1 00:00:01,522 --> 00:00:02,698 I can't believe they're playing these old matches. 2 00:00:02,741 --> 00:00:05,179 Man, these were legendary.Camel clutch! 3 00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:06,179 Schmidt, that's not a camel clutch.Ah, here we go. 4 00:00:06,222 --> 00:00:07,094 That is a camel clutch. 5 00:00:07,136 --> 00:00:10,053 Gentlemen, hi. 6 00:00:10,096 --> 00:00:11,663 I'd just like a moment of your time. 7 00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:13,448 Jess, you can't turn that off.If I may. 8 00:00:13,490 --> 00:00:16,146 [men chatter, groan]I have a word that's gonna change your life. 9 00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:17,234 The answer is already "no." 10 00:00:17,277 --> 00:00:18,844 Bathtub. Bathtub's two words. 11 00:00:18,888 --> 00:00:20,890 It's one word.Bathtub is two words. 12 00:00:20,932 --> 00:00:21,847 How come I'm James Brown? 13 00:00:21,890 --> 00:00:23,065 When you don't smile 14 00:00:23,109 --> 00:00:24,153 for my pictures, you get replaced. 15 00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:25,111 You come home 16 00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:27,114 after a long, hard day at work. 17 00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:29,289 Tired.You want to relax, but how? 18 00:00:29,332 --> 00:00:30,420 How about soaking 19 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,902 in a glorious bubbly pool for one? 20 00:00:32,945 --> 00:00:35,905 Sipping the nectar of the gods. 21 00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:37,079 I don't get it-- is this bath water? 22 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,472 Might as well be; it's rosé. 23 00:00:38,515 --> 00:00:39,951 Burn notice, France. 24 00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:44,087 Now that I'm working again,Don't do this. 25 00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:45,131 I'd really love to come home 26 00:00:45,174 --> 00:00:46,481 and soak in a beautiful bathtub. 27 00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:49,527 Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons-- pass. 28 00:00:49,570 --> 00:00:51,311 Yeah, it's a waste of money, Jess. 29 00:00:51,354 --> 00:00:54,792 I'm not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes. 30 00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:55,533 Loft vote. 31 00:00:55,576 --> 00:00:57,100 No. No. 32 00:00:57,143 --> 00:00:59,232 Feel like I'm at a garden party, haven't even left home. 33 00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:01,017 Winston, what are you talking about-- loft vote, no. 34 00:01:01,060 --> 00:01:02,496 What, yeah, no, duh, of course.Raise your hand. 35 00:01:02,539 --> 00:01:05,108 Okay, you know what-- loft vote...MEN: Nay. 36 00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:06,891 Loft vote.MEN: Nay. 37 00:01:06,936 --> 00:01:08,763 wrestling back on. Loft vote, I'm turning 38 00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:09,807 Yeah. Yeah. 39 00:01:09,852 --> 00:01:11,680 Camel clutch! Camel clutch!No. 40 00:01:11,722 --> 00:01:14,290 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Who's that girl?♪ 41 00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:15,944 ♪ It's Jess. 42 00:01:17,337 --> 00:01:18,774 [sighs] 43 00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:19,861 [whistles] 44 00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:22,168 Hey, Schmidt. 45 00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:24,126 Ooh, hey. Want to pitch on the new Double V campaign? 46 00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:25,519 I'm all about the Double V-- what is that? 47 00:01:25,563 --> 00:01:26,563 It's a new vodka, yeah. 48 00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:28,478 Filled with vitamins-- Double V? 49 00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:29,740 What do you think? 50 00:01:29,784 --> 00:01:30,915 You know, I've never been considered 51 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,134 to run an account before. 52 00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:35,704 Wait a... Wait, is this just... 53 00:01:35,746 --> 00:01:38,271 Is this because we used to... bingity-bangity? 54 00:01:38,314 --> 00:01:39,533 No, of course not. 55 00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:42,710 Take a look at the specs 56 00:01:42,753 --> 00:01:44,973 and come into my office tomorrow in your best suit, 57 00:01:45,016 --> 00:01:47,323 and, uh, blow me away with your take. 58 00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:49,239 My best suit-- I can put on my best suit. 59 00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,242 Okay. 60 00:01:54,591 --> 00:01:57,725 Wasted project, Nick, huh? 61 00:01:57,769 --> 00:01:59,206 Herringbone?! 62 00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,338 How did you get in here? 63 00:02:09,432 --> 00:02:10,739 JESS: To Schmidt. 64 00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:12,348 Sleeping his way to the top. 65 00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,134 Cheers to me. 66 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:16,745 NICK: I hope you like it. 67 00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:18,573 I poured that one for you. 68 00:02:18,615 --> 00:02:21,228 Drink it up. 69 00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:22,751 This is coming off weird-- it's creepy, right? 70 00:02:22,794 --> 00:02:23,838 Go get her.I can't do that. 71 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:26,188 I can't talk to Thirsty.Thirsty? 72 00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,191 I don't know her name, so I call her Thirsty. 73 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:30,236 Thirsty Mendelson.Oh, you made her Jewish? 74 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,368 I didn't make her Jewish.Mendelson? She's not Jewish? 75 00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,240 Well, Thirsty.If her last name's Mendelson, she's Jewish. 76 00:02:34,283 --> 00:02:36,286 Tell you what her first name is, too-- it's Rachel. 77 00:02:36,329 --> 00:02:38,200 Get out of my head-- you're kind of ruining 78 00:02:38,245 --> 00:02:39,288 my thing right now. 79 00:02:39,332 --> 00:02:40,203 What I have with Thirsty is perfect. 80 00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,204 She's surly like I'm surly, 81 00:02:42,248 --> 00:02:43,814 and she rolls her eyes at everybody 82 00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:45,425 like I roll my eyes at everybody. 83 00:02:45,468 --> 00:02:47,819 She likes to drink in the afternoon. 84 00:02:47,862 --> 00:02:49,299 And I like to drink in the afternoon. 85 00:02:49,343 --> 00:02:51,213 Go talk to her.No, I can't. 86 00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:52,301 That breaks the first rule 87 00:02:52,346 --> 00:02:54,390 of bartending-- never cross the bar. 88 00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:57,394 'Cause once you cross the bar, it gets messy. 89 00:02:57,437 --> 00:02:59,700 [shouts] Rudy just wants her $200 back. 90 00:02:59,743 --> 00:03:02,224 Come on, neither of you has the right bra for this. 91 00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:03,661 Excuse me, have you seen Rhonda? 92 00:03:03,705 --> 00:03:06,229 Have you seen the ferret lady? 93 00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:07,838 Why am I doing this?! 94 00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,407 [shrieking] 95 00:03:10,450 --> 00:03:12,278 Never cross the bar. 96 00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:14,455 Your rules have gotten you so far. 97 00:03:14,497 --> 00:03:16,239 Classic Nick Miller.You got it. 98 00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,545 Jess. 99 00:03:17,587 --> 00:03:19,372 You want to help me at the jukebox really quick? 100 00:03:19,415 --> 00:03:21,635 Oh, my God, yes-- I've always wanted to do this with you. 101 00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:23,593 Well, I was gonna go "Raspberry Beret," but... 102 00:03:23,638 --> 00:03:25,335 You know, if we're gonna go Prince, I think we should go, like-- 103 00:03:25,378 --> 00:03:28,163 Jess, I want to talk to you about your bathtub pitch. 104 00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:29,295 I love baths-- I do. 105 00:03:29,338 --> 00:03:32,385 Back in Latvia, we had a great tub. 106 00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:38,870 But I tell you what-- there are parts of my butt 107 00:03:38,913 --> 00:03:40,349 only a tub can clean. 108 00:03:40,394 --> 00:03:41,437 Ew, but okay! 109 00:03:41,481 --> 00:03:42,743 Okay, here's what we're gonna do, 110 00:03:42,787 --> 00:03:44,266 so the guys don't know. 111 00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:45,354 We're gonna split the 400 bucks for the tub. 112 00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:46,747 Then we can hide it on the roof 113 00:03:46,790 --> 00:03:48,836 and install it in the middle of the night, and then 114 00:03:48,879 --> 00:03:51,187 we can just pretend like you did it without our permission. 115 00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:52,319 Or we could just... 116 00:03:52,361 --> 00:03:53,884 say that you wanted a tub, too. 117 00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:56,758 How about we just keep this a Jess and Winston thing? 118 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,281 [exhaling] 119 00:03:58,324 --> 00:03:59,500 Hey, Cece, you okay?Yeah, I'm good. 120 00:03:59,543 --> 00:04:01,371 I'm good; just broke up with Robby. 121 00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:04,461 I'll make you a drink. 122 00:04:04,504 --> 00:04:06,157 What ha... what happened? Um, 123 00:04:06,201 --> 00:04:08,639 I told him I had to start getting serious 124 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:12,338 about having kids and he said, "Okay, that's cool." 125 00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:16,125 But then that's all he said for the next eight hours, 126 00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:19,302 and he hasn't said anything to me since. 127 00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:20,302 So terrible. 128 00:04:20,346 --> 00:04:21,303 I just, I can't even... 129 00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,305 Mm-hmm. Wow. 130 00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,654 I mean that's... But I mean... 131 00:04:24,699 --> 00:04:27,483 There's... cool. It's cool. 132 00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:30,444 'Cause you're single. You're single.Really subtle stuff. 133 00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:32,663 She's single now; technically, you're single... are you not single? Schmidt! 134 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,143 I have to get serious about my future, 135 00:04:34,185 --> 00:04:36,231 otherwise my mom is going to set me up 136 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,538 with a hundred sweet, gentle, painfully boring Indian guys. 137 00:04:38,581 --> 00:04:40,322 Oh, my God, your mother. 138 00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:42,411 [imitating the mother]: I want to control your life. 139 00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:44,153 That's how my parents met and they had 140 00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:45,459 a beautiful, healthy marriage. 141 00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:47,461 I respe-- I respect your parents-- I do. 142 00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:49,680 I respect everything that-- look what they've created. 143 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,161 Look at that... look at your beauty, with your hair. 144 00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:54,206 I'd eat it out of a bowl, your hair. 145 00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:56,382 I'd put it in a bowl and I'd eat your hair. 146 00:04:56,425 --> 00:04:57,774 CECE: Oh, my God. 147 00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:00,690 [laughs] 148 00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,345 Hey, Cece. 149 00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:05,173 I-I know it's unexpected that I'm here. 150 00:05:05,216 --> 00:05:07,567 It's because I wanted to tell you something. 151 00:05:08,524 --> 00:05:10,396 You're my boo. 152 00:05:10,439 --> 00:05:12,399 You're my boo and I'm... and I'm... 153 00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:14,444 and I'm... I been missing you. 154 00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:18,274 I been missing you oh, so long. 155 00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:20,189 You know what's weird? I don't find this weird anymore.What are you-- 156 00:05:20,231 --> 00:05:22,146 What's your problem, Nick-- how long you been standing there? 157 00:05:22,190 --> 00:05:23,584 How much of that did you hear? 158 00:05:24,584 --> 00:05:26,586 I'm in love, man. 159 00:05:26,629 --> 00:05:28,153 I'm in love with Cece. 160 00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:29,589 Yeah, everyone knows that, you dumb-ass. 161 00:05:29,632 --> 00:05:31,721 You always have been.I gotta tell her, man. 162 00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:33,288 Well, you should do that, Schmidty, that sounds great. 163 00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:35,465 Do I have your blessing?Do you have myblessing? 164 00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:37,553 Yeah. I don't think you need my blessing, big guy. 165 00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,774 Just kind of do your thing.I would like your blessing. You're my best friend. 166 00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:42,211 I want your blessing.Schmidt, fine, you got my blessing, okay? Just... 167 00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:43,386 What is this? 168 00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:46,302 Give me a hug. Give me a hug. I need this. 169 00:05:49,130 --> 00:05:51,175 Come on, please, give me, give me a hug, Nick. 170 00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,353 Please, just give me a hug! I want-- Ow! 171 00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:57,225 Good stuff. 172 00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,576 Thank you, Nick.Come on! 173 00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:02,187 All right, looks good-- no leaks. 174 00:06:02,230 --> 00:06:03,406 We did it. 175 00:06:03,449 --> 00:06:05,581 Yeah, we did. 176 00:06:05,625 --> 00:06:08,192 [groaning]Oh, my God! 177 00:06:08,237 --> 00:06:09,586 Oh, my God. Are you seri--It's flooding! 178 00:06:09,629 --> 00:06:11,413 Do something! JESS: No, no, no, no, no! 179 00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:15,069 JESS: I've never wished I was dead more. 180 00:06:15,112 --> 00:06:17,420 Schmidt's gonna freak out. 181 00:06:19,247 --> 00:06:20,814 He once told me he spent $300 182 00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:22,293 on a pocket square. 183 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,862 [yelling]: No! 184 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,127 Am I overreacting? 185 00:06:29,170 --> 00:06:30,127 Eh, that's about right. 186 00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:35,481 There you go-- good as new. 187 00:06:35,524 --> 00:06:38,266 [groans] 188 00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:41,052 So, I've, uh, handled this one-man job; 189 00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:43,271 any two-man jobs you want us to tackle? 190 00:06:43,314 --> 00:06:44,665 I think we're good. Thanks, Remy. 191 00:06:44,707 --> 00:06:47,057 You sure there's not something else that needs fixing? 192 00:06:47,101 --> 00:06:49,713 Maybe in the... lady's bedroom? 193 00:06:51,497 --> 00:06:52,759 [softly screeches] 194 00:06:52,802 --> 00:06:55,153 Uh, yeah, I think we're done-- thank you, Remy. 195 00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:57,677 I will return your ladder when I feel like it. 196 00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:59,461 Thank you, bye. [slams door]What? 197 00:06:59,505 --> 00:07:00,593 He's so weird. 198 00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:02,596 Um, okay, so, phase two. 199 00:07:02,639 --> 00:07:05,685 Didn't Schmidt make us get renter's insurance 200 00:07:05,728 --> 00:07:07,687 when he almost tore down that rafter with the sex swing? 201 00:07:07,730 --> 00:07:10,081 Jess, we fake a robbery. 202 00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:11,735 We fake a robbery for the insurance. 203 00:07:11,778 --> 00:07:12,954 That's a great idea. 204 00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,041 We're a couple of meth-heads. 205 00:07:14,084 --> 00:07:15,478 Oh, yeah. Boom. 206 00:07:15,521 --> 00:07:17,524 [deeper voice]: Got any meth? 207 00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,526 Got any rings on your fingers? 208 00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:21,963 I need them for meth. 209 00:07:22,005 --> 00:07:24,747 Get it all, get it all, get it all, get it all, get it all. 210 00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:26,663 Whoa! Do we have to steal my moustache trimmer? 211 00:07:26,706 --> 00:07:29,752 This is worth three bowls of sweet, sweet meth. 212 00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,973 [raspy breath] [laughs] 213 00:07:32,016 --> 00:07:33,103 All right. This? This? No. 214 00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:34,627 No. This? 215 00:07:34,670 --> 00:07:36,411 I just don't think the meth-heads 216 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,718 would want anything in this room. 217 00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:40,937 What about this? 218 00:07:40,981 --> 00:07:42,504 A land line? 219 00:07:42,548 --> 00:07:45,159 To me, it looks like a meth sandwich. 220 00:07:45,202 --> 00:07:47,204 Don't hog all the meth, daddy. 221 00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:49,685 Did you hit this already? 222 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,382 No, did you? No. 223 00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:54,865 WOMAN: What are you doing? 224 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,127 You're smothering me, all right? 225 00:07:56,170 --> 00:07:57,519 MAN: I'm done with this! 226 00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:58,956 [man continues]WOMAN: At least leave your wallet! 227 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,610 I'm out of here! [groans] 228 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:24,372 Would you like a whiskey? 229 00:08:24,415 --> 00:08:25,678 What?I said that 230 00:08:25,721 --> 00:08:27,593 because I know you like whiskey. 231 00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:30,204 You're a whiskey girl, like me. 232 00:08:30,247 --> 00:08:32,729 You're a whiskey girl? 233 00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,774 I'm Nick. 234 00:08:34,817 --> 00:08:36,341 I'm Angie. 235 00:08:36,384 --> 00:08:38,778 [laughs]: Angie... Angie, Angie. 236 00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:39,909 Well, what are you standing there for? 237 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:42,173 Go grab a bottle and get me drunk, idiot. 238 00:08:42,216 --> 00:08:44,567 Well, I-I couldn't drink with you-- I work here. 239 00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:46,350 Just kidding, I get drunk, like, all the time. 240 00:08:46,394 --> 00:08:47,701 I've got a drinking thing. 241 00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,832 You got it. 242 00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:55,360 I also have all the access to pistachios if you want, like, a full... 243 00:08:55,403 --> 00:08:56,710 I'll make my own mind up on that. 244 00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:01,018 SCHMIDT: He took my doctor's appointment suit! 245 00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:03,193 He took El Capitan! 246 00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:04,760 [door slams]Damn it! 247 00:09:04,804 --> 00:09:05,936 The only thing he left was my summer suit 248 00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,590 with the lightning bolt on the back. 249 00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:10,158 I keep that in my summer bin along with 250 00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:12,028 my summer condoms-- citrus-flavored, 251 00:09:12,072 --> 00:09:13,856 for a more refreshing summer experience. 252 00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:15,684 That's a jar...yeah.Jar for sure, yeah. 253 00:09:17,294 --> 00:09:19,775 Look at this-- took my suits. 254 00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:20,821 Left the... left the douche bag jar. 255 00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:22,082 Typical meth-head. 256 00:09:22,125 --> 00:09:24,302 Typical meth-head.Yeah, it's a shame. 257 00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:25,607 Good thing that I have a security camera in there. 258 00:09:25,652 --> 00:09:27,261 I'm gonna download the footage 259 00:09:27,304 --> 00:09:28,610 and I.D. this S.O.B. 260 00:09:28,654 --> 00:09:30,091 He's going down. 261 00:09:32,658 --> 00:09:35,009 NICK: I respect the amount you drink-- oh, FYI these drinks 262 00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:36,226 aren't free.Wow, well, joke's 263 00:09:36,270 --> 00:09:37,750 on you 'cause Mike left 264 00:09:37,793 --> 00:09:38,794 with all my money. 265 00:09:38,838 --> 00:09:40,014 Oh, really! 266 00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:41,798 Then how are you gonna pay for the drinks? 267 00:09:41,841 --> 00:09:44,408 Oh... probably with sex? 268 00:09:44,452 --> 00:09:45,409 [spits] 269 00:09:45,453 --> 00:09:46,976 [laughs] 270 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,804 Sorry... 271 00:09:48,849 --> 00:09:50,850 That is not pretty. 272 00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:52,068 Well... 273 00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:53,809 I was gonna let you have sex with Mike. 274 00:09:53,854 --> 00:09:55,855 Oh... What? It's good. 275 00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,988 That was an old switcheroo. 276 00:09:58,032 --> 00:10:00,774 I just want to say you two, uh... 277 00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,123 What? 278 00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:03,690 No, I don't want to say.Come on, what? 279 00:10:03,732 --> 00:10:05,474 I don't want to say. I don't feel like it's--No, say it. 280 00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:07,736 The point is it's not my...What are you afraid of? 281 00:10:07,780 --> 00:10:09,696 You're thinking it--I'm not afraid of it, but... He's kind of an ass-- damn it! 282 00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:12,828 That's-- You think I should break up with Mike? 283 00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:15,091 No, no, that is not my place to... 284 00:10:15,135 --> 00:10:17,485 Well, you did; it is your place...But I've been drinking with you, 285 00:10:17,528 --> 00:10:20,663 and I feel like you're luring me in... Dump his ass!...who are you-- 286 00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:25,537 Damn it. 287 00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,756 I can't believe you'd say that to me. 288 00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:28,932 You should mind your own business. 289 00:10:30,846 --> 00:10:32,761 So many years of footage. 290 00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:33,980 This is from last May. 291 00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:35,851 I was trying to add an extra ab muscle. 292 00:10:35,895 --> 00:10:37,158 Jess, I can't take this... 293 00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:38,855 This is when I was experimenting with faux hawks. 294 00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:41,336 I can't, I can't, I can't take it, Jess.You can. 295 00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:42,859 You're gonna blow this.My face is numb. 296 00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:44,904 This is when I was lowering my bar sexually. 297 00:10:44,947 --> 00:10:47,341 Why is my face numb?Okay, I'm gonna say this once. 298 00:10:47,384 --> 00:10:48,951 Tighten up.Yeah. Okay, yeah. 299 00:10:48,995 --> 00:10:50,258 I can't believe this is happening. 300 00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:51,389 It's such an important day. 301 00:10:51,432 --> 00:10:52,913 What's happening today? 302 00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,392 I just have to look good. 303 00:10:54,436 --> 00:10:57,091 Okay? Not like some Ukrainian dentist. 304 00:11:00,789 --> 00:11:02,399 Oh, my God. 305 00:11:02,443 --> 00:11:04,184 [breathing deeply] 306 00:11:04,227 --> 00:11:05,881 Jess, I'm dying.What's wrong with you. 307 00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:06,708 I'm dying, Jess. 308 00:11:08,231 --> 00:11:10,931 Jess, pretend you're not seeing this... 309 00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:13,759 Schmidt, this isn't a good time. 310 00:11:13,802 --> 00:11:15,892 Cece, please. 311 00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:17,937 Just... just open the box. 312 00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,812 [cooing] 313 00:11:22,855 --> 00:11:23,943 You brought a pigeon into my house? 314 00:11:23,986 --> 00:11:26,206 I couldn't find a dove. Come on, Beatty. 315 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,903 [kicks table, imitates pigeon cooing] 316 00:11:27,947 --> 00:11:29,514 [paper flapping] 317 00:11:29,557 --> 00:11:31,385 It's... it was supposed to fly out when you opened up the lid. 318 00:11:31,428 --> 00:11:34,911 What are you doing?I love you, Cece. 319 00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:39,350 And I have been in love with you for so long. 320 00:11:40,568 --> 00:11:41,744 I used to think 321 00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:44,965 it was just a heavy like, but... 322 00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:47,402 it's love. 323 00:11:50,230 --> 00:11:52,320 There it goes. Is this real? 324 00:11:52,363 --> 00:11:53,974 For you? 325 00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:55,758 Yes. 326 00:11:56,976 --> 00:11:59,370 Cece, I'm ready for a serious commitment. 327 00:11:59,413 --> 00:12:01,328 I'm up for a huge promotion at work. 328 00:12:01,371 --> 00:12:03,984 I'm ready to have kids with you, if that's what you want. 329 00:12:04,027 --> 00:12:05,855 You want to have kids? 330 00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,335 Let's go right now, let's go make a kid. 331 00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:08,989 Take your top off. 332 00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:10,817 Schmidt, my mother... 333 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:12,774 she's gonna hate you. 334 00:12:12,818 --> 00:12:14,995 Okay? You're Jewish. 335 00:12:15,038 --> 00:12:17,779 She hates Jews; I mean, she really hates them. 336 00:12:17,823 --> 00:12:18,999 Everybody hates the Jews. 337 00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,390 Your mom's in the majority. 338 00:12:22,088 --> 00:12:24,221 I'll convert to Indianism. 339 00:12:24,264 --> 00:12:27,006 Hindi... Hindi-is...eh? 340 00:12:27,049 --> 00:12:29,269 Indiani-Indi... Indi-Buddhi-ism? 341 00:12:29,312 --> 00:12:30,793 [stammering] 342 00:12:30,836 --> 00:12:34,057 Schmidt, we have so much going against us. 343 00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:36,058 Let's have dinner. Tonight. 344 00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:41,716 Okay. 345 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:42,804 Cool. Knock ya' out, cool. 346 00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:45,198 Just give me a second. 347 00:12:48,418 --> 00:12:52,683 Ah... yes! 348 00:12:52,727 --> 00:12:54,511 [whispering]: I'm sorry. 349 00:12:59,038 --> 00:13:00,866 Winston, are you out of your head? WINSTON: Security camera. 350 00:13:00,909 --> 00:13:02,912 What are you doing?Schmidt has a security camera. 351 00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,957 Why did I think he didn't have a security camera? 352 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,741 Oh. You're a briefs man. 353 00:13:06,785 --> 00:13:08,613 I was hoping I'd never find out. 354 00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:10,311 Oh, my goodness, we should not have gone for that tub. 355 00:13:10,354 --> 00:13:13,009 I just like bubbles so much... 356 00:13:13,052 --> 00:13:14,402 Winston, I think you're having a panic attack. 357 00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:15,837 Hmm? 358 00:13:15,881 --> 00:13:18,710 Shut up, hey, Jess, no. 359 00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:22,235 I'm, uh... this is just the willies. 360 00:13:22,278 --> 00:13:24,673 The w... the what? The... the willies? 361 00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:25,979 The willies, yeah. It's the same thing 362 00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,631 that happened when I took my driver's test. 363 00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:29,721 Go ahead and start the car. 364 00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:32,899 [screaming] 365 00:13:32,942 --> 00:13:34,290 No! No! 366 00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:37,250 [screaming] 367 00:13:37,293 --> 00:13:39,209 A lot of people get panic attacks. 368 00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:40,427 The willies. My dad used to get them all the time. 369 00:13:40,471 --> 00:13:42,342 Like, every time he had to make a left turn. 370 00:13:42,385 --> 00:13:43,996 It would take him two and a half hours 371 00:13:44,039 --> 00:13:45,519 to drive me to school. 372 00:13:45,562 --> 00:13:47,303 We'd just drive all around Portland, making right turns. 373 00:13:47,347 --> 00:13:49,044 [chuckles] 374 00:13:49,088 --> 00:13:50,873 Okay. It's okay. 375 00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:53,484 Okay. It's really okay. 376 00:13:53,528 --> 00:13:55,051 Are you going to tell anybody about my underwear? 377 00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:57,793 Look, I really want to. 378 00:13:57,836 --> 00:14:00,230 But I won't. 379 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:01,971 Where is he?It's over, Mike. 380 00:14:02,014 --> 00:14:03,885 Where's Nick?Just stop... just stop it. 381 00:14:03,929 --> 00:14:06,715 Hey. You Nick? 382 00:14:06,758 --> 00:14:08,107 Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not Nick. 383 00:14:08,150 --> 00:14:09,936 Nick has pinkeye! I'm Ricardo! 384 00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:12,024 Let Nick go!Ricardo? Ricardo? This is Nick, huh? 385 00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:15,942 [speaking fake Spanish]You're a dead man! I'm gonna-- [groans] 386 00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:17,159 I had it handled! 387 00:14:17,203 --> 00:14:18,900 He was gonna kill you. I've seen him do it. 388 00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:20,903 I know someone at work who can stitch him up.Okay, let's get him 389 00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:22,687 stitched up right now. This is disgusting. Okay. 390 00:14:22,730 --> 00:14:24,080 SCHMIDT: I'm out there every night, 391 00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:25,385 balling to the max, 392 00:14:25,428 --> 00:14:26,908 and you expect me to do what, 393 00:14:26,952 --> 00:14:28,128 just stop and chew up 394 00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:29,825 some cherry-flavored multi-V? 395 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,347 No, thanks. 396 00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:34,090 I'll take my vitamins on the rocks. Double V. 397 00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:37,179 Heart. Spirit. Body. Party. 398 00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:39,790 You gotta get specific about this vodka. 399 00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:41,140 Have you tried Double V?No. 400 00:14:41,183 --> 00:14:42,490 Let's open up this bitch. 401 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:44,100 Let's open up... okay. 402 00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:46,537 Um... I kind of...We're going to do every vitamin, 403 00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:48,975 in alphabetical order. Each shot that you do 404 00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:50,932 makes me know you're going that extra mile. 405 00:14:50,976 --> 00:14:53,936 Emma, I really...Is there something more important than work? 406 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,328 What? Okay. 407 00:14:55,371 --> 00:14:57,113 But you said... No, I... no, no, no. 408 00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:58,288 Let's-let's just... all right, we'll do it. 409 00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:00,115 JESS: Don't feel weird, Winston. 410 00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:01,509 Everybody has their weird thing. 411 00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,163 Even me. 412 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:06,557 Look, I'm gonna tell you something about myself. 413 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:10,125 I am really claustrophobic. 414 00:15:10,169 --> 00:15:12,432 Jess, I don't believe you.No, seriously, watch. 415 00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:19,527 You seem fine to me.I seem fine, 416 00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:22,138 but if I close the door, 417 00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:25,315 it's gonna feel like I'm dying... 418 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:28,187 even more than 419 00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:29,537 a real death. 420 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:33,019 It just feels like death... plus more death. 421 00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:34,498 Okay, this is silly. Just come on. 422 00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:36,109 But I'm gonna be okay, because I know you're out there. 423 00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:37,980 Mm-hmm.And you can help me... 424 00:15:38,024 --> 00:15:39,547 [gasping]: Oh, my God... 425 00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:40,982 Okay... 426 00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:42,854 [gasping] 427 00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:44,682 Oh, my God. Let me out!Jess, this is not... this is not funny, Jess. 428 00:15:44,725 --> 00:15:46,032 Can you open up the door?Jess? 429 00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,380 It's closed! 430 00:15:47,423 --> 00:15:49,209 [moaning]Oh, my God, Jess, the door is stuck. 431 00:15:49,251 --> 00:15:51,124 It's so hot in here!Jess, the door is stuck! 432 00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,429 Oh, my God!Jess, come on, now, this is not funny. 433 00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:56,216 Oh, my God... Oh, my God... Oh!Jess, this is not... oh, my goodness, is it hot? 434 00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:59,000 NICK: So you're not a nurse? ANGIE: Who said I was a nurse? 435 00:15:59,044 --> 00:16:01,047 Stitches-- you said somebody at work can do stitches. 436 00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:02,438 Who does stitches at a strip club? 437 00:16:02,482 --> 00:16:03,788 STEVE: Someone need stitches? 438 00:16:03,831 --> 00:16:05,181 Let me get my needle and my bifocals. 439 00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:07,052 Be right back. 440 00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:09,837 Okay, let's get you down right next to that dirty pole. 441 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,057 There-- That's-- Okay, good. 442 00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:14,015 Really... really nice place. 443 00:16:14,059 --> 00:16:15,886 Uh, this is where you work. 444 00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:17,672 You the ticket-taker? 445 00:16:17,715 --> 00:16:19,020 No, I'm a stripper. Yeah. 446 00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,804 But what is it that you do here? 447 00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:23,198 Stripper.Because college is so expensive these... 448 00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:26,245 I'm a stripper.But only topless. 449 00:16:26,288 --> 00:16:27,159 Completely naked.TIFFANY: Mike, where's my taco? 450 00:16:27,202 --> 00:16:29,075 What happened? What happened? 451 00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:31,076 Uh, he remembered that he was married to you, 452 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,644 so he tried to beat the memory out of his brain with a brick. 453 00:16:33,687 --> 00:16:35,081 Oh, he's married...You stupid bitch! 454 00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,517 Oh, not okay! 455 00:16:36,559 --> 00:16:38,692 [women shouting]Ladies! 456 00:16:38,735 --> 00:16:41,826 Stop fighting! Hey, hey! Stop this now! 457 00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:44,480 Don't stop this! I'm super aroused! 458 00:16:44,524 --> 00:16:46,265 I think I just became a dirt bag. 459 00:16:46,308 --> 00:16:48,702 Why did I cross the bar? Agh! 460 00:16:51,706 --> 00:16:53,316 I did it. 461 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,884 I'm here for dinner. I made it. It's really late. 462 00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,711 We got the account. I was with my boss, we got the account. 463 00:16:57,754 --> 00:17:00,758 We did it.You were with your boss? 464 00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:02,195 What? 465 00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:04,284 No. The woman who made you sign a contract 466 00:17:04,326 --> 00:17:06,241 so she could have sex with you, your boss? No. 467 00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:08,114 No. Uh... 468 00:17:08,156 --> 00:17:09,549 Yeah. Yeah. 469 00:17:09,593 --> 00:17:10,986 No... but nothing happened. 470 00:17:11,029 --> 00:17:13,467 She just wanted me to taste the V. 471 00:17:13,509 --> 00:17:14,771 That came out wrong. 472 00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:16,209 Yeah. I thought about... 473 00:17:16,251 --> 00:17:18,253 I thought about the boss's boobs once. 474 00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:21,213 They're still real nice, 475 00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:24,130 but I didn't have no connection to them emotionally, whatsoever. 476 00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:25,695 Nothing. 477 00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:30,440 Cece, I can pay for our baby's college now. 478 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,311 Literally anywhere they want to go. 479 00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:35,315 UCLA, UMass... any of the U schools. 480 00:17:35,357 --> 00:17:38,317 I love you so much.You should probably... 481 00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:39,840 Oh, not... 482 00:17:44,714 --> 00:17:46,978 It's okay. 483 00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:53,984 Cece, I'm gonna pee in my summer suit. 484 00:17:54,028 --> 00:17:56,249 Hey, Mom, it's me. 485 00:17:56,291 --> 00:17:58,468 I think I'm ready to have you set me up. 486 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,775 This is not a prank. Call me back. 487 00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:06,693 Oh, thank God. WINSTON: Oh, my goodness. 488 00:18:06,737 --> 00:18:08,913 Thank you, man. REMY: I see. 489 00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:11,133 If you guys have been playing hard to get, 490 00:18:11,176 --> 00:18:12,307 you don't have to. 491 00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:13,527 I am totally ready 492 00:18:13,569 --> 00:18:16,442 to get mixed up in this choco-vanilla shake. 493 00:18:18,183 --> 00:18:19,576 No. 494 00:18:19,619 --> 00:18:21,186 REMY: Yeah, you know what I'm talking about here. 495 00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:22,491 I'm just talking about...Yes... I know, I know. 496 00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:24,145 We got it, we got it, Remy. 497 00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,060 ...doing it with-with both of you. We got it. Yeah. 498 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,279 REMY: Three... 499 00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,586 This never happened. [quietly] Okay. 500 00:18:33,023 --> 00:18:34,548 Jess, I just want to say thank you. 501 00:18:34,590 --> 00:18:35,940 You know, I thought I was the only crazy one, 502 00:18:35,983 --> 00:18:37,550 but it turns out you're nuts as well. 503 00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:40,030 Oh, I'm straight-up bananas, Winston. 504 00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:42,076 Next time that happens to you, 505 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,818 just come to me, and I'll help you keep your pants on. 506 00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:48,213 So what are we gonna do about Schmidt's suits? 507 00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:50,432 I feel like there's a very obvious solution. 508 00:18:51,607 --> 00:18:53,393 [Jess and Winston grunting] 509 00:18:53,435 --> 00:18:55,612 SCHMIDT: Oh, come on! Again? 510 00:18:57,483 --> 00:18:58,659 [both panting, coughing] 511 00:18:58,701 --> 00:19:01,662 Thank God. The meth-heads came back. 512 00:19:01,704 --> 00:19:03,663 They brought your suits back 'cause they don't fit them. 513 00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:05,404 They did the right thing, 'cause they're 514 00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:07,363 drug addicts, they're not monsters. Right. 515 00:19:07,406 --> 00:19:09,365 They actually got them dry-cleaned, um... Mm-hmm. 516 00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:10,974 deluxe package, very pricey.Yeah, yeah. 517 00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:12,238 Why'd he tie you up? 518 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,804 They kept saying, like, 519 00:19:13,847 --> 00:19:16,111 "Ah, I'm so hungry for more meth," you know? 520 00:19:16,154 --> 00:19:18,330 "Let's get rid of these suits. 521 00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:21,202 These clean... suits." 522 00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:22,551 Jess and I want a tub. 523 00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:24,380 We want candles and bubbles. 524 00:19:24,423 --> 00:19:26,425 Oh, damn it, Schmidt, we want bubbles, man. 525 00:19:26,469 --> 00:19:29,429 I want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles. 526 00:19:29,471 --> 00:19:30,820 You know, and then just blow 'em off like this... 527 00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,692 and laugh, like... 528 00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:35,217 Get a tub, man. Let's get a tub; I don't care. 529 00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:36,697 Hey. You okay? 530 00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:38,307 What's wrong? 531 00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:42,093 I told Cece that I loved her. 532 00:19:42,136 --> 00:19:45,618 Then I got drunk, and she called her mom, and... 533 00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:47,359 [sighs] 534 00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:49,971 She's going brown. 535 00:19:50,971 --> 00:19:53,104 She wants to marry a brown man. 536 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,459 Schmidt... Schmidt! 537 00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:00,807 Hey, man. Hey... 538 00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:03,244 Hey, hey, hey, hey.Hold it right there. 539 00:20:03,288 --> 00:20:04,942 Let it go, man.[sniffs] 540 00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:07,467 Let it go. Okay. 541 00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:13,472 How'd you guys get out of your ties? 542 00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:14,560 ♪ 543 00:20:17,519 --> 00:20:19,000 Hey... 544 00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:21,175 Hey. 545 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,438 What can I get you to drink, Angie? 546 00:20:22,481 --> 00:20:23,874 Oh, no, I don't... 547 00:20:23,917 --> 00:20:27,442 I just want to... hang out. 548 00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:29,270 I've got this rule. 549 00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:31,272 Never cross the bar. 550 00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,362 And I broke that rule, and... 551 00:20:33,405 --> 00:20:36,496 Look, these 18 inches of oak 552 00:20:36,538 --> 00:20:39,193 are the only thing that separates me 553 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,368 from guys like Sid over there. 554 00:20:41,761 --> 00:20:43,763 No disrespect. I got your next round. 555 00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:45,417 Well, I don't have any rules. 556 00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:49,073 Don't do... don't... 557 00:20:49,116 --> 00:20:50,944 No customers... 558 00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:53,382 ...behind the bar. 559 00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,740 Oh, Sid, you gotta... You're killing me. 560 00:21:03,784 --> 00:21:06,352 Sit down and drink your beer. 561 00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:09,093 I'm a man with feelings. 562 00:21:09,136 --> 00:21:12,140 Feelings that are bubbling up inside of me, and... 563 00:21:12,182 --> 00:21:13,096 [sighs] 564 00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:15,098 ...they're about to explode. 565 00:21:15,143 --> 00:21:17,405 I'd like for those feelings to explode on you. 566 00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:22,105 You got this, dawg. Look at you, dawg. 567 00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:23,542 Look at you! 568 00:21:23,586 --> 00:21:25,108 Look at your face, dawg! 569 00:21:25,153 --> 00:21:26,501 Look at your face! 570 00:21:26,546 --> 00:21:27,547 You got this, son! 571 00:21:27,589 --> 00:21:30,506 ♪ Well, I love you 572 00:21:30,549 --> 00:21:32,900 ♪ And I've never said those words ♪ 573 00:21:32,942 --> 00:21:36,947 ♪ Well, I love you, from the bo... ♪