(speaking quietly)
(whispering): Coach and May are fighting. We don't want to disturb them.
They're not fighting.
I know how to read body language. Look.
Her arms are crossed in a position of dominance,
and he's playing his forehead like a piano.
WINSTON: Will you clowns focus?
My waffle is in the toaster, and if I wait too long
after it pops, it'll get hard.
Look, I know about relationships.
Winston can vouch for me.
That girl, KC, just texted him,
"What's up?"
That riddler. So I had him text back
an empty bubble.
Is he thinking about her? Or is a baby playing with the phone?
She don't know, but she want to know.
There she is. There she is. Oh.
JESS: Hey.
Morning. Hello. How do?
Hey. Oh, someone left a waffle in the toaster.
Bye, guys.
Man, this waffle better be hot
or I am going Durst on y'all!
Hey... Coach.
Why... Jess, are you talking like that?
She thinks you and May are fighting.
No, we're not fighting.
(chuckles)
We did break up though.
(gasps) Oh, my God, I knew it.
I mean, I'm so sorry. What happened?
May accepted a job in New York
as a section musician for the Met.
Oh, has Alan taken a liking to her? Oh, bravo.
Good for... You know, I've always been a fan of his.
When he conducted, uh, Das Rheingold
with the Royal Stockholm Orchestra, it was magnificent.
Jar or slap?
I don't have any cash on me.
Good slap. JESS: Are you okay?
Do you want to talk about it?
No, I'm good. Yeah. I'll miss her, but...
we're still friends. We're cool.
I'm cool. Cool. NICK: All right.
He is not good.
Winston, get back here! We need to powwow about May and Coach!
Winnie's gonna need a minute.
What are you reading? What is...
One Woman's Journey Up Inside Herself?
It's really inspiring. I actually want to be
the woman in this book.
"Finding inner strength in a time of crises."
Cece, are you in crises?
I'm fine. Cece's fine.
How are you? How's Fawn holding up?
If you must know, my paramour Councilwoman Fawn Moscato
has been so strong since the incident.
(crowd gasping)
You know, reporters are calling it Panty-Gate.
There's pictures of her naked lady-bottom
all over the Internet. Sid,
put the phone away.
You picked it up right when I said "naked lady-bottom."
Please. You guys are good, then?
You know, 'cause the last time we spoke,
you said you were feeling a little, you know, used.
Well, not anymore. We're a team now.
Fawn and Schmidt.
Fawmidt.
Vomit? No, Fawmidt.
You're saying the word "vomit."
No, I don't hear that, but okay.
Fawn's holding a press conference later today,
and I don't mean to toot my own shofar,
but I'll be standing there right by her side.
So this scandal is actually
bringing you two closer together.
Team Fawmidt has never been stronger.
I heard it there.
Wow, that sounds exactly like "vomit."
That's a problem. Mm-hmm.
"Roughly the same length as The Pearl."
How is that a pull quote?
And that...
is how babies get made.
It's gross, right?
How does the sperm find the egg?
Propelled by its tail,
the sperm travels up the canal until it reaches the egg.
Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches,
but for Mr. Sperm there, it's miles away.
Miles and miles and miles away.
(sighs)
It's almost like...
why would the egg want to be so far away from the sperm?
You know? Like, didn't the egg and the sperm
have a great time together?
And then you're just gonna pack your bags and leave
and go to New York?
To play music with some other sperm.
You're just-just gonna leave? You're gonna leave your sperm
and go play music with other sperms?!
And I'm cool with that! I'm cool with that!
You know, I got eggs. I have eggs on deck!
This sperm got swag. All those other sperms
ain't got swag like me. Can any other sperm
sport this much green and still look dope?
No!
That ain't tight! This is tight!
(crying): I just want you
to come back, and I... (sniffles)
I guess I chose the wrong day to observe Health.
COACH (crying): I miss her!
May!
Listen, thanks for standing next to me up there, Ponyboy.
I hope this show of remorse
will keep these reporters off my back.
Oh, I know it will. And then, you know what,
once this is over, maybe we get out of here
for a little bit. Lay low, Oh.
rent a cabin in the woods, Yeah.
read some poetry, have horizontal sex.
Okay, two of those three things sound like fun. Now,
here's your statement in case you're asked any questions. Oh, a st...
I'm not gonna need a statement. I'm a seasoned improviser.
Hey, guys. We're the Belly Laughs.
So I need a location.
BOY: How 'bout fat camp?
(laughter)
That's adorable. But just, please, read what I wrote.
I will. But I'm not gonna do it until I get out there.
You're gonna want me in the moment for this.
Okay.
(reporters clamoring)
Good afternoon.
Um, before I answer any of your questions,
my partner would like to read a statement.
Honey.
I am a sick man.
On Saturday last, Councilwoman Moscato
was caught not wearing underpants because I...
I asked her not to wear them.
Why?
Because it turns me on.
What I did was wrong.
I'm so sorry, Fawn.
I'm sorry, Los Angeles.
And I'm sorry to the man upstairs,
my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Dress shirts on a Monday? You know how it is.
Coach breaks up with a lady, we take him out,
and he gets loaded.
Yeah, I know how it usually goes
when Coach breaks up with a girl, but May is different.
Sometimes she comes over and they don't even have sex.
I don't get that. Trust me, I am right
about this, just like I was right about them fighting.
I'm on, like, a streak here.
I might just be... an expert in love.
Like a... you know, like a love doctor, if you will.
I will not. You are the least qualified person
to call themselves a doctor of love.
Exhibit "A": you dated me.
I rest my case. (chuckles)
Court is adjourned.
Guilty as charged.
(laughs)
Put... I would stop that.
Case... rested. Listen, I got to say
I agree with Nick on this one, Jess.
I mean, it's been a whole day, and KC still hasn't texted me.
Well, that's just proof that the bubble is working.
Look, you guys, Coach needs to talk to May.
Trust me. He is in pain.
I'm happy and I'm healthy and I'm ready to party!
(Nick and Winston laughing) Let's get drunk!
(whoops) You're wrong.
Coach. (chuckles) (Coach grunts)
Do you want to talk about what happened today or...?
Talk about what?
Nah. (chuckles)
(Nick and Winston laugh) Hey, um, actually, can you do me a favor?
May's gonna be recording later.
She's gonna stop by and pick up her rubber circle.
May has a diaphragm?
No, it's the thing that you put on the floor
to stabilize the cello.
Condom. No.
No, it's the thing you put on the floor
to make sure the cello stays put.
Cello stabilizer.
Oh, yeah. Cello stabilizer.
Oh. Well, wouldn't you like to be here when she comes by?
No, that's gonna be hella weird. (laughter)
I want to party! Yeah!
We 'bout to par... Come on, party!
I'm gonna do this and gonna do this, this,
this, this, this.
(sighs)
What was that speech?
I'm sorry, okay? I told you to read the statement beforehand,
and then you told me that terrifying story
about doing improv at a fat person's camp.
I didn't know that the statement
was gonna blame me for Panty-Gate.
And by the way, for your information,
the Belly Laughs did not "do" improv.
We reinvented it.
I know you must be embarrassed, but... you saved me.
Yeah, well, people think I'm a sicko now.
One of your aides spit at me. Was it Shallon?
Yeah, that's a lisp, but still, he's fired.
Look, if you want to leave, I completely understand.
But the truth is...
I can't do this without you.
Well, now Ponyboy is feeling very conflicted.
Just one last photo op.
You and I having a lovely evening.
Show the press everything's back to normal.
And then I promise it'll just all be about us.
Could we do horizontal sex?
Yes. With foreplay?
It's a deal-b... It's a deal-breaker. Uh... Yeah.
It's a deal-breaker. Okay. Fine, yes, fine, yes.
Oh, God.
No, please. Oh...
Oh, God.
(knocking) May.
Cece!
So Coach and May broke up?
Long story short,
they shouldn't have broken up,
and I am the only person
that sees this.
I realize I'm kind of an expert in love.
A love doctor, if you will.
Where are your crackers?
A-Above the fridge.
Cece, did they raise your tuition again?
Why are you so hungry?
I've decided I'm going to climb Mount Shasta.
By yourself?
I'm leaving for three weeks.
I want to be like the woman in the book;
I want to go on a climbing trip and find myself.
Okay, um... Ceec,
are you sure
you're ready for a climbing trip?
Jess, I just... I can't sit here
and watch Schmidt with Fawn.
And I don't think they're breaking up any time soon, so...
Cece, they're never gonna last.
He doesn't really love her.
Did he tell you that?
No, but...
as a doctor of love, I sense these things.
(knocking)
The Love Doctor just knows.
May. Hi.
Uh, I'm here for my endpin anchor.
Yeah.
Ah, thank you.
Very sorry to hear about the breakup.
Are you okay?
Um, yeah. Yeah.
I'm here to talk if you ever need to.
In hard times, it's nice to have a friend, May.
Thanks...
Jess, right?
Yes. Well, uh...
I'm in the middle of a recording session.
I got to get back to the studio, so... see ya.
Bye.
Yeah, Jess, she looks real broken up about it.
(knocking)
I... I'm a mess.
I know!
(May crying)
(whispers): The doctor is in.
Wait, what?
Nothing. Cry it out.
Mmm! Ah.
Wow.
I've never seen Coach go this hard after a breakup, man.
You sure he's okay? It's good, it's good, it's good.
You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol,
you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol.
That's science.
I feel that, man.
It is time to turn things up.
Sidney!
Do what you do! (chuckles)
("Black Velvet" by Alannah Myles playing)
Aw...
(chuckles)
This... is... my... jam.
MAY (muffled): We've only been dating for a few months.
I just thought that...
that breaking up was, like, the smart thing to do, you know?
I know you're upset,
sweetie, but I... I can't understand
anything you're saying with the crackers.
Do you love him?
I think I do.
Well, then maybe moving to New York doesn't mean
you have to break up. (muffled): So you think
that I should... that I should ask Coach to move with me?
Okay, how about we put down the crackers?
I think she wants Coach
to move to New York with her.
Oh! Yes, yes! I mean...
Yeah? You-You... You think that he would say yeah? Yeah. Definitely.
He's crazy about you. He had a meltdown today in health class.
Now, the kids did learn that sex is emotionally complicated,
so it was a good class, but trust me...
What Jess is trying to say here is that if you...
if you really know how you feel about someone,
you need to act now.
Wow. (laughs)
Am I really doing this?
Yeah, but not before we clean your face,
'cause it's caked in snot.
WINSTON: Ooh, yeah, Coach!
Who you think he's gonna hook up with?
It's a tough Monday crowd. It...
It's nearly impossible to say,
but I'm gonna go with the white bodysuit
and, uh, the leopard print leggings.
She looks smart to me.
WINSTON: No way. No way. My money's on the one with the wedding ring
whose husband is clearly over there in the corner
spying on her.
Yeah, he's not happy about that.
Oh, oh, ooh! Dora the Explorer
just entered the scene! (laughs)
You're tiny. I like it.
NICK: There she g... Oh! For the kiss!
Oh! The winner.
What the hell?
Oh. May's here. Coach!
(both grunting, growling)
(Nick and Winston whistling, grunting)
May here, she here!
Wh-Wha... Uh, May!
Wh-What are... what are you doing here?
No, come on.
No, no...
* In a flash, he is gone
* It happened so soon...
In case you were wondering, she, uh...
she did get her little rubber holder thing.
Coach, um, I wanted to apologize.
Not now, honey. He needs some time, honey.
I brought over a beer. We'll take that beer.
Give us that beer, honey.
Sorry.
I'm not a freaking love doctor.
I'm Dr. E.D. Ote.
(chuckles) Dr. Idiot.
Yeah, I get it. I just never understood
the whole love doctor thing, anyway.
I guess I was just hoping that with all the mistakes I've made,
at least I could help you guys find love.
That I didn't go through all that for no reason.
Yeah, but no one has the answers, you know?
It's love, it makes no sense. It's messy.
There's no such thing as a love doctor.
You know what, Cece?
Go on your trip. Go get over Schmidt.
Don't listen to me.
I'm gonna climb that mountain.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
But I'm not gonna do it for Schmidt,
I'm gonna do it for me.
Good. Go.
I love you, girl. Love you, too.
Hey, don't smile. Don't smile.
Look sadder that you're buying underpants.
Underpants make you very, very sad.
Oh, I hate being here so much.
These underpants make me so uncomfortable.
That's perfect. There's that fat boy improv training.
Now, next, I'm going to ask for something with a little more
coverage; you're gonna flip out, say you can't take it anymore,
and leave the store.
Then tomorrow, we enter you into some kind of rehab facility.
When you get out, we'll announce that we're getting married.
Married? What? I don't... Shh. Yes. Shh.
Yes, yes. Okay.
So what I say is we build on this momentum, okay?
And we get married. I know it's not the most romantic
idea in the world, but we'd be happy.
And then, we play our cards right,
you and I are living in the mayor's mansion by 2020.
Fawn. Fawn.
No.
No? Oh, n-no to some of it?
No to all of it. We can't get married. I barely even know you.
You... You know me.
The real you, Fawn.
This is the real me.
I'm a politician, not in The Vagina Monologues.
I mean, what do you want?
I can get you anything you want.
You'll be rich, I'll be powerful.
I'm realizing...
just now that it's not what I want.
I don't want any of that.
I want to be in love.
I want to be... I want to be crazy in love.
Okay, well, certainly don't quote Beyoncé
and then pretend like you just thought of it.
Uh, uh, I want to be drunk in love.
But that's also a Beyoncé lyric.
Come on, Fawn.
You're not really in love with me.
I'm not really in love with-with you.
We just look great together buying underpants.
Are you breaking up with me?
I guess I kind of am.
Well, um...
I don't want this
to come out the wrong way, but...
does this mean I lose your vote?
(chuckles)
Never.
(cameras clicking)
(shouting): I just can't stand to be in here any longer!
Surrounded...
by these underpants!
Red ones and yellow ones and blue ones and pink ones!
And this woman with her brassiere-slash-teddy!
Underpants everywhere! They're driving me nuts!
I feel like I got underpants all over my body!
Schmidt out. This is ridiculous.
Enough is enough. Get out of here, paparazzi.
No, leave me... Get-get out of my way, sir.
I just want to say something. No.
And then I'll leave.
Look, I'll never get involved in your personal life ever again.
Okay? Because I have no idea what I'm talking about.
And I know that now.
You could just... you could just troll for basic bitches
at the juice bar, and I will say, mm, nothing.
Okay? So, look, I was wrong, and I'm sorry.
I do love her.
I'm crazy about her.
Yes! I was right!
(laughs) Love Doctor! I'm back.
Really? I thought it was just a regular breakup.
But in all fairness, I hadn't thought about it that hard.
I mean, what do I do, man?
You know, it's like she's going to New York.
Yup. I can't go to New York with her. That's crazy.
You know? I like my sun on the right and my ocean on the left.
It's a rule of mine.
Plus, I'd have to leave you guys.
Can't leave you guys, I mean,
I finally have a home.
All right, flash forward to the future.
40, 50 years.
You're married. Kids, grandkids. Mm-hmm.
I'm long dead. Naturally.
Of course.
And you look over
to the woman sitting next to you.
And she's gray.
She's old. She has that, like, grandma smell.
You have a grandpa smell, but you got... Grandmas always smell like...
like right when you open a cupboard.
Yeah, she has that smell, but... Mm-hmm.
...you love her.
Be honest with yourself.
Is that fat old lady sitting beside you... Mm...
Honestly, right now, in my head, I'm just picturing, like,
a beanbag chair with a wig on it.
Okay. We have gone too much into the description. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that May?
I think so.
Well, that's big.
Let's go get her.
Yeah? Yeah.
JESS: Whoo-hoo! Let's go get May. Yeah!
Hey, Jess, she texted me back! The blank bubble worked!
Guys?
Have you seen my white friends?
In 40 years, when we're old and...
Do it. ...a mess of fat,
loose skin hanging, I have boobs,
and you've got hair
on your face...
Holding my rock sack while I'm sitting on the toilet
so it doesn't fall in the water.
What are you saying?
I'm saying, as you get older, your testicles lengthen.
(scoffs) No, what I'm saying is I love you.
Oh. And that I would be
a fool if I let you leave to New York
without even fighting for us.
Ernie...
I love you, too.
But I... I can't stay here.
I don't want you to stay here.
Um... look, I know we haven't been dating that long,
and, um, this might seem crazy, but I was won...
Will you move to New York with me?
Yes! That! That's what I...
Yes?! Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, yeah.
(screeches) Right. So, we're moving to New York?
We're moving to New York. We're moving to New York!
Jersey City. What?
Jersey City! Jersey... I don't...
NICK: Well, this is all you, Jess.
Come on. This is all you.
I mean it. If Coach were hanging out with me,
we'd be beating up a priest right now. (laughs)
You had a lot to do with this, too.
No, really. All that stuff about
"Who do you see yourself next to?"
That's-that's really good.
Do you do that?
Who-who do you see yourself next to?
Winston mostly.
Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually.
(both laugh)
I just see a really old Winston. (chuckles)
Eating handfuls of birdseed out of the bag.
He gets really into birds.
Hey!
Play some music! Play some music!
(playing romantic classical music)
I'm sorry about Fawn. Yeah, sorry, buddy.
Yeah, you guys were good together.
She was fine. Okay, that's enough.
I know you guys didn't like her. Hated her guts.
So much! JESS: Wait. What are we watching right now?
That girl just took her boobs out!
Nick, why are you watching smut? It was already in the DVD player.
I didn't want to get up and get it. Schmidt, are you sitting on my pillow?
Who leaves porn in the DVD? What's it doing out here in the first place?
The only thing we use it for. Might as well just leave it in. I'm sleeping on the couch.
Furguson and I are fighting. SCHMIDT: Why is that pillow wet?
NICK: It's a good story. Let's just watch and see what happens.
What are you smiling at? Nothing.
For crying out loud, take this soft-core off the TV right now.
Why is this pillow wet? Furguson...
Jess, I have to see how the story ends.
There isn't any plot! This is the wrong time to stop this, trust me.
Get you and your wet pillow and your big old legs out of here.
Nick, I know you want that. I don't want to eat that.
Get that damn pizza out of my mouth! (laughter)
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org