1 00:00:02,218 --> 00:00:04,482 You know, maybe I found out too early. 2 00:00:04,525 --> 00:00:08,051 I was five years old when "Santa" gave me my own fire truck 3 00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:09,182 and a teddy bear that smelled 4 00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:10,923 like my dad's cigarettes. 5 00:00:10,967 --> 00:00:12,621 That's not Santa. 6 00:00:12,663 --> 00:00:15,102 I just believe things and go on believing them. 7 00:00:15,144 --> 00:00:17,234 Someone tells me a fat man's bringing me dolls every year, 8 00:00:17,277 --> 00:00:19,410 I just don't question it.You would've been my nightmare. 9 00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:21,542 We were on very strict instructions from Rabbi Schmulie 10 00:00:21,585 --> 00:00:23,065 not to say a word until the last 11 00:00:23,109 --> 00:00:25,068 Christian kid found out about Santa Claus. 12 00:00:25,111 --> 00:00:27,288 Ruining Christmas, very bad for our brand. 13 00:00:27,330 --> 00:00:29,115 Well, whether or not Santa's real, it's just 14 00:00:29,158 --> 00:00:30,464 nice to have something to believe in. 15 00:00:30,507 --> 00:00:33,337 Did you just say "whether or not Santa's real"? 16 00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,078 You don't believe in Santa Claus, do you? No. 17 00:00:35,121 --> 00:00:36,905 Do I wish Santa was real? 18 00:00:36,948 --> 00:00:39,082 I mean, yeah.Santa's not real, Winston. 19 00:00:39,125 --> 00:00:40,170 WINSTON: Shut up, stupid! You're a dummy! 20 00:00:40,213 --> 00:00:42,259 [stammering] 21 00:00:42,302 --> 00:00:45,174 So... and... I don't even c... 22 00:00:45,219 --> 00:00:47,307 Like, you're the... Okay, aw, here we go. 23 00:00:47,350 --> 00:00:49,136 You know what, look who's talking. You're the same guy 24 00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:50,527 who only eats mayonnaise on game days. 25 00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:52,313 Well, that's how you make the Chicago Bears win. 26 00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:53,923 Hey, Winnie, were you a good boy this year? 27 00:00:54,966 --> 00:00:55,924 Oh, really? 28 00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,100 Stop, guys, stop! 29 00:00:57,143 --> 00:00:58,274 SCHMIDT: Don't throw the cranberries! 30 00:00:58,319 --> 00:00:59,146 Get him! Stop! 31 00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:00,320 Hey! 32 00:01:00,363 --> 00:01:02,278 I don't mess around!No! 33 00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:03,454 Truce! Truce! Truce!Go for the eyes! 34 00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,239 Truce! Truce!Who's your Santa now? 35 00:01:05,281 --> 00:01:06,326 One got stuck in my ear. 36 00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:08,284 We got a cranberry in his ear. 37 00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:09,807 How is that even possible? 38 00:01:09,852 --> 00:01:11,114 Why don't you ask Santa Claus to take 39 00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:12,332 the cranberry out of your ear?Huh?! 40 00:01:12,376 --> 00:01:14,900 I said it got stuck in my ear! 41 00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:16,293 Truce! Truce! Truce! Truce! 42 00:01:16,337 --> 00:01:18,686 ♪ Who's that girl? 43 00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:21,210 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. 44 00:01:22,646 --> 00:01:25,346 [exhales] [whistles] 45 00:01:25,388 --> 00:01:28,000 These pieces don't make a full berry. 46 00:01:28,043 --> 00:01:30,219 There's definitely something still stuck in there. 47 00:01:30,263 --> 00:01:33,135 Hey, would anybody mind the airport tomorrow? 48 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,354 Full disclosure: 49 00:01:34,397 --> 00:01:36,573 it's out of San Diego at 3:00 a.m. 50 00:01:36,617 --> 00:01:39,359 So tonight's our last chance for a holiday hang-together? 51 00:01:39,402 --> 00:01:41,188 A group hang on the Saturday before Christmas? 52 00:01:41,230 --> 00:01:43,319 [loudly]: No, sorry, I can't tonight, Jess. Office party. 53 00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:45,192 There are literally millions of parties. It's a puzzle as... 54 00:01:45,234 --> 00:01:47,063 That's what you guys are talking about, right? 55 00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:48,543 I mean, it's not like I can hear anything, 56 00:01:48,585 --> 00:01:50,545 because I got a cranberry stuck in my ear! 57 00:01:50,587 --> 00:01:52,286 You're yelling.Huh? 58 00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:53,938 Slade and Sienna are having a house thing. 59 00:01:53,983 --> 00:01:56,203 Oshiro-San is serving whale meat after midnight. 60 00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:57,639 Huh? What y'all talking about?Shut up. 61 00:01:57,682 --> 00:01:59,858 Sadie is having a cookie-decorating party. 62 00:01:59,902 --> 00:02:01,730 The gorilla twins are having a thump-thump. 63 00:02:01,772 --> 00:02:03,600 Let's try to hit all the parties we can. 64 00:02:03,644 --> 00:02:07,082 Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay home and try not to call Sam. 65 00:02:07,126 --> 00:02:08,431 What'd you say?I'm gonna die alone. 66 00:02:08,475 --> 00:02:10,651 And merry Christmas. 67 00:02:10,694 --> 00:02:13,219 We have to hang out together.I hate that idea. 68 00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:14,350 I'll be designated driver. 69 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:15,612 I'm in. Okay, yeah, let's do it. 70 00:02:15,657 --> 00:02:17,527 The only way we make this work 71 00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:18,747 is if we do the Irish good-bye. 72 00:02:18,789 --> 00:02:21,183 We leave the parties without saying good-bye. 73 00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,490 And I'm asking you guys as my friends to not be 74 00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:25,406 so damn awkward around my stripper girlfriend, 75 00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:26,233 just 'cause she's a stripper. 76 00:02:26,276 --> 00:02:27,885 You are the most awkward. 77 00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,061 You should probably stop calling her your "stripper girlfriend." 78 00:02:29,104 --> 00:02:30,366 She's unpredictable and exciting, 79 00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:32,063 and I love that! 80 00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:33,413 Ol' Nick Miller 81 00:02:33,456 --> 00:02:35,764 lives on the edge now. Vroom! Vroom! 82 00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,112 And plus, 83 00:02:37,156 --> 00:02:38,896 we haven't had sex yet, and we might tonight. 84 00:02:38,941 --> 00:02:40,899 [grunting] 85 00:02:40,942 --> 00:02:42,074 I understood that! 86 00:02:42,117 --> 00:02:43,379 Oh, yeah! 87 00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:45,207 What'd you say, though? 88 00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:46,687 ♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪ 89 00:02:46,730 --> 00:02:49,256 ♪ My true love gave to me a partridge... ♪ 90 00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:51,388 Merry Christmas! 91 00:02:51,432 --> 00:02:52,389 Am I talking too loud? 92 00:02:52,432 --> 00:02:54,086 Schmidt?What? 93 00:02:54,129 --> 00:02:55,697 A word? What? 94 00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:58,395 You haven't said one word to Cece since she got in the car. 95 00:02:58,438 --> 00:02:59,614 I cannot believe that you invited her. 96 00:02:59,656 --> 00:03:01,223 She's my best friend. 97 00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:03,225 Hey, can I talk to you a little later?Oh, were you hoping that 98 00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,444 I still had some soul left for you to crush? 99 00:03:04,487 --> 00:03:06,402 I'm glad we're gonna be immature about this. 100 00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,405 Whoa, what happened there? 101 00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:11,234 Nothing. He told her that he loved her... 102 00:03:11,277 --> 00:03:12,453 Okay, I just want to spend the night 103 00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:14,455 making it with some fatty in an elf costume. 104 00:03:14,497 --> 00:03:15,673 Is that too much to ask for? 105 00:03:15,717 --> 00:03:17,371 Instead I'm stuck here 106 00:03:17,413 --> 00:03:19,415 at this lesbian cookie party. 107 00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:22,288 It's all wreaths, no trees. 108 00:03:22,331 --> 00:03:23,463 All right, Jess, 109 00:03:23,507 --> 00:03:24,769 you're on the clock; 110 00:03:24,812 --> 00:03:26,683 you have five minutes in this party black hole. 111 00:03:26,728 --> 00:03:28,382 Your friends are cool.Yeah, no, no, I like them. 112 00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:30,340 Yeah, they...I live with them. 113 00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:32,385 But being serious, it's been really fun. 114 00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:35,389 I'm glad we're hanging out and spending time together and all that good stuff. 115 00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:37,259 You know, to be completely honest, 116 00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:38,695 when I first met you, 117 00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,480 I didn't think that you could, you know, handle this. 118 00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:42,483 Handle what? The fact that you're a stripper? 119 00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:44,266 Me being... Yeah.Are you kidding? 120 00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:45,615 [laughs]: Me? Yeah. 121 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,444 Is it good? You're sweating a little bit. 122 00:03:47,487 --> 00:03:50,490 You know what, lady, I was born on the wrong side of the tracks. 123 00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:52,406 I've had tetanus thrice in my life. 124 00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:55,451 Ew.And look at what a badass cookie I made. 125 00:03:55,496 --> 00:03:57,324 That's the kind of cookie Nick Miller makes. 126 00:03:57,366 --> 00:03:58,498 Fine, look at my cookie. What? 127 00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:03,981 Yeah, but there are people here. 128 00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:06,376 Are you not into having sex around people? 129 00:04:06,419 --> 00:04:07,681 Who are you talking to? 130 00:04:07,724 --> 00:04:09,858 Yeah? I'm so open with sex, it's ridiculous. 131 00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:11,512 [forced laugh] 132 00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:13,383 You could at least take your coat off. 133 00:04:13,426 --> 00:04:14,514 [chuckles]: Oh, but I can't. 134 00:04:14,557 --> 00:04:16,516 Pastel walls give me the chills. 135 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,387 Hey.Hey. 136 00:04:19,519 --> 00:04:21,129 Oh, my God!What? 137 00:04:21,173 --> 00:04:22,348 What...It's Sam! It's Sam! Put your coats on. 138 00:04:22,391 --> 00:04:23,480 We're leaving.Sam Sam? Where? 139 00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:24,699 Yes, he's right over there. 140 00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:26,309 He's talking to a woman whose sexuality 141 00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:27,440 I won't jump to conclusions about. 142 00:04:27,483 --> 00:04:28,790 What a situation, huh, Jess? 143 00:04:28,832 --> 00:04:30,312 Forced to spend time with someone 144 00:04:30,356 --> 00:04:31,619 who ruthlessly rejected you 145 00:04:31,661 --> 00:04:33,707 after you told him how much you cared about him. 146 00:04:33,750 --> 00:04:35,492 Maybe...Damn, he looks good. 147 00:04:35,536 --> 00:04:37,319 just wants everyone to get along. 148 00:04:37,363 --> 00:04:39,148 Okay, if he wanted everybody to get along... 149 00:04:39,191 --> 00:04:41,542 I'm seriously freaking out right now. 150 00:04:41,584 --> 00:04:42,456 ...then hewouldn't have acted like such a callous lady jerk.Guys, I'm freaking out. 151 00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:43,673 Lady jerk? Lady jerk. 152 00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,240 Seriously freaking out right now. 153 00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:47,199 Duck! He's gonna see you.Ow. We have to get out 154 00:04:47,242 --> 00:04:48,591 of here, you guys. Where is everybody?Weirdo. 155 00:04:48,636 --> 00:04:51,377 WINSTON: Yeah, man, see, when a cranberry gets lodged 156 00:04:51,420 --> 00:04:53,379 in the ear, it hurts. Look. 157 00:04:53,423 --> 00:04:54,641 Psst, Winston.WINSTON: Hey! 158 00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:57,514 Do you guys know Sam's here?[whistles] 159 00:04:57,557 --> 00:04:58,776 Oh! 160 00:04:58,819 --> 00:05:00,690 Jess?We're Irish good-bye-ing. Go! Go! 161 00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,911 Go?Go, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! 162 00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:04,608 Go! Go! Go! 163 00:05:04,651 --> 00:05:06,567 JESS: All right, Schmidt, what's the address? 164 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,524 SCHMIDT: Get ready, last year this party had acrobats 165 00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:09,526 and caged snow leopards. 166 00:05:09,569 --> 00:05:10,918 WINSTON: What?! 167 00:05:10,961 --> 00:05:13,661 ♪ 168 00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:17,577 We're all here together. No drama. 169 00:05:17,620 --> 00:05:19,230 Not bad, Schmidt.Thank you. 170 00:05:19,274 --> 00:05:20,971 Are they just gonna play computer music all night? 171 00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,192 What are you talking about? That's a really respected deejay, 172 00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:24,627 who was also an actor on Boy Meets World. 173 00:05:24,672 --> 00:05:26,369 Hey, Jess. Whoa, Sam. What?! 174 00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:27,370 No! 175 00:05:27,413 --> 00:05:28,850 Why is this happening? No. 176 00:05:28,893 --> 00:05:29,502 Please, I need to talk...[hits glass door] Oh, God. 177 00:05:29,545 --> 00:05:30,417 No. Oh, my... 178 00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,026 Oh, I feel like a bird. 179 00:05:32,069 --> 00:05:33,375 Aw, that's just sad. 180 00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,769 How are you here?Winston told me 181 00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,858 where the party was in exchange for an ear exam. 182 00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:38,468 Winston told you what?! 183 00:05:38,512 --> 00:05:39,600 What? 184 00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:40,949 Jess, listen to me. 185 00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:43,254 I want you back, Jess. 186 00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:46,346 Oh. [grunts] 187 00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:48,478 Oh! 188 00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,264 Are none of these doors? 189 00:05:52,307 --> 00:05:53,439 Oh! 190 00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,750 So, what, he just wants a relationship now, out of the blue? 191 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,577 [loudly]: You never just dreamed about him crawling back to you? 192 00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:03,536 Anybody who's ever been dumped 193 00:06:03,579 --> 00:06:06,103 has dreamed about that special someone 194 00:06:06,148 --> 00:06:07,584 crawling their way back to them. 195 00:06:07,627 --> 00:06:09,673 I mean, come on, right? It's the dump fantasy. 196 00:06:09,716 --> 00:06:11,458 Let's workshop that term. 197 00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:12,459 Of course I have. 198 00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:13,589 We meet 199 00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:16,288 in a hospital, during wartime. 200 00:06:16,331 --> 00:06:18,855 You can forgive a lot during wartime. 201 00:06:18,899 --> 00:06:20,641 Thatis a fantasy, Jess. 202 00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:21,903 Okay, people don't change. 203 00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:23,644 They just think that they do. 204 00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:25,254 He's a player. Think about it. 205 00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:27,430 Why would a good-looking person ever become a doctor? 206 00:06:27,473 --> 00:06:29,127 SAM: Jess? 207 00:06:29,170 --> 00:06:30,694 Oh, my God! Go, go, go, go, go, go! 208 00:06:30,737 --> 00:06:31,956 Go, go, go. [groans] 209 00:06:32,521 --> 00:06:34,480 Door...Jess? 210 00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:38,441 Jess, uh, I don't know if you're in here. 211 00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:40,529 I just wanted to tell you that... 212 00:06:40,574 --> 00:06:42,444 [clears throat] I messed up. 213 00:06:42,488 --> 00:06:45,447 You know, I-I went to that party to see you. 214 00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:47,276 I knew you were gonna be there, 'cause I saw 215 00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,625 the comments on the Evite. 216 00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:52,499 "Amazeballs, can't wait." 217 00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,805 If you are here, I'm sorry if this sounds a little rehearsed. 218 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,545 This is the third room I've done this in. 219 00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:57,634 Hey, what's he saying? 220 00:06:57,677 --> 00:06:59,244 I want to hear...Shut up, Winston. 221 00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:00,115 Jess? 222 00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:01,985 Jess? Yep. 223 00:07:06,903 --> 00:07:08,252 No. 224 00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:09,646 You just think you can come back 225 00:07:09,689 --> 00:07:10,821 and I'm just gonna be waiting for you? 226 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:13,084 No, of course not. I mean... 227 00:07:13,127 --> 00:07:15,346 I had to at least try. 228 00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:17,393 You're too late. 229 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,829 I'm in love. 230 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,701 SAM: What? 231 00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:21,701 With Winston. 232 00:07:24,747 --> 00:07:25,619 SAM: What? 233 00:07:25,661 --> 00:07:27,185 We've lain together. 234 00:07:27,228 --> 00:07:28,535 No, yeah, I don't know how it happened. 235 00:07:28,577 --> 00:07:32,713 It just got stuck up there so far, so quickly. 236 00:07:32,755 --> 00:07:34,715 The relationship. 237 00:07:34,757 --> 00:07:35,759 WINSTON: You know, sometimes when we're hanging out, 238 00:07:35,802 --> 00:07:36,846 it can get a little rough. 239 00:07:36,891 --> 00:07:39,067 Oh, boy, does it. Yeah. 240 00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:40,677 All right. Well, I didn't know that, so... 241 00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:42,244 What's going on? I feel like I'm missing something. 242 00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:44,768 [Nick laughing] 243 00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:47,117 Snow time. [giggling] 244 00:07:47,161 --> 00:07:49,730 Hey, what are you doing? No, no, no. 245 00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,557 Hey, everything is so expensive here, Angie.[squeals] 246 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:52,906 Don't. Get off that thing. 247 00:07:52,949 --> 00:07:54,648 Why don't you get on? 248 00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,519 [bells jingling][chuckles] 249 00:07:56,562 --> 00:07:58,173 You know what? 250 00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:00,262 Get in the sleigh, girl. 251 00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:03,961 What happens in the sleigh? 252 00:08:04,004 --> 00:08:06,442 What happens in the sleigh 253 00:08:06,485 --> 00:08:08,923 is I'll be your reindeer...Uh-huh. 254 00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:12,622 and take your toys up in the sky. 255 00:08:12,665 --> 00:08:15,711 [giggles] Sexyness. 256 00:08:17,452 --> 00:08:19,629 [mouthing] 257 00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,935 Ooh! Ho ho ho! 258 00:08:21,978 --> 00:08:24,591 Here comes the chubby Santa boy! 259 00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:25,721 Get in here.[grunts] 260 00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:28,158 NICK: This is real. 261 00:08:28,202 --> 00:08:29,812 We are... This is... 262 00:08:29,856 --> 00:08:31,771 You are quick to the belt. 263 00:08:31,814 --> 00:08:32,642 Let's do this. 264 00:08:32,686 --> 00:08:34,644 You have been Taken. 265 00:08:34,687 --> 00:08:35,905 What's that? 266 00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,168 A nearly perfect Liam Neeson. 267 00:08:38,212 --> 00:08:39,692 NICK: Whoa! 268 00:08:39,735 --> 00:08:40,998 Oh, no! 269 00:08:41,042 --> 00:08:42,783 [Nick grunting] 270 00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,221 [Angie giggling, Nick groaning] 271 00:08:47,264 --> 00:08:48,571 NICK: No! This isn't... 272 00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:53,576 This is my nightmare! [grunting] 273 00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,234 Merry Christmas! 274 00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:00,714 Oh.[whistling] 275 00:09:00,756 --> 00:09:02,410 [grunts] 276 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,767 Hey. I know... I know you're trying to avoid me, 277 00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:14,162 but just take this gift I got you and I will walk away. 278 00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:16,599 I don't celebrate Christmas, okay? Or as I like to call it, 279 00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:19,514 White Anglo-Saxon Winter Privilege Night. 280 00:09:19,558 --> 00:09:20,734 I really want us to be friends. 281 00:09:20,777 --> 00:09:22,778 Whenever you're ready. 282 00:09:22,822 --> 00:09:24,215 Because I really do care about you. 283 00:09:24,259 --> 00:09:25,782 Thank you so much for this. 284 00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:28,263 'Cause this makes it so much better. 285 00:09:30,481 --> 00:09:33,485 Here. This is for you. 286 00:09:33,528 --> 00:09:35,792 SCHMIDT: What if you came home with me tonight? 287 00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:38,620 You look like a hot elf. 288 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:41,624 Hold still. Uh-huh. 289 00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,669 [sighs] Got it. 290 00:09:43,712 --> 00:09:45,802 Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, man. 291 00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:47,803 Now that I think about it, I mean, I'm not really 292 00:09:47,847 --> 00:09:49,326 surprised by you and... you know. 293 00:09:49,370 --> 00:09:51,241 I mean, three guy roommates. 294 00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:53,331 If I really am being honest with you, 295 00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:55,245 you were the only one that I was really threatened by. 296 00:09:55,289 --> 00:09:57,813 I mean, you got Metrosexual Jones 297 00:09:57,857 --> 00:09:59,510 and Sweatshirt Guy over there. 298 00:09:59,554 --> 00:10:00,990 Wait, what are we talking about here? 299 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,558 Yeah, I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. 300 00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:05,255 You know, except for the mustache. 301 00:10:05,299 --> 00:10:08,695 Can I ask you something? How did you get her? 302 00:10:10,130 --> 00:10:12,828 Oh... 303 00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:14,438 Hmm. 304 00:10:14,482 --> 00:10:16,658 Jess. 305 00:10:16,702 --> 00:10:19,879 Yes. [clears throat] Yes, my love. 306 00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:24,100 Honey, we both know we have been unhappy for far too long. 307 00:10:24,144 --> 00:10:27,844 I am not just a vehicle you get to ride to Pleasure Town. 308 00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:31,673 Be gone, honky! 309 00:10:31,717 --> 00:10:33,850 [quietly]: This is for your own good. 310 00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:36,200 Say good-bye to paradise, honey! 311 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,554 We were never going out. 312 00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:46,601 Yeah, I got that. 313 00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:51,562 I mean, Sam, what am I supposed to think? 314 00:10:51,606 --> 00:10:53,086 So what? I'm just supposed to believe you 315 00:10:53,129 --> 00:10:55,176 when all of a sudden you come back to me, 316 00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,394 you tell me you want to make it work? 317 00:10:57,438 --> 00:11:00,049 I-I want to believe you, but I just feel so... 318 00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:04,706 No! 319 00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:08,624 No! Why do you think you can just kiss me? 320 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:09,885 I thought that was the right... 321 00:11:09,929 --> 00:11:11,322 That's all this ever was to you. 322 00:11:11,365 --> 00:11:12,889 That's not true, Jess. No. 323 00:11:12,932 --> 00:11:15,892 No. I'm always so gullible, and I'm not doing it. 324 00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:17,501 I'm not doing it anymore. 325 00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:19,068 I'm done. 326 00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:20,897 Oh, I mean, I get it. 327 00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:23,812 I'm... I'm too late. I messed up. 328 00:11:23,856 --> 00:11:25,119 Yeah, you did. You messed up. 329 00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:27,207 Well, I'll leave you alone. Merry Christmas. 330 00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:28,644 No! 331 00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:30,994 I'm leaving you alone. 332 00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,739 I know... I know you do this kind of thing all the time, 333 00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:38,959 but believe it or not, I don't. 334 00:11:39,001 --> 00:11:40,524 What? What does that mean? 335 00:11:40,568 --> 00:11:43,005 Look, I know for you, this kind of stuff is normal. 336 00:11:43,049 --> 00:11:44,746 Oh. Doing it in sleds. 337 00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:46,618 And... This is because I'm a stripper. 338 00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:47,967 [laughing]: Yeah. 339 00:11:48,010 --> 00:11:49,099 Are you laughing at me? No. 340 00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:53,102 I'm laughing into me. 341 00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:55,626 Maybe you just can't handle this. No. It's great. 342 00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:57,933 You're a stripper for now. I'm a bartender for now. 343 00:11:57,977 --> 00:12:00,937 For now? We're not gonna be that for... 344 00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:02,634 Okay, well, for now, I'm just gonna walk away. 345 00:12:02,677 --> 00:12:04,941 For now, you can kiss my ass. 346 00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:09,293 Nick Miller-- turning lemonade into lemons since 1981. 347 00:12:14,254 --> 00:12:15,951 [sleigh bells jingling]WINSTON: Up on the housetop. 348 00:12:15,995 --> 00:12:17,692 Click, click, click. 349 00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:19,476 You know, I just want to say what's up to all 350 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,697 my girls in the county looking so lovely, 351 00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:24,481 like you always sometimes do. 352 00:12:24,525 --> 00:12:26,962 ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ 353 00:12:27,006 --> 00:12:28,878 ♪ Ho, ho, ho... 354 00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,793 Hey. Hey. 355 00:12:30,836 --> 00:12:32,576 What are you doing in this place? 356 00:12:32,620 --> 00:12:35,014 Um... 357 00:12:37,712 --> 00:12:41,020 And we're back, and I'm Dr. Gavin Daytona. 358 00:12:41,063 --> 00:12:43,980 You are live on the radio. We got a caller Wendy. 359 00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:45,807 You are on the phone with the doctor. What have you got? 360 00:12:45,851 --> 00:12:48,375 Hey. Hey, Doctor. 361 00:12:48,418 --> 00:12:51,682 This is Dr. Gavin. You're live to five million people. 362 00:12:51,726 --> 00:12:53,816 I actually, I-I had a guy...Oh, yeah, you did. 363 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,775 I really liked him. [singsongy]: Wah, wah! 364 00:12:58,038 --> 00:13:01,083 I'm right not to believe him, right? 365 00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:03,913 I don't know, actually. 366 00:13:03,956 --> 00:13:07,307 I think you're the kind of girl a guy would come back for. 367 00:13:09,048 --> 00:13:11,312 Buh, buh, buh. 368 00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:21,061 It was a bracelet. 369 00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:22,062 I don't even know what you're talking about. 370 00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:24,846 Tungsten carbide, because you said 371 00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:26,630 that was the most baller metal. 372 00:13:26,674 --> 00:13:28,197 That's what Statham wore in all the Transportermovies. 373 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:31,767 I just wanted to try to find a way to say thank you 374 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,812 for telling me that you loved me. 375 00:13:35,466 --> 00:13:38,033 Even if I was the wrong person. 376 00:13:38,077 --> 00:13:42,298 You're welcome, Cece. 377 00:13:43,299 --> 00:13:45,868 But love is stupid, okay? 378 00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:47,565 It is a lie. 379 00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:51,047 So, bah humbug to you, Cecilia. 380 00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:52,570 Bah humbug. 381 00:13:52,614 --> 00:13:54,921 Bah... 382 00:13:54,963 --> 00:13:56,748 humbug. 383 00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:59,011 ♪ Up on the housetop, click, click, click... ♪ 384 00:13:59,054 --> 00:14:00,883 Where is your girlfriend? 385 00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,363 I blew it. 386 00:14:02,405 --> 00:14:05,888 She's so out there and adventurous, 387 00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,976 and not afraid, and... 388 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:09,022 She's probably bored of me already. 389 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,719 I mean, she doesn't want to be here. 390 00:14:10,761 --> 00:14:13,068 Does Angie ever do anything 391 00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:14,765 she doesn't want to do? 392 00:14:14,809 --> 00:14:16,899 No.WINSTON: [distantly] ♪ Who wouldn't go? 393 00:14:16,942 --> 00:14:19,727 What's wrong with a girl that's fearless? I think that could 394 00:14:19,770 --> 00:14:21,903 be good for you, especially since you're such a chicken. 395 00:14:21,947 --> 00:14:24,951 [clucking Christmas song]Don't. 396 00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:31,347 Go get her. 397 00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,133 [grunting] 398 00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:35,613 [imitates chickens clucking] 399 00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:37,005 Is this on? [over speakers]: 400 00:14:37,049 --> 00:14:38,615 It's on. 401 00:14:38,659 --> 00:14:40,313 Right on. Cool. [laughs] 402 00:14:40,356 --> 00:14:43,099 [music stops]Um... Angie? 403 00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:46,928 that I'm an idiot. I just want to say publicly 404 00:14:46,972 --> 00:14:49,932 out there all the time. I couldn't just put myself 405 00:14:49,975 --> 00:14:52,020 It's too scary. 406 00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:55,110 but here goes. I'm not as brave as you, 407 00:14:55,154 --> 00:14:56,982 I'm very poor. 408 00:14:57,025 --> 00:14:59,636 would be an honor. Having a checking account 409 00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:01,116 I'm a writer. 410 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,903 It's terrible. I've written a zombie book. 411 00:15:05,164 --> 00:15:06,208 I'm a slow runner. 412 00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:09,168 I'm obsessed with karate. 413 00:15:09,211 --> 00:15:11,822 Yeah, yeah. 414 00:15:11,866 --> 00:15:13,782 in the world. You are the scariest thing 415 00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:17,133 to be going out with me. And you're so goofy 416 00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:18,961 And I don't want to... 417 00:15:19,004 --> 00:15:21,398 Thank you for... 418 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,445 Winston? 419 00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:26,969 a favor, homeboy? Why don't you do me 420 00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,884 Sorry I called you homeboy. 421 00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:31,059 But turn that damn music up. 422 00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:33,192 to get sexy up in here. 'Cause I'm about 423 00:15:33,235 --> 00:15:35,369 [intro to "Deck the Halls" plays] 424 00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:38,197 ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ 425 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:42,028 ♪ Fa la-la la-la, la, la, la, la ♪ 426 00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:44,159 ♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly... ♪ Sexy? 427 00:15:44,203 --> 00:15:45,422 No.Weird choice, but I'm going for it. 428 00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:47,597 ♪ Don we now our gay apparel... ♪ 429 00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:50,165 Would you give me a second chance? 430 00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:51,994 ♪ Fa la-la la-la, la, la, la, la ♪Yes. 431 00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:54,169 Good. See, I know what sexy is. 432 00:15:54,213 --> 00:15:55,998 What's happening?And I'm gonna show you 433 00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,129 what kind of... 434 00:15:57,173 --> 00:15:59,000 Huh? Oh. 435 00:15:59,044 --> 00:16:02,177 Oh, no, no. Oh, okay. 436 00:16:02,221 --> 00:16:04,005 [grunting]Is this, is this a lap dance? 437 00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:05,094 This... 438 00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:08,357 This isn't happening. Oh, God. 439 00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:09,620 [laughs] 440 00:16:09,663 --> 00:16:12,231 ♪ Follow me in merry measure... ♪ 441 00:16:12,274 --> 00:16:14,451 Oh, yeah, that-that's the stuff. 442 00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:17,019 That-That's kind of the stuff. 443 00:16:17,062 --> 00:16:19,195 Sexy. 444 00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:21,501 ♪ Fast away the old year passes ♪ 445 00:16:21,544 --> 00:16:23,243 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪ 446 00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:25,809 Let me show you how to do it. 447 00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:27,028 ♪ Ye lads and lasses 448 00:16:27,072 --> 00:16:29,205 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 449 00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:31,250 ♪ Sing we joyous all together 450 00:16:31,293 --> 00:16:35,168 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 451 00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:38,126 ♪ Heedless of the wind and weather ♪ 452 00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:40,825 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪ 453 00:16:40,869 --> 00:16:43,219 Okay, Angie, Angie, you're doing it all wrong. 454 00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:44,220 Okay, honey? 455 00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:45,047 Let me just... 456 00:16:46,308 --> 00:16:48,528 Eye contact. 457 00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:51,836 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪ 458 00:16:51,879 --> 00:16:54,143 What are you doing?You are as dumb as it gets. 459 00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:57,145 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 460 00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:59,105 ♪ Don we now our gay a... 461 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,282 WINSTON: What the hell?CECE: What are you doing? 462 00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:05,240 I just... I-I'm sorry, I think I made a mistake about Sam. 463 00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:07,113 I think I need to turn around.SCHMIDT: No, you didn't, Jess. 464 00:17:07,155 --> 00:17:08,679 You did the right thing.You're right, you're right. 465 00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:12,769 [siren chirps]Aah, no! Oh, come on. 466 00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:14,729 JESS: No, no, no. 467 00:17:14,771 --> 00:17:16,296 [groans] 468 00:17:16,338 --> 00:17:18,079 No, no, no, no.WINSTON: We are so busted. 469 00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,733 Oh, Jess, you reek of booze. 470 00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:22,258 Winston threw a drink on me. 471 00:17:22,301 --> 00:17:23,519 CECE: Turn on the waterworks.NICK: Just take the jacket off. 472 00:17:23,564 --> 00:17:25,260 WINSTON: We are so busted. 473 00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:26,914 There's two of you? Come on, I thought we were 474 00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:28,134 in the middle of a budget crisis. 475 00:17:28,176 --> 00:17:29,178 JESS: Officer, I understand 476 00:17:29,221 --> 00:17:31,093 how this looks and smells, 477 00:17:31,136 --> 00:17:34,227 but I assure you, I would not ever get behind the wheel 478 00:17:34,269 --> 00:17:37,925 of a vehicle if I had had even a drop to drink. 479 00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:40,319 This has just been the most crazy night. 480 00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,278 [voice breaking]: And I'm not going to cry 481 00:17:42,322 --> 00:17:45,193 because I believe in traffic violations 482 00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:47,892 and paying your debt to society, but you have 483 00:17:47,935 --> 00:17:50,112 to believe...I believe you. 484 00:17:51,156 --> 00:17:52,114 You do? 485 00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,116 Why?Jess, be cool. 486 00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:57,292 Sometimes people tell the truth. 487 00:17:57,336 --> 00:17:58,772 You drive safely, 488 00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:01,340 and happy holidays. 489 00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:04,996 [sighs] 490 00:18:05,039 --> 00:18:06,737 [chuckles] 491 00:18:06,780 --> 00:18:08,347 Was that...?Santa. 492 00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:09,609 Black Santa. We saw Santa. 493 00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,612 It was Black Santa.[overlapping chatter] 494 00:18:11,654 --> 00:18:13,308 Santa Claus isn't even real. 495 00:18:13,353 --> 00:18:15,049 We got a black president, we got a black Santa Claus. 496 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,921 It was not Black Santa Claus! 497 00:18:16,964 --> 00:18:19,315 What a-- that's ludicrous. 498 00:18:19,358 --> 00:18:20,621 I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. 499 00:18:20,663 --> 00:18:22,144 Now, what is he doing? 500 00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:23,840 He should be at home getting ready. 501 00:18:23,884 --> 00:18:25,146 I believe. 502 00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,150 I believe Sam 503 00:18:28,193 --> 00:18:29,368 and I want to go see him. 504 00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:31,153 To the Black North Pole! 505 00:18:31,196 --> 00:18:32,372 [overlapping chatter]We saw Black Santa. 506 00:18:32,414 --> 00:18:34,287 Black Santa Claus?! 507 00:18:34,329 --> 00:18:36,332 I am so sick of hanging out with Christians. 508 00:18:36,375 --> 00:18:38,377 This is my last Christian Christmas. 509 00:18:42,772 --> 00:18:44,165 Hi, um, I'm here to see, um... Do you have 510 00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:46,298 family members in the hospital? Uh, no, uh... 511 00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:47,865 Then, you're not here to see anyone. 512 00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:50,259 Visiting hours are over. It's Christmas. 513 00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,525 Okay, new plan. 514 00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,180 We're carolers.[overlapping chatter] 515 00:18:58,223 --> 00:18:59,224 Gum? 516 00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:04,185 Boobs? 517 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,188 Thank you. 518 00:19:06,231 --> 00:19:08,798 FYI, I'm totally fine with what just happened. 519 00:19:10,365 --> 00:19:11,801 Schmidt, let's go, let's go. 520 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,847 Look. 521 00:19:18,068 --> 00:19:19,854 Jess, I still think this is a mistake. 522 00:19:19,896 --> 00:19:21,463 I mean, what if he hurts you again? 523 00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:23,117 Sometimes people tell the truth, Schmidt. 524 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,467 Oh, thank you, Professor Cliché, 525 00:19:24,510 --> 00:19:26,076 just in time for the holidays. 526 00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:28,863 Hold it. Oh, okay, well, we should... 527 00:19:28,905 --> 00:19:30,169 [clearing throat]: Um, madrigals. 528 00:19:31,299 --> 00:19:35,304 ♪ O come, all ye faithful 529 00:19:35,347 --> 00:19:39,002 ALL [out of sync]: ♪ Joyful and triumphant 530 00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,441 [all singing different lyrics] 531 00:19:41,483 --> 00:19:45,314 ♪ Matzo ball, Star of David, Hanukkah ♪ 532 00:19:45,357 --> 00:19:47,185 ♪ Gotta do what you wanna do when you do it ♪ ♪ Menorah 533 00:19:48,273 --> 00:19:50,101 ♪ Come 534 00:19:50,144 --> 00:19:51,277 [all singing different lyrics] 535 00:19:51,319 --> 00:19:55,454 ♪ I don't know the words 536 00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:58,326 ♪ I don't know the words... ♪ 537 00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:02,288 [all singing different lyrics] 538 00:20:02,330 --> 00:20:06,029 ♪ I don't... 539 00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:08,510 ♪ Know 540 00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:10,512 ♪ The 541 00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:17,390 ♪ Wor... 542 00:20:17,432 --> 00:20:18,913 ♪ ...rds-ah! 543 00:20:18,955 --> 00:20:20,480 [cheering] 544 00:20:20,522 --> 00:20:22,046 Good stuff.All right. 545 00:20:22,089 --> 00:20:23,613 Yeah, thanks so much.Thank you very much. 546 00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:25,441 SAM: Okay, okay, everyone, back in your rooms. 547 00:20:25,484 --> 00:20:27,355 It's okay, I know these people. 548 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,356 It's okay.All right. 549 00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:30,316 Thank you. 550 00:20:30,358 --> 00:20:31,708 You came back. 551 00:20:31,751 --> 00:20:34,319 Yeah, um... 552 00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:35,407 Jess, I know that you don't believe me, 553 00:20:35,451 --> 00:20:37,932 but when we met, I... 554 00:20:37,974 --> 00:20:39,977 this girl had screwed me up. 555 00:20:46,201 --> 00:20:47,897 I believe you. 556 00:20:49,551 --> 00:20:54,339 ♪ My friends wanna know how it came to be that, ooh ♪ 557 00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:56,298 NICK: All right, you're in a hospital, so... 558 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:57,559 A lot of hands. 559 00:20:57,604 --> 00:20:59,432 All right, Doctor, ease up, ease up. 560 00:20:59,474 --> 00:21:02,521 ♪ 'Cause I caught Santa under my tree... ♪ 561 00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:03,653 Cab it to the next party? 562 00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:05,351 Yes. 563 00:21:05,394 --> 00:21:07,395 Cece, do you want to come? 564 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,702 I mean, I think there's a cab stand, uh... 565 00:21:09,746 --> 00:21:11,748 Uh, maybe it's down that way. 566 00:21:11,791 --> 00:21:14,446 Could be over there, I don't know. 567 00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:16,926 I didn't really give it away, you know. 568 00:21:16,971 --> 00:21:18,232 I'd never do that. 569 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:19,886 Happy Hanukkah. 570 00:21:19,930 --> 00:21:21,192 Happy Moon Festival, Cece. 571 00:21:21,236 --> 00:21:22,237 Nope, not a thing. 572 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,542 Happy Carnaval. 573 00:21:23,586 --> 00:21:24,500 You should stop while you're ahead. 574 00:21:24,544 --> 00:21:28,461 Uh, where are Nick and Angie? 575 00:21:28,503 --> 00:21:30,941 Ugh, in a children's hospital. 576 00:21:30,984 --> 00:21:32,508 Sexual animals, sexual animals. 577 00:21:32,551 --> 00:21:39,427 Shameless, just shameless. 578 00:21:39,471 --> 00:21:40,472 Captioned by access.wgbh.orgoup at WGBH