Oh, man.
Fantastico.
Are you checking my pulse?
You were very still.
[both laugh]
Well, that was really fun.
[both laugh]
I don't know what to say here.
Um... I got an idea. Stay right here, okay?
Okay. Let me do something.
Stay right here. Okay.
[door opens, closes]
We need some dessert.
That's too much.
Nah, definitely not doing that.
Bob!
You. It's... you.
Nick. Right. Nick. How could I forget that?
Sorry to interrupt you.
Wilson let me in.
[chuckles] Well, what are you doing with that?
That, uh, looks like lady food.
This is for Wilson.
Yeah, Wilson, here's your grapefruit,
pie and eggs, just like you like.
Is it because it's my birthday?
It's your birthday?
That's why I made it, 'cause it's your birthday.
I know you're lying, and I'm hurt,
but I'm gonna eat this anyway.
See you later, Wilson.
What are you doing here, Bob? The wedding!
I wouldn't miss Cece's wedding. Where's Jess?
Hey, Nick, what's our la...?
Look who I bumped into-- your dad!
Dad! [mouthing] Your dad is here today, Jess!
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Who's that girl?♪
♪ It's Jess.
[whistles]
[sighs]
[both laugh]
Well?
Are the reviews in?
The reviews for what?
My new body.
How it moves.
Its pitch, its yaw.
My perfectly sculpted pubic topiary.
I liked how your body moved
before you knew what to do with it.
[upbeat reggae music playing]
Want to dance? Yeah, right.
Fat kid wants to dance at the cool college party.
Nice joke, stranger.Come on.
If they make fun of you, I'll punch them in the penis.
♪
[grunting]
You never cared about what people thought.
I mean, even last night, with the window open
and the wolf howls.
MAN [through wall]: It was very uncomfortable.
Stop threatening to move, Bernie, and just move!
I love that about you.
I'm gonna go to work. Do you want to have lunch later?
It's still impressive,
but did you lose weight down...?
It's slightly smaller.
Doctors-- no explanation.
BERNIE: That's not normal.
Shut up, Bernie!
[quietly]: He can never
find out about this, because he will kill you.
When I was ten, he caught me kissing Glenn Ely.
He got some guys from the club to put the fear of God in him.
[screaming]
Help!
So, let me deal with him.
BOB: Smile!
I got to get some new flash cubes.
[quietly]: Dude, keep your mouth shut.
Okay? Great, fantastic.
Hey, Dad? BOB: Yeah?
Why don't we take a walk?[phone ringing]
Oh, it's Peg. Peg.
Hi, Jess. Guess what? I'm at a new school,
and there's an opening for a new teacher,
and you'd be perfect. Can you come in today?
Yeah, I would love to.
I just-- um, my dad's in town, so...
I'm kind of out on a limb here.
I really talked you up to the principal.
Guess what. Spoiler alert.
He's porking me.
Can you be here in 30 minutes?
Okay, I'll figure it out.
Amy! Put those back in your shirt, both of them.
Oh, my God.
I have the chance to teach kids again.
You got to go.
Oh... Dad, you should come with me.
Yes, you should go with your daughter!
What am I gonna do, sit in your car and get mugged?
I mean, I didn't gay my way out of Vietnam
just to be killed by some punk.
No, no. No, I'll stay with him.
Oh, no, no, that, uh, that doesn't work.That's a bad idea.
That's-- I've-I've got stuff I got to do, so...
Stuff? Yeah.
You don't have any stuff. Name one stuff.
[quietly]: Documents.
Documents?
Yeah, I got documents.
Okay, I get it.
You know, I'm always alone,
so, I'll just, uh... be alone.
[whispering]: Do not fall for it.
I am falling for it.Do not fall for it.
I am falling for it right this second.
I'm feeling bad. [loud]: I'll stay!
BOB: That's terrific.
[laughter]
Jess... Jess.
Hi! Yay, tomorrow's your big day! Hooray!
Listen, I'm gonna be a little bit
later than I thought I would be,
but it's gonna be worth it, because last night...
Just hang on.
I can't hear you. I can't hear you.
Guys, it's too loud in here, okay?!
Uncle Shishir!
[laughter]
He had one scene with Salman Khan in Dabangg 2,
and all of the sudden he thinks he's Amitabh Bachchan
in Jhoom Barabar Jhoom.
I could just tell you later.
I am exhausted, and I still have to go pick up my wedding sari,
and I still have to get my hands henna'd.
Okay, look, so send everybody to their hotels.
I'll have Winston pick up your sari,
and then after you're done having your hands tattooed,
take a nap.
Now hand the phone to Shishir.
Uncle.
Jess.
Shishir, you son of a bitch.
You little son of a bitch.
It is not your day!
Hey, Winston.What's up?
Anything you want to wish me?Look, Winston,
I need you to pick up Cece's wedding sari
and take it to her house.
You want me to take it to her house?
Yeah. Just go pick it up.
Ah, wedding sari,
for the celebration of the wedding.
Yes, nothing else.
Yeah, I don't know
what you're doing, but just do it, okay?
Um, I have to go.
It's happening!
[grunts]
Peg, hi. Thank you so much for the interview.
Sorry I'm late.Uh, no interview.
You're getting right in the soup; you're subbing.
I need Al to see you in action. What? Subbing?
It's a really busy day; I don't think I could sub...
Oh, yes you can....right now.
What? No.This is your chance.
Oh, my...
[kids clamoring]
Ah, stop! You have to stop!
[kids clamoring]
Hey, guys. All right.
Okay, listen!
Or don't!
But the hell if I'm not gonna teach!
I'm gonna bring the words of Mark Twain alive
with only the human voice.
What about you? You got a girl?
No. No, no, no, no, no.No, really?
No, no, no, no. No girls for me.
Seriously? A good- looking guy like you? No.
It'd seem like women would just flock to you.
No, no, it's not like that.With that gruffy...
Let's talk about you and girls!...with the stubble...
I don't want to talk about this....and a young guy.
This isn't something we should talk about, Bob, trust me!
Okay, gee whiz, I'm sorry.
Just freakin' back off.
I'm sorry I brought it up.
All right.
What?
There's a girl.
There is, see? I told you. I knew-- There's always a girl.
Yes. There-- you're right.Come on, what's she like?
She's, uh, not quirky.
No?
She's got no bangs.
No bangs.
Uh, tall and fat.
Really? Yeah.
Really ugly eyes.
Small, tiny little beady eyes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Her name is, uh, Yolanda Winston.
Just wallpaper! I have fancy athletic shoe wallpaper.
Elizabeth, what are you doing here?
I got here early, so I wanted to come up.
That shirt is, uh... 12 years old.
It's the shirt I met you in.
Oh, yeah, I remember that.
Y2 Kitty Kat.
As relevant today as it was then.
Schmidt, do you have a moment?
I have unlimited moments.
I was reviewing the numbers...
[quietly]: Custodial keeps sending us
these spooky Eastern European girls.
You want to see spooky? Call me spooky again.
I'll spook the ass fat right out of your lips.
Do you know her?
Mm... no...
No?I...
I feel like I'm trap... I'm being trapped, am I not?
Then I'll do you a favor and set you free.
Idiot.
Wait, don't leave. Elizabeth!
I don't know why I just did that! I knew you couldn't change back!
But why are you wearing that shirt?!
I'm not gonna let you make me
feel bad about myself! I love this shirt!
Y2 Kitty Kat?
I don't need this.
I was fine before you showed up.
In fact, I said no to a date tonight to be with you!
I'm gonna text him "Yes."
And guess what.
I don't care what you think.
See ya, Schmidt.
Without validation, the parking rates are absurd.
[kids clamoring]
Jamie, enough with the globes. We get it. You're angry.
[school bell ringing]
Okay, that's lunch. Be back in an hour.
Jess! [gasps]
I'm Dr. Foster. Oh.
Peg has gone on and on and on and on and on about you.
So nice to meet you.
I'm just running out for lunch...
Uh! No, no, need.
No need.During the lunch that I...
But you don't need to go out for lunch.
We can have lunch here.
My secretary is bringing food.
So we'll have a chitchat, tête-à-tête,
exchange-ideas kind of lunch.
To see how you'll fit in to the Coolidge culture.
Um, well, long story short, I really would love this job,
I love teaching kids...
Ha! Now, what if
you weren't referring to children...
Uh-huh?
...but to baby goats?
Huh.
That's an interesting question.
Well, we used to have
a school goat named Melvin.
Uh...
He hanged himself,
tragically, on the swing set.
[groans]
So... we bought another goat.
Also named Melvin.
Surprise!
[chuckles]
Yeah, you can come out now!
I see some-some food over here.
Where my cake at?
Hey, where my cake at?!
[yawns]I can hear you giggling,
I can see the...
Where's my sari?Something on your face.
What's that, like, a wedding tattoo?
What do you mean there's something on my face?
[screaming]
Wait-wait a minute. Hold-hold on, hold on.
What are you doing?
Lettuce, tomato, lettuce,
meat-meat-meat-meat-meat- meat-meat-meat-meat,
cheese, lettuce.
You're a sandwich genius.
Is there anything
you don't know everything about?
Try me. All right, I will try you.
I've got a question about Yolanda Winston.
Sure. Well, we've only slept together once,
but, Bob, I don't know what she wants.
Well, the first thing you got to figure out
is what do you want.
Well, I don't know how you get a podcast,
but you should look into it.
[phone ringing]Bob here.
Hey, Dad, new plan. I'm headed over to Cece's.
How's it going over there?
Great. We're making sandwiches,
we're talking about girls.
Interesting. Could you hand the phone to Nick?
Jess. Yeah, she wants to talk to you.
Oh, cool. Jess!
What is going on over there, Nick?!
Hanging out with my boy Bobby D.
Bobby D! I love that!
Talking about girls?!
That's the one thing you should not be talking about!
You are freaking out about noth...
Hey, you know what?
I don't like what's happening here.
I am coming home.
[tires screech, horns blaring]
Just relax. I think he really likes me.
Oh, it's Cece. I have to take this.
Cece, hi.
[Cece screaming]
What's going on?
I fell asleep on my hand!
[tires screech]
[screams]: Oh!
It's not as bad as I thought.
[groans]
I'm getting married tomorrow,
and I look like Mike Tyson!
Okay, nothing a little cotton balls and olive oil can't fix.
In a few minutes, we are gonna laugh about this. We will laugh.
Okay.
This is funny later. Okay.
Uh-huh. Oh, see?
It's coming right off.
[chuckles]
Um...
[clears throat]
All gone?
Burkas isn't you guys, is it?
This girl really means a lot to me, Bob.
And I just don't want to screw it up.
Why would you screw it up?
I don't want to make excuses,
but my dad was kind of a... a piece of...
You know, truth be told, Bob, I'm afraid I'm a lot like him.
The mere fact that you just said that means
that you're nothing like your old man.
Any girl would be lucky to have a guy like you.
You mean that?
Yes, I do.
Think I'm gonna say something
that might make you real happy.
That little girl I was talking about, Yolanda?
Her name isn't Yolanda.
It's Jess.
She's your daughter.
I'll kill you![shrieking]
You're dead! You're dead!
Hi, you-you tattooed my friend this morning for her wedding.
Is there a quick way of getting it off?
Uh-huh. Okay!
Um, wonderful.
Thank you so much, Dipti.
That's awesome. Thanks.
It's not coming off.Nope, it's not.
Absolutely not.
Okay, look, um, Cece,
I think maybe you should call Shivrang.
I don't want him to see me like this, Jess!
Like, what have you done?!
I done? You're the dummy who fell asleep on your hands!
I'm so sorry. That shouldn't have come out of my mouth.
That was really uncool. I've just had a crazy 24 hours,
and... I slept with Nick last night.
You slept with Nick?I don't know. I think it might
be the start of something, like, really amazing.
Mm-hmm, sure.I don't want to get my hopes up, but it could be something.
It could not be something.Sure. Makes sense.
I don't know.I have a full beard!
[groaning]: No.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not scared of you, dude.
What are you doing with that?
Put that down; I'm not gonna hurt you.
JESS: Okay.
Okay, conversation's over.
Nick, hands up, back away. What is this?
Dad, you're coming with me now.
You want to get rid of me?
So you two can do it again?
What?! You told him?!
God, I knew you would blurt it out.
Shows how much you know; I didn't blurt it out.
I told him on purpose.
Why would you do that?!
What is wrong with you?!
I wanted him to like me-- in fact, I want
all fathers to like me.
I wonder what that's about.
W-What, do you owe money on the rent?
I mean, what-what is going on here?
Dad, I don't know what's going on.
We haven't had a chance to talk it out yet.
Well, when did this happen?Last night.
Nick!Why am I telling you this?
Jess, why are you picking him?
He's a lazy, drunken cable thief.
Wh-What's wrong with Wilson?
Dad, there's nothing wrong with Nick.
You don't even know him.
I do know him.
I know him.
When I was young, I was confused, I was lost,
I had no plan.
But I went ahead and got married anyway.
And if I had figured things out before I got married,
I might still be with your mother.
So I do know you.
You're not your father.
You're me.
And I'm not good enough for my little girl.
Yeah, I got my own damn cake,
and you can't have none!
I got to...
Nick, wait, Nick...No, I really...
Damn it, Dad![door closes]
You know I'm right.
[cell phone chimes]
Oh, I have to go.
I have to go back to school now.
You sure you want to be eating so much cake
with a body like that?
[school bell ringing, kids clamoring]
Guys?
I've had a bad day!
[clamoring stops]
Sit down!
All of you!
What is with everyone today?
Everything started so good.
Boy.
My roommate.
[chuckles]
It was good, I'm not gonna lie.
It was very good.
But I can't date my dad.
Look... life's messy.
It kicks you in the ass.
That's right, I said "ass."
But it does, it kicks you in the ass.
And, um...
the messy parts are the...
best parts.
Thank you, Miguel.
The gesture is very sweet.
These are very bad for you.
I've got a car.
I could take you to the movies.
[chuckles]: No, you don't...
You do?
Jess called you?
Yeah, she said you needed me.
She also told me to watch out for the girl
who looked like Mandy Patinkin.
We can't get married like this.
Hey, look, if this is our biggest problem,
I'll take it.
I'll make a call and fix it.
[Italian music playing]
Now that your mom's dead,
do you do all the landlording yourself?
[chuckles]
Uh-huh.
You want to dance?
I'm wearing the shirt that you got me.
Did you think I threw it away?
Frogetaboutit.
Go home, Schmidt.
I don't want to go home, Elizabeth.
[music fades]
Look, I want to be with you.
And I-I don't care who knows it.
Hey, Geppetto.
Make with the "oom pah pah."
[Italian music playing]
[air blowing]
We have a pump that can blow that thing up
in, like, two seconds.
I prefer to do this the old-fashioned way.
I know that's not the way things are done around here.
So long as I'm in town,
I am going to sleep between you and him.
Dad, you don't have to worry about me.
I know you think this is gonna be a mess,
but it's my mess.
Jess, I'm your father.
I'll always worry about you.
[blowing]
♪
[phone chimes]
♪ What do you say
♪ Is this the time
♪ For one more try
♪ At a happy life...
This was the breakfast I was gonna give you this morning.
♪ Is this unwise
♪ To think my fears...
Hey, um...
I hope my dad didn't get in your head.
No.
Uh, no, uh...
Oh, look who took the romance spot.
We were just gonna match up constellations with
the mole patterns on my back.
Then we're gonna get drunk and try to find people doing it.
[chuckles]: Yeah.
First come, first serve. Scram.
Oh, is that how it is now?
You just own the roof?
Hey, what's everybody do...?
You guys remembered?
[chuckles]: Oh, my good...
This whole time, I thought you guys forgot.
Is that a golden telescope?
You know how much I love to explore space and time, man!
Thank you!
Happy birthday!I love you.
Happy birthday.Hey, happy birthday!
It's the birthday boy.
Come here, I'm gonna set it up for you.
Why can't I have the telescope?
SCHMIDT: But it's my telescope.
WINSTON: Thought it was for me.
Get in, get into it, man.Yay, the birthday boy!
Get into it.Get in there, birthday boy!
Happy birthday, Winston.