1
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:03,204
(speaking quietly)

2
00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:08,842
(whispering):
Coach and May are fighting.
We don't want to disturb them.

3
00:00:08,875 --> 00:00:10,144
They're not fighting.

4
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:11,878
I know how to read
body language. Look.

5
00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:13,480
Her arms are crossed
in a position of dominance,

6
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,083
and he's playing his forehead
like a piano.

7
00:00:15,115 --> 00:00:16,750
WINSTON:
Will you clowns focus?

8
00:00:16,783 --> 00:00:19,486
My waffle is in the toaster,
and if I wait too long

9
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,388
after it pops, it'll get hard.

10
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:22,722
Look, I know
about relationships.

11
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:23,990
Winston can
vouch for me.

12
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,893
That girl, KC,
just texted him,

13
00:00:25,925 --> 00:00:27,728
"What's up?"

14
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,028
That riddler.
So I had him
text back

15
00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:30,830
an empty bubble.

16
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,701
Is he thinking about her? Or is
a baby playing with the phone?

17
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,036
She don't know,
but she want to know.

18
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:37,570
There she is. There she is.
Oh.

19
00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:38,539
JESS:
Hey.

20
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:40,408
Morning.
Hello.
How do?

21
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,409
Hey. Oh, someone left a waffle
in the toaster.

22
00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:43,543
Bye, guys.

23
00:00:43,576 --> 00:00:44,777
Man, this waffle
better be hot

24
00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:46,780
or I am going
Durst on y'all!

25
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,548
Hey... Coach.

26
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:51,051
Why... Jess,
are you talking like that?

27
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:52,185
She thinks you and
May are fighting.

28
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:53,420
No, we're not fighting.

29
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:54,621
(chuckles)

30
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:55,789
We did break up though.

31
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,191
(gasps)
Oh, my God, I knew it.

32
00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:58,591
I mean, I'm so sorry.
What happened?

33
00:00:58,625 --> 00:00:59,893
May accepted a
job in New York

34
00:00:59,926 --> 00:01:03,131
as a section musician
for the Met.

35
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,864
Oh, has Alan taken a liking
to her? Oh, bravo.

36
00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:06,700
Good for... You know,
I've always been a fan of his.

37
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:10,103
When he conducted, uh,
Das Rheingold

38
00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:13,141
with the Royal Stockholm
Orchestra, it was magnificent.

39
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,542
Jar or slap?

40
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,810
I don't have
any cash on me.

41
00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:18,045
Good slap.
JESS: Are you okay?

42
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,612
Do you want to talk about it?

43
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:21,614
No, I'm good. Yeah.
I'll miss her, but...

44
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:23,584
we're still friends.
We're cool.

45
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,585
I'm cool.
Cool.
NICK: All right.

46
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:28,322
He is not good.

47
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:32,259
Winston, get back here! We need
to powwow about May and Coach!

48
00:01:35,027 --> 00:01:37,198
Winnie's gonna need a minute.

49
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:46,740
What are you
reading? What is...

50
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:49,576
One Woman's Journey
Up Inside Herself?

51
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,078
It's really inspiring.
I actually want to be

52
00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:52,479
the woman in this book.

53
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:55,015
"Finding inner strength
in a time of crises."

54
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:57,418
Cece, are you in crises?

55
00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:00,087
I'm fine. Cece's fine.

56
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,189
How are you?
How's Fawn holding up?

57
00:02:02,222 --> 00:02:04,692
If you must know, my paramour
Councilwoman Fawn Moscato

58
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,993
has been so strong
since the incident.

59
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:08,461
(crowd gasping)

60
00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:10,531
You know, reporters
are calling it Panty-Gate.

61
00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:12,500
There's pictures
of her naked lady-bottom

62
00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:14,100
all over the Internet. Sid,

63
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,868
put the
phone away.

64
00:02:15,902 --> 00:02:19,006
You picked it up right when
I said "naked lady-bottom."

65
00:02:19,038 --> 00:02:21,140
Please.
You guys
are good, then?

66
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:23,311
You know,
'cause the last time we spoke,

67
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:26,546
you said you were feeling
a little, you know, used.

68
00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:28,549
Well, not anymore.
We're a team now.

69
00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:29,883
Fawn and Schmidt.

70
00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:30,818
Fawmidt.

71
00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:33,320
Vomit?
No, Fawmidt.

72
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,388
You're saying the word "vomit."

73
00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:35,956
No, I don't hear that, but okay.

74
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,125
Fawn's holding a press
conference later today,

75
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,026
and I don't mean to toot
my own shofar,

76
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,995
but I'll be standing there
right by her side.

77
00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:43,129
So this scandal is actually

78
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,365
bringing you two
closer together.

79
00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:46,866
Team Fawmidt
has never been stronger.

80
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,569
I heard it there.

81
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,670
Wow, that sounds
exactly like "vomit."

82
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:53,240
That's a problem.
Mm-hmm.

83
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:56,243
"Roughly the same length
as The Pearl."

84
00:02:56,276 --> 00:02:58,246
How is that a pull quote?

85
00:02:58,278 --> 00:03:00,313
And that...

86
00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:02,181
is how babies get made.

87
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,550
It's gross, right?

88
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:04,918
How does the sperm find the egg?

89
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:06,887
Propelled by its tail,

90
00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:09,990
the sperm travels up the canal
until it reaches the egg.

91
00:03:10,022 --> 00:03:12,393
Now, for us,
it's only a couple of inches,

92
00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:16,329
but for Mr. Sperm there,
it's miles away.

93
00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:20,099
Miles and miles and miles away.

94
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:22,002
(sighs)

95
00:03:22,034 --> 00:03:24,704
It's almost like...

96
00:03:24,737 --> 00:03:29,042
why would the egg want to be
so far away from the sperm?

97
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:30,677
You know? Like, didn't
the egg and the sperm

98
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,379
have a great time
together?

99
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:34,581
And then you're just gonna
pack your bags and leave

100
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,015
and go to New York?

101
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,352
To play music
with some other sperm.

102
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:41,187
You're just-just gonna leave?
You're gonna leave your sperm

103
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,223
and go play music
with other sperms?!

104
00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:45,359
And I'm cool with that!
I'm cool with that!

105
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:48,795
You know, I got eggs.
I have eggs on deck!

106
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,397
This sperm got swag.
All those other sperms

107
00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:52,633
ain't got swag like me.
Can any other sperm

108
00:03:52,665 --> 00:03:56,804
sport this much green
and still look dope?

109
00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:58,204
No!

110
00:03:58,237 --> 00:04:01,108
That ain't tight!
This is tight!

111
00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:02,776
This is tight!

112
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:05,145
(crying):
I just want you

113
00:04:05,177 --> 00:04:07,247
to come back, and I...
(sniffles)

114
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:12,385
I guess I chose the wrong day
to observe Health.

115
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,921
COACH (crying):
I miss her!

116
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,557
May!

117
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:19,393
Listen, thanks for standing
next to me up there, Ponyboy.

118
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:20,728
I hope this show of remorse

119
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,228
will keep these reporters
off my back.

120
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,896
Oh, I know it will.
And then, you know what,

121
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,399
once this is over,
maybe we get out of here

122
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,233
for a little
bit. Lay low,
Oh.

123
00:04:27,266 --> 00:04:28,802
rent a cabin in the woods,
Yeah.

124
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:31,170
read some poetry,
have horizontal sex.

125
00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:33,441
Okay, two of those three things
sound like fun. Now,

126
00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:36,076
here's your statement in case
you're asked any questions.
Oh, a st...

127
00:04:36,108 --> 00:04:38,312
I'm not gonna need a statement.
I'm a seasoned improviser.

128
00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:40,180
Hey, guys.
We're the Belly Laughs.

129
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,682
So I need a location.

130
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,250
BOY:
How 'bout fat camp?

131
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,286
(laughter)

132
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:50,023
That's adorable. But just,
please, read what I wrote.

133
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:52,024
I will. But I'm not gonna
do it until I get out there.

134
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:53,994
You're gonna want me
in the moment for this.

135
00:04:54,026 --> 00:04:55,829
Okay.

136
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:58,298
(reporters clamoring)

137
00:04:58,331 --> 00:04:59,766
Good afternoon.

138
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,002
Um, before I answer
any of your questions,

139
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,704
my partner would like
to read a statement.

140
00:05:04,737 --> 00:05:06,673
Honey.

141
00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:10,143
I am a sick man.

142
00:05:14,714 --> 00:05:16,384
On Saturday last,
Councilwoman Moscato

143
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:19,887
was caught not wearing
underpants because I...

144
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,656
I asked her
not to wear them.

145
00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:25,257
Why?

146
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:33,300
Because it turns me on.

147
00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:35,468
What I did was wrong.

148
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:37,170
I'm so sorry, Fawn.

149
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:40,973
I'm sorry, Los Angeles.

150
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:43,677
And I'm sorry
to the man upstairs,

151
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:46,413
my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

152
00:05:50,750 --> 00:05:52,853
Dress shirts on a Monday?
You know how it is.

153
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,887
Coach breaks up with a lady,
we take him out,

154
00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:55,923
and he gets loaded.

155
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,591
Yeah, I know how it usually goes

156
00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:59,659
when Coach breaks up with
a girl, but May is different.

157
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,728
Sometimes she comes over
and they don't even have sex.

158
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,764
I don't get that.
Trust me,
I am right

159
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:06,098
about this, just like
I was right about them fighting.

160
00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:07,535
I'm on, like, a streak here.

161
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:11,004
I might just be...
an expert in love.

162
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:14,106
Like a... you know,
like a love doctor, if you will.

163
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,944
I will not. You are
the least qualified person

164
00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:20,112
to call themselves
a doctor of love.

165
00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:22,783
Exhibit "A": you dated me.

166
00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:23,917
I rest my case.
(chuckles)

167
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,952
Court is adjourned.

168
00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:27,687
Guilty as charged.

169
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,288
(laughs)

170
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,690
Put... I would stop that.

171
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,625
Case... rested.
Listen, I got to say

172
00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:34,694
I agree with Nick
on this one, Jess.

173
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,564
I mean, it's been a whole day,
and KC still hasn't texted me.

174
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,567
Well, that's just proof
that the bubble is working.

175
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,901
Look, you guys,
Coach needs to talk to May.

176
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,303
Trust me. He is in pain.

177
00:06:44,336 --> 00:06:48,709
I'm happy and I'm healthy
and I'm ready to party!

178
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,409
(Nick and Winston laughing)
Let's get drunk!

179
00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:51,644
(whoops)
You're wrong.

180
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,379
Coach. (chuckles)
(Coach grunts)

181
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,648
Do you want to talk about
what happened today or...?

182
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:55,649
Talk about what?

183
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:57,550
Nah. (chuckles)

184
00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,887
(Nick and Winston laugh)
Hey, um, actually,
can you do me a favor?

185
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,420
May's gonna be recording later.

186
00:07:01,454 --> 00:07:03,389
She's gonna stop by
and pick up her rubber circle.

187
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,824
May has a diaphragm?

188
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,225
No, it's the thing
that you put on the floor

189
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,326
to stabilize the cello.

190
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,295
Condom.
No.

191
00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:10,963
No, it's the thing
you put on the floor

192
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,600
to make sure
the cello stays put.

193
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:13,666
Cello stabilizer.

194
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,502
Oh, yeah.
Cello stabilizer.

195
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:18,437
Oh. Well, wouldn't you like
to be here when she comes by?

196
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:20,439
No, that's gonna be hella weird.
(laughter)

197
00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:21,942
I want to party!
Yeah!

198
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,310
We 'bout to par...
Come on, party!

199
00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:27,980
I'm gonna do this
and gonna do this, this,

200
00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:29,016
this, this, this.

201
00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:31,151
(sighs)

202
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:33,786
What was that speech?

203
00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:36,122
I'm sorry, okay? I told you to
read the statement beforehand,

204
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,757
and then you told me
that terrifying story

205
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:39,793
about doing improv
at a fat person's camp.

206
00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:41,127
I didn't know
that the statement

207
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,463
was gonna blame me
for Panty-Gate.

208
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,298
And by the way,
for your information,

209
00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:48,100
the Belly Laughs
did not "do" improv.

210
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,202
We reinvented it.

211
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,973
I know you must be embarrassed,
but... you saved me.

212
00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:55,108
Yeah, well, people
think I'm a sicko now.

213
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,511
One of your aides
spit at me.
Was it Shallon?

214
00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:00,112
Yeah, that's a lisp,
but still, he's fired.

215
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:03,016
Look, if you want to leave,
I completely understand.

216
00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:04,785
But the truth is...

217
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:07,620
I can't do this without you.

218
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,790
Well, now Ponyboy is
feeling very conflicted.

219
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,059
Just one last photo op.

220
00:08:12,091 --> 00:08:13,661
You and I having
a lovely evening.

221
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:15,228
Show the press
everything's back to normal.

222
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:18,665
And then I promise
it'll just all be about us.

223
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:20,332
Could we do
horizontal sex?

224
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,002
Yes.
With foreplay?

225
00:08:24,036 --> 00:08:26,305
It's a deal-b...
It's a deal-breaker.
Uh... Yeah.

226
00:08:26,338 --> 00:08:29,309
It's a deal-breaker. Okay.
Fine, yes, fine, yes.

227
00:08:29,341 --> 00:08:30,543
Oh, God.

228
00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:31,911
No, please. Oh...

229
00:08:31,944 --> 00:08:33,413
Oh, God.

230
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,481
(knocking)
May.

231
00:08:35,514 --> 00:08:36,549
Cece!

232
00:08:36,584 --> 00:08:38,418
So Coach and May
broke up?

233
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:39,653
Long story short,

234
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:40,754
they shouldn't have broken up,

235
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:41,889
and I am the only person

236
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,255
that sees this.

237
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:44,825
I realize I'm kind of
an expert in love.

238
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,193
A love doctor, if you will.

239
00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:48,696
Where are
your crackers?

240
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,029
A-Above the fridge.

241
00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:51,599
Cece, did they raise
your tuition again?

242
00:08:51,631 --> 00:08:53,066
Why are you so hungry?

243
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:57,269
I've decided I'm going to climb
Mount Shasta.

244
00:08:57,303 --> 00:08:58,437
By yourself?

245
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,039
I'm leaving
for three weeks.

246
00:09:00,072 --> 00:09:01,674
I want to be like the woman
in the book;

247
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:04,244
I want to go on a climbing trip
and find myself.

248
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:07,547
Okay, um... Ceec,

249
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:08,881
are you sure

250
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:11,018
you're ready
for a climbing trip?

251
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,720
Jess, I just...
I can't sit here

252
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:15,889
and watch Schmidt with Fawn.

253
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:19,225
And I don't think they're
breaking up any time soon, so...

254
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,061
Cece, they're never gonna last.

255
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,062
He doesn't really love her.

256
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:24,597
Did he tell you that?

257
00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:26,899
No, but...

258
00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:29,469
as a doctor of love,
I sense these things.

259
00:09:29,501 --> 00:09:31,203
(knocking)

260
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,974
The Love Doctor just knows.

261
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:38,544
May.
Hi.

262
00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:40,913
Uh, I'm here for
my endpin anchor.

263
00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:41,782
Yeah.

264
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:43,951
Ah, thank you.

265
00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:46,153
Very sorry to hear
about the breakup.

266
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,120
Are you okay?

267
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,989
Um, yeah. Yeah.

268
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,957
I'm here to talk
if you ever need to.

269
00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:54,394
In hard times,
it's nice to have a friend, May.

270
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,596
Thanks...

271
00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:57,965
Jess, right?

272
00:09:57,998 --> 00:09:59,799
Yes.
Well, uh...

273
00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:01,268
I'm in the middle of
a recording session.

274
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,403
I got to get back to the
studio, so... see ya.

275
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,938
Bye.

276
00:10:07,206 --> 00:10:10,143
Yeah, Jess, she looks
real broken up about it.

277
00:10:12,645 --> 00:10:15,982
(knocking)

278
00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:18,418
I... I'm a mess.

279
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,419
I know!

280
00:10:20,452 --> 00:10:22,923
(May crying)

281
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,957
(whispers):
The doctor is in.

282
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:26,259
Wait, what?

283
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,961
Nothing. Cry it out.

284
00:10:30,462 --> 00:10:32,432
Mmm! Ah.

285
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,301
Wow.

286
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,469
I've never seen Coach go
this hard after a breakup, man.

287
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,437
You sure he's okay?
It's good, it's
good, it's good.

288
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,807
You treat an outside wound
with rubbing alcohol,

289
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:43,009
you treat an inside wound
with drinking alcohol.

290
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,376
That's science.

291
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:45,544
I feel that, man.

292
00:10:45,577 --> 00:10:47,179
It is time to
turn things up.

293
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:48,514
Sidney!

294
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:50,717
Do what you do!
(chuckles)

295
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:55,722
("Black Velvet"
by Alannah Myles playing)

296
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:58,024
Aw...

297
00:10:58,057 --> 00:10:59,392
(chuckles)

298
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:04,464
This... is... my... jam.

299
00:11:04,496 --> 00:11:06,133
MAY (muffled): We've only been
dating for a few months.

300
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,868
I just thought that...

301
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:10,470
that breaking up was, like, the
smart thing to do, you know?

302
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,739
I know you're upset,

303
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:14,173
sweetie, but I...
I can't understand

304
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:16,710
anything you're saying
with the crackers.

305
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:18,745
Do you love him?

306
00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:20,913
I think I do.

307
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:22,850
Well, then maybe moving
to New York doesn't mean

308
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:24,683
you have to break up.
(muffled): So you think

309
00:11:24,717 --> 00:11:28,154
that I should... that I should
ask Coach to move with me?

310
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:30,190
Okay, how about
we put down the crackers?

311
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,759
I think she wants Coach

312
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,494
to move to New York
with her.

313
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:37,063
Oh! Yes, yes!
I mean...

314
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:40,533
Yeah? You-You... You think
that he would say yeah?
Yeah. Definitely.

315
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,235
He's crazy about you. He had a
meltdown today in health class.

316
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:46,505
Now, the kids did learn that sex
is emotionally complicated,

317
00:11:46,538 --> 00:11:48,508
so it was a good class,
but trust me...

318
00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:51,411
What Jess is trying to say
here is that if you...

319
00:11:51,443 --> 00:11:54,581
if you really know
how you feel about someone,

320
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:56,383
you need to act now.

321
00:11:56,415 --> 00:11:58,751
Wow. (laughs)

322
00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,120
Am I really doing this?

323
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,721
Yeah, but not before
we clean your face,

324
00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:03,423
'cause it's caked in snot.

325
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:07,293
WINSTON:
Ooh, yeah, Coach!

326
00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:08,796
Who you think
he's gonna hook up with?

327
00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:10,096
It's a tough Monday crowd. It...

328
00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:11,431
It's nearly impossible to say,

329
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,731
but I'm gonna go
with the white bodysuit

330
00:12:12,765 --> 00:12:14,033
and, uh,
the leopard print leggings.

331
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,969
She looks
smart to me.

332
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:18,806
WINSTON:
No way. No way. My money's on
the one with the wedding ring

333
00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:20,472
whose husband is clearly
over there in the corner

334
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:21,740
spying on her.

335
00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:23,110
Yeah, he's not
happy about that.

336
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:26,245
Oh, oh, ooh!
Dora the Explorer

337
00:12:26,278 --> 00:12:27,413
just entered the scene!
(laughs)

338
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,716
You're tiny. I like it.

339
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,951
NICK: There she g... Oh!
For the kiss!

340
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,986
Oh!
The winner.

341
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:35,254
The winner.

342
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:36,489
What the hell?

343
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:37,890
Oh. May's here. Coach!

344
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:40,226
(both grunting, growling)

345
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:41,561
(Nick and Winston
whistling, grunting)

346
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,529
May here, she here!

347
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,799
Wh-Wha... Uh, May!

348
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,100
Wh-What are... what
are you doing here?

349
00:12:48,134 --> 00:12:49,970
No, come on.

350
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:51,638
No, no...

351
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:54,006
* In a flash, he is gone

352
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,808
* It happened so soon...

353
00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:58,245
In case you were
wondering, she, uh...

354
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:02,182
she did get her little
rubber holder thing.

355
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:12,524
Coach, um, I wanted
to apologize.

356
00:13:12,558 --> 00:13:14,326
Not now, honey.
He needs some time, honey.

357
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,263
I brought over a beer.
We'll take that beer.

358
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,629
Give us that beer, honey.

359
00:13:18,730 --> 00:13:21,033
Sorry.

360
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:23,370
I'm not a freaking love doctor.

361
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,938
I'm Dr. E.D. Ote.

362
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,474
(chuckles)
Dr. Idiot.

363
00:13:27,506 --> 00:13:28,875
Yeah, I get it. I just
never understood

364
00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,943
the whole love doctor
thing, anyway.

365
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:34,047
I guess I was just hoping that
with all the mistakes I've made,

366
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,349
at least I could
help you guys find love.

367
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:39,818
That I didn't go through
all that for no reason.

368
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:41,620
Yeah, but no one has
the answers, you know?

369
00:13:41,653 --> 00:13:44,790
It's love, it makes no sense.
It's messy.

370
00:13:44,823 --> 00:13:47,494
There's no such thing
as a love doctor.

371
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,864
You know what, Cece?

372
00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:53,566
Go on your trip.
Go get over Schmidt.

373
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,168
Don't listen to me.

374
00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:57,037
I'm gonna climb that mountain.

375
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,905
Yeah, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.

376
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:00,874
But I'm not gonna
do it for Schmidt,

377
00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:02,241
I'm gonna do it for me.

378
00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:03,375
Good. Go.

379
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:05,745
I love you, girl.
Love you, too.

380
00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:12,418
Hey, don't smile.
Don't smile.

381
00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:13,753
Look sadder
that you're buying underpants.

382
00:14:13,785 --> 00:14:14,922
Underpants make you
very, very sad.

383
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:16,889
Oh, I hate being
here so much.

384
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:19,725
These underpants make
me so uncomfortable.

385
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:22,528
That's perfect. There's that
fat boy improv training.

386
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,898
Now, next, I'm going to ask
for something with a little more

387
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,732
coverage; you're gonna flip out,
say you can't take it anymore,

388
00:14:26,765 --> 00:14:28,400
and leave the store.

389
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:30,102
Then tomorrow, we enter you into
some kind of rehab facility.

390
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,338
When you get out, we'll announce
that we're getting married.

391
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:34,706
Married? What? I don't...
Shh. Yes. Shh.

392
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,176
Yes, yes. Okay.

393
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:39,211
So what I say is we build
on this momentum, okay?

394
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:41,780
And we get married. I know
it's not the most romantic

395
00:14:41,813 --> 00:14:44,451
idea in the world,
but we'd be happy.

396
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,352
And then, we play
our cards right,

397
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:50,057
you and I are living
in the mayor's mansion by 2020.

398
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:52,625
Fawn. Fawn.

399
00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:53,725
No.

400
00:14:53,759 --> 00:14:55,861
No? Oh, n-no to some of it?

401
00:14:55,894 --> 00:14:58,597
No to all of it. We can't get
married. I barely even know you.

402
00:14:58,630 --> 00:15:00,200
You... You know me.

403
00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:01,467
The real you, Fawn.

404
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:02,902
This is the real me.

405
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:06,438
I'm a politician,
not in The Vagina Monologues.

406
00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:08,541
I mean, what do you want?

407
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,376
I can get you anything you want.

408
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:11,878
You'll be rich,
I'll be powerful.

409
00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:14,147
I'm realizing...

410
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:17,750
just now that it's
not what I want.

411
00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,786
I don't want
any of that.

412
00:15:19,818 --> 00:15:21,421
I want to be in love.

413
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:25,158
I want to be... I want
to be crazy in love.

414
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:27,594
Okay, well, certainly
don't quote Beyoncé

415
00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:29,395
and then pretend like
you just thought of it.

416
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:30,897
Uh, uh, I want to
be drunk in love.

417
00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:33,100
But that's also
a Beyoncé lyric.

418
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,335
Come on, Fawn.

419
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,736
You're not really
in love with me.

420
00:15:37,769 --> 00:15:39,938
I'm not really in
love with-with you.

421
00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:44,844
We just look great together
buying underpants.

422
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,081
Are you breaking up with me?

423
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:52,119
I guess I kind of am.

424
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:54,520
Well, um...

425
00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:56,822
I don't want this

426
00:15:56,855 --> 00:16:00,626
to come out
the wrong way, but...

427
00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:02,995
does this mean I lose your vote?

428
00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:04,931
(chuckles)

429
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,067
Never.

430
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:09,969
(cameras clicking)

431
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:15,174
(shouting): I just can't stand
to be in here any longer!

432
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:17,210
Surrounded...

433
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:19,145
by these underpants!

434
00:16:19,178 --> 00:16:22,481
Red ones and yellow ones
and blue ones and pink ones!

435
00:16:22,514 --> 00:16:26,653
And this woman with her
brassiere-slash-teddy!

436
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,955
Underpants everywhere!
They're driving me nuts!

437
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,291
I feel like I got
underpants all over my body!

438
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:33,993
Schmidt out.
This is ridiculous.

439
00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:37,496
Enough is enough.
Get out of here, paparazzi.

440
00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:41,100
No, leave me...
Get-get out of my way, sir.

441
00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:53,980
I just want to
say something.
No.

442
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,748
And then I'll leave.

443
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,549
Look, I'll never get involved in
your personal life ever again.

444
00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:59,818
Okay? Because I have no
idea what I'm talking about.

445
00:16:59,851 --> 00:17:01,754
And I know that now.

446
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,523
You could just... you could just
troll for basic bitches

447
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,825
at the juice bar,
and I will say, mm, nothing.

448
00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:09,061
Okay? So, look, I was
wrong, and I'm sorry.

449
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:10,430
I do love her.

450
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,901
I'm crazy about her.

451
00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:16,603
Yes! I was right!

452
00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:19,506
(laughs)
Love Doctor! I'm back.

453
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,708
Really? I thought
it was just a regular breakup.

454
00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:24,411
But in all fairness, I hadn't
thought about it that hard.

455
00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:26,278
I mean, what do I do, man?

456
00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:28,448
You know, it's like
she's going to New York.

457
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,450
Yup.
I can't go to New York
with her. That's crazy.

458
00:17:30,482 --> 00:17:33,452
You know? I like my sun on the
right and my ocean on the left.

459
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:34,753
It's a rule of mine.

460
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:36,556
Plus, I'd have
to leave you guys.

461
00:17:36,588 --> 00:17:38,758
Can't leave you
guys, I mean,

462
00:17:38,790 --> 00:17:40,893
I finally have a home.

463
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:47,700
All right, flash forward
to the future.

464
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:50,470
40, 50 years.

465
00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:53,573
You're married.
Kids, grandkids.
Mm-hmm.

466
00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:55,442
I'm long dead.
Naturally.

467
00:17:55,474 --> 00:17:56,242
Of course.

468
00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:57,609
And you look over

469
00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:58,911
to the woman sitting
next to you.

470
00:17:58,944 --> 00:18:00,446
And she's gray.

471
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,048
She's old.
She has that,
like, grandma smell.

472
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,817
You have a grandpa smell,
but you got...
Grandmas always smell like...

473
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,420
like right when you
open a cupboard.

474
00:18:07,453 --> 00:18:09,888
Yeah, she has
that smell, but...
Mm-hmm.

475
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:10,990
...you love her.

476
00:18:11,022 --> 00:18:13,125
Be honest with yourself.

477
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,595
Is that fat old lady
sitting beside you...
Mm...

478
00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:17,829
Honestly, right now, in my head,
I'm just picturing, like,

479
00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:19,766
a beanbag chair
with a wig on it.

480
00:18:19,798 --> 00:18:22,469
Okay. We have gone too much
into the description.
Okay.

481
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:25,872
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that May?

482
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,709
I think so.

483
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,280
Well, that's big.

484
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,981
Let's go get her.

485
00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:37,517
Yeah?
Yeah.

486
00:18:37,549 --> 00:18:39,618
JESS: Whoo-hoo!
Let's go get May.
Yeah!

487
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:42,521
Hey, Jess, she texted me back!
The blank bubble worked!

488
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,458
Guys?

489
00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:47,626
Have you seen my white friends?

490
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,528
In 40 years,
when we're old and...

491
00:18:49,561 --> 00:18:52,199
Do it.
...a mess of fat,

492
00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:55,301
loose skin hanging,
I have boobs,

493
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,336
and you've got hair

494
00:18:56,368 --> 00:18:57,869
on your face...

495
00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:59,338
Holding my rock sack
while I'm sitting on the toilet

496
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:00,839
so it doesn't fall
in the water.

497
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,642
What are you saying?

498
00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:06,445
I'm saying, as you get older,
your testicles lengthen.

499
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,647
(scoffs)
No, what I'm saying
is I love you.

500
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,282
Oh.
And that I would be

501
00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:13,452
a fool if I let you leave
to New York

502
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,086
without even fighting for us.

503
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,627
Ernie...

504
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:24,196
I love you, too.

505
00:19:26,232 --> 00:19:28,800
But I... I can't stay here.

506
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,569
I don't want you to stay here.

507
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,705
Um... look, I know we haven't
been dating that long,

508
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,674
and, um, this might seem crazy,
but I was won...

509
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:38,009
Will you move to
New York with me?

510
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,346
Yes! That! That's what I...

511
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,147
Yes?!
Yeah, that's what
I wanted to do, yeah.

512
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,883
(screeches)
Right. So, we're moving
to New York?

513
00:19:43,915 --> 00:19:45,917
We're moving to New York.
We're moving to New York!

514
00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:47,720
Jersey City.
What?

515
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,922
Jersey City!
Jersey... I don't...

516
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:55,060
NICK:
Well, this is all you, Jess.

517
00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:56,729
Come on.
This is all you.

518
00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:59,832
I mean it. If Coach were
hanging out with me,

519
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,535
we'd be beating up
a priest right now.
(laughs)

520
00:20:02,568 --> 00:20:04,503
You had a lot
to do with this, too.

521
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,939
No, really. All that stuff about

522
00:20:06,972 --> 00:20:09,375
"Who do you see
yourself next to?"

523
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,910
That's-that's really good.

524
00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:13,712
Do you do that?

525
00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:17,148
Who-who do you
see yourself next to?

526
00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:20,086
Winston mostly.

527
00:20:20,118 --> 00:20:23,122
Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually.

528
00:20:23,154 --> 00:20:24,557
(both laugh)

529
00:20:24,590 --> 00:20:27,026
I just see a really old Winston.
(chuckles)

530
00:20:27,058 --> 00:20:29,961
Eating handfuls of birdseed
out of the bag.

531
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,431
He gets really into birds.

532
00:20:31,463 --> 00:20:33,532
Hey!

533
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,835
Play some music!
Play some music!

534
00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:39,905
(playing romantic
classical music)

535
00:20:51,182 --> 00:20:52,884
I'm sorry about Fawn.
Yeah, sorry, buddy.

536
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,386
Yeah, you guys
were good together.

537
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:56,055
She was fine.
Okay, that's enough.

538
00:20:56,087 --> 00:20:57,824
I know you guys
didn't like her.
Hated her guts.

539
00:20:57,856 --> 00:21:00,092
So much!
JESS: Wait. What are
we watching right now?

540
00:21:00,125 --> 00:21:02,260
That girl just
took her boobs out!

541
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,631
Nick, why are you watching smut?
It was already
in the DVD player.

542
00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:07,500
I didn't want to get up
and get it.
Schmidt, are you
sitting on my pillow?

543
00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:10,135
Who leaves porn in the DVD?
What's it doing out here
in the first place?

544
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:13,138
The only thing we use it for.
Might as well just leave it in.
I'm sleeping on the couch.

545
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:15,141
Furguson and I are fighting.
SCHMIDT: Why is that pillow wet?

546
00:21:15,173 --> 00:21:16,742
NICK: It's a good story. Let's
just watch and see what happens.

547
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:19,811
What are you smiling at?
Nothing.

548
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,948
For crying out loud, take this
soft-core off the TV right now.

549
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,349
Why is this pillow wet?
Furguson...

550
00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:25,518
Jess, I have to see
how the story ends.

551
00:21:25,551 --> 00:21:28,320
There isn't any plot!
This is the wrong time
to stop this, trust me.

552
00:21:28,355 --> 00:21:30,490
Get you and your wet pillow and
your big old legs out of here.

553
00:21:30,522 --> 00:21:32,491
Nick, I know you want that.
I don't want to eat that.

554
00:21:32,525 --> 00:21:34,794
Get that damn pizza
out of my mouth!
(laughter)

555
00:21:34,826 --> 00:21:36,563
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org