1 00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:04,307 Hey, hey, hey. Scoot down, scoot down. 2 00:00:04,352 --> 00:00:06,615 Nick, what are you doing? What are you doing? 3 00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:08,224 Sorry, just scoot down. I need to iron this shirt 4 00:00:08,269 --> 00:00:10,314 that I'm wearing for my date with Tran's granddaughter. 5 00:00:10,358 --> 00:00:12,228 It's either this or the turtleneck 6 00:00:12,272 --> 00:00:13,490 my mother bought me in 2009. 7 00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:15,102 They're my only clean shirts. 8 00:00:15,144 --> 00:00:16,667 The short-sleeved turtleneck? Don't do that. 9 00:00:16,711 --> 00:00:18,105 Okay, look, we need this whole table 10 00:00:18,147 --> 00:00:20,759 for Nadia's baby shower, all right? So, move along. 11 00:00:20,803 --> 00:00:22,891 Nadia-- isn't that the Russian chick who broke, uh, 12 00:00:22,934 --> 00:00:23,762 Schmidt's, uh... 13 00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:24,850 SCHMIDT: Will to live? 14 00:00:24,893 --> 00:00:26,417 After she broke my penis? 15 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,158 [chuckles] 16 00:00:28,202 --> 00:00:29,768 Who saw her and thought, 17 00:00:29,812 --> 00:00:32,292 "That's the woman I want to be the mother of my children"? 18 00:00:32,335 --> 00:00:35,557 She's not sure.Yeah, she calls it her little "sex party miracle." 19 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,124 Do you have to iron here? 20 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:38,777 It's the only flat surface! 21 00:00:38,820 --> 00:00:40,475 Besides Winston's desk-- but he's using it 22 00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:42,476 to study for his police academy test, 23 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,566 and he is "not to be disturbed." 24 00:00:52,225 --> 00:00:54,097 Not enough, not enough. 25 00:00:54,140 --> 00:00:56,098 There's an ironing board in the bathroom. 26 00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:59,232 I know, but I've been using that to wedge it between two urinals 27 00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:01,103 to keep Schmidt from peeking. 28 00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:02,539 But fine, I'll use that! 29 00:01:02,584 --> 00:01:04,802 Coach! Coach! 30 00:01:04,846 --> 00:01:08,155 My Charlie Roseepisodes, all 18 of them, are gone. 31 00:01:08,198 --> 00:01:09,111 DVR is chockablock filled with 32 00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:11,331 American football matches, which, 33 00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:13,246 by the way, is a garbage... Oh! 34 00:01:14,638 --> 00:01:16,118 We cool? [exhales] 35 00:01:16,162 --> 00:01:18,513 Yeah, we cool. Cool. 36 00:01:18,555 --> 00:01:19,817 What the hell just happened? 37 00:01:19,861 --> 00:01:21,254 Fight. Yeah. Now it's over. 38 00:01:21,298 --> 00:01:22,734 I barely even remember it. 39 00:01:22,777 --> 00:01:24,954 I cannot believe you guys handle things that way. 40 00:01:24,996 --> 00:01:27,564 I'm starting to think that neither one of you read 41 00:01:27,609 --> 00:01:30,263 the Madeleine Albright biography I gave you for Christmas. 42 00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:32,396 [chuckles] I'm so glad we don't fight. 43 00:01:32,439 --> 00:01:34,397 I know.Oh, please. Women fight. 44 00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:36,356 Well, we occasionally get into a little thing. 45 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,533 Yeah, I mean, like we just had that thing with the purse-- 46 00:01:38,575 --> 00:01:40,578 but that was, like, barely even a thing. Yeah. 47 00:01:40,621 --> 00:01:43,189 That was nothing-- I mean, there's no point in even talking about it. 48 00:01:43,233 --> 00:01:44,712 Oh. [gasps] Oh. 49 00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:46,715 Oh. No, you should have that. 50 00:01:46,758 --> 00:01:48,716 No, you should have it.No, you take it. 51 00:01:48,759 --> 00:01:50,021 No, you take it.No, you take it. 52 00:01:50,066 --> 00:01:52,024 I want you to take it.No. Take it. 53 00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:53,287 Look, I want you to have it 54 00:01:53,329 --> 00:01:54,810 'cause it would look good on you. 55 00:01:54,853 --> 00:01:56,463 No, it's madefor you.You... No. 56 00:01:58,073 --> 00:02:00,597 But then we both decided that it was better 57 00:02:00,641 --> 00:02:02,209 if neither one of us bought it. 58 00:02:02,251 --> 00:02:04,298 Yep.The neon yellow purse? 59 00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:05,864 With the strap? Yeah, I've seen that. 60 00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:07,257 It's in your closet. 61 00:02:08,344 --> 00:02:09,389 I wonder how many rubber duckies 62 00:02:09,432 --> 00:02:11,435 needed to die to make that thing. 63 00:02:11,478 --> 00:02:12,740 Uh, Schmidt, you don't know what you're talking about. 64 00:02:12,783 --> 00:02:14,307 I got to run. 65 00:02:14,350 --> 00:02:16,179 Oh... What? 66 00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:17,876 Thank you so much for helping with the baby shower. 67 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,661 You know, you are just the best.No, you're the best. 68 00:02:19,704 --> 00:02:22,185 Whoa.Did I tell you I love your top, by the way? 69 00:02:22,228 --> 00:02:24,056 No. Oh, I just found this in the back of my closet.What's... what's happening? 70 00:02:24,099 --> 00:02:25,406 [whispers]: You said too much. 71 00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:27,189 So, I'll call you later?Definitely. 72 00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,365 Okay. Bye! Bye! 73 00:02:32,063 --> 00:02:34,371 [door closes] 74 00:02:34,414 --> 00:02:36,764 Oh, my God! 75 00:02:36,807 --> 00:02:39,420 What just happened? 76 00:02:39,462 --> 00:02:41,725 That's a girl fight. 77 00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:50,212 Schmidt, stay out of it, man. 78 00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:51,432 Girl fights are dangerous, okay? 79 00:02:51,474 --> 00:02:53,085 I grew up with three sisters, 80 00:02:53,128 --> 00:02:55,043 and I wore a cup until I was 14 years old. 81 00:02:55,086 --> 00:02:56,567 What's wrong? 82 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,222 They planned to wear braids and bows and didn't tell me 83 00:02:59,265 --> 00:03:00,484 on purpose. 84 00:03:00,527 --> 00:03:03,225 There. Now you match. 85 00:03:10,885 --> 00:03:12,843 Well, congratulations on having sisters, 86 00:03:12,888 --> 00:03:14,846 but I know women. You blindfold me, 87 00:03:14,889 --> 00:03:17,240 spin me around and drop me into a rainstorm, 88 00:03:17,283 --> 00:03:18,588 and I'll still find the G-spot. 89 00:03:18,633 --> 00:03:20,242 Schmidt...Let us not forget that I had boobs 90 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:22,245 for the first 19 years of my life. 91 00:03:22,288 --> 00:03:24,508 I grew up as a fat, asexual friend-zoner. 92 00:03:24,551 --> 00:03:26,509 You can't buy that kind of access. 93 00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:28,251 Schmidt, I'm talking about how women act towards other women. 94 00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:30,079 You don't want to get in the middle of that.Coach... 95 00:03:30,122 --> 00:03:31,688 Jess has the purse. I saw it in her closet 96 00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:33,516 when it was rainy and I was bored 97 00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:35,519 and I was feeling snoopy. 98 00:03:35,562 --> 00:03:36,651 COACH: No, no, no...See? 99 00:03:36,694 --> 00:03:38,521 Look-- the purse. 100 00:03:38,566 --> 00:03:40,263 In the immortal words of Tag Team, "Whoop. There it is." 101 00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:43,396 Fine. I went back and I bought the purse, 102 00:03:43,439 --> 00:03:44,832 'cause I love it. 103 00:03:44,876 --> 00:03:47,748 [groans] I love purses. 104 00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,751 And that doesn't mean I'm not a feminist, either. 105 00:03:49,793 --> 00:03:51,752 I'm a damn feminist who loves purses. 106 00:03:51,795 --> 00:03:54,320 Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings? 107 00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,323 In a purse, that's where. 108 00:03:56,365 --> 00:03:58,498 Lena Dunham. 109 00:03:58,542 --> 00:04:00,631 I don't know. I... 110 00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:02,894 Jess, it's a purse. Who cares? Just apologize. 111 00:04:02,937 --> 00:04:05,331 Cece and I have been friends for 20 years. 112 00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:08,465 Do you know why? Because we're passive-aggressive people. 113 00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:10,074 We never confront anything. 114 00:04:10,118 --> 00:04:12,338 That's the way it works with us. It always has. 115 00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:13,861 Hi. 116 00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:15,472 Hi. 117 00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:21,435 And that was one of the worst fights we've ever had. 118 00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,350 And if I bring up the purse, 119 00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:24,959 then everything else comes up with it. 120 00:04:25,002 --> 00:04:26,309 Too many things have happened. 121 00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:28,398 Women have amazing memories. 122 00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:30,182 Because we used to be the gatherers, 123 00:04:30,225 --> 00:04:31,358 and so we had to remember 124 00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:33,663 where all the best berries were hidden. 125 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,187 And Cece and I, 126 00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:39,582 we've hidden berries all across the Great Plains. 127 00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:40,932 Colorado, Kansas, 128 00:04:40,975 --> 00:04:42,237 Montana, 129 00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:44,370 Nebraska-- need I say more? 130 00:04:44,413 --> 00:04:45,675 Coach gets it. 131 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,374 See, Cece and I, we're gonna be fine, 132 00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,331 'cause it's gonna play out the way it always does. 133 00:04:49,375 --> 00:04:50,420 We're not gonna talk for three days, 134 00:04:50,463 --> 00:04:51,334 and then I'll surprise her 135 00:04:51,377 --> 00:04:53,161 with a latte. And then we'll act 136 00:04:53,204 --> 00:04:54,598 like nothing happened.Three days without Cece? 137 00:04:54,641 --> 00:04:56,252 Do I have to spend three days without Cece? 138 00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:58,209 Yes. I don't trust you around her. 139 00:04:58,254 --> 00:05:00,211 She makes you weak and penis-dumb. 140 00:05:00,255 --> 00:05:02,040 Three days without Cece? Why don't you just 141 00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:05,129 replace my shoes with bags and turn me into a lunatic? 142 00:05:05,173 --> 00:05:07,394 Stay out of it, man.Stay the hell out of it, bro. 143 00:05:07,437 --> 00:05:09,439 Here's a different take: Why don't I spend moretime with her? 144 00:05:09,483 --> 00:05:11,180 Stay out of it. I'm confused. 145 00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:13,050 Now, should I... Are you asking me 146 00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:16,925 to spend more time with her or stay out of it? 147 00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:19,100 Like, for real? 148 00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:26,500 [groans] 149 00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:28,980 I hate this. I hate first dates. 150 00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,372 Me, too. I hate all... 151 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:31,418 I hate the second ones and the third ones 152 00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:32,375 and the fourth ones.Me, too. Yeah. Yeah. 153 00:05:32,418 --> 00:05:34,245 I hate dates. Mm-hmm. 154 00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:35,509 Yeah.The first ones are the worst. 155 00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:37,031 Yeah. 156 00:05:37,074 --> 00:05:38,598 This is terrible.They're terrible. They're awkward. 157 00:05:38,641 --> 00:05:40,382 I feel like I'm being weird.You're not being weird. 158 00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:41,644 Yeah, I am. I'm the weirdo. 159 00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:44,081 I wanted to do this all night. 160 00:05:44,125 --> 00:05:45,387 Oh. 161 00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:47,781 That is so stupid. [laughs] 162 00:05:47,824 --> 00:05:49,783 I hated that I did it. 163 00:05:49,826 --> 00:05:51,394 I feel like I'm being weird, too. 164 00:05:51,437 --> 00:05:53,526 How?I don't know how. Just... 165 00:05:53,569 --> 00:05:54,963 Well, now you are. 166 00:05:55,005 --> 00:05:56,617 These sweaters. I got sweater shoulder. 167 00:05:56,659 --> 00:05:58,487 Now... when you do that, it's very weird. 168 00:05:58,531 --> 00:05:59,533 But before, it wasn't. 169 00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:01,230 Just don't do sweater shoulder. 170 00:06:01,273 --> 00:06:03,666 Please don't tell Tran how bad this is going. 171 00:06:03,711 --> 00:06:04,668 Oh, I will. 172 00:06:04,711 --> 00:06:06,278 Don't. It'll be so embarrassing. 173 00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,324 Yeah.He's probably my best friend. 174 00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,978 Really?Yes. 175 00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,458 You're not his best friend. 176 00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:13,110 [laughing] 177 00:06:13,154 --> 00:06:15,810 That's a terrible thing to say.[laughing] 178 00:06:15,853 --> 00:06:17,507 It's true. 179 00:06:17,550 --> 00:06:20,249 This is going great.Oh, God, I hate this. 180 00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:23,774 I just want to sit around and do nothing, but that is not hot. 181 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:24,906 That's hot to me. 182 00:06:24,949 --> 00:06:26,341 You add some sweatpants 183 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,690 to that, and that is better than porn. 184 00:06:27,735 --> 00:06:29,692 [chuckles] I love porn. 185 00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:33,915 But I like to mute it and come up with my own voices, like, 186 00:06:33,957 --> 00:06:36,439 [deeply]: "Hey, that's a very interesting mesh cat suit." 187 00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:38,920 [high-pitched]: "Thank you. It used to be my grandmother's." 188 00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:40,877 [laughs]Something like that. 189 00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:42,531 Cheers. 190 00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:43,446 Yeah. 191 00:06:44,577 --> 00:06:45,927 That was a weird cheers! 192 00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:47,581 Can we go?! 193 00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:50,409 [laughs]: Yes. Let's get out of here. This sucks! 194 00:06:51,497 --> 00:06:53,803 [laughing, speaking unintelligibly] 195 00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,326 So cute. 196 00:06:55,370 --> 00:06:57,634 Yeah, it's like they're made for each other. 197 00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:04,293 They haven't moved in three days. Very weird. 198 00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:05,860 Alarming, even. 199 00:07:05,903 --> 00:07:08,297 Wait, doesn't she work or...? 200 00:07:08,339 --> 00:07:09,603 Shouldn't you be studying? 201 00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:10,821 Or live somewhere? 202 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,257 Shouldn't you be studying? 203 00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:14,608 Or have worried loved ones? Studying? 204 00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:16,478 Coach, this is gonna take some serious 205 00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:18,394 investigative police skills. 206 00:07:18,437 --> 00:07:20,526 But I'm onto her. 207 00:07:20,569 --> 00:07:22,485 I didn't know girls could be so slovenly. 208 00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:23,834 I did. I have sisters. 209 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:24,922 Oh, my God, we know. 210 00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:25,966 [grunts] 211 00:07:26,009 --> 00:07:29,317 We cool?We cool. 212 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:33,930 Oh. Just who I was looking for. 213 00:07:33,975 --> 00:07:36,367 Hey. How would you like a piping hot latte? 214 00:07:36,411 --> 00:07:38,413 Thanks, Jess, but, you know, I, um... 215 00:07:38,457 --> 00:07:40,677 I can buy my own. 216 00:07:49,990 --> 00:07:51,514 What did you do? 217 00:07:53,776 --> 00:07:55,909 Is this about the socks? 218 00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:00,567 You weren't supposed to talk to Cece. What happened? 219 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,089 Well, I had to see her. 220 00:08:02,132 --> 00:08:03,918 I can't go three days without seeing Cece. 221 00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:06,485 [exhales] And it went just like you said it would. 222 00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:09,184 I'm gonna go get the purse. 223 00:08:09,226 --> 00:08:10,750 She played me like John Popper plays that 224 00:08:10,793 --> 00:08:11,925 little harmonica and fiddle thing. 225 00:08:11,968 --> 00:08:13,536 Ugh! She's like a robot scientist. 226 00:08:13,579 --> 00:08:15,755 And you're like a damn robot. 227 00:08:15,798 --> 00:08:18,672 And usually it's cute, except when you're robbing me. 228 00:08:18,714 --> 00:08:21,151 Jess, I'm sorry. So... What-What happens now? 229 00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:23,240 You bring her another coffee and you guys make up? 230 00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:24,939 I don't know what happens now. 231 00:08:24,981 --> 00:08:27,768 We're in unchartered territory 'cause you got involved. 232 00:08:27,810 --> 00:08:28,769 We're entering the abyss. 233 00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:30,204 It's like the month I decided 234 00:08:30,247 --> 00:08:32,686 not to wear a bra. Those were dark times. 235 00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:35,427 I had no support. Literally no support. 236 00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:36,864 [phone chimes] 237 00:08:38,648 --> 00:08:39,909 [scoffs] 238 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:42,783 Cece just texted me a smiley face. Is that bad? 239 00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:45,828 No, she just texted me the world's first good smiley face. 240 00:08:45,873 --> 00:08:48,831 I'm gonna text her [chuckles] a yellow heart. 241 00:08:48,875 --> 00:08:52,009 No, uh, yellow heart, whale, 242 00:08:52,052 --> 00:08:53,967 thumbs up. 243 00:08:54,010 --> 00:08:55,751 Well, that seems nice.[gasps] 244 00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:59,408 How dare she? Chinese man, ballerina, apartment building? 245 00:08:59,451 --> 00:09:00,451 What does that mean? Fine! 246 00:09:00,495 --> 00:09:02,279 Poop. Turban guy. Granny. 247 00:09:02,323 --> 00:09:04,020 Don't text her poop. [gasps] 248 00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:06,937 Explosion, monkey-see? You want to play dirty? Fine. 249 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,634 Slice of cake. Turtle. 250 00:09:08,677 --> 00:09:09,852 Don't sen... Oh.[gasps] 251 00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:11,812 Double syringe? 252 00:09:16,337 --> 00:09:17,730 Double syringe. 253 00:09:17,774 --> 00:09:19,036 You're right, Schmidt. 254 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,995 Maybe it's time to dig up some berries. 255 00:09:22,038 --> 00:09:25,520 The gatherers have become the hunters. 256 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,567 Be well. 257 00:09:28,741 --> 00:09:30,438 Wh-Where are you... Where are going? 258 00:09:30,481 --> 00:09:32,528 L-Leave those berries be. 259 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,312 Republican or Democrat? West Wing. 260 00:09:34,355 --> 00:09:35,618 What's your favorite thing about America? 261 00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,837 Kentucky women.Favorite part of The Rock? 262 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,404 "Welcome to the Rock."Gorilla or monkey? 263 00:09:40,448 --> 00:09:42,755 Gorilla, hands down.Miranda or Carrie? 264 00:09:42,798 --> 00:09:44,671 Gorilla.That's 100% perfect. 265 00:09:44,713 --> 00:09:45,889 Un-Unbelievable.Thank you. 266 00:09:45,932 --> 00:09:47,760 The battery in the remote control is 267 00:09:47,803 --> 00:09:49,850 getting a little jumpy. I'm gonna go grab one 268 00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:51,111 out of the smoke detector. 269 00:09:51,154 --> 00:09:53,114 That's exactly where I get them. 270 00:09:53,157 --> 00:09:55,638 Isn't she perfect? 271 00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,509 In a word: No. 272 00:09:57,552 --> 00:09:59,467 Nick, you might want to sit down for this. 273 00:09:59,510 --> 00:10:00,643 I'm already sitting. Okay. 274 00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:03,558 Well, look, I put together a profile. 275 00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:04,734 Vague about where she lives. 276 00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,562 Okay. No mention of a job. 277 00:10:06,605 --> 00:10:08,129 Always lets you pay. 278 00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:10,740 Nick, my man, as unbelievable as this sounds, [chuckles] 279 00:10:10,783 --> 00:10:12,524 you're her sugar daddy. 280 00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:15,788 What kind of girl would want me as her sugar daddy? 281 00:10:15,831 --> 00:10:18,792 Only one kind: a homeless woman. 282 00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:20,489 Kai is not homeless. 283 00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:23,360 Nick, I have been watching her for days now, okay? 284 00:10:23,404 --> 00:10:25,101 She... She eats like she doesn't know 285 00:10:25,145 --> 00:10:26,886 where her next meal is coming from. 286 00:10:26,929 --> 00:10:29,149 She always dresses in layers, tons of layers. 287 00:10:29,192 --> 00:10:31,673 She's not homeless. Her grandfather is Tran. 288 00:10:31,717 --> 00:10:33,807 And where does he hang out?A park bench. 289 00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:35,895 I think you're having a nervous breakdown. 290 00:10:35,938 --> 00:10:37,811 I really do. 291 00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:40,552 You're nuts. You want to avoid studying so much 292 00:10:40,596 --> 00:10:43,817 that you're making up lies about my new lover friend. 293 00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,644 Just leave us alone. 294 00:10:47,298 --> 00:10:48,951 Maybe you should... maybe you should give her 295 00:10:48,995 --> 00:10:51,389 our can opener. Everybody gives bums cans, 296 00:10:51,432 --> 00:10:53,043 but they can't open them cans. 297 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,914 How are they gonna open the cans, Nick? 298 00:10:54,957 --> 00:10:56,046 Hey... 299 00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:58,527 What are you... [stammers] 300 00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,094 Do you want a blanket? 301 00:11:00,136 --> 00:11:03,836 I must have fallen asleep reading. 302 00:11:03,879 --> 00:11:06,100 Nap with me. Okay. 303 00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:07,754 Come on. [chuckles] 304 00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:14,803 Just... gonna get some of these newspapers. 305 00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:27,381 It's actually kind of nice. 306 00:11:27,424 --> 00:11:29,340 See? 307 00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:31,951 More pink lemonade? 308 00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:34,389 I'm going to name baby... 309 00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:37,870 Baby, because it's funny. [giggles] 310 00:11:37,913 --> 00:11:40,830 [chuckles] 311 00:11:42,004 --> 00:11:44,615 Where is top of baby cage? 312 00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:48,010 Double syringe? 313 00:11:48,054 --> 00:11:50,534 Hey, you. How's pee-pee? [giggles] 314 00:11:50,578 --> 00:11:51,754 Oh, hello, Nadia. 315 00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,799 Coach, I need you. Jess and Cece 316 00:11:53,842 --> 00:11:55,626 are in a thing, and it is terrifying. 317 00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:58,020 I'm pretty busy, but, all right, hold on, let me 318 00:11:58,065 --> 00:12:00,023 put down the stuff I've been working on. 319 00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:01,677 [grunting softly] 320 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,113 Coach, 321 00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:04,941 I am at the baby shower. 322 00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,551 You're at the... What? 323 00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:07,988 Are you dumb? You're dumb. 324 00:12:08,030 --> 00:12:09,684 You're very dumb. Get out of there. 325 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,339 I panicked. I didn't know what else to do. 326 00:12:11,381 --> 00:12:13,557 I thought I could fix this. I gave Cece the purse. 327 00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:14,864 Obviously, it was a mistake. 328 00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:15,951 Oh, God, look at them. 329 00:12:15,995 --> 00:12:17,432 They're like silent, angry 330 00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:20,043 statues right now-- it's terrifying and als... 331 00:12:20,086 --> 00:12:21,523 Maybe a little erotic. 332 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,004 Okay, fine, it's very erotic. 333 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,482 You know what? Coach, I'm telling you-- 334 00:12:25,527 --> 00:12:27,049 I'm finding out that fear 335 00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:29,399 plays a big part in my sexuality. 336 00:12:29,443 --> 00:12:31,140 Schmidt, what happens when two passive-aggressive people 337 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:32,663 start confronting each other? 338 00:12:32,707 --> 00:12:34,578 I don't know. What happens?Anything! 339 00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:36,711 Anything can happen! That's what I'm telling you! 340 00:12:36,755 --> 00:12:38,365 Are you ready for anything to happen? 341 00:12:38,408 --> 00:12:40,149 Obviously not. That's why I'm calling you. 342 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:43,370 Did you wash your hair? It looks really clean. 343 00:12:43,413 --> 00:12:45,328 [women gasp][Jess gasps] 344 00:12:46,068 --> 00:12:47,461 I can help you end this. 345 00:12:47,504 --> 00:12:48,855 Do you know why? 346 00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:51,205 Do you know why? I'm waiting. 347 00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:53,642 Oh, my God, is it because you have sisters? 348 00:12:53,684 --> 00:12:55,948 It's because I have sisters! And you know what that means? 349 00:12:55,991 --> 00:12:57,601 And that you know more about women than me. 350 00:12:57,645 --> 00:12:59,038 I know more about women than you! 351 00:12:59,081 --> 00:12:59,995 And that I'm a little dumb-dumb. 352 00:13:00,039 --> 00:13:02,085 And I'm a big smart-smart. 353 00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,217 Yeah. Now, here's what you're gonna do. 354 00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:05,697 Get big like a bear. 355 00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:07,437 If that doesn't work, pee a circle 356 00:13:07,481 --> 00:13:09,309 around yourself and light it on fire. 357 00:13:09,352 --> 00:13:11,181 I peed before I came-- I had a root beer with lunch. 358 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,488 I'm on my way. Hey, uh, did you bring a gift? 359 00:13:13,530 --> 00:13:15,010 'Cause I don't want to be that guy. 360 00:13:15,054 --> 00:13:16,751 You know, the guy that doesn't bring a gift? 361 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,448 Just get over here.All right, I'm coming. 362 00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:20,974 What? Coach! 363 00:13:21,017 --> 00:13:22,975 Coach, I can't turn the pages! 364 00:13:23,019 --> 00:13:25,673 How am I gonna study if I can't turn the pages? 365 00:13:25,716 --> 00:13:27,327 Coach! 366 00:13:30,765 --> 00:13:32,419 Hey. 367 00:13:32,462 --> 00:13:34,509 [gagging]Great catch. 368 00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:36,466 Kai, I want to go to your place, okay? 369 00:13:36,510 --> 00:13:38,077 Wherever it is. 370 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,123 So don't be afraid, because I'm not afraid. 371 00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:42,517 I know I'm living this rock star life, 372 00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:45,346 but I'm still a man of the people. 373 00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:48,087 But I'm so comfortable. You really want to go outside, 374 00:13:48,130 --> 00:13:50,786 get off this bed into the cold right now? 375 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,701 Look, I like you for you, and... 376 00:13:52,744 --> 00:13:54,355 Well, hell, I just hope, deep down, 377 00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:55,965 you like me for me and not 378 00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:58,097 all the incredible stuff that I have. 379 00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:01,014 Huh?I mean, this room-- 380 00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:02,450 half this stuff is mine. 381 00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:04,755 I'm, like, I have enough pillowcases 382 00:14:04,799 --> 00:14:07,759 for all my pillows, plus an extra pillowcase 383 00:14:07,802 --> 00:14:09,283 that I don't even use. 384 00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:11,589 Ticket stubs to all the Bears games 385 00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:13,113 I've ever been to, except for one. 386 00:14:13,155 --> 00:14:15,028 The guitar pick from 387 00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:17,682 that guy who played with James Taylor that one night. 388 00:14:17,725 --> 00:14:19,596 A Frisbee that I'm currently 389 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,599 storing on my neighbor's roof. 390 00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:22,948 You know, an autographed 391 00:14:22,991 --> 00:14:26,168 Karate Kid IIposter from Mr. Miyagi. 392 00:14:26,212 --> 00:14:27,953 R.I.P. Hmm. 393 00:14:27,996 --> 00:14:30,043 But none of that matters. 394 00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:32,610 I want to be with you, wherever you live. 395 00:14:32,653 --> 00:14:34,350 I mean, hell, I've been cooped up 396 00:14:34,394 --> 00:14:35,918 in this palace for long enough. 397 00:14:35,961 --> 00:14:39,139 Wow. Well, if it's that important. 398 00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:41,576 [grunts] [laughs] 399 00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,926 All right. Don't be nervous. 400 00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:48,408 You know what? I'm gonna bring some extra blankets. 401 00:14:48,451 --> 00:14:50,192 Okay. 402 00:14:50,236 --> 00:14:51,977 Okay, just in case it's freezing, 'cause it's outs... 403 00:14:52,020 --> 00:14:53,804 Okay. 404 00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:55,154 JESS: And then, 405 00:14:55,197 --> 00:14:58,027 you told Mike Hannamin I was on my period! 406 00:14:58,071 --> 00:15:00,986 He wanted to know why you were wearing sweatpants in the pool! 407 00:15:01,029 --> 00:15:02,989 Okay, I was defending you! 408 00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:04,947 I have arrived! 409 00:15:04,990 --> 00:15:06,078 Ah, Mr. Stripper. 410 00:15:06,121 --> 00:15:07,557 Okay, so what's next, Jess? 411 00:15:07,601 --> 00:15:09,168 20 years of fights are happening right now. 412 00:15:09,211 --> 00:15:10,735 They're getting into everything. 413 00:15:10,778 --> 00:15:12,823 How I intentionally didn't put gas in your car 414 00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:14,522 on senior ditch day?You did. You did. 415 00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:16,219 I did not! All right, ladies, stop it. 416 00:15:16,263 --> 00:15:19,178 I gave you the money, and you spent it on condoms and taffy. 417 00:15:19,221 --> 00:15:21,136 By the way, that sounds like a hell of a day. 418 00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:22,529 Well, I wouldn't know. 419 00:15:22,572 --> 00:15:24,226 I was stranded on a beach being a virgin! 420 00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:27,230 But that's not the only time I've been stranded, now, is it? 421 00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:28,536 I'm talking about Paris.Oh, this is about Paris! 422 00:15:28,578 --> 00:15:30,145 I'm talking about Paris.I knew it! 423 00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:33,192 We had signed a lease. That's an agreement. 424 00:15:33,235 --> 00:15:36,065 And then you decide to take a modeling job in Paris, 425 00:15:36,109 --> 00:15:37,980 so I had to move in with Spencer? 426 00:15:38,024 --> 00:15:40,634 While you were being squired about the Louvre, 427 00:15:40,677 --> 00:15:45,552 I was having to pee on top of Spencer's pee to conserve water! 428 00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:47,206 You know, it's called mud-sharking, by the way. 429 00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,990 It's not my fault! Stop it! 430 00:15:49,034 --> 00:15:50,557 I'm bored. 431 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:51,863 Here's what you guys are gonna do. 432 00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:52,995 You're gonna punch each other. 433 00:15:53,038 --> 00:15:54,126 Now I'm not bored. 434 00:15:54,169 --> 00:15:56,042 I'm not doing that. What? 435 00:15:56,085 --> 00:15:58,000 I'm not doing that.COACH: Well, you got to do something. 436 00:15:58,043 --> 00:16:00,263 Man up, punch each other and end this. 437 00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,830 [sighs, sniffles]COACH: You got to have it out 438 00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:03,091 so you can get past this. 439 00:16:03,135 --> 00:16:04,615 Now I'm bored again. 440 00:16:04,658 --> 00:16:06,791 Punch each other!Now I'm not bored. 441 00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:07,879 Talk with your fist! 442 00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:10,707 [sighs] I just want my... 443 00:16:10,751 --> 00:16:12,361 [women screaming, shouting] 444 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:13,450 Oh, no! My goodness! 445 00:16:13,494 --> 00:16:15,017 Back off! 446 00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,062 [grunting] 447 00:16:17,105 --> 00:16:18,412 La-Ladies? Oh! 448 00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:20,283 SCHMIDT: It's spreading. 449 00:16:20,326 --> 00:16:21,067 Stop it! 450 00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:22,677 Russian baby shower! 451 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,895 [women clamoring] 452 00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:26,636 [both shouting] 453 00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:28,639 Hey, hey, don't involve us, please.Whoa. Hey, guys, no! 454 00:16:28,682 --> 00:16:31,250 Break it up! Break it up! 455 00:16:31,293 --> 00:16:34,254 Baby shower! Baby shower, yeah! Baby shower! 456 00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:35,864 Oh, stop it! 457 00:16:35,907 --> 00:16:38,171 You stole my babysitter! 458 00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:42,304 What are you doing? 459 00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:43,263 I'm having a situation. 460 00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:45,091 Oh, come on, dude. 461 00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,745 Get off!Fighting for no damn reason with me?! 462 00:16:47,788 --> 00:16:51,183 Come on, just... lie down and take it like a woman! 463 00:16:51,226 --> 00:16:53,620 This is for Mike Hannamin.[groans] 464 00:16:53,663 --> 00:16:56,275 [laughing] [screaming] 465 00:16:56,318 --> 00:16:58,321 Baby kick! Baby like! 466 00:16:58,365 --> 00:16:59,801 Yay! 467 00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:11,900 Do I look pretty? 468 00:17:11,942 --> 00:17:15,121 [both laughing] 469 00:17:15,163 --> 00:17:16,948 Do you feel, like, really good right now? 470 00:17:16,991 --> 00:17:18,993 Yes! I thought I was crazy. 471 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,734 No, you're not crazy. 472 00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:22,737 I think I... I think I wanted 473 00:17:22,779 --> 00:17:24,781 to punch you for a really long time. 474 00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:26,000 Felt that way. 475 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,873 Like, maybe ten or 15 years. 476 00:17:28,916 --> 00:17:30,527 And it feels so good 477 00:17:30,570 --> 00:17:33,095 that right now we don't have to talk everything through. 478 00:17:33,138 --> 00:17:34,749 Yeah. We can just punch it out. 479 00:17:34,791 --> 00:17:36,010 Oh, my God, I have missed you. 480 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,273 [both laughing] 481 00:17:38,317 --> 00:17:40,363 I can't believe I've known you 20 years. 482 00:17:40,406 --> 00:17:43,974 And you're still my favorite person to talk to. 483 00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:48,284 And you're my favorite person to talk to. 484 00:17:49,415 --> 00:17:50,590 I hate not talking to you. 485 00:17:50,634 --> 00:17:52,244 I feel like I've missed everything! 486 00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:53,768 You did miss everything. 487 00:17:53,810 --> 00:17:54,942 So, does Nick have a girlfriend? 488 00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:56,814 Yes. So weird. You okay? 489 00:17:56,857 --> 00:17:58,729 Yes. It's so weird.[laughing] 490 00:17:58,772 --> 00:18:01,602 So, is Nadia going to raise the baby in your apartment? 491 00:18:01,644 --> 00:18:03,951 Yeah, we haven't really talked about that yet. 492 00:18:04,778 --> 00:18:06,388 You should. 493 00:18:06,432 --> 00:18:08,391 [laughing] 494 00:18:08,434 --> 00:18:10,132 Craig Hodges. 495 00:18:10,175 --> 00:18:11,176 Oh! 496 00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:14,180 [phone ringing] 497 00:18:14,222 --> 00:18:16,398 Hello. Nick. Nick, are you okay? 498 00:18:16,442 --> 00:18:18,009 NICK: Winston?Listen, listen, listen, Nick. 499 00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:19,141 Winston.Tell me everything. 500 00:18:19,184 --> 00:18:21,143 Winston, she's rich! 501 00:18:21,186 --> 00:18:22,362 Yeah, she founded some company 502 00:18:22,404 --> 00:18:24,580 that sells fancy water bottles 503 00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:27,627 to rich people to pay for digging wells in Africa. 504 00:18:27,671 --> 00:18:29,368 She sold the company, so now 505 00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:31,153 she works whenever she wants. 506 00:18:31,196 --> 00:18:32,762 It's a scam called consulting. 507 00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:34,374 You see, I knew it. 508 00:18:34,416 --> 00:18:36,027 I knew there was something weird. I was right! 509 00:18:36,070 --> 00:18:38,942 You were wrong about literally everything. 510 00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:40,815 But I knew there was gonna be a twist, though. 511 00:18:40,857 --> 00:18:42,772 Okay, do you realize how much time you've wasted, 512 00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:44,078 and you're not studying? 513 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,560 Sweet Baby LeBron James, I screwed up. 514 00:18:52,042 --> 00:18:53,871 [groans] 515 00:18:53,914 --> 00:18:55,655 Hey, I should probably get going. 516 00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:57,440 I got to get to work. 517 00:18:57,483 --> 00:18:58,615 Yeah, it's karaoke night, 518 00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:00,269 so I got to get there early enough 519 00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:01,791 to break the karaoke machine. 520 00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:04,230 How much will you make tonight? 521 00:19:04,272 --> 00:19:07,015 Ah, it depends how much I drink, but probably about 140 bucks. 522 00:19:12,454 --> 00:19:14,240 What is this? 523 00:19:14,282 --> 00:19:17,939 I raise you to $200. 524 00:19:19,288 --> 00:19:21,898 Now you can stay. 525 00:19:21,942 --> 00:19:24,467 Deal! 526 00:19:24,510 --> 00:19:25,381 Oh. [laughs] 527 00:19:25,424 --> 00:19:26,861 I'm like a boy hooker. 528 00:19:26,903 --> 00:19:28,210 [both laugh] 529 00:19:28,253 --> 00:19:29,471 Thank you. 530 00:19:29,516 --> 00:19:31,125 Are you crying? 531 00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:34,259 Don't look at me. 532 00:19:34,302 --> 00:19:36,435 I want to look pretty. You paid for it. 533 00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:37,698 [both laugh] 534 00:19:37,740 --> 00:19:39,613 Nadia is the one who broke my thing. 535 00:19:39,655 --> 00:19:41,092 Wait, you were serious about that? 536 00:19:41,135 --> 00:19:42,484 Yes. That was her. I'm telling you. 537 00:19:42,528 --> 00:19:44,487 She's going to have to childproof the corners 538 00:19:44,530 --> 00:19:46,794 of her cha-cha before that baby comes out. 539 00:19:46,836 --> 00:19:48,317 Oh, Cecilia. 540 00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:50,884 Thank goodness. Look at you. You're still pretty. 541 00:19:50,927 --> 00:19:51,885 And, Jess, you know, 542 00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:53,278 you-you look the same. 543 00:19:53,322 --> 00:19:54,236 COACH: I'm sorry about making you guys 544 00:19:54,279 --> 00:19:56,499 punch each other.Don't be sorry. 545 00:19:56,542 --> 00:19:58,021 You're so right. Mm. 546 00:19:58,066 --> 00:19:59,414 We've wasted so much time being passive-aggressive. 547 00:19:59,459 --> 00:20:01,503 We learned our lesson.Yeah. 548 00:20:01,548 --> 00:20:03,636 Well, we're very smart.That means a lot. Thank you. 549 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,508 Seriously, if you guys fought like girls, 550 00:20:05,551 --> 00:20:07,380 you'd still be arguing over the fact 551 00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,250 that you recorded football over your Charlie Roseepisodes. 552 00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:11,644 It's all good, man.We're not though. 553 00:20:11,688 --> 00:20:13,385 Mm-hmm, and the girl Schmidt would be like, 554 00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:15,518 "Oh, does Coach just think I'm a pretentious poseur 555 00:20:15,561 --> 00:20:17,390 "who just records things to look smart 556 00:20:17,432 --> 00:20:20,522 "because deep down, I am just terrifyingly insecure 557 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,089 about my intelligence?" 558 00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:23,961 JESS: Yeah, and girl Coach would be, like, 559 00:20:24,005 --> 00:20:25,920 "Does Schmidt think that I'm an uncultured meathead 560 00:20:25,962 --> 00:20:27,487 "who has to rewatch football 561 00:20:27,529 --> 00:20:30,184 because I'm afraid of showing anyone my softer side?" 562 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,359 [clears throat quietly] 563 00:20:31,403 --> 00:20:34,667 [Cece and Jess laugh] 564 00:20:37,147 --> 00:20:38,540 Hey, man. 565 00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:39,846 Oh, hey, Coach. Aw, hey, you. 566 00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:41,326 That's nice. Oh, this? 567 00:20:41,369 --> 00:20:42,849 I-I don't know. Thanks, I guess. 568 00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,939 I'm kind of whatever about it. No. 569 00:20:44,981 --> 00:20:46,332 What do you got there? 570 00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:47,723 Oh, me? Uh, just some sneakers. 571 00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:49,203 [laughs] I hope they're okay. 572 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,944 I don't have an eye for things like you. 573 00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:53,295 Well, yeah, you do. Come on, don't be so hard on yourself. 574 00:20:53,338 --> 00:20:55,340 Your eye is so good. I'm sure they're great. 575 00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:57,430 I... Not that you could look bad in anything really. 576 00:20:57,472 --> 00:20:58,518 [laughs] 577 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,563 [groans] [groans] Son of a... 578 00:21:00,606 --> 00:21:02,086 [groans] Thank you for that. 579 00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:03,913 Yeah, thanks, man.Anytime. 580 00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:06,002 We cool? Yeah, we cool. 581 00:21:06,047 --> 00:21:07,701 [whistles] 582 00:21:07,743 --> 00:21:09,702 Ooh, boy. 583 00:21:09,746 --> 00:21:12,140 How many pages are in this thing? 584 00:21:12,182 --> 00:21:14,446 Darius Miles. Oh! 585 00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:16,536 Hmm. 586 00:21:16,578 --> 00:21:18,015 That's in there? 587 00:21:18,058 --> 00:21:19,930 Jordan. 588 00:21:19,973 --> 00:21:23,455 Massaging is illegal? [groans] 589 00:21:23,499 --> 00:21:25,284 What?! 590 00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:28,287 Got to download a song. 591 00:21:33,291 --> 00:21:36,250 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org