1 00:00:03,786 --> 00:00:06,222 ♪ Happy birthday, dude! 2 00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:07,833 Hello. I made you a cake. 3 00:00:07,876 --> 00:00:10,227 Can't. Booked a car show for tomorrow, 4 00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:12,272 and I have been so good this week. 5 00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:15,057 I lost four pounds.Oh, come on, Cece. 6 00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:17,190 It's your birthday. We're gonna eat cake, 7 00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:19,323 we're gonna watch Cluelesson VHS, 8 00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:21,282 and we're gonna try to make prom dresses out of towels. 9 00:00:21,324 --> 00:00:23,762 Obviously, just like we always do. 10 00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:25,111 As if! 11 00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:28,897 As if is, like, the funniest thing ever. 12 00:00:28,940 --> 00:00:30,551 I wish I had a stepbrother to fall in love with. 13 00:00:30,594 --> 00:00:33,250 I know, right? Paul Rudd. 14 00:00:33,293 --> 00:00:35,252 You know, actually, I thought maybe this year, 15 00:00:35,295 --> 00:00:37,167 we could go out, you know? 16 00:00:37,210 --> 00:00:38,255 NADIA: We go party tonight. 17 00:00:38,298 --> 00:00:42,520 Let dogs out. Catch gypsy. 18 00:00:42,564 --> 00:00:46,481 Yeah. Yeah, Nadia wants me to go to this last-minute thing 19 00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:48,091 she found out about, so I thought 20 00:00:48,134 --> 00:00:50,006 we could all, you know, just go out tonight. 21 00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:52,268 You, me, Nadia, the girls. The models? 22 00:00:52,313 --> 00:00:54,706 Yes, Jess, the models. Please? 23 00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:57,795 You and I have never spent my birthday apart, ever. 24 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,232 Except for the one time in seventh grade 25 00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:01,103 where you walked out of my sleepover because 26 00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:03,975 you claimed... When you struck me in the breast. 27 00:01:04,019 --> 00:01:05,281 But I didn't even touch boob, because you know, 28 00:01:05,325 --> 00:01:06,936 we all knew you were stuffing...Oh, my God. 29 00:01:06,978 --> 00:01:08,980 We were all stuffing. Stuffing? We all stuffed. 30 00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:11,331 You've seen my grandmother. I was not stuffing.Yes, we were. 31 00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:14,161 It was seventh grade.I've been like this since I was seven. 32 00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:16,379 You're...Come out with us tonight! 33 00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:18,686 Please, please, please! Okay. 34 00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:20,036 Okay. I'll come. 35 00:01:20,079 --> 00:01:21,123 Thank you. 36 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,343 Mm-hmm. 37 00:01:22,385 --> 00:01:23,605 I so excited. 38 00:01:23,647 --> 00:01:27,347 I shake this thing that my mama gave me. 39 00:01:27,390 --> 00:01:29,132 YOLO! 40 00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,829 ♪ Who's that girl? 41 00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:33,093 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. 42 00:01:34,397 --> 00:01:35,269 [sighs] [sighs] 43 00:01:35,311 --> 00:01:37,140 [whistles] 44 00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:39,751 NARRATOR [on TV]: The Galapagos tortoise, 45 00:01:39,795 --> 00:01:41,057 or Galapagos giant tortoise,Unbelievable... 46 00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:42,231 is the largest living species of tortoise... 47 00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:43,581 Spectacular. 48 00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:45,713 Hey, do you think 49 00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:48,151 Jess would be mad if I got a turtle and named it Jess, 50 00:01:48,194 --> 00:01:50,240 even though I had that name picked out before she moved in? 51 00:01:50,283 --> 00:01:52,764 A turtle? Thinking man's best friend, Schmidty. 52 00:01:52,807 --> 00:01:56,158 In our home? Over my turtle-disease-ridden dead body. 53 00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:57,986 Whatever, dream killer. What's this? 54 00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,335 Got you a cookie. 55 00:01:59,379 --> 00:02:02,251 What, you have, like...? 56 00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:03,253 Have, like, an extra? 57 00:02:03,296 --> 00:02:05,429 No. 58 00:02:05,472 --> 00:02:08,258 So you just, like, got me a cookie? 59 00:02:08,301 --> 00:02:10,433 Yeah, I was thinking about you. 60 00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,522 What do you mean you were thinking about me? 61 00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,307 What do you mean? I don't know. I was thinking about you. 62 00:02:14,350 --> 00:02:17,049 Think about you a lot, bro. 63 00:02:18,312 --> 00:02:20,182 Why? 64 00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:23,186 I don't know. Because you're my friend, you're on my mind. 65 00:02:23,229 --> 00:02:25,536 What, do you not think about me? 66 00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:28,277 Of course not! 67 00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:31,020 Oh. 68 00:02:31,062 --> 00:02:32,674 Schmidt got me a cookie. 69 00:02:32,716 --> 00:02:35,284 Oh. Very nice. 70 00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,591 What do you guys think? 71 00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:39,201 Whoa! [whistles]Smokin' hot. 72 00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:42,074 I'm going out tonight with Cece and her model friends, 73 00:02:42,117 --> 00:02:45,338 and I'm going for "promising ballerina turned streetwalker." 74 00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:47,645 You have too much joie de vivre. 75 00:02:47,688 --> 00:02:50,692 Okay, you want to look a little bit more bored, tired. 76 00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,867 Just altogether disengaged. 77 00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:54,129 More tired-- more, like, sick-like. 78 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,437 Really let your bones prop you up. 79 00:02:56,479 --> 00:02:57,480 Did you put shoe polish on your eyes? 80 00:02:57,525 --> 00:03:00,354 I never understand you women-- God. 81 00:03:00,396 --> 00:03:02,443 Eye shadow, man. That's...? 82 00:03:02,485 --> 00:03:03,443 Oh, that's makeup? 83 00:03:03,486 --> 00:03:04,836 I would take that off. 84 00:03:04,879 --> 00:03:05,881 That looks crazy. 85 00:03:05,924 --> 00:03:07,274 Can't believe I have to deal 86 00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,665 with the models just to hang out with Cece. 87 00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:10,233 Last time we hung out, it was awful. 88 00:03:10,276 --> 00:03:11,669 I figure the best way to talk 89 00:03:11,712 --> 00:03:13,584 to models is just point to objects and describe them. 90 00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:16,325 The table is round. 91 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:17,806 It's also flat. 92 00:03:17,848 --> 00:03:21,461 Yes, the table isround, and it's flat. 93 00:03:21,504 --> 00:03:22,941 Oh, look, a lamp. 94 00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:24,247 [laughs] 95 00:03:24,290 --> 00:03:26,466 I love Cece, and these are Cece's friends, 96 00:03:26,509 --> 00:03:28,860 so I should be able to get along with them. 97 00:03:28,903 --> 00:03:31,036 I should be able to deal with the fact 98 00:03:31,079 --> 00:03:34,300 that they think I look like a monkey... 99 00:03:34,343 --> 00:03:37,042 from a Russian cracker ad. 100 00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:39,175 [man singing in Russian] 101 00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:46,877 Whatever. 102 00:03:46,921 --> 00:03:49,316 It's Cece's birthday. It's her special night. 103 00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:51,274 I can get drunk, point at furniture 104 00:03:51,317 --> 00:03:53,493 if that means I can spend some quality time with my BFF. 105 00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:57,280 Hey, is it totally obvious that I'm not wearing underwear? 106 00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:58,847 ♪ Because it should be. 107 00:03:58,889 --> 00:04:01,197 And that makes two of us. 108 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,938 [dance music playing]CECE: Hey! 109 00:04:03,981 --> 00:04:05,635 You made it! Sorry I'm late. 110 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,335 They let in a lot of people ahead of me-- like, a lot. 111 00:04:08,377 --> 00:04:10,424 Saving the best for last. 112 00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:11,467 Monkey cracker. 113 00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:12,294 Monkey cracker. 114 00:04:12,338 --> 00:04:13,295 [laughs] 115 00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:14,341 Monkey, 116 00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:17,387 monkey, where you keep the crackers? 117 00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:19,214 This is so much fun. 118 00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:22,697 NICK: Schmidt? 119 00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:24,437 So, it turns out 120 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,439 there's more than one type of turtle. 121 00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:29,399 I could go Eastern Box, or spur thighed, 122 00:04:29,442 --> 00:04:30,879 or nearsighted loner. 123 00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:32,401 [grunts] [laughs] 124 00:04:32,446 --> 00:04:34,317 What was that? You just grunt at me? 125 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,144 Wasn't a grunt.That was a grunt, Schmidt. 126 00:04:36,187 --> 00:04:38,887 It was a "hurumph."A "hurumph" sounds like this: Hurumph. 127 00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:40,540 I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way; it was not a grunt. 128 00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:42,151 Serena Williams. That was a grunt. 129 00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:43,673 It's all good, man, all right? 130 00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,327 It's all "smoove in the groove." 131 00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:47,504 Mellow, man. 132 00:04:47,548 --> 00:04:49,331 Mega-mellow. 133 00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:53,379 Okay. 134 00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:58,427 [sighs] 135 00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:03,214 Schmidt, what the hell are you doing? 136 00:05:03,259 --> 00:05:06,348 You don't think about me? 137 00:05:06,392 --> 00:05:08,394 What are you talking about?Earlier today, when I gave you the cookie, 138 00:05:08,437 --> 00:05:11,266 I heard very clearly, "I don't think about you, Schmidt." 139 00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:14,225 Why would I think about you?!Because we're friends, we're not animals. 140 00:05:14,269 --> 00:05:17,577 We're men, Schmidt! The only time a man is allowed to think 141 00:05:17,620 --> 00:05:20,362 about another man is when that man is Jay Cutler. 142 00:05:20,406 --> 00:05:22,060 I don't know who Jay Cutler is! 143 00:05:22,103 --> 00:05:23,713 Why are you saying "Cutler" like that? 144 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,149 And I also don't know what is allowed 145 00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:26,803 in the Cold-Hearted Republic of Nick Miller, 146 00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:28,457 but I do know how I feel. 147 00:05:28,502 --> 00:05:30,242 Ugh! And I know how much you love cookies. 148 00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:32,026 And I saw it there behind the glass, 149 00:05:32,069 --> 00:05:34,420 and I thought, "Nick Miller-- I'm gonna buy him that." 150 00:05:34,463 --> 00:05:37,598 If I could give you that cookie back, I would. 151 00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:39,207 Nothing would make me happier than to throw it up, 152 00:05:39,250 --> 00:05:42,471 mash it into cookie-shape, and shove it down your throat! 153 00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:45,387 You wanna mama-bird me the cookie?No, that's not... 154 00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:47,302 You wanna mama-bird me the cookie? No. 155 00:05:47,346 --> 00:05:49,218 You're not mama-birding anybody any cookie. 156 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,437 Schmidt, I don't want to mama-bird you a cookie. 157 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,264 What is your problem, Schmidt? 158 00:05:53,308 --> 00:05:55,790 No mama-birding here! 159 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,797 Okay, I think I got it, okay-- ♪ Monkey, monkey 160 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:04,581 ♪ Where you keep your cracker? 161 00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:08,889 ♪ Monkey, monkey, you are comrade best! ♪ 162 00:06:08,932 --> 00:06:10,586 Whoo.You know what? 163 00:06:10,630 --> 00:06:14,329 The dance is surprisingly sexual for a children's cracker. 164 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:17,637 Do song again-- "Dance Monkey." I don't want to dance... 165 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,074 "Dance Monkey." 166 00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:20,771 ♪ Monkey, monkey 167 00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:23,033 ♪ Where you keep your crackers? ♪ 168 00:06:23,077 --> 00:06:24,819 Dance monkey, dance monkey.Cracker, please! 169 00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:26,341 Dance monkey.Cracker, please! 170 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,822 MODELS [chanting]: Monkey! Monkey!No. You know what? 171 00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,084 MODELS: Monkey! Monkey! 172 00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:31,346 Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! 173 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,000 Monkey, monkey, monkey! 174 00:06:33,043 --> 00:06:34,480 Dance Monkey... [chanting]You know what? 175 00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:35,569 No! Stop it! 176 00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:39,007 I don't want to, okay? I'm done. 177 00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,009 You guys are the worst! 178 00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:42,923 You're the worst. I'm sorry, but it's true. 179 00:06:42,966 --> 00:06:45,622 All these racist in-jokes about Romanians. 180 00:06:45,665 --> 00:06:48,668 Well, guess what? I'm one-eighth Romanian! 181 00:06:48,711 --> 00:06:51,802 Monkey, no!And I don't know why Cece would want to spend her birthday here. 182 00:06:51,846 --> 00:06:55,545 It's like years of modeling have made her dumber. 183 00:06:55,588 --> 00:06:58,026 Nice, Jess. No! Cece. 184 00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,723 No, I'm sorry. I didn't... 185 00:06:59,766 --> 00:07:01,463 NICK: It's official. 186 00:07:01,507 --> 00:07:02,812 We got to turtle-proof this loft. 187 00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,293 Schmidt cares about you so much, man, 188 00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:05,641 and you don't even think about him. 189 00:07:05,685 --> 00:07:07,644 Are you being serious right now? 190 00:07:07,687 --> 00:07:10,341 Are you really taking Schmidt's side on this? 191 00:07:10,386 --> 00:07:11,605 I am, because I know how you are. 192 00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:14,346 I just don't know why he would run away. 193 00:07:14,389 --> 00:07:16,697 All I ever did was love him. 194 00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,915 This rock is so round. 195 00:07:18,959 --> 00:07:21,701 I'm gonna go put it in a jar. 196 00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:23,485 And nothing has changed. Nothing has changed, Nick. 197 00:07:23,529 --> 00:07:24,747 You think Schmidt is 198 00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:26,836 in the right, and I am in the wrong here? 199 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,970 You realize I say good night to you every night, 200 00:07:29,012 --> 00:07:31,101 and you never say good night back? 201 00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:33,322 No. What is the problem, Nick? 202 00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:35,672 Do you not want me to have a good night? 203 00:07:35,716 --> 00:07:37,761 I can't just go around saying good night to everyone, 204 00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:39,502 and buying people cookies. 205 00:07:39,545 --> 00:07:41,634 I am not a titan of finance, sir. 206 00:07:41,677 --> 00:07:44,507 Do you know, once a week he goes into your room and cleans it, 207 00:07:44,550 --> 00:07:46,509 and then returns everything the way he found it? 208 00:07:46,552 --> 00:07:49,685 And I'm weird in this situation?The dirty old T-shirts, which he washes. 209 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,862 I didn't ask for that-- I like living in my filthy messes. 210 00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:54,516 That's the point, man. You didn't have to ask. 211 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,781 Nobody buys people cookies for no reason. 212 00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,567 You still don't get it, do you? 213 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:03,744 Nobody. That wasn't a cookie, damn it! That was a... 214 00:08:03,786 --> 00:08:06,615 What? Man, that was a piece of his heart. 215 00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:11,228 Now, if you don't mind, good... night. 216 00:08:13,144 --> 00:08:15,711 I'm sorry, but in my defense, Nadia just spent an hour 217 00:08:15,755 --> 00:08:18,627 explaining to me how to drink vodka with my butt. 218 00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:20,629 You just embarrassed me in front of my colleagues. 219 00:08:20,673 --> 00:08:23,197 Are you kidding me? It's not like you work in the UN. 220 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,156 You judge me for being a model. 221 00:08:25,199 --> 00:08:26,723 Yes, I do. You always have. 222 00:08:26,766 --> 00:08:28,769 It's your birthday, and you won't eat cake. 223 00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:30,726 Cece, you're better than that; you really are. 224 00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:33,730 I just... I just feel sorry for you sometimes. 225 00:08:33,774 --> 00:08:37,385 You feel sorryfor me? 226 00:08:39,996 --> 00:08:42,739 You just hit me in the boob. 227 00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:45,133 It was an accident. It was not an accident. 228 00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:46,481 Fine. It wasn't. 229 00:08:46,525 --> 00:08:48,918 Oh... my... God! 230 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,746 Ho, ho. 231 00:08:50,790 --> 00:08:52,226 What? Huh? 232 00:08:52,269 --> 00:08:53,663 Huh? You want that?! 233 00:08:53,706 --> 00:08:56,447 Go. Just go. Ugh! Uh! 234 00:08:56,491 --> 00:08:57,754 What you gonna do now, huh? 235 00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,799 Just... What? 236 00:08:59,842 --> 00:09:01,802 What? What? What? What? 237 00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:02,889 What? What? What? 238 00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:06,457 [exhales] 239 00:09:06,501 --> 00:09:07,807 You should go. 240 00:09:07,850 --> 00:09:09,897 Thanks for a great birthday. 241 00:09:17,817 --> 00:09:19,863 NADIA: Cece? 242 00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:21,038 You drink with mouth? 243 00:09:21,081 --> 00:09:23,126 Tonight, I drink with mouth. 244 00:09:27,827 --> 00:09:29,524 Well, guess who's not getting a turtle? 245 00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:30,700 They were out of turtles. 246 00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:33,615 I bought a tiny cowboy hat for nothing. 247 00:09:33,659 --> 00:09:36,619 Schmidt's not talking to you right now.We're still on this? 248 00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:39,534 Schmidt is tired of doing things for you that go unnoticed. 249 00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:41,101 Things like: lining your shoes up at the door... 250 00:09:41,144 --> 00:09:42,755 Don't line my shoes up at the door anymore. 251 00:09:42,798 --> 00:09:44,888 ...recording your favorite TV shows...I appreciate that. 252 00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:47,847 ...the turn-down service.The turn-down service is weird 253 00:09:47,890 --> 00:09:50,677 and I never asked you to do that. Well, I guess those chocolate mints 254 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,808 just disappeared on their own. Oh, I thought we weren't talking. 255 00:09:52,852 --> 00:09:54,768 We're not.Then why do I hear words 256 00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,159 coming out that stupid hole in your face? 257 00:09:56,203 --> 00:09:58,293 I'm a human being, and I'm entitled to my emotions. 258 00:09:58,336 --> 00:09:59,990 Are you crying? 259 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,644 No. 260 00:10:01,687 --> 00:10:03,690 Are you seriously crying, Schmidt? 261 00:10:03,732 --> 00:10:04,691 I'm not crying. [sniffles] 262 00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:10,740 [Jess groans] 263 00:10:11,871 --> 00:10:13,264 Rough night, you guys. 264 00:10:13,307 --> 00:10:14,657 I forgot to take out my contacts. 265 00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,311 I think they're fused to my eyeballs. 266 00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:19,966 What's going on? 267 00:10:21,750 --> 00:10:23,360 Did you guys watch porn together again? 268 00:10:23,404 --> 00:10:24,536 Why do you keep doing that? 269 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:25,711 It's always awkward. 270 00:10:28,365 --> 00:10:30,890 Oh, wow. 271 00:10:30,933 --> 00:10:33,067 What the hell was that? 272 00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:34,764 In March, I will have been living 273 00:10:34,807 --> 00:10:36,678 with Schmidt for ten years. 274 00:10:36,722 --> 00:10:37,767 I know that 275 00:10:37,811 --> 00:10:39,289 because he sent me an e-mail asking 276 00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:41,727 how I want to celebrate our "tin anniversary." 277 00:10:41,770 --> 00:10:43,860 How did you guys become friends? 278 00:10:43,903 --> 00:10:44,860 Was it an accident? 279 00:10:44,904 --> 00:10:46,080 Did you hit him with your car 280 00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:47,821 and you became his reluctant caretaker? 281 00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:49,169 He lived in my freshman dorm. 282 00:10:49,212 --> 00:10:51,693 And one day, he was just there. 283 00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,870 [crunching, chewing] 284 00:10:53,913 --> 00:10:55,741 Hey, hey, whoa, man, what are you doing in here? 285 00:10:55,784 --> 00:10:56,786 That's my ramen. 286 00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:58,745 It's better this way. 287 00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,485 Y-You add water to it, you weirdo. 288 00:11:00,528 --> 00:11:03,575 It's not a dry treat, it's a soup. 289 00:11:03,619 --> 00:11:04,924 Who are you?Schmidt. 290 00:11:04,967 --> 00:11:06,796 You freak me out, man. 291 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,405 [both laugh] 292 00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:10,712 This is cool. We got a good vibe going, man. 293 00:11:10,756 --> 00:11:11,758 You're a super weird guy. 294 00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:13,410 [laughing] 295 00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:18,067 Hey, sit there while I throw things at you. 296 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,330 Body slam! No! 297 00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,722 Don't do this! No! 298 00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:22,899 And then he was always there. 299 00:11:22,942 --> 00:11:23,943 [both chuckle] 300 00:11:23,986 --> 00:11:25,640 And the truth is, is, 301 00:11:25,684 --> 00:11:28,861 Schmidt loves me so much, 302 00:11:28,904 --> 00:11:31,428 and to be honest, Jess, it scares me. 303 00:11:31,472 --> 00:11:32,778 I mean, I don't think I deserve 304 00:11:32,822 --> 00:11:33,779 all of Schmidt's love. 305 00:11:33,822 --> 00:11:35,563 All I do is tease him. 306 00:11:35,606 --> 00:11:36,956 I mean, of course you do. 307 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,567 [chuckling]: That's all you can do. 308 00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,611 Do you think I'm a bad friend? 309 00:11:40,655 --> 00:11:43,092 No, no, I'm a bad friend. 310 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,225 I got mad at Cece for being a model. 311 00:11:45,269 --> 00:11:46,575 It's a dumb thing to be. 312 00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:48,446 We got in a boob fight. 313 00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:50,317 Feels like I fell forward on a treadmill.I'm just gonna say this-- 314 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,928 I find that arousing, and let's move on. 315 00:11:52,972 --> 00:11:54,365 Just, she's smart, you know, and she's interesting 316 00:11:54,408 --> 00:11:56,105 and she could be doing anything else with her life 317 00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:57,412 or at least trying. 318 00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:58,760 You know, the weird thing is, 319 00:11:58,804 --> 00:12:01,416 I was actually there when she got discovered. 320 00:12:01,458 --> 00:12:03,461 You, take your glasses off. 321 00:12:03,504 --> 00:12:05,506 Okay. 322 00:12:06,986 --> 00:12:09,772 JESS: I can take my glasses off. 323 00:12:11,033 --> 00:12:12,818 [chuckles nervously] 324 00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,778 I guess I was always disappointed 325 00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:17,823 with her for calling that lady. 326 00:12:17,866 --> 00:12:20,000 It's just, when I hear all the stuff 327 00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:21,043 about Cece's profession-- 328 00:12:21,087 --> 00:12:24,134 like, the dieting-- it's crazy-- 329 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:25,614 and the butt drinking and the... 330 00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:27,658 Did you say "butt drinking"? 331 00:12:27,702 --> 00:12:29,009 Yeah. You can't say "butt drinking" 332 00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,400 and then not explain what it is. Yeah. 333 00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:31,924 It has two of my four favorite things. 334 00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:34,884 I just feel like we have nothing in common, you know?Yeah. 335 00:12:34,927 --> 00:12:36,407 Do you ever wonder why we're friends 336 00:12:36,451 --> 00:12:37,844 with these people, Jess? 337 00:12:37,886 --> 00:12:40,498 And, worse, if we met them now, 338 00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:41,847 you think we'd still be friends with them? 339 00:12:41,890 --> 00:12:43,980 [chuckling]: Maybe not. 340 00:12:45,547 --> 00:12:48,418 I should go talk to her. 341 00:12:48,462 --> 00:12:49,855 [door opens] 342 00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:53,642 Well, Nick, I'm out of tears-- plumb out. 343 00:12:53,684 --> 00:12:57,645 All that's left is just yellowish goo. 344 00:12:57,688 --> 00:13:00,822 That's right, Nick-- goo. 345 00:13:00,866 --> 00:13:02,912 [door slams] 346 00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,826 That's a third of my life. 347 00:13:04,870 --> 00:13:06,524 Cece. 348 00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:09,048 Oh, hey, Nadia, sorry. 349 00:13:09,091 --> 00:13:10,832 This Wilmer Valderrama. 350 00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:14,227 [laughs] 351 00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:15,881 Um, Nadia, that's not-- 352 00:13:15,924 --> 00:13:20,842 I mean-- or what I thought he would look like 353 00:13:20,886 --> 00:13:22,845 in person. 354 00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:23,759 [mouthing] Nice to meet you. 355 00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:24,846 Big fan. 356 00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:25,760 Where's Cece? 357 00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:26,980 Cece drink too much. 358 00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,677 She puke, puke, puke. 359 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:29,677 She puke, 360 00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:31,722 cry, puke, cry. 361 00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:32,942 She's so weak. 362 00:13:32,985 --> 00:13:35,902 You put on pajama, Wilmer Valderrama, 363 00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,860 top only. 364 00:13:37,903 --> 00:13:39,948 Then, you make me salad, bitch. 365 00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:42,951 Let's, let's get you into bed, okay? 366 00:13:42,995 --> 00:13:45,040 I don't think we're doing any modeling today. 367 00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:47,739 No, I have to go, Jess, I have to go. 368 00:13:47,783 --> 00:13:50,133 It's my job, all right? 369 00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,525 You know what, Cece? 370 00:13:51,568 --> 00:13:53,701 I'm so sorry about last night. 371 00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:57,009 I know that you're... [gags] 372 00:13:57,052 --> 00:13:58,576 [exhales] 373 00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:00,577 I know you're an intelligent person, 374 00:14:00,621 --> 00:14:02,363 and sometimes I just... [gags] 375 00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,455 [exhales] I just get mixed up, you know, 376 00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:09,892 and I think that you're like me. [gags] 377 00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:12,154 CECE: Don't, don't worry, I'm here. 378 00:14:12,198 --> 00:14:13,721 Just tell me where to stand and what we're selling. 379 00:14:13,764 --> 00:14:14,984 I'm gonna give it everything I got. 380 00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:19,032 I'm calling your agency. 381 00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,816 This is totally unprofessional. 382 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:21,730 Don't call my agency. 383 00:14:21,773 --> 00:14:23,078 Just tell me where to stand. 384 00:14:23,123 --> 00:14:24,341 Up on the spinning platform. 385 00:14:24,384 --> 00:14:27,344 Yeah, I can't do that.Okay. 386 00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:29,346 Please, no, seriously don't. I can't lose this job. No. 387 00:14:29,389 --> 00:14:30,913 Don't call the agency, okay? 388 00:14:30,956 --> 00:14:32,827 I'll do it. What? 389 00:14:32,871 --> 00:14:36,048 I'm actually a model, too, mostly in Japan. 390 00:14:36,091 --> 00:14:40,792 Um, they call me Giggle Bangs Rice Bowl. 391 00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:42,924 I know you're lying and I just don't care. 392 00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:45,014 Get over to hair and makeup now. 393 00:14:45,057 --> 00:14:46,798 Cool. 394 00:14:47,364 --> 00:14:49,452 [gags] 395 00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:56,982 [sighs] 396 00:15:01,769 --> 00:15:02,945 These things are heavy. 397 00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:04,947 It's like chain mail on my eyes. 398 00:15:04,990 --> 00:15:06,644 So, your job is to highlight the features of the car 399 00:15:06,687 --> 00:15:08,428 Gary describes. We need you to be fun and sexy and American. 400 00:15:08,471 --> 00:15:09,559 Then he's gonna move to the EcoBoost engine 401 00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:10,822 and the new interior styling. 402 00:15:10,865 --> 00:15:12,172 For the EcoBoost engine, give me something 403 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,956 mischievous. Mischievous. 404 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,001 Mischievous.Show me mischievous. 405 00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:18,004 Okay, and at the end, just say, 406 00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:19,961 "Ford. Go further." 407 00:15:20,005 --> 00:15:21,963 Do I have to wear those? 408 00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:23,530 Hey, everybody, my name's Gary, and I want 409 00:15:23,573 --> 00:15:28,187 to introduce you to the all-new 2013 Ford Fusion. 410 00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:31,017 Say hello to my good friend Jessica. 411 00:15:31,059 --> 00:15:34,019 ["You Make My Dreams" by Hall & Oates playing] 412 00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:39,024 The all-new Fusion has been totally redesigned 413 00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:41,635 inside and out. 414 00:15:41,678 --> 00:15:44,029 All-new styling, 18-inch aluminum wheels, 415 00:15:44,072 --> 00:15:47,206 three-year, bumper-to-bumper warranty, 416 00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,337 five-year power train, 417 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:50,078 available Active Park, 418 00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:52,168 available lane-keeping system, 419 00:15:52,211 --> 00:15:55,605 standard voice-activated SYNC. 420 00:15:55,649 --> 00:15:57,782 Your co-workers will be jealous. 421 00:15:57,826 --> 00:16:01,090 From power plants that enhance efficiency 422 00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:03,178 the high-voltage lithium-ion battery pack 423 00:16:03,222 --> 00:16:06,703 provides enough power to operate in all-electric mode 424 00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:09,837 for short commutes-- very smart. 425 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:13,363 The Ford Fusion is designed to be environmentally conscious. 426 00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:16,105 Fusion Hybrid and the Fusion Energi are each powered 427 00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:19,239 by a combination high-voltage electric motor 428 00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:23,286 that utilizes... recycled material. 429 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:25,635 [audience gasps, murmurs] 430 00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:31,250 The Fusion is available with an EcoBoost engine... 431 00:16:31,293 --> 00:16:33,427 a hybrid, 432 00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:36,255 and a plug-in hybrid. 433 00:16:36,298 --> 00:16:40,259 The SE Hybrid is available with eco-friendly cloth seating. 434 00:16:40,302 --> 00:16:44,046 No matter what color your seats-- ha!-- they'll be green. 435 00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:47,048 Smoother rides, more fuel efficiency... 436 00:16:47,092 --> 00:16:49,051 Gary... 437 00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:50,879 The hybrid gets 47 miles to the gallon, 438 00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,099 so you're gonna be filling up your tank less.Gary... Gary...! 439 00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,230 When you do...JESS: I can't get out. 440 00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,057 Hey, man, it's your old pal Jessica. 441 00:16:56,101 --> 00:16:58,974 And it's not that difficult to get out. 442 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,062 There's also the available auto start-stop 443 00:17:01,106 --> 00:17:02,238 [horn honks]that... 444 00:17:02,282 --> 00:17:05,067 Use the handle.What's happening? 445 00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:07,113 Further, go further. 446 00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:12,074 [clears throat] 447 00:17:12,117 --> 00:17:13,162 Hey. 448 00:17:15,163 --> 00:17:17,078 Uh, Schmidt, I got you something, man. 449 00:17:25,695 --> 00:17:28,089 Uh, they didn't have a Jewish star at the store, 450 00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,135 so I got you a regular cookie 451 00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,486 and I made the star myself by breaking off the pieces. 452 00:17:32,528 --> 00:17:35,096 It's meant to celebrate your Jewish heritage. 453 00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:36,794 What is this? 454 00:17:36,837 --> 00:17:38,099 A Jewish star-- I just said that. 455 00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:39,710 Hey, hey, Schmidt, just...This... 456 00:17:39,753 --> 00:17:43,278 is so terrible! 457 00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:46,455 You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie. 458 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,067 You gave me a cookie, gave you cookie. 459 00:17:50,068 --> 00:17:52,941 Gave me cookie, got you cookie! 460 00:17:52,983 --> 00:17:56,030 [voice breaking]: You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man! 461 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,467 Gave me cookie, got you cookie! 462 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,990 We're even! We're even, Schmidt! 463 00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:02,732 I mean, what do you want from me? 464 00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,692 What do you want, Schmidt? 465 00:18:04,734 --> 00:18:07,128 I've been racking my brain all day. 466 00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:10,045 I walked around the grocery store, man, 467 00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:12,134 for 45 minutes. 468 00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:13,917 I didn't know what to get you. 469 00:18:13,961 --> 00:18:16,050 And then I was thinking I was gonna get you ramen 470 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,314 like we used to eat, but you probably eat, like, 471 00:18:18,357 --> 00:18:20,185 fancy ramen now with, like, figs in it. 472 00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:22,188 I don't know, man. 473 00:18:23,666 --> 00:18:26,192 You love me too much, Schmidt, 474 00:18:26,234 --> 00:18:28,193 and you picked the wrong guy. 475 00:18:29,194 --> 00:18:30,760 And when are you gonna get that 476 00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:33,154 through that giant head of yours? 477 00:18:34,808 --> 00:18:38,116 I'm just gonna let you down, man. 478 00:18:42,076 --> 00:18:43,209 Are you crying? 479 00:18:43,251 --> 00:18:45,298 I'm not crying, man. 480 00:18:45,340 --> 00:18:47,343 Yeah, you are crying. 481 00:18:47,386 --> 00:18:48,474 Oh, my God. 482 00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:50,172 I'm not crying, guys. Just drop it. 483 00:18:50,215 --> 00:18:52,086 I just felt like I did something nice. 484 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,174 Yes, you are, and that's okay. 485 00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:55,046 Don't say that, man, 'cause that... 486 00:18:55,089 --> 00:18:56,830 [clears throat] You know what I mean? Like... 487 00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:57,832 Just let it rain, man. 488 00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,224 I got you the cookie, Schmidt. 489 00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:01,051 It's the best I can do, man. 490 00:19:01,096 --> 00:19:04,098 What about the turtle? 491 00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:08,407 You're the only turtle I want. 492 00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,365 You're the turtle, man. 493 00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:13,368 I knew I was the turtle. 494 00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:16,285 Yeah, man, you're the turtle. 495 00:19:16,328 --> 00:19:17,416 I knew I was the turtle. 496 00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:20,201 [laughs] 497 00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,377 You guys are the best, man. I love you guys. 498 00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,467 I'm sorry, sorry, man. 499 00:19:24,510 --> 00:19:26,251 [sighs, groans] 500 00:19:27,252 --> 00:19:29,342 Hey, yeah. 501 00:19:29,384 --> 00:19:31,431 [laughs] 502 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,433 I'm going to, uh...Yeah, I've got... 503 00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:35,478 I'm gonna eat my sandwich. 504 00:19:35,521 --> 00:19:36,913 [overlapping chatter] 505 00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:38,046 This is a good sandwich. 506 00:19:38,088 --> 00:19:40,656 See you guys.This needed to happen. 507 00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:43,224 Wow, they gave you the, the huge lashes. 508 00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:44,313 Like, those are the magnums. 509 00:19:44,356 --> 00:19:46,096 Yeah, I actually like 'em. 510 00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:47,621 I think I'm just gonna keep 'em on. 511 00:19:47,663 --> 00:19:48,709 You're afraid to take the glue off. 512 00:19:48,751 --> 00:19:51,277 Yeah, I'm terrified. 513 00:19:51,319 --> 00:19:53,365 I'm really sorry about what I said last night 514 00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:57,065 'cause... this is hard. 515 00:19:57,107 --> 00:19:58,848 It is just pointing at stuff, 516 00:19:58,893 --> 00:20:00,589 but it is-- it's hard. 517 00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,156 Why is it so hard? 518 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,246 You make it look a lot harder. 519 00:20:04,289 --> 00:20:06,248 No, you're brave. 520 00:20:06,291 --> 00:20:07,509 You've always been braver than me. 521 00:20:15,213 --> 00:20:17,651 Okay, what did you do to me last night? 522 00:20:17,693 --> 00:20:20,653 I mean, can you sprain someone's chest? 523 00:20:20,696 --> 00:20:22,612 You should see the other guys. 524 00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,179 [chuckles] 525 00:20:25,354 --> 00:20:27,269 WOMAN: Dionne asking Tai for sex advice? 526 00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:29,270 I'm so full. 527 00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:30,924 This really is your best cake ever. 528 00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:32,099 Do you think so? Mm-hmm. 529 00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:33,101 We all think so. 530 00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:35,058 Hey, that's gross. 531 00:20:35,103 --> 00:20:36,496 Get a fork, man.I got two 532 00:20:36,538 --> 00:20:38,324 perfectly good forks at the end of my arms. 533 00:20:38,366 --> 00:20:40,281 Hey, man, you do what you do. 534 00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:42,109 Be you, man. SCHMIDT: I'd eat out of your hands, Nick. 535 00:20:42,153 --> 00:20:43,153 Cake on your face.Petting zoo style. 536 00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:45,200 NICK: Yeah, yeah.Cake all day. 537 00:20:45,243 --> 00:20:46,461 Talkin' about cake! 538 00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:47,507 Frickin' cake dudes.WINSTON: Look at you. 539 00:20:47,549 --> 00:20:48,986 Look at you. Frosting face.Hey. 540 00:20:49,029 --> 00:20:51,075 Want cake on your face?I don't really care. 541 00:20:51,118 --> 00:20:54,557 Do you think, if we met today, we would still be friends? 542 00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:57,343 WINSTON: I could watch you eat cake all day.Couple of guys eating cake. 543 00:20:57,385 --> 00:20:58,952 I'm gonna have to do so much cardio tomorrow. 544 00:20:58,996 --> 00:21:02,086 I don't know, but we're friends now. 545 00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:03,784 [both chuckle] 546 00:21:03,826 --> 00:21:05,960 Happy birthday, Cece. 547 00:21:06,002 --> 00:21:07,961 Oh, man! That's messy. 548 00:21:08,005 --> 00:21:10,007 You like rap music?Yeah, sure do. 549 00:21:10,050 --> 00:21:12,444 Who's your favorite rapper?Brian Austin Green. 550 00:21:12,488 --> 00:21:15,011 He's cool.He's awesome. 551 00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:17,144 Go like this. 552 00:21:17,188 --> 00:21:18,972 [laughs] 553 00:21:19,016 --> 00:21:21,497 Try to catch the Pop-Tart, you big boy. 554 00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:23,238 Good, I love Pop-Tarts. 555 00:21:23,281 --> 00:21:24,718 Oh! [laughs] 556 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:25,893 Now close your eyes. 557 00:21:25,935 --> 00:21:26,980 [laughs] 558 00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:29,330 Did you get me?Yeah. 559 00:21:29,375 --> 00:21:30,941 Good job.Ready? 560 00:21:30,984 --> 00:21:33,901 [both laugh] 561 00:21:33,943 --> 00:21:35,118 Ready? Yeah. 562 00:21:35,163 --> 00:21:37,164 Aah, we did it!