1 00:00:01,784 --> 00:00:03,480 To my dear friends, Melissa and Sadie. 2 00:00:03,524 --> 00:00:05,048 Aw.Five years together. 3 00:00:05,091 --> 00:00:06,440 That is awesome.Hear, hear. 4 00:00:06,484 --> 00:00:08,051 What is your secret?I don't really think there is 5 00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:11,054 a secret. I think it's just about... 6 00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:12,881 love, understanding, and... 7 00:00:12,925 --> 00:00:14,404 two sets of boobs. 8 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,885 I love boobs. I love 'em. 9 00:00:16,928 --> 00:00:17,887 I love... 10 00:00:17,929 --> 00:00:18,626 everything about 'em.Okay. 11 00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:19,670 Yeah, I do, too. 12 00:00:19,714 --> 00:00:21,064 All different kinds. [blubbering] 13 00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:22,934 [blubbering] Yeah, that's my... too. 14 00:00:22,978 --> 00:00:24,285 I love them. 15 00:00:24,327 --> 00:00:26,678 SCHMIDT: And the Curiosity Rover has touched down 16 00:00:26,722 --> 00:00:28,071 on the planet of Mars.SADIE: What's happening right now? 17 00:00:28,114 --> 00:00:29,071 What's happening in there? 18 00:00:29,115 --> 00:00:30,073 Schmidt's in there 19 00:00:30,117 --> 00:00:31,466 with his boss. 20 00:00:31,509 --> 00:00:33,162 He's "entertaining" her. 21 00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:34,164 Ew. 22 00:00:34,207 --> 00:00:35,774 I don't care what he does. 23 00:00:35,817 --> 00:00:37,950 I just don't understand why he has to narrate it! 24 00:00:37,993 --> 00:00:39,125 SCHMIDT: Robot arm engaged! 25 00:00:39,168 --> 00:00:41,084 It's just engaged now? 26 00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:43,085 So he's saying everything up to this point 27 00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,566 has been foreplay? 28 00:00:44,609 --> 00:00:45,697 Are you kidding me? That's ridiculous. 29 00:00:45,740 --> 00:00:46,959 What are you gonna do for 20 minutes 30 00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:48,177 of foreplay? 31 00:00:48,222 --> 00:00:50,398 Boring! Yawn! 32 00:00:53,182 --> 00:00:54,531 Am I right, ladies? 33 00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:56,273 So, I actually know what's about to happen next. 34 00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,710 You will all want to cover your ears.SCHMIDT: I found water! 35 00:00:58,753 --> 00:01:01,103 No, I didn't do it in time.Oh, he found... 36 00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:02,801 Has anybody seen a movie in the last five months, 37 00:01:02,844 --> 00:01:05,891 and can you describe the plot in great detail and loudly? 38 00:01:05,935 --> 00:01:08,938 Okay, you're dry.Actually, I'm good. Thank you. 39 00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:10,983 Come on. I spent six dollars on this wine. 40 00:01:11,027 --> 00:01:13,334 I've been looking for the right time to tell you tonight, 41 00:01:13,376 --> 00:01:16,031 [Schmidt singing Ride of the Valkyriestheme]but Melissa and I are so excited 42 00:01:16,075 --> 00:01:17,686 because... Wow. 43 00:01:17,728 --> 00:01:19,600 That is so upsetting. 44 00:01:21,210 --> 00:01:22,734 What mission is this based on?! 45 00:01:22,777 --> 00:01:24,736 I'm pregnant! We are pregnant! 46 00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:27,564 Wha...?[excited shouts] 47 00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:34,311 Lesbian baby. Congratulations, you guys. 48 00:01:34,354 --> 00:01:36,139 ♪ Who's that girl? 49 00:01:36,182 --> 00:01:38,837 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. 50 00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:45,147 I feel so lucky, you know? 51 00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:47,367 Like I really tucked this one in just under the wire. 52 00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:48,933 What do you mean? You're so young. 53 00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,936 As your friendly neighborhood gynecologist, 54 00:01:50,979 --> 00:01:53,069 you should know that by the time a lady hits 30, 55 00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:55,506 she loses about 90% of her eggs. 56 00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:57,378 What? CECE: No, th-that 57 00:01:57,420 --> 00:01:58,335 can't be true.What? 58 00:01:58,378 --> 00:01:59,640 Did you know that there's a test 59 00:01:59,683 --> 00:02:00,989 that you can take that tells you how many beans 60 00:02:01,033 --> 00:02:02,947 you got left in your bean sack?Ovaries. 61 00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:04,167 It estimates basically 62 00:02:04,210 --> 00:02:06,256 how many childbearing years you have left. 63 00:02:06,299 --> 00:02:07,170 Yeah, get this baloney: 64 00:02:07,213 --> 00:02:09,389 I'm 32, but my eggs are 48, 65 00:02:09,432 --> 00:02:12,393 and my vagina is 97. 66 00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:13,524 I am so uncomfortable.But it gets 67 00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,177 better with age-- it's like 68 00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:17,266 the vagina Helen Mirren.Oh, boy. 69 00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:18,615 I've got big plans for the centennial. 70 00:02:18,659 --> 00:02:19,616 JESS: When can I take 71 00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:20,401 that test? CECE: Who cares? 72 00:02:20,443 --> 00:02:22,359 Personally, I'm still on 73 00:02:22,402 --> 00:02:23,533 the please-God-I-hope- I'm-not-pregnant phase. 74 00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:25,361 What am I doing here?You know, just 75 00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:26,362 clinically speaking, it's probably 76 00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:28,191 a good idea to know.JESS: I want 77 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,192 to take this test! Like, now. 78 00:02:29,235 --> 00:02:30,193 Can we take this test right now? 79 00:02:30,236 --> 00:02:31,193 WINSTON: Morning, ladies. 80 00:02:31,237 --> 00:02:32,194 And Nick. 81 00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:33,195 Morning?Well, I mean, I work 82 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,328 nights now, so I'm 83 00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:36,199 on an adjusted sleeping schedule. 84 00:02:36,242 --> 00:02:37,679 I just woke up, here's my breakfast, 85 00:02:37,722 --> 00:02:39,420 I'm going to work. 86 00:02:39,462 --> 00:02:40,594 Take me with you! They're talking about vaginas! 87 00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:42,074 I hate it! Take me with you! 88 00:02:42,117 --> 00:02:43,336 [laughing] 89 00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:47,122 Our bodies really made something. 90 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,256 I feel like we brought manufacturing jobs 91 00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:50,604 back to America.Yeah, 92 00:02:50,647 --> 00:02:51,866 it was fine. 93 00:02:51,909 --> 00:02:53,216 What do you mean "fine"? 94 00:02:53,259 --> 00:02:54,609 I broke your brain, girl. 95 00:02:54,651 --> 00:02:56,437 How do I put this delicately? 96 00:02:56,479 --> 00:02:58,090 I was... 97 00:02:58,134 --> 00:02:59,831 nowhere close to finishing. 98 00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:01,397 I was bored. 99 00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,356 And cold. 100 00:03:05,401 --> 00:03:09,014 [quietly]: That's cool. Uh... 101 00:03:09,057 --> 00:03:10,625 No, yeah. 102 00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:12,235 [chuckles] 103 00:03:12,278 --> 00:03:14,236 World shattered. 104 00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,283 We'll try again. It'll be better. 105 00:03:16,325 --> 00:03:18,894 The world I once lived in... shattered. 106 00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:19,721 All right, see you at work. 107 00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:22,419 See you at work. 108 00:03:22,462 --> 00:03:24,377 MAN: Put me on the air. I got something to say 109 00:03:24,420 --> 00:03:26,293 about Andrew Bynum's hair. 110 00:03:26,336 --> 00:03:28,251 All right, caller, you're up next. 111 00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:30,600 Look at you, man. This is great. 112 00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:32,037 You're the king of your own castle. 113 00:03:32,081 --> 00:03:34,038 [chuckles] 114 00:03:34,082 --> 00:03:35,475 Look at this. What is this? 115 00:03:35,519 --> 00:03:37,868 Why do you need so many pens, you big shot? 116 00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:39,305 I like what I do, man. I finally feel like my life 117 00:03:39,348 --> 00:03:40,698 is moving in the right direction. 118 00:03:40,741 --> 00:03:41,917 That is what I don't have 119 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,265 in my life. 120 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,268 But not anymore. 121 00:03:46,312 --> 00:03:47,704 I'm gonna take one of these pens, 122 00:03:47,748 --> 00:03:49,098 I'm gonna go home, 123 00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:51,317 and I'm gonna write my zombie novel. 124 00:03:52,361 --> 00:03:53,623 You don't think I can do it, do you? 125 00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,496 You know, it's not that. It's just that sometimes 126 00:03:55,538 --> 00:03:56,323 I get the feeling that you... 127 00:03:56,365 --> 00:03:58,237 don't want to write. 128 00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:03,417 [scoffs] 129 00:04:04,373 --> 00:04:06,768 No more excuses. I'm gonna go home, 130 00:04:06,811 --> 00:04:08,335 and I'm gonna write that novel. 131 00:04:08,377 --> 00:04:09,336 And I'll be the first to read it. 132 00:04:09,378 --> 00:04:11,163 We got a deal, friend.Deal. 133 00:04:11,206 --> 00:04:12,903 on the line. Yeah, you still have me MAN: 134 00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:14,906 write that book. My two cents? He's never gonna 135 00:04:14,949 --> 00:04:17,300 Why don't you shut up, Manny from Cerritos? Okay. 136 00:04:17,343 --> 00:04:19,259 Who asked you? Hang up the phone. All right. 137 00:04:20,346 --> 00:04:21,216 We should go. 138 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,348 Melissa's been drinking for two. 139 00:04:22,391 --> 00:04:23,740 Three. 140 00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:25,351 JESS: Awesome night, ladies. 141 00:04:25,394 --> 00:04:27,310 Educational. Thank you.Sorry. I'm just... 142 00:04:27,353 --> 00:04:28,963 Okay. I'm sorry. What? 143 00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:30,966 Sadie, before you leave, can I just ask you a few questions? 144 00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:31,923 I know where this is going. 145 00:04:31,966 --> 00:04:33,098 You are a gynecologist 146 00:04:33,141 --> 00:04:34,534 anda lesbian, 147 00:04:34,577 --> 00:04:35,665 which makes you... 148 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:36,667 well, a va-genius. 149 00:04:36,711 --> 00:04:37,928 Jar. I know 150 00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:39,495 my way around a Grizzly Adams. 151 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:40,497 You, too? Jar. 152 00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:42,324 Wh... As an adult male, 153 00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,543 I would like to ask you a few 154 00:04:43,586 --> 00:04:44,980 questions about, you know, 155 00:04:45,023 --> 00:04:46,154 the downstairs girl cookie. 156 00:04:46,197 --> 00:04:47,461 Jars, jars, all around jars! 157 00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:49,941 This is my personal time right now. 158 00:04:49,985 --> 00:04:50,812 You can make an appointment at my office, 159 00:04:50,855 --> 00:04:53,509 pay your $40 co-pay. 160 00:04:53,553 --> 00:04:55,163 I will be happy to answer your questions. 161 00:04:55,206 --> 00:04:56,774 Yes! I'm in. Please. 162 00:04:56,817 --> 00:04:59,560 Now, would I have to put my legs up in the stirrups? 163 00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,343 Why would you?I'm asking more so out of curiosity 164 00:05:01,387 --> 00:05:03,389 than fear. #excitement.Are you done? 165 00:05:03,432 --> 00:05:05,348 I'm done. I'll see you, okay? 166 00:05:05,391 --> 00:05:06,392 I'm gonna call the office.Okay. 167 00:05:06,435 --> 00:05:08,569 Well, thank you, guys, for the... 168 00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:10,439 awesome drunky 169 00:05:10,483 --> 00:05:12,223 thing and the weirdly sobering end. Look, 170 00:05:12,268 --> 00:05:14,009 I know Sadie freaked you out with all this talk about tests, 171 00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:15,444 but I just want to remind you 172 00:05:15,488 --> 00:05:16,358 that at the end of the day, 173 00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,404 it's all about love. 174 00:05:18,447 --> 00:05:20,057 I mean, I love Sadie. 175 00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:21,581 I want 176 00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:23,410 my babies to have her beautiful face. 177 00:05:23,452 --> 00:05:25,716 As long as they don't get her big, fat man-feet. 178 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,415 Yuck. Fingers crossed we go donor on that one. 179 00:05:28,457 --> 00:05:29,677 Okay. 180 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,156 Let's make a graceful exit, my love. Okay. 181 00:05:31,199 --> 00:05:32,375 Hey, get out of here, 182 00:05:32,418 --> 00:05:33,201 you crazy lesbos, 183 00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:34,595 with your baby-making! 184 00:05:34,637 --> 00:05:35,856 Ooh! Whoo! 185 00:05:35,899 --> 00:05:37,293 Ah! I'm married; I'm not dead! 186 00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:39,295 CECE: See you. Night. 187 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:43,473 Drive safely. 188 00:05:43,516 --> 00:05:45,822 [panting] 189 00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:47,999 90% of our eggs, huh? 190 00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:50,045 That's crazy. I'm panicking. 191 00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:51,394 You panicking? 192 00:05:51,437 --> 00:05:54,483 God, no. Babies wreck you, Jess. 193 00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:56,617 They literally eat your body. 194 00:05:56,659 --> 00:05:58,401 I'm 30, I'm single, 195 00:05:58,444 --> 00:06:00,447 and I just started a new job. 196 00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:01,838 Tonight 197 00:06:01,882 --> 00:06:03,319 I used a bread roll 198 00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:04,406 to wipe butter off my face, 199 00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,495 and then I ate the bread roll, 200 00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,279 so I essentially used my face 201 00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:09,978 as a butter knife. 202 00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,413 I don't think I'm ready 203 00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:13,197 to bring new life into the world, but... 204 00:06:13,242 --> 00:06:15,286 what if all that's left are the weird eggs? 205 00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:17,115 And the evil eggs? 206 00:06:17,158 --> 00:06:19,204 You have no evil eggs. 207 00:06:19,247 --> 00:06:21,119 I can feel them. They're turning. 208 00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:22,250 They watched their brothers 209 00:06:22,293 --> 00:06:23,295 and sisters die, 210 00:06:23,338 --> 00:06:25,341 and now they want to be birthed. 211 00:06:25,384 --> 00:06:27,168 I need to be fertilized. 212 00:06:28,343 --> 00:06:31,608 Fertilize me, Los Angeles! 213 00:06:31,651 --> 00:06:32,435 Calm down, all right? 214 00:06:32,478 --> 00:06:34,088 You're overreacting. 215 00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:35,350 I am overreacting! You know why? 216 00:06:35,394 --> 00:06:37,134 Because I want a family. 217 00:06:37,178 --> 00:06:39,007 I want to give my nipples a purpose. 218 00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,444 Give my nipples a purpose! 219 00:06:41,487 --> 00:06:43,098 MAN: Oh, yeah!Oh, God, that was a mistake. 220 00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:45,579 [man wolf whistles]Duck down. That was a mistake. 221 00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:47,276 [whispers]: We're taking that test. 222 00:06:51,497 --> 00:06:53,673 Well, I think that you guys made a really smart decision 223 00:06:53,716 --> 00:06:55,023 coming in here today.JESS: Sadie, 224 00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,286 once at a senior graduation party, 225 00:06:57,329 --> 00:07:00,331 I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for... 12 hours. 226 00:07:00,375 --> 00:07:02,639 Is there any chance that I sunny-side upped my eggs? 227 00:07:02,682 --> 00:07:03,771 No, Jess. Oh, 228 00:07:03,814 --> 00:07:05,468 between the years of 1998 and 2005, 229 00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:07,514 I used a lot of self-tanner. 230 00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:09,298 Like, a lot. 231 00:07:09,341 --> 00:07:11,473 Is that a possibility of, um... 232 00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:12,519 Do I... Okay.Nope. 233 00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:14,521 Here we go. 234 00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:16,523 I once fell on a pommel horse... 235 00:07:16,565 --> 00:07:18,699 I'm gonna call you when I get the results. 236 00:07:20,134 --> 00:07:22,137 This is good. 237 00:07:25,226 --> 00:07:27,795 I got nothing. This is... 238 00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:30,754 Whoa, whoa, Jess, what are you doing? 239 00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:32,276 That's my ketchup collection! 240 00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:33,757 This fertility Web site says I need to get rid 241 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,716 of anything with toxins. 242 00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:36,629 Did you put the microwave in the trash? 243 00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:37,413 Yes.Why would you do that? 244 00:07:37,456 --> 00:07:38,935 Microwaves zap things! 245 00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:40,197 You can't take my microwave away!Zap my insides! 246 00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:41,548 It's the only thing I love!I can't risk it! 247 00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,418 It's what makes burritos delicious!I don't care! 248 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,726 You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick? 249 00:07:46,769 --> 00:07:48,119 You're putting me in a tough spot.SCHMIDT: Friends, 250 00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:50,512 I'm in a real-life sex pickle. 251 00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:54,386 My inability to satisfy Emma has thoroughly rocked me. 252 00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:55,952 I've tried everything. 253 00:07:55,997 --> 00:07:57,432 How about now? 254 00:07:57,476 --> 00:07:59,348 Hold on. I'm Shazam-ing this song. 255 00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:01,392 Oh, for crying out loud! 256 00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:02,524 Guess what I'm worried about? 257 00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:03,699 This sound. 258 00:08:03,744 --> 00:08:05,005 You know what that sound is? 259 00:08:05,048 --> 00:08:07,137 It's the sound of an empty uterus. 260 00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:08,879 I don't need test results to tell me 261 00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:10,750 that it is The Grapes of Wrathin there. 262 00:08:10,793 --> 00:08:11,708 It is 1930s 263 00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:13,709 Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt. 264 00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:16,146 And they're all walking with limps. 265 00:08:16,190 --> 00:08:18,367 I can top that easily. I'm having a hard time 266 00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:19,542 with my zombie novel.Oh, not this... 267 00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:20,369 JESS: Are you literally 268 00:08:20,411 --> 00:08:22,588 comparing a zombie novel 269 00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:24,415 to my ability to create life? 270 00:08:24,459 --> 00:08:26,766 I'm a writer, Jess. We create life. 271 00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,332 Ugh! Being a woman sucks! 272 00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,247 Preaching to the choir. Women are the worst. 273 00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,423 Seriously, can you please stop yelling? 274 00:08:32,467 --> 00:08:34,034 All right, now, it's no big deal, 275 00:08:34,077 --> 00:08:35,993 but I'm on an adjusted schedule. 276 00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:38,561 Sorry about this. Jess has absolutely lost her mind. 277 00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:40,258 I have not lost my mind!Yeah, you have. 278 00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:41,650 I'm just scared! 279 00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:42,609 NICK: Would you trust me? 280 00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:43,740 You're gonna be fine. 281 00:08:43,783 --> 00:08:45,437 You're gonna meet somebody and... 282 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:46,830 you're gonna fall in love and then... 283 00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:48,788 before you know it, you're gonna... 284 00:08:48,831 --> 00:08:50,006 JESS: With who, Nick? 285 00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:52,269 Who's gonna... lay a flag down 286 00:08:52,313 --> 00:08:53,793 on this sweet, sweet continent? 287 00:08:53,836 --> 00:08:55,838 I'll man up. But I must warn you, 288 00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:57,580 Jess-- I don't have sperms. 289 00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,190 I have tadpoles. 290 00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:00,451 Of the gods. 291 00:09:00,495 --> 00:09:01,496 That's right. 292 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,586 And I'm gonna give 'em to you. 293 00:09:03,629 --> 00:09:05,587 You can have 'em all, for all I care. 294 00:09:05,631 --> 00:09:06,763 That's how much I love you. 295 00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:08,068 I feel your pain in this situation. 296 00:09:08,111 --> 00:09:09,591 I want you to have babies. 297 00:09:09,635 --> 00:09:10,418 Take my sperms. 298 00:09:10,461 --> 00:09:12,028 No. It should be me, Jess. 299 00:09:12,072 --> 00:09:14,292 What?With your big, beautiful blue eyes 300 00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:17,033 and my... Blair Underwood-like skin,Mm-hmm. 301 00:09:17,077 --> 00:09:19,601 we'd have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen.He's not wrong. 302 00:09:19,645 --> 00:09:21,865 It could get into any school it wants. Mm-hmm. 303 00:09:21,908 --> 00:09:26,086 To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me. 304 00:09:26,129 --> 00:09:28,306 I think it's important that that's been said. 305 00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:29,611 Good, 'cause it's definitely not me. 306 00:09:29,655 --> 00:09:31,482 Good, 'cause it's definitely not you. 307 00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:34,399 I would love that little baby with all my heart. 308 00:09:34,442 --> 00:09:35,792 Even if I did show it 309 00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:36,793 by picking him up from school 310 00:09:36,836 --> 00:09:37,880 in my underwear and... 311 00:09:37,924 --> 00:09:40,057 hitting on the crossing guard. 312 00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,275 How's the zombie novel coming?Good, good, good. 313 00:09:41,318 --> 00:09:42,451 I haven't written a word. 314 00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:43,799 Wait, are you serious? 315 00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:44,801 Nick, it's not that hard, man. 316 00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:46,629 Just sit down and write. 317 00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:47,629 You ain't Hemingway. 318 00:09:47,673 --> 00:09:49,110 You boys are right.Mm-hmm. 319 00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:50,850 I got to be more like Hemingway. 320 00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:51,894 I just lost another one of my eggs 321 00:09:51,938 --> 00:09:53,504 while you were comparing yourself 322 00:09:53,548 --> 00:09:54,811 to the most famous writer of all time. 323 00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:56,334 Maybe the reason I have writer's block 324 00:09:56,378 --> 00:09:58,815 is I've been living too casual with you clowns. 325 00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:01,339 I need real-life adventure 326 00:10:01,383 --> 00:10:04,254 like Ernest Hemingway had at my age. 327 00:10:04,298 --> 00:10:05,908 Man, I got to run with the bulls. 328 00:10:05,952 --> 00:10:07,910 I got to kill a man with my bare hands 329 00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:09,652 after making sweet love to him 330 00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,914 and then sleep on the warm belly of his horse. 331 00:10:11,958 --> 00:10:14,438 I got to eat my way out of a sandwich house! 332 00:10:14,482 --> 00:10:15,831 How much you know about Hemingway? 333 00:10:15,875 --> 00:10:17,878 Not a lot! But I'm gonna learn! 334 00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:19,706 I'm becoming Ernest Hemingway. 335 00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:20,663 You idiots. 336 00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:24,711 Schmidt. 337 00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:26,886 Yo. 338 00:10:26,929 --> 00:10:28,452 Okay, Schmidt. 339 00:10:28,496 --> 00:10:31,107 Female pleasure. 340 00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:33,023 Here are some diagrams, 341 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:35,243 so we can see where you're at. 342 00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:36,287 The vagina. 343 00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,548 I'm familiar. 344 00:10:37,592 --> 00:10:39,028 Good. 345 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:42,553 Now, what I typically do is I start over here, 346 00:10:42,597 --> 00:10:44,556 and then I move here once 347 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,688 I feel confident that this area 348 00:10:46,732 --> 00:10:47,864 has been taken care of.Yeah, see, 349 00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:48,951 that's exactly what I do. 350 00:10:48,995 --> 00:10:51,693 I call that "Losing Nemo." 351 00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:54,914 Well, a more advanced move would be... 352 00:10:54,957 --> 00:10:56,698 You know what? I'll just show you. 353 00:10:56,743 --> 00:10:58,745 It's sort of... Come in this way. 354 00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:01,051 No, no, I see what you're doing. That asymmetry right there? 355 00:11:01,095 --> 00:11:02,749 That's crucial. 'Cause then what I'll do is 356 00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:04,272 is I'll go outside, 357 00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:06,708 get the paper, 358 00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:09,058 and shake the neighbor's hand. 359 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,886 Interesting.Then what I'll do is, 360 00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:13,759 I'll tie a bow on it because it's birthday time. 361 00:11:13,802 --> 00:11:16,066 Then I get onstage and collect my Oscar 362 00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:18,154 and say thank you to the people, 363 00:11:18,198 --> 00:11:20,548 thank you to the people, then get back down offstage 364 00:11:20,591 --> 00:11:22,942 and get everybody into the sharing circle, 365 00:11:22,985 --> 00:11:23,899 right down there in the sharing circle, 366 00:11:23,943 --> 00:11:25,946 and then...[smacks loudly] 367 00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:27,163 spike the volleyball. 368 00:11:27,207 --> 00:11:28,904 Then what I like to do is, I like 369 00:11:28,948 --> 00:11:30,951 to arrive at the bridge, meet the troll, 370 00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:33,605 and then answer his riddles three. 371 00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:35,085 Then what we do is, we're dancing. 372 00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:36,739 We're just gonna dance, we're gonna dance for a while. 373 00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:38,567 We'll dance until you can't dance anymore, 374 00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,524 dancing till you can't dance anymore, 375 00:11:40,568 --> 00:11:44,312 and then everybody gets... 376 00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,966 a churro. 377 00:11:47,009 --> 00:11:48,663 [clicks tongue] 378 00:11:51,971 --> 00:11:53,190 You okay? 379 00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:54,756 Mm-hmm. 380 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,330 It's the baby hormones. 381 00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:04,811 They are not as gay as me. 382 00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:05,768 So I'm good at this, right? 383 00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:06,986 Schmidt, 384 00:12:07,029 --> 00:12:08,945 in my professional opinion, 385 00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:11,339 you have definitely earned the rank of-- 386 00:12:11,381 --> 00:12:14,081 and I will use the phrase you coined-- va-genius. 387 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,999 Thank you, thank you so much. 388 00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,870 I really needed to hear that, Sadie. 389 00:12:20,913 --> 00:12:21,957 [sighs] 390 00:12:22,001 --> 00:12:24,221 You got to go. 391 00:12:24,264 --> 00:12:25,221 NICK: Hey, Winston, 392 00:12:25,265 --> 00:12:26,788 we're going on an adventure! 393 00:12:26,832 --> 00:12:30,270 We need real-life experience like Hemingway. 394 00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:33,796 Whoo, I feel like Hemingway. 395 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,101 This is life experience? 396 00:12:35,144 --> 00:12:36,842 Yeah, the zoo is the best we can do, I told you, 397 00:12:36,885 --> 00:12:38,018 but it's got everything we need. 398 00:12:38,061 --> 00:12:40,498 It's got life, animals, man, beast. 399 00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:41,977 Look, I'm sorry, dude, it's just, you know, 400 00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,806 I'm not supposed to be awake right now 401 00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,981 because of my adjusted...Adjusted schedule, yeah. 402 00:12:46,025 --> 00:12:47,244 Hey, man, 13 minutes of sleep. 403 00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:48,985 Honestly, Nick, seriously, 404 00:12:49,028 --> 00:12:50,812 13 minutes of sleep-- that's all I got. 405 00:12:50,856 --> 00:12:52,032 You're starting to look like a pillow to me. 406 00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:53,816 All I can think of is, like, 407 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,817 "Man, Nick looks exactly like a pillow to me." 408 00:12:55,861 --> 00:12:57,994 Hmm, what'd you say? Winston, you need some sleep. 409 00:12:58,038 --> 00:12:59,081 But I'm out here with you. Yeah. 410 00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:00,692 Okay, because I love you.Thank you. 411 00:13:00,735 --> 00:13:01,868 And I want you to finish your zombie book. 412 00:13:01,910 --> 00:13:03,826 Okay, but check out where we are. 413 00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,219 This is experience, 414 00:13:05,261 --> 00:13:07,047 this is what's firing me up to get back to writing. 415 00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:08,613 This is kind of what it's all about. 416 00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:10,398 [laughs] What are you doing? 417 00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:11,528 It's writer's fuel. 418 00:13:11,572 --> 00:13:14,270 That's what Hemingway said. 419 00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:17,013 Sadie, um, hey. 420 00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:18,318 Uh, I just, I just want you to know 421 00:13:18,361 --> 00:13:19,754 that I am, um, I'm like-- 422 00:13:19,798 --> 00:13:21,538 I am okay with whatever you tell me. 423 00:13:21,582 --> 00:13:22,539 I'm just like, 424 00:13:22,583 --> 00:13:23,846 if you say 425 00:13:23,889 --> 00:13:25,673 you've got a year, that's fine. 426 00:13:25,716 --> 00:13:27,719 If you say, like, "You can have kids till you're 80," 427 00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,851 that's fine, too. If you say, "You are barren," 428 00:13:29,895 --> 00:13:33,899 [voice breaking] um, I'm, I'm okay with that, too. 429 00:13:33,942 --> 00:13:35,075 Um, just, 430 00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:37,337 why am I the only one talking? 431 00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:38,556 Just lay it on me. 432 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:39,905 What's inside my body? 433 00:13:39,948 --> 00:13:41,690 Everything looks good, Jess. 434 00:13:41,732 --> 00:13:43,038 Your hormone levels are outstanding. 435 00:13:43,082 --> 00:13:44,039 What? Actually 436 00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,868 these are off the charts 437 00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:46,869 for someone your age. 438 00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:48,697 I mean, I don't know how 439 00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,873 you're walking around with this many eggs. 440 00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:52,221 ♪ I'm the egg queen 441 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:53,222 ♪ I'm queen 442 00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,225 ♪ of the eggs. 443 00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:57,052 Right. [typing] 444 00:13:57,096 --> 00:13:58,880 Cece. Mm-hmm. 445 00:14:03,102 --> 00:14:06,149 You know what? Maybe we should talk in private. 446 00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:16,115 Cece, Cece. 447 00:14:16,158 --> 00:14:17,378 Cece, wait, do you want to talk? 448 00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:19,596 Jess, you don't get it. 449 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,076 Sadie basically just told me that if I want 450 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,905 to have a kid, I've got to start right now. 451 00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:26,474 Rightnow. 452 00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:28,128 I thought I had all of this time. 453 00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:32,087 I didn't want to have to think about this. 454 00:14:32,131 --> 00:14:34,917 I know, I know, I'm sorry. 455 00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:36,178 I made you take the test. 456 00:14:36,222 --> 00:14:38,399 What can I do? 457 00:14:38,442 --> 00:14:42,969 Make me a guy so I don't have to worry about this. 458 00:14:45,014 --> 00:14:47,495 You know what? Yes. 459 00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:50,759 Yeah, let's be guys just for today. 460 00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,109 Let's, let's care about stupid things, 461 00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:56,373 talk about sharks and sci-fi movies 462 00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:58,941 and making everything wireless. 463 00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:02,118 "Dude, my phone is wireless, my computer is wireless. 464 00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:03,859 Everything's wireless, yeah."You're a terrible guy. 465 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:04,860 "Come on." 466 00:15:04,903 --> 00:15:06,774 [laughs] 467 00:15:06,817 --> 00:15:08,168 No, I'm the best guy. 468 00:15:08,211 --> 00:15:09,298 Come on, come on. 469 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,952 All right. 470 00:15:10,996 --> 00:15:11,953 SCHMIDT: Okay, how was that? 471 00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,738 [sighs] Eh. 472 00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:15,957 Why, though, with the "eh"? 473 00:15:16,001 --> 00:15:19,657 Unbelie-- but I played out your most secret fantasy: 474 00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:21,398 French maid handyman does... 475 00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:24,139 Studio 54... Studio 54 busboy. 476 00:15:24,183 --> 00:15:26,403 I know, it's disappointing.I thought I killed it. 477 00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:29,188 And I picked you at work because I heard you were amazing in bed. 478 00:15:29,231 --> 00:15:31,408 I-- no, no, no, I am, okay, I know that I am. 479 00:15:31,451 --> 00:15:33,975 I have it on good authority from my model ex-girlfriend 480 00:15:34,019 --> 00:15:36,979 and an actual lesbian gynecologist 481 00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:40,982 that I know exactly what I'm doing, so it's got to be you. 482 00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:43,332 It's us-- this doesn't work. 483 00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,682 When I got divorced I-I, 484 00:15:45,726 --> 00:15:47,206 I thought I could go out there 485 00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,990 and have all these new experiences-- 486 00:15:49,034 --> 00:15:52,690 the contract of sex with someone at work 487 00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:55,432 who's so far beneath me, you know, 488 00:15:55,475 --> 00:15:58,000 someone basically just powerless. 489 00:15:58,043 --> 00:16:01,221 I guess I have to feel something. 490 00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:03,222 Okay, see, I'm not like that. 491 00:16:03,265 --> 00:16:04,441 I don't even understand that concept. 492 00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:06,008 My ex-girlfriend the model-- she's a model. 493 00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,792 I know she's a model. We'd have sex, 494 00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:10,273 and it was just like, I was happy, you know, I, I... 495 00:16:10,317 --> 00:16:12,884 We were connected, I wasn't thinking about anything. 496 00:16:12,927 --> 00:16:14,015 What is that? 497 00:16:14,059 --> 00:16:15,669 That is love, you idiot. 498 00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,413 That's love. 499 00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:24,025 Yuck. 500 00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,505 It sucks. So, what, do I have 501 00:16:25,548 --> 00:16:27,899 to, I have to, like, be in love now to have good sex? 502 00:16:27,942 --> 00:16:29,945 Think about me-- I got to go out in the world 503 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,294 and meet people, date. 504 00:16:32,338 --> 00:16:33,730 You're going to be great. 505 00:16:33,774 --> 00:16:35,037 [sighs] 506 00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,255 You think? 507 00:16:36,298 --> 00:16:37,822 Yeah. 508 00:16:37,865 --> 00:16:41,086 Consider our sex contract void. 509 00:16:41,129 --> 00:16:42,217 How am I gonna get the feathers off? 510 00:16:42,261 --> 00:16:43,653 I have no idea. 511 00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:46,308 Jess and that girl! 512 00:16:46,352 --> 00:16:48,049 Uh... 513 00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:52,053 [laughs] Oh, I'm so glad they're here. 514 00:16:52,097 --> 00:16:53,360 So you're getting a lot of work done here, huh? 515 00:16:53,403 --> 00:16:55,840 Who wins-- me versus gorilla? Go. Gorilla. 516 00:16:55,884 --> 00:16:57,058 Me versus gorilla. 517 00:16:57,102 --> 00:16:59,105 Gorilla. No, but in a contest. 518 00:16:59,148 --> 00:17:00,758 Gorilla. Yeah, but in a competition. 519 00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:02,325 Uh, gorilla. You don't get it. 520 00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:04,284 CECE: Okay, are you just 521 00:17:04,326 --> 00:17:05,894 drunk at the zoo right now? 522 00:17:05,936 --> 00:17:07,068 Let's go look at snakes.Okay. 523 00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,069 Where are the snakes?! 524 00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:09,244 All day. 525 00:17:09,288 --> 00:17:11,073 You know what? 526 00:17:11,116 --> 00:17:13,075 I don't think we should act like the guys. 527 00:17:13,118 --> 00:17:15,208 Jess, what am I going to do? 528 00:17:20,125 --> 00:17:23,085 What am I going to tell Robby? 529 00:17:23,128 --> 00:17:26,132 You are a Mexican West Coast rattlesnakes, 530 00:17:26,174 --> 00:17:28,655 and they call you "fang-tastic." 531 00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:30,092 [chuckles] 532 00:17:30,135 --> 00:17:32,094 No one ever calls me anything like that. 533 00:17:32,137 --> 00:17:32,963 Nick, what are you doing? 534 00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:34,314 This is not life experience; 535 00:17:34,356 --> 00:17:36,881 this is procrastination at the zoo. 536 00:17:36,924 --> 00:17:38,273 I don't think it is.Now, I need some sleep. 537 00:17:38,317 --> 00:17:40,102 I got to work tonight. Okay, 538 00:17:40,145 --> 00:17:41,190 congratulations, I'm glad you found your passion...Okay, look... 539 00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:42,147 ...and that you love what you do. 540 00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:44,453 Wow. But enough's enough. 541 00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:47,108 Don't throw it in my face. Is it like that, is it like that, Nick? 542 00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:48,588 Don't throw it in my face. Nick, I got off 543 00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,329 my adjusted schedule...Don't say "adjusted schedule." 544 00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:52,027 That's super annoying.Adjusted schedule. 545 00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:53,549 Stop saying it.Adjusted schedule. 546 00:17:53,594 --> 00:17:55,116 You say it again, I'm gonna let the snakes out. 547 00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,988 Adjusted schedule. Let the snakes out. 548 00:17:58,032 --> 00:18:00,296 I will let... 549 00:18:00,339 --> 00:18:03,125 These guys have done a pretty good job keeping it sealed.Yeah, yeah. 550 00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:04,344 Nick, you're not a finisher.Oh, I'm 551 00:18:04,386 --> 00:18:06,040 a finisher.You're not a finisher at all, 552 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,130 man, that's why you didn't finish law school.Don't do that. 553 00:18:08,173 --> 00:18:10,175 Same reason you're only three episodes into Downton Abbey. 554 00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:12,178 There's just too many characters, it's hard to follow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 555 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:15,181 I get it, man, you're scared, and that's okay-- be scared. 556 00:18:15,223 --> 00:18:16,616 Just stop wasting my time because I'm tired 557 00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,314 and I need to sleep because I want to work tonight 558 00:18:18,357 --> 00:18:20,882 at the job I'm passionate about. 559 00:18:22,665 --> 00:18:24,972 ROBBY: I'm glad you called me, Cece. I love the zoo. 560 00:18:25,016 --> 00:18:26,974 You think I'm like a bear? 561 00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,759 I mean, I kind of move like a bear, 562 00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:30,979 and I got that really long, sharp toenail 563 00:18:31,021 --> 00:18:32,633 that you love so much. 564 00:18:37,376 --> 00:18:39,901 Hey. [chuckles] 565 00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:43,251 Randa. 566 00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:45,993 It says here you're 43. 567 00:18:46,037 --> 00:18:47,865 Keeping it tight, girl. 568 00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:49,214 [child shouts indistinctly] 569 00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,217 What do you think of kids? 570 00:18:51,259 --> 00:18:52,608 I love kids. 571 00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:53,958 I would like to have children someday. 572 00:18:54,001 --> 00:18:55,351 Someday? Well, yeah, 573 00:18:55,394 --> 00:18:56,961 like in ten years or something. 574 00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:59,007 Yeah. 575 00:19:01,269 --> 00:19:02,618 I have a lot of eggs. 576 00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:04,185 Unfortunately 577 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:07,189 I don't have a lot of sausage. 578 00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:11,279 Yeah, I shouldn't be complaining. 579 00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:14,718 I'll be okay. 580 00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:25,990 Hey, Winston. Aah, what? 581 00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:27,470 Sorry to wake you. 582 00:19:27,513 --> 00:19:29,211 Z Is for Zombie.What? 583 00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,472 I finished my novel. 584 00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:32,779 I stayed up for 14 straight hours. 585 00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,215 I even peed in water bottles. 586 00:19:34,259 --> 00:19:36,261 We have a bathroom. 587 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:38,828 Wow, you dedicated it to me. 588 00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:40,440 "To Winston. Have a nice summer. 589 00:19:40,482 --> 00:19:41,701 Hope to see you ag..." 590 00:19:41,744 --> 00:19:43,269 Really? 591 00:19:43,311 --> 00:19:45,270 I just want to say right now, the black guy dies early-- 592 00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:46,271 his name is William-- 593 00:19:46,315 --> 00:19:47,316 but don't take offense; 594 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:49,230 it's a staple of the genre. 595 00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:50,624 I can't take this-- too much anxiety. 596 00:19:50,666 --> 00:19:52,191 I'm going to my room. 597 00:19:53,278 --> 00:19:55,063 Hey, Winston, are you reading it? 598 00:19:55,105 --> 00:19:56,064 Hey. 599 00:19:56,106 --> 00:19:58,240 Oh, hey. 600 00:19:58,284 --> 00:20:00,286 I knew it. 601 00:20:00,328 --> 00:20:03,462 I knew you'd choose me to get you pregnant. 602 00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:05,334 Yep, let's go. 603 00:20:05,377 --> 00:20:06,378 [laughing]: Jess. 604 00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:07,902 [both laugh] 605 00:20:07,944 --> 00:20:10,209 Schmidt. 606 00:20:11,513 --> 00:20:13,255 I think I may have been in love with Cece. 607 00:20:13,298 --> 00:20:15,125 You are in love with Cece. You think? 608 00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,259 Can't believe I have to have feelings to have good sex. 609 00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:19,086 I was hoping I'd be dead before this happened. 610 00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:21,045 Hey, why are we all hanging out in my room 611 00:20:21,088 --> 00:20:22,263 and sitting on my bed? 612 00:20:22,307 --> 00:20:23,830 Nick, this is 613 00:20:23,874 --> 00:20:27,269 the worst thing I have ever read in my entire life. 614 00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:28,401 You misspelled the word "rhythm" 615 00:20:28,443 --> 00:20:30,184 38 times. 616 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,490 Z Is for Zombie?Yeah, Z Is for Zombie. 617 00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:33,101 The zombie novel.Yeah. 618 00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:34,363 "Rhythm" is a tough word. 619 00:20:34,406 --> 00:20:36,146 Don't feel bad about that.Yeah, thanks, man. 620 00:20:36,191 --> 00:20:37,452 Did you get to the word search?Yeah. 621 00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:39,280 [laughing]: I put a word search in the novel, 622 00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:40,542 but the joke's on you. 623 00:20:40,586 --> 00:20:42,327 There aren't any words in there, 624 00:20:42,371 --> 00:20:44,329 so you're just gonna be staring at letters, you idiot. 625 00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:47,201 But you know what? You finished it, 626 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,290 and for that, my friend, I'm proud of you. 627 00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,292 Thank you, I did finish it, I finished something.Yeah, you finished something. 628 00:20:51,336 --> 00:20:53,295 Read it out loud, Winston. 629 00:20:53,338 --> 00:20:54,644 [chanting]: Read it out loud. 630 00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:56,516 SCHMIDT AND JESS: Read it out loud. 631 00:20:56,558 --> 00:20:58,518 Read it out loud...Okay, I'll read this damn thing; you asked for it. 632 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,519 This might be humiliating. 633 00:21:00,563 --> 00:21:05,001 "No one in the sleepy mountain town of 'Writhe-em' City..." 634 00:21:05,046 --> 00:21:06,352 That's Rhythm City. 635 00:21:06,394 --> 00:21:07,917 "...knew what the meteor meant, but the one thing 636 00:21:07,961 --> 00:21:11,313 Mike Jr. did have was a whole lot of 'rittems.'" 637 00:21:11,356 --> 00:21:13,707 Rhythm. No, yeah."'Whoa, what bit me 638 00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:16,710 in the face?' Mike Jr. said to his dad Mike Sr., who sucks." 639 00:21:16,752 --> 00:21:19,103 Sucks-- Mike Sr. sucks. 640 00:21:19,146 --> 00:21:20,974 It's a major theme throughout this. 641 00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:22,411 "Mike Sr. sucks a whole bunch, 642 00:21:22,454 --> 00:21:24,500 much more than his neighbor Rallo." 643 00:21:24,544 --> 00:21:26,196 Never stop reading this. 644 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:29,505 "'Zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo. 645 00:21:29,548 --> 00:21:32,377 "'Who let them zombies out that damn zombie zoo? 646 00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:34,380 Uh-oh, watch your back, Laura.'" 647 00:21:34,423 --> 00:21:35,684 And I guess Laura is another character 648 00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:37,470 that he introduces, but that's it.