1
00:00:02,088 --> 00:00:03,873
This is why I buy my food
from gas stations, Jess.

2
00:00:03,915 --> 00:00:05,875
Nick, you knocked
over a wheelbarrow

3
00:00:05,918 --> 00:00:08,660
full of fruit, and then
you actually skipped away.

4
00:00:08,704 --> 00:00:10,140
Guys, I'm trying
to concentrate, okay?

5
00:00:10,183 --> 00:00:12,099
The LAPD does not
offer entrance exams

6
00:00:12,141 --> 00:00:13,186
every single day.

7
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:14,448
Just Mondays and Fridays.

8
00:00:14,492 --> 00:00:17,059
But I am not
waiting till Friday.

9
00:00:17,103 --> 00:00:18,931
Hey, why do you
have so much fruit?

10
00:00:18,975 --> 00:00:20,890
Because this one ran
into his ex-girlfriend

11
00:00:20,932 --> 00:00:22,196
at the farmer's
market.

12
00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:23,109
Nick?

13
00:00:23,152 --> 00:00:25,981
Hey! No way!

14
00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:28,071
Caroline of my past.

15
00:00:28,114 --> 00:00:30,073
What a pleasant
surprise.

16
00:00:30,117 --> 00:00:31,943
My ex-lover... No!

17
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:34,250
I don't deal with exes.

18
00:00:34,295 --> 00:00:35,643
They're part of the past.

19
00:00:35,686 --> 00:00:37,124
You burn 'em swiftly

20
00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:39,517
and you give their ashes
to Poseidon.

21
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:41,215
I'm really good friends
with Berkley,

22
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:43,085
and we had a terrible breakup...
Come on, what?

23
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,435
You have a good
relationship with him

24
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:45,567
because he wants to bone you.

25
00:00:45,609 --> 00:00:47,090
He's a stay-at-home dad.

26
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:50,179
His entire life
revolves around his family.

27
00:00:50,223 --> 00:00:52,008
He's the most emotionally
evolved person I know.

28
00:00:52,051 --> 00:00:54,140
And I'm sure his favorite
emotion is the emotion

29
00:00:54,183 --> 00:00:56,359
of wanting to bone you.

30
00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:57,231
That's not an emotion.

31
00:00:57,274 --> 00:00:59,146
Possible sex
is the only reason

32
00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:00,798
people stay "friends"
with their exes.

33
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:02,932
Come on.
Back me up,
Winnie the Bish.

34
00:01:02,975 --> 00:01:04,933
Yeah, that's true. I mean,
I'm friends with all my exes...

35
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:06,326
See?
...families.

36
00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:07,328
Ha-ha! See?

37
00:01:07,370 --> 00:01:08,545
I still send Shelby's dad

38
00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:09,721
a Father's Day card,
and he still sends me

39
00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:11,287
five bucks on my birthday.

40
00:01:11,331 --> 00:01:13,463
What is wrong
with you?
That's nice.
Hey, guys.

41
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,335
I bet Coach is friends
with his exes.
No.

42
00:01:15,379 --> 00:01:17,251
Oh, for sure, yeah.Yeah! I'm right!

43
00:01:17,293 --> 00:01:19,253
For sex.
No!
Ha-ha! I'm right!

44
00:01:19,295 --> 00:01:21,385
Can't spell "sex"
with the "ex."

45
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:23,299
Man, is that sexy
when he does that.

46
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,695
Announcement: I finally
finished my loft.

47
00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:29,088
Hold the applause.

48
00:01:31,265 --> 00:01:32,353
Let's go. All right.

49
00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:35,224
Come on.

50
00:01:35,269 --> 00:01:36,182
C-Come on, you guys.

51
00:01:36,225 --> 00:01:37,966
All together, now.

52
00:01:38,009 --> 00:01:39,186
We're not...
Who's coming?

53
00:01:39,228 --> 00:01:40,534
Let's go.
Come on, Nick.

54
00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:42,145
I don't want to go, man.
Thanks for the invite.

55
00:01:42,188 --> 00:01:43,146
Nah, come on.

56
00:01:43,189 --> 00:01:45,192
Winnie.

57
00:01:45,234 --> 00:01:46,192
No?

58
00:01:46,235 --> 00:01:48,412
♪ Who's that girl?

59
00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:52,241
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.

60
00:01:56,854 --> 00:01:58,335
JESS: You and Caroline
still need some closure.

61
00:01:58,378 --> 00:02:00,031
Well, what do you
want me to say?

62
00:02:00,075 --> 00:02:02,209
That I walked out on her
and now I'm dating you?

63
00:02:02,251 --> 00:02:04,862
We started dating, like,
a year after you broke up.

64
00:02:04,906 --> 00:02:06,299
Yeah, but that doesn't
matter with her.

65
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:07,213
She's got a crazy streak,

66
00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:09,085
and this is bound
to set her off.

67
00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:10,390
What if she hurts
me physically?

68
00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:12,306
What if
she hurts me with words?

69
00:02:12,348 --> 00:02:14,264
Just talk to her.
Clear the air.

70
00:02:14,307 --> 00:02:16,179
You'll feel better,
she'll feel better.

71
00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:17,353
Besides, Nick,

72
00:02:17,397 --> 00:02:19,312
I can't give up that
farmer's market.

73
00:02:19,355 --> 00:02:21,183
Strolling around,
chatting with vendors--

74
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,359
it's so nice.

75
00:02:22,402 --> 00:02:23,752
I feel like
Don Corleone.

76
00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:25,622
I think a lot of ladies do.

77
00:02:32,368 --> 00:02:33,326
[hoarse]:
Hey.

78
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:34,328
[clears throat]

79
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:35,198
Hey...

80
00:02:35,241 --> 00:02:36,242
[coughs]

81
00:02:36,286 --> 00:02:37,765
[clears throat]

82
00:02:37,808 --> 00:02:39,462
Sorry about that.

83
00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:41,247
Haven't spoken to
anybody all day.

84
00:02:41,290 --> 00:02:42,292
Phlegm buildup,
you know?

85
00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:46,252
I've been cooped up all day
in my loft apartment.

86
00:02:46,295 --> 00:02:48,123
So much space for
one person, you know?

87
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,561
You could scream in there,
nobody would ever hear you.

88
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,259
I'm gonna go.

89
00:02:52,301 --> 00:02:53,477
Bye.

90
00:02:55,610 --> 00:02:57,002
What is going on?

91
00:02:57,045 --> 00:02:59,048
May I speak plainly
with you, Cecilia?

92
00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:00,354
[sighs]

93
00:03:00,396 --> 00:03:01,832
I'm in a bit of
a sexual drought.

94
00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:04,227
The Good Valley Schmidt
hasn't seen rain in months.

95
00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:07,229
You're just... you're
giving off a creepy vibe.

96
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:09,231
All right? Living alone
is messing up your game

97
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:10,233
and it's making you weird.

98
00:03:10,276 --> 00:03:12,278
Yeah, but I love living alone.

99
00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:14,062
Where are you, grapes?

100
00:03:14,105 --> 00:03:15,717
Grápés.

101
00:03:15,759 --> 00:03:17,371
Great apes.

102
00:03:17,413 --> 00:03:19,286
Grapes, we have you surrounded.

103
00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:20,852
Come out with your stems up!

104
00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:22,201
[sniffles]

105
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:27,598
[sobbing loudly]

106
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,164
I guess my game
could be upped

107
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,036
if I increased my...
my human contact

108
00:03:31,079 --> 00:03:32,385
a little bit.
Good.

109
00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:34,213
Because you're caressing
your own arm right now.

110
00:03:35,736 --> 00:03:36,867
Hmm.

111
00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:38,260
That's not
normal, man.

112
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:40,437
I've been working out.
It feels... I don't...

113
00:03:42,003 --> 00:03:44,485
I just want to know
why you walked out.

114
00:03:44,527 --> 00:03:46,877
Was there something else
going on?

115
00:03:46,921 --> 00:03:48,271
Was there someone else?

116
00:03:48,314 --> 00:03:49,881
Can I just say,

117
00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:52,144
I really wish this coffee
was a giant beer.

118
00:03:52,187 --> 00:03:53,362
And I wish this scone

119
00:03:53,406 --> 00:03:55,060
was a-a whiskey
and I could just

120
00:03:55,103 --> 00:03:56,278
drink one...
just chase 'em.

121
00:03:57,366 --> 00:03:59,456
This is nice.

122
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,197
Glad we're doing this.

123
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,894
So how'd it go?

124
00:04:02,937 --> 00:04:04,330
We gabbed like a couple

125
00:04:04,373 --> 00:04:06,115
of washer women
over the back fence.

126
00:04:06,157 --> 00:04:09,292
That's great.
So proud of you.

127
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:10,424
[tires screech]

128
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:11,990
You two are dating?

129
00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:14,165
I knew it. I knew it was her!

130
00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,429
What...?

131
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,300
You didn't tell her
we were together?!

132
00:04:17,343 --> 00:04:19,084
I told her we
were together.

133
00:04:19,127 --> 00:04:21,303
I'm not getting away with
this. I didn't tell her.

134
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:22,610
CAROLINE:
Screw you, Miller!

135
00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:28,528
I don't understand.
You guys talked for 30 minutes.

136
00:04:28,572 --> 00:04:30,747
How did our relationship
not come up?'Cause I got scared.

137
00:04:30,792 --> 00:04:32,576
There were so many things
that I wanted to tell her.

138
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,143
You ever thought how
weird it would be

139
00:04:34,185 --> 00:04:35,579
if you just gave
up your thumb?

140
00:04:35,622 --> 00:04:37,189
You just didn't
have a thumb.

141
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:39,452
I mean, how would you give a
thumbs up? Just like this?

142
00:04:39,495 --> 00:04:41,149
I think a guy died in the
building, 'cause one day

143
00:04:41,192 --> 00:04:43,370
in the Dumpster is a bunch
of clothes that just fit me.

144
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:45,415
[with British accent]:
What I like to do now

145
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:46,502
is take the
Underground, yeah?

146
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:48,939
Spend my quid. Cheers?

147
00:04:49,505 --> 00:04:50,463
[phone chimes]

148
00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:52,117
Oh, crap. This is her.

149
00:04:52,161 --> 00:04:53,683
She thinks I cheated, Jess.

150
00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:56,470
You know who
you should talk to? Berkley.

151
00:04:56,512 --> 00:04:59,341
He's so good at this stuff--
friendship, closure.

152
00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,517
Actually, he did write a book
about it. It's an e-book.

153
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:04,478
I gave it four stars, but it
kind of falls apart at the end.

154
00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:06,958
He goes into God in a way
I don't think he needs to.

155
00:05:07,002 --> 00:05:08,481
You know what?
I'm gonna text him?

156
00:05:08,524 --> 00:05:10,571
Why would I talk to
your ex-boyfriend

157
00:05:10,613 --> 00:05:11,572
about my ex-girlfriend?

158
00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:13,225
Well, you need
his help.

159
00:05:13,269 --> 00:05:14,836
No, no, no.You're right. Give me.
Can I see? Can I see?

160
00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,271
Can I see?
Yeah. Yeah.

161
00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:17,490
"Hey, babe..."
Don't call him "babe."

162
00:05:17,533 --> 00:05:18,579
It's just what
we call each other.

163
00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:19,927
"BF problems"?

164
00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:21,581
My boyfriend
is having problems.

165
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:23,627
XOXO?
It's a really
common greeting.

166
00:05:23,670 --> 00:05:25,454
"Kissing you, hugging you,
kissing you, hugging you"?

167
00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:27,762
What else am I gonna write?
"O-O-O"?

168
00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:29,589
That just looks like "Oh..."

169
00:05:29,632 --> 00:05:31,286
You're leading
him on, Jess.

170
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,071
Oh, Nick.
You are.

171
00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:34,595
Berkley's really
gonna teach you a lot.

172
00:05:34,637 --> 00:05:36,466
Men don't talk to
people they've dated

173
00:05:36,509 --> 00:05:38,816
unless they want sex,
or they're Winston.

174
00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:40,817
I also want sex.Going to Schmidt's.

175
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,603
He's been begging
us to all week.

176
00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:44,300
Jess, men are sick.

177
00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:46,997
Look, I'm a relatively good
guy, but even I'm a sicko.

178
00:05:47,042 --> 00:05:49,000
Luckily, we have the Internet
as a community of...

179
00:05:49,043 --> 00:05:50,480
[phone chimes]

180
00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,047
Oh, this is terrible!

181
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,439
She's quoting scriptures,

182
00:05:53,483 --> 00:05:55,485
but using tons
of cuss words.

183
00:05:55,528 --> 00:05:57,399
This is as bad as it
gets with Caroline.
Okay.

184
00:05:57,444 --> 00:06:00,315
Berkley's around the corner
at his baby's world music class.

185
00:06:01,317 --> 00:06:03,971
Okay, you know
what? I'm in.

186
00:06:04,014 --> 00:06:05,668
Great.
What kind of beer
does Berkley like?

187
00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:07,278
He doesn't.
Oh, great.

188
00:06:07,322 --> 00:06:09,106
I cannot wait
to meet him.

189
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,458
Fellas.

190
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:14,504
You made it. As promised,
here's a coupon for a free sub.

191
00:06:14,548 --> 00:06:15,853
Yup.
[chuckles]

192
00:06:15,896 --> 00:06:17,507
Probably get ham.

193
00:06:17,550 --> 00:06:19,682
Wow, man. [laughs]

194
00:06:19,726 --> 00:06:21,555
It's nice inside
of here, man.
Yeah.

195
00:06:21,598 --> 00:06:22,990
It's like a European airport.

196
00:06:23,033 --> 00:06:24,035
Oh, what's that?

197
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,297
Uh, you want to watch the game?

198
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:27,343
Which one? Basketball? Football?

199
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,430
Of Thrones?

200
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:30,346
WINSTON and COACH:
Oh!

201
00:06:30,389 --> 00:06:31,608
WINSTON:
That is awesome, man.

202
00:06:31,651 --> 00:06:33,088
Look at this
place, Schmidt.

203
00:06:33,130 --> 00:06:34,610
You got so many
plush surfaces.

204
00:06:34,654 --> 00:06:36,483
Well, there are 15 different
bang spots in here,

205
00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:38,485
each one specifically designated
to its own sexual position.

206
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:40,442
WINSTON:
Mm.

207
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,793
That's standing, this is
sitting, that's diagonal.

208
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,055
[laughs]
That's how I do it.

209
00:06:44,098 --> 00:06:45,317
The "Why? Why? Because."

210
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,884
The "Closure
of the Lincoln Tunnel."

211
00:06:46,927 --> 00:06:48,886
The "Red Beanbag Chair."

212
00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:51,062
Which is pretty obvious, but,
you know, that's a good one.

213
00:06:51,105 --> 00:06:52,499
The "Glass Menagerie."

214
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:53,629
The "Bike Share."
Nice.

215
00:06:53,673 --> 00:06:54,675
The "Backwards Oops."

216
00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:55,850
What is "backwards oops"?

217
00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:57,677
You don't want to put it... mm.

218
00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:58,591
You don't know what it means.

219
00:06:58,634 --> 00:06:59,636
I mean, I don't...

220
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,463
I've done it, I've done it,

221
00:07:01,507 --> 00:07:03,552
but I didn't know I was
doing it. You know, it was...

222
00:07:03,596 --> 00:07:04,553
Super cool, dude.

223
00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:06,468
I wish I had my own place.

224
00:07:06,512 --> 00:07:07,817
Guys, mi casa es su casa.

225
00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:09,906
I even made you guys keys.What?

226
00:07:09,951 --> 00:07:11,518
Check these out.
That one's yours.

227
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:12,954
Aw, it looks like a guitar.

228
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,129
Yeah, that's 'cause
you're rocking.

229
00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:15,478
Mine's a...

230
00:07:15,521 --> 00:07:17,175
It's a rainbow
kissing a star.

231
00:07:17,218 --> 00:07:18,742
You like it?
Blah!

232
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:20,134
Yeah.

233
00:07:20,177 --> 00:07:21,310
Guys, hang out here
anytime you want.

234
00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:22,963
Even now. Who's thirsty?Thanks.

235
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:23,920
Right there.
Dude!

236
00:07:23,964 --> 00:07:25,531
Shut up!Damn, man.

237
00:07:25,574 --> 00:07:27,403
You're like James Bond.[chuckles]

238
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,709
But I'll be... I'll be
Moneypenny, for sure.

239
00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:30,624
Yeah.
Wait, which one
is Moneypenny?

240
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:31,928
It's the woman.

241
00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:33,495
Oh.

242
00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:35,542
[whispering]

243
00:07:35,584 --> 00:07:36,759
So, did the store
have that, uh,

244
00:07:36,803 --> 00:07:38,153
bamboo highchair
you were looking for?

245
00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:39,720
No, not the one I wanted.

246
00:07:39,762 --> 00:07:41,199
So I think I'm just gonna...

247
00:07:41,242 --> 00:07:43,375
BOTH:
Order it online.

248
00:07:43,418 --> 00:07:44,680
[laughs]
You still got it.

249
00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:46,290
You still got it.

250
00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:48,076
Big deal, I've been online, too.
I still got it.

251
00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:49,730
It's different.[phone chimes]

252
00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,774
So, this is the problem.

253
00:07:51,819 --> 00:07:54,648
Nick didn't tell his ex
that we were together,

254
00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:57,519
and she found out, and now
she's really, really upset.

255
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:58,521
This is the scariest one yet.

256
00:07:58,564 --> 00:08:00,610
It's just a bunch
of smiley faces.

257
00:08:00,653 --> 00:08:03,221
Okay, um, not to be
all guy with a baby,

258
00:08:03,264 --> 00:08:06,790
but, uh, exes are really
a lot like newborns, okay?

259
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,661
The burps can be so yucky,

260
00:08:08,704 --> 00:08:10,446
but you know what comes
after a burp?

261
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,447
What?

262
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:13,014
A big old smile.

263
00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:14,406
Aw.

264
00:08:14,449 --> 00:08:17,018
What the hell
are you talking about?

265
00:08:17,060 --> 00:08:18,235
It was a metaphor, Nick.

266
00:08:18,279 --> 00:08:19,802
It was a classic
fatherhood metaphor.

267
00:08:19,846 --> 00:08:22,197
No, my-my point is
you just need to face her

268
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,329
and let her get it
all off her chest.

269
00:08:24,372 --> 00:08:25,591
Oh, I feel like
I've done that.

270
00:08:25,634 --> 00:08:27,028
No, you didn't.

271
00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:29,160
You just talked and talked
about nothing for 30 minutes.

272
00:08:29,204 --> 00:08:30,247
BERKLEY:
Okay, look, I know

273
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:31,771
it's hard; I know that, man.

274
00:08:31,814 --> 00:08:33,774
I'm here and I'm hearing it.

275
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:34,991
I mean, when Jess
and I did this,

276
00:08:35,036 --> 00:08:37,472
I think we cried for, like...
two days?

277
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,475
I mean, at least.
But look.

278
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,956
Now I have such a good friend,
and we talk all the time,

279
00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:43,217
and he's such a good listener.

280
00:08:43,260 --> 00:08:44,827
Say what? I can't hear you.

281
00:08:44,871 --> 00:08:47,221
[laughs]

282
00:08:47,264 --> 00:08:49,354
[laughs]

283
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:50,921
Is this real?

284
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:53,620
You guys saw each other naked,
and now you're friends?

285
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:55,230
Yes, it's the purest form
of friendship.

286
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:56,578
Straight Leno and Eubanks.

287
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,188
[laughs]

288
00:08:59,755 --> 00:09:01,758
I just want to say
you're incredible,

289
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:04,543
and I'm so lucky
to have you in my life.

290
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:08,417
Okay, I took your advice.

291
00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:10,027
What do we got?

292
00:09:10,071 --> 00:09:13,813
"My bad.
Let's be friends, 'kay?"

293
00:09:13,856 --> 00:09:15,642
Smooth, but tough.

294
00:09:15,684 --> 00:09:16,643
That's not good, Nick.

295
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:18,514
Friendship is a, um...

296
00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:19,775
it's like a beautiful flower.

297
00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:21,604
You have to nourish it, okay?

298
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,649
You can't just buy it
at a store.
All right.

299
00:09:23,692 --> 00:09:26,434
First of all, it was a draft,
okay, and I'll fix it.

300
00:09:26,477 --> 00:09:28,741
And second of all,
with all due respect,

301
00:09:28,784 --> 00:09:32,222
you canbuy a flower at a store.

302
00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:34,529
[laughs] Millered!

303
00:09:34,573 --> 00:09:38,751
SCHMIDT: I know as an angel
you usually sleep in heaven,

304
00:09:38,794 --> 00:09:40,623
but would you care to spend
the evening at my place?

305
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:43,495
I think maybe I would.

306
00:09:43,538 --> 00:09:45,759
Fantastic choice.

307
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:47,282
Here's my address.

308
00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:49,588
There's usually
no place to park.

309
00:09:50,937 --> 00:09:52,068
Well, so where would I...?

310
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:53,722
You're a big girl.

311
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,376
You'll figure it out.

312
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:02,035
Uh, just tr-try
south of Sixth.

313
00:10:02,078 --> 00:10:04,298
There's usually a string
of open spaces down there.

314
00:10:04,341 --> 00:10:07,868
And there's not a right turn
on red on Fifth-- just FYI.

315
00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,783
Okay, here's the deal.

316
00:10:10,826 --> 00:10:12,654
I've been wanting to end things
with Claire for years now.

317
00:10:12,698 --> 00:10:14,264
And I'm gonna do it;
it's gonna take one phone call.

318
00:10:14,308 --> 00:10:16,354
What?She's gonna burn
all my clothes on the lawn.

319
00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:18,529
I don't care. I only want
to wear Henleys anyways.

320
00:10:18,573 --> 00:10:20,053
Jess, we can
finally be together.

321
00:10:20,096 --> 00:10:21,097
What?!

322
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:23,274
Wait, no, but leave your wife?!

323
00:10:23,317 --> 00:10:25,581
For you.
I'm gonna leave my wife for you.

324
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:26,929
Wait, what...?

325
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:28,365
"Thank you for being
so incredible."

326
00:10:28,409 --> 00:10:30,063
"So lucky to have
you in my life"?

327
00:10:30,106 --> 00:10:31,586
Jess.
Mm-mm.

328
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:33,544
When you said those
words, I knew.
No.

329
00:10:33,588 --> 00:10:35,243
Berkley, there's been
a fundamental

330
00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:36,809
misunderstanding here.

331
00:10:36,852 --> 00:10:38,899
You know the last time
Claire thanked me for anything?

332
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:41,727
It was when I was pulling out
her chair at our wedding.

333
00:10:41,770 --> 00:10:44,033
No...She doesn't appreciate me
like you do.

334
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:45,687
No, it's not happening.
No, no...

335
00:10:45,731 --> 00:10:48,517
Aah! Damn it, Winston! Oh, God.

336
00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:50,736
Pretend this is attached,
and there's water coming out.

337
00:10:50,779 --> 00:10:53,000
Okay.

338
00:10:53,913 --> 00:10:55,044
No, not like that.

339
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,698
[makes whooshing noise]

340
00:10:56,743 --> 00:10:57,744
It's not sexual!

341
00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:59,615
No! I'm not
feeding you water!

342
00:10:59,658 --> 00:11:00,702
Wet my mouth.
No!

343
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:03,052
Oh, hi.

344
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,837
Are you Schmidt's friend?What?

345
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:06,056
Sch-Schmidt's friend?

346
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,798
Where you at?
'Cause I'm ready to ea...

347
00:11:08,841 --> 00:11:10,321
Hey!

348
00:11:10,365 --> 00:11:12,932
My good friend... Frank...

349
00:11:12,975 --> 00:11:14,716
Scabopolis!

350
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,500
Ah, give me a hug,
you Greek son of a bitch!

351
00:11:16,544 --> 00:11:17,850
Come here!
What?

352
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,115
Where is this
coming from?

353
00:11:22,158 --> 00:11:23,986
You. The phone
calls, the texts,

354
00:11:24,030 --> 00:11:26,597
"Boyfriend problems,"
"I need you," hugs, kisses.

355
00:11:26,642 --> 00:11:27,990
What?More hugs, more kisses.

356
00:11:28,034 --> 00:11:29,340
I...You have been setting up

357
00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:31,125
dominoes for ten years.

358
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:32,386
And now they are falling.

359
00:11:32,429 --> 00:11:33,996
You have a baby, sir!I know.

360
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:36,390
And you are gonna make
such a good stepmom.

361
00:11:36,433 --> 00:11:38,000
I love you, Jessica.

362
00:11:38,044 --> 00:11:39,437
God, it feels good
to say that out loud

363
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,221
and not just to
my sleeping wife.

364
00:11:41,264 --> 00:11:42,745
NICK: [groans]
Guys, I need your help.

365
00:11:42,788 --> 00:11:44,138
You, hey!

366
00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:46,618
Nick was right about you,
and he can't know that,

367
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,533
so put a sock in it!What is wrong with me?

368
00:11:48,576 --> 00:11:49,838
Hi.
Hey.

369
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:50,797
I keep trying to
write to Caroline,

370
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:51,798
but I'm choking.

371
00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,234
I can't get past
"What's up, C?"

372
00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:55,409
[phone chimes]Oh, that's her.

373
00:11:55,452 --> 00:11:57,238
It says, "Come to the window,
friend." Friend.

374
00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,587
That's good. That's good.That's a good thing. Yeah.

375
00:11:59,630 --> 00:12:01,764
Caroline! Hey!

376
00:12:01,807 --> 00:12:05,462
You cheat on me and then
you want to be friends?!

377
00:12:05,506 --> 00:12:07,203
I'm just writing you an e-mail!

378
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:08,815
It's-it's not sending!

379
00:12:08,857 --> 00:12:11,033
Look, I'm gonna throw it down,
but I need my phone back!

380
00:12:11,077 --> 00:12:13,123
We talk now!
Caroline! Hey!

381
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,428
[car alarm wailing]

382
00:12:14,471 --> 00:12:15,211
Stop!

383
00:12:15,255 --> 00:12:16,386
Really excited to...

384
00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:17,998
No!...talk to you guys.

385
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,695
Hey, stop! That's not my car!

386
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,001
Tell Jess I said hi.

387
00:12:22,044 --> 00:12:23,611
No, Caroline,

388
00:12:23,654 --> 00:12:25,048
I parked down the street!

389
00:12:25,091 --> 00:12:27,528
It... Why am I telling you?!

390
00:12:31,097 --> 00:12:33,360
At least she can't get
into the building.

391
00:12:33,403 --> 00:12:35,188
Okay, what am I gonna do here?

392
00:12:35,231 --> 00:12:36,929
She cut off the power.

393
00:12:36,972 --> 00:12:38,235
No, Nick, that was you.
You turned off the light.

394
00:12:38,278 --> 00:12:39,584
All the other lights
are still on.

395
00:12:39,628 --> 00:12:41,456
My bad. Thank you.

396
00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:43,674
[quietly]: I know you're scared.
Let me be brave.

397
00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:45,241
You should go
because you have a wife

398
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:47,375
and you have a baby
and you love them.

399
00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:49,419
Jess, what are you, crazy?

400
00:12:49,463 --> 00:12:50,465
It's not safe out there.

401
00:12:50,508 --> 00:12:52,032
Berkley can't go. He stays here.

402
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:52,859
I don't think that...Thank you, Nick.

403
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:54,730
You're very welcome.

404
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,297
I'll be with you in just
one second, all right?

405
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,472
Mm-hmm.
And don't drink the
water by the bed.

406
00:12:58,515 --> 00:13:00,169
It's got my contacts in it.

407
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,432
[laughs]
Okay.

408
00:13:02,476 --> 00:13:03,956
What are you doing?

409
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,958
What are you doing?
And t-tell her that I'd like

410
00:13:06,001 --> 00:13:07,655
to be reimbursed
for those strawberries.

411
00:13:07,698 --> 00:13:09,701
What...? Dude.Why is she calling you Schmidt?

412
00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:11,485
I told her my name was Schmidt
in case we saw your mail.

413
00:13:11,528 --> 00:13:13,096
I don't just
leave mail out.

414
00:13:13,139 --> 00:13:15,054
This isn't a small business.
Get out.

415
00:13:15,097 --> 00:13:17,013
Dude, I'm about to seal the
deal. I'm not getting out.

416
00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:19,014
I'm about to...
I'm-I'm a deal sealer.

417
00:13:19,058 --> 00:13:20,495
I'm about to get
some squish, dude,

418
00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:22,105
and you need to not
get in between that.

419
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:23,889
I'm about to nail it
into the wall.

420
00:13:23,932 --> 00:13:25,673
Dude, I'm about to take
down that va-dragon.

421
00:13:25,716 --> 00:13:28,328
I'm about to pin the tail
on the va-donkey, dude.

422
00:13:28,371 --> 00:13:30,244
You better not stand
in the way of this.

423
00:13:30,287 --> 00:13:31,985
Don't call her a va-donkey.
I don't even know her well

424
00:13:32,028 --> 00:13:34,073
and I want her to leave,
but please don't call her

425
00:13:34,116 --> 00:13:35,118
a va-d... va-donkey.I won't. All right.

426
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:37,642
Please. I need this.

427
00:13:37,686 --> 00:13:39,253
Okay, fine.

428
00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:40,994
I will use the guest room.

429
00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:42,995
Yes.
Like an animal.

430
00:13:43,038 --> 00:13:44,866
Oh, yes.

431
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:46,563
Oh! Winston!

432
00:13:46,607 --> 00:13:47,652
What are you doing?!

433
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:49,044
Oh, we were just playing a game.

434
00:13:49,088 --> 00:13:51,004
You know, Bad Cop, Black Cop?

435
00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:52,744
It's me, Bertie!

436
00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:53,919
[groans]

437
00:13:53,962 --> 00:13:56,182
[elevator bell dings]

438
00:13:59,750 --> 00:14:02,231
Um, I might have been
wrong about some things,

439
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,364
um, some Berkley things.

440
00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:05,105
Hey, the screaming stopped.

441
00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:06,975
I knew she'd run
out of gas.[pounding on door]

442
00:14:07,019 --> 00:14:08,456
CAROLINE: "My bad"?!What?

443
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:10,110
"Let's be friends, 'kay"?!

444
00:14:10,153 --> 00:14:12,285
You couldn't even write out
"okay"?!

445
00:14:12,328 --> 00:14:13,940
It's go time, Nick.

446
00:14:13,982 --> 00:14:15,028
Time to break out
that burp cloth.

447
00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:16,551
Jess, let's give
him some space...

448
00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:17,769
[whispers]:
by going to a motel.

449
00:14:17,812 --> 00:14:19,466
I don't love you.

450
00:14:19,509 --> 00:14:21,250
I got a slight beer buzz.
Let's do it.

451
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,557
Yeah, don't go.

452
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:23,514
I thought you wanted me
to talk to her.

453
00:14:23,557 --> 00:14:24,994
Don't go right now.

454
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:26,168
I'm sorry.
You don'tlove me?

455
00:14:26,212 --> 00:14:27,126
Say it again?

456
00:14:27,169 --> 00:14:28,736
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

457
00:14:28,779 --> 00:14:29,912
Oh... What?!

458
00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:33,001
Then why have you led
me on for ten years?

459
00:14:33,046 --> 00:14:34,568
Oh, hell on Earth no!

460
00:14:34,611 --> 00:14:36,527
Oh, my God, I was right.

461
00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:38,834
He wants to bone you.Oh, come on, Nick!

462
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,052
NICK: Caroline,
I'll be right there.

463
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:43,186
I'm so sorry, Berkley.
You got cut off.

464
00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:44,317
Thank you, sir.No.

465
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,927
[mouthing]
BERKLEY:
May, 2004.

466
00:14:45,971 --> 00:14:48,582
You brushed my hand
at Dave Matthews concert

467
00:14:48,625 --> 00:14:50,192
during "Two Step.""Two Step"?

468
00:14:50,236 --> 00:14:52,629
Oh, my God.Or that time that
I helped you move,

469
00:14:52,673 --> 00:14:54,197
and I came over,
I was wearing sweatpants.

470
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,286
You couldn't stop
staring at my rig.

471
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:57,504
She loves looking at rigs.

472
00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,201
Why are you calling it a rig?!

473
00:14:59,245 --> 00:14:59,985
You're doing it again.

474
00:15:00,028 --> 00:15:01,422
One second, Caroline!

475
00:15:01,465 --> 00:15:03,032
Open this door!

476
00:15:07,775 --> 00:15:10,169
You think I wear this
sweater because I like it?

477
00:15:10,212 --> 00:15:10,996
It's a handsome sweater.

478
00:15:11,039 --> 00:15:12,649
That's right, I love you.No!

479
00:15:12,693 --> 00:15:13,956
BERKLEY:
What do you mean, no?
I don't want no.

480
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,217
Ooh!

481
00:15:15,261 --> 00:15:17,394
Open the door!
Come on!

482
00:15:17,437 --> 00:15:18,655
Schmidt?

483
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,005
You said to me that
I was incredible

484
00:15:20,048 --> 00:15:22,616
and you were so lucky,
and now here we are,

485
00:15:22,659 --> 00:15:24,400
we're trying to hook up
Nick with his ex-girlfriend.

486
00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:25,967
I mean, that's what
this is, right?

487
00:15:26,011 --> 00:15:27,013
That's not what we're doing.
No, it isn't.

488
00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:28,536
So let's just
do it, come on.

489
00:15:28,578 --> 00:15:29,450
Hey, hey,
Berkley, Berkley!

490
00:15:29,493 --> 00:15:30,841
Oh, no!No, no!

491
00:15:30,885 --> 00:15:32,626
No, what are you doing?Oh, no.

492
00:15:32,669 --> 00:15:34,629
'Kay!
Oh, hey!

493
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:37,197
Car-o-line.
Yeah...

494
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:40,940
You stole my boyfriend.

495
00:15:44,116 --> 00:15:46,206
Schmidt?

496
00:15:46,249 --> 00:15:47,380
Be right there!

497
00:15:47,423 --> 00:15:48,469
That should buy us some time.

498
00:15:48,511 --> 00:15:50,123
Coach, you stay with your girl--

499
00:15:50,165 --> 00:15:52,125
who thinks that you're me--
in my bedroom. Winston, you stay

500
00:15:52,168 --> 00:15:53,604
in the guest room
with Bertie doing

501
00:15:53,648 --> 00:15:54,822
whatever the hell it is
you guys are doing.

502
00:15:54,865 --> 00:15:56,216
Gross.I'm gonna keep Sarah...

503
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:58,217
[knocking]Almost there!

504
00:15:58,260 --> 00:16:00,001
I'm gonna keep Sarah
in the living room,

505
00:16:00,046 --> 00:16:02,438
using one of the living-dining-
open-floor-plan bang spots.

506
00:16:02,482 --> 00:16:05,659
Now, no exits, no entrances,
no Noises Offbaloney.

507
00:16:05,702 --> 00:16:06,660
Capeesh?

508
00:16:06,703 --> 00:16:08,270
Confirm my capeesh!

509
00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:09,359
Capeesh!
[mutters gibberish]

510
00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:11,013
Let's go.
Do it. All right.
Yeah.

511
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:12,710
Guys, guys!
Right.

512
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:15,278
This is the exact type of
baloney that I'm talking about.

513
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:17,932
Unbelievable. Guys, guys!

514
00:16:17,976 --> 00:16:19,586
I'm really glad
that we're doing this.

515
00:16:19,629 --> 00:16:21,676
Okay.
All right.

516
00:16:21,719 --> 00:16:23,591
I did not steal
your boyfriend.

517
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:24,940
Timeline. Now.

518
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:28,161
Okay, um...
you and Nick break up.

519
00:16:28,203 --> 00:16:29,639
London has
a great Olympics.

520
00:16:29,683 --> 00:16:31,120
Uh-oh, trouble in Syria.

521
00:16:31,163 --> 00:16:32,033
Board up your windows.

522
00:16:32,077 --> 00:16:34,254
Superstorm Sandy.

523
00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:36,298
Hey, over here.

524
00:16:36,342 --> 00:16:37,908
Me and Nick get together.

525
00:16:37,952 --> 00:16:39,519
And here's that beautiful
Sunday in the park

526
00:16:39,562 --> 00:16:40,695
that you and I went to,
and we have a wonderful Sunday.

527
00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:43,088
Shut up, Berkley!No, you shut up, Jess.

528
00:16:43,131 --> 00:16:44,046
Don't take this out on Jess.

529
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:45,525
Oh, oh, right,
it's the beginning,

530
00:16:45,568 --> 00:16:47,135
so you're being
all supportive now.

531
00:16:47,179 --> 00:16:48,876
He's still trying.
I mean, I bet he's still

532
00:16:48,919 --> 00:16:50,182
laughing at all
your jokes, right?

533
00:16:50,225 --> 00:16:53,229
Well... I have a great
instinct for comedy.

534
00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:55,057
All right, well, you know what,
you enjoy all that

535
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:57,668
while it lasts,
because I'll tell you what.

536
00:16:57,711 --> 00:17:00,192
It's not gonna be
long before he stops

537
00:17:00,235 --> 00:17:02,499
holding your hand
and starts high-fiving you

538
00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:05,327
and he stops letting you be
the little spoon and he starts

539
00:17:05,372 --> 00:17:08,201
drifting off during
important conversations.

540
00:17:08,243 --> 00:17:09,723
Are you listening right now?

541
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:11,726
What's that?

542
00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:13,857
Seriously, Nick?Jess, you're the
girlfriend now,

543
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:16,557
but one day
you're gonna be the ex.

544
00:17:16,599 --> 00:17:18,776
And two years after
he breaks up with you,

545
00:17:18,819 --> 00:17:20,821
he still won't tell you why.

546
00:17:22,737 --> 00:17:24,217
Um, okay, well,

547
00:17:24,259 --> 00:17:26,567
um... this has been
a really, um,

548
00:17:26,609 --> 00:17:29,090
neat talk, so, um...

549
00:17:29,134 --> 00:17:33,095
I'm gonna go...
sit in the shower,

550
00:17:33,138 --> 00:17:35,096
and, um, go over
the greatest hits in my mind.

551
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:36,358
BERKLEY: I'll just
be right here,

552
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:38,144
picturing the whole
sudsy thing.

553
00:17:38,186 --> 00:17:39,536
Hey, hey, homeboy,
I'm right here.

554
00:17:39,579 --> 00:17:41,190
How about a little respect?

555
00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:43,323
I know. What, you...
This is obviously happening.

556
00:17:43,365 --> 00:17:44,279
JESS:
No, it's not!

557
00:17:44,324 --> 00:17:45,802
Where's your brain?

558
00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:51,156
Hey, Jess, you okay?

559
00:17:53,201 --> 00:17:55,551
[voice breaking]:
No.

560
00:17:55,596 --> 00:17:58,816
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

561
00:17:58,859 --> 00:18:01,515
[sobs]: I've led a
very fortunate life.

562
00:18:01,557 --> 00:18:02,690
Look, Jess, you were right.

563
00:18:02,732 --> 00:18:04,257
No, you were right.

564
00:18:04,299 --> 00:18:05,779
I feel like
such a fool.

565
00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:08,173
You were right
about everything.

566
00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:09,784
No, I wasn't.

567
00:18:09,826 --> 00:18:12,568
Caroline deserves
to know why I left.

568
00:18:13,569 --> 00:18:15,049
And you should hear, too.

569
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,362
I'm thirsty! Stop!
Let me go, boy! What the...No, no, no, come, come...

570
00:18:22,404 --> 00:18:23,928
Whoa!

571
00:18:23,971 --> 00:18:25,146
Who the hell are you?

572
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:27,061
Who the hell are you?

573
00:18:27,105 --> 00:18:28,193
Schmidt.
What?

574
00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:29,499
Frank Scabopolis
is up in here

575
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:30,760
making out with
some bitch.

576
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:32,067
SCHMIDT:
That's not necessary.

577
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,155
I mean...Who's Frank Scabopolis?

578
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,419
Aren't you Schmidt?!I-I am Schmidt.

579
00:18:36,462 --> 00:18:38,290
I thought you
were Schmidt.
I am Schmidt.

580
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:40,596
Uh...Uh, w-we're brothers.

581
00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:43,077
We are, we're-we're brothers.
What an upbringing that was.

582
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,297
Yeah, same mom,
different dads.

583
00:18:44,339 --> 00:18:46,080
One browner.
[sighs]

584
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:49,432
Then who the hell
is Frank Scabopolis?

585
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:50,999
Yeah.[door opens]

586
00:18:51,041 --> 00:18:53,393
I am Frank Scabopolis!

587
00:18:53,435 --> 00:18:55,002
[sighs]

588
00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:57,309
Is this helping, Schmidt?
I forgot the plan.

589
00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:59,834
Winston, please shut up.Plan? What plan?!

590
00:18:59,876 --> 00:19:01,878
I... there's no plan.
I know nothing about a plan.

591
00:19:01,923 --> 00:19:04,446
Is this some little
nasty group sex games

592
00:19:04,490 --> 00:19:06,231
y'all got going
on up in here?

593
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:08,669
Been a couple years,
but... I'm down.

594
00:19:08,711 --> 00:19:10,323
[groans]I didn't want to know that.

595
00:19:10,365 --> 00:19:11,366
I am out of here.

596
00:19:11,411 --> 00:19:13,326
I'm way ahead of you.No, no, please!

597
00:19:13,368 --> 00:19:16,111
Sarah, please, wait!
I can... ugh.

598
00:19:16,154 --> 00:19:17,852
[sighs] Just...

599
00:19:17,894 --> 00:19:20,462
[clears throat] Well,
I'm gonna go back to bed.

600
00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:23,423
Schmidt, that
mattress is heaven.

601
00:19:23,465 --> 00:19:26,034
It's pretty good.

602
00:19:26,076 --> 00:19:27,470
See?

603
00:19:27,513 --> 00:19:29,558
You don't think I'm
scary, do you, baby?

604
00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:31,299
Oh, whoa!
Oh!

605
00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:32,300
No. Hey, no.
[laughs]

606
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:33,650
I was just kidding.
No.

607
00:19:33,693 --> 00:19:34,912
Hey, Caroline, there's
something I need to say.

608
00:19:34,955 --> 00:19:36,086
Nick, you don't
have to do this.

609
00:19:36,131 --> 00:19:37,827
NICK:
No, I-I do.

610
00:19:37,872 --> 00:19:40,917
Look, I never cheated on you,
but I might as well have.

611
00:19:42,049 --> 00:19:43,486
See, I fell in love with Jess

612
00:19:43,529 --> 00:19:44,922
the moment she walked
through the door.

613
00:19:46,271 --> 00:19:48,098
Boo!Really?

614
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:49,665
Sorry.

615
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:52,016
The moment I walked
through the door?

616
00:19:52,059 --> 00:19:53,278
Really?

617
00:19:53,322 --> 00:19:56,368
'Cause I thought I annoyed you.

618
00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:58,066
Can we do this later, please?

619
00:19:58,108 --> 00:19:58,935
It's just not a great-- yeah.Yeah, okay. Got it, yup.

620
00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:00,328
Got it.

621
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:02,156
Caroline, she's the reason
that I left.

622
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:05,203
I always thought
that it was Jess.

623
00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:08,250
I'm glad I'm not crazy.

624
00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:09,250
Well...

625
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:10,599
Hmm.

626
00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:12,340
Thanks for telling me the truth.

627
00:20:12,384 --> 00:20:13,733
Oh, I'm just sorry
it didn't happen sooner.

628
00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:15,387
Don't touch me.
I'm so sorry.

629
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:16,650
I was kidding.

630
00:20:16,692 --> 00:20:18,304
There's that famous
Milwaukee humor.

631
00:20:18,346 --> 00:20:19,913
I'm not from Milwaukee.

632
00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:21,394
You honestly scare me.

633
00:20:21,436 --> 00:20:22,742
Good-bye, Nick.

634
00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:23,917
Bye.

635
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:25,093
JESS:
Hey.

636
00:20:25,135 --> 00:20:27,050
Look, Berkley, um,

637
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:29,967
I'm so sorry that you got
the wrong idea about us.

638
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:32,970
You were right.

639
00:20:33,013 --> 00:20:34,884
I did play some part in it.

640
00:20:34,929 --> 00:20:36,538
Thank you.

641
00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:39,325
Good luck, Jessica.
Thanks.

642
00:20:39,367 --> 00:20:40,847
See you later, bud.

643
00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:42,414
[sighs]

644
00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:44,329
I really don't want
to go back to my wife.

645
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:45,895
Do you guys want
to play cards or something...

646
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:47,942
Go. Just go.Get out of here.

647
00:20:50,378 --> 00:20:52,163
[door closes]

648
00:20:53,773 --> 00:20:55,471
The moment I walked
through that door, huh?

649
00:20:55,515 --> 00:20:57,559
Just be cool about it.

650
00:20:57,604 --> 00:20:59,910
'Cause for me,
it was waylater.

651
00:20:59,953 --> 00:21:01,346
Yeah, I know.Like, a lot later...

652
00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:04,349
Oh, come here already.

653
00:21:04,393 --> 00:21:05,699
You could use that
for something.

654
00:21:05,741 --> 00:21:07,221
That's the "Glass Menagerie."Yeah.

655
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,570
I'll sit her down
right on top of that.

656
00:21:08,615 --> 00:21:09,484
Oh, absolutely.

657
00:21:09,528 --> 00:21:11,182
The, uh, "Star 68."

658
00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:12,444
Where's that at?

659
00:21:12,488 --> 00:21:13,489
Right there
on that pillow.
Oh.

660
00:21:13,532 --> 00:21:14,969
Wow.
The "Jumanji."

661
00:21:15,011 --> 00:21:16,710
Yeah, you do the...
the "U Lock" on here.

662
00:21:16,752 --> 00:21:17,753
That'd be cool.
[chuckles]

663
00:21:17,798 --> 00:21:19,190
The "Jean-Michel Basquiat."

664
00:21:19,233 --> 00:21:20,191
Oh, okay.

665
00:21:20,234 --> 00:21:21,540
The "Fabric Softener."

666
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:23,106
That's the "Kansas City Shaker."

667
00:21:23,151 --> 00:21:24,805
This, right here?
I like that.
Yeah.

668
00:21:24,847 --> 00:21:26,459
Back there,
that's the "Nia Vardalos."

669
00:21:26,501 --> 00:21:28,721
Ooh. That's nice, dude.[chuckles]: Nice.

670
00:21:28,765 --> 00:21:31,333
That one's "Sex on the Rug."

671
00:21:31,376 --> 00:21:32,900
Which is... and, again,
it's pretty obvious.
Okay.

672
00:21:32,942 --> 00:21:34,596
That's super-obvious.But that's... you know,

673
00:21:34,641 --> 00:21:35,336
Why mess with a classic?

674
00:21:36,990 --> 00:21:40,255
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org