Previously on New Girl: We're at a wedding together.
Guys, guys, shut and listen to me-- it's Cece.
She doesn't want to get married.
I'm sorry, everyone,
but I can't do this.
What I want is to be with someone else.
Are you in love with her or are you in love with me?
You have to decide.
We tried. We had one night.
Okay, what happened with Jess? We called it.
Yeah, when things get messy
you just run away.
I know you think we should call it.
(sniffles) But I don't want to give up on this.
*
(both laughing)
You know what? I gotta say, Jess,
I really like you.
I really, really like you. I really like you.
I do! I can't believe this is happening.
I know! I can't believe it either.
It's crazy, but it's happening. It's crazy.
I like you so much.
Yeah, I like you so much. Like...
Yeah. I'm just...
What? I'm in.
You know?
I'm...
I'm just all in. I'm all in.
I'm, like, weirdly all in.
Hey, Nick... What?
Pull over.
*
(Jess giggling)
NICK: Well, that was fun.
(laughing)
We finally broke in the Volvo.
(giggling) Oh, my.
What's next? What do we do now?
I'm really fighting the urge
to buy you a lobster dinner.
Do we just go home?
(both chuckle weakly)
You know, I mean, just how is it actually gonna work?
Yeah. We've only been dating for 30 minutes
and we're already living together.
What if you get tired of me, and you have nowhere to go
because we're roommates, and so you have to sleep in your car
'cause you just want to go... Hey. Stop. That's not gonna happen.
I've wanted this for so long.
I don't want anything to go wrong.
(phone chirps)
Oh, it's Schmidt. He's freaking out about Cece.
He doesn't need to reach you all the time. I know, but I feel...
Yeah. You know what? You're right. I'm gonna ignore it for now.
It's all about us right now. It's... yeah, yeah.
(phone chimes) Hmm.
It's Schmidt.
He wants to know where you are.
He texted you to ask where I am? Yeah, I...
(phone chimes) That's... ugh.
He just texted I'm a bad friend.
You know what that is?
Either male genitalia,
or a really big thumbs down.
Why would he send me male genitalia? Why can't he talk to Winston?
Well, without me, they get so weird and they fight all the time.
This is what I'm talk... (phone chimes)
How many times a day does Schmidt text you?
I don't know, I'll just say 40.
How... (phone chimes)
See, this is what I'm talking about.
I feel like we need time alone... (phone chimes)
so we can figure out what this is.
(phone chimes) Yes.
(both phones chiming) This is what I want.
I want to be with you Yeah?
alone, without anybody else.
Just you and... Ugh.
Where have you been?
I'm having a major life crisis,
and you guys are, what? Just driving around,
French-kissing each other like a couple Dutch hookers?
What is that, Nick? Is that a hickey?
Disgusting! Hey, you guys.
Um, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Now, I know everyone's going through a lot,
but I think it is time for me to start a puzzle.
A puzzle? No, it isn't.
What is going on with you two? Are you, like, a couple now?
Have you thought any of this through?
Nick, please help me, okay?
Stop being so selfish and just help me.
Okay, you know what? Give me one minute,
I'll be right inside. We'll be right in.
Yeah, we just got to figure something out. Yeah.
All right! Thanks, man. It's a real puzzle.
The gang's back. Yeah, yeah... We'll be right in.
Yeah, good-bye, guys. We love you guys.
Run! Run!
* Who's that girl?
* Who's that girl? * * It's Jess.
(whistles)
SCHMIDT: Well, Winston,
after 25 unanswered text messages
to Nick and Jess this morning,
I finally received a response.
A smiley face.
This leaves us with one choice:
to become best friends.
Huh? Yeah, fine.
For r...? Okay, great.
Now, as my best friend, I expect you to
be willing to sacrifice everything for me
at a moment's notice, including, of course,
unfortunately for you, your dignity.
Yeah, fine. Winston, what can I do for you?
Don't talk to me that much, never lie to me,
and never, ever touch my puzzle.
Winston, do we... (chuckles) do we think now
is really the right time to be starting a puzzle?
(laughs) I'm great at puzzles.
You're a born puzzler, Winston,
sure, um, but...
don't you agree that sometimes,
when you start puzzles, you get a little bit weird?
And, I don't know, intense?
(humming)
Spend a lot of time humming.
Also spend a lot of time naked.
* I'm gonna do you, puzzle!
Right on the table.
As nasty as you want to be.
Hey, Schmidt, what do you think it's gonna look like?
What do I think it's going to look like...?
Yeah, the puzzle. Winston, it's on the box.
The... the picture's on the box.
It's a Japanese garden!
Schmidt, calm down. What is your problem?
Two women are in love with me.
The problem is, is I'm in love with both of them.
Okay, looks like you're gonna have to choose.
Cece and I, we have this connection.
You know, it's physical... it's unhealthy.
Look, I don't want to get too graphic with you,
but I'm not just the plug with her.
I'm also a socket.
God... okay, fine.
Schmidt, choose Cece. Yeah, but...
I was dating Elizabeth first, so.... Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute-- Winston-- I was dating Elizabeth first.
Look, Schmidt, you want to know what I think? No, I don't. Done.
Decided. Ha!
Cece, out.
I was dating Elizabeth first.
My man! Way to talk that out.
Yeah. Talk it out.
Best friends. Best friends.
SCHMIDT: This is gonna work out, man.
Yeah, it's gonna work out, man.
* Puzzling
* Winston is about to do some puzzling *
* About to get into some puzzle troubling. *
So, in conclusion,
it's a... you know,
it's a very difficult decision
that I've had to... that, you know,
that you guys have put me in, here,
but I just... I'm gonna be candid.
I've been up for 24 hours.
I have to return all of these gifts.
So just say it.
You don't want to be with me.
Wh... huh?
Look... look at that.
I just looked down and I thought,
"This girl must be wearing sneakers
"with shoelaces, and th-those shoelaces must be tied together,
because this girl is straight trippin', yo."
What? Of course I want to be with you.
(chuckles)
But I feel so terrible for Elizabeth.
How did she take it?
Sh... She took it.
Mm-hmm.
In the marketplace of ideas, where...
culture is king,
and data moves faster than people,
where scalable opportunities come from turnkey solutions...
What are you trying to say, Schmidt?
Is it over?
No... no.
As if.
Of course I picked you; it wasn't even close.
Come here, you crazy white girl.
There it is.
Poor Cece.
Uh, yeah, okay.
(lively Mexican music playing on radio)
Oh...
I fell asleep.
(chuckles)
How long have you been driving?
Those cops look like they're about 15
and they have huge guns.
Jess, are we in Mexico?
All in!
We're in Mexico! (laughs)
Oh, my God, pull over! That piñata's shaped like a monkey!
You know what? It's gonna be weird
going back to having sex
without a bunch of feral dogs watching.
(laughs)
Why am I not hungry?
I should be hungry.
Remember when we lived in that loft,
and, like, we had all those problems?
(laughing): Yeah.
(phone ringing)
All in!
Voice mail?
Again?
Where have you been? It's been four days, man.
Have you really been doing it with Jess this whole time?
That's disgusting.
Nick, I did something really wrong,
and, uh...
I just... I need to talk to you.
I need to talk to my friend.
Come home.
Yeah, I should try him again.
Dial best friend-- one.
Let's stay here. We're totally out of money.
We got this great setup. No, this is not gonna last long.
It's not gonna last long. It isn't.
This is a badly built shelter.
We'll go right there.
How hard could that place be to sneak into?
You all in?
JESS: Nick, this has
been fun, but...
Okay, look: everything that's bad
is waiting for us back in the loft.
But here?
I'm Paradise Nick.
And Paradise Nick is mega-chill.
Paradise Jess. And you're Paradise Jess, right?
We can make food and just...
All in. All in.
(whispering): It don't work like that.
If you... uh...
(scoffs)
Hey, man, how'd she take it?
Devastated. I'm sure glad that's settled.
Hey, man, I'm gonna go shower.
I'm proud of you.
I know it must have been tough.
Hey, Schmidt, who do you call if puzzle pieces are broken?
Oh. Hey, Winston.
Is, uh, is Schmidt home?
Cece.
Oh, my goodness. Hi.
Do you need a hug?
All right.
(laughs, grunts)
(Winston humming a jazzy tune)
Is Schmidt even here, Winston?
Yeah. Yeah, he's in the shower.
Um... Cece, I just want to say,
on my end, that I am so, so sorry.
CECE: Sorry about what?
You know, uh... Elizabeth.
Well, what about Elizabeth?
He made love to her.
Winston made love to Elizabeth.
After I chose you,
Winston was all too quick,
in Elizabeth's vulnerable state,
to rush in there and just get his jollies off.
His sweaty,
disgusting jollies.
Seriously?
I mean, she must have just been
so upset and hurt... I mean, I didn't even know
you were interested in her.
SCHMIDT: Tell her what you did, Winston,
and give her the short version,
which you did not give to Elizabeth.
Wha...?
What I did... um...
Okay, well, I drove over there...
...to seduce her.
And I seduced her...
two and a half times.
Puzzle me this, then, Winston:
how do you live with yourself?
I have a bit of a hard time believing
that Winston would do this.
SCHMIDT: Well, then, you obviously don't know Winston,
'cause he's a
sick, disgusting human being.
Just this morning he asked me
for a pair of your underpants.
Winston? Hmm?
Is that true?
Yes.
I needed your underwear to...
sew into my underwear.
Oh... my...
...God.
That is disgusting! You are a pervert!
SCHMIDT: Oh, I'm so sorry, Cece.
Just wait in the car. You don't have
to deal with this disgusting trash person, garbage child!
CECE: Freak! (door slams)
You're upset.
As you should be.
Oh, but that was great, man.
How long as this been going on, man?
Four days.
Four days, and you didn't tell me?
Come on, Schmidt!
I said, "Don't lie to me."
I'm sorry. All right?
I love both of these women and I couldn't decide.
I needed to buy some more time.
Cece thinks I'm wearing her panties right now!
Well, that's on you, man! You freaked out super hard!
You-you kidding me? That's so weird.
Sewing people's panties into underpants.
Look, we're not best friends, Schmidt.
As a matter of fact,
we're not friends at all...
until you fix this.
Okay, all right, look.
Winston, I'm sorry, man.
W-Winston, you've been
working on this puzzle for quite some time now.
You realize a lot of those puzzle pieces
are upside down, right?
It's just they're cardboard color.
Is that an almond that you have
inserted into one of the pieces?
Are you just eating them, or are you using them as pieces?
You know that's an almond, right?
(screaming)
Schmidt, come here!
Free cocktails.
No way! Yeah, fitting right in.
Oh, my God. What?
Security guard. Freeze.
NICK: Okay, don't freeze. That looks weird.
Did he notice you? Of course he noticed you.
You're the prettiest girl on the damn beach. Aw...
So sweet. Shut up. We need one of these bracelets right away, Jess.
Bracelet. Yeah.
Oh, hey! Hey...
Hey, pal. That's a really cool bracelet.
Do you think I could try it on?
No. Listen, okay?
Will you lean in here for a second and listen to me?
One day, you're gonna meet
a girl, you're gonna really like her,
and you're gonna want to give her everything,
but you won't be able to afford it
because your life's kind of in shambles
and you don't have money.
Look at you, kid, you got a great-looking face.
I don't know, you might have a tough go of it.
What do I know? Just promise me this:
Promise me you're gonna try to enjoy your life as much
as you can, 'cause one day
you're gonna be dead, and, you know.
Can I have your bracelet, for real?
No.
If you don't give me the bracelet,
I'm gonna strangle you to death.
Thanks, buddy. Not cool.
But it worked, okay? We got the bracelet, so now we're back in action.
Hola. JESS: Hola.
Can I see your bracelets, por favor?
Yes.
Looks pretty on her, right?
Señor?
Run! JESS: No!
(guard speaks Spanish)
I don't speak Spanish, you snake!
What are you gonna do? I'm in the ocean now!
I'm in international waters!
I've got a shell.
Let's just go. Let's just get out of here.
Point Break style? No, no, no!
I will Point Break style this moment!
Nick, let's go!
Nick, stop!
Aah! Ow!
(Nick sobbing)
Ow! Ow, that hurt!
Wait! Where are you taking him?!
Jail. JESS: Aah!
(Winston singing quietly)
Truce, okay?
Winston, please, come on... Talk to me. I...
I need a friend right now.
I love both of these women,
and I can't lose them, and I can't... hurt them.
And we made a pact!
No. You lied to me.
You're a liar.
Okay, well, then would you like some truth, Winston?
Here's some truth for you, okay?
You're terrible at puzzles.
Worst I've ever seen by a mile.
What, do you have fly vision?
Look at this puzzle.
It's ages six and up.
You are up, Winston.
You are way up!
You want to say that to my face?
This is a corner piece, Winston!
How do you not see that? What are you, blind?!
I'm so sorry-- actually, a blind man could feel
the smooth edges of a corner piece!
You are making me so mad.
Ooh, you are making me so mad.
Oh, yeah?
You're making me, you're making me mad.
How am I making you...? Am I making you...?
Yes, you're making me mad. What you want to do?
What are you doing? Huh? What are you doing?
Which way are you going? What is happening? Huh?
Ow! What did you do?
Don't mess with me, man. I'm legit. I'm legit, dude.
I'm getting very dizzy. You coming at me, son?
I need all the cash you have and Nick's passport!
What'd you say? What?
Nick's in trouble?
SCHMIDT: What are we doing? Nick is in jail?
WINSTON: Nick went to jail before me?
(Winston laughing)
(overlapping arguing)
(bell dinging)
Hey, stop it! Stop it!
This is not the time for fighting.
Nick is in a Mexican jail.
We don't know this country. We don't know their laws.
We don't know how to get him out.
I just hope he found somebody
who can protect him and take care of him.
What, you hope he's somebody's bitch?
No, like a mentor.
He'd never be picked as a bitch.
Nick is very attractive. He can be a bitch.
A sissy, perhaps, but a bitch? No way.
He can be a bitch. He cannot be a bitch.
My God, what's a sissy? Are you insane?
A chubby gringo? Stop it!
Nick is my bitch.
(bell dings)
Hola, señors, señora. Hola.
Hi. Um, we have some questions.
Jess, I got this. I know how to handle these people.
Is this for me?
That's for you to send your kids to college,
or for you to send some fun up your nose.
SCHMIDT: Your choice, bro.
Don't worry. We're looking
for our friend Nick Miller...
if he's still alive, and his head... if it's separate.
You know who you should talk to? Manny.
Manny. Manny.
(quietly): Talk to Julio.
Julio. Julio.
Talk to Brad.
I don't really feel right about this.
Oh, Jess, you're so naive. It's a game.
We're working our way up the ladder.
Brad is clearly the kingpin.
Thanks so much.
(Jess sighs)
Okay, that didn't work. Next idea.
Well... There are no next ideas, Schmidt!
We're out of money!
I need to just find somebody.
F-F... Oh, just find somebody? Yes.
Right, Jess, 'cause the streets down here
they run red with hospitality. Hey! Hey!
Hi. Sorry. I met you yesterday.
You arrested a man named Nick Miller.
You got money?
Money. No, we don't have any money.
But wait, wait, wait!
What about his shoes? Any interest in his shoes? Hell, no.
There's no way you're getting
these damn shoes, okay?
These are my favorite brown shoes.
And besides, this is all your fault, Schmidt.
Nick's body's being traded like cigarettes right now!
Winston, those shoes are not brown-- they're green.
What the hell you talking about, man?
Those shoes are green. You guys are idiots, all right?
They're as brown as money.
What color is Kermit the Frog? Brown.
It's a brown frog.
Winston? Winston, you're color-blind, dude.
What? I am not color... I am not color-blind.
Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
Sir, I'm so sorry. We have no money.
We don't even have money for gas.
Oh, you got a car.
Want to trade?
Hey.
Oh, my God, I thought he was taking you to jail.
No, it's resort jail, and it's not so bad.
They let me watch Ugly Betty.
Here, I brought you your passport.
Winston, enough! Enough for me!
Oh, Nicholas, thank goodness you're alive. Nick!
You brought them? (rapid, overlapping chatter)
I needed their help.
Winston does not get me at all. What?
And, plus, he's color-blind,
which basically makes him crippled.
You're color-blind? Please, tell me: these shoes are brown, right?
Those shoes are green. They're definitely green.
Okay, you both are crazy.
Did you text them and tell them to say that? Winston!
What? If you think those shoes are brown,
what color do you think you are?
Jess, I can't do this.
What? Do you really want to wake up
to this every morning?
It doesn't matter,
as long as I wake up next to you.
I got an idea. What?
Let's move to Mexico.
What? Yeah!
Hell no! No, no, no. No, Nicolas, I need you.
And then if you leave, then I'm with Winston, and I can't handle that.
You move your ass back to this loft, okay?
You and me, we work here.
If we go back to the loft, we're not gonna make it.
Yes, we are. We are gonna make it.
You won't. Yeah, I agree, you won't make it.
He's 100% right. You will not.
I'm not ready to lose you.
I just got you, Jess.
And I'm not letting you go.
So...
I'm all in.
I'm shredding this passport. I'm not leaving Mexico.
Oh, no, you are not, sir! No, no, no, wait, wait!
No, no, no! I will put myself in that shredder
before you put your passport in there!
WINSTON: Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, switch!
Passport, yeah, put yourself in there. Stop! Stop, Nick!
I will shred my ear! I'll do it!
Your ear could go in! I will shred myself!
Your ear could go in. I will shred myself in the shredder.
Get serious! (Jess yells)
Stop.
Listen to me.
We're a family.
You can't choose who you love.
Sometimes they choose you.
And sometimes, it's just because
you got a really great deal on Craigslist.
(laughing): I got a really great deal on Craigslist.
I got all of you.
There is no "us" without Schmidt and Winston.
It's gonna be really, really hard.
But so what, Nick?
So what?
I believe in us.
I'm all in.
I really want to go home.
(giggles)
Come on, man, let's just go home.
(sighs)
You know what? I love you guys.
WINSTON: Okay. Let's go home.
(laughing): Great.
(both laughing)
(whirring)
Oh, my God!
No!
(all shouting at once)
No! Get it out! Get it out!
(shouting)
(screams) Unplug it, Nick!
The shredder shredded it, bro.
WINSTON: No, no, no, no, guys, we're fine.
I can work with this.
(chuckles)
SCHMIDT: Okay, everybody, just be cool; act normal.
U.S. citizens?
Passports, please.
What is this?
Sir, my name is Winston Bishop.
I'm a color-blind American citizen,
and I can't do puzzles.
Now let us go home.
It says "Unatered Stites of Amurica."
(Nick sighs)
(sighs)
(laughs)
You ready?
(laughing)
(grunting)
(laughs)
Hey, I got you something, actually.
Oh. I mean, I stole it from a kid, but...
(sighs)
We can do this.
Yeah, we can do this. Yeah.
All right.
Yeah. Here we go, huh?
It's locked.
I think somebody accidentally locked this.
Where's your key? I don't carry a key.
You don't carry a key? No, I don't carry a...
Ever? Why would I carry a key?
You never carry a key? There's always somebody home!
How are you supposed to get the door? And I know how to jimmy the...
Mmm, my God...
JESS: I like you so much.
I like you, too. And I'll start carrying a key.
Okay, I'll carry a key for you.
For the love of God, Winston, please just go unlock the door.
This is so weird. NICK: Yeah...
(sighs)
Sayonara, masturbation, for the rest of my life.
Hey, Cece, it's Schmidt.
Hi.
You want me to come over tonight?
I think I can make that work.
Uh, can you give me, like, five minutes?
Great. Um... ooh, actually, can you hold on one second?
(laughs) Hi, Elizabeth, my darling.
How are you?
Uh, tonight? You want to... tonight.
Um, can you just give me one second
so I can check my calendar?
That'd be great.
I just checked it, and, uh...
it looks like there's a slight problem. Um...
(clears throat)
* Puzzling
* I am puzzling...
Looks good to me.
* This is my masterpiece.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org