1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:03,737 So I've been thinking a lot about it, and... 2 00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:05,206 I'd really like to start calling you 3 00:00:05,238 --> 00:00:07,041 "shorty" in public. 4 00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:09,877 By the way, my office is throwing a party tomorrow, and I would-- 5 00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:11,644 I'd really like for you to be there. Well, I have a photo shoot, 6 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,246 but I think I could come after that. 7 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:15,048 (phone chirps) Oh, yeah, well, that sounds good. 8 00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:16,216 Who's that? 9 00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,885 Hmm? 10 00:00:17,917 --> 00:00:19,320 (chuckles) It's my doctor. 11 00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,088 Uh, D-Dr. Cover. 12 00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:22,323 Doc-Doctor Wyland Cover. 13 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,725 He's my oncologist. 14 00:00:24,757 --> 00:00:26,859 He's an oncologist. WINSTON: Hey, 15 00:00:26,893 --> 00:00:28,428 you guys know anything about cats? 16 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:29,896 Yeah, I'm trying to score some points with Daisy, 17 00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:31,599 so I promised to watch her cat tonight. 18 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,267 They carry disease, they're obsessed with my nipples, 19 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,335 and they are unwelcome in this loft. 20 00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:38,271 Did you just say that cats are obsessed with your nipples? 21 00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:40,107 I've told you this story before. 22 00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,310 (cats purring and meowing) 23 00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:48,682 I think I would have remembered that story. 24 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,049 No cats. 25 00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:52,253 (groans) Come on, bangs, you sons of bitches. 26 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,753 Here, let me do 'em, Jess. What? 27 00:00:53,786 --> 00:00:56,557 Nick, Nick, stop. What? 28 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,057 Stop, you're gonna ruin it. I'm not gonna ruin... 29 00:00:58,091 --> 00:00:59,759 I was... I was making 'em look prettier. 30 00:00:59,792 --> 00:01:02,096 No, you weren't. Then they look perfect as is. 31 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,530 Can I ask you a question? 32 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:04,765 Absolutely-- we having this thing right now? 33 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,700 Do I look okay? Do you look okay? 34 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,067 Yeah. Hell yeah! 35 00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:09,802 I want to put it on you. 36 00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:11,305 On? Put it on me? 37 00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:13,441 Yeah, on-- I stand by that. 38 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,475 I'd like to put it on you. 39 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,611 What is wrong, Jess? 40 00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:19,813 I've been at this new school for a week now 41 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:21,614 and I still haven't made any friends. 42 00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:23,650 There's, like, a clique of teachers, 43 00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:25,819 and they run the school. 44 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,956 * You keep bumpin' me against the wall * 45 00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:30,757 * Yeah, I know I let you slide before * 46 00:01:30,790 --> 00:01:34,061 * Hey, but until you seen me, trust me * 47 00:01:34,093 --> 00:01:35,596 * You ain't seen bouncin' back 48 00:01:35,628 --> 00:01:38,731 * You keep bumpin' me against the wall. * 49 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,334 I just want them to like me. 50 00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:41,801 I know it sounds dumb, but... 51 00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,271 Leave it to me; I'll fix it. 52 00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:44,504 You're Nick Miller's girl now. 53 00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:45,805 You're my old lady. 54 00:01:45,838 --> 00:01:47,674 What? Whatever you need, you got it. 55 00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:49,810 Why are you talking like a James Taylor song? I don't know. 56 00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:52,846 Hey, either of you guys know anything about cats? 57 00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:55,283 Oh, my God, Schmidt has the greatest cat story! 58 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,984 Ugh, I was there-- it's disgusting. You shut your damn mouth, Jess. 59 00:01:58,018 --> 00:01:59,019 Thought it was cute... Makes me feel like 60 00:01:59,051 --> 00:02:00,521 puking, Jess. Oh, grow up! 61 00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:03,524 Nothing came out. 62 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,293 * Who's that girl? 63 00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:07,561 * Who's that girl? * * It's Jess. 64 00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:13,433 You know what? 65 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,536 I've never actually seen you this happy. 66 00:02:15,568 --> 00:02:17,538 Who are you? I don't know, it's weird. 67 00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:19,272 I've never seen you smile ever. Yeah, yeah, it's weird. 68 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,207 This is the first time. 69 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:21,542 It's not bad. Yeah. 70 00:02:21,574 --> 00:02:22,943 I mean, it's not great. Yeah, I agree. 71 00:02:22,975 --> 00:02:24,377 But... Somewhere right in the middle. 72 00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:27,215 Hey, can I ask you something? Of course. 73 00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:29,216 Hypothetically speaking, what if you met somebody 74 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:33,287 that you... that you liked, uh, just as much as Jess? 75 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,687 Schmidt, stop. 76 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,189 Okay, you picked Cece, so let Elizabeth go. 77 00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:37,858 Initially I said "hypothetically," so just... 78 00:02:37,890 --> 00:02:39,793 Do you know a place I can get cheap school supplies? 79 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,329 I only have $15 80 00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:42,962 and a halfie-- $15 and a halfie. 81 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,298 A halfie? Yeah, it's a half. 82 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,832 It got ripped, so it's a half. 83 00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:47,367 No one's gonna accept that as currency. 84 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,236 Hey, what's up, guys? 85 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,070 Did you press the button? I thought you pressed the button! 86 00:02:51,103 --> 00:02:52,973 No, I didn't press the button. What is wrong with you?! 87 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,307 What did you do when you walked in? 88 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,742 Talked to you. 89 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,411 Guys, I'm gonna go pick up Daisy's cat. 90 00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:58,412 You know, you don't just ask anybody 91 00:02:58,445 --> 00:02:59,513 to take care of your cat. 92 00:02:59,546 --> 00:03:00,681 That's a very serious thing, 93 00:03:00,713 --> 00:03:01,649 so I decided 94 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,182 I'm gonna go over there 95 00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,818 and I'm gonna ask Daisy to be my girlfriend. 96 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,153 You are? Whoa! Yeah. 97 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,389 Yeah. Major move! 98 00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:10,890 Good stuff. Look at you, man. 99 00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:13,159 So I'm just gonna go over there and I'm gonna tell Daisy, 100 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,329 "Listen, my heart is a two-man bike, 101 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,865 and I want you in the rear." 102 00:03:17,897 --> 00:03:20,000 What do you think? 103 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,068 Winston, don't say that. You want her in your...? What? 104 00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,170 You can say "the rear." You don't want her in your rear. 105 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,739 No, don't say "the rear" at any time. 106 00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:26,939 You guys are just jealous. What? 107 00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:28,542 You guys are gonna steal my swag. 108 00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:30,711 I wouldn't even know how to begin to steal a swag. 109 00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:32,879 I thought you pressed the button. I've been way over here. 110 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:35,348 That's weird, the whole time... I-I haven't pressed... 111 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:36,716 I'll press the button. Winston, thank you. 112 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:40,454 Last night, I rectified our budget 113 00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:42,222 while taking a long soak 114 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:45,224 in my new Jacooz. 115 00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:47,060 My elbows are 116 00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:48,861 as soft as babies. 117 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,298 I love a soft elbow. 118 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:52,132 How about you bring that noise over here. 119 00:03:52,164 --> 00:03:54,301 (teachers snickering) Good meeting. 120 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,968 Great, well... 121 00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:57,805 Uh... 122 00:03:57,837 --> 00:04:00,139 (laughter) 123 00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:02,141 Foster's such a dork. He needs to get laid. 124 00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:04,010 I got laid. (chuckles) 125 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,479 This morning. 126 00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,147 From my boyfriend. 127 00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:09,483 So... 128 00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:12,453 coitus no-one-interruptus. 129 00:04:12,485 --> 00:04:16,223 That... because we finished, so... 130 00:04:16,255 --> 00:04:17,957 Why are you talking to us? 131 00:04:17,990 --> 00:04:19,793 You have owl eyes. Yeah. 132 00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:23,797 Hey! 133 00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:24,831 (quietly): Trust me. 134 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,300 What's up, teachers? 135 00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:28,968 Who wants free school supplies? 136 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:31,672 What are you doing here? Point to the ones who don't like you, and I'm gonna give... 137 00:04:31,704 --> 00:04:33,574 I can handle this myself. I'm fixing it for you. 138 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,308 And then she... Yeah. 139 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:36,644 Say, listen, why don't you guys 140 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:38,346 come to my bar later for free drinks. 141 00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:39,812 Teachers don't pay. 142 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:41,981 We'll think about it. 143 00:04:42,014 --> 00:04:43,584 Okay, they'll think about it. 144 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,084 Bye. 145 00:04:45,117 --> 00:04:46,987 Oh, my God. 146 00:04:47,019 --> 00:04:48,456 That was genius. It's a no-brainer. 147 00:04:48,488 --> 00:04:50,858 Whoa, that's an amazing move, sex partner. 148 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,526 Sex part... 149 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,961 With the promotion, uh, I got a new office, 150 00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:57,831 so I don't have to look at Bethany's mismanaged eyebrows all day. 151 00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:00,500 Do you like it? It's a perfect two-thirds replica 152 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:01,968 of Don Draper's office from Mad Men, 153 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,803 and you're my sexy Peggy. 154 00:05:03,836 --> 00:05:05,372 Good God, at least shut the door. 155 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,507 My tiny credenza is in the way. 156 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,007 Hey, Elizabeth, 157 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,509 are you gonna be coming to the party tomorrow night? 158 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:11,612 Party? What party? 159 00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:12,879 The big office party. 160 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,214 Schmidt, did you not invite her? 161 00:05:15,247 --> 00:05:18,519 I was just about to invite you to go. 162 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,353 Cool, it's a date. 163 00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:21,721 Bye, baby. Bye. 164 00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:23,423 Mwah, mwah. 165 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,192 How... how dare you interfere 166 00:05:26,225 --> 00:05:27,827 with my personal life, you crone. 167 00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:29,562 I don't... I don't kick up a fuss 168 00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:32,165 when you massage yourself with your yoga ball. 169 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,233 Oh, I'm sorry, were you gonna invite Cece? 170 00:05:34,266 --> 00:05:37,737 Beth, please. I am in love with both of these women. 171 00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:40,173 Do I feel bad about lying to them? 172 00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,375 Yes. I'm a Sagittarius. 173 00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:44,244 Congrats on your new office. 174 00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:46,447 Gina gave birth on that carpet. 175 00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:54,387 Consider this closed. 176 00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:57,090 (water running) WINSTON: Right, so, yeah, um... 177 00:05:57,124 --> 00:06:01,093 Um, so, Daisy, what I was really trying to say... 178 00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:03,163 is, uh... 179 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,497 Is your shower running? 180 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:05,833 Yeah, I was just about to take a shower. 181 00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,100 What's going on? Okay. 182 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:11,038 Um, Daisy, I think what we have is real, 183 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,372 and, uh, I want us to be exclusive-- 184 00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:17,911 just you and me in the rear. 185 00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:20,680 Yeah, that sounds great. 186 00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:23,250 Awesome, um... 187 00:06:24,817 --> 00:06:26,454 Sorry, that's mine. 188 00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:28,387 So, Furguson gets 189 00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:30,524 his wet food in the morning, dry food at night. 190 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,560 (shower turns off) 191 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:36,863 Somebody in there? 192 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:37,930 No. 193 00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:39,632 (toilet flushes) 194 00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,067 No treats after midnight. 195 00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:47,040 "Oh, my name is Principal Foster, and this is 196 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,108 the Jacooz." 197 00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:49,442 "The Jacooz." (laughs) 198 00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:51,244 He's so nice, don't you think? 199 00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:52,879 He's such a nice boss. 200 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,848 (clears throat) 201 00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:58,317 Y'all want some drinks? 202 00:06:58,350 --> 00:06:59,620 Yeah, okay. Yep. 203 00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:01,488 Yeah. Thank, thank you. Thank you. 204 00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:03,591 What do you think? I think it's going really well. 205 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:04,891 Okay, I just realized what's happening. 206 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,560 It's high school over there, 207 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,961 and they're the cool kids, and you're the nerd. 208 00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:10,497 I was never a nerd. 209 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,766 * On western wings the fowls doth fly * 210 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,569 * On briny swells the fishes doth swim * * Lolly, lolly, lolly... * 211 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,437 Oh, like you were so cool. 212 00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:18,437 (grunting) 213 00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:20,173 Stall! 214 00:07:20,206 --> 00:07:21,908 CROWD (chanting): Nick! Nick! Nick! 215 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,810 (crowd exclaims) 216 00:07:24,612 --> 00:07:26,146 The Miller Sack Pack. 217 00:07:26,178 --> 00:07:29,115 Miller Sack Pack? They made shirts. 218 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,151 You know what? I'm not explaining my coolness to you. 219 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:33,786 I was cool. Listen to me. You want to be in with them? 220 00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:36,322 Roll with the punches, go with the flow. 221 00:07:36,355 --> 00:07:38,324 Make fun of your boss a little bit. 222 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:39,759 Don't follow your instincts. 223 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,293 I wouldn't sing. 224 00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:44,163 But most importantly, follow my lead. 225 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:47,199 And by "follow my lead," I mean drink. 226 00:07:47,233 --> 00:07:48,802 And I mean drink... 227 00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:50,771 a lot. 228 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,641 Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing. 229 00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:56,644 That's the only thing in the world I know to be true. 230 00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,612 Schools are for fools! 231 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:00,781 They are. (crowd cheering) 232 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,283 Sometimes firemen are women! 233 00:08:03,315 --> 00:08:05,653 Sometimes! Sometimes! (crowd cheering) 234 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,658 (groaning) Hey, there she is. 235 00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:12,860 Ol' Toilet Pants, the girl 236 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:15,896 who bet herself six dollars she could dance in a toilet bowl. 237 00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:19,567 * Oh, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah 238 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,834 * What's going on? 239 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,370 I'm cool. 240 00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,172 You are cool, but you still got to go to work, 241 00:08:25,204 --> 00:08:26,839 'cause you're running late, so up and at 'em. 242 00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:29,141 Hey, Nick, I got to talk to you. I have a real problem. 243 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,843 Oh, my God. Did you kill Jess? 244 00:08:30,877 --> 00:08:32,580 No, no, no, no. She just got really drunk 245 00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:33,746 last night, and she passed out. 246 00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:35,347 Hey, guys. 247 00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:37,250 Are you crying, buddy? No. (chuckles) 248 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:38,552 Hey, did he kill Jess? No. 249 00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:41,087 No, I didn't kill Je... (groaning) 250 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,755 Okay, remember when I was so hungover, 251 00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:44,323 I almost missed my flight for Christmas? 252 00:08:44,356 --> 00:08:45,491 Ah, count it down. 253 00:08:45,524 --> 00:08:47,661 Three, two, one. Two, one. 254 00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:50,898 (off-key): * I believe I can fly 255 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:53,533 * I believe I can touch the sky * 256 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:57,070 * I think about it every night and day * 257 00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:58,538 (whoops) * Spread my wings 258 00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:00,740 No! No! * And fly away 259 00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:02,375 * I believe I can soar 260 00:09:02,408 --> 00:09:03,943 * Soar... 261 00:09:03,976 --> 00:09:05,445 I'm up, I'm up, I'm up. NICK: Oh, she's awake. 262 00:09:05,477 --> 00:09:06,779 That was beautiful. Where are my tights? 263 00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:08,716 Uh, in the bathroom where you barfed. 264 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,583 * Spread my wings and fly... You sounded really good there, man. 265 00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:12,418 Start the band. What did you do to her? 266 00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:14,421 I just told her that I thought drinking would make her cool. 267 00:09:14,453 --> 00:09:16,255 What are you, a 14-year-old hockey player? 268 00:09:16,288 --> 00:09:18,125 You're supposed to protect her, not encourage her. 269 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,727 Okay, I am protecting her. She's my old lady now. 270 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,129 By turning her into you? I'm not... 271 00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:26,265 Yeah, Daisy cheating on me. 272 00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,769 Wait, we're using real honey? 273 00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:30,971 So sticky. 274 00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:33,273 Hey, babe! What a nice surprise! 275 00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:34,908 I came to tell you 276 00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:37,210 that you can't come with me to the party tonight. 277 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:40,312 They just told me that it's employees only. No sig oths. 278 00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:42,615 Just say "significant others." Well, 279 00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:44,584 maybe you have that kind of time, but I'm on a tight sched. 280 00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:47,220 Looks like we're gonna go late here anyway, so no worries. 281 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,056 All right... shorty. 282 00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:50,423 (laughs) 283 00:09:50,456 --> 00:09:52,225 All right, bring in the bees! (bees buzzing) 284 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:53,793 Oh, wait. The bees are real, too? 285 00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:55,261 Oh, hell no! 286 00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:57,163 Nick, I need your help, okay? 287 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,831 Now, I am no plumber, 288 00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,600 but I'm 99% sure that there was a guy in her bathroom. 289 00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:03,671 So, she agreed to be exclusive with you... Mm-hmm. 290 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:06,673 ...while the guy she is obviously sleeping with 291 00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,642 was washing his size 15 292 00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,110 ding-dong in the shower. 293 00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:12,412 And now you're taking care of her cat. 294 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,014 Those are the bullet points, yes. 295 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,282 You know what you got to do to 296 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:16,416 get yourself out of this situation. 297 00:10:16,448 --> 00:10:18,618 Break up with Daisy! 298 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,953 Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you're making some very good points. 299 00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:23,322 You know, break up with Daisy. 300 00:10:23,355 --> 00:10:24,758 That's an option. 301 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,759 I was thinking, like, I'll kill her cat. 302 00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:27,894 Winston. 303 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:30,963 Yeah, I'm-I'm gonna kill her cat first. 304 00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:32,432 Hey. I'm gonna kill you. 305 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,301 (purring) 306 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,270 MAN: Hey, it's little Toilet Pants. 307 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:39,371 Hey, Toilet Pants! 308 00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:40,572 * Toilet Pants! 309 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,677 Please stop shouting. 310 00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:44,778 You are so awesome. 311 00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:47,114 I want to show you something. 312 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,849 Oh! 313 00:10:48,881 --> 00:10:50,250 Oh. Oh. Oh. 314 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,220 You're one of us now. 315 00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:56,188 You never have to drink out of a paper cup again. 316 00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,924 Fun mugs. 317 00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:02,129 This one makes me look like I have a... 318 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,797 mustache. Mustache. 319 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,065 BOTH: Mustache. 320 00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:09,035 (sighs) 321 00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:11,038 What's up, Winston? Oh, hey, Nick. 322 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:14,006 You know, I couldn't figure out the best way to kill Furguson, 323 00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,076 so I decided to just let him choose 324 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,977 how he wants to die. 325 00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:20,713 If only I could get him to leave that damn sunbeam. 326 00:11:21,914 --> 00:11:23,649 You're gonna murder a cat? Yeah. 327 00:11:23,682 --> 00:11:25,652 This is a joke, right? No. 328 00:11:25,684 --> 00:11:27,086 This is one of your pranks? 329 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,989 An eye for an eye, Nick. 330 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,389 A cat for a cat. 331 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:32,024 But what's the other cat? 332 00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:34,394 My heart. 333 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,428 JESS: Where's that big flashlight you can hit people with? 334 00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:39,099 Also, do we have any meat pieces that might distract a dog? 335 00:11:39,131 --> 00:11:41,201 NICK: Winston, don't do anything stupid. 336 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,570 Jess, what are you doing? Oh, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool. It's nothing. 337 00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:45,004 We're just breaking into Foster's backyard, 338 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,841 and we are gonna put our butts in his Jacuzzi. 339 00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,376 You're gonna put your butts in his Jacuzzi? Isn't it awesome? 340 00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:51,845 Uh, no, it's not awesome. It's a crime. 341 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,546 It's a very stupid crime, but it's a crime. 342 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,581 Hey, do you have any makeup or costumes that might 343 00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:56,884 make someone look like a bush? 344 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:58,350 You are about to commit a felony. 345 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:01,421 Oh, my God, Nick! You said roll with it! 346 00:12:01,453 --> 00:12:03,090 You're not the kind of person who could break 347 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,724 into the principal's house and get away with it. 348 00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:06,259 You're the kind of person who gets caught, 349 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,628 and it ends up on the Internet in a funny way. 350 00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:11,932 (gasps) My God! That is the cutest cat! 351 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,133 Uh, don't get attached. 352 00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,101 Okay, both of you, knock it off! 353 00:12:15,134 --> 00:12:16,536 Winston! 354 00:12:16,568 --> 00:12:18,071 Look, Nick, you're right. 355 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,605 I'm a nerd. I've never fit in. 356 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:20,941 If I met you in high school, 357 00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:22,708 you never would have even noticed me. 358 00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:25,477 That's just because I didn't go to class. 359 00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:28,380 I wouldn't have seen you. I know it's stupid, but I'm doing it. 360 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,482 I'm not letting you go. Oh, you're not letting me? 361 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:33,485 No. If for some reason I don't come back tonight, 362 00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:36,923 I'll be at the Appleton Suites under the name Suzuki Sinclair. 363 00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:39,426 Ask for Charles. Don't... Hey, hey. 364 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,260 Three, two... We're not done with this conversation, young lady! 365 00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:43,062 Well, we are done! Oh, yeah, then where are you going?! 366 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,932 I'm getting a flashlight! Oh, a hammer, huh? 367 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,566 Hey, Winston, Winston. Good way to go. Thr... 368 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,335 Don't hurt that cat. Uh-huh. 369 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:51,238 Hey, Furguson? Furguson? You scared him. Don't do this. 370 00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,005 Furguson? Winston! 371 00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:55,174 Furguson! (groans) Winston, Winston, stop what you... Stop! 372 00:12:55,207 --> 00:12:56,844 Don't do that scary walk! 373 00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:59,511 Do not do that scary walk that you do that scares me! 374 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,081 Hey, Jess? Jess? 375 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,649 Je...? Winston, don't kill that...! 376 00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:05,618 Jess! I don't know what to do! 377 00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,359 Oh, good Lord. What's wrong? 378 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:13,525 Nothing. You know what? 379 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:15,028 Let me show you the stairwell 380 00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,729 where they got the idea for the escalator. 381 00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:21,500 Shorty! My love. My only love. 382 00:13:21,533 --> 00:13:23,802 I'm sorry. I just... I quit that job, and I had to see you. 383 00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:25,938 How emotional. Let's go talk about it in private 384 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,341 in my perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office. 385 00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:30,376 You stay here. I'm gonna get you a drink. 386 00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:32,846 No, no, no, please, you-you... you stay here. 387 00:13:34,746 --> 00:13:35,883 So... Oh, God, what? 388 00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:37,183 They're both here. 389 00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:38,350 The gas has been spilled. 390 00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:39,952 All we need is a match. 391 00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:41,754 What, are you narrating a book? (imitates explosion) 392 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:48,861 (meows) 393 00:13:48,895 --> 00:13:51,364 Here it comes. 394 00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:54,301 The long nap. 395 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,701 (meows) 396 00:13:57,703 --> 00:14:00,240 Oh, wow. Tell you what, man, we both need to just 397 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:01,474 cool off and have a drink. 398 00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,309 You smoke? I'm just kidding. 399 00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:05,412 But, man, that'd be cute if you did. 400 00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:08,715 What is wrong with me? 401 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:11,350 It... 402 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,254 (sighs): Oh, Furguson. 403 00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:17,356 So, listen, I've been dreaming about this fantasy, and I think 404 00:14:17,389 --> 00:14:19,759 this party might be the perfect place to try it out. 405 00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,727 Okay, but I can't get wet. 406 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:25,032 No water. So, listen, you and I are gonna be sexy strangers. 407 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:28,400 Yeah? Now, your stranger is the early-to-bed type, 408 00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:30,836 and your job has you on Hong Kong time. 409 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,538 But the most important thing is, 410 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:35,174 you're the first person to leave the party. 411 00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:36,408 Whew. I like. 412 00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,279 Wait, is that Cece? Is that who? 413 00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:41,447 Huh? No. (scoffs) 414 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,283 Cece. No. No, Schmidt, 415 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:44,817 that's definitely Cece. 416 00:14:48,754 --> 00:14:51,290 Sorry, in between modeling jobs, she does catering. 417 00:14:51,323 --> 00:14:53,460 You mind if I go over there and say hello? 418 00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:54,527 I think it's only right. 419 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,495 Eh. 420 00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,033 Hey. Hey, I know you told me to stay 421 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,801 in the office, but Beth insisted that I... 422 00:15:01,833 --> 00:15:03,635 Stay away from that woman; she is patient zero 423 00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,038 in this office for spreading HPV. 424 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,538 Here. Put on this apron. 425 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,607 No, why-why would I do that? That's crazy. 426 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,043 My boss was asking, so I told her you were a caterer. 427 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,912 So... just... It's a good idea. 428 00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:15,248 Okay. Just... Yes. 429 00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:16,916 You really want me here, don't you? 430 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,186 So badly. 431 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,455 Can we just come back when we have a plan? 432 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:23,789 Are you afraid? 433 00:15:23,822 --> 00:15:25,158 No, I'm not afraid. 434 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:26,558 Rose, give me a boost. 435 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,161 Here's Rose. I got you. 436 00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:30,330 Oh, my... Oh, my God. 437 00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:31,831 (grunts) You got to help me a little. 438 00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:33,232 That's a hell of a grip, Rose. 439 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,234 (gasps) 440 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,668 I see the Jacuzzi! (screams) 441 00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:37,336 (bushes rustling) Didn't stick the landing! 442 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:38,504 You're doing great. 443 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,273 I'm gonna do a loop to 444 00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:41,474 not attract suspicion. 445 00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:44,211 All right. All right. 446 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,678 Schmidt. I'm right here. 447 00:15:46,712 --> 00:15:48,947 Oh. Do I know you? 448 00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:50,317 Right. 449 00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:51,618 (whispers): The fantasy. 450 00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:54,086 (yawns): Boy, I got to go. 451 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,455 (chuckles) 452 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:58,191 I have a 5:00 a.m. conference call with... 453 00:15:58,225 --> 00:15:59,926 the Asians. 454 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,294 Are you leaving soon, stranger? 455 00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:04,163 You mean "Corporal"? 456 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,198 And, no, I'm gonna stick around and throw down one more beer. 457 00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:08,934 Sweet. 458 00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:10,602 Oh, hey. 459 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:11,870 Don't tell me you're leaving. 460 00:16:11,903 --> 00:16:13,306 Whew, great news. 461 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,674 My boss is in her office completely passed out. 462 00:16:15,707 --> 00:16:18,110 We finally have the night to ourselves. Thank God. 463 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,047 It's getting a little weird here, right? 464 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,282 Dressed up like this. (chuckles) 465 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,051 (sighs) 466 00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,253 That Elizabeth? 467 00:16:32,924 --> 00:16:36,495 Okay, look, Cece, I-I got to tell you something. 468 00:16:36,528 --> 00:16:39,032 Does Elizabeth... work here? 469 00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:41,400 Yes. 470 00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:43,336 Hey. 471 00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,072 We were just talking about you. 472 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:46,405 The food was good. 473 00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:47,706 Yeah. 474 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:50,076 I was thinking of taking some home. 475 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,344 You deserve it. 476 00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,011 Okay, well, I'm heading off. 477 00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:56,615 (British accent): The Asian markets wait for no one. 478 00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:00,386 Wow. 479 00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:02,922 She was ice cold to you. 480 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:05,692 I'm gonna go get a drink. (chuckles) 481 00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:07,894 What a night. 482 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,538 JESS: I got this! Open the damn gate! 483 00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:19,672 Everything's under control! Jess, hey! 484 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:20,940 Don't move! I'm coming over! 485 00:17:20,972 --> 00:17:22,108 Rose, move! Jess, hey. I'm coming. 486 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,411 I got you. Whoa, hey, Rose! 487 00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:27,046 Ease up on the throttle. Those are my precious goods. 488 00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:28,448 (quietly): Did you follow me here? 489 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:29,215 Here I come! 490 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:31,851 Nick. Hey. 491 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:34,787 (quietly): Hey, Jess. Jess, hey. You okay? 492 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,123 Yeah. I'm sorry I tried 493 00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:38,557 to stick my nose in this. I just... 494 00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:41,861 I just... I came here because I'm your old man now. 495 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:46,266 And if you're gonna do something that's obviously very stupid... 496 00:17:46,298 --> 00:17:48,401 then I'm gonna do it with you. 497 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:52,404 (chuckles) 498 00:17:53,905 --> 00:17:54,807 Oh. Oh, my God. 499 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:56,542 You go there. Ow. 500 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,577 What's going on out here? Hey. 501 00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,913 Who are you? No, I-I used to live here. 502 00:18:00,946 --> 00:18:02,414 I was just doing a visit around the neighborhood. 503 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,750 That's my old bedroom right there. 504 00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:06,286 That's a bathroom. 505 00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:07,453 To you maybe it is. 506 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,155 But to me and my four brothers, 507 00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:11,458 that's a home. Nick. 508 00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:12,924 Nick, I can't let you do this. 509 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,926 Mostly 'cause you're so bad at it. 510 00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:16,395 Is that you, Ms. Day? Yes. 511 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,164 It is. I'm so sorry. 512 00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:20,467 I trespassed on your property. 513 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:25,438 And I would not be surprised if you fired me. 514 00:18:25,471 --> 00:18:28,974 I think I know what's really going on here. 515 00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:30,343 You heard about 516 00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:33,145 my new... Jacooz. 517 00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:34,780 * So open up 518 00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,682 * Your morning light And you wanted a taste. 519 00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:38,617 * And say a little prayer for right * 520 00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:41,653 * You know that if we are to stay alive * 521 00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:45,192 Come on in, kids. The water's hot! 522 00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:46,692 * Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo 523 00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:47,693 (Foster sighs) 524 00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,095 * Doo-doo-doo... 525 00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:51,163 Hey, babe. Thanks for watching him. 526 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,266 He can be a real pain in the ass, huh? 527 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,800 Yeah... 528 00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,536 Was there a dude in your shower yesterday? 529 00:18:56,568 --> 00:18:58,871 Yes. 530 00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:00,207 Hmm. How do you know him? 531 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,840 From sex. 532 00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,211 But it was from sex before you and I were exclusive. 533 00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:06,979 Have you had sex with him since? 534 00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:07,980 No. 535 00:19:08,013 --> 00:19:09,449 Oh, wait. Yes. 536 00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:10,717 Last night. 537 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:14,153 Look, um... I really liked you, Daisy. 538 00:19:14,186 --> 00:19:17,056 You know, I wanted this to be a thing, but, uh... 539 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,392 ...I deserve better. 540 00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,729 And so does Furguson. 541 00:19:22,761 --> 00:19:23,796 Hmm? 542 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,597 I'm keeping the cat. 543 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,236 I got your cat! 544 00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:33,072 (slow clapping) 545 00:19:35,607 --> 00:19:37,876 Well, Schmidt, you win. 546 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:40,579 They both really love you. 547 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,583 So... enjoy your office. 548 00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:48,921 Hey! Toilet Pants! Oh! 549 00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:51,258 (all cheering) Toilet Pants! 550 00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:53,259 Thanks for taking the bullet for us the other night. 551 00:19:53,292 --> 00:19:56,262 How long were you stuck in that Jacuzzi for? 552 00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,431 I don't really want to talk about it, but, um, 553 00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:02,101 at one point, he did grab my foot with his toes 554 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:04,371 like it was a hand. 555 00:20:04,403 --> 00:20:05,872 What are you doing tonight? 556 00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:07,539 'Cause we got a liquid form of Ecstasy, 557 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,241 and we're gonna grade papers together. What? 558 00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:10,777 JESS: I would love to, 559 00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:13,846 but I actually think I'm gonna hang out... 560 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,882 with my old man. (chuckles) 561 00:20:15,914 --> 00:20:17,750 That's... weird. 562 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:18,917 Cool. 563 00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:21,253 See you. Weirdo. 564 00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,455 (chuckles) 565 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,632 Hi. 566 00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:34,467 So I hear you're interested in joining the Sack Pack. 567 00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,269 I might be. 568 00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:37,936 Then perhaps this will wet your whistle 569 00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:40,138 of what's fun about being a member. 570 00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,875 Just leave it. Yeah. 571 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:46,546 You are terrible at Hacky Sack. 572 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:47,913 I think I'm retiring. 573 00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:50,016 (both laugh) 574 00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:55,887 Yeah, I just want to say... 575 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:57,789 I would've noticed you. 576 00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:59,959 (chuckles) 577 00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:08,768 (chuckles) 578 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,102 Want to go do it in the teachers' lounge? 579 00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:11,471 Yes. You do? 580 00:21:11,503 --> 00:21:13,271 Oh, I'm gonna do it with a teacher! 581 00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:18,277 Shh. 582 00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:19,612 (purring) 583 00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:22,414 (chuckling softly) 584 00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:25,183 Okay, something is definitely coming out. 585 00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:27,753 (chuckling) 586 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,788 I think we should go. 587 00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:35,662 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org