1
00:00:01,304 --> 00:00:03,220
[indistinct chatter]

2
00:00:03,263 --> 00:00:04,743
Jess, I'm not
done with that.

3
00:00:04,786 --> 00:00:06,484
That's $18
granola-- handmade.

4
00:00:06,527 --> 00:00:08,311
$18 for granola?

5
00:00:08,355 --> 00:00:09,965
Okay, you're gonna be eating
two Thanksgiving meals today,

6
00:00:10,009 --> 00:00:11,272
so starve yourself.

7
00:00:11,314 --> 00:00:12,272
WINSTON: Jess, I get
it that your parents

8
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:13,621
are divorced, but can't they

9
00:00:13,664 --> 00:00:15,102
just have one meal together?

10
00:00:15,144 --> 00:00:16,667
CECE:
Yeah, sure, they can
if they're both

11
00:00:16,711 --> 00:00:18,278
gagged and blindfolded.

12
00:00:18,321 --> 00:00:20,062
JESS:
Okay, listen up, guys,
my mom is gonna be here

13
00:00:20,106 --> 00:00:21,890
at 9:00
and she's staying till 2:00,

14
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,936
and then my dad's going
to be here at 2:30

15
00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,329
and he's gonna stay till 7:30.

16
00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:26,939
I should also
warn you guys

17
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:28,940
that my mom's
a little bit perky.Wait,

18
00:00:28,984 --> 00:00:30,160
you think she's perky?

19
00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:31,117
Well, she doesn't have
my dark side.

20
00:00:31,161 --> 00:00:32,509
I got that from my dad.

21
00:00:32,554 --> 00:00:33,642
Nick, you're gonna love

22
00:00:33,685 --> 00:00:34,729
my dad so much.

23
00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:36,296
He's so unhappy.

24
00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:38,212
I'm not into dads,
I'm not a dad guy.

25
00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:40,692
I don't like 'em,
don't trust 'em, never have.[knocking]

26
00:00:40,735 --> 00:00:41,692
Oh, that's her.

27
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:42,694
It's okay, man.

28
00:00:42,737 --> 00:00:44,478
What's okay, man?

29
00:00:44,521 --> 00:00:46,088
Oh.
Momsicle.

30
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:48,308
Oh, Jujube.

31
00:00:48,351 --> 00:00:49,222
Wow, showed up looking
like a pilgrim.

32
00:00:49,265 --> 00:00:50,484
Every year.Hello, everyone.

33
00:00:50,527 --> 00:00:51,920
This is my mom Joan.
Hi.

34
00:00:51,963 --> 00:00:53,444
This is everybody.
Hi.

35
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:56,098
Oh, come on over, I just want
to give you all a big hug.

36
00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:58,274
Oh, come on, big
Thanksgiving hug.Do it, come on.

37
00:00:58,319 --> 00:01:00,277
Come on, we'll do a
big hug ball, come on.

38
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,149
Come on, Cece, you
know how to do this.
Yep.

39
00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:03,192
You in the white shirt.

40
00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:04,325
I don't do hug balls.

41
00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:05,456
Come on in.

42
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,370
Hug ball jumping,
hug ball jumping.

43
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:09,156
Okay.

44
00:01:09,198 --> 00:01:10,287
All right.Whoo!

45
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:11,766
Oh, dear God.

46
00:01:12,942 --> 00:01:14,813
A hug ball?
JESS:
Dad.

47
00:01:14,856 --> 00:01:17,033
Well, hello, Bob.You're early.

48
00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:19,121
You know what
I'm thankful for today?

49
00:01:19,165 --> 00:01:20,906
Divorce.

50
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:22,343
♪ Who's that girl?

51
00:01:22,385 --> 00:01:25,085
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.

52
00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:31,352
No, no, no, no, it was my
mistake, it's my mistake.

53
00:01:31,394 --> 00:01:32,831
I'll wait five hours

54
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:34,311
and come back when
Joan's shift is up.

55
00:01:34,354 --> 00:01:36,139
JOAN:
Bob, just stay.

56
00:01:36,182 --> 00:01:37,313
What if we need
something ruined?

57
00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:39,055
Mom.
It's all right, I'll
spend my holiday

58
00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:40,534
at a Los Angeles
coffee shop...

59
00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:42,362
No.
...sitting around
with people

60
00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:44,539
who have nothing better
to do on Thanksgiving

61
00:01:44,581 --> 00:01:46,323
than work on
their screenplay.

62
00:01:46,366 --> 00:01:48,281
I probably won't want
to blow my head off.

63
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,283
Bob, we are both grown-ups.

64
00:01:50,326 --> 00:01:51,763
We can make it through one day

65
00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:52,981
together.

66
00:01:53,025 --> 00:01:54,375
Please, Dad.

67
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:55,811
[elevator bell dings]

68
00:01:58,596 --> 00:02:01,337
Well done, Jessica Day.Pardon?

69
00:02:01,382 --> 00:02:05,168
"My mom's coming at 9:00 a.m.
and my dad's coming at 2:30."

70
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,170
I have no idea
what you're talking about.

71
00:02:07,213 --> 00:02:09,389
The movie you made me watch
a million times.

72
00:02:09,432 --> 00:02:11,174
Rocky IV? Parent Trap.

73
00:02:11,217 --> 00:02:14,350
What?
I don't...

74
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:15,743
Mm-hmm.

75
00:02:15,787 --> 00:02:17,006
Why would I do that?

76
00:02:17,049 --> 00:02:18,528
Parent Trap--crazy.

77
00:02:18,573 --> 00:02:21,228
Mom, Dad, help,
there's a man in the room.

78
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:23,403
He's trying to get us
to eat candy.

79
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:24,405
Jess, Jess.
Jess?

80
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:25,406
Jess, are you okay?

81
00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:27,625
What's the matter?
Are you...?

82
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:31,367
Oh, damn it, Jess,
that's the second time today.

83
00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:33,240
Smile, Mom, you still got it.

84
00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:35,764
Jessica,
what are you doing?

85
00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,331
I want him to see
what he's missing.

86
00:02:37,373 --> 00:02:39,246
You're texting your father?!

87
00:02:39,288 --> 00:02:41,247
That was a long
time ago, Cece,

88
00:02:41,290 --> 00:02:42,248
when I was
young and naive.

89
00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:44,206
Just go.
Excuse me.

90
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:45,817
[sighs]

91
00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:47,253
WINSTON: What's with all
the crappy beer, man?

92
00:02:47,296 --> 00:02:49,385
You hate that stuff.

93
00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:50,778
Let's just say that my cousin
doesn't exactly have

94
00:02:50,822 --> 00:02:52,562
the most sophisticated palate.

95
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:55,348
Raised by wolf-like parents
in the wilds of Minnesota,

96
00:02:55,391 --> 00:02:56,828
he actually went to juvie

97
00:02:56,872 --> 00:02:58,395
for stealing
the synagogue's minivan.

98
00:02:58,438 --> 00:02:59,656
It's been that way
since we were kids.

99
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:01,223
Made my life a living hell.

100
00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:04,270
I'm the strong kind
of fat.

101
00:03:04,313 --> 00:03:05,401
[laughs]

102
00:03:05,445 --> 00:03:07,403
Yes, yes, yes!

103
00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:10,014
Please tell me he's going
to sit on you when he gets here.

104
00:03:10,058 --> 00:03:12,061
He's a good guy, I'm telling
you, he's totally changed.

105
00:03:12,103 --> 00:03:14,062
Okay.
He settled down with
this great woman named Krista.

106
00:03:14,105 --> 00:03:15,282
She's coming.

107
00:03:15,324 --> 00:03:16,586
Actually went to Legoland
with them last year.

108
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:19,068
He didn't pressure me
to go on any of the rides

109
00:03:19,110 --> 00:03:20,417
I wasn't comfortable with.

110
00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:22,897
Ho!Ha-ha.

111
00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:24,247
How you doing,
little buddy?

112
00:03:24,290 --> 00:03:25,292
Come here.

113
00:03:25,335 --> 00:03:26,379
Oh!
Oh!

114
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:27,859
Okay.

115
00:03:27,902 --> 00:03:29,513
Hey.
What's up, man?
Winston.

116
00:03:29,556 --> 00:03:30,687
Nice to meet you,
I'm Schmidt.

117
00:03:30,731 --> 00:03:32,734
I actually go by Schmidt,
uh, around here.

118
00:03:32,776 --> 00:03:34,430
There can only be one--
you know the rule.

119
00:03:34,474 --> 00:03:36,302
Ah! Look at that
right there.
That's...

120
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:37,433
Where's Krista?

121
00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:39,305
Krista and I have
a new arrangement.

122
00:03:39,348 --> 00:03:40,655
[laughing]:
Okay.
I, uh,

123
00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:42,396
I can sleep with
whoever I want,

124
00:03:42,438 --> 00:03:45,485
but she doesn't speak to me
or live with me anymore.

125
00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:49,445
[laughs]
Hey, Dad,

126
00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:50,447
you want to help us?
I have

127
00:03:50,490 --> 00:03:51,883
to stay away
from salmonella.

128
00:03:51,926 --> 00:03:53,929
[scoffs]
You don't have
to lick it, Bob.

129
00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:55,365
No, no, no,
my doctor says...

130
00:03:55,408 --> 00:03:58,281
It was a joke,
it was just a joke.

131
00:03:58,324 --> 00:03:59,325
I have a sense
of humor.

132
00:03:59,368 --> 00:04:01,283
If that was a joke,
here is a pencil.

133
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:02,850
Draw me a map
to the joke.

134
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,418
Guys, it doesn't have
to be like this.

135
00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:07,289
Mom, you're in a great
place with your practice.

136
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:09,509
Dad, I'm sorry Katherine
cheated on you,

137
00:04:09,552 --> 00:04:11,641
but it's been months.Jess.

138
00:04:11,686 --> 00:04:13,469
What are you...?I'm sorry, I thought,

139
00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:15,384
I thought, I-- I'm s--
I thought everyone knew.

140
00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,300
You grieved so publicly
on Instagram--

141
00:04:17,343 --> 00:04:20,956
all those pictures of sad
trees and, and your lunches.

142
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,218
[sighs]

143
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,305
Katherine cheated?

144
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,221
Yeah.

145
00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:27,310
JOAN: Oh, Bob, that's
terrible, I'm so sorry.

146
00:04:27,353 --> 00:04:28,442
Yeah.
No, really, I
had no idea.

147
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:29,355
Yeah, well, yeah.

148
00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:31,879
JOAN:
Oh, sorry, really.

149
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:32,880
Come here, come
here, let me...

150
00:04:32,923 --> 00:04:34,403
Salmonella...

151
00:04:34,447 --> 00:04:35,317
Salmonella.
Okay.

152
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:36,971
I liked her.
You did?

153
00:04:37,014 --> 00:04:38,495
No, no.
I didn't think so.

154
00:04:38,538 --> 00:04:40,540
["It Doesn't Have to Be
That Way" by Jim Croce playing]

155
00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:42,324
Hey, remember that song, huh?

156
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,891
Sure, Bob.
Yeah.

157
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:45,197
Do I remember that?That was the night.

158
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:46,459
Great night.
Yeah.

159
00:04:46,502 --> 00:04:47,983
Oh, yeah.
I'm not talking
about the concert.

160
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:50,028
No, the after--
the afterparty.

161
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,420
The afterparty.The after-- yeah.

162
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:54,555
Jess, no.

163
00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,644
Parent trap.

164
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,694
Okay, admittedly this is
a little bit crazy,

165
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:06,480
but if this is going to work,
you're both helping me.

166
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:07,915
Okay, I'm out of here.Sit down, sit down.

167
00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:09,483
I'm not doing
a parent trap.
Nick,

168
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:11,701
they got married too young,
they got divorced too young.

169
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,139
I think this could
really make them happy.

170
00:05:14,182 --> 00:05:15,836
They need us.
Here's the plan:

171
00:05:15,879 --> 00:05:17,447
we're gonna make
my mom look so hot

172
00:05:17,490 --> 00:05:18,970
that my dad can't resist her.

173
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,798
Your parent trap--
there's no identical twins

174
00:05:20,841 --> 00:05:22,278
or mistaken identity?

175
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,714
Not a parent trap,
it's a makeover.

176
00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:27,021
The only thing you have to do
is distract my dad.

177
00:05:27,064 --> 00:05:29,197
A parent trap takes
weeks of scheduling.

178
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:30,634
I feel like you're just
throwing this together.

179
00:05:30,677 --> 00:05:32,069
This is a makeshift
parent trap;

180
00:05:32,113 --> 00:05:33,201
they don't work.Why do you have

181
00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:34,463
to ruin everything, Nick?

182
00:05:34,507 --> 00:05:35,725
I don't know, I've
got something bad

183
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,860
inside of me.
I ruin things.

184
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:40,165
Let's do this parent trap.

185
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:41,165
Yes.

186
00:05:41,209 --> 00:05:42,428
[laughs]

187
00:05:42,471 --> 00:05:44,387
Oh, would you
look at that?

188
00:05:44,430 --> 00:05:46,562
She's spectacular.
Wow.

189
00:05:46,606 --> 00:05:48,608
Well, you know,
we used to date, right?

190
00:05:48,651 --> 00:05:49,435
You, Schmiggle?

191
00:05:49,478 --> 00:05:51,567
Schmidt.Please.

192
00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:53,004
Cece, can you please
come over here

193
00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:54,831
and confirm our intercourse?

194
00:05:54,875 --> 00:05:57,444
And then I dumped her 'cause
I was like, you know, whatever.

195
00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,009
You mean, you ran away scared.

196
00:05:59,053 --> 00:06:01,447
Exactly, you're not enough man
for a woman like that.

197
00:06:01,490 --> 00:06:03,406
Okay, yeah, and you are?Damn right I am.

198
00:06:03,449 --> 00:06:05,451
Well, I'll tell you what,
if you guys want to find out

199
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:08,454
who's truly the manliest,
you should have a contest.

200
00:06:08,497 --> 00:06:10,413
I'm listening.
Go on.
The winner

201
00:06:10,456 --> 00:06:14,286
of this contest will be
declared the one true Schmidt.

202
00:06:14,329 --> 00:06:16,463
Yes.
It is on.
CECE:
What are you doing?

203
00:06:16,505 --> 00:06:18,290
I'm bored.
Nice.

204
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:21,598
Seems like every time
they want

205
00:06:21,641 --> 00:06:23,470
to move a team
to Los Angeles,

206
00:06:23,512 --> 00:06:25,471
the team that's most likely
to move here,

207
00:06:25,514 --> 00:06:26,473
the owner Al Davis...

208
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:27,473
BOTH:
Dead.

209
00:06:27,516 --> 00:06:28,997
And then they talk to the,

210
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,434
to the Ravens and their owner
Art Modell-- dead.

211
00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:33,262
Dead.
You know
what I mean?

212
00:06:33,305 --> 00:06:34,654
Who-Who's going
to speak out for us,

213
00:06:34,697 --> 00:06:36,526
I mean, the voice of the NFL--
Steve Sabol? Dead.

214
00:06:36,569 --> 00:06:38,310
Also dead.Exactly.

215
00:06:38,353 --> 00:06:40,442
You know, it doesn't take
a genius. All you got to do is

216
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:41,661
follow the money.Always follow the money.

217
00:06:41,704 --> 00:06:42,793
That's what
I always say.

218
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:43,706
You always follow the money.Yeah, yeah.

219
00:06:43,750 --> 00:06:45,492
Oil companies.Pharmaceuticals.

220
00:06:45,534 --> 00:06:48,668
Big business,
chicken corporations.

221
00:06:48,711 --> 00:06:50,105
BOTH:
Corn.

222
00:06:51,932 --> 00:06:52,933
Yeah.

223
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,507
Just explain to me again
why we're doing this.

224
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:03,509
Because, when Cece's
all washed up as a model,

225
00:07:03,552 --> 00:07:04,685
she wants to be
a makeup artist.

226
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:06,947
And I want to help her
realize her dreams.

227
00:07:06,990 --> 00:07:08,339
[mouths]

228
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:09,603
Yeah, it's my plan B.

229
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:12,649
Okay, stop.
Seriously, it's just too much.

230
00:07:12,692 --> 00:07:13,911
The makeup and-and your dress?

231
00:07:13,954 --> 00:07:15,651
The only reason I wear makeup
in Portland

232
00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:17,045
is to keep the rain off my face.

233
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:21,615
So your hair just does,
like, this one thing, right?

234
00:07:21,658 --> 00:07:24,531
Sorry.

235
00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:26,358
I don't know if Jess
has told you this,

236
00:07:26,401 --> 00:07:27,663
but I am writing a novel.

237
00:07:27,707 --> 00:07:29,100
Oh, really?
Yeah.
What's it about?

238
00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:30,492
It's about zombies.

239
00:07:30,536 --> 00:07:31,668
Zombies?

240
00:07:31,711 --> 00:07:32,713
And it's a relationship story.

241
00:07:32,755 --> 00:07:34,149
It has a great love story
in there

242
00:07:34,192 --> 00:07:35,716
that could be made into a movie,
I think.

243
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:37,543
The love story's between...

244
00:07:37,586 --> 00:07:38,848
The zombie and Carol.

245
00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:41,417
Zombie and the-the...
Carol is not a zombie?

246
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,810
She's a regular person?No, she's a rich girl.

247
00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:44,550
Oh, so it's like the Twilight
thing where...

248
00:07:44,593 --> 00:07:46,204
It's not like the Twilight...
No, it isn't.

249
00:07:46,247 --> 00:07:47,596
Where the vampire falls in love
with a regular person.

250
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,120
You don't really...
you don't get it.

251
00:07:49,163 --> 00:07:50,687
It's the same thing.Oh, really?

252
00:07:50,730 --> 00:07:52,122
Is there another guy
on Twilight,

253
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,646
that there's a bit
of a love triangle with?

254
00:07:53,689 --> 00:07:55,343
Yes.

255
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:57,999
Let me... does Twilight
have a wolf in it?

256
00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,435
Yes.It does?

257
00:07:59,478 --> 00:08:00,567
Yes.

258
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:01,524
Is Twilightin Seattle?

259
00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:03,786
Yes!

260
00:08:05,005 --> 00:08:08,574
Well, then whoever wrote that
is smart.

261
00:08:08,617 --> 00:08:10,098
Um, listen,

262
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:12,012
I know you were very young,

263
00:08:12,055 --> 00:08:13,797
and I'll completely forgive you,

264
00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:15,711
just tell me the truth--

265
00:08:15,755 --> 00:08:17,627
Did you drive my van?

266
00:08:17,670 --> 00:08:19,759
Joan, I have told you this.

267
00:08:19,802 --> 00:08:21,543
It wasn't me.

268
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,589
Okay, I believe you.

269
00:08:23,632 --> 00:08:25,548
I know it was you.

270
00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:30,639
Wow, I look like
a slutty Katie Couric.

271
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:33,947
The trap has been set.

272
00:08:33,990 --> 00:08:35,818
Is is working?
Mm-hmm.

273
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,211
Croce makes my mom frisky.

274
00:08:37,254 --> 00:08:38,474
Check it out.

275
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,909
♪

276
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,172
Oh, hey, your mom
looks great.

277
00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:42,565
Really? [clicks tongue]

278
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,567
Go hit on her.
What?

279
00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:45,786
My dad gets super jealous.

280
00:08:45,828 --> 00:08:47,614
So if you go lay some
sweet game on her...

281
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,789
Go hit on your mother?I was going to make
Schmidt do it.

282
00:08:49,832 --> 00:08:50,921
No, no, no, I can't hit on...

283
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:53,270
Hey, Mom. Mom, uh,
Jess...

284
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:55,970
Nick was just saying
that your décolletage

285
00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:58,668
looks bewitching
in that dress.

286
00:08:58,711 --> 00:09:00,756
Right, Nick?Thank you.

287
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:03,412
[clears throat]
I like your de, uh...

288
00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:06,414
your de... de-collage.

289
00:09:06,457 --> 00:09:07,634
Say hello to my
sister wives,

290
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,635
Mrs. Schmidt and
Mrs. Schmidt.

291
00:09:09,678 --> 00:09:11,245
[both grunting]

292
00:09:11,288 --> 00:09:13,422
All right, time
for delts? Yeah.
Oh, yeah?

293
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:15,250
I'm slowly regretting this.

294
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:16,817
[scoffs] Definition
is for chicks, man.

295
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:18,034
All right, it's
all about size.

296
00:09:18,078 --> 00:09:19,820
I mean, look at the
mass on this bitch.

297
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,648
Stupid.
What's your calf
situation like?

298
00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:23,519
Calves?
Want to see some ankle circles?

299
00:09:23,562 --> 00:09:24,738
Look at that.
Some donkey raises?

300
00:09:24,780 --> 00:09:26,783
One, two...

301
00:09:26,826 --> 00:09:28,088
No, no, no, no, no.
Wheelbarrow.

302
00:09:28,131 --> 00:09:29,830
What's a wheelbarrow?Wheelbarrow.

303
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:30,961
Every kid knows what
a wheelbarrow is.

304
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,267
Put your hands
on the ground.

305
00:09:32,309 --> 00:09:33,834
Hands on the ground.

306
00:09:33,876 --> 00:09:35,879
Hey! All right.

307
00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:37,750
Turn him around.
Faster.
Yeah, all right.

308
00:09:37,793 --> 00:09:39,490
Come on, man,
really work those calves.

309
00:09:39,534 --> 00:09:41,014
Look at this, Winston,
I can do this all day, man.

310
00:09:41,057 --> 00:09:42,711
No, I got it
all day, man.

311
00:09:42,755 --> 00:09:43,844
All day,
I don't even think about it.

312
00:09:43,886 --> 00:09:45,802
That's awesome.
Keep going.

313
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:48,022
All day.
I can do this all day, Winston.I got all day, too!

314
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:49,544
Hey, how long can you
do this for?

315
00:09:49,588 --> 00:09:50,807
I can do this all day!

316
00:09:50,850 --> 00:09:52,678
Yeah, I got all day, too!Winston!

317
00:09:52,721 --> 00:09:53,722
Why are you yelling at me?

318
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:54,681
I'll do this all day!

319
00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:56,639
I'll do it all day,
Winston!

320
00:09:56,682 --> 00:09:58,815
This is great.I'll do it all
day, Winston!

321
00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:00,817
NICK:
Joan, I've got to say

322
00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:01,904
you are great...

323
00:10:01,948 --> 00:10:03,211
at doing what you're doing.

324
00:10:03,254 --> 00:10:05,038
You got those beautiful
strong arms.

325
00:10:05,081 --> 00:10:07,215
You want to give
it a try? Okay.

326
00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:10,826
Mom and Nick seem to be
really getting along great.

327
00:10:10,870 --> 00:10:12,698
Well, no, no, no...Is that good?

328
00:10:12,741 --> 00:10:14,482
You're wasting it.Oh, sorry, then show me.

329
00:10:14,525 --> 00:10:16,267
Mm, yeah.

330
00:10:16,311 --> 00:10:18,312
Yeah, we got to get
the whole thing.

331
00:10:18,355 --> 00:10:19,313
There you go.

332
00:10:19,356 --> 00:10:21,054
What is happening?

333
00:10:21,097 --> 00:10:23,317
I can feel the chemistry
from here.

334
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:24,884
I sprayed all over.

335
00:10:24,927 --> 00:10:26,668
[giggling]
Clean up time.

336
00:10:26,712 --> 00:10:28,845
Like, whoa.

337
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:31,326
Jess, what are you doing?

338
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:32,587
Watching the game.

339
00:10:32,631 --> 00:10:33,676
You're doing the
parent trap thing again.

340
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,591
What? Dad...
Yes.

341
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:36,722
I have a master's degree.

342
00:10:36,765 --> 00:10:38,594
I'm not parent trapping.

343
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,855
You're such a liar.
Seriously,

344
00:10:39,899 --> 00:10:41,336
I'm not... Okay.
Fine, you're right.

345
00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:43,250
You need help.Why do I do that?

346
00:10:43,293 --> 00:10:46,123
I don't understand.
Every time, it never worked out.

347
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,908
Okay, I'm calling
it off. Nick.

348
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:50,084
♪ Every time I try
to tell you ♪

349
00:10:50,126 --> 00:10:51,738
♪ The words just
come out wrong ♪

350
00:10:51,780 --> 00:10:53,740
Nick!

351
00:10:53,783 --> 00:10:55,959
BOTH:
♪ So I have to say
"I love you" ♪

352
00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:57,744
♪ In a song.

353
00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:58,831
Nick!I love that.

354
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,398
Nick!
Thanks for helping me out,

355
00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:01,703
but I'm calling
it off.

356
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,096
She's doing another one
of her parent traps.

357
00:11:03,139 --> 00:11:04,924
Can I top you off?Yes, please.

358
00:11:04,967 --> 00:11:05,881
Hey, Nick,
what are you doing?

359
00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:07,100
I don't know, Jessica.

360
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,798
I'm a little bit confused.

361
00:11:08,841 --> 00:11:09,929
I think I'm
into your mother.

362
00:11:09,972 --> 00:11:11,626
What?!I don't know how it happened.

363
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,062
In truth, it happens
all the time, Nick.

364
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,413
I don't know if it's
the sweet sounds of Jimmy Croce

365
00:11:15,456 --> 00:11:17,197
or the sweet smells
of this turkey...

366
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:18,851
Nick, this is not what
we talked about.

367
00:11:18,894 --> 00:11:21,201
I know but it got...Give me that baster.

368
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:23,769
JOAN: No![Nick and Jess yell]

369
00:11:23,812 --> 00:11:25,162
Okay, everyone.

370
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:26,773
This bird needs to go
back in the oven.

371
00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:28,730
Bob, I need to clean you up
in the bathroom please.

372
00:11:28,774 --> 00:11:29,950
Come on.
Brand-new shirt.

373
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,561
Do I regret it? Yes.

374
00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,998
Would I do it again?
Probably.

375
00:11:35,042 --> 00:11:36,607
It's all right, Joan,
you don't have to do it.

376
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:38,131
You want, you can go
back to your basting.

377
00:11:38,174 --> 00:11:39,610
What, did you get
a little jealous, Bob?

378
00:11:39,654 --> 00:11:40,961
Of that idiot? What,
are you kidding me?

379
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:43,789
You know, she's really
got to stop doing this.

380
00:11:43,832 --> 00:11:45,312
She's so stubborn.

381
00:11:45,355 --> 00:11:46,966
Wonder where she got that?

382
00:11:47,009 --> 00:11:49,838
Did she ever text you
some photos?

383
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:51,623
You mean of you
in the shower?
Yeah.

384
00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:54,625
Yeah, I got 'em.I was just wondering.

385
00:11:54,669 --> 00:11:58,892
Eh, maybe I was a
little jealous.

386
00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:12,034
[grunts]

387
00:12:25,527 --> 00:12:27,049
Seems to me like
this whole thing is a draw.

388
00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:29,792
You did touch a hotter pan,
but he ate a much bigger candle.

389
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:33,013
You belched longer,
he farted louder.

390
00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:35,884
You punched a tree,
he head-butted a bench.

391
00:12:35,928 --> 00:12:38,408
You both bailed on
the fifth testicle punch.

392
00:12:38,452 --> 00:12:40,802
I mean, Schmidt,
how much more can you take?

393
00:12:40,846 --> 00:12:42,630
Schmiggle, I got the belts
rigged up in the bedroom.

394
00:12:42,673 --> 00:12:43,806
Ready to see
who blacks out first?

395
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,067
All right, you know what,
forget it.

396
00:12:45,111 --> 00:12:46,417
Whatever, I-I give.

397
00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:48,855
Yes! That's what
I'm talking about.Wow.

398
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:50,986
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

399
00:12:51,030 --> 00:12:52,727
[grunts]

400
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,817
Yeah, but know this, all right.

401
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:56,905
Your caveman ideas about manhood
are so over.

402
00:12:56,950 --> 00:12:58,865
Manhood today is
about exfoliation,

403
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:00,605
Ha!and cheese courses,

404
00:13:00,649 --> 00:13:03,477
and emotional honesty,
and Paxil.

405
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:05,827
And yes, cutting peppers in the
classic style de julienne.

406
00:13:05,871 --> 00:13:09,875
You may have bested
me in a competition of
pre-Clinton manhood,

407
00:13:09,918 --> 00:13:11,833
but I am Schmidt.

408
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:14,227
A refined and enlightened
pescetarian.

409
00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:16,011
About 90% of the time.

410
00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:19,014
Observe.

411
00:13:19,058 --> 00:13:21,061
What are you doing?

412
00:13:23,323 --> 00:13:25,107
[knife tapping rapidly]

413
00:13:29,155 --> 00:13:34,073
Don't touch the blade--
it's hot.

414
00:13:34,116 --> 00:13:35,205
A classic julienne.

415
00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:37,686
Marine Corps
Cook of the Year 2003.

416
00:13:37,729 --> 00:13:38,904
[grunts]

417
00:13:38,947 --> 00:13:40,863
I can do the same thing
to a man's arm.

418
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:42,517
Yeah, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding.

419
00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:43,909
That's the sound
of round two.

420
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:47,000
Perfection.

421
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,044
This is a masterpiece
right here.

422
00:13:49,088 --> 00:13:50,567
Who's hungry, right?I am starving.

423
00:13:50,611 --> 00:13:52,352
Well, it makes sense
with you two.

424
00:13:52,395 --> 00:13:53,701
You guys must've
worked up an appetite.

425
00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:54,876
What?

426
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:56,052
[bell dings]
Time!
[whoops]

427
00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:57,357
Look at that plating.

428
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:58,924
It's like Picasso.

429
00:13:58,967 --> 00:14:00,927
It's nice squeeze bottle
work there, Bobby Flay.

430
00:14:00,970 --> 00:14:03,015
He is still relevant.Where? Phoenix?

431
00:14:03,058 --> 00:14:04,886
Schmidt, come on,
we are getting hungry.

432
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,279
What don't you guys
just stay here?

433
00:14:06,322 --> 00:14:08,107
I'll sleep on the couch.What?
What are you saying?

434
00:14:08,150 --> 00:14:09,283
What?
Nothing happened.

435
00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:11,284
What are you saying?
What are you saying?

436
00:14:11,327 --> 00:14:12,894
I'm with you.You shouldn't be saying
anything...

437
00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:14,722
Anything,
'cause I don't know anything.

438
00:14:14,765 --> 00:14:15,898
'Cause you're not... you
don't have any information

439
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,159
about anything.Information at all.

440
00:14:17,203 --> 00:14:18,248
Nothing.

441
00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,467
Happened.The answer is nothing.

442
00:14:20,510 --> 00:14:21,817
What?
BIG SCHMIDT:
Answer me a question.

443
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,731
Which one of these platings
is more masculine?

444
00:14:23,774 --> 00:14:26,125
Look, do you guys want to know
what the ultimate test is?

445
00:14:26,168 --> 00:14:28,083
Being secure in
your masculinity.

446
00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:29,780
How do we prove that?I'm super secure.

447
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:30,782
You kiss a man.

448
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,567
[laughs]
Yeah.

449
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,961
If you want to be
the one true Schmidt. I mean...

450
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,048
No. yeah.
I'll kiss a man.

451
00:14:36,091 --> 00:14:37,311
I'll kiss a man.
Yeah, I'll kiss a man.

452
00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:40,052
Winston.
Yeah, he'd do.
Winston?

453
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,054
I could go for some stuffing
right now. Am I right?

454
00:14:42,097 --> 00:14:44,013
Yeah, love me
some stuffing.Yeah, yeah.

455
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:45,927
Yeah, right?
Yeah, let's go.
I'll kiss Winston all day.

456
00:14:45,971 --> 00:14:46,928
I'll do it.

457
00:14:46,972 --> 00:14:47,842
I'll kiss Winston's mouth

458
00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:48,844
all day.

459
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:49,845
Let's do it.

460
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:50,846
All day
I'll kiss Winston...

461
00:14:50,889 --> 00:14:51,933
Everybody else
really hot, too?

462
00:14:51,977 --> 00:14:53,804
Oh, wow.
Hey. Ooh!

463
00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:54,806
Thank you.

464
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:56,068
JOAN:
Manly.

465
00:14:56,111 --> 00:14:57,852
Beautiful.
Hey, Winston, uh,
I got you this

466
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,419
as an after-dinner
mint for after dinner.

467
00:14:59,462 --> 00:15:01,552
Oh, thanks, man.
I appreciate it.Okay? For you to have.

468
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,076
I appreciate that.Just make sure you
take... That's right...

469
00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:04,076
BOB:
What are we having here,
turkey sushi?

470
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:04,947
What is this?

471
00:15:04,990 --> 00:15:07,123
Ooh.

472
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:09,429
I'm gonna make a toast.

473
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:14,129
Parent Trap'sjust a movie.

474
00:15:14,173 --> 00:15:17,177
And real relationships
are not like that.

475
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:18,700
They're more complicated
than that.

476
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,136
And they're not even real twins.

477
00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:22,965
Twins! Yes!

478
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:25,184
I'm thankful for twins.
They're like sisters,

479
00:15:25,227 --> 00:15:26,837
but they do it, and
they like to have sex.

480
00:15:26,881 --> 00:15:28,666
Schmidts.
What?!

481
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,885
What?
JESS:
In conclusion...

482
00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:32,192
[clears throat]

483
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:34,542
I want to say
what I'm thankful for.

484
00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:37,893
Family.

485
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:42,375
They said...
it couldn't be done.

486
00:15:42,418 --> 00:15:43,899
They said,

487
00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:45,552
"You're crazy, Jess."

488
00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:48,120
I am so thankful today
that I proved them wrong.

489
00:15:48,163 --> 00:15:50,165
JOAN:
Whoa, honey, what?

490
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:51,471
Whoa, hey, hey, wait.
What are you saying?

491
00:15:51,514 --> 00:15:53,561
Congratulations, guys.
We saw you guys doing it

492
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:55,258
in the bathroom.
No, no, no,
no, no.

493
00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:56,999
We saw you guys doing it
in the bathroom.It was the greatest day

494
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,000
of my entire life.NICK:
Greatest day of mine.

495
00:15:59,044 --> 00:16:00,394
There was so much love there.

496
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,134
And sex. Sex energy,
too, Jess.

497
00:16:02,177 --> 00:16:03,222
And se-sex.

498
00:16:03,265 --> 00:16:05,181
NICK:
You lit this place on fire,

499
00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:07,009
you two animals.It was just a kiss.

500
00:16:07,052 --> 00:16:08,183
It was a greatkiss.

501
00:16:08,227 --> 00:16:09,924
It was a hookup.
It meant nothing.

502
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,187
SCHMIDT:
Listen, if Joanie's
up for grabs,

503
00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:13,014
I volunteer.
I volunteer, too.

504
00:16:13,058 --> 00:16:14,495
I volunteered first.Don't even matter.

505
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:16,235
You can't volunteer
right after...I'm in the game now.

506
00:16:16,278 --> 00:16:18,019
You just wanted
me for my body.

507
00:16:18,063 --> 00:16:20,240
Yup.
And I'm fine
with that.

508
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:22,024
Joanie, what if
it was like that?That's not bad.

509
00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:24,157
I saw something. You guys had
a spark, you connected.

510
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,854
Let's get natural.
Bring it to you.

511
00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:27,246
JESS:
I swear, if you got
together today,

512
00:16:27,289 --> 00:16:28,682
it would be different
than before.

513
00:16:28,725 --> 00:16:30,032
I think you could
make each other happy.

514
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,163
I'm serious. No. What?
Let me finish.

515
00:16:31,206 --> 00:16:32,817
Jess, you got to
let it go, okay?

516
00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:34,254
No, I'm not letting it go!

517
00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:35,558
You have to admit that...
No.

518
00:16:35,602 --> 00:16:37,038
What?
...they're never gonna
make it work.

519
00:16:37,082 --> 00:16:38,735
No.
And you scratched my van.

520
00:16:38,779 --> 00:16:40,520
Mom, she didn't mean
to scratch your van.

521
00:16:40,563 --> 00:16:41,956
[gasps]
I knew it. I knew it.

522
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,176
Didn't I tell you? I knew it.

523
00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,091
Okay, the reason
I was in your van

524
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,875
is because your little
Jujube was high as a kite!

525
00:16:47,918 --> 00:16:49,399
BOB:
Oh.
Oh, my God.

526
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,313
Honey, are you
an addict?
Oh, this is
new information.

527
00:16:51,357 --> 00:16:53,490
It was a brownie. I wasn't
allowed to eat chocolate.

528
00:16:53,533 --> 00:16:54,490
Yes. What, are you
living with drug dealers?

529
00:16:54,534 --> 00:16:55,491
[all talking]

530
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:58,278
When can we start eating?

531
00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:00,062
Are you into pot?
Is this a rehab?What are you doing?

532
00:17:00,105 --> 00:17:01,629
Are you selling your
body to pay for the rent?

533
00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,239
I don't sell my body
for rent, no!

534
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,327
[all talking]

535
00:17:05,372 --> 00:17:08,288
When can we start eating?

536
00:17:08,330 --> 00:17:10,071
It's off. Off.

537
00:17:10,115 --> 00:17:11,726
Shut up, everybody!

538
00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:15,730
[silence]

539
00:17:15,772 --> 00:17:18,211
I just want to be a family.

540
00:17:18,253 --> 00:17:20,778
Jess.

541
00:17:20,821 --> 00:17:22,345
You have a family.

542
00:17:23,693 --> 00:17:25,782
Your father and I are not
getting back together.

543
00:17:25,826 --> 00:17:27,523
Never.

544
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:43,061
Jess.

545
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:46,281
Honey?
Where you going?

546
00:17:46,326 --> 00:17:47,066
Jess?

547
00:17:48,153 --> 00:17:49,154
Turkey.

548
00:18:09,174 --> 00:18:11,307
Jess. Honey,
can I come in?

549
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,743
Or do you have your
dad hiding in the closet,

550
00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:15,355
waiting to make
out with me?

551
00:18:15,397 --> 00:18:18,096
[laughs]

552
00:18:22,404 --> 00:18:24,145
I'm sorry.

553
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,147
I'm sorry. I ruined
the whole day,

554
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:28,541
and it could have been
really nice, but it wasn't,

555
00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:31,153
'cause I tried to shove a turkey
down a garbage disposal.

556
00:18:31,196 --> 00:18:33,807
[laughs]
I just...

557
00:18:33,851 --> 00:18:36,288
I thought...

558
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:39,335
maybe you guys could
make each other happy.

559
00:18:39,378 --> 00:18:42,598
We're actually
happier apart.

560
00:18:42,643 --> 00:18:45,211
Maybe I just worried that...

561
00:18:45,253 --> 00:18:47,082
since you guys are alone

562
00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:49,345
that means that I have
to end up alone.

563
00:18:49,388 --> 00:18:50,780
You're not
gonna be alone.

564
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:52,347
Even if you were,

565
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,045
you could always
move in with me.

566
00:18:54,088 --> 00:18:56,177
We could get a
condo in Miami.

567
00:18:56,221 --> 00:18:58,048
Mm.

568
00:18:58,093 --> 00:19:00,313
And start solving
crimes together.

569
00:19:00,355 --> 00:19:02,183
God, you have to
lighten up, Jess.

570
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:04,621
It's just life. [chuckles]

571
00:19:04,664 --> 00:19:06,405
Yeah, you know what?

572
00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:07,884
We could definitely Grey Gardens

573
00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:11,061
the crap out of
a condo in Miami.
[laughs]

574
00:19:11,105 --> 00:19:13,194
Can't wait to eat cat food
with you.
[yowls]

575
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:15,675
[laughter]

576
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:17,634
I'm okay. Don't
worry about me.

577
00:19:17,678 --> 00:19:19,419
And so is
your dad.

578
00:19:19,461 --> 00:19:21,421
Okay.

579
00:19:21,463 --> 00:19:22,551
BIG SCHMIDT:
We doing this or not?

580
00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:25,207
I'm going in.

581
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:31,344
Mmm. Mmm.

582
00:19:31,386 --> 00:19:34,041
What's up, bro?
What's up?

583
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:36,218
No.

584
00:19:36,261 --> 00:19:37,262
Face smells like
a dude's face.

585
00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:39,089
Not for me.
Hmm.

586
00:19:39,134 --> 00:19:40,569
All right.
[clears his throat]

587
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:43,269
Watch how a real
man does it.

588
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:50,450
Hey, Winston?

589
00:19:53,452 --> 00:19:54,627
What's up?

590
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:56,455
BIG SCHMIDT:
Yeah.WINSTON: I know, right?

591
00:19:56,499 --> 00:19:57,586
Yeah.

592
00:19:57,631 --> 00:19:59,285
[laughs] Hmm.

593
00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:02,243
Okay, well, then it's off.

594
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:03,897
Game over.

595
00:20:03,941 --> 00:20:06,291
No. No way.

596
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:07,292
Winston?
Hmm?

597
00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:09,076
All day!
[groaning]

598
00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:10,338
[Winston groans]

599
00:20:10,383 --> 00:20:11,471
Whoa!

600
00:20:11,513 --> 00:20:12,471
Whoa!
Whoa!

601
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:13,385
BIG SCHMIDT:
I did it.

602
00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:14,778
I'm the one
true Schmidt!

603
00:20:14,821 --> 00:20:16,084
You got it, man.
You can be Schmidt.
I'm Schmiggle.

604
00:20:16,126 --> 00:20:17,390
WINSTON:
You should not do that
on Thanksgiving.

605
00:20:17,432 --> 00:20:19,260
WINSTON:
I'm out! That is messed up![whoops]

606
00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,307
I kissed a dude!

607
00:20:24,309 --> 00:20:27,574
Oh, I miss Krista.

608
00:20:31,098 --> 00:20:33,449
[sighs]

609
00:20:33,492 --> 00:20:36,322
You know, she had
a little mustache, too?

610
00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:39,193
I know she did.

611
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:42,197
You okay... Schmidt?

612
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:46,461
Yes... I am...

613
00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:47,594
Schmidt.

614
00:20:49,551 --> 00:20:51,858
Happy Thanksgiving.

615
00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:53,338
Give me a hug.
I love you, sweetie.

616
00:20:53,382 --> 00:20:54,339
Love you.

617
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:55,644
Love you, sweetheart.

618
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,517
Love you, Mom.
Love you, too,
sweetheart.

619
00:20:57,559 --> 00:20:59,474
Joan, I just want to say that

620
00:20:59,519 --> 00:21:01,868
I'm really happy that, you know,
we got past all that.

621
00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:04,219
Come here, Cece.

622
00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:08,483
Give my little girl
drugs again-- I will end you.

623
00:21:08,528 --> 00:21:09,528
Bye.

624
00:21:09,571 --> 00:21:10,921
Bye, everybody.

625
00:21:10,964 --> 00:21:12,488
And no more
parent traps.
Okay.

626
00:21:12,531 --> 00:21:13,968
Yeah. We're done with those.

627
00:21:14,010 --> 00:21:15,577
Got it.Been there, trapped that.

628
00:21:15,622 --> 00:21:17,971
Bye.Love you guys. Bye.

629
00:21:19,538 --> 00:21:22,150
[elevator bell dings]

630
00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:28,765
[sighs]

631
00:21:30,419 --> 00:21:32,464
I won't tell her if you don't.

632
00:21:32,508 --> 00:21:34,509
Tell her about what?

633
00:21:40,516 --> 00:21:43,605
Captioned by
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