1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,405
Friends, ex-girlfriend,
Winston,

2
00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:06,639
months ago I warned you
that winter was coming.

3
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,208
And for the cold and wretched
days ahead,

4
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:09,977
I stressed our need
to take lovers

5
00:00:10,009 --> 00:00:11,978
and take them quickly.
JESS:
Your head is huge.

6
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,381
(chuckles)
Your hat's

7
00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:14,848
the size of a garbage can.

8
00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:17,050
NICK:
You look great in that hat, man.
What a hunk.

9
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,751
JESS:
You look like Jewish Pharrell.

10
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,420
Th-Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Okay.

11
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:22,021
Now, winter is now here.

12
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:24,425
And I vow that we will not miss

13
00:00:24,457 --> 00:00:28,096
our final opportunity
for sexual realization in 2014.
Did you steal

14
00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:29,562
my belt buckle,
you Silly Billy?

15
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:30,597
Enough out of you, Winston!

16
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,332
Silly Billy? Dude.

17
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,667
If you unzipped your face and
an old white woman popped out,

18
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,036
I would not be shocked.

19
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:37,537
Really?
No.

20
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:39,073
I would.
I would be very surprised.

21
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:40,841
That is why this year
we will not

22
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,509
be celebrating Thanksgiving.

23
00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:44,744
Instead, we will
be celebrating...

24
00:00:44,777 --> 00:00:46,780
Remember last Thanksgiving
when I almost died?

25
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:49,182
(others agreeing, chattering)

26
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,784
...Bangsgiving! We'll be
celebrating Bangsgiving!

27
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:54,787
Why can't you let me just have
this, you guys? Please.

28
00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:57,524
Okay. You've been talking about
this for, like, a week, Schmidt.

29
00:00:57,557 --> 00:00:59,393
We get it. Let's just
pick names already.
Jess,

30
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:01,762
I can't believe that you are
into Bangsgiving.

31
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:04,031
I just want to meet a guy
so I can forget about Ryan.

32
00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:05,599
Just date him, Jess.
'Cause I'm his boss,

33
00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:07,268
and it's against the rules
for me to date him.

34
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:08,801
Just date him. It's a dumb rule.

35
00:01:08,835 --> 00:01:10,603
It's against the rules.
Take the hat.

36
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:13,240
Oh.
Now, whosever name
you pick, that's who

37
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,608
you'll be bringing a date for.

38
00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:16,876
And no date leaves
until everyone is laid.

39
00:01:16,909 --> 00:01:18,278
I just want
to meet a nice fella.

40
00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:19,746
Can I have permission
to send them home

41
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,114
without sex?
No, you do not.

42
00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,483
I think everybody's date
should be able to leave.

43
00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:23,484
NICK:
Yeah, your plan

44
00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:24,885
sounds a little kidnappy.

45
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,085
What's the rule
on that, Winston?

46
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,555
Eh, gray area. We're good.

47
00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:29,989
Winston is in. My man.
And, okay, nobody say

48
00:01:30,022 --> 00:01:32,359
who you picked.
It'll ruin the surprise.

49
00:01:35,027 --> 00:01:36,896
Oh, crap.
You picked me.

50
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,167
No! How'd you know?
And now

51
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,768
you're gonna set me up
with you, aren't you?

52
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,102
Cece, I-I know that this holiday

53
00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:43,971
is a bittersweet memory
for your people,

54
00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:45,639
but, please, do not
take that out on me.
Wrong kind of Indian.

55
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:47,307
Okay, well, I picked you, too,
so I want to re-pick.

56
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:48,609
No re-picking.
And no more telling.

57
00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:51,579
So, listen up, uh,
for whoever picked me,

58
00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:54,314
I just want you to know
that I have really gotten
into feet lately,

59
00:01:54,347 --> 00:01:57,251
so do with that what you will.
No one do anything
with that.

60
00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:59,986
Can I just say
no mustaches?
I'd like someone tall.

61
00:02:00,019 --> 00:02:01,822
She's got to have an ass.
Can I just reiterate
the whole feet thing?

62
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,790
I want to say
who I picked so bad.

63
00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:05,593
I'm looking for a fake redhead.
With a medium-sized neck.

64
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:09,229
I just want
to be slapped around.

65
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:20,106
So, Pearl, I told Winston
that you work at my school.

66
00:02:20,139 --> 00:02:22,342
And, um, Winston is about
to become a cop,

67
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,877
which you've probably
already gathered from the fact

68
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:27,181
that he pinned his badge
to his sport coat.

69
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:28,848
What?
(chuckles)

70
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,651
How did that
get there?

71
00:02:30,683 --> 00:02:31,985
Let me freshen your drink.
(chuckles)

72
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,787
Excuse me a second.

73
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:35,989
(whispering):
Hey, Coach. Coach.

74
00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:37,490
Look at what Jess brought me.

75
00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:38,891
Oh, Pearl?
Yeah, she's great, man.

76
00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:40,394
Hey, come here.
You got something on your face.

77
00:02:40,427 --> 00:02:42,128
Really? What is it? Ow.
It's, like, right...

78
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,129
What were you thinking,
bringing me that girl

79
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,163
from the police academy?

80
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,164
What's wrong with Pepper?

81
00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:46,533
Allow me...

82
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,336
(chuckles)
Arms!

83
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,503
She's jacked, dude.
You should've warned me

84
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,539
you were setting me up with one
of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

85
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,341
I'm sure she's not that bad.

86
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,175
Whoa.

87
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:57,844
Where was she
when I was cracking walnuts

88
00:02:57,877 --> 00:02:59,146
for the stuffing?
Look,

89
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,146
she's fantastic.
She's beautiful.

90
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,048
You're gonna love her.

91
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,181
Now, if you jerks

92
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,584
will excuse me, this Bishop's

93
00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:05,318
got to capture himself a queen.

94
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,653
She's doing push-ups.

95
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,822
For your lady.

96
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,056
Thank you.
Thank you very much, Jess.

97
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:12,425
Pearl, she's...
Yeah, she's great.

98
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,094
What grade does she teach?
Oh, she doesn't teach.
She's the lunch lady.

99
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:20,433
(chuckles)
You said the lunch lady?
Yeah.

100
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:23,871
So where exactly
is this "date" of mine?

101
00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:26,539
All right, I invited Lucy,
like you asked.

102
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:28,008
Your date's name is Geoff

103
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:29,576
and he will be here.
By the way,

104
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:32,111
he spells Geoff with a "G,"
so you know he comes from money.

105
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,581
NICK: Well, I think
the real difference is

106
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,048
crocodiles
are man-eaters

107
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:38,252
and alligators...
What in the bloody hell?

108
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:42,188
Uh, hey, Nick.
What is Tran doing here?

109
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,457
Oh, well,
I picked my own name.

110
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,627
So you said to bring somebody.
So I thought it'd be weird

111
00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:48,194
if I didn't bring someone.
So I just brought Tran.

112
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,763
You brought an old Asian man
to my sex party

113
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,198
so it wouldn't be weird?

114
00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:53,533
Relax.
He didn't come empty-handed.

115
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:57,103
He brought a game.
It's like Thailand Monopoly.

116
00:03:57,137 --> 00:04:00,206
Yeah, all the squares are jail
except for one piece of property

117
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,109
which we all have
to fight each other for.

118
00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:04,243
But don't get caught
in the Red Light District.

119
00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:06,580
This isn't
a freaking game night, Nick.
Okay, chill out.

120
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:09,248
(knocking)
You... You're making a mockery
of this holiday and you know it.

121
00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:10,651
I didn't mean
to make fun of Thailand,

122
00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:12,286
if that's
where you're from even.

123
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:15,222
Hey.
Lucy.

124
00:04:15,254 --> 00:04:17,223
It's so good to see you.
How are you?

125
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,494
Oh, I'm great.
Lucy? Lucy's here
with Schmidt?

126
00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:22,829
Where's my set-up, already?
I'm looking at the menu,

127
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,764
and I see a lot of skirt
but no steak.

128
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:26,634
I think that Coach picked you,
so watch out.

129
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,802
'Cause I'm sure he's gonna bring
one of his clients

130
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:30,771
or weird, like, gym buddies.

131
00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:32,639
(whispering):
Ryan.

132
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,408
What?
Ryan. Ryan.

133
00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:36,909
Ryan-Ryan?
He brought Ryan. Oh, God.

134
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,245
I don't think I can
even look at him,

135
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,913
like, without
getting pregnant.

136
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,981
He just oozes sex.

137
00:04:42,014 --> 00:04:44,617
Good holiday to you!
I've come with biscuits!

138
00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:46,487
(groaning)

139
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:51,759
Hey, hey, hey, Schmidt,
Lucy? I-I used to date Lucy.

140
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,293
Oh, I know, bro.
I met her that day you gave
me the pass to your gym.

141
00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:57,197
Hey, do you have any snacks?!

142
00:04:59,031 --> 00:05:00,800
Yeah, you blew her off. I didn't
think it would be a problem.

143
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,201
Oh, it's a problem.
I'm telling you it's a problem.

144
00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:03,302
And I forbid you
from dating her,

145
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,105
so...
(whistles) cut it off.

146
00:05:05,137 --> 00:05:08,776
Grounds?
The statute of limitation
hasn't expired.

147
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,177
You dated her three years ago

148
00:05:10,209 --> 00:05:11,678
for, like,
two and a half months.

149
00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:14,014
The statute is very specific.
1,000 showers.

150
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,783
After that, no claim.
And if you think

151
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:18,552
I've showered 1,000 times
in the past three years,

152
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:20,286
then you're out of your mind.

153
00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:22,689
Did you ever spend more than $65
on her, not including tip?

154
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,792
It's tough. There were a
lot of coupons involved.
Did you ever watch her dog?

155
00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:26,627
Trick question: she had fish
and I killed them.

156
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,495
You ever get her a gift?

157
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,161
Every time we had sex.

158
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,798
(laughs)
No claim.
(laughs) No claim?

159
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,367
Hi, Nick.
It's been a long time.

160
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:36,002
Lucille.
Great to see you.

161
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:39,305
Do you still like to
eat, uh... popcorn?

162
00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:42,242
I guess so.
Oh, you see that?
I know her foods.

163
00:05:42,274 --> 00:05:44,512
You must
have spoiled her, huh?

164
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,879
You know, if you'll excuse us,
I'm gonna give Lucy the tour.

165
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,180
Come on, Lucy.

166
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:52,720
I'm calling
my penis "the tour."

167
00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:55,154
My tour's more satisfying.

168
00:05:55,187 --> 00:05:58,526
His is all about him.
Mine's about you sometimes.

169
00:05:58,558 --> 00:05:59,860
Hi.

170
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,762
Hi. Uh, thanks
for inviting me tonight.

171
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,197
I-I didn't realize
this was a singles party.

172
00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:06,033
Oh. No. Uh, s-sorry.

173
00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:08,435
Did Coach say that
with a Sean Connery accent?

174
00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:10,603
Did he say "shingles"?
'Cause he was...

175
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:13,774
He actually meant shingles.
Like the... like...

176
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,476
Everybody here
is a-a roofer.

177
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:24,884
Look, the last time
I saw you, I kissed you.

178
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,454
I know that. We both know that.

179
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:29,088
Mm.
But this can't happen.

180
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:30,690
Are we attracted
to each other?

181
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,526
Yes. Do I sing Oasis songs
to myself and pretend

182
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,463
that they were inspired
by your love for me? I do.

183
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:37,598
But my job is to
enforce the rules.

184
00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:39,932
And I love my job. And
I worked hard to get it.

185
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:41,435
So this cannot happen.

186
00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:42,870
Is that why you've locked me
in your bedroom

187
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,538
and undone the top button
on your dress?

188
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:46,574
I didn't undo the t...

189
00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,810
Well, I did.

190
00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:54,447
But that was an accident.
That wasn't for you.

191
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,417
It was for me.

192
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,654
I just need to know that you
will respect the rules

193
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:03,990
and that this
will go no further.

194
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,492
I'll do my best.

195
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,562
Looks like you missed a few.

196
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,663
What?

197
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,235
Okay, I summoned
everyone to the roof

198
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,435
because Bangsgiving is in peril.

199
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:17,805
All of you are focusing
on things

200
00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:19,271
that have nothing
to do with getting laid.

201
00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:21,440
Let us please not repeat
the mistakes that we made

202
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,175
at my Eight Nights
of Hump-akah party.

203
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:25,678
Now, what is
the freakin' problem?

204
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:27,615
Coach did the opposite
of what I asked.

205
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,415
Come on, Jess, you guys
would be great together.

206
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,519
It's a dumb rule,
all right?
Dumb rule.

207
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:32,952
At least he turns you on.
Pepper makes my ding-dong

208
00:07:32,985 --> 00:07:34,687
and my ping-pongs
go into my body.

209
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,423
Can somebody help
me with this keg?

210
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,658
Yeah, sure.
Pepper's got it.

211
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:42,362
(grunts)

212
00:07:42,394 --> 00:07:44,497
What if she doesn't know
her own strength down there, and

213
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:46,634
Be a nightmare.
she mushes it, or,
like, rips it off

214
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,201
and throws it across the room
like a hot dog?

215
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:50,370
That's nothing. Jess brought me
a hot lunch lady.

216
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,372
What am I supposed
to do with that?

217
00:07:52,404 --> 00:07:54,473
Do sex with
the lunch lady.

218
00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:55,875
Wait.
That's obvious.
I have a real...

219
00:07:55,908 --> 00:07:57,711
I know how it sounds.
I know how it sounds,

220
00:07:57,745 --> 00:08:00,012
but she's a... like,
a real lunch lady.
That's hot.
No.

221
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,682
A woman that's willing,
ready and able...
NICK: That's not an issue.

222
00:08:01,714 --> 00:08:03,617
After she has sex with you,
she can put food in your mouth.

223
00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:05,218
That's not a problem at all.
I do have a real problem.

224
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:07,788
Schmidt is trying to sleep with
a woman I've already slept with.

225
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:11,290
Well, at least he has a date,
because mine never showed up.

226
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,192
Geoff is coming! Apparently,
a wild peacock got loose

227
00:08:13,225 --> 00:08:14,862
on the freeway,
and is holding up traffic.

228
00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:17,497
Now, you guys,
we have guests downstairs.

229
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:21,168
And if we don't get back to them
soon, they're gonna get spooked.

230
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:26,774
Um, so, have you always
been from England?

231
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,043
I'm not going downstairs

232
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:31,478
until Schmidt agrees
to not sleep with Lucy.

233
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,980
Okay, yeah, sure. Never!

234
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,682
According to the statute,

235
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:37,084
if you two can't agree,
we take it to a vote.

236
00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:39,152
The winner gets the
girl, the loser

237
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,821
gets five grilled
cheese sandwiches.

238
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:41,989
NICK:
I'll agree to that.
Let's do it.

239
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,823
All right, all those in favor

240
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,726
of Schmidt not sleeping with
Lucy, raise your hand now.

241
00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:47,661
I don't care.
Couldn't care less.

242
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:48,596
Raise 'em up.

243
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,898
Put 'em up.

244
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:52,732
Huzzah! Warning: tonight
things will get loud with Lucy.

245
00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:55,101
But don't worry. I'll have her
jam a sock in my mouth

246
00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:56,604
right before I see angels.

247
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:59,338
Okay, guys, what
about me?
Get your own sock.

248
00:08:59,371 --> 00:09:01,341
No. What am I gonna do
about Ryan?

249
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,009
Just have sex with him.

250
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,878
Look, bang one out,
get it out of your system.

251
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,679
I don't do that.
You should do that.

252
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,181
You should bang one out.
Yeah, makes
the most sense.

253
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,883
What?!
Nothing else has worked,
okay, and the best way

254
00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:12,519
to get over a crush is just
to do something about it.

255
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:16,023
I don't know.
Plus, he's British, so you know
the sex will be weirdly polite.

256
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,591
(with British accent):
Do you mind if I finish now?

257
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:20,360
He doesn't sound
like Oliver Twist.

258
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,294
(British accent):
Do you like that?
Is that good, eh?

259
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:25,197
All right. Here we go.

260
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,600
One-- really? Two-- what?

261
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:29,369
(indistinct British mumbling)

262
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,639
Hey, you like it
when I do it like that, eh?

263
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:32,806
That was spot-on.

264
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,240
All those in favor

265
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:36,176
of Jess doing Ryan,
raise your hand.

266
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,051
(talking quietly)

267
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,753
Oh, he's trying
to mess with me?

268
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:48,087
Here I go.

269
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,893
Cecilia.

270
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,561
No, you cannot
have my beer.

271
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,962
(laughs)

272
00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:57,330
NICK: You think I'm going
after the beer.

273
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:58,765
You okay?
Mm.

274
00:09:58,798 --> 00:10:00,801
Okay, great.

275
00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:03,403
(groans)

276
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,072
(talks quietly)

277
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,673
(phone buzzing)

278
00:10:11,443 --> 00:10:12,913
(gasps)

279
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,847
Happy Bangsgiving.

280
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:16,683
(whispers):
Close the door.

281
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,519
Oh, my God.

282
00:10:20,552 --> 00:10:22,990
Is there nothing
underneath that apron?

283
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:26,625
Just a little white meat
looking for some gravy.

284
00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:29,830
That probably wasn't very sexy.
I shouldn't have said that!

285
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:31,932
No, it was very becoming.

286
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,868
I'm totally confused
about these oven mitts.

287
00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:37,870
How else am I supposed to take
a hot dish out of the oven?

288
00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:40,006
These mitts were a bad idea.

289
00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:45,044
What, uh, got you in the-the,
uh, holiday, uh, sp-spirit?

290
00:10:45,077 --> 00:10:47,715
Well, I like you, you like me.

291
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:51,283
Why don't we just...
bang one out of our system?

292
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,620
Bang one out
of our system?

293
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,623
It sounds really bad.
I get that.

294
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:58,158
And I hear it now,
it sounds awful.

295
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:01,794
But we just bang one
out of our system, and then,

296
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:04,464
we can go back to our strictly
professional relationship,

297
00:11:04,496 --> 00:11:07,134
and I can stop thinking about
you all the time, which I do.

298
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,969
I didn't come here
to bang one out.

299
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,570
Well, you know what I mean.

300
00:11:10,602 --> 00:11:11,839
Look...
I care about you.

301
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:13,373
Well...
Jess, I'm crazy about you.

302
00:11:13,405 --> 00:11:15,743
Ryan, look. Oh, God,
it's so complicated.

303
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,845
Can I just put some pants on
when we talk about this?

304
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,346
It is complicated.

305
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,914
This would have been worth it.

306
00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:23,750
Oh, God. Ryan. Ryan!

307
00:11:23,783 --> 00:11:25,184
Oh, God!

308
00:11:25,217 --> 00:11:26,586
NICK:
Oh! Yeah!

309
00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:28,721
(hooting, whooping
and overlapping chatter)

310
00:11:28,755 --> 00:11:31,423
SCHMIDT:
Oh, no!

311
00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:34,027
Freaking Bangsgiving.

312
00:11:37,629 --> 00:11:40,100
SCHMIDT:
No, I actually put those
in there myself.

313
00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:43,336
I'll tell you, I wouldn't
eat asparagus though.

314
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,537
It makes your pee smell.

315
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:45,437
(laughs)
Mmm.

316
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:50,744
Hey, Cece, I got
that $20 I owe you.

317
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:53,113
It's, uh... it's
in my bedroom.

318
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:55,548
Okay.

319
00:11:55,581 --> 00:11:57,584
Yeah, it's right this way.

320
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:05,258
You're really
sexy for a Jew.

321
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,693
Not now, woman!

322
00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:09,696
Wait. What?

323
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,032
Who needs men?
You don't need a man.

324
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,267
You can lift your
own furniture.
Hey, Pepper.

325
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:17,136
Oh, God.
Oh, my God,
are you okay?

326
00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:20,706
I am so sorry.
You approached my blind spot.
(Coach groans)

327
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,076
Your money's in here somewhere.
Let me just find it, okay?
Oh, great.

328
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,977
Oh!

329
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,446
What's wrong? You hurt yourself?

330
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,315
No. It's just not there.
Uh, let me.

331
00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:29,817
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

332
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,418
Ooh. Ooh,
that feels so good!

333
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:33,753
When I'm looking for your money,
it feels so good.

334
00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:36,456
(laughing):
Oh! I love that!

335
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,225
You're a nasty woman!

336
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,960
'Cause you're making me
give the money to you.

337
00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,394
Nick...

338
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,562
Oh, Cece, you love this!
Getting your money.

339
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,066
What exactly are you
doing right now?
(whispers):
I'm getting your money.

340
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,466
You're definitely
not getting my money.

341
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:48,969
In no world
do you have my money.

342
00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:50,602
I was flirting with you

343
00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:52,672
to give Schmidt a taste
of his own medicine.

344
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,307
Okay? And it's a huge mistake,

345
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:55,942
and insulting to everyone
involved, and I'm sorry.

346
00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:57,443
Yeah, and also, he would never

347
00:12:57,476 --> 00:12:59,245
fall for that at all, okay?

348
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:01,014
You're a dead man,
Miller!

349
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,315
Don't. Don't.

350
00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:03,450
SCHMIDT:
I'll choke you to death.

351
00:13:03,482 --> 00:13:04,750
I'll choke you to death.

352
00:13:04,783 --> 00:13:06,285
CECE:
Barely fighting.

353
00:13:06,318 --> 00:13:07,586
Schmidt, nothing was going on!

354
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,822
He was just trying
to make you jealous.

355
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:10,456
Please. I know that!

356
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,759
He would never hit on you.
You're on my Never List.

357
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:16,196
I know she's on your Never...
Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?

358
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,530
You're pissed at me for bringing
Lucy, and you bring Tran

359
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,667
as a date?
Hey, leave Tran out of this.
He fought in Korea!

360
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,836
I don't know which side,
but I know he's a war hero.

361
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,270
You couldn't find one of
those drunk girls at the bar?

362
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,471
The ones with no
family or friends?

363
00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:27,039
That's your sweet spot, man.

364
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:29,475
I know I could have.
I didn't want to.
Why not?

365
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,312
What kind of woman
have you been sleeping with

366
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,712
since you and Jess broke up?

367
00:13:34,746 --> 00:13:36,950
Terrible ones.

368
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,717
And how does that make you feel?

369
00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:40,620
Terrible.

370
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,322
Then really good.

371
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,290
Expected. Expected.

372
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,125
There you go.
But then,
immediately after, terrible.

373
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:47,961
I'm just gonna put this
out there, but I think

374
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,461
you'd probably rather like
to sleep with someone

375
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,163
who doesn't make you feel
terrible,

376
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:54,234
but you're just a little
afraid of getting hurt again.

377
00:13:55,434 --> 00:13:57,570
No, that doesn't sound right.

378
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,240
You know, growing up,

379
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,375
we had this lunch lady
named Ms. Witten.

380
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:06,413
One day, I cut in line so
I can get extra Tater Tots,

381
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:09,182
and as punishment, she
made me eat the entire tray

382
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,083
in front of her...

383
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:14,086
while she stared at me
for a long period of time.

384
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,157
I'm not sure if you know how
hard that is for a growing boy.

385
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,426
How old were you?
I was 18.

386
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:21,594
(laughs)

387
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:24,764
If it helps, we're called
lunch monitors now.

388
00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:26,865
No one says
"lunch lady" anymore.

389
00:14:26,899 --> 00:14:31,870
Oh. Kind of like how we can't
call little people "shrinkies."

390
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:34,606
Oh. Lunch Monitor
Pearl. I like it.

391
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,749
Excellent form.

392
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,085
You don't have a hard job.

393
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:48,620
So, I saw your
butt earlier.

394
00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:50,389
It's been holding up nicely.

395
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,825
It does the trick.

396
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,863
And I noticed,
uh, Ryan left.

397
00:14:56,895 --> 00:15:00,600
Yeah. Ugh!
It's so embarrassing.

398
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,302
I kind of came onto him,

399
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:06,472
and he told me
he wanted more than just sex.

400
00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:09,576
He wanted more than sex
and that's a bad thing? How?

401
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,278
Well, look, I'm his boss.

402
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:13,712
We could get sued,
and I could get fired.

403
00:15:13,745 --> 00:15:15,748
There's a reason
it's against the rules.

404
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,283
You gotta br... okay.

405
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,985
Remember when we tried to watch
Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

406
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:21,888
Okay, I stick by that--
that kid is not a hero.

407
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,157
All he does is break rules.
What's so great about that?

408
00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:26,893
You're taking Rooney's side.
No one takes Rooney's side.

409
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,495
I'm a vice principal--
Rooney is my people.

410
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:31,097
Ferris hijacks a parade.

411
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:32,599
That is an act of terror.

412
00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:34,334
You want to know what I think,
'cause you're not going

413
00:15:34,366 --> 00:15:35,835
to like it.
What?

414
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:37,803
I don't think this is
about breaking rules.

415
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:39,306
I think Ryan scares you.

416
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:41,841
You like him, and you're
going to have to put yourself

417
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,277
out there again,
and that scares you.

418
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:46,846
But look,

419
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:49,915
life moves really fast.

420
00:15:49,948 --> 00:15:54,953
And if you don't stop and
look around once in a while,

421
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:57,590
you just might miss it.

422
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,859
Is that from Ferris Bueller?

423
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,128
Yes, it is.
Okay.

424
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,595
It's a terrific movie.
All right.

425
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,331
And I delivered it perfectly.

426
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:06,133
It was pretty good.

427
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,471
What are you doing here?

428
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:13,206
You're fired.

429
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,208
(laughs)
Just kidding.

430
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,144
Oh, God.

431
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,115
You left without eating
so I thought, um...

432
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,284
I'd bring you a pie.
Well, most of a pie.

433
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:27,320
The guys ate some of it.
That's a lie.

434
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:30,023
I ate-I ate-I ate a piece
on the way over.

435
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:31,323
I-I ate two pieces.

436
00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:32,625
Three pieces.

437
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,161
Thank you.

438
00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:35,528
You're welcome.

439
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,730
Would you like to come inside?

440
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:38,898
No, um, I came here
to say something

441
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,301
and that is...

442
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,336
I want more, too.

443
00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:48,207
This dish is empty.

444
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,976
Okay. I ate the whole pie.

445
00:16:51,009 --> 00:16:52,845
Look, I don't know
what I'm doing

446
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,181
or where this is going

447
00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:57,250
(sighs)
and I'm scared, but...

448
00:16:57,283 --> 00:17:00,419
it's worth it
'cause it feels big.

449
00:17:00,452 --> 00:17:03,423
And that's why I'm going
to leave right now,

450
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:05,392
and we're going to take it slow.

451
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,701
Wow.

452
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:17,903
Well, tonight is Bangsgiving,

453
00:17:17,936 --> 00:17:19,905
and I have to honor my
American traditions.

454
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,709
And it's my duty
as an American...

455
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:28,548
I think I'm going to stop
being afraid and start dating.

456
00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:31,617
You probably knew
all along, didn't you?

457
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:34,787
If only I could
meet a girl like you, Tran.

458
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,022
Your face, your brain--
throw it in a dress.

459
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,759
Oh, daddy,
I'd be with her forever.

460
00:17:39,791 --> 00:17:41,228
I'm getting off topic.

461
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:43,996
Thanks for the talk.
I feel a lot better.

462
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:46,766
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

463
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,902
Tran, are these all yours?

464
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:51,438
Come on, man.

465
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,105
I thought you were
switching to white wine.

466
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:55,107
How do you think you're going
to get home now?

467
00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:57,777
You're not driving, so how are
you going to get home?

468
00:17:57,809 --> 00:17:59,945
(knocking)

469
00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:01,713
Hey.

470
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,049
Are you Nick?

471
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:08,019
You the guy who's obsessed
with my grandfather?

472
00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:11,691
Grandpaps,
you ready to go?

473
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,798
Hey.
(screams)

474
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:23,001
Ah, ah, ha... hey.

475
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,903
I'm taking off. Um...

476
00:18:24,936 --> 00:18:26,573
sorry I body-slammed you

477
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:28,775
but this doesn't feel like
it's working out

478
00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:30,277
so I don't really want
to waste our time.

479
00:18:30,309 --> 00:18:32,912
Look, Pepper, um...

480
00:18:32,944 --> 00:18:34,181
I think you're beautiful,

481
00:18:34,213 --> 00:18:36,282
and very nice.

482
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,916
I just, uh...

483
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,420
You know, I'm not used to...

484
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,989
dating women that
are stronger than me.

485
00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:45,192
How do you know
that I'm stronger than you?

486
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:46,959
Do you want to arm wrestle?

487
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:48,528
Yeah, like I'm that insecure
that I have to prove

488
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,962
my masculinity by
arm wrestling a girl.

489
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:53,333
(yells)
Come on.

490
00:18:53,365 --> 00:18:54,866
Ready?
Yeah.

491
00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:56,368
One, two, three.

492
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:59,771
(grunting)

493
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,973
(yells)

494
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:04,042
Yes! That's how you do it!

495
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:07,113
That's how it's
uh-uh-uh done!

496
00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:09,348
(moaning)
(giggling)

497
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:12,117
Thank you for
letting me win.

498
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,819
Sure. Anytime.

499
00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:21,327
Well, Lucy left.

500
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:23,496
Turns out she's a bit
of an anti-Semite.

501
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:25,964
Hmm.
Yeah, looks like
we both struck out.

502
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,534
Okay, Schmidt,
there is no Geoff.

503
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:30,537
Come on. But to honest, I'm
kind of glad there isn't.

504
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:31,837
You know,
Thanksgiving should be spent

505
00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:33,873
with the people
that you care about.

506
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,875
Let me get you a beer.

507
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,244
By the way...

508
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,179
you're on my Never List, too.

509
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,588
Hi.

510
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,156
Are you Cece?

511
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,924
I'm Geoff.

512
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:54,192
Um, I'm Schmidt's friend.

513
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:55,394
I'm sorry I'm late.

514
00:19:55,427 --> 00:19:57,497
I hit a peacock on my way here

515
00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:00,532
and then I held it in my arms
until it died.

516
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,702
It was horrible,
but also kind of uplifting.

517
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:06,272
Um, anyway,
I brought creamed spinach.

518
00:20:08,907 --> 00:20:11,743
(speaking Hindi)

519
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:18,718
* It takes time

520
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:23,256
* You worry too much
(panting)

521
00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:25,958
(panting continues)

522
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:29,362
* All those sunny days

523
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:32,030
(grunts)
Yeah! (laughs)

524
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:36,702
* You worry too much

525
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,037
There's my number.
Gr...

526
00:20:38,069 --> 00:20:40,072
Tran! Hey, would you
hit that. Maybe...

527
00:20:40,105 --> 00:20:41,708
Yeah.

528
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:46,244
* 'Cause nothing is real

529
00:20:47,513 --> 00:20:51,083
* When you're all alone

530
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:57,457
* 'Cause nothing is real

531
00:20:57,490 --> 00:21:00,393
* My mother told me so

532
00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:02,795
* Don't let the sun kiss
your lips *

533
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:05,998
* She knows all of the tricks

534
00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:08,300
* Let the sun
kiss your lips... *

535
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:09,836
Ed Rooney.

536
00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:11,837
CAMERON (over phone):
Hi. This is George Peterson.

537
00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:13,640
How are you today, sir?

538
00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:16,142
JESS (groans in frustration):
It's not him, Rooney.

539
00:21:16,174 --> 00:21:22,013
This movie should be called
The Day Rooney Tried to Do
His Job.

540
00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:25,050
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org