1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,305 Just make up an excuse 2 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:05,673 and get out of jury duty, Jess. 3 00:00:05,706 --> 00:00:07,075 Please, I need you. No, Nick. 4 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,909 It's a right and a privilege. 5 00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,911 In South Africa, they don't even have juries. 6 00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,546 They have a-a judge and two assessors. 7 00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:14,248 God, I would have bullied you as a kid. 8 00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:16,317 Jury duty is supposed to be a sacrifice. 9 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,918 Would I like to be at work right now, 10 00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,920 participating in the Spirit Week assembly? 11 00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,755 Yeah, I would. 12 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,757 I've turned in some memorable performances in the past. 13 00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,932 But it's just one day-- you'll be fine without me. 14 00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:33,901 Now that Cece and Schmidt are engaged, 15 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:37,738 she's here all the time, and her stuff is everywhere. 16 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:39,407 Okay, yes, she's a hot slob. 17 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,575 Ever since she got boobs, people stopped making her do stuff. 18 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,844 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that is not an excuse. 19 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,946 When I first grew boobs, people started handing me stuff, 20 00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:48,216 and I got messy, but then you got to grow up. 21 00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:50,218 Not the same thing. They're just boobs. 22 00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:52,220 I promise you, tonight when I get back from jury duty, 23 00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:55,223 I will explain it to her in a way that she'll listen to, 24 00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:57,625 unlike your way, where she'll rip your dingle off 25 00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:59,860 and sew it back on your head like a unicorn horn. 26 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,028 She doesn't even live here. 27 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,230 She never signed our loft agreement. 28 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,132 She doesn't even know all the rules. 29 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:06,134 (laughing): Hi. Look at you in red. 30 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,701 You look so cute. 31 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,870 (chuckling): Thank you. 32 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,039 CECE: Love this top. 33 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,108 Jess, Nick needs to stop telling that wet pants story, okay? 34 00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:16,810 I know. I've heard it four times this week. 35 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,079 So I take a hot glass out of the dishwasher, 36 00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:21,482 I pour cold water into it, 37 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:22,916 then the customer picks up the glass, 38 00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,318 and the bottom falls off. 39 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:25,653 Oh, that's crazy. For real? 40 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,054 NICK: He looks down, and he goes like this: 41 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,722 (Italian accent): "Oh, my pants are wet." 42 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:30,624 (laughing) 43 00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:33,561 I know, he-he needs to shape that story. 44 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:34,962 I don't know how you live with him. 45 00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,564 He is the most obnoxious... 46 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:37,831 WINSTON: Knock it off. (indistinct arguing) 47 00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:38,999 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 48 00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:40,401 Stop. Stop it. Knock it off. 49 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:41,402 Jess, are you cool with me hanging 50 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,237 this groundbreaking poster 51 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,738 of dogs playing poker on the wall? 52 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,574 Jess, please tell him that he cannot hang 53 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,476 this horrible painting. I really have to go. 54 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:49,943 I think it's hilarious-- they're playing poker. 55 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,312 Rather see a painting 56 00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:52,813 of Arnold Schwarzenegger, mid-coitus. 57 00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:53,814 (grunts) 58 00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,349 Just straight up doing it. 59 00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:56,817 Let's talk about the painting tonight. 60 00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:57,985 Uh, do nothing till I get home. 61 00:01:58,018 --> 00:01:59,153 Do nothing till I get home. 62 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,154 Do nothing till I get home. 63 00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:01,489 SCHMIDT: Bye-bye. 64 00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:02,990 Bye. Okay. Yeah. 65 00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:04,358 NICK: That's my guy. 66 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:05,526 Is it me, or is Cece really... 67 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:06,527 BOTH: Messy. 68 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:07,528 Yes. 69 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,962 (scoffs) Dude. 70 00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:10,331 I love it when we say things at... 71 00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:12,366 Same time. the same time. 72 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,801 Just... just... we're right there s... 73 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,636 R-Right there s... 74 00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,037 Wait. When we say things at the... 75 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,872 same... time. Same... time. 76 00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,308 Okay, now you're getting in your head again. 77 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:21,642 Okay, so... Just relax. 78 00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,544 Remember the thing about Cece being really... 79 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:25,145 BOTH: Messy. 80 00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:26,980 And we say things at the same... The same... 81 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,382 See, you're getting in your head because you're going quieter. 82 00:02:28,416 --> 00:02:29,983 Just go with your gut. (groans) 83 00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:32,320 Isn't Cece really... messy? This is fun. Messy. 84 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:33,721 'Cause we say things at the same... time. Time. 85 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,689 I'm done with you. I had it. 86 00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:37,491 * 87 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,929 * 88 00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,867 Trying to get out of jury duty? Excuse me? 89 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,402 The way you're dressed, 90 00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:49,870 like you're in a school play about old people. 91 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,004 You want the judge to think you're crazy. 92 00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:53,140 These are my real clothes, 93 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,543 and I would never try to get out of jury duty. 94 00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:58,178 It's not just a right; it's also a privilege. 95 00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,581 And who are you to talk about clothes? 96 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,883 You're just wearing a blue suit. 97 00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:04,218 Oh, call Milan. 98 00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:06,387 Notice I'm not calling Milan. 99 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,222 Wow. 100 00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:09,657 I'm sorry. 101 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,058 I actually agree with you. 102 00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,426 Can we start over? 103 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,994 Can I buy your coffee for you? 104 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,564 Herbal tea, and make it a big one. You got it. 105 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:17,931 (cell phone rings) Oh, excuse me. 106 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:20,000 Yeah. 107 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,835 Oh, hey, Nick. 108 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,238 I just met the other only person in America 109 00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:27,174 who cares about jury duty, and he's a gosh-damn dreamboat. 110 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,576 Jess, we have an emergency. 111 00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:30,210 Cece's washing her clothes, 112 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,912 and I can't even get down the hall. 113 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,781 She's built a laundry dam. 114 00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,916 Well, can't you just step over it? No time. 115 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,785 You know I need to go straight from the bathroom 116 00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,420 to the kitchen. It's a blood sugar thing. 117 00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,622 WINSTON: Hey, Jess, it's your roommate Winston Bishop. 118 00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:45,058 Isn't it amazing how a frame can elevate already great art? 119 00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,127 Winston, don't hang that picture till I get home. 120 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,896 And I would talk to Schmidt about it, 121 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,464 but it's like he can't even see the mess. 122 00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:52,300 It's like he's love-blind or something. 123 00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,302 Oh, man, I've never been this happy in my entire life. 124 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,736 I got to tell you, you guys, 125 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,738 Cece and I just had shower sex. 126 00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:59,373 Don't. 127 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:00,774 Did he just kiss you? 128 00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,410 Why does he act like the Pope when he's happy? 129 00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:03,877 I guess I'll just talk to Cece myself, 130 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,546 and I'll tell her she's a disgusting beast, 131 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,048 and she'll have to listen to me 'cause I'm the man of the house. 132 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,883 What?! No, no, no! 133 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,719 Do not talk to Cece. 134 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:14,955 Also... everything you just said was offensive. Everything. 135 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,957 Do not talk to Cece. 136 00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:19,427 Ignore every natural instinct you have. 137 00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,829 What's up, dude? 138 00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:24,231 Hey, you mind if I steal Jess for a second? 139 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,232 Be careful. The screen's cracked. 140 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,667 You might cut your face off. Yeah. 141 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,902 NICK: Hey, Jess, I'm gonna give you to... to Winston. 142 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,304 Uh... 143 00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:32,306 I just have to step over the... 144 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,742 I'm not sure how I'm gonna get over the... Here. 145 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:35,776 Just... 146 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,581 Uh, just... here, come on, come on. 147 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:41,982 (grunts triumphantly) 148 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:44,251 Tell her I got over. Tell her I'm okay. 149 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,853 Nick says he's fine. 150 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,688 Hey, uh, Jess? 151 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:50,524 If one were to put a hammer through a wall, 152 00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:52,426 what would one do? 153 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:53,427 I actually have to get going. 154 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:55,028 Hello? Je... Uh, I got to go. Bye. 155 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:56,296 It was really nice to meet you. 156 00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:57,665 Oh, nice meeting you, too. 157 00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,132 Um, I'm Jess. 158 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,267 And you are? 159 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,268 It's on the cup. 160 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,270 Oh. (laughs) 161 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,838 "Daniel." (chuckles) 162 00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,674 And your phone number. That's a cool move. 163 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,809 Yeah, it was a cool move, huh? 164 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:11,645 * 165 00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,814 You disgusting beast. 166 00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,150 SCHMIDT: Hey, Nick. 167 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,886 Did you leave your cereal out? 168 00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:20,554 You need to clean up after yourself. 169 00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:23,491 Shared living space, bro. 170 00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:24,692 I can't do it. 171 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,326 Schmidt, I can't do it. 172 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,761 You can clean up the cereal. Just go put it away. 173 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:31,832 There's no cereal here; it's in the kitchen. Go clean it up. 174 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:34,368 Open your eyes, open your eyes to what's happening. 175 00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:37,070 You already sleep in a mud dungeon. Please... 176 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:38,506 Cece's a hot slob. 177 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,541 Cece, you're a hot slob. 178 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:42,876 What? I'm sorry, what? 179 00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:45,045 Look around, her stuff is everywhere. 180 00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,480 It's disgusting. 181 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,416 Hey, Cece, you know what's fly? 182 00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,418 Love that hat. Cleaning's fly. 183 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:52,553 Cleaning's cool, dude. 184 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,988 Hey, everybody, I'm Cece Parekh. 185 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,825 I got a bunch of hats, but I never wear them, 186 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,828 'cause I'm so busy throwing them around, being fly. 187 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,229 Clean up after...! 188 00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:03,664 Let's get her, Winston. 189 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,065 Am I right? Uh, you know... 190 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:06,500 I think we should just remember 191 00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:09,336 that we all make... mistakes, um... 192 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,738 Don't get soft on me right now. 193 00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:12,005 So keep-keep that in mind 194 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,441 as we go forward with our day. 195 00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:14,875 I'm hard to live with? NICK: Yeah. 196 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,276 Because I got news for you-- 197 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:19,279 you are so much harder to live with. 198 00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:22,115 Hey, uh, guys, I-I feel like we're headed 199 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:23,551 down a really unproductive path. 200 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,185 I made tabbouleh. Who wants some? 201 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,854 Yes. Love some. 202 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:30,123 You tell the same story over and over. 203 00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:32,292 "I've got wet pants." We get it. 204 00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:33,461 Bottom of the glass fell clean off. 205 00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,095 It was a science miracle. 206 00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:37,064 No, the glass was hot, and the ice made the glass contract, 207 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,533 and that is why it broke; not funny the first six times, 208 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,301 and not funny now, 'cause, guess what, Nick Miller-- 209 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,071 not always funny. No... 210 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,539 Whoa. 211 00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,608 He's... so funny. You're so funny, man. 212 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,643 I'm... You don't have to hold me back. There's not a problem. 213 00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:50,944 (chuckles) Say what you got to say. 214 00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,646 You want to say anything else, say it. 215 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,214 Not always funny. Say it to my face. 216 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,949 Not always funny. Say it again. 217 00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,151 Not always funny. (whispering): Say it again. 218 00:06:58,185 --> 00:06:59,453 Not always funny. Say it again. 219 00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:00,554 Not always funny. Say it again. 220 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,055 Not always funny. Say it again. 221 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,924 Not always funny. SCHMIDT: So why don't we just sit down and... 222 00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:05,726 and talk this out like adults? 223 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,928 I would love to, Schmidty, but where will we sit? 224 00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:09,997 Okay. Oh, perhaps we'll sit 225 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,466 on this pile of uneaten carrots. 226 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:14,101 It's like I'm living with Secretariat, 227 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,168 the horse! 228 00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:17,304 (laughs) He's hilarious. 229 00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:20,007 On the plus side, I'm being very witty during this fight! You know what, Nick? 230 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,975 WOMAN: Number 24. 231 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:23,677 Number 16. 232 00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:25,445 Yes! Sorry. 233 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:26,914 I never win anything. 234 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,349 (phone ringing) Sorry. Uh, uh... oh. 235 00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,084 Dr. Foster, is everything okay? 236 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,319 FOSTER: J.D.? 237 00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:33,286 It ain't. 238 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:34,655 I decided I was gonna be 239 00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,624 Marcus the Meerkat, because, you know, 240 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:39,527 you and I have remarkably similar body shapes. 241 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:40,961 Okay. 242 00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:42,195 Um, what's the problem? 243 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,297 I fell and shattered my hip. 244 00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,166 Oh, God! I'm so sorry. 245 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:47,601 How bad is it? 246 00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:50,437 The, uh, paramedic described my left leg 247 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,373 as a skin bag full of 248 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:54,942 hip shards? 249 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,877 A skin... a skin bag full of hip shards. 250 00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,812 You're gonna have to take over my duties. 251 00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,849 We are talking about the big job: 252 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,316 acting principal. 253 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,451 Yes! 254 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,854 I'd love to! 255 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:09,623 Oh... but my number just got called. 256 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,024 Well, that means 257 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,459 the district's gonna be 258 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,195 bringing in Becky Cavatappi. Ugh! 259 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:17,230 They've been pushing her for my job. 260 00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,532 She has fake zoomers. 261 00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:20,200 What kind of message does that send 262 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,002 to girls with growing zoomers? 263 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,304 I think she had her butt done, too. 264 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,873 Every time she runs, 265 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:28,041 that thing sounds like an Indian rain stick. 266 00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:29,810 I really want to be principal, so, um... 267 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,044 I'll be there. 268 00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:34,014 Uh, I'll just have to, um... 269 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,349 get out of jury duty. 270 00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:37,985 I'll talk to you soon! 271 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,286 (shrieks in pain) 272 00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:43,691 Sorry. It's a tense situation. 273 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,230 So who should I call next to tell my story? 274 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:53,033 I'm not cleaning till you get off the phone, Nicole. How about Patty's Pizza? 275 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,335 Smooth it out, smooth it out. 276 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,738 (cracking sounds) Oh, boy. 277 00:08:57,771 --> 00:08:59,072 You are angry. 278 00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:00,774 (phone ringing) 279 00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,244 Winston, I need your help... 280 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,679 (whispering): getting out of jury duty. 281 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,347 Jessica damn Day! 282 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,082 I know, I'm a terrible person. Put Nick on the phone. 283 00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:10,083 No can do, J. 284 00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:11,585 He and Cece are in it. 285 00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:12,853 (indistinct shouting) 286 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,287 What? I told him not to talk to her. 287 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,289 How bad is it? Is Nick standing really wide-legged? 288 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:17,357 Is Cece calling him 289 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,692 mean girl names? 290 00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,193 Don't call me Nicole! 291 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,795 Okay, Nick-hole! 292 00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,530 Yeah. That's happening. 293 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,765 Kids, huh? Yeah. 294 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:25,633 (grunts knowingly) 295 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,601 Is that Jess? Jess. 296 00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:28,902 It's awful. 297 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,237 I don't know what to do. I'm sure Cece 298 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,605 has her flaws, but I just can't see them. 299 00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:33,573 And even if I could, what would I do? 300 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,475 How does a man stand up to the sunset? 301 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,911 Cece and Nick are basically the same person. 302 00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,546 Both stubborn, hotheaded 303 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:40,781 and brutally honest. 304 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,482 Oh, dear Lord. 305 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:44,417 I'm marrying Nick. Duh. 306 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,086 Aw. I kind of love that. 307 00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:47,554 All right, what should we do? 308 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:48,789 Can't go to Cece's apartment. 309 00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,423 Nadia's baby is teething. 310 00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:52,125 Have you ever heard a Russian child scream? 311 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:53,961 All the time, in my Putin nightmare. 312 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,463 Look, get Cece to sign the loft agreement. 313 00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,298 Nick wrote it, so he'll like that. 314 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,433 They'll both play hardball till they get bored, 315 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,802 which will be immediately. 316 00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,570 That's good. 317 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,639 You've impressed me today. Oh, wait, wait. Is that Jess? 318 00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:07,607 Hey, hey. Give me the phone. All right. 319 00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:09,743 Hey, Jess, Nick-hole here... What? 320 00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:11,611 Stop calling me Nicole! I'm a boy! 321 00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,146 CECE: Nick is calling everyone he knows 322 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,614 to tell them this dumb story. 323 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:15,949 Hello, your friend is a pig person. 324 00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:16,950 Guys, stop. 325 00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:18,318 Hey, Chaz, I'm on the other line. 326 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,187 You're not gonna believe what happens to this glass. 327 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,089 It's an incredible story; you're gonna freak out. Please stop. 328 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,456 I'll talk to you soon. JESS: Put me on speaker. 329 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:24,758 Hold on. 330 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:25,793 Button's right there. 331 00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:27,294 I know which button it is. 332 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,332 Now, what I'm about to say 333 00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:33,701 might shock you, 334 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:35,669 but I need help getting out of jury duty. 335 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:37,637 Oh-ho-ho! Well, well, well... 336 00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:39,707 Look, I have the chance to be acting principal. 337 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:41,942 You don't know Becky Cavatappi, but she's a murderer. 338 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:42,876 What? 339 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,377 She-she's not a murderer, 340 00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:47,314 but I... I really don't like her. 341 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,382 You can't just be going around throwing "murderer" on people. 342 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,218 Guys, I need to go in right now. What do I do? 343 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,486 Whatever the trial's about, I say I don't believe in it. 344 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,155 Just tell them that your parents are Pakistani militants. 345 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,623 That's what I do; works every time. Yeah. 346 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,225 Why'd you have an accent when you said "Pakistani"? 347 00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,993 Because that's actually how you pronounce it. "Pakazani"? 348 00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:01,661 It's great seeing you guys work together. 349 00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:02,662 You said it stupid. 350 00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:03,997 I don't really want to lie. 351 00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,332 It's kind of not really my brand. 352 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,800 You'll never see any of these people again. 353 00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:09,002 There are no consequences. Okay. Uh, I gotta go. 354 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,138 Just remember you're a garbage person 355 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,806 and you hate America. 356 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,542 I'm a garbage person who hates America. 357 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,880 WOMAN: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, 358 00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:22,049 the whole truth 359 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,752 and nothing but the truth, so help me God? 360 00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:26,686 The whole truth and nothing but the truth, 361 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,056 so help me Gob. 362 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:32,459 Did... did you just say "Gob"? 363 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,231 Did you say "Gob"? 364 00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:39,266 What? Yeah, she said "Gob." 365 00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,334 Whose side are you on? 366 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,936 Justice. 367 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:43,971 * 368 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:51,178 DANIEL: This question is for potential juror number 16. 369 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,380 This case involves marriage. 370 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,816 I don't believe in marriage. 371 00:11:57,751 --> 00:12:00,187 Excuse me, you don't believe in marriage? 372 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,755 As a concept? 373 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:05,692 Well, you know, you gotta keep the freeway open. 374 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,727 Uh, 'cause... 375 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,596 sooner or later, you're gonna get tired 376 00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:12,866 of the same cars driving down it. 377 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,068 Capiche? 378 00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:16,870 Yes, capiche. 379 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,738 The two things that are ruining this country 380 00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,407 are marriage and democracy. 381 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,909 How refreshing. 382 00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,778 Another person who wants to get out of jury duty. 383 00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:27,247 I thought some people took this seriously, 384 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,415 but apparently not. 385 00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:30,150 Trial by jury 386 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:32,385 is a pillar of our democracy, 387 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,754 and yes, it is inconvenient. 388 00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:37,157 But sometimes, sacrifice 389 00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:38,992 and civic duty are. 390 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,929 You don't deserve the honor of serving your country. 391 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,163 Maybe you should live in South Africa, 392 00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:44,397 where they don't have juries. 393 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,732 I know, I know! 394 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,267 They have a judge and two assessors. 395 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:48,735 Look, I'm-I'm so sorry. 396 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,070 I didn't mean all that other stuff. 397 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,471 I'd be a great juror. 398 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,006 If you put me on this jury, 399 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,607 you will not regret it. 400 00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,013 That was an emotional moment, 401 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:04,251 and I feel it would be best punctuated with a... 402 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,086 crash of that thing. 403 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:06,887 Nah. 404 00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:09,422 * 405 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,158 The roommate loft agreement 406 00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,026 was formed in the year of our Lord 2005. 407 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:14,627 Hurricane Katrina 408 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:16,296 had just decimated the American South, 409 00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:19,366 but we here, in Loft 4D, 410 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:22,335 had gone through, well, perhaps in many ways 411 00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:24,037 a more horrifying Katrina. 412 00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:25,605 You can't say that. Can't say that. 413 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,608 A kitchen condom disposal clause? 414 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,844 That is not a relevant clause. 415 00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:32,479 Not relevant? I almost died. 416 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,615 Ugh. 417 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,350 Winston! Yeah? 418 00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:39,652 Stop having sex in the sink! 419 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,221 Okay. 420 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:43,290 First clause: "If a roommate has 421 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,158 "five or more grooming products in the bathroom, 422 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:46,826 "they must use a shower caddy 423 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,795 "or pay an additional ten dollars in rent, 424 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,164 adjusted every two years for inflation." 425 00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:54,667 I currently pay an additional $11.97 in rent. 426 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,636 Okay, yeah, well, I'm not using a shower caddy, 427 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:59,239 because I'm an adult woman and I don't live in a dorm. 428 00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:00,573 Have you been to a dorm recently? 429 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:01,841 It's like a spa. 430 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,643 Those horny texters live like kings. 431 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,512 Nick is really damaging this negotiation. 432 00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:06,914 Hey, speaking of damages, 433 00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:08,715 you know, what if we all pitched in 434 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,183 to fix loft damages? 435 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,719 I don't know, let's say... 436 00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,888 Nick broke something, like a wall. 437 00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:16,389 I'll fix it. I can fix anything. 438 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:17,857 Yeah, not according to 439 00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:19,692 the "Nick can't do electrical work" clause. 440 00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:21,594 No, no, don't touch him! He's electric, he's electric! 441 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,431 Hot! 442 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,835 Cece, you're the love of my life, 443 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,537 but I-I kindly ask that you don't read ahead. 444 00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:31,771 CECE: Okay, fine. 445 00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:33,506 I'll use a shower caddy, okay? 446 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,442 And now that I've agreed to my thing, 447 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:38,078 can we just agree that Nick can limit his stories? 448 00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:39,346 You trying to take away 449 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,580 my constitutional right to be hilarious? 450 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:41,915 Fine. I won't use a shower caddy. 451 00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:45,252 Use the caddy, I'll be less chatty. 452 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:47,921 It's hilarious. 453 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,589 It's undeniably hilarious that I just said that. 454 00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,524 Do you hear yourself? Great, we're in agreement. 455 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,726 Now just sign here, and we'll give you a key. 456 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,963 Give her a key? (scoffs) 457 00:14:55,996 --> 00:14:57,130 I'm a little confused. 458 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:58,598 Is that really necessary? 459 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,368 It's like giving a squirrel a key to the park. 460 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,270 The park is always open, and the squirrel 461 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,904 is there with rabbit, 462 00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,906 and squirrel and rabbit are there all the time. 463 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:09,977 So does squirrel need key? 464 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:11,911 What is happening? You're dropping all your articles. 465 00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:13,880 I not! Now you're losing verbs! 466 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,582 So, are the squirrel and the rabbit-- they're friends? 467 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:16,950 Hey, babe, do not get concerned. 468 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:18,585 He's probably just tired or hungry, 469 00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:20,087 or getting jealous that I'm spending 470 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,422 so much time with his best friend. 471 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:25,425 As a matter of fact, I am tired, and I am hungry, 472 00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:28,495 but the third thing is way off base. 473 00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,998 If you weren't a girl, Uh-huh? 474 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:33,166 I'd karate chop you in the mouth. You would get winded 475 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,003 just trying to ball your fist up, dough-boy. 476 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,604 Well, good thing you don't need a fist for a karate chop, 477 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,839 you stupid idiot. You are such a door knob. 478 00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:41,608 And if I wanted to karate chop you, you'd be dead! 479 00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:42,642 (laughs) Look at her flinch. 480 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:43,776 This is good. So scared. 481 00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:44,911 Shakey-shakey. 482 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,079 I literally have not moved. 483 00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:48,248 I'm so not worried about you. 484 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,683 (panting) 485 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,187 You want to go take a nap now? 486 00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:56,189 Stop! I can't listen to the two people 487 00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:58,291 I love most in this world fight like this. 488 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:00,827 Sorry, Winston. 489 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:02,295 Huh? What'd he say? 490 00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:05,332 (door slams) 491 00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:06,533 (thud) 492 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,205 Oh, no. 493 00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:18,511 Schmidt, what did you do? 494 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:20,880 So, you are all 495 00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:22,415 serving on this jury. 496 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,119 This is a capital case 497 00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:27,654 and will last upwards of a month, 498 00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:29,689 and due to media exposure, 499 00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:32,059 you will have to be sequestered. 500 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,694 So go home, pack a bag, 501 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:35,895 do not e-mail me. 502 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:37,964 The answer is yes. 503 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,867 Your hotel does have a pool, 504 00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:45,172 but is otherwise aggressively mediocre. 505 00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:48,575 There, I banged the thing. 506 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:49,909 Yep. 507 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,149 Okay. 508 00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:57,650 I need a stapler. 509 00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,386 You stay. 510 00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:02,255 Hey. 511 00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:03,656 Hey. 512 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,192 So here we are. 513 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,861 All right, Nick, I'll sign it. 514 00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:10,097 I don't want to hurt Schmidt, 515 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:11,698 and right now, he's probably just 516 00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,233 crying his eyes out at the... 517 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:14,534 BOTH: Denim bar. 518 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:17,003 (crying) 519 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,738 I really appreciate you keeping 520 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:21,274 the store open for me late, Maurice. 521 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,009 That denim bar is like his temple. 522 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,512 He legitimately wants us to get married there. 523 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,879 At a denim bar? Yeah. 524 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,681 Look, Schmidt and I are not gonna work 525 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,250 if you and I can't get along. 526 00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:31,384 Because... 527 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:33,420 you're Schmidt's family. 528 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:34,587 In a way, 529 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:35,955 it's like we're engaged. 530 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:37,023 You're not my type. 531 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,726 I like them crazier and... 532 00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:41,461 and sexually very prude. 533 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,296 Oh. You just don't fit the bill. 534 00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:45,232 Look, you don't have to sign this thing. 535 00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,300 It's stupid. 536 00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,768 The last page is just 537 00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:51,438 obscene drawings of cartoon princesses. 538 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,072 I saw them; you're very talented. 539 00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:54,607 Thanks. What they're doing is disgusting, 540 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,109 but I think the drawings are nice. 541 00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:57,777 Mm-hmm. Yeah. 542 00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,780 Look, if I'm being honest, 543 00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:04,151 yeah, I feel a little jealous. 544 00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:06,386 You know, Schmidt and I used to hang out 545 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,221 all the time, and now we don't, 546 00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:09,756 and it's weird. 547 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:12,559 I mean, to be honest, I think I was a little... 548 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,726 jealous, too. 549 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,595 Of me? In a way, 550 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:18,265 you're always gonna know him a little bit better than me. 551 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,502 Except physically. You'd be surprised. 552 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,606 Hey. 553 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:27,740 Schmidt, relax. 554 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,242 We're good. Yeah. 555 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:32,479 We talked, and everything's okay. Yeah. 556 00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:34,013 Thank gosh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 557 00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:35,648 Hey, easy, all right. Okay. Okay, there he is. 558 00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:36,849 Everybody's... 559 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,618 Whoa, mother, I'm right here. 560 00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:40,953 Hey. 561 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,089 Are you hugging them 562 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,123 while they're making out? 563 00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,492 Yes, uh, that is weird. 564 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,294 Thank you for saying that. Please let go of me. 565 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,028 I'm not interested in this. Let go of me. 566 00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:51,364 Did that wall fall down? 567 00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:52,799 Just please don't leave again. 568 00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:55,368 Yeah, about that. 569 00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,306 Well... this is it. 570 00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:00,507 Since you won't be able 571 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:01,641 to contact me for a month, 572 00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:02,709 I've left a complementary bowl 573 00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:05,044 of advice. For instance, um, 574 00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:07,614 "Nick, stop doing that." 575 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,049 (chuckles) Just applies to everything. 576 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,451 That's what's up. That's what's up. 577 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,652 E'r'day, e'r'day. 578 00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:13,953 Nick, stop doing that. 579 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,154 NICK: That's what's up. 580 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,824 (sighs) 581 00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:19,459 It's gonna be a long month. I'm gonna pace myself. 582 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:20,527 I'm gonna miss you. 583 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,295 (laughs) 584 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:23,796 Don't worry. 585 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,198 I'm gonna keep them in line for you. 586 00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:26,699 No, you can't hit them. 587 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,134 Even if it's for their benefit? 588 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,136 Yeah. Okay. 589 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,538 I got you a little something. 590 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,306 It's just to trade with. 591 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,974 There's currency in there. I don't know. 592 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,843 Oh, that's so sweet, Nick. 593 00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,912 Um, but you know I'm not going to prison, right? 594 00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,748 As long as you're free right here, you're never in prison. 595 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,216 I bought you this burner 596 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:44,217 from an unmarked storefront in Koreatown. 597 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,018 I believe it's small enough 598 00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:47,420 to conceal in the waistband of your underpants. 599 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:48,755 Oh, thank you, but... 600 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,089 It's four walls. They can't hold you, though. 601 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,691 Make friends with big ladies. 602 00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:52,725 Keep your head up. 603 00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,227 (chuckles) Okay. 604 00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,229 Make sure to put, uh, toilet tissue down on the toilet seat. 605 00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:57,697 Never sleep. Thanks. 606 00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,666 Make your toothbrush into a shiv. Everything's a weapon. 607 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:02,669 See, hate put you in there, but love gonna bust you out. 608 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,637 Don't be afraid to put two layers of toilet tissue down. 609 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:18,618 (laughter) SCHMIDT: Let's do it. 610 00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:20,753 Let's get into this and see what sage wisdom 611 00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:22,221 Jess has for us. 612 00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:23,290 "No biting." 613 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:24,291 That's a reminder for me. 614 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:25,292 Mm-hmm. Wow. 615 00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,360 Ew, "No more poop pranks"? 616 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:28,861 Oh, yeah, those get out of hand quickly. 617 00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:30,597 That was a disgusting February. 618 00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:33,566 "If the shish kebob falls before I come back, Nick wins. 619 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,602 If it falls after, Schmidt wins"? 620 00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:36,969 Hi-ya! Is that... Oh. 621 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,571 (laughter) 622 00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:40,540 Check it out, shish kebob. Check it out, yeah. 623 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:42,208 That's super gross. 624 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,711 "Schmidt's allowed to request that you do his back 625 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,613 with sunscreen once a week." 626 00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:48,715 Actually, can someone do that now? 627 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,049 It's nighttime. 628 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,418 "Boys' shorts should at most 629 00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:53,953 rise six inches above the knee." 630 00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,822 Yeah, but where does the knee begin? Right... here. 631 00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,957 You know, she never specifies where the knee should begin. 632 00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:59,158 That's your knee, okay? 633 00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:00,593 This is the knee? Yes. Yes. 634 00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,729 "Stop harassing Beck." Absolutely not. 635 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:03,930 He cut you off on the freeway. 636 00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:05,164 That's for you? Yeah. 637 00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,966 CECE: Yeah, makes sense. 638 00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:08,901 "Tell Schmidt not to sing 'Rent' in the shower. 639 00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:10,337 We're in a drought." 640 00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:14,106 * Five thousand, 2,500, 600 minutes * 641 00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:16,343 Okay. WINSTON: Those aren't the words. 642 00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:17,677 "Stop reading this 643 00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:19,979 within the first three hours of my absence." 644 00:21:20,012 --> 00:21:21,948 Whoa. Holy mackerel. 645 00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:23,350 How did she know? 646 00:21:24,384 --> 00:21:26,319 "Because I know everything." 647 00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:29,789 That's super scary, right? Is she still here? 648 00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:31,257 (laughs) I'm just messing with you. 649 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,425 It says "Smile more." 650 00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:33,626 Oh, that's nice. 651 00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:36,028 Oh, damn it! Oh, yes! Yes! 652 00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:39,031 (laughs) You're my slave for 17 days! 653 00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:41,033 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH