1 00:00:03,438 --> 00:00:05,395 Well, it took a year, 2 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:07,049 she's finally cooking and cleaning. 3 00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:08,660 I knew this would pay off eventually. 4 00:00:08,704 --> 00:00:09,660 Does everybody like egg pie? 5 00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:11,185 Jess, I believe the word 6 00:00:11,227 --> 00:00:13,273 you're looking for is "frittata." 7 00:00:13,317 --> 00:00:17,234 Oh, Schmidt, stop staring at my fritta-tas! [laughs] 8 00:00:17,277 --> 00:00:19,193 You gotta do something, Nick. 9 00:00:19,236 --> 00:00:20,629 My sister's coming, my mother's coming. 10 00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:23,414 I love being unemployed. I love it! 11 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,503 If I'd lost my job a week ago, 12 00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:29,202 I'd be deep in a porn hole by now.Five-second rule. 13 00:00:29,245 --> 00:00:32,075 The images, the things I would have seen by now. It's... 14 00:00:32,118 --> 00:00:33,468 Jess, are you cooking 15 00:00:33,511 --> 00:00:35,252 a frittata in a saucepan? What is this, prison? 16 00:00:35,295 --> 00:00:37,253 Jar. Jar. That's a jar for sure. 17 00:00:37,298 --> 00:00:38,167 Yeah, I know. 18 00:00:38,212 --> 00:00:40,301 I already got the money ready. 19 00:00:40,344 --> 00:00:41,997 No! 20 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,304 What? Oh, no!SCHMIDT: Damn it! 21 00:00:44,347 --> 00:00:45,262 No! 22 00:00:45,305 --> 00:00:49,136 Jess! What is this?! 23 00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:51,225 I just finished that last night. Isn't it great? 24 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,225 SCHMIDT: Felt art? 25 00:00:52,268 --> 00:00:53,270 Nick? I'm on it. 26 00:00:53,314 --> 00:00:54,706 What? 27 00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:56,447 What photograph were you working from? My hair hasn't 28 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:57,795 looked like that in three weeks. 29 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,276 Your hair looks just like that, Schmidt. 30 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,277 Yeah, your hair looks just like that. 31 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:01,496 You are perfect in that. 32 00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:02,801 This is making me furious. 33 00:01:02,844 --> 00:01:04,325 It's multi-cloth collage. 34 00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:05,281 Insane! 35 00:01:05,325 --> 00:01:08,111 Jess, can I have a word with you? 36 00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:09,198 Take a break! 37 00:01:09,242 --> 00:01:11,287 You're looking at this the wrong way. 38 00:01:11,331 --> 00:01:13,203 This is the first time 39 00:01:13,246 --> 00:01:14,944 you don't have to be anywhere or do anything. 40 00:01:14,986 --> 00:01:15,727 Right. 41 00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,293 You could make weird art 42 00:01:17,337 --> 00:01:18,599 or don't make weird art. 43 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,557 But the point is you can do whatever you want. 44 00:01:20,602 --> 00:01:23,995 You could go off the grid. You could be an outlaw. 45 00:01:24,039 --> 00:01:27,260 I'm not really someone who goes off the grid, Nick. 46 00:01:27,304 --> 00:01:30,742 Whoo-hoo! I'm off the grid! 47 00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:34,746 I'm so far off the grid, that everybody's all, "She's off the grid!" 48 00:01:34,789 --> 00:01:37,313 And then I'm all, "I don't play by your rules. 49 00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:40,186 I can drink at 11:00... a.m. 50 00:01:40,229 --> 00:01:42,057 Yeah, that backfired pretty quickly. 51 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,319 High five. 52 00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:45,539 ♪ Who's that girl? 53 00:01:45,582 --> 00:01:47,890 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. 54 00:01:52,372 --> 00:01:54,853 Look at that, look at that, look at that. 55 00:01:54,896 --> 00:01:56,377 My mom always said I was a late bloomer. 56 00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:59,335 Wait till she sees this mustache! Bam! 57 00:01:59,379 --> 00:02:00,685 That's not a shadow?What? 58 00:02:00,728 --> 00:02:02,861 'Cause your nose makes a shadow right over your... 59 00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:05,385 Oh, now it isa mustache. You look adorable. 60 00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:08,389 Winston, I need you to be honest with me, okay? 61 00:02:08,431 --> 00:02:10,390 Yeah.Does your mother not like me? 62 00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:12,393 Yes. 63 00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:14,350 She does, she does not like me? 64 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:16,353 Schmidt, she loves you. 65 00:02:16,396 --> 00:02:18,224 Good, good, because, you know, 66 00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:19,355 historically speaking, I'm like, catnip 67 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,183 to tough-talking African-American women. 68 00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:23,533 It's 'cause I don't front, know what I mean? 69 00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:24,795 Don't do that. 70 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:25,622 A'ight. 71 00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:28,103 What is that? 72 00:02:28,147 --> 00:02:29,670 What's your name? 73 00:02:29,713 --> 00:02:31,324 I'm Nick. 74 00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:32,978 Nick's name is Nick! 75 00:02:33,021 --> 00:02:34,328 Nick, meet Nick. Hi, Nick. 76 00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:35,894 You guys even look alike. 77 00:02:35,937 --> 00:02:37,808 Look at that turtle face. 78 00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:39,420 Nick, want these kegs behind the bar? 79 00:02:39,462 --> 00:02:40,682 Yes. Yes. 80 00:02:40,724 --> 00:02:42,378 He was talking to me.He was talking to you. 81 00:02:42,423 --> 00:02:45,076 NICK: Andy, I'll go get your check, bud. 82 00:02:46,426 --> 00:02:48,429 Oh, hey, Winston, you know, you can just have 83 00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:50,212 the hummus in there, okay? It's giving me the toots. 84 00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:52,259 Hey, Schmidt. 85 00:02:52,301 --> 00:02:53,563 Hey, Alisha. 86 00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:55,218 You look great. Wow. 87 00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:56,567 Thanks. 88 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:58,612 It's like they stretched the ugly out of Winston. 89 00:02:58,656 --> 00:02:59,614 Hmm. 90 00:02:59,656 --> 00:03:00,441 How's the hoops? 91 00:03:00,484 --> 00:03:01,832 Good, it's good. Yeah? 92 00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:03,270 Very impressive, pro ball. 93 00:03:03,312 --> 00:03:06,316 I mean, women's pro, but still. Swoosh. 94 00:03:07,969 --> 00:03:12,103 I was working in real estate, but I got laid off, so... 95 00:03:12,147 --> 00:03:13,323 I got laid off last week! 96 00:03:13,366 --> 00:03:14,759 I don't even know what to do with myself. 97 00:03:14,802 --> 00:03:18,067 I just told myself it was a chance to start over. 98 00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:19,460 Yes.Be someone 99 00:03:19,502 --> 00:03:21,243 that I've always wanted 100 00:03:21,288 --> 00:03:23,246 to be, you know? I'm Jess. 101 00:03:23,289 --> 00:03:24,420 Hi. How are ya? 102 00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:26,074 I'm Bearclaw! 103 00:03:26,117 --> 00:03:28,033 Bearclaw helps me with the deliveries. 104 00:03:28,076 --> 00:03:29,425 Hey. 105 00:03:29,469 --> 00:03:30,949 Here's your check, my man. Thanks, man. 106 00:03:30,992 --> 00:03:34,953 Maybe I'll see you around. I'm in the phone booth. 107 00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:38,086 Um, oh, it was nice to meet you, Jess. 108 00:03:38,129 --> 00:03:40,307 Nice meeting you, too.And, Jess, you met me. 109 00:03:40,349 --> 00:03:42,483 Yes,nice to meet you.. both. 110 00:03:44,135 --> 00:03:48,052 Hey, Nick, I know what I'm gonna do with all my free time. 111 00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,316 Him.You like him? 112 00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:52,319 Mother, may I? Can you give him my phone number? 113 00:03:52,361 --> 00:03:54,189 Yeah, absolutely. 114 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,712 [purrs] 115 00:03:55,757 --> 00:03:57,889 Winston, your sister got so hot. 116 00:03:57,932 --> 00:04:00,109 I'm gonna have to Shaq attack her. 117 00:04:00,151 --> 00:04:01,937 Schmidt. May I have your blessing? 'Cause I'm gonna be, 118 00:04:01,979 --> 00:04:03,460 like, dribbling up the court. Schmidt. 119 00:04:03,503 --> 00:04:04,634 Boom. Technical foul. 120 00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:08,116 Boom. Illegal use of the hands. Boom. 121 00:04:08,159 --> 00:04:10,771 Hello, Schmidt.Charmaine. 122 00:04:12,338 --> 00:04:13,340 Charmaine! 123 00:04:13,383 --> 00:04:14,471 The loft just became 124 00:04:14,514 --> 00:04:15,819 Big Mama's House! 125 00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:20,476 Give me a hug.You gonna take care of this? 126 00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:22,305 He's dead to me.Okay. 127 00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:28,223 Hi. Excuse me. Are you Katie? 128 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,529 I'm Sam from Cupid Match. 129 00:04:29,572 --> 00:04:34,490 And I'm the girl from my dreams of you. 130 00:04:34,534 --> 00:04:35,317 You are Katie, right? 131 00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,406 Yeah. Finally. 132 00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:38,930 I am. I'm Katie. Hi. 133 00:04:38,973 --> 00:04:42,411 Hi. So many e-mails back and forth. 134 00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:43,935 How's the little dog of yours? 135 00:04:43,978 --> 00:04:48,112 I had to put her-im down on the way here. 136 00:04:48,156 --> 00:04:49,898 Oh, my God! I know. 137 00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:52,029 Can I tell you something? 138 00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:53,117 Uh, not really. 139 00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:56,992 I'm you from the future. 140 00:04:57,034 --> 00:04:58,994 Well, that's a first. 141 00:04:59,036 --> 00:05:02,170 Nick, I traveled from the future to find you. 142 00:05:02,213 --> 00:05:03,519 I'm a time traveler. 143 00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:05,261 Does everybody tip badly in the future, 144 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,610 or is it just you? 145 00:05:06,653 --> 00:05:08,350 You don't believe I'm you, do you? 146 00:05:08,394 --> 00:05:09,612 Absolutely not. 147 00:05:09,656 --> 00:05:11,353 Well, I know you didn't shower this morning. 148 00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:12,747 Well, good guess. It's a Wednesday. 149 00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:15,052 I know a girl broke your heart and 150 00:05:15,096 --> 00:05:16,490 you gave up on love. 151 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,535 I know sometimes you get mad and you don't know why. 152 00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:20,406 I know you're a bartender 153 00:05:20,449 --> 00:05:23,365 because you like three feet of bar 154 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:26,237 between you and everyone you meet. 155 00:05:26,281 --> 00:05:28,415 Well, I mean... 156 00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:35,204 Chew on that, you clown. 157 00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:38,425 Wait. Hey, don't-don't say all that weird stuff 158 00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,427 and then just leave! 159 00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,036 You were wrong about the bar! 160 00:05:42,079 --> 00:05:44,518 But everything else was right. 161 00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:52,612 What was the band that we...? I know... 162 00:05:52,656 --> 00:05:53,613 I'm in. 163 00:05:53,656 --> 00:05:57,312 I've been to 48 Creed shows, so... 164 00:05:57,356 --> 00:05:59,053 Forty-two. 165 00:05:59,096 --> 00:06:01,012 No way! Way! 166 00:06:01,055 --> 00:06:04,406 Are you serious? Wow! 167 00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,800 Way to go, Cupid Match. 168 00:06:06,843 --> 00:06:08,454 Yeah. Hey, hold still. 169 00:06:08,497 --> 00:06:11,413 You got a little hair... 170 00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:13,937 on your nose. 171 00:06:18,334 --> 00:06:19,682 [mouthing] 172 00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:31,129 Let's just say, hypothetically, 173 00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:33,653 we live in a world where time travel exists, okay? 174 00:06:33,697 --> 00:06:36,307 So if that is the case... 175 00:06:36,351 --> 00:06:38,658 One, Marie Antoinette. Two, Cleopatra. 176 00:06:38,701 --> 00:06:40,137 Three, young Ann-Margret. 177 00:06:40,182 --> 00:06:42,096 Four, old Ann-Margret. 178 00:06:42,139 --> 00:06:44,447 Would you shut up, you clown?! I'm being serious! 179 00:06:44,490 --> 00:06:46,841 I'm talking about real time travel here, Schmidty. 180 00:06:46,884 --> 00:06:48,886 And I made an astute observation off of that. 181 00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:50,105 I might have met future me. 182 00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:51,627 Who knows about this? 183 00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:54,108 Nobody. You're the first person I've told, obviously. 184 00:06:54,151 --> 00:06:55,457 Whoa. If I find out how you die, 185 00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:56,850 do you want me to tell you? 186 00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:58,591 Don't worry. I already know. It's one of these moles. 187 00:06:58,634 --> 00:07:01,507 See this little S.O.B. right there? That's the guy? 188 00:07:01,550 --> 00:07:02,596 I've been eyeing him for a while. 189 00:07:02,639 --> 00:07:04,685 That's one's gonna turn green one day, 190 00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:05,903 and then [snaps fingers] there you go. 191 00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:07,338 Schmidt's dead. 192 00:07:07,382 --> 00:07:10,081 I met me in my bar! 193 00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:12,867 Ask him when I meet Kanye. 'Cause I vision... 194 00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:14,389 I'm talking about real time travel. 195 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,305 I have visions of me, Kanye, Beyoncé... 196 00:07:16,348 --> 00:07:17,697 I could figure out what happens with medicine! 197 00:07:17,740 --> 00:07:20,613 Hey, can I talk to you guys? What's up, baby? 198 00:07:20,656 --> 00:07:21,963 Don't call me baby. Seriously, stop. 199 00:07:22,005 --> 00:07:25,531 Come on, spill.Don't wink at me. What? 200 00:07:25,574 --> 00:07:28,143 Okay, look, I had the best sex of my life last night. 201 00:07:28,185 --> 00:07:29,884 He brewed me like a fine chamomile. 202 00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:31,668 Oh, so that was you. 203 00:07:31,711 --> 00:07:33,713 I thought that was a couple bums fighting.It wasn't. 204 00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,672 It was me having sex. I left my body, 205 00:07:35,716 --> 00:07:37,151 Mm. went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, 206 00:07:37,194 --> 00:07:38,935 thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, 207 00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:41,677 came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. 208 00:07:41,721 --> 00:07:43,985 I came back into my body. Only thing is, 209 00:07:44,028 --> 00:07:46,552 he thinks my name is Katie. 210 00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,685 And that I'm a dancer 211 00:07:48,728 --> 00:07:50,425 and/or something involving puppets. 212 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,600 SAM: Katie? 213 00:07:51,644 --> 00:07:52,689 KATIE: Hey, Sam. 214 00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:56,345 These are my roommates.Hey. 215 00:07:56,387 --> 00:07:58,694 Hey, uh, Katie, we're running late for dance rehearsal.Yes. Oh. 216 00:07:58,738 --> 00:08:00,567 We're wondering if we're doing leg warmers today... 217 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,220 Leg warmers.Oh, we are. Leg warmers? 218 00:08:02,264 --> 00:08:03,744 You guys are dancers, too? 219 00:08:03,786 --> 00:08:05,528 Yeah, I mean, mostly Katie,Yes, yes. 220 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:07,617 but yeah.What, do we not look like dancers? 221 00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:09,706 No, I mean...This one's a leaper. 222 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,533 No, I knew he was gonna go there.You're a leaper. You are. 223 00:08:11,577 --> 00:08:13,622 Yep. He is. They call him, uh, Cricket. 224 00:08:13,666 --> 00:08:15,625 Yeah, Cricket the leaper.Let me see you leap. 225 00:08:15,668 --> 00:08:17,452 Cricket, show him how you leap.I'd love to see you leap. 226 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,672 Don't get self-conscious now. You've got this. 227 00:08:18,714 --> 00:08:20,369 You've got it.You're really 228 00:08:20,411 --> 00:08:21,762 getting a show here, 'cause he normally 229 00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:23,632 doesn't do this for a private audience. 230 00:08:23,677 --> 00:08:25,374 Do the tribal stuff.All right. Yeah. 231 00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:29,552 SCHMIDT: Beautiful.SAM: Is he okay? 232 00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,684 I'm kind of hearing some popping. 233 00:08:30,726 --> 00:08:32,903 SCHMIDT: No, no, look at that vert. 234 00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:34,426 Breathtaking.Faster. Faster. 235 00:08:34,470 --> 00:08:35,731 SCHMIDT: Grasshopper. 236 00:08:35,775 --> 00:08:37,211 And I'm done. 237 00:08:37,254 --> 00:08:38,735 All right, you know what? I'm gonna go 238 00:08:38,778 --> 00:08:40,562 to a couple brunches, maybe take a nap, 239 00:08:40,606 --> 00:08:41,738 rehydrate. Come here. 240 00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,566 [grunts] 241 00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,480 NICK: This is so normal. 242 00:08:45,524 --> 00:08:46,787 This isn't upsetting at all. 243 00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:48,265 Yah! 244 00:08:48,309 --> 00:08:50,746 [laughs] Oh, man. 245 00:08:50,790 --> 00:08:52,488 All right, I'm gonna text you later. 246 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,793 Yep.And if you 247 00:08:53,836 --> 00:08:54,750 find my underwear just, uh... 248 00:08:54,794 --> 00:08:55,926 keep it. 249 00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:57,580 [whispers]: I got to go. 250 00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,976 SCHMIDT: Wow, Katie's an animal. 251 00:09:03,019 --> 00:09:05,066 Katie's the best.Nice. 252 00:09:05,109 --> 00:09:07,371 I love being Katie. 253 00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,591 Vintage Katie.Like an animal you are. 254 00:09:09,635 --> 00:09:12,639 Katie knows how the sausage gets made. 255 00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:14,030 Ew.Katie... 256 00:09:14,075 --> 00:09:17,469 has a job, y'all. 257 00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:19,601 I think I should just stay Katie. 258 00:09:19,645 --> 00:09:21,604 Maybe you should watch a cautionary tale 259 00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,823 that I like to call The Nutty Professor. 260 00:09:23,866 --> 00:09:24,999 What's Katie gonna do, Nick? 261 00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:27,261 She's got some pretty dark needs. 262 00:09:27,304 --> 00:09:29,786 Well, I hope you don't like him, 'cause you're not coming back 263 00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:31,745 from, "Just kidding. My name is actually Jess." 264 00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:33,006 [phone chimes] 265 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:38,011 "Hey, I got your number from Nick. Want to hang?" 266 00:09:38,054 --> 00:09:39,665 What's this?I gave your number 267 00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:42,668 to the guy that you like from the bar. You asked me to. 268 00:09:42,711 --> 00:09:44,278 Oh, my God. 269 00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:45,759 I forgot. 270 00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:47,847 I've never had two guys into me before. 271 00:09:47,890 --> 00:09:49,893 What's happening?Jess, I'm gonna tell you what's happening. 272 00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,068 Okay, there comes a time 273 00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:54,462 in every person's life when... 274 00:09:54,505 --> 00:09:56,334 for no reason whatsoever 275 00:09:56,378 --> 00:09:57,988 they are irresistible to the opposite sex. 276 00:09:58,032 --> 00:09:59,686 For me, it was the third night 277 00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,861 of Hanukkah '96, 278 00:10:01,904 --> 00:10:04,254 which I like to refer to as The Night of the Shoshannas. 279 00:10:04,298 --> 00:10:06,344 For me, it's every time I Jet Ski. 280 00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:08,476 This is not fair. 281 00:10:08,519 --> 00:10:10,260 It is gonna take all of my game 282 00:10:10,304 --> 00:10:12,089 to sleep with Winston's sister. What? 283 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:13,307 What?And then there's you, 284 00:10:13,350 --> 00:10:15,571 who has this raw animal magnetism 285 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,789 just dropped in her lap 286 00:10:16,832 --> 00:10:19,313 like a sack of taters. What a waste. 287 00:10:19,356 --> 00:10:22,838 I'm pretty sure it is not a waste.Oh, it's a waste. 288 00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:24,536 Jess, look, you don't have the skill 289 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:25,668 to juggle men. 290 00:10:25,711 --> 00:10:26,842 You wear a cardigan 291 00:10:26,886 --> 00:10:28,149 on top of another cardigan. 292 00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:29,846 We all know you're not the best with doorknobs. 293 00:10:29,889 --> 00:10:32,022 You can barely hold one thing in each hand. 294 00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:34,024 You tripped the other day just standing there. 295 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,025 What's happening? 296 00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:39,725 Okay, but Katie can juggle men. 297 00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:41,945 She's out the door before you even know 298 00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:43,773 your wallet's gone, son. 299 00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:45,078 [phone chimes]Ooh. 300 00:10:45,121 --> 00:10:47,341 He wants to cook for me. 301 00:10:47,384 --> 00:10:49,038 Is there a hot way of saying 302 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,825 I don't feel sexy after I've had a lot of cheese? 303 00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:53,477 I would say no. 304 00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:55,915 WINSTON [whistles]: Didn't know 305 00:10:55,959 --> 00:10:57,525 this was a butter knife type of place. 306 00:10:57,568 --> 00:10:59,788 Don't worry, the team's paying. 307 00:10:59,832 --> 00:11:02,879 If anybody asks, you're the ball boy. 308 00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:05,620 Hey, Coach, put me in. 309 00:11:05,664 --> 00:11:07,927 Schmidt.Schmidt, what the hell are you doing here? 310 00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:09,755 Come on, move over. Hey, y'all. 311 00:11:09,798 --> 00:11:11,888 Everybody scooch, a little scoochie down. 312 00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:13,889 Okay, teamwork. Defense.Really? 313 00:11:13,933 --> 00:11:14,847 A lot of money that I want 314 00:11:14,890 --> 00:11:17,546 to deposit into your Tyra Banks. 315 00:11:17,588 --> 00:11:19,634 If he touches your sister, 316 00:11:19,678 --> 00:11:21,768 I'm gonna stop paying your cell phone bill. 317 00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:23,333 The L.A. Sparks. 318 00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:24,945 So many Sparks in one place, 319 00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:26,380 you're about to start the world's sexiest fire. 320 00:11:26,423 --> 00:11:27,903 Am I right? 321 00:11:27,947 --> 00:11:29,818 JESS: Andy and I have been 322 00:11:29,863 --> 00:11:31,908 sending each other some pretty dirty texts. 323 00:11:31,951 --> 00:11:33,344 Come to the professor. Let me see. 324 00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:35,606 He says, "Can't stop thinking 325 00:11:35,650 --> 00:11:37,609 about what you're gonna wear tonight." 326 00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:38,959 How do I respond? 327 00:11:39,001 --> 00:11:40,787 With a simple... Mm-hmm. 328 00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:42,091 "Or not wear." 329 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,572 Okay. Okay? 330 00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,008 "Or not wear 331 00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:47,793 because sex happens naked." 332 00:11:47,836 --> 00:11:49,926 Send. 333 00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,754 Okay, let me help you with that. 334 00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,147 "Just kidding. 335 00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:55,758 Get ready for a night you will never forget." 336 00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:56,802 Okay? 337 00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:59,543 "Because once you see my body, 338 00:11:59,587 --> 00:12:01,154 you will go brain-dead and have memory loss." 339 00:12:01,197 --> 00:12:02,591 Send. 340 00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:03,765 Oh, no. 341 00:12:03,809 --> 00:12:06,333 Autocorrect changed "body" to "meat bar." 342 00:12:06,376 --> 00:12:07,988 [knocking on door] 343 00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:14,995 Bearclaw, what are you... 344 00:12:15,038 --> 00:12:16,605 Yeah! 345 00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,649 Oh, you're so hot. 346 00:12:18,693 --> 00:12:21,349 Come here. 347 00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:24,613 [sighs, whispers]: I can't wait to see your meat bar. 348 00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,966 That's why they call me Bearclaw. 349 00:12:31,010 --> 00:12:32,926 You did that yourself in middle school. 350 00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:33,970 See now it's retracting its claws. 351 00:12:34,014 --> 00:12:36,625 Now it's contracting its claws. 352 00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:39,846 Like, "Rrr, I'm gonna attack you in the wild." 353 00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:41,020 [phone rings]Oh, my God, phone's ringing. 354 00:12:41,063 --> 00:12:42,413 Oh. Got to take this. 355 00:12:42,456 --> 00:12:43,806 I'm so sorry, it... 356 00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:44,850 No, no, no, I...It's very important. 357 00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:46,155 I'll just be cooking. 358 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,635 I love cooking. 359 00:12:47,678 --> 00:12:50,421 It's my only outlet. 360 00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:51,857 Nick, Nick. 361 00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:54,686 You gave my number to the wrong guy. 362 00:12:54,730 --> 00:12:57,080 Wait, which one did you want me to give your number to?Andy. 363 00:12:57,124 --> 00:12:59,822 Andy is so boring. 364 00:12:59,865 --> 00:13:01,955 Bearclaw just told me a ten minute joke about squirrels 365 00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:04,086 with the punch line, "eat these nuts." 366 00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:06,394 Seriously, he is so awesome. 367 00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:08,004 Nick, I don't want to hurt his feelings. 368 00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:09,701 Tell me what to do 369 00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:11,833 because you got me into this mess; this is your fault. 370 00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,836 This is not my fault. I just wanted you 371 00:13:13,879 --> 00:13:16,230 to stop cleaning the kitchen so much, Jess. 372 00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:18,841 [phone chimes]Oh, my God. 373 00:13:18,884 --> 00:13:20,059 Who's Katie? 374 00:13:20,102 --> 00:13:21,844 I'm Katie. 375 00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:24,673 What is happening? 376 00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:29,068 Hey, mama bear. Hey. 377 00:13:29,111 --> 00:13:30,504 Yeah. 378 00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:31,854 Can I tell you some... thing? 379 00:13:31,898 --> 00:13:32,855 Me first. 380 00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:34,290 Um, when Nick... 381 00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:37,206 When Nick told me that you wanted my number, 382 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,643 I was all like... 383 00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:40,080 [bellows] 384 00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:41,864 And then I was like, 385 00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:44,039 Nick, this might be the best thing 386 00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:46,216 that ever happened to me. 387 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,956 Now you go. 388 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,437 Um... 389 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,831 what I was gonna say was, um... 390 00:13:54,963 --> 00:13:56,923 You're... 391 00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:59,099 an old soul. 392 00:13:59,142 --> 00:14:00,490 Hey, I wanted.... 393 00:14:00,534 --> 00:14:02,231 I wanted to tell you. 394 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:04,104 When I, uh, 395 00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:05,975 I got your text from before, 396 00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:09,892 and I have figured out my sex character. 397 00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:12,938 And it's Sergeant Giddyap Carruthers. 398 00:14:16,506 --> 00:14:17,943 Hey, if we... if we make love later, 399 00:14:17,986 --> 00:14:22,470 and I tell you to pretend that I'm a scary ghost, 400 00:14:22,513 --> 00:14:25,298 are you gonna be weirded out by that? 401 00:14:25,341 --> 00:14:27,735 Bearclaw, I'm sick. 402 00:14:27,778 --> 00:14:29,085 Oh. 403 00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:31,347 In my... face. Oh, no, um, 404 00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,480 I've got an anal thermometer in my bag. 405 00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:35,048 I'm really good at telling myself, 406 00:14:35,091 --> 00:14:37,832 and I think that I'm... I feel very feverish. 407 00:14:37,876 --> 00:14:39,922 I don't think I need the thermometer. Oh, yeah. 408 00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:41,009 No, you do feel hot. 409 00:14:41,053 --> 00:14:42,706 Yeah. 410 00:14:42,750 --> 00:14:45,318 Now you feel even hotter. 411 00:14:45,361 --> 00:14:47,102 Alisha, have a drink with me. 412 00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:49,149 Schmidt, 413 00:14:49,192 --> 00:14:51,802 I only go out with guys who play basketball. 414 00:14:51,846 --> 00:14:52,934 Well, let's play for it. 415 00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:54,544 I win, you have a drink with me. 416 00:14:54,588 --> 00:14:55,937 You win, I take you to brunch. 417 00:14:55,981 --> 00:14:57,808 Shoot me. 418 00:14:57,852 --> 00:15:00,115 Schmidt, I'm a professional basketball player. 419 00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:02,945 Yeah, and I'm a guy who works in marketing that wants to give it to you. 420 00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:04,860 We both have jobs; get over it. 421 00:15:04,903 --> 00:15:06,166 Do I ever finish writing my zombie book? 422 00:15:06,208 --> 00:15:08,037 Z is for Zombie? 423 00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:09,995 Great title. 424 00:15:10,038 --> 00:15:12,172 Do we ever get rich and famous? 425 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,000 Three words: 426 00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:17,003 hot, air, balloon. 427 00:15:17,046 --> 00:15:19,178 Do we invent them? 428 00:15:19,221 --> 00:15:21,789 No, they've been invented. 429 00:15:23,225 --> 00:15:23,966 Jess or Katie? 430 00:15:24,009 --> 00:15:25,097 Not now, Nicks. 431 00:15:25,140 --> 00:15:27,970 Hey, tell her you're sorry. 432 00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,798 What for?You'll find out. 433 00:15:29,841 --> 00:15:32,018 I mean, I'm sure I did something stupid, 434 00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:33,149 but what did I do? 435 00:15:33,192 --> 00:15:35,020 You just tell her you're sorry. 436 00:15:35,063 --> 00:15:36,022 What did I do? 437 00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,587 You did something stupid. 438 00:15:37,631 --> 00:15:38,980 So tell her you're sorry. 439 00:15:39,024 --> 00:15:41,201 Now I know why people get annoyed with me. 440 00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:42,288 It's hard to talk to us. 441 00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:49,644 Hey, you know, I can't believe she asked Nick 442 00:15:49,687 --> 00:15:51,775 for your number and then... 443 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,081 Yeah, yeah, you know what, man? 444 00:15:53,125 --> 00:15:55,040 We-We're perfect together. 445 00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:58,000 It's like I finally found my lady bear. 446 00:15:58,043 --> 00:16:00,046 See, I felt like we had a connection, too. 447 00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:02,351 You know, I don't know if you ever get that feeling like, 448 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,485 I don't know, like maybe I could marry this woman. 449 00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:06,225 Oh, God. 450 00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,879 [gasps]Is there a woman in that bathroom 451 00:16:08,923 --> 00:16:10,099 being harmed? 452 00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:11,274 No. 453 00:16:11,317 --> 00:16:13,014 I don't buy it. Get out of the way. 454 00:16:13,058 --> 00:16:14,929 I was trained for this. 455 00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,193 Now you're gonna get the Bearcl... 456 00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:19,065 Jess? 457 00:16:19,107 --> 00:16:20,022 Hi, Bearclaw. 458 00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,414 I thought you were sick. 459 00:16:21,457 --> 00:16:23,504 I'm feeling better. 460 00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:25,245 Why are you... if you're sick, 461 00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:29,075 why are nothing but your breasts covered, Jess? 462 00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:31,467 Are you a doctor, is that why? 463 00:16:31,511 --> 00:16:33,644 Are you a doc... is he a doctor? 464 00:16:33,687 --> 00:16:35,384 Do you know these guys, Katie?ANDY: Who's Katie? 465 00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,952 What is going on in... Jess? 466 00:16:37,996 --> 00:16:39,955 No, Nick.I... Katie? 467 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:43,001 What is happening?! 468 00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:48,049 Liar! You... 469 00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:49,269 Liar! 470 00:16:49,312 --> 00:16:51,662 I'm sorry, Bearclaw, but I meant Nick 471 00:16:51,706 --> 00:16:53,099 to give my number to Andy. 472 00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,403 Silver lining, you have a huge fan in Nick. 473 00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,275 She's not good enough for you, Bearclaw. 474 00:16:56,318 --> 00:16:57,668 None of these people are good enough for you. 475 00:16:57,711 --> 00:16:58,929 And, Sam, I'm sorry I stole you 476 00:16:58,974 --> 00:17:01,236 from real Katie, but ugh, look at you. 477 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:02,629 He's so handsome.Very handsome. 478 00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:03,543 I'm only human. 479 00:17:03,586 --> 00:17:04,674 You know what, Bearclaw? 480 00:17:04,719 --> 00:17:05,849 I would have taken you to the bathroom, 481 00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:06,981 big guy.He would've. 482 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,288 You guys are terrible people. 483 00:17:08,330 --> 00:17:10,202 I want to die.SAM: Hey, hold on a second. 484 00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:12,204 Everyone just calm down. Are you really a dancer? 485 00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:13,770 Are you an idiot, Sam?JESS: Yes! 486 00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:15,556 Did I tell a lie? I did. 487 00:17:15,598 --> 00:17:17,078 But in my defense, 488 00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:19,125 I'm off the grid. 489 00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:20,560 We're all off the grid. Hey, hey, 490 00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:22,127 we are all off the grid. 491 00:17:22,171 --> 00:17:24,868 Every single one of us, especially you, handsome. 492 00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:26,871 I loved you!I think that's 493 00:17:26,914 --> 00:17:28,351 a little bit of an exaggeration. 494 00:17:28,394 --> 00:17:30,092 You're gonna tell him how he feels after everything 495 00:17:30,135 --> 00:17:31,659 you've just done?Why don't you shut up, Andy? 496 00:17:31,701 --> 00:17:33,703 Yeah, shut up, Andy.What is this, recess? Come on. 497 00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:35,750 Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, Andy! 498 00:17:35,792 --> 00:17:37,490 Nick. 499 00:17:39,144 --> 00:17:40,232 It's time. 500 00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:42,017 Good-bye. 501 00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:43,105 No, no, Nick. 502 00:17:43,148 --> 00:17:44,498 Old Nick, don't go! 503 00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:46,152 [door closes]Nick! 504 00:17:46,194 --> 00:17:47,674 Nick, wait. 505 00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:49,241 Please. 506 00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:51,287 There's so much more I need to ask you. 507 00:17:51,330 --> 00:17:52,896 I got to get back. 508 00:17:52,941 --> 00:17:54,334 Why do I need to apologize to Jess? 509 00:17:54,376 --> 00:17:55,726 What did I do wrong? 510 00:17:57,728 --> 00:18:00,122 Make her an old-fashioned. 511 00:18:00,165 --> 00:18:01,950 [chuckles] 512 00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:12,961 Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep. 513 00:18:13,003 --> 00:18:15,355 Beep, boop, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. 514 00:18:15,397 --> 00:18:18,140 Beep, beep, boop, beep, ba, ba, ba, beep. 515 00:18:18,183 --> 00:18:19,315 [groans]Beep, beep, boop, boop, boo. 516 00:18:19,358 --> 00:18:20,663 [rolls tongue] 517 00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:25,016 I believed you. 518 00:18:25,059 --> 00:18:27,323 Olde England. 519 00:18:27,366 --> 00:18:30,979 Have a good trip, man. 520 00:18:31,021 --> 00:18:32,762 When I was a kid, Yeah. 521 00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:34,200 watching MTV, 522 00:18:34,242 --> 00:18:36,419 I thought that if I played my cards right, 523 00:18:36,462 --> 00:18:38,334 I could grow up to be Jenny McCarthy. 524 00:18:38,377 --> 00:18:39,943 Jenny McCarthy? You? 525 00:18:39,988 --> 00:18:41,250 Don't make that face. 526 00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:42,643 She was so beautiful 527 00:18:42,685 --> 00:18:45,166 with all that swearing, but you know what? 528 00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:46,385 I'm not Jenny McCarthy. 529 00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:48,170 I know that now. 530 00:18:48,213 --> 00:18:50,346 I'm back on the grid, Nick.You know, 531 00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:51,391 I always wanted to be Kurt Loder. 532 00:18:51,433 --> 00:18:53,567 Kurt Loder? He never even went to 533 00:18:53,609 --> 00:18:56,177 the Spring Break House. He was stuck in New York, talking to Pearl Jam. 534 00:18:56,221 --> 00:18:58,354 He is the elder statesman of our generation. 535 00:18:58,397 --> 00:19:00,313 Why are you making me a drink? You never bring work home. 536 00:19:00,355 --> 00:19:02,183 All right, this is gonna sound really weird, 537 00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:05,970 but in the future I might do something really bad to you, 538 00:19:06,013 --> 00:19:07,319 and I hope you'll forgive me. 539 00:19:08,233 --> 00:19:10,410 Do you like old-fashioneds, Jess? 540 00:19:10,452 --> 00:19:12,541 I've actually always wanted to try one. 541 00:19:12,586 --> 00:19:13,891 How did you know? 542 00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:15,284 [knocking on door] 543 00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:23,249 What are you gonna do to me? 544 00:19:23,291 --> 00:19:24,902 I don't know. 545 00:19:24,945 --> 00:19:26,556 But it could be bad. 546 00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:30,038 Like me getting drunk and peeing in your closet 547 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,560 on all your pretty dresses. 548 00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,388 [laughs] 549 00:19:33,432 --> 00:19:35,434 I forgive you. 550 00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:39,047 [knocking resumes] 551 00:19:39,089 --> 00:19:41,267 Imagine all that pee on your pretty dresses, Jess. 552 00:19:41,309 --> 00:19:42,397 I still forgive you. 553 00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:44,443 Hey. 554 00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,271 Sam, hi. 555 00:19:46,315 --> 00:19:47,403 Katie? 556 00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:49,230 Not Katie. 557 00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:52,712 Yeah, uh, I'm sorry to come over here unannounced. 558 00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:56,238 I didn't... I just wanted to tell you 559 00:19:56,281 --> 00:20:00,286 that I don't... I don't care that you lied to me. 560 00:20:00,328 --> 00:20:02,505 I lied, too. Half my profile is a lie. 561 00:20:02,548 --> 00:20:06,291 I am not a shy food blogger 562 00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:10,296 who wants a destination wedding in Scotland, okay? 563 00:20:10,338 --> 00:20:12,602 I don't open up the more you get to know me. 564 00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:14,299 I mean, I, you know, Internet date 565 00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:17,127 so I don't have to sleep with people I work with. 566 00:20:17,172 --> 00:20:18,520 I do like Creed, though. 567 00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,044 I hate Creed. 568 00:20:20,087 --> 00:20:22,394 I don't care what you like 569 00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:24,396 or what your name is, 570 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,487 or... anything about you. 571 00:20:27,529 --> 00:20:29,489 And the good news is you don't have 572 00:20:29,531 --> 00:20:31,838 to care about me either. 573 00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:35,320 And we can still tear each other apart. 574 00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:37,626 What do you think? 575 00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:39,280 You know what? 576 00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:41,282 I'm gonna say yes, I think. 577 00:20:41,326 --> 00:20:42,327 Yeah, let's do this. 578 00:20:42,371 --> 00:20:43,980 Um... 579 00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:48,463 Do we start now or later 580 00:20:48,508 --> 00:20:50,944 or now? 581 00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:56,906 Congratulations. I see you've met the one. 582 00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:58,647 [thump]Watch out for the wall. 583 00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:00,301 ♪ 584 00:21:08,179 --> 00:21:10,398 ♪ Yeah, that's right, this cut 585 00:21:10,442 --> 00:21:11,791 ♪ Goes out to all y'all that's been ♪ 586 00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:14,184 ♪ Missing us for mad years, one love, yo ♪ 587 00:21:14,229 --> 00:21:16,536 ♪ Yeah, that's right, he's got game ♪ 588 00:21:16,578 --> 00:21:18,755 ♪ PE, 1998. It might feel good ♪ 589 00:21:18,798 --> 00:21:20,757 ♪ It might sound a little something ♪ 590 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,325 ♪ But damn the game if it don't mean nothing... ♪ 591 00:21:23,368 --> 00:21:24,934 You ready, ma? 592 00:21:24,979 --> 00:21:28,765 'Cause I'm about to dribble this hard 593 00:21:28,808 --> 00:21:31,898 all the way to the hole. 594 00:21:31,942 --> 00:21:32,987 Come on, Schmidty. 595 00:21:33,029 --> 00:21:35,990 All right, let's do this. Come on, ma.