1
00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:02,970
SCHMIDT: Hey, Elizabeth,
what are we doing tonight?

2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,304
ELIZABETH (over phone):
Dexter and pie.

3
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,706
SCHMIDT:
Girl, you treat me right.

4
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,875
Hey, there she is,

5
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,678
my one and only.

6
00:00:11,544 --> 00:00:12,980
Oh, thank God, coffee.

7
00:00:13,012 --> 00:00:15,583
I barely slept last night.
Yeah, me, too.

8
00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:17,150
I think I passed out
for, like, 25 minutes

9
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:18,486
when you jammed
that sock down my throat.

10
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,853
I aim to please.
JESS:
Aw...

11
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,356
Hey, why don't we all
go on a double date?

12
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:23,990
What are you guys
doing tonight?

13
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:24,925
Yeah.

14
00:00:24,957 --> 00:00:26,426
Tonight?
Yeah.

15
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:27,928
Today's tonight?
Yeah.

16
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,896
Tonight-- meaning changes
every day, doesn't it?

17
00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:31,065
JESS:
Come on, Schmidt.

18
00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:32,165
I'm sure he's got
other plans.

19
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,067
You've got other plans,
right?

20
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:35,034
Plans? Not me.

21
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,237
I don't even--
I mean...

22
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:37,237
Yeah!

23
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:38,771
What the hell
is going on?

24
00:00:38,805 --> 00:00:41,241
What?

25
00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:44,445
* Double-double-
double-double date! *

26
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,012
Rock, rock and roll.

27
00:00:46,045 --> 00:00:48,048
I don't think
I exactly understand

28
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,017
the energy here, but yeah,
I mean, it sounds great.

29
00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:52,853
Hey, you want to split
that pasta from last night, hmm?

30
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:56,624
* Winston and Furguson
'bout to split some pasta. *

31
00:00:56,656 --> 00:00:57,957
(laughs)

32
00:00:57,990 --> 00:01:00,460
Yeah, man, you know
I got "wuv" for you.

33
00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:02,061
Got nothing but love for you.

34
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:05,064
Go ahead, chill out, man,
I'll make you some coffee.

35
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,902
What?

36
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:11,838
So what are y'all
talking about, going on dates?

37
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,474
Oh, y'all are
talking about that.

38
00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:16,409
Okay, cool.

39
00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,146
Nobody invited me.

40
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,313
Is it 'cause I'm single?

41
00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:22,582
I mean, I-I know I'm single.

42
00:01:22,615 --> 00:01:23,950
I'm okay with it.

43
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,986
It was a choice that I made...

44
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:28,087
as a man... to be alone.

45
00:01:28,121 --> 00:01:29,557
Don't nobody know you like you,

46
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,960
so I'm-I'm choosing
to know myself, who I am.

47
00:01:32,992 --> 00:01:35,396
And if that's okay with you all,
can I come?

48
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,097
All right, where should
we go tonight, you guys?

49
00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:38,231
What about that new spot Picca?

50
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:39,667
A day-of rezzie at Picca?

51
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,002
You guys don't think
I can do it, huh?

52
00:01:42,034 --> 00:01:43,603
Well, funk that.

53
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,739
Bishop can get a table
at a chair store.

54
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,073
JESS:
Well, that's it, then.

55
00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:48,075
Double date plus one!

56
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,409
You know what
would be nuts?

57
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:52,412
If I brought my cat Furguson
as a date.

58
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:54,347
Ah, don't do that.

59
00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:58,786
* Hey, girl

60
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,820
* What you doing?

61
00:02:00,853 --> 00:02:03,823
* Hey, girl

62
00:02:03,856 --> 00:02:06,593
* Where you going?

63
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:09,263
* Who's that girl?
* Who's that girl? *

64
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:10,698
* Who's that girl?

65
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:13,967
* Who's that girl? *
* It's Jess.

66
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,338
Hey, listen.

67
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:19,639
(quiet crackling)

68
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,140
What is that sound?

69
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:22,876
Sounds like
a gravel driveway in there.

70
00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:24,344
Seventh grade.

71
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:26,947
Pumping my fist too hard
at a Weird Al show.

72
00:02:26,979 --> 00:02:28,615
(knocking at door)

73
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:29,949
Go away!

74
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,384
Hey, Jess, can you talk?
Oh.

75
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:33,320
Yeah, yeah, totally.
How'd I get so lucky?

76
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,454
My bro and my ho.

77
00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:35,788
My penis--
it's gonna be exposed.

78
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,057
It's okay, just cover up.

79
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:38,825
Okay, no, but I don't
feel comfortable.

80
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,461
It's about Schmidt.
Okay, I'm not involved
in this at all.

81
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,229
Hiding from the world.

82
00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:43,896
You can't see me,
I can't see you.

83
00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:45,466
I know this sounds
totally paranoid,

84
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,800
but I think he's on drugs.

85
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,836
(laughing):
Schmidt on drugs?

86
00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:52,840
Okay, not getting involved
starting now.

87
00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:54,007
JESS:
I'm with Nick here.

88
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,242
You remember how
hard he took it

89
00:02:55,276 --> 00:02:56,810
when Lance got busted.

90
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,145
He just stared at that
yellow bracelet and cried.

91
00:02:58,177 --> 00:02:59,579
I know you're
right, but...

92
00:02:59,612 --> 00:03:01,014
You're coming in?
...it's just like he's had

93
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:03,015
this crazy energy lately.

94
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:05,018
And did you see
how insane he was

95
00:03:05,051 --> 00:03:07,153
when we were talking
about the double date?

96
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,188
Also, he has just, like,
stopped blinking.

97
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:11,057
Is that whippits?
Well, Nick can talk to him.

98
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,992
No, I'm not gonna talk to him.
I called that I wasn't

99
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,427
gonna be involved; those calls
have to be respected.

100
00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:16,864
If you talk to him,
I'll give you a treat.

101
00:03:16,896 --> 00:03:18,431
Bedroom treat or kitchen treat?

102
00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:21,100
(Southern accent):
Oh, I'm just a country lawyer

103
00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:24,170
and I have a very,
very itchy bra.

104
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,772
(Southern accent): Well, perhaps
I can get underneath.

105
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,408
I've got worker's hands.

106
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,075
JESS:
It's very itchy

107
00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,110
in so many different
little places.

108
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:33,514
Let me see.
(both laugh)

109
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:34,848
You guys are being really,
really gross right now.

110
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,584
I keep forgetting
you're in here.

111
00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:37,950
I think you made
a really good point.

112
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,920
Maybe he is just, like,
really into me.

113
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:43,356
I mean, he has, like,
stepped up his bed game a lot.

114
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:45,359
It is so not about him anymore.

115
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:47,760
That's disgusting.
Let me know when that
treat's gonna happen.

116
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:49,896
And, Cece, I'm sorry about this,
but I'm gonna stand up

117
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,699
and you're gonna see my penis,
and when I walk out,

118
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,533
you're gonna see my butt.
Let's do this.

119
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,668
Oh.

120
00:03:56,270 --> 00:04:00,774
Ah, excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me.

121
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,575
Sorry.

122
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,879
Yeah, so that's glass.

123
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,782
That ain't no mint.

124
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,384
Nope.

125
00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:11,718
Definitely glass,
and I swallowed that,

126
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,920
so you should consider,
uh, a sign.

127
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,155
Do you have a reservation?
You know,

128
00:04:15,187 --> 00:04:16,557
it's funny
that you would ask that

129
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:17,790
because, you know,
I tried to call, like,

130
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:19,593
20 times, and I couldn't
get through,

131
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:20,793
but, uh, I'm looking
for a reservation

132
00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:22,295
for tonight around 8:00 p.m.

133
00:04:22,329 --> 00:04:23,663
Let's say, like, five people.

134
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:24,932
I have an 8:30.

135
00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:26,334
Ah, kind of had
our heart set on 8:00.

136
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,634
Seven weeks from now.

137
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,603
Wait, what, what?
No, n-n-n-n-no.

138
00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:32,305
Look, there's got to be
something that you can do.

139
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:35,207
Well, you could try your
luck at the community table.

140
00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:37,076
Community-- hell, no.

141
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,612
Listen, um, sorry,
you don't understand.

142
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:41,247
This has to be
an official reservation.

143
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,850
No.

144
00:04:42,882 --> 00:04:45,952
I'll tell you what,
maybe this will

145
00:04:45,985 --> 00:04:49,856
change... your mind.

146
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,629
"I owe you a
hundred dollars."

147
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,031
Oh, hell no.

148
00:04:58,064 --> 00:05:01,233
No, that... that was supposed
to be a ten.

149
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,303
(sighs)

150
00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:09,709
Whoa, you got there
faster than I thought.

151
00:05:09,742 --> 00:05:11,512
Hey, so this is weird
and it's only gonna take

152
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,346
a second of your time,
but, uh--

153
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:14,615
and I probably
already know the answer,

154
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,817
but are you on drugs?

155
00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:18,951
I know the answer is no,
so I'll just see you later, man.

156
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,920
Get in my room.
Don't want
to be part of it!

157
00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:24,725
Did you crack
my e-mail password?

158
00:05:24,757 --> 00:05:26,394
How did you guess "smithereens"?

159
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,461
Are you really on drugs?
Talk to me, Schmidt.

160
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,863
I'm in way over my head, Nick,
I'm doing something terrible.

161
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:32,132
Well, what is it, man?

162
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,901
You're going to
get mad at me.

163
00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:35,369
I'm your best friend.

164
00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,838
Okay, I was there for you
when you fell off the deck

165
00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:39,238
at Chester's graduation.

166
00:05:39,271 --> 00:05:41,074
(laughter, excited chatter)

167
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,511
Oh, no.

168
00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:44,911
And I'm here for you now.

169
00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:48,081
There's nothing you could say
that I'd get mad at.

170
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,783
O-Okay, um, I can do this.

171
00:05:52,084 --> 00:05:53,586
Do you know how I broke
up with Elizabeth

172
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,588
so that I could start
dating Cece again?

173
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:57,057
Absolutely, and it was
really hard for you.

174
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,591
Yeah, that actually
never happened.

175
00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,994
What do you mean?

176
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,829
I'm still dating Elizabeth.

177
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,564
What do you mean?

178
00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:06,434
I'm dating both of them, and
neither one of them knows it,

179
00:06:06,466 --> 00:06:07,401
and I feel terrible about it.

180
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,701
But Elizabeth is gone.

181
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:11,038
What do you mean?
She's not gone.

182
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,105
So you broke up with Cece...
I didn't break up with
either one of them.

183
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:14,675
What do you mean?

184
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,209
You process this
however you need to process it.

185
00:06:16,242 --> 00:06:17,545
If you want to keep
talking it out...

186
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:18,911
Which one are you dating?
Both.

187
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,548
Are you dating Cece?
I'm dating Cece.

188
00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:21,915
Are you dating Elizabeth?
Yes.

189
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,451
How do you do that?
They made me choose.

190
00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:24,584
You have to choose.

191
00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:25,886
You can't have both women.

192
00:06:25,918 --> 00:06:27,387
What was I supposed to do?

193
00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:29,021
What, you think
you can have a bunch of wives?!

194
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,057
You got one wife!

195
00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:32,058
This is the way the world works!

196
00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:34,261
Why?!
I don't know.

197
00:06:34,293 --> 00:06:36,262
I feel terrible about this,
I don't know what to do.

198
00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:38,197
How could you do this
with Jess's best friend?

199
00:06:38,230 --> 00:06:40,000
I don't know, I feel
really badly about it!

200
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,202
In your little brain,

201
00:06:43,235 --> 00:06:45,137
how do you see this ending?

202
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:46,439
I see it ending badly.

203
00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:48,408
I see it ending
very, very badly.

204
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:49,742
But you know what?
I just...

205
00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:50,810
(chuckles)

206
00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:52,612
I want to thank
you, though,

207
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,481
just for being there for me
and for listening to me.
No.

208
00:06:54,514 --> 00:06:56,382
I'm not listening to you
and I'm not there for you.

209
00:06:56,415 --> 00:06:57,951
Because now we're
in this together.
We're not in this together

210
00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,319
and I'm not listening
and I'm not being there,

211
00:06:59,351 --> 00:07:00,821
so just stop
telling me things!

212
00:07:00,853 --> 00:07:02,456
What would you like me
to do with this information?

213
00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:04,591
Well, it really
helped me to tell you.

214
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,959
You should tell somebody,
get it off your chest.
I can't.

215
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:08,461
You know what
I mean? Like...
Who?

216
00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:10,297
Well, certainly not Jess.
(retching)

217
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:12,500
Don't ever tell Jess. The one
person you can't tell is Jess.

218
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:17,403
Hello, Picca?

219
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,005
Yes, I need a table for five.

220
00:07:19,038 --> 00:07:21,675
This is author Toni Morrison.

221
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:22,742
I am?

222
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:23,776
Well, oh, yeah?

223
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,177
Well, I think you're a woman!

224
00:07:25,211 --> 00:07:26,413
Hello?

225
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,480
Okay, here's what it is.

226
00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:29,516
Just lie to her, Nick.

227
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,117
It's a relationship--
men and women lie to each other

228
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:32,685
all the time;
it's what makes marriages work.

229
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:33,987
Just lie...

230
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:35,355
Oh, you can lie...

231
00:07:35,387 --> 00:07:37,625
Yes, I talked to Schmidt.

232
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,992
Don't act like an alien;
just lie to a woman.

233
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,961
It's...
(exhales)

234
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:43,262
Yeah, I talked to Schmidt.

235
00:07:43,295 --> 00:07:44,665
It's fine, it's not a big deal.

236
00:07:44,697 --> 00:07:46,033
JESS:
Hey, Nick.

237
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,435
How was your day?

238
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,538
Nothing...
(mumbling)

239
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:53,874
Why are you wearing
a helmet?

240
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:56,644
Oh, hi.

241
00:07:58,310 --> 00:08:00,012
Don't tease me, Nick.

242
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,915
Are we finally gonna do
no-kiss sex?

243
00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:04,317
Oh, yes.

244
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,860
Sorry about that.

245
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,829
(sighs)
Look at us.

246
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:19,667
(high-pitched): Community table,
like a little community.

247
00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:20,901
(chuckles)

248
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,818
Call that seat.

249
00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:40,086
That's my seat.

250
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,221
Come on.
Yeah.

251
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:43,023
Oh, no, where are y'all going?

252
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,725
Dibs on those seats,
dibs on that.

253
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:46,025
Put that for me right there.

254
00:08:46,058 --> 00:08:47,326
Hey, put that
right there for me.

255
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,596
That was amazing.

256
00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:52,264
Jess, you know
so many Spaceballs quotes.

257
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:55,235
(laughing):
They jam the radar
with literal jam.

258
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:58,639
Oh, hey, did you
ever talk to Schmidt?

259
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:02,610
What's going on, Nick?

260
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,778
Schmidt! Hey!

261
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,014
My best friend?!

262
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,017
You Long Island
street trash!

263
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,217
Damn it, Nick, you told her?

264
00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:12,284
No, he didn't tell me!

265
00:09:12,318 --> 00:09:13,787
I-I happened upon it.

266
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,623
Oh, you happened upon it?
Where, in the town square?

267
00:09:15,655 --> 00:09:17,190
Jess, I never wanted to be
involved in this.

268
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,291
You're so pretty.

269
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,626
Put your freakin'
visor down.

270
00:09:19,659 --> 00:09:22,195
Now, you-- you're
gonna tell Cece

271
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:25,432
or I will, you...
you crumb bum!

272
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:26,533
Jess...
You crumb bum.

273
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:27,600
Yes, well said.

274
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:29,235
You are a lowlife.
I-I get it.

275
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:31,804
How could you
do this to her?
Jess, I am so sorry.

276
00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:34,573
I made up a dance
so everyone will be happy.

277
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:39,412
Cece's gonna walk through
that door any minute,

278
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,148
and you have to
tell her the truth.

279
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:42,481
Jess, please,
this would wreck her.

280
00:09:42,514 --> 00:09:44,051
I'm begging you.

281
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,086
I-I know you don't believe me,
but I do care about her.

282
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:49,056
Either you tell her
or I will, Schmidt.

283
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:51,357
(humming)

284
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:56,830
You're right.

285
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:59,032
I'll tell her.

286
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:00,967
(grunts)

287
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,870
(sputters)

288
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:05,972
Yo, what it be?

289
00:10:06,005 --> 00:10:07,274
Double date night!

290
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,711
What's, uh, what's going on?

291
00:10:11,543 --> 00:10:12,712
Tell her.

292
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,248
Tell her.

293
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,717
Okay, okay.

294
00:10:20,052 --> 00:10:22,121
We're taking two cars. It's
faster that way because of gas.

295
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:23,490
No phones.
What?

296
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:24,624
Here you go;
I got the door, it's okay.

297
00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:26,393
Go!
Go!

298
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,565
Cigarette, phone
call, bathroom.
Okay.

299
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:40,539
Sir, you're clearly alone.
We're gonna need this table.

300
00:10:40,572 --> 00:10:42,942
Okay, so what do you think--
that over the past two hours,

301
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:46,346
I, as a single person, have
ordered eight separate entrees

302
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:48,181
and have taken bites
of different sizes

303
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:51,818
of each of them to create some
sort of pointless illusion?

304
00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:54,586
(chuckles): Do you know
how insane you sound?

305
00:10:56,088 --> 00:10:58,390
God, I hate this job.

306
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,797
You need to slow down.
I got it. Don't worry.

307
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,065
What's going on, man?

308
00:11:05,097 --> 00:11:06,499
You guys were acting
all so weird back there,

309
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,701
and you're driving
like a maniac.
Oh, geez.

310
00:11:08,735 --> 00:11:11,571
You know, I didn't want to
have to say anything, but...

311
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:12,905
What?

312
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:14,173
Here we go.

313
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:17,509
Nick is cheating
on Jess! Aah!
What?!

314
00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:19,678
Apparently, they met
at some gas station.

315
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,681
She's much older.
Much, much older.

316
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,250
Deeply Korean.

317
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:24,683
I just found out.

318
00:11:24,717 --> 00:11:26,318
And, I mean, Nick is
my best friend and all,

319
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:28,087
but I can't even be
in the same room

320
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,522
as that scumbag
right now!

321
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:32,225
Oh, I'm so mad!
I'm just so, so mad!

322
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:34,027
I'm terribly angry about
the whole situation.

323
00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:35,427
I can't even drive.
Take the wheel.

324
00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:37,230
(tires screeching)
Oh, why, God?!

325
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:38,731
He was the best of us!

326
00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:40,734
Cece, please. You're
veering everywhere.
Sorry.

327
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,769
JESS:
Oh, Nick, go, go!

328
00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:44,370
We're gonna lose them!

329
00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:46,405
You keep nerd-stopping
at every sign!

330
00:11:46,438 --> 00:11:47,841
Look, if I get another ticket,

331
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:49,743
they're gonna make me
wear eyeglasses.

332
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:51,411
Why didn't you get
involved back there?

333
00:11:51,443 --> 00:11:53,179
Look, look, here's
the reality.

334
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,748
Yes, Schmidt is
my best friend,

335
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,249
and he's also
really scary.

336
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,551
You are so afraid
of everything.

337
00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:00,352
Oh, really? Would a man
afraid of everything

338
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:02,455
put his finger in a
cigarette lighter?
I don't know...

339
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:03,791
Don't do that.
That's just stupid!

340
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,625
I'm not gonna do that.
You wimp.

341
00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,293
(screams)

342
00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:08,695
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my God!

343
00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:10,062
Jess, are you okay?
It really hurts.

344
00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:11,398
Oh, my Lord, are...
It's so hot!

345
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,899
Come here.
Are you okay?
Yeah.

346
00:12:12,932 --> 00:12:14,400
Are you okay? Look,
I'm gonna do it.

347
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:15,969
Ow!
Oh.

348
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:16,803
Why did you do that?

349
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:17,937
So that we were both

350
00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:19,206
in the same
amount of pain!

351
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,740
I'm gonna junk-punch him.

352
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,042
Turn the car around.
We're going to the restaurant.

353
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,309
Why would you...?
That seems rash.

354
00:12:23,342 --> 00:12:24,576
Maybe... I don't know.

355
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:26,078
Maybe staying
away for a while,

356
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,547
or at least-- I don't
know-- talking about it,

357
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,282
hearing his side.
I don't...

358
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:30,884
Cheating is selfish,
and it is cowardly,

359
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:32,485
and there is no excuse for it.

360
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:35,054
The only thing
that you can do

361
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,389
is punch it in the junk.

362
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:37,624
Or you could really
understand it

363
00:12:37,657 --> 00:12:39,225
emotionally from
their point of view.

364
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,161
You don't know.
Maybe they had a
tough childhood.

365
00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:43,230
Turn the car around, Schmidt.
Maybe their mom's a lesbian.

366
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,498
I don't know.
Turn the car around!

367
00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,299
Yeah, let's do it. Let's
turn the car around.

368
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,068
Let's go to Picca.

369
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:50,636
I'm gonna turn the car around
as soon as I turn this...

370
00:12:50,669 --> 00:12:52,239
Turn the car
around, Schmidt!

371
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,841
As soon as I turn
the car around.
Now!

372
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,408
As soon as I turn
this car around...

373
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,311
Turn the car around,
Schmidt! Let's go!

374
00:12:58,345 --> 00:12:59,812
And I'm turning the car around.
Let's do it.

375
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:01,648
(horn honking)
Double date, here we come.

376
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,951
What is he doing?
I don't know.

377
00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:06,052
Looks like he
lost a wing.

378
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:11,557
(speaking gibberish,
clicking tongue)

379
00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:15,794
(speaking gibberish)

380
00:13:17,529 --> 00:13:18,932
Hey, Jess.

381
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:20,332
Yeah, fourth message.

382
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:22,469
Just a friendly time update.

383
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:25,873
8:13. Hope to God
you guys aren't bailing on me,

384
00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:28,341
or maybe you just lost track
of time being couples!

385
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:29,775
(forced laugh)

386
00:13:29,808 --> 00:13:32,412
Hit me back.
Winnie the Bish.

387
00:13:42,554 --> 00:13:44,157
SCHMIDT:
We're never gonna find

388
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,225
this restaurant; maybe
we should just go home.

389
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,460
There it is!
Here it is.

390
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,596
(tires screech)

391
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,969
MAN:
Welcome!

392
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,671
Can I have
your car, sir?
Oh.

393
00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:01,740
Sir?

394
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,610
Sir?

395
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,981
Sir?

396
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,183
I'm on the phone.

397
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:13,586
All right, time's up.
You got to get out of here.

398
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:15,221
Uh, th-that's my friend.

399
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:17,590
That's my friend. See?
See? I told you all.

400
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:18,691
Huh? I got friends.

401
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:20,192
Everybody? Hmm?
(applause)

402
00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:21,427
(clears throat)
That's my friend
right there.

403
00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:22,761
Where the hell is Nick?!

404
00:14:22,794 --> 00:14:24,530
How did I even beat him here?!

405
00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:27,366
That was the slowest ride
of my entire life!
Oh, Jess...

406
00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:30,370
Literally, my grandmother
drives faster than that.

407
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,940
Look, she's
my best friend.
Yeah.

408
00:14:32,972 --> 00:14:35,241
And Schmidt is mine. That's why
I didn't want to get involved.

409
00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:39,312
Well, when someone I love
gets hurt, I get involved.

410
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:44,116
(car door closes)

411
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:48,254
Sir?

412
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,190
(knocking on car door)

413
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:52,058
(knocking continues)

414
00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:53,592
What's up, big cat?

415
00:14:53,625 --> 00:14:55,195
MAN:
Sir? Sir?

416
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,897
Well, you got to go in there,
and you got to face her.

417
00:14:57,931 --> 00:15:00,799
Look, it's not about Cece.
This is about the $12 valet.

418
00:15:00,832 --> 00:15:02,802
It's $12 to...?

419
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:05,272
One sec.
Hey, it's self-park!

420
00:15:05,304 --> 00:15:07,840
The maroon car
is self-park!

421
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,412
It's an excessive
amount of money.

422
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:15,381
I didn't mean for any
of this to happen.

423
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:17,783
Look, I know you didn't, okay?

424
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:20,687
But now it's time
you do the right thing, Schmidt.

425
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,157
I can't go in there.

426
00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:26,826
Well, I can't
let Jess tell her.

427
00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:30,797
MAN:
Hello?
(knocking)

428
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:32,399
Open the door.

429
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,434
Wait, Cece!
Oh, Jess, I have
something to tell you.

430
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:37,169
I have something
to tell you!
What?

431
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:38,837
No, I have something
I need to tell you.

432
00:15:38,870 --> 00:15:40,173
(groaning)

433
00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:41,573
Oh, my God, what are
you doing, Cece?!

434
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:44,510
Why did you do
that?! (sighs)

435
00:15:44,543 --> 00:15:45,979
(high-pitched
screaming)
Cece.

436
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,746
You nipped
the corner!

437
00:15:47,779 --> 00:15:50,417
Wait, Cece.
Uh... okay. I...

438
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,451
Cece, he's not...

439
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,889
I lied to you. I...

440
00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:01,860
I've been cheating on...
on you with Elizabeth.

441
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,735
(sighs)

442
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,774
Uh, I hate to do this
right now,

443
00:16:15,807 --> 00:16:18,977
but if we don't sit,
we will lose this table.

444
00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:25,951
SCHMIDT: Cece,
I'm sor... I'm sorry.

445
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,154
I don't...
I just...

446
00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:30,456
(chuckles)

447
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,692
Is there someplace maybe
we could, uh, go talk?

448
00:16:33,725 --> 00:16:36,696
Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt.
Might as well just say it.

449
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:38,530
Oh, let's talk. Let's... We...

450
00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:39,899
This should be fine.

451
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,234
(Schmidt sighs)

452
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:43,302
I didn't want to hurt you.

453
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,238
You have to know that

454
00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:46,739
I did not want to hurt you.

455
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:48,040
Please, I-I'm begging you.

456
00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:49,408
If you take anything
away from this,

457
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,378
know that I did not
want to hurt you.

458
00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:52,578
I didn't want to hurt anyone.

459
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:54,746
Especially you.

460
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:56,548
You have no idea

461
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,518
what you mean to me.

462
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:01,921
And I got caught up
in this thing, and...

463
00:17:01,953 --> 00:17:04,356
I used to be

464
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,025
so fat.

465
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:09,796
I mean, like... truly gigantic.

466
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:14,567
I mean, as big as...
as big... as big as it gets.

467
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:19,239
And now... and now I'm not, and
girls like me, and I don't...

468
00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:21,673
I don't know how to do this.

469
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:24,111
I got lost.

470
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:27,614
And I'm sorry.

471
00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:29,781
You're sorry?

472
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,617
You didn't want to hurt anybody?

473
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,786
That's the best
you can do, Schmidt?

474
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:36,423
Really?

475
00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:39,057
I don't know.

476
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:41,294
I don't know you.

477
00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:44,297
(sniffles)

478
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:46,898
Good-bye, Schmidt.

479
00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:48,567
(sighs)

480
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,851
I'm just realizing that I don't
have any cash on me.

481
00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:09,422
If anyone would be willing
to loan me $12 for the valet,

482
00:18:09,455 --> 00:18:12,692
that would be...
greatly appreciated.

483
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:16,962
Cece still
hasn't called me.

484
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,830
Do you think you could
test my phone again?

485
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:21,500
I can't. I don't have
any more minutes.

486
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,068
Minutes, Nick?!

487
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,172
Who still has minutes
on their phone?!

488
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:27,673
I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999,
and I'm still using them.

489
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:28,974
I'm sorry. I just...

490
00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:31,178
I-I really want to
be there for her.

491
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,679
You are, okay?

492
00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:35,248
And she'll call,
'cause she needs you.

493
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,483
(sighs):
Hell.

494
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:39,919
This is a real butt munch
of a situation we're in.

495
00:18:39,951 --> 00:18:41,788
Yeah.

496
00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:44,156
Look...

497
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,758
I'm here for you.

498
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,494
There is nothing
I know more than the fact

499
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:52,030
that I want to be
with you, Jess, okay?

500
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,839
Unless we're driving.

501
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,974
You admitted to driving
while legally blind!

502
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,844
No, because you're honestly
the worst backseat...

503
00:19:04,876 --> 00:19:07,180
You're honestly telling me
what to do the entire time!

504
00:19:07,213 --> 00:19:09,882
Legally blind.
Whoever has
the wheel controls the car!

505
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,384
ELIZABETH:
You liar!

506
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:14,153
Here's your pie!

507
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,895
You broke my heart.

508
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,897
Mail me my mouth guard.

509
00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:29,402
(door slams)

510
00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:31,637
In case you were wondering

511
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:34,507
if Cece had Elizabeth's number,
sh-she does.

512
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:38,044
So, tough time in Schmidtsburg,
wouldn't you say?

513
00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:40,145
Just a quick heads-up, Nick,

514
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,513
Jess.

515
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:43,015
I blame you
for this whole thing.

516
00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:46,286
You can't seriously...
I was going to fix it.

517
00:19:47,619 --> 00:19:49,355
I wasn't going to hurt anyone.

518
00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:51,990
But, since you took it upon
yourself to hurt both of them,

519
00:19:52,023 --> 00:19:53,992
should it take me
the rest of my life,

520
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,994
I'm going to break
the two of you up.

521
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,698
Bring it, Schmidt.
It's impossible.
We're really strong.

522
00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:00,232
It will be
when you least expect it,

523
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:02,167
which might be
when you most expect it.

524
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,537
Could actually be when you're
watching the movie version

525
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:06,538
of What to Expect
When You're Expecting.

526
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:07,906
Regardless...

527
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:11,611
I... am coming...

528
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,546
for you.

529
00:20:17,148 --> 00:20:18,951
Oh, my God, Schmidt is so scary.
You were right.

530
00:20:18,984 --> 00:20:21,053
We have to talk
about the things

531
00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:22,588
that he could use to
pull us apart, okay?
Okay.

532
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:24,056
Okay.
Okay, politics.

533
00:20:24,089 --> 00:20:25,557
You're a Democrat,
I've never voted.

534
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:27,527
I'm in the Green Party.
Oh, that is so annoying.

535
00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:31,063
Okay, I have been banned for
my lifetime from Lake Ontario.

536
00:20:31,096 --> 00:20:32,632
Don't ask.
Okay.

537
00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:34,300
What else do you have?
My fear of pears.

538
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,536
Okay, you're
afraid of pears?

539
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:37,636
And pear-shaped people.

540
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,372
Um, that's interesting.

541
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,906
I'm not convinced
I know how to read.

542
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,442
I've just memorized
a lot of words.

543
00:20:42,474 --> 00:20:44,242
The doctors say
I might grow another 18 inches.

544
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:45,744
That's a different
image of you,

545
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,246
but I'm gonna get past
that, and I'm past it.

546
00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:49,147
Okay, the moon
landing...
Mm-hmm.

547
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:51,217
...uh, which is
obviously fake.
No, it's not obviously fake.

548
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,818
No, that's actually
not what...
Are you crazy?

549
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,153
The moon landing is
definitely fake, by the way.

550
00:20:54,185 --> 00:20:55,387
The moon landing's not... What?!

551
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:56,556
It's 100% fake.
The shadows are off.

552
00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:58,290
No, they're not.
Yes, they are.

553
00:20:58,325 --> 00:21:00,125
I've looked at photos on the
Internet, and it proves it.

554
00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:01,627
Nick, that's...
The shadows are off,
the shadows are off...!

555
00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,462
Shadows are not...
Those photos are Photoshopped.

556
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:05,432
That's not true.
People do that as a joke

557
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:06,833
to trick stupid people.
Oh, yeah, you can
just Photoshop...

558
00:21:06,865 --> 00:21:08,601
No, that's...
Wait a minute.

559
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:11,503
He's doing it already.
He's getting in our heads.

560
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,972
Unbelievable. Good call.
Okay, this is good.
Let's keep going.

561
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:15,407
I totally agree. Okay.
Let's keep going. Okay.

562
00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:17,676
I kind of want to get a gun.

563
00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:19,979
I'm definitely sexually
attracted to ladybugs.

564
00:21:20,011 --> 00:21:21,881
Okay.

565
00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:25,951
I prefer the Kilborn
Daily Show.

566
00:21:25,984 --> 00:21:27,453
I think it's the best one.

567
00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:29,020
I know that you're
really into...
It's not.

568
00:21:29,055 --> 00:21:31,022
Yes, it is.
He's very charming.

569
00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:33,192
I'm weirdly good
at volleyball.

570
00:21:33,224 --> 00:21:34,527
I believe horses are
from outer space.

571
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,462
I believe that, too!
Okay, good.

572
00:21:36,496 --> 00:21:38,798
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org