1 00:00:01,958 --> 00:00:03,915 What is that? What are you doing? 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:04,743 WINSTON: Oh, my goodness.Hey. 3 00:00:04,786 --> 00:00:05,743 Oh, hey, guys, you have 4 00:00:05,788 --> 00:00:06,745 any hair you want removed? 5 00:00:06,788 --> 00:00:08,051 I must respectfully decline 6 00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:09,835 such a horribly depressing invitation. 7 00:00:09,878 --> 00:00:10,923 Going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. 8 00:00:10,967 --> 00:00:11,836 I haven't had sex with her 9 00:00:11,881 --> 00:00:12,837 since I was fat, and accessing 10 00:00:12,881 --> 00:00:14,057 my penis was like getting 11 00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:15,449 the remote control out of the couch. 12 00:00:15,493 --> 00:00:16,841 Now I know things, 13 00:00:16,885 --> 00:00:18,234 and I own things. 14 00:00:18,278 --> 00:00:20,236 Like this. 15 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:21,978 What is that?Oh, my God, that poor girl. 16 00:00:22,021 --> 00:00:23,719 This is the Archduke. 17 00:00:23,762 --> 00:00:25,199 The crowning achievement 18 00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:26,722 of the German Institute of Female Pleasure. 19 00:00:26,765 --> 00:00:29,071 Dude, this thing takes 16 single-A batteries? 20 00:00:29,115 --> 00:00:30,899 I thought I threw that thing out the window. 21 00:00:30,943 --> 00:00:32,988 That only made it stronger.WINSTON: Oh, that reminds me: 22 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,078 Daisy called, and we're going out tonight. 23 00:00:35,121 --> 00:00:37,298 [chuckles] Yeah, she sounded pretty excited. 24 00:00:37,341 --> 00:00:39,299 I do believe her exact words were, 25 00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:41,344 "This is your last chance." 26 00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:42,780 So, I'm very confident.Yeah. 27 00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:43,956 Very confident.[cell phone rings] 28 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:44,783 Schmidt, can you help me 29 00:00:44,826 --> 00:00:46,481 with my phone? I have... 30 00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:48,482 Oh, you need help? Where's your women's lib now? 31 00:00:48,526 --> 00:00:49,787 From Teddy: 32 00:00:49,832 --> 00:00:51,746 "In town tonight. 33 00:00:51,789 --> 00:00:52,965 "Would love to see you. 34 00:00:53,009 --> 00:00:55,097 9:00 p.m. drinks?"CECE: Oh, my God, Teddy. 35 00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:56,533 JESS: Oh, my God.Hey, who's Teddy? 36 00:00:56,578 --> 00:00:58,319 Whoa, hey, man. What are you doing... ?JESS: Nick? 37 00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:00,320 Weird and gross.Sometimes I just sit in the stall 38 00:01:00,363 --> 00:01:01,756 and listen to you guys. Who's Teddy?OTHERS: Makes sense. 39 00:01:01,799 --> 00:01:03,540 What do you think he wants? You think I should 40 00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:04,890 meet him for a drink?Am I the only one 41 00:01:04,933 --> 00:01:05,804 kind of dying to know 42 00:01:05,847 --> 00:01:07,109 who this Teddy character is? 43 00:01:07,153 --> 00:01:08,242 I think I speak 44 00:01:08,284 --> 00:01:09,286 for all of us...Nick, you and Jess 45 00:01:09,329 --> 00:01:10,287 didn't work out, okay?No... 46 00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:12,289 www.MoveOn.org. 47 00:01:12,332 --> 00:01:13,289 Yeah, "ww"-- It's not about that, just... 48 00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:15,031 Chill out.Yeah, no. Thanks. 49 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,031 JESS: Fine. Look. 50 00:01:16,075 --> 00:01:17,251 Um... [sighs] 51 00:01:17,293 --> 00:01:18,903 I already regret this. 52 00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:21,558 Teddy... Teddy took my flower. 53 00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:23,126 Wow, yeah, he did.What flower? What?! 54 00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:24,996 Yeah, he stole a flower from you? 55 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,043 [chuckles]And you want to have drinks with him? 56 00:01:28,391 --> 00:01:30,001 Oh, from your wonderful secret garden. 57 00:01:30,045 --> 00:01:31,003 CECE: Ugh. 58 00:01:31,046 --> 00:01:32,222 Oh, my God.You guys 59 00:01:32,265 --> 00:01:33,353 do have to hear this story, though. 60 00:01:33,396 --> 00:01:35,051 'Cause it is the worst.No, no. 61 00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:36,270 It's the worst! It's the worst. They... 62 00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:38,228 I guarantee you it's not any more embarrassing 63 00:01:38,271 --> 00:01:40,012 than the story of me losing my virginity. 64 00:01:40,055 --> 00:01:42,623 I promise you mine's worse than all of yours. 65 00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,365 Prom night. 2000. 66 00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:46,061 What was the theme?Yeah, who cares about the theme? 67 00:01:46,105 --> 00:01:47,585 What were you wearing?I want to know the theme. 68 00:01:47,628 --> 00:01:48,759 ♪ Who's that girl? 69 00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:50,371 ♪ Who's that girl?♪ 70 00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:51,807 ♪ Who's that girl? 71 00:01:51,849 --> 00:01:53,765 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. 72 00:01:53,808 --> 00:01:56,811 JESS: It was after prom. Cece and I were both 18, 73 00:01:56,854 --> 00:01:58,596 and we'd rented a hotel room. 74 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:02,078 So... would you like to freak? 75 00:02:02,121 --> 00:02:03,600 Yes, I would. 76 00:02:03,644 --> 00:02:05,081 ["Stay " by Lisa Loeb plays] 77 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,430 ♪ So 78 00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:12,871 ♪ And I thought what I felt was simple... ♪ 79 00:02:12,914 --> 00:02:14,350 I'm gonna freak you toward the bed. 80 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:15,396 Do I have your permission? 81 00:02:15,438 --> 00:02:16,658 Yes, you do. 82 00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:19,225 ♪ And now that I am leaving 83 00:02:19,269 --> 00:02:20,401 ♪ Now I know that I... 84 00:02:20,443 --> 00:02:22,837 So, he and I were the founding members 85 00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:24,840 of the Gender Equality Society. 86 00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:28,191 Also, the only members of the Gender Equality Society. 87 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,974 We both asked each other to the prom 88 00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:32,021 in the spirit of gender equality, 89 00:02:32,063 --> 00:02:32,890 and we both said yes. 90 00:02:32,935 --> 00:02:34,110 Okay, get to it. 91 00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:35,198 No one cares.Oregon sucks. 92 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:38,549 I'm gonna take off your dress. 93 00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:39,680 Do I have your permission? 94 00:02:39,723 --> 00:02:41,335 Yup. Yup.Okay. 95 00:02:41,377 --> 00:02:43,859 ♪ I only hear what I want to Um... 96 00:02:43,901 --> 00:02:45,207 I can't find the zipper.Oh. 97 00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:46,991 Oh, there is no zipper. 98 00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:48,211 Um, I made this dress, 99 00:02:48,254 --> 00:02:49,865 and my mom sewed me in, so... 100 00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:51,605 Um, maybe I can try in the abdominal area here? 101 00:02:51,649 --> 00:02:53,042 Is that okay? Do I have your permission? 102 00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:54,783 Yes. You have my permission. 103 00:02:54,825 --> 00:02:56,001 Unwind the...Oh. 104 00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:57,829 Maybe if, um... you know, 105 00:02:57,872 --> 00:02:59,831 um, 'cause maybe you could just rip it. 106 00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:01,354 ♪ I turn the radio up... 107 00:03:01,397 --> 00:03:03,312 I... I just want to make sure you're feeling safe... 108 00:03:03,356 --> 00:03:05,271 No, no, no. I-I feel, like, so safe, 109 00:03:05,314 --> 00:03:08,144 and, like, I've never felt, like, more safe. 110 00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:09,362 Well, do I have your permission... 111 00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:11,103 Just be a man and rip it off... 112 00:03:11,146 --> 00:03:12,713 ♪ When we weep for the other 113 00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:14,455 ♪ Who was dying since the day they were born ♪ 114 00:03:14,497 --> 00:03:15,933 ♪ Well, well... 115 00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:19,241 Now I'm feeling very unsafe. 116 00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:20,373 ♪ But I'm thrown 117 00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,114 [softly]: Um... 118 00:03:22,158 --> 00:03:23,158 ♪ And I thought I'd live forever... ♪ 119 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,159 Um... 120 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,466 I think, um, I'm gonna go, 121 00:03:26,509 --> 00:03:28,947 um, get... like, I'll see if the front desk 122 00:03:28,990 --> 00:03:30,384 has a seam ripper. 123 00:03:30,426 --> 00:03:31,862 Yeah. [booing] 124 00:03:31,907 --> 00:03:32,864 Come on, Jess. 125 00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:34,343 Get to the sex part. 126 00:03:34,388 --> 00:03:35,475 If this is another story 127 00:03:35,519 --> 00:03:36,477 about sewing, I swear to God... 128 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,956 Please. I'm getting there. 129 00:03:39,783 --> 00:03:41,786 [sighs] 130 00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:50,272 YOUNG MAN: You okay? 131 00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:54,320 Yeah. 132 00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,453 JESS: Oh, man. 133 00:03:56,497 --> 00:03:59,194 He wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants. 134 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,979 People have told me I look really good in tuxedos, so... 135 00:04:01,022 --> 00:04:02,415 I don't think I've ever seen you in a tux. 136 00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:03,721 I've worn a tuxedo. [scoffs] 137 00:04:03,764 --> 00:04:05,157 Everybody has tuxedos. 138 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,158 Tuxedo is different than a suit.It is? 139 00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:08,465 Wait, didn't he have a guitar? 140 00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:10,640 Oh, my God, yes. Best part. 141 00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:13,209 BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah 142 00:04:13,252 --> 00:04:15,558 ♪ 'Cause I missed you. 143 00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:17,518 [booing] SCHMIDT: Lame. 144 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:18,910 [sighs] 145 00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:19,997 Man... 146 00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:21,216 [sighs] 147 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,435 Prom is so stupid, right? 148 00:04:22,478 --> 00:04:23,740 Yeah, and, like, 149 00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:27,136 what is "prom" short for? 150 00:04:27,178 --> 00:04:29,834 I think it's actually "promenade." 151 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,752 So, you want a man? You want a... want a man? 152 00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:37,754 Okay, there are no scissors in there, 153 00:04:37,798 --> 00:04:39,975 so I taped these two steak knives together. 154 00:04:40,018 --> 00:04:41,454 Now, do I have your permission to just... 155 00:04:41,497 --> 00:04:43,326 Oh! Aah! 156 00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:44,545 Oh, my God.[groaning] 157 00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:45,372 Uh, I have... 158 00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:47,417 to deal with this... 159 00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:49,941 [strumming "Stay" by Lisa Loeb] 160 00:04:49,985 --> 00:04:51,334 So, you mean to tell me you didn't 161 00:04:51,377 --> 00:04:53,553 lose your virginity at prom? Technically, no. 162 00:04:53,596 --> 00:04:54,380 Damn it, Jess. Technically? Technically, 163 00:04:54,423 --> 00:04:55,903 why did we listen to that 164 00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:57,340 whole story, then? There was no sex. 165 00:04:57,384 --> 00:04:58,733 Technically, this guy's the worst. 166 00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:00,211 [chuckles] Playing guitar for girls. 167 00:05:00,255 --> 00:05:01,213 Girls don't like that. That's a fact. 168 00:05:01,257 --> 00:05:02,170 [sighs] It's okay, man. 169 00:05:02,213 --> 00:05:03,172 What's okay? 170 00:05:03,214 --> 00:05:04,259 I wasn't done yet, guys. 171 00:05:04,303 --> 00:05:05,740 I was in the prologue. 172 00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:08,350 David Foster Wallace, where is the sex? 173 00:05:08,394 --> 00:05:09,744 You're in last place. 174 00:05:09,786 --> 00:05:11,353 Cece, please go. Tell your story 175 00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:13,050 of how your lost your virginity. I need a palate cleanse. 176 00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:14,052 Actually, it was the same night. 177 00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:15,139 SCHMIDT: It was prom night? 178 00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:16,403 Really? 179 00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:17,838 Who was it with? 180 00:05:17,882 --> 00:05:20,014 Study Hall Steve or Cool Car Johnny? 181 00:05:20,057 --> 00:05:21,016 [chuckling]: Oh, yeah. 182 00:05:21,059 --> 00:05:23,192 Not exactly. Not them. 183 00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:25,062 So what? I'm a virgin. 184 00:05:29,459 --> 00:05:31,199 I don't want to plan it out. 185 00:05:31,242 --> 00:05:32,461 Whatever happens, happens. 186 00:05:32,505 --> 00:05:33,768 MAN [British accent]: Oh, hello. 187 00:05:33,810 --> 00:05:37,511 I'd like to make love to you. 188 00:05:37,553 --> 00:05:39,555 [whispering]: That's Mick Jagger. 189 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,382 What?! Whoa! What? 190 00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:41,776 SCHMIDT: Game changer! 191 00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:42,733 Freaking... 192 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,432 Beatlemania! Beatlemania! 193 00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:47,042 Keep it together, Schmidt. 194 00:05:47,084 --> 00:05:48,303 Oh, my... The Beatles?! 195 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,218 He was just on tour in Portland, 196 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:50,610 and we just started talking, 197 00:05:50,653 --> 00:05:52,090 and then we started laughing... 198 00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:55,310 ♪ 199 00:06:07,017 --> 00:06:08,279 What... but I'm confused. 200 00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,586 Uh, Cece, that is not an embarrassing story. 201 00:06:10,630 --> 00:06:12,327 Yeah, I know. 202 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,807 But I just love telling it. Yeah. 203 00:06:13,850 --> 00:06:16,071 Cece, you officially move into last place. 204 00:06:16,113 --> 00:06:18,769 Boom. Moving up, worst story. 205 00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,293 Jess, you have no chance of winning. 206 00:06:21,336 --> 00:06:22,425 SCHMIDT: It was my junior year 207 00:06:22,468 --> 00:06:23,600 of college. 208 00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:25,254 I was about 200 pounds heavier. 209 00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:26,733 I got some lubricant. 210 00:06:29,170 --> 00:06:31,346 It's to use on a woman. 211 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,567 Uh... to increase her pleasure. 212 00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:42,096 Hey... is it chill if I have the room later? 213 00:06:42,139 --> 00:06:44,665 Elizabeth and I have been talking, and... 214 00:06:44,707 --> 00:06:46,797 we plan on merging tonight. 215 00:06:46,841 --> 00:06:48,103 Yeah, Schmidt! 216 00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:49,843 Penis, vagina. Penis, vagina. 217 00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:52,149 The room's all yours, cowboy. 218 00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:53,803 Yeah, I got some, uh, mushrooms, 219 00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,632 and I'm going to a Dave Matthews concert later. 220 00:06:55,675 --> 00:06:57,154 I'm a Daver. [Jess groans] 221 00:06:57,199 --> 00:06:58,808 CECE: That sucks! WINSTON: White people. 222 00:06:58,853 --> 00:07:03,161 Is this the first time you'll be making... full love? 223 00:07:03,204 --> 00:07:04,511 No way, Jose. 224 00:07:04,553 --> 00:07:07,295 Nick... back in high school, 225 00:07:07,338 --> 00:07:09,689 they used to call me... 226 00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:12,475 the Sex... the Sex Haver. 227 00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,346 That's a great nickname.But, you know, 228 00:07:14,389 --> 00:07:15,738 now that we're sitting here talking, 229 00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:17,653 would you mind having a discussion, uh, openly 230 00:07:17,697 --> 00:07:19,569 about the subject of intercourse? 231 00:07:19,612 --> 00:07:21,528 Shoot. Cool. 232 00:07:21,571 --> 00:07:23,355 Hey, does it hurt for the guys? 233 00:07:23,399 --> 00:07:25,487 Not one bit. 234 00:07:25,531 --> 00:07:27,882 If I pee while it's happening, will she die? 235 00:07:31,233 --> 00:07:34,105 How many minutes before sex is it... is it okay to eat? 236 00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:36,151 I don't think it's an exact science. 237 00:07:36,194 --> 00:07:37,718 I think it depends on your frame. 238 00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:39,980 So, I should eat right before. 239 00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:41,677 In terms of lubricant, 240 00:07:41,721 --> 00:07:44,507 do I put a small amount everywhere 241 00:07:44,550 --> 00:07:47,292 or do I use a large amount in a small... 242 00:07:47,336 --> 00:07:48,511 in a smaller area? 243 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,557 [groans] 244 00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,303 You're harshing my vibe, Schmidt. 245 00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:00,610 You're the coolest, Nick. 246 00:08:00,653 --> 00:08:02,307 You know, so I'd already taken the mushrooms. 247 00:08:02,350 --> 00:08:03,307 Obviously. And I was ready 248 00:08:03,351 --> 00:08:04,396 to go to the concert, 249 00:08:04,439 --> 00:08:05,875 when I realized that the troll 250 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,225 at the end of my bed 251 00:08:07,269 --> 00:08:08,704 was pretty upset about it. 252 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,228 I don't want any trouble. 253 00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:13,666 I think you're a remarkable creature. 254 00:08:15,581 --> 00:08:17,584 [quietly]: No. 255 00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:19,586 Oh... I feel hot in my pants. 256 00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,456 [laughs] 257 00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,415 I still don't understand why you didn't just leave. 258 00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:24,459 I've told you a million times, 259 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,939 my arm was a magnet 260 00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:27,942 and the walls were magnetic. 261 00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:29,596 What about that do you not understand? 262 00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:33,687 ♪ I submit to your demands 263 00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:37,038 ♪ I will do anything 264 00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:39,475 ♪ Girl, you need only ask... 265 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:42,783 ELIZABETH: That's a real big jar of lube, man. 266 00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:45,741 Wait, why are you rubbing it on your leg? 267 00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:47,614 No, that's my arm. 268 00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:50,442 Aah! Eyes, eyes, eyes! 269 00:08:50,485 --> 00:08:53,227 Oh, stop moving so much. You're too slippery. 270 00:08:53,270 --> 00:08:56,057 ♪ I'll make love to you when you want me to ♪ 271 00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,363 ♪ And I will not let go... 272 00:08:58,407 --> 00:08:59,451 Oh, this lube is so slippery. 273 00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:00,408 [screams][screams] 274 00:09:00,451 --> 00:09:01,671 [both grunt] 275 00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:03,586 [groaning] 276 00:09:03,629 --> 00:09:05,456 Schmidt, where are you? I can't see. 277 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,241 [whispering]: Sex. 278 00:09:07,284 --> 00:09:08,591 I-I think there's enough lube. 279 00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:10,245 I think we can do it now. 280 00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:11,245 [whispering]: All right. Get up. 281 00:09:11,288 --> 00:09:12,595 [Nick grunting] 282 00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,249 You definitely shouldn't 283 00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:15,729 be going to get more. 284 00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:18,644 ♪ I'm just gonna concentrate on you ♪ 285 00:09:18,687 --> 00:09:21,951 ♪ Girl, are you ready? 286 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,650 ♪ It's gonna be a long night 287 00:09:24,693 --> 00:09:27,217 ♪ Throw your clothes♪♪ Throw your clothes 288 00:09:27,261 --> 00:09:29,655 ♪ On the floor♪♪ On the floor 289 00:09:29,698 --> 00:09:34,616 ♪ I'm gonna take my clothes off, too... ♪ 290 00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:36,096 Schmidt?Be right there. 291 00:09:36,139 --> 00:09:38,620 I think we overdid it. 292 00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:42,494 I can't see! 293 00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:43,799 I'm right here... No! 294 00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:45,322 [grunts] Schmidt, 295 00:09:45,366 --> 00:09:46,280 I want to make love! 296 00:09:46,323 --> 00:09:47,629 [whispering]: I got to go. 297 00:09:47,673 --> 00:09:49,326 It's sex. 298 00:09:49,370 --> 00:09:51,067 I'm coming, Elizabeth! 299 00:09:51,111 --> 00:09:52,678 [laughter] 300 00:09:52,721 --> 00:09:54,028 Look, when we were dating, I was very limited 301 00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:55,725 as to what we could do sexually. 302 00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:57,509 It wasn't until the Iraqi war that I realized 303 00:09:57,552 --> 00:09:58,684 a guy could even be on top. 304 00:09:58,727 --> 00:10:00,337 But that's all different now. 305 00:10:00,381 --> 00:10:01,817 Now I have the Archduke. 306 00:10:01,861 --> 00:10:04,254 Schmidt, have you ever considered not using lube 307 00:10:04,298 --> 00:10:06,431 and some giant sex toy, and just being with her? 308 00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:08,519 Plain Jane-ing it? Yeah, okay. 309 00:10:08,563 --> 00:10:10,653 Well, I know for a fact that I can't win this thing, 310 00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,350 because my story was... 311 00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:13,524 beautiful. 312 00:10:13,568 --> 00:10:14,875 BOTH: Aw.NICK: No, your story 313 00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:16,005 was not beautiful.Nick's dad 314 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,442 took us on a business trip 315 00:10:17,485 --> 00:10:18,355 to New York, right? 316 00:10:18,399 --> 00:10:19,356 And he said that we could 317 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,793 do whatever we wanted. 318 00:10:20,836 --> 00:10:22,533 [chuckles] And we did. 319 00:10:22,577 --> 00:10:23,534 [chuckles] 320 00:10:23,578 --> 00:10:26,147 Oh, man. 321 00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:29,062 They're all on the Titanic. 322 00:10:29,105 --> 00:10:30,586 How does this movie end? [chuckles] 323 00:10:30,629 --> 00:10:32,370 I can't believe I never seen it before, man. 324 00:10:32,413 --> 00:10:33,720 It's the best. 325 00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:34,894 Your mom's the best... 326 00:10:34,937 --> 00:10:36,722 [laughing]: at having boobs. 327 00:10:36,765 --> 00:10:38,594 Shut up, stupid.I'm just kidding, man. 328 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,769 [giggles] [chuckles] 329 00:10:40,813 --> 00:10:41,815 NICK: Don't. Don't.Hey. 330 00:10:41,857 --> 00:10:43,033 I didn't bring you two dummies 331 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:45,340 all the way to New York so you can 332 00:10:45,383 --> 00:10:47,558 park your cans on the couch, watch TV 333 00:10:47,602 --> 00:10:49,386 and flick each other's Bics. 334 00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,128 Hey, Dad, last night, somebody broke in 335 00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,563 and ordered a pornographic movie, 336 00:10:52,607 --> 00:10:54,870 so there's a mistake on the bill. 337 00:10:54,914 --> 00:10:57,481 [both chuckling]Yeah, okay, you can tell that to the Marines. 338 00:10:57,525 --> 00:11:00,921 Meanwhile... I have a little surprise for you boys. 339 00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:03,575 Oh, cool. Ladies? 340 00:11:10,669 --> 00:11:12,802 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 341 00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:15,196 no, no, no, no, no. 342 00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:17,720 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 343 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,860 Wait, what? You lost your virginity to prostitutes? 344 00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:28,904 No, they were businesswomen. 345 00:11:28,948 --> 00:11:32,125 Who could dance sexy.Winston, 100% they were prostitutes. 346 00:11:32,168 --> 00:11:33,213 Dude, no. 347 00:11:33,256 --> 00:11:34,389 Ladies, ladies, ladies. 348 00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:36,346 We work in the finance markets. 349 00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:39,350 I'm Mysteria. This is Octopussy. 350 00:11:39,394 --> 00:11:41,091 Your name's Octopussy? 351 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,527 Absolutely. 352 00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:44,442 Thank you, guys, for coming. 353 00:11:44,485 --> 00:11:47,357 We're very wealthy. 354 00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:48,794 [both laughing] 355 00:11:48,837 --> 00:11:50,534 Winston, listen to their names. 356 00:11:50,578 --> 00:11:52,668 They sound like pros.She was a nurse. 357 00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:53,974 Dude, her nurse hat was in her purse. 358 00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:55,105 Would you listen to yourself?! 359 00:11:55,149 --> 00:11:56,149 ♪ 360 00:11:56,192 --> 00:11:58,413 Uh-huh. 361 00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:01,764 Honey, why are you sweating so much? 362 00:12:01,807 --> 00:12:03,461 You should drink something. 363 00:12:03,504 --> 00:12:05,245 Thank you for the offer, Ms. Octopussy, 364 00:12:05,288 --> 00:12:07,900 but I-I don't drink. I prefer to be drunk on life. 365 00:12:07,943 --> 00:12:09,772 Hold that for me? 366 00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,687 Sure. Thank you. 367 00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:16,865 Perhaps I'll try some. 368 00:12:18,475 --> 00:12:20,913 ♪ So she told me to come over and I took that trip ♪ 369 00:12:20,956 --> 00:12:22,697 ♪ And then she pulled out... 370 00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:24,961 Very interesting. 371 00:12:25,004 --> 00:12:28,008 Uh, uh, uh. Mmm, mmm, mmm. 372 00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:31,272 I'm gonna do it to you.You're gonna do what to me? 373 00:12:31,315 --> 00:12:33,840 [crying]: I don't know. 374 00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:35,928 Are you crying? 375 00:12:35,971 --> 00:12:38,888 Please, excuse me, but I had to lay off 376 00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:41,629 a lot of really good men today at work. 377 00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:43,674 What's wrong with your friend?He's a virgin. 378 00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:45,154 Aren't you a virgin, too? 379 00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:47,157 Just my penis, baby. 380 00:12:47,201 --> 00:12:49,812 Just my penis. 381 00:12:49,855 --> 00:12:52,640 WINSTON: So Mysteria and I made love that night. 382 00:12:52,683 --> 00:12:55,991 For ten beautiful seconds. 383 00:12:56,036 --> 00:12:59,517 So, what do you do for a living? [snickers] 384 00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:00,692 Nick, I can't believe 385 00:13:00,735 --> 00:13:02,869 you lost your virginity to Octopussy. 386 00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:04,392 I couldn't go through with it. 387 00:13:04,434 --> 00:13:05,740 It's 'cause the boy had no game. 388 00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:07,003 He couldn't close. 389 00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,004 Okay, you don't need game. 390 00:13:09,048 --> 00:13:10,919 They were prostitutes. My dad told me. 391 00:13:10,964 --> 00:13:12,835 Pop-Pop told you? When? 392 00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,532 Nicky, you here? 393 00:13:14,576 --> 00:13:16,056 Yeah, I'm here, Dad. 394 00:13:16,099 --> 00:13:17,534 What are you doing? 395 00:13:22,539 --> 00:13:24,019 If I'm being totally honest, 396 00:13:24,063 --> 00:13:26,674 I've had some alcoholic beverages tonight. 397 00:13:26,717 --> 00:13:29,111 Well, to be totally honest with you, so have I. 398 00:13:29,155 --> 00:13:31,461 How do you think I got through Annie? 399 00:13:31,505 --> 00:13:34,073 Geez, that was rough. 400 00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:37,076 What happened here? 401 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,469 I'm sorry, Dad. 402 00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:40,471 I couldn't make love to Ms. Octopussy tonight. 403 00:13:40,514 --> 00:13:43,474 It's too dangerous, and I was afraid the FBI 404 00:13:43,518 --> 00:13:46,433 was gonna track me down or a paper trail. 405 00:13:46,476 --> 00:13:49,915 You think too much. You think too much about everything. 406 00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:54,049 When I was your age, my dad got a girl for me, too. 407 00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:57,226 I mean, this is almost a Miller family tradition. 408 00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,229 You should have seen her boobs. 409 00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:00,708 They were great. 410 00:14:00,751 --> 00:14:03,058 Real pointy, just like I like 'em. 411 00:14:03,102 --> 00:14:04,755 Gross. 412 00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:08,499 Listen, Nicky, 413 00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:11,546 you don't have to do anything 414 00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:13,940 that you don't want to do. 415 00:14:13,982 --> 00:14:16,768 I just want to make sure that you don't miss out 416 00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:18,945 on the things in life that are happening 417 00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:20,336 when you're not thinking. 418 00:14:21,556 --> 00:14:23,166 Because, believe you me, 419 00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:26,299 those are the best things in life. 420 00:14:27,431 --> 00:14:29,129 I think I really like drinking. 421 00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:30,782 Well, that's great. That's wonderful. That's good. 422 00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,349 That's a great start.It's really fun. 423 00:14:32,393 --> 00:14:34,350 It makes me feel good. Good. 424 00:14:34,394 --> 00:14:36,962 [chuckles] Uh... 425 00:14:37,005 --> 00:14:39,966 Don't tell Winston about the girls. 426 00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:42,316 You know, that they're... pros. 427 00:14:42,359 --> 00:14:45,014 Yeah, I won't.I don't want to break his heart, you know? 428 00:14:45,057 --> 00:14:47,929 Okay.I mean, you can tell him, but just... wait, you know? 429 00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:49,801 Maybe after I'm gone. 430 00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:51,977 I'll tell him when you're dead. 431 00:14:52,020 --> 00:14:53,980 So it's time you should know. 432 00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:55,850 Mysteria...On the bright side, 433 00:14:55,894 --> 00:14:58,288 looks like you won the contest. 434 00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:00,551 Actually...Jess, look at him. Let him have this. 435 00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:02,770 Yeah, I'm sorry, Winston. I just can't let you win this. 436 00:15:02,813 --> 00:15:05,947 My story... involves... 437 00:15:05,991 --> 00:15:07,644 murder. 438 00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,169 [laughs] 439 00:15:11,822 --> 00:15:14,826 Was Mysteria even her real name? 440 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,001 No. 441 00:15:20,222 --> 00:15:21,615 I'd just moved to L.A. to be with Cece, and we went 442 00:15:21,658 --> 00:15:25,053 out to some bar. Do you remember where that was?No. 443 00:15:25,097 --> 00:15:27,621 How did I get this far without having sex? 444 00:15:27,664 --> 00:15:29,624 In three years, I'm gonna be 25. 445 00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:32,192 I can't rent my first car as a virgin. 446 00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:33,279 They'll know. 447 00:15:33,322 --> 00:15:35,412 Okay. What about those guys over there? 448 00:15:35,456 --> 00:15:37,674 Mega beer!Party! 449 00:15:37,719 --> 00:15:39,677 Pour beer at the same time.Yeah! 450 00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:41,201 They are definitely single. 451 00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:42,854 Yeah! 452 00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:44,682 I mean, kill me. 453 00:15:46,857 --> 00:15:47,729 Oh, my God. 454 00:15:47,772 --> 00:15:49,600 It was the guy from prom night. 455 00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:51,037 It was fate. 456 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,864 Want to get out of here? 457 00:15:52,908 --> 00:15:55,215 [chuckles] Like, to do it? 458 00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,913 [chuckles] Yeah. I'd be down with that. 459 00:15:57,956 --> 00:16:00,784 Yes.Um, but I'm kind of living out of my car right now. 460 00:16:00,828 --> 00:16:02,264 Damn it. Yeah. 461 00:16:02,308 --> 00:16:03,875 And I'm sleeping on my friend's couch. 462 00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:10,186 Do you like DVDs? 463 00:16:13,841 --> 00:16:15,844 Do you sell cookies? 464 00:16:18,933 --> 00:16:20,717 I have an idea. 465 00:16:20,761 --> 00:16:22,807 [kissing sounds] 466 00:16:22,850 --> 00:16:26,288 Hey, uh, I'm kind of on a lot of antidepressants right now, 467 00:16:26,332 --> 00:16:28,899 so this may kind of take a while. 468 00:16:28,943 --> 00:16:32,469 The only antidepressants you need are in my pants. 469 00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:34,731 Uh, it's really a medical issue. 470 00:16:34,775 --> 00:16:36,734 I'm so sorry. That was really uncool. 471 00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,909 And... take as much time as you need. 472 00:16:38,953 --> 00:16:41,913 So, two hours later... still nothing. 473 00:16:41,956 --> 00:16:45,091 It was like a wind sock on a windless day. 474 00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,528 Give me an update, brother. How's your wang? 475 00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:48,919 [crying] Do you have, like, an... 476 00:16:48,963 --> 00:16:50,486 Is there, like, an angle you could... 477 00:16:50,530 --> 00:16:52,533 Like... I mean... 478 00:16:52,576 --> 00:16:55,057 It's just... it's so much easier when it's, like, in the shower, 479 00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:57,754 you know, and you're by yourself and you don't...Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 480 00:16:57,798 --> 00:17:00,279 And there's no one with you.Well, what can I do to help? Listen, 481 00:17:00,322 --> 00:17:02,977 why don't we try our luck on the other side of the castle, okay? 482 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,285 [muffled grunting]JESS: Oh, my God! 483 00:17:05,327 --> 00:17:07,548 [groans] We're stuck. 484 00:17:07,590 --> 00:17:10,246 MAN: Hey, uh, don't really know why, but... 485 00:17:10,289 --> 00:17:12,465 ready now. 486 00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:14,076 NICK: Okay, getting worse. SCHMIDT: We were promised murder. 487 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:15,250 CECE: She's not done. 488 00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:18,428 Hey... 489 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:20,865 hey, kids. Could one of you go get a grown-up? 490 00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:22,866 We're doing some grown-up things over here. 491 00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:24,217 MAN: Happy birth... 492 00:17:24,259 --> 00:17:26,087 BOTH: Happy birthday. 493 00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,872 [siren wails, fire truck horn blasts] 494 00:17:27,915 --> 00:17:30,179 Sir, um, we tried to make love 495 00:17:30,222 --> 00:17:33,661 on the bench, but, uh, there was a man there. 496 00:17:33,703 --> 00:17:36,794 Oh, he's still there. He must have been very tired. 497 00:17:36,837 --> 00:17:38,970 He slept through all those sirens. 498 00:17:39,013 --> 00:17:40,884 This man's dead.What?! 499 00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:44,105 Oh, my God! Oh, my God![sobbing]: I'm stuck! 500 00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:46,281 Officer, I... it was very dark, 501 00:17:46,326 --> 00:17:48,501 and I did not see the knife. 502 00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:50,199 There's so much death in the world. 503 00:17:50,242 --> 00:17:52,157 Seriously, dude, take your pills! I'm sick of you. 504 00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:53,768 I'm sick of you!I'm sick of you! 505 00:17:53,810 --> 00:17:54,769 MAN: Important reminder... 506 00:17:54,811 --> 00:17:56,770 don't move. 507 00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:59,338 [sobbing]: I think I might be gay! 508 00:17:59,382 --> 00:18:00,601 Yeah. 509 00:18:00,644 --> 00:18:02,993 [sobbing]: Oh, my God. 510 00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:05,779 Teddy's gay? I knew it. Yes. 511 00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:06,824 That wasn't Teddy. 512 00:18:06,867 --> 00:18:08,957 That was Teddy. 513 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,827 NICK: What? 514 00:18:10,872 --> 00:18:13,308 ♪ You try to give away a keeper or keep me ♪ 515 00:18:13,353 --> 00:18:17,748 ♪ 'Cause you know you're just so scared to lose ♪ 516 00:18:17,791 --> 00:18:20,316 ♪ And you say... 517 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:22,144 I'm Teddy. 518 00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:23,624 Teddy Sherman. 519 00:18:23,666 --> 00:18:25,582 ♪ Stay... 520 00:18:25,625 --> 00:18:28,150 Take me home, Teddy. 521 00:18:28,193 --> 00:18:30,369 Take me home. 522 00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,807 [engine revving] 523 00:18:32,849 --> 00:18:35,592 [groans] I'm sick of firemen always winning. 524 00:18:35,635 --> 00:18:37,855 Well, you know, I'd just waited so long, 525 00:18:37,898 --> 00:18:39,335 and Teddy took me by surprise. 526 00:18:39,378 --> 00:18:40,815 It was the heat of the moment. 527 00:18:40,857 --> 00:18:42,337 I didn't have to think about it. 528 00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:44,384 SCHMIDT: Well, who wins? I-I need a winner. 529 00:18:44,426 --> 00:18:46,080 I think we're all losers. 530 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,647 Are you kidding me, Jess? 531 00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:50,215 You had passionate sex with a fireman, all right? 532 00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:52,392 I had sex with a hooker. 533 00:18:52,434 --> 00:18:55,089 Well, I mean, unless... Are you guys sure she was a hooker? 534 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,396 [overlapping chatter]NICK: Jess, wait. 535 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,875 So, is he, like, the kind 536 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,182 of fireman that hangs back and takes care of the dog? 537 00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:04,838 No, he, like, straight up fought fires. 538 00:19:04,882 --> 00:19:06,884 That's awful to hear.You know, 539 00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:08,582 you never actually told me how you lost yours. 540 00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:10,539 Alison Daniels. 541 00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:13,107 On a towel in the woods. 542 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,805 I cried. 543 00:19:14,848 --> 00:19:16,807 She kept her bra on. 544 00:19:16,851 --> 00:19:18,243 It was nice. 545 00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:21,421 [cell phone chimes] 546 00:19:21,463 --> 00:19:24,075 Oh. 547 00:19:24,118 --> 00:19:25,250 I have to go meet Teddy. 548 00:19:25,294 --> 00:19:27,383 I should go. 549 00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:31,170 What do you think? 550 00:19:41,832 --> 00:19:43,224 [elevator bell dings] 551 00:19:45,183 --> 00:19:47,924 ♪ 552 00:19:49,099 --> 00:19:50,363 What are you doing? [gasps] 553 00:19:50,405 --> 00:19:53,060 Let's not think about it. 554 00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:55,890 I've got three hours till the red-eye. 555 00:19:55,932 --> 00:19:57,934 Let's do this.Um... 556 00:19:57,979 --> 00:20:00,111 Babe, you know I don't do well under pressure. 557 00:20:00,154 --> 00:20:02,156 Well, just distract yourself. Um... 558 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,854 here, turn on the TV. 559 00:20:03,897 --> 00:20:07,030 ♪ I've been trying to hide, we held our breath ♪ 560 00:20:07,075 --> 00:20:10,773 ♪ To see our names are written... ♪ 561 00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:15,257 Look, we're gonna be married in, like, two days. 562 00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:19,130 Should we maybe, you know, try it once? 563 00:20:19,173 --> 00:20:20,435 Not yet. 564 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,089 [chuckles] 565 00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:24,309 ♪ Yes, since we found out 566 00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:26,921 ♪ Since we found out 567 00:20:26,963 --> 00:20:29,140 ♪ That anything could happen 568 00:20:29,183 --> 00:20:31,359 ♪ Anything could happen 569 00:20:31,403 --> 00:20:33,623 ♪ Anything could happen ♪ 570 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:36,059 ♪ Anything could happen 571 00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:38,148 ♪ Anything could happen ♪ 572 00:20:38,192 --> 00:20:40,239 ♪ Anything could... 573 00:20:43,763 --> 00:20:45,287 What is that? 574 00:20:47,028 --> 00:20:50,988 It's a super intense German personal power massager. 575 00:20:51,031 --> 00:20:54,164 But I don't think we need it. 576 00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:56,471 Hey. You know... 577 00:20:56,516 --> 00:20:57,907 since you... 578 00:20:57,951 --> 00:21:00,780 came all this way with that box... 579 00:21:02,957 --> 00:21:05,741 We'll have to take the batteries out of the smoke detector. 580 00:21:07,134 --> 00:21:10,398 [panting] 581 00:21:10,442 --> 00:21:12,836 [sighs, chuckles] 582 00:21:16,012 --> 00:21:18,451 [sighs] 583 00:21:18,493 --> 00:21:21,192 [chuckles] 584 00:21:37,077 --> 00:21:39,166 BOTH [laughing]: Oh, boy. 585 00:21:39,210 --> 00:21:40,167 JESS [à la Scooby-Doo]: Ruh-roh.