1
00:00:02,306 --> 00:00:05,134
Okay, gas, electric, and cable

2
00:00:05,179 --> 00:00:07,224
comes out to $219.34.

3
00:00:07,267 --> 00:00:08,486
Jessica?

4
00:00:08,529 --> 00:00:10,183
Do you have anything
to contribute?

5
00:00:10,227 --> 00:00:13,186
Here we go.They're not all legal tenders,

6
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:15,102
but they have value, like...Sure.

7
00:00:15,144 --> 00:00:16,885
That's $5.00.
$5.00.

8
00:00:16,928 --> 00:00:18,278
Library card.

9
00:00:18,321 --> 00:00:20,280
Library's not just
for books anymore.
Mm-hmm.

10
00:00:20,324 --> 00:00:21,760
Library card.Also, you can check out
compact discs.

11
00:00:21,803 --> 00:00:23,675
What else?
This is a fortune.
Um, yeah.

12
00:00:23,719 --> 00:00:26,242
"You are lucky and success."
How ironic.

13
00:00:26,286 --> 00:00:28,724
That's going right to the
gas company. "Paid in full."

14
00:00:28,766 --> 00:00:30,464
Jess, we can't keep
covering for you.

15
00:00:30,507 --> 00:00:32,075
Yes. I understand.

16
00:00:32,118 --> 00:00:33,250
It's just that, um...

17
00:00:33,293 --> 00:00:35,209
recently I went through a,
uh, life change

18
00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:36,470
where I was fired.

19
00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:37,776
Maybe I can borrow

20
00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:41,692
the money from my
good friend... Winston?

21
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:44,087
You know, I really wish
I could, Jess, but, uh...

22
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:46,307
I'm a single man now,
so basically I have to be able

23
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:50,223
to trick women into thinking
that I can buy them stuff.

24
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:51,268
NICK:
Okay!

25
00:00:51,311 --> 00:00:53,704
Here is my share...

26
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:56,317
to the penny.

27
00:00:56,359 --> 00:00:58,274
Yeah! I'm not the poorest!

28
00:00:58,319 --> 00:00:59,972
Second poorest.
Now you're the poorest.

29
00:01:00,015 --> 00:01:01,539
That's gotta be rock bottom.Yeah, I got it.

30
00:01:01,582 --> 00:01:02,887
You know what?
I'm shutting off the gas

31
00:01:02,932 --> 00:01:03,975
until you can get me the money.

32
00:01:04,019 --> 00:01:05,281
What?What are you talking about?

33
00:01:05,325 --> 00:01:07,240
Don't scapegoat me.I just gave you my money.

34
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:08,763
That's called tough love,
all right?

35
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:10,287
No more handouts.

36
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:11,506
Now, what are you
going to do about it?

37
00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:13,289
How are you gonna
pay the gas bill?

38
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,551
I don't know.NICK:
I've got an idea.

39
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:15,813
Get a job.

40
00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:17,164
The school year's
already started.

41
00:01:17,206 --> 00:01:18,382
I have a lot of
decisions to make

42
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:19,817
as far as my résumé
is concerned.

43
00:01:19,861 --> 00:01:21,298
I have to choose a font,

44
00:01:21,341 --> 00:01:23,299
spacing, columns...

45
00:01:23,343 --> 00:01:25,346
Okay, just update
your résumé, you ninny.

46
00:01:25,388 --> 00:01:27,129
Did you call me a ninny?
NICK:
Yeah, I called you a ninny,

47
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,176
'cause you're acting
like a ninny, you ninny!

48
00:01:29,218 --> 00:01:31,177
Don't call me a ninny,
I'm PMSing!

49
00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:32,743
Ah! Why would
you... yucky!No, no, no.

50
00:01:32,787 --> 00:01:34,137
I don't want to hear it.It hurts.

51
00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:35,182
I feel like I've
laid a million eggs

52
00:01:35,224 --> 00:01:36,356
and they're all hatching.

53
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,359
I feel like I
want to murder someone,

54
00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:40,317
and also I want
soft pretzels.

55
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,840
You know what?
I feel the same way.

56
00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:43,406
Shut up!
Shut up, you!

57
00:01:43,450 --> 00:01:45,365
'Cause I don't want to hear it!

58
00:01:45,408 --> 00:01:46,280
I've had it!

59
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:47,585
If any of you cross me,

60
00:01:47,628 --> 00:01:50,414
I'm gonna kick the testicles
clean off your body!

61
00:01:50,457 --> 00:01:53,156
Clean off! You'll look like
Ken dolls down there.

62
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,158
Because that's where
I'm at right now.

63
00:01:55,201 --> 00:01:57,334
Now which one of you guys

64
00:01:57,378 --> 00:02:01,076
wants to tell me to get a job?

65
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,382
Hmm?

66
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:06,299
Who wants to look me in the face

67
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:09,302
and tell me to get a job?

68
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:11,260
Whatever.

69
00:02:12,348 --> 00:02:13,437
"Whatever?"

70
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,308
What does that mean, huh?Whatever.

71
00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:17,746
It better mean,
"Whatever you say, Jess."

72
00:02:17,788 --> 00:02:20,182
I don't think it's fair
that women have an excuse

73
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:22,402
once a month to act
irrationally angry

74
00:02:22,445 --> 00:02:24,534
when the rest of us have to
keep it together all the time.

75
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:26,407
You're irrationally angry

76
00:02:26,449 --> 00:02:28,191
365 days a year, Nick.

77
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,453
What are you talking about?

78
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:33,370
I will push if I want to push!

79
00:02:33,413 --> 00:02:35,024
Come on!

80
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:37,243
[grunting]

81
00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:39,070
I hate doors!

82
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:40,769
Really? Well, that's just
your personal opinion,

83
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:42,204
'cause I don't
have anger issues.

84
00:02:42,248 --> 00:02:43,554
You guys think
I have anger issues?

85
00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:45,252
Well, I mean, I wouldn't
exactly call it an issue.

86
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:47,122
An issue is something
you can fix.

87
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,384
Been that way
since I can remember.

88
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:52,215
This is some
watered-down nonsense.

89
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,478
You're some no-good shysters!

90
00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:59,875
On a related note, I've just
decided to take a walk.

91
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:02,181
Fine! Leave!

92
00:03:03,312 --> 00:03:05,489
Now, if you'll excuse me,
gentlemen,

93
00:03:05,532 --> 00:03:07,274
I'm gonna go get a job,
like it's my...

94
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,449
Job?Shut up!

95
00:03:08,491 --> 00:03:10,885
♪ Who's that girl?

96
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:12,974
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.

97
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,466
Please don't do that, sir.
Please.

98
00:03:26,509 --> 00:03:28,686
I would love to sit
by myself right now.

99
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:32,820
There's something real
creepy about you, pal.

100
00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:35,301
You want to get weird?
Let's get weird.

101
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:42,699
You got a nice face.

102
00:03:42,743 --> 00:03:44,485
[sighs]

103
00:03:44,527 --> 00:03:45,659
An anger problem?

104
00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:47,487
Living with them?
Are you kidding me?

105
00:03:47,531 --> 00:03:48,444
It's frustrating.

106
00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:49,925
It's like...
just get a job.

107
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,360
I like your hat.

108
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:52,492
I like how it's not
a team or a logo,

109
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,146
it's just blue.

110
00:03:54,189 --> 00:03:57,019
Would you rather be covered
in fish scales or feathers?

111
00:03:59,325 --> 00:04:00,413
[laughing]:
Scales?

112
00:04:00,456 --> 00:04:01,675
Why, you weirdo?

113
00:04:01,718 --> 00:04:04,853
You want to see me
jump really high?

114
00:04:04,895 --> 00:04:06,550
Ha! Ah ha![laughing]

115
00:04:06,593 --> 00:04:08,596
I'm afraid of dying, man.

116
00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:12,294
Who am I?!

117
00:04:12,338 --> 00:04:14,210
The enemy is en-e-my.

118
00:04:14,253 --> 00:04:17,430
The enemy is
the inner me.

119
00:04:17,473 --> 00:04:19,389
[laughs]
Can you understand
a word I'm saying?

120
00:04:19,432 --> 00:04:21,303
You just nod at everything.

121
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,305
I need to change.

122
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,307
And you've showed me that.

123
00:04:24,350 --> 00:04:26,961
I have an anger problem.

124
00:04:27,004 --> 00:04:28,355
Thank you.

125
00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:29,399
Can I get a hug?

126
00:04:33,968 --> 00:04:35,317
I've got a story for you guys.Ooh.

127
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,363
I met someone at work.

128
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:39,408
Emma Sharpe.

129
00:04:39,452 --> 00:04:40,757
Divisional VP of
all North America.

130
00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:42,324
Wh-What are you doing
in the break room?

131
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:44,370
This break room is in
North America, isn't it?

132
00:04:44,413 --> 00:04:47,417
Sure.
That means I'm
the Vice President of it.

133
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:56,252
I am the Vice President
of everything in North America.

134
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:58,036
That sounds like...
sexual harassment.

135
00:04:58,079 --> 00:05:00,125
Robby, there's a fine line
between sexual harassment

136
00:05:00,168 --> 00:05:02,432
and something awesome.I thought you hated
your co-workers.

137
00:05:02,475 --> 00:05:04,521
You said they were a bunch of...Pant-suited corporate
She-Hulks?

138
00:05:04,564 --> 00:05:05,826
Yeah, I know what I said.

139
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:08,524
Emma is the craziest woman
to ever hit on me.

140
00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:10,526
ROBBY:
Schmidt, you're
such a nice guy.

141
00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:12,399
Thank you.What you deserve is
a girl who respects you.

142
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:13,877
You know? A nice girl.Mm-hmm.

143
00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:15,793
I'm not into the nice thing,
Robby. Doesn't do it for me.

144
00:05:15,836 --> 00:05:17,403
Well, that's what
I thought, too.
Yeah.

145
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:19,492
You know, until I found, uh...
this one right here.

146
00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:22,365
You mean Cece?

147
00:05:22,408 --> 00:05:24,802
You think that I'm... nice?

148
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,151
No.

149
00:05:26,194 --> 00:05:28,065
I think you're the nicest.

150
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:29,720
Mm.
Hmm.

151
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:32,331
Robby![laughs]

152
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:36,509
Yes, the man just left.

153
00:05:36,552 --> 00:05:38,380
And he turned off the gas.

154
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:40,077
Yeah, I'm refusing to
pay my gas bill

155
00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:41,297
as a matter of principle.

156
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,428
You'd like me to
take the survey?

157
00:05:42,471 --> 00:05:43,821
Of course I'll
take the survey.

158
00:05:43,865 --> 00:05:45,387
Schmidt?
Yeah, hold on.

159
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:47,172
Can I share something
with you, man to man?

160
00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:49,566
Oh. I'm...

161
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:50,827
[tinny music plays]

162
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:52,439
You have to promise me
you will not laugh.

163
00:05:52,481 --> 00:05:54,441
Look, I'm... you're not
talking to Nick, here.

164
00:05:54,483 --> 00:05:55,572
Talking to Schmidt.

165
00:05:55,615 --> 00:05:56,659
Schmidt, I think
I'm getting my period.

166
00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:02,579
Okay.

167
00:06:02,622 --> 00:06:04,538
This is a real thing, okay?
I looked it up on the Internet.

168
00:06:04,581 --> 00:06:06,627
It's called, uh,
"sympathy PMS," right?

169
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:07,757
Now, apparently this
is an affliction

170
00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:09,499
that men suffer from
all the time.

171
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:10,500
Right on.

172
00:06:10,543 --> 00:06:12,283
I don't know
how it happened, man,

173
00:06:12,327 --> 00:06:16,550
but somehow, I got on that
woman's cycle of menstruation...

174
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,639
and I got that menstruation
inside of me.

175
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:19,769
Winston!

176
00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:21,641
Men can't get their periods.

177
00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:22,598
Where would they
put the tampon?

178
00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,035
Hey! Are you calling me stupid?

179
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,427
You're the one
that's stupid, okay?

180
00:06:25,471 --> 00:06:26,689
You jack-faced butthole!

181
00:06:26,733 --> 00:06:27,908
JESS:
Who's the jack-faced butthole

182
00:06:27,951 --> 00:06:29,605
who turned off the hot water?!

183
00:06:29,649 --> 00:06:31,129
Witch!
What have you done to my body?

184
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:32,478
Shut up, you!

185
00:06:32,521 --> 00:06:33,870
Why is there no hot water?!

186
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,264
Oh, I'm sorry, Jess.

187
00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:36,264
If you don't pay,
you don't play.

188
00:06:36,307 --> 00:06:37,831
You also don't shower.

189
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,050
Are you serious?

190
00:06:39,093 --> 00:06:40,661
Thank you, Denise.
NICK:
Hey, hey!

191
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:41,617
Hey, great buddies.

192
00:06:41,661 --> 00:06:42,836
Ow, my skin!
Okay.

193
00:06:42,879 --> 00:06:45,143
Roommates... hey, buddy.Don't poke me.

194
00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:48,233
Something wonderful
happened to me today,

195
00:06:48,276 --> 00:06:50,497
and I am no longer angry.
It's gone.

196
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,149
Oh, shut up, Nick.[laughs]

197
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:53,456
So let me get this straight:

198
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,588
nothing at all's
going to set you off?

199
00:06:54,630 --> 00:06:55,502
That's right.

200
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:57,067
Nothing's gonna get to me,

201
00:06:57,112 --> 00:06:58,329
'cause it's a new Nick Miller.

202
00:06:58,374 --> 00:07:00,550
Awesome. Hey, Winston,
tell him what you have.

203
00:07:00,593 --> 00:07:02,639
Sympathy PMS.
It's a real thing,
I looked it up.

204
00:07:02,682 --> 00:07:04,336
Sympathy PMS?
What's that?
JESS:
No!

205
00:07:04,379 --> 00:07:05,512
PMS is mine!

206
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:07,382
Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.

207
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,471
You're telling me you're having

208
00:07:08,514 --> 00:07:09,689
a pre-menstrual
something right now?

209
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,473
Yes.
Okay.

210
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:13,345
It's like a character
in a Judy Blume novel.

211
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:14,302
No! You can't have my menzies.

212
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:15,521
He's got her menzies.

213
00:07:15,564 --> 00:07:16,740
No part of this conversation

214
00:07:16,783 --> 00:07:18,480
is making me want to
boil over with rage.

215
00:07:18,524 --> 00:07:21,571
I feel really good, guys.

216
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,747
[water running]

217
00:07:23,790 --> 00:07:26,314
Hey gang, why is
the water so cold?

218
00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:27,882
Schmidt turned off
the hot water,

219
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,360
because it's not enough that
I have to go on an interview

220
00:07:29,404 --> 00:07:30,362
with the red devil in my belly,

221
00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:32,408
I also have to go unshowered.

222
00:07:32,451 --> 00:07:34,409
So let me get this straight:
there's no hot water
in the whole house?

223
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,846
Yeah.
[chuckles]

224
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:36,891
Seems strange.

225
00:07:36,933 --> 00:07:38,588
Maybe a cold shower
will wake you up

226
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,590
to some harsh financial
realities, Jessica Day.

227
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:43,505
You don't control my heat,
Theodore P. Gasbag.

228
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:44,637
NICK:
This is good!

229
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:45,552
We got a lot of
feelings going around.

230
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:46,552
A lot of anger.

231
00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,119
And you. You...

232
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:49,512
You're suddenly calm?

233
00:07:49,555 --> 00:07:50,817
Yeah.
Really?

234
00:07:50,860 --> 00:07:53,428
It feels like a fat man's
sitting on my uterus.

235
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,430
I hear that.

236
00:07:54,473 --> 00:07:56,692
[yelling]

237
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:58,086
Gonna go to the store!

238
00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,303
Does anybody want anything?!

239
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:01,480
Thank you, Denise.

240
00:08:03,656 --> 00:08:04,658
Hey, you wanted to see me?

241
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:06,747
Shut the door.

242
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,531
Whoa.

243
00:08:08,574 --> 00:08:10,706
Quick reflexes. Good.

244
00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:14,536
I am going to devour you.

245
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,408
You see that contract?Oh, the thick one?

246
00:08:16,451 --> 00:08:18,454
With all those tabbies?

247
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,543
Do me on it.

248
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,067
Pick that up.

249
00:08:23,110 --> 00:08:25,721
Did you just ask me to pick
it up to see me bend over?

250
00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:26,766
No.

251
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:29,944
Oh, wait, I'm doing it.

252
00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:31,336
Stand up.

253
00:08:31,379 --> 00:08:32,642
[sighs]

254
00:08:32,686 --> 00:08:33,817
What is this thing?

255
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:34,948
You're gonna have to sign it

256
00:08:34,991 --> 00:08:35,905
before anything
can happen between us.

257
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:37,341
"Party A
absolves Party B

258
00:08:37,385 --> 00:08:39,562
"of any
psychological trauma,

259
00:08:39,605 --> 00:08:41,738
whether temporary, permanent,
future or imagined."

260
00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,566
After we do what we do,
you're gonna want to talk.

261
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:44,827
I can't allow that.

262
00:08:44,871 --> 00:08:46,613
The less risk I incur,
the more I can focus on

263
00:08:46,655 --> 00:08:49,658
creating a viable sexual
experience for both of us.

264
00:08:49,702 --> 00:08:51,573
You're gonna want
to sign it.

265
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,576
"Possible exposure
to lead paint."

266
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,796
Do I have a
latex allergy?

267
00:08:55,838 --> 00:08:56,840
That's very important.

268
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:58,581
"Guaranteed
mercury poisoning"?

269
00:08:58,625 --> 00:08:59,495
Mm.

270
00:08:59,538 --> 00:09:00,322
Is this real?

271
00:09:02,323 --> 00:09:04,892
You have till week's end
to sign it.

272
00:09:06,414 --> 00:09:07,634
What is your name?!

273
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,504
I can't keep
thinking of you

274
00:09:09,548 --> 00:09:11,419
as my magical best
friend with no name.

275
00:09:11,462 --> 00:09:14,075
Joe. Tommy.

276
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:16,599
Louis. Tran.

277
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:19,036
Is it Tran?

278
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,690
[laughs]

279
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:21,822
What a crazy guess!

280
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:23,823
Beautiful name.
Fits you perfectly.

281
00:09:23,866 --> 00:09:26,696
My roommates
are killing me.

282
00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:30,481
Fine, you're right.

283
00:09:30,525 --> 00:09:31,788
Okay, I like
them, all right?

284
00:09:31,831 --> 00:09:33,442
I hate myself. Is that
what you want me to say?

285
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:36,445
Why do you always have to
make everything so simple?!

286
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,054
How do you
just get it?

287
00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:39,447
How do I become you?

288
00:09:39,490 --> 00:09:41,318
Show me the way, man.
I'll do anything.

289
00:09:44,278 --> 00:09:46,236
[groans]

290
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:47,673
All right,
man, I'm in.

291
00:09:47,716 --> 00:09:50,414
You lead, my man.

292
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,288
All right, whatever is about
to happen's gonna happen.

293
00:10:10,957 --> 00:10:13,743
Jessica Day?

294
00:10:13,787 --> 00:10:15,571
So why do you want
to teach adults?

295
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,052
I think it's really inspiring
that these people have chosen

296
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:19,488
to go back to school,
you know,

297
00:10:19,530 --> 00:10:21,663
that they want to read
To Kill A Mockingbird,

298
00:10:21,707 --> 00:10:22,533
that they want...
Oh!

299
00:10:22,577 --> 00:10:25,014
I named my dog Boo after...

300
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,538
After Boo Radley?

301
00:10:26,581 --> 00:10:28,062
Exactly.That's amazing.

302
00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:28,845
Oh, my God.

303
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:30,106
She was a puppy.

304
00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:31,500
She's so cute.

305
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:32,456
I know.

306
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:34,197
Such a cutie.

307
00:10:36,897 --> 00:10:38,506
[sniffles]

308
00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:43,511
[sniffles]

309
00:10:43,554 --> 00:10:46,863
[voice breaking]:
This cup is so tiny.

310
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:49,169
So cute.

311
00:10:49,212 --> 00:10:50,911
Sorry, how did
she fit in the cup?

312
00:10:50,953 --> 00:10:52,476
I just don't understand.

313
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:55,393
Just physically,
how did she get so small?

314
00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:58,308
I'm sorry, um...

315
00:10:58,352 --> 00:10:59,788
I'm sorry, I got this...

316
00:10:59,832 --> 00:11:01,399
I don't know what's wrong.

317
00:11:01,442 --> 00:11:02,486
So weird.

318
00:11:02,530 --> 00:11:04,706
Never happens to me.

319
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:05,751
She's really cute.

320
00:11:05,794 --> 00:11:07,144
Yes, she was.

321
00:11:14,673 --> 00:11:15,630
Did she die?

322
00:11:15,674 --> 00:11:16,719
It's fine.

323
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:17,764
It's been two years.

324
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:20,635
[sputters]

325
00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:22,158
[sobbing]

326
00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:29,950
[sobbing]:
Puppy...

327
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,908
in a...

328
00:11:32,952 --> 00:11:34,823
cup.

329
00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:37,000
[sobbing]

330
00:11:37,043 --> 00:11:38,567
[sniffles]

331
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:39,915
So... [chuckles]

332
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,352
we're both dog people, right?

333
00:11:48,707 --> 00:11:50,100
Schmidt, am I nice?

334
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:52,275
No.
Thank you.

335
00:11:53,581 --> 00:11:55,365
Nobody thinks
I'm a nice girl, okay?

336
00:11:55,409 --> 00:11:56,411
I'm the mistake.

337
00:11:56,453 --> 00:11:57,890
Ah, Robby.

338
00:11:57,933 --> 00:12:00,763
Midwestern heart,
Midwestern body.

339
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:01,981
I'm the one
who messes things up.

340
00:12:02,024 --> 00:12:03,070
I agree with you.

341
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:04,767
I feel like
he doesn't even know me.

342
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,812
[groans]

343
00:12:06,855 --> 00:12:08,379
You're getting your smell
all over the comforter.

344
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:09,816
Oh, my God.

345
00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:11,687
Took me months to get rid of
that heavenly curry smell.

346
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:12,861
What happens
when he realizes

347
00:12:12,905 --> 00:12:14,951
he was wrong about
me the entire time?

348
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:16,169
He's just
gonna run away.

349
00:12:16,212 --> 00:12:17,953
I would, I would
never run away from you.

350
00:12:19,650 --> 00:12:21,740
But if I did, I would run
way faster than Robby.

351
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,787
'Cause he's slow.

352
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:26,092
And I'm fast.

353
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:32,490
Maybe I'm just not meant for
a functional relationship.

354
00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:34,578
You know me, Schmidt.

355
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:36,798
You don't ever
have to be nice around me.

356
00:12:36,842 --> 00:12:38,626
I'm not scared of you.

357
00:12:38,669 --> 00:12:40,236
I mean, I'm bad.

358
00:12:41,847 --> 00:12:43,500
I do...

359
00:12:43,544 --> 00:12:46,634
I do bad things.

360
00:12:46,677 --> 00:12:47,809
I don't think
you're a nice girl.

361
00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:50,725
Think you're the worst.

362
00:12:58,865 --> 00:12:59,517
No.

363
00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:00,605
No...?

364
00:13:00,649 --> 00:13:03,259
No. I can't do
this to Robby.

365
00:13:03,303 --> 00:13:05,087
But you're a bad person.
We discussed that.

366
00:13:05,131 --> 00:13:06,697
You're a bad person,
I'm a bad person.
Yep.

367
00:13:06,741 --> 00:13:08,700
We can totally do this.
No qualms.

368
00:13:08,744 --> 00:13:10,528
I have a qualm.
I have a qualm.You don't have a qualm.

369
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:11,791
We sold our qualms,

370
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,009
and we used the profits
to buy perfect bodies.

371
00:13:13,052 --> 00:13:15,229
Robby is right.
Hmm.

372
00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:17,840
I'm nice.I'm not nice, all right?

373
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:20,408
And I like Robby, but that is
doing nothing right now

374
00:13:20,451 --> 00:13:22,539
from stopping me
from wanting to kiss you.

375
00:13:22,583 --> 00:13:23,672
Stop, stop,
stop, stop.

376
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:25,282
But I-I don't
want to stop.
[laughs]

377
00:13:25,326 --> 00:13:26,370
I really don't.

378
00:13:26,413 --> 00:13:28,284
I will never stop
wanting to kiss you.

379
00:13:28,328 --> 00:13:31,722
I am a monster.

380
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,072
I got to go.

381
00:13:33,115 --> 00:13:34,335
Yeah, sure.
Have fun.

382
00:13:34,378 --> 00:13:36,293
Thank you. I really
needed this.

383
00:13:36,336 --> 00:13:37,511
Mm-hmm.

384
00:13:41,515 --> 00:13:42,865
[sighs]

385
00:13:42,908 --> 00:13:43,865
[door closes]

386
00:13:43,909 --> 00:13:46,520
And I...

387
00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:53,528
I'm a monster.

388
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:55,878
Okay.

389
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,575
What is this place?

390
00:13:57,619 --> 00:14:00,577
What are you...?

391
00:14:00,621 --> 00:14:02,057
What would you like?

392
00:14:02,101 --> 00:14:03,320
What does this mean?

393
00:14:03,364 --> 00:14:05,235
Let's not do this.

394
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,759
Let's not take off
our clothes.

395
00:14:07,802 --> 00:14:10,066
Let's go back to the park
where it was good...

396
00:14:11,414 --> 00:14:13,417
[sighs]

397
00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:19,553
What do I know?

398
00:14:22,817 --> 00:14:25,559
We're taking our pants off?

399
00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:29,476
Okay. Keep those underwear on,
am I right?

400
00:14:29,519 --> 00:14:31,130
[chuckles]:
Yeah.

401
00:14:31,173 --> 00:14:33,307
Stay on.
Underwear good.

402
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:36,135
[groaning]

403
00:14:36,178 --> 00:14:38,615
[flute playing ethereal music]

404
00:14:38,659 --> 00:14:41,183
Why are you cradling me
like a baby, friend?

405
00:14:41,227 --> 00:14:44,013
This is not how guys
of my generation hang out.

406
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:47,755
This is a moment
that got away from me, my man.

407
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:54,501
Oh, that's my butt.

408
00:14:54,544 --> 00:14:56,807
This is intimate.

409
00:14:56,851 --> 00:14:58,941
[sighs]

410
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:01,769
[whispers]:
How did you know?

411
00:15:01,812 --> 00:15:04,903
[sighs]

412
00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:09,559
You are a huge baby.

413
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:12,128
Yeah, I am.

414
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:15,043
I am a huge baby.

415
00:15:16,263 --> 00:15:17,741
Forget it, I'm done.

416
00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:19,048
I'm not getting
a teaching job.

417
00:15:19,091 --> 00:15:20,048
Mm.Just can't go

418
00:15:20,092 --> 00:15:21,528
back out there, you know?

419
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:22,659
Oh, I feel you, Jess.

420
00:15:22,703 --> 00:15:24,226
I took a sick day.

421
00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:27,143
I just stayed at home and did
a watercolor of mountains.

422
00:15:27,187 --> 00:15:29,188
So you gonna get this,
like, every month?

423
00:15:29,231 --> 00:15:30,972
I mean, it's a possibility
from all the information

424
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,192
that I've read on the Internet.

425
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:33,845
That women like you

426
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,499
are the alpha.What?

427
00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:38,197
You're like the powerful moon,
and all the women in your life

428
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,764
are just latched on
to your cycle.

429
00:15:40,808 --> 00:15:43,855
In my case, a grown-ass man.

430
00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:46,815
Oh, yeah, good news.

431
00:15:46,857 --> 00:15:48,381
The gang's all here.

432
00:15:48,424 --> 00:15:49,557
Guys just PMS-ing?

433
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:50,774
Not in the mood today.

434
00:15:50,818 --> 00:15:52,038
Don't really feel like
being yelled at,

435
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:53,342
so what I'm gonna do
is go ahead and leave,

436
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,865
because right now I'm
feeling very fragile.

437
00:15:54,909 --> 00:15:55,823
I understand.

438
00:15:55,866 --> 00:15:56,999
What's wrong with you?

439
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,000
I'm no longer angry!

440
00:15:58,043 --> 00:15:59,219
All the anger

441
00:15:59,261 --> 00:16:00,697
that used to be
inside of me is gone!

442
00:16:00,741 --> 00:16:01,830
It's gone, it's gone!

443
00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:04,658
This is the worst thing
I've ever seen.

444
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:08,009
What is wrong
with you?
Don't.

445
00:16:08,053 --> 00:16:09,272
Period's got you down?

446
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:10,707
That is such
a raw deal.

447
00:16:10,751 --> 00:16:12,405
Want me to get you
a sanitary napkin?

448
00:16:12,448 --> 00:16:13,407
Ew!

449
00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:14,711
Okay, I won't
get that.

450
00:16:14,755 --> 00:16:16,235
But you're okay
with pads or tampons

451
00:16:16,278 --> 00:16:17,932
or whatever it is
that you're using?

452
00:16:17,976 --> 00:16:18,933
[blows raspberries]

453
00:16:18,977 --> 00:16:20,804
Tell me about your day, please.

454
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,284
I want to get into
your universe.

455
00:16:22,328 --> 00:16:24,025
Let's rap it out. Go.

456
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,115
Floor is yours, pal.

457
00:16:26,158 --> 00:16:27,159
Talk, talk, talk.

458
00:16:27,202 --> 00:16:28,465
I want to listen.

459
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,684
No.
30 seconds of
direct eye contact?

460
00:16:30,727 --> 00:16:32,033
Stop it, Nick. Please, stop.

461
00:16:32,077 --> 00:16:33,296
In three seconds,
I'll be silent.

462
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,168
One, two...

463
00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:38,039
I bombed all my interviews.

464
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,606
What? What happened?

465
00:16:39,649 --> 00:16:42,174
I was sabotaged by my baby box,

466
00:16:42,217 --> 00:16:43,697
which means I'm never

467
00:16:43,740 --> 00:16:45,221
gonna trust anything
that comes out of it.

468
00:16:45,264 --> 00:16:47,267
So that rules out a family.

469
00:16:47,309 --> 00:16:49,834
I know just the thing
you need.

470
00:16:49,878 --> 00:16:50,966
Come with me.

471
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:55,057
Welcome to the wonderful world
of water massage.

472
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:04,761
You are a piece of seaweed.

473
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:05,936
You are totally happy.

474
00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:07,634
Ow!

475
00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:09,070
I don't mean to
touch your boobs!You're touching my boobs!

476
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:09,854
I don't mean to
touch your boobs!

477
00:17:09,897 --> 00:17:11,116
Fail, fail, fail.

478
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,074
The next move is...

479
00:17:12,117 --> 00:17:13,292
Oh, my...!

480
00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:15,946
Relaxing is important.
Relaxing is important.

481
00:17:15,990 --> 00:17:19,733
[both shouting]

482
00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,648
Relax!

483
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:23,085
Oh, no.

484
00:17:23,128 --> 00:17:24,304
What are you trying to do?!

485
00:17:24,346 --> 00:17:25,260
Kill me?!

486
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:27,001
It worked for me.

487
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,263
I was trying to help you.

488
00:17:28,307 --> 00:17:31,354
I've been watching you
doubt yourself for months.

489
00:17:31,397 --> 00:17:32,528
I'm not doubting myself.

490
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,096
You're doubting yourself, Jess.

491
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,096
No, Nick, it's PMS.

492
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,272
It's not PMS.

493
00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:39,188
You got knocked down.

494
00:17:39,231 --> 00:17:40,755
It's time to get back up.

495
00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:43,148
And get up long enough for
one of these bozos to hire you.

496
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:46,934
I believe in you.

497
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,067
So does that guy.

498
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:51,330
Hey.

499
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:53,028
Think you can do that?

500
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:56,291
And if you don't, I'm gonna
water massage you again.

501
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:57,989
Can you do that?
Yes.

502
00:17:58,032 --> 00:17:58,947
Can you do that?

503
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:00,165
Yes!

504
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,472
Jessica Day?

505
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:06,127
Yes, I'm here.Weren't you here
the other day?

506
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,999
Weren't youhere the other day?

507
00:18:08,042 --> 00:18:09,826
Yes, I was.

508
00:18:14,962 --> 00:18:15,920
Well, I signed it.

509
00:18:15,963 --> 00:18:18,053
Please note the added provision.

510
00:18:18,096 --> 00:18:20,272
In any autobiographical
account of my life,

511
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:23,276
you want to be referred to
as Moises Perdue.

512
00:18:23,318 --> 00:18:24,972
Non-negotiable.

513
00:18:25,016 --> 00:18:27,366
But you're fine
with the rest of it?

514
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:30,065
Look, I'm a depraved freak,
and I want to wander into

515
00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:32,198
your Narnia of sexual terror

516
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,156
and emerge
like a freshly birthed calf.

517
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,332
Put your hands out.

518
00:18:36,375 --> 00:18:38,290
Let's do this.

519
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:39,335
[rope cracks]

520
00:18:39,378 --> 00:18:40,770
Are you ready?

521
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:44,992
I'm ready.
All right.

522
00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:46,080
Oh, yeah.

523
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,213
[chuckles]:
Okay.

524
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:49,171
Interesting technique.

525
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:52,305
Hold tight.

526
00:18:52,347 --> 00:18:54,175
I mean, I could totally
get out of this.

527
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,090
What, have you never
bound somebody before?

528
00:18:56,134 --> 00:18:57,353
I got to start over.
[laughs]

529
00:18:57,396 --> 00:18:58,572
This your first time?

530
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:03,358
[whispers]:
Are you rejecting me?

531
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:05,012
No, I-- no.

532
00:19:05,056 --> 00:19:06,275
I mean...

533
00:19:06,318 --> 00:19:10,060
Because legally...
you can't.

534
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:11,150
[chuckles]

535
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:14,413
Now take off
your pants.

536
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:15,675
Okay.

537
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:16,763
Now.

538
00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:18,287
All right, all right.

539
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:23,204
I got it. I got it.

540
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,076
Right there. Oh.

541
00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:25,990
No, I got it.

542
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:27,209
Hold on, I got it.

543
00:19:27,252 --> 00:19:30,298
I did it. I did it.

544
00:19:30,343 --> 00:19:31,386
Ladies and gentlemen,

545
00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:33,214
drumroll please.

546
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,694
[imitating drumroll][imitating high hat rhythm]

547
00:19:34,738 --> 00:19:36,609
Cut! Cut, Nick!

548
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:37,567
Snare drum.

549
00:19:37,611 --> 00:19:38,786
I shouldn't
have to specify.

550
00:19:38,828 --> 00:19:40,090
Jess, that
was a cymbal.

551
00:19:40,134 --> 00:19:41,135
Cymbals are part of
the drum kit.

552
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,659
Yeah.

553
00:19:42,702 --> 00:19:44,138
Nevertheless, we are gathered
here today to celebrate

554
00:19:44,182 --> 00:19:47,316
the reemployment
of Jessica F. Day.

555
00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:49,099
Not my middle initial.Who will once again

556
00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:52,233
be in the classroom, molding
the minds of children.

557
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:55,237
Actually, I'm gonna be remolding
the minds of grown-ups,

558
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,457
'cause I'm gonna be teaching
creative writing to adults.

559
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,674
So, what, are you
gonna be, like,

560
00:19:58,719 --> 00:19:59,980
reading a bunch of
weirdos' writing?

561
00:20:00,023 --> 00:20:01,634
Well, I hope you like
stories about vampires

562
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:02,853
and bad childhoods.
I do.

563
00:20:02,896 --> 00:20:04,550
You're gonna get them.In any case,

564
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:07,249
I think I speak for all of us
when I say that we are thrilled

565
00:20:07,292 --> 00:20:09,424
that you will once again have
a reason to shower daily.

566
00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:11,339
Yes.

567
00:20:11,384 --> 00:20:14,604
Now, let
there be gas.

568
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,432
Yeah!
Yeah!

569
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:18,173
Ah, yeah!

570
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,609
Gonna be hot water in six to
ten minutes, fool! What?!Yeah!

571
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,351
["Jump Around"
by House of Pain playing]

572
00:20:22,394 --> 00:20:24,919
[cheering]

573
00:20:26,224 --> 00:20:28,138
[chanting]:
Schmidt! Schmidt!

574
00:20:28,182 --> 00:20:29,315
ALL:
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

575
00:20:29,357 --> 00:20:30,750
Where's Winston?Where is Winston?

576
00:20:30,794 --> 00:20:32,143
Go get Winston!
Where is he?

577
00:20:32,186 --> 00:20:34,276
[chanting]: Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt! Schmidt!

578
00:20:34,319 --> 00:20:36,278
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

579
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:38,148
Schmidt! Schmidt!

580
00:20:38,192 --> 00:20:39,715
JESS:
Come on, jump around with us.

581
00:20:39,759 --> 00:20:41,500
Come jump with us, Winston.

582
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:42,980
Sleepy eyes.

583
00:20:43,023 --> 00:20:44,503
Hey.

584
00:20:44,547 --> 00:20:46,201
[music stops]What's going on, man?

585
00:20:48,550 --> 00:20:50,683
I don't really have PMS.

586
00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:53,295
I know. You're a man.

587
00:20:53,338 --> 00:20:56,166
[sobbing]

588
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,909
I miss Shelby.

589
00:20:58,952 --> 00:21:00,954
This is all about
your breakup?

590
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:04,480
I know just the thing
you need.

591
00:21:04,523 --> 00:21:05,915
Oh, no.

592
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,353
Just relax and breathe.[playing music]

593
00:21:07,395 --> 00:21:08,657
I'll take your shoulders.

594
00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:09,876
I'll take your feet.

595
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,356
This is really weird, man.

596
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,705
Really weird.

597
00:21:12,749 --> 00:21:13,750
Cool vibe, man.

598
00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:17,013
WINSTON:
What are you guys doing now?

599
00:21:17,057 --> 00:21:19,407
What have I gotten myself into?

600
00:21:19,451 --> 00:21:20,321
SCHMIDT:
Hey, lady,

601
00:21:20,365 --> 00:21:21,497
crushing that flute, babe.

602
00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:23,019
And breathe.

603
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:24,718
- Okay, I'm trying.- Mama did that.

604
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:26,067
Whoa.Just chill out.

605
00:21:26,109 --> 00:21:27,721
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing with my legs?

606
00:21:27,763 --> 00:21:29,200
No! Come on!Come on, chill out!

607
00:21:29,243 --> 00:21:30,244
[laughter]

608
00:21:30,288 --> 00:21:31,550
Nick, what are
you doing, man?!

609
00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:33,116
Reset. Let's reset.

610
00:21:33,161 --> 00:21:34,336
This is weird!

611
00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:37,338
No! No! No!

612
00:21:40,994 --> 00:21:43,563
Captioned by
access.wgbh.orgoup at WGBH