing?

509
00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:42,288
Um... (clears throat) Excuse me,
Marissa, I'm very sorry.

510
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,423
I... I would
just be remiss

511
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,492
if I let this moment
pass me by.

512
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:50,262
You know, I'm a lucky man.

513
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,265
Because I wouldn't be the man

514
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:53,633
that I am today

515
00:18:53,665 --> 00:18:55,968
if it weren't
for the experiences

516
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:57,670
that I've had right here.

517
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,874
So, thank you...

518
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:03,542
for being the worst

519
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:05,877
that humankind has to offer.

520
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,448
That includes Harvey Levin
and every cast member

521
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,950
that's ever been on The Real
World/Road Rules Challenge.

522
00:19:10,982 --> 00:19:13,519
Thank you for showing me
that athletic apparel

523
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:16,021
is something that should never
be worn outside the house,

524
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:18,023
you chubby-thumbed
pickle hoarders.

525
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,358
And in conclusion,

526
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:21,361
you're all ugly.
I make money.

527
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:24,997
You just got roasted
by the California Kid. I did it!

528
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:32,971
Oh, you sure do talk a lot
when your mouth isn't full...

529
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,374
Great Neck.

530
00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:35,674
(laughter)

531
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,876
Thank you, Schmidt.

532
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:41,314
Boy, that was real
embarrassing for you, huh?

533
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:43,349
They're taunting my baby.

534
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:47,653
This is not good.

535
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:48,688
(gasps)

536
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:53,259
Allow me to
introduce myself.

537
00:19:53,292 --> 00:19:56,528
My name is Cece Schmidt.

538
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,397
So if any of you have

539
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:01,032
anything else you'd like to say
to my husband,

540
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:04,202
I will drag you
outside and we will

541
00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:06,239
handle this L.A. style.

542
00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:07,940
I will take you

543
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:12,010
to the corner
of Fairfax and La Brea.

544
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,012
Those are parallel streets.
I'm not telling her that.

545
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,414
That's my daughter!
(crowd booing)

546
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:20,853
We have to leave.
Where's my car?

547
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,390
Even though your car
is definitely here,

548
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,357
it's a beautiful night--
let's walk.

549
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:27,226
Okay, look, she clearly did
something weird with your car,

550
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,695
but I got something.
Trust us.
CECE: Sepulveda!

551
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,230
La Cienega, bitches.
El Matador beach.

552
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,534
You're just naming places
in Southern California.

553
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:35,835
CECE:
Nickel Canyon!

554
00:20:38,069 --> 00:20:39,405
What the...

555
00:20:40,772 --> 00:20:42,141
Told you we were men of means.

556
00:20:42,173 --> 00:20:43,442
Men of means!

557
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,044
(all cheering)
Yeah!

558
00:20:45,076 --> 00:20:46,913
That's what
I'm talking about!
All right!

559
00:20:46,945 --> 00:20:48,615
WINSTON:
Scoot over, scoot over,
I can't fit.

560
00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:50,383
Later, bro...
Tell 'em this story, Denny.

561
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,551
Okay.
Tell 'em all!

562
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:53,885
You guys have a good time.

563
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,923
All right. Uh...
(grunts)

564
00:20:56,955 --> 00:20:59,224
Oh, man, I'm a mess.

565
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,993
God, it's a perfect
fall New York day.

566
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:03,796
I'm almost sorry we're leaving.

567
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:05,332
COACH:
What the hell is going on?!

568
00:21:06,665 --> 00:21:08,800
Were you not gonna call me?

569
00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:10,303
How long you been here?

570
00:21:10,336 --> 00:21:11,903
We literally just got here.

571
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,772
Well, we were gonna go...
I had a, uh...

572
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:15,508
If I wasn't--
if I didn't just run into you,

573
00:21:15,541 --> 00:21:17,242
you guys would have just been...

574
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:19,811
* Ooh...

575
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,580
The only reason
I'm not pissed is because

576
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,281
I've been to L.A.,
like, five times,

577
00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:24,784
so we're good. Come on.

578
00:21:24,817 --> 00:21:26,919
ALL: Ah!

579
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:29,255
I got other friends.

580
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:32,258
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

581
00:21:32,290 --> 00:21:35,193
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH