1
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,905
Thank you so much for having us
over for brunch, guys.

2
00:00:04,937 --> 00:00:07,174
It's the least that we
could do to celebrate
the one-week anniversary

3
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:10,144
of your sister moving in with me
and becoming my live-in lover.

4
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:11,311
Was a little fast.

5
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:12,646
Babe, you have syrup
on your face.

6
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,548
Oh, you can get it.
Mmm.

7
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:17,550
Babe, you have some
powdered sugar...

8
00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:19,053
(muffled):
Back off! I'm starving!

9
00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:20,653
Come on. Just let me get
it off. It's so much.

10
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,556
Get your own
French toast, Jess!

11
00:00:22,589 --> 00:00:25,059
I got these slices,
so they're for me to eat.

12
00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:27,527
If you want the slices,
get your own slices.

13
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:28,728
COACH:
Um, that's your

14
00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:30,097
fourth plate, Winston.
I'm trying

15
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,931
to bulk up
for the LAPD fitness exam.

16
00:00:31,964 --> 00:00:34,268
I am going to ace
this obstacle course.

17
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:36,436
Schmidt, you got something crazy
around your neck.

18
00:00:36,469 --> 00:00:39,539
Abby made this. Look.
Ow. Look at that.

19
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:40,508
Not a fan.
I forgot how much

20
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:41,908
I love making jewelry.

21
00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,511
Schmidt's been lending me money
for supplies.

22
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:46,012
SCHMIDT:
Yeah.
Schmidt, are you bleeding?

23
00:00:46,045 --> 00:00:48,415
Oh, look at that. I
most certainly am. Wow.

24
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:50,850
What makes Abby's jewelry
so interesting

25
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:53,954
is that it's actually
dangerous and can cut you.
Oh.

26
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:55,722
Abby's gonna open up her own
store one day. Mark my words.

27
00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:57,125
She shouldn't do that.
Nope.

28
00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:59,292
I'm gonna open up
a store in your mouth.

29
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:00,728
But now that you're living here,
I can have my old room back.

30
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:03,063
Jess, I'm gonna need you gone
by 5:00.

31
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:06,933
Done. I need a break
from Snore-a Ephron over here.
Okay.

32
00:01:06,966 --> 00:01:09,537
Oh, Schmidt and I
don't need any space.
We have no boundaries.

33
00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:12,439
But I guess not everybody can
have what Schmidt and I have.

34
00:01:12,472 --> 00:01:14,207
You guys will probably
get there. Don't worry.

35
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,742
Remember how long
it took you to get boobs?

36
00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:18,445
Yeah, but I started
shaving my legs at nine.

37
00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:21,549
So joke's on you.

38
00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,751
Mmm.

39
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,956
Wait. We have so much sex.

40
00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:33,060
Don't try to eat the other
slice. I'm gonna get to it.

41
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,228
* Who's that girl?

42
00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:37,765
* Who's that girl? *
* It's Jess.

43
00:01:39,031 --> 00:01:41,001
Can you believe
Abby and Schmidt?
Yeah,

44
00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:44,271
tell me about it. Making love
at their own brunch? No class.

45
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:47,106
They're a fake couple. They're
not real. We're a real couple.
Right. Right.

46
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:49,143
If anyone should be moving
in together, it's us.

47
00:01:49,176 --> 00:01:50,811
Well, you know, we already live
in the same apartment.

48
00:01:50,843 --> 00:01:52,813
Right. So why not take
the extra step?

49
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:55,182
We basically sleep in each
other's rooms every night,

50
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:56,683
so what is the difference?

51
00:01:56,716 --> 00:01:58,018
It's a really big difference.

52
00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,953
Because right now
we're roommates

53
00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:02,489
but we're not living together.
Not "living together."
Right.

54
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:04,525
You know? Living together
No.

55
00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:06,826
is a step. It's official.

56
00:02:06,859 --> 00:02:08,628
It's an official step
in a relationship.

57
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,097
So the word "official"
is the key.

58
00:02:10,129 --> 00:02:11,931
Abby and Schmidt did it
after one week.

59
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:15,034
Come on. We have so much left
to learn about each other,

60
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:17,204
stuff you can only learn
if you're crammed together

61
00:02:17,237 --> 00:02:19,673
in a small space
and you can't get out.

62
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:21,542
Just you and me.
Four walls.

63
00:02:21,574 --> 00:02:23,110
No boundaries, no escape.

64
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,111
When you put it like that,
it sounds amazing.

65
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,146
And like prison.
Well, I feel like

66
00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:30,116
if we get tired of each other,
I can always run across the hall

67
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:33,486
to my room. It's so close.
Just pop over there.

68
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,655
Mm.

69
00:02:34,687 --> 00:02:36,557
Do you not want to?
Whoa.

70
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:37,858
(whistles)

71
00:02:37,890 --> 00:02:39,893
I did not...

72
00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:41,795
That did not...
So you're saying...

73
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,063
you do want to?

74
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:45,498
(chuckles)

75
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,300
Oh, my God,

76
00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:49,168
Nick, we're moving in together!

77
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:50,871
Officially?
We just agreed on it?
Yes!

78
00:02:50,903 --> 00:02:53,740
Yes! I cannot think
of a reason why not to.

79
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:57,009
Reason 13: I like my stuff
and I hate her stuff.

80
00:02:57,043 --> 00:03:00,080
Reason number 14: how am I
ever gonna change my clothes?

81
00:03:00,112 --> 00:03:01,181
You don't change in front
of your girlfriend?

82
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,983
You get naked in front of her.

83
00:03:03,015 --> 00:03:05,252
Yes, but those are
different things.
When you're naked,

84
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:07,221
you're powerful
and it's glorious.

85
00:03:07,254 --> 00:03:09,021
When you're changing,
you're hunched over

86
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:10,524
and cowering, like an animal.

87
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:11,859
Animals don't wear clothes,
Nick.

88
00:03:11,891 --> 00:03:13,493
All I'm saying is
I need my space.

89
00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:15,496
True intimacy. Embrace that.

90
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,931
Abby and I,
we have one sponge.

91
00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:22,169
And we use it for everything.

92
00:03:22,201 --> 00:03:25,372
I don't like that,
but you seem happy.
Don't hold back,

93
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:28,776
Nick. Expose your cracks
and love will fill them.

94
00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:30,544
That's nice.
Thank you.

95
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:32,246
Do you know how hard
it's been for me to take

96
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,114
this conversation seriously
while you're wearing

97
00:03:34,146 --> 00:03:37,116
that thing around your neck?
It's an Iroquois throat band.

98
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,420
That's the ugliest thing
I've ever seen.
Yeah, you're jealous.

99
00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,954
No, I'm not.
It's not just a choker--
it's a story.

100
00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:44,858
What's the story?
She didn't have enough supplies?
Well...

101
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,926
I'm not through
the whole thing yet.
I got to tell you, man, looking

102
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,961
at that thing,
the sex must be awesome.

103
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:51,699
COACH:
Cece and I have been
hanging out a lot more lately.

104
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,734
She sort of treats me like I'm
one of her girl friends, and...

105
00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:55,703
(strained):
You don't like it?

106
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:57,405
I love it. I mean,

107
00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,038
usually, when I'm friends
with a girl, I'm either trying

108
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,473
to get that butt or she's trying
to get this butt.

109
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:02,276
But with Cece,
it's not about the butt.

110
00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:05,278
(chuckles)
Its not about the butt, man.
It's cool.

111
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,914
It's like...
We're like... sisters.

112
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:11,318
What?
Coach. Hey, do you have,
uh, Schmidt's keys?

113
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,052
Kind of got a weird favor
to ask.

114
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,323
It's only weird
if you don't ask, girl. (laughs)

115
00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:18,292
What?
That's what I'm
talking about.

116
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:19,759
(meows)

117
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,062
(grunts)
You know I'm doing this
for you, right?

118
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,663
Somewhere...
This is great.

119
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,298
(chuckles)
What are we doing?

120
00:04:25,332 --> 00:04:27,266
We are snooping on Abby.

121
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:30,002
Oh, love it.
I do not trust that girl.

122
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:32,639
She's always working an angle.
Now she's got Schmidt all

123
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,442
wrapped up, giving her money
for "jewelry."

124
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,511
Treachery!
(Coach screams)

125
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:39,947
First, they came for my
silverware and I said nothing.

126
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,516
What's up, dawg?
What are you guys doing here?

127
00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:45,353
Schmidt, I know that Abby is fun
and she is charming,

128
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:47,521
but I'm telling you,
she's bad news.

129
00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:49,356
Is that why you guys are sorting
through my garbage?

130
00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:52,292
I appreciate the concern, you
guys, but Abby has changed.

131
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:55,095
COACH:
Then how do you explain this?

132
00:04:55,127 --> 00:04:56,629
I put my coffee grounds
in a plastic bag

133
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,264
so it doesn't get the rest
of my trash dirty.

134
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,466
Really?
Yeah, he does that.

135
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,767
You got clean-ass trash, man.

136
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,437
I don't even need gloves
for this.

137
00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:05,372
Quit sorting through my trash,
Coach. You're messing it all up.

138
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:08,675
Sorry...
Schmidt, you've known this girl
for a couple weeks, okay?

139
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:11,778
I've known her for 20 years,
and, I am telling you,

140
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:14,714
she's not to be trusted.

141
00:05:14,747 --> 00:05:17,117
Your words are changing his
opinions about things.

142
00:05:17,149 --> 00:05:18,552
(chuckles)
Up top.

143
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:21,153
Mm.

144
00:05:21,187 --> 00:05:23,023
You two as friends
is a real bummer.

145
00:05:23,055 --> 00:05:24,492
I'm not into it.

146
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,959
JESS:
Our first night
living together.

147
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,161
I'm just excited.

148
00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:30,029
Expose your cracks

149
00:05:30,062 --> 00:05:32,932
and love will fill them.

150
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,403
I'm changing.

151
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,204
Great. I'm reading.

152
00:05:38,237 --> 00:05:40,574
Okay.

153
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:43,076
Yeah, I'm just gonna
take my pants off.

154
00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,076
Okay.

155
00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:45,512
(grumbling)

156
00:05:45,545 --> 00:05:47,514
You know, I've seen you
naked before, right?

157
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:48,716
(grunts)

158
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,016
What's going on there?

159
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,052
Oh! Never changed in
front of a woman.

160
00:05:52,084 --> 00:05:55,088
You know, mostly you
just hook up and...
Really?

161
00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,355
Are you serious?

162
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:00,860
All right,

163
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,495
I'm gonna read.

164
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,963
(clears throat)

165
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:07,968
Okay. Here we go.

166
00:06:09,802 --> 00:06:11,370
(Nick moans)

167
00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:12,572
Yeah, it's...

168
00:06:12,605 --> 00:06:14,106
Just gonna put
this on here.

169
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,875
What is that?

170
00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:17,444
Oh, this is my long shirt.

171
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,447
(snorts)
Yeah. Oh.
(snorts)

172
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,848
That's why you're laughing.
I had it on the wrong way.

173
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:26,119
(laughs)
That must have been
funny-looking the way it was.

174
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:28,622
I've never broken it out
before you because, you know,

175
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:30,356
we didn't live
together, but...

176
00:06:30,389 --> 00:06:33,961
it keeps the top really warm
and lets my bottom breathe.

177
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:37,197
And so... yeah.
Why does your bottom need
to breathe?

178
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,466
Well, it's like

179
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,766
a plant.

180
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,534
Needs sun and air to survive.

181
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,437
Never mind. Um... I like it.

182
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,605
Um... yeah.
Great.

183
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:46,906
I like it.

184
00:06:46,939 --> 00:06:49,610
(grunts)

185
00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:51,377
Okay.

186
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,245
This is great.
This is great.

187
00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:54,747
I'm excited.

188
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:57,016
Me, too.

189
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:04,290
What are you doing
to the pillow?
I'm trying to get comfortable.

190
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,158
Oh, okay.

191
00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:08,127
Got it.

192
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,997
Got it.

193
00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:11,564
I can't...

194
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,899
I'm gonna go to sleep.

195
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:14,968
Turn off the light.
Great.

196
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:17,137
Mm.

197
00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:19,639
Ow!

198
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,942
What? So-Sorry. Sorry.

199
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,677
What the hell
is that nightmare?
I just... have to...

200
00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:27,213
Sorry.

201
00:07:28,815 --> 00:07:30,684
Just reading?
Yeah. You know
what I'm gonna do?

202
00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:32,351
I'm gonna sleep
with my head over there.
Okay.

203
00:07:32,384 --> 00:07:34,086
Thanks.

204
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,355
Yeah, that's... That's
gonna be better for me.

205
00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:47,500
You know what, I'm gonna
get some water.

206
00:07:47,534 --> 00:07:49,670
(muffled music playing)

207
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,973
*

208
00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:55,475
Oh, hey.
My room looks
totally different.

209
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:56,776
Turned it into a workout space.

210
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,377
I am so glad it opened up.

211
00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:01,348
Oh, why didn't we
do this sooner?

212
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,252
Crab walk.

213
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,322
You don't know where
a crab's gonna go.

214
00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:10,824
And you know what?
Mm-mm.

215
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:12,560
Where does the crab go? Oh!

216
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:14,360
Oh, aah!

217
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,096
Owie.

218
00:08:19,331 --> 00:08:21,033
(elevator bell dings)

219
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:24,504
Hi. Just enjoying
the peace and quiet.

220
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,173
Whoa, hold up.

221
00:08:27,206 --> 00:08:29,141
Hey, Jess, what
are you doing?
Oh,

222
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,812
I just, you know, sometimes
I work in the elevator now.

223
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:32,879
(whispers): You know,
helping some of the...

224
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,147
older residents.

225
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,883
Hmm?
(elevator bell dings)

226
00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:39,086
(loudly):
This is your floor, ma'am.

227
00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:44,892
So, how are things going with
you and Schmidt living together?

228
00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:47,927
I have never felt so clean
while being so dirty.

229
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,429
Awesome.
Last night,
Schmidt wanted

230
00:08:50,462 --> 00:08:52,732
to take me to a hotel, but
we could not even get out

231
00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:55,101
of the loft without ripping
each other's clothes off.

232
00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:57,037
Oh, that's our thing, too.
We have

233
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,739
the hotel until tomorrow
night and it's all paid up.

234
00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:00,841
You guys might as well use
it. Take it off our hands.

235
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,542
(elevator bell dings)

236
00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,044
Lobby, please.

237
00:09:05,077 --> 00:09:07,246
(mouths words)

238
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:13,052
Wait, I forgot Bernie.

239
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:15,054
Hold the elevator.

240
00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:19,091
Bernie, Bernie,
where are you, you idiot?

241
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:20,760
I'll just be here, waiting.

242
00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:22,261
WINSTON: So, Nick,
the police academy training

243
00:09:22,294 --> 00:09:23,897
is going well, but

244
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:26,866
I'm a little worried about
the rings, because of the...

245
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:29,235
you know... the incident.

246
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:30,703
(laughter)

247
00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:32,438
Shut up, you guys,
I can do this.

248
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:34,975
No, Miller, no, Miller, no!

249
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,509
(laughter)

250
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:40,513
(laughs)

251
00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:44,717
I'm sor... I got big
laughs. You got to give
the people what they want.

252
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:48,254
Everybody saw my ding-a-ling,
Nick. My ding-a-ling.

253
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:50,157
I've got an issue that's
more important than this.

254
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:53,559
Ever since Jess moved in, I
haven't had a second to myself.

255
00:09:53,592 --> 00:09:55,796
You see what she's done
to my writer's desk?

256
00:09:55,828 --> 00:09:57,831
It's now her arts and
crafts area now, man.

257
00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:59,099
Hey, guys.
Hey.

258
00:09:59,131 --> 00:10:01,268
I'm staying
at a hotel tonight.

259
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:02,903
Not alone. With other people.

260
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,739
I have to chaperone a field trip
to Sacramento, so...

261
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:07,640
You know what, you seem too
busy to talk about it. Go, go.

262
00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:09,909
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you.

263
00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:11,344
Wait, weren't you
just saying how you...

264
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,245
Whoa, dude!
(Jess laughs)

265
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,414
Good one, Nick. Bye.
(chuckling):
Bye, yeah.

266
00:10:15,447 --> 00:10:18,018
That, uh, I'm,
uh, I'm sorry.

267
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,418
SCHMIDT:
I can't believe I let you guys

268
00:10:19,451 --> 00:10:21,421
talk me into tailing
my own girlfriend.

269
00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,990
CECE:
Look at this neighborhood,
Schmidt, she is up to no good.

270
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,759
I feel very uncomfortable
being here, I trust Abby,

271
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,360
I don't want to spy
on her anymore, okay?

272
00:10:28,394 --> 00:10:30,998
We're not spying--
we're just carefully watching.

273
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:32,499
Girlfriend is going down.

274
00:10:32,532 --> 00:10:35,201
Yeah, she is.
Let us bust
her, buster.

275
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,669
(giggles)
That was a good one.

276
00:10:36,703 --> 00:10:38,370
That was.
Yeah.
Okay.

277
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:40,841
(both sigh)
This dynamic

278
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:42,842
between the two of you--
it's very annoying to me.

279
00:10:42,875 --> 00:10:44,945
I'm sure I'm not alone on this.
Hi, hater.

280
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,346
Bye, hater.
Okay, enough is enough.
I'm getting out of here.

281
00:10:47,379 --> 00:10:48,881
Hey, it's my car...
Guys, guys.

282
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:51,018
I don't care whose
car it is, I'm going.
No...

283
00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,384
I don't care who...
It's my car.

284
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:54,053
Oh.
Aah!

285
00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:56,789
(gasps)
Great.

286
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,225
Hit a parked car
in the same neighborhood

287
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,659
they shot friggin'
Children of Men.

288
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,470
Yeah!

289
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:14,006
I'm alone!

290
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,043
(laughs)

291
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:17,376
Yeah.

292
00:11:17,409 --> 00:11:19,346
* I made my reservation

293
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:20,980
* I'm leaving town tomorrow
(yells happily)

294
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,383
* I'll find somebody new...
(grunts, laughs)

295
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:28,154
I'm alone and I love it.

296
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:31,725
Coffee for one,
a sundae for one,

297
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:35,495
and the most tasteful,
story-driven

298
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,230
(whispers) adult film.

299
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,198
Preferably a period piece.

300
00:11:39,231 --> 00:11:40,700
The farther in the past,
the better.

301
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,201
You know what
I'm talking about, girl.

302
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:46,605
(sobs)

303
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:50,610
Do you have anything
in the Byzantine Era?

304
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:54,847
No? All right,
just a shot in the dark.

305
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,017
* Clang, clang, clang,
went the trolley... *

306
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,619
(sobbing): It's so little.

307
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,354
It's so little.

308
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,623
* Bump, bump, bump
went my heartstrings *

309
00:12:03,655 --> 00:12:06,393
* When he smiled,
I could feel the car shake... *

310
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:08,195
MAN (pounding on wall):
I'm trying to sleep!
Okay!

311
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,230
Which ding is ours?
Which ding is ours?

312
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,465
Coach, there are
knife holes in the door.

313
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,366
What does it matter?
Let's get out of here.
At least

314
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,568
write "sorry" and put it under
the windshield wiper...

315
00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:17,904
There are none.

316
00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:20,072
Uh... Maybe put it under

317
00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:21,408
the dead bird's leg?

318
00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,110
(man growls)
Hobo!
Aah, there's a dude!

319
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:24,476
(screaming)
Ho-ho-hobo, for real!

320
00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:26,078
Hobo!
COACH: Son of a bitch

321
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,447
Hobo.

322
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:28,480
Thank you, Jingles.

323
00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:29,783
MAN:
You got it, girl.

324
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,451
Hey. What are
you guys doing here?

325
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:32,919
Tailing me?

326
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:35,254
No. Um...
Yes, we're tailing you.

327
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:37,389
I know how you work:

328
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,725
You glom onto guys and
then you just bleed them dry.

329
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,928
Well, you are not
gonna do it to Schmidt.

330
00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:46,432
What's in the box?

331
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:50,937
Tell us
what's in the box.

332
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:55,774
Zippers.

333
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:57,009
What?

334
00:12:57,043 --> 00:13:00,279
(laughs) Z...
Zippers, you guys.

335
00:13:00,312 --> 00:13:01,648
Guy up there'll
give you a great deal.

336
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:02,916
He also loves crack.

337
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:05,251
Can we go now?

338
00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:06,686
Thank you, Abby,
let's go.

339
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:11,124
My car is gone.

340
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,625
Well, that's not surprising.

341
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,966
Oh, you can do this.
You can do this, Winnie.

342
00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:27,506
What are you doing here?

343
00:13:27,539 --> 00:13:28,942
On a school day?

344
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,943
I see this means
you're the cutting type.

345
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,812
Which means you're
the pantsing type.

346
00:13:33,846 --> 00:13:35,782
Well, I got news for you, buddy.

347
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:36,783
You ain't getting 'em!

348
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:37,884
Not today.

349
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,818
How 'bout I take
your pants, huh?

350
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:41,553
Not like that, everybody!

351
00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:43,322
I'm not trying to take
the little kid's pants.

352
00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:44,991
He's trying to take my pants.

353
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:47,027
You see how he's
eyeing my pants?

354
00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:48,461
So I eyed his pants...

355
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,197
You know what?

356
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,463
You win.

357
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,000
You win, you little
son of a bitch.

358
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,801
You win!

359
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,037
I don't want to tell you
how to police your beach,

360
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,705
but right now there are truants

361
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:01,173
outside of this hotel,
stirring up trouble.

362
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,674
Hey, yo, lookin' good, Charlie!

363
00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:05,913
Debbie, see you at 1:00
on the massage table.

364
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,514
Winston.

365
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:16,489
Mm.

366
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,557
We are gonna sneak
into Schmidt's

367
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,393
and see what's really
inside those boxes.

368
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:22,195
Cece, darling...
Hmm?

369
00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:24,331
What?
How long have we been friends?

370
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:25,831
A week or so?

371
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,000
And have I ever steered
you wrong?
Well, no...

372
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,369
Exactly.
Because I know you

373
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:30,669
better than anyone, girl.

374
00:14:30,702 --> 00:14:31,870
And you're acting
like a lunatic.

375
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:33,173
I mean, the kind of lunatic

376
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,407
other lunatics look at and go,

377
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:35,575
"Oh, my God,
that bitch a lunatic."

378
00:14:35,607 --> 00:14:37,043
So I'm gonna
need you

379
00:14:37,076 --> 00:14:38,278
to figure out why you're

380
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:39,711
really doing all this
for Schmidt...

381
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:45,217
...and then sort it out.

382
00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:47,453
You did not just
say that to me.

383
00:14:47,486 --> 00:14:49,288
Think about it, girl.
Shoot...

384
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,290
Just to be clear, I did not ask
you to act like this, okay?

385
00:14:51,323 --> 00:14:54,626
It's just kind of fun to do...
Mm-hmm.

386
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:55,595
Slow down, girl.

387
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,563
You gonna eat that scone?

388
00:14:57,596 --> 00:14:58,966
Damn it.
Slow down.

389
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,567
Are you-are you
gonna have this scone?

390
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,869
Hey, man.
Hey, man.

391
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,272
Just looking
at my Garbage Pail Kids.

392
00:15:05,304 --> 00:15:07,606
Jess makes me
put 'em in a box.

393
00:15:07,639 --> 00:15:10,243
How are you gonna put art
like this in a box?

394
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:12,544
What's going on with you?

395
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,214
Nothing...

396
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:15,782
You will not
tell Nick

397
00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:17,450
that you saw me here
because then he'll get upset

398
00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:19,318
and I'm gonna have to move
into my old room,

399
00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:22,554
and that means that we suck as
a couple and that Abby was right

400
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:24,323
and I cannot let that happen.

401
00:15:24,356 --> 00:15:26,125
Jess went to a hotel
because sharing a room with you

402
00:15:26,158 --> 00:15:27,494
is driving her crazy.

403
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,797
(relieved moaning)

404
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:32,764
Dude, that really was
a tough one to keep in,

405
00:15:32,798 --> 00:15:33,932
but, honestly,
I held my own and I did

406
00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:35,902
my best.
Are you kidding me?!

407
00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:38,837
I can't believe it!
I changed in front of her!

408
00:15:38,870 --> 00:15:40,606
Sharing a room
is driving you crazy, too.

409
00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:42,642
But I didn't lie about it.

410
00:15:42,674 --> 00:15:46,145
I never get to win these things.

411
00:15:46,178 --> 00:15:47,779
So, anyway, I just want
to apologize.

412
00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:49,948
It was wrong of me
to get involved.

413
00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:52,652
Are you sure you don't
want to tap Abby's phone?
Run a DNA sample?

414
00:15:52,684 --> 00:15:55,621
I don't want to be coarse, but
the bedroom is covered in it.

415
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,423
I was worried about you, okay?

416
00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:59,025
I didn't want her
to take advantage of you

417
00:15:59,058 --> 00:16:01,094
'cause I know
that you will do...

418
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:03,996
anything for the people
that you care about.

419
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:09,135
Well, I guess I could say
the same thing about you.

420
00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:13,440
And, you know what,
maybe Abby has changed.

421
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,775
I'm thinking about helping Abby
lease a-a storefront

422
00:16:16,808 --> 00:16:18,610
for her jewelry.
Is that crazy?

423
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:21,480
It's...
(chuckles)

424
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:23,350
It's amazing. Don't hold back.

425
00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,618
Here. Here, I want you
to have this.

426
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,120
Oh.
Abby made it.

427
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,355
Oh...

428
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,490
Mm...

429
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,825
It's a cough
drop and...

430
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:35,195
these are
hard candies.
I see that.

431
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:38,664
I... truly hate it.

432
00:16:38,697 --> 00:16:40,332
You're welcome.

433
00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:42,335
(sighs)

434
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,303
Oh.
Oh, hey.

435
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,239
How was Sacramento?
It was great. The kids cried

436
00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:49,008
when they saw the capital.
Oh, did they?
How many

437
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,576
students showed up?
30.

438
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,678
What hotel did you stay at?
Old Sacramento Inn.

439
00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:54,181
What room did you stay in?
523.

440
00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:55,815
What floor was that on?
Five.

441
00:16:55,847 --> 00:16:57,649
Was there an elevator
to the fourth floor?
Fifth floor.

442
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,152
Smoking or non-smoking?
Smoking.

443
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,321
You don't smoke.
In Sacramento, I do.

444
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,589
What'd you have for breakfast?
Continental.

445
00:17:02,621 --> 00:17:04,490
How are you this good
at lying?! I know

446
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:06,558
you're making this all up!
I know you didn't go

447
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:09,195
to Sacramento. I know you went
to a hotel to be by yourself.

448
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:12,731
Damn it, Winston!
Nick loved being
alone, too!

449
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:15,602
Damn it, Winston!
That's for my
ding-a-ling!

450
00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:18,605
You didn't like living
together either?
No,

451
00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:21,273
but it was your idea, and
it seemed like the thing to do.

452
00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:23,742
But at least I didn't lie
about it, Jess.

453
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:25,944
Okay, I did!
But you were driving me crazy.

454
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:27,779
(quietly):
You wear a nightgown.

455
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,115
Are you talking
about my long shirt?

456
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:31,550
You look like
the Little Match Girl,

457
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:34,019
wandering
around Victorian England

458
00:17:34,052 --> 00:17:36,623
selling matches for a penny.

459
00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:38,525
I look like George Washington.
I was just

460
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,292
trying to be a good couple.

461
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:42,362
Schmidt and Abby are doing it.
Well,

462
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:45,030
Schmidt and Abby are crazy.
They're doing a lot of things.

463
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,267
Why can't we do this?

464
00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:49,435
I don't know.

465
00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:55,407
Hey. Uh-oh.
Hey.

466
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:56,875
Last time I saw you day-drinking

467
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,978
was when you got kicked out
of jazz ensemble.

468
00:17:59,010 --> 00:18:01,647
I'm still pissed off about that.

469
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:04,884
What does that mean,
"too enthusiastic"?
How come

470
00:18:04,916 --> 00:18:07,119
you're not at the hotel?
Did you and Nick break the bed?

471
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:09,556
Because, legally, they cannot
make you pay for that.

472
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:10,757
No. I was by myself.

473
00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:13,593
Oh, I've broken the bed
by myself.

474
00:18:13,625 --> 00:18:15,162
Big-time.

475
00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:18,397
No, I went to the hotel
to get away from Nick.

476
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,798
And I wore a robe
and I watched

477
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:21,500
a documentary
about Ethel Kennedy

478
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,069
and it was one
of the best nights of my life.

479
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,805
So you win.
Your relationship's

480
00:18:25,837 --> 00:18:29,075
better than mine. And I can't
even share a room with Nick.

481
00:18:29,107 --> 00:18:30,809
I don't win. Come on.

482
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:33,145
I swing from guy to guy.

483
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:36,082
I don't think
I have ever paid my own rent.

484
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,451
You travel the world,
collecting lovers.

485
00:18:38,484 --> 00:18:41,253
All my lovers
could fit in one SUV.

486
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:44,123
And, yes, maybe somebody would
have to sit on someone's lap,

487
00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:46,125
but they would fit.

488
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,993
And you're just... brave.

489
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,761
You and Nick are brave.

490
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,097
You guys know each other,
you get under each other's skin.

491
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,166
He has the feet
of a hippy cult leader.

492
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:56,368
But that's the difference.
I just throw myself

493
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:59,137
into whatever comes along
because...

494
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:01,840
I really don't want to be alone.

495
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,109
Why not? Being alone's great.

496
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,944
You should try it sometime.

497
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,214
Seriously. It might help you
figure yourself out.

498
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,450
(sighs)

499
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:12,285
You're Abby Freaking Day.

500
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:14,487
You can do whatever you want.

501
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,289
Except vote.

502
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:19,291
(laughs)
But, seriously,

503
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:20,992
you should've seen
Nick's feet.

504
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:24,564
The bottoms are all black,
except for one patch of yellow.

505
00:19:24,596 --> 00:19:25,897
(laughs)

506
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:32,038
Hey. What are you doing?
Hey. Oh,

507
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:34,240
just packing up your things
and then I...

508
00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:36,843
thought about what you would
want and how you probably didn't

509
00:19:36,875 --> 00:19:39,912
want to move again, so I decided
to do the right thing

510
00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:41,180
and just take your room.

511
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:42,749
My room's bigger.
Is it? I never...

512
00:19:42,781 --> 00:19:44,817
Nice try.
All right.

513
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,184
I got to move some stuff
back then.

514
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:47,720
(chuckles)
Hey.

515
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:50,323
I'm sorry that
this didn't work out.

516
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:53,992
I'm sorry that we sucked.
Look, we don't suck.

517
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,729
I'm crazy about you, but I don't
have to spend every second

518
00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:59,832
with you in what amounts
to a one-room log cabin.

519
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:01,901
Cabins are what drove
the Pilgrims crazy. That's why

520
00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:04,403
they killed each other
at the Plymouth Rock Massacre.

521
00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:07,839
That's not a real thing.
So how did the millions
of Pilgrims die?

522
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:10,041
There definitely weren't
millions of Pilgrims.

523
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:12,944
Then how do you explain
my 37-page essay about it?

524
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:15,114
I think you made it up
in your head.
This seems like one of those

525
00:20:15,146 --> 00:20:18,017
"agree to disagree" moments...
No. It's not.

526
00:20:18,049 --> 00:20:19,852
I'm also older than you.
Anyway,

527
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,188
I love you and someday
we'll make this work.

528
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,923
I think so, too.
Just-just not now.

529
00:20:23,955 --> 00:20:25,958
Not like this.
Yeah. Yeah.

530
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:28,528
But if you're not doing
anything, want to come over?

531
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:29,528
I am over.

532
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,530
(knocking)

533
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,365
JESS:
Oh!
Hey, guys. Uh,

534
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,701
just a little hot goss
from apartment 4C.

535
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:37,737
Abby's gone.

536
00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:39,105
What?
She's gonna

537
00:20:39,137 --> 00:20:40,640
stay with your mom
for a little bit.

538
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:44,544
Something about saving up
to be independent?

539
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:45,877
Wow.

540
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:48,146
Good for her.
(chuckles)

541
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:50,215
I'm sorry.
It's okay. You know...

542
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:53,051
in hindsight, maybe we moved
a little bit too fast.

543
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,953
I just wish
that I had realized that

544
00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:58,825
before I rented her
a storefront.
You rented her a storefront?

545
00:20:58,857 --> 00:21:00,792
It was a three-year lease
in an undesirable neighborhood.

546
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:03,128
(chuckles) It totally
obliterated my bank account,

547
00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:05,632
so... I've decided
to sublet my place, and...

548
00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:08,000
I'll be moving back here,
under duress.

549
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:11,269
Y-You're moving back in here?
Well, it shouldn't be
a problem, right? I mean,

550
00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:14,006
Coach is in my room, and you
guys are now moving in together.

551
00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:16,308
And, um...
I'll just move
into Jess' room. Cool?

552
00:21:16,343 --> 00:21:18,577
Yeah, but, like...
Asking was just kind of
a formality.

553
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:21,847
'Cause my name's on the lease,
so... You guys are the best.

554
00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:24,150
JESS: Oh...

555
00:21:24,182 --> 00:21:27,019
(sighs)
(chuckles)

556
00:21:27,053 --> 00:21:30,789
Yay!
Yay.

557
00:21:30,823 --> 00:21:32,825
Cool.
Great.

558
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:35,994
Let's do this. You have
to start washing your feet.
We can make it work.

559
00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:41,667
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