1
00:00:01,569 --> 00:00:03,304
Last spring,
I knelt, as I do now,

2
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:04,705
and altered
both of our lives forever.

3
00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:07,708
And ever since then,
I'm sure you've been wondering

4
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:09,977
when I was gonna make
this part official.

5
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,879
Nicholas Miller,

6
00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:14,348
will you do me the honor
of being my best man?

7
00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:18,052
(groans) Oh, hey.

8
00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:20,054
I'm glad you're up. I've got
something important to ask you.

9
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,089
I'm ready.

10
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,157
Would you...

11
00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:24,992
Hold on a second. I need coffee.

12
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:25,993
Here's one.

13
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,228
Aw.

14
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:29,263
Thanks.

15
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,400
Mmm.

16
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,703
Mmm.

17
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:41,409
This just all feels
so sudden that, uh...

18
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,611
I don't know what to say.
Just say yes.

19
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,246
Well, I want to say yes.

20
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,580
I really do.

21
00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:49,717
But I'm sorry.

22
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,119
I'm just not there.

23
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,787
I think that
you are there.

24
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,124
But I think it scares
the hell out of you.

25
00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:58,259
I wish that were the case.
I just...

26
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:02,263
In my heart, I don't know
if I'm your best man.

27
00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:05,899
Nick... I need you
to get there.

28
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:08,102
(sighs) Do you want to be
my maid of honor?

29
00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:11,572
Yes! Yes, yes,
yes, yes! (laughs)

30
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,641
Blindsided?! How the heck
you gonna feel blindsided?!

31
00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,576
We've been best friends
ever since college!

32
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:16,310
(snickers)

33
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:17,311
Are you snickering?

34
00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:19,780
Za-zam! (laughs)

35
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:20,648
(laughs)
Was it worth it?

36
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:21,949
Oh, it was worth it.

37
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:22,950
Would've paid double.

38
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,618
(laughs)

39
00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:26,887
All right, get up.

40
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,456
You stupid bastard.

41
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:30,391
Come here. Of course
I'll be your best man!

42
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:31,625
All right!

43
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:35,463
These rings
are the first

44
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:38,599
of a dozen accessories that are
gonna unify the bridal party.

45
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:41,169
As you can see from
my preliminary vision board,

46
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,671
our wedding will borrow
equally from the holy trinity

47
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:46,640
of Liz Taylor, Jackie O
and The Power Gays.

48
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:48,609
Oh, I'm scared.
You should be.

49
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:49,810
Guys, look at us.

50
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,011
A year ago,
we were spinning

51
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:53,147
around like cows
in the movie Twister.

52
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:54,148
Now look at us.

53
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:55,249
You guys are engaged.

54
00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:56,116
You're a minority owner

55
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,318
of the bar.

56
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:58,519
I'm the maid
of honor

57
00:01:58,552 --> 00:01:59,787
who's made of honor.

58
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:01,289
That joke works better on paper.

59
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:02,256
Yeah, probably.

60
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:03,157
And this guy...

61
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,259
...is the cop

62
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:06,860
who freaking
saved a freaking

63
00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:08,196
kid's life.

64
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,363
Help!

65
00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:10,631
I'm stuck!
Hey!

66
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:11,899
(grunting)

67
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:13,634
Help!

68
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,035
(shouts)

69
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,937
(panting)

70
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,106
Thanks, Officer.

71
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,140
Call an ambulance.

72
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:21,275
I feel fine.

73
00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:22,443
For me!

74
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:23,811
(chuckles)
You know, Channel 4

75
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,479
is calling me
the Carport Hero.

76
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:28,015
I just... I just
really hope it sticks.

77
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:29,450
It's not a big deal.

78
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,952
This is... our year.

79
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:35,789
The Chinese zodiac says
it's the Year of the Monkey.

80
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,326
I say it's the Year of...

81
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,628
* Us...

82
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:41,795
(grunts)

83
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,331
* It's the Year...

84
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:46,800
* Of Us...

85
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,303
* It's the Year

86
00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:50,871
* Of Us...

87
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,574
* Us...

88
00:02:57,545 --> 00:02:59,713
SCHMIDT: Thanks so much
for your help, Jess.

89
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,549
(chuckles)
Cece has zero idea

90
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:02,583
that you're flying her mother in

91
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:03,884
for the engagement party
tonight.

92
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,919
She is... she is
alarmingly in the dark.

93
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,588
Maybe it's a cultural thing.

94
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:10,424
You know, we saw the British
coming. India did not.

95
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,260
Are you nervous
to meet Cece's mom?
No.

96
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,528
Cece said her mom is
really excited that her

97
00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:18,532
sexy little bronco has finally
met a cowboy that can tame her.

98
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,401
Paraphrasing. And
I'm really excited

99
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,403
to meet the woman
that Cece came out of.

100
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:23,937
Not paraphrasing.

101
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,072
I like your confidence.

102
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:27,508
Meeting Big Mama P is huge.

103
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,777
Her approval means
everything to Cece.

104
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:30,944
Mom,

105
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:32,813
this is my new friend, Jess.

106
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:43,291
20-minute playdate.

107
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:45,025
(both squealing)

108
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,261
Secretly, she's a romantic,

109
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:49,463
'cause she used to be
a Bollywood dancer

110
00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,265
and Mr. P's parents

111
00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:52,600
forbid them from marrying.

112
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,602
Hot. Continue.

113
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,937
When they saw her perform,
they were so moved,

114
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,439
they gave their blessing.

115
00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:00,308
Dance can be so
powerful sometimes.

116
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,443
Ugh, don't I know it.
That's why I booked

117
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,945
L.A.'s premier
Bollywood dance troupe,

118
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,980
MaHotMoves Gandhi.

119
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,115
MaHotMoves Gandhi.

120
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:10,217
She's gonna love you. I gotcha.

121
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,085
Okay. I'm gonna go
check on the best man.

122
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:14,254
I'm sure he's handling
whatever task you gave him

123
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,623
just fine.

124
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:22,095
(both laugh)

125
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,064
He's so bad at everything!

126
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:27,267
Look, he's just one of those
rare heterosexual men

127
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,337
who does not have a knack
for wedding planning.

128
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,405
I'll never understand
men like that.

129
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:34,107
I can't pick up Cece's
mom from the airport!

130
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,643
It's too much pressure.

131
00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:38,145
You said I only had to do
the easy best man stuff.

132
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:40,581
You're picking someone up
from the airport in a car.

133
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,983
Not outer space in a canoe.
It is easy, Nick.

134
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,918
Then why don't you do it?
I can't pick her up.

135
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,520
Tonight is one of
the most important nights

136
00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:49,189
of my hair's life,
and I need a shampoo.

137
00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:51,124
Not a cut.
They'll try and cut it,

138
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:52,460
but I won't let them.

139
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:54,027
Getting a day-of cut
would be insane.

140
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:56,029
Unless, of course,
Julian's working.
(sighs)

141
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,131
Julian won't be
working though.

142
00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,600
You keep fireworks in your car?

143
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:00,801
What are you,
a little Chinese boy?

144
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,270
Hey, you guys!
Just saying hey!

145
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,439
* He's your carport hero, baby
* Carport hero, baby

146
00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:07,541
* He can take away
your pain *
* Stand by you forever

147
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,477
SCHMIDT/NICK:
* He can take

148
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:10,711
* Your breath away.

149
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:11,979
Stop treating me
like this, okay?

150
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:13,781
I'm no different
from anyone else.

151
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:14,982
(horn honks)
Officer Bishop,

152
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:18,085
it is an honor to live
in your building, sir.

153
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,622
(horn honks fanfare)

154
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,358
That's Glen, too, man.
Glen hates everybody.

155
00:05:24,392 --> 00:05:26,159
Glen flips off kids.
WINSTON:
Guys, look, quit it, okay?

156
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,161
Ever since I became
the Carport Hero,

157
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:30,163
you're treating me
like I'm special, and I'm not.

158
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:33,166
It's me. Winnie the Bish!
The Bish with the wish!

159
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,303
And my wish is to have fun!
Which is exactly why

160
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,506
I'm not gonna confiscate
the fireworks behind your back.

161
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,140
Yeah, you got me,
Officer Bishop.

162
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,842
You can have it.

163
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:45,312
I also want you to
have this Jesus wig.

164
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,814
You know, wigs aren't illegal.
I know.

165
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,181
But I think it would
look awesome on you.

166
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:49,216
So do I.
Put it on.

167
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,685
Fine.

168
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:54,588
Whoa. Whoa!
Whoa. Whoa!

169
00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:57,391
Beautiful!
Whoa, Winston, you
look so handsome.

170
00:05:57,425 --> 00:06:00,093
Oh, my God.
It looks even better
than I thought.

171
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,595
MAN (over P.A.):
Flight 262 from Mumbai,

172
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:04,598
your luggage is now arriving
at baggage claim 2.

173
00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,570
(upbeat Indian music playing)

174
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:13,941
(music ends)

175
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,576
Yes! Yes!

176
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,578
Take five. Hey.
Hey. Hey, hey.

177
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:19,413
So, I just got a
voice mail from my mom,

178
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:20,748
'cause she is
at the airport.

179
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:23,283
Did you... did you fly
her in for the party?

180
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,118
Yes.
Oh.

181
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:28,121
Yeah, I did. It was supposed
to be a surprise, but...

182
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:30,290
Are you so happy?
Oh, excuse me.
(phone rings)

183
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:32,626
Oh, it's just... um...
Hey, Nick.

184
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:33,927
NICK:
Hey, Jess.

185
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:35,863
Guess who did it. Me.

186
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,131
I got Cece's mom.
I was even on time.

187
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,600
Oh, she's there. Put her on.

188
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,401
Really?
You can speak with her? How?

189
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,570
What are you talking about?
No, Jess,

190
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,104
I-I need to talk
to you now.

191
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,773
Um, okay. I got to go.

192
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,775
Jess says hi!

193
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:50,077
Do you prefer the
windows down or the AC?

194
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:52,646
Wow, you look
just like Cece!

195
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,682
(speaking Hindi)

196
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,751
Yeah.

197
00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:00,120
It's amazing, yeah.
I own it myself.

198
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,822
MAN (over P.A.): White zone
is for the immediate loading

199
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,757
and unloading
of passengers only.

200
00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:05,058
(groaning)

201
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,427
What is going on?

202
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,329
Whatever it is,
it can't be that bad.

203
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:13,333
Jess, I haven't told my mom
that I'm getting married.

204
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,205
Okay.

205
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:22,510
Okay.

206
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:27,447
It's gonna be fine, 'cause...

207
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,249
I'm your maid of honor,

208
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,284
and I will be there
with you tonight

209
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,253
every step of the way.

210
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:36,023
* 'Cause this is
the Year of, of... *

211
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:36,924
Oh!

212
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,792
Oh, my God!

213
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,928
(screaming, grunting)
Oh, Jess! Oh! Oh!

214
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,095
(gasps)

215
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,965
(grunting continues)

216
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:45,999
I'm fine.

217
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,641
Don't worry about me.
The doctor said I'll be

218
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:54,708
good as new in no time.

219
00:07:54,742 --> 00:07:56,143
I know I don't
look like somebody

220
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,311
who should be questioning
somebody else's judgment, but...

221
00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:00,480
maybe you should have told your
mom you were getting married.

222
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:04,284
I know. I'm just so worried that
she is not gonna like Schmidt.

223
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,154
And then she won't
give us her blessing...

224
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,022
which would kill me.

225
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:10,958
Oh, she'll love him
when she meets him.

226
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,493
Schmidt is not exactly
what my mom had imagined for me.

227
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,996
You know, she wanted
someone maybe not so...

228
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,800
...white?

229
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,334
(laughs):
Oh, he is so white.

230
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:22,670
Remember when
the power went out,

231
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:25,172
and we put him in the window
to keep the planes away?

232
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,808
What is Schmidt gonna think
when he finds out?

233
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:31,545
We are gonna get her blessing,
or I'm not your maid of H.

234
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:32,713
Those stairs may have

235
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:33,981
broken my body,

236
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,149
but they did not
break my spirit.

237
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,719
And with that, I rise.

238
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:46,193
Honey, you're not... You just
need to... Yeah, relax. Okay.

239
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,427
You definitely can't
go to this party.

240
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,096
(sighs)
I got to go and tell him.

241
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,598
I got to go tell him
before she gets there.

242
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,566
I'll call Nick,
and I'll have him stall her.

243
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,067
Okay.

244
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,269
I don't think I can.
You have no idea

245
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:58,405
how anxious this woman
is to get to the party.

246
00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,941
No, no, no, I told you,
we're not there yet.

247
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,342
You got to stay
plugged in.

248
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,844
You're such a pill.

249
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,680
Well, just take her to the mall,
get her some soft serve.

250
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,048
Be sure to save your receipts.

251
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,717
I'll reimburse you
from the party fund.

252
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,451
Got to go.
Ugh!

253
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:15,689
Mrs. Parikh, can
you keep a secret?

254
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:18,926
I'm going to kill this
soft serve nonsense.

255
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:20,628
(whimpers)
You know what
we're gonna do?

256
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:21,862
We're gonna play
laser tag!
(screaming)

257
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,296
(shouting in Hindi)
What are you doing?!

258
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:24,698
We're gonna
play laser tag!

259
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:27,134
It's a fun American game!
It's a fun game!

260
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,136
BOTH: Groomsmen! Yeah.
(whoops)

261
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,104
Mmm.

262
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:33,273
Ah. Love each and every one
of you sons of bitches.

263
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,442
Now, who are you?
I'm Groomsman Number Two.

264
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:38,278
(chuckles) Big Schmidt,
Schmidt's cousin.

265
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,480
I'm Robby,
Groomsman Number Four.

266
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:41,949
I am the ex-boyfriend
of the bride,

267
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,918
and a weirdly close friend
of the groom.

268
00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:48,088
I'm Number Five,
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge.

269
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,222
CFO of

270
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,091
Associated Strategies, LLC.

271
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,761
I'm 62 years of age,
was recently widowed,

272
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,428
and I believe earnestly

273
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:57,931
that if we can all work together
this wedding season,

274
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:01,401
we will get more boom-boom
than a TNT factory.

275
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,602
Yeah!
(men laughing)

276
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:05,505
Thank you for your time.
Thank you for your time.

277
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:06,974
I have a brief
statement from G3,

278
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,676
who could not make
it here tonight.

279
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:11,679
It says, "Dear Jess, I can't
fly in for every damn party.

280
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,180
"I will see you at...

281
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:14,682
(imitates Coach):
the wedding."

282
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,483
If you know Coach,
that's exactly how he...

283
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:17,951
"Wedding."
Yeah, yeah.

284
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,286
And then he always
goes, "Coach."

285
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:20,754
(laughs)

286
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,856
Now, me, myself,
I am Winston Bishop.

287
00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:24,291
Officer Winston Bishop?

288
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,293
The Winston Bishop?
The Carport Hero?

289
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,796
I knew it was you.
I saw you on TV, man.

290
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:31,932
Officer, you make me
want to be a better man.
Oh.

291
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,467
I'm gonna stop, uh, peeing
in my ex-wife's mailbox.

292
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,136
WINSTON: No, seriously,
everybody, calm down.

293
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:37,771
Act normal around me.

294
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:40,040
I'm a fun guy.
I do pranks.

295
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,375
Uh, Cece's last wedding?
The badger that fell down

296
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:44,311
and almost killed a bunch
of people-- that was me!

297
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:45,478
(chuckles)

298
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:46,714
I'm Prank Sinatra, baby!

299
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,215
Old Brown Eyes.

300
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:50,283
Ain't no prank
like a badger prank,

301
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,319
because a badger prank
got badgers,

302
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:54,722
and it's dangerous as hell!

303
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,698
Ms. Parikh.

304
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,340
Who are you?

305
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,976
Oh. My goodness.
Of course.

306
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,345
I must be completely
unrecognizable to you

307
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,848
from the countless photos
you must have seen.

308
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,016
In honor of your
visit, I stood

309
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:26,086
the humble recipient of
a professional shampoo.

310
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,221
So you're the man
who's marrying my daughter?

311
00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:31,058
Sure am.
No wonder she didn't
tell me that she was engaged.

312
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:32,926
Oh.

313
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,594
Oh, no, then.

314
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:37,264
I'm assuming she was afraid
I would disapprove.

315
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:38,932
But now that you've
met me...
I disapprove.

316
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:41,068
Mm-hmm.
Strong disapprove.

317
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:44,337
Let's take a moment to applaud
your daughter's instincts.

318
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,273
No, no, no.
Look, Schmidt. Mom.

319
00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:47,507
I'm sorry.

320
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,842
I can explain
everything.

321
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:49,810
Presenting...

322
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:53,213
...Cece's mom!
(Schmidt groans)

323
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,915
Except for that.
I'm her mom.

324
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:56,383
You're her mom?
That's my mom.

325
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:58,018
Then who are you?!
Not her mom.

326
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:58,919
That's her mom!

327
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,620
A dumb little boy you are!

328
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:02,455
(phone ringing)

329
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:04,124
Yeah. Hello.

330
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,626
So, does Cece's mom
love Schmidt, or what?

331
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:09,496
Which Cece's mom? The real one
or the one I may have kidnapped?

332
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:14,802
Th-The real one?

333
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:15,803
(elevator bell dings)

334
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:17,137
GLEN:
Anything for Officer Bishop!

335
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,571
The Carport Hero!

336
00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:22,342
Thanks, Glen. Sorry to army-
crawl into your home like that.

337
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,921
We come from a country
of 400 million men.

338
00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:35,555
Let's say half of them
are no good.

339
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,290
Another half, very ugly.

340
00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:40,527
That's still 100 million
eligible men.

341
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,730
Sure, ten percent are gay.

342
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,265
Puts us at 90 million men.

343
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,835
Ms. Parikh, I love Cece.

344
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:50,270
Cut it in half again
just for fun.

345
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,172
45 million men.

346
00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,780
Cece, when were you
gonna tell her?
I'm sorry.

347
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:02,349
On our wedding day
when we were standing beneath

348
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,783
our custom hybrid
mandap-chuppah?

349
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,352
(crying):
I'm so sorry. I just...

350
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:07,287
I wanted the moment to be right.

351
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,321
I'm sorry.

352
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,828
(tires screech)

353
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,968
We meet again.

354
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:23,470
(shouting):
Hello! Is anyone here?!

355
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,138
(horn honks fanfare)

356
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,539
Jess?

357
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:28,608
Winston! Oh, thank God!

358
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:29,977
I need your help.

359
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,211
Hey, Jess, let me
ask you something.

360
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,545
Uh, I'm a fun guy, right?

361
00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,381
I mean, I have
a way about me.

362
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,149
Winston, look at me,
look around.

363
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:38,285
Does your thing
seem important now?

364
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,187
You're the Carport Hero.

365
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:41,188
Now I need your help.

366
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:42,956
No more Carport Hero!

367
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,358
Tonight, I'm Prank Sinatra.

368
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:47,627
No. No! You didn't
play a prank...

369
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,796
You are the worst prankster
in the world!

370
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:53,133
Every prank you do
turns out either too big...

371
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,302
What is this?

372
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,970
Did you register me

373
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,838
as a sex offender?
(snickers)

374
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,340
...or too small.

375
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,510
How'd this blueberry
get in here?

376
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,212
(mumbles):
I don't...

377
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,480
(laughs)

378
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,516
(whoops)

379
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:11,985
You should have
saw your face!

380
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,586
He did not see that coming.

381
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:16,323
Just like no one's gonna see
what's coming tonight.

382
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,925
Nothing should be
coming tonight.

383
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,026
I'm sorry, Jess.

384
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:21,061
The fuse has
already been lit.

385
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:24,231
The lion has
spotted the gazelle.

386
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:27,334
The doo-doo is already
mid-flight to the fan.

387
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:30,003
The silly hounds
have been released.

388
00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,171
I repeat:

389
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,407
the silly hounds
have been released.

390
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:36,443
What did you d...
You know what, never mind.

391
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:38,245
Just take me to Cece
and Schmidt, please.

392
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:39,479
I did a prank. I did a... Oh.

393
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:43,783
(Winston grunting)

394
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,520
(grunting continues)

395
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,923
I hope the scooter
fits in the elevator.

396
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,624
There's an elevator?

397
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:52,792
(speaking Hindi)

398
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,028
I'm trying to find out
where to return you.

399
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,529
(speaking Hindi)

400
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:57,764
You have pepper spray?

401
00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,299
Why didn't you use that on me?

402
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,734
(speaking Hindi angrily)

403
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,305
All right,
I'll talk to you later.

404
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,906
Well, Cece's mom
hates me.

405
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:09,142
Like Jay Z, I have
99 problems.

406
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:12,279
But unlike Jay Z,
I have zero caveats.

407
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:14,081
I know, and I'm sorry.

408
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:17,384
Okay? I'm sorry
I screwed up my easy job.

409
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:18,785
(speaking Hindi angrily)

410
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:22,722
And stop being
so mean to me,

411
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,891
or I swear to God
I'm gonna fall in love with you!

412
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,526
(speaking Hindi angrily)

413
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:31,398
Where you going?
Come back.

414
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,266
(sighs)

415
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,502
Let me make it up to you.

416
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:38,605
I know that I said
I wanted the easy job.

417
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:39,906
But screw that.

418
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,442
I'm the best man, Schmidty.

419
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:43,743
I want the hard jobs.

420
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,245
I can handle it.

421
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,247
So what do we got?
What do we need?

422
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,915
We're past hard at this point.

423
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,284
We're well into impossible.

424
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:52,619
It's an unfixable situa...

425
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,187
(horn honks fanfare)
Hey.

426
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:58,125
Schmidt, I did not just drive
15 miles on a gout throne

427
00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,692
to watch you give up.

428
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:00,860
Especially not...

429
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:04,431
* In the Year... of Us.

430
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:05,465
Look at yourself.

431
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:06,866
Look around us.

432
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,302
Maybe this isn't our year.
I have a plan.

433
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:12,139
And whatever it is, I'm in.
I got this guy's back.
Don't think we actually need...

434
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,307
I know, but I'm in,
is what I'm saying.
That... I mean...

435
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:15,708
* Whatever it is, I want in.

436
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,310
Okay, whatever.
I want in.

437
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,545
Schmidt, how important
is this to you?
Have I made that clear?

438
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,380
That I want to be,
like, a third.
You can be in.

439
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:21,148
You're in.

440
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,149
You're in.
Thanks.

441
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:23,716
That's all
I wanted her to say.

442
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,618
Are you willing to do
whatever it takes?

443
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,686
Of course.

444
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,455
I also didn't love
the tone that, like,

445
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,190
"I'm in, but who cares
that I'm in?"

446
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,524
JESS (over speakers):
Ladies and gentlemen,

447
00:16:31,558 --> 00:16:34,027
could I have
your attention please?

448
00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:35,362
Hello.

449
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:36,863
I'm Jessica Day.

450
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:39,332
I'm the maid of honor,
but when I fell down the stairs,

451
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,668
I wished I was made of rubber.

452
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,203
(laughs)

453
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:45,538
(man coughing quietly)

454
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:48,208
Uh...

455
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,843
This one goes out to the secret
romantic in the audience.

456
00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:53,546
Just a little reminder
that love...

457
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,215
(chuckles) conquers all.

458
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:58,751
And without further ado,
MaHotMoves Gandhi.

459
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,089
Follow me, follow me.

460
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:03,090
Follow me!

461
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,791
(upbeat Indian music playing)

462
00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:21,974
(upbeat Indian music continues)

463
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,681
Think they're all
really friends?

464
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:31,751
You know, I mean, when
the dancing day is done?

465
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:36,556
(crowd cheering)

466
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,227
(upbeat Indian music continues)

467
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:57,310
(crowd laughing, cheering)

468
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,362
(upbeat Indian music continues)

469
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,312
(music ends, crowd cheering)

470
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,783
(whoops)

471
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,123
(Jess laughs)

472
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,792
Hey.

473
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:46,793
That was great.

474
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:47,794
Fantastic.

475
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,330
Wonderful.

476
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:56,068
JESS:
Where'd she go?

477
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:01,874
JESS:
Mrs. Parikh? Please, wait.

478
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:03,643
Stop. Look. (sighs)

479
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:05,478
It was my idea.

480
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,480
I thought we could sway you
with the power of dance.

481
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:09,882
You really think
a dance is all it takes?

482
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:12,051
CECE: Mom, I know that Schmidt
is not what you imagined.

483
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:14,020
Or what I imagined.

484
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:15,655
I never thought
I would fall for

485
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:18,024
the slim-hipped
ghost of Tom Cruise.

486
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,359
None of us did.

487
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:21,361
Quiet, Chair.

488
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:22,562
But I love him.

489
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:26,833
He makes me so happy,
and I'm gonna marry him.

490
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:32,705
I will not give my blessing.

491
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:42,749
Cece, Schmidt...

492
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,319
(groaning):
Oh, God.

493
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,987
Crunch. Ah...

494
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,589
Shoot me.

495
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:52,725
(sighs)

496
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,193
You have my blessing.

497
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:59,266
You have my
blessing, too.

498
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:01,901
Mine, too.

499
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:04,237
Oh, come on,
Not-Cece's mom.

500
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:05,605
That would've
been awesome.

501
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,440
It was a natural three.

502
00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:08,408
You got to finish.

503
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,915
We'll get her on board.

504
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:17,284
I promise.

505
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:18,585
Oh, she's gonna get hers.

506
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:19,752
No, no, Winston, no.

507
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:21,254
What did you do? No pranks.

508
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:22,188
Such bad timing.

509
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,089
Hey, Mrs. Parikh.

510
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,825
Check your shoe.

511
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,798
(Winston snickers)

512
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,933
Tickle foot! (laughs)

513
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,868
I put a feather in your shoe!

514
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,236
(laughing)

515
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:42,241
Too small, dude.

516
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,810
Way too small.

517
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:46,479
I've revised my vision.

518
00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:47,814
Honey, without my mom's help,

519
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:50,417
I don't think we can afford
to parachute the rabbi in.

520
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:51,751
Well, that's why
I've pared it down

521
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:53,386
to only the things
that matter.
That's great.

522
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:54,587
We can throw
a wedding

523
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:55,588
on a budget.

524
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:56,589
This is our year.

525
00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:57,590
We can do anything.

526
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,628
Now, who's gonna
take me to the john?

527
00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,262
Not it!
Really? You're the only
girl here.

528
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:04,263
I can't.
It hurts my back.

529
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:05,465
Who keeps giving her juice?

530
00:21:05,498 --> 00:21:08,000
You're in a senility
scooter; use a diaper!

531
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:11,971
* And it took a long time

532
00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:15,442
* To find you

533
00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:17,810
* But I finally found you.

534
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,781
(laughs quietly)

535
00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:23,350
That's a good tickle.

536
00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:25,151
(laughs):
Oh.

537
00:21:33,993 --> 00:21:36,295
Easy, Winnie.

538
00:21:36,329 --> 00:21:37,296
(thud, Winston grunts)

539
00:21:37,330 --> 00:21:39,298
(Winston panting)

540
00:21:39,332 --> 00:21:41,334
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH