1 00:00:06,179 --> 00:00:08,051 WINSTON: Watching TV-- cool. 2 00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:10,009 Cool. 3 00:00:11,968 --> 00:00:13,055 [sighs] 4 00:00:13,099 --> 00:00:15,189 NICK: Where do you think you're going? 5 00:00:15,231 --> 00:00:17,452 That charger belongs to all of us. 6 00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:18,757 Nowhere. JESS: Oh, really? 7 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,149 Because it looks like you're going 8 00:00:20,193 --> 00:00:21,455 to your room to charge 9 00:00:21,498 --> 00:00:23,196 when it's not your turn. 10 00:00:23,239 --> 00:00:24,719 You know the rules, dumb-dumb. 11 00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:26,852 Charger stays in a neutral room. 12 00:00:26,896 --> 00:00:28,202 Why do we only have one charger anyway? 13 00:00:28,245 --> 00:00:30,246 It was supposed to bring us closer together. 14 00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:31,204 Hey, look, another charger. 15 00:00:31,248 --> 00:00:33,119 Take him! Get him! Get down! 16 00:00:33,162 --> 00:00:34,250 You guys get him started, 17 00:00:34,295 --> 00:00:37,124 I'll finish him off.[all yelling] 18 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:40,256 Just... so many dude butts.Watch my face, man. That's my face. 19 00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:42,259 Watch my face. Hey, that's the moneymaker. 20 00:00:42,302 --> 00:00:44,261 No, I'm gonna stop him, I'm gonna stop... 21 00:00:44,304 --> 00:00:46,133 Get... No!You are terrible at this. 22 00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:48,482 SCHMIDT: Oh, you can't outrun the Jewish. 23 00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:51,963 That was stupid. 24 00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:53,314 They are such idiots. 25 00:00:53,356 --> 00:00:55,097 I don't know why I do this. 26 00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:56,273 The charger doesn't even fit on my phone. 27 00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,145 I have, like, six chargers in my room. 28 00:00:58,188 --> 00:01:00,234 I just do this for fun. 29 00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:02,149 [laughing]: It's funny. 30 00:01:05,194 --> 00:01:07,197 Well, here we are by ourselves. 31 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,286 What should we do? 32 00:01:09,329 --> 00:01:10,504 Uh, definitely not make out. 33 00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:11,766 Definitely not. 34 00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:13,769 [both laughing] 35 00:01:21,298 --> 00:01:23,474 Your hand's on my boob. 36 00:01:23,518 --> 00:01:25,128 Yeah. 37 00:01:25,171 --> 00:01:27,129 And it's weird. 38 00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,045 Maybe it's less weird because I know 39 00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:30,307 that it's weird-- I'm calling it out. 40 00:01:30,350 --> 00:01:31,960 Doesn't make it less weird. 41 00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:34,223 Right on.So you're an upper-boob guy. 42 00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:35,485 That's the most underrated part of the boob. 43 00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:36,792 It's what I've always said. 44 00:01:36,835 --> 00:01:38,271 Can I ask you a question? 45 00:01:38,314 --> 00:01:41,275 Please.What's going on here? 46 00:01:41,317 --> 00:01:43,189 Yeah.What are we...? 47 00:01:43,233 --> 00:01:44,191 We, us?What are we doing? Yeah. 48 00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:45,582 We are roommates, 49 00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:47,194 who have made out a couple of times, 50 00:01:47,236 --> 00:01:48,978 and are attracted to each other. 51 00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:50,326 Mm-hmm.And really good friends. 52 00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:51,719 Yeah.And sometimes 53 00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:54,331 genuinely kind of hate each other. 54 00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:56,027 And sometimes... 55 00:01:56,072 --> 00:01:59,206 touch each other's boobs. 56 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,168 Little bit better...Not helping. 57 00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:06,516 little bit worse? Yeah. 58 00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:08,258 ♪ Who's that girl? 59 00:02:08,301 --> 00:02:10,347 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. 60 00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:14,611 [whistles] 61 00:02:15,699 --> 00:02:18,224 Would you describe this as a sexual act? 62 00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:20,401 I would describe that as the pledge of allegiance, 63 00:02:20,443 --> 00:02:22,054 which can be sexual. Why? 64 00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:24,230 Because this is what I got from Nick. 65 00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:25,275 Just out of the blue. 66 00:02:25,318 --> 00:02:26,319 No reason. 67 00:02:26,362 --> 00:02:27,669 Our relationship's so confusing. 68 00:02:27,711 --> 00:02:30,193 But this is Nick we're talking about. 69 00:02:30,236 --> 00:02:32,239 He's never gonna tell me how he feels. 70 00:02:32,281 --> 00:02:33,456 It's always gonna be weird. 71 00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,372 And I have to stop expecting for it to... 72 00:02:35,415 --> 00:02:36,852 change. What? 73 00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:38,331 You realize your hand is still on your boob, right? 74 00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:40,203 I can't explain it, it's... 75 00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,466 it's, like, really calming me down. 76 00:02:42,509 --> 00:02:46,295 I mean, the sexual tension has been off the charts. 77 00:02:46,340 --> 00:02:48,079 It's like the Wild West. 78 00:02:48,123 --> 00:02:49,820 No laws. 79 00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,388 Whiskey for a nickel. 80 00:02:51,432 --> 00:02:53,216 Whores caked in mud. 81 00:02:53,259 --> 00:02:54,783 I don't know what to do. 82 00:02:54,825 --> 00:02:57,219 You're always there when I need you, Tran. 83 00:02:57,264 --> 00:02:59,353 Thank you. 84 00:02:59,396 --> 00:03:01,311 [laughs] I'm glad you got no life. 85 00:03:01,354 --> 00:03:02,312 [laughing] 86 00:03:02,355 --> 00:03:05,228 I'm joking. Would you settle down? 87 00:03:05,271 --> 00:03:07,274 My father just died. 88 00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:09,057 I don't know, life's short, huh? 89 00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:11,407 It just kind of... 90 00:03:11,451 --> 00:03:13,323 I got to start doing things, Tran. 91 00:03:13,366 --> 00:03:15,368 Making moves, grown-up moves. 92 00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:16,848 I don't know, I want things. 93 00:03:16,891 --> 00:03:18,240 I want to, like, mow a lawn, 94 00:03:18,284 --> 00:03:20,329 you know, my lawn, in dark socks. 95 00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:24,290 What's my move with Jess? 96 00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:25,596 What would you do? 97 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:29,338 Of course you would, you dirty dog. [laughs] 98 00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:33,430 Well, in reality, Tran, 99 00:03:33,473 --> 00:03:35,736 what would do if you were me? 100 00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:39,262 A date? 101 00:03:39,305 --> 00:03:41,307 What if that's not what she wants? 102 00:03:41,350 --> 00:03:42,873 What if she... Oh! 103 00:03:42,918 --> 00:03:44,701 What if she...? [laughs] 104 00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:46,442 All right, you're right-- no second-guessing. 105 00:03:46,486 --> 00:03:48,271 I got to be confident, I've got to be clear. 106 00:03:48,314 --> 00:03:49,620 Women like that. 107 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,491 All right, I just got to say... 108 00:03:51,534 --> 00:03:54,756 Jessica, 109 00:03:54,799 --> 00:03:56,844 you are a beautiful woman, 110 00:03:56,888 --> 00:04:01,457 and my life has not been the same since I met you. 111 00:04:02,372 --> 00:04:03,938 And it would mean the world to me 112 00:04:03,981 --> 00:04:05,723 if you would, uh... 113 00:04:05,766 --> 00:04:07,463 go on a date with me. 114 00:04:12,338 --> 00:04:13,383 Hey, Nick. 115 00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:16,298 Jess... 116 00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,692 ...ica. 117 00:04:18,735 --> 00:04:22,173 Dirty J, Dr. Day, my toilet sister. 118 00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:24,264 If so, food. 119 00:04:26,526 --> 00:04:27,396 You want to get food later? 120 00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,533 I'm gonna get dressed now. 121 00:04:35,404 --> 00:04:36,536 Okay, bye. 122 00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:40,975 Did you put the charger in the bathroom? 123 00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:42,237 The most neutral room in the loft.Yeah, well, 124 00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:43,543 I moved it to the kitchen.The kitchen? 125 00:04:43,586 --> 00:04:45,372 Hey, guys.Nick, what's more neutral? 126 00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:48,461 The awesome bathroom or the stupid, stupid kitchen? 127 00:04:48,504 --> 00:04:50,507 I have a lot of thoughts on this, but first, Schmidt, 128 00:04:50,550 --> 00:04:52,552 I have a favor. 129 00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:54,468 It's about my clothes.Burn them, burn them all. 130 00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:56,382 No, no, no, no, no, I have a date tonight, 131 00:04:56,425 --> 00:04:58,384 and, you know, there's a lot of women who sleep with you, 132 00:04:58,427 --> 00:04:59,776 and I can't figure out why, so maybe it's 133 00:04:59,821 --> 00:05:01,343 about clothes, and maybe...Are you asking me 134 00:05:01,387 --> 00:05:03,389 if I'll help you pick out clothing 135 00:05:03,432 --> 00:05:05,478 so you can seduce a woman?I was. 136 00:05:05,521 --> 00:05:07,218 I don't know. It's only all I've been wanting 137 00:05:07,262 --> 00:05:09,439 for the past ten years, Nick. 138 00:05:10,613 --> 00:05:13,574 Yes, that is how you wrap a son of a bitch in wool. 139 00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:15,226 Now, if somebody asks you who you're wearing tonight, 140 00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:16,490 what do you say?I don't want to do that. 141 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,492 Do it, bro.I don't want to do that. 142 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:21,581 Do it. 143 00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:23,540 I'm wearing Schmidt. Yeah.Yeah, you are. 144 00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:25,586 And neckscape by Winston. 145 00:05:25,629 --> 00:05:28,545 Oh... whoa, who is that handsome devil? 146 00:05:28,588 --> 00:05:30,199 Okay, now, here's some things you want to hide about yourself 147 00:05:30,242 --> 00:05:31,548 on tonight's date, okay?Definitely, yeah. 148 00:05:31,591 --> 00:05:33,201 That you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, 149 00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:34,507 you're broke and you have a problem with anger. 150 00:05:34,550 --> 00:05:36,161 Your car is horrible. 151 00:05:36,204 --> 00:05:37,379 So go ahead and take 152 00:05:37,423 --> 00:05:39,425 my new Foscapay. 153 00:05:39,468 --> 00:05:41,514 What's a Foscapay? 154 00:05:41,557 --> 00:05:42,603 Uh, Ford Escape. 155 00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:44,560 I'm still work-shopping nicknames. 156 00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:46,606 By the way, who's the girl?Who's the girl? 157 00:05:46,649 --> 00:05:48,086 Who's the girl? Yeah.Uh, what's her name? 158 00:05:48,129 --> 00:05:49,523 It's, uh, yeah, it's, uh... 159 00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,872 Her name is, uh, obviously Yolanda. 160 00:05:51,915 --> 00:05:53,048 Uh... 161 00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:56,137 her last name is Winston. 162 00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:58,574 I should go. 163 00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:00,533 Oh, I love Latino girls. 164 00:06:00,576 --> 00:06:01,535 Yolanda Winston. 165 00:06:01,577 --> 00:06:03,187 Schmidt, that's a fake name. 166 00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,321 Yeah, but why would he lie about... 167 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,583 Oh, my God. 168 00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:08,541 Jess...Nick is a male escort. 169 00:06:08,584 --> 00:06:10,805 Probably not a... 170 00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:12,283 Jess, man. Yeah. 171 00:06:12,327 --> 00:06:13,589 Do you realize what it means 172 00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:15,548 if Jess and Nick become a couple? 173 00:06:15,591 --> 00:06:17,420 Nick is our glue, man. You know, without him, 174 00:06:17,463 --> 00:06:18,639 it just doesn't work-- it never has. 175 00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:21,206 See what I mean? He's awesome, man. 176 00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,338 This is my, one of my best friends, too. 177 00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:24,471 I'm gonna use the bathroom. 178 00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:34,394 [weakly]: Nick... 179 00:06:35,959 --> 00:06:37,613 Nick... 180 00:06:37,658 --> 00:06:40,095 All of our stories start and end with Nick. 181 00:06:40,137 --> 00:06:41,836 What if Nick decides he's gonna leave us? 182 00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,098 Well, you know what we have to do, right? 183 00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:45,100 We're gonna track Jess down 184 00:06:45,143 --> 00:06:47,319 and kill her with this knife.We have to sabotage the date. 185 00:06:47,362 --> 00:06:49,408 Or we do your thing. 186 00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:52,454 Let's do your thing. 187 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,808 Hey, Jess.Hey. 188 00:06:58,853 --> 00:07:00,593 What are you doing over there by the hot dogs? 189 00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:01,855 You gave me the address, I just assumed 190 00:07:01,899 --> 00:07:02,899 we were eating at the hot dog stand. 191 00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:04,466 No...Why are you wearing a suit? 192 00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:06,555 Did you just apply for a loan or something? 193 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,124 No, I'm, uh... 194 00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:12,649 I'm wearing Schmidt. 195 00:07:12,692 --> 00:07:13,519 You're wear... you're wearing what? 196 00:07:13,562 --> 00:07:14,694 I'm wearing Schmidt, uh... 197 00:07:14,737 --> 00:07:16,043 Winston shaved my face. 198 00:07:16,086 --> 00:07:18,567 [laughs] Weird. 199 00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:20,004 Well, come on, let's get some dinner. 200 00:07:20,048 --> 00:07:22,528 Come on, I got a reservation. Come on.[siren chirps] 201 00:07:22,572 --> 00:07:24,531 What? 202 00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:26,663 Hi, there, sir. Afraid, uh, 203 00:07:26,706 --> 00:07:28,925 you apparently didn't see the crosswalk was over there. 204 00:07:28,970 --> 00:07:30,492 Oh, let's not sweat the small stuff, Officer. 205 00:07:30,536 --> 00:07:31,886 I'm walking across the street. 206 00:07:31,928 --> 00:07:33,713 Afraid I'm gonna have to write you up for jaywalking. 207 00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,497 Stay calm, make tiny fists with your toes. 208 00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:36,586 I'm really sorry about this. 209 00:07:36,629 --> 00:07:38,545 Jess, I'm not upset. This man is merely 210 00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:40,415 doing his job. You were right, I was wrong. 211 00:07:40,459 --> 00:07:41,634 Here you go, sir.Thank you, Officer. 212 00:07:41,677 --> 00:07:43,853 $340?! 213 00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:45,334 Yeah, I know it's a lot. 214 00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,161 They raised it last year, I think. 215 00:07:47,204 --> 00:07:48,728 Have a good night, ma'am. 216 00:07:48,771 --> 00:07:50,730 All right, just scram. [laughs]You too, sir. 217 00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:52,167 Dinner? 218 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,691 Okay. Okay. 219 00:07:56,562 --> 00:07:58,694 After you.Thank you. 220 00:07:58,738 --> 00:07:59,696 Okay. 221 00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:01,045 Very lovely. 222 00:08:04,178 --> 00:08:05,658 What an establishment. 223 00:08:05,701 --> 00:08:06,747 It's my favorite in the city. 224 00:08:07,747 --> 00:08:09,619 Right on time. 225 00:08:09,663 --> 00:08:11,012 Oh... 226 00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:13,536 Keep it coming. 227 00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,713 Hey, Nick, can I ask you a question? 228 00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:17,713 What's on your mind? 229 00:08:17,757 --> 00:08:19,454 Well, I'm just asking if... 230 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,716 if this is a date. 231 00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:24,807 What do you mean, "Is this a date?" 232 00:08:24,851 --> 00:08:26,766 I'm just... I'm asking you if this is a date. 233 00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:29,552 It seems like a date. 234 00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,726 You've been thinking it's 235 00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:32,554 a date this whole time? 236 00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:34,644 I'm just asking you.How embarrassing for you. 237 00:08:34,687 --> 00:08:36,471 No, for me, it's just hanging out in a suit, 238 00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:37,559 getting champagne with my friend. 239 00:08:39,213 --> 00:08:41,738 [grunts] I think we're ready to order. 240 00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,434 I have an idea-- I'm gonna have the bartender 241 00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:45,220 send over two tropical cocktails. 242 00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:46,961 Jess will be all, "Why, thank you." 243 00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:49,267 Nick will be all, "Grandpa didn't get a face full 244 00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:52,575 of Japanese bullets just so you could drink a melted popsicle." 245 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:53,793 Or... 246 00:08:53,836 --> 00:08:54,707 we could break into a zoo, 247 00:08:54,750 --> 00:08:57,014 steal a bear, 248 00:08:57,057 --> 00:09:00,495 then we shoot that bear full of hep C, and then we release 249 00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:03,063 that bear in the restaurant right when they order dessert. 250 00:09:03,106 --> 00:09:04,760 Winston, you're terrible at pranks. I get that. 251 00:09:04,804 --> 00:09:07,197 You don't think just a bear alone in a restaurant is enough? 252 00:09:07,241 --> 00:09:08,591 You know who would know what to do? 253 00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:09,591 I do know who would know what to do. 254 00:09:09,635 --> 00:09:11,594 Nick. Nick. 255 00:09:12,421 --> 00:09:14,509 We can't call him, right? 256 00:09:14,553 --> 00:09:16,120 [cell phone ringing] 257 00:09:17,774 --> 00:09:19,775 Ooh. 258 00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:22,474 They have, uh, Brussels sprouts with pancetta. 259 00:09:22,518 --> 00:09:23,953 That's a fancy name for bacon. 260 00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:26,260 Hold the Brussels sprouts. Am I right? 261 00:09:26,303 --> 00:09:28,784 Everybody loves bacon, Jess-- new topic. 262 00:09:28,828 --> 00:09:31,221 You know, um... 263 00:09:31,265 --> 00:09:32,701 if this were a date... 264 00:09:32,745 --> 00:09:33,789 Yeah, but it wasn't, Jess... 265 00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:34,661 But, I mean, if it were... 266 00:09:34,703 --> 00:09:35,662 It wasn't a... 267 00:09:35,705 --> 00:09:37,272 And it's probably good 268 00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:38,794 because your ex-boyfriend just 269 00:09:38,838 --> 00:09:40,230 walked into the restaurant. 270 00:09:40,274 --> 00:09:42,320 Who?The only man we both loved. 271 00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:43,625 Russell. 272 00:09:43,669 --> 00:09:44,801 Hey. Hi. 273 00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:47,629 Hi, so this is why you dumped me, huh? 274 00:09:47,673 --> 00:09:48,849 Oh, well... No... 275 00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:50,067 Just kidding. I'm glad to see 276 00:09:50,110 --> 00:09:51,807 this is finally happening. 277 00:09:51,851 --> 00:09:53,767 Nothing's happening, so...Nothing's happening 278 00:09:53,809 --> 00:09:55,682 because I was never told it was happening, 279 00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:58,206 so if a happening happens and you don't know that it happened, 280 00:09:58,249 --> 00:09:59,250 did it happen, you know? 281 00:09:59,293 --> 00:10:00,250 RUSSELL: Right on. 282 00:10:00,294 --> 00:10:03,124 Um, hey, enjoy my lucky table. 283 00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:05,081 I'm Brandy. 284 00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:08,912 Okay. 285 00:10:11,827 --> 00:10:13,830 You know what? 286 00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:16,832 Can we just forget about this date, 287 00:10:16,876 --> 00:10:19,269 or not-date, and... 288 00:10:19,313 --> 00:10:20,706 maybe start over 289 00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:22,838 and go get a drink at the bar as friends? 290 00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:23,840 Drinking to forget? 291 00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:25,450 That's my sweet spot. 292 00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:27,844 Let's do that. Okay. 293 00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,889 [sighs] These clothes are so uncomfortable. 294 00:10:29,932 --> 00:10:32,719 Glad to get 'em off. In there. 295 00:10:32,761 --> 00:10:34,546 You ready to drink with a friend? 296 00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,504 I am, Jess. Yes. 297 00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:38,594 Let's do this.[siren chirps] 298 00:10:39,899 --> 00:10:41,552 Why isn't the crosswalk here?Just let it out. 299 00:10:41,596 --> 00:10:43,033 Just let it out.This is where people 300 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,513 want to cross, sir. 301 00:10:44,556 --> 00:10:45,861 We don't need our table. 302 00:10:45,905 --> 00:10:47,777 We're sitting at the bar. Not a date. 303 00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:49,692 Good table's all yours-- not on a date. 304 00:10:49,735 --> 00:10:51,346 SCHMIDT: I think we're doing too much 305 00:10:51,389 --> 00:10:52,695 brainstorming and not enough 306 00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,740 good old-fashioned remembering. 307 00:10:54,783 --> 00:10:56,394 What's the worst thing that you've ever experienced 308 00:10:56,437 --> 00:10:57,613 on a date? 309 00:10:58,831 --> 00:11:01,878 ♪ I will be your father figure 310 00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:05,142 ♪ Put your tiny hand in mine 311 00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:08,275 ♪ I will be your preacher teacher ♪ 312 00:11:08,318 --> 00:11:11,888 ♪ Anything you have in mind 313 00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:14,847 ♪ I will be your father figure 314 00:11:14,890 --> 00:11:17,807 ♪ I have had enough of crime 315 00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:21,592 ♪ I will be the one who loves you ♪ 316 00:11:21,636 --> 00:11:24,770 ♪ Till the end of time. 317 00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:28,600 SCHMIDT: Outside Dave, 318 00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:29,731 my friend Winston here 319 00:11:29,775 --> 00:11:31,125 holds in his hands the lyrics 320 00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:33,213 to Sir George Michael's "Father Figure." 321 00:11:33,256 --> 00:11:35,389 I'm familiar.What's it gonna take for you to lose 322 00:11:35,432 --> 00:11:37,086 the shirt and go ruin a date for us? 323 00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:38,523 We're willing to pay you handsomely. 324 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:40,961 Four million U.S. dollars 325 00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:42,788 and a trip to wine country. 326 00:11:42,831 --> 00:11:44,268 [chuckles] 327 00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:49,533 SCHMIDT [whispering]: I don't have $4 million. 328 00:11:49,577 --> 00:11:50,927 All right, give him that. 329 00:11:50,971 --> 00:11:52,450 I'll tell you what. 330 00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:54,538 25 minutes of TV time 331 00:11:54,582 --> 00:11:56,716 and two home-cooked sandwiches. 332 00:11:58,456 --> 00:12:00,937 One home-cooked sandwich. 333 00:12:02,982 --> 00:12:04,114 Deal. Yeah, deal. 334 00:12:04,158 --> 00:12:05,681 Okay, Outside Dave. 335 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,116 Make yourself at home here on the couch, 336 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,815 and I'll get started on those sandwiches... 337 00:12:08,857 --> 00:12:10,773 To the laboratory! 338 00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:12,948 Diversion![door slams shut] 339 00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,428 Two urinals? 340 00:12:14,471 --> 00:12:15,822 I'm rich! 341 00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:17,213 [Nick and Jess laughing] 342 00:12:17,258 --> 00:12:18,868 You both have jobs. 343 00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:20,129 Get another charger. 344 00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:21,870 I love those guys, but they're idiots. 345 00:12:21,914 --> 00:12:23,830 They are idiots.They are so dumb. 346 00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,657 To their credit, they don't go around 347 00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:27,136 randomly grabbing each other's boobs. 348 00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:28,572 That we know of. 349 00:12:28,616 --> 00:12:30,139 Randomly? Oh, no way. 350 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,620 You put it out there, Jess. 351 00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:32,969 What? Yes, you do. 352 00:12:33,013 --> 00:12:34,448 I do not put it out there. 353 00:12:34,491 --> 00:12:35,928 "Hey, Nick, will you help me open this jar?" 354 00:12:35,971 --> 00:12:36,972 [laughing]: What? 355 00:12:37,017 --> 00:12:38,365 Yes. I can't open the jar. 356 00:12:38,408 --> 00:12:39,975 "How do you restart the Internet?" 357 00:12:40,019 --> 00:12:42,456 That's just me suffering through life. 358 00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:43,806 You have to stop, 359 00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,981 because it's ridiculously hot. 360 00:12:46,025 --> 00:12:48,245 Okay? 361 00:12:48,288 --> 00:12:50,899 It's... hard for me to deal with, 362 00:12:50,943 --> 00:12:52,640 'cause it's too hot. 363 00:12:52,683 --> 00:12:53,990 All right, fine. 364 00:12:54,033 --> 00:12:56,818 Then you have to stop gargling your beer. 365 00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:58,602 That's a turn-on?It's hot. 366 00:12:58,647 --> 00:13:00,953 [gurgles] [laughs] That is so weird, 367 00:13:00,996 --> 00:13:02,259 that that's a turn-on.You're like... 368 00:13:02,302 --> 00:13:03,870 might as well be in, like, a... 369 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:06,001 like a hose, spraying you down. 370 00:13:06,046 --> 00:13:07,003 You are out 371 00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:08,004 of your mind.[gurgles] 372 00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:10,049 [both laugh] 373 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:12,660 Hey. 374 00:13:14,053 --> 00:13:16,796 Do you want to get some dinner? 375 00:13:19,232 --> 00:13:20,842 Like a... 376 00:13:20,886 --> 00:13:22,322 like a date? [laughs] 377 00:13:24,325 --> 00:13:26,893 Yeah. Let's... Okay. 378 00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:30,025 Yes! Let's do it! We're going on a date! 379 00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:30,897 Yes! Yes! 380 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,332 [siren chirps] 381 00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:34,813 Come on, guys. 382 00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:38,251 Guys, so sorry. Curveball. 383 00:13:38,294 --> 00:13:39,948 We need the table back. 384 00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:41,037 We areon a date. 385 00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:43,082 We are on a date. Amazing. 386 00:13:43,125 --> 00:13:44,953 Hey, Marc, could you clear the table 387 00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:46,042 but leave the breadsticks? 388 00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:47,303 Actually, don't clear the table, 389 00:13:47,347 --> 00:13:48,740 'cause that looks good. [laughs] 390 00:13:48,783 --> 00:13:49,828 Could you clear the fish? 391 00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:55,922 I don't want to be too forward, but... 392 00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:58,880 whatever baby wants, baby gets. 393 00:13:58,924 --> 00:14:00,056 Daddy's buying. 394 00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,666 Well, look, you keep buying my drinks, 395 00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,232 I'll put out no matter what you say. 396 00:14:03,277 --> 00:14:05,018 Ooh.I guess the good ones 397 00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:07,759 aren'tall married or gay. [slurps] 398 00:14:07,802 --> 00:14:09,065 How many have we had? 399 00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:11,067 [laughs] Ooh! [laughs] 400 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:13,287 Hey, Russell! 401 00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:14,984 Nice to see you! 402 00:14:15,028 --> 00:14:16,506 Date's going really well. 403 00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:18,769 That's... that's great news. 404 00:14:18,813 --> 00:14:20,163 Really, really nice to see you guys. Yeah. 405 00:14:20,206 --> 00:14:22,383 You two are... 406 00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:23,905 really something. 407 00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:31,086 "Really something." What does that mean? 408 00:14:31,130 --> 00:14:32,000 Hmm. You know, 409 00:14:32,044 --> 00:14:33,263 we're having a great date. 410 00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:35,134 Right?Who cares what he thinks? 411 00:14:35,177 --> 00:14:36,527 [laughing]: Who cares what he says?I don't... agree. 412 00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:38,006 [laughs] 413 00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:38,965 [chuckles] 414 00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:41,750 [slurping] 415 00:14:43,011 --> 00:14:45,014 Hey! Hey! Hey, Russell! 416 00:14:45,057 --> 00:14:46,363 Oh, God. Where's my car?JESS: Hey, you said we were 417 00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:48,104 "really something..."What does that mean? 418 00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:49,932 ...and we want to know what that means.NICK: Yeah. 419 00:14:49,975 --> 00:14:51,063 This may come as a shock, 420 00:14:51,106 --> 00:14:53,022 but I have no opinion about you two. 421 00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:54,937 Did you valet? God, that is classy. 422 00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:56,982 You know what? You can't just tell 423 00:14:57,025 --> 00:14:59,158 two people that they're "really something" 424 00:14:59,201 --> 00:15:00,595 and just walk away. 425 00:15:00,638 --> 00:15:02,118 Fine. You-you want to know what I meant? 426 00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:04,076 Yes!You live together and you had three dates tonight. 427 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,296 What's that? 428 00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:08,124 I think you guys don't really know 429 00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:09,734 what you are to each other. Right? 430 00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,083 Well, you're wrong. No, you're wrong. Yeah. 431 00:15:11,126 --> 00:15:12,389 You are wrong, because we know what we are... 432 00:15:12,432 --> 00:15:13,956 We do know... Yeah. We know what we are. 433 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,217 Okay, this'll be fun. 434 00:15:15,261 --> 00:15:17,003 Tell you what. Why don't you write it down? 435 00:15:17,046 --> 00:15:19,178 Seriously. 436 00:15:19,221 --> 00:15:20,615 Write down what you think this is. 437 00:15:20,658 --> 00:15:22,182 Is this a relationship, 438 00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:23,618 a one-night stand, above the waist only? 439 00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,184 No wrong answers. 440 00:15:25,227 --> 00:15:26,881 You had two pens on you this whole time?Well, sure. 441 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,014 That's the move right there.You better believe it. 442 00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:30,711 [laughs] 443 00:15:34,455 --> 00:15:36,196 OUTSIDE DAVE: This is so much 444 00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:37,674 better than the gutter! 445 00:15:37,719 --> 00:15:39,328 I'm calling the police, I'm calling the D.A., 446 00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:40,591 I'm calling somebody. 447 00:15:40,634 --> 00:15:42,158 Mmm, smells like ladies in here. 448 00:15:42,201 --> 00:15:43,245 Damn it. My battery's dead. 449 00:15:43,289 --> 00:15:46,162 Yeah, mine, too. Where is the charger? 450 00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:51,211 Schmidt, you put the charger back in the bathroom? 451 00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:53,125 I'm sorry, okay? I thought it was the neutralest room. 452 00:15:53,168 --> 00:15:55,171 OUTSIDE DAVE: Three, two, one... 453 00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:56,563 [grunting]: ...zero! 454 00:15:56,606 --> 00:15:58,653 [clears throat, sighs] 455 00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:02,438 Let's just go, Brandy.JESS: Wait. 456 00:16:02,482 --> 00:16:04,005 No, no, no, no, no.Don't go. I just... take... 457 00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:05,181 I got this, I got this.Yeah, I got it, too. Me, too. 458 00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:06,225 There it is. 459 00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,619 Okay. Figured it out. 460 00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:10,230 Good. Great. RUSSELL: Okay. 461 00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:12,057 Great. 462 00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:16,409 Y-You know what? This wasn't such a good idea. 463 00:16:16,452 --> 00:16:18,106 Maybe just forget I thought of it. 464 00:16:18,150 --> 00:16:19,716 We're just gonna go. All right?Yeah. Yeah. 465 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,023 It's best that way. 466 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,154 What did you write? 467 00:16:22,197 --> 00:16:23,938 What did youwrite? 468 00:16:23,982 --> 00:16:25,245 Russell, Russell, hey.Russell, we have to get 469 00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:26,245 to the bottom of this.Okay, move it, move it. 470 00:16:26,288 --> 00:16:28,248 Let's go. Come on.[siren chirps] 471 00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:29,423 Excuse me, sir. 472 00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:31,033 The crosswalk... Geez. 473 00:16:31,076 --> 00:16:32,426 Sorry. 474 00:16:32,469 --> 00:16:34,471 Oh, my gosh. 475 00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:39,693 OUTSIDE DAVE: Hair sauce! 476 00:16:39,736 --> 00:16:41,216 Hair sauce?Mmm, feels like mud. 477 00:16:41,260 --> 00:16:42,523 Oh, my God. 478 00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:45,134 If he even looks at my pomade caddy, 479 00:16:45,177 --> 00:16:47,441 I will turn every hobo in the city against him. 480 00:16:47,484 --> 00:16:50,225 I will poison every pie on every windowsill. 481 00:16:50,269 --> 00:16:52,620 He doesn't steal pies from windowsills. 482 00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:56,101 He is a real-life homeless person. 483 00:16:56,144 --> 00:16:57,494 We need to call the cops. 484 00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,975 Oh, I'm sorry, we can't. You know why? 485 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,976 Yeah, your phone's dead. Because of you, Schmidt. 486 00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:04,109 You want to know why I'd rather hang out with Nick?[buzzing] 487 00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:05,980 Shh. What is that?OUTSIDE DAVE: Time to cut the grass. 488 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,113 He's using my four-in-one groomer. 489 00:17:07,155 --> 00:17:08,548 I'm going in there. 490 00:17:08,592 --> 00:17:10,159 No! Schmidt! Absolutely not!I'm going in there, man. 491 00:17:10,202 --> 00:17:12,553 You hear that? Because that... that is not the fourth use. 492 00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:14,163 There's no sanctioned fifth use!Hey, Schmidt! Schmidt! 493 00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:15,337 Look at me! He's using it for a fifth use! 494 00:17:15,382 --> 00:17:16,338 Look at me! Look at me! 495 00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:17,731 Nick is gonna be home soon. 496 00:17:17,775 --> 00:17:19,167 Okay? And then everything will be fine. 497 00:17:19,211 --> 00:17:21,170 Nick will know what to do. There's no time. 498 00:17:21,213 --> 00:17:22,345 I'm going to the roof.What are you... Schmidt, 499 00:17:22,388 --> 00:17:23,780 why are you going up... 500 00:17:23,825 --> 00:17:25,131 OUTSIDE DAVE: Oh, my gosh, it's full of bugs. 501 00:17:25,173 --> 00:17:26,914 Nick, 502 00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:29,352 I need to know how you feel. 503 00:17:29,395 --> 00:17:31,267 What did you write on that card? 504 00:17:31,310 --> 00:17:34,227 Well, what did you write on your card? 505 00:17:34,269 --> 00:17:36,316 Let's say it at the same time, Okay. 506 00:17:36,358 --> 00:17:37,882 on the count of three. 507 00:17:37,925 --> 00:17:40,276 One, two, three... 508 00:17:45,759 --> 00:17:47,153 Okay. 509 00:17:47,195 --> 00:17:49,154 From now on, 510 00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:50,939 no funny business. 511 00:17:50,981 --> 00:17:53,159 We do middle school dance rules. 512 00:17:53,201 --> 00:17:55,943 Three feet on the floor, no body hugs. 513 00:17:55,987 --> 00:17:58,294 Is that what you want?Yeah. 514 00:17:58,337 --> 00:17:59,164 You sure? Yeah. 515 00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:03,038 Okay. 516 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,257 Great. 517 00:18:04,299 --> 00:18:06,214 You got it. 518 00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:07,173 Wonderful. 519 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:13,614 Really? I... 520 00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,182 They've got a great squish to 'em. 521 00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:18,967 I couldn't stop thinking about it. 522 00:18:19,009 --> 00:18:20,316 Can't argue with you. 523 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:21,838 OUTSIDE DAVE: Wow, you can see my skin. 524 00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:23,231 [buzzing] 525 00:18:23,276 --> 00:18:24,798 Oh, good Lord. 526 00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:26,365 OUTSIDE DAVE: Hot damn! 527 00:18:27,366 --> 00:18:29,194 [sighs] 528 00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:30,586 You got this. 529 00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:33,199 You got this. Whoa. [screams] 530 00:18:33,241 --> 00:18:35,201 SCHMIDT: What are you doing? 531 00:18:35,243 --> 00:18:37,376 OUTSIDE DAVE: Stop moving.SCHMIDT: Get off of me! [screams] 532 00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:38,508 Hey, Schmidt! 533 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:39,988 He's got my leg!WINSTON: Outside Dave, 534 00:18:40,030 --> 00:18:41,294 man, what's happening in there? 535 00:18:41,336 --> 00:18:43,383 SCHMIDT: What are you d... [screams]Schmidt! 536 00:18:43,425 --> 00:18:45,340 Please! No! 537 00:18:45,384 --> 00:18:46,516 He's real homeless! 538 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:48,300 [screams] No! Get off!Come on. Come on! 539 00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:49,998 If you're hurting him, I swear... Oh, my... 540 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,217 OUTSIDE DAVE: It's shorts weather. 541 00:18:51,259 --> 00:18:54,175 Everybody's gonna want to dance with you. 542 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:55,568 Well, you're going against the grain, you animal! 543 00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,309 Is he shaving your legs? 544 00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:59,398 Winston! Thank goodness! Catch me. 545 00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:00,574 I got... 546 00:19:00,616 --> 00:19:02,053 I was about to catch you, 547 00:19:02,096 --> 00:19:03,403 and then you just fell. 548 00:19:03,445 --> 00:19:04,272 [sighs] 549 00:19:05,491 --> 00:19:07,189 You just saved my life. 550 00:19:07,232 --> 00:19:08,582 Anything, man, as long as you're okay. 551 00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:10,192 You're okay? 552 00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,453 Well, I don't know. 553 00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:13,239 You break that whole thing down, there was... 554 00:19:13,281 --> 00:19:15,588 a homeless man was just shaving my leg. 555 00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:17,242 Yeah. 556 00:19:19,244 --> 00:19:20,201 Hey, man. 557 00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,290 Winston and Schmidt. 558 00:19:23,378 --> 00:19:24,336 Winston and Schmidt. 559 00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:25,337 All right! Okay. 560 00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:27,252 Yeah. All right, man. 561 00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:29,429 How long have the two of you been the best of friends? 562 00:19:29,471 --> 00:19:31,038 Longer than we ever knew. 563 00:19:31,082 --> 00:19:32,474 I will say it's hard to have a moment with you 564 00:19:32,519 --> 00:19:33,911 when there's a homeless dude 565 00:19:33,954 --> 00:19:35,391 dropping a deuce in our urinal. 566 00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:40,440 We never actually ate, so...Yeah, I know. 567 00:19:40,482 --> 00:19:41,570 I'm getting a snack. I'm going to bed. 568 00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:42,920 Can I have some of these? 569 00:19:42,963 --> 00:19:44,878 Sure. 570 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:55,411 Jess, I can help you. 571 00:19:55,454 --> 00:19:56,846 I got it. 572 00:19:56,891 --> 00:19:58,587 [banging] 573 00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:00,328 [grunts] I got it. 574 00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:02,113 I don't even n... I don't even... 575 00:20:02,156 --> 00:20:03,680 I don't even want... 576 00:20:03,723 --> 00:20:05,247 [sighs] 577 00:20:10,121 --> 00:20:11,252 [jar pops open] 578 00:20:11,297 --> 00:20:13,603 [sets lid on counter] 579 00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,431 Thank you. 580 00:20:15,474 --> 00:20:16,388 You're welcome. 581 00:20:16,432 --> 00:20:18,478 I'm gonna go to bed now. 582 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:19,347 Okay. 583 00:20:23,308 --> 00:20:25,701 Don't. [sighs] 584 00:20:28,530 --> 00:20:29,750 [gargles] 585 00:20:31,359 --> 00:20:33,275 I have to go to sleep. 586 00:20:33,318 --> 00:20:34,971 I'll walk with you. 587 00:20:48,508 --> 00:20:50,465 [whispering]: Good night, Miller. 588 00:20:50,509 --> 00:20:52,294 Good night, Day. 589 00:21:06,176 --> 00:21:07,701 ♪ Love put me wise 590 00:21:07,743 --> 00:21:09,528 ♪ To her love in disguise 591 00:21:09,571 --> 00:21:11,530 ♪ She had the body of Venus 592 00:21:11,574 --> 00:21:14,316 ♪ Lord, imagine my surprise 593 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:15,925 ♪ Ah, ah 594 00:21:15,970 --> 00:21:17,971 ♪ Dude looks like a lady 595 00:21:18,015 --> 00:21:20,104 ♪ Oh, oh 596 00:21:20,147 --> 00:21:21,801 ♪ Dude looks like a lady 597 00:21:21,845 --> 00:21:23,455 ♪ Oh, oh 598 00:21:23,499 --> 00:21:25,980 ♪ Dude looks like a lady 599 00:21:26,022 --> 00:21:27,807 ♪ Ow, ow 600 00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:30,593 ♪ Dude looks like a lady 601 00:21:30,636 --> 00:21:33,509 ♪ Ow... 602 00:21:33,552 --> 00:21:36,207 Like the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. 603 00:21:36,250 --> 00:21:38,252 ♪ Dude looks like a lady.