1 00:00:01,869 --> 00:00:03,704 I can't. I can't do it. 2 00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:06,339 Oh, of course you can and you will. 3 00:00:06,373 --> 00:00:10,044 Okay, Schmidt, we've been to 11 weddings in a row. 4 00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:11,711 That's too many weddings. 5 00:00:11,744 --> 00:00:13,946 I can't even get into the fridge anymore. 6 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,687 Aah! 7 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,089 I'm so hungry. 8 00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,824 Why does everybody get to have a party 9 00:00:23,856 --> 00:00:25,559 for everything in their life? 10 00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:27,094 Why can't I have a party 11 00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:28,995 for really dedicating myself to knitting this summer? 12 00:00:29,028 --> 00:00:30,931 God, I hate that you knit. I hate everything about it. 13 00:00:30,963 --> 00:00:33,667 Why? It makes me angry and scared all at the same time. 14 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,002 Just like when I hear the phrase, 15 00:00:35,034 --> 00:00:37,371 "Academy Award Winner Anna Paquin." 16 00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:39,439 Jessica, you are going to this wedding. Well... well... 17 00:00:39,472 --> 00:00:41,509 And I'm gonna tell you why: sexual intercourse. 18 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:42,710 Do you remember that? 19 00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,545 You got to get back out there, Jess. 20 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,380 The last mouth that you kissed 21 00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:47,381 was Nick's mouth. 22 00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:48,682 That was four months ago. 23 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,085 Think about that. That's horrible. 24 00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:52,719 Hey. Is Schmidt making fun of me? 25 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:53,786 Yes. Hi, Nick. 26 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:54,787 Okay, cool. Just checking. 27 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:56,289 Are you wearing tap shoes? 28 00:00:56,323 --> 00:00:57,225 I got 'em at the Goodwill. I thought they were 29 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:58,192 just really shiny dress shoes. 30 00:00:58,225 --> 00:00:59,058 (clicking) 31 00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:00,694 They're cool. 32 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,130 COACH: Hey, what do you guys think 33 00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:04,097 about this belt? Like for a wedding gift? 34 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,465 Nick, Coach, get in here. 35 00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:06,799 Everybody in here. 36 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:08,736 Are we a man down? 37 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,237 I feel like there's one more of us. 38 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,772 Something going on in Jess's room?! 39 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:12,972 I'm coming! 40 00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:14,942 (moans) 41 00:01:14,974 --> 00:01:17,043 Just wait for me. 42 00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:19,280 He's sore from Police Academy. I'm sore from Police Academy! 43 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:22,783 Okay, we have gone to wedding after wedding this summer, 44 00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:25,118 and, with the exception of Coach and myself, 45 00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:27,221 none of us have truly taken advantage 46 00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,823 of the sexual opportunities that a wedding provides. JESS: Not true. 47 00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:33,793 Wedding number seven, an unneutered dog ran after me, 48 00:01:33,826 --> 00:01:34,895 so... (scoffs) 49 00:01:34,927 --> 00:01:35,496 I made out with a bridesmaid. 50 00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:36,829 JESS: You did? Yes. 51 00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:38,231 She was wearing a hospital bracelet 52 00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:39,633 and carrying a dead goldfish in a bag. 53 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,402 (snorts) She was still a bridesmaid. 54 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,569 COACH: She looked like the snowman from Frozen. 55 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,138 Hey, aim for the middle. 56 00:01:44,171 --> 00:01:46,473 The ride's rough at first, but the body adjusts. 57 00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:47,341 (thud, clattering) 58 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,475 I'm all right! 59 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:49,409 I just rolled off the couch. 60 00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:50,843 Winston, please! 61 00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:53,646 I can't close my ass! 62 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,183 We are hooking up tonight, all five of us, 63 00:01:56,216 --> 00:01:58,252 including the gimp. 64 00:01:58,286 --> 00:01:59,520 This is the last wedding of summer, 65 00:01:59,552 --> 00:02:01,087 which means it is our last chance. 66 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,656 Nobody meets anybody in fall... No. 67 00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:05,159 or winter. What, are you gonna gamble 68 00:02:05,192 --> 00:02:07,828 on the unknown contents of a bulky sweater? 69 00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:10,330 Not me. 70 00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:11,532 Do you realize how important this is? 71 00:02:11,564 --> 00:02:12,532 I do. 72 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:15,868 Winter... is coming. 73 00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:19,507 No one comes home alone. 74 00:02:19,539 --> 00:02:21,175 You know what, yeah. 75 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:22,943 Yeah, I'm in. 76 00:02:22,975 --> 00:02:24,277 She's in. We're all in. 77 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:25,212 Yeah. Yes. 78 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,280 I'm in. 79 00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:27,181 I can't hear what's going on, 80 00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:28,382 but I'm in. 81 00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:30,717 All five of us out there together, 82 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:31,985 in the wild, 83 00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:34,555 getting some strange, like a sex fist. 84 00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:35,989 I'm sorry, what? Mm, that's not what you mean. 85 00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:36,856 What's a sex fist, now? 86 00:02:36,889 --> 00:02:38,125 One, two, three, four, 87 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,993 five of us, together, make a fist. 88 00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:42,396 You're making a mistake right now. Schmidt, Nick, 89 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:44,664 Coach, Winston, Jess-- sex fist. 90 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,667 When you put them all together, NICK: No, that's not right. 91 00:02:46,699 --> 00:02:48,301 tearing our way through the reception. 92 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,570 Slow down. Are you listening to what you're saying? 93 00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:52,206 (Coach and Nick muttering) Isn't that sweet? It's a metaphor for togetherness. 94 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,706 It could just be a fist. All five of us 95 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,709 sex-fisting our way... 96 00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:57,844 * Who's that girl? 97 00:02:57,877 --> 00:03:00,381 * Who's that girl? * * It's Jess. 98 00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:06,986 Hi, everybody. Uh, I'm Ted. I'm, uh... 99 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,223 I'm Mark's best friend and his best man. 100 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:12,192 I-I've known Mark since he was in diapers, you know? 101 00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:15,663 Uh, and, by that, I mean junior year of college. 102 00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:17,598 (laughter) 103 00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:20,433 Ah, what about him, Jess? 104 00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:22,002 What? The best man? 105 00:03:22,034 --> 00:03:22,870 Best man. 106 00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:24,170 Get real, you clown. 107 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,906 I've been out of the game too long. 108 00:03:25,938 --> 00:03:27,375 He's a wedding celebrity. 109 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:28,709 Everybody say hi to Nana. 110 00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:29,676 How great does Nana look, everybody? 111 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,944 Give it up for Nana. 112 00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:33,212 Six months sober. 113 00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:34,281 (laughter) 114 00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:36,115 I'm kidding. Three months. 115 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,085 (laughter) 116 00:03:38,117 --> 00:03:39,520 Jess, come on. Get in there. 117 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:40,888 What? You got this. 118 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,188 Think so? Yes, you got the bangs parted. 119 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,022 You're looking good. 120 00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:44,258 Really? Yes. 121 00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:46,727 Okay. Wait a minute. Hold on. 122 00:03:46,759 --> 00:03:48,961 Stick your boobs out. Gotta turn the headlights on. 123 00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:50,698 Ew! Schmidt. 124 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:51,531 But you got it. 125 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:52,865 Sex fist. 126 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,301 All right. 127 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,569 Hi. 128 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,038 Hi to you. 129 00:03:58,070 --> 00:03:59,139 (chuckles) 130 00:03:59,171 --> 00:04:00,307 I'm Coach. 131 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,475 Oh, my God. 132 00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:04,144 You don't remember me? 133 00:04:04,176 --> 00:04:05,746 Yeah... 134 00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:06,947 Yeah, I remember... (yells) 135 00:04:06,979 --> 00:04:08,816 Ooh... Ooh... 136 00:04:08,848 --> 00:04:11,050 I'm good. COACH: It's the end of the wedding season. 137 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,453 We've got some repeats. 138 00:04:12,485 --> 00:04:14,555 Oh, God. What is she doing here? 139 00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,255 I thought she was in Australia. 140 00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,257 How do I look? 141 00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:18,625 How-how Jewish? 142 00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:19,992 I mean, like, good Jewish or bad Jewish? 143 00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:21,428 Oh, I won't say-- it feels like a trap. 144 00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:23,663 Come on. Come with me. 145 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,466 I haven't told the guys 146 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,735 that you broke up with Buster yet, 'cause, um... 147 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,336 I feel like I might have to tell Schmidt 148 00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,071 outside a hospital, 149 00:04:31,103 --> 00:04:32,740 like, you know, when you give a baby 150 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,141 peanut butter for the first time? 151 00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:35,643 Yeah. 152 00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:37,276 You're not doing this tonight. 153 00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:39,146 What? You're not doing this tonight. 154 00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:40,413 I'm not listening to you. You're not doing this tonight. 155 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:41,247 I'm picturing Cece naked. 156 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,249 Stop doing this! 157 00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:44,016 Cece has a boyfriend, 158 00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:45,418 and your obsession with her 159 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,321 is not good for you, man. 160 00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:48,855 She's been away all summer, 161 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,858 and you have been killing it! 162 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,492 Mostly hand stuff. 163 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:53,761 Who had sex with a bridesmaid 164 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,995 on a 45-minute flight to San Jose? 165 00:04:56,028 --> 00:04:57,331 Me. 166 00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,665 You were boarding group "D." 167 00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,600 She was "B." How's that even possible? 168 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,370 Gotta think outside of the box, my man. Now get your little 169 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,271 white butt back out there 170 00:05:04,303 --> 00:05:07,107 and finish the summer of sex that you started. 171 00:05:07,139 --> 00:05:08,175 That's what I'm talking about. 172 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,377 Cece gone. 173 00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,677 See that bridesmaid right there? 174 00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:11,512 The pretty one? SCHMIDT: Sure do. 175 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,012 The foxy lady? Mm-hmm. 176 00:05:13,045 --> 00:05:14,146 Well, you're going home with her tonight. 177 00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:15,483 And I got your back. Look at that. 178 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:16,384 She looks like the girl from the commercial 179 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:17,951 playing tennis with a tampon in. 180 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,086 Let's do it. 181 00:05:21,053 --> 00:05:22,055 Hi. I'm Jess. 182 00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:22,855 Hi. I'm Ted. 183 00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:25,158 Cheers. Cheers. 184 00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:26,394 So you're from Wisconsin... (voice squeaks) 185 00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:27,560 (clears throat) 186 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,196 (coughs) 187 00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:30,730 I'm sorry. Is this thing on? 188 00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,298 You're making your throat like a microphone. 189 00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:33,533 Yeah. (goofy, raspy cough) 190 00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:34,367 That's funny! 191 00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:35,636 Thank you. Yeah. 192 00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:37,571 WOMAN: I loved your speech. Oh. 193 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,338 Hi. I'm Kat. Hi. 194 00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:41,207 I'm Ted. KAT: Really nice to meet you. 195 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,076 Yeah. Oh. 196 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,377 Excuse me. 197 00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:46,379 My girlfriend's getting jealous. 198 00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:49,048 KAT: Perfect specimen. 199 00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:55,187 Ted is the only eligible guy here, 200 00:05:55,221 --> 00:05:57,356 and we are his two best options for procreation. 201 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:59,225 Oh. I'm not trying 202 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:00,761 to intimidate you, 203 00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:02,430 I just want you to know who you're dealing with 204 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:03,863 if we're both gonna compete for this man tonight. 205 00:06:03,896 --> 00:06:05,833 What? Here are the facts: 206 00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,367 I am technically a genius, 207 00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:08,836 I have a photographic memory 208 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,403 and I lost my virginity to Malcolm Gladwell. 209 00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:11,872 Okay... 210 00:06:11,904 --> 00:06:14,173 Have you ever heard of Plutoxic Syndrome? 211 00:06:14,206 --> 00:06:15,675 That's because I cured it. 212 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,076 You're welcome, vaginas everywhere. 213 00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,779 (goofy voice): Oh, thank you very much. 214 00:06:20,613 --> 00:06:22,949 I'm sorry, that was... 215 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,752 vagina voice, and a... 216 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,019 it was a huge mistake. 217 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,588 I stay current on sporting events. 218 00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:29,523 I watch 30 minutes of porn every night 219 00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:31,358 just to stay up to date on the latest sex trends. 220 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,860 In the coming months, I'm predicting 221 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,293 a throwback to missionary. 222 00:06:34,326 --> 00:06:36,295 It all depends on what happens in Syria. 223 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:37,764 Well, have you ever had sex 224 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,231 when you were really, really, really, really, 225 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,367 really, really tired? I'm never tired. 226 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,235 I'm the better choice of mate. 227 00:06:43,269 --> 00:06:45,305 From a purely biological standpoint, 228 00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,606 you're shorter, weaker, and dumber. 229 00:06:46,639 --> 00:06:48,608 No offense. I love those shoes. 230 00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:52,713 I love your shoes. 231 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,781 But I love your shoes. 232 00:06:54,814 --> 00:06:56,216 Your shoes. 233 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,750 No, I love your shoes. Your shoes. 234 00:06:57,784 --> 00:06:59,218 Your shoes. (very quiet): Your shoes. 235 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,053 (whispering): Your shoes. 236 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,889 (no voice) 237 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,826 What? I was just moving my mouth. 238 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,798 So you're competing with her? JESS: I can take her down, 239 00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:13,901 because I have something she doesn't have: 240 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,002 you guys. 241 00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:16,737 Now, strategies. 242 00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:18,004 What about you, Coach? 243 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,172 You hook up at weddings all the time. 244 00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,507 What's your strategy? 245 00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:21,841 It's called being a gorgeous black man 246 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,511 with the body of an action figure. 247 00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:25,245 I could give that a try. 248 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,279 (laughing) NICK: You want to know what your ex-boyfriend 249 00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:28,516 thinks you should do to get the guy? 250 00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:30,016 No, I don't. That's super weird. 251 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,819 Yeah, it's too weird, so... somebody else. 252 00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:33,420 Okay, look, babe, just get out on the dance floor, okay? 253 00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:36,088 Guys think that they way you dance is the way you have sex. 254 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:38,158 Okay. So just give them a little something, okay? 255 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:40,026 You just need to, like, roll your body a little bit. 256 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,161 Something a little sexy. 257 00:07:42,194 --> 00:07:43,697 Pop your hip out a little bit. 258 00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,098 Hey, man, I'm not gonna lie to you right now. 259 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,500 I've got a halfie. Okay, we got to go! 260 00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:48,668 Excuse me, everybody! I need a minute. 261 00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:50,838 What do you think of this? 262 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,207 Mm... hmm... 263 00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:57,877 Mm-mm. 264 00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,547 I'm good to go now. 265 00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,281 Let's go! All right. 266 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,983 Ugh! 267 00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,651 I just want to get back out there, 268 00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,887 but I feel like I forgot everything I knew. 269 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,290 Do you guys still like an Oakland face with an L.A. booty? 270 00:08:10,322 --> 00:08:12,192 Would you like to know my strategy, Jess? 271 00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,360 Is the art of seduction really where you shine? 272 00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,196 Be there. 273 00:08:16,228 --> 00:08:17,297 (laughs): That's it? 274 00:08:17,329 --> 00:08:19,832 Yeah. Just be there. 275 00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:21,869 No matter where he goes, be there. 276 00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:23,202 He gets a drink, be there. 277 00:08:23,235 --> 00:08:24,805 He talks to his friends, be there. 278 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,807 At the end of the night, be there. 279 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,475 It's called "The Joe Biden." 280 00:08:28,507 --> 00:08:29,976 That's creepy, man. 281 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,043 The basic concept of what he's saying, though, 282 00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:32,044 could actually work. 283 00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,179 Yeah. 284 00:08:33,212 --> 00:08:34,480 (quiet laugh) 285 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,716 I'm gonna Biden his ass. 286 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,317 Mm-hmm. 287 00:08:38,350 --> 00:08:41,087 Oh, yeah. Yup. That'll do it. 288 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,755 I know. 289 00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:44,692 Oh, hey! Uh, you know, 290 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:47,427 Kat was just telling me about her hairlessness. 291 00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:48,995 Hmm. She's like a seal. 292 00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:51,063 (laughs) Hmm. That's okay. 293 00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:53,066 You guys talk. 294 00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:56,068 I'm just gonna be here. 295 00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:57,370 I'm sorry I didn't call you. 296 00:08:57,403 --> 00:08:59,538 Why are you so scared of intimacy? 297 00:08:59,572 --> 00:09:02,109 Who broke your heart and why haven't you forgiven her? 298 00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:04,510 Uh... well... Yeah, the thi... 299 00:09:04,543 --> 00:09:05,745 Huh? 300 00:09:05,778 --> 00:09:07,447 You're arrogant, you're sexist... 301 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,015 You stole my phone charger. 302 00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,918 You're conceited. You're a liar. 303 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,085 Aah! 304 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,120 I rented Best Man Holiday. 305 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,121 You're not in it. 306 00:09:17,289 --> 00:09:19,359 So, you know Tom... 307 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:23,363 uh, Tom, of course, he wanted to sell shoes for a profit. 308 00:09:23,395 --> 00:09:24,965 And I said, "No." 309 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,133 I said, "You... 310 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:29,135 you do something better." 311 00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:33,039 You got a... pretty good face. 312 00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,643 So, you guys want to come home with us, right? 313 00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:37,911 We want to do a four-way. 314 00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:40,013 Me, her, you and him. 315 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:43,082 Of course. We'll, uh... Nick? 316 00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:44,150 (knocks) 317 00:09:44,183 --> 00:09:45,818 Nick?! 318 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:50,256 Hi. How are you? Hi. Good. How are you? 319 00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:53,626 Are you enjoying the wedding? Yeah. 320 00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,562 You be... Yeah. 321 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:59,298 * Mm...! Mmm... 322 00:09:59,331 --> 00:10:00,500 Mm! 323 00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:02,735 Hey. 324 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,504 Hey, Nick. Hey, Schmidt. 325 00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:07,407 Hey, do you know how they sell ice cream at the drugstore...? 326 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,643 I'm not having a four-way with you-- end of discussion. 327 00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:11,110 Come on, Nick. We don't have any other choice. 328 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,113 I've found 15 other girls since I've been here. 329 00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:15,916 They're all either married or taken or mad at Coach. 330 00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:17,417 I'm not doing a four-way with you... 331 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,652 It's the last helicopter out of Saigon, my man. 332 00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:20,187 Charlie won. 333 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,855 No, Schmidt. You won't even know it's me, Nick. 334 00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:24,456 Look, at this point, it's all skin and shapes... 335 00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:25,759 That's-that's what I'm afraid of. 336 00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:26,826 It-it's the fog of war, man. 337 00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,495 There's so much stuff going on. 338 00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:29,996 You're just, you're just, you're just here. Yeah... 339 00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:31,130 You don't even know what's happening. 340 00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:32,432 Okay, but I want to know what's happening 341 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,966 if it's with sex-- I don't want some 342 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,969 fog of war on top of me, if it looks like you. 343 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:37,437 That's the point. 344 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,938 The fog of war is something you can't see through. 345 00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,440 Like, the whole thing with the Charlie thing 346 00:10:40,472 --> 00:10:41,942 and Vietnam, I don't know who I'm fighting! 347 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,311 I'm soft like a lady. You won't even know. 348 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,513 But what if I get a surprise? "A surprise"? 349 00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:49,048 What if there's a surprise on me? There's not gonna be a surprise on you. 350 00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:50,984 What if I'm fighting the war and boom-- there's a surprise! 351 00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:52,318 You go north, I go south. 352 00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:55,022 Do you know what I'm saying? 353 00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:56,523 I'll be in steerage and I'm rowing. 354 00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,692 And I'm rowing and I'm rowing and the.... 355 00:10:58,725 --> 00:11:00,059 You're up in the crow's nest. 356 00:11:00,092 --> 00:11:01,394 Fre-fresh air up there, man. 357 00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:03,062 And I'm in the trenches, you know? 358 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,230 I'm digging for coal. 359 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:05,698 I'm breathing in those fumes. 360 00:11:05,732 --> 00:11:07,067 And you're up here. You're just taking 361 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,201 in the sights. You're spotting dolphins, huh? 362 00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,671 You're just the handsome prince covered in salty sea spray... I don't want 363 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,573 you calling me handsome before a potential four-way! 364 00:11:14,606 --> 00:11:15,842 This... 365 00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,144 Nick, please! 366 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,077 I'm begging you for this. 367 00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:19,245 Cece is here. 368 00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:20,580 And I can't get her out of my head. 369 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:21,815 Don't, don't, don't play the Cece card 370 00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,082 right now, don't do... 371 00:11:23,115 --> 00:11:24,817 I'm gonna play the Cece card, okay? 372 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:27,220 Look, she's here and I don't want to go home alone. 373 00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:29,422 (groans) I need your help, please. 374 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:32,558 (grunts loudly) 375 00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:34,394 What's up, guys? 376 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,863 Tell you what. I am so sore 377 00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:37,831 I can't have sex with nobody tonight. 378 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:41,201 Only thing I want in my mouth is Mr. and Mrs. I.B. Profen. 379 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,769 (laughs) Minus the mister. 380 00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:44,537 My man-- Winston, I got a question for you. 381 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,706 Do you think that, that two men 382 00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,509 can engage in group sex without... 383 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,610 without compromising their friendship. 384 00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:52,711 Good question, good question. 385 00:11:52,745 --> 00:11:54,380 Um... okay. 386 00:11:54,413 --> 00:11:56,582 Uh, let's just say 387 00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:57,784 Nick is the salt. 388 00:11:57,817 --> 00:11:59,451 And, Schmidt, you are the pepper. 389 00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:01,254 I'm assuming we're talking about you two. 390 00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,889 Hypothetically, I suppose. whatever. Yes. 391 00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:04,456 Hypothetically, all right. Not necessarily. 392 00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:06,458 Actually I'm gonna need some... 393 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,427 Ooh, boy. 394 00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:09,962 Seems as if I've made a mess. 395 00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:11,398 Got to clean that up. 396 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:13,033 Yes, look at that. 397 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,802 Salt all in the pepper. 398 00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:15,969 Pepper all in the salt. 399 00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:18,038 Just mixed up like that. 400 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,307 Is there salt shoved in the pepper hole? 401 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:21,774 How'd it get in there? 402 00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:24,110 How did salt get shoved into this 403 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,879 tiny, tiny pepper hole? 404 00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,581 Nick? 405 00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:32,619 You're terrible at demonstrations! 406 00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:38,424 Oh, uh... 407 00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:39,625 You know, I-I'm just gonna, uh... 408 00:12:39,658 --> 00:12:40,894 Yeah, Ted. Get crazy. 409 00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:42,428 Leave it all out there on the field. 410 00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:43,931 Okay. (claps hands) 411 00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:46,165 I'll come back with stories. (chuckles) 412 00:12:46,198 --> 00:12:47,600 (both laugh) 413 00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,135 Are you Bidening? 414 00:12:49,168 --> 00:12:50,570 What? No. 415 00:12:50,602 --> 00:12:52,840 (whispers): How did you know about that? 416 00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:56,143 Because I'm always gonna be one step ahead of you. 417 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,344 Extreme Biden! 418 00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:05,284 (whispering): Kat. 419 00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:06,318 (grunts with effort) 420 00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,355 Kat, Kat... let me out. 421 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,190 This was a huge mistake. 422 00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:11,859 I'm sorry. I'm not proud of this. 423 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:13,525 It smells so bad in here. 424 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:16,696 (quiet groan) 425 00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,099 TED: Jess? 426 00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:20,167 Hi. 427 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,903 Jess, th-this is the men's room. 428 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:29,208 This is where it all happens. 429 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,715 Don't wait for me, Ted, 'cause I might be awhile. 430 00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:40,086 See you out on the dance floor. 431 00:13:45,591 --> 00:13:47,159 And at wedding 12, 432 00:13:47,193 --> 00:13:50,163 I sat on a men's toilet. 433 00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:58,171 When did one-on-one sex become old-fashioned? 434 00:13:58,205 --> 00:13:59,471 You know, America's got to take 435 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,341 a hard look in the mirror at ourself. 436 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:03,743 We used to make things. 437 00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:05,913 Just be glad you're not single. 438 00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:07,147 Oh. 439 00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:08,815 Actually Buster and I broke up. 440 00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:10,549 So, anyway... 441 00:14:10,582 --> 00:14:13,419 (groaning): Oh... no! 442 00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:16,188 No! 443 00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,325 That is so terrible! 444 00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:20,326 Didn't know you cared this much. No, no, no, no... 445 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,594 If you're single... Mm-hmm. 446 00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:23,863 that means that I have to do something. 447 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,764 Something awful. 448 00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:27,833 You have no idea what you just did to me. 449 00:14:27,866 --> 00:14:29,769 You have no idea, young lady! 450 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,107 I'll do the four-way with you. 451 00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:36,909 Yes! Okay, I'm gonna go book the room. 452 00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:38,711 You go to housekeeping, have them give you 453 00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,513 as many shower caps as they'll give you... Okay, stop. 454 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,249 They're gonna get one hand and I'm not gonna move it. 455 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,615 I'm just gonna dangle it into the mix 456 00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:45,052 while I look at something else on my phone. 457 00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:46,219 And that's the deal. 458 00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:47,386 Aw, man, this is gonna be big for us. 459 00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:49,056 This is for you, buddy. Thanks. 460 00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:50,322 (laughs): Yeah! 461 00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:53,025 What the hell is that? 462 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,360 What are you talking about? 463 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,695 Yeah, what's-what's that on your hand, man? 464 00:14:55,727 --> 00:14:57,429 Why is it so rough? It's like hoof. 465 00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:58,798 There's nothing on my hand. This is a regular old hand... 466 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,232 I'm out, I'm out. You're out of what? 467 00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:01,634 Four-way. Done. No way. 468 00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:03,436 Not with that thing. You're a buffoon. 469 00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:05,072 That is ridiculous. I was only doing it for you, Schmidt, 470 00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,974 so you don't freak out when you find out that Cece's single. 471 00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:09,475 And now I'm the weirdo with the hoof hand. 472 00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:10,977 What... take it back from the hoof hand. 473 00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:12,412 What'd you say before? About Cece being single? 474 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:13,546 How do you know that? 475 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,381 She's single? 476 00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:17,417 I have my, uh... 477 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,385 assumptions. So Cece's single now. 478 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:20,386 You don't know that for sure. 479 00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:21,421 That's interesting. 480 00:15:21,453 --> 00:15:23,023 Why are you so calm? 481 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,225 Interesting. 482 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,260 Don't just say "interesting." 483 00:15:29,528 --> 00:15:30,929 That's interesting. 484 00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:32,565 If you're gonna say "interesting" say why 485 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,000 it's interesting. It is interesting. 486 00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:37,104 (screams) 487 00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:38,238 Aah! 488 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:39,772 Nick! 489 00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:40,940 What are you doing here? 490 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,009 What are you doing here? 491 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,110 It's the men's room! 492 00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:44,311 Mmm... 493 00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,546 Jess, scooch over. All right. 494 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,783 (groans) 495 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:53,352 What are you doing? Just hiding in the bathroom? 496 00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:54,421 Kind of. 497 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:55,587 (laughs) 498 00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:58,091 (laughs) Me, too. 499 00:15:58,125 --> 00:15:59,759 I know I'm supposed to, like, 500 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,193 "get back out there," 501 00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:03,263 you know? But... 502 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,498 maybe I'm just not built for it. 503 00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:06,698 Man, I hear you. 504 00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:07,866 Sidebar: What do my hands feel like? 505 00:16:07,899 --> 00:16:10,136 Hooves. Aw, son of a... 506 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,505 Maybe there's a reason 507 00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:14,874 I'm not up on a fridge, you know? 508 00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,609 Maybe some people are fridge people, 509 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,110 and other people are... 510 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,611 toilet people. 511 00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,980 You think you're a toilet person? 512 00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:24,150 (laughing) You're not a toilet person. 513 00:16:24,183 --> 00:16:25,384 You want to get on the fridge, 514 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:26,519 you'll get on the fridge, Jess. 515 00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:28,020 Just be yourself, 516 00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:29,889 and if he's not into Jessica Day, 517 00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:31,923 then there's something wrong with him. 518 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,330 Be myself. 519 00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:39,131 Like do my Tina Turner impression? 520 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:40,332 How did your brain jump there? 521 00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:42,335 * What's love got to do 522 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:43,836 * Got to do with it? 523 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,004 (laughs) 524 00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:46,038 (laughs) All right. 525 00:16:46,072 --> 00:16:47,240 I hear your logic. 526 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:49,908 Come on. No man wants that, 527 00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:53,346 but... you can't quit, either. 528 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:55,815 You're our last hope. 529 00:16:55,847 --> 00:16:58,518 You're the only one out of the group 530 00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,586 who might not go home alone tonight, Jess. 531 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,188 Really? Yes. 532 00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:03,523 It's all on your shoulders. 533 00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,991 So the sex fist... 534 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,528 has... 535 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:09,929 turned into a sex finger. 536 00:17:09,961 --> 00:17:12,030 Uh, don't... yeah. Sex finger. 537 00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:16,736 * 538 00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:19,372 Hey. Ted. Um... 539 00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:21,574 (clears throat) I'm out of moves, so... 540 00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:23,343 I'm just gonna try being myself. 541 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,876 Here's some stuff about me: 542 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,346 I've never cured anything. 543 00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,448 I'm a middle school vice principal 544 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:29,848 and I love my job. 545 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,384 Um, I'm just getting out of a relationship 546 00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:33,086 with a guy that I still live with, 547 00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:34,621 which is kind of complicated. 548 00:17:34,653 --> 00:17:35,454 He's over there. 549 00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:36,355 What's up, Nick? 550 00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:37,789 Hi, I'm Nick! 551 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,296 Sometimes I cry when newscasters 552 00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:44,864 wish each other "Happy birthday" on air. 553 00:17:44,896 --> 00:17:47,799 My first crush was on a Batman cake, 554 00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,769 but my first sexual feelings were about Teenage Simba. 555 00:17:50,802 --> 00:17:53,539 'Cause he was super hot, 556 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,942 and I still, actually, find him hot. 557 00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:57,609 Uh, truth time. Um... 558 00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,145 So that's me. 559 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,248 And if you want to take me home, Ted, 560 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,284 we can definitely do some no-bra stuff. 561 00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:06,553 Uh... 562 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,255 That's me naked. 563 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:09,556 Well... 564 00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:10,823 ...and this is me with 565 00:18:10,856 --> 00:18:13,992 a guy who I thought was Larry King. 566 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,328 So it's decision time. 567 00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,064 Yeah, Ted, who's it gonna be? 568 00:18:18,096 --> 00:18:19,231 Me or Jess? 569 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,367 (sighs) 570 00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,843 Hmm? 571 00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:33,011 TED: Ooh... 572 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,913 TED: Wow. Hah. 573 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,516 Ooh... 574 00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:39,852 This is tough. 575 00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:41,788 I mean, okay, 'cause I mean, over here 576 00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:44,490 we've got, you know, the whole... you know. 577 00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,358 And then, but of course over here we got the... bing, 578 00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:47,359 and the... you know. 579 00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:48,827 Mmm... 580 00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,529 (groaning): Oh, God, what do I do? 581 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:51,864 What do I do? 582 00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:53,766 It's over. Moment's passed, Ted. 583 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,034 Okay. 584 00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,203 I'll take him out. 585 00:18:57,237 --> 00:19:00,207 So you and Buster broke up. 586 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,740 Whew. I'm sorry. 587 00:19:03,742 --> 00:19:04,844 Yeah, I'm just waiting 588 00:19:04,876 --> 00:19:06,144 for you to do something weird now. 589 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:08,146 Yeah, I feel that coming on, so, um... 590 00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:09,449 I'm gonna go. 591 00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:11,550 (sighs heavily) 592 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:14,053 You know what doesn't whine and cry 593 00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,855 is the sperm in my freezer. 594 00:19:15,887 --> 00:19:17,523 I am counting down the days 595 00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:20,058 until we don't need men to procreate. 596 00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,028 If I really put my mind to it... 597 00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:24,063 autumn 2018. 598 00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,799 Are you ready? 599 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,736 Oh, it's my Plan "B." 600 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,804 Yeah. Beats going home alone. 601 00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,539 Just giving her a ride. 602 00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:34,773 Nothing weird. 603 00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:37,710 (whispering): We do this every time. 604 00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:40,579 So, Katherine, uh... where do you live? 605 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,682 About two inches north of your mouth, Padre. 606 00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:43,915 Bye. 607 00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,251 Bye. 608 00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:49,087 SCHMIDT: It's okay, Jess. 609 00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:50,856 Sex fist is obviously over. 610 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,692 We're all going home alone. 611 00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:54,826 Well, that's where you're wrong, Schmidt. 612 00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:57,128 We're not going home alone. 613 00:19:58,365 --> 00:19:59,499 That's great. All right. 614 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:00,633 It's like that. 615 00:20:03,935 --> 00:20:06,338 "Regan, Kevin and Rebecca..." 616 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,874 (laughing) 617 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:09,276 "...request the honor of your presence." 618 00:20:09,308 --> 00:20:11,577 How about the honor of my garbage can? 619 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:12,612 COACH: Hey! 620 00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:14,046 JESS: Those fridge people 621 00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:15,815 with their stupid houses... 622 00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:17,849 Oh, look at this one, guys. 623 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,286 Uh, it looks like Jeffrey and Lauren 624 00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:21,354 want us to share in their joy. 625 00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:24,089 How about they share in my chocolate pocket? 626 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,258 (laughing): What does that mean? 627 00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:26,358 In my butt. 628 00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:27,727 Mm-mm. JESS: That's gross. 629 00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:29,461 Yeah, I... 630 00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,298 (laughing) 631 00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:33,098 Oh, man... how about this one, you guys? 632 00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:34,133 Scott and Derek. 633 00:20:34,165 --> 00:20:35,301 Yeah, real tasteful wedding-- 634 00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:36,769 for a Thursday! NICK: Yeah. 635 00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:39,137 Oh, look at that-- Laurie and Mitchell. 636 00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:40,472 They had a cash bar. 637 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:42,240 I hope they can't have kids! 638 00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,875 That's super dark, bro. 639 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,311 That was too far. I hope they can... Yeah! 640 00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:46,613 ...I hope they can, I hope they can. 641 00:20:46,645 --> 00:20:47,779 Cece and Shivrang... you bastards, 642 00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:48,815 take that one down. 643 00:20:48,847 --> 00:20:50,115 You know what? It's gone. 644 00:20:50,148 --> 00:20:51,550 (whoops) No... 645 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,051 NICK: Take that one down! Oh, yeah. 646 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,119 JESS: Wait a minute. 647 00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:55,221 Who are Gabe and Stephanie, 648 00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:56,955 with the profile, these things? 649 00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,257 Oh, Gabe's the heavy guy with the perm and the wheelchair... 650 00:20:58,290 --> 00:20:59,558 No, Gabe was the guy on the motorcycle... 651 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,160 No, no, no, no. The guy with the perm. 652 00:21:01,192 --> 00:21:02,494 The guy who kept showing his stomach the whole time. 653 00:21:02,528 --> 00:21:03,563 Oh. SCHMIDT: That's the woman who was 654 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:04,763 eight and a half months pregnant. 655 00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:05,964 The groom was dressed as the bride... 656 00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:07,066 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, uh... 657 00:21:07,098 --> 00:21:07,900 This wedding's next week. 658 00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,234 What? What? 659 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,103 (all muttering) 660 00:21:11,136 --> 00:21:13,506 Not anymore. SCHMIDT: Thank you. 661 00:21:13,539 --> 00:21:14,641 (whooping, cheering) 662 00:21:14,673 --> 00:21:15,907 Whoa! 663 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:17,410 (all laughing) 664 00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:18,978 That's right! Come on, now! 665 00:21:19,010 --> 00:21:20,346 Ripping it up! 666 00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:22,114 (everyone talking at once) 667 00:21:22,147 --> 00:21:23,915 Oh! Oh! Look at that one. 668 00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,352 Rippin' 'em up. 669 00:21:25,384 --> 00:21:27,019 (whoops) 670 00:21:27,053 --> 00:21:28,587 Rip. Oh, right there. 671 00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:29,855 Yes. 672 00:21:29,888 --> 00:21:31,490 Mmm... 673 00:21:31,523 --> 00:21:33,425 (laughter and indistinct, overlapping conversation) 674 00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:35,994 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org