1 00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:04,221 Thank you guys for joining me on this momentous day. 2 00:00:04,307 --> 00:00:06,354 As you guys know, it's been kind of a rough year for me. 3 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:07,833 I got dumped by Caroline, 4 00:00:07,919 --> 00:00:09,096 then Julia. 5 00:00:09,182 --> 00:00:10,358 I opened myself up to love, 6 00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:11,750 I was hurt badly, 7 00:00:11,836 --> 00:00:14,448 and I closed myself up again. 8 00:00:14,535 --> 00:00:16,493 The downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi... 9 00:00:16,580 --> 00:00:18,192 Off topic. Off-putting.Okay. I agree. 10 00:00:18,278 --> 00:00:20,062 So I've decided... 11 00:00:20,149 --> 00:00:21,542 to give up on women, 12 00:00:21,629 --> 00:00:23,501 and put all that energy into... 13 00:00:23,588 --> 00:00:25,503 tomatoes! 14 00:00:25,589 --> 00:00:26,852 You know what? It was on us 15 00:00:26,939 --> 00:00:28,419 for thinking this wasn't gonna be stupid. 16 00:00:28,506 --> 00:00:29,245 Thank God!I thought he was trying to sell us something. 17 00:00:29,332 --> 00:00:31,248 Guys, I have a whole speech! 18 00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:32,554 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you guys. 19 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:34,469 I told him not to lead with tomatoes, 20 00:00:34,555 --> 00:00:36,210 but he did. 21 00:00:36,296 --> 00:00:37,906 As his friends, don't you want to know why 22 00:00:37,993 --> 00:00:39,951 he wants to plant tomatoes? 23 00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:42,042 Is it because he wants tomatoes? 24 00:00:42,128 --> 00:00:43,738 This is my feeble attempt at a new beginning. 25 00:00:43,826 --> 00:00:45,523 He's sowing the seeds for a more fruitful tomorrow. 26 00:00:45,609 --> 00:00:47,220 He is turning over a new leaf. He is... 27 00:00:47,307 --> 00:00:48,874 Jess, please don't do plant metaphors right now. 28 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,484 Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit.Okay, but you did it again. 29 00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:52,399 It's just ripe with plant metaphors. Sorry.Okay, but stop. 30 00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:54,183 I'm looking at you guys, and I'm realizing 31 00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:55,881 that there's a possibility of happiness. 32 00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,360 He's looking for a little dapple of sunlight. 33 00:00:57,448 --> 00:00:59,320 Go. Sorry. 34 00:00:59,406 --> 00:01:02,496 Winston and Shelby, you guys have obviously found love, so... 35 00:01:02,584 --> 00:01:04,194 No, you have no idea. 36 00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:05,935 No, I do, 'cause you talk about it all the time. 37 00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:08,067 I think we all have a pretty good idea. Mm-hmm.Pretty clear idea. 38 00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:11,245 Schmidt and Cece, you almost made a baby together. 39 00:01:11,331 --> 00:01:14,030 You almost made a person. Think about that! 40 00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:15,465 Jess... 41 00:01:15,552 --> 00:01:16,554 you're dating the man that 42 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:17,902 I could see myself growing old with. 43 00:01:17,989 --> 00:01:19,469 Russell, you got a great-looking face. 44 00:01:19,557 --> 00:01:20,906 Your jawline could cut glass. 45 00:01:20,992 --> 00:01:22,168 Hold on tight, sister. 46 00:01:22,256 --> 00:01:23,170 Don't let that one slip away. 47 00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:24,126 It's getting a little weird, Nick. 48 00:01:24,213 --> 00:01:26,260 So, without further ado... 49 00:01:26,347 --> 00:01:28,349 Water, the source of life. 50 00:01:29,914 --> 00:01:31,177 Whoa! 51 00:01:31,265 --> 00:01:32,962 [everyone groaning, grumbling] 52 00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:33,918 It's okay, I got two of them. 53 00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:35,355 You know what? 54 00:01:35,442 --> 00:01:36,182 Go downstairs, if you want! 55 00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:37,575 I don't care! 56 00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:39,055 I got tomatoes and I'm bettin' on me! 57 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,621 Freeze frame! 58 00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:42,884 When I'm up in the air and the legs are there. 59 00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,497 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 60 00:01:47,585 --> 00:01:49,195 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. ♪ 61 00:01:52,850 --> 00:01:53,765 [whistles] 62 00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:58,813 Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex. 63 00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:01,207 Uh, it's actually Schmidt. 64 00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:03,471 Um, we've met, uh, many times. 65 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:06,951 Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall. 66 00:02:07,039 --> 00:02:09,432 You sound like dog being stepped on. 67 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,001 [barking weakly] 68 00:02:12,087 --> 00:02:14,481 Any noises I make, they come from a very truthful place. 69 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,265 I like to create a free environment in the sack. 70 00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:17,527 Hey. 71 00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:18,442 What's going on here? 72 00:02:18,528 --> 00:02:19,921 I like his face. 73 00:02:20,009 --> 00:02:21,836 I want to punch, punch, punch! 74 00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:24,665 Beautiful women-- 75 00:02:24,752 --> 00:02:26,623 you guys can say just about anything, can't you? 76 00:02:26,711 --> 00:02:29,278 So what are you doing here?So, look, we've barely spoken 77 00:02:29,365 --> 00:02:32,108 since I almost impregnated you. 78 00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:33,631 You know, it's just, it's this whole thing 79 00:02:33,718 --> 00:02:35,067 has just kind of got me thinking. 80 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,548 Maybe this is just too intense, 81 00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:39,768 and we should stop. 82 00:02:41,856 --> 00:02:43,250 That's what you want? 83 00:02:43,336 --> 00:02:45,033 It's how I feel right now, yeah, yeah. 84 00:02:45,121 --> 00:02:47,341 Oh... Coolio. 85 00:02:47,427 --> 00:02:49,777 So he goes out with me. 86 00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,649 Oh, Nadia, I think that... 87 00:02:51,735 --> 00:02:53,042 I think that's a great idea. 88 00:02:53,128 --> 00:02:55,391 I mean, that's what you want, right? 89 00:02:55,478 --> 00:02:57,525 Yeah. It's great. Totally cool with me. 90 00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,743 NADIA: Yay! We have fun. 91 00:02:59,831 --> 00:03:01,832 I make him put on black shawl, 92 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:03,835 pretend he's grandma. 93 00:03:06,010 --> 00:03:07,578 SCHMIDT: Fine, twist my arm. 94 00:03:07,664 --> 00:03:09,492 I'll go out with the hot Russian model 95 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,581 whose ancestors probably burned down 96 00:03:11,669 --> 00:03:12,974 my ancestors' village. 97 00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:14,716 Something weird happened to me today. 98 00:03:14,802 --> 00:03:18,502 I was at Russell's gym, and I ran into his ex-wife Ouli. 99 00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:22,026 Jess, hi! 100 00:03:22,114 --> 00:03:24,204 Ouli!Oh, that's a great swimsuit. 101 00:03:24,290 --> 00:03:25,987 Thank you. 102 00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:29,383 Wow, someone's been working out. 103 00:03:29,469 --> 00:03:30,861 You back's like a bag of ropes. 104 00:03:30,949 --> 00:03:33,168 Oh, mama. 105 00:03:33,256 --> 00:03:34,909 It was really foggy 106 00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:37,478 and I kept making eye contact with her nipples, 107 00:03:37,564 --> 00:03:39,783 and then I panicked and I invited her to dinner 108 00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:40,915 with Russell and me tonight. 109 00:03:41,002 --> 00:03:42,046 What? You did what?! 110 00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:43,353 It's just that, like, Ouli is 111 00:03:43,439 --> 00:03:44,701 like this looming presence, 112 00:03:44,788 --> 00:03:46,050 and we don't talk about it, 113 00:03:46,138 --> 00:03:47,356 and I don't know, 114 00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:49,706 I thought it would be, like, good for us. 115 00:03:49,793 --> 00:03:51,534 Everything okay with Russell?Everything's fine. 116 00:03:51,622 --> 00:03:53,362 I know it's gonna be tense at first, 117 00:03:53,449 --> 00:03:54,711 'cause Ouli's not Russell's favorite person, 118 00:03:54,799 --> 00:03:56,932 but I grew up with divorced parents, 119 00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:59,804 and I'm really good at navigating these situations. 120 00:03:59,890 --> 00:04:01,632 What did I do? Nothing! 121 00:04:01,718 --> 00:04:03,372 ♪ Mommy's all right ♪ 122 00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:05,157 ♪ Daddy's all right ♪ 123 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:08,421 ♪ They just seem a little weird ♪ 124 00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:11,120 ♪ Surrender, surrender... ♪ 125 00:04:11,206 --> 00:04:13,426 Don't tap-dance at dinner. 126 00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:15,515 Do you really think I would tap-dance at dinner? 127 00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:16,908 Yes. I'm hiding your tap shoes, Jess. 128 00:04:16,995 --> 00:04:17,822 Absolutely. I'm with Schmidt. Don't do it. 129 00:04:18,779 --> 00:04:20,084 OULI: Hi. 130 00:04:20,172 --> 00:04:21,303 Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. 131 00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:22,957 Hi! Hi! 132 00:04:23,045 --> 00:04:24,220 Hey, remember last time 133 00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:25,307 we were hugging? 134 00:04:25,394 --> 00:04:26,918 You were naked. 135 00:04:27,004 --> 00:04:27,875 That was weird. 136 00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,137 No! 137 00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:31,096 No, that's not weird at all. 138 00:04:31,182 --> 00:04:32,663 I have no problem being naked. 139 00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:34,185 [chuckles] Hi. 140 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,230 Hi. 141 00:04:36,492 --> 00:04:38,930 How are the "quethadillath"? 142 00:04:39,016 --> 00:04:40,975 You know what? I've actually never had them. 143 00:04:41,062 --> 00:04:42,456 Oh, the eye roll. 144 00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:44,153 Mm. Miss that. 145 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,807 I didn't actually roll my eyes. 146 00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:47,374 I just needed to quickly stare at the ceiling. 147 00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:49,853 Hey, Ouli... 148 00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:50,899 Mm... 149 00:04:50,985 --> 00:04:52,769 I love your name. 150 00:04:52,856 --> 00:04:54,206 Thank you. 151 00:04:54,293 --> 00:04:56,730 Or should I say, "grathiath"? 152 00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:01,735 Uh... 153 00:05:01,822 --> 00:05:03,564 Oh. 154 00:05:07,394 --> 00:05:09,874 Well, this is fun.Yeah. 155 00:05:09,961 --> 00:05:11,833 It is. 156 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,617 Should we get, like, eight more of these, right? 157 00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:14,836 ["Cielito Lindo" begins] 158 00:05:14,923 --> 00:05:16,793 I love this song.Oh, I hate this song. 159 00:05:18,882 --> 00:05:20,928 When we were on vacation in Oaxaca, 160 00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,322 Ouli hummed this song for, like, an eight-hour drive. 161 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,324 Well, it wouldn't have been eight hours 162 00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,108 if you hadn't gotten lost. 163 00:05:26,194 --> 00:05:27,891 At one point, we were just following some donkeys. 164 00:05:27,978 --> 00:05:30,286 Oh, my gosh! Look, it's food! 165 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:32,331 I love food.They were not donkeys! 166 00:05:32,418 --> 00:05:33,593 I can't even remember what 167 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:34,507 we were talking about. 168 00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:35,552 It wasn't a road. 169 00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:37,814 For the millionth time, 170 00:05:37,901 --> 00:05:39,250 just because a road's not on a map, 171 00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:40,165 doesn't mean it's not a road! 172 00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:41,471 Inside voice. 173 00:05:41,557 --> 00:05:42,471 You know what means it's not a road? 174 00:05:42,558 --> 00:05:43,733 When there are guys in tanks 175 00:05:43,821 --> 00:05:45,127 telling you to turn around. 176 00:05:45,213 --> 00:05:46,346 Oh, come on! Those were two kids in a jeep! 177 00:05:46,432 --> 00:05:47,608 Car gets stuck in the mud, 178 00:05:47,694 --> 00:05:49,610 and no, you could not move it, 179 00:05:49,697 --> 00:05:51,175 Oh, here it is.Because, God forbid, you break a nail! 180 00:05:51,262 --> 00:05:53,656 I got one manicure, one time! 181 00:05:53,744 --> 00:05:55,615 I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this!Oh, no, you're not doing this! 182 00:05:55,702 --> 00:05:58,531 ♪ Ouli's all right, Russell's all right ♪ 183 00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:01,970 ♪ They just seem a little weird ♪ 184 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:04,711 ♪ Surrender, surrender... ♪ 185 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,235 I'm leaving. 186 00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:07,278 You mean before you get your "quethadillath"? 187 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,454 That's it. 188 00:06:08,541 --> 00:06:11,283 [lively Spanish song playing] 189 00:06:15,678 --> 00:06:17,158 JESS: It was crazy. 190 00:06:17,245 --> 00:06:19,334 There was, like, serious heat between them. 191 00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:20,379 Does she still have feelings for him? 192 00:06:20,466 --> 00:06:22,293 JESS: Maybe... 193 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,425 Hey, Schmidt. 194 00:06:23,512 --> 00:06:24,600 [clears throat] What up? 195 00:06:24,687 --> 00:06:26,298 So, Nadia's excited for your date tonight. 196 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,995 I bet. 197 00:06:28,082 --> 00:06:29,084 Make sure, uh, you use protection. 198 00:06:29,170 --> 00:06:30,564 She's a foreigner, Cece. 199 00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:32,608 What, do I look like an idiot? 200 00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,959 Seriously, she doesn't even know where she's been, all right? 201 00:06:35,045 --> 00:06:36,786 What, are we at Santa's family reunion? 202 00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:38,832 'Cause the "clawses" are coming out. 203 00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:43,141 The-the "claws" are coming out? You know... 204 00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:44,968 You're being catty, Cece. 205 00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:48,103 [door opens, closes] 206 00:06:48,189 --> 00:06:50,845 Are you gonna let him go out with Nadia? 207 00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:54,196 She was kicked out of Russia, Cece. Russia. 208 00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,632 Come on, why don't you just tell him you like him? 209 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,286 It doesn't matter if I like him. 210 00:06:58,374 --> 00:07:00,420 It's over.And you're fine with that? 211 00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:02,769 Yeah. Are you? 212 00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,466 Yeah. 213 00:07:04,553 --> 00:07:05,860 Are you? 214 00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:07,252 Yeah.Hold up. Are you? 215 00:07:07,338 --> 00:07:08,731 I am gonna kill you.But are you? 216 00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:16,086 Hey, Nick... What? 217 00:07:16,173 --> 00:07:17,697 Have you seen Shelby's cat Rummikub? 218 00:07:17,785 --> 00:07:18,872 I mean, he is the cutest. 219 00:07:18,959 --> 00:07:20,309 Just the absolute cutest. 220 00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:21,875 All right, take a look at this picture 221 00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:23,529 where he woke up on my face. 222 00:07:23,617 --> 00:07:24,834 Can't even see my face. 223 00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:26,096 I look like a cat man. 224 00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:27,098 [laughing] 225 00:07:27,185 --> 00:07:28,535 [birds cawing] 226 00:07:28,622 --> 00:07:30,927 No! No! Get out of here, birds! 227 00:07:31,014 --> 00:07:32,713 Please get out of here, you sky rats! 228 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,367 Go back to hell, where you belong! 229 00:07:35,454 --> 00:07:36,846 Leave me and my plants alone! 230 00:07:36,933 --> 00:07:38,196 I need this! 231 00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:39,545 You know who loves birds? 232 00:07:39,632 --> 00:07:40,894 Please don't say it, Winston. 233 00:07:40,981 --> 00:07:42,723 Shelby. 234 00:07:46,290 --> 00:07:48,555 So... 235 00:07:51,209 --> 00:07:52,514 How do you like America? 236 00:07:52,601 --> 00:07:55,125 I like salad bar. 237 00:07:55,213 --> 00:07:57,476 I like Despicable Me. 238 00:07:57,564 --> 00:08:00,175 Tosh 2.0. 239 00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:02,829 I like Connect Four, 240 00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:05,223 freedom of speech, 241 00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:06,790 David Fincher, 242 00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:09,576 uh... sidewalk. 243 00:08:09,663 --> 00:08:13,492 I like 1-800-SLIM. 244 00:08:13,579 --> 00:08:16,278 "Your Mama" jokes. 245 00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:19,194 Strawberry. 246 00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:21,891 Wilmer "Velmarelma." 247 00:08:21,978 --> 00:08:23,980 Leon J. Panetta. 248 00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:27,115 Ice skating for fun, not to save life. 249 00:08:27,201 --> 00:08:28,202 [laughs quietly] 250 00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:29,596 What are you laughing at? 251 00:08:29,682 --> 00:08:31,249 Cheese. Is for mouse. 252 00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:33,120 Are you Mick Mouse? 253 00:08:33,207 --> 00:08:34,470 Am I what?Why don't you get in your spaceship 254 00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:36,820 like Mick Mouse? 255 00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:37,778 What are you talking about?Mick Mouse. 256 00:08:37,865 --> 00:08:39,996 What is a Mick Mouse?Mick Mouse! 257 00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:41,695 I don't understand what Mick Mouse is! 258 00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,434 Mick Mouse!I don't under-- I don't know-- 259 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,959 What-- What does that mean? What's a Mick Mouse? 260 00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:46,307 Mick Mouse! 261 00:08:46,394 --> 00:08:47,438 Are you saying Mickey Mouse? 262 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,397 Yes. 263 00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:50,355 In America, honey, okay, 264 00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:52,532 Mickey Mouse, he's earthbound. 265 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,184 Let's do sex party. 266 00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:56,753 I sex you in face. 267 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,538 You're gonna sex me in my face? 268 00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:02,542 Well, fancy meeting you here. 269 00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,760 Hi. What's up? 270 00:09:04,847 --> 00:09:05,849 Love the gym. [chuckles] 271 00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:08,417 You and Russell, huh? 272 00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:09,852 Oh... God. Last night? 273 00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:11,332 Sorry... 274 00:09:11,419 --> 00:09:12,812 if we made you feel uncomfortable. 275 00:09:12,899 --> 00:09:14,596 We just can't be in the same room 276 00:09:14,683 --> 00:09:16,903 without wanting to rip each other's faces off. 277 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,383 Yeah... yeah. 278 00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,950 Well, as long as it's, like, you know, faces 279 00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:21,951 and not, like... clothes. 280 00:09:22,038 --> 00:09:24,215 You don't think... No. 281 00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,913 I'm just... it's my endorphins, 282 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,264 'cause I'm just, like, so high on endorphins. 283 00:09:29,350 --> 00:09:31,004 Yeah, because there's not a chance in hell. 284 00:09:31,091 --> 00:09:32,397 I mean, he is all yours. 285 00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:33,876 All yours. 286 00:09:33,963 --> 00:09:35,879 Awesome. 287 00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:37,750 I mean, you know what it's like with Russell. 288 00:09:37,837 --> 00:09:39,100 Yeah. Yeah! 289 00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:41,057 I mean...It's this roller coaster. 290 00:09:41,144 --> 00:09:43,931 It's like standing on the bow of a catamaran 291 00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:47,934 blasted with spray during a perfect storm. 292 00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:49,676 [sighs passionately] But-- But you're... 293 00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:52,461 naked and... [gasping] 294 00:09:52,548 --> 00:09:54,028 and you're on fire. 295 00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:55,158 [giggling] 296 00:09:55,245 --> 00:09:56,246 You know? 297 00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:58,859 Yeah. I do. Whoo! 298 00:09:58,946 --> 00:10:02,253 I'm just, like, "Russell, put away the passion." 299 00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:04,515 [sighs] And... 300 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,039 show me a moderately good time. 301 00:10:06,126 --> 00:10:07,041 Yeah. 302 00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:08,389 Crazy. 303 00:10:08,476 --> 00:10:10,566 So crazy.Oh, it's crazy. 304 00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,611 Russell. 305 00:10:20,227 --> 00:10:21,576 Nick! What? 306 00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:22,708 What's with all the hammering? 307 00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:24,580 Whoa! What the hell is this thing? 308 00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:25,798 This thing is creepy. 309 00:10:25,885 --> 00:10:27,888 Yeah, it's called a scarecrow, okay? 310 00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:30,063 Birds keep coming after my plants. 311 00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:32,674 Whatever you're doing, just... stop with the hammering, okay? 312 00:10:32,761 --> 00:10:33,720 Because me and Shelby are downstairs, right now, 313 00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,243 trying to make love. 314 00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:37,375 Ugh! Did you honestly just say that? Well, dude, 315 00:10:37,461 --> 00:10:38,985 we're making love, man. It's beautiful. 316 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:40,378 Who have you become, man? 317 00:10:40,465 --> 00:10:42,032 I'm happy. Am I not allowed to be happy? 318 00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:43,599 You're allowed to be happy, 319 00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:44,730 but it's really annoying, the way you're doing it. 320 00:10:44,817 --> 00:10:46,688 You know what I don't care about? 321 00:10:46,775 --> 00:10:48,038 Mm-hmm? Shelby. 322 00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:49,952 Oh, Shelby loves puzzles. 323 00:10:50,039 --> 00:10:53,303 Mm-hmm.Oh, Shelby loves donuts, but hates donut holes. 324 00:10:53,390 --> 00:10:54,870 Why are you hating on Shelby so much? 325 00:10:54,957 --> 00:10:57,091 I used to be your Shelby! 326 00:10:57,177 --> 00:10:58,918 That came out wrong. 327 00:10:59,005 --> 00:11:00,964 I'm sorry, I didn't know it was my fault 328 00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:03,009 that your life sucks and you're so miserable.[mutters] 329 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,403 Look at yourself! You look like one of those guys 330 00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:06,447 who crawls out of the grave in the "Thriller" video. 331 00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:15,456 I want you to git. Seriously? 332 00:11:15,543 --> 00:11:18,024 I want you to git off my farm!This is a little weird, man. 333 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,375 You used to be my best friend. Now, I don't know!Talk to yourself, man. 334 00:11:20,461 --> 00:11:22,463 So git! I'm gitten! 335 00:11:22,551 --> 00:11:24,466 I don't need ya! Shut up! 336 00:11:31,515 --> 00:11:32,648 Hey, Russell. 337 00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:33,953 Mm-hmm. 338 00:11:35,302 --> 00:11:36,913 Do I ever drive you crazy? 339 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,610 Of course not. 340 00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:40,307 Come on. There has to be something that I do 341 00:11:40,394 --> 00:11:42,745 that just, like... gets under your skin. 342 00:11:42,831 --> 00:11:44,312 No, I can't think of anything. 343 00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:46,269 Come on, Russell. Think. 344 00:11:46,356 --> 00:11:47,489 Think, think, think, think. 345 00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:49,490 Thin-k. 346 00:11:49,577 --> 00:11:52,188 That's annoying, right, the way I say, "Think"?[chuckles] 347 00:11:52,275 --> 00:11:53,277 Well... With a "K." 348 00:11:53,364 --> 00:11:55,584 Okay, Jess, um... 349 00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:57,586 Your eyes bug out a little 350 00:11:57,673 --> 00:11:59,066 when you're trying to make a point. Yeah? 351 00:11:59,153 --> 00:12:02,547 Yeah. And you do this, uh, squatting thing 352 00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,158 when you're thinking sometimes.Yeah? 353 00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:05,725 Yeah. Don't love that. 354 00:12:08,118 --> 00:12:10,730 Like that? Like that? Uh... 355 00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:12,687 Yeah, and I've never actually seen both of 356 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,384 those things together, so it's not a favorite of mine. 357 00:12:14,471 --> 00:12:17,171 Is this just driving you crazy? 358 00:12:17,258 --> 00:12:18,432 [huffs] Um... 359 00:12:18,519 --> 00:12:20,565 No, but it's not pleasant. 360 00:12:20,652 --> 00:12:21,827 You're not pleasant. 361 00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:24,787 You're not pleasant. 362 00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:26,441 That's not nice, that's-that's...Yeah. 363 00:12:26,528 --> 00:12:27,789 not nice. No, it's passion! 364 00:12:27,876 --> 00:12:29,966 Oh! Uh, you hurt my teeth. 365 00:12:30,052 --> 00:12:32,011 Yeah, what you gonna do about it, Russell? 366 00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:33,883 Uh, well, I mean, probably nothing. 367 00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:36,538 Yeah, I hate this shirt, I hate this shirt. 368 00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:38,669 Okay. Okay, you know, well, could you please... thank you. 369 00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:42,936 There it is. There's the fire. 370 00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:45,198 Where you been hiding it, Rusty? Where you been hiding it? 371 00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,591 I'm gonna, um, make some tea. 372 00:12:46,677 --> 00:12:47,941 Do you want some tea? We have chamomile. 373 00:12:48,028 --> 00:12:49,376 No!Okay. I mean... 374 00:12:49,463 --> 00:12:52,075 oolong... oolong, you want oolong? 375 00:12:52,162 --> 00:12:55,209 Ugh, I hate that you have so many coasters! Why? 376 00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:56,687 Well, it's actually kind of a funny story... Yeah? 377 00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:58,690 Wow. You just coasting through life, 378 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,083 you coaster? This isn't good, not at all. What are you... 379 00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:03,216 You know, now-now I'm pissed. What is this? 380 00:13:03,303 --> 00:13:05,784 [sighs] 381 00:13:05,871 --> 00:13:07,655 Something's missing. 382 00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:09,222 I didn't know it 383 00:13:09,309 --> 00:13:11,659 until I saw you and Ouli together the other night 384 00:13:11,746 --> 00:13:13,488 almost strangle each other. 385 00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:15,403 But then it clicked. 386 00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:17,144 I want that. 387 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,148 I want what you and Ouli have. 388 00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:22,975 You want me to treat you like my ex-wife? 389 00:13:23,062 --> 00:13:24,803 Who I hate? 390 00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:27,588 I don't know, I just... 391 00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:29,764 [sighs] You guys have this spark, 392 00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,635 and I want that spark! 393 00:13:31,722 --> 00:13:33,421 You have to admit, 394 00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:34,769 you have this spark, this passion. 395 00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:38,817 Passion's overrated, Jess. 396 00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,432 I knew we shouldn't have gone to that dinner, I... 397 00:13:45,519 --> 00:13:46,956 I want to go home. 398 00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:48,261 Jess... 399 00:13:48,349 --> 00:13:49,959 Just... 400 00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:51,787 can you just take me home? 401 00:13:57,226 --> 00:13:59,186 Get in there! 402 00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:01,578 Useless. 403 00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:04,234 You... get... in there. 404 00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:06,671 What is this, Martin Scorsese's The Wizard of Oz? 405 00:14:06,758 --> 00:14:08,456 I'm sorry about what happened on the roof, man. 406 00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,587 Apology accepted. 407 00:14:10,674 --> 00:14:11,894 It's just... we used to be miserable together, man. 408 00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:14,027 [chuckling] 409 00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:17,333 We did have some pretty bad times together.Yeah, we had the worst. 410 00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:18,900 Hey, remember that time we pooled our money 411 00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:20,163 and bought that online dating profile together? 412 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,730 Yes. [laughs] 413 00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:23,774 The ladies did not care for Ninston Biller. 414 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,908 Zero dates. Zero. 415 00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:28,868 I'm sorry that I can't be happier for you. 416 00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:31,043 I don't really know what's wrong with me, Winston. 417 00:14:31,130 --> 00:14:32,610 You want me to tell you?Not really, actually. 418 00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:34,221 Okay, why are you giving up? 419 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,571 If something doesn't work out, what do you do? 420 00:14:36,658 --> 00:14:38,572 You make an adjustment, and you give it one more shot. 421 00:14:38,659 --> 00:14:41,053 I mean, that's what I did with...Okay, just say it. 422 00:14:41,140 --> 00:14:42,446 ...my beautiful Shelby.Shelby. 423 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:43,533 See, why did you say, "my beautiful Shelby"?Man, look-- 424 00:14:43,620 --> 00:14:45,144 It's so weird. 425 00:14:45,231 --> 00:14:47,059 Look, man, I just called her out of the blue, okay? 426 00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:49,365 And then... I was a different person, 427 00:14:49,452 --> 00:14:51,933 and she was a different person. Now look at us, man. 428 00:14:52,020 --> 00:14:54,676 We're eating sandwiches and making love to one another. 429 00:14:56,373 --> 00:14:57,940 Sandwiches and sex? 430 00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:00,159 I want that. 431 00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:04,033 Hey. 432 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,035 How, um... how was your date last night? 433 00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:09,865 Brief. Small man go to hospital. 434 00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:11,692 The hospital? 435 00:15:11,779 --> 00:15:13,650 Is he okay? I don't know. 436 00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:16,219 I leave him there, I go make bowling. 437 00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:18,787 Nadia... like, honestly, what did you do to him? 438 00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:21,355 Well, he cry and cry. It was so funny. 439 00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:22,833 Oh, my God. 440 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,879 There's me! 441 00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,801 I really like what we have. I thought you did, too. 442 00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:34,846 I do. I did. It's just, Russell... 443 00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:36,326 [air rushes] 444 00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:37,806 [beeps, radio plays] 445 00:15:37,893 --> 00:15:39,850 Great. Just forget it. 446 00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:42,549 Yeah, that seems to happen every time you're in this car. 447 00:15:42,636 --> 00:15:45,248 But there's so many buttons. It's like... 448 00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:47,293 The Batmobile doesn't have so many buttons. 449 00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:52,211 Look, Jess, I've already done the crazy, 450 00:15:52,298 --> 00:15:54,169 explosive passion thing. 451 00:15:54,256 --> 00:15:56,476 When I was with Ouli, it was like edging closer and closer 452 00:15:56,563 --> 00:15:57,652 to a wood chipper. 453 00:15:59,131 --> 00:16:00,916 I'm not looking for that anymore. 454 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:03,309 I understand. 455 00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:05,615 But I am. 456 00:16:05,702 --> 00:16:07,618 And... 457 00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:11,144 I want passion... 458 00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:13,884 even if it's harder and hurts more. 459 00:16:16,888 --> 00:16:19,152 So that's it. 460 00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:20,674 Good-bye, Russell. 461 00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:25,114 [grunts] 462 00:16:27,072 --> 00:16:28,552 Well... 463 00:16:28,639 --> 00:16:30,336 Yeah. 464 00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:36,298 Oh, my God. 465 00:16:36,385 --> 00:16:38,301 Are you serious? 466 00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:40,956 How do you look this good under fluorescent lights? 467 00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:43,393 I am so, so sorry. 468 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,831 Okay? This is all my fault. I thought... 469 00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:48,311 What happened? 470 00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:49,878 [clears throat] 471 00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:52,227 Yeah, um... this is embarrassing. 472 00:16:54,838 --> 00:16:56,188 I broke my penis. 473 00:16:56,275 --> 00:16:57,581 You what? 474 00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:59,235 I broke my penis. 475 00:16:59,322 --> 00:17:01,106 Things got... I mean, just out of control 476 00:17:01,193 --> 00:17:02,412 with Nadia last night. 477 00:17:02,499 --> 00:17:04,196 [sighs]And there was like 478 00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:06,981 this one moment where it was just blinding pain. 479 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,548 And then there was another moment where I was like 480 00:17:08,635 --> 00:17:10,811 watching myself watch myself... 481 00:17:10,898 --> 00:17:13,509 I think I finally understand what The Tree of Lifeis about. 482 00:17:13,596 --> 00:17:15,772 And I can't be certain of this, 483 00:17:15,859 --> 00:17:18,037 but I'm almost positive 484 00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:20,212 that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle. 485 00:17:20,299 --> 00:17:21,431 I'm leaving. I cannot believe I came here. 486 00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,477 How are you upset right now? 487 00:17:23,564 --> 00:17:25,086 Cece, you ended this. 488 00:17:25,173 --> 00:17:26,567 I don't know what you want from me! 489 00:17:26,653 --> 00:17:29,221 I don't want you sleeping with Nadia. 490 00:17:29,308 --> 00:17:32,311 Are you crazy? I don't want you sleeping with anyone. 491 00:17:34,878 --> 00:17:36,663 Because I like you. 492 00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:42,017 I can't just always say what I feel, okay? 493 00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:43,758 It's just... 494 00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:45,759 Just, whatever, Schmidt. 495 00:17:45,846 --> 00:17:47,282 You like me. 496 00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,329 You like my personality? 497 00:17:50,416 --> 00:17:51,721 I was surprised, too. 498 00:17:51,808 --> 00:17:53,375 Come here. 499 00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:57,989 [chuckles] 500 00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:01,036 Oh! Oh! 501 00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:02,777 [yells] 502 00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:05,823 What happened?Oh, my God, why? 503 00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:07,607 [moans] Oh, what? 504 00:18:07,694 --> 00:18:09,305 Oh, my God, my penis is having a heart attack. 505 00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:10,523 Don't touch me, don't touch me. Okay. I... 506 00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:11,567 You gotta get out of here.All right. 507 00:18:11,654 --> 00:18:13,743 I mean, I've-I-I-I'd like... don't bend over! 508 00:18:13,830 --> 00:18:15,571 For crying out loud! What are you, nuts? 509 00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:17,096 I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants. 510 00:18:17,182 --> 00:18:18,792 I'm sorry for this, but I-I... 511 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,272 I like you. And I like you, too, so much. 512 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:22,012 Call a nurse, call a male nurse. 513 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,711 Probably a heavy-set male nurse would be nice. 514 00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:25,320 Bye. 515 00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:27,148 Describe it to them as like a... as a battered highway cone. 516 00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:28,193 [groans] 517 00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:32,111 [sighs] 518 00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:35,461 [jazz music playing] 519 00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:45,253 Oh, hey. 520 00:18:45,340 --> 00:18:47,386 Hey... 521 00:18:47,473 --> 00:18:48,692 Caroline, how you doing? 522 00:18:48,778 --> 00:18:49,911 Good. 523 00:18:49,998 --> 00:18:52,913 Just... going to use the bathroom. 524 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,699 ♪ For sentimental reasons... ♪ 525 00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,048 Caroline? Yeah, I know. 526 00:18:57,135 --> 00:18:58,441 I just called her, and then... 527 00:18:58,528 --> 00:19:00,008 I don't know, it's... 528 00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:02,357 What are you doing? You guys had a terrible relationship. 529 00:19:02,444 --> 00:19:03,619 Are you crazy? 530 00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:05,144 Are you burning incense? 531 00:19:05,230 --> 00:19:07,363 Yes, I am, for ambience. She digs it. 532 00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:09,451 She digsit? 533 00:19:09,538 --> 00:19:11,585 Are you kidding, Nick? What happened? 534 00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:12,933 What happened to swearing off women 535 00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:15,066 and focusing on tomatoes? 536 00:19:15,153 --> 00:19:17,634 I can't grow tomatoes, Jess. 537 00:19:17,721 --> 00:19:21,115 I think this is what was supposed to happen all along. 538 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,814 Me and Caroline. And I'm okay with it. 539 00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:25,424 I'm happy. 540 00:19:25,511 --> 00:19:27,470 That is pathetic, Nick. You're just saying that 541 00:19:27,557 --> 00:19:28,731 'cause you don't have the patience 542 00:19:28,818 --> 00:19:30,125 or the courage to be alone. 543 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:31,865 I will never get used to those urinals. 544 00:19:31,952 --> 00:19:33,214 [laughs] Right.[laughs] 545 00:19:33,301 --> 00:19:34,390 Hey, would you give me a second? 546 00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:35,652 I have to talk to Jess for... 547 00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:36,871 Oh. Sure. 548 00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:38,001 Great. Okay. 549 00:19:38,088 --> 00:19:40,090 Bye, Caroline. Bye. 550 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,397 See you in one second. What is your problem? 551 00:19:42,484 --> 00:19:45,140 Have fun making terrible life decisions! 552 00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:46,794 Oh, you just know everything, don't you? 553 00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:48,361 No, I don't know everything.I'm actually so sick of you. 554 00:19:48,448 --> 00:19:50,276 I'm just really disappointed in you. 555 00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:52,320 Yeah, you know, maybe I'll be more like you, Jess, 556 00:19:52,407 --> 00:19:54,540 and I'll go run into the kitchen and make pastries 557 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:55,715 with sprinklies on them,That isn't what I do. 558 00:19:55,802 --> 00:19:57,979 then throw some dumb pajama outfit on, 559 00:19:58,066 --> 00:20:00,067 and then tell other people how to live their lives! 560 00:20:00,154 --> 00:20:02,156 It's not a pajama outfit! 561 00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:04,333 They're called pajamas, Nick!That's what I said! 562 00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,335 Nick, why don't you go back in your room 563 00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:07,902 and put on your stupid flannel 564 00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:10,164 and keep not living up to your potential! 565 00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,166 You're a crazy person, Jess!I am not, 566 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:13,777 I'm just saying things that you don't want to hear. 567 00:20:13,864 --> 00:20:14,909 You know what I would like to hear from you? 568 00:20:14,996 --> 00:20:16,563 What? Silence! 569 00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:18,739 Well, I'm not gonna be silenced! Just-- 570 00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:20,435 Just shut up! For one second be quiet! 571 00:20:20,522 --> 00:20:22,263 I'm trying to help you!Please be quiet! 572 00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:23,352 No! No!I don't want your help. 573 00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:25,354 Stop making that face at me. I hate that face. 574 00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,835 This is my only face! I don't have a lot of faces, 575 00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:30,490 and if you don't like looking at my face, Jess... 576 00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:34,711 ...then look at my ass! 577 00:20:36,017 --> 00:20:39,063 Oh! Yeah! Get a good look! 578 00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:41,674 Stop shaking your ass at me, you quitter.This is the ass of a failure. 579 00:20:41,761 --> 00:20:44,112 You get a look.Look right at my ass. 580 00:20:44,199 --> 00:20:46,809 No, Nick. You bought the ticket, take a ride. 581 00:20:46,896 --> 00:20:49,813 Feast your eyes on my butt.I'm winning this moment. 582 00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,554 You quitter. Look at my butt, it's going faster than yours! 583 00:20:51,641 --> 00:20:54,122 I have the fastest butt in the land. 584 00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:55,950 I got a faster one!No, you don't. 585 00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:57,994 What are we doing?Stop looking at my ass. 586 00:20:58,082 --> 00:20:59,823 Oh, I'm gonna kill you. 587 00:21:01,259 --> 00:21:02,826 Quitter! 588 00:21:05,567 --> 00:21:08,005 You really think Nick is gonna believe that a tomato 589 00:21:08,092 --> 00:21:10,050 just sprung up overnight? 590 00:21:10,137 --> 00:21:11,313 Yes, I do. 591 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,096 When it comes to tomatoes, 592 00:21:13,183 --> 00:21:16,491 no one in the world knows less than Nick. 593 00:21:16,578 --> 00:21:18,406 So how long you gotta ice that thing? Eight weeks. 594 00:21:18,493 --> 00:21:20,191 I mean, if I have any excitement 595 00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:22,019 it's excruciating pain. 596 00:21:22,105 --> 00:21:23,542 Boobies. What? 597 00:21:23,630 --> 00:21:25,848 Boobies.I love boobies... 598 00:21:27,415 --> 00:21:28,895 Girls with clean hair. 599 00:21:28,982 --> 00:21:30,462 Winston, this is the least funny game we've ever played. 600 00:21:30,549 --> 00:21:32,202 Models eating sliders. 601 00:21:32,290 --> 00:21:33,988 [moaning] Bernadette Peters on a high beam. 602 00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:36,076 [wailing]Freshly baked bread. 603 00:21:36,163 --> 00:21:36,990 Oh, God!