1 00:00:12,663 --> 00:00:14,057 [both spit] 2 00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:17,539 I like how things aren't weird between us. 3 00:00:17,582 --> 00:00:18,888 Right? Right. 4 00:00:18,931 --> 00:00:20,759 'Cause if somebody walked in here and saw us, 5 00:00:20,803 --> 00:00:23,239 they'd be, like, "Look at those two totally normal roommates. 6 00:00:23,283 --> 00:00:26,242 I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face. 7 00:00:26,286 --> 00:00:27,940 I sucked your face. You did. Who cares? 8 00:00:27,984 --> 00:00:29,855 You totally sucked my face.Sorry that I touched your hand there. 9 00:00:29,899 --> 00:00:31,856 It was accidental. Like, who acc...? Yeah.I mean, it's just cool, 10 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:33,250 'cause that's the thing. It's, like, we're just roommates. 11 00:00:33,293 --> 00:00:34,859 Who cares? We're just cool. 12 00:00:34,904 --> 00:00:36,557 I totally agree. Yes.You know what I mean? 13 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,298 Let's reward ourselves, 'cause we're doing so well. 14 00:00:38,341 --> 00:00:41,084 Table for two, fanciest restaurant in town. 15 00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:43,259 Yeah, and then we could have sex. 16 00:00:43,304 --> 00:00:45,348 [laughs] [laughs] 17 00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,786 Just joking, I was just jok-- I was just joking.Yeah, no, I know it was a joke. 18 00:00:47,829 --> 00:00:51,311 Spot. There's-There's a parking spot. 19 00:00:53,704 --> 00:00:55,054 I just finished rinsing out the Dumpster, 20 00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:58,274 and while I was buffing the backside, I found this-- 21 00:00:58,319 --> 00:00:59,755 4D. 22 00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:00,972 So, who gets the spot? 23 00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:02,278 Me.You know what? I never get anything. 24 00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:03,149 I would like it.I need a win. 25 00:01:03,192 --> 00:01:06,762 [overlapping chatter] 26 00:01:06,805 --> 00:01:11,114 Give me the spot, or I'll kill you all! 27 00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:12,942 ♪ Who's that girl? 28 00:01:12,984 --> 00:01:15,944 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. 29 00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:19,340 [whistles] 30 00:01:19,382 --> 00:01:21,123 I park under an overpass. 31 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,385 Guys, guys, guys, guys. 32 00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:23,953 We all have crappy parking. 33 00:01:23,995 --> 00:01:27,609 Guys, why don't we just all share the spot? 34 00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:30,132 We'll each get it for a day and a half every week, 35 00:01:30,176 --> 00:01:32,962 and then we split Sunday into six-hour shifts. 36 00:01:33,004 --> 00:01:35,399 Does it say "Share stuff" in the Constitution of America? 37 00:01:35,442 --> 00:01:37,793 No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say? 38 00:01:37,835 --> 00:01:39,402 Don't share stuff. 39 00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:41,536 No one deserves that spot more than I do.[phone chimes] 40 00:01:41,579 --> 00:01:45,974 You know? 'Cause Lord knows, I've done my fair... share of... 41 00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:48,151 spotworthy things. 42 00:01:48,194 --> 00:01:49,760 [whistles] What are you doing? 43 00:01:49,805 --> 00:01:52,155 I'm sorry. Daisy travels so much, and I work at night, so, 44 00:01:52,198 --> 00:01:55,984 you know, our sex window is... like... 45 00:01:56,027 --> 00:01:58,987 I've lived in this loft as long, if not longer, than anyone. 46 00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:01,382 I have the crummiest room, I'm on 24-hour grout watch. 47 00:02:01,424 --> 00:02:04,340 [mutters]I pay the lion's share of the utilities, do I not? 48 00:02:04,385 --> 00:02:06,951 I refuse to pay for the wiffi.It's WiFi. 49 00:02:06,995 --> 00:02:08,866 I didn't even have to tell you guys about the spot. 50 00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:11,305 Why did I tell you guys about the spot? Oh, damn it! 51 00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:13,175 I'm the dumbest boy in school! 52 00:02:13,219 --> 00:02:14,176 As the only woman in the loft... 53 00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:16,439 Don't play the lady card. 54 00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:17,962 I will play the lady card. Race card. 55 00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:19,008 Lazy drunk card. 56 00:02:19,050 --> 00:02:21,532 Deserves-the-spot card. 57 00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:24,187 Do I not, every day, have to deal with Outside Dave? 58 00:02:24,230 --> 00:02:27,234 Dave? I have to use my car now, Dave. 59 00:02:27,276 --> 00:02:31,281 I work so hard, I just want some sleep! 60 00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:35,198 Dave, I'm gonna go get some coffee. 61 00:02:35,241 --> 00:02:38,245 Um, can I get you anything? 62 00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:41,030 2% latte. 63 00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:43,989 He throws dentures at me, he doesn't like cookies. 64 00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,557 Because I believe so strongly in women's equality, 65 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,079 I refuse to give you preferential treatment. 66 00:02:48,123 --> 00:02:49,995 Well, that's really cool, Schmidt. I really... 67 00:02:50,038 --> 00:02:51,127 Wait a minute. 68 00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:52,127 [phone chimes]WINSTON: Oh. 69 00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:53,216 Sex window. 70 00:02:53,259 --> 00:02:54,216 [sighs] 71 00:02:54,260 --> 00:02:56,001 Now, if you all will excuse me, 72 00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:59,614 I am about to go and park my car on herparking spot. 73 00:02:59,656 --> 00:03:02,093 Ew. Ew! Get out.As if there was anything more important than this. 74 00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:04,052 I still want the spot, though.Obviously not getting the spot. 75 00:03:04,096 --> 00:03:05,271 And then there were three. 76 00:03:05,314 --> 00:03:07,274 That's right. Just the way I want it. 77 00:03:20,329 --> 00:03:22,853 Come on! It's a good job, guys. 78 00:03:22,897 --> 00:03:25,856 Yes! How do you two care about stuff so much? 79 00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,467 Well, you know what this means, Jessica, don't you? 80 00:03:27,510 --> 00:03:29,599 Nicholas Miller is now a swing vote. 81 00:03:29,644 --> 00:03:31,122 What? No!He's right, 'cause we're 82 00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:32,429 both voting for ourselves, 83 00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:34,126 so that makes you the decider. 84 00:03:34,170 --> 00:03:35,432 You two are on your own. I'm out. 85 00:03:35,475 --> 00:03:37,128 You can't escape destiny. 86 00:03:37,173 --> 00:03:39,393 She comes for us all, that relentless bitch. 87 00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:42,699 That's right. Destiny's a lady. 88 00:03:42,743 --> 00:03:45,268 Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. 89 00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:48,139 Direct quote-- Scott Caan. 90 00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:51,143 [knocking]Yup. 91 00:03:53,319 --> 00:03:55,103 Hey. 92 00:03:55,146 --> 00:03:56,453 I found one of your hoodies, 93 00:03:56,497 --> 00:03:58,281 and I borrowed it. 94 00:03:58,324 --> 00:04:02,284 You want to know what I'm wearing underneath this shirt? 95 00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:05,506 Yeah, sure.An invisible shirt. 96 00:04:05,549 --> 00:04:06,637 I'm confused, Jess. 97 00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:09,466 These are so long. Oh. 98 00:04:09,509 --> 00:04:12,163 I wouldn't put that in your mouth. 99 00:04:12,207 --> 00:04:13,949 Do you chew on this? I do. 100 00:04:13,991 --> 00:04:15,472 Mmm. You do, huh? 101 00:04:15,515 --> 00:04:17,518 It's crunchy. 102 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,694 Oh. You get hit in the head or something? 103 00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,305 Hmm? Are you flirting with me to get the spot? 104 00:04:22,348 --> 00:04:26,309 How dare you accuse me of that. 105 00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:27,701 The parking spot is yours. Really? 106 00:04:27,745 --> 00:04:30,182 Yeah. Thanks, Nick. That's so cool of you. 107 00:04:30,225 --> 00:04:33,447 Sometimes I can be a gentleman, believe it or not. 108 00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,362 Cool. Cool. All right. 109 00:04:35,404 --> 00:04:36,362 Well, thank you.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 110 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,321 Get in here. Yeah, we can... 111 00:04:38,365 --> 00:04:40,540 Let's hug this out. [screaming] 112 00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:42,151 Purple nurple! 113 00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:43,543 Thank you. [gasps] 114 00:04:43,586 --> 00:04:45,937 I don't know why I did that. I'll get ice. 115 00:04:45,980 --> 00:04:47,329 Why did you do that? 116 00:04:49,375 --> 00:04:51,334 Oh, finally. What took you so long? 117 00:04:51,377 --> 00:04:52,682 I said 2:45, not 3:08. 118 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,119 I couldn't follow your directions. 119 00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:55,990 I'm telling you, girl, this complex is like a maze. 120 00:04:56,033 --> 00:04:58,558 Every building in this place looks exactly the same. 121 00:04:58,601 --> 00:04:59,951 And for future reference, 122 00:04:59,995 --> 00:05:01,562 I'm more of a left-right kind of guy, not so much 123 00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:03,389 a north-south kind of guy. Put on a condom. 124 00:05:03,432 --> 00:05:07,394 Hmm... I don't, uh... 125 00:05:07,437 --> 00:05:08,437 You forgot a condom? 126 00:05:08,481 --> 00:05:09,918 You got a grocery bag?No. 127 00:05:09,961 --> 00:05:10,613 Tin foil? No. 128 00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:11,745 Hand sanitizer? No. 129 00:05:11,788 --> 00:05:13,182 You got a shower cap and a twist tie? 130 00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:15,401 You didn't bring the one thing we need to have sex? 131 00:05:15,444 --> 00:05:17,403 What about a baseball cap that's really small?Are you serious? 132 00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:19,057 Um, I got quick reflexes. 133 00:05:20,971 --> 00:05:23,192 Mm, I'm gonna take care of this, okay? 134 00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:25,759 Okay, well, look, do not waste my time. 135 00:05:25,802 --> 00:05:27,238 I will be back faster than you can say, 136 00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:30,547 "Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already." 137 00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:31,591 Don't-don't say that, though. 138 00:05:31,634 --> 00:05:35,029 Do not... Wait for me. Wait... 139 00:05:35,072 --> 00:05:36,204 [door closes] 140 00:05:36,247 --> 00:05:38,425 Who wants an ice-cold Heisler, 141 00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,644 all dressed up in a frosty mug? 142 00:05:40,687 --> 00:05:43,211 Sure. I like beer. I know you haven't officially decided 143 00:05:43,254 --> 00:05:47,389 on the spot yet, but I just wanted to say, thanks, man. 144 00:05:47,433 --> 00:05:48,826 What for, Schmidt? 145 00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:50,784 We both know that you're gonna give the spot to me, 146 00:05:50,827 --> 00:05:52,526 but I love that you're keeping up the charade. 147 00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:53,526 Spot's going to Jess. 148 00:05:53,569 --> 00:05:55,223 Jess? Jess. 149 00:05:55,266 --> 00:05:56,442 Give me the beer back.I'm trying to be a gentleman. 150 00:05:56,485 --> 00:05:58,401 Hey, Schmidt. Hey, Nick. 151 00:05:58,444 --> 00:06:00,663 Oh. 152 00:06:00,708 --> 00:06:02,971 How you doing?Good. How are you? 153 00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:05,408 Good. 154 00:06:13,502 --> 00:06:15,591 What the hell? Hmm? 155 00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:17,245 What... the hell? 156 00:06:17,288 --> 00:06:18,507 I'm checking my e-mail. 157 00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:20,596 Oh. Okay. 158 00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:25,514 Think that I'm blind? Think I can't smell it? 159 00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:27,081 You think I can't hearit? 160 00:06:27,125 --> 00:06:32,608 The stench of filth and lust is all over this room. 161 00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:35,045 Smells like freaking Tijuana. 162 00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:38,223 What... happened here? 163 00:06:38,266 --> 00:06:39,485 Nothing. Hardly anything. 164 00:06:39,528 --> 00:06:40,617 Hardly anything?! 165 00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:41,879 NICK: You know I'm not good 166 00:06:41,923 --> 00:06:42,619 at this, Jess. 167 00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:45,492 Shut up. Okay, fine. 168 00:06:45,534 --> 00:06:47,494 We kissed. Eh. [scoffs] 169 00:06:47,536 --> 00:06:50,627 It was nothing. So? Uh, moving on. 170 00:06:53,586 --> 00:06:55,153 Don't be weird about this, Schmidt. 171 00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:57,024 Remember... I mean, it was like a dare, basically. 172 00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:58,461 Yeah. 173 00:06:58,504 --> 00:07:00,463 Mazel... tov 174 00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:03,161 to the both of you. 175 00:07:03,204 --> 00:07:05,468 Well, I don't know what "Mazel tov" means, 176 00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:07,209 but it doesn't sound good. 177 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:11,908 Excuse me, excuse me, sorry about that. 178 00:07:11,952 --> 00:07:13,475 Emergency. Emergency. Sorry about that. 179 00:07:13,519 --> 00:07:14,869 I need a condom. 180 00:07:14,911 --> 00:07:17,697 [sighs] That'll be $8.75. 181 00:07:17,740 --> 00:07:19,481 All right. 182 00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:22,702 What the hell? What the...? 183 00:07:22,745 --> 00:07:24,617 Damn it, took Daisy's pants. 184 00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:26,271 Look, I don't have any money right now, 185 00:07:26,314 --> 00:07:28,403 but, you know, I have somebody waiting for me, 186 00:07:28,447 --> 00:07:29,709 so if you could just, you know? 187 00:07:29,752 --> 00:07:31,711 Next. Wait. No. No, no, no, no. 188 00:07:31,754 --> 00:07:34,540 Uh, look, what about that box of condoms right there, man? 189 00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:36,194 They're practically open, right? 190 00:07:36,237 --> 00:07:38,370 How about you just slide one out and throw a brother a loosie? 191 00:07:38,413 --> 00:07:39,502 Next. 192 00:07:39,545 --> 00:07:41,548 MAN: Come on. 193 00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,375 [sighs] Hey, everybody. 194 00:07:43,418 --> 00:07:44,507 What's up? 195 00:07:44,550 --> 00:07:46,117 My name is Winston Bishop, 196 00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:50,338 and I am in desperate need... of a condom. 197 00:07:50,382 --> 00:07:51,906 CLERK: Okay, that's it.WINSTON: Now hear me out. 198 00:07:51,949 --> 00:07:53,733 Okay? Okay. Come on. Sorry, folks. 199 00:07:53,776 --> 00:07:55,213 NICK: Hey, Schmidt? 200 00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,521 Hey, Schmidt? You okay? 201 00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,524 Who? Me? Yeah. 202 00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:03,134 Yeah, look, guys, I'm fine. 203 00:08:03,177 --> 00:08:06,355 Look, I admit, at first I was thrown, but I'm fine. 204 00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:07,747 Are you seriously doing this?! 205 00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:09,706 I can't believe this! This is so dumb! 206 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,315 I'm sorry. 207 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,927 I'm just... I'm trying to process this whole thing. 208 00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:16,538 Nick! You're my best friend, and you should have told me. 209 00:08:16,582 --> 00:08:18,714 And Jess, what do you think? Mono is just some sort of joke? 210 00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,369 Nothing has changed. 211 00:08:20,411 --> 00:08:22,632 Like same old, same old. 212 00:08:22,675 --> 00:08:25,112 Except for the fact that, uh, 213 00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:27,550 pre-kiss Jess didn't have a parking spot. 214 00:08:27,593 --> 00:08:30,726 Post-kiss Jess does. 215 00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:34,644 Sounds... like... change. 216 00:08:34,687 --> 00:08:36,384 I won the spot fair and square, Schmidt. 217 00:08:36,427 --> 00:08:38,561 Did you, though?I wouldn't say fair and square. 218 00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:40,998 [scoffs] All right. Fine. 219 00:08:41,042 --> 00:08:43,479 I used my body. Is that what you want to hear? 220 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,655 I shook what the good people of Oregon gave me, 221 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,004 and I got a parking space. 222 00:08:48,048 --> 00:08:51,705 Let me tell you something, Nicholas Miller. 223 00:08:51,748 --> 00:08:54,184 You know, had Winston kissed me, 224 00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:55,577 you're the first person I would have told! 225 00:08:55,621 --> 00:08:57,798 I know you would have told me if Winston kissed you. 226 00:08:57,841 --> 00:09:00,626 But I guess your loyalty lies elsewhere. 227 00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,803 I can't handle this! 228 00:09:03,846 --> 00:09:05,631 Fine. Schmidt, congratulations. 229 00:09:05,674 --> 00:09:07,416 The spot is yours. 230 00:09:07,458 --> 00:09:08,591 Okay. Really. It's him. 231 00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:10,592 What?! Nick Miller, you weakling. 232 00:09:10,636 --> 00:09:13,248 I can't have people thinking my decision wasn't above board. 233 00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:15,032 This city can't have another scandal! 234 00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:16,643 Wise choice. [laughs] Thanks. 235 00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:17,644 He's been manipulating you the whole time. 236 00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,645 Look at him.I don't think... 237 00:09:19,688 --> 00:09:22,605 Look at his smi-- he's smiling evilly. 238 00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,302 You know what, Jess? Stop. 239 00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:25,782 You're manipulating me, he's manipulating me, 240 00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:27,827 and I'm getting confused. 241 00:09:27,870 --> 00:09:30,657 I am the decider of us three! 242 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,658 I decide! 243 00:09:32,701 --> 00:09:34,485 Let the decider decide! 244 00:09:34,529 --> 00:09:35,705 I am not the suggester! 245 00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:38,490 I'm not having a good time with this game. 246 00:09:39,665 --> 00:09:41,450 Give my regards to Outside Dave. 247 00:09:41,493 --> 00:09:43,191 Stay away from my space... 248 00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,453 or you'll have this to deal with. 249 00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,326 S... 250 00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:50,067 Where are your nipples, man? 251 00:09:52,591 --> 00:09:54,636 I'll never tell. 252 00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:55,899 [laughing quietly] 253 00:09:55,942 --> 00:09:58,509 You're either gonna break your finger, 254 00:09:58,553 --> 00:10:00,903 or you're gonna break that button. 255 00:10:00,947 --> 00:10:02,863 I'm not going back in there. It's too weird. 256 00:10:02,905 --> 00:10:04,908 [sighs] You're the one making it weird, Nick. 257 00:10:04,951 --> 00:10:06,822 You want weird? I'll give you weird. 258 00:10:06,866 --> 00:10:08,869 Weird, weird, weird. 259 00:10:08,912 --> 00:10:12,046 Fine. Weirder, weirder, weirder. 260 00:10:13,917 --> 00:10:17,485 Weird, weird, weird. 261 00:10:17,528 --> 00:10:19,662 Uh, weird, ugh, ugh. 262 00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:21,359 Weird. 263 00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:22,664 [grunts] Weird. Weird. 264 00:10:22,708 --> 00:10:23,666 Weird, weirder, weird.Weird, weird. 265 00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:24,927 Weird, weird. Weird. 266 00:10:24,971 --> 00:10:26,886 Weird! Weird. Weird! What are we doing?! 267 00:10:26,929 --> 00:10:29,716 I don't know! You started it! 268 00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:33,720 Is this how it's gonna be? Is it?What are we talking about, Jess? 269 00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:36,722 You think things like this aren't gonna come up 270 00:10:36,765 --> 00:10:38,768 all the time? We need a long-term solution. 271 00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,988 I'll give you a long-term solution. 272 00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:45,253 I'm taking the spot! 273 00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:46,688 Oh, my God. 274 00:10:46,732 --> 00:10:48,865 What is all the commotion? 275 00:10:48,908 --> 00:10:50,388 He's taking the spot!He can't do that! 276 00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:52,042 Kill him, kill him-- you said you'd kill him! 277 00:10:52,086 --> 00:10:54,304 Now kill him! Now's your chance!Oh, for heaven's sakes. 278 00:10:54,349 --> 00:10:56,307 NICK: First car in the spot gets it. 279 00:10:56,350 --> 00:10:57,351 Aah! 280 00:10:57,394 --> 00:10:59,397 [Jess whimpering] 281 00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:05,533 Aw, damn it! 282 00:11:05,576 --> 00:11:07,491 You middled me again?! 283 00:11:07,535 --> 00:11:09,538 I'm not to be middled; it's in my contract. 284 00:11:09,581 --> 00:11:11,278 Shoot! 285 00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:13,323 Excuse me. 286 00:11:13,368 --> 00:11:14,629 Aah! 287 00:11:14,673 --> 00:11:17,501 Hey, five bucks if you help me fold this nicely. 288 00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:20,722 I'm not going above six, so don't negotiate with me. 289 00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:22,594 [tires screech]Aah! 290 00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:23,899 Go, go, sorry, go. 291 00:11:23,943 --> 00:11:27,381 Oh, I'm sorry, I-- okay, sorry, go. 292 00:11:28,774 --> 00:11:31,211 Move it, you wacky bitch! 293 00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:34,736 It won't start. 294 00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:36,565 [grunts] 295 00:11:36,607 --> 00:11:38,131 Help me push it! 296 00:11:38,174 --> 00:11:39,350 [grunts] 297 00:11:39,394 --> 00:11:41,351 Get behind it. 298 00:11:41,395 --> 00:11:44,615 Back in the box! 299 00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,967 [meowing]Aw, cats. 300 00:11:48,010 --> 00:11:50,404 Hey, hey, buddy. 301 00:11:51,405 --> 00:11:52,928 [tires screeching] 302 00:11:52,972 --> 00:11:55,322 What? 303 00:11:55,365 --> 00:11:56,759 [laughs] 304 00:11:56,802 --> 00:11:57,933 Mine. 305 00:11:57,977 --> 00:11:59,761 The laws of parking require a vehicle. 306 00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:00,937 This is my vehicle. 307 00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:02,111 This is my vehicle. 308 00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,940 Don't. 309 00:12:03,984 --> 00:12:05,594 Don't you do it, Schmidt. 310 00:12:05,636 --> 00:12:06,551 I'm not afraid. 311 00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:07,639 Schmidt, no. 312 00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,860 You just hit me.Damn right I did. 313 00:12:11,904 --> 00:12:12,905 You're sitting right in the middle 314 00:12:12,948 --> 00:12:14,864 of the spot.You hit me with your car 315 00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:16,692 over a parking spot, Schmidt. 316 00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:17,779 Get out of the spot! 317 00:12:17,823 --> 00:12:18,999 [tires screeching]Jess. 318 00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,956 Move or I will hit you. I want that spot. 319 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:21,957 No.Have you lost your mind? 320 00:12:22,001 --> 00:12:23,873 Not a joke, move, move.No. 321 00:12:23,917 --> 00:12:24,874 What are you doing, Jess? Move, move. 322 00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:26,528 Jess, stop it. 323 00:12:26,571 --> 00:12:28,616 What are you doing?Stop the car, you lunatic. She's insane. 324 00:12:28,659 --> 00:12:30,619 No-- oh! Oh! 325 00:12:31,053 --> 00:12:33,709 No, no! 326 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:34,797 What is she doing? 327 00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:36,015 What is going on? 328 00:12:36,058 --> 00:12:37,974 Can't believe I'm going down like this. 329 00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:39,019 You're not in the space! 330 00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:43,370 Okay, all right, mine, mine, I'm not leaving. 331 00:12:43,413 --> 00:12:44,850 NICK: I'm not leaving either. 332 00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:45,894 I have a purse full of hard candy 333 00:12:45,938 --> 00:12:47,591 and an empty bladder. 334 00:12:47,635 --> 00:12:48,985 I'm here all night, folks. 335 00:12:49,028 --> 00:12:50,595 I'm here all night.I'm here all night. 336 00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:52,683 I'm here all night.I-- that's what I said. 337 00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:57,471 I'm really happy you gave me another shot. 338 00:12:57,514 --> 00:12:59,081 Yeah, so am I. 339 00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:01,171 You know, you, you can't judge someone based on their friends. 340 00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:02,869 No, and I feel like, if you gave them another chance, 341 00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:04,434 you'd really like them. 342 00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:08,004 They are down to earth and chill, no drama. Yeah? 343 00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:10,005 [pounding on door]WINSTON: Hey, Cece, 344 00:13:10,049 --> 00:13:10,832 it's Winston! 345 00:13:10,876 --> 00:13:11,833 You got a rubber?! 346 00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,879 I need a rubber! 347 00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:15,359 [pounding on door] 348 00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,013 He said "rhubarb," that's how he pronounces "rhubarb." 349 00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:19,014 It's so weird. 350 00:13:19,058 --> 00:13:21,844 Nah, nah, I-I need a condom 351 00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:24,106 for my penis! 352 00:13:24,150 --> 00:13:25,456 What are you doing? 353 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,067 Okay, we are not close enough for this. 354 00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:29,417 All right, we have spent very little time together. 355 00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:31,854 You are the only person that I know in this neighborhood. 356 00:13:31,898 --> 00:13:33,334 Don't you dare come in my house. 357 00:13:33,376 --> 00:13:34,639 Hey, man, hey. 358 00:13:34,682 --> 00:13:36,510 Hey. I'm Winston, good to see you again. 359 00:13:36,553 --> 00:13:38,120 Shivrang. Hi.You got a condom on you? 360 00:13:38,164 --> 00:13:40,907 Oh, no, no, look, that's not-- we're, um... 361 00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:42,255 Her mother and my mother... 362 00:13:42,298 --> 00:13:44,692 [clears throat] I'm a chemical engineer.Winston. 363 00:13:44,735 --> 00:13:47,086 Look, Shivrang, man to man, I know you have a condom 364 00:13:47,129 --> 00:13:49,871 in your wallet, but my question to you is: do you actually think 365 00:13:49,915 --> 00:13:52,091 you're gonna get lucky with a sexy lady like that? 366 00:13:52,134 --> 00:13:54,094 You know, I feel like I'm getting lucky 367 00:13:54,136 --> 00:13:56,052 by just being here. 368 00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:59,490 Be honest with me. Okay, fine, I've got a condom. 369 00:13:59,533 --> 00:14:00,883 Aha. Winston. 370 00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,928 Is he going to need that condom tonight?Oh, God. 371 00:14:02,971 --> 00:14:04,712 I'm gonna punch you in the face.Shall I give you a minute to think about it? 372 00:14:04,755 --> 00:14:06,235 'Cause I can wait.I'm gonna wring your damn neck. 373 00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,063 This is awful, like, really...Okay, okay. Get out. 374 00:14:08,107 --> 00:14:09,892 This is worse than last time.Honestly, physically removing you now. 375 00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:10,893 I'm going.Out of my house. 376 00:14:13,982 --> 00:14:15,942 It's a sour ball, not a bank safe. 377 00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:18,813 Just open the candy. 378 00:14:18,857 --> 00:14:19,946 Are you hungry?Yes, I'm starving. 379 00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:21,511 Why don't you go upstairs to the kitchen? 380 00:14:21,556 --> 00:14:22,904 It's full of food. 381 00:14:22,948 --> 00:14:23,950 Just give me the damn candy. 382 00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,951 Go get it.Wait, no, no, no. 383 00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,128 Aah. 384 00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:29,999 Okay, I have, like, a stabbing pain, it's-- 385 00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:31,479 and it's, and it's like right here. 386 00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:32,914 It's my pishy. 387 00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:34,264 I, I have to pish. 388 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:35,918 I think we should take a break. 389 00:14:35,961 --> 00:14:38,094 Leave and you're out.Drown in your own urine. 390 00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:39,399 I got to find a condom. 391 00:14:39,442 --> 00:14:41,009 I need a condom! 392 00:14:41,053 --> 00:14:42,184 But I still want the spot. 393 00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:44,100 Condom, condom, condom... 394 00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:46,363 Come on, come on, come on, Nick, come on. 395 00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:49,975 [stammers] 396 00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:51,933 Okay. 397 00:14:51,977 --> 00:14:53,936 Condom, condom, condom. 398 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,937 Damn it. 399 00:14:55,981 --> 00:14:57,940 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 400 00:14:57,984 --> 00:15:00,769 Here we go... here we go. 401 00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:02,770 I mean, she's either having crazy amounts of sex 402 00:15:02,813 --> 00:15:04,990 or she does not know how to use these things. 403 00:15:05,033 --> 00:15:08,428 [groans] 404 00:15:08,471 --> 00:15:11,953 Oh, just focus, man, bring it in. 405 00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,346 Absorb it. 406 00:15:13,389 --> 00:15:16,044 [sighs] 407 00:15:16,088 --> 00:15:17,350 Yeah. 408 00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:19,048 Did you just pee inside your body? 409 00:15:19,091 --> 00:15:20,135 Yes. 410 00:15:20,179 --> 00:15:21,311 This is your fault, Nick. 411 00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:22,791 You compromised the whole loft. 412 00:15:22,833 --> 00:15:24,139 We had an agreement. 413 00:15:24,183 --> 00:15:25,359 When Jessica Day signed that lease, 414 00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:28,971 you, me, and Coach all took a no-nail oath. 415 00:15:29,014 --> 00:15:29,971 No-nail oath? 416 00:15:30,015 --> 00:15:31,799 I didn't break the no-nail oath. 417 00:15:31,842 --> 00:15:33,975 Your mouth nailed her mouth. 418 00:15:34,019 --> 00:15:36,239 For the record, no one nailed my mouth. 419 00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:37,544 That's important to me. 420 00:15:37,587 --> 00:15:40,374 Also, we didn't do anything wrong. 421 00:15:40,417 --> 00:15:42,071 Do you know nothing about men? 422 00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:43,812 Yeah, I know nothing about men. 423 00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:46,466 That's why I'm wearing a short skirt and wool tights. 424 00:15:46,509 --> 00:15:48,163 A woman cannot be in close quarters with three men 425 00:15:48,207 --> 00:15:49,817 and kiss one of them. 426 00:15:49,860 --> 00:15:50,774 What fuels men? 427 00:15:50,818 --> 00:15:52,821 Competition and sex. 428 00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,692 That's why the United Nations was formed, 429 00:15:54,735 --> 00:15:56,912 that's why girls aren't allowed on pirate ships, 430 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,000 and that is why there is 431 00:15:58,043 --> 00:15:59,827 a no-nail oath in apartment 4D, 432 00:15:59,870 --> 00:16:02,918 and deep down inside, Nick knows that I'm right. 433 00:16:02,961 --> 00:16:04,005 Mm-hmm, 434 00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:05,006 back me up here, Nick. 435 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,269 I just want a piece of candy. 436 00:16:06,312 --> 00:16:08,227 Are you serious? You didn't give me the spot 437 00:16:08,270 --> 00:16:09,793 and now you won't back me up? 438 00:16:09,837 --> 00:16:11,274 You coward.Why should he? 439 00:16:11,317 --> 00:16:14,798 Because he-- because... 440 00:16:14,842 --> 00:16:16,452 Because, what, you kissed, 441 00:16:16,496 --> 00:16:19,586 and now he owes you some sort of emotional support and loyalty? 442 00:16:19,629 --> 00:16:22,197 Reason number two for the no-nail oath-- 443 00:16:22,241 --> 00:16:24,244 bitches be crazy. 444 00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:25,027 [laughs] 445 00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:26,375 Isn't that right, Nick? 446 00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:29,900 I found garbage that has chocolate on it. 447 00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:32,903 Daisy, I'm back. 448 00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:37,038 [gasps] 449 00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:41,043 Daisy. 450 00:16:41,086 --> 00:16:42,826 Hey, Daisy, I'm here! 451 00:16:42,870 --> 00:16:44,220 Where you at?! 452 00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:45,874 I don't have my phone, 453 00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:47,962 and all these buildings look alike, and I... 454 00:16:48,006 --> 00:16:48,963 Hey, Daisy! 455 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,052 You know Daisy? MAN: Shut up. 456 00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:51,226 No? All right, okay, cool. 457 00:16:51,270 --> 00:16:52,227 Now, I walked around with "yum" 458 00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:53,229 on my butt all day. 459 00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:57,277 I deserve sex-- protected sex. 460 00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:01,889 Daisy...! 461 00:17:01,932 --> 00:17:03,979 Schmidt's right. 462 00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:06,067 I thought we could go back to the way things were, 463 00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:07,068 but we can't. 464 00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:09,115 You nailed my mouth... 465 00:17:09,157 --> 00:17:14,076 and you nailed it good and hard and strong. 466 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:15,295 Now things have changed. 467 00:17:15,337 --> 00:17:17,297 Okay, but they don't have to have changed. 468 00:17:17,339 --> 00:17:19,777 It's just different, Nick, it is. 469 00:17:19,820 --> 00:17:23,128 That kiss was the dumbest mistake I have ever made-- 470 00:17:23,172 --> 00:17:25,305 dumber than Caroline, dumber than law school, 471 00:17:25,347 --> 00:17:27,175 dumber than when I thought it was pronounced 472 00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:29,134 "Brock Omabrama." 473 00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:30,266 What? I thought 474 00:17:30,309 --> 00:17:32,094 his name was pronounced "Brock Oma..." 475 00:17:32,137 --> 00:17:33,095 It's not... 476 00:17:33,138 --> 00:17:35,096 If I could go back in time 477 00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:36,184 and take back the kiss, I would. 478 00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:39,318 I would take it back, I regret it. 479 00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,147 Congratulations, 480 00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:46,326 you're the proud owner of a new parking spot. 481 00:17:47,413 --> 00:17:49,720 Oh, you got to be kidding me. 482 00:17:49,763 --> 00:17:53,115 Jess, wait. 483 00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,290 You realize, every second 484 00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:57,118 that you don't run after her, you become more and more 485 00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,121 of a buttwad, don't you? 486 00:17:59,164 --> 00:18:00,296 Did you pee yourself? 487 00:18:00,339 --> 00:18:03,733 That I did, that I did. 488 00:18:08,608 --> 00:18:10,523 Jess. Hi. 489 00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:11,786 Hey, look... 490 00:18:11,828 --> 00:18:13,179 Why you holding a box of fish sticks? 491 00:18:13,221 --> 00:18:16,182 Because I'm going to go scare the feral cats away 492 00:18:16,224 --> 00:18:18,531 that live in my current parking spot, Nick. 493 00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,316 I'm going to throw fish sticks at them 494 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:23,537 while singing "Memory," and don't you dare criticize me. 495 00:18:23,579 --> 00:18:25,146 I don't regret kissing you. 496 00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:26,713 [sighs] 497 00:18:26,757 --> 00:18:29,368 I regret what it did, I regret that it made things weird. 498 00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:32,198 We are roommates, you know, we got to figure this out, Jess. 499 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:33,199 A no-nail oath? 500 00:18:33,241 --> 00:18:34,461 You thought I was going to sleep 501 00:18:34,503 --> 00:18:36,419 with one of you, like I just couldn't help it? 502 00:18:36,462 --> 00:18:39,727 It was me, Jess, I couldn't help it. 503 00:18:39,769 --> 00:18:41,163 [box drops] 504 00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:45,253 You dropped your fish sticks. 505 00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:47,256 Shut up, Nick. 506 00:18:49,301 --> 00:18:51,217 Ay, ay, ay. 507 00:18:51,259 --> 00:18:53,174 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 508 00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:55,568 We're having a conversation.Will you please get out of here? 509 00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:56,961 Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it? 510 00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:58,441 Because I live here, too, 511 00:18:58,484 --> 00:19:00,790 and I'm gonna be here when all of this goes to crap. 512 00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:02,183 Next time you guys have your dirty little thoughts 513 00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:03,271 about each other, you better be thinking 514 00:19:03,316 --> 00:19:04,185 about me, too, 515 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,536 because I ain't going nowhere. 516 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:10,018 You are literally sitting in a puddle of your own pee. 517 00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:14,369 The apartment 4D no-nail oath right here: 518 00:19:14,413 --> 00:19:16,285 "We, the undersigned, 519 00:19:16,328 --> 00:19:18,808 "agree never to nail our roommate Jessica Day 520 00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:21,289 "unless the sex can be parlayed into a business 521 00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:22,900 that provides for all parties involved." 522 00:19:22,943 --> 00:19:24,641 What? I didn't read the fine print. "If one 523 00:19:24,684 --> 00:19:28,689 "of the undersigned nails said female, 524 00:19:28,731 --> 00:19:30,256 well, then all must nail her." 525 00:19:30,298 --> 00:19:32,126 What?! I didn't know there was fine print. 526 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,606 What, what?! I didn't know there was fine... 527 00:19:33,650 --> 00:19:36,000 JESS: Let me be very clear here-- I am a strong, 528 00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,436 self-sufficient woman, 529 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,221 and I will not be nailing you, Schmidt, 530 00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:42,049 or Nick or Schmidt. 531 00:19:42,093 --> 00:19:43,442 Notice I said that twice 532 00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:45,401 because I don't feel it's sinking in. 533 00:19:45,444 --> 00:19:47,316 There will be no nails 534 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:49,926 or screws or hammers 535 00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:54,279 in this building area generally, the whole thing. 536 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:55,324 What, do you think 537 00:19:55,367 --> 00:19:56,325 that I want to do this? 538 00:19:56,368 --> 00:19:57,413 Believe me, pass. 539 00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:58,413 I just don't want my home 540 00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,111 turning into a den 541 00:20:00,154 --> 00:20:01,895 of sexual tension and lies. 542 00:20:01,939 --> 00:20:04,463 Now, do you want things to go back to normal or not? 543 00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:05,377 Yes.Yes, I do, but I... 544 00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:07,683 Then, I just have to kiss you. 545 00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,250 This is just one of those things-- let's just do it... 546 00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:10,296 No, I-I... 547 00:20:10,338 --> 00:20:12,253 ...get past it, we move on. 548 00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:13,255 I think that's a bad idea. 549 00:20:13,298 --> 00:20:14,473 Nick, you're into this, right? 550 00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:15,431 I don't know, might help. 551 00:20:15,474 --> 00:20:17,085 Are you serious? 552 00:20:17,127 --> 00:20:18,086 I don't know. 553 00:20:18,128 --> 00:20:19,260 Okay, fine, just get over here 554 00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:20,261 and do it and do it fast. 555 00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:22,263 I'll be a hero.Bring it on. 556 00:20:22,307 --> 00:20:25,048 Mmm... 557 00:20:25,093 --> 00:20:26,094 Aah. 558 00:20:26,136 --> 00:20:28,051 Ooh. No. 559 00:20:28,096 --> 00:20:29,880 No. Mistake. 560 00:20:29,923 --> 00:20:31,446 It was really a mistake.A big mi-- I made it weirder. 561 00:20:31,490 --> 00:20:35,145 Is everyone in the world having sex but me?! 562 00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:36,670 Old people, foreigners, 563 00:20:36,712 --> 00:20:37,452 nerds. 564 00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:39,193 Everyone's banging. 565 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,673 Schmidt and Jess?! 566 00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:42,066 Everyone is out there 567 00:20:42,109 --> 00:20:44,286 getting and giving except for old Winnie. 568 00:20:44,329 --> 00:20:45,505 Look at me-- 569 00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:48,682 a man who has absolutely nothing. 570 00:20:48,724 --> 00:20:50,770 I left my phone, my wallet, 571 00:20:50,814 --> 00:20:53,469 and my dignity at Daisy's house. 572 00:20:53,512 --> 00:20:56,124 I even left my pants there-- look at this. 573 00:20:56,166 --> 00:20:57,343 [all laughing]Yum. Yum. 574 00:20:57,385 --> 00:21:01,520 I need a win, damn it, I need a win. 575 00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:08,005 You need a win, pal. 576 00:21:08,048 --> 00:21:10,094 [laughs] 577 00:21:10,137 --> 00:21:11,226 Yeah. 578 00:21:11,269 --> 00:21:13,402 It's a little tight in here. 579 00:21:13,445 --> 00:21:15,143 Are you sure this isn't too tight? 580 00:21:19,538 --> 00:21:22,105 Okay, um... 581 00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:24,413 [car alarm blaring]Uh-uh, this ain't gonna work. 582 00:21:24,457 --> 00:21:25,761 This ain't gonna work for me. 583 00:21:25,806 --> 00:21:26,720 Uh, 584 00:21:26,762 --> 00:21:28,895 I'm stuck. 585 00:21:28,939 --> 00:21:30,984 Guys, hey, guys. 586 00:21:31,028 --> 00:21:32,377 Hey, where y'all...? 587 00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:39,210 Guys... guys, guys... hello?