1 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,618 Oh, late, late, late, late, late. 2 00:00:09,660 --> 00:00:12,621 ♪ I couldn't dance with another ♪ 3 00:00:12,663 --> 00:00:13,926 ♪ No, I 4 00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:15,884 ♪ Couldn't ask for another ♪ 5 00:00:15,928 --> 00:00:18,234 ♪ Groove is in the heart, yeah. ♪ 6 00:00:18,278 --> 00:00:19,193 Cold, cold, cold shower! 7 00:00:19,236 --> 00:00:22,065 Hey, hey, hey. 8 00:00:22,109 --> 00:00:23,893 You can't turn the sink on when someone's in the shower. 9 00:00:23,936 --> 00:00:25,416 This is not some fancy hotel. 10 00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:27,243 Okay, I'm sorry, I overslept. 11 00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:28,853 I'm running late for a meeting with the vice principal. 12 00:00:28,897 --> 00:00:31,248 Please get out of here so I can save 13 00:00:31,292 --> 00:00:33,250 - a little bit of my dignity. - Okay. Sorry. 14 00:00:33,293 --> 00:00:35,252 One, two, three, four. 15 00:00:35,295 --> 00:00:37,079 ♪ Groove is in the heart. 16 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:39,082 I'm not gonna do it, Schmidt, so you can just stop asking me. 17 00:00:39,125 --> 00:00:40,909 Well, I'm gonna keep asking, so just do it. Look, 18 00:00:40,953 --> 00:00:42,432 I'm not doing it until you tell me why you've had 19 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,261 time to shave your chest but not your face. 20 00:00:46,307 --> 00:00:48,308 Ugh, Jess, would you please scratch an itch 21 00:00:48,351 --> 00:00:49,875 I have on my undercarriage? 22 00:00:49,918 --> 00:00:51,485 I can't get the right angle and Winston refuses. 23 00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:53,095 No, I don't have time, Schmidt. 24 00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:54,706 Jess, please, I-I-- this is awful. 25 00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:57,100 I feel like I dropped something in there. 26 00:00:57,143 --> 00:00:59,276 You hear that? Loose change. 27 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,929 I thought we talked 28 00:01:00,972 --> 00:01:03,237 about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen. 29 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:05,456 Excuse me, do you think this has been easy for me-- 30 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,719 to wash myself all summer long with a penis cast on? 31 00:01:08,763 --> 00:01:10,156 Thank God this thing comes off this afternoon. 32 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,507 And by the way, I know what you've been thinking, 33 00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,162 and the answer is yes, 34 00:01:15,204 --> 00:01:16,685 I have been able to reach completion 35 00:01:16,728 --> 00:01:19,557 with some very precise and vigorous nipple play. 36 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,168 Nipple play-- off-limits. 37 00:01:21,210 --> 00:01:23,257 Wait, Jess, please, I-I'm begging you. 38 00:01:23,299 --> 00:01:24,213 Okay, fine. 39 00:01:24,257 --> 00:01:26,477 Just get it, just get it in there 40 00:01:26,521 --> 00:01:28,522 in the back.Stop moving like that. 41 00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:30,263 There you go. 42 00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:32,308 [moans] 43 00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:33,266 Oh, thank God. 44 00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:35,311 What am I watching here? 45 00:01:35,355 --> 00:01:36,486 What do you mean?This is friendship, 46 00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:39,968 pure unadulterated friendship. 47 00:01:40,012 --> 00:01:41,275 Oh, yeah. 48 00:01:41,317 --> 00:01:44,365 ♪ Hey, girl 49 00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:46,496 ♪ What you doing? 50 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:49,543 ♪ Hey, girl 51 00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:52,286 ♪ Where you going? 52 00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:55,201 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Who's that girl?♪ 53 00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:56,551 ♪ Who's that girl? 54 00:01:56,593 --> 00:01:59,118 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. 55 00:02:03,253 --> 00:02:05,777 Hi, Tanya, um, sorry I'm late. 56 00:02:05,820 --> 00:02:07,301 Take a seat. 57 00:02:07,343 --> 00:02:08,519 Okay. 58 00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,347 Is everything all right? 59 00:02:10,390 --> 00:02:11,826 I'll give you the bad news first. 60 00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:13,133 Okay. 61 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:15,352 The bad news is, is that cutbacks are forcing me 62 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:18,181 to lay off ten percent of our nontenured teachers. 63 00:02:18,224 --> 00:02:19,965 That's terrible. 64 00:02:20,009 --> 00:02:22,576 But the bad news is, is that it seems you are one of them. 65 00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:27,146 That's not how you deliver news. 66 00:02:29,409 --> 00:02:30,540 What are you doing? 67 00:02:30,585 --> 00:02:33,413 Trying to make this more fun. 68 00:02:33,456 --> 00:02:35,590 No. You're right. 69 00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:38,593 Tanya, I'm a really good teacher. 70 00:02:38,635 --> 00:02:40,203 I care about my kids. 71 00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:41,770 I spent two months 72 00:02:41,812 --> 00:02:45,207 in summer school with an Indian student named Vaj Rejuv 73 00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:49,211 and I did not laugh once, not once. 74 00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:51,823 I'm sorry, Jess, but on the plus side... 75 00:02:51,866 --> 00:02:53,868 you can have anything you want 76 00:02:53,912 --> 00:02:56,393 out of the lost-and-found box. 77 00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:58,221 Okay. 78 00:03:02,050 --> 00:03:03,835 Good choice. Thank you for the opportunity. 79 00:03:03,878 --> 00:03:05,881 Um, it's been an honor working here. 80 00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:09,362 The dictionary defines "teacher" as... 81 00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:11,842 Okay, you can take another one. 82 00:03:17,283 --> 00:03:18,459 NICK: No, you can't share a bowl of cereal. 83 00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:19,895 WINSTON: Why not? 84 00:03:19,937 --> 00:03:22,376 The cast is off, gentlemen. 85 00:03:22,419 --> 00:03:24,812 Great. Congratulations, man.Good news, man. 86 00:03:24,855 --> 00:03:27,467 Oh! Oh! Yeah, take it in. 87 00:03:27,510 --> 00:03:29,425 Goodness, the smell, man.We have done nothing but love you, Schmidt. 88 00:03:29,469 --> 00:03:32,429 Soak it all in, in all its foul glory. 89 00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:33,865 That is not just some 90 00:03:33,908 --> 00:03:35,650 disgusting, salty bundle of gauze. 91 00:03:35,692 --> 00:03:38,870 That is a symbol of who I was for the past two months: 92 00:03:38,913 --> 00:03:40,480 the broken-penis guy. 93 00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:42,612 But if there's anything that majoring in marketing 94 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,266 with a minor in theater studies 95 00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:45,442 has taught me, 96 00:03:45,485 --> 00:03:47,051 it's that everybody has a brand. 97 00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,881 Nick, your brand is gypsy alcoholic handyman. 98 00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:50,925 Winston, 99 00:03:50,968 --> 00:03:52,622 your brand is Winston. 100 00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:54,058 [chuckling] 101 00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,626 Nicholas, Winstoniel, 102 00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:58,847 I'm staging an event to relaunch the Schmidt brand. 103 00:03:58,889 --> 00:04:00,631 It's going to happen this Saturday night, 104 00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:03,111 and it is going to be epic. 105 00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:04,287 You're having a party to tell girls 106 00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:05,419 you're ready to have sex again? 107 00:04:05,461 --> 00:04:09,292 Not a party; a rebranding event. 108 00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:11,120 Please tell me there's not a theme. 109 00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,948 There most certainly is a theme-- it is a secret 110 00:04:12,990 --> 00:04:14,862 that will be announced on the night.I bet it's danger. 111 00:04:14,906 --> 00:04:16,646 No, you're... you're wrong. It's not danger. 112 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,867 It'll be announced on the night.NICK: I really think 113 00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:20,651 it's going to be danger.I'm going to go with danger. 114 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,478 Come on, man, it's not danger. Stop guessing danger. 115 00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:24,307 Who'd you invite? 116 00:04:24,350 --> 00:04:25,699 The ladies from Lululemon, my urologist, 117 00:04:25,742 --> 00:04:27,440 my badminton partner, my financial planner, 118 00:04:27,483 --> 00:04:29,485 Philip Seymour Hoffman and a guy who once wrote 119 00:04:29,529 --> 00:04:31,314 for a little show called Crank Yankers. 120 00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:33,490 And obviously Cece. 121 00:04:33,533 --> 00:04:34,970 She hasn't spoken to you all summer-- 122 00:04:35,012 --> 00:04:36,884 since you broke up with her. 123 00:04:36,927 --> 00:04:38,538 Yeah, I'm over it. 124 00:04:38,581 --> 00:04:39,887 It's not about her. I hope she comes. 125 00:04:39,930 --> 00:04:41,976 SCHMIDT: Now, let's talk venue. 126 00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,459 Jess, oh, my God. 127 00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:46,677 Are you okay? 128 00:04:46,721 --> 00:04:48,331 How long have you been sitting here? 129 00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:50,201 [sighs] 130 00:04:50,245 --> 00:04:53,336 I panicked, and I grabbed the hat. 131 00:04:53,379 --> 00:04:56,512 I should have grabbed the yo-yo or the slap bracelet, 132 00:04:56,557 --> 00:05:00,343 and now all I have is this stupid hat. 133 00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:02,519 I'm sorry. No, you're right. 134 00:05:02,562 --> 00:05:04,738 I'm overthinking it. The hat's fine. 135 00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,350 Will you take me home? 136 00:05:08,394 --> 00:05:09,483 Yeah, of course. 137 00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:10,701 I-I can't go upstairs, though, 138 00:05:10,745 --> 00:05:12,399 'cause of the whole Schmidt thing. 139 00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:14,356 It's going to be okay, all right? 140 00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:16,706 I mean, this is the moment before something amazing 141 00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:18,492 is going to happen for you. I promise. 142 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:19,841 Put these on. 143 00:05:22,233 --> 00:05:23,540 Is this making you feel better? 144 00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:24,975 [chuckling] 145 00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:29,764 SCHMIDT: I've decided to host my 146 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:32,026 relaunch event at Nick's bar. No. 147 00:05:32,069 --> 00:05:33,985 And you, my friend, are bartending. 148 00:05:34,028 --> 00:05:36,423 Don't make me work for you. You can have everything else. 149 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:37,511 Come on, man. You're perfect. 150 00:05:37,553 --> 00:05:38,947 You bring the heat, but you're not 151 00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:40,252 a threat in the looks department. 152 00:05:40,295 --> 00:05:41,731 I get that, actually.And only you 153 00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:43,603 can make those fruity drinks that used to make 154 00:05:43,646 --> 00:05:45,954 the girls lose their minds in college. 155 00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:48,216 Fine, I'll do it, but I'm not making those drinks. 156 00:05:48,259 --> 00:05:50,393 Oh, come on, Nick. You have a gift. 157 00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:53,396 Why you always trying to hide your light under a bushel? 158 00:05:53,439 --> 00:05:56,268 Because, sure, I could get a girl topless, no bra, 159 00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:57,834 with one hollowed-out papaya, 160 00:05:57,879 --> 00:06:00,576 some crushed ice and two fingers of rum, 161 00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:02,274 but then I grew up. 162 00:06:02,317 --> 00:06:05,233 Now I only want to make a drink that a coal miner would want. 163 00:06:05,276 --> 00:06:07,540 Straightforward, honest. 164 00:06:07,584 --> 00:06:10,586 Something that says, "I work in a hole." 165 00:06:10,630 --> 00:06:12,588 And I'm especially not making those drinks for you. 166 00:06:12,632 --> 00:06:14,024 What? Why?'Cause you can't handle it. 167 00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:15,591 You drink them way too fast, and then you get weird. 168 00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:17,072 Oh, come on. That was, like, years ago, dude. 169 00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:18,552 I'm a changed man. I mean, look at me. 170 00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:20,423 I'm wearing a suit.A suit? Please. 171 00:06:20,466 --> 00:06:21,728 That's something they put on Morgan Freeman 172 00:06:21,771 --> 00:06:24,035 when they let him out of Shawshank. Look at that. 173 00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,559 What, did a magician die in that thing? 174 00:06:25,601 --> 00:06:26,821 [door opens and closes] 175 00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,084 Hi. 176 00:06:30,127 --> 00:06:31,564 I got laid off. 177 00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:33,435 What? Are you serious?Oh, my God. 178 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,612 What happened? Obama. 179 00:06:35,656 --> 00:06:37,571 It's possible I'm still in shock. 180 00:06:37,613 --> 00:06:42,663 I'm going to go to my room and process what just happened. 181 00:06:42,706 --> 00:06:45,055 Thank you for your attention. 182 00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,798 Ah, this is not good. Now she's going to cry. 183 00:06:48,843 --> 00:06:50,018 I hate it when she cries. 184 00:06:50,060 --> 00:06:51,672 Her face gets all red and puffy. 185 00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:53,237 Makes me sick. NICK: Okay, we got to 186 00:06:53,281 --> 00:06:54,630 fix this right now, guys. 187 00:06:54,675 --> 00:06:56,110 Let's go. We got to do something. 188 00:06:56,153 --> 00:06:58,896 [indistinct overlapping chatter] 189 00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:03,639 Okay. Here's how this is going to go.Hi. 190 00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:04,901 You will not pity me. 191 00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:07,470 No pity eyes. Schmidt, stop looking at me 192 00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:08,906 like I'm a fat kid riding a bike. 193 00:07:08,949 --> 00:07:12,343 It's just a job. I'll get a new one. 194 00:07:12,387 --> 00:07:14,651 You're going to get so many jobs, Jess. I promise. 195 00:07:14,694 --> 00:07:16,870 So I just want you to go about your day and act normal. 196 00:07:16,913 --> 00:07:19,829 Okay? 197 00:07:19,874 --> 00:07:20,918 What's wrong with your eyes, Nick? 198 00:07:23,093 --> 00:07:24,834 Stop blinking. Why are you doing that? 199 00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:27,663 I just think they fired the wrong girl, kid. 200 00:07:27,707 --> 00:07:29,449 Oh, for sure. 201 00:07:30,711 --> 00:07:32,146 Stop. Nick! 202 00:07:32,189 --> 00:07:33,670 What's up? 203 00:07:33,713 --> 00:07:35,542 What's wrong with you?You wiggin'? 204 00:07:35,584 --> 00:07:37,543 Act normal, okay?If that's what you want. 205 00:07:37,586 --> 00:07:39,632 That is what I want.That's what you'll get. 206 00:07:39,675 --> 00:07:40,850 JESS: Where you going, Schmidt? 207 00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,286 Sorry. This way. 208 00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:43,463 Bye. 209 00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:51,557 Hey, hey. 210 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:52,689 Hey. 211 00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:53,951 How you doing, kid? Great. 212 00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:55,735 My boobs are loving this unemployed thing. 213 00:07:55,778 --> 00:07:57,519 They don't have to go to boob jail every day. 214 00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:58,651 [laughing] 215 00:07:58,694 --> 00:08:00,653 Job hunt is on. 216 00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:04,658 This hospital Web site says I can earn up to $700, 217 00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:07,747 and all I have to do is be infected with dengue fever. 218 00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:09,531 Are you sure you're okay? 219 00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,098 For the thousandth time, yes. 220 00:08:11,141 --> 00:08:12,665 I know you've been waiting all week 221 00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:14,362 for me to break down, but I'm fine. 222 00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:15,668 Just be normal. 223 00:08:15,711 --> 00:08:17,540 I'm being normal.You're crossing your legs. 224 00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:19,106 I always do this. 225 00:08:19,149 --> 00:08:21,151 You've never crossed your legs in your entire life. 226 00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:22,545 I didn't even know you were that flexible. 227 00:08:22,588 --> 00:08:25,374 Well...And stop being nice to me. 228 00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,680 What, I'm not normally nice to you, Jess? 229 00:08:27,723 --> 00:08:30,771 No. You're mean, like a crazy old man. 230 00:08:30,814 --> 00:08:33,774 "I'm Nick. I hate sunshine. 231 00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:36,124 "When did gum get so fancy? 232 00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:39,126 This escalator goes too fast." 233 00:08:39,169 --> 00:08:40,693 Be mean. 234 00:08:40,736 --> 00:08:43,740 Look sharp, you dumb-ass. 235 00:08:43,783 --> 00:08:45,611 Sorry. That... that was in my head a little. 236 00:08:45,654 --> 00:08:47,701 Look sharp, you dumb-ass. 237 00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:50,225 No. Tighten up! [laughing]: That's terrible. 238 00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:51,792 I don't have it today. I don't know what it is. 239 00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:53,140 SCHMIDT: Can you believe that the zoo 240 00:08:53,183 --> 00:08:54,576 wouldn't let me borrow their white tiger? 241 00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:56,360 I mean, the nerve. 242 00:08:56,404 --> 00:08:58,581 I'm going to be sitting in the back of the party, 243 00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:00,148 and Philip Seymour Hoffman's going to be like, 244 00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:02,019 "Look at that idiot who couldn't even get a big cat." 245 00:09:02,062 --> 00:09:04,456 Schmidt, you need a tiger. 246 00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,023 I need a job. 247 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,590 Hire me. 248 00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:08,591 No. Here... 249 00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:10,592 No, I'm not going to...Schmidt! 250 00:09:10,636 --> 00:09:12,639 What are you...? Hire me. I am a people person. 251 00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:13,813 I'm great at parties. 252 00:09:13,856 --> 00:09:15,729 I can make any kind of balloon animal, 253 00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:18,600 as long as it's a worm or a snake... 254 00:09:18,644 --> 00:09:21,168 No, Jess. Come on. 255 00:09:21,211 --> 00:09:23,736 Help a brother out. 256 00:09:23,779 --> 00:09:25,826 Jess, you just got laid off, okay? 257 00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,827 I can't have an emotionally vulnerable person on my crew. 258 00:09:27,870 --> 00:09:30,613 Tonight is about one man's functioning penis. 259 00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,222 I wouldn't say functioning. 260 00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:33,615 I saw what you did to the toilet seat. 261 00:09:33,659 --> 00:09:35,749 And I'm not unstable. I just need a job. 262 00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,793 Okay, fine. You know what, Jess? Fine. 263 00:09:37,837 --> 00:09:39,490 You can be my other shot girl. 264 00:09:39,534 --> 00:09:41,624 Yes!A shot girl? No, you can't be a shot girl. 265 00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:42,755 Why not? 266 00:09:42,798 --> 00:09:44,408 Because you don't have 267 00:09:44,452 --> 00:09:45,802 that specific hotness that shames men 268 00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:48,196 into spending nine dollars on a two-dollar shot. 269 00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:50,633 She doesn't have it.Are you saying I'm not hot? 270 00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:53,635 No, no, no, I'm not... No, no, you're hot, you're hot. 271 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:55,638 Nick! I'm saying you're the nurse 272 00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:58,640 that I want to wake up to after having my stomach pumped. 273 00:09:58,684 --> 00:09:59,990 You know what I mean? 274 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,817 Its a different kind of hot-- still hot. 275 00:10:01,861 --> 00:10:04,211 I'm going to be a great shot girl, Nick. 276 00:10:04,254 --> 00:10:06,301 I pour liquids into cups every single day. 277 00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:08,825 Add on top of that two years of light tap and jazz. 278 00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,653 Please, I feel... I feel you overthinking this already. 279 00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:13,221 I'm going to be the best shot girl in the world. 280 00:10:13,264 --> 00:10:14,657 Cheers! NICK: Cheers. 281 00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:15,701 Getting my costume. 282 00:10:18,486 --> 00:10:20,663 JESS [a la Mae West]: Hiya, big boy. 283 00:10:20,706 --> 00:10:22,011 What's your poison? 284 00:10:22,056 --> 00:10:24,318 Oh... What? 285 00:10:24,361 --> 00:10:27,061 Yeah, interesting choices. 286 00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:29,279 It's a great hat. Can I have it? 287 00:10:30,716 --> 00:10:32,719 Let's get rid of that. 288 00:10:32,761 --> 00:10:34,677 I've decided that tonight my name is Ivy, 289 00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:36,678 and I'm studying to be an actress, 290 00:10:36,722 --> 00:10:38,681 and I'll sleep with you if you give me a part 291 00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,248 in a Paramount picture.Do you have another 292 00:10:40,290 --> 00:10:41,509 outfit in your car, or are you 293 00:10:41,552 --> 00:10:42,859 going to stick with this one? 294 00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:44,294 Hey, young man, why weren't you drafted? 295 00:10:44,338 --> 00:10:46,907 Your legs don't work? Good stuff. 296 00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:48,908 Schmidt! Just the guy I was looking for. 297 00:10:48,951 --> 00:10:51,693 So the theme of the party is...Is danger. 298 00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,870 That's right, but it's on a level that you 299 00:10:53,913 --> 00:10:55,697 couldn't possibly understand, Nick.Okay. 300 00:10:55,741 --> 00:10:57,831 Just, where... where is the other shot girl? 301 00:10:57,874 --> 00:10:59,875 I don't know, boss.Here I am. 302 00:10:59,919 --> 00:11:02,530 Casey. Thank you for joining us. Great. 303 00:11:02,573 --> 00:11:03,750 Here's where it's at. 304 00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:04,880 I don't work with amateurs. 305 00:11:04,924 --> 00:11:06,360 I don't split tips. 306 00:11:06,403 --> 00:11:07,884 Things get a little freaky in here, I'm out the door 307 00:11:07,927 --> 00:11:09,929 because I'm a little diabetic and I don't need a hassle. 308 00:11:09,972 --> 00:11:12,496 And also, I do accept payment in the form of whippets 309 00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:13,716 because I've got a PhD; 310 00:11:13,759 --> 00:11:16,719 a Pretty Heavy Drug Problem.Oh. 311 00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:18,154 How old are you? 312 00:11:18,198 --> 00:11:20,375 Twenty-six. 313 00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:24,335 Thank you for your honesty. 314 00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:28,861 [all cheering] 315 00:11:28,904 --> 00:11:30,907 Yeah! Who's up? 316 00:11:30,951 --> 00:11:33,909 Okay, you jerk, come here. Stupid jerk. 317 00:11:33,953 --> 00:11:35,738 [laughs, whooping] 318 00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,870 [hoarse voice]: Who wants a shot of firewater? 319 00:11:37,913 --> 00:11:41,570 Anybody want me to wet their whistle? 320 00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:44,746 WOMAN: Hey, Schmidt. 321 00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:47,793 It's working, Nick. Look at all these beautiful ladies. 322 00:11:47,836 --> 00:11:49,143 And this is just the beginning, man. 323 00:11:49,186 --> 00:11:50,753 I can take this to the next level whenever I want. 324 00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,928 You know why? 'Cause I got something up my sleeve. 325 00:11:52,972 --> 00:11:55,802 Schmidt, please, nothing up your sleeve. 326 00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:57,933 It never works! 327 00:12:11,251 --> 00:12:14,821 Remain in your seat and finish the exam, Mr. Schmidt. 328 00:12:16,952 --> 00:12:18,955 You know, in Student Health Services, 329 00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,913 they still call that "Schmidting the bed." 330 00:12:20,956 --> 00:12:22,784 Why are you proud of that? 331 00:12:22,828 --> 00:12:23,830 What the hell is this? 332 00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,308 Come on, Schmidt, you know I don't 333 00:12:25,352 --> 00:12:27,658 make girly drinks anymore.I didn't buy that stuff. 334 00:12:27,702 --> 00:12:28,835 You didn't buy this? Then who did? 335 00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:32,969 What's my name? 336 00:12:33,013 --> 00:12:34,797 ALL: Casey! 337 00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:36,364 You're all a bunch of jerks. 338 00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:39,975 Yes! My penis is working! 339 00:12:40,019 --> 00:12:42,196 MEN: Casey! 340 00:12:46,852 --> 00:12:49,028 Hey. Hey. Hey-hey! 341 00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,465 Cece. 342 00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:54,860 I had to check out the new and improved Schmidt. 343 00:12:54,903 --> 00:12:56,818 Been hearing so much about it, so... 344 00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:57,864 I'm really glad that you came. 345 00:12:57,907 --> 00:12:59,822 Look, I wanted to tell you... 346 00:12:59,865 --> 00:13:02,825 I want you to meet Robby, my, uh, my boyfriend. 347 00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:03,390 Your what? 348 00:13:03,433 --> 00:13:05,871 There he is. 349 00:13:05,914 --> 00:13:07,830 The one shaped like a Liberty Bell? 350 00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:10,876 It's a great party. Thank you for inviting us. 351 00:13:15,663 --> 00:13:17,621 Flip it, man, flip it!I'm flipping it! 352 00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:20,059 Did you guys see 353 00:13:20,102 --> 00:13:22,018 Cece's new boyfriend, the commoner? 354 00:13:23,889 --> 00:13:27,197 Oh, wow, Schmidty, you really lowered Cece's bar. 355 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,677 There's got to be an explanation for this, 356 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,070 like he's the Lord of Winterfell 357 00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:32,072 or he's working with a real piece of pipe. 358 00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:35,205 Schmidt? Schmidt, don't get hung up on that guy. 359 00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:37,424 And here comes the weirdness. 360 00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:39,905 Not weird, just a guy who really wants a drink. 361 00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:44,432 Mm-mmm! Mmm... 362 00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:46,086 Mmm! 363 00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,216 It's like an explosion of fruit! 364 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,261 There it is. 365 00:13:48,304 --> 00:13:50,090 Look at me being so naughty! 366 00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:51,655 [giggles] 367 00:13:51,700 --> 00:13:53,919 So naughty. 368 00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:01,057 Hey. I'm Schmidt. 369 00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:04,668 I, too, was a sexual partner of Cece. 370 00:14:04,712 --> 00:14:06,541 Welcome to the party.Thank you for having me. 371 00:14:06,583 --> 00:14:07,759 Let me just tell you 372 00:14:07,802 --> 00:14:09,892 this is a very impressive party. 373 00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,067 There's speakers everywhere. There's one over there. 374 00:14:11,110 --> 00:14:12,547 I saw two on the back wall. 375 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:15,898 Oh, there's one right there. Didn't see that one before. 376 00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,291 Yeah, there's a lot of speakers. Lot of...Lots of speakers. Yeah. 377 00:14:17,333 --> 00:14:18,900 So, so what's your deal? 378 00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:22,034 I mean, do you vacation in Europe ever? 379 00:14:22,077 --> 00:14:23,471 No. You know, I've never left 380 00:14:23,514 --> 00:14:26,125 California in my life.You in a band? 381 00:14:26,168 --> 00:14:29,259 I don't, I don't like music. What's up with me, you know? 382 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,913 You work for Goldman then?For who? 383 00:14:31,957 --> 00:14:34,264 This feels good. I'm gonna go. 384 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:37,311 Congratulations on your penis, man. 385 00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:40,096 What's your name? 386 00:14:40,139 --> 00:14:42,533 Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Oh! 387 00:14:42,576 --> 00:14:43,751 Could I get a broom?! 388 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,145 Look at my butt. 389 00:14:46,188 --> 00:14:48,538 look at my butt, stupid jerks. 390 00:14:56,982 --> 00:14:58,158 Hey, Jess. 391 00:14:58,201 --> 00:14:59,942 Nick, I'm fine. 392 00:14:59,985 --> 00:15:02,118 I don't need you to be nice to me right now. 393 00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:05,339 Okay. You want me to be mean? 394 00:15:05,381 --> 00:15:07,080 Yes. I'll give you mean, Jess. 395 00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:10,125 This is the easiest job in the whole world! 396 00:15:10,169 --> 00:15:12,085 The only thing easier than this 397 00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:14,522 is passing out cigarettes to prisoners. 398 00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:17,960 And what if I wanted to take a body shot off you? 399 00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:22,529 Oh, yeah! I can't because you're wearing 400 00:15:22,572 --> 00:15:24,793 a turn-of-the-century bathing costume. 401 00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:27,534 How's this? Are you getting mad or are you happy with this? 402 00:15:27,577 --> 00:15:28,971 It's good. That's really good. 403 00:15:29,014 --> 00:15:31,104 So stop feeling sorry for yourself, kid, 404 00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:34,976 and get up on that bar and shake that piece of plywood 405 00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,543 that you call an ass!That's too far! 406 00:15:36,586 --> 00:15:39,850 Yeah, yeah, I agree. You got a great ass.That is too far! 407 00:15:39,894 --> 00:15:40,982 That is too far. 408 00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:43,942 This is so fun! 409 00:15:48,250 --> 00:15:50,861 ♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪ 410 00:15:50,905 --> 00:15:52,777 No hat. No hat! 411 00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:55,215 ♪ Just shake your hips and put that ass to work ♪ 412 00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:59,174 ♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪ 413 00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:02,831 ♪ Just shake your hips and put that ass to work ♪ 414 00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:06,878 ♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪Yeah! 415 00:16:06,922 --> 00:16:10,230 ♪ Just shake your hips and put that ass to work ♪ 416 00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:14,451 ♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪ 417 00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:17,802 ♪ Just shake your hips and put that ass to work ♪ 418 00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,890 You know, this Robby guy's got nothing on me. 419 00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,240 Right.I think I can get Cece back. 420 00:16:21,283 --> 00:16:22,894 Seriously, just let it go. 421 00:16:22,937 --> 00:16:26,201 I just need to remind her how amazing I am. 422 00:16:26,245 --> 00:16:28,856 Luckily, I've got something up my sleeve. 423 00:16:28,899 --> 00:16:30,163 Schmidt, no, no! Schmidt, don't! 424 00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:31,990 Schmidt, no sleeves, please! 425 00:16:33,730 --> 00:16:35,168 ALL [chanting]: Shot girl, shot girl! 426 00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:38,822 Shot girl, shot girl, shot girl, shot girl! 427 00:16:38,866 --> 00:16:41,043 Shot girl, shot girl, shot girl, shot girl! 428 00:16:41,086 --> 00:16:43,044 Shot girl! Shot girl! 429 00:16:43,088 --> 00:16:45,264 [whooping] 430 00:16:45,307 --> 00:16:46,875 Shot girl! 431 00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:48,615 [whooping, whistling] 432 00:16:48,658 --> 00:16:51,400 I'ma shot girl. 433 00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:54,274 [cheering continues] 434 00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:55,884 Oh. 435 00:16:56,927 --> 00:16:59,061 I'm a shot girl. 436 00:17:03,543 --> 00:17:06,286 Hey, J-Jess, Jess. 437 00:17:06,328 --> 00:17:07,416 Jess, where are you going? 438 00:17:07,461 --> 00:17:10,246 What am I doing, Nick? I'm a teacher. 439 00:17:10,289 --> 00:17:12,074 I'm not a shot girl. 440 00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:17,036 [music stops] 441 00:17:22,301 --> 00:17:24,652 Fire... 442 00:17:24,694 --> 00:17:28,742 the most dangerous element of all of the elements. 443 00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:31,484 Now I'm doing this. 444 00:17:31,528 --> 00:17:33,877 Okay, let's see here. 445 00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:36,924 And then now I'm doing this. 446 00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:39,231 Sure. And now I'm not sure what I'm doing. 447 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:42,104 I'm not actually quite sure how to stop this. 448 00:17:42,147 --> 00:17:44,324 Um, this is definitely real fire. 449 00:17:44,366 --> 00:17:46,978 I'm very apologetic. I think everyone should leave. 450 00:17:47,021 --> 00:17:48,458 Um, thank you very much for coming. 451 00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:50,242 There's party favors at the door. 452 00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,680 I'd like to thank my urologist for coming. 453 00:17:52,722 --> 00:17:55,116 [crowd gasps] 454 00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:58,772 Oh, wait. No, no, no, everybody, look. 455 00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:00,688 I'm okay. I got it under control. 456 00:18:00,730 --> 00:18:03,169 Cece, watch this one. 457 00:18:05,345 --> 00:18:07,173 Hey, look, Cece. Fire! 458 00:18:10,740 --> 00:18:13,221 [music playing] 459 00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:20,708 [clears throat] Where's Robby? 460 00:18:20,750 --> 00:18:22,144 Pulling the car around. 461 00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:23,492 You really scared him. 462 00:18:23,537 --> 00:18:26,278 Why haven't you called me back in two months, Cece? 463 00:18:26,321 --> 00:18:28,324 You are the one who broke up with me. 464 00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,152 I don't see you until you show up here tonight 465 00:18:30,195 --> 00:18:32,153 with... with a boyfriend? 466 00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:35,156 And please, please tell me he's on some sort of medication 467 00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,941 that's making him temporarily bloated. 468 00:18:36,984 --> 00:18:38,377 Come on, okay? 469 00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:40,162 You and I both know we never would have worked. 470 00:18:40,205 --> 00:18:41,423 We are far too alike. 471 00:18:43,338 --> 00:18:46,167 Both so beautiful. 472 00:18:52,042 --> 00:18:54,220 You're gonna be fine. You know that, right? 473 00:18:57,353 --> 00:19:00,226 Hey, uh, Cece, I... 474 00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:03,358 I got to know, why him? 475 00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:06,405 I mean, what, what is his brand? 476 00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:07,537 He's just a good guy. 477 00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:10,410 And I'm... 478 00:19:10,452 --> 00:19:11,411 too dangerous? 479 00:19:11,453 --> 00:19:13,368 Yeah, that's it. 480 00:19:14,369 --> 00:19:17,199 I'll see you around, Schmidt. 481 00:19:17,242 --> 00:19:19,201 Yeah. 482 00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:23,988 Fun fact: 483 00:19:24,031 --> 00:19:26,861 there's a reason why guys nickname me "T-Ball." 484 00:19:26,903 --> 00:19:28,428 When they step up to the plate, 485 00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:29,819 they never strike out. 486 00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:32,432 Honey, what happened to you in your life 487 00:19:32,474 --> 00:19:33,780 that made you like this? 488 00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,391 I graduated from MIT, and then I got 489 00:19:35,434 --> 00:19:38,220 into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain. 490 00:19:38,263 --> 00:19:39,655 There it is. 491 00:19:42,397 --> 00:19:44,835 [vehicle approaching] 492 00:19:59,459 --> 00:20:01,416 I came back to say good-bye. 493 00:20:01,461 --> 00:20:02,592 I figured that. 494 00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:04,246 [sighs, sniffles] 495 00:20:04,289 --> 00:20:07,249 I was kidding myself. 496 00:20:07,292 --> 00:20:09,382 I love teaching. 497 00:20:09,424 --> 00:20:12,428 It's who I am. 498 00:20:12,471 --> 00:20:15,431 [voice breaks]: What if I can't do anything else? 499 00:20:15,474 --> 00:20:17,432 Jess, come on. I can't do anything, 500 00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:18,478 and look at me. 501 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:19,913 [both chuckle] 502 00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:22,438 I'm kind of fine, you know? 503 00:20:22,481 --> 00:20:27,661 It's just that being a teacher was all 504 00:20:27,703 --> 00:20:30,445 I ever, ever wanted to do. 505 00:20:30,490 --> 00:20:33,275 [voice breaks]: It just, it just sucks, you know? 506 00:20:33,318 --> 00:20:35,669 Yeah, life sucks! 507 00:20:35,711 --> 00:20:37,497 [laughs] 508 00:20:37,539 --> 00:20:40,107 And then it gets better, and then it sucks again. 509 00:20:40,151 --> 00:20:41,282 Yeah. 510 00:20:41,326 --> 00:20:42,501 And then, and then it just... 511 00:20:42,545 --> 00:20:43,720 Sucks. ...sucks. 512 00:20:43,763 --> 00:20:46,288 [laughs] 513 00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:49,509 Nick. 514 00:20:49,551 --> 00:20:52,076 What? 515 00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:53,948 Will you be mean to me one more time? 516 00:20:53,990 --> 00:20:56,298 [chuckles] 517 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:58,299 Look sharp, you dumb-ass! 518 00:20:58,344 --> 00:20:59,432 Youlook sharp! 519 00:20:59,474 --> 00:21:01,085 You're a terrible shot girl! 520 00:21:01,128 --> 00:21:02,521 [laughs] 521 00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:04,523 You got hoof hands and a plywood ass, kid! 522 00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:07,308 You call that a shot girl outfit, you dumb-ass? 523 00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:09,310 I got mixed up-- I thought it was a cigarette girl. 524 00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:12,531 [both laughing] 525 00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:14,534 That is what happened. 526 00:21:14,576 --> 00:21:18,451 You look like a cigarette girl. 527 00:21:18,493 --> 00:21:22,498 ♪ The chills that you spill out my back keep me fill ♪ 528 00:21:22,541 --> 00:21:24,544 ♪ With satisfaction when we're done ♪ 529 00:21:24,586 --> 00:21:26,109 ♪ Satisfaction of what's to come ♪ 530 00:21:26,153 --> 00:21:30,549 [chuckles] ♪ I wouldn't dance for another 531 00:21:30,593 --> 00:21:34,467 ♪ I wouldn't dance for another! ♪ 532 00:21:34,509 --> 00:21:38,509 ♪ Groove is in the heart. Danger!