1 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:04,338 Here we go. Peter. 2 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:05,739 That's Sam's favorite male nurse. 3 00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:07,208 He's gotten him two years in a row 4 00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:10,344 for secret Santa, and last year, he got him $500, 5 00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:11,879 and this year, he got him crayons. 6 00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:13,681 All over the map, that Peter. 7 00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:16,184 So, when you get to Sam's birthday party, is the goal 8 00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:19,187 to impress his friends with how much you know about them 9 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,221 or to terrify them? 10 00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:21,689 I just want them to like me. 11 00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:22,556 Finally, 12 00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:23,891 I feel like I'm in 13 00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,759 an adult relationship. He's a grown-up. 14 00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:27,428 Hey, Jess, heads up, I borrowed your towel. 15 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:28,762 Use your own towel if you're gonna shower. 16 00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:30,698 No, I didn't shower, I just sponged off. 17 00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:32,900 Ew. Ugh! That's even worse. 18 00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:35,669 You didn't even get clean before you used the towel. 19 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,271 It's called a French whore's bath. 20 00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:39,006 You wouldn't make a dime as a French whore. 21 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,108 You would make zero dollars. 22 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:42,276 I'd make millions, millions. 23 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:44,745 Bonjour. Croissant. Millions. 24 00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,414 Definitely not. No. 25 00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:47,548 That's disrespectful. Here. 26 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:48,682 (Jess and Cece scream) 27 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,119 Happy Bird Day, Dr. Sam. 28 00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,587 Wow, you didn't have to do that. 29 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:55,022 Did you say, "Bird Day"? 30 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,690 You heard me. Well, you know, I figured 31 00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:58,692 Jess likes you, so I like you, too, man. 32 00:00:58,726 --> 00:00:59,927 Welcome to the family. 33 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,695 H-Hey, look at that. 34 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:04,132 It's a shirt with a whole lot of birds on it. 35 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,866 That's a bird shirt. Bird shirt. 36 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,568 What? Why? What-what's the...? 37 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,137 Ah, you know why. 38 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:10,904 Cool shirt, dude. 39 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,476 (chuckles) 40 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,211 We're bird bros now. 41 00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,213 And check it out, you can wear it to the party. 42 00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:21,649 You know, nothing says, "This dude is dope," 43 00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:23,951 like a motherflippin' finch, am I right? 44 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,052 (laughs) 45 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,053 SCHMIDT: Sam, I'm so sorry 46 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,122 I won't be able to attend your party. 47 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:29,223 I have wedding stuff. 48 00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:30,224 "Stuff"? 49 00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:31,559 Define "stuff." 50 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:32,560 Things. 51 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,162 Thank you. 52 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,097 I'm so excited to meet your friends, 53 00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:39,467 including Dr. Garfinkel... 54 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:40,734 (laughs) 55 00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:42,436 Sam, I love the way you laugh. 56 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:43,837 You never open your mouth. 57 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:44,938 You're always like... 58 00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,474 (mimics Sam's laugh) 59 00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:47,908 I don't sound like that. (laughs) 60 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,310 No, you do. You just did it. 61 00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:50,578 (phone chimes) 62 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,946 Hey, you got to add a flash card. 63 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,482 My friend Diane's coming. 64 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:56,417 She's in town for a podiatry conference. 65 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,985 She's a friend from med school. 66 00:01:58,018 --> 00:01:59,487 Oh, I've never heard you mention her. 67 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:00,821 You guys close? 68 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:02,490 Diane! Hi. 69 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,091 (both laugh) 70 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,926 They look... close. 71 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:08,095 Hi! It's so good to see you. 72 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,863 So good to see you. 73 00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:11,932 Way too close. 74 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,202 (both laughing) 75 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:18,172 * 76 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,710 Hey, Schmidt, how many robots are too many robots? 77 00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:23,677 Hi, Nick. 78 00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,379 Gavin. 79 00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:27,481 What are you doing here? 80 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,949 I thought you'd be at Sam's party. 81 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:29,950 What's he doing here? 82 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,185 Well, after the incident 83 00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:33,020 where my dad kissed... (heaving) 84 00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:34,955 If you're gonna barf, just barf. It's not healthy to hold it in. 85 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,958 ...where my dad kissed Jess, 86 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,793 there was an accidental pocket dial 87 00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,395 that actually went pretty well. 88 00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:42,396 He suggested 89 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:43,997 some wine tasting for the wedding, 90 00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:45,699 and I said, "Why not?" 91 00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,801 You're just gonna drink alone with your dad? 92 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,903 Join us, Nick, the Pinot from my vineyard 93 00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:51,138 is dynamite this year. 94 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,473 It's gonna taste fantastic 95 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,208 at my son's wedding in a factory. 96 00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:56,544 Gavin, it's actually a slaughterhouse, 97 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:59,079 and you would know that if you were around more. 98 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,481 (pounds table) Can I see you in my room 99 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:01,515 for a second, please? 100 00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:04,352 Look, I know you don't trust my dad, 101 00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:05,486 but I'm happy that he's here. 102 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,687 We're working through stuff. 103 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,055 Wait, Schmidt, I want you to have 104 00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,223 a relationship with your father. 105 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:10,524 I really do, but I've been 106 00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:13,994 down this road so many times. 107 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,364 He just shows up out of the boo, 108 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:17,531 and then all of a sudden expects... 109 00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:18,599 It's "blue," it's "blue." 110 00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,334 Well, thanks, Eye-stein. 111 00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:24,538 He shows you a great time, you get sucked in, 112 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,840 then he disappears and breaks your heart, 113 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,076 and I'm left to pick up the pieces. 114 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,445 My dad's taking me to... 115 00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:33,447 Miss Saigon tonight! 116 00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:35,549 And I'm not gonna get hurt. 117 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,251 My dad never showed up. 118 00:03:37,285 --> 00:03:38,185 He didn't? 119 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,887 It hurts so bad! 120 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,289 You want a milkshake, cowboy? 121 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,224 It's different now. 122 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,459 I've heard that before. 123 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,027 We're seeing Jersey Boys! 124 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,762 Wait, this is your dad we're talking about! 125 00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:50,230 And he's different now, Nick. 126 00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:52,866 (crying): He's the same! 127 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:53,967 I didn't have ice cream, 128 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,536 so I just really shook up some milk. 129 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:59,106 I'm older and I'm wiser, and I'm not gonna get sucked in. 130 00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:00,240 We're gonna taste some wine, 131 00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:01,709 and then I'm gonna send him on his way. 132 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,745 But, Nick, I'm plead-- I'm asking you... 133 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,548 just be nice to him. 134 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:10,250 All right, man. I will. 135 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:12,953 If it means that much to you, of course, I'll do it. 136 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:13,887 Thank you. 137 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,456 But if it goes poorly, 138 00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,124 I'm not putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. 139 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,158 Am I Humpty Dumpty? 140 00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:19,727 Yeah. I'm just not 141 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,429 doing it again. You won't have to. 142 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:24,131 Also, nowhere in that rhyme does it say he's an egg. 143 00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:25,999 He's most definitely an egg, Nick. 144 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:29,737 So, what kind of king uses all those resources 145 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,406 to put together one egg? 146 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,407 It's a parable. 147 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,775 Humpty Dumpty is the king. 148 00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:41,449 Who told you that? 149 00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,684 (laughing) 150 00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:45,252 I've never seen him laugh like that. 151 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,487 (both laughing) What do I do? 152 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,255 Think of it this way: you're a dog, 153 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,858 he's a fire hydrant, you pee on him, girl. 154 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,259 Yeah. There you go. 155 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,761 I'm gonna go lift a leg on him. 156 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,028 There you go! 157 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,097 Hey. Oh, hey. 158 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,032 So, Sam said he spilled on the bird shirt 159 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,501 and he had to take it off. 160 00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,202 He's putting on a brave face, 161 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:05,373 but, poor thing, I know he is just crushed. 162 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,306 Babe. What, babe? 163 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,608 He doesn't like the shirt. 164 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,776 No, babe. Yeah, babe. 165 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:09,943 No, babe. Yeah, babe. 166 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,945 No... babe. 167 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:12,946 Yeah... babe. 168 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,047 No, babe. Yeah, babe. 169 00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:15,516 No... babe. 170 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,050 Yeah... babe. 171 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,386 No. 172 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:19,553 Yeah. 173 00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:21,121 Babe. 174 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,456 Sam, do you remember in med school 175 00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,191 when we got drunk and sewed fins on that dead guy? 176 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,626 (both laugh) 177 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:26,694 We made a merman! 178 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:27,561 (laughs) 179 00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:29,397 Hey, Sam, remember the other night 180 00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:32,700 when you ate all that bad crab and, uh, you said, 181 00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:35,469 "Not tonight," and I said, "Yeah, tonight," 182 00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,571 and then you said, "No, not tonight," 183 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:40,340 and then the next night, when you were feeling better, 184 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:42,142 remember what we did? 185 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,578 We... we had sex? 186 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:45,679 Had sex! 187 00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:46,880 (Jess laughs) 188 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:48,549 The kind where you need a snack after. 189 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:49,617 Hey-o! 190 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:53,621 (clears throat) 191 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,459 Whoa. 192 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,730 So, Jess, 193 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,331 you're from Portland. Do you, do you miss it? 194 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,599 (coughing) Do you miss Portland? 195 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,067 I mean, I feel like you never really... 196 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,335 (Jess coughing) 197 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,870 You... are you okay? Oh, my God, are you choking? 198 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,238 Is that what this is? Oh, my God, stand up! 199 00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:12,239 Stand up, stand up! 200 00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:13,707 Get up, come here. 201 00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:14,942 Oh! 202 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,009 (coughs) 203 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,344 Here, sit down. 204 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,879 (coughing) 205 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,449 Thank you, Diane. 206 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,916 You saved me. 207 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,251 Any time. 208 00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,554 (sighs) 209 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,789 Um, hey, Diane, um, 210 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:33,126 would you like to go to the ladies' room and freshen up? 211 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,730 Yes, Jess, I would love to. 212 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,701 I am so sorry. 213 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,036 I'm really... I'm-I'm embarrassed. 214 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,538 Please, for what? No, I am. 215 00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:45,873 For marking your territory? Look, I get it. 216 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,542 But I was acting childish and dumb and jealous, 217 00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:49,643 and-and I... 218 00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:51,479 I see why Sam likes you. 219 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,380 Well, I see why he likes you, too. 220 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,782 Will you forgive me? 221 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,917 I have guy friends, and I don't know why 222 00:06:56,950 --> 00:07:00,387 I would just assume that you're wildly in love with him. 223 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,722 Oh, no, I am. 224 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,791 (laughs) 225 00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:04,992 No, really, I am. 226 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,227 (laughs) 227 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,228 Seriously, I am. 228 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,263 (laughs) 229 00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:12,432 Jess, I'm-I'm in love with Sam. 230 00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:15,035 (whispers): Oh, balls. 231 00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:20,674 Now this varietal gained prominence 232 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,910 in the '30s as an Italian driving wine. 233 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,978 Now they call it a picnic wine, 234 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,914 but we know what they're up to. 235 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,015 But as they say, 236 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,650 "Wine is fine, 237 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,451 but bourbon is schwervin'." 238 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,188 I think I got a buzz. 239 00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:35,989 Yeah, me too. 240 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:37,825 Hang on. 241 00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:39,860 Uh, you're gonna like this. 242 00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:47,000 How much hooch do you have stored in this place, 243 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,468 you mountain person? 244 00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:49,770 Prohibition happened once. 245 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:50,871 NICK and GAVIN: It can happen again. 246 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:51,905 Yeah. 247 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,108 It was pretty easy to see where you were going with that. 248 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,610 Look at the two of you. 249 00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:59,446 Bonding over the thing that numbs you. 250 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,281 (Nick and Gavin laugh) 251 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,517 Smell this. Smell this. 252 00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,553 Oh! Let me get a whiff. Let me get a whiff. 253 00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:06,620 Oh! 254 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:07,655 Hurts so good. 255 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:11,491 Sam. 256 00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:12,626 Guess who 257 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:13,994 the luckiest boy in the world is? 258 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,095 It's you. 259 00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:18,298 It's an extra bird shirt, huh? 260 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,900 I keep an extra one in my car, 261 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:22,002 just in case I get interviewed on television. 262 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,737 Oh. Thank you. 263 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,845 Put on the bird shirt, Sam. 264 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,146 I will. 265 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,314 When? 266 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,249 When I don't have to 267 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:40,087 take my other shirt off in a bar full of people. 268 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,678 Ten years?! Yeah. 269 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:05,946 You didn't tell him for ten years? 270 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:06,947 I did. 271 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,181 Well, I tried to. 272 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,183 Um, our second year of med school, 273 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,052 he went to work with Doctors Without Borders. 274 00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:14,021 Well, so I didn't, I didn't know when I was gonna 275 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,689 see him again, and, um, 276 00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,758 one night, I-I just sat down and wrote him a letter. 277 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,192 (gasps) And everything came out, you know, 278 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,928 everything that I was feeling, everything that 279 00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:22,129 I had been holding back. 280 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,031 Yeah. I love letters. 281 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:24,865 I know, me too. 282 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,266 We have so much in common. 283 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,035 Arguably too much. 284 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,402 Mm. But keep going. 285 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:32,706 Well... Sam never responded. 286 00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,775 (scoffs) 287 00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:37,077 I just figured he didn't want to embarrass me, you know? 288 00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,747 I mean, i-it's hard when you're friends with a guy first. 289 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:40,881 So... 290 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,415 he came home, and we just 291 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,952 kept on like normal, and it was really painful, 292 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,154 but I-I couldn't lose him as a friend. 293 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,589 Of course you couldn't. 294 00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:53,894 Then... last week, this came in the mail. 295 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:54,762 (gasps) 296 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:57,631 "Return to sender." 297 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:00,768 He never got it. 298 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,903 Oh, my God. Yeah. 299 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,772 He never knew how you felt. 300 00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:09,176 No, and I-I came here tonight to give him this letter and then... 301 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,011 What happened? 302 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,579 ...I met you. 303 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,747 Oh, right. 304 00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:14,915 Me. Mm. 305 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,684 Here. 306 00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:19,452 I can't throw it away, but I can't give it to him. 307 00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:23,256 Don't worry, Jess, you... you didn't do anything wrong. 308 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,759 I'm not the one for Sam. 309 00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:27,094 You are. 310 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,629 I'm gonna be really honest. 311 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:33,834 Um, I'm having a-a very hard time 312 00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:36,203 rooting for myself right now. 313 00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:42,976 JESS: Ugh! Ugh! (laughing) 314 00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:46,714 That was the most romantic story I've ever heard. 315 00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,215 And I don't want to get between them. 316 00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:49,449 Or do I? 317 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:50,684 I love Sam, 318 00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:52,219 and I don't want to throw it all away 319 00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:56,523 because she couldn't figure out how to buy a Forever stamp. 320 00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,792 Just because you give Sam this letter, it does not mean 321 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:00,961 that he's automatically gonna choose Diane. 322 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,629 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 323 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:06,199 (scoffs) Damn it. 324 00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,400 Look at them. 325 00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:12,672 * Moon river 326 00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:15,208 * Wider than a mile 327 00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:17,745 * I'm crossing you in style... 328 00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:20,147 This song isn't even on our jukebox. 329 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,648 You know what, that's it. 330 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:25,318 I'm-I'm not losing Sam because I'm some dumb romantic. 331 00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,921 Cece, get rid of this letter. 332 00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:28,989 Lett'r done. 333 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,390 Good-bye, Diane. 334 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,994 Go back to fixing feet, you sweet saint of a woman. 335 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,162 You must be so proud of me. 336 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,265 I'm finally being practical and realistic, 337 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,700 and not some moony-eyed freak 338 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,435 who's seen too many romantic comedies. 339 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:43,737 I'm basically being you. 340 00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:45,672 Not anymore, pal. 341 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,508 Schmidt's made me weak in my stupid knees. 342 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:49,943 I don't know. 343 00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:52,512 This past year with Schmidt's changed me. 344 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,182 It's made me believe in love stories. 345 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,417 Is that why you were crying during the bank commercial 346 00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,186 where the two old people were texting each other? 347 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,687 Jessica... I know. 348 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,923 They now have the money that they need... 349 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:05,258 No, I know. ...to be buried together. 350 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,127 (laughs) 351 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,296 We both know that you're not gonna be able 352 00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:12,032 to live with yourself if you don't give this letter to Sam. 353 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,901 Yeah. 354 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,237 What if I lose him? 355 00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,372 Well, then you'll at least know, babe. 356 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,941 It's not your love story. 357 00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,111 Oh. 358 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,213 I have something to tell you. 359 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,281 The old man in the bank commercial, 360 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:31,785 um, played a Nazi in Schindler's List. 361 00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,486 Does that change anything? 362 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,158 SCHMIDT: I made a model of our wedding venue. 363 00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,392 NICK: Wow. 364 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:42,162 Your wine is so good, I really want to showcase it 365 00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:43,897 and-and put the bar here. 366 00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,666 It's where they store the drums of wild chemicals, 367 00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:48,568 but I'm pretty sure they're empty now. 368 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,737 Yeah, it's empty except for the big puddle that never dries. 369 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:51,738 GAVIN: Oh, it'll be fine. 370 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,906 With your mother there, 371 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,741 that puddle will get drunk. 372 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,409 How about we grab some dinner? 373 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,745 (chuckles) Together? 374 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,613 You... 375 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,282 Yeah, no, I'd like that very much. 376 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:03,583 I'm gonna run home. 377 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,452 Obviously, I can't wear these shoes to dinner. 378 00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:06,753 Ha, can you imagine? 379 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,456 I'll see you. 380 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,927 I'm going to dinner with my dad. 381 00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:14,794 (door closes) 382 00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:15,863 This is so great, man. 383 00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:16,930 Yeah, it's great. 384 00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:18,431 You guys are finally getting along. 385 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,799 You were like, "We've been down this road." 386 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:21,801 It's great. I just want to check in. 387 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,203 Y-You said you weren't gonna get sucked in, 388 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,938 and it seems like you're getting sucked in. 389 00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,006 Sucked in? I'm not getting sucked in. 390 00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:27,107 If anybody's getting sucked, 391 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,675 it's just me sucking myself in. 392 00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,344 No, I know how that sounded. Yeah. 393 00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:32,545 But you, I mean you... You good? 394 00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:33,881 Yeah. Yeah. 395 00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:37,350 (door closes) 396 00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:39,186 Hey, uh, Gavin, hold up. 397 00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:43,290 Um... I feel like I can say this to you because, well, 398 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,225 you know, we shared a cup. 399 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,460 You really live by a specific code. 400 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,795 Look, we both know 401 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,563 how this is gonna go down, Gavin. 402 00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:52,465 You're gonna get Schmidt's expectations up, 403 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,167 and then you're gonna bail. 404 00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,238 I know. 405 00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,940 Just be better. 406 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,876 Be his dad. 407 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:05,678 Just be there for him, even when it's not fun, 408 00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,981 and sometimes it's really not fun. 409 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,582 I know. 410 00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:12,920 I've been doing it for 15 years. 411 00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:14,888 Thank you. Don't thank me. 412 00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:17,190 Just promise me if you show up for dinner tonight, 413 00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:20,493 you'll show up tomorrow and the day after and the week after, 414 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,595 and basically forever. 415 00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:25,398 I will be there. 416 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:26,866 Will you, Gavin? 417 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,902 Will you? 418 00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,103 Will you, Gavin? 419 00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:32,205 I will. 420 00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:33,606 Will you? 421 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,077 Will you, Gavin? 422 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,778 You're really dragging this out. 423 00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,680 No, I've already gone through everything I had rehearsed. 424 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,715 I really thought the elevator would be here by now. 425 00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:44,451 We could talk about other stuff. 426 00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,387 Can we, Gavin? 427 00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:48,421 Can we? 428 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,057 Yeah. 429 00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,758 (elevator bell dings) Can we, Gavin? Oh, thank God. 430 00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,298 I'm getting my birthday present at an airport hotel? 431 00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:01,534 Oh, my God, are you taking me 432 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,937 on a trip to meet my birth mother? Oh. 433 00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:05,072 No, wait. (laughs) 434 00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,573 Um, no. 435 00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:09,376 Uh, it's, uh... I have a surprise for you, 436 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,478 but it's not exactly a present. 437 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:13,213 Um, just wait here. 438 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,547 Okay. 439 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:17,317 Look, I want you to know that no matter what happens, 440 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,486 no-no matter how this turns out-- 441 00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:23,056 and by "this," you'll-you'll see what I'm talking about-- 442 00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:26,393 I want you to be happy. 443 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:29,796 And I want you to be happy. 444 00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:32,966 But what did you want me to be before this moment? 445 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,035 Don't let me get a ticket, okay? 446 00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:41,975 Jess? 447 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,111 Tell Sam. 448 00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:48,848 He-he deserves to know how you feel. 449 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:55,322 Wow, you are either really cool or really cocky. 450 00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:58,591 You are either really cool or really cocky. 451 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,027 Thank you. 452 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:15,842 I should've been more clear. He's downstairs. 453 00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:22,449 I just want to let you know, my shift is up, so Jason will 454 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,717 be getting bummed out by you for the rest of the night. 455 00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:31,024 Somebody order a milkshake, cowboy? 456 00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:34,627 Well, Nick, you were right. 457 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,529 I got sucked in. 458 00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,298 He was a car wash vacuum, 459 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,633 and I was just a stray pistachio. 460 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,935 Listen, Schmidt, it's my fault. 461 00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:46,206 I got real with him and he split. 462 00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:48,708 It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. 463 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:49,909 And, Nick? 464 00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:50,743 Yeah? 465 00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,681 Thank you. 466 00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:55,915 Thanks for what? 467 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,684 For being there. 468 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,422 What are you doing right now? 469 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,059 (groans loudly) 470 00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,427 Yeah, man. I like red meat. 471 00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:08,761 Yeah, yeah, no, beef. 472 00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,197 Sexy ladies. Boobs. 473 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,498 Moobs. B-Boobs. 474 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,066 Big boobs. Yeah. 475 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,501 Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here. 476 00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,035 Oh, don't, don't, don't! 477 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,505 Wait! Wait, guys, wait. 478 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,407 I know I should have been here an hour ago, 479 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:21,674 but I was at the warehouse 480 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,543 getting your security deposit back. 481 00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:24,511 Why would you... 482 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:25,745 Let me finish, trust me. 483 00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:27,714 That slumlord wouldn't give it to me 484 00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:31,351 unless I cleaned the place, and once I started... 485 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,420 I don't know if you know, but I'm a little OCD. 486 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:35,122 Me, too. Yeah, it runs in the family. 487 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,557 Your grandfather had to touch every lamppost he passed. 488 00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:38,525 He couldn't hold a job. 489 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:39,692 Until he got a job 490 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:40,893 as a lamppost repair man. 491 00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:41,928 Why wouldn't you just call? 492 00:17:41,961 --> 00:17:43,730 Oh, I got kicked in the back of the head 493 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,698 by some kids who were using that dump as a place 494 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,066 to practice their urban dancing. 495 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,935 They-they were honestly pretty good, 496 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:51,771 until they beat me and took my phone. 497 00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:54,207 And my wallet and my watch. 498 00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,543 I had to run over here-- well, actually 499 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,646 it was... it was more of a... a walk-jog. 500 00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:00,780 I threw up once. 501 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,653 I'm not very good at doing the right thing 502 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,521 when it comes to you. 503 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,260 But I wanted to start tonight. 504 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:16,496 You are not getting married 505 00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,097 at that slaughterhouse. 506 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:20,900 Okay, well, then where am I getting married? 507 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:21,968 At my vineyard. 508 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,105 If you want. 509 00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:28,575 It'll be beautiful. 510 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:29,909 I talked to Cece. 511 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,278 She said it's up to you. 512 00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,613 I just want you to know, either way, 513 00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:36,783 I'm all in from here on out. 514 00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:46,626 We're getting married at a vineyard. 515 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:49,596 Yes! Yes. 516 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,497 Getting married at a vineyard. 517 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:51,431 GAVIN: Yes. 518 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,500 Yes, yes. 519 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,969 So, you just left him there to talk? 520 00:18:57,003 --> 00:19:00,307 Yep, I abandoned my own car, 521 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:04,143 and now, for all I know, Sam and Diane are tearing apart 522 00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,313 a business-friendly hotel room together. 523 00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:07,714 Well, I'm really proud of you. 524 00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,682 I know that it was hard, but it's the only way 525 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,384 you're gonna find out what you need to know. 526 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,187 Thanks. 527 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,855 This might sound like a cry for help, 528 00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,624 but I promise you it's not. 529 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,892 Um, I'm gonna go to my room and I'm gonna watch videos 530 00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:22,395 of dogs waiting for their dead owners to come back. 531 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:23,763 Mm-hmm. 532 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:27,166 Cece, you want to know what I think? 533 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,635 Mm, not really. 534 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,470 I think there are people who get bird shirts, 535 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,805 and there are people who don't. 536 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:36,376 Jessica Day needs to be with a bird shirt person. 537 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:39,178 Am I a bird shirt person? 538 00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:42,682 Oh, Cece, why do you always have to make things about you? 539 00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:44,717 (knocking at door) 540 00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:50,590 Sam, hello. 541 00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:54,594 (kisses) 542 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,596 I forgive you. 543 00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:58,931 Okay. Okay. 544 00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:00,132 Is Jess here? 545 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,702 She is. 546 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:11,711 (dog whining over laptop) 547 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:14,781 Hey. 548 00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:16,383 Hey. (chuckles) Hey. 549 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,786 I'm just, uh... 550 00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:21,454 Yeah, I'm really nervous, 551 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:23,723 so I'm just gonna ask you an innocuous question. 552 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:26,459 Um... did you bring my car back? 553 00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:29,362 Yes, I have got your keys right here. 554 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:30,763 Thanks. 555 00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:36,303 Look, what you did for me today was... 556 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:40,307 the most selfless thing anyone has ever done for me. 557 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,478 Whatever... 558 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:49,949 if there was ever a time for me and Diane, it's passed. 559 00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:52,585 And when I read the letter, it just reminded me 560 00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:55,488 how much that's true. 561 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,663 (chuckles) 562 00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:06,265 Now that I know you like letters, watch out. 563 00:21:06,299 --> 00:21:09,135 I have to say, that was the strangest birthday surprise 564 00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:10,737 I have ever been given. 565 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,905 Well, Winston took my bird shirt idea, so... 566 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,307 (laughs) 567 00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:15,775 You know what, one of these days, 568 00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:17,243 I'm gonna get you to laugh with your mouth open. 569 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,811 I know you will. That's what she said. 570 00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:20,246 No, that's not gonna do it. 571 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:21,180 That's what she said. 572 00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:22,415 You just said the same thing. 573 00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:24,116 (Italian accent): Now that's what she said. 574 00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:25,151 That's... What accent is that? 575 00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:26,486 It's Italian. Oh, really? 576 00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:28,755 That's what she said! Nope, that didn't 577 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:29,689 do it, either. That's what she said. 578 00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:31,257 Now you're just changing the stress. 579 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,659 That's what she said? 580 00:21:32,692 --> 00:21:34,761 Maybe you should stop. (laughs) 581 00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:37,029 JESS: That's what she said. Ooh. SAM: Ooh. That was closer. 582 00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:41,033 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH