1
00:00:01,869 --> 00:00:05,306
* Oh, snap, snap,
oh, snap, snap. *

2
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,141
Wow. That sounds
pretty good.

3
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:09,076
Thank you.
Hey, listen, Schmidt,

4
00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:11,478
I've been kind of stuck on
this whole career search thing.

5
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:12,913
Oh.
You think I could be
good at advertising?

6
00:00:12,945 --> 00:00:14,247
I mean, that's
what you do, right?

7
00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:16,516
Advertising is a dog
drinking beer,

8
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:18,551
a fat moron
falling down the stairs,

9
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:20,153
a snot-nosed brat

10
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,155
kicking his rapping grandpa
in the testicles.

11
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:24,257
(laughing): Rapping grandpa
kills me, though.
(laughing): Yeah.

12
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,359
I am in marketing, Winston.

13
00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:28,228
The backbone of capitalism.

14
00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,431
Without it, you'd be dead
in two days.
I could be
good at that.

15
00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:32,566
Probably not, but you can shadow
me at work today to find out.

16
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,701
Yeah! Team Drug Store
back from

17
00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:36,704
Mission: Drug Store,
right, Coach?

18
00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:39,039
Yeah. Uh, can
I have my bag?

19
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,107
JESS:
Yeah. Good stuff.

20
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:41,908
Good stuff.
Thanks.

21
00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,543
So, same time
next week, right?

22
00:00:43,576 --> 00:00:45,713
Team Drug Store? We'll go again
to the drug store?

23
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,215
Team Drug Store?

24
00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:48,848
Ugh! God! What a walnut!

25
00:00:48,881 --> 00:00:50,518
(scoffs)

26
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,853
It's been two months
we've been living with him,

27
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,454
and I have yet to crack him.

28
00:00:54,487 --> 00:00:56,423
It's like we just
spent an hour together.

29
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,192
It was, like, nothing,
no connection.

30
00:00:58,225 --> 00:00:59,393
And don't tell me
it's in my mind,

31
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:00,628
because it's not.

32
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,028
We ran into one of his friends,

33
00:01:02,061 --> 00:01:03,930
and Coach said
the meanest thing about me.

34
00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:05,266
Check these out.

35
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:06,966
Can you believe these
are for glaucoma?

36
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,570
She's my buddy's girlfriend.

37
00:01:12,004 --> 00:01:13,941
You are my girlfriend.
What's the big deal?

38
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:16,310
I want him to think of me
as his friend.

39
00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:18,078
Oh, I hear that.
Well, it'll happen
if it's meant to.

40
00:01:18,111 --> 00:01:19,879
I need to find a way in.

41
00:01:19,912 --> 00:01:21,581
I found a way to force myself
into all of your lives.

42
00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:22,716
You just didn't know it.

43
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,718
Food, clothes,
onesie pajamas.

44
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,319
(laughs)
I like the butt flap.

45
00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:27,754
You really think
mine was food?

46
00:01:27,787 --> 00:01:29,789
I can think of five
other reasons

47
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:31,792
I wanted to be your friend.

48
00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:34,262
Boob, boob, vagina,
butt cheek, butt cheek.
In that order?

49
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:35,662
Well, I'm not gonna say,

50
00:01:35,695 --> 00:01:37,397
"Vagina, butt cheek, boob,
butt cheek, boob."

51
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:38,932
Yeah, but that's the correct...
That's the order, yeah.

52
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:42,069
* Who's that girl?
* Who's that girl? *

53
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,503
* Who's that girl?

54
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,438
* Who's that girl? *
* It's Jess.

55
00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:47,174
JESS:
Look, Nick, I need help.

56
00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:49,343
Like, tell me about Coach.
Like, what's up with him?

57
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:51,078
What does he like?
What does he dislike?

58
00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:53,414
Well, Coach 101 is,
he's watching basketball.
Yeah.

59
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,283
And that's all he's gonna do
from October till June.

60
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,850
His team's the Pistons.

61
00:01:57,884 --> 00:01:59,287
I mean, they were great
in the '80s,

62
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:00,487
but then we got Jordan.

63
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:01,355
Then they started getting good.

64
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:02,822
Then we got Thibodeau.

65
00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:04,692
What you gonna do now?
And he knows that.

66
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,527
That's genius. Basketball.
That's my way in.
Basketball's

67
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,628
not your in. You don't know
anything about basketball.

68
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:11,131
Come on.
You refer to it
as "basketsball."

69
00:02:11,164 --> 00:02:13,200
Well, that's the
technically-correct term, Nick.

70
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:14,768
There are two baskets.

71
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,036
I'm an English teacher.

72
00:02:16,068 --> 00:02:17,971
Basketball's just
the first step.

73
00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,372
We sit down,
we watch a game.

74
00:02:19,407 --> 00:02:20,774
We have a few laughs.

75
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,810
Before you know it,

76
00:02:22,842 --> 00:02:25,179
we'll be digging
into each other's pasts.

77
00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:26,146
That's not how it works, though.

78
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,381
Childhoods, Nick.

79
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:28,649
That's the friendship
money shot.

80
00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:30,050
Men watch sports

81
00:02:30,082 --> 00:02:31,618
so we don't have
to talk about childhood stuff.

82
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,221
No.
It's a real thing.

83
00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:35,122
And the game doesn't even
have deeper meaning.

84
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,824
Come on.
And there's no layers to it.

85
00:02:36,856 --> 00:02:40,060
If I'm talking about a player
overcoming the defense to win,

86
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:42,462
that's not like
I'm overcoming it.
No. Come on.

87
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,397
Not only that. He's a Pistons
fan, and I'm a Bulls fan.

88
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,234
Right. I don't
understand, no.

89
00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:48,836
It's rivalries.
Sharks and cats.

90
00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:50,137
Yankees, Red Sox.

91
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,972
Whales and dolphins.

92
00:02:52,004 --> 00:02:53,574
Pistons fan, Bulls fan.
End of discussion.

93
00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:56,477
I get it. Jean Valjean
and Javert.

94
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:57,978
Yeah, definitely.

95
00:02:58,010 --> 00:03:00,681
This is like a Jean Vanjer
and Vajer situation.

96
00:03:00,713 --> 00:03:02,316
So, where do you do
the marketing?

97
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:03,717
Oh, Winston, so
sweet, so naive.

98
00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,085
Where do we do
the marketing?

99
00:03:05,117 --> 00:03:06,887
We do the marketing
everywhere.

100
00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:09,156
Now, you're gonna want to
take notes on everything I do,

101
00:03:09,188 --> 00:03:11,859
'cause you're about to see life
happen at the speed of business.

102
00:03:11,891 --> 00:03:13,826
Schmidt. I have a
task for you.
Hi, Kim.

103
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:16,329
We got a new guy, and I
want you to show him around.

104
00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,431
Wait. Who's this?
Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt.

105
00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:20,401
Called my bluff. Don't care.

106
00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:21,435
Ed?

107
00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:22,436
Come meet Schmidt.

108
00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:24,271
Okeydokey.

109
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:26,006
That's the new guy?
Mm-hmm.

110
00:03:26,038 --> 00:03:27,174
New compared to what, the moon?

111
00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:28,442
Here's what happened.

112
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:31,110
Gwen turned 45,
so we had to fire her.

113
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:33,281
Obviously. So, wait.

114
00:03:33,313 --> 00:03:34,914
Gwen's job is available?

115
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,082
Yeah, but then Grandma
turned around

116
00:03:36,115 --> 00:03:37,585
and filed an ageism lawsuit,

117
00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:39,719
so we hired Bran Flakes here
to cover our ass.

118
00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:41,454
Just do it.
All right, I'll do it.

119
00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:43,223
Well, here I am.
Okay.

120
00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:45,759
I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted
you to learn from the best.

121
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:48,528
Well, actually, they said your
office was closest to the can.

122
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:51,764
I got a prostate the
size of an "avacada."

123
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,366
"Closest to the can."

124
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:54,401
Do not write that down, Winston!

125
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,235
Is it not closest to the can?

126
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,639
(indistinct voice on TV,
knocking on door)
Yes!

127
00:03:58,671 --> 00:04:00,307
Hey. Whoa.

128
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:01,741
(coughs)

129
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,711
I stay sealed off
during basketball season.

130
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:06,646
Plus, I, uh, dropped some olives
under the bed, can't reach 'em.

131
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,147
Oh. I got little pinchers.

132
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:10,418
(laughs)
Okay. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yoom.

133
00:04:10,450 --> 00:04:12,385
Hey, so...

134
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:16,088
I was gonna watch the, uh,
Pistons of Detroit game.

135
00:04:16,122 --> 00:04:17,658
Don't really have
the reach for that.

136
00:04:17,690 --> 00:04:19,293
(grunts)
Good thing I got legs.

137
00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:20,761
Wait. You like the Pistons?
Oh, yeah. Just like you.

138
00:04:20,793 --> 00:04:21,894
Are you serious?!

139
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,596
Yeah, I'm dead serious.

140
00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:25,064
Aw!
So, you in?

141
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,500
Be cool to watch it
on a big TV.

142
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,636
I found your olives.

143
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:30,403
Oh, you did?
Thought they were
gonna be in a jar.

144
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:31,305
No.

145
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,641
This is a big part
of the biz, my man.

146
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,744
Networking, face
time, making deals.

147
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:40,180
Normally, this would have a much
sexier, businessman's vibe.

148
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:43,483
But not when I'm dragging around
this old drooling potato.

149
00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:46,353
"Potata"? Yeah, I can
split a baked "potata."

150
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:47,855
What a life you must
have lead.
Ah.

151
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:49,322
Tell us about the streetcar,
will you?

152
00:04:49,356 --> 00:04:50,957
Oh, it was a dynamite
way to get around.

153
00:04:50,990 --> 00:04:52,992
Mm-hmm.
Pasadena to
to the beach...

154
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,762
Hey.
I'll take another one
of these.

155
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,196
Sure.

156
00:04:56,228 --> 00:04:58,098
You know, Cece,
I can't help but think

157
00:04:58,130 --> 00:05:00,468
that I am just following
another bad lead

158
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,002
with this marketing thing.

159
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:05,172
All I'm doing is taking a bunch
of notes for Schmidt.

160
00:05:05,204 --> 00:05:07,841
What's this? "Seems
befuddled and totally lucid,

161
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,877
smells too clean"?
Those were just
notes about Ed.

162
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,879
I'll tell you what.
That dude is

163
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,882
way more interesting
than marketing.

164
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,216
If I'm gonna take Gwen's job

165
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,285
and become the next CIO
of Ass-Strat,

166
00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:20,553
I can't just
embrace modernization.

167
00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,956
I got to make babies with it.
Do you know what I mean?

168
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,391
It's time to unveil my baby.

169
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:26,627
Micro-marketing.

170
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,461
Yeah, we target
our messages directly

171
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,564
to the individual consumer.

172
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,132
What a good idea.

173
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,534
They're gonna hold a
ticker-tape parade for you

174
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,136
in the Jewish part of town.

175
00:05:36,168 --> 00:05:37,737
That's right.
In the Jewish part of town.
Yeah.

176
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:39,072
(indistinct voices on TV)

177
00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:42,009
Mm.
Nothing but net.

178
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,744
Traditionally,
"nothing but net"

179
00:05:43,776 --> 00:05:45,345
refers to hitting nothing
but inside of the net.

180
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,646
Oh?
Ah, so,

181
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,848
yeah, no.

182
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,048
(horn blares on TV)

183
00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:50,384
Oh, time-out.

184
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:51,552
Butt bump.

185
00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:53,052
What?

186
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:55,088
I'm ready.
What? The butt...? Oh.

187
00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,355
Come on.

188
00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:58,425
All right.

189
00:05:58,459 --> 00:05:59,726
Hey! Hey! What is that?

190
00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:01,261
It's the Pistons butt bump.

191
00:06:01,293 --> 00:06:03,062
I didn't know your girlfriend
was a Pistons fan.

192
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,230
(laughs)

193
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:05,565
That's got to suck
for you, man.

194
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:06,934
But I guess everything sucks
for you

195
00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:08,569
when you root for the Bulls.

196
00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:09,670
(laughs)

197
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,904
Butt bump! Ah.
Ah. Ooh.

198
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:14,374
Oh, cool, cool, cool. So you're
a Pistons fan now, Jess?

199
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,677
COACH:
Suck it, Bulls!

200
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,278
Yeah. Suck it, Bulls!

201
00:06:18,310 --> 00:06:20,947
COACH:
The worst team
in the league, the Bulls.

202
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,582
Oh, it's the worst team
in the league, all right.

203
00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:24,384
Who is the worst team
in the league, Jess?
The Bulls.

204
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:25,586
(Coach laughs)

205
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,754
* The Bulls are the worst team

206
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,723
* In the league.

207
00:06:30,923 --> 00:06:32,659
Hey.

208
00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:36,196
So, went really well today.

209
00:06:36,228 --> 00:06:39,466
I think Coach and I
are really connecting.

210
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,634
Come on, what is that?

211
00:06:43,836 --> 00:06:45,773
What do you mean?

212
00:06:45,805 --> 00:06:47,475
What? Oh, Coach
gave this to me.

213
00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,308
How cute is this shirt?

214
00:06:49,341 --> 00:06:50,610
Don't take this
the wrong way, but I'm gonna

215
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:51,644
need you to get
out of my bed.

216
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,613
Why? Because
of the shirt?

217
00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:54,615
100% because of the shirt.

218
00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,382
Oh, my God, you're serious.

219
00:06:56,415 --> 00:06:58,752
I can't have you in my bed
in a Pistons shirt.
Oh, my God!

220
00:06:58,786 --> 00:06:59,952
I need you
to get out of the bed.

221
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,588
Jess, I need you
to get out of there.

222
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,956
(scoffs)
I tried being cool
about it, but it's not cool.

223
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:05,658
Really?
Really.

224
00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:06,927
Nick, it's just basketball.

225
00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:07,995
Why are you taking this
personally?

226
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,896
Because it's personal, Jess!

227
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,098
That's my team.

228
00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,565
It's the city that I'm from.

229
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,901
It's most of my relationship
with my dad.

230
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,235
R.I.P., by the way.

231
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,071
Michael Jordan.

232
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,339
The first man that taught me
that I could love a man.

233
00:07:20,372 --> 00:07:22,408
And the Pistons
are our rivals.

234
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,644
They're like in Hamlet--

235
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:26,079
the McCalls and the...
Hacksperes.

236
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,447
You're my girlfriend now,

237
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,850
so... you got to be a Bulls fan.

238
00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:31,283
That's the whole point, Nick.

239
00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:32,685
Coach just thinks of me
as your girlfriend,

240
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,420
and I want him
to know me for me.

241
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,255
Do you want me
to be friends with Coach?

242
00:07:36,288 --> 00:07:38,257
I-I absolutely do. Yes.

243
00:07:38,290 --> 00:07:40,259
So, then, why can't
I be a Pistons fan

244
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,427
until we become friends,

245
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,930
and then I'll switch
to the Bulls?

246
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,463
So every year you can
just pick a new team?

247
00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,266
You meet a new friend,
you're a fan of that?

248
00:07:46,298 --> 00:07:47,701
I could never trust you.

249
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,302
Can we just have sex now,
please?

250
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,872
I'm sorry. You can't be
a Pistons fan. I forbid it.

251
00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:53,173
It has to be this way.

252
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:55,608
You can't forbid
me to do stuff.

253
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:58,846
That's just not... You...
That's not within your power.
I just did.

254
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:02,214
The shirt stays!
Jessica, you're leaving me
no options here.

255
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:04,317
I'm gonna have
to turn off the tap.

256
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,687
What tap?
The sex tap.

257
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,322
But I need my vitamin D.

258
00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:12,560
As long as you're wearing
that shirt, the tap is off.

259
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:14,528
No more... hot water.

260
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:15,862
All right, fine, then.

261
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,831
My shirt and I
will go sleep in my bed.

262
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:26,338
NICK:
Oh. What happened to
your Pistons jersey?

263
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:28,542
Did you rip it off
and rush in here

264
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,577
'cause she got to
have it? (chuckles)

265
00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,511
Look, is this still a thing?
Oh, it's still a thing.

266
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,748
No sex for you as long
as you're a Pistons fan.

267
00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:36,349
You can't use sex
to manipulate...

268
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:37,585
What are you doing?
Oh.

269
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,418
Just brushing my dirty teeth.

270
00:08:39,451 --> 00:08:41,354
They're filthy.

271
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:44,423
Nick, do not challenge me
to a sex standoff.

272
00:08:44,456 --> 00:08:46,594
I can channel all
my sexual energy into knitting.

273
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,596
How do you think I made it
through high school?

274
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,563
It's good when you go fast
and then slow.

275
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:53,432
Make the teeth wait for it.

276
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:54,768
You're on.

277
00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:55,769
Oh!

278
00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:57,671
Oh! Oh!

279
00:08:57,705 --> 00:09:00,006
Oh! Yeah!
Oh! Yeah! Turnover!

280
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,075
Dunk it from the downtown!
Go! Go! Go!

281
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,778
Pass that pumpkin to Josh Smith.
You better listen
to my friend.

282
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:06,947
She knows exactly
what she's talking about!

283
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,948
Did you just call me
your friend?

284
00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:10,283
Hmm?

285
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,619
What's up, guys?

286
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,285
Ah, two minutes in,
and the Pistons are

287
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,522
already down by ten.
What a drag.

288
00:09:15,554 --> 00:09:16,789
What the heck
are you wearing, dude?

289
00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:18,759
Just my Scottie Pippens. Yeah.

290
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:21,794
Oh, hey, I'm just checking up
on you. You frustrated at all?

291
00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:23,963
You need your... vitamin D?

292
00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:24,965
No.

293
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,899
("Charge" plays on TV)

294
00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:28,067
(crowd cheering on TV)

295
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:30,070
Jessica...

296
00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:31,904
Three-point play! Yes!
Oh, yeah!

297
00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:33,273
That's what I'm talking about!

298
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:34,474
JESS:
We are talking
about the same thing,

299
00:09:34,506 --> 00:09:36,644
my friend and I.

300
00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:42,381
Do my berries make you hungry?

301
00:09:42,414 --> 00:09:43,482
(Nick spits)

302
00:09:43,515 --> 00:09:45,753
Mmm. Refreshing.

303
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:46,953
Just drink the water, Nick.

304
00:09:48,587 --> 00:09:49,489
You're turning yourself on now.

305
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:50,658
I really am, yeah.

306
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:52,392
(grunts)

307
00:09:52,424 --> 00:09:53,961
Okay, next order
of business is...

308
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,562
Kim, if I may, uh, present
an idea very quickly

309
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,498
to the group.
While I know...

310
00:09:58,530 --> 00:09:59,499
Micro-marketing.

311
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:00,933
What?
Has this company ever

312
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,235
considered
targeting

313
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,437
its message
to individual consumers?

314
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:07,240
Big data's knocking.
Let's open the door.

315
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:08,475
Just a thought.

316
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:09,777
Yeah, interesting.
Ed, look into that

317
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:11,144
and present it
to the board ASAP.

318
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:12,645
Great job.
I'd hug you,

319
00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,248
but you smell
like a public library.

320
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:18,118
(quietly):
What are you doing?
I may be dirty, but I play old.

321
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:22,755
You said that wrong.
And yet I got my paw
wrapped around your avacadas.

322
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,124
What is with you
and avacadas?

323
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:25,625
Sorry.

324
00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:28,761
You're never gonna
believe what Ed just did.

325
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:30,697
He stabbed you in the back.

326
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:32,700
Winston, that's exactly what
happened. How did you do that?

327
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:33,933
I figured him out, Schmidt.

328
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:35,268
SCHMIDT:
That liver spot

329
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,169
out-sharked me.
Can you believe that?

330
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,971
I'm-I'm a minnow.

331
00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:41,808
Tomorrow, Ed is gonna
present my idea to the board,

332
00:10:41,841 --> 00:10:44,144
and then he's gonna get
the... get the promotion.

333
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,779
My career is toast.
Minnow toast.

334
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,548
Yeah, well, I tip
my hat to him.

335
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:50,783
The minnow tips his
tiny hat to the shark,

336
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:52,885
and then lays down on
the toast to be eaten.

337
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,888
There is too much going on in
whatever metaphor you're trying.

338
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,155
Okay? It's too busy.

339
00:10:56,188 --> 00:10:57,490
Somewhat made se...
Oh, forget it.

340
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,326
Ed wins. I'm a mess.

341
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,626
Hell, no, Schmidt.

342
00:11:00,659 --> 00:11:02,662
Justice has to be served,
all right?

343
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,563
Mm-hmm.
Right. Let us stop Ed.

344
00:11:04,596 --> 00:11:07,801
The minnow needs
to get up off of...

345
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,501
No, off of the toast mat

346
00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:13,774
and fish-fight his way
to the Orangutan Ball.

347
00:11:14,606 --> 00:11:16,543
I just don't understand

348
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:20,246
why they keep giving
these games away!

349
00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:21,681
You know what it was?

350
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,182
It was that turnover
in the third quarter.

351
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,683
Right.
Yeah. I'll show you.

352
00:11:24,717 --> 00:11:26,418
I can just take
your word for it.

353
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:28,221
Actually, let's do it
from the beginning.

354
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:31,557
You want to watch the game
we just watched all over again?

355
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,559
Mm-hmm.
With both overtimes?

356
00:11:33,592 --> 00:11:35,327
Mm-hmm.

357
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,264
Great.

358
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:47,506
Looking for somebody?

359
00:11:47,539 --> 00:11:49,109
Just doing a bed check.

360
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,543
And you are
accounted for, so...

361
00:11:51,577 --> 00:11:53,580
(clicks tongue)
see you.
So, how's it going?

362
00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:56,850
You guys bonding
over basketball, Jess?

363
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,085
We're actually

364
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,052
this close
to moving past basketball

365
00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:01,855
and into real friendship, so...
Great.

366
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,523
I'm feeling pretty good
about it.

367
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,024
After the Pistons lost,

368
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,059
did he get really sad
and talk to you about it?

369
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,628
About how he felt
and you guys

370
00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:09,929
became besties after?

371
00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:11,464
Or did that not happen

372
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:13,600
because that's not
the way men are?

373
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:16,135
The Pistons lost,

374
00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:18,205
so you must be feeling
pretty good.

375
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,940
Oh, I'm happy, yeah.
Yeah?

376
00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:21,607
You're feeling excited?
Mm-hmm.

377
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,143
Worked up?
Yeah.

378
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,278
Ready to cave?

379
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,047
Oh, I've never been stronger.
Oh, yeah?

380
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,817
So if I just read you
a description of,

381
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,717
like, what a piston does,

382
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:33,086
you know,

383
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,154
on my phone,
it wouldn't affect you at all?

384
00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:36,623
Is that what you're saying?

385
00:12:36,655 --> 00:12:37,657
It's just

386
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:39,091
a rod

387
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:41,061
that transfers,

388
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,895
uh, force

389
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,264
from the crank shaft...

390
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:45,631
What is this,
a seduction class

391
00:12:45,664 --> 00:12:47,234
for kindergarteners?

392
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,903
Watch the master work.

393
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,638
(grunting)

394
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:54,374
Ooh.

395
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:58,477
How about this?

396
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,018
A little Paula Abdul stuff.

397
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:07,888
Oh.

398
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:11,323
Yeah.

399
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:12,759
Are we doing this?
(chuckles)

400
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,193
Ha!
What are you doing?

401
00:13:14,226 --> 00:13:16,263
Ball's in my court now, pal.

402
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,130
(laughs)

403
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,667
I'm turning off my tap
until you become a Pistons fan.

404
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:21,768
Hey, that wasn't

405
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,503
part of the deal.
It is now.

406
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,105
Mmm.

407
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,840
(grunts)

408
00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:35,048
SCHMIDT:
I can't figure out
my counterstrike, Winston.

409
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:37,549
The only thing we know about Ed
is that he's old and cranky,

410
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:40,687
and he baffles me because
I'm so darn young and pleasant.

411
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,856
We just gotta get insight
into his old, cranky mind.

412
00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:45,893
We have to find an older,
crankier mind.

413
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,826
How are we gonna find an older,
crankier mind than Ed?

414
00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:49,028
Hey, where are you guys getting

415
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,330
your photos developed
these days?

416
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,965
I got these beefcake selfies

417
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:54,301
that I want to dangle
in front of Jess,

418
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,003
get her engine revved up.

419
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:57,136
Hmm.
Your phone

420
00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:58,404
has a camera, Nick.

421
00:13:58,437 --> 00:14:00,706
These are sexy, sensual,
private pics.

422
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,576
I don't want them beamed
right into Snowden's pocket.

423
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,245
I'm not going
through Wikileaks, man.

424
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,014
It's not for me. Analog,

425
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,215
it's the only thing
you can trust.

426
00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:09,548
You care to elaborate,

427
00:14:09,581 --> 00:14:10,984
you know,
on this whole analog thing?

428
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,318
No, here's the reality,
you never know

429
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:13,886
what's gonna happen
with a phone.

430
00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:15,923
Right.
The hinges that hold
the flip together,

431
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:18,557
Flip.
they get loosened over time
when-when they get wet.

432
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,259
And then once you open it,
it's easier for people

433
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,995
to go in there and see
your passwords and,

434
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:23,495
you know, see your codes.

435
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:24,431
Once the screen breaks,

436
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:25,498
your information's

437
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:26,566
in the Twitterverse, man.

438
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:27,833
And it's all out there

439
00:14:27,866 --> 00:14:29,068
for everyone to see,
all these little

440
00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:30,836
monkey elves, man,
all these kids.

441
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,705
That's all they do. (sputters)
Get your information, man.

442
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:33,941
Bottom line is
you can't control

443
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,707
your technology.

444
00:14:35,741 --> 00:14:37,543
That's what's going on in Japan
with all those robots.

445
00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:38,845
Not for me, man.

446
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,179
That's why I trust a hard copy.

447
00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:41,280
Plain and simple.

448
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:42,381
Hard copy, Schmidt.

449
00:14:42,414 --> 00:14:44,116
Nice work.
Thank you.

450
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,253
And, Nick, you know, if you're
gonna be taking boudoir shots,

451
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:47,419
please consult me.

452
00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:48,754
I know.
I have a series of poses

453
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:50,389
that many people,
including myself,

454
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:51,790
find very sexy.
All right.

455
00:14:51,823 --> 00:14:54,793
Okay, here's one
that I call the half nelson.

456
00:14:54,826 --> 00:14:55,794
Yeah, I didn't do that.

457
00:14:55,827 --> 00:14:57,764
This is called a Guy Fieri.

458
00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,198
Just taste the sauces.
Yeah.

459
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,067
Black licorice.
Ooh.

460
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:02,101
Yeah.

461
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:03,503
You're welcome.

462
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:06,273
Schmidt's dead wrong.

463
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:08,441
Oh, yeah?
I got some real
hot pics in here.

464
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,442
I don't care.
There's one of me
as a sexy mayor,

465
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:12,611
looking out the window,
deciding the future of my city.

466
00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:14,480
It's got to get her
going. (chuckles)

467
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:17,450
Daddy needs his cookie.

468
00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:20,052
Dude, just wear
the damn Pistons jersey.
Oh, my God,

469
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:21,488
I've got to end this.

470
00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:23,655
(wire snaps, Jess grunts)

471
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:25,725
COACH:
What time is it?!
(chuckles)

472
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,259
Game time!

473
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:30,163
Yeah!
Yeah!

474
00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:31,730
(singsongy):
It's my favorite time.

475
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,633
Other than... Medieval time.

476
00:15:33,665 --> 00:15:35,268
(chuckles):
All right.

477
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:36,302
Huh?

478
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,636
What the...?
What the...?

479
00:15:37,669 --> 00:15:39,172
Let me see what's...
Wait, no, I'll do it.

480
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:40,940
It's okay.

481
00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,241
(Jess gasps)

482
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:45,245
No! Oh, my God, a mouse...

483
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,148
rat or s...
uh, some creature.

484
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:51,618
I got to go watch it in my room.
Wait, no, no, no.
Coach, Coach, Coach,

485
00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:53,419
look, since we can't
watch the game,

486
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,088
why don't we just have a
nice, long chat over coffee?

487
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:58,325
What?
You know, just
talk, hang out.

488
00:15:58,357 --> 00:15:59,859
What?
And then coffee turns

489
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,760
to dinner, and dinner
turns to weekly dinner,

490
00:16:01,793 --> 00:16:04,630
and before you know it, I'm
best man at your beach wedding.

491
00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:06,798
Do we have to?

492
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,136
We don't... Okay.

493
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,509
You start.

494
00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,345
Me?

495
00:16:19,511 --> 00:16:22,548
Hey, you want
to do this over food?

496
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,051
Yes! Yes!

497
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,818
No! No, no, no, no!

498
00:16:26,852 --> 00:16:30,490
No! Come on! Get your head
out of your ass so you can see

499
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:31,557
where you're going, damn it!

500
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,025
(frustrated grunting)
Okay.

501
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:34,394
What?
I have to say it.

502
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,796
Coach, I...
(grunts)

503
00:16:36,828 --> 00:16:38,865
I don't like basketball.

504
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:41,533
What?
There's, like,
no fun parts.

505
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:43,470
There's no themes.

506
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,871
Men should not be
wearing tank tops, ever.

507
00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:48,475
Why were you pretending
to like basketball?

508
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,043
'Cause I wanted
to be friends with you.

509
00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:51,878
Dude, you're my
buddy's girlfriend.

510
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,812
We're watching the game.

511
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,249
What's the problem, dude?
What else do you want?
No, you're right.

512
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:59,985
I'm just, um... I'm just
Nick's girlfriend, so...

513
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:03,590
Enjoy the game. Okay.
Where are you going?

514
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:04,723
I'm just, um...

515
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,692
(muttering)

516
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,428
Jess... where...

517
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:09,996
Jess!

518
00:17:10,028 --> 00:17:12,531
Ladies, you all look
like a hundred bucks.

519
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:16,103
I hope someone's taking you out
for oysters Rockefeller tonight.

520
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:17,703
Now, before
I begin,

521
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,506
my little helper here will
distribute some handouts

522
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:20,839
for your reference.

523
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,842
Uh, you know what, Ed?
I'm really sorry.

524
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,211
Company printers
are on the fritz, so...

525
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,613
little helper that I am,

526
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:29,382
I decided to load everything
up onto the laptop.

527
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:34,221
There you go.

528
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:38,357
(laughing):
Well, I'm sure

529
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,227
there's a printer that works.

530
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:41,861
I'll just wait
for the hard copies.

531
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,363
(whispering):
I broke all the printers.

532
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:45,765
I'm gonna beat you with
an orange in a sock.

533
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:48,268
Besides, we're talking
about technology, aren't we?

534
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:50,202
Be a little silly
to talk about technology

535
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,403
without using technology.

536
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:52,404
Am I right, Kim?

537
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:53,605
Use the technology, Ed.

538
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,275
(chuckles)

539
00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:56,976
(clears throat)

540
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,711
Hup-i-dip-i-dip...

541
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,114
(clears throat)

542
00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:02,781
Oh...

543
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:04,750
(grunts) My left arm.

544
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:06,051
My neck.

545
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,453
(Ed gasping)

546
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,622
You got me this
time, Hebrew.

547
00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:10,990
But I'll be back.

548
00:18:11,022 --> 00:18:12,491
(groans)

549
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,894
This is why the cutoff's
at 45, ladies.

550
00:18:14,926 --> 00:18:15,894
(gasping)

551
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,596
(women murmuring)

552
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,532
SCHMIDT: Oh, okay. Okay.
(thudding)

553
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,438
NICK:
Jess! You win!

554
00:18:25,471 --> 00:18:26,939
I'm all backed up!

555
00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:29,576
I've even been
fantasizing about Winston!

556
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,310
Where is she, dude?

557
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,778
(laughing)

558
00:18:32,811 --> 00:18:34,247
Don't do that laugh.

559
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,847
(laughing)

560
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:37,616
What are you wearing, dude?

561
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:38,785
It's for sex.

562
00:18:38,817 --> 00:18:40,819
(singsongy):
You like the Pistons.

563
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:43,122
Why don't you
shut up, Coach?
(laughs)

564
00:18:43,155 --> 00:18:44,156
Where's Jess?

565
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,924
What is up with that girl, dude?

566
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,660
One minute we're watching
the game, the next she's, like,

567
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:49,596
calling me a jerk
and storming out of the place.

568
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:51,198
She just wants
to be your friend.

569
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:52,365
Any idiot can see that.

570
00:18:52,398 --> 00:18:53,665
We were being friends.

571
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:54,967
We were watching
the game together.

572
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,202
It was an awesome game.

573
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:57,703
Okay, maybe she
wants more than that.

574
00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:58,770
Like what?

575
00:18:58,805 --> 00:18:59,872
You want to know a trick?

576
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:01,039
Absolutely.

577
00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:02,442
This is how you
get in with Jess.

578
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:03,843
You know when you're
driving in your car

579
00:19:03,875 --> 00:19:05,612
and you have a random
thought, like...

580
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,779
"I wonder if
seals are friends."

581
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,281
Yeah, or like...

582
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:10,616
"I really want
to text right now,

583
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:11,884
but there's a cop
behind me."

584
00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:13,118
That's not
the one I mean.

585
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,854
"Why do T. rex
have little arms?"

586
00:19:14,886 --> 00:19:16,788
Don't finish. Don't f...
I know you, don't...
"If they get

587
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,790
an itch in their crotch,
how do they scratch it?"

588
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,059
I mean more like sweet,
kind of emotional stuff.

589
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:22,461
Like, if you combed,
you know,

590
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:24,130
like, a gorilla's hair,
would it like it?

591
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,633
Like... I've never seen
a baby pigeon before.

592
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:27,900
Exactly!

593
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:29,035
Tell that to her

594
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:30,569
and you get
a friend for life.

595
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:33,339
Now, excuse me.

596
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,307
Sex awaits.

597
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,476
Hey, Jess! You win!

598
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,845
I want to take you!

599
00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:40,680
Respectfully!

600
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:48,520
Come here.
Take that
jersey off.

601
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:49,756
Actually,
leave it on.

602
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:55,427
Oh!

603
00:19:55,461 --> 00:19:57,730
To Winston.
Hear, hear.

604
00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:58,897
As a thank-you,
I'd like... I'd like

605
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,165
to get you a job
at Ass-Strat.

606
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,034
I'll make you
a real Ass man.

607
00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:03,769
Mmm...

608
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:04,836
I don't know, man.

609
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,405
I kind of liked
the part where

610
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:07,906
we just get to analyze
evidence, you know.
Mm-hmm.

611
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,776
Connect the dots
a little bit, yeah.

612
00:20:09,808 --> 00:20:11,544
Live inside of
someone else's mind.

613
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:13,346
Spoken like a true
marketing analyst.
I don't know.

614
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,548
You know, I kind of want
to be free of a desk as well.

615
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,083
Well...
Roam the streets
a little bit.

616
00:20:17,115 --> 00:20:18,851
Just sniff out clues.
Let me ask you something.

617
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,720
You guys get donuts
in the morning?

618
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:22,221
You ever thought of
being a cop?

619
00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:24,356
Winston, I think you'd be great.

620
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,525
I can see it.

621
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:26,792
You know, it's funny.

622
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,094
I was thinking
the exact same thing.

623
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:28,861
You've already got
high cholesterol

624
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:29,796
and weird people skills.

625
00:20:29,828 --> 00:20:31,631
"Officer Bishop."

626
00:20:31,663 --> 00:20:32,798
I like the way
that sounds.

627
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,032
It would be nice
to retroactively

628
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:35,301
justify that mustache.

629
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,002
It's a hell of a mustache.

630
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:40,772
What does that mean?
That was from a movie.
You know...

631
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:42,474
Training Day's
my favorite movie.
I understand that,

632
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:44,143
but you understand that's
not what being a cop is.

633
00:20:44,175 --> 00:20:46,278
I want to drop fools! Huh?
That's what you're telling me?

634
00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:48,213
I get to drop fools?
If you think this means you
can start yelling at me...

635
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,214
You damn right, sucker!

636
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,215
That's what that means.

637
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,518
Oh, I apologize
about that.

638
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:53,420
Jess?

639
00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:54,554
(laughs)

640
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:56,221
* Jessica Day-hey-ey.

641
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,890
I just want
to say that, um,

642
00:20:57,923 --> 00:20:59,991
I would love to be your friend.

643
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:01,894
Look, I know I'm crazy
about the Pistons,

644
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:04,163
but it's just because
Detroit was the city

645
00:21:04,195 --> 00:21:05,832
I lived in the longest as a kid.

646
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:07,634
Yes.
I lived in, like,
six different states

647
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:08,901
by the time
I was ten.

648
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,068
At a certain point,
I just...

649
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,270
stopped trying
to make friends.

650
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,140
Ah!

651
00:21:14,173 --> 00:21:17,009
(sighs)
Got real comfy on that.

652
00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:18,577
Really?

653
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,747
Lot easier saying bye
to your buddy's girlfriend

654
00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:21,948
than it is your friend.

655
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,816
Well, I'm not gonna be

656
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:25,984
saying good-bye
to you anytime soon.

657
00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:28,019
Except for right now.

658
00:21:28,054 --> 00:21:29,121
Oh.

659
00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:31,790
You want to do a butt bump?

660
00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:33,326
Butt...

661
00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:34,826
Ah, you're probably doing
your own butt bumps.

662
00:21:34,861 --> 00:21:37,797
Cool. I know you guys
are already done.

663
00:21:37,829 --> 00:21:39,030
Captioned by
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